#Stuck having to socialize with my parents
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This is a longshot, but does anyone in BC, Canada need a roommate?
I'm an Unemployed, Stem educated, Trans Woman in my 30's.
I've spoken before about my job searching/rural isolation predicament; in which I live with my parents in a rural area, where I don't have to worry about rent, but I have no social life or friends, and there isn't any job opportunities nearby either, because its so rural. I just feel stuck and very depressed.
I can't afford to move to a city without a job in my field (Chemistry), because rent is so damn high. Living off minimum wage just isn't possible with rent as it is.
But if there were internet friends/mutuals that would need a room mate, that would make it affordable enough that even if I got a temporary job unrelated to my career, I could at least have a chance to meet people and not be so lonely.
This would still allow me to job search for the field I want to work in eventually, and have a much better mental health state.
I really don't have any close friends or I would have asked them. Just don't know what to do right now.
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oh i've been SUMMONED!!! hana i went to a party last night and literally returned like an hour ago 😭 just so you can see my priorities 🩷🫶🏻 I COULDN'T WAIT TO READ THIS!!!
ok so, i finally understand more of why y/n is the way she is. i'm loving all the backstory we're getting fr!! she feels very human, but still so uptight 😭 god i'm back to wanting to fight her dad fr
the fact that his fuckboy tendencies have stuck with her more, his black sheep reputation, than his EXISTENCE IN ITSELF IS INSANE!!! 😭😭😭 bc wdym that's all you cared and were satisfied to know about him?? 😭 tbh for me, y/n seems very selfish at times but i truly blame her shitty ass parents for her lack of social skills
HANA!!! HANA I SCREAMED!!! I'M SOOO HAPPY!!! yes she listened to me and kissed him herself!! YES GIRLBOSS!!! next do it when he's awake i dare you 🤭☝🏻
can i just say, that might be bc we get to be in hyunjin's head and see what he thinks and feels about everything regarding his reputation and all that, but i feel soo bad that she doesn't fully trust him and is wary in a way. but like, it hit me she doesn't get to see all that so i get it? but hyun has never been shady or mean to her (and ik they were enemies at the beginning but i truly don't think he was ever that mean to her 😔) so like, pls start trusting him!!!
thanks for showing her pov and settling my anger bc if she would have left just like that, without remorse or reason i would have 😤 jumped her
he was so cuteee coming to check on her at work 😭 bringing her food and helping her with work 😭 my baby is a whole ass green forest why isn't she seeing it??
BUT YES!! THE KISS!! YES YES THE CROWD CHEERED!!! hehehe, hyun is so boldd 🤭 i'm glad he's finally going after what he wants!! and y/n too!!
loved loved LOVED this chapter!! 🩷such wonderful storytelling as usual 🥰🫶🏻 can't wait for the next one and to see who that painter guy y/n seems to hate is!!
Trophy Husband - Chapter 5
Hyunjin x Reader (fem.) Genre: Arranged Marriage au!, Marriage of Convenience-ish, Romance, Angst, Frenemies-to-Lovers, NSFW (mdni) Warnings: mentions of cursing, drinking, crude language, somewhat proofread WC: 6.0k A/N: Last chapter of the year! I hope the slight insight into y/n melts away any frustrations the previous chapter left. Our bickering-couple will see you again in 2025! Feedback, Reblogs, Likes are greatly appreciated! Happy reading! ── MASTERLIST
Synopsis: Two individuals with polar opposite lifestyles are thrown into an arranged marriage for the benefit of both their families, or so they claim. One is a frivolous playboy, living off familial wealth, while the other is an overly controlling workaholic. Navigating their marriage with a business-like approach, their relationship is marked by a whirlwind of bickering, banter, and societal pressures. Amid misunderstandings, they uncover layers of unexpected qualities, eventually discovering a sweet love neither saw coming.
Missed a chapter? - Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4
CHAPTER 5 ───────────────────
As a child, Y/N Yeom had always been compared to a bird, lost in her own world.
Soaring freely, high above, doing as she pleased as her parents’ only child. One of the perks of having no competition with a sibling.
She chased her imagination, colorful dreams unfurling in her mind.
It was something her parents bragged about. How independent she was. How ambitious she was. How proud she would make them.
It was something her parents would come to regret as she entered her teenage years. The extracurricular activities they had piled onto her as a child, aimed at making her well-rounded and talented in many fields, from dancing to piano to art, would soon return to haunt them.
Especially when the Yeom heiress declared she wanted to be an artist.
Her mother had laughed at it.
A sound that still echoed in Y/N’s mind. It had been a laugh muffled by her fingers, her face a alight with amusement as she stared back at her young daughter, clearly finding the idea more humorous than anything else.
“Don’t say such silly things Y/N”
Words that still rang in her memories.
Her carefree world began to shatter.
Then came the hiding.
The pretense of attending tutoring classes designed to prepare her to follow in her father’s footsteps, while she secretly slipped into the art program she had forged her mother’s signature to join, started swiftly.
For the most part, she had gotten away with it. That was, until her art teacher called her parents after she won a competition. One whose name she couldn’t even remember anymore.
Her father was furious when he found out. Perhaps she would have been too if she was in his place. Although, she believed she wouldn’t have allowed her child to hide their passions in the first place.
She wouldn’t have laughed at their dreams.
Y/N started growing bitter. Her carefree world shattered even more.
She had always been sort of an outcast amongst the other children in her social circle, although self-appointed.
They seemed to lack their own dreams, their own passions. Happily following the plans their parents had drawn out for them, while she struggled to even hang up her art pieces with pride.
The first time Y/N had properly seen Hwang Hyunjin was back in school. The academy they attended was full of children of the elite, cliques of those who loved to flaunt their good looks and their parents’ wealth. One of which the second Hwang son was also in, though she never truly cared enough to acquaint with him, let alone keep his name memorized.
If she tried to recall when his name had become a familiar one in her memories, she would probably say that swim championship he had won for their school. A first time win after six years of their academy losing. Only for Hwang Hyunjin to hold the winner title for his entire academic career.
She had always been acutely aware of his existence, hearing his name here and there throughout school, catching glimpses of the supposedly handsome Hwang Hyunjin in the halls, at events her parents dragged her to. Types of events where she would hole away at some random empty room after initial greetings.
The first time Y/N had taken a proper look at him was in one of these events, in her search for an empty room she would spend the evening in before it was time to leave. She had stumbled upon Hyunjin, the handsome second son of the Hwangs.
Handsome he was, his gaze snapped to hers the moment she entered. Their eyes locked for the first time as she stood frozen in the doorway, catching him in a …compromising position.
His lips had been locked with the school president’s. But at the sound of the door, the two broke apart almost instantly. Hyunjin wiped his mouth casually, while the school president, usually prim and proper, sputtered, her eyes darting between his and Y/N’s equally stunned expressions.
“Ah—Sorry...” Y/N had muttered awkwardly, closing the door behind her as she blinked at the odd combination she had walked in on.
The school president cornered her in halls the following day, pleading eyes already giving way to her request. To not tell anyone she was with Hwang Hyunjin, the apparent “black sheep” of his family, a detail Y/N hadn’t known until that moment, though it wasn’t something she even cared for.
She had her own problems to deal with, and who the school president was or wasn’t making out with, didn’t even register on her radar. She barely even remembered the event, let alone have time to run around and spread gossip.
Still, Y/N promised. And then, just a few weeks later, she found herself witnessing another scene, some other cheerleader pulling the “black sheep” of the Hwang family behind the bleachers.
A sight that would become more familiar than his existence itself.
────────────────────────
The shower water running down her skin should have felt relieving. Should have helped her loosen up, the hot scorching water that always managed to help her relax after a long strenuous day, tingling yet soothing. But as Y/N stood beneath the shower, the one place she usually found peace, her mind refused to settle. Instead, she found herself staring at the water swirling down the drain, her thoughts drifting back to what had happened between her and Hyunjin.
Back to the memory of her trophy husband, kneeling before her, his piercing gaze locked onto hers with a mixture of astonishment and something more. Something darker, more desirous.
And suddenly she was heavily aware of Hyunjin just outside, in the bedroom where he had trudged into after feeling lightheaded.
It seemed he really had exerted too much energy, the alcohol in his system, the confinement between her legs, the exhaustion afterwards. All overtaking him almost instantly. Y/N had even helped him into the bed.
He had muttered things under his breath, a chuckle escaping through his mumbles as he had tried to keep his eyes open. Yet, ultimately he had lost that battle and soon his breathing had grown shallow.
Y/N had stared down at his passed out form, gnawing at her bottom lip as her eyes trailed over him. Ultimately retreating in for a shower to clear her head.
Yet the shower didn’t seem to clear anything at all.
Instead she felt even more conflicted.
The scraps of Hwang Hyunjin she could find in her memories resurfaced as she tried to recall as best as she could. Yet every single one of them seemed to be of him with a pretty girl on his arm.
But now here he was, the pretty man on her arm.
The bathroom door had opened with a soft click, Y/N peeked out to glance back into the bedroom, her trophy husband’s body still tucked under the duvet as she had left him. The bedroom was lit dimly, the bedside lamp casting a soft glow, allowing her to look down at Hyunjin’s serene expression as she approached his passed out form.
Y/N instantly thought back to earlier in the evening. As if her mind hadn’t been replaying every moment of it in a loop ever since. The feeling of his touches, his gaze, his tongue, still burning against her skin, in her memories.
Perhaps that was how his playboy nature worked.
His bold actions, his whiskey-laced breath.
The way his tongue darted out to lick his lips, the sultry tone in his voice.
Which Hyunjin had it been this evening?
The playboy Hyunjin who knew the arts of pleasure?
Or…
She pictured the flush on his cheeks. The heat that radiated from his skin against her.
The desperation in his wide gaze, his slightly shaky fingers tugging at her dress as he asked for permission.
Perhaps it was her husband Hyunjin.
The gallery director clutched at the bathrobe tightly, slowly crouching down to get a closer look at his face.
The ever so pretty Hwang Hyunjin. Her playboy husband, so serene, so angelic even in his sleep.
Her eyes traced his features, resting on his lips. The ones that had her chasing that orgasmic feeling that she hadn’t felt in what seemed like forever.
His lips, that would curve into those smug smiles whenever he taunted her, irking her slightly, amusing her mostly.
His lips, so kissable.
Y/N leaned in, her mouth pressing against his. A soft kiss, a simple peck maybe.
His breath felt hot against hers as he slept, a low sleepy moan escaping his mouth as she pulled away, peering back down to take in his sleeping expression. He shifted slightly, brows narrowing in a frown before relaxing. A sight that made her stifle a smile, fingers pushing away the stray hairs that fell over his face.
The room quieted again after Hyunjin settled once more, his crouching wife observed this side of him.
She had always been the first to fall asleep. Always exhausted, easily slipping into her dreams once her head hit the pillow. Sometimes she would watch Hyunjin from her tucked in spot. The dark-haired man, who seemed to always be doing this or that on the other end of the bedroom.
Sometimes reading on the recliner, sometimes standing out on the balcony. Oftentimes he would shuffle under the sheets once her eyes fluttered close. Her lids, heavy, yet aware of his presence beside her.
Oftentimes she wondered what he would do if she asked him to embrace her.
Engulf her in his warmth to soothe her of her day’s exhaustion, unaware if his arms would even have that effect.
Though, after tonight, maybe her assumptions weren’t too far off.
She often wondered what it would be like to make this man hers.
To allow him into her heart. The shielded, guarded organ that seemed to harden against love.
Or would she simply become his plaything? The one he would turn to whenever he needed to let off steam.
Hyunjin inhaled deeply in the midst of his shallow breaths, a low noise that was just loud enough to draw her attention back to just the two of them in this room. Y/N finally pushed herself back on her feet, glancing down at him once more.
Did she trust him enough?
He hadn’t done anything that would have broken her trust, went against whatever clauses they’d laid out, whatever contracts they’d signed. Yet, there was that nagging voice in the back of her head.
The one that whispered to her.
That he was putting on some act, behaving himself only for a moment before he craved attention. Before he got bored of sitting still.
He’d done it before. Or atleast, from what she had read and heard in the past.
After some new scandal of his, he would disappear. Lie low for a couple of months before he was once again dancing in nightclubs. Even prior to their marriage, he had been engulfed in some incident. Something about a bar fight. The news that she read about after her father had thrown the marriage arrangement at her, left her tasting bitter.
Her husband turned in his sleep, sinking deeper into the mattress, his face turned away from hers.
Y/N reached out. Perhaps to push back some more stray strands of his hair, perhaps to lean down and press another kiss to his lips. But she faltered, the quiet hum on her cell phone vibrating against the dresser echoed in the bedroom, the sound had her already striding over, knowing well that these late night calls from her secretary were always urgent.
Knowing well that she had always been the kind to prioritize her work. Her ambitions.
That she would never be a perfect lover, let alone be a perfect wife.
The gallery director fidgeted with her wedding ring, inhaling deeply as her eyes glanced over the glass doors of the meeting room.
Her secretary had called her late last night, finally arranging a meeting with a potential sponsor for Y Gallery’s upcoming project.
Y/N had rushed out frantically, glancing back at her husband once, before she had to start preparing for this meeting in the early hours of the morning. But now that she was done, and had nothing to do besides wait, her mind trailed back to Hyunjin.
Back to her trophy husband who seemed to be ever so peaceful in his slumber. She wondered if he would remember what he had done last night?
A part of her cursed herself for not ensuring he was sober enough before agreeing to his ministrations. Although he didn’t seem it, the way he had almost collapsed afterwards had her worried slightly.
Her eyes shot to her cellphone, the discarded device that had a cascade of messages and notifications from people she didn’t care enough about to respond right away.
But no message from Hyunjin.
It made sense. It was still early in the morning, and over the months of being married to him, the gallery director had learned that her husband loved to sleep in. Especially on days after he had a few drinks.
She wondered if she should message him. Tell him to take it easy in case he wakes up with an aching head. Tell him to call her so she could ensure he was alright.
Hear his voice.
His groggy sleep-laced voice, memories of it running through her mind. From all the times he had muttered things as he made her coffee on those days he claimed she had roused him awake.
Y/N blinked at his contact. At the words she had typed out, staring at the letters almost as if they were foreign.
They felt foreign.
Types of words she hadn’t sent in what felt like forever.
Words of concern. Of worry.
Messages a wife would send her husband.
The knock on the glass door tore the gallery director out of her trance, her instant social smile spreading over her face as she stood. Arm extending for a shake.
“Thank you so much for taking the time to meet me today Madam Kim.” Her voice dripped with confidence.
The gallery director’s husband rustled under the sheets, his brows furrowing in a frown, eyes still shut tight but awake nonetheless.
The silence in the room stretched and for a moment he simply just laid there.
But then as the gears in his brain began to work, the memories of the night prior surged down on him, replaying through his mind in a loop.
Hyunjin’s eyes shot open, slowly he propped himself up to glance around the empty room. His body slightly ached for some reason, and his mind was foggy as he scanned his surroundings.
There was no sign of Y/N.
No quiet rustle of sheets, no trace of her presence. No loud clatter of her attempting to be quiet but failing miserably.
The space felt oddly hollow, and an uncomfortable silence settled in as he fully sat up, trying to make sense of everything. Of the time, of the day.
His fingers traced his lips, tugging at his bottom lip as he tried to distinguish whether whatever he was thinking about right now, whatever he had done, had in fact happened or had it all been a dream.
Hyunjin made his way out of bed, figure crossing the rooms to peer out in hopes to find a glimpse of her, or a clue that would soothe the anxiety that had begun to bubble within him.
The living room was silent, a familiar stillness that settled in at this hour. Times when Hyunjin would head to the gym and the entire house was empty. Yet, the silence felt eerie to the man who had just awoken, his hair rustled messily as he glanced around the room.
A loud sigh had escaped his lips. The anxious feelings started to subside as he was almost to that conclusion that it had been all a dream.
Almost.
Hyunjin’s eyes flickered to the counter. His brows relax at the sight of the mug of forgotten tea.
The drink that had long gone cold, still in the spot last left. Right across the front island, where he had tasted his wife.
Not a dream.
Hyunjin gulped, the dry feeling in his throat refusing to subside. And all his anxieties began crashing down.
The second son of the Hwang family had had his fair share of one-night-stands. Sometimes waking up alone, sometimes leaving alone. It had never bothered him enough for his mind to linger on it any longer than he needed to. Forgetting it all almost with the new day.
And although whatever happened between the business-couple wasn’t even close to things Hyunjin had experienced in his one-night-stands, it still pricked at his heart in a way he didn’t think it would.
He knew the kind of person his wife was. Knew her priorities, knew that she would be working at this time, especially on a work day. But he didn’t expect to wake up alone.
Didn’t expect these anxious thoughts to course through him when he was welcomed by silence.
Perhaps that’s what love was.
These foreign emotions that surged through him right now had never been present after his past…overnight escapades. The lingering feelings that never seeped into his thoughts the next morning were heavily weighing down on him now.
He must be overthinking it all, he had to be.
Like a love-sick fool who felt abandoned.
Hyunjin had never thought himself to be the clingy type. In fact, he despised the women who often clung to him, professing their adoration for him. Attraction, love, things that made his brows twitch in irritation.
Yet here he was feeling clingy. Being clingy.
His fingers drummed on the steering wheel of his car as he sat outside his wife’s gallery, gaze wandering over the building. Doubts clouded his mind as he second, third-guessed his actions.
The sudden knock against the glass of his driver’s side window made him jump, head whipping around to pull down the tinted glass.
One of Y/N’s gallery employees looked down at him, eyes full of curiosity.
“Ah, Mr. Hwang, it’s you.”
Hyunjin forced a smile, attempting to hide the uneasiness that stirred within him. To not appear as suspicious as he thought he looked, sitting out here in the outdoor parking lot wracking his brains.
Nervous, anxious, but painfully missing his wife.
“...She left so early, so…” His excuse trailed off, trying to settle the nervous twinge in his tone with a clear of his throat.
The young woman smiled with her nod as she straightened, glancing back at the glass building of the gallery.
“Director Yeom had an early meeting that ended not too long ago. But now, she’s holed up working. I’m slightly worried...” The employee sighed, her brows furrowing with slight concern.
Words that are just enough to push away all of Hyunjin’s second-guessing.
The trophy husband was already stepping out of his vehicle.
“Let’s get her to take a break then.” He mumbled with a gentle smile, nodding at her before he was already striding ahead.
The gallery director herself had indeed been holed away since the early morning. Reworking a proposal that she suddenly needed to do after her meeting. As a gallery owner, the majority of her work was centered around securing investment and funding to keep it running. From managing visitors, renting out parts of the pretty space for events and shoots, to attracting rich patrons and people who had enough money to spend on her, her hands were always full.
But she wanted to do something different this time around. A gala, where proceeds would go towards sponsoring aspiring artists. The rich would get a chance to flaunt their wealth, and the starving artists would get a chance to showcase their talent through her gallery.
Y/N would like to think the meeting went well.
Most of the people who were attracted to her gallery outside of everyday visitors, were the wives of the wealthy businessmen in their circle, familiar faces that Y/N had grown up around. They loved to show off their wealth. Purchasing pieces and hosting events at her gallery had become a popular trend of some sorts in the recent years. Maybe it was to do with the fact that Y/N was going against her family and doing something she was passionate about. The high society women lingered about to either scope out the gossip that surrounded that or maybe they were truly infatuated with the wonderful artwork she had collected and exhibited in her gallery.
Madam Kim was one such prominent woman in their high society. The madame of one of the country’s leading law firms, her late husband is still a respected figure even now, years after his demise.
The gallery director had initially wanted to propose a potential partnership with Madam Kim’s daughter-in-law, a woman who was an appreciator of art, and a regular patron of Y Gallery. But when the director had reached out, she had gotten a response from the matriarch of the family instead.
Y/N wasn’t complaining. Madam Kim was one of the more tolerable individuals of the elite class, humble in her ways, yet still had an immense influence on the other women and wives of her social circles. Maybe she had gotten lucky.
Or maybe not. The extra work that Madam Kim had requested was starting to take a toll on the gallery director whose eyes were starting to sting. Tell-tale signs of an oncoming migraine already throbbed at her temples.
The knock on her door faltered her machine-like fingers typing away with a frenzy, her eyes shooting over her glasses to take a glance at the incoming visitor.
She expected to see her secretary, perhaps with the drafted email the gallery director had been awaiting. But instead, the long dark locks of her husband’s appeared in her line of sight, and she stiffened at the sight of his figure entering her office.
For a brief second, the two of them stare at each other, simply just taking in each other’s presence, eyes floundering over one anothers face after not having seen it in what almost felt like years. Hyunjin’s eyes flicked to her desk, at the bottle of pain pills that rested by her glass of water, a sight that made his brows furrowed with a frown.
“Have you slept?” He questioned with a sigh, the concern on his expression deepening.
Her eyes followed his to the same pills. She had taken two in attempts to soothe that headache that pounded at her temples, but of course it hadn’t worked. Instead she decided she would push through this workload before taking a power nap.
“Not yet.” Her response wasn’t surprising, making her husband groan slightly, his arms crossing over his chest.
“Have you eaten?” He continued, already understanding what her response was from the silent stare she shot him.
Y/N wanted to break into a laugh, to point out the creases that settled between his brows as he looked at her with an upset frown, clearly displeased by her answers.
She wanted to break into a laugh because he was one more question away from becoming a nagging spouse.
Instead she stifled the urge, sighing as her eyes darted to the bright screen that burned her eyes, before they settled back on his form just a few feet away.
“I’ll eat soon. I promise.” She muttered.
“Ten minutes.” His words followed immediately after her apparent hollow promise, making her tilt her head in slight confusion.
“You have ten minutes before I force you to eat.” He added, his brows narrowing.
His words caught her off guard, a tone of his that she had never heard before. An expression that looked foreign too, as he stared with her pointedly. Yet she didn’t hate the sight of it. Rather, it sparked something else in her. That familiar challenged sensation erupted within her. Mixed with something else. Something she couldn’t really describe without thinking about him on his knees again.
“Force me to eat?” Y/N repeated, raising an eyebrow.
She leaned back into the cushion of her chair, her fingers lacing together in front of her. The gallery director watched her husband uncross his arms from over his chest, sliding them into the pockets of his slacks before a teasing smile tugged on his lips.
“Spoon-feed you if I have to. Airplane and all.” His words were laced with a mischievous edge, watching as she squinted for a second, before finally breaking into that laugh she tried her best to stifle.
The contagious sound made her trophy husband mirror, his eyes creasing as his chuckles followed.
His anxieties faded almost instantly at the sound. At the sight of her.
“Give me ten minutes. I’ll bring you something to eat.”
Y/N opened her mouth to protest. Maybe to refuse or maybe to lie about not being hungry. But Hyunjin doesn’t allow her to, pointing a finger at her with a commanding tone.
“Ten minutes. Sit tight.” He shot, already heading out the door.
Ten minutes. She pressed her lips into a soft smile, staring at the empty spot her husband had been standing in.
True to his words, ten minutes later the gallery director’s husband returned. Nodding at her secretary who sat outside her office, his grin radiated almost as he carried whatever nutritious breakfast he could scour for his wife, though it was long past breakfast time.
But when he entered the room, he was greeted by silence.
He had expected to hear more rushed typing, the sound of her fingers working against the keyboard was a sound so familiar to him, he was slightly stunned by the quiet.
His gaze shifted to settle on the gallery director. The sight of her slumped figure, passed out on her arms over the desk, both fascinated and awed him all at once.
She lasted ten minutes, barely. Unable to keep her eyes open. He was slightly impressed when he had entered earlier, it was clear she was exhausted, yet would have pushed herself further if he hadn’t distracted her.
Hyunjin sighed, gently placing down the bag of takeout on the coffee table before walking towards her. His eyes skimmed over her desk, at the cluttered surface that resembled her make-shift workstation that was their living room table.
He picked up the crumpled balls of paper, pushing it aside before he pulled out the chair on his side softly, taking a seat across. He leaned against the leather, getting comfortable as he simply gazed down at the exhausted woman who would have sworn she wasn’t sleepy, wasn’t exhausted if asked. But here she was now, softly inhaling and exhaling.
His eyes drifted to her laptop, the screen still glowing brightly, clear that she had fallen asleep not too long ago.
Gently, Hyunjin reached out, fingers pushing back a stray lock of her hair, a fond smile tugging on his lips as he watched her breathe softly. His gaze shifted to the notepad beside her, amidst the crumpled papers and stacked sheets of ink.
The open notepad was covered with a jumble of words, arrows, and little annotations in her meticulous handwriting. Despite the confusion of the notes, a few familiar words caught his attention, prompting him to slide the laptop in front of himself. With a nod to himself, he leaned forward and began typing. His eyes flit over the screen once to linger on her form.
“The things I do for you.” He muttered under his breath, patting her hair softly before diving into the task at hand.
The sound of the press of keys had been a distant sound, yet as she stirred away, it had grown louder.
The gallery director’s lids fluttered open, staring at a sight that should have been strange, yet it didn’t feel so. Maybe she was still dazed from her impromptu nap, refreshed eyes still adjusting as she took in the sight of her husband absorbed between the laptop screen and her notepad, his fingers meticulously working against the keyboard.
It should have been a strange sight. Seeing Hwang Hyunjin working. On something that he claimed not to know about, claimed not to care about. But it wasn’t strange at all.
Instead, her heart clenched, the shielded, guarded organ of hers, suddenly racing in her chest. And all she wanted to do now was reach over and kiss him.
A incoming notification on her laptop broke the comfortable silence that had settled in her office. An email from her secretary sitting outside, the notification of the email draft Y/N had requested popped up on the screen. It instantly drew Hyunjin’s attention, his eyes scanning the subject-line almost instinctively.
“Artist Armin…” He muttered, reading to himself.
Y/N’s brows narrowed, a wave of bitterness spreading over her tongue as she slowly sat up. Movements that have Hyunjin look up to her. His gaze softening at the sight of her awoken state.
“Is it written ‘A-R-Min’ or ‘R-Dot-Min.” She asked, her tone slightly groggy.
Hyunjin glanced back at the screen, at the notification that lingered on the corner.
“A-R-Min.” He replied, looking at her with slight wonder.
Y/N inhaled deeply, before letting out a slight groan.
“It’s supposed to be R-Dot-Min.” She grunted almost, reaching over for the laptop so she could send the corrections to her secretary.
“I’ll do it. You eat.” Hyujin pressed instead, pulling the device closer to him.
An action that made her arch and eyebrow.
“Really? You want to be my personal secretary now?” A smile had spread on her lips.
Hyunjin shrugged, his smug smile returning on his face.
“What does the compensation package look like?” He chuckled, already ready to type the email to her secretary.
Y/N stood, stretching before she headed towards the bag of food, slightly hungrier than she was before her nap.
“Anything you want.” Her words are more casual, distracted fingers pulling out her breakfast and lunch.
Her words make Hyunjin pause, fingers hovering over the keys.
For a moment, he wondered if asking for a kiss right now, maybe even daringly asking if he could lift her onto her desk, would be enough compensation. But he caught himself almost instantly, clearing his throat before grabbing the laptop to join her by the couch.
“R-Dot-Min, right?” He confirmed once again.
Y/N’s hands stilled against the container of food, tasting bitterness all over again.
“Yes.” She almost spat.
Her gaze drifted off, her thoughts suddenly elsewhere as she ate.
Hyunjin watched her movements, the way her fork disappeared into her mouth, the way her lips wrapped around the bottle of water. It made his own throat dry, his thoughts swirling, and he had to bite back the urge to say something. He didn’t want to sound like some pervert who couldn’t think of anything beyond wanting her all to himself, but suddenly, he couldn’t help it. Those thoughts lingered, darting through his thoughts.
He dropped his gaze, staring at the shiny surface of the glass table between them. He had to remind himself to control himself. To stop thinking like some fuckboy after her body. The trophy husband gnawed at his lower lip, trying to steady himself, his mind.
The gallery director watched as she dropped the empty container of her now-devoured food, wiping her lips. Her eyes lingered on Hyunjin, sitting across from her, his teeth tugging at his bottom lip, before he glanced back at her.
“Who’s R.Min anyways?” Hyunjin cleared his throat, sending the email corrections to her secretary.
Y/N fell silent at the mention of the artist, the one Madam Kim wanted to collaborate with simply because her grandson had liked his work.
What do lawyers know about art, anyway?
She had groaned to herself during the meeting, though outwardly she had smiled, offering her radiant social grin and empty compliments, promising to follow through and try her best for a collaboration.
“He’s a painter.” She answered curtly, rising to her feet.
Silence settled between them once more as Hyunjin set the laptop aside. The sound of another email pinged, cutting through the quiet, and both of them glanced at the screen.
“Your secretary sent the email to R.Min.” He read aloud, eyes drifting over her.
A flicker of irritation drew over her expression, arms crossing as she muttered something under her breath. Likely a curse, though Hyunjin couldn’t quite catch it.
“Enough about that artist—Do you remember what you did last night?” Her voice was sharp.
Her blunt question made him stiffen, his eyes widening slightly as he watched her from his seated position, suddenly wanting to melt into the leather. He swallowed a few times, unsure of what kind of answer would ease the irritation still lingering on her face. The scowl shot towards him, ones he thought he would have gotten rid of after he had pleasured her last night.
“I do…” He finally sighed, his gleaming gaze flickering from his fingers to her face.
“Why are you nervous? Do you regret it?” She asked.
Another question that made his eyes widen, this time more from the fear of her misunderstanding than anything else.
“No!” He almost exclaimed, licking his lips to calm himself down.
She blinked, slightly taken aback by his loud response. The pressing expression, the piercing gaze that he stared up at her with.
Her eyes traced over his rigid form that looked up at her.
Nervous. Passionate perhaps.
Kissable.
The gallery director only needed two long strides.
Three steps and she was towering over him, her figure already leaning into him. Hyunjin reflexively drew himself back as she inched closer, until he was pressing flush against the leather of the sofa, trapped almost. He inhaled sharply, stunned eyes darting between hers to grasp exactly what was happening, why she was suddenly so close.
Could she hear his heart about to explode in his chest?
Y/N can’t help but stare in fascination. This up-close view of her pretty husband was even more breathtaking than last night, his open eyes boring into hers. She could see the nervous twinge in his gaze, something she hadn’t truly expected from the ever-so-cocky Hwang Hyunjin. Yet, seeing it now, she couldn’t help but smile at how cute he looked beneath her.
Her fingers ghost over his lips. The ones she had gotten a feel of after stealing a kiss in his sleep. Although she would never, ever admit she had done so. He shuddered almost, even without her touching him yet.
“I-is this a dream?” He found himself muttering instead.
Her brow arched at his words.
“You dream of me?” She countered, her tone laced with a teasing edge, a hint of amusement.
Hyunjin swallowed hard.
“No.”
He was trying his best. To cling onto that fragile thread of sanity left in him. To not appear desperate, craving her touch, her lips. Ready to melt underneath her.
Y/N let out a breathy laugh, her gaze dropping to his lips for a split second before locking with his eyes again. Clearly unconvinced.
“I don’t kiss liars.” She murmured smugly.
Hyunjin swallowed hard. The thread snapped.
His hands shot out, slipping behind her hair to rest again the nape of her neck, tugging her toward him.
His lips crash against hers. Desperate, frantic.
All control shattered, his sanity slipping away as he pulled her closer.
Closer.
Into himself, wrapping his arms around her, settling her over him, onto his lap.
Melting underneath her. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ to be continued.
── ask to be tagged! (18+) - @jellyleggz, @binniesbabe, @bookswillfindyouaway, @lemonn015, @scarlet789, @onlyhyunjin, @freekyfangirl, @candyquokka, @jehhskz, @stayjinnie, @suzyhhj , @minh0scat, @qwonyoung23, @d34thon2legs, @dessianna1, @kpopjackie, @rundontwalkshesaid, @sheerfreesia007, @thecutiepieme, @danihwang882, @hyunebunx, @seeeeking-skz, @hanadulsetaad, @velvetmoonlght, @alrm02, @tirena1, @hityoulikebahng, @tsunderelino, @cybergracie, @notevenheretbh1, @piscesrising01, @alisonyus, @hyuneyeon, @broken-glowsticks, @modesttiger, @gnabnahcbby, @shhyucm, @hanniesdegree, @lenfilms, @sushiinmidnight, @chrisbangsass, @fixation-dump, @minluvly, @loxgirl2004, @aeri-skzver, @ellemir2404, @mariahxrrera, @t1eekn0wsaurus, @aprilmaejune77, @amenabiii [CLOSED]
#♡. fic recs#(🥟) - hyunjin!#HES SO IN LOVE WITH HEEER#need him to put her on that desk asap hehehehe 🤭
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Hi bb!!! I've officially finished my exams and I have a holiday break so I'm feeling happy!!! I saw another anonie sending asks so now I have to up my game 😌(jk)
I had some questionssss
-Has hima ever been an mc on mubank before? and if so who was her partner/s
-I was rewatching teez's performance on MMA and I was wondering if the fans cheered really loudly when mingri's part came
-How do the stylist like to dress hima up? Taking in consideration that she's the only female idol in KQ plus in ateez they probably doll her up
-idk if this is weird but I feel like mingi and hima probably don't give a f anymore about their closeness after becoming publin and I'm talking about shamless glances and smirks
-would hima rather know what the future's holding for her or go back in time and change something in her past
-can I request so soft mingri moments I'm in my feels because of the weather🥹🥹
Ily so much bb, take care and eat well mwahh!! 💓💓
Hi sweet!! Congratulations, now you can finally get some more than deserved rest!! 😘 I actually still have one ask to answer from that anon but i got writer's block for it 😭(ANON IF YOU'RE SEEING THIS I'M WORKING ON IT DON'T WORRY!!)
• Our little social butterfly was an easy choice for Music Bank and they paired her with Sunwoo from THE BOYZ since both have a similar outgoing personality (it was also after Kingdom : Legendary War so it seemed like a natural pairing)
• Oh definitely! So many Atiny have been talking about wanting to see that part live so they were screaming their lungs out. Since it's a big award show they didn't kiss but Mingi took her chin in his hands and turned her face back to him, making her lose the stage demon facade for a second because she was so flustered
• Hima has had several stylists since debut - the first stylist respected the maknae's wishes and dressed her the exact same as the members (she left after becoming pregnant). The second would put more feminine spins on the outfits but they were still a lot more masculine than other girl groups (she was fired following Kingdom as she forced the maknae to show her scars). The current stylist is fully leaning into her charm, at times making her look more tomboy-ish but still keeping her delicate image, other times making the outfits are fully feminine. As Hima got older she's also begun to dress her in more chic clothing, enhancing her maturity without making her seem too old
Her favorite events to dress Hima for are award shows or concert encores because she can put her in dresses, cute shirts, legwarmers, put cute accessories in her hair, etc., (she loves dressing her up like a cute little doll). She gets kind of sad during Versace events because it's often the house's stylists or Donatella herself that dress her so she can't be the one to put her in all those intricate corsets or silky dresses :(
• They really can't find it in themselves to care anymore, there are so may clips from lives where she's sitting on his lap while wearing one of his boxers, she even brushed a hand across his "belt" (guys I swear it was the belt, guys....) during one of their concerts and stuck her tongue out at him while he was left blushing like an idiot. When there's some kind of innuendo these two are the first to look at each other (well actually sometimes it's Wooyoung and Hima and they can't help but to laugh their asses off)
• Hima isn't worried about the future, so she would rather turn back time; she would change the way her younger self viewed the accident. Of course everything was caused by grief, by her young mind being unable to understand everything going on around her, but one day she got angry at Hanzo after he had finally come out of his room to make her food as an apology. Hima had been dealing with so much at the time - solitude, Yoongi's mental health, the hardships of accepting new parents, her hearing disability that made every day more complicated, etc., - so everything blew up on him. The poor girl wasn't angry, she was in distress, she broke down crying and said things like "why did you abandon me ?" "you promised you would always be there when I needed you". If she could go back in time she'd make herself realize that Hanzo was suffering just as much as she was
• Of course you can! After Mingi sent the Fromm messages in which he expressed his intention to marry his girlfriend, she called him down onto the floor and began painting slivers of smoke along his bare arm - unfortunately he let his impulsive thought get the better of him and he smeared paint across her cheeks, which resulted in the two of them play fighting while trying to get as much paint on the other as possible
After Himari sent the Fromm messages revealing she was now studying Brain and Cognitive Science at KU, Mingi was having trouble taking a much needed nap so he pulled her in between his legs (on a bean bag) and she finished her study session tucked against his chest while his head rested on top of her own, sound asleep
At home she often forgets to put her hearing aid back in after a shower so when Mingi approaches her or is in the room, he moves with heavier steps so she can feel the vibrations or sends a series of one letter messages so that her smartwatch will vibrate several times (she learned to take that as a sign), so that she doesn't get startled because she didn't hear him
I always look forward to your asks!! ILYSM too Mina!! Make sure to rest plenty and have lots of fun now that the hardest part of the term is over! MWAHHH take good care of yourself 🥰🩷
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#Ignore this#Stuck having to socialize with my parents#bored out of my mind#Should try to get her to watch KP or something lmfao#I’m forced to watch regular tv content 😩
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School is starting soon!! I can't believe I'm excited for the stressors of classes OURGH...
#ill be moving out of my parents house on the 13th. and be starting on the 19th! oh god. that's 9 days#i think im excited because it means i can finally LEAVE THE HOUSE#i hate being stuck in the house with very little to do and simply doom scroll. caged bird energy fr#(family restrictions. i loooovee those)#pros: freedom. cons: a lot less free time + stress + no birds#however. the pros genuinely outweigh the cons...i treasure my independence wayy too much! (except i will miss the feathered balls...)#but on another note. im excited for so many things! See my roommate. cook meals for myself. have actual privacy...yknow basic autonomy :D!#oh i can finally wear the clothes i like judgement free! and i can go places without curfews! and i can play my music outloud!#OH i can finally kick up my social activities again!!#this bird speaks#GAH!! so excited!!#this summer “vacation” was genuinely the worst overall#saving grace was Art Fight and the DD friends i've made ngl. so thanks yall huge hugs to yall!
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#anyone know how to deal with overwhelmingly jealous and envious thoughts?#I just can’t stop comparing my life to other peoples#just went to my sisters new place#I would literally kill for a place like that#but I’m still stuck in my parents basement#not having a safe space to go#I eventually got over it while I was hanging out with family#but when I left I had to bump into a group of girls#all dressed up#looks like they were either going out or getting back from a club or something#and damn#I miss those days#I only got a taste of it very briefly before I was even of age#like 18-19#and now I’m fucking 26 and I don’t have friends to go out and have severe social anxiety#when I see people like that having a good night or whatever#I just get so sad and jealous#I’ve been wasting the past 6 years of my life#literally just trying to survive#and then everyone else around me is actually living and enjoying their lives#obviously it’s not all sunshine and rainbows but they have the support system or a place or something to lean on when something bad happens#I have nothing#I have no support system#not able to heal or really live in my current place#been struggling to just get out of bed#trying ro figure out a job but when I can’t even get out of bed how the fuck am I gonna do that?#struggling A LOT right now#shut up rosie#delete
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I literally don’t know how to talk about and process this without sounding like some sort of weird incel but maybe that’s what’s going on
#like#I just want a support system it’s not that deep#but I hate feeling all triggered and emo and whatever abt it as if I’m some sort of tragic martyr#I’m just another 20 something living in USA with no good social support services#like this is just what happens#like I’m processing to myself in the tags and it sounds like something some drag queen would roast you for#like hi you never got enough attention from your parents and it’s obvious#like girlllll??????#I need to chill#no I do need to let myself process these emotions like I know what the healthy mindset is for this but GODD#a nerve was hit apparently#like there’s no more looking for parental figures the older you get#the people you wanted to be your parental figures are now just like your age???#what the fuck do I do with that#volunteer at a nursing home I guess#how do people stop pitying themselves forever about this and just live their lives like what the fuck#how do u do that when u still feel like u don’t have a solid support system irl like I guess really no one was coming to save me from#my parents like I’m just stuck here with no idea of where else to go#I have been getting very good at keeping myself open to change and new beginnings and whatever#but holy FUCK can someone hurry up and like let me live at their place for free and be nice to me and I will also be nice to them and maybe#I will be able to make money in a way that is not traumatizing and then we pay off our house and are friends with everyone and can handle#whatever life throws at us#like what about that huh#like what the fuck#ok I think I got all the weird ranting and being stupid and processing out
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i look for irl friends everywhere but its always. my fucking coworkers. like inevitably the place im gonna find my best friends isnt gonna be through school or hobbies its the other ppl who are also working alongside me for just above minimum wage.
#idk if its the minimum wage thing or the job field im in. maybe something about a kitchen job just attracts the coolest ppl ever#either way kind of hate that development of my social life is always dependent on like. having to work for money#but it kinda selects for ppl i can get along w ig. like dawg i just cannot be friends w rich ppl#never could relate to like. the stereotype of highschool rich bullies who make fun of u for being weird an poor cuz like#most ppl at my highschool were also pretty poor but. kind of feel like im encountering that in my adult life#like either theyre stuck up an dont wanna interact w me at all#or im like. trying to connect w someone who thinks its normal that both their parents own a tesla#having friends who are like. poor or who were also in foster care is kind of more important to me#than having other friends who are queer i realized#like. i just have more in common w someone raised by their grandparents who isnt that familiar w queer culture#than i do w someone immersed in the culture whos parents make 100k#but i mean now i sorta have both im no longer the only queer in the kitchen#my boss is like the most badass dykiest dyke ive ever seen#i mean im gonna keep trying to find non-worker friends though. my boss told me i should go to a gay bar skfhjgsdj
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Y’all are being subjected to my Sims 2 tests, so there
The other set of Vargases came over for a visit and Scriabin picked up Shmee and started talking to Scriabin through him. Very normal, very usual
I downloaded some circle-glasses recolours and hghghh they look so good! Closer every day to his final details! Getting ever closer!
Edgar too! I made him a custom hair with a lighter undercut - I’m mostly happy with it, probably could’ve shifted it a shade closer to his skintone but the texturing was weird no matter what :P And his stripey shirt! I wish Body Shop didn’t have that hands-on-hips pose lol, it looks so much better in-game, but that’s all the better :)
I got some new clothes for Todd as well! As soon as I saw this ‘fit I was like “Oh that’s 100% Todd there he is.” Scriadad hug ♥ So cute
Foot-dancing together stopp it’s so cute!!
The way he looks at them stoppp <3 <3 They kept doing this right up til they left for home haha, Todd’s giggles are the cutest
Used SimPE to save him to the Body Shop, I now have infinite copies of The Boyyyy ♪
Moved him in with his “parents” as just shadow people basically, they’re not gonna matter in a bit as long as I remember how to get the Social Worker/Adoption process to work properly. Get her Todd!!
Wanna play? :D
Menacing :(
Look, Todd, your new dads are here! Initially I wasn’t sure who I wanted to adopt him, got lots of options; the first passes, the married couple with their own Todd, Johnny?? He definitely doesn’t have the facilities for a child lol But these are the ones that showed up on their own, so the married Vargases are the winners!
Scriabin cares more about him than his actual parents ;; A stranger off the street shows him more care! Not that it’s a high watermark
Look at him being a good dad!
Weh, he just wants friends ;; Poor baby
Best timeline, thank you
While we wait for CPS, let’s get some other interactions in! Nny is mean so he tended to prank the other two with a nose flick - mostly Edgar lol ♪ Now kiss
“Oh please don’t break all my bones~ :3” I love Todd looking up at them haha <3
Pffft, I think he was talking about the other Scriabin and just how attractive he is. Classic Scriabin. Alternatively, also funny to imagine him bragging himself up about how he’s just so handsome that Edgar can’t help but love him hahaha ♪
Allow me to tickle you with my KNIFE! >:D
Get a load of this guy lol
He ended up passing out at one point - I forgot which motives make CPS show up >.> - and completely 0%’d his comfort, but for some reason stargazing increased it?? It’s the same ground wh
Is two not enough to satisfy your butterfly bloodlust child?? He ended up with three, I had him release them before he was picked up by the Social Worker - success!
He rolled a new Want as soon as Todd was taken away - “Wants to see Ghost of Todd” Woah, dark! :0
And here he is on the married Vargases’ lot!! Success!! I did it right!! Heck yeah! :D Unfortunately they were uh, indisposed at the time. Good job guys pft
Goes right for Shmee, he really is Todd <3
#The Sims 2#My queue is too backlogged on main! And I /have/ been working on a lot of Vargas-specific Sims 2 retextures so it's fine lol#These are still tests - as said up top lol - so these events are ''non canon'' to what will eventually be my actual Vargas family#The beats will be similar tho! It's mostly just a lot of tweaking at this point to get everything just where I want before the domino falls#Edgar Nny and Todd are all so close to done - Scriabin still needs a bit more work lol of course he's the problem member ♪#It'll be worth it tho! >:3c Handsome lad <3#Did find out some interesting things with the Social Worker/Adoption process :0 Most importantly that adoption basically wipes everything#Wipes memories and family relations and changes the last name! So I'll have to go in with SimPE to change his name back once I'm there#I love SimPE haha ♪ I mean it's just an extension of how much I love TS2 but I just ughsjkhagf it's a good program!#It's extremely powerful and easy to get lost in if you don't know where to look but it's also incredibly user-friendly if you do know#Like - it's as easy as ''Open this sub-menu. Click this button. Rename this. You're all done'' it's just jdsflf Sims 2 my beloved <3 <3#I decided to cheat down the Casils' relationship with Todd before everything else - thus why his father is menacing him for the prank#I've seen Sims with not high enough friendship to not take a water balloon as a fun invitation but not between a parent and child!#It's subtle but the parent being mad and the kid cowering :( It's sadly appropriate for Todd#I stuck the Casils in a box to wait things out and they ended up glitching frozen in bed - they're effectively dead by Motive but can't move#So they can't die /or/ live - feels fitting#If you'd like to recreate CPS taking your child away without straight up torturing them! - Hunger. You just need hunger lol#Alternately you can also have them miss class if you'd prefer to feed them - both will result in being taken away after long enough#If I return to this save it's gonna be confusing since both Todds are identical and have the same names lol#I do have a bunch of new clothes! Second shopping trip :D#There's something oddly fitting for the Vargases to adopt twin/clones lol - fun shenaniganary until the Final Version comes to pass#Although now that I think of it I Could also give them a toddler!Todd hmmmmmm#It's an idea :)
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people won't fucking FORGET me i can't handle this anymore there's always a friend who wants to go someplace a friend who needs someone to go to the store with a friend who hasn't seen me in a while who wants to hangout, and i can't let those friendships decay i just can't i can't be this kind of asshole again, but it feels so shit it feels like i can't fucking relax cuz there's always something tomorrow something next week and something to do at school between classes and holy SHIT leave me ALONE please fucking stop talking to me i just want to relax and do things i enjoy.
#part of that is of course that ''going home'' isn't relaxing it's just waiting around for the next big anxiety-inducing event#and weekends aren't relaxing either because it's just more parent time#i do think my social battery would increase a little if i ever fucking get to live alone finally#but in the meantime i'm stuck doing community service because if i don't then nobody will#i can't refuse to do something helpful or nice for people when the alternative is going to binge and hate myself in my room#i just want to be far far away so badly#then i'll have an excuse#im well and truly stuck. either i go and i have a dreadful time before during and after.#or i don't and im missing out and im an awful friend.#before you hit me w the ''you're allowed to skip on an event your friends won't hate you!!!!''#i want to skip ALL OF THEM#and friendships are watered like plants okay my friends are legitimate not being friends w somebody who never hangs out#jesus christ i want a pause button i want to be stuck in a time loop for a little while#thinking about tomorrow makes me want to rope#i can go to school 9am to 3pm. but technically there's no class.#then my friend wants to go to the night museums for her birthday#which leaves like. five hours at least in the middle. in which we'll have to hang out.#and she wants to get food.#if at any point of that i go home it's the day my mom doesn't work so. i have to spend some more incredibly unsatisfactory time with her.#god it's making me want to rope even more than usual#vent#broadcasting my misery
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hmm i think i am not coping. very well
#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore#i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care#and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that#july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing#i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before#but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it#nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i#truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have#ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting#i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e#even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining#i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds#despite knowing a community of some kind would help#but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not#i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either#i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place#ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you#cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that#it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore#not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted#idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming#dlt ltr
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still feeling bad even after food and a couple hours of sleep. how mean
#one of these days the yearning for an understanding person to come home to at the end of a day will end me#until then i will probably have to complain about my stupid suffering#why must humans be a social species and why must i crave things i cannot have lol#why must i be stuck living with people i cannot ever trust again. want to be around people i like and who i can be vulnerable with#tbh if i still was as whiny in real life as i am on here most days i'd only get to hear 'shut up' and 'tough luck. man up'#and that is Not It. would only make me feel worse. so i keep quiet and keep to myself#which does not solve my original problem at all#maybe one day. maybe one day i can just be a beloved pet that doesn't get scolded or belittled for seeking comfort#that one thing my parents said to me 15 years ago still haunts me#'only people who deserve it get hugs' which was used to deny me comfort/affection. because apparently i am not worthy/deserving 👍#i was 13 going through the most vile shit at school but bc it affected me negatively and my parents didn't like me at my mentally illest#they just straight up denied me any type of comfort or support. took away my belongings. made me stay in my room for months on end#as corrective punishment. but none of it made me better. just made me worse. idk idk idk#all the shit they put me through. the emotional and physical punishments. the beatings borne from frustration#and still some part of me wants to seek comfort from them. BUT I SHOULDN'T. they broke my trust and my heart and soul so many times#it'd be straight up suicide to open up and be vulnerable with them again... lole running chest first into a wall of knives. no.#sorry. really in it tonight. gonna try to be more normal tomorrow
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Nope, I'm still crying
#i wish literally anybody from school remembered me#literally only 2 people i was friends with hace talked to me in the past four years#i had the realization tonight that i was never given the choice to nurture most of my friendships#everytime i tried outside of school hours including trying to join clubs my mom would make me leave halfway through then lecture me#that she didn't have time to drive to town and get me#but as soon as my brother wanted to join junior air force she suddenly had all the time and energy in the world to devote to that#so what I'm getting here is that my friendships and interests weren't important enough or worth her time#i wasn't interested in Junior air force 1 cause it wasn't offered to me and 2 I'm not a boit licker#no#i was interested in the video game and board game clubs cause my friends were in them and they WANTED me to join#but after not getting to stay for more than one full session after a month i left the board game club cause it wasn't fair to the others#and i only went to the video game clu once and i don't remember much of it cause i was too anxious that she was gonna flip on me#i kept waiting for her text but instead she showed up at the classroom and made me leave#so when the same teacher that ran the board game club asked if i wanted to join the chess club cause he knew i liked chess#i told him i couldn't cause i was too busy because i didn't want to deal with begging my mom to let me join#she would have said yes but would have continued not letting me stay and being super passive aggressive#I'm not even in the year book for the year my friends graduated#the one thing she did let me do was drama and i hated every second of it. it was genuinely a bad experience for me#yeah i had friends in drama but it's not the same as hanging with my nerdy guy friends playing a star wars ttrpg#the worst part is she gets so defensive when i bring it up and won't give me a reason outside of 'I guess I'm just the worst parent'#it's in those moments i really remember she's the youngest in her family#OH!! it gets worse! she told me when i was younger that she had to be an honorary cheer leader cause HER MOM absolutely refused to#let her join cheer and she's alsways been bitter about it but then she turns around and did basically the same thing to me ffs#at least she was allowed to hang out with people after-school i wasn't allowed to do that either#no. instead i spent the hours after shcool alone most days and my weekends home alone in my room. and she wonders why my social skills are#maybe if I'd been allowed to work on my relationships outside of a classroom i wouldn't have felt so abandoned when everyone i knew#graduated without me. maybe if i didn't have to start back at square one socially again and had people to text and hang with after class#i wouldn't have dropped out. and i think only atlas knows i dropped out. idk how to text these people without spunding like I'm looking for#sympathy when they ask what I'm up to. like yeah I'm stuck at home with an anxiety disorder and unemployed trying to get on disability#prisma vents
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Looking back at your Ask box…
… And realising you have Asks going back at least two years…
Which is a good thing bc I just accidentally found out someone blocked me that I think I only interacted w/ them all of once and I'm not sure why but I might know why and now I feel bad, and…
… Yeah. I'll. Uh. I'll go think about the Asks, maybe.
#Firebird Randomness#there's no real point in pursuing the other thing#I'm guessing it was my 01 melt down think I pushed a lot of people away w/ that one#I was twenty five and it was Covid and I was not in a great place emotionally#in it's own way 01 kept me going but damn did I get emotional about it#I still have pretty much the same opinions although I think I could explain them better now#I'm not stuck living w/ my parents I'm not in one of my most formative ages stuck in a global pandemic#I am constantly exhausted and burned out from work and thinking about going on meds again#I still have executive dysfunction and my social skills are subpar#I care to much and get worked up#I still have anxiety and depression#but I'm almost thirty (twenty nine end of this month!) I'm in a better living spot and I get paid okay#I still have weight and image problems and no motivation#but I don't have scurvy#gotta do my taxes#all in all… Doing okay#I still love Horobi and Fuwa w/ my whole heart#test for whoever reads the tags: who wants to see my merch/display wall???#it's covered in dust and has some Hakuouki and DMC stuff on it as well but I still think it's cool!
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as happy as i am for lissie and marcus (even though I knew they were already together because I literally watched them make out with my own two eyes) it was honestly my last straw. I’m so tired of seeing everybody on my social feeds happy and in relationships when I’ve just had the worst week of my life and have basically given up on falling in love because if I can’t even drive how am I going to go to places where I’ll meet people?!?!? i have spent every Valentine’s Day alone while my friends go on elaborate dates and I’m just so so tired
not the make out sesh 😩 oh to see them with my own two eyes irl... what a pretty sight it would be
this got quite personal and hit a little too close to home so im putting a lil keep reading thing
love :(( i’m truly sorry you feel this way... but god i felt this ask so much... first of all, i'm really sorry about you having a bad week. it's completely fine to feel the way you're feeling, it must really suck, but i'm sure you'll get the license and you'll be driving shortly!! i am keeping my fingers crossed for you ❤️
i’ve always been very calm about relationships and love, very much “i’m not in a rush” and “it’ll come when it’s time”. i’ve always been a hopeless romantic but i haven’t been stressed about it – i’ve always been so busy that i haven’t really had time for love, and i've been okay with hearing about friends and their great love lives while i've spent pretty much every weekend and holiday alone at home. but… eventually, it becomes exhausting, you know? when falling in love for real just seems so far away and like something so hard to achieve in some way....
i also kind of feel you on the driving part... i decided not to get my license for a bunch of reasons, and idk how i'll get around without driving... but also as i am still living with my parents, it just seems impossible to meet someone, because where would i bring them? home to meet my snooping parents?? no way
i think we just gotta hold on to the hope that when it is the right time, it will happen. i don't believe in the whole "don't rush it" thing, i think that we're all allowed to seek and chase love if we want to, but i also think it's okay to take a step back and just breathe and be okay with the situation. unfortunately, our current day society is so formed around relationships, soft launches and hard launches and dinner date pics on insta and public proposal videos, that i feel like the pressure easily gets overwhelming. there's also something in the way that people think other people's love lives is any of their business, like friends and relatives asking me why i don't have a boyfriend, as if a partner is something i need to live my life? surely it would make it better, but i don't need to be reminded and hurt yet again over the fact that i'm alone, when i'm just trying to move on in life...
i'm trying to stay patient, open to any opportunity, and remembering that social media is merely a highlight reel and not reality. i hope you too can find peace in remembering that things will get better, we just have to work through this first. we will get through it and come out stronger on the other side. darling, if you ever need something from me, want to rant, or anything else, know that my messages and inbox are always open 💗
#ive really liked seeing drivers and their partners recently#but i think that in some way it's just like a coping mechanism to cope with the fact that im so very alone#i think it originates in the wish of being one of them even though i do feel very realistic and dont actually believe that it could happen#but i mean honestly#if we werent even the tiniest bit delusional#would we be here writing and reading the self insert fics??#like sure i dont do it just for that reason#i love writing and i love fiction no matter what kind and blah blah#but we could've all been reading random scifi or romance fics instead and yet so many people get stuck on celebs x reader#housing is really expensive in my city so not a lot of people move out early (like pretty much none of my friends have moved out)#and i just dont get how they manage to have partners and still live at home? are their parents not crazy like mine??#i am supposed to be moving out soon though but rn idk how that would change my situation#still have to deal with social anxiety and shit#this ask hurt so much#ive been hitting a pretty rough patch recently aswell and im kind of thinking that i need to break down fully to be able to build myself up#but its so goddamn scary#idk why im oversharing and ranting so much shfkdjf i apologize#i really hope you find happiness and a great love#i truly admire you for working through this despite how hard it all is#why does it all have to be so exhausting?#asks!
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🫧🛝🤸🚇🏺
#um here are some emojis i find good and interesting#because im going to vent a little sorry#because i really am not doing well with being indefinitely stuck at my parents house in a place#that is physically isolated as well as socially#and i wanna die a lot#and i feel the need to just say it on multiple soc med platforms because i have something wrong with me#and ill probably end up deleting this#but umm i feel like a failure bc i cant get a job in a place i can actually live and i cant even get a temporary job here to make money#to help move or at least get out the house so im doing awesome and great#awesome#and great
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