#because im going to vent a little sorry
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#um here are some emojis i find good and interesting#because im going to vent a little sorry#because i really am not doing well with being indefinitely stuck at my parents house in a place#that is physically isolated as well as socially#and i wanna die a lot#and i feel the need to just say it on multiple soc med platforms because i have something wrong with me#and ill probably end up deleting this#but umm i feel like a failure bc i cant get a job in a place i can actually live and i cant even get a temporary job here to make money#to help move or at least get out the house so im doing awesome and great#awesome#and great
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gahhhh pay attention to me!!!! I wanna have 99+ notes by the time I check tumblr next plzzzz jiraiblr
#jirai boy#jirai danshi#jirai kei#jirai lifestyle#jiraiblogging#jiraiblr#lifestyle jirai#jirai#landmineblr#landmine kei#landmine boy#landmine#landmine type#landmineblogging#jirai blogging#i miss my bf so bad chat he's literally the only thing keeping me going rn but he keeps having shitty days that are making him want to khs#even more than usual and if he goes through with it idk what im meant to do with myself because im a dependent little pos 💔#sorry for that little vent there I love all of my followers please don't leave me#❤️❤️❤️
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#i kinda forgot why i try to spend as little time near my family as possible but then i go to their house and in the matter of a few days#they insult my appearance insult my friends and (albeit unknowingly) insult my partner#then proceed to tell me i look like shit and i will never be successful and that they think im going to hell because i don't act#in the specific religious way they want me to#they also told me i'd never get a husband which theyre not wrong about but still#so yeah if i ever start to forget why i hate my family please point me back to this cause ill forget again and i Can't Afford To Forget#to be clear i have a contingency if things become imminently dangerous like i'd be okay but id like to not do that if possible#like do i feel safe? no. but id rather risk it and keep their financial support and the car for as long as possible#so in a way it's a bit my own fault i'm still here but it is what it is i've accepted it#anyway sorry for the vent post but it's been absolute shit and did i mention i hate the holidays#personal
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#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired bro…….#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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ARMYs are really just burnt out and I don’t think the rapid fire pace of releases has helped anything. It’s amazing as a fan to get all this music, but the expectation to chart everything I think is unrealistic and kind of overwhelming. People just don’t have that kind of time, energy, or money to go all out for every comeback when they happen every other month, sometimes several in a single month. It especially doesn’t help if ARMYs aren’t feeling the song, and I don’t think they’ve felt quite a bit of CH2 music.
I have longer thoughts on all this, but I just have so much annoyance towards some chart ARMYs and their unrealistic expectations and their refusal to acknowledge that the current organized fandom streaming power isn’t what they think it is. Another big wave of HL victimization (but sometimes TH is also included??) from ARMYs and it just opened the doors for so much resentment and hatred to be thrown towards jkk but especially Jimin. It was really disturbing to go and block these people & find I had 5-10+ moots following each time. It’s really out of control.
I’m just tired of this RL discourse while they ignore the twenty elephants in the room that explain why the streams are where they are (and no it’s not because “ARMYS hate RL”.). Instead they just throw these tantrums that further divide an already deteriorating and toxic fandom. I don’t know what it will take for them to understand that a fandom that doubled with Dynamite is going to prefer pop music, and that the majority of ARMYs are in fact not zombie streamers but fans who casually listen to the music that appeals to them. Not to mention the fact that a lot of ARMYs aren’t even active right now, so many of them have been dropping off and waiting for BTS to return as a group.
It really just keeps getting worse and worse in ARMY spaces. I’m pretty sure active ARMYs are about 90% diet solos at this point. It’s extremely messed up what a lot of them can get away with saying and not get canceled or called out for. It’s also just this hyper-fixation on drama, shooter accounts, NewJean’s, MHJ, raging against whatever fandom approved villain of the month, trending pointless hashtags for random reasons, and then being shady and resentful because of these arbitrary goals they set that are often influenced by using Jimin as a goalpost.
#discourse#just a little fandom rant#wanted to be present for NJs comeback#but yeahhhhh#definitely shouldn’t have come back to this side of the fandom#they’re genuinely intolerable sometimes#most of the time actually#they’re really going to chase all the good people out#maybe they already have#and some of the nasty stuff i was seeing about JM yesterday was unreal#ARMYs are entirely to blame for the solo and diet problem too btw#just like they are with tkkrs#but i wont get into all that rn#alright sorry#back to ignoring the fandom mess#ahdgljhadslghsdg#just remembered something else i read that pissed me off#but im going to stop myself 😩#vent series#wait actually one last point in my tags#but RL streams arent even that low#its because they lost sight of what our normal streams ACTUALLY look like#because theyre comparing everyone to jkk#and specifically jm#even though they pretend theyre not pitting the members against each other#like how on earth can you complain about THs streams??#its neglect if any member is lower than JM??#im gonna write another post about JM being the goalpost one day lol
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#:3....#sorry for leaving forever btw i feel like. idk. being online is very hard for me lately sorry.#i know no one gives a shit because i never had a personality but its fine. i just feel like venting that. because i feel a little sick.#(not for serious reasons i think its just been a long week and DID YOU SEE THEY RELEASED THE TF2 COMIC...?? WTF)#im a little tired but eeh. i still love HS and UT a lot i wish i could go back to the hype.#ive been thinking of rereading yet again (actually i never finished my last reread but. its fine. i just want to read acts 1-5 again)#(not that i dont want to read act 6...i dooo i do i do but im lazy)#im rambling and tired :3 i need to finish my gift for the secret santa for this year...#im very excited always but ive been so tired lately i feel a little guilty. but i WILL. FINISH. IT. AAAHHH.#if you read this for some reason hi. how are you? i hope its fine. been a shit year but maybe it can be fine.#sorry for talking
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Ok not cool why am I hearing voices
#i need to go to the doctor 🧍🏼♂️#somethings wrong because usually they're not this clear#its weird and i dont like it#they sound like people i know and its too much right now#little vent sorry but i think im actually struggling#im so confused#aurhhg#ren won't shut up#mental illness#idk sometimes they get really clear and it freaks me out#other times it sounds like a bunch of voices talking over each other and it drives me crazy#most of the time when they're clear they just have very boring conversations#wow i didn't realize how much this was affecting me huh#most of the time its right as im trying to fall asleep. i can't tell if its just my dreams?? idk#but sometimes ill hear very loud words that are super clear#aa its scary sometimes grrr but normally it doesn't mess me up#but i heard a loved one say “help me” and now im freaking out aaaaurgggg#gonna text them because i also have paranoia really bad#tw mental illness#idk just in case i guess#im fine just a little spooked jdkxjsjxj#anyways sorry for the vent/ramble i just really needed to type it all out#might delete later idk
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guys i’m totally and completely fine with the fact that no one ever cares about me as much as i care about them ^U^ <- lying
#i just kind of lost my friend group#there wasn’t a fight or anything i think they just drifted away from me#or maybe i drifted away from them#i don’t really know what happened but none of them message me anymore#i realized that i only talked to them if i started the conversations#so i just stopped starting them#it sucks because for a while i thought i had a best friend (which i haven’t had since i was really little or maybe ever)#but i think i was just doing the thing i do where i idolize someone for a while and see them as perfect#and now i’m trying to make new friends and it’s not going terrible#but i can’t help but feel like this is cyclical and it’s gonna happen again#and eventually i’ll run out of people willing to put up with me#and i’ll never find someone who cares enough to stay#and even if i do i’ll push them away because i don’t believe them when they say they care about me#i’m so jealous when i read about or see good friends because i want that so bad#but i don’t know if that’s ever going to be something i get to have#anyways that’s where im at rn#sorry for the vent lol#barking into the void
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Absolutely fucking stupid that my schools suicide prevention protocol is to basically to put someone in house arrest until a professional can write and “prove” that theyre okay so that theyre sure that they can let a student back in. Yeah. Sure. Just force someone to be in the house where they are even MORE at danger when there are literal sharp objects makes it easier to do it
#jesus fucking christ sorry im having anxiety palpitations again#its not fair#guidance counselor isnt even fucking. doing shit. not replying or making any fucking meetings with my therapist#just fucking great#its been on my mind recently#i never accepted it because i never realized it#i knew it wad unfair but i never realized that until now#just like one week before school starts#its not fair for them to basically put me in house arrest for a year while my anxiety brews every day while they sit on their fucking asses#and just. not do anything. be slow with arranging everything. isnt that your whole job?#literally fuck you#this was supposed to make me feel ‘better’ ive literally gotten worse#nothing has changed and i have become a worse person than i was before#i wasted a whole year rotting in anxiety AGAIN. its literally just like the pandemic happened again but im stuck watching everyone be free#and yeah! im bitter about the whole fucking thing! i think i deserve it#maybe i shouldnt talk like this. maybe im just overreacting#all i got out of this was heart palpitations and an english essay topic#just needed to type this out to ground myself a little#anyways ill go back to my regular insane posting after this. maybe…#who knows? maybe ill just be gone one day#whatever#im deleting this later#tw suicide#vent
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Feeling like I'm on a swing and I'm desperately trying not to go back down from the highest position BUT LIKE IT'S LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. AND IT'S UPSETTING
#vent#: L#idk how to put this into words really;; this is the best that comes to my mind lolz#2025 is gonna drive me nuts im telling you#i even feel sorry for how bad ive feeling lately AND IT'S JUST BEEN 21 DAY!! DUDE IT'S SO LITTLE AND and im swinging back n forth here#insane; not cool#there's so much suicidal in me it's too much for a creature my size (insert that lilo&stich meme here)#anyways#yeah tumblr is kinda the best place to talk bout it FOR ME because tbh i dont feel like talking about it all with any of my close friends#i don't understand whats going on howd they help me then khh#ANYWAYS X2 good night to me i should really go to sleep soon...
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having to explain to people things like. if i have to go out to do something and run errands i need to have it all mapped out and planned w like. at least a week in advance. and if i go out that day i cannot do anything else because That will be it. if i have multiple commitments that cannot be put on the same day i need one full day in between those commitments so i can rest and be recharged for that next thing otherwise i might have a breakdown in the middle of the street (again) and then That will render me unable to function for like a whole three days. and then people look at me like i choose to live like this?
#txt#audhd tag#just venting a little#its crazy because ppl around me are like I understand your limitations However why dont you-#So you dont understand my limitations?#like okay yeah i understand that it must be Weird for people that are not Inside my brain and hard to understand that i PHYSICALLY CANNOT>#do things that they dont even think about. alright! but to sit and tell me Yeah we get it! but then try to either fix it or >#> come up w a New Incredible Way To Fix Me as if half of what i talk abt w my therapist isnt Exactly This#like yeah i dont fucking like it either. i wish i could do shit like other ppl do. i wish i could remember things.#i wish i didnt feel exhausted all the time i wish simply leaving my bed wasnt the most difficult task every single morning#but it pisses me OFF when people try to talk me through these Limitations i have that They Understand<3 like. can you be accommodating or no#one of my closest friends and oldest friends since i was like 5 had her bday on friday and she ljterally messaged me like#Hi we r having something w my family but theyre rly loud and extremist on the right wing side and i barely wanna be here u dont have 2 come>#> but i wanted to invite u anyway so u dont think ur being left out! and i was like Yayy nice thank u bc lbr i probably wouldnt go anyway.#and she KNOWS that. and she literally was talking to me like she alwahs does and That felt accommodating and understanding and i felt loved#cut to my mom last night trying to make me feel guilty for not going because Shes my friend and i should have gone anyway.#i told her off and she backtracked but thats still innmy head like. that shit is so irritating#okay sorry vent over im just aboht to get my period so this is making me sick#want to yell into the void and forget about it. Hits post
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Man I wish I could "both sides" the people who have told me to kill myself (they incorrectly assumed I write specific controversial content) and the people that.... Don't.
#vent#rant#yes this is about proshippers and antishippers#to clarify antishippers were the ones who told me to kms#the worst a proshipper has been is annoying#proship#antishippers dni#antis dni#idk i do get what people mean when they do the whole “both sides-” because its kinda chronically online bs#but on the other hand#its difficult to think “oh yeah being told to kms whilst in a very sensitive state was just a chronically online thing”#and idk i just feel like its a bit rude to people on either side who have experienced harassment and death threats to go “erm i dont care”#“im an adult-” okay but like being accused of abusing children because you dare to think suibaiting sucks kinda wears on you.#“i care about real problems” so do i! i also think its incredibly dismissive to tell others “hey your bad experience is beneath me”#idk sorry im just a little pissy today
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"it wasn't the right decision to send me away"
??? really??? did she really just fucking say that???
what. the. fuck.
SHE WAS SENT AWAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TRYING TO FUCKING KILL US ALL
but NOOOOOOOO
it wasn't a "good decision"
yes, my dearest sister, we should have let you stay with us while we were actively in danger of you harming any one of us (including yourself) at any time and where we all feared for our lives.
LIKE IM SORRY I WANT TO LIVE?!?!?
i- i just can't fucking do this right now oml
AND WE'RE THE BAD GUYS?? WE'RE THE BAD GUYS. REALLY?! REALLY?
#sorry for another rant yall#im just like#GRAHHHHHHHHHHHH#really fucking annoyed#and also my period just started so i think im extra sensitive#ahaha😃#also this was at dinner?#like wtf#dhe just randomly started talking about therapy during dinner#WHICH IS FINE#but she was telling us everything she told her new therapist#and it's like-#i don't actually care??#like stfu#im going to jump you if i have to hear you say how hard it is because our parents aren't doing a good job parenting you#BECAUSE THEY FUCKING ARE#AND YOURE JUST A LITTLE BRAT WHO CANT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER AND ONLY CARES ABOUT HERSELF#FUCK#im boutta crash out#teehee#anyways yall can just ignore this my bad#rant#sibling issues#tw rant#vent#tw vent
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i just miss him so bad you know
#i go to think about my characters and i want to tell him little details i forgot to tell him that i remember but i can't#this is so fucking repetitive im sorry#ive made so many ''i miss him'' posts who am i#but i DO#and i don't know who to talk to#and there isn't even all that much to say.#im worried about him and i miss him and i want him to talk to me again so bad#it was the most unique friendship ive ever had. in the best way#maybe im too attached...or maybe you know. i love my friends.#and want to talk to them#of course im attached#i don't think he'd miss me this much though to be honest#man. this sucks i think#my mother asked me if im angry at him#for not responding to me#i think anger is the emotion i'm feeling the least#of course i'm not angry#this is a very him thing. i get it#but i'm worried and anxious and sad and man. i really do fucking miss him#and i know if he never talks to me again he's not going to say anything#and honestly i think there's a medium chance he'll never talk to me again. because i know him#are you getting tired of these stupid vent posts yet where i say the same thing over and over#and also hope he's not checking my blog#he probably isn't#thank god#um. yeah anyway
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man.. i wish i had someone to talk to about this but i either literally cannot say or i dont trust anyone enough
#thunder roars#i hate how easy it is to set me off about this stupid thing#and im stuck vague posting about it lol#the more i notice these little triggers the worse they get everytime#i was able to brush it off like a year or two ago but the longer this goes on the worse it gets#sorry i know its like. really annoying wen i get into a post talking abt this#its just my only slight comfort for it. i dont want people to push me into talking about it if i were to go to my friends to say this#so im just. here. talking about it indirectly#:(#i feel like my life is literally falling apart because of this and i CANT TELL ANYONE#almost everyday its all i think about and it drives me crazy. i want to stop feeling like this so bad#atp i dont even know if venting to someone would help. i need therapy probably. but getting it off my chest would help maybe#sorry ppls dashes i will be normal again promise
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Hey @mod, doing ok?
It's been one heck of a year, anon. One heck of a year. New shark dropped tho, very excited about that
#not disabled queer culture is#got a cane its purple and sparkly and i love it#entered into a lovely indefinably queer relationship with a fellow AAA battery :3#ITS ALL VENTING AFTER THIS TAG SORRY#moved to a new position at my job that is simultaneously so much better and so much worse for my health#pros: less standing more sitting; early day hours so im not feeling like my day is over the second i get home due to time blindness;#i get to go home pretty much as soon as im done with my work; its mentally engaging; i can have headphones in#cons: 4 am is when my workday starts; i come home and sleep the rest of the day; i'm working more hours than i realistically can#because the alternative is make my coworker work herself into the hospital and make myself have to work 60-70 hour weeks (aka: summer 2024)#because none of the people with any actual power to change that situation will listen to my proven to be extremely correct concerns#because they think im a stupid little kid#uhhhhh non work related. well kinda work related. the fatigue from work caused this#dropped out of college after flunking an entire semester's worth of classes#got put in the endless loop of 'we'll do a blood test' 'looks normal see you next time and we'll do another blood test'#tried to get in to see a doctor at mayo clinic#got rejected and basically told my case was too hopeless to put strained resources on#currently ive more or less given up on healthcare matters for now#so uhh yeah. we ball
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