#all the shit they put me through. the emotional and physical punishments. the beatings borne from frustration

[robinsnest2111]

still feeling bad even after food and a couple hours of sleep. how mean

[morningstar-descended]

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Mammon was an accomplished soldier in the Celestial Realm

Belphie used to be a little Lucifer Mini-Me when he was a young Angel

Lucifer would sing his siblings to sleep, Before

He didn’t tell his brothers about Lilith because he didn’t want them to interfere with her new life. It was hard enough for him not to.

Diavolo’s older brother, Beleth, has a scar covering the left side of his face from where Dia ground him into the dirt to try and get him to yield.

Their formal fight for the crown lasted three days.

Diavolo’s younger brother, Amaymon, is Asmo’s sugar daddy.

Diavolo’s Mom is also still alive, she has her own estate in another part of the Devildom. She can suplex him.

Lucifer will absently neaten up his brother’s clothes for them while he’s lecturing them.

Lucifer has fed demons and unruly Witches to Cerberus before.

Mammon has never had a partner in any sense of the word.

Satan was ‘born’ as a baby.

Asmo used to dress Satan up in little outfits when he was small.

Satan can repeat almost everything he’s read verbatim.

Lucifer has to double check that he knows where all of his brothers are before he can rest at night, unless he passes out.

All the brothers wore their hair long as angels. Lucifer’s the only one who’s never grown it back out since their fall.

It took Lucifer around six hundred years to develop proper feelings for Diavolo.

Lucifer is deathly afraid of Diavolo’s father.

Barbatos is possibly--not counting Diavolo--Lucifer’s only friend.

The Sport Beel plays is a type of Wrestling mixed with MMA and Capture the Flag. It’s played topless.

Lucifer will occasionally ask Levi to explain the plot of an anime or game to him if he wants to zone out for a while. He’s listening, but because following what Levi is talking about takes a lot of concentration, it’s almost like meditating.

Lucifer’s hair got its white / gray streaks when they lost Lilith.

Lucifer actually does have some wrinkles, he just hides them most of the time.

No matter how hard he tries, Lucifer just can’t get good at video games.

Lucifer will write out bits of sheet music when he’s bored.

Lucifer has more demon markings on his body than just the diamond on his forehead.

Lucifer’s hands are very scarred, mostly from dealing with small child Satan.

Beel’s sport is unnamed because in Infernal, it literally just is called “The Sport” since there’s only one.

Almost all of the siblings have physically torn an opponent to shreds and or consumed them. Asmo and Mammon are notable exceptions.

Satan went through a phase where he spoke solely in riddles.

Levi was hardcore into theater before animation became more of a thing. he still has a lot of opinions about it.

Belphie spent most of their early fallen years either half asleep, or completely asleep.

Beel is incapable of chewing gum or sucking on a jaw breaker properly. He impulsively swallows whatever goes in his mouth.

Lucifer has been summoned to the human world successfully only twice in his existence. He killed both summoners for the audacity.

The entire garden around the house of lamentation was of Lucifer’s design.

Mammon has the best control over his shape-shifting--able to stay in a false form for longer, and able to retain his humanoid form despite high emotions.

The brothers are, quite literally, Devildom Celebrities.

Diavolo has never kept a pet before.

Lucifer is ambidextrous, but prefers his left hand.

Mammon is left handed.

Gluttony demons tithe to Lord Beelzebub on his birthday in the form of whatever food they fixate on.

The first angel Lucifer killed after his fall was one he didn’t actually recognize.

The first angel Mammon killed was one of his friends from the Celestial Guard.

Lucifer will never forgive the other Archangels for turning their back on him.

Lucifer has only ever had two partners in any sense of the term in his entire life.

Beel used to be the smallest, before he hit his growth spurt and overshot all of them.

Lucifer swears almost exclusively in celestial, when he’s pissed off enough to actually swear.

Satan doesn’t really have any of Lucifer’s memories, but he retained the emotions based around them. It’s confusing.

Lucifer can cook just fine, but he can’t bake to save his life.

The Longest Lucifer has stayed awake without any rest was about a month. It wasn’t pretty.

Half of the time Lucifer says something funny it’s unintentional.

Most of the Devildom’s current infrastructure was pioneered by Diavolo’s father.

King Diavolo’s real name is Ba’al.

Lucifer can play basically any instrument that’s been invented, apart from electronic only ones.

Levi’s skill in painting could put any of the great masters to shame.

Lucifer isn’t a fan of a poultry, ironically.

The fact that they can get Belphie to wear his complicated RAD uniform everyday while being the Cardinal Sin of Sloth is a point towards how well Belphie controls his sin.

Being a shutin used to be cool and mysterious-- Levi mourns that social shift often.

Lucifer considers Levi the easiest brother to handle because he doesn’t really leave his room.

Mammon, while definitely being guilty of lots of grifts and get rich quick schemes, actually has at least five jobs on top of his stipend for being a Sin.

Lucifer has been trying to figure out how to kill those three witches for causing him problems by proxy, but he hasn’t figured out a legal way to justify it yet.

Amaymon is Diavolo’s youngest sibling. Lucifer can’t stand him.

Flower arranging is one of Asmo’s hobbies.

Asmo also has the best eye for interior design aesthetics, even if he uses them to make a room look... Like That.

For Centuries Lucifer couldn’t even begin to talk about his interests without Diavolo flooding him with related gifts. He’s gotten better about it since.

Lucifer and Diavolo’s relationship was purely physical at first.

Beel often uses the fact that his brothers think he’s stupid for his own gain. Most of the time it’s to get more food, but whatever works works.

Lucifer is completely fire proof now as a demon, inside and out.

He has nightmares of fire, though.

In one of the battles of the Celestial war, The Archangel Michael did his Signature “Step on Lucifer’s face/head trick” And Lucifer nearly took his leg off for it.

All demons can both purr and growl.

Lucifer’s back is heavily scarred from his fall and Satan’s creation both.

Mammon physically regenerates the fastest, and Belphie the slowest.

Levi, due to Envy’s ability to constantly and unintentionally buff the demons around him, is always helping his brothers in some small way whether he means to or not.

Beel still has specific nightmares of Lilith’s death, and will often crawl into Belphie’s bed to hold him after.

Satan never knew Lilith, but he’s emotionally attached to her because of the vague memories he inherited from Lucifer.

Asmo’s hair, if he grew it out, would be loosely curly.

All Lust type demons are Incubi / Succubi / Concubi.

Wrath type demons are the ones who cause classic hauntings.

All sleep paralysis demons are Sloth demons, though.

Pride type demons are the most prone to possessing humans in power, despite Lucifer having never possessed a human before.

Barbatos is actually a little bit older than Diavolo, but not by much.

Luke is basically Michael’s son.

Simeon is the younger brother of the Archangel Jophiel (the Angel of Beauty).

Asmo, if given the chance to defect back to the Celestial Realm, would seriously consider it.

Mammon acts like a fool, but isn’t one himself.

Belphie and Beel aren’t quite telepathic, but they always know where the other is, or if they’re in trouble.

The Cardinal sin of Wrath traditionally writes all of the punitive legislation in the devildom, so Satan is the one who writes out what crime gets what punishment.

The Devildom’s economy has never flourished so much before Mammon became the sin of Greed.

A good 60% of the work Lucifer does is paperwork that should actually be handled by one of his brothers.

Asmo’s painted his nails with his own venom before, and then used it to kill people who piss him off.

The only person Lucifer can accept losing to is Diavolo.

Lucifer isn’t a functional person until around 2 hours after he’s woken up. Luckily he tends to get up around 4:30a.m. / 5a.m. so when normal people have to interact with him, he’s mostly aware.

Mammon likes to over-saturate his foods with toppings and sauces, which is why Beel can’t stand his cooking.

Asmo likes the taste of straight vodka.

Lucifer once slapped another demon’s head clean off when they spoke back to him while he was addressing Diavolo’s court.

Lucifer and Diavolo’s first real “Date” was in the Royal Garden.

Any part of an Archdemon is worth a small fortune, as they’re rather potent spell ingredients.

If you talk shit about Mammon near a Greed type demon they WILL beat your ass.

Diavolo loved Lucifer on sight. Or, well, he loved the look of him.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Top 5 GOOD Things About Season Two

Oh, season two... how you hurt me so. 

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about this game-- S2 of TWDG is my least favorite of all five games. I could probably give you a top TEN things that I hate about season two, but... while I don’t love it, I do believe that there is good to be found in it. That’s what I want to discuss today. 

I did have some help brainstorming ideas for this list, so big thanks to @pi-creates, @kaylee-wolf, @taurusicorn2400, and @daisystarss for bouncing ideas around with me! :D

5. The Lee dream sequence.

This scene is super well done. The only reason that it’s so low on the list is because I tend to forget about it due to all the bullshit surrounding it. It usually isn’t until Arvo shoots Clementine that I remember Lee’s gonna show up and make me cry. Then he leaves all too quickly, and it’s back to the Kenny/Jane bullshit train. 

But pushing aside the shitshow, I love this scene. Of course, emotions are all over the place seeing Lee again given the state he was in at the end of s1. Plus there’s something about seeing baby Clementine again after being an older version of her that gets me. 

Their talk is interesting, too, calling back to your choices about Lilly and Carley/Doug, plus discussing Duck being bit. The part that’s always stood out to me, and I’m sure everyone else, is when Clementine asks Lee why people do the things they do.

And Lee’s response is one that doesn’t just apply to s2, it applies to several characters over the course of the series: “Clem, people don't always make sense... 'Cause bad things happen to everyone. And it's hard to keep bein' yourself after they do.”

As the conversation goes on, he also says, “Well, it's not like math, Clem. Sometimes there just isn't a right answer... but part of growing up is doing what's best for the people you care about...even if sometimes...that means hurting someone else.”

“I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“...It’s not that easy.” 

Ugh, it’s so good. It ends with Lee asking what he can say to make Clementine feel better, and it really just hurts because y’know it’s not real, y’know that Clementine’s dreaming all of this and Lee’s going to go away.

Overall a powerful scene that gets me every time. 

4. Clementine walking through the snowstorm

Okay look.... I adore this scene. Everything about it. 

Like okay, we have the stupid bullshit that is Kenny and Jane being literal children in the truck, then we nearly crash. Kenny leaves to look for gas, Jane gets Clementine to drive which dumb idea Jane and she crashes. 

That part sucks, but then the actual greatness begins. Jane runs off with AJ, and Clementine’s left alone with nothing but her gun as she begins her walk through the terrible blizzard. 

It has such a sense of loneliness to it-- hearing Clementine shiver and walk around calling out for help before going silent, the song ‘It’s Out There’ that plays while the wind whips and whistles, and then seeing all the frozen walkers standing around like statues really gives you a sense that something terrible is going to happen. It’s this weird calm before the storm kind of thing that also happens to take place during a harsh snow fall? if that makes sense? 

It’s a beautiful scene but it’s also sad, y’know? Sad because once again, Clementine is all alone. She’s been through so much bullshit, and this bullshit train isn’t even at it’s final stop. She’s alone, she’s still injured from when Arvo shot her, she’s gonna freeze to death if she doesn’t keep moving, she has no idea where the fuck Kenny, Jane, and AJ are, and just... it’s a lot. 

But damn it, it’s so good. 

3. AJ is born

AJ being born is one of the best things to happen in S2, and not just because AJ is a super interesting character himself in S2 or even what his being born does for the story. 

If AJ wasn’t born here, then we wouldn’t have had him in TFS where he finally got to become this compelling character and player in the overall story. Don’t get me wrong, his birth does bring an cool aspect to S2 when you willfully ignore how the hell he’s managed to stay alive and healthy the entire time.

Not only that, but we get to see the start of Clementine’s relationship with him. It doesn’t matter what choices you pick, Clementine shows time and time again that she cares about AJ. She nearly breaks down when she believes he died in the snow before the Kenny and Jane fight, then cries again when she discovers he’s alive. 

I enjoy the big sister aspect they went with for Clementine [it definitely beats ANF’s mom nonsense] and I like the growth it shows with her relationship to Rebecca as well... even though that could’ve been written a lot smoother. Rebecca just kind of does a 180 and they blame it on pregnant hormones which.... eh, okay sure. 

For all it’s flaws, this season gave us the start of AJ and I can’t hate it for that, y’know? 

2. Carver is a pretty great antagonist

I like Carver. I think he’s a great antagonist and I really wish they hadn’t killed him off as early as they did.

I find him to be a fascinating character study, y’know? 

From the very beginning, even before we get to physically meet him, we’re told that Carver is a threat. The cabin group are running from someone, and we can easily put the pieces together that Rebecca might be pregnant with his baby rather than Alvin’s.

Then we actually get to meet him when he comes to the cabin and it’s well executed. From Sarah having a panic attack at seeing a glimpse of him through the window, to his friendly and charismatic nature, to the way he talks to Clementine and just... it’s unsettling.

He’s clever, and he knows that Clementine’s covering for the cabin group, but he’s trying to trick her into giving him info. I also hate how smug he gets when he finds the photo of Sarah, but then he just looks at her, and asks, “You have no idea who these people are, do you?” or whatever and just... something about that, y’know? 

Then his “You have a nice day,” as he leaves and you know he’s coming right back with more people, so the group has gotta go. 

Then of course comes his later scenes where he shows up with his people to the lodge, murders Walter while saying he didn’t want to do it but Kenny left him no choice, and he can possibly murder Alvin if Kenny keeps shooting which is a huge holy shit moment because of how Rebecca reacts. 

Ugh, y’know just the way Carver talks to Rebecca and is so matter-of-fact about the baby being his and how he justifies his actions. Like, we can’t forget Reggie and how Carver threw him off the roof only to turn around like “I liked Reggie, he was chill, but he was weak.”

I dunno man, it’s super well done!

I truly believe Carver could’ve gone down as the best antagonist in the series if the writers hadn’t killed him off so damn early to make more room for Kenny to become the new antagonist of the season. Ugh.

I don’t even have an issue with how he died, either. Having Kenny kill him the way he did makes sense and it’s brutal, it was just premature.

Anyway, Carver’s pretty great. One of the best parts of S2. 

1. Clementine 

I mean, are we really surprised? Clementine is what makes this game playable. She’s the best written, most consistent character [which I know is a bit iffy because we do make choices for her but ya get me] and her growth over the season is the most compelling compared to the other characters. 

Hell, of the four Clementine’s we get across the series, this Clementine is my second favorite! She’s fantastic! 

I also love how self-aware she is that her group is just a bunch of morons and she’s gotta do everything around here, but then the same group underestimates her time and time again even though she’s proven herself to be the most competent. 

And on top of that, she goes through so much bullshit. Right from the start, Christa’s still cold to her after what happened to Omid and the baby, then she gets separated from Christa and nearly drowns in a river, then she comes across a dog that attacks and nearly killing her, forcing her to fight back which kills the dog, and then when she finds some decent people, she passes out and this group thinks it’s a walker bite because their “doctor” is incompetent. They lock her up in a shed because ??? so she has to break in and steal supplies to sew up her own arm, which she does and you feel the pain of it the whole way through, BUT THEN she gets attacked by a walker and has to fight it off before the dumb dumb crew come in to help her. 

And that’s just the first part of episode one. 

It’s like the writers were like “Hey, let’s torture Clem so that we can get easy sympathy points from the audience” and then dialed it back a bit because if you look at some of the initial concepts for this season... oof.

But really, S2 in a nutshell is basically “Clementine does anything and gets punished for it.” 

However, it’s not all bad and a lot of it does make her story all the more interesting as it progresses. She goes from a young girl who needs a group to survive, to a survivor herself who is capable of taking care of herself and those she loves. 

This part pertains to my personal ending for this game-- So, by the time we reach the shit show that is the Kenny and Jane fight, I want Clementine to get as far away from both of them as fucking possible. For me, the best endings Clementine can have is to either go alone, or to go to Wellington. 

Wellington’s my personal favorite because I like the idea of Clementine being in a community with strong walls and people to help with AJ. I mean, we gotta throw out the logic when it comes to AJ surviving because in every single endings, he should be dead. 

Honestly, that’s the only thing that keeps me from shooting Kenny. Hell, in my opinion, walking off into the woods with him instead of staying at Wellington is the worst ending in the entire game-- I’d rather go with ding dong dingus Jane than stick around with Kenny, but for me, neither of those are a good conclusion to Clementine’s story and character in S2

Anyway, endings aside, Clementine is the only part of the story that doesn’t make me side eye the writers the way I do for everything else... well, I side eye them sometimes but S2 as a whole is such a mess that it takes a lot to not straight up glare at them and the amount of fuck ups they had here. 

Clementine is hands down the best part of S2.

--- Honorable Mentions

-Big brother Luke in the first couple episodes -This game does have a bunch of different endings that you can get, which is pretty neat until you realize that they mean practically nothing come ANF and they’re totally unbalanced sooo... nice try? -Uncle Pete is pretty cool -The setting of the ski resort is super nice and cozy until murder happens. -In fact, the snowy nature is visually pretty and the skyboxes are some of the best in the series. 

---

So what do you think? Do you agree with this list? What are some of your favorite parts of Season 2? Are you looking at this and asking where the Kenny entry is? Well, I’m sure if you scroll up just a wee bit, you’ll find your answer. 

Have any suggestions for future T5F’s? Feel free to send ‘em in! :D

Next week’s T5F Top 5 Character Deaths That Made Me Side-Eye the Writers 

[botwstoriesandsuch]

P-please talk about your Rito OC, please... ramble without any context, please... I have one too... please make me feel less alone...

Ok ok let me just *unloads all of Illeka’s super angsty self-indulgent backstory*

I technically have two backstories, one for botw that I’m gonna use for my fic Where Time Takes Us, and another I use for my dnd campaign. My dnd one is more fleshed out (thanks to my amazing GM) so I’ll probably just share that one. 

Warning for super duper long post that is barely coherent and I haven’t checked for typos and also rip to ADHD folks because I have no pictures to ease your brain with. Anyhow prepare for like thousands of words worth of rambles this is not edited at all

This is just a copy paste of the random incoherent shit I sent to my poor DM. Anyhow, I technically have 3 ocs here, but Illeka is the one I play

A weird Rito, that one is. I hear they’ve only cried at birth...

- Illeka was born on the Day of Living Fire, its a celebration of the dead essentially, where you mourn and remember your loved ones and ancestors and all that. It’s superstition to be *born* on this day, because your life/creation takes away from the day that’s supposed to honor the dead, and some people on birb island believe these things, that if you let the kid live it’s a curse. But most people are like no wtf you boomers it’s fine there’s no such thing you crazy old people are weird, which to be fair is kinda true.

- When Talako is around 6, his single mom dies. He’s adopted by a new family, Kala (also around 6 years old) and her parents.

- Illeka meets Talako after he kinda follows her around, because he’s an innocent cinnamon bun that admires Illeka’s calm and stoic demeanor after they help him with some bullies. Through this, Talako, Illeka, and Kala all become best friends.

- The events in Illeka’s life aren’t really helping their whole curse case. Every bad event, from their dad getting injured and having the slightest limp, to their brother, Zekk nearly setting himself on fire— it’s all a supposed punishment for not killing them when they were bored. But at this point most people brush it off as coincidence, besides, nothing THAT bad has happened yet.

- the trio of friends grow strong, becoming some of the best in their arts on the island. And their relationship is seemingly adorable. The serious ~~cursed~~ one, the optimistic sunshine one, and the sarcastic firey one. Prides of their village, set to protect their people from harm.

- Illeka is the best in the village when it comes to physical fights. Trusty halberd, and a keen shot with a bow, they’ve never lost a sparring match on that front. Their personality is offputting to some, there’s a rumour that they’ve never cried. The easiest of jokes, and the vilest of insults don’t spark much reaction from them— except in the presence and topic of their family, Kala, and Talako. But otherwise, the story goes that the cursed kid doesn’t have a soul, and hence, no morality or emotions.

- When they train with Talako and Kala, they never back down, if only out of respect, Illeka wouldn’t want to embarrass them with pity. Talako always laughs at his inevitable defeat, though he tries nonetheless. He promises that one day he’ll be strong enough to beat them.

- Talako is a pleasant soul, but has an nack for adventure and a hint of chaos. He prefers to dual wield daggers, and on occasion a short sword or two. He’s great with the blade, loves the thrill of the fight, but is more skilled with cooking and physical healing and remedies. He’s always the one encouraging fun celebratory hang outs at the tavern, with his two closest friends after a day of guarding the village. Kala always sides with him, and Illeka typical gives in after at least putting on a show of reluctance. He humble and happy and loved by most of the village, if only things would last

- Kala is of wit and cunning, she’s typically the first to speak. She’s headstrong and not afraid to insult whoever she displeases, and a bit too arrogant in her abilities. She laughs at all of Talako’s jokes, if perhaps only to spite Illeka’s groans. She’s also the most strategic of her friends, being the “one with a plan” in battle. While she’s a decent wield of two khopesh, Kala’s mostly gifted with magic. She’s got a knack for conjuring, though is well researched in other types as well. Illeka and her are an even match, with decent win ratios on either end. Illeka doesn’t take it that personally, they suck/hate magic after all. Kala’s a bit more competitive tho.. While her power in magic is certainly the best on all of the island, she can’t help but feel salty/jealous for always being overshadowed by Illeka’s feats, since the people prefer/understand the physical over the magic.

- Oh, and she was born on day after the Day of Living Fire, according to her parents. How lucky.

- In a sense, they’re all a bit of an outcast. Kala the fiery independent one, a bit sidecasted for prefering magic over steel. Talako the weird orphan, for being a chirpy, happy boi, which is a bit annoying for some. And Illeka…well lets just say their situation isn’t going to be improving

- One year, Illeka’s family is expecting more kids, twin sisters at that! It’s the most excited anyone’s ever seen Illeka, thought perhaps that’s not the right word… They’ve still got their usual demeanor, but they did spend nearly a week crocheting little baby hats and tunics and scarves. They threatened to kill their brother if they told anyone, although Zekk was allowed to let it slip to Tal and Kala

- [They are absurdly good at crochet btw. They never do it anymore to try and maintain their “reputation,” but their family will never forget the time they crafted matching blankets and hats to win a little competition in their home town.]

- Then the Day of Living Fire arrives for that year. Theres a little celebration for Illeka’s birthday, before moving on to other activities.

- The twins die that night.

- The village was in a bit of shock…and rumours grow considering the timing of it. The mysterious circumstance of it…well it does turn the heads of even some of the less-superstitious. The rumours, the death, the silent thought that perhaps that cursed bird caused some babies’ death, Illeka endured it.

- Years later would it get worse.

- Illeka is still publically respected at this point, weird rumours sure, but try telling that to the edge of her halberd. Their mother had made the twin’s shrine, but they say Illeka didn’t visit that often. Talako was always by their side, trying to help them, which was always appreciated, even when they tried to hide it.

- Kala was busy in the library these days.

- Zekk had started a family by now, a little baby birb named Mili hatched into the world.  Illeka would often steal her away for little cuddles when they (thought) no one was looking. Zekk would jest that they had to fight for the right to hold his own kid. Kala would also occasionally tease them about it, though Tal was mostly happy to see them in better spirits

- Then, another Day of Living Fire.

- Talako and Illeka were usually on guard duty together, the northern patrol by the village edge. But tal was still a bit worried about his friend’s state of mind, he’s not sure he’d even seen them mourn. He pushes for Illeka to take the day off, it’s technically their birthday after all, plus they can pay their respected at the shrines and attend the festivities and do the ceremonies and all that. Illeka denies it, brushing it off like they always do.

- Soon, their nightly patrol begins, and Illeka is about to set off to met up with Talako, but Kala intercepts. She has a talk with them, similar to that of Talako’s, but with…more well crafted and laced words. It’s nearly the same message that Talako tried to tell them, “It’ll be healthy for you, visit the shrines, be with your family, maybe brush off some rumours in the process.” Illeka nearly denies again, joking that Talako would get afraid of the dark if they didn’t show up. But Kala interjects, stating that she’s already made plans to take the patrol that nigth with Tal. Trusting their friends to be safe in each others care, Illeka relents and takes the day off.

- …yeah. so

- perhaps you can see where this is going.

- Kala’s jealousy had been growing over the years. Not only was she being shadowed by Illeka and their non magic ways, but it was irritating even more that all the talk about magic in the town was not of her exceptional abilties, but of stupid rumours and non-existent evil curses. If the people wanted show, she’d give them a show

- This mindset made her spars with Illeka a bit more personal as of late, getting it in her head that she needed to get stronger, strong enough to best Illeka with ease. Strong enough so that there would be no question who was the best warrior on the island, magic, bows, halberds, or no.

- The library had many forgotten books that she had been studying. Conjuring, rituals, illusions, necromancy. It was all…beautiful. Kala soaked in every word, sometimes berating the bookkeeper offhandedly for not keeping them in the best condition

- In her research she eventually found a beast. A..thing, a demon? A monster, the specifics weren’t there, but the gist of it was, if you had the courage to summon it, it would grant you the knowledge for attaining anything you desired. All it asked in return was…to eat some people.

- But not just any people mind you! Supposedly the ritual only worked for the people with the greatest of ambitions, willing to sacrifice the lives of people they might care about. The sacrifices had to be of someone with great trust and bond with the person.

- Kala’s parents disappeared that day, a few feathers laid about, but there was no blood.

- Near the northern border, by a open field, a weird circle dripped the grass red

- Talako waited by the village edge, ready to fly off with their patrol partner when they arrived. When Kala greeted him, he was a bit surprised, but happy when she explained that Illeka had gone off back to town.

- Indeed Illeka was with their family now, as the sun started to set. Occasionally, a passerby would give them a weird glance before walking swiftly away.

- Somewhere in the northern border, a warrior is knocked unconcious, and dragged upon a blood red pattern

- Illeka is by her sisters’ shrine. For the sliver of a moment, they contemplate crying.

- Then an explosion is heard off in the distance

- Talako was wide awake at this point, although his wings being pinned to his sides wasn’t that helpful considering there was a giant, *giant* dark monster in front of him.

- Kala lets off a final remark, saying it was for his own good. The death would be swifter if he didn’t squirm.

- He whipped back at her, glaring with a fire she hasn’t seen before. He calls her a coward for tricking Illeka, a coward for kill their parents, a coward for not even giving him the decency to fight for his life.

- She nearly smiles at the last remark. “Fine.” She tosses him his blades. “You were never much of a warrior anyway.”

- Illeka was flying towards the booming sound at full speed, nearly knocking over their family and other mourning, people in the process. A few others had tried to slow them down, claiming they should suit of better first, before confronting whatever had been the source of the explosion. Illeka didn’t listen.

- They barely had time to grab a weapon, before approaching the northern border. After gracing the crests of the hill tops, they finally saw it. A giant demonic beast, snapping it’s jaws against a flying dash of black feathers, Talako.

- Illeka called out to him, nearly dashing off into the air again, but they stopped when they spotted Kala, standing idlely by next to her.

- Before they could even speak, before they could even question why she was acting so nonchalantly while their best friend was fighting for their life against an evil monstrosity, Kala shook her head and spoke. “You always have to ruin my fun, don’t you?” She struck a magic blow and Illeka, square in the chest.

- It knocked them to the ground, but they got up, setting their halberd and pointing it at them.

- Then insert some dramatic scene where Kala is like “you’re so selfish, hogging all the attention, thinking you’re better than me, but today I’m gonna finally best you mwahaha” and Illeka is like “wtf why did you do this? I thought we were friends? I trusted you?? the fuck? also talako is our friend!!?” and then its “yeah thats right I manipulated your stupid feelings to gain the upperhand. you’re super pathetic honestly for falling for it. anyhow yeah talako will probably die, i tried to give him the luxary of a swift death but he wouldn’t listen, so now he’s probably gonna get brutally slayed lol” and illeka is all “I’ll kill you” and kala is “no u. This whole thing is gonna give me so much power no ones gonna question me again” and then they fight each other

- The duel is nearly a draw, Kala’s magical ability is certainly is certainly stronger, but she’s not as all powerful without that knowledge from the demon monster guy that needs to eat his meal. Illeka is fighting with all theyve got, but all they brought was a halberd, but they are very fueled by rage and spite so it’s still an even match. Illeka eventually lands a blow that’s got Kala bleeding severely, but Kala pretty much almost kills them with a direct attack. Kala’s too weak to finish the job, plus those other guards have finally started to fly and approach in the distance, so she flys off. Illeka finally slips into unconsciousness.

- When they wake up, it’s almost sunrise. Their mom is shaking them awake, part of the party that was investigating the explosion that summoned the beast. Illeka bolts up, they’re still in the field were they had fought Kala, but she and the beast are no where to be seen.

- They run off, trying to find Talako, and ho boy do they find him alright. His body is crumpled by some rocks, his wing nearly ripped clean off, theres so much blood, even a warrior like Illeka can hardly bare it. Some small bit of hope in their head thinks that he might still be alive, and they listen to his chest to see if he’s still breathing.

- His eyes flicker once at Illeka, his chest rises, then falls for the last time.

- Illeka cries.

- Then, still pretty wounded and tired, they collapse again

- The days following are living hell. Kala hasn’t been found, and their her parent’s [bodies]. The rumours are creeping as ever, at the coincidence of Illeka and this disaster. They spend nearly a weak in bed at home, recovering physically, thought probably not mentally.

- As soon as they’ve fully recovered, Illeka’s mind is set. They are going to leave, no more warrior/village protection for them. They’re going to travel far off, train and hone their skills in combat, and find and kill Kala.

- Their family is opposed to this at first, but in the end nothing they say changes Illeka’s mind.

- In a sense, there was another, unspoken reason Illeka was leaving the islands. They didn’t want to hurt anyone else.

- Hell, the rhetoric is even stronger down the line, concerning the fate of poor Mili. Illeka has given in and accepted it, they are cursed to cause pain to the people they care about. [It’s basically that trope of the character isn’t actually cursed but they believe they’re cursed] Illeka will stay away, and go it alone for as long as they can. Then once the deed is done, once they draw Kala’s corpse across the mud, they’ll probably fly off somewhere far to die, before anyone else gets hurt. It’s probably best for their family never to see them again.

- - - - - - 

Wow you did it, you made it through the super angsty self-indulgent backstory congrats. Illeka is my lil baby and I love them and I’ve gonna send them on a revenge quest and then they were gonna have a cool character arc probably about learning to grieve and have self worth and all that and to actually allow themselves to show emotions for once in their lives. That’s the general plan I had in my head anyhow

But you know what my dm thought?

They were like how about mORE ANGSt

Fucking shit you not, session three of the campaign, I’m heading back to birb island because of circumstances, and I’m getting supplies from my blacksmith dad and showing off this sword that says “fuck” a lot that I got from a dungeon that took a selkie’s soul which they gave up willingly in exchange for fire hair...long story

but THEN I meet up with my bro Zekk and it’s like “wassup bro just passing through” but then I find out that Talako’s shrine thing was DESTORYED by some unknown entity and that’s very not good because spirituality and all that

and also I find Mili and they’re a cute lil toddler birb now aww it’s so great hope nothing happens to them because I sure do have enough emotional traume to burden right now. anyhow due to CIRCUMSTANCES our only lead to the thing that destroyed Talako’s shrine is 1) a delinquent named Chesio [that our party nicknamed cherrio because the GM misspelled it the first time i think] who apparently was Talako’s shitty cousin and his only living relative who could build his shrine and 2) the destruction of the shrine lines up with a period of time where Mili went missing but its ok she came back so her parents were like “chill we gucci”

Our party decides we should go down the Mili lead [because I accidentally knocked Cherrio i mean Chesio to near death with a crit roll with my halberd so they’re in the infirmary now but it’s really not my fault that they triggered my emotional trauma by mentioning how I keep running away from grief and never staying around to confront it it’s fiiiiiiiiiiiiine] so we stop by Zekk’s house and we’re like “hey so remember when you disappeared for like a week where did you go, and then mili was like “oh it’s in this cavern that no one knows about and I can’t really give you the directions but I can lead you there if you take me with you” in which I then glare at the GM for this obvious attempt to force us to take Mili with us to put her in danger and apparently I was the ONLY one who cared about this because everyone else in the party was ready to adopt this birb child, and Zekk was like “sure take the kiddy harness” so here I am, watching my niece run around in a kiddy harness that’s also attached to me, while my Chaotic neutral party someone gets grilled cheese sandwiches in the background

Badabing, badaboom, we come to some crystal caverns. while I, being one of the only members of the party with morals other than one chaotic good dragonborn, am watching the selkie, halfoot, and elf girl steal a bunch of crystals, Mili fucking DISAPPEARS the fucking KIDDY HARNESS fucking NOT GOOD she FCUKING SLIPPED OUT AND SHES GONE AND IM FREAKING OUT 

after about an hour or two of searching through the deeper parts of the cavern and tunnel and also fighting a minotaur and discovering an abandoned arena and a cleric, long story. We find Mili fucking laying on A NECROMANCER’S RITUAL CIRCLE WHAT THE FU- 

I pull a “I don’t hesitate bitch” on the hooded dude that’s hovering and chanting shit. He’s dead, it’s all swell. Saved the day, the evil’s dead. Mili’s fine she can go back to being a cute lil baby who loves shiny rocks and-

oh wAIT actually Mili is still transformed into a demonic monster and the necromancer dude was actually in the middle of completing a ritual to bring her back to life after he killed her a few times

So turns out, necromancer dead dude was hired by a mysterious someone, to steal something from Talako’s shrine, and to destroy any evidence. Turns out, his methodology for doing so was to kidnap some birb kid who had the misfortune of wander too close, killing them, turning them into some demonic monster that does their bidding, using that monster to steal and ruin some shit, and then when the day’s done he turns them back like nothing happened. Sure do wish he was alive to redo that last part

I’m freaking out, the party’s freaking out, that sword from earlier is cursing to high heaven for no apparent reason. Cleric unhelpfully remarks how it was a bad idea that we impulsively killed the evil dude bro, yes wow thank you for the help

Eventually everything’s fine. After a few round of shouting “NO ONE TOUCH MY FUCKING NIECE OR YOU DIE” after said demonic niece is kinda mindlessly attacking everyone, we eventually do some good ol blunt force trauma and a bit of magic and BOOM. Mili’s back. Although they do have permanent black ritual markings on them but its fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinee (its not)

We find a note on necromancer dude bro that his employer was from another island, so that’s a lead yay Find Out Next SessionTM but at this point I really don’t care as I’ve already started tying Mili to my chest and walking back to the village

I go back to Zekk’s house, hand off Mili, explain everything that happened, give a super heart feel apology about how I pretty much killed Mili (even though I really didn’t but also as we all know Illeka is an angsty birb who’s steadfast in the idea that their existence hurts everyone they love so yay <3) and then I leave as fast as I can before anyone can protest sure was nice visiting my family after i’ve been away for a few months sure am glad that my inner thoughts about staying away weren’t justified whatsoever hmmmmmm

A session or two passes. We try to assassinate and elf’s evil parents and fail, we get into a Fake Dating Being Someone’s Children Au with a dragon. The selkie keeps trying to date everyone, even thought they’re already married to a necromancer princess and a boat (long story) and inbetween we head to that island that note i got was talking about and turns out it was to a place where all your inner demons and anxieties manifest into reality and taunt you, until youre slowly broken down to the point where the evil dictator on the island can “magic” away your problems with puppet strings. fun for the whole family!

Anyways, after our party fights out evil neon-blue clones, I get a lead from dictator dude that the employer I’m looking for is a Rito that’s good with magic, and was last seen headed east, in the same direction we just came from. fun.a

So I’m kinda low on leads, other than the fact that theres a magic school in the east, but in between we have to deal with the fact that husboat (again, the boat that is married to the selkie who is also our entire party’s form of transportation across the ocean. wait a sec did I mention that we weren’t in Hyrule? We’re not in Hyrule, this is a flooded land with a bunch of islands. Think wind waker) was being chased by pirates. also these pirates were the ones that raised the selkie, and also they kinda also slaughtered an entire island of halffoots in their time with the pirates, and also that island was the one that the halffoot in our party grew up in. So basically that’s some cool tension and drama. Anyhow, back to moi

One talk about how “no we cannot kidnap aNOTHER priest” to the selkie and elf later... magic school! Magic school is pretentious and I hate it. Everythings glowy, they don’t allow you to fly over the gates. There’s puffy noble middle aged men and children in bedazzled cloaks. There’s magic in the air and I swear I would choke and die on the glitter and rainbows of it all. 

Half the party is off getting into cloak fashion, I head off with my dragonborn friend Ness because highfive! We’re the only one’s with morals in this party! Morality pals! (This is saying something considering I am true neutral and she’s chaotic good but we might as well be clerics in this party...)

My morality pal and I and hanging around, then we catch word that there’s this transfer student that no one has seen in a while and “oh I wonder where she could be” and all that jazz from other students. Mortality pals are like “ok let’s go look for her” so we drag the rest of the party off of their larceny spree and look around.

Eventually, after I spot a tattered cloak roaming the halls that matches the description of the gossip, we find the transfer student.

TURNS OUT (unsurprisingly honestly given the way the dm framed stuff) this transfer student is someone I know. She’s standing there, in the middle of the room, preparing to do some ritual or something. She’s standing there, my life purpose, my one and only goal, literally the only reason I’m still going in life, my arch nemesis, my target, my mortal fucking enemy. It’s Kala.

Ness sees a demon dog in the background and says hi, ruining our element of surprise, but to be fair, she doesn’t know it’s Kala. 

Kala whips around from her table thing. We make eye contact. Her face suddenly shift from confusion to surprise to bewilderment to shock to happiness. 

Happiness.

“Illeka I thought you were dead!” Kala runs towards me, but I’m too shocked to move.

She’s smiling. It’s not sadistic, it’s not...harmful, it’s just genuine joy. For a moment I thought I saw a tear in her eye. 

Kala hugs me for a long moment, before letting go. “So how did you survive?”

...

In my head I’m thinking, “oh you fuck face”

THE. AUDACITY. OF. THIS. BITCH. 

“HOWD I SURVIVE” UH NO THANKS TO YOU FOR ALMOST KILLING ME FOR YOUR STUPID RITUAL WHATEVER THAT KILLED TALAKO WTFFF

ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO PULL THE SAME TRICK AGAIN??? GONNA PRETEND TO BE ALL SENTIMENTAL AND NICE JUST TO TRY AND KILL ME LATER ON? HA OK OK

how about instead, I do the one good thing, the one worthwhile thing I can do in my entire life...just one simple course of action that might hope to make up for the mountain of regret that is my entire existence. 

I am finally going to kill you.

Kala’s staring at me, eyes curious, head tilted as if all she ever did was ask what I had for brunch. 

I blink once, and my neutral expression, faintly coated with shock morphs into determination.

I roll for initiative. 

- - - - - - 

It’s 1am. 

So have a cliffhanger, kinda. 

If anyone bothers to read this far, congrats! Your reward is me being lazy. I’ll tell you what happened sometime tomorrow if anyone really wants to know :P Long story short, it doesn’t end how I, and therefore probably you, would except. 

[friendlylocalwhumper]

“You know that’s against the law,” The cop utters, clearly overjoyed to have caught a warlock. Maybe he hasn’t met his warlocks-detained-or-neutralized quota for the month. But he’s got Lux pinned to the wall by his shoulder, and there’s no getting out of this. “Of course you know. Warlocks-”

“Lux?”

The cop and warlock both turn their heads to see Laura coming over, concern instantly twisting into something darker. Anger. It’s just Lux’s anxiety that tells him it’s his fault, that makes his stomach twist.

“Do you know this warlock?” The cop asks, attention on her now. “Ma’am, I’m taking him in, you’re going to have to-”

“Yes I know this warlock,” She interrupts, scoffs. “This is my warlock son. Was he using magic?” She’s telling the truth, but her tone is sharp with disgust, and it makes Lux panic. Is, is she angry with him? Did he do something so terrible that she ran out of patience with him? Is this what makes her turn on him after too many years spent waiting for him to grow up and get over himself?

“He might’ve been. I had two witnesses chase me down to come handle the situation, said they saw an unnatural light coming from his hands.”

As he explains the situation, Laura glowers at her son. Lux is mortified. “Well,” She says, face flushed with emotion. And she grabs Lux’s wrist, yanks him out from between the cop and the wall, and he can only let it happen as she forces him to face her fully. The cop looks like he wants to argue, but she’s too quick, too loud to speak over.

“You worthless sack of shit.” She squeezes his wrist so he doesn’t think of pulling away. He wouldn’t dare - forget the cop, he wouldn’t dare piss her off worse. It’s his dad, his dad in her words, her hatred. God, he feels small, and he deserves to, he’s, he’s… “How many times do I have to say it, for you to get it through your thick skull? You’re lucky your father and I kept you as long as we did. We were happy before you, you know that? Huh?” She slaps him, and the sting of it takes a few seconds to register. He can only shake his head; she raises her hand again, and he flinches. “Huh?!”

“N-nnh, n-, no I, I didn’t, I-”

He’s slapped again, and his voice cracks into silence.

“Thank you, officer,” She offers drily, hard eyes still trapping Lux where he stands with his shoulders hunched up. “I can handle it from here. My idiot son isn’t gonna be let out of the house until he learns to keep his disgusting magic crushed down, and-” She turns to the cop. “Did he run when you went after him?”

“No, Ma’am, he didn’t give me a hard time about it.”

“Hmph.” She tugs on Lux’s arm to lead him away, only easing up when she hears his whimper at the slight but painful strain it puts on his bad shoulder. “At least he learned something in twenty years.”

Laura marches him away. The cop doesn’t follow, and Lux doesn’t jerk his arm free of her hold, just stumbles along obediently. His legs are like jelly, heart fluttering - it feels just like when he was a kid and he knew he was about to catch a beating. It’s that same feeling of being corralled back home, out of sight where he can be punished and berated and know he’s alone, he’s got nowhere to hide. He’s disgusting, he’s weak, he’s hated.

They’ve made it half a block before it’s started up again, and it startles him again, because he’s not used to the beating starting before they get home. It’s been so long that he almost forgets how it all works. Maybe this is how it goes.

She uses her grip on his arm to fling him into the wall, and he cringes away, only for her to push against his shoulder to keep him in place just like the cop did.

He can see the cop. He’s watching, maybe, to make sure Lux doesn’t use his magic before they get home.

“Look at me,” His mom growls. But Lux can’t, he can’t, he’s trying right now and her eyes are boring through him, the furious glint in them is gonna break his heart. He squeezes his eyes shut.

That only angers her more. “Look at me!” She screeches, and sharp hot pain erupts in his cheek, what - his eyes fly open, a frightened sound escaping him as he sees her lower her clawed hand. She scratched him. He’s had worse, far worse pain, but having a physical reminder of her hatred of him is somehow the most painful thing he’s ever experienced. She takes deep, shaky breaths as if to keep herself from doing worse damage. “If you ever use your magic again…” The cop’s close enough to hear - will she threaten to have Lux arrested? “...I will tell your father.”

Oh, god. Oh, he’s stupid, he - why did he think Dad was dead? Why would he - who could kill him? As if it would be over that easily, as if Lux could be safe. Of course, of course that was some kind of, some kind of dream, or just something he wanted to believe. His mom’s gonna drag him home right now, and if he doesn’t shove his magic down, doesn’t obey, she’s gonna tell his dad what he did, and he’s gonna - Lux doesn’t even know what his dad will do. It’ll be loud and painful and scary. It’ll make him sorry he was ever born.

He wouldn’t dare talk back to her, not when she’s this angry. He whimpers at her threat and nods, silent and compliant. He won’t use his magic, he won’t say a word, he won’t embarrass her in front of the police officer.

“Good,” She mutters, hesitating, looking him over. Then they’re walking again. She’s let go of his wrist. The cop isn’t following anymore, Lux discovers by glancing back after a few minutes of walking, following behind her purposeful stride.

She might tell his dad anyway. She seems angry enough to. Lux will get hit for sure. He resigns himself to it, thoughts grim and helpless like they used to be. Punches, kicks, yelling, maybe even some, some of the belt - yes, he can imagine it. And if he can imagine it, he can prepare himself for it, and it won’t come as a surprise, and it might hurt a little less. Now he just has to, has to imagine his mom telling his dad what happened when they were out today - he has to prepare for that, hearing it, knowing his mom wants him to get hurt for it. It’s for his own good, it’s so he won’t do it again, it’s… every step is taking them closer, closer to him. Closer to the yelling and hitting.

After a few blocks of walking, his mom pulls him off the road, around the back of a building, and his mind is blank with terror. His chest hurts, his head is light, he’s - breathing fast, being annoying, she’s so mad he’s in trouble she’s gonna-

“Lux,” She says, soft and worried, and it makes no sense. He’s trying to follow along, to understand what she’s mad about now. “Lux. Baby, come on, sit down.”

His knees were buckling anyway. She guides him to sit on the ground; every point of contact with her feels like the touch of death itself. His chest burns worse with his hilarious failure at breathing right.

“That was - I was acting. Pretending. That cop, he was listening, I know, I know what cops do, I had to protect you - no matter what, I had to - Lux, breathe, baby.”

The warlock shakes his head once, then again after another quick, desperate wheeze. “Ca-, -an’t, hnn, s, sorry, don’, plea-, hnnn, don’ tell’im, ple-, he-, -ease…” The breaths are almost sobs now, odd hitching gasps interjecting themselves between his shards of words.

She reaches up to his face; he flinches, cries out in fright, startles her into pulling back.

“Baby, I… I wouldn’t… I can’t tell him anything. Your dad, he’s gone, remember? He’s dead.”

Lux laughs, short and humorless. “N-not, wasn’t re-eal, he’s, he’s not, why would he be, I, I’m so, stupid, he’s not…”

“He is, he’s gone. I was lying to get that cop to back off, so I could get you home safe.”

“...’s gonna, gonna be so ang-gry, an-” Lux’s chest hitches, and he makes a confused sound. After a few seconds, another hiccup escapes, and he continues. “An’ I don’t want’im to, to hit you, it’s my fault, I, tell’im, tell’im I - tell him I fought back against the officer, tell him…”

Laura takes his arms, slides her hands up to his shoulders, rubs up and down as she tries to make him focus. “He’s gone, Lux, you’re safe now. Nobody’s angry. No one’s gonna hit me.”

“...I hit the cop,” He mutters, and it sounds like he’s convincing himself, looks like he’s completely lost in the mess of his own head, thoughts scattered and memories drowning out logic.

She lets out a shaky sigh through her nose, falling silent as she watches him let the fear take over, as he accepts whatever terrible punishments he thinks await him when they get home. All she can do is shift forward to hold him, and pull his head down to rest on her shoulder, and give him time to trudge through the thoughts of a scared boy trapped in a place that wants him dead. She can rub his back, and tell him he’s safe, and wait as long as she wants, but she can’t go in his head and sort it out for him. She’s just going to have to get him home lost as he is, hope that some sleep and some time will help him figure it all out.

[onebloodsoakedlion]

Things I hate in Gacha Life

Since I have been satirising this series, I’m gonna talk about a few things I hate seeing in Gacha Life videos and stuff:

1) The Hated Child If the Gacha comic I was making wasn’t already a good enough indicator, The Hated Child vids are one of my biggest pet hates. What happens in this video? Well, a mother gives birth to two or more children. She takes a look at each baby and suddenly decides that she hates one of them. From the moment it is born. Throughout the entirety of the hated child’s childhood, they are abused and tortured by their parents and siblings. Eventually, either through sheer luck or pity, one or more of the following occurs to compensate for the child’s suffering: - The Hated Child becomes royalty. - The Hated Child gains superpowers and/or becomes a hybrid. - The Hated Child becomes popular at school. - The Hated Child finds love. - The Hated Child’s family realises their mistakes and atone for their wrongdoing. Why do I hate this trope: It’s completely unrealistic, overdone and throws logic right out of the window. What to do instead: Make a more realistic story about child abuse! Maybe the parents are already assholes and all the kids are abused. Maybe the Hated Child has a proper disability (e.g. Autism, ADHD) and the parents are ableist little shits and/or don’t know how to take proper care of a disabled child. Maybe the child themself is an asshole and had it coming. Maybe the parents don’t even know how to take care of a child and/or cannot afford to raise one. There are many cases of child abuse irl and although they are unfortunate, you can take inspiration from them.

2) Text-to-speech This isn’t something I have covered as of yet in my comic, but I plan on doing so with my animatic. Text to speech is when you put a bunch of words into a generator and it generates audio of a person speaking the words. Since the good old days of Go!Animate, this has been very grating. Why I hate this trope: - The result is an emotionless robot speaking. It cannot convey emotion. It cannot sound happy, sad or angry. - TTS cannot deal with misspelt words, drawn-out words (e.g. “NOOOOOOOO!”) or made up words, opting to spell them instead. - TTS voices can often sound unfitting of the character they are used for, possibly due to a lack of variety. What to do instead: Do the voice acting yourself! Many decives nowadays are more than capable of recording your voice! Find a quiet room to record your voice. You can twist your voice to sound like someone else, or put on an accent. If you’re that unconfident in your voice acting skills, combine grunts, shouts and giggles with speech bubbles or subtitles a la Glitchtale, OFF and Fire Emblem. Or don’t use voices at all. My animatic teaser already uses voice acting done by ME.

3) One frame for walking What I mean by this is only using the first frame of the walkcycle to indicate a character is walking, like this:

Why I hate this trope: It’s just very lazy and sloppy. It looks awful. What to do instead: Use all four frames of the walkcycle! It’s not THAT hard. It only adds a few clicks to the video-making process!

4) Speech bubbles cropped out Speech bubbles, since they appear directly above a character’s head, can end up being cut out by the view if the character is too big, too high up on the screen, or if there are too many words. Why I hate this trope: Should be obvious. It makes things harder to read and understand. What to do instead: Make sure your speech bubbles can fit within the screen. If you can’t do that, adjust your character, speech bubbles, or get rid of the speech bubbles and either use your own speech bubbles that you draw yourself, or use subtitles.

5) People believing the most ridiculous of lies. Imagine being as school as normal... but then out of nowhere, your best friend runs up to you, accuses you of attempting to murder some random person you didn’t even know, and immediately stops being your best friend. You ask them where they even got that from and they say “BECAUSE [insert school bully’s name here] SAYS SO!” Why I hate this trope: Any sane person would take such things with a pinch of salt. An example using FE Fates characters: If Azama told Hinoka that Ryoma tried to murder Tsubaki, would she believe him? No, she would slap him hard in the face and say “My brother wouldn’t do that!”. What to do instead: Use more subtle rumours. Something that is easy to believe, and maybe have the bully use a mole, someone who is close to the victim, to deliver the message so it’s more believable.

6) Slow walking/acting. Yeah, you’re probably familiar with this one. Why I hate this trope: It wastes time, makes the story boring and I just want to scream “GET TO THE GODDAMN POINT” What to do instead: Use a variable framerate! Even the most basic of movie makers should allow you to make pictures show for a mere 1/10th of a second, which should be good enough to get an okay animation. Shotcut, for example, has a default 30fps video, which should be MORE than enough to make a decently-paced Gacha vid.

7) Assuming that every student with glasses is a NERD. ...Because apparently, glasses = nerd. Looks tell all. Why I hate this trope: Not all people who wear glasses are actually nerds. Some people might NEED glasses to actually have a normal fucking life! What about short-sighted people? My mum wasn’t even good at school and she always has to wear glass because she is short-sighted. My dad isn’t much better - being the long-sighted person that he is, he needs glass to read things. Reading isn’t nerdy, it gives you essential fucking information! Like how to cook a meal in the oven! Gods! What to do instead: Use better, more realistic indicators about whether someone is a nerd.

8) Self-defence being a crime Imagine that two kids decide to physically bully you. You fight back. You win. Guess what happens next? The principal gets involved and calls your parents, who ground you for a week, treating your reasoning of self-defence as a pathetic excuse. Why I hate this trope: You’re basically being forced to choose between being beaten to within half an inch of your life and being punished to within half an inch of your sanity. What to do instead: Have people listen to the person who beat the others up. They should hear their side of the story and consider it. If you really want the defender to suffer, give them a lighter punishment than if they started the fight themselves. If you really want to paint this person as the bad guy, have them obviously go too far (such as bashing up someone smaller than them who was simply poking them with a stick).

9) Skimpy clothing. Sometimes the girls tend to wear skimpy clothing, as in, wearing short shorts or baring their midriffs, even as students in school. Why I hate this trope: They’re usually KIDS, FFS! And THIS IS IN A GAME MADE FOR KIDS! Also makes no sense considering the school’s dress code - even on non-uniform days, my school NEVER allowed skimpy clothing. What to do instead: Show feminity ANOTHER way! Dresses, skirts, pink and frills are just a mere handful of ways to convey this, or failing that, use feminine facial features such as pretty hair and eyelashes. If you really must show some skin, save it for outside of school: At home or at the beach are some acceptable places to expose oneself. But don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that everyone has to dress like Muslims, though.

10) No one noticing a character’s problems. In other words, people so blinded by lies and/or hate that they actually cannot tell that someone is being abused, bullied or suffering in any other way. Why I hate this trope: Because it makes everyone look like unempathetic assholes and only serves as a plot device for the character’s suffering. What to do instead: Have the character push people away, or be unable to recieve help due to circumstances other than no one offering it to them.

[riverrunscold]

I saw your tags, please info dump to me about your ocs, I wanna hear all about them!! 😊

Sorry I'm late getting to this ask! But I'm so ready to info dump!

Sorry if some of this is worded weird, I took it directly from my character notes which at the moment are doubling as my story developing notes.

Brief story description (so far):

A murder mystery story with the main characters, Rosemary Josephine Wynn, a skeptical detective and Cromwell, a trans spiritualist who is also a dumbass and excitable.

It's the 1920s, these two are working out of a small building that they rented out together, they have been friends since Rose first met Cromwell during an investigation. She loved ribbing him about ghosts not being real and enjoyed how flustered the man got. Though she also disagrees with the business he runs and once thought he was scamming people until she realized he actually believes the shit he sells.

Now, onto the characters!:

Rosemary- Rosemary is a black woman who dresses pretty similar to what women would in the 20s but would include more masculine outfits from time to time when she's conducting detective business. She found people took her more seriously that way but during the story maybe she stops wearing the masculine garb altogether when she realizes that she wants to be able to be herself and still be taken seriously. She also starts styling her hair in more ways, instead of trying as best she can to straighten it every morning or hide it under a hat. She also tends to have a more masculine bravado which she developed over the course of her career, influenced by her three brothers also. She has muscular arms and could beat you up in her favorite pair of heels if she wanted to. Her celtic zodiac animal is the Snake (something Cromwell references often). She's strong, strong-willed and strong-headed. Not at all spiritual, focuses on objective facts more often than not. Makes it a bit hard for her and Cromwell to get along at first. Rosemary is very in her own head and anxious but very silent about it, having experienced a lot of mental and physical abuse from her mother growing up. Her mother raised her as a work machine since she was young, never really stopping to teach her lessons about emotions and sometimes actively punishing her when she displayed them. She was less strict on her brothers, Rosemary thinks it's because she was her least favorite but her mom knew how hard it was for black women to get ahead in life so she made sure she focused on her studies and being good at multiple things (though it does not at all excuse her behavior). Therefore Rosemary ends up emotionally stunted later in life, not opening up often out of subconscious or conscious fear of repercussions. Throughout the story, Cromwell, being the outgoing nonjudgmental guy he is tries to help her open up and ends up being able to do that throughout the course of the story. This could possibly all crescendo into a point in the story where Rosemary shows her affection towards Cromwell through actions, not being great with emotional words or sometimes words in general. Maybe she puts herself in-between Cromwell and someone wishing to do him harm, being the stronger of the two and not wanting him to get hurt. This could possibly be at the expense of her own well-being. This could be a big turning point, Rosemary outwardly showing affection towards someone for the first time in possibly her whole life aside from her brothers. Rosemary suffers with PTSD, a result from her household abuse. She also has a hard time actually getting into relationships, watching her parents own degrade when she was younger. She's also terrified of being left by someone she lets herself get attached to, which is what happened with her dad. Since she has PTSD it often shapes the way she thinks or reacts, which will be incorporated into the story during her perspective chapters.

Cromwell-

Cromwell is actually his last name but he uses it instead of his dead name, one of his teacher's having called him by his last name once making him realize how much he loved not being referred to as his first or as Ms Cromwell. He's not out to anybody, just keeps connected to underground trans channels who also happen to frequent speakeasys around town. He's also Scottish, Cromwell being a Scottish name. He has red hair and freckles all over but his eyes are two different colors, it's almost not noticable. One's blue and one's green. He's a dumbass but I love him. Most people have a hard time understanding what he says because of his accent, a lot of people roll their eyes at him when they hear him speak. He doesn't speak much though because of the uncomfortableness he feels about his voice being too feminine for his liking. The only person he talks to with regularity is Rose but that's only because she basically forces him into arguments about ghosts. Don't worry though, they're all good natured on Rose's part, Cromwell's just dramatic. He also wears very worn clothing, a trench coat and white button up that were both too big for him. He also wore slacks with holes that were caused by moths and, so he claims to Rose's upset, spirits (He's mostly joking when he says it. Mostly).

Him believing in ghosts so much may also have to do with him wanting to be able to contact his sister who had passed away years ago but not even Rose knows about that until later on. His sister was really the only support he had in his family. Cromwell also taught himself how to sew, helped by his mother teaching him when he was younger, so he could create his own binders and give them to other trans men he knows. His celtic zodiac is the Fox, having been born March 31st 1899, making him 21. He's very spiritual and emotional, but very extroverted and wants to know others. He's also a tad flirtatious. He helps Rosemary get more in touch with her feelings or at least tries to. He started with giving her complements but that quickly turned out to not be at all effective, she tended to react to them with sarcasm or annoyance. Cromwell has ADHD. His symptoms also show through when the book shifts to his perspective.

Some thing I didn't mention, they are probably one of my favorite ship dynamics, the skeptic and believer, introvert and extrovert, opposites attract. I love that shit. Also slight rivals to friends to lovers babyy!

This also might be slightly based on Mulder and Scully but shut up xD

[scav-eng-er]

“If Nothing Else, We Have This.” TROS Alternate Ending 4/?

GUYS IM ALIVE. Coronavirus hasn’t gotten me holy shit this is so overdue and i apologize but this quarantine sucks and i had major writers block with the dialogue so i hope you guys like this and I WILL FINISH THIS STORY. 

OH! i also made an AO3 account so you guys can go there if its easier! Thank you!

To all my beans because you’re the only ones who keep me sane @reylo-trash-4ever @mojona1999 @kommissrawr @redheadonaflolol 

💙❤️

“What the hell was all that?!” Poe raised his voice as the trio entered the empty hanger. The footsteps echoed in the metallic room, the distant sounds of leftover victories could faintly be heard in Rey’s ears. However, her attention was on a more pressing matter…an angry pilot.

“Poe, I kno-“

“When did all this happen? I-I mean were you ever going to tell us?!”

“I was abo-“

“Do you know how much information you held? Kriff, Rey we could’ve ended this war months ago! This is ridiculous! Why do you defend him? Kylo Ren! The supreme leader?! Rey, do you know what he’s done!?”

She knew. She could feel it whenever he felt shame or guilt. That was the problem with being a dyad in the force, she guessed. She could feel whatever he felt, especially in times of self doubt. He knew the horrors he caused, the fights, the killing. Rey was afraid what it would do to him in future, not just in the eyes of the galaxy, but behind his own. Night terrors and nightmares were something she knew all too well. The screams in her pillow or her sobs, echoed in the darkness of her AT-AT. And if anyone could understand how those felt, it was Ben. And that was why she was afraid of what would happen if he was left alone. Rey wanted to be by his side if he ever needed her, to hold him with warm, comforting arms. Just the two of them.

“What if he’s leading a secret fleet here right now? He could’ve planned this all from the beginning!”

“Poe, he would never-”

“Oh, so have you two chit chatted about all this? Just gossiped about each other’s secrets and jeopardizing our entire cause for a good time?”

Rey’s cheeks reddened, embarrassment and anger swelling inside her. Poe wouldn’t let her speak, and he was scolding her like a child, “No! Why would I-“

“You tell me!” He was face to face with Rey and she noticed the droplets of sweat beading around his forehead and down his neck. He was exhausted from practically carrying the whole resistance on his shoulders. She saw how outgoing, confident and brave he was, but deep down, Rey felt sorry for Poe. He was just as scared as everyone else. 

If she could just get a word in..

“What have you told him? What makes you think you can even trust him?” 

She couldn’t look him in the eye, the anger about to burst. He was getting on her nerves and his disrespect towards Ben had Rey clenching her fists.  

“I mean he’s…he’s a monster!”

“ENOUGH!” Rey shouted. A vibration ricocheted off the metal hanging, the wires attached whipped suddenly. Poe did not flinch, but understood that his friend was serious. The hanger was once again silent, a comfortable but tense heaviness was in the room.

Finn felt it. Rey wasn’t stupid, far from it. He knew just how important the resistance was to her. But he also knew how much she craved connection, a family, belonging. He had felt it too when he ran from the First Order. He found a family in Rey, Poe, Rose, Leia, even Chewie. The resistance was his home. But something else was hers. 

Rey’s gaze focused on the makeshift monitor she graced her fingers over. She played around the buttons and lights, feeling their eyes burning on her. 

“That feeling you were telling us…?” Finn mumbled.

“I didn’t want to believe it either,” she started, “I knew he was a monster, or at least I thought he was. Can you imagine..? The one person everyone around you is talking about, a murderer, a dictator, a leader and servant to the dark side. The one person you are attached to since before you’re born.” 

Rey saw from the corner of her eyes Poe and Finn glance at each other. Poe couldn’t help but give an aggravating and tired sigh. 

She continued, walking around the main control center, “I felt it not long after our fight on Starkiller, like a shiver up my spine or vibration in my ear. But even so, he had multiple chances to kill me, and I him. So why didn’t we?”

Her friends leaned in, catching on to the importance that this “connection” she had with the Supreme Leader was.

She sighed, “A dyad. Bound souls in the Force. Two that are one..what he feels, I feel. What he senses, I sense. What he is, I am.” 

Rey had to stop, her mind reeling at the words coming out of her mouth. She reminded herself Ben was here, he was alive. His heart beat somewhere in the cells and that was enough to make her smile. Poe and Finn saw it too.

“So..you two are like..kindred spirits? Soulmates?” Finn questioned.

Rey could feel her cheeks redden by the word. 

Ben Solo. The son of Leia and Han, nephew to Luke. All these connections she had to his family, even before she met him, had to mean something. And still, destiny decided to make the two into one. From birth they were to be connected. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be romantically, but Rey and Ben were too far gone. They both knew that soon after their first encounter, there was something that burst open after struggling to break free for so long. She remembered how brooding and frightening he was. But when she reached into his mind, still bound in the interrogation room, Rey sensed his fear, his unraveling. His humanity. That was what she fell in love with. The man under the mask. The man behind Kylo Ren. Ben Solo. 

“Yes. I suppose we are.” She said to no one. Speaking the words out loud, she wished they could travel through the corridors and into the cells, giving Ben a clear indication of how much she cared for him. 

Remembering the discussion at hand, Rey pulled her attention to the boys. Poe’s hands leaned on the control center across from her. The sunset peaked through the canopy and wires of the hanger, criss crossing over the trios faces. Finn stood behind him, arms crossed and against another control boards, dusty and in need of repair.

Rey couldn’t make out the looks on their faces.

Poe gave huff of a laugh, too exhausted to express more emotion.

Finn looked back at Rey, with what looked like hope in his eyes.

The pilot turned, scratching his head, continuously sighing while he thought long and hard.

Rey didn’t realize how nervous she was, the palms of her hands sweating. Her arms felt heavy and she couldn’t move from her spot. Blood pumped in her eardrums, the only sound breaking the silence was now the distant cries of wild animals. 

Please, Poe. 

He eventually turned back and looked her in the eye.

“He has to be punished.”

~~~

“Why do you have that?” Ben nodded at the gleaming key in the young woman’s hands. She fiddled with it, hesitant to do anything. 

Rose could feel her mind pulling her in different directions. She wanted to hand it over, toss it to him and run, or just throw the key into the forest and forget she was ever there. Rose knew the trio would be too preoccupied to notice her gone. 

“You know why.” She spoke. Her voice was deeper than he thought. She was very short, Ben could obviously see that, but her determination made up for her stature. This woman held the key to his escape, his freedom, but he saw hate growing in her eyes.

She’s been affected by this war, just like everyone else. Ben thought. He was the cause of it, of course. Maybe he killed her family, or interrogated her lover. Then why does she want to let him out? 

With a click of his tongue, Ben shifted in his spot, the restraints on his wrists rubbed a little rough. 

“I can’t let you do that..” 

“You don’t get to decide what I can and can’t do.” Hate dripped from her lips, she couldn’t stand still.

Ben’s brows furrowed. Here was this strange woman, much shorter than Rey, he could see. A woman who probably hated him just as much as he used to hate himself. She still had the look of battle on her, face caked in dirt and hair wild and untamed. Rey and him had returned and were thrust into the aftermath so quickly, it was unlikely anyone had time to clean themselves up. It was more likely everyone was too interested talking about the defeated Supreme Leader Kylo Ren and his unfortunate consequence. Years of war because of Palpatine, Snoke, and him. 

This girl should want him dead, so why is she putting the key in the lock?!

The echo of the key placed in the lock bellowed down the hall. Ben stood, alert and confused, his hands still bound.

“Wait wait wait, kid! Stop, what are you doing?” He hurried to the bars, towering over Rose. Her hand was on the key, ready to turn and free Ben from his cell and restraints. She did not flinch or cower away.

She looked up at him, neck craned, her eyes held fury. Sunset from the entrance peered down the cells, and floating specks of dust could be seen between them. Up close, Ben noticed streaks of dirt and sweat on her. The knuckles of her hands were white as her grip tightened on the key.

“Back in the clearing,” she started, “we were all ready to see the Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren die. It should’ve warmed my heart to see you dragged away in chains. But then I saw something, in Rey.” 

Ben’s heart leapt at hearing her name, and he visibly relaxed. 

“I don’t know what it was, but it almost scared me. It wasn’t Rey, or..or maybe it was and we just never saw that side of her.” Rose began to ramble, Ben hanging on to every word.

“She was…passionate. Determined. Just so she could get to you…” While Ben stared down at her, they both knew she was on top of it all.

Rose had to turn her head, lips quivering and eyes welling up with tears, “it reminded me of my sister.” 

The ache that came from Ben’s chest was enough make him physically wince. The pain of his actions that was inflicted on others, was now coming back for him. 

“Just about everyone I know was about to give up, to end it all. But I knew she would fight until her dying breath. She would fight to protect and inspire those around her, the fire of the resistance only growing bigger and brighter because of her.”

Ben couldn’t tell if she was talking about her sister or Rey, but he smiled sadly, knowing there were so many who believed in the resistance, in his mother, and in Rey.

Rose sighed. “I know what I saw,” she said quietly, as if she was talking to herself.

“What?” Ben finally asked.

“Hope.”

Ben imagined a cave, dark, wet and cold. Outside a storm raged on, winds whipping and thrashing. Animals hidden and sheltered under twigs, branches, and burrows. It is empty in the cave and when you walk, it seems like its a never-ending path of darkness. And just as you’re about to give up, turn around and collapse from exhaustion, you see it. A flicker of light off the wall ahead of you. Every step is starting to get warmer, more inviting. 

Ben turns to the source of light and is somewhere else. He is outside, it’s sunny and warm. Its Ahch-To! He is back at the Jedi Temple? He hears distant laughter, children are playing. He follows the sounds over the hill. Ben nearly laughs at the sight of younglings running, other practicing with sticks. Girls and boys of different species scatter the island. They play tag and jump in the water, and he sees Rey watching them, teaching them. She turns to him, and her belly is swollen. She is smiling and happy, and all Ben wants to do is take her hand, outstretched and waiting for him.

“Hey!” A snap from Rose’s fingers woke him.

Her hand still held the key, ready to turn in the lock. 

“You ready to go?” She questioned.

His cheeks hurt from grinning, excited for the life that waited for him. Ben couldn’t care if it was 6 months or 10 years away. He felt his heart about to burst. He could finally do something right, and bring peace to the galaxy. He would have Rey for the rest of his life and their family would bring the return of the Jedi, with balance and hope for all. 

“I’m ready.”

A turn of the lock and the door opened, his restraints fell off with a loud clunk. He stepped through, rubbing his sore wrists. He gave a small nod to Rose.

“Thank you.” A small hand on his chest halted him.

Her eyes were dark again, “I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing this for Rey.”

Ben nodded again, though more cautious and understanding. He quietly made his way down the hall, until Rose mumbled, 

“And for Leia.”

Ben hadn’t realized he was holding his breath until he felt himself get dizzy. He stood still, unable to look at Rose.

“Where is my mom?”

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Trust Part 6

Summary: Jenna moves in across from Eddie and Venom after escaping an abusive relationship. Within hours of meeting the journalist, her ex-boyfriend winds up dead and she comes face to face with the creature terrorizing San Francisco.

Chapter Summary: The world is upside down.

Warnings: Grief, mentions of physical abuse

          Two days later, despite her warring thoughts, Jenna saw Eddie again. It was a sunny day and they went to get a coffee before walking through the park.

           They sat down on a bench to have a conversation, a continuation of their chat at dinner.

           “You’ve been well?” Eddie was concerned about how she was doing both healing her physical and mental wounds. He was also worried she was still getting death threats. Venom made sure to keep an eye out for suspicious people around her building. Of course, they couldn’t make certain of her safety unless they were glued to her side.

           “Uh yeah.” Jenna’s hesitation made the response sound insincere.

           Eddie glanced at her. She sat in a way that showed her wariness of the world. Her shoulder locked up and she appeared ready to react to anything negative that came her way. It was an instinctual defense mechanism. She learned that a person could blow up and attack at any moment for any reason they deemed reasonable.

           “You sure?”

           She swallowed. “There’s nothing to really say. “I’m just living day by day.”

           “She is sad.” Venom wilted at the observation.

           “That’s a good plan. I don’t wanna pry. Just wanted to check in because I know the threats shook you up.

           “Right.” She tilted her head up to watch little songbirds hopping around the tree branches above them. She wished she had been born an animal that didn’t have to deal with the human complexities. Although she was well versed in the survival mode.

           He followed her gaze but couldn’t read her mind. “Did you ask Anne for help?” He wondered.

           “Yeah, she’s looking at the screenshots I took. I guess she’ll see if it’s enough to bring to the police.” Her gaze returned to her coffee cup lid. She picked at the edge of the plastic with her thumbnail. “I know I can’t stop them from sending stuff to me.” I’m just so sick of looking over my shoulder. I thought I wouldn’t’ have to do that anymore I want to get out of that mindset.”

           Eddie and Venom both wordlessly agreed that those lowlifes would face serious consequences if they ever attempted to carry out those threats. “If you need to call or if you yell for us, we’ll be there,” Eddie promised.

           “Trust me, I know what you do to people who try to kick in my door.”

           He visibly cringed at the remark.

           She saw his discomfort and cracked a dry smile. “It was sort of a joke.”

           “Ha…”

           She sighed her shoulder drooped. “God…I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.” Her voice was defeated and tired. It only highlighted the dark circles under her beautifully tragic eyes. “I mean I thought the world was fucked before when I was going through all the shit. But now? Everything is upside down an-and I don’t know where I stand anymore. I’m confused and I just feel like anything I do will turn out to be a huge disaster.”

           Eddie recalled how he felt after losing everything. He felt so low that there was no chance anyone could find him and pull him back to the surface. Every step he took felt like a giant leap backward.

           “I think I know how you feel.” He hoped empathizing would benefit her. At least it would show her she wasn’t alone. “I lost everything basically within twenty-four hours. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I was so alone and off track. Jenna, I know we’ve faced different challenged. You are healing and honestly, you’re a lot stranger than I could ever be in the same spot. You may feel like you’re off course but you’re getting through each day, just like you said.” He encouraged gently. “No one can take that away from you.”

           Jenna’s heel thudded rhythmically against the bench leg. She sucked in her lower lip and bit down to hold back tears. No one had ever been proud of her just for surviving. “My dad always said when I was older, I would understand why he punished me the way he did. But I never have. I know that’s not love and maybe I’ve always known but was too hurt. But I knew for so long that I could never do what they did. I never fought back. The thought of harming someone that I said I loved? Even if they did it to me I couldn’t give it back to them. Because then my view of love would be even more distorted.” Her voice caught in her throat. “Eddie, I want to believe love is out there. I want to believe that I’ll feel safe. But time and time and time again I’ve been proven wrong. It’s like God is looking me in the eye and saying, ‘love is out there but you’ll experience none of it’. And I can’t ask him why. He doesn’t have an answer.” Her eyes watered and she had to put her coffee down on the pavement to wipe the tears away.

           “Why can we not comfort her and heal her?” Venom was reeling at the thought that their beloved neighbor and keeper of their affection was in turmoil. She was hurting and they couldn’t beat up the bad guys or take her to the hospital to save her. They felt helpless as she cried.

           “Have you ever felt like you don’t deserve love?” She sniffled and felt so vulnerable it tore her to shreds.

           Eddie had to take a calming breath before he answered. Seeing her cry was throwing him into a heap of emotions. But he wasn’t sure if breaking down would help her or make things worse. He needed to try to stay strong and be her rock if she needed him to be. “Yeah, I have.”

           “I-I don’t understand it. It hurts so much.” She furiously kept drying her eyes with her sweater sleeve. Tears were weakness.

           “Jenna, you do deserve love,” Eddie told her with confidence. “You-you’re a kind of person that I’ve rarely come across. It’s kinda like when I was younger, the boys on my street would trap bugs and pull their wings or their legs off. I always hated it because they were taking apart this creature that never did anything to them. Those assholes who hurt you…they broke off a piece of you and you don’t deserve that. You never deserved that even if they said you did. But you can heal I know you can. And if I could do it for you, I would in a heartbeat. Ven and I hate seeing you in so much pain.”

           She sniffed and took a heaving breath. “I didn’t think you could be so eloquent with a New York accent.” She teased weakly.

           He chuckled. “Yeah, suppose it would sound better coming from a British guy or something.” The humor lifted the mood.

           She shook her head. “I like hearing you say it.” She picked up her coffee, eager to get past the heavy conversation. There was only so much she could handle at once. “Why did you move here?”

           “Well, Anne’s job.” He shrugged and watched a few people walk by.

           “The truth, Eddie.” Venom prodded him because they both knew that wasn’t the complete reason.

           “And I uh-got into some mishaps.” He stretched his arms and rested one on the bench back near Jenna’s shoulders.

           “Mishaps?”

           “You sound surprised.” He winced and shrugged with a shy smile.

           “I guess I just thought mishaps were a recent trend for you.”

           “No…” He shook his head. “Sort of a lifelong trait. Outta college I got attention for my work.” He pointed to his temple. “Let it go to my head, y’know? Butted heads with a few people at the Daily Bugle and got-”

           “Blacklisted.” Jenna finished for him. “So are you trying to make your way through all fifty states or are you trying to just hit all the major cities?” She feigned innocence.

           Venom and Eddie laughed. “She is witty. I like when she makes fun of you.” The symbiote chortled.

           Eddie smiled and ran a hand through his hair. “Nah, I like it here. ‘Specially ‘cause you’re here. And next door at that, so why would I go anywhere?”

           Their eyes met and she studied his face. “Eddie, I want you to know that…I would love to fall in love with you.” She said steadily, not moving her gaze from his.

           The two perked up. “Yeah?” He was a little breathless because he wasn’t expecting the comment.

           “I just don’t know.” She admitted and swallowed. “I guess…I’m worried for you and about you. There’s a lot of different parts to it.”

           “What are they?” He hoped they could get past them and maybe her healing process could be helped along if he knew.

           She sighed. “That’s another day.” She told him.

           “Fair enough.” He leaned back in the bench and they fell quiet.

           “You’re soft, Eddie.” She said before standing up. “I know you probably don’t think so and maybe people don’t see that. But you are. That’s not a bad thing but…you can get hurt easily. I know how the world treats people who care.” She nodded and pulled her purse over her shoulder. “Thanks for walking with me.” With that, she walked away.

           Eddie tilted his head back and closed his eyes. The world really was upside down.

============

           The next day, Eddie walked up to his floor with a bag of snacks for Venom. It was date night, which meant lots of chocolate, a movie, and starting their sexual relationship.

           But plans would be delayed.

           The reached the landing and both instantly noticed Jenna’s door was wide open. This was alarmingly unlike her. They’d heard the number of locks she had when they parted ways after dinner. She wasn’t one to leave her personal space vulnerable.

           “Something is wrong.”

           “Jenna?” Eddie called as he cautiously walked to her doorway. He was about to knock on the doorframe just in case when he saw the state her apartment was in.

           It was as if a hurricane ripped through the small apartment. Her table was turned over, curtains ripped from the rod, and a metal baseball bat was lying on the ground next to a smashed mirror.

           “No, no, no, no.” He dropped the bag as his worst fears were realized and paralyzing anxiety hit him right in the gut.

           “Someone has kidnapped her!” Venom raged in a frenzied panic. Black armor threatened to take over, traveling up his arms and shoulders.

           “Okay, we need to call the police.”

           “The police?” Venom let out an aghast scoff. “They will be too slow. I will find her. I can follow her scent.

           “You’re not a damn bloodhound, Ven, we can’t just find her on our own. They could’ve gotten anywhere by now. We don’t know how long she’s been gone.”

           “The water glass on the counter.” Venom pointed out to him. “The ice cubes have not melted. They have not gotten far. Now can we stop wasting time?” He overtook Eddie’s body and leaped out of the window.

           Eddie felt glad that he let the symbiote watch forensic crime shows.

   Permanent Tags: @what-the-buckybarnes @captainmarmel

Tag list: @goddessofthunder112

Masterpost

My Masterlist

[rkmeiqi-archived]

AUGUST EVALUATION — CENTER PERFORMANCE !      now playing: runaway by pentagon || line distribution        ╰ ft. @rkhoon, @rkjimin, @rkkangjoon, @rkxjongsuk, @hyojongrk, @rkkmh, @bambamrk, npc #1, npc #2

when she had first heard about the month’s evaluations, the concept should have excited her. taking on the role as a center in a performance of her choice—for someone who thrives off of attention, this should have been meiqi’s priority for the next 31 days. but life, she hates to say it, worked in callous, unjust ways no matter how hard she tried to rewire her brain to think otherwise. she can’t change facts.

the thought of even going to the nova building didn’t dare cross her mind for the first three days of august. meiqi found temporary purchase in a hospital chair by her cousin’s side, and only when he woke from the coma did she bother to remember that she’s a trainee with responsibilities, and she had disregarded them all without as much as a notice. so, after promising yukhei that she would visit with every chance she had, meiqi took off towards the nova building before any of the staff members noticed (she figured they already had, but were being lenient due to her recent model behaviour).

the lecture she got upon arrival had grated on her nerves. rather than punish her for her sudden disappearance, they wanted to reprimand meiqi for posting a god damn song. there was no “hello, meiqi, how have you been?” or “gee, you look like shit. did something happen?” at that point, she would have preferred to get yelled at for acting rashly so that she could unleash all of the emotions about her cousin that weighed on her shoulders. she hadn’t talked to anyone about it except her aunt, so a few sobs might have gotten her off the hook.

but no. nova didn’t care about anything except the possible profits they could lose off of a mere upload onto soundcloud. despite the staff member being semi-kind, meiqi couldn’t control how… insignificant she felt, and so of course, she had to make it worse.

“i’m not sorry for it.”

she had ranted about it to yukhei that evening, without knowing what else was to come. in a desperate attempt to get her to stop complaining, her cousin offered to help her choose her song for the evaluation (she ended up picking another, but she didn’t tell him that).

in the morning, meiqi had dashed around the seocho complex to find groups to join. initially, she had wanted only one other performance so that she could work on it quickly and then return to the hospital before visiting hours were over. somewhere along the way, after images of yukhei wrapped in bandages kept appearing behind her eyelids every time she blinked, meiqi had joined three other groups so that her mind could constantly be occupied; if she gave it no free time, then maybe she wouldn’t have to think about the fact that she almost lost her cousin the same way she lost her father.

and then those assholes had to make everything worsen, tenfold.

was hyun bin really stooping so low? meiqi couldn’t help but wonder if katie lee would treat her trainees in a similar way, or if she’d be much warmer. she liked to believe the latter, and for once since joining nova, she wished it had been another company.

for the next week, she had to deal with being monitored at a two-to-one ratio from lunch to dinner. the instructors were not kind, but maybe that was because meiqi refused to abide by their rules for the first two days. by day three, she decided to just grit her teeth and smile contemptuously. they had learned that running laps was no hindrance to meiqi, but push ups were; there was no way she was going to get down on that filthy floor, nor was she going to deal with the ache in her arms that followed.

though her afternoons were ruined, meiqi still tried to put her all into practicing each and every performance. rather than going to the hospital as soon as training ended, like she had promised, meiqi stayed until the early hours of the morning. whether it was to practice with other trainees, or to go through the motions of choreography herself, or memorize lines, almost every night consisted of only 3 hours of sleep at most, with the floor as her bed and her jacket as a pillow.

when august 11th came around, it got easier. she didn’t have to worry about the snobbish ladies whose sole job was to torture meiqi. from the texts her aunt sent her, yukhei was also doing much better and would be discharged soon. two of her biggest stressors were gone, and that was the first night meiqi returned back to her apartment and slept in her own bed, for a good 6 hours (she slept like a baby in chungha’s arms). the experience had her feeling refreshed, bringing back her positive attitude so that she could collaborate with her teams to the best of her abilities.

by the time evaluations rolled around, the colour had returned to meiqi’s face and the dark circles under her eyes had almost completely faded away. though her frame looked thinner from the intense weeks prior, most of her energy had returned, and her body was tingling in excitement to finally perform as a center.

she introduces her team and the song she will be performing: runaway by pentagon, and eagerly urges everyone to get in their places.

when the music starts, meiqi steps out into the front. she had practiced her facial expressions in front of a mirror whenever she visited the restroom, and had cycled through many before settling on the perfect one for the opening beats. she found that the best faces were the most natural-seeming ones, especially when it came to being sultry. being in a group of all boys, she had shown them each of her flirtatious expressions to find the best one to showcase; she does so, effortlessly, and hopes that when everyone rewatches these performances in september, they’ll collectively cheer in acknowledgement.

she delivers her first lines easily, what with the lack of movement so far, and they come out loud and smooth as if they were pre-recorded. meiqi comes to the front of the stage, her hand trailing across her neck as she sings: “just leave me alone. you can’t stop me” and then, along with jihoon and another trainee, she drops to her knees.

meiqi’s glad her performance is only the second out of all the groups she’s a part of. she’s not harbouring much prior fatigue from having already taken the stage one too many times, and she doesn’t have to worry as much about carefully pacing herself, since at this point, she has lots to give. the only performance she has done so far is kangjoon’s and it served as more of a warmup-slash-rehearsal for hers.

when meiqi takes center again, this time for the killing part in the chorus, her movements are fluid and concise. she doesn’t hesitate to bite her lower lip at the slow part, before replacing her alluring gaze with an intensely focused one as the choreography gets harder.

while watching the choreography of the song at the beginning of the month, meiqi was most eager to do the part where she could have the spotlight solely on her, to showcase her skills without anyone else moving. it just so happened that, following that split second, meiqi had to get close with one of the trainees.

“i’m being colored gray more and more with a frustrated heart, i close my eyes again oh yeah”

she doesn’t mind physical contact at all. jihoon was another case, but they had practiced enough for her to not dwell on the what-if’s regarding his failure, and just do it. meiqi trusts the boy, and she knows that he’s worked hard to improve and not let his timidity get in the way. when his hand passes down her arm confidently, meiqi has to suppress the proud smile that threatens to ruin her performance. instead, once he grabs her hand, she gives it a quick squeeze, as if to say “good job, you did great” before spinning around and crouching to the floor.

her cousin viian had asked, during one of their routine skype calls, why meiqi had chosen a boy group song instead of a girl group because it would have been easier to balance dancing, expressions, and singing live. meiqi had snorted at the idea. she wanted to display how much she’s improved in the 8 months between her audition and now, but also, why would she ever take the easy way out? meiqi loves the difficult choreography and the sort of elegant vibe that “runaway” has. no girl group song out there right now could take runaway’s place, or even had a chance at doing so.

“take me out, please hold me”

following meiqi’s last line, she can finally throw caution to the wind regarding breath control. she can give her all, knowing that she’s done incredible. in some twisted way, she wants to thank those trainers that pushed her for that first week, because the amount of extra exercise she had done, had done wonders for her stamina. meiqi, despite dancing like she’s never danced before, feels like she could do it a million times more (perhaps that’s good, considering she has two more non-center performances coming up).

the final chorus has meiqi placed in the center, and it feels like she belongs there. ever since she was a kid, she had a feeling that she was born to be in the spotlight, but this performance just solidified the thought. it feels like she’s actually an idol, performing on a music show stage, with cameras capturing her every smirk. she loves it. she wants to feel it again soon.

the song ends with every trainee holding one arm in the air, their heads tilted backwards to stare at their fist. seconds pass before meiqi drops the pose and cracks a smile. she bows a full 90 degrees in the direction of the panel of coaches, hoping they know that she’s being sincere right now rather than how she had been acting two weeks ago, before thanking all of the trainees that had helped let meiqi shine. she hugs each and every one of them, and even if all of their skin is sticky with sweat and they’re still panting to catch their breath, meiqi’s smile doesn’t fade.

[carrowe]

AMYCUS CARROW is A DEATH EATER in the war, even though HIS official job is as A CURSE BREAKER & HIT MAN the TWENTY SIX year old PUREBLOOD is known to be PATIENT and RESERVED but also VIOLENT and TWO FACED. some might label them as THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE. fc: ryan gosling 

ANTHEMS:

feel it still - portugal the man // devil like me - rainbow kitten surprise // dead man’s arms - bishop briggs // fever pitch - rainbow kitten surprise // devil eyes - hippie sabotage // dark side - bishop briggs.

pinterest board (x)

BACKGROUND / FAMILY:

Amycus Abigor Carrow came crashing into the world screaming for his sister. Born the eldest to the Carrow dynasty, he was expected to eventually mount the role as the heir to the family legacy, but Amycus quickly proved himself to be Quite the Disappointment. 

As a young child, Amycus was soft spoken, easily intimidated and quiet ( main inspiration for baby Amycus: Radu from And I Darken tbh ). Mostly clung to the family’s staff, always crying, always craving closeness. For a while, he was just as angelic as he looked. 

Never saw much of his parents while growing up. His father was a successful businessman who only had kids because he was supposed to ( to carry on the blood line ), and wanted nothing to do with him. Instead, Amycus was left in the care of his grandfather.

His grandfather was FUCKED. An absolutely terrible man. A Death Eater before his time. An actual demon. Can’t say enough bad things about him, ya feel.

Either way, his grandfather was absolutely disgusted by Amycus, who could never fit into the mold that had been created for him. Thought his grandson was a poor excuse for a Carrow and thought he could change that through pain and violence. So, lessons were drilled in using corporal punishment, and the emotional and physical abuse he suffered eventually turned him into something colder and darker. What had once been soft, turned harsh, rough around the edges. A shell of a boy was left behind, not a trace of that sweetness left behind once they were done with him ( but were they ever? ).

Amycus basically became filled with resentment against everyone in his family, with the exception of Alecto. She has always been there, from the day they were born. She was the one to dry his tears, the one to hold his hand, the one to tell him where to hide. The one constant, his safe haven. They come as a matching set, and Amycus would kill ( and definitively has, too lbr ) for her.

Gained a definite rebellious streak pretty early on, which only became more aggressive as he got older. Once he reached his teenage years, he’d do ANYTHING and everything to fuck with his father & grandfather. Kinda stopped caring about the punishment, so used to pain that he stopped fearing it. Almost stopped feeling it.

Definitively grew up in his sister’s shadow, and was always the lesser Carrow.

When he turned fifteen, he moved out and never looked back. Decided to make his own future, and just never spoke to his family (Alecto is always the exception we all know this) again. Because fuck y’all, basically.

SO. His family’s plans had been for him to finish his education at Hogwarts, and then follow in his father’s foot steps and take over the company and the family name. Amycus had different plans though, obviously. 

His family were... so angry with him. But they definitively pretend ( because can’t have Amycus ruining their good reputation, am I right ) that they were the ones to encourage Amycus to find his own path in life and become a curse breaker.

Though, Amycus was never denounced as a Carrow ( because they didn’t wanna air their dirty laundry to the world, ya know ). Most pureblood families have noticed though that Amycus isn’t exactly... close with his family. I mean, at pureblood parties, he literally pretends that he can’t see them. 

AESTHETIC / VIBES:

old gramophones, blood stained mirrors, broken glasses, bleeding fists, standing in silence for hours, chipped teeth, unwavering loyalty, unhealed scars, getting home at the crack of dawn, red wine, eyes too blue to be trusted, long showers, god complexes, the color of dusk, messy hair, blood soaked suits, always cheating death, a rebel just for kicks, dried crimson on dull blades, half smiles, just beating and beating until the world stops, no conscience, half empty wine bottles, impersonal offices, a face that doesn’t quite match his demeanor.

HOGWARTS YEARS:

Was a hat stall between Hufflepuff and Slytherin. 

patience/loyalty/dedication vs self preservation/resourcefulness/dedication mostly.

At Hogwarts, Amycus felt in power for the first time. Ended up becoming the aggressor, finding solace in pain and violence. Found that he was good at inflicting pain, and liked being good at SOMETHING. Had never really felt that before. :/

Eventually got a taste for blood, and started getting into fights with other students, each run in more violent than the next.

STILL, did not end up in detention, because for a while, the teachers couldn’t believe that someone like Amycus ( who was mostly known for being very quiet and looking sweet ) would hurt another student. It would take for him to eventually get caught in the act, until that perception shattered.

Was that kid who used bugs and insects to practice unforgivable curses on. Eventually progressed to torturing students as well.

Excelled in charms, and can do wonders with a wand when he puts his mind to it. Most other grades were pretty shit though. 

AFTER HOGWARTS:

Once he graduated from Hogwarts, he was meant to take his place in the Carrow dynasty ( grandfather somehow STILL believing that he would come to his senses ), but fuck that. So he basically left the country as fast as possible, and became a cursebreaker.

Which just made sense, because he has always been good at inflicting curses, and breaking them isn’t that different. He is very good at what he does.

First few years were spent working in ancient tombs abroad, mostly. That kind of work fit him really well, because he could wear whatever he wanted, didn’t have to talk to people too much, could do his own thing. Was also always someone around to beat up.

After a while, he started missing his sister, and returned home, where he found work at the ministry of magic. Today, he works for the removal of curses, jinxes and hexes office, which is a subdivision for the improper use of magic office. 

Really likes his job? BUT. Also has a #second job.

On the side, he’s sort of a gun ( wand ) for hire, and will kill anyone who needs to be killed, for a price. Gives zero shit about the money though ( but the client needs to be rich, ya feel ).

Most of his clients are members of the sacred 28, who somehow always seem to want SOMEONE dead.

Honestly, I haven’t 100% figured out how he conducts this business because obviously he wants to remain anonymous. He probably has some sort of dramatic way of getting people to give him names that need to die idk. #to be determined

Joined the Death Eaters mostly because of his sister? But their agenda also really fits him, because violence? Bigotry? Death? Sign him tf up.

He isn’t the most invested in the whole pureblood supremacy thing ( but would he ever admit that? that’s a no ), but overall likes Voldemort and what he stands for.

Though he’s also lowkey intimidated by / afraid of Voldemort and is quite pleased with the fact that he doesn’t have to report directly to him.

For the Death Eaters, Amycus mostly works as an information gatherer, which is basically just a euphemism for him being one of their main torturers, who will torture people until they tell him whatever it is the Death Eaters want to know. He usually works together with his sister and they are disturbingly good at what they do.

AS A PERSON:

Cares very little for most people and is so so so selfish.

Lacks most of the finesse of his sister, tbh.

100% neutral evil. Kind of has a moral compass, it just points in the wrong direction at all times? Mostly just does whatever is best for him and Alecto though, and has zero interest in any righteous bullshit.

Does he think that he’s doing the right thing? Nope. He’s well aware that he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. A bad dude.  Does he care? Also no.

Might just be the most private person you’ll ever meet? He seldom reveals anything about himself, and when he does, it’s usually not true.

Will also lie about the dumbest and smallest of details.

SO self disciplined. Always in complete control, and it’s very hard to get a genuine reaction / rise out of him. Also so so so patient, and is happy to wait for whatever his current end game is.

Drinks and smokes heavily, but doesn’t personally think that he has a problem.

Mostly just a dumb asshole.

SO COLD.

Thrives off violence and is a total brute tbh.

Never fucking does what anyone tells him to do. 

Someone: pls do this Amycus: *does the exact opposite*

Bisexual !

Pretty good at hiding his death eater ties since he’s… paranoid as FUCK. And also keeps to himself. Always wears a mask. But some people probably suspect… stuff anyways, if they’ve like. Spent longer than two hours with him. Listen if Amycus wasn’t such a fucking asshole he probably could get away with it (/scooby doo villain voice). But then again, others will probably think he’s just cold af.

Looks a lot nicer than he is, which works to his advantage most of the time? Like he just looks like a nerdy, good dude. Is a total demon, but looks like an angel. 

STYLE / FASHION / APPEARANCE :

Wears glasses (x), but somehow manages to fucking break them ALL THE TIME. The only thing keeping them together is magic.

Wears mostly wizard suits for work ( bc he has to :/ ), but will wear those long black robes in his free time. Think a vampire cape, flying in the wind. Ultimate drama. He really is THAT guy.

Will also wear stupid wizard band t-shirts a lot when working.

Keeps his hair short.

Like 70% of his wealth is probably spent on buying new clothes, because he keeps fucking ruining them by getting blood on them? Or just having them ripped to shreds in a fight, that works too.

Looks like he’s wearing the same exact shoes every day but actually has like... 200 different pairs. They all look the same.

Eyes appear either blue or grey, depending on the lighting.

Has some tattoos, and a half sleeve on his right arm, going from his shoulder to his elbow.

CHARACTER INFLUENCES :

caleb haas ( quantico )- the snark. the assholery. the background. the black sheep.

clay haas ( quantico ) - just the right amount of polished. the style. the general aesthetic. the hair.

angelus ( btvs ) - the disregard for human life. the darkness. the occasional brooding. the quips. 

holden ford ( mindhunter ) - the scheming. the hidden ambition. the slyness. the resolution.

lucifer morningstar ( lucifer ) - the smile, the general vibe, the quips, the mannerisms, the darkness.

eric northman ( southern vampire mysteries ) - the confidence. the general dumbness. the stubbornness.

demon dean winchester ( supernatural ) - the occasional charm. the being an actual demon-ness. the blood lust. the bad jokes. the weakness for a pretty face.

wolverine ( x men ) - the violence. the moodiness. the hatred. the occasional gruff demeanor.

takeshi kovac ( altered carbon ) - the violence. the fucked up moral compass. the buried anger. the instinct to fight.

elian ( to kill a kingdom ) - the rebel prince. the angry heir. the sarcasm. the dialogue.

radu ( and i darken ) - amycus as a child. the softness. the sweet face. the loyalty to his sister.

hannibal lecter ( silence of the lambs ) - the calm. the politeness. seems so civilized, so nice. isn’t though.

FAVORITE CHARACTER TROPES :

DISSONANT SERENITY - someone smiling gently in the middle of death and carnage, seeming almost enlightened as they slit throats left and right.

THE BERSERKER - throws himself into battle with such reckless abandon, that it seems like he wants to die. never, ever retreats.

FACE OF AN ANGEL, MIND OF A DEMON - looks nice, is a demon.

DEVIL IN PLAIN SIGHT - obviously up to no good, but few people seem to take notice.

EVEN EVIL HAS LOVED ONES - loves his sister.

BLACK SHEEP - the family screw up, someone who rejects their role in the family.

DARK AND TROUBLED PAST™ - something terrible happened in the past. tragic backstory. yada yada.

EVEN EVIL HAS STANDARDS - or at least his own moral compass.

MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE - turns out evil has quite a lot of money and excellent fashion taste. most of the time.

PRAGMATIC VILLAINY - only does evil things when it serves him or his purposes tbh.

VIOLENCE IS THE ONLY OPTION - must fight.

OPPORTUNISTIC BASTARD - doesn’t really have a plan, totally winging it.

[witchdoodle]

banter between my ocs

Katerina: What did you do? Shan: Please be more specific. Katerina: They made you tranquil... why? What did you do? Shan: I was responsible for inciting a riot, during which two templars were injured and one apprentice died. The Knight-Commander had me made tranquil as punishment. Katerina: That's... that's horrible. And that's not what tranquility is for. It's not meant to be punitive! Shan: No. Katerina: I'm so sorry. Shan: That is a kind sentiment.

Katerina: I never served in a circle. I didn't make it that far. What was it like? Shan: Please ask more specific questions. Katerina: Oh -- sorry. I mean, were you unhappy there? Shan: I suppose I was. It is likely that many of my actions were motivated by dissatisfaction. I no longer remember why. Katerina: What do you mean? Shan: I remember the events that occurred during my time in the Circle, but am unable to recall the emotional state behind any of my actions before my connection to the Fade was severed. Katerina: Oh...

Katerina: Where did you learn to fight, Shan? Shan: It was necessary to learn to defend myself after the Circle tower was abandoned. There were many bandits. Katerina: You don't exactly fight like a self-taught combatant, though. You've got a whole technique. Shan: Yes. A woman in Denerim trained me in knife combat. She wanted me to be capable of defending myself. Katerina: Was she your friend? Shan: I am sorry. I don't understand the question. Katerina: Nevermind.

Katerina: You have those elfy tattoos, but your technique looks like Circle magic. Are you from a Circle, then? Leith: White Spire. Katerina: I'm sorry. I've heard... stories. Did they treat you poorly? Leith: She jumped. She left me behind and she jumped. I saw them pull the pieces off and burn them. How will she find her way to Falon'din? Katerina: ... who? Leith: Sister. Katerina: Maker's breath. I'm... I'm sorry. Leith: You didn't do it.

Katerina: Is it true? You're a maleficar? Leith: Not malevolent. No. Katerina: But you practice blood magic. Leith: Yes. Katerina: Maker's breath, why? It's evil. Leith: Stick your hand on a burning log and call it evil. Katerina: That is NOT the same thing. Leith: No? The log is not evil. It hurt nobody. But it fuels a fire. Maybe that fire keeps someone warm. Maybe it boils water. Maybe it starts a forest fire. Maybe maybe maybe. Leith: It's all maybes. Maybe maleficar. Maybe fire. And anyway it's my blood. Not yours. Katerina: It had better bloody well stay that way!

Katerina: Sooner or later your own blood will not be enough. You'll have to use others' blood. Leith: Not really. Katerina: It's true. It's how it always goes happens. Always. The power is addicting, and you need more and more until... Leith: How many blood mages have you known? Katerina: I... well... Leith: A sword can cut down the innocent just as well as the guilty. You aren't begging for a bigger sword. Katerina: But I don't need a bigger sword for what I mean to do. Leith: Neither do I. Katerina: You don't feel the slightest urge to progress? Don't you want to be more powerful? Leith: No. Katerina: ... no? Leith: No. Katerina: You don't feel even the teensy-weensiest desire to be a little bit stronger? Leith: Do you?

Katerina: Demons are not your friends. They'll pose as such because they want control of your body. They want to cross into this world and destroy it. Leith: Why? Katerina: Because they're jealous of the Maker's creations, jealous of us! Leith: I don't think they are very jealous of me. I think if they used my skin suit it would be a downgrade. Maybe that's why they've never tried? Katerina: Ugh. The fact remains that demons cannot be your friends. Leith: They are not demons for me.

Katerina: You're rather tall for an elf. Leith: You're rather short for a human. Katerina: That -- hey!

Leith: You want something you can blame, something you can fight. You want something that makes sense, because it made sense before and now it doesn't, and maybe if they were wrong about that they're wrong about everything. Leith: I don't believe in a Maker. But you can, if it gives you purpose. And I think he would believe in you too. Katerina: That's... almost comforting, thanks.

Katerina: Your accent sounds familiar. Shireen: I wasn't born Dalish. I grew up in Val Royeaux. Katerina: A-ha! So that's what it is. You're from the alienage, then? Shireen: Sure. I'm from the alienage. Katerina: Why did you leave? Shireen: The Dalish were... kind to me, when others were not. They wanted me around. They gave two shits when no one else in the world did. Why wouldn't I want to be with them? Katerina: I don't mean to pry, but it sounds like your life was hard. I'm glad you found your people. Shireen: Thank you. I am, too.

Katerina: I know the alienage wasn't the best place in the world, but did you like Val Royeaux? Shireen: No. Katerina: Why not? It's a city of such beauty and importance -- the center of Orlesian culture, our spiritual heart... Shireen: You see gilded lions and grand marble columns. I see an army of invisible slaves toiling in the shadow of the Sunburst Throne. Katerina: Slaves? Slavery is illegal in Orlais. Shireen: Sure. How often do you think laws stop anyone with wealth from doing anything they please? Shireen: My parents sold me to a passing noble. I was eight. I remember. Katerina: I'm... so sorry. I didn't realise.

Katerina: Slavery is illegal in Orlais. Did you ever think to ask for help? Shireen: From whom? I was eight! Where would I go? Who would listen to a knife-ear? Shireen: My master kept me confined to his manor. If I tried to escape, I was caught and beaten. He threatened to kill my family. Shireen: I did not care for my parents. But my brothers and sisters... Katerina: That's... awful. Someone should have said something. I'm sorry.

Shireen: Why did you want to be a templar, anyway? Katerina: My father was one. A very famous one. I'd be surprised if you hadn't heard of him, actually. I idolized him; I wanted to be just like him. Shireen: And are you? Katerina: You know... I hope not. Shireen: Well, you left the Order, so you've got that going for you. Katerina: I'm embarrassed it took so long. I should have seen sooner... but I so wanted to believe we were doing good, that it was just a few bad apples in the bunch. Katerina: It took me too long to remove the blinders and see what the Order had become. Or maybe what it always was. Shireen: You did the right thing, and now you're trying to make the world better. Don't beat yourself up over how you got here. Katerina: ... Thank you. That means a lot.

Shireen: For what it's worth, I believe your father may have had good intentions. Katerina: I'm trying to believe that. That his crime was blindness, not cruelty. Shireen: If he was motivated by selfish gain, he would have become a chevalier. Katerina: He was a commoner. Chevalier only take nobles. Shireen: Good, then. Katerina: You're not a fan? Shireen: Every spring the new chevalier graduates ride through alienages across Orlais and slaughter the first elf they see. To test their blades. Katerina: ... Maker's breath. How did I not know this...? Shireen: You know now.

Shireen: Lethallen, what happened to your clan? Leith: Gone. Shireen: Killed, you mean? Leith: Gone. Shireen: Which clan was it? Leith: No. Shireen: ... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry. Leith, in Elvish: Keeper wanted to protect us. They came for the women, and he said no. They came back with more men, too many men, and killed them all. I couldn't protect them. I couldn't stop it. Shireen, in Elvish: It wasn't your fault. Leith: ... ma serannas, lethallan.

Shireen: I've never seen vallaslin like that. Which god is it meant to honour? Leith: No. Shireen: No god? I thought that was the point of them. Leith: Sometimes. Used to be. It's different now. We're different, changed. Dalish is not Halamshiral is not Elvhenan. We make our own meaning. Shireen: What does it mean, then? Leith: I have teeth too. Shireen: That you do.

Shireen: So... Leith: Button. Shireen: I saw you canoodling with the commander. Leith: He has a good smell, and warm hands. I like it. Shireen: Lethallen... Leith: Yes? Shireen, in Elvish: Bang that like an aravel's sail in a hurricane. Leith: (laughs)

Shireen: So... you can't feel anything, then? Shan: I am able to experience the same range of physical sensation as anyone else. When they severed my connection to the Fade, it removed my ability to dream and experience emotion. Shireen: Do you remember what it was like... before? Shan: No. Shireen: So you're not even living, are you? Just... surviving. Shan: You may think of it that way if you like. Shireen: No offense, but I'd kill myself first. Shan: I did try.

Shireen: Do you miss having magic? Shan: No. Shireen: You wouldn't rather still be a mage? Shan: I am content to exist as I am. Shireen: Really? You're fine with this? Shan: Would you rather be a badger? Shireen: I... what? No. Shan: You are not able to imagine what life as a badger would be like. Similarly, I am no longer able to imagine what a life with emotion feels like. I do not desire what I can't imagine. Shireen: ... I'd rather be a badger.

Shan: If the Dalish do not use templars, what do they do when mages become possessed by demons? Padraig: It doesn't happen often. Our mages don't grow up learning to fear their magic -- they learn to embrace it, to harness it. Even to want it. Padraig: To be the Keeper's apprentice is a great honour, and even a Second or Third might someday become the First in another clan. Shan: But is it not possible that mages could still become abominations? Padraig: It does happen sometimes. In that case, it's the clan's responsibility to hunt them down and... Padraig: Well. Put them out of their misery. Shan: Would it not be more efficient to put a system into place that would prevent such occurrences to begin with? Padraig: Lethallin, the templars don't stop shit. Mages in the Circle get possessed all the time. At a higher rate than ours do, from what I hear. Padraig: All templars and the Chantry do is teach mages to fear themselves, and fear draws demons in.

Shireen: 'Herald of Andraste.' Padraig: (retching noises) Shireen: (laughs) Is that our official position? Padraig: Let me have this, please. Shireen: You know, some of the People have a different opinion. They're calling you the Herald of Mythal. Padraig: I... don't know if that's really that much better. Shireen: Who do you think that was with you in the Fade? Padraig: I don't know, and I'm not interested in speculating.

Shireen: Do you even believe in the gods? Padraig: Do you? Shireen: Not really, but I'm not someone's First. How can you be the Keeper and lead a clan in worshiping gods you don't even believe in? Padraig: Doubt serves an important function. Being completely steadfast in your convictions is what makes fanatics and zealots. Cultivating skepticism is the healthiest thing for any spiritual leader. Shireen: I suppose... or it could just make people confused. Faith gives people's lives meaning. Doesn't it? Padraig: It can. But they can arrive there on their own. I'm not interested in prosletyzing to anyone. That's the Chantry's job.

Shireen: All right, I'll take one for the team here. I've seen him with his pants off. How does it even fit? Padraig: I just open a tiny little rift in my butt. Shireen: (horrified laughter)

Katerina: Why the switch to the sword, anyway? Padraig: I really hate just standing back there while the rest of you do all the work and take all the risks. I don't want to just send people out to die for me while I hang back where it's safe, you know? Padraig: Especially with this Herald business. I don't want people dying for me. Katerina: Hmm... I see what you mean, actually. Padraig: And... I guess I just found it a little romantic... all those tales of old elven knights. Katerina: The Chantry paints them as  butchers, don't they? Padraig: Friend, I could fill a tome with all the lies the Chantry's told about my people. Katerina: Maybe you should. I'd read it.

Katerina: I was serious, you know. Padraig: You'll have to be more specific, I can't tell if half the conversations I have were jokes. Katerina: I mean about learning the history of your people. I really do want to know. Padraig: That's... surprising. If you're serious, I could give you the summary. Katerina: Please do. I want to learn.

Katerina: Did you always know you preferred men? Padraig: I mean... I suppose I did, but I didn't want to admit it for a long time. If that makes sense. Katerina: Do the Dalish have a problem with that sort of thing? Padraig: Normally, not really. What you do is your business. But... having babies is important to us. Padraig: And I'm a mage. Our clan was desperate for mages. It felt selfish of me to refuse to pass that down. Katerina: Funny, humans are the opposite. If you're a mage and have babies, everyone thinks you're the selfish one. Padraig: Yes, I've noticed.

[lunaschild2016]

Worth Fighting For Chapter 26 - That Which Does Not Kill Ya

Rating: M (violence, smut, language, references to abuse and violence)

Romance/Tragedy

He was ruthless, cunning and completely committed to protecting his city but her arrival to Dauntless called everything he ever thought he believed into question. Duty and following orders were no longer enough. They both found more than they ever thought possible. They both found something worth fighting for. Eric/OC AU M Tragedy/Romance

@kenzieam@ericdauntless@jojuarez26@jaihardy@iammarylastar@captstefanbrandt@badassbaker@readsalot73@fuckthatfeeling@dani5102@beltz2016@beautifulramblingbrains@affabletimelady@irasancti@meganbee15@meganbee15@lauraaan182@gylisaa@scorpio2009@bookgirlthings@pathybo@violetsonthelam XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Chapter 26 - That Which Doesn’t Kill Ya Eric

I was watching her unravel, crumble right in front of me and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. I couldn’t reach her, through the tears and the blank eyes.

“What the fuck, Zach?” I leaned closer and hissed it out to him.

My friend was horrified right now and I am fucking glad for it. How could he just spit that shit out there? I knew the instant Kat had told us that story that she carried the weight of every fucked up thing that happened that day and all the days after. That she blamed all the bad that happened in the city on herself.

There had been no way I was going to tell her anything to do with my own anger about the decision to pull Dauntless from the factionless, at least not until I had been able to get her to see it wasn’t her damn fault. I had even discussed this with both Chase and Zach, that we wouldn’t share our stories until we could get her to see this.

“I wasn’t going to, Eric. We were just talking and she had asked….” He trailed off and ran a hand through his hair.

“I don’t care what the fuck started it, you knew how she felt about this shit.” I growl out, my body tensing and I was seconds from attacking my own friend.

“It wasn’t his fault, Eric.” Kat spoke finally. Her voice soft but flat and it had us both looking at her with wide eyes.

The tears were gone. The blank look was gone too, now it was replaced with a fire that sent chills through me. It was fierce, angry and...destructive.

“None of it is his fault. We all know where the blame is and I can’t change that can I? I can’t change the past.” She stops but moves her eyes to me. “I can change what happens now though.”

She begins to stand and her chin raises. “I believe I have training this morning. If you are still willing…”

I had stood along with her as well as Zach, he had started forward to her but I had put a hand out to stop him and gave him a look. Clearly telling him I had it from here. His lips thinned and he looked like he was going to argue but then he nodded and looked to Kat one more time.

“I expect you at breakfast this morning, princess.” He got out and turned, missing the flinch Kat gave at my friend's nickname for her. He missed the look of grief and hurt.

For a second she lost a little of that steel resolve she had. For a second her eyes looked like they were going to fill with tears again. Then she shook her head and looked to me and it went away but I knew it was still there lurking.

I didn’t want to train her in this state. I wanted to pull her in my arms, hold her and talk to her. That was all I could think about at this moment. Maybe that showed because her nose crinkled up and her eyes did tear up a little.

“Please Eric? I….I need this. I need….I need to make sure I keep my promise.” She whispered in a plea to me.

My lips thinned as I fought myself. The oh so fucking rare and new soft side that only she seemed to inspire was fading and the hard part of me that wanted to beat a lesson into her was coming forward.

Yeah, she needs this but so the fuck do I. I need to make sure she never does any of that again. That I don’t lose her to carelessness or her losing focus.

Again, she must have figured this out. Maybe by the tightening in every aspect of my body, my expression and the coldness in my eyes. Even with all of that she gives me a small smile.

“I wouldn’t be smiling just yet, kitten. You might not be able to walk out of this fucking room when I am done with you.” 

It should have come out much harder and with the cold fury I felt coming into the room this morning. It should have but it didn’t. It came out as a purred promise that caused her to shiver even with how messed up we both are right now in our emotions.

Desire, anger, worry and a clawing hurt at seeing how broken she is but hides so well, all mingles together.

“Laps first until I say stop. Then we move straight into combat.” I bark out and pull her with me to the area where laps are run. I am needing the physical activity just as much if not more than ever before with everything colliding inside of me.

She winces from the pain and hangover but doesn’t say a fucking thing about it or hesitate. A burning pride at that is added to the plethora of everything else I am feeling. As it does, I have a thought that if this is how everyone else feels, it is a wonder anyone survives under the weight of all these damn conflicting emotions.

I also know I wouldn’t trade it all. Not a fucked up one of them.

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I was hoping during the run that my anger would cool down some. So I could go into the next part with a more level head, with knowing what I was going to do to here, one of us would need it.

Maybe I would have been able to if I didn't keep getting flashbacks to last night and what happened with her or constantly get reminded of what she had done by her white complexion and wincing gestures. The flashbacks were the main driving force of my anger though.

Initiates weren't forbidden from drinking, it wasn't against the rules so much as heavily frowned upon. We came down hard on any that we caught drinking during the physical portion of training but gave more slack during the second stage. Dauntless born were all aware of this so we didn't have as many instances where punishment was doled out to one of them. If they drank during the first stage, and we all knew they did, they kept it contained and out of sight.

Transfers on the other hand were the worst to deal with. Very few factions were much of heavy drinkers or even allowed drinking. That resulted in most of those dependents coming over and imbibing then doing stupid shit. Sometimes it resulted in injuries, a few times death. There were even a few cases of unreported assault on female initiates that drank to much and were taken advantage of. Those girls, the ones that made it out of it mostly intact, ended up washing themselves out rather than stay and be faced with the men that caused them the pain. We knew about them because they ended up in the clinic but would never put in a formal report or claimed they couldn’t identify the attacker.

We knew it happened, tried to stop it, but if the girls didn’t report them we couldn’t fucking touch them.

A wicked grin crosses my face at a thought. Legally and officially, they couldn’t be touched. But there were a lot of dark corridors and I didn’t carry knives on me for no fucking reason.

That she could have been one of those girls...one of the ones that I got to watch fade into nothing, toss themselves into the Chasm or walk out of the doors of the gate, had me seeing red then. It had me seeing red again during the run.

“Sprint” I barked out the command and picked up my own run, needing to release this. I was trying so damn hard not to take it out on her but I was losing that battle.

I hadn’t been able to do a fucking thing when she showed up in the Pit drunk. While she wasn’t stumbling or sloppy, she was out of it and I knew she wasn’t going to remember a damn thing she was doing in the morning.

All I could do was watch her from across the Pit. Watch as she confronted Peter Hayes and started to apologize to him but then went off on a tangent that had me holding back my growls. I hadn’t managed to hide my anger one bit even though I should have considering I was with the other leaders. They hadn’t failed to notice but thank fuck they had misinterpreted it.

Flashback

I knew the minute Chase told me she had run off with Lynn that something was on the horizon and it wouldn’t be good. You only had to listen to her stories, her friends stories about her, to know that Kat had a wild side. I knew and felt it from the moment I laid eyes on her, how she burned with life.

I also knew that the almost two weeks she had been in Dauntless so far we hadn’t seen that yet. It was coming.

Standing with Max, Raze, Chase and Zach in the Pit, brooding over how I am stuck and can’t go hunt her down like I want too, I swear I fucking feel her before I ever catch sight of her.

She breezes in, hair down and drifting in the wake of her rushing forward, like she is on a mission. I know the instant I see the flush on her cheeks and the glaze in her eyes. Chase gives me a look and he knows too.

My first instinct is to immediately go up to her and drag her away from the Pit. I could do it on the pretense that she is obviously drunk. Not out of the ordinary for me. The only thing stopping me is I don’t know what she would do or say when drunk. I barely restrain myself sober and she has been responding to me like she wants more. I just know if she goes for it while drunk I don’t know that I could stop myself from responding and not blow things to hell in the process.

So I have to stand here, watching her laugh and work her way to her friends. Watching them all laugh and joke together. Listen to Max and the others talk while I want nothing more than to go over. To toss her over my knee and beat her ass for drinking, for drinking while hurt and just because she is driving me fucking nuts right now.

A smirk crosses my face at that image, her bent over my knees. But then all that goes out the window and rage blinds me when I hear Kat talking, and rather loudly, to none other than Peter Hayes.

“Oi, Hayes. I have words for you.” Her hand is on her hip as she stomps up to where Peter had been standing not terribly far from our group.

Peter looked around for a second, wide eyes and looking trapped as she manages to loom in front of him with all of her five foot six inches in height. Lynn is behind her, a smug and drunken smile on her lips.

“No you don’t, stiff.” Peter finally manages to get out and in a cold sneer.

“I do so and don’t be a dick.” Then Kat stops and blinks, a smile creeping across her face. “I mean...I am sorry about your dick.”

The laughing and tittering starts around but I am anything but amused.

“Actually, I mean I am not sorry, sorry. You were being a vindictive asshole and I am glad my sister used your dick to teach you a lesson. But I am sort of sorry if that lesson was because of me. It was uncalled for...what I said. I’m a bitch.” She gets this all out and hiccups a little but doesn’t give Peter a chance to say anything back.

Not that he was going to. I couldn’t tell if he wanted to punch her or run away from her, the way he was looking right now. Maybe he couldn’t decide either.

“How is your dick right now? I mean...does it hurt? No wait…” She holds up a hand and grins wickedly. “I wanna know if it hurt when you got it done. How did that work by the way?”

“Are you really sitting here asking me about my fucking dick, stiff?” Peter asked incredulously and annoyed.

I am hoping by all that is holy one of her fucking friends stops her. But they are just stunned and laughing.

“Yeah...I am MOUTH. But don’t be getting any funny ideas. I am interested in your dick in a more clinical aspect. Why did you get the piercing? Does it work? What is it supposed to do..you know sexually? What did it feel like when you got a needle jabbed through your…”

“Hey! Enough with that particular imagery. I don’t need to be walking around imagining Peter’s dick for the rest of the night.” Uri finally stepped in but only after wincing and grabbing his crotch when Kat had started to launch into her imaging of what the piercing process was like.

My blood was boiling and all I could see was red.

“We need her alive, Eric. Remember we just watch and make sure if she is or isn’t what we are looking for.” Max had said, taking my looks to Kat and Peter across the way as me wanting to toss her over the Chasm or something like that.

Yeah while I am foaming at the mouth about her behavior, I am more thinking that I won’t keep to my word not to gut Hayes like a fucking fish. That I would just go ahead and end him like I had threatened to do.

I needed to say something though so I gave him an evil smirk and told him the truth. “Oh, she’ll live. She’ll only wish she were dead by the time I’m done with her morning punishment.”

He smirked back at me, used to my ways of teaching lessons. This wasn’t out of the ordinary for me and I thanked everything holy that was the case. I wasn’t lying either about making her wish she were dead. I had already decided on a course of action to break her from losing her shit during fights or when she was doing anything serious. It wasn’t going to be pretty before then but after this it was going to be worse.

End flashback

It took everything in me not to storm across the Pit and pull her with me to my apartment when I heard her talking about Peter’s dick for about the tenth time in ten minutes. The only thing that stopped me from doing just that was that Peter must have gotten wind of how I was feeling and got out of there fast.

It hadn’t made things much better because her behavior had attracted attention of a few Dauntless members. Suddenly her and Lynn were being brought into those groups and before I knew it they were whisked off to have a knife throwing contest.

The only real….good...part of that night, was watching her with those knives. Sexiest fucking thing I have ever seen and I have seen some shit in my time here in Dauntless. How she had the coordination and presence of mind even being so stoned out of her gourd was beyond me. It made me harder than I had ever been in my life and that just pissed me off more.

It pissed me off because I had done something I promised I wouldn’t do with anyone else but Kat now that I decided I wanted her. I don’t even remember the chicks name or much about her other than she had blonde hair that sort of reminded me of Kat and was convenient. The fact that she let me take her in a hallway disgusted the shit out of me but the fact that I had done it at all disgusted me more.

When I notice that Kat is looking seconds away from collapsing at the sprint I hadn’t released yet, I call to slow it down. Cursing myself I bring us down to a slow walk and toss her water after we finish our cool down lap.

As I am gulping down my own water I look her over. She is a mess; her eyes red from her crying earlier. Her skin is paler than her normal peaches and cream complexion she normally has. Her face is still covered on one side with bruises but thanks to the meds we slipped her those are fading faster than normal. She is a mess, but I have never felt that anyone could ever be as beautiful as she is to me right now.

She finishes her water and takes a few deep breaths before looking to me, back straight and chin raised. Silently telling me and challenging me to bring it on.

That wicked grin I have slithers across my face and gets wider as her eyes widen slightly but she still shivered visibly. Whether in apprehension or desire I am not sure but it doesn’t lessen my anticipation right now. I am going to enjoy the fuck out of making sure she learns how to take care of herself from now on.

“Let’s get started, kitten. Shoes off and in the ring.” I purr out in my deadly soft voice as I walk past her and towards the ring.

[lunar-root]

“I don’t know how I expected a rape victim to act, but I didn’t expect her to be so funny. Or to be punk, in this kinda sexy bleached blonde but kind of too lazy to really care sort of way. Or to be so up front.

“I may be a lesbian because of what happened to me, I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter at this point.”

I guess, maybe in some way, I didn’t expect her to be so over it. Part of me, unconsciously, believed people who had been raped were irrecoverably broken, and she wasn’t. I had an ex boyfriend who said he thought rapists should be subjected to capital punishment, which I suppose is a more extreme articulation of that unconscious belief. Once a woman has been raped, she has been destroyed.

People aren’t destroyed through being raped though. They suffer immensely, but they are just as much themselves after the rape as before.

Another rape victim I dated was a butch woman who had just adopted a kitten that completely befuddled her. When I went back to her apartment, the kitten was everywhere attacking everything.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I’ve historically been more of a dog person.”

She was pretty open about her anger towards men, and her sexual orientation was difficult to quantify because her attractions included “any gender that’s not cis male.” Can’t say I blamed her. But, despite her anger, she was completely and fully her. Even if she drank too much, and even if she hated men, her fundamental essence was untouched.

How I think of women who have been raped contrasts greatly with how I think of men who have experienced non sexual violence. One of my male friends was standing outside a club when he was hit from behind. He fell down, and two guys came up and kicked the shit out of him before running away.

I think that event changed him in some ways. We used to do jiu jitsu together, but he had a particular drive that I think was borne of that experience. He’s very good, I think he teaches it now. Yet, when men get beat up, I don’t ever entertain the impression that some part of them may have been destroyed. (I actually think there may be an opposite problem, namely men not getting emotional support because we don’t take their trauma seriously. I’ll have to write about that later.) If a man’s behavior changes after an attack, we don’t use this as evidence to support an unconscious belief that he is broken. If you told someone that a man had learned jiu jitsu after being attacked, I think the vibe would be “well, that’s pretty reasonable.” If a bisexual woman decided to date only women after being raped, the vibe would be “oh, she’s broken.”

This belief in the “brokenness” of those have experienced sexual trauma is highly damaging. None of us want to be broken. I don’t want to be broken. And, at least for me personally, this belief in the uniquely destructive power of sexual trauma prevented me from honestly confronting some of my more difficult sexual experiences.

A few years ago, I was out getting drunk with a bunch of male friends, and one of them offered to let me crash at his place. He was someone I trusted, someone I’d been friends with for years. When we got back to his place, suddenly he was all over me, and he’d managed to get his fingers into my vagina before I was able to physically restrain him. I remember confusion, and then shock at realizing his fingers were inside of me. And, I remember how he wilted when I stopped him. He shrank with shame, and I felt so guilty. I spent the night, but I couldn’t sleep, and slipped out at 6am after giving him a kiss on the head.

Then, I brushed it off. I had years of therapy after that, and never brought it up because I didn’t think it was significant. Yet, there were a few differences. I didn’t like being touched anymore. I stopped dating men, and then stopped dating anyone. I lost all sexual desire, and have been single now for about a year and a half.

I also started meditating. “Crying” has been a big part of my meditation practice. Just, nameless, faceless crying with no discernible reason. I sat a meditation retreat for 7 days, and the first 5 days were spent crying. I was completely exhausted, and in discussions with my teacher I basically said “I can’t keep doing this” and she basically said “keep trying.” Then, sometime around the fifth day, I stopped crying. I had expected some sort of catharsis, or release, or knowledge or something, but it wasn’t like that. I just stopped. And, after that I felt better. Not totally better, not like, I don’t still cry sometimes. It was just like — this nameless sadness that seemed to have no bottom ran out, and where it had been there was nothing.

Shortly after my retreat, I was reading a Savage Love where a woman talked about a male friend of hers trying to finger her when he was drunk. Dan Savage told her she’d been the victim of sexual assault or attempted sexual assault. And, when I read that, I was like “how can she have been sexually assaulted? That’s exactly like what happened to me, but I wasn’t…” So, I looked up sexual assault. Apparently if someone touches your vagina against your will, that’s sexual assault.

I pondered over that. I read about what happened emotionally to people who had been sexually assaulted, and a lot of it fit with my experience. The blocking it out. The justifying. The guilt, the aversion to touch, and hyposexual desire. They were all common responses from people who had been sexually assaulted. And, when I read about that, I felt relief. These mysterious things that I had been feeling had a source. I also think that I was so lucky to have gone on those dates with those women, because I already had a deep understanding that people who have experienced sexual violence aren’t any less awesome or less complete than those who haven’t experienced it. Without that understanding, I think admitting to yourself that you have experienced sexual violence is harder, because you also have to think of yourself as “broken.”

I continued to wonder about why I had been so dismissive about how painful I found that experience, and at the heart of it was “it was just a more extreme version of how I always feel with men.” I came out as bisexual when I was around 12 years old (or “was outed” I should say) and ever since then, I have faced a lot of unwanted sexual attention. People accused me of just being bisexual “for attention” despite my own lack of agency around coming out, and despite the fact that they were the ones giving me all the attention. Boys asked me to kiss other girls, and initially I complied. I was 12. I didn’t know better. When I got to high school, I was regularly asked for threesomes before ever losing my virginity. Boys would sometimes grope my breasts, or put their hands up my skirt, or make loud public comments about my body.

Eventually, I learned to fight back. I remember one time, after being called flat chested, shouting back at the guy “we can’t all have tits as big as yours!” and watching him flush deeply. Additionally, I was on the wrestling team with a bunch of guys who respected me for my wholehearted commitment to the sport, and I think that helped. Having a bunch of big, jock friends made people less inclined to fuck with me. Still, between the ages of about 12–14, I had been bombarded with so much sexual harassment that I had normalized the feeling of it. I knew I didn’t like it, but it didn’t feel strange. It felt familiar.

In retrospect, I think I may have had an especially bad run because I am a bisexual woman. Bisexual women experience a disproportionately high amount of sexual violence compared to straight and lesbian women, and that innately makes sense to me. I was repeatedly singled out for sexual attention because I was bisexual and, as the only out bisexual woman in the grade, I was a single target for the many boys who were fascinated by female bisexuality.

Anyway, I had already normalized the sensation of sexually directed harassment before I was even a teenager. It’s very particular sensation, but hard to describe —for me, it’s almost like nausea mixed with sadness and shock. I cried the first few times I felt it, but it soon became so common that I started numbing myself to it. By the time I was in high school, I was already fairly numb.

So, when I started dating men for real, I was already primed to not complain when I felt this feeling. Sometimes, however, it was so bad it broke through my numbness. When I young, one of my early boyfriends pressured me for sex. We were lying in bed, and he kept asking over and over again. I can’t remember if I explicitly said yes, or if at some point I just stopped saying no, but he ended up mounting my un-responsive corpse and pounding me until he came.

“How was it?” he asked me.

“It hurt,” I said. Then, he became really sad.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he kept saying over and over. I said nothing, and just lay there, but resolved never to say yes when I didn’t want sex again. It was a horrible feeling, probably one of the most horrible things I’d ever felt at the time. I think something in me closed that day, and I could never be really open with him again.

The thing was, despite whatever lie he told me or told himself, he knew I didn’t want to have sex with him. He knew I didn’t usually lie there like a dead fish. He could tell when I was wincing in pain. When I told him I had been in pain afterwards, he showed no surprise. I had only articulated what he already knew but was pretending he didn’t. Yet, for a man to seek his own sexual gratification from my body while knowing, but not caring, that it was causing me pain seemed so normal by that point that it didn’t seem like a big deal. There’s a word for what happened to me that day (sexual coercion) which was useful for me to discover.

But, what was more useful was actually another Dan Savage letter (I totally ❤ you, Dan!) It was a letter from a guy blaming his girlfriend from backing out of an orgy after she had said she was ok, but was giving clear signs that she wasn’t.

Your girlfriend wasn’t okay that night, CIC, and you knew it. She was telling you what you wanted to hear, CIC, and you knew it. You should’ve called the whole thing off, CIC, and you know it.

The idea that, if someone knew I didn’t want to do something sexual that they shouldn’t do it, was completely alien to me, and yet made total sense. Would I continue with an activity if my partner clearly didn’t want me to?…”