#i wish i could go more cartoony so i didnt need to do so much but i Know things beinf detailed n realistically proportioned is more my style

[ducktollers]

if im bein real i am so deeply frustrated with my art every single thing i draw looks and feels wrong everythings worse than i envision it feels like i cant seriously improve anymore i cant decide on a style i like doing i cant find a brush that does what i want i have no creativity or self expression i only feel remotely skilled when im using an exact reference and even if im satisfied with a finished product its still not good enough and feels like i will never be good enough to be successful and why is instagram full of teenagers that are better than me and how fucking good would i be now if high school me didnt slow down drawing and university me didnt almost completely stop drawing. so anyways

[chronicallywasting]

Minor spoiler warning for things im working on below the cut!!

[Long post]

So lets start of with the story. At first it was gonna be how an enderman and an axolotl hybrid would interact. Sort of inspired by @ nachosforfree's one oc poat with a piglin and an enderman (i dont wanna tag lol).

The character Aether (who i named myself after) was originally from a different story, which one of my first artworks on here is from.

Ester was an entirely new character at the time, meant to be the companion of Aether, who already had an existing personality and backstory.

AETHERS DEVELOPMENT

Aether's original design was sort of meant to be an avatar for a fnaf fan comic i was working on. The avatar was just for authors notes and qnas and was in a much more cartoony style.

After I dropped that, I took that character (who was named Auden at the time) and turned it into Aether. (Fun fact: Aether originally used she/her pronouns, which is present in theur backstory) You can still see the original character at GoldSad-OnO on deviantart, my abandoned account.

At this point I had tuned Aether into a phantom. They sported my black and white hoodie, some oversized jeans, and a fnaf puppet mask (which I still plan on using for certain things) no skin or hair was shown.

After I got into dsmp, I wanted to turn them into a dsmp-sona. They were introduced as an axolotl hybrid then. I also wanted to have them have did (or another related personality disorder) obviously planning on doing plenty of research as to not misrepresent people with said disorder.

It was then theyre original backstory was created.

They were from a wealthy family underwater, and was an only child. Theyre father left when they were 6 and their mother was killed at a party 2 years later.

Aether was originally around 14, but after some development, was aged up to be an adult.

(Around this time I also used the same character, minus the system, as a character in a vent world i created)

After a while, I dropped the system aspect of them, and developed their character even more.

They were no longer a dsmp sona as well. I gave them the story before I created Ester after that development.

The story was about Aether and an unnamed character (i forgot the name) a deer hybrid who fell in love and wished for immortality but didnt get what they wanted.

They were cursed, one of them gaining immortality and the other being reincarnated with any and all past memories integrated into their minds untul they found each other, where they would switch roles and the process would start over again. This would happen until they fell out of love and moved on.

When the 1.17 update came out, I had created Ester to go along with Aether, dropping the previous story.

Aether was given theyre original backstory back, mixed in with themes of reincarnation.

Theyre backstory looked a little like this at this point:

Aether was raised as the princess of atlantis, an underwater city full of merlings and fullbreds (Ill explain those terms later) with their sisters, Adrian and Savannah. They lived a fairly normal life, as normal as it can be with an absent father.

Around the age of 14, their mother was killed at a banquet held for the people. They and their sisters escaped unharmed. They started gaining memories that werent theirs, learning they had lived hundreds of times before.

The beginning, before this reincarntaion process, was the first monster-human hybrid, a phantom hybrid. The hybrid was alone and asked a witch to give them friends, and so the witch became a friend.

The hybrid found some other nocturnal hybrids that they she made friends with, leaving the witch behind. The witch felt betrayed and cursed an eternal life spell- with a twist.

Now, Aether raises theyre younger siblings, and met Ester in the nether, where they were getting attacked by a piglin.

As of currently, ive scrapped that (or the most part) and Aether had become the god of the sky for my current project :)

ESTERS DEVELOPMENT

Ester is a fairly recent character. He's stayed the same for the most part- in terms of both character design an personality. He's kinder, and dislikes a newer character, Teleb (king of the end)

His character formerly was a bit flirty, and had liked Aether as more than just a friend.

He's the former general of the Ender royal guard and close friend of the queen of the end.

I havent done much for his character, and dont plan on doing so in the future. He will still be a character, but will be played by someone else ;)

TELEBS DEVELOPMENT

Teleb is more recent than Ester, created as a way to create conflict in the plot.

He was manipulative and had cheated on his wife, the queen, more than once. He wanted total control and hadnt cared for his child at all, only wanting a powerful heir. Overall, he was a horrible character, and meant to be so. He wasnt meant to gain any sympathy points from anyone, as he had no redeeming qualties.

The only major design change was his eyes going from purple to green.

Now, (hopefully) his character will be having more redeeming qualities, and maaaybe have some pining over mx. sky god over there

PAST STORY AND ITS LORE

The past story, going fro RE:➡Silent since June➡current form was a story with the main characters being Aether and Ester. Esters goal was to find the missing prince and Aethers was to find a home for them and their siblings.

It had many different species in its lore, including merlings (aquatic hybrids), quadrupedians (four-legged mammal hybrids), avians (flightless bird hybrids), elytrians (hybrids with wings that can fly), enderians (hybrids of end creatures), insectoids (hybrids with insects and arachnids), netherspawn (hybrids of nether creatures), mobspawn (monster hybrids), shifters (hybrids that can shift from an animal to hybrid to other animal/human/mob), and fullbreds (non-hybrids).

Different hybrids had their own civilzations and sub species. Shifters could only shift from one speices to another and had sub groups (ie. Dolphin shifter, Hoglin Shifter, Spider Shifter, etc.)

INTRODUCTION OF THE NEWEST VERSION OF THE STORY

This story has been revised, now taking the for of an smp :) it will be called the Passivesmp and will have multiple elements of the past story integrated into it. Hopefully, itll use the origins mod for extra detail and will be story-based.

There are some pre-existing characters that will need to be played, me taking on two of them: Passive and Aether.

The other pre-existing characters that need played are Teleb and Ester. Some extra roles are "the queen" and "the prince".

There wont be any applications of sort as i will ask friends i know if they wanna join. Instead of streaming it, it will be posted on my youtube channel which currently has no videos on it.

I wont tell any parts of the story ideas I have, as i want that to be a surprise. I hope to see you then!

[tumblunni]

Some other neat people i met on my wild search for a shop that sold pokemon!

A bunch of like thirty super patriotic Welsh muslims all decked out in football gear and holding a massive "48" balloon celebrating some sort of football anniversary i know nothing about cos I Suck At Sports. I just found it a nice experience cos i always hate bullshit "patriotic" people who think that being patriitic means hating other races and religions, and that a muslim can't have been born in wales or that someone who immigrated here cant possibly be an equally good citizen and love the country as much as you do. I'd damm say that this bunch loves the country more than you do,cos i am 100% SURE they don't actually sell hijabs, burqas and other traditional religious wear in football team colours and the full welsh flag! Seriously holy hell it must have taken so much work to customize all those outfits, they looked SO AMAZING! Also while i'm at it, fuck anyone who says women are somehow lesser football fans. Seriously there was a middle aged lady in an entire flag burqa and a scarf on top of that! (Actually maybe the 48 balloon was for her birthday?)

Nice hedgehog forest man! A dude informing people about saving the forests, and how to donate to the Woodland Trust in order to do so. He had a little plushie hedgehog and a cowboy hat?? And oddly enough he looked EXACTLY like the colourscheme for the american portagonist option in the new pokemon game. Like i was all "wow that's kind of a cartoony blonde, it looks like their hair is painted on" and then there's this dude who actually had such a bright bleached blonde and also THE BRIGHTEST blue eyes i have ever fuckin seen. Real huge anime ones too! Like man i'm asexual but i can still admire when a guy looks like a catwalk model even if i dont wanna bang him, lol. Oddly beautacious forest man, i hope you have luck in your forestly adventures! He was really like Kukui, he was a nice dadly figure of steange modelness and he was just so excited and passionate telling me about all this science research into trees and animals. There's been a 90% decrease in british hedgehog populations ij the last decade! And one of their recent projects is actually cuttibg down trees, because the famous 'bluebell forest' is actually losing its flowers due to invasive species of non-local trees sprouting in the area because of careless farming nearby. So their job is to take down all those trees and make sure to find all the roots and seeds so they dont come back, then replant more flowers and different saplings that work more in harmony with the flowers without growing too big too fast. Its really fascinating, i didnt know situations like that even happened! It was a really nice chat and im passionate to try and donate to this charity someday when my finances are more secure.

The cardiff christmas market!! It gets earlier and earlier each year!! Man i hope all the same shops are still here next month when i acrually have the money for it. Its like a big local crafts celebration, the sort of thing thay was common in the old days before we got stuck only selling stuff on etsy lol. Loads of amazing hand knitted/woven/drawn/carved/potteried/blacksmithed/whatever the verb is for making cool shit out of glass on a big furnace pipe thingie in the actual store while everyone watches and applauds. And all the store owners seemed SO NICE and answered my questions about their cool craftingness and im so excited to come back and buy all the stuff i liked if its still here next time. Or to discover even more new stuff if it isnt!

The nice people at the bank who helped me out when i realized i left my card at home and itd be a three hour bus journey to go back and get it and by then all the potential pokemonnery shops would be shut. I had NO IDEA that ypu could do bluetooth phone connection stuff with the app in any barclays store and withdraw money without a card! Holy shit technology just keeps creepin up on me lol! Its a shame tho that you can only withdraw in multiples of ten so it was a little awkward getting the exact change necessary for the pokemons. Thats why i went to the dumb lil restaurant afterwards, tho it probably would have been smarter to go to a supermarket and buy like three cheaper more bland meals instead of one restauranty one. But it was fun! And groceries arent a huge issue right now cos i have that pasta sauce stocked up and some bread and milk and stuff.

Oh and a poor security guard who was having a really tough day! I was in the library up on the top floor and i looked down the stairs to see the guard on the bottom floor all curled up in one of the kids's reading chairs, asleep! Poor dude yo, i hope he's feeling better now. I talked to the other guard who was sitting with him and asked if he was okay, and yeah he was just having a damn long shift and needed to catch some rest while he had the chance. Couldbt even actually sleep tho, he was just resting his eyes and having his buddy watch out in case the boss yelled at him. Seriously i wish i could freeze time and give you the proper sleeping schedule you need, dude!

[animmania]

Bendy and the ink machine sorta review.

bendy and the ink machine. alot of people have props been seeing its name going around lately and might not know what it is. sum up. its a horror indie game about a cartoon chacater coming alive though ink and you the player have to find out why everything thats happening is happening. thats the basic sum up.

i very much like this game alot and im really happy  to see it getting so much love. but alot of people dont like it and seem confused on why its getting so much praise . and i think thats an intersting point. one day it just showed up and got populaor. but why is that?? well i think its for a few reasons but ill get to them. ive been wanting to make this for a bit so im bascally going to cover as much about the game as i can. from story to game play. so lets start with a better look at the story. note the game is in chapters and i will be spoiling most things in the game so just a heads up to stop reading now if you dont want to be spoiled

CHAPTER 1 MOVIING PICTURES your name is henry a cartoonist who is coming back to his old animation studio after getting a letter from an old friend saying he wants to show you something you look around and find an ink machine. not knowing what it dos or what its for you of course decied you need to turn it on and see what it dos. after finding some iteams to "sacrafice to the gods". once you get them and turn on the machine the place starts to flood with ink and bendy appears. an old cartoon character that used to be famous. think mickey mouse and such. but someone trying to bring him to life made him into a inky black monster.. you run away and make it to the exist but you fall for the floor. after finding an axe you break some boards then reach a demonic circle and pass out after seeing some images.

CHAPTER 2 THE OLD SONG After passing out you wake up and and pick back up your axe. after some more wood chopping you find your way to the music department of the animation studio.here you find another exit but since the ink machine is going the exit is flooded and you cant get in. afetr some exploring and puzzle solving you eventually find out about sammy. the head of the music department and how the exit flooding was something that happened alot becuase of the ink machine. so they installed a ink pump in the exit that would get rid of the ink in the exit. you go to his office press the switch and as your about to leave your hit on the head and knocked out. turns out its good ol sammy. after being locked down there for so long and trapped by the ink machine he has gone mad. he wishs to be free and he thinks giving you as a saccrafice to bendy will do it. he ties you up and is about to sick bendy at you when suddenly bendy turns on him and off screen kills him. you get loose and grab your axe and start running until you run into the ol fool him self BENDY. he gives chase and you outrun him locking him the door. so now your safe but just as things get calm you hear a noise around a conor and behold. its boris another cartoon character that was made for bendy but he is more finished and not as monsterish looking as bendy thos in the game. then it cuts to black and it ends

and thats it for now. no other chapters are out.

now the story isnt anything ground breaking yes but its also not horrible. its a basic plot and it gets the job done. there are a few more characters i could have mentioned but they really dont matter all that much to whats going on. they are mainly for lore and to make it seem like this place used to be well run. ill let you guys find out about them if you decied to get the game your self

ok with the story done lets talk about the look of the game which i think is the best part about bendy and the ink machine.

given its about cartoons and such every thing has a very old cartoony look to them. from the walls to projectors every thing screams classic cartoons and its great they did a great job mixing the cartoony style  with 3d objects making it all seem natural. the lighting is also very good. using alot of yellows i noticed and using it to highlight things like doors or places that you might want to check out. the game also has a bunch of posters every were of bendy the main character and other cartoon characters. now there isnt alot of them so your most likly going to see alot of the same ones alot which isnt the best but it dos have a plus side ill get to later . the only thing id say is an issue with the look of everything is. stuff like the floors while do look good are pretty flat. most of the ground is made out of floor boards and it all looks flat. i think having some stick up from the ground slitghy would have been a bit better but its only a nit pick

but now what would a good looking game be without good looking characters to such as bendy. a small lil demon cartoon character. he was the face of the whole animation studio and boy it shows. his desgin is really simple yet really nice to look at and from an artist stand point very fun and easy to draw. he also has all the classic cartoon things. the big cloves. the dot eyes with the cut in them and  a bow tie. something else to note is he has no neck. not really sure why that is but its honestly nice. makes him stand out honestly which is good for a main character

the next character is boris. very goofy like being a doog person...thing. hes very cute and you see him from time to time in the game in full 3d. his model is very nice and he fits very well into the look of everything else.

finally we have the new cartoon character that was added in chapter 2 alice angle. her disney is meant to be a sorta oppiste of bendys i think. being an angle instead of a devil she has a slightly different look and is actually a human instead of a cartoon animal . her disgn seems very betty boob and minny mouse inspired. having some boob but still maintaining her cartoon look.with bendy arms and gloves and all. its worth to note she has a hole in her hand which i dont really understand but sure it looks nice

every other character in the game dosnt have a look besides from sammy. sammy being a person covered in ink wearing a bendy mask. there isnt alot to say about him other then i think he needs a bath.

now were onto game play. this is where i think most people start to spilt into the two groups of loving this game or hating the game. each with good points

the game is first person with the basic controls walk and look around. its worth to note that in chapter 2 they added a jump button and a sprint button. dont know why they didnt have them in chapter one but what ever. also on a short note the jump in this game dosnt really do much but it dosnt have alot of sound which makes it seem off. you dont need to jump so its not a big deal but its something that bothered me . you also have a attack button which is for swinging your axe at things in your way and enemys which is where issues start to come in. swinging the axe is fine but hitting things is another story. when ever i swing it i can never tell when im going to hit something. ive been right next to objects and swinging and it would not break and id have to start aiming at them in different angles till i found the hit box. i havent played chapter 2 but after watching a few people play it it seems the same goes for the enemys but not as much. now the enemys i think are the weakest part about the game so far. for 1 they arent really scary and dont really fit in with the world. they are just geniric looking sludge monsters  with no real features. and fighting them seems really unsatisfying. they go down with one hit and the sound effect sounds like your stepping in a puddle. also they arent really something you have to worry about. it takes like 12 of them to be able to kill you and even still as long as you dont run head first into them they will never kill you. but do be careful becuase if they do kill you you gotta start the chapter all over again . that is pretty bullshit.

then we have the other part of the game play which is looking for iteams and solving some puzzles. now alot of people hate these and i do understand. looking for iteams isnt that fun  but i dont think its all that bad. you get to look at all the details and find some secerts along the way. plus the areas you have to look in arent even that big so it wont take very long to find what you need.

now thats pretty much all the game play but theres another thing i want to talk about which is the music. now for as much as id love to say buy the soundtrack i really cant. besides from one track which i liked called *Hellfire Follies* all the songs seem like genirc horror music youd find anywhere. Hellfire Follies is the best mainly becuase its so different from the rest of the songs and also fits really well into the cartoon aesthic thats going on. the only other song id say is really good is the one that plays when your next to the projector playing a small animation of bendy in chapter 1. but its not in the soundtrack for some reason and i cant find its name any where.

so thats bendy and the ink machine. so what after all that is said and done those bendy desver to get all the praise it gets?? or is it just a over hyped game that isnt that good. me persnoally i really like. despite all its issues i still had fun playing chapter one and looking at all the detail and watching all the play thoughs of chapter 2 just made me love it more. if you came into the game with high expctaions thinking your going to shit your pants in fear your going to be dissapointed. a common issue ive seen come up with the game from people is that theres no real looming fear . no monster constally chaseing you or enemys that really make you scared. and those are fair complaints. but i think thats not all that bad of a thing. bendy and the ink machine is more of a game that wants you to get sucked into its world and wants to scare you with its tone and setting rather then with monsters or the fear of dying. i think the best way of looking at bendy and the ink machine is. dont think of it as a action horror game. but more as a puzzle horror game.

also despite it not being that scary its such a unique horror game. a game with such a cute cartoony style clearly taking insipation from old school disney. not alot of horror games like that out there which is way i think people like it so much. its just so nice and new. plus it not being that scary i think opens it up for alot of people.

its sorta like a lite horror game. something i think which could be a good start for people that want to get into horror games or horror genra as a whole but cant handle big things like lets say outlast or something.

but i think the best part about the game and what made me so in love with it is the commmuinty. the meatly the maker of the game trys so hard to be active in the community and dos so much for people who enjoy his game. even to the point in letting them chip in with art contest for the chance of getting thier art in the game with posters or so many things. and even reaching out to youtubers who have taken the time to write whole songs for the game and added them into the game as easters eggs which is just so cool. taking part in it is honestly is nice and seeing all the nice cool people in it makes it such a joy to be apart of . if i played the game and never even looked at fan art or all the community events id  honestly not be that intersted in this game and would have worte it off.

if you dont really care about that kinda stuff then it wont really matter and the game might not leave that much of an impact but for me it makes me want to get more into it because its just fun.

so thats my kinda review of bendy. hope i made some sense haha. and meatly if this some how finds your way. thanks for making such awesome games. keep up the work man

[autisticteru]

this is completely unprompted but i just feel like sharing my first impressions of mp100 cuz why not i made this blog to infodump i can do what i want. 

and honestly i read the whole thing about a year ago with very very little spoilers directly after watching the teaser for the anime so a lot of my reactions to the series were very raw and uninfluenced by anybody else’s opinion. i didnt even liveblog it i just read it. and im very glad that was how i read it and im just. reminiscing on that because im grateful that i did that back then.

mob

i first ever saw mob in some fanart that was tagged mob psycho 100 like. a good few years ago tbh. i figured it was some anime or manga i didnt get the time to read but mob first looked to me like he was a delinquent or something. the title and the way i thought abt the word “mob” in my head def had something to do with that, but also he was a straight faced boy who just seemed really seirous. i remember reading in an interview abt one punch man a bit over a year ago that ONE described saitama as stoic and mob as emotional. that. surprised the hell out of me and got me interested but i only read literally EXACTLY right after i saw the first teaser trailer for the anime

when i read the manga i fell in love with the boy right away. it didnt take me long at fucking all. he was great and wonderful and i loved him and i related to him big time and i wanted to see him grow more and more.

and my feelings are pretty much the same now except more complex. but im remembering the first time i got to the end of the world domination arc. i think that line “that’s why I will help you” really impacted me a lot for some reason. mob was, very special to me. he felt very much like me. i could relate to him a lot

reigen

i first saw reigen in some fanart but i thought he was some teenager at first because it was just some kinda cartoony fanart that wasnt very detailed. i guessed that he and mob were a duo or something like saitama and genos were from one punch but i did not guess that it was going to be a master-discible relationship

i hated reigen at first gonna be completely fuckin honest here i was a bit annoyed with him like yeah he was funny but he was also kind of rude??? and i didnt like that he was tricking mob because i loved mob 

by the end of the read he really did grow on me. but ive always been a bit hard on the poor guy, but thats just because hes an adult i suppose. even during the separation arc i have to admit.....i wasnt all that sympathetic toward him until the VERY VERY end. IF IM BEING ENTIRELY HONEST I WAS KIND OF GLAD BECAUSE I WAS GLAD THAT MOB REALIZED HE DIDNT NEED HIM AND THAT REIGEN REALIZED HE DID. also i felt he did deserve at least some of what he got from that arc, all things considered. dont get me wrong, i love him now but it did really take a while for me, probably longer than anyone else i know. now im love this greasman with my whole heart (but i still wish he would pay mob more. preoblematic fav for that reason only)

dimple

i knew that dimple was sort of the mascot character but i hoped he wouldnt be one of those annoying ones but i didnt think he would be since i had some faith in ONE’s writing abilities. he seemed like a ghost and i knew that mp100 had ghosts so yeah i thought it was cool to have a ghost character why not

lots of ppl were irritated by dimple at first but. ehhh i could never hate him. i only mildly disliked him before i realized he was That Guy. anyway i had been mostly neutral on dimple but by the mogami arc i actually really started loving dimple a lot because he saved mob a bunch of times and i support mob having friends i dont  care who they are i want this good boy to have friends

by the end i absolutely did love him i loved him and reigens interractions at that point but i didnt know if it was like. socially acceptable to ship him with reigen. i wouldnt have done it with sg dimple because i had no idea that was even a thing. i forgot abt that dumbass security guard he wasnt even a person in my mind honestly the first sg dimple fanart i came across i was so confused  i was like. who is this. who is this man dimples possessing. took me forever to realize it was that security guard who he possessed for probably less than an hour and that confused the hell out of me but then i realized. oh. u guys just want to make him hot. okay

ritsu

ritsu was probably the character i knew the most about, but i knew very little. i only saw him in opm/mp100 fanarts where they compared mob and ritsu to tatsumaki and fubuki, and i guessed that ritsu was the fubuki with the inferiority complex. and i was right but it wasnt it quite the same way. but overall he seemed interesting in that regard since i loved fubuki at the time so he was a character i was looking forward to.

ritsu was...it was love at first sight??? yeah. i loved ritsu so much right from the start i loved how he was introduced i loved his character arc i loved the whole way it was presented if the teru arc just before that hadn’t already hooked me then his arc sure as fuck did. 

the last line i ever saw ritsu utter when i finally caught up with the manga was the famous “hnn...the loans” line. perhaps one of the best lines of all time??? i loved ritsu and since i knew fuck abt shit wrt what was going to happen in the scar arc i was literally about to cry when it was revealed he might be dead god. i was SO STRESSED IN THAT WHOLE FUCKING ARC I DONT THINK I HAD EVER BEEN MORE STRESSED IN MY LIFE.

teru (oh boy)

i first saw teru in the first teaser. i think that was actually the thing that made me want to read it, mostly because the animation and movement in that scene just was so. good. and flowing. he seemed like a villain to me, or some sort of rival. but a harmless one. one that couldn’t fucking touch mob. it sort of reminded me of the thing w/ saitama vs sonic in opm. he seemed like an asshole, but for some reason in my heart when i saw him doing that shit there, i felt like i would like him. i had no basis for this. but i cant believe i was right

when i first saw teru in the manga i was gettin all excited because “hey this looks like the esper kid in the teaser!” and i was excited to see a new character like that introduced. i at least wanted to meet another esper. and teru seemed like the type of villain who would get his ass handed to him in the worst of ways and realize that mob was much much stronger than him and maybe hed even gain some respect for it and i fucking called it i cant believe it i called it in the first page i saw him i fuckign CALLED IT. and i was screaming throughout his whole arc. every second i found myself absolutely falling in love with him and. actually. unfortunately understanding exactly where he was coming from. and once mob went on the whole “you’re just like me” speech, that was probably the defining moment. 

but it didnt stop with that arc at ALL. every gotdam second he was on screen after that i was honestly thinking in my head “stop doing that ur gonna be my fav if u keep doing that!” but he kept doing that and wound up being my fav and i loved how much he believed and supported mob and i loved how different and yet how similar he was from the first time we see him and. i couldnt help myself hes my Type. i was destined to fall for him from the start

shou

I HAD NO PREVIOUS INTRODUCTION TO SHOU BEFORE I READ THE SERIES. HE WAS NOT ANYONE TO ME. HE WAS NOTHING. which was why so much of the claw stuff surprised me tbh. but yeah i had no idea who this kid was i had not been introduced to him

when i first saw shou i disliked him for beating up ritsu and capturing him and mob and i also disliked him for calling mob a coward and THEN i disliked him for burning down mobs house and possibly killing ritsu and his family in fact by that point i was seeing red i wanted that fuckr DEAD. but then it was revealed that everyone was safe but i was still a bit peeved that he did what he did to mob just to leave a “fuse” but i was also projecting a bit because shou almost gave me a fucking HEART ATTAKC and i was NOT GOING TO EASILY FORGIVE. i did forgive tho. eventually. after my poor heart calmed down and i saw him get beat up by his dad and his hubris 

at the end i shipped ritshou because obviously i shipped ritshou i mean how can u not i mean theyre just really good i shipped it 

so like yeah

[bittersot]

2019-06-01

Hello, my name is G̸̟̠̜͇̦̜͌̿͌͒̊͡͠h̖͈̬̫̲̆̋̈̇̌̂̕o͖͕̻̞̘̩͆̆̑̐̉̽͂̍̕ş̘̩̙̮̾̋͋̉́̌̉͘̚t̶̫̲͓̥̱̲̺͇̮͑̒̅̽̍̽̔̊̎, I am 18 years old, and I have ADHD.

When I was a child, I was a bit self centered, so to speak. It wasn't that I tried to be, I was just, a bit dense, very dense. I said what came to mind, I repeated what I heard others say without thinking much on the meaning, if it sounded nice and got stuck in my head, I'd use it, likely in the wrong way.

I was always quick to jump into conversations and share my experiences, not noticing if I cut someone off, but ai got pissed if someone interrupted me. Most people probably thought me annoying, but not everyone would say self-centered, because I didn't just talk about myself, I talked about EVERYTHING that excited me, and as a child, 99% of the world excited me. I knew tons about reptiles and dinosaurs, nature, animals and running around were some of the best things I knew. I was hungry for new information, I liked to do stuff physically, and I liked to read about different topics as well. I did it due to excitement however, and could rarely take a stance on topics, I only got mad if something inconvenienced me directly(notice that this includes something bad happening to my friends, because that meant we likely couldn't play as usually etc). I was not good with understanding people, I took things literally when most of my peers had moved further into "social skills", and I remember not knowing what a Bra was nor why I shouldn't take of my shirt when it was hot in the classroom. I don't know how they found out you shouldn't do that, but while I did get laughs and sighs directed at me, it didn't bother me, because that info didn't excite me. I was at the top of my grade, I got the most advanced books in literature, though since they had less pictures than in the others books, I didn't see it as a win. Taking in info en masse but without looking at it socially, I was marked as a bit of a weird kid, but people found me cool nonetheless. I prefered to hang out with boys, I enjoyed running around in the forest behind the school with sticks pretending we were agents or soldiers. I was friends with girls, for most of the time, however, some I lost contact with because I didn't "get" them. They weren't bad, a bit mean sometimes, but I just didn't get the fun in talking about fashion and "popular" things, perhaps because you needed to follow a certain trend, perhaps because we sat still a lot, but I wasn't drawn to them. I did have two other close girl friends, they were more into fantasy like me, but due to a certain cat related mishap, we split for a while, during which I went to hang out with the boys, and that stuck for a while.

I was also very, very, stubborn, to my own detriment. I would disagree over the most stupid things cause they didnt please me at the current moment, such as refusing to eat the meatloaf because it didn't look good, and getting the rest of my daycare class to do the same. It wasn't untul everyone was standing around waiting for naptime that the caretakers got me to take a bite, and I liked it, thought it tasted good. Don't know why I so passionately decided to shit on meatloaf on that day, but I got the rest of the class in on it, and stuck with it even when I was the only one left. During handball practice before a match with another group one time, I refused to shoot at the goal if it wasn't with "my ball", I think I remember thinking "Why am I doing this, why am I do stubborn?" In the middle of my protest, perhaps because my teammates were complaining about me loudly, but I didn't give up immediately, I couldn't.

I was also impulsive. God, so impulsive. I threw a stuffed animal at a teacher ones cause she was making a joke while dragging out the time until she'd give us results on a certain topic. I felt really embarrassed. The few seconds before it happened, I remember imagining it like a cartoony scene when everyone complained and things were thrown around in the background, so I launched away my plushie at her. I tended to hit and punch my friends as I grew older, in middle school I would jump some of my friends as a way of greeting them. I didnt think it through, it just felt right, I enjoyed the body contact and their complaints, somewhat, because they would still smile afterwards and hang out with me.

It was easy to make me cry. It didn't happen often, because I mostly thought about myself and other remarks didn't land unless I was engaged in a discussion of a topic of massive interest to me, or if something inconvenienced me. I lost a toy ones, a blue bakugan snake ball, and I cried. I cried and I cried and ALL the other girls in the class had to gather to comfort me as I lied on a couch unconsolable.

In high-school, it was the first time I was in a class where a majority of students were teens I didn't know previously. And these teens were not used to my antics. Whereas in my two previous schools, most kids were somewhat cool with me because "I had always been that way", in this new class, when I didn't stick to social rules or hit someone in a friendly manner(or so I thought) it was called out and focused on. Half because it was bad(and it was, I was impulsive and my hits likely hurt) but I feel like a few of them revelled in how weird I was, didn't try to bully me, but I remember hearing whispers behind my back, and the girls would laugh and treat me as a pet when I hung out with them.

I split during 7th grade. I don't remember exactly when, but the anxiety which had been planted somewhere around the end of middle school took root and thanks to RSD, it got a boost so bad it shut me down completely. I shut up, kept my hands to myself, my thoughts to myself, and my feelings to myself(what happened was not DiD, if DiD is like driving in a car and other personalities being able to take over the wheel, then what happend to me was that I previously always wore clothes for sunny days, and now after a terrible snowstorm put on winter clothes, and since they seemed to work, I refused to take them off, even subconciously). Old me did show up in the cracks of my new self when talking to the one friend I still had from my past, but due to reasons (which I have reason to believe was gaslighting, but then again we were kids, I think my RSD just made it worse, plus when she talked about me to others without asking me if she could (Young me found her to be way too loud and open about herself, no surprise considering what I was doing but I don't think she did anything bad)) I pushed her away through ignoring her more and more, in some way I thought I "set her free" to be with people as open and honest as herself, and we split paths when high school ended, not keeping up contact.

My new self, was very introspective, I had to be, everyone had focused on being able to define their identity for a while now, whereas I hadn't thought much of anything outside of the best thing in the moment. I looked inside myself, and found stress, fear, and emotional turmoil. I started to avoid classes and presentation where I was put on display for a lot of people, and taken to a therapist when my parents started to notice how I stayed home unusually often. This me became very good at observing and picking out faults in myself and others, not actual faults, but faults as society saw them. Despite my young self being dense, I wasn't immune to the information I picked up. I remember being told as a woman that I should focus on being hot and pleasant to men, and now when I didn't have my whims to take my focus off the subject, the misogyny around me caught up and that hurdle of imperfection sent me deeper into depression. Never wear your heart on your sleeve, I told myself, over and over, it was far too risky. I grew very depressed, having a hard time leaving bed most days, falling asleep as soon as I got home. I remember spending endless nights crying and crying. What kept me alive was Pokémon, Vocaloid, and the two friend groups I was blessed to have, while I fell out of touch with one due to getting to attached to a certain person and then realizing they thought of me as, something, I was left with the other group. Other group split, which didn't bother me because I was still with the person who motivated me the most, and she went into animation. I followed her, and thanks to her, I decided to go to an animation school. Rest is documented elsewhere, but after around my first year, I realized I didn't want to be an animator, but I am glad I took this route, because I am good with said subjects, and it felt like a chance to think what I truly want to do, and I have now decided I want to go into psychology. My troubles are far from over, my old self has broken free and is showing up more and more, not irl, I'm too afraid of that still, but I hope I can tame her, and be myself again, but with the experience and capabilities of thinking things through and enjoy reading the charades most people seem to put up.

What do I know? I quit sports(handball) in middle school cause the rest of the team were "normal" girls, neurotypical who liked to talk and joke about things those types of girls do(I hate that I can't express this any better), but I kept on dancing for a while, and I loved it, I still do. Dancing and working out till I can't move are some of the best ways to make me feel good, to get rid of that excess energy, especially dancing, but due to feeling that everyone was so much better than me, and my inability to leave the house on my own when I technically could just not move from my comfort zone, play more games and not go, I ended up quitting that as well. I wish to dance, workout, and do yoga again, preferably with someone, so the motivation is greater, if someone else is there, I can't just bail.

But, I'm 18 now, and due to reasons, I have been told I am not to trust, and I believe that, not because they are right, but because of what they have said, along with depression, my memory has started to deteriorate. I've always had a hard time remembering unless it is something I am extremely excited about, thus I have let a lot of people down when it comes to birthdays and arriving on time, so I wanted to write down what I can remember as of now, when I left my childhood barely a month ago. Everything will be gone soon, but I do believe that what I have written here isn't made up, this is who I am, and who I was.

Final note, I had an unspeakable amount of imaginary friends throughout my entire childhood, human, humanoid, animalistic and monsterous, Pokémon and other fantasy beings. I still have many imaginary friends, I wouldn't be able to keep together without them, thanks to them I developed the Superiority Complex which got me out of the deepest parts of my depression, and now they are helping me drop said complex. It is silly, but due to, everything, I can't trust anyone outside of myself. I still can't, but I wish to change that, I need to.