askanaroace

[askanaroace]

How to find the local queer people when there don't appear to be any queer events nearby

are you sure there are no events?

Because they're a lot more common than you think, but you have to look in the right place! The social media algorithm sadly will not feed them to you. You will generally have to go through at least one layer of introduction before you meet folks directly.

Yes, this is a bit of a secret social club. Because many of these people lived through being too public might get you raided by cops or get you dead. They're rightfully cautious. They want to make sure people showing up aren't there to do harm. And the more rural the area, the tougher it will be to find people, but they're definitely THERE and likely having the same thoughts that nobody else is there.

Queer social activities are overwhelmingly run by middle aged folks (who have time, money, skills, and energy to do so) and they tend to use different social media because that's where they originally built communities!

The advice here for hunting down groups assumes you are an adult who can figure out logistics and safety of contacting other adults and getting yourself somewhere safely.

For social media, check Facebook and Meetup. These are most likely to have large local-ish groups putting on events. Join some groups. Many may be private and require approval before you see content. Even if there's not one immediately nearby, join the closest one, whatever "close" is. Even if it's not a perfect fit, they generally know the other even smaller groups nearby and may give you an invite to closer group or even direct contact info for The Local Guy where you text him.

Next up, Instagram. You'll pick up some folks a little younger and more business and pop up events this way. Sometimes you may not see an event until after it happened! Message the person and ask when next one is. Good odds there's a repeat.

Still no luck? Check out specific types of businesses/orgs in your area that tend to have an overlap. Maybe the local bar or coffee shop has a gay night once a month. Check their posts for last month, or if you can filter by date, look specifically in June. If they had one, message and ask about if they have an upcoming one. Even if they don't, they may put you in contact with organizer from past one.

For organizations, check for groups serving HIV+ populations and the neurospicy. Even if you fall into neither category, because of the overlap, there's good odds they offer specific services FOR queer folk. Contact them and they'll know who in the area is putting on events.

Check furry groups. Generally they do most organization via Telegram, which will require an invite. Find the nearest furry convention, check to see if they have a message board. Search for telegram. there's likely one attached to the convention and asking there of "hey, is there a furry telegram group that covers X area?" there will be one. I hope you like bowling, because this is by far the most common non-convention furry event.

(and if your reaction is EW Furries, you need to kill the little Puritan living in your head that hates people having fun doing stuff in a way you think is Cringe. Bowling is not that uncool.)

Still no luck? Now you're going to have to go search for individual queers in the wild! Your best luck is going to be with three other types of groups: 1. SOME Church activities 2. activities that attract the neurospicy (train groups, collecting groups, etc)

3. Tiny specialty groups where everyone is old and its in danger of dying out

If you're really rural sometimes the ONLY group doing any activities is the local church. If they're listed as "open and affirming" that's what you want. Unitarians and Congregationalists are most likely to fit that definition. But you should be able to run web search for that exact phase of "open and affirming church" + "your town" and it'll show you SOMETHING nearby. You may still come up with nothing, but the ones that are doing that tend to be really dedicated, so they will have info about what local groups are friendly to queers, if not open about that. They will also have non-religious activities like knitting or potluck even if you don't want to go to a service.

Neurospicy activities- check your surrounding libraries for activities as well. Even if you're not that brand of spicy, the overlap is high. Find an activity you are reasonably interested in and go meet locals. You'll find out which ones are queer after a few meetings. Often it will turn out everyone is and nobody said anything until one person does. (like our local hackerspace. secret trans hangout)

Endangered skills- do you really want to learn some weird, specialty skill that's dying out? Ask around. call the senior center and have them post a note. Post at the library. stick a thing on a bulletin board at the grocery store. Pick something you are GENUINELY interested in learning like flint knapping, or how to cook a regional dish, local history, how to spin llama wool. Weirder and more endangered the better. Post several! Give them a way to contact you by phone. Unless they are horrendously bigoted up front, you are about to learn a skill and once you disclose "hey I'm gay", you are about to be introduced to every solitary queer in the area that is a friend of a friends' granddaughter's classmate. Often your mentor won't quite GET it, but you're their favorite person now so they're trying. And as you get introduced, suddenly the local flint knapping group is also the queer flint knapping group! and you should post on social media about your cool new activity and SURPRISE, you found them all! Also they now all have cool knives. win-win!

[askanaroace]

People act like there's an explicit line between friendship and romance like This is how Platonic Friends act and if two people act like That they are a Romantic Couple. Buddy I have crossed the line so far that it's actually surprising to me and it's still friendship

[askanaroace]

I never saw people say stuff like this enough when I was a teenager, so I’m saying it now.

I’m in my mid-thirties and I have never had sex. I’ve thought about it and could have had one or two opportunities if I put in more effort, but I always decided against it because I just wasn’t into it at the time.

I can safely say that I do not feel I have missed out on anything. I was perfectly capable, by myself, of learning about my own body and boundaries without anyone else there to muddy the waters. The immense pressure that was there in my teens/twenties to Have Sex Just Do It is basically gone. I’m vibing. I’ve got my routine by myself in bed that I enjoy, and that’s enough for me.

And in the unlikely event that I ever decide to have sex with someone in the future, I don’t feel at all like I’m lacking some essential Knowledge or Skill that would “make it good” for someone else. I fully expect to ask my partner out loud what they like and to receive an answer clearly communicated and to relax and have fun. And if it’s a disappointing experience, I’m fine with that too. It is what it is.

Sex is just not that big of a deal. I suspected it as a teen, and I’m more sure of it now. It’s fine to have it or not have it. It’s whatever.

[askanaroace]

i think a lot of allos really need to learn the difference between "there's no platonic explanation for this" and "there is a platonic explanation for this, but i want them to make out."

[askanaroace]

A freind of mine is struggling with understanding how it might be distasteful or wrong to say his character as 'become aroace' because of a tragic loss of a romantic partner in the past, I was wondering if you could explain it a bit better than I could?

Disclaimer that I'm probably not gonna start this ask off in the way you're looking for, but bear with me.

So, I am personally caedromantic, meaning I did become aromantic due to outside circumstances. I'm also a believer of using labels however helps you. While aros can date and aces can have sex, for many, the connotation of being aro/ace will come with the connotation of not participating in those things, and so people may identify as aspec specifically because they feel it will better communicate their relationship goals at that point in time. I have, in fact, personally encouraged people on this very blog to identify as aromantic or asexual if they don't want a romantic/sexual relationship and ID'ing as aro/ace helps them communicate that more than identifying as something else. I have regularly defined aro and ace as little, rare, or no attraction; attraction only in specific circumstances; and/or general disinterest in romantic/sexual activities and/or relationships. These terms mean a lot of things to a lot of different people, and all of that is valid.

So, I am not specifically against someone identifying as aroace after a tragic loss of a partner. That is 100% a thing that could happen. I will fight to the death for people's right to identify as whatever they want for whatever reason. And grief fucking sucks. It changes people, and it may indeed change someone's orientation.

That said. There's always a way that terms tend to get used that rather bastardize what they represent. Such as people going "oh teehee, I'm so OCD because I like a clean kitchen!" or "ugh, I'm so bipolar because I had a negative reaction to an upsetting situation, why can't I control myself". You know your friend. I don't. I am going to guess that's the kind of situation that you feel is happening here. From here on out, I'm going to address this specifically to your friend to discuss this use of aroace.

Dear anon's friend -

First off, thanks for acknowledging and recognizing aro/ace people! If you're writing aro/ace rep, that's awesome! Tell me more about it. =)

However, I have to wonder how much education you've received about aro/ace people. Have you listened to what aro/ace people have to say on our experiences? Have you sought this out for yourself, something not only important for supporting the aro/ace people now or who could be in your life in your future, but also incredibly important if you want to represent us?

I have recently taken the stance of: I don't super care if people write "bad" rep! Our problem isn't really good versus bad rep. It's lack of choices! There's tons of "bad rep" out there for perisex cishet white characters. It's balanced out by the choices they have. No rep is going to ring for every person of that identity, nor does it have to. I don't think it's possible for you, even if you identified as aroace, to accurately and deeply represent every aspect of the aroace experience simply because there is not one cohesive aroace experience that exists to represent.

But! That doesn't mean I think you should disregard all care and sensitivity for your representation. You should do a basic amount of research in learning about the thing you're trying to write about. That is simply a part of the writing process. And honestly, it's good for us as people! It's not only an important life skill that will be beneficial in multiple aspects of our lives, but you will also learn things and expand your perspective! And that's something we all constantly need to be challenged with. We are not the only person that exists. Our experience isn't the only one that exists. Other people exist, and they deserve our care.

So, to get more specifically to the representation here... Whether you are personally queer or not, we need to start with the fact that being aro/ace is to be queer. It is to be other. It is to be unaccepted on the outskirts of society. It is scary to choose. Whether you are personally queer or not, you can understand the depths of choosing to identify as queer, right? If you are queer, you probably have firsthand experience with a lot of denial and shame around not being who you're expected to be and not conforming to how you're going to be expected to act. This was likely solidified not only by media around you (that you either never saw yourself in or only ever saw yourself being represented as the villain), but by the people around you. The people around you who may have used slurs, who may have said derogatory and mean things about people who didn't fit in. The people around you who may have meant well but still made it clear that queer people, while to be tolerated, were not genuinely accepted or respected. The people around you who seemed accepting, but even then, only if you were a certain type of queer - otherwise, you were somehow the reason that queer people had to fight for respect and rights. The people around you who were accepting and faced near constant pushback and microaggressions for their openness. And if you are not queer, then certainly, you have a gut reaction to the idea of suddenly calling yourself queer, yes? And I am not judging you for that or saying it is bad! I just explained how queer people have to work through that same exact feeling, except turning our backs on doing that work only hurts us more than if you decide to walk away from confronting that feeling.

Have you taken into account that when your character calls themself aroace after this, they are deliberately choosing to walk into a life of marginalization and not just by association or inaction, but by openly aligning themselves as Other, as Not Normal, as Somehow Inexplicably Wrong? Maybe your character started off as queer! I don't know! But not all queer people have the same experience, and coming out as a more visible identity is loads different than coming out as an unknown and invisible identity. It involves a lot of questions and some of them will be reasonable (but still exhausting to receive every. single. time. you come out) but many of them will be invasive and inappropriate. It involves people no longer thinking you have a right to privacy. Suddenly, everything is open game for them, including questioning your genitals and sex life and your childhood and your trauma. It may involve people just straight up not listening to you at all since they don't know what your identity means and deciding "that's not a thing, they're just straight".

Is your character prepared to face both their grief and their loss of privacy and respect? Especially as someone who is identifying as aromantic due to outside clauses (which, if you didn't read the intro, I have personal experience with!), people are not going to accept that you're aroace. Your character is going to get a lot of flak for needing mental health help. People are going to say they're in denial. People are going to use them to invalidate every single other aromantic and asexual there is. Is your character prepared to live with their grief, deal with their new loss of privacy and respect, and learn how to advocate for the aspec communities as well as their own personal reasons for identifying as aroace? Because if that's how they feel, they 100% have a right to identify as aroace. I am aromantic due to trauma, and that is 100% valid. The aro community has never made me feel ashamed about that. But I have legitimately never identified that way out loud because I know how other people will take it, and I don't know if I can bear the responsibility of saying "yes, I am traumatized, but yes I am happier as an aromantic than I ever was allo, but not all aros are aro due to trauma, and all of us are valid". Because, honestly, a lot of people don't want to have conversations with that kind of nuance.

Your character can ID as aroace. But. Are they ready for that? People aren't going to accept that, especially if they know your character's history. They're not going to respect it. They're going to suddenly forget your character is a grieving human being and start treating your character like a problem to be solved. And regardless of if you feel like you're a broken person who needs fixing - that's never a comforting way to be treated by others. It's demeaning, demoralizing, patronizing, and condescending. It's infantalizing. It's enraging.

Is your character ready to face the new struggles that being openly aroace are going to open them to? Because a lot of us take years, if ever, to come to that point. We get to that point because it hurts not to get to be yourself. But god is it terrifying. Knowing you could lose family. Friends. Reputation. Relationships. Opportunity. There is a lot to be gained by coming out, but there's also a hell of a lot to lose that most of us have to actively grieve before we can open up and come out.

Is your character prepared for that? Are they in a place to deal with what coming out is going to mean for how they are seen in treated? Because honestly, coming out of a capital-T Trauma, I stayed closeted for another seven years or so because trying to work through that and facing trying to be authentic and vulnerable with other people was damn hard and scary work.

Is your character identifying as aroace in a reactionary way? Or are they identifying as aroace because they find that comforting and safe, even in the face of all the casual bigotry it opens them up to?

Identifying as aroace isn't simple. It's just words in the way that your story is just words.

They're just words that you mean to evoke emotion, to draw people in and make them feel something. Having your character come out as aroace impacts the story. Not just because they're hurting after this tragedy, but because this is an alteration of your character's perspective and maybe even of their entire worldview. Is that something you are exploring or is it something you've thrown at the audience and refused to deal with? This has likely changed your character's entire future plans. Possibly their financial stability. Are these impacts you're being honest about in your story? Are you exploring what aroace means to your character or are you using it because you're telling and not showing that "my character's grief is so heavy they're swearing off relationships to protect themself"?

Just like casually calling yourself OCD for cleaning your room or ADHD for getting distracted in the middle of a task, you need to look at: are you minimizing what aromantic and asexual means in this society? If you go through my blog, you'll see dozens upon dozens of times where I tell people "identity labels are just communication tools; break them and bend them and use them to suit your needs - don't bend and break yourself to conform to some rigid definition". But it's just like being able to break the rules of writing/grammar after you know them. If you break them without knowing them, then you're not doing it with purpose. You're just writing poorly. But once you understand the rules, you can break them with purpose to communicate in greater depth with your audience. First, you must understand the basic meaning and history of our terms to understand how to conform the terms around your needs. You must understand your own feelings (or your character's) and what it is you want to communicate with others, knowing that you're only ever communicating a basic idea to them.

Have you done this work? Have you read any of our literature? Are you using aroace because you think it's easier OR because you understand the depth of that choice and believe it adds more to your story? Because being aroace isn't easier. It's like a woman telling a man she's a lesbian to try and get him to stop hitting on her, when that's most likely going to accomplish him fetishing and sexualizing her in a different way instead of suddenly respecting her.

Aspecs deserve more than being a convenience in your story. While what you are writing is fiction, my life is not fiction. I am real. I exist. And being aroace means something to me. And a lot of what it means is that I'm generally misunderstood by everyone I'm surrounded with on a daily basis, and while I'm happy with my identity, many people think it's their business to tell me why I shouldn't be.

If you want to write a character with a complicated, messy, or even "offensive" aspec identity, that's AWESOME. But I just want to check: are you writing a character with a complicated identity? Or are you using that as a placeholder because you don't know how else to describe your character's heartbreak and loss to the audience? Because if it's the second, not only do aspecs deserve better - so does your audience. If you want to write your character as someone who becomes aroace due to tragedy, then do it! But dig into that and have it impact your character, the perspective, and the story overall.

Your friend submitted this so I could talk to you, but if you have any questions or want to interact based on this response at all, please do! I'm very open to dialogue. I am asking you genuine questions here because that's how we get to understand each other. I would love to hear from you if you're interested.

[askanaroace]

Beyond the aro and ace character database

Claudie Arseneault’s aro and ace character database is one of my favourite things on the internet, but since it hasn’t been updated for a while I thought I’d share my list of aspec characters from more recent books that aren’t on there. I’ve done my best to compile all the lists I could find. Although I am not ace and this really only an aro blog, I’ve included ace characters as well, because it’s hard to find lists that separate these. (And it may help those looking specifically for aro rep to know which of these may have ace rep and not aro rep.)

This isn’t a rec list; I’ve only read a few of these. This means I’m not sure all my information is correct, some books were really hard to find info on! (Please let me know if anything is incorrect, or if there’s anything you think I should add!)

I’ve also included upcoming releases, because why not? 

I’m sure I’ve missed stuff, I might update this at some point.

(List under the cut)

Keep reading

[askanaroace]

some people on here need a gentle reminder that arospecs ARE aromantic. thats the point of the aromantic spectrum. that being aromantic.. is a spectrum. ive had demiromantic people ask me if they can call themselves aromantic. YES OF COURSE YOU CAN YOU ARE AROMANTIC. im sure some people choose to identify more as arospec than aromantic and thats fine, but in general, arospecs ARE aromantic, by virtue of being on the aromantic spectrum. like aromanticism is defined as little to none romantic attraction. the ‘little’ part of that is there for a reason.

[askanaroace]

an aspec lesbian love story

Doughnuts Under a Crescent Moon by Shio Usui

i recently read this series and decided i wanted to recommend it to y'all. i can't confirm if the intention was to make these characters explicitly aspec, but people in the reviews have definitely read it that way, and i agree with them.

both characters of the main relationship express feelings and thoughts about romance and romantic relationships that definitely vibe with me on an ace and aro level.

the main thing that stuck out to me, though, is that the main character is largely repulsed by standard physical gestures of romance (and it's implied sex, as well). i spent the story quietly dreading and resigned to the fact that this would be "overcome" through True Love, with the romance culminating in her realizing that she likes kissing her love interest.

and that didn't happen! instead, she accepts this aspect of herself and asserts her boundaries to her love interest, who confesses she wants it that way as well! the character's repulsion was respected and sex was not treated as a necessary maturation of their relationship. and that was a delightfully refreshing conclusion to me.

~Mod Q

[askanaroace]

Neither enemies to lovers nor slow burn but a secret third thing called Schrödinger's intimacy. We are in love and we are not in love do NOT open that lid I swear to God.

[askanaroace]

aro culture is listening to Death Wish by Lyn Lapid

[askanaroace]

anyone have anything on alterous/queerplatonic heartbreak (experiences, art, stories, anything) i’m tryna get thru something and would like to feel connected w others who understand and have gone thru the same thing (real or fictional)

[askanaroace]

“what if kids identify with something and it ends up just being a phase-?” good. stop teaching and expecting kids (and adults honestly) to formulate permanent traits and ideas of themselves. everything in life is a phase. that doesn’t make it any less legitimate while you experience it. let people explore themselves and know it’s okay if what you think about yourself changes.

[askanaroace]

New Essay

An "Alloace" Dilemma

A long deep dive into why I don't claim this label, my attempt at an alloace framework and an overdue discussion of how romance actually interacts with asexuality.

[askanaroace]

“Do it scared” “do it badly” it’s time to drop the guide for do it alone

[askanaroace]

I left a comment, but I'll also reblog this here to boost. I use "solo" myself, as I feel it communicates that I'm "single" but that I'm comfortable with that and not seeking to change that. What do you all use?

Hi, i always feel uncomfortable with the word/saying “i’m single”. To me “single” or “not in a relationship” implies there is a opposite ie “partnered” and that somewhen in the future i’ll be “not single”. Has the ace community got a word for that. Like i’m not “single” because i’ll never be “not single” i’m just me on my own for ever.

Sorry of this is confusing.

you are definitely not the first person to bring this up. i remember years ago there was post talking about how aspec people didn't have a word for being single but not interested in dating, and likewise polyamory people didn't have a word for being taken but still interested in finding partners. i believe the closest we got to a solution was this graph someone added to the post

(a recreation)

if anyone knows that words HAVE been coined for this, please let me know. if not, feel free to be the one to step up to the plate and rescue us from this dilemma once and for all

~Mod Q

[askanaroace]

I know i'm a loveless apl. But I'm also an extrovert who likes doing so many friend-group activities.

I may not miss my "friends" that much nor have a devoted care as much as an average person who cherished friendships either.

But I like taking photos with people. I like selfies and photobooths. And I like framing/sticking them onto my wall whether I know them well or not. And often I glance at the pictures of me with these different people. And I get happy. I like seeing myself amongst people.

I don't need 'close' friendships or any platonormativite expectations around friendships. I don't need to love them in such a way.

I just like being around people.

[askanaroace]

"why can't they just be friends" not in the homophobic way but in the "their platonic relationship in the source material is far more dynamic and complex than the sanitized personalities they gain as a result of shipping" way