#THIS MOTHERFUCKER should not even be a reviewer at ALL

[mysticarcanum]

love getting an edit request on my writing so stupid that i. what is the meme. turn into the joker? have my joker moment? i am the joker now. i am fucking off from work half an hour early because i am so angry

[radawayghoul]

His Little Dove | Chapter 1

The Plan

Warnings: cursing, slight age difference, innuendos, height difference, ummm calling people names, angst, i think i switched from second to third POV at a certain point so..bad/subpar writing is a warning lol, 18+ only, MDNI

Pairing: Lee Russell x Reader (AFAB)

Word Count: 2,123

A/N: it's finnniisshheeddd!! ugh i actually am so insanely proud of this chapter!! thank you so much to everyone who has been waiting to read this!! i'm genuinely so honored and am starting chapter two as we speak!! the comments and stuff really motivate me so much 🥹

 Following behind Lee and Neal, Y/N listened in on their conversation, a bit confused as to why you’d been invited. 

“Oh, Jesus Christ, the bloodbath begins,” Lee said around a mouth full of smoke, “She’s got me off my rocker, Gamby. We gotta act quick,” Lee adjusted his hold on his cigarette, “Now, she’s tied up in teacher reviews for the next 72 minutes. That gives us some time.” 

Y/N arched a brow. “Time to do what, Lee?” You questioned him, “Who exactly are we sabotaging?” Y/N knew the name of Lee’s game by now. 

“Oh, great, Russell, why did you invite her?! She’s not even familiar with the parameters of our plan!” Neal exclaimed, yanking his toothpick out from between his teeth, pausing in the middle of the school parking lot. 

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Gamby!” Lee whined, “Treat Y/N with a little respect! Ohhh, Y/N, darlin’, I’m so sorry for this fat fuckin’ losers disrespect, please just ignore him, okay, pretty bird?” Lee gave you a sickeningly sweet smile before turning back to Neal with a disgruntled look, “Loosen the fuck up or I will do this shit on my own motherfucker. Now, let’s go dig up some dirt on that grimy bitch.” 

Neal scoffed but followed after Lee begrudgingly, Y/N speeding up her steps to keep up. 

You had no idea WHO you were sabotaging but you weren’t one to say no to Lee. You never said no to Lee Russell. And you absolutely never fucking would. 

-----------

The three of them rolled up on a house that Y/N knew all too well. Lee’s house. This did little to lessen your confusion but you trusted Lee. 

“Is this where she lives? What a shit-hole.” Neal chuckled. 

Y/N snorted as Lee ripped off his sunglasses. 

“This is my house, motherfucker! It’s a mid-century sea ranch!” Lee yelled, huffing a sigh before continuing, “Now, stay here, I gotta go get somethin’.” Lee got out of the car and strutted towards his front door. 

“You should go easier on him, Neal. Really.” Y/N said, crossing her arms, leaning back into her seat. 

“Oh shut up, Y/N! God! Stop being so pretentious.” Neal groaned, rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses. 

Y/N looked over as Lee was followed out of the house by his screaming mother-in-law, Mi Cha, looking stressed to the heavens. 

“Shut up! Shut up! All I hear is gibberish from you, shut up! Go back in the house!” Lee yelled before turning to walk towards the car, “Like nails on a fuckin’ chalkboard.” He groaned, stopping when he got to the car, closing his eyes in frustration as the woman kept screaming, “GO BACK IN THE HOUSE!!!” He yelled louder this time, pointing angrily at the open door. 

“FUCK YOU!” Mi Cha yelled, finally walking back inside. 

Lee grunted as he got back inside the car, a noise that made the butterflies in the pit of your stomach stir, shoving a bag into the back of the car into your lap. 

“Y/N, would you be a dear and hold this?” Lee smiled at Y/N, always being so sweet with her, even if he was out of breath. His smile dropped, however, the minute he turned towards Neal. “Go.” Lee demanded.

“Everything okay?” Neal questioned. 

“Just go.” Lee sighed, leaning heavily into the passenger seat. 

Y/N’s heart hurt for Lee. He was always under so much stress. Ever since his mother-in-law moved in, he had not been doing so well. He’d been a bit…wilder than usual. Always wanting to get into something scandalous or cause some sort of raucous to relieve his stress. Was it always the best solution? No. No it wasn’t. But, Y/N wasn’t going to deny Lee any sort of stress relief…even if it did mean they’d have to cover for him. 

-----------

Neal cleared his throat as the three of them continued their journey to wherever it was that they were going. 

“So, uh, was that woman your wife?” Neal asked, looking over at Lee nervously. 

Y/N couldn’t help but giggle slightly. 

Lee looked at him completely disgusted. “Don’t be asking me personal questions. We ain’t fuckin’ friends, okay? This is business.” Lee scoffed. 

“Leeee..” Y/N said quietly, leaning up slightly to rest their hand on Lee’s shoulder, “Breathe.” Y/N massaged his shoulder, trying to help him relax. 

Lee relaxed a little into Y/N’s touch, taking a deep breath. Y/N was really the only one to have this sort of effect on Lee. She could calm him in almost any and all situations unless he was really, really stressed. 

“Friends?” Neal laughed, “I am not trying to be your friend.” 

“Over here tryin’ to make a fuckin’ friend and we about to do a mission.” Lee scoffed, leaning back into Y/N’s touch even further. 

Neal looked between the two of them with a raised brow, “You’re the one trying to make friends the most.” Neal challenged. 

Lee sighed, slipping his sunglasses back onto his nose. “Just shut up, Gamby, god!” 

Y/N shook her head at the two of them, pulling her hand off of Lee to sit back once more. 

-----------

The group of them rolled to a stop in a very well-off looking neighborhood. 

“Who are we here for, Lee?” Y/N questioned, peering out the window of the car. 

“Dr. Brown’s deep, dark secrets.” Lee smiled mischievously, chewing on his bottom lip. 

“Belinda?! Lee…honey, I need you to bring yourself back to earth for a moment. You know I support you in all that you do but this is a suicide mission, sweetheart.” Y/N told him sweetly, sighing a little. She knew this man was up to something scandalous. 

“Don’t start, Y/N. God, you both just really wanna piss on my parade, don’t you? Maybe you two should be fuckin’ butt buddies and I’ll do the work that fuckin’ matters.” Lee grumbled, getting out of the car. 

Y/N sighed, following after him while Neal awkwardly stayed in the car. 

“Lee, sweetheart, you know it’s not like that at all!” Y/N said, walking over to place a hand on his back, “Don’t get all grumpy with me like that, it hurts my feelings, doll.” Y/N frowned up at him. 

Lee scanned Y/N’s face with his famous sad puppy dog eyes before letting out a frustrated sigh. “Alright fine, fuck!” He exclaimed, looking down at his feet, “I’m sorry, okay? There I said it. Now, come help me take this dirty bitch to hell?” Lee looked at Y/N with a cute smile, batting his lashes at her. 

Y/N closed her eyes. “I’m gonna regret this..but fine. I’d do anything for you.” Y/N muttered, shaking her head. 

“Are you two weirdos finished? We’re running out of fucking time!” Neal grumbled as he stomped over to them. 

Lee rolled his eyes, grabbing Y/N’s hand to drag her towards Dr. Brown’s house. “Shut up, Gamby!” 

The three of them shortly arrived at Belinda’s house where Neal and Lee began digging their way through the woman’s garbage. 

“Ugh,” Y/N gave them a disgusted look, “Lee, I love you, but that is fucking repulsive.” 

“Oh, please, just pretend I’m digging in your ass, that’ll make the picture a whole lot prettier.” Lee winked at Y/N with a smirk.

Y/N’s breath caught in her throat, heat rapidly rising to her cheeks. “Lee fucking Russell, do not say that shit to me,” Y/N crossed her arms over her chest, feeling sheepish. 

“Don’t pretend like you don’t love it when I talk dirty to you, darlin’.” Lee’s smile grew as he took in her red appearance. 

“So..uh..I’m confused, are you two like..dating..or..?” Neal questioned, watching the pair with an expressionless face. 

“NO!” Y/N said much too quickly before steadying herself, “No, we’re just friends. Lee just doesn’t know how to shut the fuck up.” She grumbled. 

Lee placed an offended hand on his chest. “That no was a little too quick for my liking. What? Am I not good enough for you little miss honors English teacher? Huh? Not good enough for the little straight A, fuckin’ teacher of the goddamn year?!” Lee scoffed, his brows narrowed slightly. He looked genuinely hurt by her rushed response. 

“You’re fucking married, Lee!” Y/N yelled at him, eyes wide, “Why the fuck would I ever agree to someone asking if we’re dating, idiot?!” 

“Oh, don’t you start callin’ me fuckin’ names now, missy!” Lee pointed an accusing finger at her, scrunching his face up the way he does when he’s upset about something. 

“Right. Okay um, it seems like you two have a lot to work out and I really don’t care to hear the rest of this conversation because you’re both fucking stupid and I don’t care about either of you.” Neal ranted awkwardly before walking towards Belinda’s steps.

Y/N and Lee rolled their eyes at each other, following after Neal. 

“Oh..there’s no fucking way we’re breaking in here!” Y/N scolded, giving Lee a disapproving look. 

Lee shrugged, shooing Neal towards the door. 

Neal popped off his tie, wrapped it around his hand, and busted open one of the windows on the back door before sticking his hand through to pop the lock. 

“Jesus Christ,” Y/N muttered, shaking her head. She pinched the bridge of her nose with a sigh, “what are y’all getting me into?” 

“Oh shush.” Lee scolded, waltzing into Belinda’s house behind Neal. 

Y/N followed close behind. “Lee, we should not be doing this. You’re smarter than this.” 

Lee stopped and turned around to give her a cold gaze. “Am I, Y/N? Hm?” He challenged, walking towards her dangerously slow, “You don’t really know me all that well, do you?” He smirked, standing so close to her she could feel his breath fanning her face. 

Y/N gulped, trembling slightly as she peered up at him. “Stop it,” She said quietly, looking away from him, “You always fucking tease me and it’s not fucking fair, Lee, jesus.” She snapped, immediately turning and walking back out the door. 

Lee chased after her, grabbing her by her elbow. “Hey now. What's the matter with you?! Where the fuck are you going?” 

“Back to my fucking job, Lee. I am not doing this. Belinda hasn’t done shit to me. Look…I love you, Lee, I really do. You’re my best friend but this job is my fucking life. But you wouldn’t get that, would you? Because you’ve got fucking everything. You’re married, you’ve got a beautiful home, a nice car.” Y/N took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. She was overwhelmed with her feelings. His teasing usually never bothered her but today...today was different for some reason. She just couldn't go through with this any longer. “I understand why you’re doing this..and I want to help you, Lee, believe me, I do. But I can’t lose this job.” Y/N finally looked up at him, almost taken aback by the sincere look on his face. 

“Go,” He said, softly, “I’ll meet you back at the school..okay? For lunch. Like always.” Lee held out his pinky. It was their tradition to link pinkies when making plans as a promise to not let each other down. 

Y/N nodded, curling her smaller pinky around his larger one. “Like always.” She pulled her hand away, starting her journey back to the school on foot. It wasn’t far, she wouldn’t have any trouble getting there but leaving Lee behind like that when he had been counting on her to help him really broke her heart. But she couldn’t lose this job. It was all she had that kept her connected to Lee and she’d be the first to go if anyone found out about this scheme. She couldn’t risk it - couldn’t risk her livelihood and her job. Lee was everything to her. Everything. Lee was and always will be her livelihood. 

-----------

Back at Belinda’s, Lee walked back into the house with a determined look on his face, now upset that his one and only friend bailed on him. 

“You’re a fucking idiot, you know that?” Neal said while scanning the wall of Belinda’s photos.

“What the fuck did you just say to me, Gamby?” Lee said pissily, narrowing his brows at him. 

“That girl loves you..and you’re just blind to it..I’m not good with women but you shouldn’t use her the way you do.” Neal shrugged. 

“Shut the fuck up, you ass face, you have no fucking idea what you’re even talkin’ about.” Lee scoffed, stomping off up the stairs of Belinda’s house. 

That couldn’t be right, could it? Could you really love him in that way? 

‘No,’ Lee thought, shaking his head, ‘There’s no way…right?’ 

Right? 

--

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[moonlitlex]

i have so much to say abt chalice of the gods so im just gonna copy paste my review from goodreads here. you can also read it on goodreads

ok. i promised i would hate this book. and i do. i hate this book. i also hate rick riordan. in addition, i hate capitalism. i promise that’s relevant.

let’s talk about the book now. i’ll cover the things i love first. i love percy jackson. i love grover. i love annabeth. i love sally. i love paul. i love percy annabeth and grover together. all of these things are very obvious and self-explanatory. percy is hands down THE main character of all time. i have nothing bad to say about him. his literal fatal flaw is loyalty. he’s actually perfect and has no flaws. this is expected from the son of sally jackson, the perfect person. paul is sweet and kind to sally and that’s really all that matters. annabeth is awesome and supportive and so is grover and they’re all besties forever. you get it. you’ve read percy jackson.

the jokes are better than before. there are definitely some legitimately funny jokes in this book, which i was really missing from the last few rick riordan installments. and i don’t think this is because rick suddenly got funnier. i think it’s because this style of joke works for percy. of all of rick’s protagonists, percy seems the most natural fit for these jokes.

sally is great. grover and annabeth are generally on form. so is percy, as much as can be expected from rick riordan at this point. i will elaborate on this later.

now to complain. this is the stupidest premise i’ve ever heard of. percy is a high school senior. he is going to go to new rome university. he needs 3 divine recommendations. this is already a stupid premise but don’t worry, it gets worse. poseidon reveals that the reason percy needs these recommendations is that it’s a special requirement for him specifically made by zeus. and the reason he gets to have this stupid requirement is that he’s a child of the big three and shouldn’t exist.

hello. zeus. yes, lord zeus, it’s me. alexis.

what the absolute FUCK are you saying.

this doesn’t MAKE SENSE. the only reason percy shouldn’t have existed was that the gods had a stupid pact to not have any kids because of a stupid prophecy. two things here. one - that prophecy is OVER. everything turned out fine. thanks to percy jackson. you’re welcome, gods of olympus. two - percy has literally saved olympus TWICE now. two times. this is genuinely such a dumb and made up reason to send percy on a quest that i can’t even turn my brain off and enjoy it. it’s not fun. leave percy alone. LEAVE HIM ALONE.

it’s literally insane how stupid this setup is. rick keeps writing books about how the gods are horrible and take advantage of the demigods and the demigods live terrible lives. in this book, percy has LITERALLY saved olympus TWICE and motherfucking zeus (literally) had to be talked down from making him get 25 letters of recommendation to 3. this is AFTER percy spent 3 years in pjo almost being killed and got his memory wiped for 6-8 months depending on which book you read in hoo and then got sent on a quest to save the entire world AGAIN. this CHILD got like a 2-4 month break (depending on which book you’re reading) and he woke up with no fucking memory and had to spend like 2 more months fighting monsters and the literal primordial earth goddess. and now he has to go on literally pointless quests that someone who didn’t just get back home from saving the actual world could ALSO just do. because he needs to get some fucking letters of recommendation.

look. genuinely. percy jackson should snap at this point in the story. this boy should’ve snapped like at least 5 books ago. at minimum. rick wrote the perfect setup to show us percy’s instant descent into madness. he should LOSE it. all the gods have done for the ENTIRE time he’s known he’s a demigod is treat demigods like disposable tools. this is the point in the story where percy goes. wow. luke was right. you guys are all assholes who don’t care about us even a little bit. i am NOT saying what needs to follow is a fanfic-esque dark!percy story where he successfully destroys olympus or something. what i AM saying. is at bare minimum this is where percy goes you know what fuck you i hate you guys and washes his hands of being a demigod at least temporarily. at the very least he should sit back and think yeah, i don’t really want to go to new rome university. it’s not worth it. i will just go to a different university. look. it’s percy jackson. he can literally one shot all but the most fearsome monsters (typhon, the giants, a drakon, etc). he is literally going to be 100% completely fine going to mortal university AND he wont have to deal with zeus’s annoying ass.

listen. MY percy jackson wanted to kill smelly gabe as a 12 year old because he abused his mother. MY percy jackson doesn’t like bullies. MY percy jackson challenged ares to a fight just on the basis that ares was a fucking asshole.

MY percy jackson is not going on useless fucking quests to go to new rome university of all places.

which reminds me. why DOES he want to go to new rome university. this is percy jackson. he LOVES new york. why is percy “what did they do to my city” jackson going to university ACROSS THE COUNTRY from the city he loves. why is he doing that. and hey look. sally and paul (and soon estelle) are ALSO going to be in new york. so like WHY is he leaving for real. percy my fatal flaw is loyalty jackson. IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE OK! it’s percy he is seriously not going to have issues with common monsters attacking him. we literally saw him fight off titans and giants a fucking hellhound isn’t gonna get his ass. WHY is he leaving. it does NOT make sense.

there’s this scene ok. where sally tells them she’s pregnant. and percy’s like oh my god…. i’m going to be in california…. and my sister is going to be here…. and i was just sitting there going. yeah bro. why are you going to california. i literally do not understand. you literally are from nyc. you live here. your family is here. your friends from chb are like a short pegasus ride away. there are like 50 universities in new york. just go here. why are you leaving. you are percy jackson. being a new yorker is literally one of your defining traits. stay here. WHY AR EYOU LEAVING I DO NOT UNDERSTAND PERSEUS

and listen. if your argument is that annabeth is going to be in nru. why the FUCK is ANNABETH going to nru!!!!! WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT!!!! EXPLAIN IT!!!! percy LITERALLY says annabeth is such an overachiever she’s already run out of ap classes to take. he literally says that. why the fuck is this girl going to nru where let’s be real her admission is guaranteed. annabeth is 100% someone who would want to go to an ivy. and would you fucking believe it there’s an ivy right here in nyc. like let’s be fucking realistic here. annabeth started her architecture career at SIXTEEN designing the city the fucking GODS live in. so like. don’t you think she’d want to be a bit more challenged. don’t you think she’d want to go to a university that is actually recognizable to mortals. annabeth did NOT love new rome that much like did richard forget what he wrote. this girl was freaking out about new rome until percy said he only likes it because they could live together there. she literally does not care about new rome and she is WAY too ambitious and academically inclined to be happy with going to some small as uni 99% of employers have never heard of.

this isn’t even the worst character assassination in the book. that award goes to the way rick wrote percy. percy. my darling percy. my beloved percy. perseus jackson. light of my life. as i said before, he is MOSTLY on form. the him really wanting to cali thing is definitely ooc for him but it is NOTHING compared to the sheer amount of times rick portrays percy as stupid in this accursed novel. his internal monologue is constantly shit like i’m always so behind annabeth and omg i’m being so dumb right now and annabeth calls me seaweed brain because i’m an idiot and blah blah fucking blah.

dick riordan has forgotten that perseus jackson is, in fact, not stupid at all. he is INCREDIBLY clever. he is just not particularly academically inclined/not very book smart and it would also be perfectly understandable given the fucking books that riordan wrote to interpret that as percy being very discouraged from engaging with his studies. he genuinely enjoys chiron’s class at yancy because chiron is an engaging teacher and encourages him. he spends 90% of his time in pjo deducing what’s going on with extremely limited information because rick decided none of the characters can tell him anything because of plot and exposition reasons. in son of neptune he literally just coasts on having sherlockian (not bbc that’s a whole other angry review) powers of deduction. to the point where the characters around him are amazed at how he’s figuring stuff out. literally in house of hades annabeth’s pov’s are constantly her commenting on how she gives percy shit for being a dumbass but he’s actually really clever.

it genuinely feels like at some point during the writing of mark of athena rick decided to just slowly start making various fanon ideas canon. percy being stupid is very commonly accepted fanon because he doesn’t realize how smart he is (and fans don’t realize he’s an unreliable narrator) and the fans also love to infantilize characters with more in your face adhd (leo is another victim of this phenomenon). we’ve spent 5 books in percy’s head and he doesn’t think he’s particularly clever so it makes sense to ignore the mountains of evidence pointing towards his quick and creative thought process in favour of haha percy is dumb jokes.

the wild thing is, percy isn’t even that hard on himself in pjo. he obviously doesn’t see himself in the same way we later come to find out other people see him (mainly thinking about hazel and frank in son of neptune, which is the only time in hoo he genuinely feels like the same character as pjo percy) but he’s not really dealing with crazy self doubt and self esteem issues. he does have his down on himself moments but they’re all extremely understandable given the context because he literally faces impossible odds in every single pjo book. at one point he’s disappointed he couldn’t tell that ares and luke manipulated him… like yes bestie that’s a very valid thing to feel upset and betrayed about. it doesn’t mean that he’s actually stupid though and genuinely he comes across more as humble and not realizing just how awesome and cool and interesting he is than anything else. percy consistently shows that he is really clever. half of pjo is percy figuring out a new and interesting way of defeating his enemies and the other half is percy figuring out how to bait his enemies into a duel to improve his odds. it’s horrible what rick does to percy in his internal monologue.

it’s to an insane degree. yes i realize i have already written 500 words about percy not being stupid alone but i must stress how egregious this is. it’s literally characters who have previously acknowledged percy’s intelligence who start remarking about how he’s stupid. in house of hades percy and annabeth get out of fucking TARTARUS and reyna makes a jab about how percy wouldn’t be able to find his way out of a paper bag without annabeth. that is an INSANE thing to say for reyna and for rick. rick has not written a stupid character so it’s weird to make that something a character does without really trying to show them being wrong. from reyna’s perspective, this is a guy she was complimenting a few short weeks ago. this is a guy she immediately wanted to make a leader at the camp that she loves and is her home. this is guy she barely knows and she pretty much immediately proposes to him. WHY would she suddenly start making jokes about how dumb he is? it’s not like she actually knows him better now. he came to the battle with reinforcements and basically immediately dipped after the feast. how are we to accept reyna treating our beloved perseus in this horrific manner? we simply cannot. it is unnacceptable. this is inaccurate.

it’s so WRONG to do this to percy. yES I UNDERSTAND I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS FOR TOO LONG. I DON’T CARE. PERCY JACKSON IS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE AND I NEED TO DEFEND HIM FROM THIS SLANDER. I AM ONLY PARTIALLY JOKING. listen. liSTEN. this is the guy whose signature move is manipulate your enemy into dueling with you when you’re outnumbered or outmatched. he very coolly manipulated bob into killing his own brother (btw this was very hot and sexy and clever and attractive perseus is king of gaslight gatekeep girlboss). he is NOT stupid. he is impulsive. he is extremely oblivious about some things. he is NOT stupid. i watched perseus jackson grow up for 5 books and he is not stupid. i always say this. i always say that percy is not stupid and richard riordan refuses to listen to me.

there are such horrendous lines as “i am a guy of limited talents. if i can’t kill it with water, a sword, or sarcasm, i’m basically defenseless.” richard how DARE you say this about my beloved perseus. he is NEVER like this. he literally would never say that. even at absolute worst percy’s internal monologue was “this plan is stupid and will get us killed. but it’s the plan i have.” he’s NOT a being defenseless guy. what hte fuck are you saying. richard did you read your own books. RICHARD. DID YOU. at one point he says that he is constantly several steps behind annabeth’s thought process. he has literally never thought this before and it is also untrue. richard. i hate you. read your own fucking books oh my god.

ok. i think i have sufficiently harped on the fact that percy is not stupid. now i will complain about another thing. and this was just in one part but it bothered me and this is my review so i get to talk about whatever i want. if you don’t like it read someone else’s review. don’t hate read my review. i didn't charge you money to read it

at one point, percy has to wrestle a god who hercules once wrestled. and annabeth says something about hercules brute forcing it. and look. i GET that hercules was freakishly strong. i get that. i understand it. but when annabeth says hercules just brute forced it they’re both like ah shit i can’t do that. perseus. beloved. you ripped the minotaurs horn off its head with your bare hands as a 12 year old with no training. you are literally insanely strong as is. that is an insane thing for a 12 year old to be able to do. hell, that would be an insane thing for a grown adult to do. i don’t think rick realizes how op percy is. he was so caught up in making percy cool (which is, you know, extremely understandable and right and correct percy jackson is the coolest man in fiction for a reason i get it) that he forgot that he made percy extremely unbelievably powerful too. with the curse of achilles he was potentially matching minor gods in power level. he fights while sustaining mini-hurricanes and explodes glaciers and shit.

some more things. the prose is… acceptable. the plot reads like a fever dream. there is a smoothie shop called himbo juice that annabeth percy and grover are evidently regulars at. and there are. himbos. that serve. juice. so you can imagine what this fever dream looks like. like the last couple rick riordan releases, this one reads like published fanfiction too, just with better quality of writing than the sun and the star.

there are some WEIRD continuity errors in here. one of them is fairly minor but i still noticed it - percy says his father compared his mother to a princess. this is not true. poseidon compared sally to a queen. specifically, he called her “a queen among women”. i know this because i am sally jackson’s number 1 fan.

more egregiously, however, is annabeth’s yankees cap heebie jeebies. percy puts on annabeths’s cap and gets the heebie jeebies while using it. and then he goes wow annabeth. you never told me that using the cap is like this. and annabeth is like yeah well. power is like that. richard. riordan. did you fucking FORGET that percy has, in fact, worn annabeth’s cap before. and it was literally completely. once again, richard, did you read your own books.

one more good thing - when percy fights geras/gary, who is the god/personification of old age, the way he does it is by imagining him and his friends getting older and embracing it. this was a genuinely good and sweet moment and it was very touching. the trio’s talks about this after the fact are also absolutely a return to form from riordan. for like, a few paragraphs. but still.

the biggest problem is just how obvious it is that this book is a cash grab. we had pjo. then we had a sequel series. then we had ANOTHER sequel series. and now we’re getting random standalone novels that are extremely unnecessary and don’t add anything. rick riordan has dollar signs in his eyes. these are not stories that make sense. these are not stories rick genuinely wanted to tell. these are stories that are being told because the purpose of publishing books now is to maximize profit. (sidebar - i told you the capitalism thing would be relevant. you should believe me more often. smh) the only reason rick is still writing these books is that they make money. they feel extremely empty and hollow.

percy is trapped as a teenager forever because rick refuses to let him age up. percy accepting old age would make FAR more sense for a percy who’s in his 20’s and just now realizing that he lived past all the shit he thought was going to kill him and he has a real life that he likes and he could actually grow old now. but percy must be a child for marketing purposes, so he stays a child. the world itself is trapped in a cycle of the gods promising they’ll be better and the gods literally not changing at all. and for the sake of the book series, it can’t change. if we had real change in the world, that would actually mean something, silly. we can’t have consequences. we have to reset every 5 years like a fucking comic book so that we can make infinite money. this is the infinite money glitch irl. just make trash that doesn’t need to be made. the end point of capitalism is making trash no one asked for that has no artistic merit just because you can make money off of it.

by the way, dr emily wilson’s iliad translation, which was also out on the same day, is LESS expensive than this book. this cashgrab nonsense novel is MORE expensive than a book a professor in classics who has a phd spent 4 years on. this is just wrong. the fun and stupid cashgrab book should NOT be more expensive than a book that someone spent 4 years meticulously translating from ancient greek. it’s just so clear and in your face. trials of apollo absolutely felt like a cashgrab but at least there was SOME semblance of effort there. this is literally just the most plain and simple cashgrab novel you can make.

hey. you know the infinite monkey theorem? the infinite monkey theorem is that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type any given text including shakespeare. richard riordan is a monkey with a typewriter. you get it. you’ve read percy jackson.

rick riordan struck gold with pjo. it’s genuinely to this day one of my favourite things i’ve ever read, flaws and all. it’s FUN. it’s COOL. it’s THEMATICALLY COHESIVE. the characters grow and change. they feel like real people with personalities. it literally doesn’t even matter how op percy is because THAT’S how good of a character he is. he is so compelling that you want to read about him anyway even though you can tell right from the minotaur fight that this kid can decimate whatever opponent he has. the books are funny and moving because you can genuinely connect to these characters. the more i read rick riordan’s work, the more certain i am that pjo was a fluke. i don’t think he knows what he’s doing. i think he should retire from writing.

unfortunately for me, richard riordan seems to have no intention of retiring. he has announced another percy jackson book that will be released next year. i assume there will be at least 2 more books based on the setup in this one.

rick. listen. i know you’re listening because what else will you do with your time. rick, why are you doing this. hasn’t percy been through enough. when will it end. give it a rest. stop it. get some help. at the very least, read your own books before writing percy. i am right about him and you are wrong about him. you are the author and i’m killing you right now. i am strangling you and i am hitting you with weapons. all at once. i am very proficient at causing deaths. (this is a metaphor referring to roland barthes’ death of the author. i wish no bodily harm to richard riordan).

this book is… alright. percy is my smart king. sally jackson is queen of my heart. it’s a fun read but you do have to turn your brain off completely and read through some serious percy defamation.

[edit: i am downgrading this book to one star (was at 2). the more i think about it, the more angry i am. there is literally a paragraph tailor made to rub jason's death in our faces. it's about how he looks forward to getting old being married to piper and having grandchildren. it's a very low blow. jason is literally rick riordan's biggest missed opportunity and he's rubbing in how poorly he treated jason even after killing him off for apollo's character development.

annabeth still keeps putting percy down because rick doesn't realize how mean she is i guess. she's still scared of him. canonically. which is a really weird and fucked up thing to write imo. this relationship doesn't seem healthy in canon (they are healthy in my head, however, because i know what women are like) but rick refuses to address it or let them break up. i LOVE annabeth. i love her. but she is an extremely flawed character and rick never treats her as such. and it just makes it exhausting to read about her.

percy IS on form but it genuinely feels like he's tlt percy, not post hoo percy. his inner voice sounds way more immature than it has for most of pjo and in son. riordan also repurposes the "look, i didn't want to be a half-blood" line from tlt to make a dumb little joke about how high school is hard. it was a GOOD opening line. it immediately set the tone and told us so much about percy in literally just a handful of words. now it's a joke about how being a senior in high school sucks. it's this mcu-esque allergy to being sincere that pjo never had.

there is BARELY any grover in this book. i love grover so much that i was cheering any time he was there, but there is very little of him. he's in like 2 or 3 scenes and has his own side plot going on with juniper and being bad at understanding what his girlfriend wants or whatever. extremely unnecessary and not what i want for grover. this book kind of ends up feeling like it's about annabeth but from percy's perspective. she gets good moments at percy's expense. percy spends the book monologuing about how annabeth is way smarter than him and all he has is his sick ass water powers and the best swordfighting skill in 300 years, both of which are very downplayed. percy explodes a river and it's treated like this crazy freaky scary thing but two years ago in universe he made a volcano erupt and everyone was like yeah this makes sense percy is that powerful. in son he explodes a glacier and it's just a normal tuesday for him. he literally doesn't even react to it. and now we're supposed to believe his exploding and purifying a river feat is some unbelievable feat.]

in conclusion, i want a refund. no i did not purchase this book. however, i would like to be reimbursed about $5000 in emotional damages. i will also be suing richard riordan for defamation on percy’s behalf. good night new york city. and my beloved perseus jackson who lives in new york city.

[depressed-teacup-inc]

It’s the way derision is a legitimately awful episode for me

Hello, Hey, how y’all doing, I’m still grieving Luka, And it’s time for another miraculous episode review!

And lord I fucking hate this one!!!

So Marinette and Adrien go on pool date, and Marinette keeps having panic attacks over it, until she’s almost akumatized and has to dig deep in memory lane to not get Akumatized (and this is where the majority of this episode takes place)

So. I hate this with all my heart! This motherfucking show. Really just said “yeah guys, so all of Marinette’s creepy stalker behavior? Yeah guys it’s Chloe and Kim’s fault she’s like this it’s trauma and therefore she’s fine!”

…so let’s unpack this.

With Chloe, this is nothing new, the show keeps demonizing her and taking away from any nuance or chance she has at redemption, and the show needs us to some reason believe that Chloe (and Lila) is worse then the little abusive father terrorist in this show! Because they are probably planning on making her the next Lila in the show as Lila becomes Hawkmoth!

To the fucking point they decided to take her bullying from random mean comments and hun on a sit in season one, To fucking roaches in lockers and panic attacks!

And before you ask, no I don’t believe that every single character needs to be redeemed and complex (some people really do just suck) but the show takes that to an extremist degree! The show needs viewers to believe Chloe is more evil then literal monarch because if she got a redemption or had dimension (as she had in season 2) marinette by comparison looks awful and creepy!

To put a long analysis short, I don’t hate Chloe for being bitchy because I think everyone should be complex, I hate her for being bitchy because the show only does this to make marinette look like a saint in comparison, to the point that they will make child abusers look better then her, just so marinette can stay “the good guy”.

Now for Kim… THIS MOTHERFUCKING SHOW!!!

“Oh yeah kids ever wondered why marinette broke into Adrien’s house, harassed him, sniffed him, stole his schedule and personally belongings and information, hurt anyone that was a rival to her, broke into his house on multiple occasions, and literally got so many people akumatize from her selfish behavior? It’s because she was traumatized by Kim, who’s suddenly cruel, and it’s all Chloe’s fault!”

ThIS SHOW. LITERALLY BLAMED EVERY SINGLE WRING THING MARINETTE EVER DID (WHICH INCLUDES LITERAL LAWS BEING BROKEN AND SOME SHIT THATS ON CHLOES LEVEL OF BAD) ON “Yeah guys she has trauma PTSD, it’s all Chloe’s fault hehe”

And it’s just… so fucking upsetting!

Not only did the show demonize Kim (and everyone is just fucking buying it) out of nowhere to be this asshole (this is not the misguided himbo I know and love and I fucking hate it) the show basically erased every mistake marinette ever made under the guise of trauma, when it’s so fucking unfair and biased!

Like, by the show’s logic, if Marinette is justified for all the literal crimes she committed because of trauma, why not Chloe? You can easily just argue that her mom not being there is justification to committing literal crimes!

But the show won’t do that, because Marinette needs to be the good guy and can’t be wrong.

The show had to literally demonize and change characters entirely (boy in Lila episodes and specifically this episode) just to absolve marinette of any fault, and it’s just bad writing!!! The show doesn’t want to admit that marinette is frankly an awful person and will morph the plot around her to prove it!

Because reality is? Shit isn’t black and white! Even if marinette had this awful experience (which I will not minimize) it doesn’t justify the constant hurting and awful things she did to others, just like Chloe’s extremely bad childhood doesn’t justify her hurting and bullying others!

The show yet again just demonized and morphed the plot and characters to justify marinette, in order to make sure she’s always good and always in the right, so that they don’t have to change anything about the story, so they can drag on this show forever to make lots of money.

And frankly? I’m fucking tired of it.

(Also Adrien is officially nothing more then love interest, he’s out-of-character threatening murder on Kim because “marinette deserves people will kill for herrrr”)

[yuyuswrld]

O Captain, My Captain || 2

series intro, chapter 1

characters: connie springer x reader in this chapter, series is various aot boys x reader

notes: this is an explicit series, please do not follow or interact if you’re under 18! also, this chapter is a tad on the technical side of volleyball, so just bear with me here.

content warnings, explicit smut, marijuana consumption, vulgar language

After two straight hours of dealing with his rambling regarding each team member’s techniques and flaws, you sigh in relief as you jot down the last of Armin’s performance review. Finally. You were on the last recording to review. You glance at Eren, shifting your focus from your notebook. Eren’s head rests on a propped-up fist, eyes abstracted by the recording of Jean’s practice match. He’s attractive like this, with his big ass mouth shut and engrossed in reviewing the recordings. As Jean blocks a spike, Eren’s eyes focus in, almost hawk-like, as he pauses the recording. 

“Right there, Jean’s foot crosses the line because he over-corrected after jumping. Looks like the motherfucker’s all talk about how he’s like an impenetrable iron wall,” He mocks, displeasure apparent on his face. “Write in the performance review section that he needs to work on timing and positioning during the one-on-ones.”

“He still blocked the ball, though. I have a hard time thinking that was a timing issue and not just an honest mistake.” 

His icy green eyes catch yours as he looks over in a disapproving manner. Oh god. Strike one, you cringe as you prepare for his oncoming verbal assault. You only had this recording left and you would’ve been able to go home and catch up on your already past-due schoolwork.

“Tell me why you think that.” It’s not polite. It hits you like an icy breeze. But it’s not as aggressive as you were expecting from him. You take a sip from your half-melted drink to clear your throat, thinking about whether you should appease him to go home, or just be honest. The latter wins. Since when were you a pussy? He might be 6’2, but you’ve never been a little bitch in the face of fear.

“Look at the alignment of his foot when he jumps to block. It’s almost like his foot slipped on the uptake, but he still attempted to stop the ball, so he shifted the direction in which his body tilted. During that, you can see his foot cross just barely past the centerline. I don’t think he just over-corrected out of self-doubt.”

“Mistakes like that cost games. It’s something that needs to be drilled out of them, no matter what.” He taps his finger against the coffee shop table as if deep in thought. “You’re right, though. But next time, don’t stick up for Kirschstein. Little shit doesn’t deserve it.”

You chuckle with him, pleasantly shocked at the moment of humor. Had you just misjudged him so much as to assume he was humorless? The gaze you two share holds for a second too long for comfort, silence filling the gaps as you break eye contact and resume what you had been doing before. The dull chatter of others in the coffee shop resumes its ringing as you finish writing down the notes for Coach Levi. Not much later, the screech of a chair sliding out from its place catches you off guard, leaving a harsh mark.

“I’m out. Gotta pick up my baby sister. See ya’.”

Oh. Okay then. 

You glance at your phone, checking on the text you had sent to Connie earlier to ask if he had any weed on hand. Sure enough, a text from Connie from 15 minutes ago. You attempt to speed up the process in which you clean and pack up your items, joyous that you finally have a chance to just relax and hang out with a friend. Grabbing your bag, you head out the coffee shop door and begin the trek to the men’s dorms. 

Connie was a bit of an oddball. His position as an outside hitter was hard for you to wrap your head around at first, considering how many of the sets go past him and to Eren. You even had to ask Armin to explain out of sheer confusion. 

“Connie’s our best all-rounder, just right behind Marco when it comes to receiving. Most of our sets are designated by Coach Levi to go to Eren if Floch and I think it’ll be advantageous. In our two-setter offensive style, both Floch and I prefer to set to him. But Connie being able to catch the enemy’s spikes is invaluable, especially when Marco’s off the court. Not to mention throwing off an enemy team by sending the set to Connie instead and knowing that he’ll hit it no matter what, that’s what makes him a great outsider.”

Despite your first interaction with him where he seemed like a total airhead, he grew on you with the witty jokes he’d make towards Coach and his willingness to help you with mopping the gym after practice. You’re about to text Connie to let him know you arrived just as he opens the door and greets you with an unexpected hug.

“Hey! What’s up?” 

Before you have a chance to respond, he’s tugging you into the elevator shaft, exchanging pleasantries with the men who’re relaxing in the common area. The ride up and walk to his room are both short but filled with small talk between the two of you. It’s about volleyball and how excited everyone is for the state qualifiers, stating how he’s beyond confident that they’ll make it to nationals again.

“Y’know,” Connie says as he digs through his closet to pull out his stash and pipe before packing it in. “I just have a feeling that this is our year. Last year, they benched me for a minor injury when we were competing and that was the worst feeling of my life. Especially watching Eren get all the fuckin’ spotlight,” he states, heating the flower. “Nothing wrong with the guy. Just think that he should spare some pussy for the rest of us.”

There’s no chance to form a response before he has the freshly packed pipe up to your lips, signaling for you to go. After you cough, it feels like you’re ascending for a second. You take one more before slumping against his couch, grabbing the sweet-tart ropes on the living room table.

“Those were supposed to be mine,” He teases, snagging one from the bag you clutch so dearly. “Did ya’ wanna watch anything?” Connie scrolls through Netflix’s catalog, gaze seeming unimpressed with their selection. 

“A horror movie, maybe?” You ask, watching as he flips through to the horror section. Connie settles on The Cabin in the Woods, placing his takeout in his lap before diving in. You watch from your seat next to him, hardly noticing as he begins to scooch in closer once the movie picks up. By the middle of the movie, Connie has finished his food and is sitting too close for comfort, arm now wrapped around you to seem like he isn’t terrified.

“You’re scared shitless, aren’t you?” You tease.

He only rolls his eyes in response before jolting, surged by pure fear from the movie. 

“How the fuck did that not scare you?” Connie asks, his arm on your shoulder almost pulling you onto his lap. You adjust, propping your legs onto his lap to accommodate the closeness.

“Guess I’m just better than you.”

“Is that right?” He questions and turns his head, making you realize the proximity of his lips. You close the gap between you two, lips intertwining like a glass medley. Connie’s hands explore, delicate across the surface of your skin, rippling goosebumps rising from you. The two of you adjust, with you ending up in Connie’s lap, your legs straddling his. 

His fingers move to raise your shirt above your head and you feel so vulnerable in the way his eyes almost eat you alive. He stares for a few moments before fondling them and moving his mouth to caress a nipple with his tongue. The way he laps at them as if you were to disappear at any time has you arching in pleasure, craving the pleasure even more. 

He detaches his mouth to focus his attention on your pants, quickly unbuttoning them and helping you remove them. The second they’re gone, he places a testing swipe to your clit, eyes wide in awe as you let out a pleasured squeak of surprise. He plays with your wet slit for a second before he bottoms the first finger out in you. 

Your hands fly to grip the back of his head, crying out at the pleasurable intrusion. Connie hums in satisfaction, allowing you to grind down on his finger before adding another.

“God, y’re so fuckin’ wet. Ride my fingers, baby.”

His words spur you on, desperate as you try to find release on his fingers. His unoccupied hand moves to your clit, fingers rubbing and moving in ways that have you nearing your limit. Right as you’re about to feel your vision go white, everything stops. You open your eyes to Connie’s face, a cocky smirk plastered all over it. 

“You’re better than me, right? So c’mon and make yourself cum ‘n my cock and we’ll see who’s better.”

Connie temporarily shifts you off of him to remove his pants and underwear, cock springing up as he pulls them off. It’s pretty, veins running across the bottom begging to be touched by your tongue. As you move forward, he stops you.

“No sweetheart, this is all about your pretty face ‘n pussy.”

He places you back in his lap, careful to line you up properly. You gasp at first, feeling the tip intrude, but welcome it as he sinks in. It feels bigger than it looks, catching you off guard with how well it fills you up. As Connie bottoms out, you find yourself once again desperate for release. 

He groans out as you follow the same pattern of grinding and bouncing you did on his fingers. You attempt to reach it, arms placed on his supports to support your riding, sweat beading across your body.

“Want some help?” He teases.

“God, please. Make me cum.”

Connie places his hands on your hips, beginning to thrust into places you weren’t able to hit on your own. His pace is full of fervor as he bounces you up and down, the both of you feeling as if he hits deeper every time you sink all the way back down. His fingers move back to your clit as he continues his pace and you feel the fuzzy feeling returning to your head. 

It’s not much longer before the two of you cum, Connie pulling out and spurting it on your stomach. He smiles at you before speaking.

“Did you want to spend the night and smoke another bowl? We don’t have classes tomorrow.”

[mst3kproject]

Goncharov

Why the hell is an MST3K blog rising from the dead to review a forgotten Martin Scorcese film?  I'd never heard of this movie until it suddenly became a meme, but I had a day off work and I figured I might as well see what all the fuss was about.  Now I want to talk about what I saw, and this is the only movie blog I have, so I'm doing it here.

Ivan Goncharov is the biggest, baddest motherfucker east of the iron curtain, richer than a tsar and colder than a Siberian winter.  He's got a beef with Neapolitan mafioso Mario Giglioli, so he heads to sunny Italy to confront him in person. His closest confidante, Andrey, thinks it's suicide to do this on Giglioli's home turf but accompanies Goncharov anyway out of loyalty. What follows is a two-hour dick-measuring contest as Goncharov and Giglioli try to out-intimidate each other, culminating in an orgy of gunfire where only one will be left standing... and this is the kind of movie where you can't take it for granted that it'll be the guy whose name is the title.

That's the ostensible plot, anyway.  What makes Goncharov a far more interesting film than such an outline might imply is that the argument between the mobsters is just a backdrop.  Having set up Goncharov's hard as steel, cold as ice reputation in the first act, the movie then sets about deconstructing it.  Goncharov goes from a terrifying figure devoid of all morality to a tragic antihero, a man who has come to believe his own hype so completely that he can no longer let himself be human.

This is demonstrated mainly by watching the breakdown of his relationships over the course of the tense three days in Naples.  The most important person in Goncharov's life is Andrey, the only one he comes near being vulnerable with. Their relationship is depicted as very touchy-feely in a literal sort of way, with Andrey helping Goncharov with his coat and shoes, lighting cigarettes for him, and touching his shoulder or arm as Goncharov confides in him.  The framing emphasizes these touches in a very homoerotic way, and I don't think I've got my tumblr goggles on here.  These guys have fucked.

As Goncharov becomes more and more obsessed with being tougher and more ruthless than Giglioli, whom he sees as an effeminate softie, Andrey tries to persuade him that the other man is not worth this sort of obsession.  Whatever Giglioli did to insult Goncharov (we never find out), Andrey is of the opinion that they should just leave a dead horse in the asshole's bed and move on.  Goncharov's pride will not allow him to do that, and the less subtle Andrey is in his attempts to dissuade him, the more Goncharov pushes him away, finally abandoning him entirely.  The tragedy of the ending comes from the fact that Andrey refuses to abandon Goncharov in turn.

We also see Goncharov with his wife Katya.  He is frequently cruel to her, and she tolerates it because he gives her expensive gifts and because she is seeking a vicarious mending of her relationship with her abusive father - she was never able to earn his love, but perhaps she can earn Goncharov's.  This is doomed to failure, as much because of Goncharov as because Katya doesn't actually want it to succeed.  Nursing a black eye, Katya pours her heart out to a bartender, Sofia, who tries to help her escape... but this cannot work out, either.  As Katya herself says, she doesn't know who she is without her issues.

I am pleased to note, by the way, that every single major character in the movie is named and I can remember them all, which is a bit of a treat for me (I need to watch good movies more often).  The only exception is Goncharov himself.  The end credits list him as Ivan, but nobody ever calls him that, not even Andrey or Katya.  In a flashback scene with his parents, neither calls him by name.  This flashback, fascinatingly, is filmed in the first person, looking through Goncharov's own eyes.  We are not allowed to see him as a younger, softer man.  He refuses to show that side of himself even in the privacy of his memories.

These quieter moments contrast with scenes of ever-escalating brutality, as the Russians and Italians try to force each other to back down by the murder of underlings.  The fact that it is literally a contest, and that Goncharov is aware of this and describes it as such, makes the worsening violence ever more meaningless.  The death of Giglioli's confessor is particularly awful, and the way Goncharov's goons treat the chapel has to be ten times worse if you're Catholic (fun fact: this scene is apparently removed from the Italian version on Netflix, which must make what Andrey says while waiting for the train into a hell of a non sequitur).

At the climax, the two really can't do anything but kill each other, because it's the only place left to go.  Giglioli's priest and mistress are dead.  Goncharov's men are almost all dead or out of action, and Goncharov believes Andrey to be dead.  The initial insult, whatever it was, is no longer relevant.  They have pushed each other to a place where reconciliation is unthinkable.  Whoever blinks first loses, but both have already lost so much that victory means nothing.  Worse, each recognizes that the other is in the same position, and neither can acknowledge it.

This means Goncharov can also moonlight as an examination of violence in media.  Why do movies showcase violence, and why do we watch it?  The initial posturing serves a purpose - Goncharov wants Giglioli to know he's here to personally demand an apology, and Giglioli wants Goncharov to know he's outnumbered and should quit while he still can.  But once it becomes an exercise in one-up-manship, the 'messages’ vanish and the men are now killing for the sake of killing.  Violence in movies can often be gore for gore's sake, pulling out more and more stops in the effort to shock an audience that has been desensitized by years and years of this.  That is what Goncharov and Giglioli are doing to each other.  Truly distressing moments like the fate of the priest, or what Giuseppe "Icepick Joe" Cozzolino (dressed as a maid!) does to Sofia when he assumes she's Katya because she was in Katya's hotel room, make us wonder why we're watching this - and the mobsters wonder why they're doing it.

In the end, it's all just a blood-soaked version of the sunk cost fallacy.  Goncharov had come too far in his vendetta to stop now.  Andrey has followed him too far to turn back.  Katya has been married to him too long to leave.  Of course, any of them could quit at any time and escape from this terrible spiral, but they are unwilling to entertain the possibility.  Like Goncharov himself, Andrey and Katya are prisoners of the identities they have built for themselves, and because their identities are so tied to him, they have to go down with him.

One thing I haven't seen a lot of discussion of on tumblr is the way the film uses the contrast in climate.  Goncharov in Moscow is in his element.  When you see his breath in the wintry air it's as if he's breathing smoke like a dragon.  While other people huddle in the cold he stands up straight and tall.  In Naples, on the other hand, he is out of place.  He wears lighter clothing, but continues to choose long coats and upturned collars, while Giglioli goes around with his shirt unbuttoned.  This should serve to emphasize Giglioli's home field advantage and yet, as we see through Goncharov's eyes, they just make Giglioli look soft.  His apparent weakness makes Goncharov want to appear even stronger.

On a related note, it is interesting to me how sunlight is treated as something very unfriendly.  In Russia, it glitters on ice crystals in the air and lights up condensation, harsh and white and giving no warmth whatsoever.  In Italy it bakes and shimmers on stone and asphalt, casting harsh, black-edged shadows and emphasizing creased brows and frowning mouths.  Outdoor scenes are, as far as I can tell, always hostile interactions.  Even indoor scenes in natural light: the priest dies with harsh sunlight streaming in through the broken chapel window.  When characters are softer with each other, it is always under artificial illumination.  Sunlight is too bright, too revealing.  People like this need some shadows to hide in.

Did I like this movie?  That's a tough question.  It's not really the type of movie you 'like'.  It's definitely powerful and well-constructed, thoroughly absorbing and all that.  There's a taste of Greek tragedy in the inevitability of the ending and the way Goncharov is eaten alive by hubris.  But I wouldn't say I liked it.  The characters are all terrible people whose arcs involve them getting worse, and the whole thing feels deeply claustrophobic, as if I, too, am trapped in Goncharov's downward spiral.  When characters realize their mistakes, it is only when it's too late to correct them - but only in their own minds.  It's a very pessimistic story, about human beings who are overcome by the very worst parts of themselves.

Is Goncharov deserving of all those glowing reviews?  Yes.  Was it unfairly snubbed at the Oscars because the academy was turned off by the violence?  Probably.  Will I ever watch it again?  Fuck, no.

Excuse me, I have to go watch some Pixar movies if I ever want to smile again.

[xtarotdollx]

Attempting one of those long ass literary analysis posts because my friends have told me I should please enjoy this long ass ramble

Okay so like Jekyll creating Hyde is itself a crime right? Like it is it’s a horrifying event filled with body horror and pain like Jekyll creating the potion and creating Hyde is an objectively Bad Thing ™ but like why??? Jekylls motivations for doing so are both sympathetic and relatable (and intentionally so) so why are his actions considered the literal original sin of his story?? Anyway I was bored and fucked around and found an answer and I need to share it because fuck me I can’t be normal about Jekyll.

Anyway review time our buddy Jekyll is sad gay and alone and comes to the conclusion that people contain multitudes. And I say multitudes because Jekyll himself admits in his own research that there’s more to his theory and than just good and evil,

“I say two, because the state of my knowledge does not pass beyond that point.”

“… I hazard guess that man will be ultimately known for a mere polity of multifarious, incongruous, and independent denizens.”

and that he splits himself into good and evil because that’s what he’s most familiar with (aka it’s the split that he can use for his own benefit.) But like, homeboy was kinda on to something. The idea that humans are complex and multifaceted with multiple conflicting ideas and identities has been a thing across psychology and even whole cultures for like forever, and considering that Jekyll and Hyde was written around and about the the creation of the psychology as a scientific field, Jekyll is has (for lack of a better word) discovered something very profound, important, and massively influential to the world around him. And positivity influential to!! It’s that iconic quote “if each could be housed in different Identities, the world would be relieved of all that is unbearable” I think he’s getting ahead of himself here and kinda self projecting but there is very real truth to the idea that studying the difference facets of human identity could improve people and society. And even if he’s dead fucking wrong still putting out the information would end up benefiting societies collective knowledge. Kinda like how Freud was so influential to psychology because some of his theories were so buck wild and wrong that people had to come and correct him, widening the scientific field as a whole.

And Jekyll doesn’t do that. This life altering information is kept to himself, for his own personal use, benefit, and pleasure. And that’s so fucking wild and horrific for so many fucking reasons. Like it goes against so many rules of behavior it’s FOUL. First of the selfishness and gate keeping is inherently just cruel, but this man is a DOCTOR, and a SCIENTIST. This motherfucker took an OATH BEFORE GOD to provide the best care to the people, and now that care, or at least information that could lead to better care, is being squandered for personal gain. That’s fucked. That’s criminal activity right there.

But also I dare you to find me a scientist that doesn’t want to share their research and passion THERE IS NONE. I may be basing this analysis off of a stereotype but I believe it’s a stereotype based in reality but isn’t this the very thing people who go into fields of science and research do??? Like, they are unified by their desire to explore and SHARE knowledge??? Even if like the Jekyll wasn’t a professional doctor with his Hippocratic oath just doing things for shits and giggles, how is the goal not to tell people about this?? This doctor isn’t doctoring the way doctors should. Jekyll keeping his discoveries to himself is also just borderline non human behavior to me because who actually in real life does that. Again how is the end goal not to share this discovery? Humans are social creatures we want to share things. Swapping stories around a campfire is like the oldest human tradition ever. If you’re out in the woods and see a cool frog the immediate reaction is to call your friends over to look, or take a picture, or something similar. WHEN I THINK OF NEW WAYS TO VIEW AND INTERPRET JEKYLL ANS HYDE, THE IMMEDIATE THOUGHT IS TO SHARE IT WITH MY FRIENDS. I cannot FATHOM how secrecy is Jekyll’s immediate desire as a fellow human who lives on this earth.

And this actually slots in with really well with Jekyll and Hyde as a social critique of the upper class. Keeping super important info to yourself is NOT a human activity in any capacity, but it is an institutional one. The best thing I can think of to describe and compare it to is oil companies history of actively suppressing information about climate change to stay in business. It’s a modern example but I feel so deeply that there is an 1800s equivalent that I just can’t think of or don’t know in this moment. But the point is, Jekyll isn’t a person (metaphorically speaking), he’s a institution of wealth and power doing what large institutions do best, profiting off of the the control and suppression of the people below them, in this case the control of information.

But of course, Jekyll literally speaking, is a person. He’s just some guy, and seeing a very very human character act without any human instinct so casually is freaky and 10/10 horror. Jekyll’s creation of Hyde isn’t a crime or a sin because Hyde is an evil thing that will do evil things, it’s horrifying because Jekyll’s choice to do so is inhumane in every definition of the word thank you for coming to my TedTalk have a nice day

[satanstrousers]

A (mostly) Spoiler Free Veilguard Review! I did my best to avoid too many specifics, but also Read More for people who want to know nothing at all.

First, thoughts on all the companions:

Harding - Kind of a surprise to see when she was announced but I really liked her! They built out her story in a really fun way, I romanced her as a dwarf and her story is perfect for that.

Neve - Someone really cooked with the concept of Neve Gallus, but she as a character didn't really grow on me until the last act. Also her hat is stupid in a way that I just can't get over.

Bellara - I'm not gonna lie, I almost forgot to include her on this list. She's incredibly sweet, but I found myself falling asleep during her story. Super basic, super boring, but I saw that based on some decisions she can really grow in the last act, so maybe a second playthrough will have me see her in a kinder light.

Lucanis - What if we took Ezio Auditore and made him an awkward short king wife guy with a special interest in knives and coffee? Super fun, but I did traumatize him a little early on. :/

Emmrich - Undefeated. Far and away the best character Dragon Age has ever come up with and it's not even close. Manfred sweep.

Davrin - Listen, I love Griffons as much as the next guy, but Davrin was not an instant favorite. They rely a lot on Assan to carry his story at the beginning slow-play a lot of the sweeter parts until halfway, and even after I think there was way more that they could've explored with him (unfortunately a pretty consistent theme with DA characters). I did enjoy him in the second half, but I did him dirty, so I'm hoping the next time is a little better.

Taash - Genuinely would be the favorite if Emmrich wasn't around. Two character beats that have a common theme of accepting yourself, I thought it was very beautifully done and something I'm sure many people playing will relate to. Taash is like opposite-Karlach personality-wise and I mean that in the most affectionate way to both characters.

Ok spoiler free Plot:

Solas is a motherfucker in ways previously thought unachievable by one man, and the game knows it.

Seriously though, the best part of this game is Solas. Truly I can't remember the last time a video game made me hate someone as much as I hate Solas, and this game knows it. If you hated this dude in the first game, and you felt like things went a little unresolved, Veilguard has got you covered. If you hate him, you'll get to show it, and if you love him........ Well I hope you guys have a very happy life together far away from us.

Overall the story is... Fine? Its basically 70 hours of waiting to tell a couple gods to go fuck themselves. There's a lot of really fun moments and beats, but the connective tissue is the same as its always been in Bioware games.

Overall, combat and UI is a definite improvement over Inquisition but god I should hope so after 10 years. Dialog is pretty impressive and definitely made me feel by the end that the members of the Veilguard were actually friends. The pacing.... Is terrible. You're either doing nonsense side missions and fighting the same enemy 100 times, or blasting through the story at breakneck speed. They managed to do a pretty good job with returning characters, but if you're not HEAVILY invested in the series the moments where *insert character from previous game* appears feel like they're waiting for an applause break.

Final Review:

8/10 if you're a longtime Dragon Age fan

6/10 if you're just jumping in (which is insane this series is fully inaccessible if you haven't at least played Inquisition.)

[kaythefloppa]

Wild Kratts - Fish Out of Water Review [Spoilers]

April is finally here, and with it, three new episodes have been released on the PBS Kids Video App ahead of their release. At the time I'm posting this, it is midnight and the one hour special "Our Blue and Green World" is yet to air on televison and streaming, so I will get to that when I get to that. Given that I have already reviewed No Name Dream and Backpack the Camel, I'll give a review to this episode as well. Spoiler warning and opinions ahead under the cut

First New York, then Hawaii, and now a goddamn University on the list of areas I would never expect these guys to film. Bros are everywhere.

As someone who is about to graduate high school, I feel IMMENSELY jealous of the college students who saw the motherfucking Kratt Brothers filming an episode on campus. I can already begin to see the floods of social media posts bragging about this on Tumblr and Twitter threads.

Ok I feel bad for being a bit salty earlier, I actually think it's really sweet how these people outside of the show can share their interests and expertise in biology and physics to help children educate. The entire live-action opening where they study the locomotion of mudskippers is honestly really sweet, and we haven't even gotten to our main animal yet!

God these are such cute animals. But beyond that, the term "fish out of water" could not be a more fitting title. They have joints like we do, can adapt to different environments, and can swim and climb like we can. This is probably my favorite live action segment because of how well structured the clips and movements are and just how fun it is seeing these little blorbs move around the place.

I should talk about how it took us half a decade to see a mudskipper on the show, and 13 years overall to get a focus episode, but so far, up to a great start and definitely worth waiting (for the most part).

Oh so is it like the Hermit Crab episode where in all of the official releases they leave out the determiner but in the actual episode it's there? This has no overall bearing on the episode but I just felt the need to point it out.

I should check off on my S7 bingo card about seeing the old inventions again because holy shit it's been almost a decade since we saw the Butterflier XT

Also can anyone identify those butterflies? I know for a FACT that those motherfuckers aren't monarchs because of their patterns (the only pattern variation in butterflies is sex-linked, and while I'm aware they live in Asia, this again, does not look like a match) but they also aren't viceroys because they lack the line around their wings. I only ask this to bring up my next point.

I thought the Butterfly Disc we saw in Season 1 was specifically programmed based off of Monarch Butterflies. But as established (until proven wrong), these are not monarch butterflies. So unless Aviva retrofitted or reprogrammed the disc to be multi-familial, as in they can touch any butterfly regardless of classification and activate accordingly (like with the Crocodile, Dragonfly, and Gecko Discs), the activation should not work. I only ask this because while it seems miniscule, Chris' decision to bring out the disc is what sets off the plot - It's what causes him to loose the discs in the butterfly swarm, so I feel like, while not a critique, it's a legitimate question as to the direct programming of the discs vs. the animals used to activate.

Man, Zach wasn't even in this episode and somehow they STILL lose their discs? (Actually, I am pleasantly surprised that they didn't take the opportunity to have this be a Zach-related episode).

You think they'd put a tracker on the collection or encode a chip the actual discs so that they wouldn't get lost this easily. This again, sounds like a nitpick, but earlier seasons set up a firewall for the Creature Power Discs and a tracking device/rocket-device on the Creature Power Suits and gloves because of how frequent these types of contingiences are, so there's really no excuse for this.

(Suck my ass PBS Kids Video App, I'm still able to get high quality snips even with your bullshit formatting!!!)

They really went all out with the "other-wordly" vibe that the mudskippers' territory gave off. Once again, we waited two years for this to be put to animation and to see come air.

I've made enough jokes around these situations in the show, so I think we'd all benefit if I just changed the subject: That front-facing mudskipper is fucking hilarious.

*Martin's voice* - Slimy Skin-breathers!

Okay, but I actually did not know that. At all. Even 10 years later, this show is still teaching me new things about animals in the most beautfully unexpected ways. This is one of the many reasons I will never give up on the show.

[Unexpected angst in bagging area - Also, with the inclusion of No Name Dream, which will air two days before this episode, that brings our Krangstt quota to #2]

Okay so I really like the set-up here, and it genuinely was a surprise seeing Jimmy angst in this episode as a subplot in a series that rarely operates on A-plots and B-plots (unless you count the villains' schemes which are usually just A^2 plots) like most shows. And as someone who legitimately was going through rough times (S7 was actually one of my few reasons to keep going), I heavily related to Jimmy. So yeah, a Jimmy angst episode? Can totally buy. What I'm not gonna buy is how they execute it with the ending, because that and the implications.... yikes...

C'mon! "Mudspitter" was right there! Right there!

Ok, here is where my main problem with this episode's subplot is. If I could boil it down to one word, it would be: Incomplete. Jimmy feeling inadequate based on an observation he made is one thing. Him immediately leaving afterwards on a whim moments after said observation is completely another and doesn't align that well.

Like, this would only work if Jimmy had attempted to be a fish "IN" water. If he tried to help Aviva and Koki with the data-research and inventing, but he failed, and they politely turned him down. Or if there was any basis as to why he suddenly disregards his piloting skills or teleporting, whether he doesn't care or doesn't think them to be enough for him to fit in. Like, he wants to be in on the action because some part of him doesn't feel like sitting around by the teleporter is enough. What I'm saying is, there is no pathos. I personally find it to be relatable, but on a narrative level, it doesn't work. I know the "character feeling left out so they leave" thing is cliche'd, but there's a reason it's a cliche, and that's because it follows a lot of writing beats that this particular episode doesn't, so on top of being cliche'd as fuck to begin with, it feels very awkward. And this is going to be apparent both here and in this episode's climax (which I also do not have many kind words for,) so I had to use my allotted time to talk about why this doesn't work.

Could... could they not call him on his Creaturepod? Could the brothers not call him on his Pod? Did he even have his Creaturepod?? Again, there are so many plot-holes in this B-story that could've easily been written around with a change of dialogue or scenery. Have Jimmy's Creaturepod be shown left lying around which makes them realize they have no way of getting him back to the teleporter in time. Jimmy would have no reason to even bring his Creaturepod on his adventure, so that just raises even more questions. Like, this isn't an active diss on the writers, but I think there should've been more proof-reading of the script since this is a massive oversight.

I think now is the time for me to bring up this question I've had for years now; How exactly does the teleporter work? In several episodes, we've seen that there is a coordinate code in the teleporter that allows it to be sent to the target. Koki's "the communication queen" as Aviva puts it, so she'd likely be able to triangulate the brothers' location. So I'm not sure why the show presents this as a struggle for Koki. This isn't the only example, so I won't hold it against the episode, (they have this be the case specifically to emphasize the point that they need Jimmy, which I can forgive) but it's another piece of lore that I should probably theorize about lmao.

Also

YOU HAVE LITERALLY TELPORTED THE CREATURE POWER DISCS FOUR TIMES.

TWO OF THOSE TIMES BEING IN A ROW.

AND ONE OF THEM WAS FOUR EPISODES AGO IN THIS EXACT SAME SEASON.

This whole episode spent the past five minutes making its main characters look incredibly idiotic for the sake of its B plot.

Once again, this episode's spitting facts that I didn't even know.

This is actually a neat seguay, having the brothers figure out the abilities of the mudskippers while exercising their own cool abilities. It feels really natural, and again, is an inventive way to show off the locomotive abilities of the mudskipper.

I feel like this falls very well between "accurate enough to be admirable" and "uncanny." I can (maybe on my deathbed) get used to this suit's design (though I'm partly glad Chris doesn't activate it because spoilers, he doesn't).

I've given this subplot a lot of flack, but credit where it's due, even with its misses, it does hit with the emotional beats.

Very conflicted on this:

On one hand, Jimmy actually taking the initiative to miniaturize is pretty ballsy. The show, despite not being serialized, does develop its characters in a way that you can sense a clear difference of them when you compare the modern seasons to the earlier ones. And this can be seen as a positive development for Jimmy, since it's his "Creature Adventure."

On the other hand.... back to what I was saying about consistency. Why did Jimmy bring the miniaturizer?? What was his prompting?? Was he planning on shrinking himself down the whole time? Like, he left his friends for god knows how much time and is now out of nowhere shrinking himself down to fish size because he feels inadequate? Uhm, Jimmy, ever heard the idea of therapy?

Also, again, very weird presentation of the episode. They don't at all put any attention to Jimmy's coms and whether or not he has them, (which would easily solve a bigger issue of why he's not contacted), yet they have him carry the Miniaturizer with him. Now, the latter is plot-relevant, but so could've been something about the Creaturepod.

This [from what I interpret] gets Jimmy out of his slump, making his "scientific discovery." Not realizing that his job of piloting and teleporting are equally important. Again, this is structured poorly. I like what they were going for, but it shouldn't have been the only thing that altered the trajectory of this subplot. Again, he can teleport discs to the brothers and pilot and while those are mentioned later on, it's not something he comes to himself in an "oh shit" moment. So this just feels unearned and weird. I really hate how harsh I am, since it's a Jimmy centric episode and it was the #1 requested thing on all the chat-boards during the hiatus, but this is one of those things where it has to be done right if at all. This isn't done right, and the fact that it takes up 50% of the episode just... ugh.

You can't tell it through screenshots but with the way Aviva says it and the scene cutting to her and Koki laughing at it, I'm 98% inclined that this was a specific innuendo, and ngl, I kinda laughed too.

Oh look, it's Kenge's cousin! [For you Lion Guard fans that also recognize Wild Kratts] - [I was inclined to make a reference to Jessie, but that felt in bad taste considering y'know]

Ok, but that has to be an Asian water monitor. Correct me if I'm wrong. What I'm definitely not wrong about is that their bites contain venom; To a human it's not lethal, however to small prey, including mudskippers, or anything around that size, it's lights out. So yeah, Chris and Martin are fucked.

Ok this line is absolutely badass.

Also, grey?? Grey?? I thought Jimmy's signature color was orange/yellow? Or red with the implication of the tail episode? Great, now there's another color that'll be in the debates for his future Creature Power Suit.

Once again, this arc feels weirdly put together. This notion comes up specifically at the climax when it should come up beforehand as Jimmy realizes his worth. Because otherwise, it gives the implication that he knew this all along and yet still felt like a fish out of water, which doesn't mesh together properly (it could, if the episode actually tried to do so which it didn't).

The episode, Sea Otter Swim, does this plot so much better. We see Jimmy's doubts, and we see how he overcomes said doubts in a way that is presented clear to the audience, and the climax where he actually realizes what he's capable of feels earned. This is not earned. So even though I am rooting for him to win, this whole thing just feels messy.

So is nobody gonna ask why Jimmy left his post? Is Jimmy not gonna tell everyone why he left, or at the very least ask why nobody bothered to call for him? Is nobody going to at least let Jimmy know that he can't just... abandon his post without warning because of the fact that they need him? Is Jimmy not going to come to that conclusion himself? Is anything in this episode gonna be earned??

This entire ending feels like an ass-pull: First off, Jimmy and the brothers had enough time to head back to the miniaturizer and then the Tortuga, and in none of that time, did Jimmy ever give them the Power Discs? Why? Yes, it was for the sake of the fake-out defeat/joke, but was there any reason why Jimmy just kept the thing hidden waiting to give it to the brothers?

The entire emotional climax to this episode is basically everyone putting Jimmy on a pedestal. It's unsatisfying because there wasn't any acknowledgement or follow up to Jimmy's conflict at the beginning, nor is the lesson learned in the right way, and the conclusion just overreacts by hyping up Jimmy instead of just having a reasonable "We're a team!" thing, or through any self-actualization of his good qualities that Koki pointed out. None of it, friggin' none of this is earned! Now it comes across as Jimmy being uncharacterstically boastful and cocky and the others just kissing his arse. That's probably not the intent but it was the result.

That is actually like, so fucking cool. I have massive respect for all of these people, like legitimately (also, considerning that's the exact opposite of what Zach does on an ethics scale, I find that really interesting). But beyond that, I think this episode has the best live action segments ever, they are so ingenuitive. I could easily see someone at my high school showing a clip of this episode in robotics' or biology class.

CONCLUSION:

PROS:

The live action segments.

The info dumps about the mudskippers.

The Kratt Brother's adventure with the mudskippers.

The animation

The background music (a lot of which is recycled from earlier seasons)

CONS:

Everything else (specifically the B plot). I feel like the writers wanted to give Jimmy his own storyline, either out of interest or seeing how popular the character was in chat-boards, but they didn't know how to do it so they just went through the motions without really connecting anything at all, so it's a lot harder relating to the exact conflicts in some cases, and you feel disatisfied by the cimax. It reminds me of what they did with Vitani in the Lion Guard finale, a case of giving this one character the spotlight, but hitting all of the wrong marks that does the character and the audience a disservice and leaves a bitter taste in the viewer's mouth by the end credits.

This is the first episode this season that has made me cringe, primarily off of its premise, not just a particular scene, a dated pop culture reference, or a weird-looking Power Suit. It is the first to make me cringe because of its story, which again, the B-plot takes up 50% of the episode, so it's constantly in your face. It's definitely not bad, not hateable bad, and it's far too early in the season to call it the worst, and there are definitely worse episodes out there, ones that have aired and ones that probably will inevitably air, but I can safely say, thus far, it's the one Wild Kratts episode that I enjoy, but only to an extent. The live action segments were by far the only thing that I got extremely engaged in, but other than that, and the other pros, it's not that good.

Final Ranking: 6/10: Above Average, but Needed Improvement.

[staffs-secret-blog]

Hello Tumblr Staff, I just want to start off by saying, I respect and appreciate your work, but this is infuriating. I have been looking forward to the Genshin Impact Characters 2022 year in review board ALL YEAR only to find it is completely inaccurate! Not only is Childe two places lower than he should be, but Albedo IS NOT THE MOST POPULAR CHARACTER YOU DUMBFUCKS HAVE YOU EVEN PLAYED GENSHIN BEFORE YOU FUCKING IDIOTS?! ALBEDO IS FUCKING TERRIBLE AND SCARA SCARA NEEDED TO BE HIGHER AS WELL YOU ARE COMPLETELY BULLSHITTING THIS THIS IS BIASED YOU BOTCHED THE RANKING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS YOU ARE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, AWFUL, MY LIFE IS RUINED BECAUSE OF YOU. YOu ARE TERRIBLE. ANd ZHONGLI SHOuLD HAVE ALSO BEEN HIGHER I DEMAnd THAT YOU RECOUNT I DEMAND IT. DEAR TUMBLR STAFF YOU HAVE MADE THE WORST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE, AND IF YOU DO NOT FIX IT, IT WILL BE THE LAST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE.

With love and care, Childe's Number One Fan <33

Of course I haven't played genshin I'm not a dork ass loser

[thanx-files]

IT’S SEASON FINALE TIME, MOTHERFUCKERS

s01e24: Erlenmeyer Flask

Well folks. Just short of a week after starting the series, I find myself at the end of season 1. It’s been SO LONG since I watched this kind of show, and I am so psyched. I am expecting big things. Thoughts and review below the cut! ⬇️

Listen folks, this is a chaotic series of bullet points that might not mean anything to anyone who isn’t me. There IS a coherent review of the finale/season at the end, if you’re interested. Just scroll, I guess.

THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING:

The way Mulder is always watching campy horror movies is so fucking endearing.

“No. I think he does it because you do.” SCULLY WITH THE SLAM DUNK FROM DOWNTOWN!!! Get his ass!!!

I still don’t know where we are going.

AW SHIT A WHITE VAN JUST ROLLED UP? At least Mulder clocked it. Oh, shit, wait, he’s following it. Fuck.

OH MY GOD. OHHHHHH MY GOD. IT’S A DUDE FARM.

Someone who isn’t Mulder said EXTRATERRESTRIAL out loud!!! To Scully!!!

DID MULDER JUST VAULT THAT FENCE?

Oh shit they weren’t clones?????? I thought I knew what was up!!!

THEY KILLED ANNE?????? IT’S REALER THAN IT HAS EVER BEEN BEFORE!!!!!!

AW SHIT THEY GOT MY BOY!!!

I have NEVER heard the phrase “log in” applied to an actual physical log sheet before this exact moment.

Real question: is this where the “trust no one” trope originated? Is that too broad a warning to be a trope at all?

“I’m not gonna give up. I can’t give up. Not as long as the truth is out there.”

REVIEW:

Let me be so real with you all: This is not my favorite episode of The X-Files so far. It felt scattered, but I admit that I think that is kind of the point. Everything escalated so quickly and got so far out of hand. Mulder and Scully are also out-of-sync, and we see some of the first real conflict between them — more than just “Mulder this is silly” and “Scully why can’t you believe?” — and I think that’s going to make their dynamic stronger going forward. Also, I am HOPING that we get to see more of Scully navigating the idea of belief after this.

Also, David’s delivery of the whole phone conversation is really good. It’s kind of mesmerizing. Mulder never talks like that; it’s like he’s trying so hard to sound normal, but the ground just shifted beneath him.

Anyway, while I didn’t feel super strongly about Erlenmeyer Flask, I feel really strongly about the season as a whole. We are introduced to these characters in such a way that we never doubt their motivations or their relationship for a SECOND. From the moment they meet, we know that they are all-in not only on the job, but on each other. This should be studied for science! I’ve never bought into characters so instantaneously. And I’ll stay bought in for as long as the character writing stays this strong; aliens, I can take or leave. But whatever these two have going on is addictive.

5 favorite eps: Deep Throat (Scully kicks some ASS), Squeeze (gosh the nest scene still fucks with me), Conduit (sad boy hours), Ice (Mulder and Scully point guns at each other!), and Beyond the Sea (need I say more?).

5 least favorite eps: Ghost in the Machine, Eve, Lazarus, Shapes, Roland.

Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for welcoming me into this fan space that’s so much fun even 30 years after the premiere! See ya in season 2!

[minijenn]

Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: The Bad Guys

So this is yet another Dreamworks movie I've heard nothing but good things about but just never got around to watching for some reason or another. And now that I have watched it, all I can say is what the fuck how did I sleep on this absolute gem of a film for so long???? Its so good, ya'll, SO damn good! So let's get into all of the many reasons why!

The Bad Guys are a group of infamous criminals, made up of the cunning Snake, master of disguise Shark, loose-canon Piranha, hacker Tarantula, and the leader of the pack, Wolf. After getting caught attempting to pull of a daring heist, the Bad Guys pretend to work on going good to pull off an even greater heist... until Wolf begins to wonder if being good might not be so bad after all.

So let me just say, the plot here is brilliant. Like seriously, there were some twists and turns here (especially toward the end) that had me YELLING over how genuis they were. It's extremely tightly crafted, sharply written, and pulled together by an incredibly charming cast that you just love to watch. It's a thrilling ride from start to end and I was excited to see where it would go next with every new scene.

The characters, like I said, are really great! Wolf is a really well-developed lead who goes through a pretty compelling arc, same with Snake (seriously, the fakeout with him toward the end had me in awe, what a total pro) and a good deal of the drama in the film lies between those two. The other Bad Guys are a bit less in focus, but they're still really fun and all play off each other really well too. Also, Diane, the governor??? Holy shit ya'll? She's AMAZING. Not gonna spoil the twist involving her but let me just say she is so damn COOL like oh my god.

This movie does attempt a twist villain but like... idk Marmalade isn't really that much of a twist villain? From the moment he showed up I said to myself "oh, he's the villain isn't he?" and I was proven right, but like... the reveal of how he set the Bag Guys up from the very start was so clever that I couldn't even be upset about it. This tiny motherfucker played them up until the very end where he finally got his comeuppance. Good villain. Not the best, but still, pretty good.

The humor here is pretty fun, with some jokes that genuinely had me laughing out loud. Of course, it couldn't quite help itself with a few fart jokes here and there, which... ermmm aren't quite my up of tea. Still, it balances that humor out well with some pretty compelling drama and a lot of heart that really helps to engage you in the story they're telling here.

Also the animation??? Oh my GOD the way this movie looks is INSANE. Like, just the character designs alone are so fresh and interesting compared to what Dreamworks has done in the past. There's this overall stylization to this movie that's very sharp and unique, and it just makes it a feast for the eyes. The way the characters move too, very fast and snappy, as if they're 2-d characters instead of 3-d. Lots of exagerrated motions and facial expressions, it's all very silly, yes, but it works so well with the tone this movie is trying to pull off.

So yeah, I hella loved this one. I'm so mad at myself for not watching this when it first came out, because its such a joy ride from start to finish. So stylish, so witty, so engaging, and so fun! I had a great time with The Bad Guys, and if you haven't seen it yet, you should, because chances are, you will too.

Rating: 9/10

Verdict: IS THAT FUCKING KINGDOM HEARTS????

Previous Review (The Boss Baby: Family Business)

Next Review (Puss in Boots: The Last Wish)

[pancakeke]

When orders are late our sales team assigns delay reasons so we can review the data later, but there are no mechanisms in this process to ensure the sales team is entering legitimate reasons. So these motherfuckers lie constantly and pin whatever they want on my team (supply chain). Getting blamed for delays negatively affect my team's KPIs btw.

I was tasked with creating a report that identified the last item picked to every late order that my team was being held responsible for. My boss hoped this would make it easier for us to review these orders and identify which among them had additional components added long after order entry (meaning it's bullshit to blame supply chain for not purchasing the stuff at time of order entry).

I had a suspicion that verifying these delays could be even simpler than that. So I made the report but also threw in what order promise dates should have been based on component lead times, what the sales team *actually* used for promise dates, what organization was responsible for the late components (us or the customer), and if the order was actually fucking late (among other things).

A significant number of orders ignored component lead times and used unrealistic promise dates, or were pulled in despite components being unavailable. This means that SALES is responsible for those orders shipping late since they entered or edited the orders incorrectly. There were also a bunch of orders held up by customer supplied components, which are managed by the sales team and not supply chain.

Dumbest of all, some orders were pulled in but then immediately returned to their original promise dates. Despite that these orders were NEVER delayed and their final ship dates were NOT late, sales felt the need to ding my team. Fuck off.

[cadybear420]

Cadybear's Reviews- Endless Summer

Welcome to the sixth official Cadybear's Reviews post! Today I'll be talking about Endless Summer, which I have ranked on the "Diamond Tier" at 10 stars out of a possible 10. My last and only playthrough of this series was back in July-August 2021.

Compelling story, choices that matter (I think), memorable fun characters… what’s not to love? 

What especially stands out to me is the juxtaposition of what seems like a fun summer vacation trip turning into the motherfucking apocalypse. And it is unapologetically brutal about it, and in a damn good way too. And the three different endings are great in that they each have their own unique benefits and consequences (except Rourke’s ending, which has only consequences and only tricks you into thinking it’s all benefits). 

The characters were all memorable, being one of those few series where the larger cast works in the story’s favor. Craig and Zahra are probably my favorites and definitely a beloved couple for me– most memorable for me was the scene in Book 3 when Craig saw Zahra’s decoy skeleton, streak of maroon hair and all, and screamed and broke down. Like, that actually shook me to my core. And how we saw Craig’s vulnerable side in that scene and how he cares so much about Zahra??? I love them so much, your honor! 

I played this one without spending any diamonds, and contrary to popular belief, I did find the story easy to follow. You definitely miss out on a lot of lore, but you can still understand what is happening. I did, however, dislike that dating your love interest is basically paywalled– but in fairness, it does feel a little more authentic to have it be determinant on your relationship score with them. 

I think the only thing I have any real problem with is that… I don’t remember the relationship scores having a lot of effects on the story, other than a series of events in the last chapter of Book 1… but it has been a while since I last played this, so yeah. Also, Raj should have been a LI. 

And side note, forgive me if I’m soapboxing for a bit, but let us not forget that this is the first official GOC MC book (MW and TCATF, though they have both a f!MC and a m!MC, are technically more dual-MC stories) and I think it’s worth bringing up any time someone tries to defend pointless genderlocking. GOC isn’t a new thing for Choices– or even for PB in general, as HSS Prime and HWU both had GOC MCs. While early Choices did have a handful of genderlocked books too, it has also regularly had GOC stories. And it’s the only of these kinds of apps that regularly has had and still has GOC stories, whereas the rest are 99% genderlocked (and wlm-locked) stories. Bottom line, people aren’t demanding more GOC out of nowhere or out of some “misogynistic male entitlement”. 

Overall, a brilliant series.

[marley-manson]

okay the full review in a pros and cons list lol

pros:

uh my ship canon. i win, motherfuckers. fuckin 15 year old me was right this whole time, as always, but it's nice to see it acknowledged for once.

the confession scene also just kicked ass tbh

i gotta admire the cheekiness of the back and forth hesitant phrasing of their relationship, eg crowley referring to '...us' and aziraphale's 'i need you!' 'we can be together' etc until finally crowley just runs back to kiss him

and you know aziraphale was about to say 'i love you' before cutting himself off <3

touching his lips after too <3

the reasons for the break up felt reasonable to me and justified with the season's flashbacks to crowley questioning things and aziraphale's resistance

some pretty funny jokes, i laughed outloud a few times

michael sheen and david tennant do have excellent chemistry

never gonna say no to side lesbians even if they were incredibly bland

i think the way it was structured like a fanfic was a pro honestly lol. the plot sucked, i don't care about it, so it's nice that the story itself also doesn't care

amnesiac gabriel was endearing

crowley not kiling goats was cute

ty tennant was in it for about a minute and spent that minute hitting on aziraphale and it was fucking bonkers

no het

like i think job and his wife may have literally been the sole exception including like references to offscreen spouses lmao, i'm v impressed, and if this is penance for last season then i forgive.

i thought it was cute that gaiman incorporated the song he wanted for season 1 into this season as a plot point

beelzebub's new actor was so much better. and the flies were somehow kinda cute, i'll give the gabriel/beelzebub ship that.

good old fashioned lover boy. we all wanted it, they gave it to us, i appreciate it

here's my review: gay enough

cons:

mostly sucked as like, a narrative

tennant's fucking performance as crowley was so annoying, he or the director doubled down on what i hated last season and stripped him of all the endearing humanizing aspects of his performance and the result was like watching donald duck screaming for 6 episodes

the chemistry was still there but the actual pining kiiiiinda wasn't, actually lol. oh they referred to it in scripted moments, jokes, parallels, and straightforward statements, but they didn't... show it, particularly. until the confession nothing even approaches the tenderness and emotion of like any of their season 1 scenes, let alone the car scene or the bus stop scene or the ritz or the french revolution rescue or the blitz or eden etc etc. and david tennant did not say one word in that cute hopeful pining tone

to be honest after watching the whole show this is the most disappointing part. like the car scene??? could i not get a sequel to that? let crowley be tender!!!!

i think the reason we don't get scenes like that, other than perhaps uncomfortable restraint due to acknowledging the romance textually, is that they went from crowley practically begging aziraphale to cave and fuck him for centuries to crowley now angry repressed and needing a push to say anything, which also felt wrong to me, like iffy fanfic characterization

it was bad enough that i was nervous they were going to depict neither as actually aware of their feelings. thankfully they did not, and it still feels like crowley has been pining for a thousand years and they've both been aware but dancing around it, with the way the confession was phrased. that should be a pro, actually.

also yk all the obvious things. dumb jokes, a lot of bad acting (i feel like the director is at fault though tbf), not into the twee tone in general for the most part, a lot of scenes that were way too drawn out, utterly nonsensical narrative, characters doing things for no reason other than convenience constantly (why do the lesbians stay to help fight the demons? because their characters are more important and need more screen time), 0 stakes wrt heaven and hell because they're all so wholly ineffectual as antagonists and neither crowley nor aziraphale ever gave a shit about their threats, etc etc

oh lol nina sosanya being cast again as a brand new character, no relation to sister mary loquacious. it's not a big con since i like her and was happy to see her again, but it did feel lazy lol. at least give me the identical twin cousin explanation

was crowley living out of his car a joke bc they don't have the set from last season? did god not restore his flat like the bookshop? what's up with that? and how much time has passed since last season anyway? why didn't he get a new flat? why is he living in his car? what's going on?

nightingale references at the end felt tacked on and awkward to me tbh

ohhhhh raphael!crowley's very obviously hinted at and i hate that headcanon :/

crowley's kinda hilariously gary stuish honestly, making me really miss the book and even season 1 where he was like, yk, fucking incompetent sometimes. here he's lounging on couches without a care while being threatened by heaven and hell multiple times, pulling off perfect shots with no practice, waltzing into heaven without a second thought, bluffing demons easily and successfully, etc. and that's in addition to being right about everything and also being raphael like what happened to my dumbass low-level loser fave who fucked up the apocalypse by accident and lived in terror of phone calls from hell???

heaven and hell are "toxic" lol? that phrasing is so awkward, and like, i'd say minimizing but i guess tbf they didn't pose much of a threat in this season. but still c'mon, why you describing 2 murderous doomsday cults/cold warring governments as toxic like they're your annoying ex? especially after the running gag about nina's shitty girlfriend constantly therapy speaking at her condescendingly lol. how about 'hey remember how they worked together to try to kill us last season?'

oh gabriel/beelzebub of course lol, whatever happened to neil gaiman being unable to read fanfic or even people's headcanon posts for fear of accidentally plagiarizing ideas? bring back the separation between fandom and creator stat, fandom has way too much influence here and fandom fucking sucks

a little petty but honestly the kiss could've been good, yk? there's no reason it had to be bad, they could've just given into it for a bit for a hopeful romantic moment before aziraphale freaks and pulls away. like can i get 2 dudes to kiss with tongue at some point on my television here?

needs more queen

[nachos-and-movies]

No, yanno what, I’m not done with this movie yet

Cus I’ve been wondering about the right questions to ask.

Context: I think ‘Peter Pan & Wendy’ the live action disney remake is fucking awful and no one should waste their time watching it; it’s ugly and boring.

And my question when watching a bad movie is always “who was this made for?” Cus even godawful movies have at least 1 person who absolutely loves it, yanno. And in the end it doesn’t matter as much if a movie sucks as long as that 1 person got exactly what they wanted.

And with this movie, I genuinely don’t know what the answer is. People who love the colour puke-green?

It’s clearly not made for Peter Pan fans. The movie lacks good flying scenes, a Peter that smiles for more than 10% of the scenes he’s in, a Captain Hook that doesn’t resemble your drunk Uncle on the 4th of July, or a Neverland that is lush, beautiful and a playground for kid adventures.

It’s not for Pan fans that like darker variations of the story, there’s not nearly enough dead children in this.

It’s also not for winning brownie points with marginalised groups, like, really? You add dope representation and you put it in a shit movie? Do you think we’re stupid?

Is it for Disney fans? It’s definitely not for kid Disney fans or they would’ve added colour to the movie. Maybe colour-blind kid Disney fans? Movie’s too boring for that, don’t insult kids by having your movie be the equivalent of homework. Adult Disney fans then? Recent live actions do show that movie-makers think adults like boring, ugly and hard to see, so maybe… but then again, the movie is made BY disney adults, you’d think they’d know what their own people like to watch.

Which is how I got to the question I’m actually supposed to ask: Who is this movie made BY?

Cus I made a half-assed joke in my original review post of this movie, where I’m like “Are the writers okay? Maybe they need a vacation” but Actually..? I’m genuinely worried.

Cus I know 1 thing for sure and that’s that almost none of these crap-ass-motherfucking-dumb-shit-awful live action remakes have been made by people that actually LIKE movies, disney, fairytales or storytelling. Whoever is in the writing room right now, I can tell they fucking hate their job.

I can’t think of another reason why one of the biggest companies on this planet, with the biggest reputation and legacy to uphold, would be okay releasing the literal vomit they’re producing right now. It’s embarrassing. This is the company that got a standing ovation for a WORK IN PROGRESS, reduced to not being able to think further than British cliffs and forests when they think of Neverland, the literal most fantastical, whimsical, childlike wondrous place in fiction.

And then you start wondering how this could happen and the obvious answer is money capitalism the hubris of men, we all know this shtick. At this point I’m mostly just worried for my fellow creatives who clearly need to gtfo and work in a nice peaceful bookstore or smthn, i dunno, I wanna give them a hot coco real bad.