#maybe i shouldnt talk like this. maybe im just overreacting

[pillowenvelopchair]

Absolutely fucking stupid that my schools suicide prevention protocol is to basically to put someone in house arrest until a professional can write and “prove” that theyre okay so that theyre sure that they can let a student back in. Yeah. Sure. Just force someone to be in the house where they are even MORE at danger when there are literal sharp objects makes it easier to do it

[munamania]

is it really really stupid to give her the gift. i know she’s not worth it and im making myself feel like shit over and over and i need to stop and it doesnt matter how sad or angry i am about it she’s not just gonna dump him and even if she did i wouldn’t like. want to be the second choice (not that i inherently would be. weirdo dream scenario) and it’s just not gonna affect her much to not see me anymore and i have to be okay with that. and im truthfully not rn but i have to be cause that’s the reality. anyway lost my point there

[burning-sol]

gosh outing myself as not being a fan of egg jokes. im not a true tranny and r being kicked out as we speak... ig im so uncomfy becauze idk we always talk abt how we should always believe what someone identitifies as and its not our business to gatekeep who is trans.. but then ppl turn around and think its okay to gender someone as trans who doesnt want to identify that way. its been pointed out that cis ppl too can experience gender dysphoria, so do u think a person's discomfort is funny so long as they're not trans? why does being trans change things.

not to mention that the concept of an "egg" in the first place.. idk, i just dont like defining other ppl's experiences for them. some ppl are judt trying to be nice like "its okay, i kno u were alwayd trans.." but you dont know that. i dont want someone to assume what my experience is with my transness. maybe i was a boy who realised he was enby all along, or maybe i was girl and one day i woke up and decided to be something different. u get what i mean? i think some of u are just assuming everyone becomes trans the same way, when the point of being queer is that there IS no unifying way to be queer.

maybe im just overreacting, i know ppl are just trying to joke around and not all trans ppls sense of humour is the same. but i still feel like sometimes y'all push it too far and assume things u shouldnt.

[pasta-and-hedgehogs]

I wish I could be done people pleasing it happens so much I let people talk down to me and treat me like fucking shit I shouldnt take this I dont have to take this im not just a little follower not just a little sheep I dont want to be someone who makes you feel good. I think I regret becoming friends with you I dont hate you but I really wish you would treat me better I hate this instability of being needed until im not, of being useful until im not I feel like a placeholder like until something else comes along thats better more fun. I cant say this out loud but I dont think that Im just imagining everything. I just need to focus on what is real and what is true I just want to feel secure in myself because when I can do that I dont think this will hurt as much I wont need reassurance I wont be a burden I can just be me not a thing, I want to let myself be happy I want to be able to set boundaries I want to know that I exist and not just as a clody reflection but to truly be. I dont think that Im overreacting because I just want someone who wont make me throwing up about how they hate sick I want someone who would care about me hurting myself over and over again. Maybe im being too harsh.

[dip-the-stick]

no clue how to feel abt men giving women they're interested in pepper spray and stuff. like yes it's very sweet of you to not want me to get raped randomly but also. what the fuck.

[mar-bluu]

.

[bubbled-clouds]

whats up bitches im gunna rant about this because HOLY SHIT

if you have instagram look up @/deejuusan and read her story please its So meaningful (her webtoon is my All Time Favorite i Love it sm)

rant starts here ❤️

Saving someone is Such a complex subject, because theres So many factors someone would need saving from, and sometimes you dont even know all of them.

Deejuusan talked about how holding out your hand to someone, wont help out everyone bc Theyre not putting in the work to Be Saved, and you cant do it all by yourself. to be saved, you have to have At Least an inkling of ‘god i want to be out of [position] this isnt helpful for me/people around me’ (in my personal opinion) you just have to Accept Some sort of help

and i think thats something *i* realized recently, yes my situation isnt the Worst of the Worst but i still Want help and i still Want to get out of here, gunna use a quote from wwda bc i fucking love it sm

when iroh said that a flower in the shade can still prosper in the sunlight, if you have two flowers lets say flower A and flower B, flower a is in the sun flower b is in the shade, if you Suddenly put flower a in the shade it wont do well for a good amount of time and maybe not even survive (idk the analytics so dont take my word for it-) this doesnt mean that flower a is any less stronger than flower b its just that suddenly being in the shade is a bad situation for flower a and it wasnt Prepared for it

its the same with bad situations just bc You feel like youre struggling more than someone doesnt mean theyre overreacting, this is not normal for them and if you feel like its normal for you, thats incredibly sad you Shouldnt have to feel that way, but that doesnt mean you can put other people down

healing takes two, if you put down others youre stopping someone from healing, its basically slapping that outstretched hand that’s pleading for help and thats just ‘!!!! >:(((((‘ idc if you had it worse, that’s No excuse for saying ‘omg youre so spoiled’ or ‘omg i had it sm more worse than you’ albeit i had that mentality when i was younger But i learned and im still learning so!!! Basically, lets all try to Be Better ❤️

(and dont punish yourself for not being able to help someone, you have yourself to take care of and if that person isnt willing to ask for help/help you help themselves its not your fault!)

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[gridoc]

Hi yes, but has anyone talked about *the first kiss* yet, because i just started to think about it and idk when it would happen, would it be when grian was passed out in that alley all and doc saved him? Or after taurtis kissed grian and doc was all sad, and didn't go for their dual and grian got the word that no one has seen doc in days? Or when doc got shot, and grian was arguing with him as to why he took the bullet (and maybe doc accidentally confesses)? -🍃

OMG THESE POSSIBILITIES????? I actually have been thinking abt first kiss and I was thinking maybe a bit after Taurtis kissed Grian where the crew gets in a fight and Grian does soemthing rly risky ?? Like maybe they were kinda outnumber and losing so Grian jumped across onto the other ship and set fire to it?? And then last second jumped back to safety. And ofc Doc was PISSED,, Everyone else was congratulating cause tbh pirate life means risk but Doc still was like?? U DIDNT HAVE TO DO THAT WTF,,, And was angry (which be shouldnt have cause Grian could get out and normally before he trusts him to get out but that doesnt mean he wont get worried and in the moment he didnt think and just went ahead and got it his feelings out) and grian was like "yo wtf???" And also got pissed, and was like "you have no right to shout at me, you don't get to tell me what to do! As far as I'm aware im not even a pirate! I got on this because I had no choice! And we both know that I'm going to escape the first opportunity that I get to get away from you dirty pirate!" Whicb was. Too much, Grian bad the right to get mad he was too harsh and impulsive and after saying those words Doc looked at him wide eyed as Grian huffed and realises what he said but in the moment the two turned away and Grian left to the crew sleeping quarters to sulk on his hammock and Doc stomped off to the captain's quarters,, and the two werent seen for the res of the day thinking over the conversation In private.

Both of then felt guilty, Doc for overreacting and what Grian said made him feel worse and Grian regretted his own words so much and he wishes he hadn't said them. Later when everyone was asleep Grian decided to apologize and hoped Doc was still awake, so he tiptooed out and when to talk to Doc. He knocked onto the door and heard Doc say"come in" and Grian went in and saw Doc with his back turned away from him, Doc started talking "Ren, I actually jsut wanted to ask yo-" he turns around and sees Grian. "Grian! I-" clearly shocked but also happy to see him? Also kind of relieved??

Doc is like "Grian I wanted to apologize, " he starts and walks towards him, not too close as usual though, "you're rigth, you arent here in your volition and I shouldnt be telling you what to do-" and Grian knows hes going to go on so he steps closer to Doc and takes his hands (it shuts Doc up then.) Grian shakes his head, "no- doc no. I . I like it here. I do. I like the adrenaline, the adventure, I like being a part of this adventure." Doc was quiet and was just staring at Grian who was instead staring down at their holding hands, "I shouldnt have said dirty pirate, im- I'm not going to escape. Why would I? I really like it here. I really like everyone " he looks up, "I really like you " the two got closer, "I dont think I can ever leave, I dont want to leave- I dont want to leave you."

And its OBVS,, That they want to kiss but both are too nervous as they hold their shaking hands, and Doc in a quiet voice finally says "Please tell me to get away from you, please. Please tell me to stop holding you hand " Grian shakes his head, And its Obvious. Doc looks in his eyes, "I'm going to ruin you, you shouldnt be here." Cause no matter what his crew or Grian say, Docs knows what he does- and he feels he doesnt deserve Grian and he shouldnt like him and doesnt want Grian to love him, to love someone like him. But Grian shakes his head "Ruin me then." And Doc closes the gap immediately

[swordfaery]

hm. thinking about that time i got misgendered on discord and i said “hey we have pronouns roles, please dont use that pronoun for me” n then i got told i was being too aggressive by a cis person and how no one would ever take me seriously talking about pronouns if i wasnt calm and impartial, and then everyone starting weighing in about how it wasnt like id been misgendered on purpose and maybe i shouldnt have such a feminine profile picture and how i was overreacting and saying i was transphobic for enforcing the sterotype that trans people are militant about pronouns, and then getting upset when i said i didnt care about cis peoples opinions on how i dealt with being misgendered and saying it was offensive to call them cis and how did i Know that they were cis and couldnt i just calm down.

anyway that was the same server that got upset with me (a minor who was 16 at the time (im technically still 16 but tomorrow im 17 so)) for calling an adult a paedophile when they said relationships between a 16 year old and a twenty year old were ok. and also that i was heterophobic. 

there isnt a point to this post im not going to mention which server it was this isnt a callout, im just remembering and angry

(if you are or were on that server, remember this, and want to send me anon hate, feel free) 

[sea-laviee]

okay i need to rant about this but it may trigger someone so TW!! i was abused a year ago by one of my dads ""friends"", like they werent exactly friends, the guy was just related to my dads actual friend (idk if that makes sense), but yh my dad decided to tell him about what happened and all he said was like "oh that sucks😕😕" and ig he didnt believe him and moved on. they literally were acting like nothing happened yesterday when they were hanging out and im so fucking mad i want to cry (1/2)

holy fuck im so fucking sorry baby. im so so sorry. i can’t even begin to imagine how hurt you must feel. i want to tell you first hand that everything you’re feeling right now is completely valid, you’re not overreacting whatsoever. abuse is no fucking joke, in any sense. it’s heartbreaking to hear that your parents are still hanging around them after that happened to you. maybe you should sit them down and talk to them about how it makes you feel, and i really hope they listen to you. this shouldnt be normalized at all, it’s absolutely disgusting. please please talk to your parents and update me, i love u okay ? 🥺

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from X

hey!! sorry this might not rlly be the right blog to ask- i just dont know where else to go- but today at lunch i was hanging out with my friends, and a few weeks ago two of them started dating- my best friend and another close friend- and why this matters is bc before and even when they first started dating, my best friends partner was 100% okay with us being physically close, and we have been like that since very soon after we became friends, so it shouldnt be at all surprising (1/?) -✖

but lately they’ve been pretty aggressively possessive and kinda scary and stand off-ish toward me, and today at lunch, i was just resting my head on my best friend’s lap, and his partner kinda looked at me with this slightly angry look and tgeir eyes were kinda pin-pricked?? and they mouthed somethin like “get the fuck up and off my man” and they sounded like they were holding back anger at me and none of my other friends noticed, so i did, and then i kinda just layed on the ground (1/?) -✖

and then my friends ignored me and i just felt rlly shitty and i kinda started crying silently and they didnt rlly notice or they didnt care and im probably overreacting and then when lunch ended, me and my friend(not best friend- his partner- who is also my friend) usually talk while we walk to our classes bc we walk in the same way- but they ignored me completely and then after school we all usually hang out before going home but i just left immediately bc i felt shitty (3/?) -✖

and i didnt want to bother them any more then i already have today and like?? they didnt notice rlly until way later and my other friends all texted me kinda worried(im fucjing stupid and over emotional amd i didnt respond) but the one that was mad at me didnt at all, and when i texted them apologizing for laying on my best friend they did get the text but they didnt respond? like am i just overreacting? i feel like im overreacting and i feel like a rlly shitty person rn. sorry. (last one) -✖

Hello X.

I am sorry that these two friends of yours have changed towards you and are stand offish towards you, I know how horrible and isolating that can feel. Obviously you haven’t done anything wrong, you have always had a physical friendly relationship with this friend and the way you are acting is what you’ve always acted like, so for them to act this way when you haven’t done anything wrong is unfair. I understand that your best friends partner was okay beforehand with you being physical but it looks as if they’ve changed their mind about the situation. Maybe they were okay about it whilst they were dating but when things turned serious in a relationship they didn’t feel as comfortable as it. All relationships have boundaries and maybe your best friends partner feels as though being physical especially in front of their face is a little too much for them. Now obviously you haven’t done anything wrong like I said and its something you’ve always done but maybe your best friend’s partner doesn’t think it is okay. The physical touching might be too much for her. 

The way they are acting and making you feel isn’t okay though, being aggressive and mouthing ‘get the fuck off my man’ isn’t nice or mature. You don’t deserve to be spoken to in that manner and if you best friend’s partner has an issue with the physical touching then they should come and speak to you in a calm and mature manner not use an aggressive tone and make you cry the way that they did. I am sorry that you felt as though your friends were ignoring you when you was upset but the likelihood is their either didn’t know how to react or that they didn’t see you cry because they didn’t see what went on. I don’t think you are overreacting, your feelings are valid. I do think your friends do care about you because they did text you when you went home and didn’t hang out, but sometimes its hard to see that. 

I think it was such a brave thing for you to do apologising to this person and it shows that you are really mature. If she didn’t respond its not your fault, she may just need some space and time and is still probably dealing with her feelings towards the situation. Hopefully she will come around and talk to you about how she feels in the future.

I do recommend you and her have a chat to avoid this in the future. You obviously want to be her friend as well as your best friend so it would be a good idea to sort all this out as best as you can and clarify how she feels in regards to the touching. Explain to her that you don’t mean anything by being physical you simply are just friends with her partner, but if she feels uncomfortable by it that you’ll try and stop/do it less as you respect her feelings and the fact she is in a relationship with him. Hopefully she can be honest and let you know it bothers her so then you can move forward from it.

You aren’t a bad person trust me, you have always been physical with this person and your best friend partner has always approved of it so how was you to know otherwise? You have’t done anything wrong.

Take care.

Ariel xo

[otterplusharchive]

hi, I've followed for awhile and I love your energy to put kindness into the world and i needed to ask/vent: I cut off/broke off with long term friends, and i thought i was at least mostly over it, but im hurting again and my mind isnt accepting from me that, I had reasons, some of them didnt accept my boundries, others when i looked actually were possibly into really bad shit in secret mostly. but i feel guilty for leaving for how long we were friends, and they (1/3)

you dont have to apologize at all okay u can always talk and vent as much as you need im here for u and always wanna listen.. also im sorry if im replying to this late!!

cutting off people who you were friends with/close to for a long time who turned out to be hurtful/toxic/just not good to be around is a genuinely hard thing and its perfectly reasonable for you to still be upset about that sometimes.

it hurts when we lose people who were close to us in any way, its a change in our life and with any change like that its something that might take a while to get used to and to come to terms with.

its okay to hurt about this, youre not silly or overreacting in any way and i promise you that in time this pain will lessen.

i want you to know that you arent doing anything wrong by getting away from these people. you arent a bad person for distancing yourself from people who were bad to be around.

i know that sometimes we put other peoples feelings before our own, but really your safety and comfort are the priority here and you arent somehow bad for cutting these people off to keep yourself safe and their feelings arent your responsibility, if theyve gotten upset with you for leaving this friend group thats not your responsibility either.

you need to be focusing on your own feelings and safety instead of only thinking of if someone will be upset with you for being upset. and honestly if this friend group were upset with you for being uncomfortable then thats.. bad

because in healthy friendships you should be able to voice when youre upset and work things out without the other people getting mad at you and if a friend were to say "well you being upset at me makes ME upset so youre the one hurting ME by saying im hurting you" thats a HUGE red flag.

you and your feelings and your boundaries deserve to be respected. i know that it can be hard to assert your boundaries against people especially when people continously cross them but its absolutely okay to speak up and to say that whats going on isnt alright.

these people had no right to continuously cross lines that they shouldnt have and honestly with the mention of a few of them secretly being into gross stuff youre honestly much safer and better off without them in your life

it can still hurt to remember the times you had with these people and its really tempting to check up on people/read texts/look at old posts and i myself had this problem before too.

there might be some kind of blocking app/chrome extension out there that would block the pages of ppls blogs that you could maybe install to lake syre that you cant get to those things whrn youre feeling bad, but one thing ive done before is any time i get that urge i reach out to someone just to talk either about that or anything, and i open up a different page to watch something that i enjoy thatll distract myself.

please dont beat yourself up over this, you really havent done anything wrong and you can still move forward and grow and discover amazing people in the future who will love you and treat you well.

you deserve healthy and happy friendships with open communication and respect. you arent a bad person for getting yourself out of a harmful situation, in fact youre incredibly brave and im proud of you.

remember that your health and safety come first. yes its very important to be kind to others and not want to harm anyone, but you need to apply that same love and kindness to yourself! if someone is repeatedly hurting you and upsetting you its okay to distance yourself from them.

i really hope youre safe and that youll feel better soon, if you need to talk more im here for you and i believe in you

[iamsonyeondone]

heir!svt // lee seokmin

♥ fluffy and angst if you look at it under a microscope

♥ 1.5k words

the one word everyone associates with lee dokyeom: sunshine

this boy radiates like the actual fking sun and his smile oh gOd even the emos who wallow in the darkness cant surpress their happiness when they see him

he just has that amazing friendly aura that makes people's day happier

it's mainly because his family runs a high-tech farm where they cultivate fresh and high-quality produce

one of their important devices was a speaker

because hOo boi who knew strawberries liked to listen to Troublemaker iconic

and who ever visits their farm during a school trip or for picking fruits, may or may not have the chance to listen to the Prince sing to the blueberries

and its just the most wholesome sight ever

even though theres like weird equipment whirring and pumping in filtered water or something

you'll see this shining handsome boy, singing his favourite ballad while he checked on the equipment

and sometimes when it does a sudden weird noise, it shocks him so much that he does a typical slapstick comedy and slips onto his butt

but he brushes it off with a smile and little cute dance when he gets up

anD he is just. so. adorable

so everyone literally fawns over him everytime he passes by with that radiating smile

and the girls just swoon even more whil his hyungs want to make sure no o n e messes with him or they'll have to face them

since his family produces such top-notch quality fruits and vegetablez

they naturally get sponsored or help their fellow chefs and friends

and one of them is your father!!

your father runs this one michelin star restaurant by the sea and serves mostly seafood

but their dessert is as good as their secret special home-brewed eel soup i just made that up idk i want sushi

which your mother is in charge of!!

and their both friends of seokmin's parents so naturally, the both of you know each other

sometimes a little too much

"lee seokMIN stop telling the raspberries that i fell in front of the entire school or I'll tell them about how you fell into the toilet"

"thAT WAS ONE TIME"

yeah so the both of you are really close friends but its not surprising since seokmin is like a friend to everyone

and everyone knows that you're a part of seokmin's protection squad which jeonghan leads

"make sure everyone claps for him at the farm when he's done singing, got it?"

"aYe aYe cAptAin,"

so naturally you're always there for him

walking to class, walking back home together and eating lunch with him and your mutual friends

its not only because you're there to protect him but he's just such an amazing and nice guy to have around and his voice is like warm milk on a sleepless night and also because he looks amazing with that smile-

ok maybe you dont just see him as a friend,,, and probably mayhaps more

but who could blame you when an actual embodiment of rainbows and everything good in this world is your best friend

im very weak for this baby can you tell

everytime he saves your ass from embarrassing yourself bY embarrassing himself

or when he makes sure you've eaten all your three meals everyday and stays hydrated

yea he's a bit of a nagging mother but you reciprocate the care in return by ensuring that he's doing so well in choir and that everyone loves him for trying his very best in the extra curricular

like you even have to force him to spill your feelings towards you

because you KNOW this guy tenfs to surpress and bottle up his feelings and that is not healthy at all

talk to your friend/family if you're bottling it up too ❤

and seokmin makes sure he treats you with fresh berries from his garden whenever you come over

and you guys sometimes talk about everything and anything under the stars while snacking on those fruits and snacks your parents prepared for you and him when you drop by

and its all so pure and warm and being next to seokmin always has this welcoming aura that you never really sense with anyone else

not even when you have those crushes in your first few years of high school

and that was when you realize that you saw him more than just a best friend

on the other hand, seokmin has always admired you for your personality and how you're so caring to nearly everyone and especially him

oh my how his heart races whenever you look at him with those worried look in your eyes

or the way your voice turns so soft and calming to his ears when he's feeling down

wow look at this its the pining pals sorry for ending soft hours it will come back shortly

the both of you were walking to school, the usual routine:

you guys are sipping on your favourite drink, talking about the recent school rumors

and everything's normal,,, like nothing has changed

but it feels different some how

did your feelings for him grow too much?? did you no longer see him as your best friend?? or did you want to be more than just friends?

and you notice that seokmin doesnt have his arm around you like always

his absence of not clinging around you in the autumn breeze made it more chilling

and,, you just want him to hug you, even if it was a half-hearted side hug

but did your feelings get the best of you? does he know that you have feelings for him and is that one of the reasons for him being distant??

you werent ultimately sure but your last thought keeps lingering in your mind, taking attention away from the fact that you and seokmin had reached your class

"i guess we'll see each other at lunch! take care and focus in class alright?" he chuckled, ruffling your hair a little before jogging through the halls

what made his heart race wasnt his quick steps but the way you had looked towards him so innocently, that adorable look on your face being hard to wipe away from his mind

he had tried his best to keep a space between you, hoping that maybe the space would give him some time to think

but it was no use, his crush on you only grew

and he only thought about you for the rest of his classes

"yn, seokmin needed to clarify some things with his teacher so he'll be a little late to lunch. he asked me to forward the message, take care alright?" jeonghan smiles sweetly before he waves you goodbye to sit with joshua and seongcheol

was this another way for him to get rid of you in some way? no you shouldnt get ahead of yourself,, he's only being a hardworking student,, right?

ten minutes pass and seokmin rushes to your table with an apologetic look

"im so sorry yn, i wont be able to stay for lunch because i need to help some of the juniors from choir to find their costumes. but i brought some of the fruits from the farm for you to enjoy!! eat up okay? see you after school!"

and thats all you heard from him for the rest of the day

and once school had ended, he had given another hurried excuse that he had to attend a group project meeting and asked you to meet him at his farm instead

the both of you did hang our there quite often, but you werent sure if seokmin would even show up at this rate

but the little pinch of hope you had left made you walk straight to his farm

maybe,,, just maybe,, you were just overreacting

you sat by the bench outside the strawberry tent, nibbling on a bowl of berries his mother had given you for snacks

a few minutes pass and a figure comes running towards you

disheveled in his school uniform and,,, a bouquet?? in his hands??

seokmin huffs, stopping right in front of you while he clutched the bouquet to his chest gently

"i needed to stop by your parent's restaurant for a while,,, for this,"

and he shows you a bouquet of a variety of fruits, cut and scalped into flowers like an actual bouquet

and when your eyes trail back to his, and despite the panting and running he had done the second before,

he looked far more radiating than before

his eyes sparkled and his lips wouldnt budge from the wide grin it had plastered on his face

and it was all because he was looking at you

"i needed to make sure that your dad didn't mind me dating his child," he chuckled, taking your hand in his with so much care that it made you seem fragile

"so will you go out with me yn? your dad says its a-okay and that-"

you cut him off with a peck on his lips, eliciting unstoppable giggles from your lips as you hugged him tight

"you should have just given me the fruits as it is but you just had to go the extra mile,"

"anything for you, yn,"

a/n: i dont know why this took me so long to finish like i waited a whole week just to finish the ending in 10 minutes :| im an idiot but i hope you guys have a nice day/night ♥

[ourpathswillcrossagain]

I’ve spent the last almost year trying to do things the way I should have been doing them all along. I did it in the hope that he’d notice and realize that if he just tried a little, we could work this out. It’s not that he hasn’t noticed, I think he has. But he doesn’t actively acknowledge it, and even downplays it if I mention it.

I’ve been everything from hopeful - because I can usually see that I do think he still loves me - to suicidal - at times like Christmas, when I just didn’t see him at all. And then he tells me “what happened” and I don’t know that it really is what happened, but it seems reasonable enough that the family plans just changed and that he really did intend to come over in the evening, and I remind myself that one of the things I should not have been doing all this time was not trusting, and overreacting, and so I forgive and I see hope again. Mostly, I’ve thought that eventually, he’ll realize that whatever he’s doing now isn’t so great. Mostly, I’ve thought that he’d miss me and want to come home. And I think he does, at least sometimes, but I also think maybe he’s too stubborn.

He told me once that he had done things in our marriage to get a reaction out of me. When I asked him about it, asked him what, he cited the times that he’d stayed out late, and said he’d done it just to prove a point. So now I often wonder if he’s doing this just to prove a point. I often wonder if I’m being punished. Early on - and in the past as well - I’ve read so many things (and still do often, although I avoid this kind of shit) that said that in order to get someone back, get their attention, you have to ignore them, do your own thing, show them how fine you are your own, even if you are not. I personally feel as if that is a bunch of manipulative bullshit and it also feels like something that could backfire terribly.

In fact, there was one time when I’d told him I didn’t think I could talk to him for a while. I was upset and somehow had the presence of mind to realize that I was rife to say the wrong thing. I knew if I did not actually tell him that I couldn’t talk to him for a while, I would anyway, and I’d say ... something regrettable.

Later - a while later, maybe a few months later - he brought that up. As if it were hurtful. And I knew in that moment that any sort of very intentional “ghosting” would have been a sign of disloyalty to him. So I’ve spent this time trying to rebuild his image of me. He’s said that, for him, the bad outweighed the good, or overshadowed it. His memory is not great, and rather short, so it’s been my hope that eventually, he’d have such a hard time remembering the bad (and already he is unable to cite any specifics) and as he looked back, would only think of the nice things I’d said and done.

I don’t intend to quit doing that, or go out of my way to not speak to him. But I do feel like maybe I’ve reached a cooling off period. It’s not that I can’t spend every weekend hoping that this will be the one in which he comes home, or waiting to see if he’ll agree to hang out with me for a few hours after not seeing each other for a few months. Those hopes are all that have kept me going. But... everytime I invite him and he puts me off, doesn’t have time, even though he has time for other people and things, even though I feel like he’s telling himself that he shouldn’t see me because he does still love me, and he doesn’t want me to “get my hopes up” ... it hurts. I’ll still invite, I suppose, but I won’t plan on him showing up only to have him not.

I guess at this point, I have told myself that I can’t really expect him to ever come back. Maybe he will, but more than likely, I’ll spend the rest of my life alone, without him.

And knowing that, I can’t spend much more time in stasis, waiting around. I need to get things done. I need to fix our house and ... I don’t know. Do something. A number of things have crossed my mind. Music, riding, I don’t know. A lot of it seems like a big commitment when I have work and I want to work on the house. But I do hope that after this great show of faith and trust and loyalty, that now is organically the right time to step back. I don’t know that he’ll notice or care.

I realized the other day though, that when I was younger and what I wanted and needed when I thought about my life wasn’t him - I didn’t even know him then (although to be fair I think I just assumed that there would be someone in my life and so this wasn’t something I’d have to “want” or “need”) - it was a house, a stable place to live, a home, and...as much as it feels much less like home without him, and as much as I understand how he feels about this house and the work that it needs, I have what I need. We own this house, I can’t imagine living anywhere else right now. And I have a car and enough money and so I guess I have to settle for that and figure it out.

What do they say? “ A girl can dream...”?  I can, but it seems pretty pointless now. 

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

right so im just really upset with myself right now. i had a mild covid scare, (i had a headache and couldnt tell if it was covid or just a normal headache) so i isolated myself from my family in my room. my mom came and asked if i needed anything, to which i said no. i couldnt even tell her myself that I was having that specific symptom. (which i was rightfully worried about, my dad’s been out and about, and went to a football game, so his exposure is high) i just feel really bad about making her worry. she’s already got enough to think about. i just feel like i just need to stop and just think for a second. if i did have covid, isolating was the right thing to do, but since i might not, i feel like i sent my entire family into an unnecessary panic. which i might not have even done. and my intrusive thoughts are a lot worse than usual. they’re hitting were my panic-attack inducing fears are, and i just hate it. sometimes i want to punch my head so i can just stop thinking about bad things happening all the time.

im completely sure that getting this upset over little stuff isnt normal. i could have some type of disorder, and i know my anxiety is bad, but i just feel like this shouldnt be a thing thats happening. i hate that i keep getting myself in these situations. why cant i be normal for once and not overreact over simply stuff? if takes one little thing to set me off and i hate that. i just want to feel things normally, and not just blow a fuse every time something mildly annoying happens. i hate myself.

i feel like she’s disappointed in me. that her child who clearly has a fucking problem just keeps getting herself into more and more bad situations. who cant even control their own panic responses. i feel like every time i might have a good day, i have to ruin it. nobody wants their child to be permanently messing everything up for themselves. i just feel like she shouldnt have to deal with me overreacting to everything. she may not even be upset with me, but i feel like she is. i dont want her to be upset with me because that horrifies me. she could give me the silent treatment, or just use small words to talk to me. then i’d feel like i deserve it. because i cant even think properly without flying off the handle. isnt that sad? i was fine until one bad thing happened and now i just hate everything about myself. 

i didnt even eat dinner because i was just in my room. i feel like i dont deserve to go and act like everything’s fine and eat like i normally would. that’s not fair to just act normal like that. i just hate feeling like this. i cant just calm down for one second. there’s got to be something wrong with me.

anyway um. i’ll probably be fine tomorrow so it’s best to pop in maybe then. idk. i just feel bad right now.