#mac writes

[fyonahmacnally]

Will You Still?

“You fucking lied to me, Kara! For years, you looked me right in the eyes and betrayed me. You hurt me in ways no one ever has.” Lena screams, tears streaming down her face as the prominent vein on her forehead pulses in time with her shattered heart. “You’ve broken my heart into a million pieces. Worst of all, you and your little group of friends ruined any chance of me ever trusting another person again.” She pauses next to the pristine marble countertop in her kitchen, spinning the now mostly empty tumbler as she watches the last dregs of scotch dance at the bottom. 

Stormy malachite eyes glare at the blonde Kryptonian standing across the island, the silence is claustrophobic and palpable. She scoffs as she picks up the glass and throws it at the woman she currently hates as much as she loves. Lena knows Kara’s reflexes are fast enough to catch the flying weapon before it impacts, she knows it won’t hurt the woman. Nothing happens. Kara just stands there letting it hit her in the face. The action briefly shocks her before she rolls her eyes and leans back against the counter behind her. A look of utter disgust and contempt on her face. 

“Of course you just fucking stand there. For a superhero, you’re quite the spineless coward, Supergirl.” She spits the words at the woman with enough venom that it feels physical. Internally she smirks as she watches the blonde flinch when her words land. Just to twist the knife a little further, she leans forward, narrowing her eyes before saying, “You can leave the way you came in and don’t come back. I don’t want to see or hear from you again. Ever. You can disappear and I won’t fucking care. Fuck off, Kara.”

Kara’s head shoots up, her eyes filled with tears and remorse, her face draped in agony. There’s an anguish Lena has never seen before settling into the frame of the stoic woman. The despondent blonde opens and closes her mouth several times before her shoulders drop and she nods in reluctant acquiescence. “If that’s what you want, I’ll honor your wishes, Lena. I’m sorry for hurting you and for being a coward. You deserved so much better and I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting it.” She uses her super speed to quickly clean up the shattered glass and pauses at the balcony door, turning back for one final look at the one person who’s always been her home. “I hope you find the love you deserve, Lena.”

Without another word, she’s gone. Lena collapses onto the tile floor in her kitchen. Her sobs reverberate in the silence of her penthouse, punctuating how truly empty her world really is now. Her life is completely destroyed and her world turned upside down by four words spoken from her dying brother’s lips…‘Kara Danvers is Supergirl’. 

Four words irrevocably changed her life forever. 

“You should take a break. Go home and shower, get a few hours of sleep. Eat something. You know she’s not going anywhere.” The familiar voice breaks her out of the flashback. She has replayed the last words she spoke to Kara so many times now, replayed all the horrible and cruel things she can never take back. The regret she feels for everything is immeasurable and haunts her dreams whenever she does sleep. Her stomach churns and her guts twist as her eyes scan the unmoving blonde before settling on the concerned woman standing in the doorway.

Lena sighs. Her fingers massage the bridge of her nose and then the back of her shoulder before she responds. “I can’t, Alex. I don’t want her to be alone. She…I just…” Her voice cracks and she drops her head into her hands as she silently sobs. The guilt curdles in her stomach and what’s left of her heart swims up her throat. The horrible things she said can’t be the last things spoken between them. She won’t survive losing Kara regardless, but the fact Kara doesn’t know how she really feels or why their fallout broke her so badly? The fact the last thing she said to the alien was “fuck off” – the utter devastation on her best friend’s face afterward, there’s no coming back from that. 

Alex pushes off the doorframe. She walks over to stand next to Lena’s chair and places what she hopes is a comforting hand on her shoulder. The dark haired genius has kept vigil beside the heroine’s comatose figure for ten days. Initially, Alex was unsure if she should contact Lena, but when Kara hadn’t woken up after three weeks and showed no signs of improvement, she knew she had to reach out. As much animosity as there is between them, she knows they both still care. 

It’s been almost a year since their falling out, ten months almost to the day. Lex’s malicious identity reveal turned their whole world upside down. When Kara showed up at Alex’s apartment in hysterics after they spoke, she wasn’t sure what happened. After the hero calmed down a little, she told her Lena didn’t take things very well. It wasn’t shocking to Alex nor was it surprising when the youngest Luthor broke ties with everyone else in their group as well. Alex feels some responsibility for the state of things between her sister and the scientist. Especially since she also considered Lena a friend, but at the time, there was no getting through to the brilliant, yet stubborn woman. 

Everything changed after their falling out, or as Alex often refers to it, their breakup. She’s known for a long time that Kara has feelings for the CEO, whether she admits it or not, it’s obvious to the agent. And, she suspects Lena feels the same way about her sister, but both are too chicken shit to do anything about it. Now she isn’t sure if either of them will ever get the chance and she’s sure it’s also on the young Luthor’s mind. Kara’s been unconscious with no improvements for a month now. At this point, they’ve tried everything she can think of to bring the alien back.

Alex clears her throat and squeezes Lena’s shoulder. “Come on, Lena. Take a break. You’ve been here for almost two weeks without leaving. Go home and shower, sleep. Please eat something.” Brown eyes scan the gaunt, pale features of her former friend. She looks even worse now than when she first showed up and that’s saying a lot. When Lena made her appearance at the DEO nearly two weeks ago, she was noticeably thinner with black circles under her eyes. Now, she looks ill. “I know you haven’t been sleeping or eating well. She’ll be pissed if she finds out you aren’t taking care of yourself.”

They both release a pitiful chuckle that sounds more like an emotional whimper than any semblance of laughter. Another wrenching sob fights its way out of Lena's chest before she can stop it. Her entire body quakes with the sheer force of it. Raw emotion propels her forward until her chest and head rest against the rail of the bed containing the embodiment of her heart. 

“I c-can’t…l-ose h-her, A-Alex.” She sobs between barely comprehensible words. “Sh-she d-doesn’t…I n-need to f-fix it. P-please. K-Kara. P-please don’t leave me.” Breathless sobs turn into deep, retching wails of unexpressed grief that has built up over the past year.

“Hey. Shhh. She still loves you, Lena. She never stopped.” Alex says as she wraps her arms around her sobbing friend (ex-friend?). Stubborn tears sting the redhead’s eyes as she thinks about how much Kara still spoke about the CEO. “My sister never stopped talking about you and she still kept an eye on you to make sure you were safe, Lena.”

Her words seem to make things worse for the dark haired genius. Lena’s body wracks harder with heart-wrenching sobs and she practically collapses into Alex’s arms. The redhead just holds the smaller woman and rocks them both gently, unsure what else to do. 

Although they were once pretty decent friends, she hasn’t seen or spoken to Lena in the ten months since her falling out with Kara and the rest of the superfriends. Sure, they’ve run into one another occasionally since they still frequent some of the same places, but Lena usually just glares and doesn’t acknowledge her. She’s a government agent and the patented Luthor glare even scares her a little.

The sobs finally subside, but Lena doesn’t make any move to extract herself from Alex’s embrace. The redhead continues to gently run small circles on Lena’s back, still unsure what to say. She wants to provide comfort and help the younger woman in any way she can, but knowing what to say in situations like this isn’t her forte. It’s Lena who finally breaks the silence.

“I’m so-sorry, Alex.” Lena stammers, barely audible. “I, um, d-didn’t…” She clears her throat in a desperate attempt to get rid of the lump that seems to be living there. “I apologize for my outburst. You have enough going on without me emotionally dumping on you.”

Alex barely restrains herself from rolling her eyes, but can’t keep the defeated sigh from escaping her lungs. “Lena, please don’t apologize. We’re friends, or at least we used to be. Either way, I care about you.” She runs her hand down her face exhaustedly. “Look, I know we have some shit to sort because of the identity reveal, but you’re one of us. Part of our little eclectic family. Don’t apologize for feeling, Lena. It’s what makes us human.”

Lena steps away from Alex and turns to look at the still unmoving blonde. “It’s funny, Kara is an alien yet she’s the most human of us all. I think she taught me more about being human in the years of our friendship than anything or anyone ever has.” She sniffles, wiping her face as her eyes trace the still features of the hero in front of her.

With a soft smile and light chuckle, Alex responds, “Yeah, she’s an alien, but has always had more humanity than anyone I know. Goddess knows, she’s saved my humanity more times than I can count.” A few tears escape her eyes before she pats Lena on the back and steps away.

“Come on. I’m taking you to dinner and then to your apartment for some sleep and a shower.” The redhead says before grabbing the CEO’s coat and purse. “No arguments, Luthor. I’m hungry and could use the company. Let’s go.”

Knowing any protest is futile, she relents. Leaning over the rail on the bed, she places a soft kiss on Kara’s cheek. “Please come back to me, Darling. I can’t lose you, not like this. The past ten months have been the worst of my life. Please, Kara. I won’t survive.”

The women pause at the door, eyes fixed on the eerily still superhero. Both of them take a deep breath before making their way down the hallway and into the parking garage. As much as Lena wants to be in that room with Kara, she knows Alex is right. She needs to eat and rest. A little sleep and a change of clothes then maybe she can get to work with Alex and figure out why Supergirl won’t wake up. 

After the two women eat dinner, they talk through the things the DEO has already tried, going over what went wrong and other theories about what to do next. They end up spending almost two hours talking, it’s strictly about Kara and how to fix things. Lena has no desire to dive into the emotions and betrayal of what happened nearly a year ago. There will be time for that later, if she decides she wants to fix things.

It isn’t something she has given a lot of thought to before Alex called about Kara. Being thrust into this situation and into close proximity to one of the very people who lied to her for years wasn’t on her bingo card, but here she is. Lena’s life has never been easy or ordinary so she’s not sure why she expects anything different now. Life on hard mode is apparently the Luthor way. For smart folks, the Luthors sure make some really stupid choices.  

Her thoughts are halted when something touches her. Apparently Alex reached across the table while she was lost in her head. The touch to her forearm jolts her back to the present and the conversation she is supposed to be party to. Evidently she missed something the agent said. “I’m sorry, Alex. What did you say?”

”I said I think we might need to revisit some of the things we’ve already tried. Now that you’re around, you may see something we missed. You have a better mind for this type of thing.” The redhead sighs, her now empty plate pushed to the side. “I’m really scared, Lena. You know I won’t give up until we get Kara back, but I’m genuinely scared. It’s never taken this long to wake her up from something. It’s killing me that we can’t figure this out.”

The look of utter devastation and terror on Alex’s face hits Lena hard. She’s never seen the stoic woman look so beaten down and childlike. It’s unnerving and makes her own fears start creeping up her spine again. “I’m scared too, Alex. I’ve been sick, physically ill since you called me. The last words I said to your sister were so cruel. Knowing how badly I hurt her with what I said, it’s killing me. She has to wake up, we have to get her back. She can’t leave, not like this. Especially not with what I said to her, Alex. She can’t.”

They both stare at the table between them. Each lost in their own thoughts on how to get the hero to wake up from the coma. She’s been like this for a little over a month now. The fact Alex is so scared increases her own worry tenfold. Alex Danvers has always been the last one to lose hope when it comes to her sister. Seeing her fear, this is new territory and Lena isn’t sure what to do or how to navigate it. 

The silence drags on for a while, neither of them seeming to notice or want to break it. It isn’t until the server stops by their table to ask if they need anything else that either of them realize they were lost in their own heads again. The server politely looks at them awaiting an answer before Lena finally speaks.

“Oh, no thanks. We’re good. I believe we are ready for the check.” The CEO kindly smiles at the young man before he nods and walks away. “I definitely need sleep, I feel like I have spent more time inside my own head during dinner than in our actual conversation. Sorry about that.” They both laugh and shrug.

“No reason to apologize about it. Honestly, I’ve been doing the same. We’ve both been burning the candle at both ends. I think a little time away from the DEO is warranted.” Alex gives her a half-smile and a half-shrug. “My heart and soul need some time with Kelly, too. It feels like I’ve been neglecting her. She understands, she always does, but I think I need it.”

Lena nods, her mind drifting into memories of being at her apartment with Kara before shaking herself out of it and back to Alex. “For sure, spend some time with Kelly. We can regroup in a few days.” 

The server reappears with their check, Lena signing the receipt before they both grab their things and go their separate ways. Alex heads home to Kelly and Lena back to her penthouse alone. Such as her life has been without Kara. Empty and alone. 

Read the rest here. The first 6 chapters are up, the remaining chapters will be posted as I finish editing. Hope you enjoy!

[sirmacintosh]

I can't find my laptop charger I kinda want to longingly stare at a Google doc instead of writing asoiaf fanfiction

[campgender]

image description: two screenshots of a text document. dated january 21st 2025:

i feel beyond articulation. too disabled to Dom, crip-switch, long distance what even. voice of God with tic & tremor. i feel insecure in a way that rattles, that sh-sh-shakes instrumental off the side of my bed, rolls & pools like some fabled femme's long-lost yarn, Deus ex feminized labor. my insecure is stretching its calves. too Stone for the flex of rope: i wouldn't touch them like this book says even if they were within reach.

remember Rogue at 16? remember how far we feared this, & right back around? i'm the one who needs gloves, goddamn it, armor to the wrist. even if i held them it wouldn't be human contact.

what would it take to convince our subculture that distance isn't a dream? distance isn't a thought experiment. distance doesn't diminish control in every context.

dated january 27th 2025:

fuck it: i scavenge sub playlists for my Domspace music. i glue on pale pink nails & buy more hairbows. i bottom, i bottom, i bottom. i outmaneuver: pervert hermit, too far removed for their standards to find purchase, out of reach of their roles.

oh but i feel like static & he says artful. finds the smooth in my staccato. it's true, i'm unfazed in adaptation; my goal is to be prepared for a no in any moment. i know i'm playing a different game than she was, all off-ramps & technical manuals, but it's hard to see the miracle of engineering from this angle. mostly i just worry about being boring.

end image description.

[crippleprophet]

hi this is kind of random but was your disability fic collection at any point called some variation of "letters from prometheus to the eagle"? that collection was my introduction to crip theory and now im trying to figure out if it was yours.

omg tysm for reaching out, yes that was mine!! i still have that collection just under a different name:

i really love hearing from people that they’ve learned something about disability theory from my fics it makes me so happy!! thank you for this message <33

[daredevil-vagabond]

Please go read "Who died aboard the S.S. Burya?" on Ao3 by @onceandfloral-writing @lesbiandatekaname

[chrliekclly]

yea is that stupid enough for ya?

[smart-macademia]

anyone else trying to finish as many books as they can before the new year?

[fyonahmacnally]

Their eyes meet across the tower. They’re surrounded by the ragtag family they’ve built over the years, but their eyes are firmly fixed on each other. They weren’t exactly on speaking terms when Kara was sent to the Phantom Zone. Working together, sure, but friends again? Not even close. Most days, Lena felt like she was mostly tolerated. 

There are so many words left unsaid, so many things unresolved. Now that Kara’s back, Lena isn’t sure what to say or do. She’s served her purpose, she brought the hero back. Her presence here is no longer needed and likely no longer wanted. Kara needs to spend time with her family, get to know her father again. 

Lena should go. She doesn’t belong here. Did she ever? She should definitely go.

Veridian eyes are the first to look away. Seeing the disappointment that is probably swimming in ocean blue isn’t something she can handle at the moment. She waits until the others swarm the superhero before she quietly gathers her things and makes her exit. Getting Kara back is what she promised Alex and she’s fulfilled it. It’s time for her to figure out what her future looks like. She’s on her own, starting over again. 

But first, she needs to grieve. Lena’s lost everything. Again. Kara’s betrayal broke her in a way nothing or no one ever has. She’s lost the only person that ever actually believed in her. Yet again, she is mourning someone that is still alive. First Lex, then Andrea, and now Kara. Sure, she played a role in the rift with Kara, but any time she lets her guard down, someone rips her heart out. 

As she enters the cab, she thanks her past self for removing all of her things from Kara’s apartment before the rescue mission. Getting a hotel room was a good idea. At least she doesn’t have to see the inside of the apartment again, doesn’t have to face those otherworldly blue eyes in the only place that ever felt like home. 

She can grieve in peace. Eventually she will find her own place again. At this point, she’s not even sure she’s staying in National City. What’s the point? There’s nothing here for her anymore. She’s got more money than she will ever spend, maybe she’ll head to Ireland. Back to the place her mother’s memories live. 

The beep of the door unlocking startles her from her thoughts. The lifeless, sterile room matches the way her soul currently feels. Empty and achingly lonely. Now she needs to find something to numb the ache in her chest. Her legs automatically take her to the dining table in her suite. Her past self made sure to stock up on her preferred poison, Macallan double cask single malt scotch – a tried and true method of numbing what ails her.

Her current emotional state causes her to bypass the tumbler in favor of drinking directly from the bottle. Not that it matters, there’s no one to care anyway. She opens the bottle and makes her way onto the balcony. Kara won’t be flying around anytime soon, it will be at least a few hours before she has her powers back fully so she feels safe sitting outside. 

Besides, as soon as she is a few drinks in, she’ll activate the lead shield she created. Then her favorite Kryptonian won’t be able to hear her heartbeat. It’ll be better for both of them. Kara deserves better than she will ever be and she’s pretty sure the hero doesn’t want anything to do with Lena anymore. She releases a humorless laugh before taking a swig from the bottle. Swallowing and feeling the burn promptly turns into body wracking sobs. 

She ends up sitting on the balcony for longer than anticipated. Between sobs, she manages to drink about half of the bottle of scotch. Pushing herself up from the chair, she stumbles her way inside to activate the shield. At least now she can drown her sorrow without the risk of the woman she loves more than life finding her in such a chaotic, sad state.

The next two days pass in a blur. She manages to eat just enough to sustain her mostly liquid diet. A pretty steady drunkenness propels her into a numbness that prevents the stark emptiness from being front and center. Unfortunately, it does nothing to quell the loneliness and grief. Every inch of her body is engulfed with loss. No matter how much she tries, the love she feels for Kara remains threaded into every fiber of her being. So she drinks more.

When the third day rolls around, her luck runs out. She knew it wouldn’t be long before Kara figured out where she was. It’s not hard when her suite is the only one in the city with a lead shield. As she anticipated, around noon on the third day a tentative knock sounds on her door. First she ignores it, just like she has her phone. All of them have tried to call and text. Unfortunately, she can’t ignore the now insistent knock on her door. Still, she tries.

A tired voice penetrates the threshold between them. “Lena, please open the door. Please.” Kara’s weary words drift into the silence around her. “I’m not going to leave until I see you. I need to, Lena. Please.”  

The last word cracks with emotion and breaks what little resolve the youngest Luthor has. She staggers to the door, engaging the sing bar lock to crack the door enough for Kara to see her. “T-There. Nowsh’you see’shmme.” Lena slurs, leaning against the door to hold herself up. 

The hero’s shoulders slump and the already welling tears cascade down her face. A shaky whisper of “Lena” escapes her lips before she reaches her hand out as if to touch the porcelain skin peeking around the barely open door. “Please let me in. I’ll sit out here in the hallway until you do. I’m not going away, Lena.”

The sound that escapes her throat is something between a groan and a resigned laugh. She is weak to the woman standing in the hallway, always has been. Closing the door and disengaging the swing lock, she reopens it before staggering back to her third bottle of scotch. With the bottle in hand, she plops herself onto the couch without looking at the hero.

Kara just stands at the edge of the room watching the raven haired genius swallow the last dregs of what appears to be her final bottle of scotch. She’s never seen the woman in such a state. In the five years of their friendship, she’s seen Lena tipsy and even drunk, but never like this. Her usually stoic facade is nowhere in sight. Kara has never seen her this disheveled and out of sorts. Immediately, her stomach drops and she feels some sense of responsibility for it. 

Their friendship wasn’t anywhere near mended before her unplanned trip to the Phantom Zone. It was a tentative truce at best. Her time with the phantoms was riddled with “what ifs” and “should haves” related to her relationship with Lena. Seeing the state of her best friend (ex-best friend?) now makes her want to vomit. The fact she felt the need to run from the tower after their shared moment of eye contact twists the proverbial knife in her heart. 

Kara’s selfish behavior and lies ruined everything they built. After Lena told her countless times she’d been betrayed and lied to by the people she loved most, Kara continued to keep her secret. How is she ever going to get back into her good graces? 

Here she is standing at the edge of the room while the woman she loves drinks herself into oblivion. Standing and staring, saying nothing. In truth, she has no idea what to say. How do you tell the person that means the most to you that you didn’t mean to break their heart when deep down you knew it would happen? She has no words. She’s paralyzed by the possibility of losing Lena for good. So, she watches as the most beautiful woman she’s ever seen fades into unconsciousness. 

Saying nothing. 

Lena wakes up at noon the following day, head throbbing and stomach roiling. She’s confused because she distinctly remembers being on the couch, but she’s in bed with the curtains drawn. Her eyes squint at the glass of water and ibuprofen sitting on the bedside table. That’s when she realizes what she thought was a dream must have been real. Kara was here. A sigh escapes her lungs and she rolls over to push herself up. Sitting on the side of the bed, she gingerly grabs the glass of water and pills to swallow them down. Of course Kara would take care of her. 

Forcing herself to sit still for a minute, she listens for any sign of the blonde in the suite. When she doesn’t hear anything, she grabs a change of clothes and heads to the bathroom. Thankfully, the cool shower tempers the hangover a bit. As she opens the door to the bathroom, she is greeted by Kara sitting at the table surrounded by food. The sight stops her in her tracks. She didn’t expect the Kryptonian to still be here, much less sitting at the table waiting with food. 

They make brief eye contact before Lena moves again. Neither of them say anything, the silence filling the space with their internal shame. Each harboring guilt and blame for the current situation. She makes it a point to sit at the opposite end of the table from Kara, knowing she can’t share close quarters with her without shattering. Not right now, maybe not ever. The meal is spent in a deafening quietude that makes them both squirm, but neither is willing to speak.

Or maybe they just don’t know what to say. Is it too late to salvage what they had? Can they wash away the mistakes and talk about how they feel? The doubt swims across the air between them like sharks circling an injured seal. How can they possibly rebuild their relationship on such damaged ground? They’re both frozen in place, paralyzed with fear and indecision. 

Lena finishes what little she manages to eat, grabs her sunglasses, a bottle of water, and steps out onto the balcony. She spent three days trying to wash away her mistakes, erase her pain, and all she did was make herself feel worse. Now she can feel every pulse of heartache, every ounce of remorse and guilt. She’s no closer to knowing what to do than she was before. There’s a part of her that wishes she wouldn’t have survived the phantoms. Maybe that would have been easier than whatever this is.

Her whole body stiffens when she hears the balcony door open and close. The presence of the hero appears in her periphery. Close enough to see, but far enough away they don’t run the risk of an accidental touch. Kara is close enough to pull her into a hug, but she won’t. She can’t. 

They both stand there, saying nothing. 

Lena chances a glance to her right and immediately regrets her decision. There is a deep, profound sadness in the blue eyes that meet hers. Glittering tears flow down unusually pale cheeks and it further guts her. They’ve both spent so much time bottling up their feelings to save themselves from pain only to cut their own throats with the knife of their lies. 

Here they are, two women who spent most of their lives trying to please others by hiding behind walls and facades. Now they're broken and damaged standing in front of each other afraid to speak. They need to talk, to tell each other how they feel, expel their pain, but they stand there and say nothing. Lost in the stare of regret.

Neither of them are sure which one of them moves, but they drift together, inches apart. Stormy blue eyes are focused on churning sea green. There is a question asked in their intense gaze, each seeking permission to pull the other close. With silent permission granted, they bridge the divide and wrap their arms around the other. It’s a step, toward what, who knows, but it’s a step.

Lena stands there. 

Kara stands there.

For now, that’s all they need. Arms wrapped around their world.

To simply say nothing.

[cubbyhole-for-flea-bee]

Once the theatre monkey discovers angsty broadway musicals its all over y'all

or: I got a new personal project I'm workin' on! I'm at the first pass on the animatic rn! I forgot that 'generate matte' is a thing you can do in SB Pro for a whole hour!! I'm suffering!!!

[hajihiko]

Multilingual 🌍

Fuyuhiko: its beneficial to understand when rivals are talking in secret

Sonia: diplomacy is easier when you speak their language too

Hajime: duolingo library forced speedrun

Akane: worked in customer service

Kazuichi is just more of a Language of Numbera guy 😋

[campgender]

continuing my high femme sophie devereaux agenda (link) 💖

[crippleprophet]

Hi! I've written a disability-centric fanfiction that took some inspiration from your poem that begins with "Jesus fuck I want my mouth on that scar" (a long-time favorite of mine!), including borrowing your phrasing almost word-for-word in one sentence, and I was wondering what your feelings would be on me publishing it on AO3 (with proper credit, of course). I hadn't intended to share it anywhere when I was writing it, I would have asked permission beforehand if I had, but it ended up being the first piece of fiction I finished and liked in a while and I wanted to share it. Let me know if you're comfortable with that or if you would rather I didn't!

link to the poem

omg thank you so much, i would be honored!! i’m prettydizzeed on ao3 (link) if you’d like to link to that as well as my tumblr. if you’re comfortable sending me the link i’d love to check it out!!

[sophsun1]

Fleetwood Mac | Landslide

[ricketycr1cks]

And if I say Mac grew up equating love to cigarette burns and absent fathers and getting told to toughen up, that Mac doesn’t understand love that isn’t conditional, love without equal parts hate or distaste, that never in his life has Mac understood earnest love, that even though Dennis isn’t trying to, he often ends up re-confirming this idea in Macs head, that love is hatred, that-

[smart-macademia]

merry Christmas!! I hope the holidays bring you warmth, love, tea, and a good book ✨🎁🎄

[fyonahmacnally]

Little Girl Inside

It’s been months since Lex and Nxyly were defeated, since Lillian died. Months since the loss of the only family Lena’s known for a majority of her life. At first, she felt completely lost. Where she thought she would feel a sense of freedom, a sense of relief, she instead feels utterly lost. In fact, Lena feels more lost than she did on her first day at Luthor Manor as a tiny four year old.

She’s not lonely anymore. Not in any sense of the word, not really. She spends her days splitting time between the newly formed Lena Luthor Foundation and The Tower. As a fully integrated member of the team, she works alongside the rest of her friends to keep the city safe. Most of her evenings are spent at the apartment she now shares with Kara. 

It happens organically. Neither woman wants to live alone, they talked extensively about it. The problem is, neither really trust anyone to share their space. Well, outside of each other, anyway. That’s how they end up living in Kara’s loft. The idea of finding a bigger two bedroom space gets kicked around for a while. When neither of them bring it up again, the subject gets dropped and they fall into a routine. 

The fact there is only one bed and they’re sharing it isn’t strange. Best friends do that, right? It’s not an issue. The fact Lena hasn’t mentioned it to her therapist doesn’t mean anything. She just hasn’t gotten to it. Yet. 

It’s fine.

That’s the other new thing. Lena Luthor is seeing a therapist. 

When Kelly recommends she go to therapy, she scoffs. She’s a Luthor, after all. Luthors don’t go to therapy. However, after a little time passes, she begins to question her reactions to things. Is she scoffing at therapy because that’s actually how she feels about it or because that’s how the Luthors taught her to feel? This line of thinking bleeds over into every aspect of her life making her question her beliefs and reactions to everything. Needless to say, it’s very eye opening. 

This revelation sends her on a journey of discovery and self-care. She starts eating regularly, figuring out what she likes and doesn’t like in all aspects of her life. It’s like rediscovering the world around her. Unfortunately, along with the good comes the bad. Finally seeing how truly horrible she was treated by her supposed family and the damage it caused is a whiplash of trauma. Talking about things helps her in ways she never imagined. It’s the deep seated wounds to her psyche, all of the things she lost or missed out on that are harder to reconcile. 

The past few weeks have been full of introspection and realization. She’s starting to understand more and more, the little girl inside her hasn’t healed. That little girl wasn’t allowed to exist so she never got to grow and learn. At first it was a hard pill to swallow for the last Luthor, now she is trying to figure out what to do about it. Can she do anything? Is it too late?

These questions consume her thoughts most evenings and she knows Kara has noticed. It’s a random Tuesday when the hero finally asks.

Kara can tell there is something weighing on Lena’s mind. They’ve just finished a late dinner, both having worked later than usual. Plates, flatware, and glasses still strewn on the coffee table and one of their guilty pleasure shows streaming in the background. The blonde doesn’t want to pry, but she knows Lena has a propensity to compartmentalize and stifle her emotions so she tries to gently push her friend to open up.

Kara sighs internally. Calling the woman next to her friend, even in her head, doesn’t feel right. Lena is her friend, the best even, but it’s always been more. It has been for a long time. She knows it and she’s pretty sure her sister knows, too. Now though, it’s getting harder and harder to keep it at bay. They’re living together. Sleeping in the same bed. Not just that, they are always wrapped around each other in bed. She’s never had a friend like that. Not in all of her Earth years. So yeah, it’s getting harder to keep her feelings tamped down. 

But, that’s for another day, right now she needs to focus on her best friend. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Kara slides closer to the woman and softly pats the jogger clad thigh now pressed against her own. “You barely ate your dinner and it was your favorite. Plus, you’ve been essentially staring through the TV all evening. Are you okay?”

The gentle voice jars Lena from her thoughts, her viridian eyes settle on her best friend’s concerned sapphire ones. She shifts her eyes away and runs her fingers through her ebony locks before releasing a defeated sigh. “I just…I don’t know how to explain it. When I started therapy, it was on the premise of processing my grief. It has turned into so much more.” Another sigh escapes her lips as she turns toward the blonde. “Going to therapy, actually talking about the things I experienced in that house growing up, it’s making me realize how traumatic my childhood really was.”

A humorless laugh floats into the space between them, Lena shakes her head and drops her chin in disbelief at admitting that out loud. “The Luthors didn’t show or allow emotion. I entered the manor as a scared, grieving four year old.” She can feel her lip quiver and tears sting her already tired eyes. This time, instead of holding them back, she lets them fall freely. “In a lot of ways, Kara, I am still that scared, grieving little girl and I’m not sure what to do about it. Or if I can do anything about it.”

Kara’s heart breaks. She’s always known Lena didn’t live a happy childhood, that her best friend was starved for the love and support Kara herself had in droves. Lena was never allowed to feel or express normal human emotions. The stoic woman was never given the space to explore childhood and experience the joys of true freedom before adulthood settled in. She was always suppressed under the thumb of the Luthor moniker, forced to endure the strict regime of elite classes and standards that would make grown men falter. It’s something Kara wishes she could fix. 

Warm, strong arms wrap around her shoulders. Lena leans into her best friend’s chest and breathes in the familiar scent that has come to mean safety and shelter. Her Kara. Always Kara. The blonde smiles and pulls the smaller woman closer, placing a soft kiss to her forehead and pressing her cheek against silky, raven locks.

“I’m so proud of you, Lena.” She runs her left hand up and down the exposed skin of Lena’s arm, the sleeve of her faded Star Wars t-shirt leaving most of the pale skin on display. A soft hum escapes the woman’s pouty lips, eliciting a smile from Kara. “You have avoided a lot of self-care because Lionel and Lillian made you believe it was a weakness. You steered clear of therapy because Lex made you believe it was for people who were of lesser intelligence. Deep down, you’ve always known it wasn’t true, but you knew if any of them found out, they would use it against you in every way possible.”

“You’re so strong, Lena. Even in the face of such adversity, you are a kind-hearted, beautiful soul.” Another soft squeeze of reassurance. “You’ve always been the best Luthor. You always will be.” 

They sit in the comfortable, but heavy silence for a few moments. Neither of them make a move to pull away from the other. Kara breaks the silence, finding this is a perfect time to ask some questions she’s been curious about for years and move the conversation in a new direction. She also has an ulterior motive. The blonde wants her best friend to experience all the things she was starved of as a kid. She just needs to know some of those things Lena missed out on and this might be the chance she’s been looking for.

“Over the years, you’ve mentioned never watching movies or playing board games like most of us did. Are there other things you were deprived of as a child?” Kara lightly squeezes her closer before continuing to caress the pale skin of the arm now wrapped around her waist. “Toys you wish you had or places you wish you could have gone? What are some things Lena Luthor wanted as a child and teen?”

A soft chuckle passes across Lena’s lips, the warm breath ghosting against Kara’s neck and causing a shiver the blonde hopes goes unnoticed. The CEO hums. “You’ve helped with the movies and board games. I am sure there are more of both I still need to experience, but you’ve checked off most of them.” Her mind drifts back to the first months at Luthor Manor, recalling how many times she asked to play outside or go to the playground only to be scoffed at or reprimanded. Thoughts of the stuffed bear her mother gave her the Christmas before she died and how Lillian took it from her two days after she arrived. 

Kara patiently waits for an answer, fully aware of how often Lena can get lost trying to navigate the treacherous memories of her childhood. She knows how full of landmines those moments can be for her best friend. So, she pulls the woman closer to place a soft kiss on the crown of her head. Her patience pays off when Lena continues.

“I never got to play on the playground, being outside was frowned upon. Dirt was for heathens and unbecoming of a Luthor.” She rolls her eyes. “I think I stopped asking to go outside to play when I was six. It could have been sooner. I had to grow up so quickly. Shedding tears would elicit the wrath of Lillian. Lionel was never really around so I learned early on I needed to hide things from Lillian.” Lena clears her throat, not wanting to dwell too long on that train of thought. 

“There was this teddy bear I had, it was the only thing I brought with me to Luthor Manor. Her name was Miss Pizzley. I got her for Christmas from my mother.” She smiles thinking about Miss Pizzley and how much she loved that bear. “It was the last thing I got from my mother and Lillian took it from me. I wish I still had her.” She lets out a long sigh, nuzzling further into Kara’s neck. 

“Outside of the teddy bear, there weren’t many things I asked for. I knew better.” She chuckles, leaning back to look up at her best friend.

“I asked for three things from the time I arrived at Luthor Manor until they sent me off to boarding school.” She shook her head, briefly closing her eyes in recollection of the memory before gazing back at her hero. “For Christmas when I was five, I asked for a Princess Leia figurine and a Furby. The only two things I asked for and I got neither. Instead, I got piano lessons and a chess set.” She rolls her eyes as she remembers that Christmas.

Kara watches her carefully, tilting her head in awe of this amazing woman. Still so incredibly kind and caring, even after the abuse and neglect she suffered. “Wow. I can’t imagine. My holidays with the Danvers were so different. Oh, you said three things. What was the third thing?” She pulls the CEO back into her arms and they settle against the backrest of the couch. 

Lena hums against the soft tan skin of Kara’s neck, a warmth and security that has quickly become her favorite place. Cuddled on the couch with the woman she’s been unequivocally and irrefutably in love with for years. At this moment, there is nowhere else she’d rather be. 

“The third thing came much later. It was the last Christmas I spent at Luthor Manor before they shipped me off to boarding school. I asked for an iPod. I wanted a way to listen to music in the dorm without disturbing others. Instead, I was allowed to enroll in fencing classes at my new school.” She rolls her eyes, thinking of the smug look on Lillian’s face that Christmas when Lena unwrapped the “gift” she was handed. The look is forever etched into her mind. The box contained her updated schedule for Mount St. Helena. Instead of the robotics class she had chosen and enrolled in, fencing sat in its place. 

“Meanwhile, Lex was being showered with gifts. The first edition of the Motorola Razr cell phone, a brand new Rolex, and a top of the line Porsche 911.” Lena scoffs. The disparity between the two of them had never been as evident as it was that Christmas. “As much as I hated the idea of going to boarding school, at least I knew I wouldn’t have to deal with seeing Lillian and worrying about Lionel’s drunken tirades. At that point, I still adored and idolized Lex. Plus, he was still a decent big brother. In fact, he gifted me the iPod I asked for when he dropped me off at the boarding school. Our parents couldn’t be bothered with taking me so he did.”  

Silence engulfs them. Kara is mulling over the information she learned and Lena is immersed in a swirl of painful recollections. Strong arms are still wrapped around the youngest Luthor. Neither of them speak for several minutes, both lost in the haunting memories of a little girl lost. 

They don’t talk much after that. Kara’s mind is devising a plan to give Lena the things she missed out on as a kid. It’s something she’s given a lot of thought to since the woman first opened up to her. Lena is still swimming in the memories of the Luthors ghosts and a past she’s still trying to reconcile. It isn’t until a few months later that the subject comes up again.

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