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sidneyfirefae · 2 years ago

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Hello!! I'm Sidney (she/fae). Welcome to my blog!

This is just my personal blog so it doesn't really have a theme or anything, just me reblogging stuff that interests me or feels important or is funny, etc. There's also an about me section further down, but first off, I wanna make sure to say this is a welcoming and safe space for:

TL;DR

All genders/gender identities (neopronouns/xenogenders included)

All romantic & sexual orientations

Intersex folks

Neurodivergent folks & mentally ill folks (if and when the distinction is important)

Self-diagnosed folks

All systems (traumagenic, endo, tulpa, etc)

Disabled folks (physical and mental disability)

Fat, plus-size, and other non-dominant body types

All religions & spiritual beliefs

All ethnic/cultural backgrounds

Kink

Furries

Probably forgetting some but will come back and add

Longer version

Queer folks!

This includes all members of the LGBTQIA+ community/communities outside of the Western episteme around what is considered "queer". Neopronoun users, intersex folks, ppl who are xenogender, and probably a lot of other things I can't think of are all welcome.

Neurodivergent & mentally ill folks!

Brains are Weird and the range of human experiences with said brains is very broad. There's still so much we don't really know, but I know to be kind. Self-diagnosis is valid! We are intimately familiar with the gaslighting and systemic/financial barriers involved in the diagnosis process and that diagnosis is not nearly as simple a thing as it's made out to be. People who self-dx have almost always done vast amounts of research into themselves and their experiences. Mental illnesses count as ND, as we have definitely experienced with OCD (although that's hardly the only exquisite flavor of brain sauce we have going on). It's still important to distinguish the two and be mindful of the nuance, especially since people's relationships to their own minds vary greatly.

Systems of all kinds!

Whether that be traumagenic, endo, tulpa, or any of the many other kinds of systems, plural folks are all welcome. I'm part of a traumagenic system myself and can only restate the previous point that Brains are Weird. Plurality is a broad spectrum and can be both healthy and not; in our experience, having each other has been critically helpful and we can't imagine life without each other. Syscourse is ... a lot and we try to avoid it, and I think ultimately it falls into the same issues any sort of excessive online discourse does, which is forgetting to account for diverse lived experiences and the real people experiencing them. Don't fakeclaim people.

Disabled folks!

Mentally and physically disabled folks, spoonies (or users of other systems) and all. No matter your needs, no matter how far you stray from that terrible concept of "normal", you have a place here. I'll do my best to be as respectful as I can, but there's still a lot I don't know about, so I apologize in advance and thank you for bearing with me. We identify with the label of disabled, but our experiences are unique just like everyone else.

All ethnicities/racial backgrounds!

Just like everything else here, this should go without saying, but I just want to be clear. We have studied anthropology and the history of conceptions of race/racism, and we know how ridiculous it all is. We're all just people. We are POC, but our experiences are only of our own ethnic background, and we're always trying to learn more about other cultures and experiences.

Religions of all sorts!

Any and all religious/spiritual beliefs and practices, so long as they are not used to harm people. We're not religious, but we also know that religion and identities that have historically been targeted by religious institutions can and absolutely do co-exist. Like a lot of things here, we're not very knowledgeable about many religions, but we hope to express nothing but respect and curiosity.

Kink!

I'll admit I don't know much about kink -- I'm aspec and an incredibly romantic sapphic with OCD -- but just because I don't personally vibe with the incredibly kinky stuff y'all be getting up to doesn't mean it's wrong in any way. Sexuality means different things to different people, and as long as it is explored consensually and healthily, there's nothing wrong with it. One of our system members is quite kinky, so I know firsthand that mutual understanding and acceptance of varying sexual preferences is absolutely possible. I'm also not a furry and don't entirely get it, but y'all are lovely and just as welcome here.

There's probably a lot I'm forgetting, but when I remember I'll make sure to add it. Basically, don't be a bigot. People are people, and I love you all.

____________________

About me

Howdy! You can call me Sidney Firefae. I'm a grey-ace nonbinary sapphic trans woman who uses she/fae pronouns. I'm part of a nameless system with a range of interests, and consequently I'm currently the only one of us who uses tumblr.

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I know there's probably stuff I've missed, hopefully I remember and can come back and add it.

Have a nice day!

#do i need to tag pinned post?#pinned

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transmasc-wizard · 3 years ago

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psssst psssssssssstttttt

talk about the ableism and saneism in the writblr community. it needs to be talked about (i would help but wordnt)

thank u for the motivation!! also i hope 1) wordn't becomes wordy, and/or 2) u have a pleasant time while wordn't

anyway

god where do i start. This is probably going to be messy and angry and not the super convenient nice happy disabled person but GOD i'm so fucking tired lmao

starting. starting. Ah! i'll start with this: I am autistic, and the people who diagnosed me also generally agreed I have some form of anxiety. (I'm also currently figuring out if I'm struggling with depression.) I don't have first-hand experience with being physically disabled, and I am not every neurodiversity ever.

So, that's the standpoint I'm coming from in regards to first-hand experience; talking about disabilities I don't have will just be me repeating what I've seen around, as well as me taking experience of my own and applying it to similar situations (e.g. the demonization of low empathy hurts autistic people. I know why, as an autistic. Similarly, it hurts pwPDs).

With that out of the way, let's continue.

WHUMP

I'm just gonna say it. I fucking hate the wider whump community on writblr. I follow a few whump accounts and I like them, but most of the whump community is a toxic, saneist, ableist hellscape.

I have seen whump prompt blogs call characters who don't speak "perfectly broken". What do they think of nonverbal autistics?

I have seen them treat PTSD like a wonderful thing to inflict on their characters. What about the people with c-PTSD and PTSD who are reading that?

I have seen them describe sexual assault and the trauma disorders it can cause in one of their "fun whump prompts" lists--completely untagged with any sort of warning that, you know, REAL PEOPLE with REAL TRAUMA might have backlisted to avoid it.

I have seen something that was literally just the description of an autistic meltdown, minus any reference to the word autism, and say "this is so satisfying to write". (From an allistic person.)

I have seen whump blogs use physical disability as a perfect method of torture, treating blindness, deafness, amputated limbs, & chronic pain as the perfect curse to inflict on their characters--I don't know who has to fucking hear this, but physically disabled people are not some pitiable animals. They're people, and they're on tumblr, and they can read what you're saying about their disablities.

Additionally, the way people describe their whumpers sometimes... delusional, psycho, psychotic, sociopathic, narcissistic, "void of empathy", etc etc etc. DID YOU KNOW THOSE ARE REAL THINGS THAT REAL PEOPLE ARE. There are people with ASPD, psychosis, low empathy, and NPD on tumblr. They don't deserve to see that shit.

& like. @ whump blogs. Do you post your stories in the touch-averse tag? If so... stop. Us touch averse folk don't need our tag invaded by horrific stories and prompts about touch aversion being ignored and abused. Find another tag.

All in all, the whump community has a giant problem of treating mental illness, trauma, and disabilities like either 1) nothing but imaginary scenarios to put whumpees through, or 2) perfect traits for their evil, abusive whumper.

THE REST OF WRITBLR

I wanted to highlight a couple of my issues with whumpblr specifically, but the rest of writblr is by no means exempt from this bullshit.

First of all, the "describing your antagonist as unempathetic/psychotic/sociopathic/a narcissist/crazy" thing is Not something that non-whump writblrs are immune to. I'll put it simply: I am hypoempathetic. I do not experience empathy. If you equate hypoempathy to being a fucking serial killer or some shit, I am blocking you. Same with the things I don't have.

Next: trauma and depression.

I won't pretend that every joke about traumatizing your OCs is evil. Neither is joking about giving them depression (less common but still there). But the overarching trend of treating trauma & depression itself like a joke, about treating trauma and depressive disorders like fun little things that come with the plot and not like actual things people live with, is harmful.

I have struggled with depression. I am an autistic teen. 60% of autistic adults have PTSD just from growing up autistic, because it's often such a traumatizing experience. I do not feel safe in a community that treats depression & trauma like a joke.

now: "character flaws"

literally please stop calling obvious ND traits "character flaws". It is not that hard. "paranoid" "blunt" "odd" "unempathetic" "crazy" (what the fuck does that even mean to you) "hyperactive" "bad memory" straight up "hallucinates" and "depressed".... shut up, shut up, i hate you, shut up.

No, I'm not saying these things are all perfect and harmless and fun traits that never impact anyone. But flaws are traits that you're supposed to dislike about a character. A character having a paranoid anxiety disorder should not make you dislike them. A character being "odd" via displaying autistic traits should not make you dislike them. Flaws are things like being cheap, cruel, ignoring the needs of others, being a liar, being bigoted, etc. And... yeah! Some things you can list as flaws are also ND traits! Bc not all ND traits are that great! But like... lots are not flaws, they're just unusual to society. Something like "isn't NT" is not a character flaw. It's just not. Being neurodivergent is not something a character should have to make up for.

(bonus points (/s) to lists that give things like "always tired" and "difficulty moving quickly" as character flaws! You've managed to hurt physically disabled and/or chronically ill people, too <3)

coding villains as/making them canonically disabled, and/or just straight up ignoring the existence of disability

the writblr community is really diverse with their characters, and that's nice. But disability is... often hard to find? in abled people's work? Either they'll have the token ADHDer, one vaguely pitiable dude in a wheelchair, or the horrifically stereotyped autistic, or they'll code their villain as some sort of neurodivergent/chronically ill.

No one has to make disabled characters. Your story is your story. But it feels shitty to be left out of everything unless fellow disabled people made it.

Example for the coding thing: if your villain has difficulty connecting to people, is blunt, doesn't lie very well, is monotone, has "unsettling" or blank facial expressions, is awkward in the way they act, dislikes people, has very rigid thought patterns, is extremely stubborn, follows their personal set of rules to a T, is a loner, is very very intent on their goal/main interest, and seems to have trouble socializing "typically", or hits a lot of those things, congrats! they're autistic. That is a person I would 100%, without a doubt, think "oh, that's me" about. (That's just one neurodiversity; I see a LOT of villains coded as having antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder in particular.)

There's also, like. if your villain uses a mobility aid, has scars, is canonically ND, etc and is the only one out of your cast who is, that's ableism. You should feel bad. Full stop. It's not hard to keep yourself from connecting disability & mental illness to villainy.

Also, side note. People's autistic characters often tire me. Because they'll have one profile of a character they say isn't ND and they're like "she's an artist who's OBSESSED with her craft, she's pretty socially awkward, she calms down in dark lonely spaces, she has difficulty communicating, she doesn't really understand social norms" and then their autistic character will be Sheldon Cooper 2.0.

using outdated/wrong terminology

maybe i'm just in the wrong circles but like. "asperger's" "multiple personality disorder" "person with autism" "psychopathic" literally what. stop that. no. (In order: autism, DID, autistic, antisocial personality disorder.)

fetishizing, romanticizing, stereotyping, and generally misrepresenting

your anxious character isn't an uwu sad small bean (like, literally stop, anxiety is hell). depression doesn't make good art. the autistic character does not have to be a super genius. your character in a wheelchair isn't a tragedy. blind people aren't super-wise sages. Etc, etc, etc.

in conclusion (not actually concluding)

i'm not done, i'm just feeling my weak grip on words slowly starting to slip away. Wordn't is coming upon me, too. hashtag quirky autism things!

Anyway, if other disabled people want to add on--ESPECIALLY those with personality disorders, psychotic disorders, and physical disabilities--i'm saying please do. I want to hear other people's experiences.

I love writblr, but it's very, very common for me as an autistic mentally ill person to feel uncomfortable with the way characters are treated & handled.

Just... listen to us? please?

that's all for now, i guess.

#writblr #writeblr #ableism #saneism #asks #bat wherearetheplant #WORDN'T #im stealing wordnt #btw bat at no point was i talking at YOU during this #i was yelling into the void and using your ask as a jump-off point

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an-isolated-lifeboat · 2 years ago

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“Isolation Activities” versus Isolation as Lifestyle

When people ask me how long I’ve been isolating I usually say something like February 2020. But in all honesty, I hadn’t been leaving the house much at all for about 3 years prior. In 2017, I became quite ill and it quickly escalated to the point where I dropped out of college and couldn’t really drive more than a few minutes from my house.

So as I reflect on five years of isolation and see news of ever more infectious variants, it’s really interesting to look back at what people’s ideas of “isolation activities” were at the beginning of the pandemic. I searched for “isolation activities” on YouTube and found video after video of long lists of activities to do “when you’re bored” or “how to fill your time”. A couple videos come up for people who are quarantining after testing positive with a lot of the same tips. Even now, it seem to be how people talk about it - pandemic hobbies, pandemic relationships, etc.

I...don’t completely know how to feel about people thrust into isolation thinking their biggest issue would be “filling their time” but it does touch some sort of nerve for me. There’s a reason why I regularly talked to friends who were like “I’ve tried all the “pandemic things” and I’m still really depressed” and who immediately went back to life as normal after getting vaccinated. I personally think that reason is people think their needs are one way when they’re actually quite different.

The only good video on the topic I saw come out early in the pandemic was CPG Grey’s Spaceship You video. Which isn’t really a surprise considering in a later video he talked about he and is wife often lock down for flu season each year because of her health concerns. And it’s clear from the video that he gets it because he doesn’t give a list of activities - he addresses core needs all humans have and talks about researched back ways to address them.

It’s one I’ve come back to time and time again when I get into a slump and without fail, there’s some part of it I’ve let go. Either I’ve slacked off on exercise or I’m not maintaining my sleep station or I stopped setting my alarm. And without fail, when I go back to following the advice, I gradually feel better and better about my life.

It got me thinking about how many people looked at isolation as a temporary issue to get through and not what it effectively was - a lifestyle change. And for many of us - that’s still our life. And for a lot of people, it’s about to become their life again.

This is all just a long winded way to say that if you’ve been isolated for a while or just coming back to it and you feel like you should be better at it than you are - the vast majority of the advice out there doesn’t address the specific needs that come up during isolation. So you’re probably doing the best you can in the absence of quality information. But it’s also worth shifting your thinking from “how do I get through this” to “how do I make this sustainable”.

I know people don’t like thinking that way because it means admitting that this could go on for a long time - but that’s reality. It was already reality for disabled and elderly folks everywhere. The virus only brought that into the consciousness of people who weren’t already aware of that reality.

I’m hoping to use this blog as a repository and resource for isolation lifestyle advice, resources, and maybe even community. I wanted to establish the perspective I’m writing from - as someone who’s life will quite possibly never again resemble normal. I still firmly believe I deserve to thrive as much as I’m able - dandelion in the sidewalk style.

So consider this kind of a “what this space” post and I’m sending all you fellow isolated lifeboats out there best wishes.

#covid #isolation #disability #intro post

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coldalbion · 5 years ago

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THINGS WOT I HAVE LEARNT AFTER BEING VIRTUALLY HOUSEBOUND FOR 3 YEARS THAT MAY BE HELPFUL TO THOSE IN SELF ISOLATION AND/OR LOCKDOWN DURING THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC

(Background: I have a lifelong disability and am a wheelchair user. After surgery I’ve basically been stuck living and sleeping in one room for three years. These are things I have learnt which may help, though with the caveat that everyone is different, and baseline mental health varies.)

1. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH WILL PROBABLY SUFFER - and although humans are social creatures, even the most introverted will chafe against boundaries enforced upon them by circumstance. The degree to which it suffers will be related to your mental health baseline and physical health. Understand that this IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Stimuli and enrichment methods are required. It’s why animals need such things in zoos and conservation parks. This leads us on to my next point.

2. COMPREHEND WHICH ACTIVITIES ARE ACTIVE AND PASSIVE FOR YOU Spending your confinement solely doing passive things (watching TV, Netflix, browsing the internet, scrolling through the internet) will take a load off your brain and make the time pass quicker. But if that’s all you do, the sense of disconnection increases over time. Activities which require you to *do* something, even if it’s just engaging your motor skills via video games, or lifting some cans of beans, or actively reading - these deliberate acts foster a tiny sense of achievement which gives your brain a dose of helpful chemicals. If you want to consider your activities, look up the work of Marshall McLuhan as regards “hot media” and “cold media” (See https://mediawiki.middlebury.edu/MIDD…/Hot_versus_cool_media for basic premise.) Balancing out your media intake with hot and cold activities keeps your brain active and pumping tasty neurotransmitters.

3. LIMIT YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA USAGE TO SOCIAL PURPOSES. Infinite scrolling as found on many social media platforms is a hot medium, as per McLuhan. The reason Likes exist is to give that little spike of interactivity. It’s not a conspiracy to say many platforms are designed to keep you on them so they can show you more ads. (See also https://www.theguardian.com/…/has-dopamine-got-us-hooked-on… which explains the brain chemistry angle) However, DM’s and other messaging faculties are supremely useful. Use them to interact with your friends, indulge your fandom theories. Person to person interaction requires and enhances deep-seated neurological and biophysical reflexes. Text your mates. Skype/Facetime or otherwise call them. Use the technology of the 21st century for genuine social ends, deliberately. Catch up with their lives one to one or in groupchats.

4. PICK TIMES TO CHECK THE NEWS AND STICK TO THEM. This relates to point 3 - unfortunately we live in a 24hr news cycle, with constant liveblogging of important issues. This means that we’re constantly streaming anxiety inducing situations into our brains JUST IN CASE. That’s not helpful, particularly when you can’t actually DO anything about those events - the urge to DO something is why people are panic-buying. It’s a very basic primordial need to grab resources for defence. By picking times of the day to check news, you are again, making a DELIBERATE CHOICE, enacting some small level of agency, while at the same time limiting anxiety-inducing stimuli. If the news gets too much, then don’t check it as much - or at all - and do something else.

5. IF YOU DO THINGS WITH FRIENDS, SEE IF YOU CAN DO THEM ONLINE. Run that game of DnD/Other TTRPG you’ve been meaning to. Hold your book club online. Have a few drinks online over voice-chat if you are missing the pub. Hold watch parties for your favourite shows. The key, as ever, is to be engaged rather than passive. It’s harder if you’re ill, yes, but it can be done.

6. USE YOUR IMAGINATION TO CREATE THINGS. Write that fanfic. Start that novel. Design that game. Doodle. Paint. Humans have been creating since the day we became human. Consider things from the perspective of a pre-modern person. Make handprints on your own personal cave wall - contact each other and tell spooky stories. Build a complex fantasy world. Write an account of your confinement for some person to find pieces of years after you’re gone from the world. Think about a problem, and learn how to solve it via taking online classes (See http://www.openculture.com/freeonlinecourses) Write an essay on your chosen passion or hyperfixation - nobody needs to read it but you. Treat yourself to intellectual stimulation, if that’s your thing.

7. IF YOU HAVE A SPIRITUAL. RITUAL, OR MEDITATIVE PRACTICE DO IT. It doesn’t matter if it’s not perfect, or limited in scope. This also includes atheists and those who despise woo - you have personal rituals, things you do that have Meaning to you as a person. Maybe it;s alphabetizing your music collection, or spring cleaning or cooking your favourite meal like grandma used to make. Humans have patterns they perform. When you perform them DELIBERATIVELY (or dare I say MINDFULLY) you become aware that these are the scaffolds that structure human life.

8. STRUCTURE YOUR TIME. Following on from 7, we often don’t realise the structure of our lives until it is disrupted. When that’s removed, our minds can go into freefall. If you’re isolated/in lockdown, oftentimes you won’t be able to access those structures. Rather than wait for them to to become accessible again and risk a period of feeling lost and directionless, which can enhance depression and anxiety, it’s best to develop a new structure based on the resources you have. It can be as loose or as strict as you like, but sticking to it allows us to develop a rhythm which makes time pass in recognisable fashion and gives us a sense of being-in-the-world as some sort of engaged process.

9. KEEP YOUR SLEEP PATTERN REGULAR AND LONG ENOUGH. The key here is REGULAR. Following on from 8, it’s important to keep your body well rested, as this aids your immune system and cuts down on the possibility of your body having to deal with stress . If you’re ill it’s harder to keep this regular, because sometimes your body just needs sleep to regenerate NOW. Equally in isolation, particularly if you’re feeling mentally low, it can be tempting to sleep forever, because y’know, you’re feeling low and what’s the point. (Of course the point is why we have 8 in particular, along with all the rest.)

OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Particularly for those with disabilities or chronic illnesses, we may be even more limited in our activities while isolated than able bodied folks. That said, the key is to remember that certainly during this pandemic, and otherwise YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE FEELING THIS WAY. Rubbish as it may be, many are in the same boat. If it pleases you to, seek them out - see what commonalities you have, what hopes and dreams and fascinations you may share. FIND THE OTHERS - it’s what humans have always done.

Be well.

#coronavirus #disability #cripkult

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blessedarethebinarybreakers · 4 years ago

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do you have any quotes/resources on how mental illness is not a sin? a friend of a friend has recently joined fundamentalist church-bordering-on-cult and the church teaches that mental illness is a sin, and they have adopted that belief. my friend is very worried about them but they are not christian themself and are lacking in resources.

Ugh ach, I am so sorry your friend’s friend has been sucked into such a group. I pray they’re able to find something more life-giving soon.

Mental illness is not a sin. How could it be, when it’s not something any of us intentionally takes on? More often what I hear from ableist Christians is that mental illness is some sort of “punishment” for sin -- but that is also absolutely not true. It’s an unfortunate aspect of living in a world that is so full of suffering and oppression.

In some cases, mental illness is nobody’s fault -- it’s an illness! In other cases, if you’re looking for someone or something to “blame” for a mental illness, blame the systems that force people into situations so stressful or painful that it creates unhealthy pathways in their brain and so on. (Persons in marginalized communities, from BIPOC to poor people to LGBT folks, are much more likely to experience mental illness because the stress and stigma of how the injustices they face traumatically impact their mental wellbeing. That’s no fault of theirs -- that’s on our social systems!)

God has so much compassion for those of us who experience mental illness. And by compassion I mean the root of the word -- “co-suffering”: God feels our pain with us. God is with us in it, not judging us but going through it at our side.

And God calls all of us to show that same compassion and solidarity with people with mental illnesses of all kinds -- especially the ones that are particularly stigmatized in our society. Xe also calls us all to work to remove the structures, systems, and stigmas that lead to suffering.

When churches go with the “mental illness is a sin / a punishment,” they’re taking the easy way out. It’s far easier to condemn and reject people with mental illnesses than to engage in the long hard work of sticking with them and supporting them. It’s far easier to tell them they’re just not praying enough and that’s why they’re still sick, than to actually help them get the resources they need.

If your brand of Christianity insists that we always have to be happy and hopeful, that “proof” of faith in God = worldly prosperity, including health, then the fact of mental illness and other illnesses & disabilities is uncomfortable, because it exposes the falsehood of your mentality. You have to blame the victim, or admit that your assumption that “bad things only happen to bad people” is wrong -- and therefore that you could get sick too; that you could be as faithful to God as you can and something bad could still happen to you.

If you like books, I have two recommendations for you:

the first is Barbara Brown Taylor’s Learning to Walk in the Dark, which combats that “Christian faith = never suffering mentality, which she calls “full solar Christianity,” with her “lunar spirituality” that makes room for God in the midst of pain. You can read a pdf of one of my fave chapters here.

Second is Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler. She’s a Christian who followed that “full solar” prosperity gospel type Christianity -- until she got diagnosed with stage four cancer and realized that kind of faith could offer her nothing in the face of such suffering. While her’s is a physical illness, she also discusses mental illness.

And if you prefer podcasts to books, Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens podcast follows the same themes as her book and is seriously amazing!

And for some more resources on this topic...

“Confessions of a Depressed Pastor” is a beautiful article for any Christian who’s been told there’s something wrong with them for having a mental illness.

I have a sermon on John 9′s “Who sinned that this man was born blind?” reading -- basically, Jesus in John 9 tells us that disability isn’t the result of sin; it’s not a punishment! That includes mental illness, not just the blindness specific to the Gospel text.

I have some YouTube videos that relate to mental illness and/or trauma and/or disability -- a sermon titled “God in the midst of our trauma and protest”; a reflection called “why does God allow suffering?”; a video called “Executive function, Jesus, and Elijah”; a video on “COVID19 Grief: naming trauma and finding balance”

You might also find some more helpful stuff wandering through my #mental illness and health tag.

For example, here’s a post with some mental health resources. It’s not shameful or wrong to reach out for help -- please, please do if/when you need it. Human beings are fashioned to live in community, in interdependence with one another. Allow God to work in your life through psychologists, therapists, friends, and other support systems <3

#mental illness #mental illness and health #Anonymous

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absynthe--minded · 3 years ago

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You can’t just leave bait like that in the tags. Please hurt us with your Rían headcanons. My biggest question is, why leave her son with elves instead of back home? Iirc there weren’t any women of the green elves, it just seems like an odd choice.

Oh boy. I can’t say it wasn’t sort of bait to say “I have sad headcanons” but Boy I Have Sad Headcanons.

I’m going to start by saying that I think of the three Edainic women of that generation who we really know anything about (Rían, Morwen, Aerin) she was the least psychologically resilient and the most head-in-the-clouds. She was quiet but witty, and had a delightfully wicked sense of humor, and she was absolutely enamored with Huor because he was very much a dreamer and not a solider. She loved songs and poetry and sewing and heroic legends, and she hoped her children would live to see a happier world.

And then the Nirnaeth happened, and there was no news from her husband, and she was married two months and already pregnant, and her home was invaded by people who took out their anger at being pawns of Morgoth on her and her folk. And Lorgan, frankly, is not a nice man, and we know he was very happy to enslave her son, and that Brodda was all too happy to forcibly wed Aerin regardless of how she felt about the matter. We don’t know canonically when Rían left, or if there was an inciting incident that caused her to leave beyond her husband’s absence - after all, Morwen was also pregnant, and they might have sought to escape together. I have thoughts about the situation she was trapped in, as the pregnant and vulnerable wife of the dead lord faced with angry and impotent and somewhat sadistic usurpers, but I think it’s important to say that very little can be argued, or suggested.

But, essentially, I think Rían was completely destroyed by all of this happening at once, and especially by the fact that she had no idea if Huor was alive or dead because everyone who might have brought news was either dead or sent to Angband themselves. When she fled into the wilds, it was both in search of her lord husband and in search of an escape from the hell that her life had turned into - she was coping with a massive mental breakdown that had well and truly sent her into some kind of dissociative episode, and by the time she found Annael she was a mess and the only anchor point she could think of was Huor, and she had to know what happened to him. You’re right that we’re not told there were ellyth with Annael, but I imagine there would have had to be, only because Rían leaving after Tuor is born (and against advice, but not against the statement “We have no wet nurses”) means he would need something to live on, you know?

But. I think she left her son with them because she was in an advanced state of psychological distress that would, in modern times, have earned her a stay in an inpatient facility. I think that she can safely be said to have been far from any kind of wise mind, with her coping mechanisms and support system gone, and as a result she made the choices she made with limited ability to cope with them and with the realities of her situation. I also think this as a disabled autistic person, who has always seen herself in “mad women”, and so I have no real patience for gross arguments about Women Being Crazy, and I’m not playing this for laughs, or to demean her. I think she should have had a better life, but also, that she was loved, and supported, and her family would have killed anybody who tried to argue that her illness and disability made her Lesser. (There would have been a five-way fight for Who Gets To Punch The Guy Who Said That, let’s be real, lol.)

#replies #anon replies #tolkien #absynthe’s headcanons #rían

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thegreenwolf · 5 years ago

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(This post was originally posted on my blog at https://thegreenwolf.com/its-okay-to-not-hustle/)

There’s this meme going around Facebook right now, saying “If you don’t come out of this quarantine with a new skill, your side hustle started, or more knowledge, you never lacked time. You lacked discipline.” Thankfully multiple people have already skewered it, but it continues to be shared around by the sort of person who is trying to one-up everyone else, or who’s just plain clueless–or, for that matter, just trying to guilt you into buying whatever they’re selling.

Now, there’s not a damned thing wrong with self-promotion. That’s how indie artists, authors, and other self-employed folks get the word out. You have to be able to talk good talk in order to get people’s attention. But leading with this meme? Guilting people for not leaping from sudden unemployment straight into the thick of the ever-shifting gig economy? That ain’t gonna fly, Brocephus.

You Have Good Reasons to Slack

Excuse me while I dust off my counseling psych degree a sec, here. *ahem* We are in a very sensitive, turbulent time right now. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in a century in the Western world. We are in a hugely traumatizing situation here. Not just for the financial losses, but the fact that COVID-19 has killed thousands of people and left many more with permanent lung damage. We still haven’t gotten a handle yet on exactly how contagious this thing is, how long you’re contagious for, or whether you’re immune once you’ve had it, assuming you survive. We don’t have adequate testing, emergency rooms estimate that for every positive test there are 10-20 people out there infected and untested, and everyone with a cough is suddenly Schroedinger’s COVID case. Governments worldwide are slow to react in spite of the rising death toll. People have had friends and family die horribly from this thing in a short period of time. Even people who didn’t already have issues with anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are feeling stressed, strained and scared–and, yes, traumatized. This image is guilt-tripping people who are actively being traumatized.

So we’re already starting with a populace that is dealing with this collective trauma, as well as whatever personal trauma each individual is experiencing. Not always easy to seize the day when you’re going through that. And I can think of a few other reasons that might further complicate this whole “Just get a side gig!” thing:

–They’re a parent who suddenly has all their kids at home, all the time, demanding time and attention and food, AND they still have to work eight hours a day from home, or maybe even more if their S.O. is unemployed/sick/etc. By the way, if someone trots out Isaac Newton or William Shakespeare or some other historical guy who managed to do epic things during a pandemic, remember that they usually had wives or servants to do all the laundry and cooking and cleaning and (if applicable) childcare for them.

–They’re disabled or chronically ill, and don’t have the ability/energy/etc. to just go and make something happen, just like that. Imagine if you just randomly got the fatigue from a really bad flu, and you never knew whether it was going to last a day or a month. And if you tried exerting yourself when you were feeling better, chances are you’d slip back into fatigue-land. That’s what a lot of my chronically ill/etc. friends have to deal with, to say nothing of issues with accessibility of resources for starting a side gig.

–They don’t have any money for the supplies needed to start a side hustle, or the supplies have been hoarded by hobbyists preparing for a Pandemic Staycation.

–They don’t have the skills for something that just requires what they already have (like, for example, writing on a laptop you already happen to own). Often these skills are things that can’t be perfected in a few weeks at home, but may take years to develop before they’re really marketable–like, for example, the skill to make a decent living on side hustles.

–They have anxiety, depression or other mental health conditions that make it hard to function even in the best of times, but even moreso in this…well…mess. Even people who were mentally healthy before are going to be developing diagnosable anxiety and depression disorders before all’s said and done. And speaking from personal experience, those of us who look successful on the outside can still be internally hamstrung by these conditions at times.

–Plus there’s the fact that we’re not supposed to, you know, leave our homes, which narrows down the field of potential side gigs by a lot.

Even doing something less financially-wrought like learning a new skill or subject takes time, energy, and sometimes money, any or all of which may be scarce for the reasons above and more.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I am saying all of this as someone who is arguably an expert on the side gig. I have spent the past eight and a half years 100% self-employed (and a lot longer doing it part-time) as an author and artist, able to cover all my bills and expenses, and for a time I was the primary breadwinner of a multi-person household. I have like ten different things I was doing for a living before this all hit, a pretty diverse set of streams of income, even if most of them just up and evaporated in the past few weeks. And while I’m definitely a hell of a lot leaner now than I was a month ago, I still have my head above water for the moment. So I think I know side gigs.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m overall healthy. I have a dog who is a lot less demanding of my time than kids would be. I have my own space where I can focus more or less without interruption. More importantly, I have the skills, the knowhow, the drive and the personality to go out and seek new opportunities. And I’m used to fluctuations in income, though admittedly this one’s unprecedented. Don’t gauge yourself by where I am now. I’ve spent twenty-two years building up my art business, my first book came out in 2006, and I’ve had a series of really good opportunities come my way that I had the privilege to be able to make the most of. I am not your measuring stick, so don’t say “Well, if she can do it why can’t I? I must suck!”

If you’re feeling crappy because you aren’t hopping to it and carpeing the diem and getting everything done, here’s what I have to say to you: Look, you just had your world turned upside-down. Job loss, scarce commodities, sudden lack of outside childcare, restricted movement and inability to be around much of your support system, and did I mention a pandemic is happening, too? Any single one of those things would be difficult for just about anyone to deal with, never mind all at once. And I don’t even know what all else has already been going on in your life–unstable or unsafe living situation, other health issues, breakups and other losses, interpersonal conflicts. You know, normal life stuff.

You’re Not Lazy, or Screwing Up, or (Gods Forbid) Undisciplined

It is totally okay if all you’re doing right now is surviving. It’s okay if you feel like you’re drowning, overwhelmed by all that’s happening both on a global level and more personally. It’s okay if all you can manage right now is to get out of bed and stumble through each day a moment at a time, struggling with a tidal wave of emotions. It’s okay if you’re just trying to keep your kids busy, dealing with a crowded home every single day, or trying to keep COVID-19 at bay. It’s okay if, instead of firing up DuoLingo or opening an Etsy shop, you spend your evenings vegging to Netflix or reading a book or playing hours and hours of Animal Crossing.

Not every moment in your life has to be about being productive even in the best of circumstances, and that goes exponentially so right now. Be patient with yourself, and be kind. You may be one of those folks who literally has to spend all their time scrabbling to try to cover the bills or get some leeway from bill collectors, and you have to dedicate your waking time hunting for resources just to try to get through this week. Believe me, I feel for you, I have a lot of friends in that situation right now, and I hope all of you can find some relief and assistance.

May I suggest something? If you have the energy for something more than the bare essentials of getting by, put that energy toward self-care, whatever you can manage under the circumstances. You can use it to recuperate, to rebuild your emotional and physical resilience. That way if things get rough again in the future, you have more internal reserves to build on. If your usual methods don’t work or aren’t accessible due to lockdown, ask others what they’re doing to keep themselves grounded in this trying time.

Just because you have more time doesn’t mean you don’t have to throw yourself right into something productive! Don’t feel pressured to just go-go-go the moment you have a little freedom to move. If you do decide you want to try a side gig, or a new skill, or learn all about some specialized topic of interest, go for it! If you have the energy and attention and opportunity to pursue something new, it can be a great coping skill during this traumatic time. Just don’t pressure yourself; keep it fun.

One last thing: I want you to save the image I have at the top of this post. And then if you see someone post that meme, saying “Come on, you lazy bums, get up and make that side gig happen! Learn new stuff! Do all the things! No excuses!” you pull out this version, and you look at the edits, you remember that it’s okay to be where you are, and you get back to doing things at your own pace no matter what someone else says. (I find visualizing stapling a printout of the edited version to the offender’s forehead to also be therapeutic, but that may just be me.)

Hang in there, okay? It’s going to be a rough time, but you’re not alone, and what you’re feeling right now is shared by so many people. So just let yourself be where you are in this moment, and we’ll see what hope tomorrow brings. And remember that whatever you’re capable of in this moment: it’s enough.

Did you enjoy this post? Please consider supporting my work on Patreon, buying my books here on my website, buying my art and books on Etsy, or tipping me at Ko-fi!

#COVID-19 #mental health #executive dysfunction #anxiety #depression #mine

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newbornwhumperfly · 4 years ago

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Hello! Just curious, but what did you mean with the tag about how the community tends to be escapism focused?

hello, anon! thx so much for the question - i hope you don’t mind if i ramble cause i have a lot of thoughts on this! <3

what i meant by my tag - that the whump community tends to be “escapism focused” - is that the very format of whump allows for quick satisfaction, low effort. this is by no means to diminish the efforts of all the creators in this community! and i also understand that the original post was exploring the comforting distance involved in writing things that “escape” from the painful realities of the non-thump world.

what i see as the main appeal of whump - as a genre and a community - is that we all sort of...know what we’re here for? we know we’re here for pain and suffering of all flavors and intensities. we know we’re here to hurt some people! there’s this one great post which talked about how the best thing about whump is that you don’t need to worry about world-building or backstory or character development because we all we want is pain.

i believe there’s a ton of validity to that! it’s why tagging exists, it’s why these selective filtering categories exist - so we can get what we came for! this is true in “regular” fandom communities and your average fanfiction as well. however! i also see how many popular whump bloggers on here have long-running series and richly developed characters - as well as delving into important, sensitive issues (usually having to do with trauma and mental illness, but not exclusively!) in the process.

however! as i have read many fans - particularly fans of color - in various fandoms i am a part of speak openly about how escapism - more specifically, who gets to “escape” into fandom - is a privilege. and...like...it is? it really is!

whump is not some magical bubble that is insulated from all of the privileges and prejudices we carry into “regular” fandoms - therefore, we are not immune from questioning our “tastes” in whumpees or whumpers, just as we aren’t immune to criticism about our fandom “preferences” in more conventional online communities. we aren’t immune to writing insensitive, prejudiced depictions of people of color, of queer people, of disabled folk, of neurodivergent folk, etc. just because it’s “just whump”.

therefore - it’s even more important to be aware of our actions, yes, even our self-indulgent ones. this happens to be a primary concern of mine because my whump tends to have very...non-white casts and i am a white writer! i also love being self-indulgent and i am very sympathetic to the mindset that i just wanna turn off my brain and hurt some whumpees!

i just believe it’s possible to be self-indulgent and self-critical at the same time - whump is not different from fandom fanfiction and fanfic isn’t different from traditional modes of writing in terms of perpetuating stereotypes or feeding into harmful depictions of marginalized/vulnerable people.

a trashy horror movie where “i’m just here for the gore!” where the scares are based on ableism might be self-indulgent but that doesn’t mean we don’t need to be aware of how it impacts us and our perspectives. yes, i think distance is desirable! i think projection onto a “safe” target is cathartic and necessary for many people - myself included.

i just think there needs to be room in this conversation about the ways in which escapism can manifest as an empathy gap, as an expression of prejudice, feeding into a painful trope, etc. it doesn’t mean we can’t write what we want.

i just believe that in a community where escapism is the primary appeal? it’s important to analyze even our indulgences in the context that nothing - no, not even whump - exists in a vacuum.

but that’s, just, like....my opinion. xppp

thank you so much for the question on...a truly complex subject, i appreciate it! (please forgive the rambling)

#this was a doozy but i hope i come across clearly xppp #i am also very tired.#whump #writing #fandom #whump discourse #representation #personal

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tiarasnteakettles · 4 years ago

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Some updates.

It’s Sunday, so it’s always a last minute scramble to get packages put together, weighed, and postage printed for hopefully a Monday post office trip. Danish Ruby and Cambridge Loveknot tiaras are STILL NOT HERE and I’m waiting 5 more business days before filing a dispute. Obviously this past #tiarapocalypse is taking longer than ever - between holiday delays in addition to COVID related delays, it’s safe to say a lot of folks aren’t happy with me. This isn’t even beginning to touch on what is happening to me personally in addition to that. I’m kinda hoping what I’m going through right now can be a teachable moment for someone else, however, so I’m just gonna get to it.

My partner, the one who preps my art files and sends them off to have stickers and cards made, as well as take me to the post office whenever I have packages to send - well, he’s been gone since the week after Halloween 2020. Each week, we think he’ll be home the following week, then something happens to prevent that. Then the next week. Then the next. His father has dementia and needs round the clock care - and his mom, through some poor life choices, isn’t in any condition to do so. This is where it starts to get teachable. See, they’re in their 70′s, well past retirement age, and should have plenty of benefits to help get the care they need. This family is VERY well off. Why is their only son nearly being fired from his job for this extended absence to care for them? Where is the money for home healthcare, transportation, etc. if they are, essentially, rich? Well, turns out all those years of cruises, gambling, expensive restaurants every night, and more - have taken their toll. They did not set anything aside for when the inevitable happens and they become too old to care for themselves. No insurance, no plans, no money. Nothing. And if you’re an american like me, you know damn well the government systems leave much to be desired. In their case, they’ve managed to get 12 hours of a nurse to come help out per week. 12 hours a week to help them bathe, use the restroom, prepare meals, pick up prescriptions, run errands like getting groceries, etc. It’s not nearly enough.

And so each month goes by, my partner still can’t come home because there’s nothing in place to help his parents if he leaves. And of course we’re angry. But we’re past the point of anger, being angry doesn’t do anything. They spent all their money. They didn’t care about themselves, or their son, enough to save a single penny for this part of their lives and chose instead to blow it all on wining and dining and travel. How the money disappeared is of no importance at this point. What matters is the now, and the now is that he is trapped there. No one is expecting him to abandon his parents. I wouldn’t either if I was in his place. And so, while I’m about 11 years younger than him, I still wanted to ask my mom a pretty uncomfortable question: “What happens when you and my stepfather are too old to take care of yourselves? Do y’all have insurance plans or anything for when that happens? Anything set aside to cover things like nurses or transportation or doctors?”

She said, “Nope! Whatever happens, happens.”

She made it pretty clear that I’m expected to leave whatever life I’ve built for myself by that point and come home to care for them - “because your sister won’t,” So I guess the moral here is if you’re in your 20′s, 30′s, 40′s. If you haven’t had this kind of talk with your family - maybe you ought to soon. Don’t get completely blindsided like we have. I am intellectually disabled and chronically ill. I need help managing daily tasks. I don’t have a drivers’ license because I can’t drive, and I’m immunocompromised so I can’t really leave this house during a pandemic. It’s hard to take care of myself, let alone keep up with Patreon and the shop (the only thing paying my bills).

The delays from the holidays and now covid are one thing, but having to manage all of this all by myself is also difficult. I’ve been at it 4 months now. I can’t even use the washer to launder my clothes, there’s some sort of leak and he’s not here to look at it and I can’t afford to pay someone to come out and look at it. People drop off groceries at my door to make sure I eat. When my best friend has a spare moment during the onslaught of classes, every other week or so, he’ll pick up a bunch of my packages and take them to the post office. That’s part of what’s taking so long. I may print the label and pack the order, but it could be sitting in the outgoing bin for weeks before being taken to post. That’s not his job, I’m not about to remind him or beg to come more often. He has his own life and taking care of me isn’t his obligation. So yeah, things are slow. No, I don’t know when things will be better. And for the love of god, talk to your parents about their future plans if they have any so you can be prepared.

#personal #i'm so sorry

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cuttlefishkitch · 4 years ago

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hello! i haven't talked to you before, but ron said that i could ask you for some advice on writing eds? (i'd like to know things to avoid/common things that could come up in everyday life that would be good to mention/the sort of aids and stuff they'd have maybe?/anything else you think is relevant)

Hi! Sorry this took so long, a combination of ADHD and chronic pain slowed me way the fuck down. Thank you for being patient!

EDIT: WEIRD HEEL THINGS I FORGOT!!

So, before I get into this I should probably say I technically haven’t been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS for anyone reading) because it’s one of those syndromes that takes forever to get diagnosed with (it took a friend of mine’s mother over 30 years to get dxed). Many doctors, and everyone I know who does have EDS agree with me that it’s probably what causes my chronic joint pain and some of my other chronic issues. But just because three separate doctors have said “Yeah Probably” doesn’t mean I’m diagnosed!! Only a geneticist can do that!! And they had two-three year waitlists BEFORE the apocalypse happened.

I am diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Small Fiber Neuropathy, and potentially misdiagnosed with Fibromyalgia (once I get properly tested for EDS I might get undiagnosed with this because I don’t have most of the main symptoms of Fibro, but I got diagnosed with it anyway because it’s what doctors misDX you with when they don’t know what’s wrong with you and don’t want to do more tests).

All that said, I’ve done a lot of research about EDS (mainly because it’s the only thing that explains all my symptoms since doctors seem incapable of doing so), and know a few people who have either confirmed or suspected EDS, so I’ll link to some stuff, talk about the symptoms that often come with EDS, explain how the symptoms I have affect me, because just because someone’s not diagnosed doesn’t mean they aren’t having symptoms, and probs elaborate a bit about writing physical disabilities and chronic pain in general because it’s super important to me!

So RESOURCES aka how to make sure your post never sees the light of day because you’re linking things and tumblr hates it when people give other people information!!

Youtubers! If you want to know about the day to day of living with EDS or any disability or chronic illness I super suggest finding a youtuber that makes videos about their life. My EDS favorites are

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard

Annie Elainey

Amy Lee Fisher

Websites! If you’re asking random folks on tumblr I’m assuming (and hoping) you’ve already done the basic WebMD google searches and looked over the seemingly ridiculous lists of symptoms and related conditions, so here are a few websites that are made more for people than for doctors.

The Ehlers Danlos Society

OhTWIST (That’s Why I’m So Tired)

ChronicPainPartners (the fact that they have an entire section of articles called “Dealing with Doctors” should really tell you something)

Books! If you feel like doing actual reading! I suggest reading books written by people with Ehlers Danlos, to get a feel for how they portray themselves. I’m not saying steal, but it’s probably a good point of comparison to see how your portrayal feels. (haven’t actually read these b/c my ADHD doesn’t let me read)

Ria Ruse by Morgan S. Ray (a superhero book with a disabled super MC!!)

Mysteries of Maybelle by Imani Benfell (Imani is still in high school and has already written and self-published a book cause she didn’t have enough representation for herself how cool is she!!)

Bodies in Motion by Liana Brooks (tw for pregnancy problems and miscarriages in the link, because it’s a blog post talking about integrating EDS symptoms into the story without explicitly naming them as such)

OKAY, now for some rambling about EDS SYMPTOMS!!!

Ehlers Danlos is one monster of a genetic condition in complexity and variety. There are THIRTEEN different identified types of EDS, it often comes with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and/or POTS, and can lead to various other conditions like gastroparesis, chiari malformation, craniocervical instability, and/or bad teeth. So if you’re going to be writing a character with EDS consider what other comorbid conditions they might also have. I’m mainly going to be talking about Hypermobile EDS (hEDS) because it’s what I probably have and what I’m most familiar with. That said there is a lot of overlap in symptoms with the other varieties.

I started typing this section and realized I was going to have to break it down even more so we’re going to talk about Chronic Pain, Unstable Joints (Dislocations and Subluxations), Skin Things, Mobility Issues, and Other Weird Shit and how those things get addressed separately.

Gonna get the Other Weird Shit out of the way first. Because EDS is a malfunction of connective tissue it can fuck up all sorts of random things. For instance, I and many other people w/ hEDS have trouble swallowing. Shit gets stuck in my throat, I sometimes choke on and have to cough up food, and pills can be hard to swallow, which sucks cause I take A Lot Of Pills. If it doesn’t cause full-on gastroparesis it can cause IBS or other digestive problems b/c the digestive tract is mostly made of connective tissue. It can potentially cause heart problems even if they aren’t as big of a risk as in some other forms of EDS. Premature osteoarthritis is common because what you need is more joint pain. And Fatigue OH BOY THE FATIGUE. And of course the headaches, can’t forget those pesky migraines can we!

AND piezogenic papules!! I completely forgot!! Piezogenic papules are little white bumps that appear when you put weight on your heel. In some people they hurt, but in others they don’t. They’re technically tiny little herniations of fat peaking through the fascia in the heel. They were added as part of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS in 2017!

Now for Skin Things cause it’s not as big a thing in hEDS as it is in other forms. Basically, in a lot of forms of EDS, the skin is extra stretchy and extra delicate. It bruises and tears easily, people with the extreme versions of this can accidentally scratch something into an open wound if they aren’t careful. My skin is pretty soft and sensitive, I def have the typical velvety skin, and as is pretty par for the course of someone with hEDS my skin is a little stretchy, and sorta delicate. I’m not as tissue-papery as some people get, but I almost always have at least one mystery bruise or scrape b/c existing is hazardous. Most of scars are also pretty normal, unlike the extremely papery and atrophic scars (though I have a few tiny acne scars that are atrophic) that are common with other kinds of hEDS. Something that I DO have is Lots of Stretch Marks, all over my thighs, and even down to my calves. Which wouldn’t be abnormal, except for the fact that I’ve never been over 145 lbs and I’ve never been pregnant. Having a lot of stretch marks or striations in the skin without due cause happens because the structure of the skin isn’t as strong as it is in people with a normal amount of connective tissue.

I don’t have to worry as much about my skin but people that do are usually very careful with adhesives because they can irritate or tear the skin, which sucks when you need a lot of bandaids cause your darn skin won’t do its job.

Now on to the meatier stuff and since I’m mostly working backward let’s do Mobility Issues!! These can happen in loads of ways, but a lot of what causes these in people with EDS are the other two things I wanna talk about. Unstable joints lead to increased risk of injury when doing stuff people with fully functioning joints can do.

For context, I’m an ambulatory wheelchair user, meaning I can walk, but a lot of the time it’s better if use a chair. Mine is mostly for my POTS symptoms, but the fact that my legs aren’t also in absolute agony is a big plus. I use a custom manual wheelchair with a SmartDrive (b/c I’m very fucking fortunate and have good insurance) whenever I leave the house and have to be “walking” for more than a few minutes at a time. I can’t fully self-propel in a manual chair because it would be damaging to the joints in my arms and hands, but the smaller chair is easier to maneuver in less than accessible spaces (like almost everywhere). There was about a month-long span where I used a very cheap and very bulky electric chair while I was waiting on the ideal set up I have now. Before that, I also briefly used, and sometimes still use, an up-right posture cane.

People with EDS have widely varying mobility issues because of how uniquely it can manifest. My cane only gave me a little help with balance because if I used it in any prolonged capacity any pain it took away from my legs was relocated to my arms, and as an artist, my arms are more important to me!

If you’re going to write a character with EDS having mobility issues as a result of their EDS the best thing to do is to narrow down their specific needs. Are their knees complete and utter garbage but their shoulders and wrists strong? Maybe they can get away with using a cane. Can they not stand for longer than 5 minutes because of the vertigo from their POTS? Maybe they need a manual wheelchair. Would propelling themself damage their back and arm joints? An electric chair might be necessary! Plenty of people with EDS use all sorts of combinations of these aides to get around their life, consider how your character’s good and bad days would be. Do they have back up plans if they overestimate themselves? There can be a lot to manage, but don’t let it scare you off! Sometimes I try and make it into a resource management game (because I’m a game designer and that’s what I do), to make evaluating my energy and mobility needs more fun!

But now let's tackle some of the reasons those mobility aides might be needed. Unstable Joints.

Ever stepped wrong and rolled your ankle? It hurts for a few steps and then kinda fixes itself, or maybe it bothers you for the rest of the day and you put it up and ice it when you get home? When I was walking around outside my house that would happen AT LEAST once a month, usually more. Some times I’m sitting wrong and when I get up my knee isn’t a knee anymore and decides to just give out from under me. My knuckles are made of unruly popcorn and they Don’t Want To Stay Home!! Oh! And my shoulder is more often out a little out of its socket than it is fully in.

Unstable joints lead to Dislocations and Subluxations of varying intensity, and some people get them more frequently than others. Some can be severe enough to necessitate hospital visits and even surgery, some subluxations are so banal (like my fUCKING SHOULDER) that you just learn to live with the pain.

If a character is going to be in high action, combat-heavy scenarios, chances are they’re going to be popping out joints left and right. Hell, depending on the severity of their joint laxity they could be doing the same sitting at a desk. Again, it’s incredibly varied. I’d suggest setting some sort of baseline for yourself, of what a character’s joints can and can’t stand up to, and maybe do some research on which joints are most likely to pop out in general (hips and shoulders are big culprits being the wacky ball and socket motherfuckers they are). Then maybe have something pop out or hold up every so often when it shouldn’t cause hey! EDS is kinda just like that! Unpredictable!

Some ways people manage joint laxity is with braces, KT tape, and physical therapy. Braces come in many different forms, since I’m currently getting pretty much no treatment for my shitty joints I use mostly compression braces made for sporty people. It really is amazing how much a bit of tight fabric can do to keep my wrist in place.

More specialized braces often have solid parts to prevent the joints from hyper-extending (bending the wrong way) and causing further damage. If you ever see someone with what looks like diamond shaped rings around a bunch of their finger joints, chances are those are Ring Splints, and are there to keep the finger shaped like a finger. I want to get my hands on some and get some on my hands Very Badly, because my fingers hyper-extend SO MUCH when I type, and it makes my hand pain way way worse.

KT tape is another thing people often use. It’s stretchy tape you put on your skin and it basically functions kinda like a second ligament as well as reinforcing the joint and keeping the bones mostly where they’re supposed to be. The problem with this is a lot of people with EDS have very sensitive and fragile skin like I mentioned before, so KT tape can cause allergic reactions, chronic skin irritation, or just straight up take the skin with it when someone goes to remove it. Hence a lot of folks are really careful with it.

Physical Therapy is kinda the best (and only) treatment for joint laxity aside from Very Invasive and sometimes Highly Experimental surgery. It focuses on strengthening the muscles around the joints so they can do the work all those bone ropes made of body glue can’t. The problem is finding a physical therapist that 1) knows what EDS even is, 2) knows you have it, and 3) knows how to treat it without doing stuff that’ll Phucking Hurt You Worse!! Because exercising wrong with EDS can do Permanent Damage!!!

Again most folks use a combination of all of these things, or have next to no access to them b/c healthcare sucks.

Anyway, on to one of my favorite topics, Chronic Pain!! One of the reasons this post took me so long!!!

Chances are if your character has chronic pain as a result of their EDS there are gonna be some things they hate, including stairs, rain, thunderstorms, stairs, hills, uneven terrain, oh and did I mention stairs??? It’s going to vary person to person, but almost everyone I’ve met with pain from EDS has complained about their knees. For me the most debilitating pain is in my fingers and wrists. They’re by far my least stable joints but I use them constantly for stuff like drawing, typing, and sewing.

Because my joint pain is so wide spread, like most people’s with hEDS, it effects every single part of my day to day life. I can’t carry a heavy ceramic plate, open a bottle, or even use my computer without pain. It’s practically impossible for me to get comfortable in any position be it sitting or laying down, and as you can imagine that makes it hard to sleep a lot of the time. Moving too much hurts, but so does sitting still. I’m constantly taking braces on and off or cracking/stretching my joints so they pop back into place and hurt less.

Also being in pain makes everything else That Much Worse. I get tired way faster than I did before my pain was this bad (I had chronic pain for a while before actually realizing it wasn’t normal to not be able to walk down the block without feeling like your foot bones are trying to escape). My sensory issues and anxiety disorder are more easily aggravated because my base level of comfort is way worse. It fucks with my depression. And OH BOY does it make my ADHD worse because being in pain is fucking distracting as hell and makes it harder to make decisions and switch tasks. Also my ADHD often makes my other symptoms worse cause I forget to take my meds, don’t drink enough water, or can’t find my fucking braces because the item eating black-hole that comes with ADHD stole them. The intersection of mental and physical disabilities is probably a rant for another time though, so back to chronic pain.

Does it suck? Yes, undoubtedly. Is this incredibly debilitating? Of course it is, I spent the last several months unable to feed myself without assistance because there was a staircase between my room and the kitchen and I could only manage to climb it once a day. Is it overwhelming? Definitely, I’ve frequently broken down crying from a combination of pain and frustration because I’m having a bad day and there’s no relief to be found. Am I able to predict when it’s going to rain with uncanny accuracy because any change in barometric pressure makes me feel like every bone in my body is trying to kill it’s neighbors? You bet your fucking ass I am!! Does it sometimes make me irritable, angry, and occasionally dismissive of when abled people get cold or a temporary injury because the stuff they’re complaining about is my life every single day and all avenues of treatment and recovery I have could take years and still not entirely solve my issues? Yeah, and while I deserve a little extra patience I also have to be sure to check myself because I don’t want to turn into someone who’s nasty to be around. Do I sometimes need to sleep for 17 hours straight because it’s raining, I have migraine, and I’m in too much pain to be conscious? Yup, sometimes a few days in a row. Does living in constant pain mean I’m unable to do all the things I want to and does that sometimes make me wanna curl up in bed and never leave? Yeah, it happens.

But! And here’s the big important but, that’s not everything! I still write, draw, and talk to my friends!! It might take me a little longer but I get there. I’m still happy and excitable and make the time to write out five page long posts about EDS because it’s something I’m passionate about! My chronic pain doesn’t stop me. I refuse to let it. I never really wanted to go mountain climbing anyway, so I’m perfectly happy being able to make it up and down the six steps in my house, even if sometimes I have to sit and bump down them on my ass, or crawl up them like a cat. Chronic pain isn’t all I am. It isn’t a fate worse than death. It isn’t the only thing your character should talk about (though I do talk about my pain a lot cause I’m a complainer about almost everything). You can have your character be hindered by their pain, realistically they would be. You can have them seek comfort, support, and relief. Other characters can commiserate and be sympathetic, but it doesn’t mean their whole life is going to be one big pity party, that would be incredibly fucking boring. I know I’d be bored out of my mind.

All that said dealing with chronic pain, especially from EDS, is Complicated. Physical Therapy is the gold standard, but like I said before it can be a long and difficult process, and isn’t always accessible. Stabilization methods like I talked about before can help prevent pain, or reduce it by keeping bones mostly where they belong. Heat and cold help joints, relax muscles, and reduce inflammation but keeping them applied is rough and the relief doesn’t always last. Doctors prescribe anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sometimes even anti-epileptic medication to help manage pain, but everyone’s mileage with those varies. And I’m not at all qualified to talk in-depth about narcotics or other heavy duty pain-meds, but suffice to say the war on drugs fucked shit up for people that legit need that kind of help BIG TIME.

Now for my closer/bonus rant about EDS and Disability Writing in General!

Everyone always says write what you know, so if you really want to do disabled people justice, get to know disabled people! Make friends with disabled people, get involved with advocacy groups, consume content made by disabled creators both about disability and not! Disabilities are so fucking diverse, even EDS is such a complex disorder, and comes with so many potential co-morbidities, that practically everyone with it has a unique experience. There’s no way I can fully explain everything in a tumblr post. Hell, even if I could talk to you for hours probably couldn’t give you enough info to answer all your questions (especially since I’m still in diagnosis hell :,) ), so talk to a wide range of people with EDS and other disabilities!! I know it sounds like a lot of work but trust me, disabled people are some of the strongest, raddest, coolest, people you will ever meet that it won’t feel like it.

And don’t be afraid either, the fact that EDS and other disabilities are so wildly varied means that you have a little bit of wiggle room with your character’s experience. There’s so little disability rep out their I think people are WAY to scared to try their hand at writing it. So long as your character is a fully developed person in addition to being disabled, you give some logical thought as to how it would affect their life, and you don’t make their disability the butt of any joke it isn’t difficult to avoid ableist writing. PLEASE WRITE MORE DISABLED PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH CHRONIC PAIN/CHRONIC ILLNESS!!

Okay that’s it, again sorry it took so long for me to get back to you! My fingers were being little pests about it, and my ADHD (which is honestly more disabling than everything else a lot of the time lmao) was being an asshole! Hope this helps, and feel free to ask me more questions if you need clarification! It might take me a bit but I do love talking about this stuff.

#neela-chaan #ehlers danlos syndrome #EDS #hEDS #hypermobile ehlers danlos #disability #writing advice #disability writing #Chronic Pain #asks #SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG IM JUST SLOW #also i'm sorry the formatting is such a wreck #my adhd won't let me go back and fix it #and i've already spent way too much time

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campgender · 4 years ago

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3 & 6!

3) what is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

OH MAN OKAY i’ve had this scene in my drafts for ages, like at least 3 years probably, where Bodhi (from Rogue One) is allowed to be way more jaded and bitter and traumatized & he’s super critical of Galen (who i think was so fucking manipulative to him and wish there was more content addressing that) and the Rebellion’s use of actual fucking child soldiers while still deciding to do the right thing. here’s the part i actually got around to writing for anyone interested:

Bodhi swallows and rubs the back of his neck. “Okay then. So, uh, I'm not really used to doing this, do I just say it? Is there some sort of code-word protocol? God, I feel so stupid. Okay. I'm the pilot.”

Cassian stares at him. “The what?”

Bodhi swears. “Seriously? What kind of secret anti-government resistance are you, can't even keep up with a few goddamn code names.” He runs his hands over his face, tipping his head to the ceiling in silent frustration, and mutters something that includes “Galen Erso” and “resistance,” both prefaced by several forms of the word fuck.

“Okay,” he says after a second. “Okay. Humiliate me from beyond the grave, whatever, shouldn't have expected any less.” He sighs and looks at Cassian. “I worked with Erso. Sort of. And he said in the event of his death, people like you come poking around, I tell you I'm the pilot and they'll know what it means.” He rolls his eyes. “I am going to completely disregard the custom of not speaking ill of the dead. Anyway. These people aren't quite the cradle robbers your resistance folk are, but I've been here a while, I can help you.”

“I volunteered.”

Bodhi doesn't appear thrown by Cassian focusing on that facet of the conversation. “You were indoctrinated. Based on what Erso said, you were, what, seven? Six?” He seems to read an answer in Cassian’s silence. “Okay. Six years old. Running missions for an organization whose purpose you couldn't possibly understand, risking your life without knowing it—”

“I was aware of the risks.”

“They let you play at being a hero. And now they call you one, so you still can't see how fucked up it is.”

It’s almost bizarrely hilarious that they’re still whispering all of this. That someone has dissected his worst fears in a matter of minutes when the psychologist back on base has never come close. He really hopes Bodhi actually is trying to help them, with a mind like that.

6) what character do you have the most fun writing?

ooohh it depends honestly! when i need to release some of my anger into the world i love writing hermann gottlieb from pacific rim because he’s one of very few disabled characters with, like, a personality, and since he’s also involved in scientific research it’s easy to translate my experiences into his context and rant about microaggressions lol. just in general i’ve also really enjoyed writing dylan piper from disney’s halloweentown which is 100% the special interest talking but i do think he’s a cool character, this guy who is really ostracized in the human world but still chooses to essentially ignore his own magic. not many people who found out they had magic powers as a kid would do that lol

#mac writes #ask meme #firstaudrina #cassian x bodhi #sniperpilot

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razieltwelve · 4 years ago

Text

Siren (The Vestige)

For a long moment, Lightning couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. It had been years since she’d heard a fal’Cie siren go off, but there was no mistaking that loud, shrill, klaxon.

“Mom?” Diana tugged on her sleeve. “What’s that sound?”

Lightning said nothing. Instead her gaze swept over the crowded boardwalk as people froze. The children were confused. They didn’t understand what was happening. But the older people, they all knew what those sirens meant.

“Come on.” Lightning looked at Fang. “We need to get out of here.”

“Yeah.” Fang’s eyes were wide, and Lightning could tell that she wasn’t entirely there. “We have to go.” She picked Diana up and then glanced down at Averia. “Stay close, Averia. We are getting out of here right now.”

“But why -” Diana’s question was cut off as Fang broke into a swift walk. She would have run, but even with her prosthetic, Lightning would never have been able to keep up, and Fang wasn’t going to leave her or Averia behind.

“This has to be a false alarm,” Fang muttered. “There’s no way it can be real.”

“I hope so.” Lightning fumbled for her phone and quickly dialled a number. The Eidolon Program had largely gone into stasis since the end of the Breach War. There simply hadn’t been a need for it after the Breach had been sealed, and the money had been desperately needed elsewhere. However, there were still monitoring stations in place, and she still knew people on the inside. “I’m going to make a call.”

“Good.” Fang’s pace quickened slightly as panic began to set in. They got off the boardwalk and began to make their way through the winding alleys that would take them back to the train station. They both knew that the main streets would be full of panicked people.

“Are they back?” Averia asked quietly.

“I don’t know,” Lightning said. Averia might only have been nine years old, but she’d paid close attention to the history of the Breach War. They had closed the Breach, but there was nothing guaranteeing that it wouldn’t open one day. The bomb they’d sent through was the biggest in history, but there was still a chance something might have survived it. “I hope not.”

Her phone finally managed to get through. “Lebreau, it’s Lightning.”

“Marshal...” Lebreau was short of breath. “You’re not going to believe this...”

“I’m in Bodhum. I can hear fal’Cie sirens. Is this a false alarm?” Lightning cut straight to the point.

“No.” Lebreau swallowed thickly. “We detected a Breach almost an hour ago, but it’s taken us this long to confirm it. We don’t have as many sensors up as we used, so we had to reroute a fishing boat. We’ve got a Category V headed in that direction. Estimated time of arrival is two hours.”

“Two hours...” Lightning did a mental review of the military assets in the area. “That’s not enough time for the military to scramble a sufficiently large response.” A Category V could be taken down with conventional weaponry, but it would take days of sustained heavy bombing or the use of nuclear weapons, perhaps multiple nuclear weapons depending on the fal’Cie. “And there’s no way we can evacuate in time.”

“I know, ma’am.” Lebreau made a pained sound. “I can have a chopper at Bodhum’s airport in half an hour. You, Fang, and the kids can get out.”

“Serah is here too with Snow and their kids...” Lightning trailed off. “Lebreau... how decommissioned is Odin?”

“What?”

“After the Breach, we pushed to have the remaining Eidolons preserved and memorialised. Odin overlooks Bodhum Bay. How decommissioned is he? Is there any chance we could get him up and running again?”

“Uh...” Lebreau had to be looking up files. Odin had suffered massive damage during the Breach War. However, he’d been refurbished prior to being memorialised as a giant statue overlooking the bay. Lightning had been too ill at that point to keep up with everything they’d done to the machine, but she’d left Vanille in charge of it. And if she knew Vanille, the redhead would never have allowed them to gut Odin’s interior. She would have pushed for the bare minimum to ensure he was ‘safe’ to use as a statue. “Give me a second...”

Lightning winced as the wailing of the sirens grew louder. If people weren’t panicked already, they would be now.

“Right.” Lebreau’s voice was breathless. “I finally found the real file. It turns out that Dr Dia did what she always does - she lied and did whatever she wanted while ignoring orders from the higher ups. Odin was supposed to have his core removed and his weapons disabled. It turns out that Dr Dia filed a fake file stating the work had been done, but she apparently gave me personal access at some point to the real file. Odin’s core was deactivated, but it should theoretically still be operational - we built them to last - and while he doesn’t have any ammunition for his ballistic weapons, the Blazefire Sabre was restored to working order, as were the rest of his weapons. But after going so long without maintenance, I’m not sure how good they’ll be.”

Lightning made a mental note to scold Vanille a little less harshly for her insubordination next time. “It’s fine. It’s better than nothing. I don’t know who’s in charge of this sort of thing anymore, but you need to get in touch with them. We need whoever we can get - techs, engineers, mechanics, anybody - over here to try to get Odin up and running. I’ll call Serah. She and Fang should be able to pilot him.”

“I’m already on it,” Lebreau said. “We’ve got some retired folks from the Eden City Ark living in Bodhum. I’ll get in touch with them too.”

“Do it.”

X X X

“Ma’am.”

Lightning returned the salute as Diana and Averia looked up at Odin in awe. The area immediately underneath the Eidolon was normally closed to the public, but these were special circumstances. “It’s good to see you again.” She recognised every single one of the people here. “I know it’s been a while, but I appreciate it.”

“It’s no problem.” The mechanic grinned. “We used to do maintenance on Odin back in the day. It’ll be nice to give him a bit of a refresher.” His voice turned sombre. “Besides, it’s not like running away would help. If we can get him working again, we might have a chance.” He shrugged. “Odin has never lost a battle. I doubt he’ll start losing any now.”

“That’s right.” Odin had been critically damaged twice, but he had still won each of those battles. “When can we expect the suits to arrive.”

Her question was answered as a helicopter landed.

“That would be them now,” the mechanic said. He gestured to his fellows. “Come on. We’ll let the techs handle the suits. We’ve got work to do! I want that core up and running in half an hour or less!”

The techs with the suits ran over. They were also carrying advanced communications equipment, and Lightning set it up on a nearby picnic table.

“I hope I still fit into one of those suits,” Fang said, trying to smile. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Serah approaching with Snow and their kids. The pink-haired woman had given birth less than six months ago, but there was no way she’d refuse to get into the Conn-Pod. Refusing would mean Lightning would have to try her luck again, and neither she nor Serah wanted that.

“I think you’ll do fine.” Lightning nodded at Snow. “Can you take the kids?” she asked him.

Snow looked like he wanted to protest. He’d been a phenomenal pilot in his own right. However, he didn’t have an Eidolon to pilot right now. Finally, he nodded. “All right.” He smiled. “Okay, Averia and Diana, you two can come with me, Claire, and the twins. It’ll be fun.” He lowered his voice. “Marshal...”

It was telling that he was addressing her as marshal rather than as Lightning despite them being in-laws. “I’ll do my best, and I know Fang and Serah will too,” Lightning said. “I just hope it’s still good enough.”

X X X

“Today,” the newsreader announced. “We found out that the Breach War is not over. For the first time in more than a decade, a Breach opened, and a fal’Cie once more laid siege to one of our cities. Bodhum was attacked, and if not for the extraordinary actions of former members of the Eidolon Program, it would have been lost.”

Footage began to play. It was a mess, obviously taken from several phones, supplemented with some shaky camera footage from a terrified news crew who had been covering a sandcastle competition.

A titanic monster, the fal’Cie, waded toward the beach only to be intercepted by one of the most famous Eidolons ever built. Odin charged into it, driving it back into the shallows. The Eidolon was still decorated with the ceremonial signs and placards that had been put on him when he’d been installed as a statue along the shoreline.

“The decommissioned Eidolon, Odin, was reactivated and sent into battle once more. Piloted by Oerba Yun Fang and Serah Farron, the Eidolon engaged the Category V fal’Cie only a few hundred yards from the shore.”

The footage shifted to show the two behemoths exchanging blows so hard the water sprayed outward with each impact. A swipe of the fal’Cie’s claws shredded the armour along the Eidolon’s right shoulder before a punch from the machine staggered it. Another blow followed, a rocket igniting briefly on the Eidolon’s elbow before fizzling out. The punch still rattled the fal’Cie, and Odin charged forward to ram his shoulder into the monster’s chest.

The fal’Cie slid backward, losing its footing as it tripped over something hidden in the water. It toppled back, and Odin used the break in combat to unfurl the Blazefire Sabre. The weapon jammed half-way through transforming, but Odin barely paused before simply raising the weapon and bringing it down over the fal’Cie’s head like a club,

There was a deep crunching sound, and the fal’Cie shuddered, trying to scramble back and put some distance between them, so it could recover. Odin stumbled over the same thing that had tripped the fal’Cie, and the monster managed to retreat. As Odin threatened to fall, the Blazefire Sabre swept forward to be used as an improvised crutch.

The impact jarred the weapon, and it finally unfurled to its full length. Plasma flared to life along the blade’s edge, and Odin staggered forward almost clumsily. The first slash caught the fal’Cie along its side, and the creature shrieked in pain and fury. Its tail darted forward, but Odin managed to jerk far enough to avoid the worst of the attack. Still, the barber stinger tore a gash along the Eidolon’s right flank, and the Eidolon staggered for a split-second before bringing its sword around for another blow.

This time, the Blazefire Sabre ht cleanly. It dug deep into the fal’Cie’s shoulder, and there was a metallic howl as the servos and systems built into Odin roared to life. The blade swept down and to the left, and the fal’Cie’s arm came off in a spray of gore. Wounded, the fal’Cie tried to charge forward, but Odin met the charge head-on, driving its shoulder into the fal’Cie’s gut and flinging it back.

The Blazefire Sabre struck again, cleaving a chunk out of the fal’Cie’s chest before it unleashed a spray of caustic acid. Odin’s left arm came up to shield the Conn-Pod, and the armour along its forearm began to sizzle and melt. With a metallic roar, Odin’s battered arm wedged itself into the fal’Cie’s open mouth, halting the spray of corrosive fluid as the hilt of the Blazefire Sabre cracked into the fal’Cie’s forehead.

The monster’s knees threatened to give way as its skull fractured, and Odin twisted the Blazefire Sabre around to stab down into the gap between the plates of armour along the monster’s collarbone. The blade bit deep, and the Eidolon sawed it back and forth, one hand still wedged in the monster’s mouth as the fal’Cie flailed and thrashed with increasing desperation.

A few moments later, it was over, and Odin yanked the weapon free with a spray of gore.

It must have been the first time the newsreader had seen the footage because she had gone completely silent, just staring at the screen. “I... uh...” She shook herself. “The battle took place almost entirely in the bay, vastly reducing the possibility of casualties or property damage. At this stage, the Eidolon Program has yet to issue a formal statement although officials in both the government and the opposition are demanding that the Eidolon Program be reactivated in full and that all remaining Eidolons be reactivated.”

X X X

Author’s Notes

Some people aren’t destined for quiet lives. Lightning, Fang, and the gang are amongst them.

It just goes to show that you need luck sometimes. If Vanille hadn’t been as obsessed with not breaking any of the stuff she helped build, if Fang and Serah hadn’t both been there, or if Lightning hadn’t called Lebreau... there are so many ways this could have gone horribly wrong.

If you’re interested in my thoughts on writing and other topics, you can find those here.

I also write original fiction, which you can find on Amazon here. I’ve recently released two stories, Attempted Adventuring and Surviving Quarantine, as well as two audiobooks, Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Army of Golems, Two Necromancers, a Dragon, and a Vampire, and The Hungry Dragon Cookie Company. If you like humour, action, and adventure, be sure to check them out.

#the vestige #fanfiction #lightning farron #lebreau #oerba yun fang

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askanaroace · 5 years ago

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How do you cope with being lonely when you're aplatonic? I need advice

I feel you, anon. It can get overwhelming sometimes, especially when things are going on in your life and you really need someone to talk to about it.

Here’s some things you can do to connect with others so you can feel less lonely:

- Connect with people you have other types of relationships with. Do you have any family? Qpps? Romantic or sexual partners? Talk with them, hang out with them, etc.

- If you work, next time your coworkers invite people out to dinner or something after work: go. Also, try setting up a dinner yourself and invite folk. If you go to school, see if there’s a study group you can join or put one together.

- Look into your local meetup.com groups. How about any facebook groups? Find a local group and go to some things they do. You can find anything from hiking groups to dinner/coffee shop hangouts to more.

- Join a local gym and take some group classes or look into starting a physical commitment, like a martial arts. (Honestly the most socialization I get is at muay thai. The people and especially the coaches are so friendly, they know my name, they’re comfortable teasing me and me teasing them - I just feel so welcome and at home at the gym, and nobody there really knows anything about my personal life. It’s a great way to be able to connect with people without big pressures of forming long-lasting relationships tbh.)

- What fun local things does your city offer? Paint nites (a lot of the ones in my city have an alcohol focus, but I’ve been to plenty of casual ones)? Cool, cheap nights at museums? What do local art studios offer in the way of classes? Ask around, do some googling - you’re bound to find plenty of options. Commit to trying two new things a month or whatever you have time for. These are often fun group things where you can either casually sit within the company of others or join in more and make conversation with your neighbors.

- What’s something that’s important to you? For example, being queer, being neurodivergent, being disabled, having [x] hobby/passion, etc.? Look up local orgs/clubs for these things and see if they offer seminars/meetings. Go to one and check it out!

- Build an online community. Blogs, social media, forums, discord, steam - there are all sorts of places where you can find and connect with people who have similar interests as you and talk with them. I often find it easier to socialize with people online because I can do it on my own time (and without the effort of going out and meeting up), take breaks as needed, and use whatever medium is least exhausting to me (I tend to prefer forums, for example, because there’s less dm’ing and more time between people’s responses).

Here’s some things you can do to cope with the loneliness:

- Do any of the things suggested in the above list. Sometimes the best way to combat something is to face it head on. You’re lonely? Go be social!

- Journal about your feelings/your day and/or start a blog about it. A lot of the times, we just have the need to say our piece. So say it!

- Look into CBT techniques, (guided) meditation, and grounding techniques. Play around and practice with each of these and find what works for you. These are all staples of mental health and managing emotions. They’re useful tools for anyone, regardless of if you’re tackling a mental illness type of issue or just have something going on in your life that you need some help tackling/getting through.

- Distract yourself? Feeling lonely - okay, do something that occupies your mind and helps you stop thinking about it. Homework, sudoku, learning a new language, practicing coding, writing a story, reading a book, baking. Just do something that isn’t mindless and so won’t let your mind wander. Do something you know will distract you.

- If all else fails, let yourself just wallow for a bit. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be lonely. It’s okay to feel bad. Sometimes we just need to recognize and accept these feelings. Curl up with some chocolate and a sad movie. Take a long bath and read a guilty pleasure book. Let yourself feel your feelings for the day and do some self-care.

Hope this helps, anon! Sorry this took me so long.

#long post #aplatonic #apl #coping #loneliness #relationships #socialization #socializing #connection #ask #op #Anonymous

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