#Squishy’s brain blurb collection

[squishykitty825]

Robin!Dick: I truly believe water can solve all our problems.

Bruce: You think so, chum?

Dick: Mhm. Wanna lose weight? Drink water. Wanna have clear skin? Drink water. Tired of someone?

Dick pauses for dramatic effect.

Bruce, scrunching his brows in moderate confusion: How does drinking—

Dick with the most innocent smile on his face: Drown them

[thebucketpail]

A little blurb based on this thought that I had

When You Accidentally Kill a Clown pt. 1

Pt. 2 Ao3

This is not ideal. Danny thought deftly as he stared in shock at the absolutely massive problem he had just created for himself. He blinked slowly, trying to bring his brain back to speed. Definitely not Ideal.

Not even one week in Gotham, that was all it took to make such a big mess, thank you very much Fenton Luck. Danny had been accepted into Gotham U, having qualified for practically a full ride scholarship, and started next week. He had been in town to get settled for about three days when he was walking back to his apartment from a nearby Batburger.

Unfortunately a certain clown mistook him for a Wayne and well… yeah, he needed help with this.

“Hey Danny what’s up?” Sam’s voice rang as the call finally connected.

“Sam I think I have a problem,”

“What? Your roommate’s too Hot?΅ she joked

“No- no it's not my roommate-” he squeaked out. Shit how would he explain this? Logically Sam would be perfectly normal about it, probably even ecstatic, considering he did just-

“I killed the Joker” Danny blurted plowing past the sputtering noises coming from the other end of the line, “I didn’t mean to, i was just walking back to my apartment and he jumped out of an alley and tried to kidnap me, and you know I hate clowns and he caught me off guard, and well humans are a lot more squishy than ghosts and I think I used a bit too much force, but yeah.” he paused for a breath, “I killed the Joker, At least I think it's him. Ancients, Sam the bats are gonna kill me for this”

The tinny laughter he got in reply did nothing to calm Danny’s fraying nerves.

“Sam don’t laugh what am I meant to do?’’ He hissed

It took a few more moments for Sam to collect herself before she responded. “I’m sorry Danny, that's just so you of you to manage killing the Joker your first week in Gotham. Holdup, I'm gonna get Tuck real quick.”

As the sound of shuffling and footsteps filled the receiver, Danny tried calming down. Breathing deeply he walked over to examine the body. Yep, he thought, definitely the Joker, that pasty face and greasy green hair were hard to mistake, even for a non-Gothamite. Danny wrinkled his nose at the acrid stench rising from the smoking crater in the clown’s gut. You can never be too sure though, so Danny reached over to check for a pulse. Nothing.

The distant bickering died down as Tucker’s voice rang from Danny’s phone.

“Duuue, did you really?”

Danny took a shaky breath, raising the device back to his face, “Y-Yeah, he’s dead,” God please don’t let him come back to haunt me. ”Tuck what do I do?”

“Honestly man, I think you should just leave him, someone will find him eventually,” Tuck replied, the nonchalance oozing through his voice.

“I don’t know, I feel like we should tell someone or something-”

“Holy Shit!” Danny froze at the new voice coming from behind him. “Is that really him?” Red Hood asked incredulously. Ancients that's THE RED HOOD. Danny is so double dead.

“Tuck, I think someone found out,” he whispered into the mic, not taking his eyes off the imposing Figure that was the literal RED HOOD.

“It’s probably fine,” but Danny cut him off with a strangled yelp as Red Hood turned to face him Muscles tensing, shifting from shock to Ancients Danny hoped that rage wasn’t directed at him. That hope slowly dwindled as the vigilante stalked toward him, hand drifting toward the holster at his hip. Danny gulped.

“Did you do this?!” Hood seethed, and Yup Danny was going to die again today. What should he say? ‘Yes mr red hood sir I killed the Joker please don’t kill me’ no, no he should not say that. So he settled to let out a strangled squeak and a small nod.

Danny couldn’t breath as Hood crouched to assess the body. I didn’t breathe when Hood stared him down. No Danny didn’t even breathe when a distorted laugh rang through the air, or when Tucker and Sam anxiously screamed at Danny to respond.

“I Can’t believe the Fucker’s finally dead,” Hood breathed, kicking the dead clown for good measure. “What’s your Name Kid?”

Finally Danny let a relieved sigh escape his lips, he Probably wouldn’t die again tonight.

“Um, Danny?” he said tentatively, his voice rising toward the end making it sound more like a question. Hood just laughed more.

“Well Danny, do you like burgers? I've got to thank you somehow.” Dany was in shock. What. the actual. Hell. slowly he nodded because what else was he supposed to do when RED freaking HOOD offered him food for killing a literal terrorist on accident. “Good, I have to make a few quick calls but don’t go anywhere.” and he walked a few paces away, leaving Danny in Shock and confusion.

Slowly he raised the forgotten phone to his ear. “Uuuuh Guys…” he waited a moment for the yelling to die down before continuing, yeah, this might be interesting.

[squishykitty825]

The Batfamily knowing military hand signals is a hilarious concept to me. Cause like, you can not tell me Damian wouldn’t be constantly drawing his hand across this throat at every mild inconvenience and person with Dick trying to hide the fact that his ten-year-old brother is telling him he wants to eliminate 80% of the guests there

Damian standing next to Bruce who is in full on Brucie Wayne mode: *eliminate that man*

Jason: *say again*

Dick, taking notice of the gestures: *emphatically gives Damian a negative*

Steph sneaking up on the man with Cass: *assault assault*

[squishykitty825]

Jason: Timbo, what is all this? A video camera? A room thermometer?

Tim (sure he’s being haunted) preparing gear to fight a ghost: I need to be prepared

Dick: Don’t you think you’re forgetting one think, Timmy? Ghosts aren’t real

Jason, speaking simultaneously: An EMF reader

Tim, nodding along: An EMF reader! You’re right. Thanks, Jason

Dick: Don’t encourage him, Little Wing

Jason, under his breath: You’re one to talk, mister ‘I hallucinated my dead brother for years after his death’

[squishykitty825]

Dick, texting Jason: Little Wing, what was that loud thud?

Robin!Jason: Nothing

Dick: Sure sounded like something

Jason: My shirt fell on the ground

Dick: It sounded a bit too loud for a shirt

Jason: …I was in it

[squishykitty825]

Dick, doing one of those “subtle foreshadowing” videos: Come air-fry some mozzarella sticks with me

Cut to smoke and fire coming from the air fryer

Cut back to Dick, smiling as he rips open the box

Dick, reading the label: ‘Preheat to 375 degrees and lay sticks in a single layer in fryer. cook 8 sticks for 4 minutes’. Sounds easy enough

Cut to Dick and Tim screaming while Steph tries to contain the fire with a fire extinguisher

Cut back to Dick carefully placing mozzarella sticks in the fryer

Tim walking into the kitchen: Oooh mozzarella sticks? Make me some

Dick: Sure thing. How many do you want?

Steph, interrupting: Did I hear someone say mozzarella sticks? Dibs

Tim: Just make the whole bag

Dick, pouring the whole bag in: Okay

Cut to Dick, Steph, and Tim all screaming and staring horrified at a huge plume of fire and smoke, with a wide-eyed Bruce standing in the doorway in the back of the footage

Cut back to Dick inputting the temperature and time

Dick: And now, we wait

2 hours later

Dick, Tim, and Steph are all on their phones

Jason walks in: Dickface, what are you making?

Dick: Mozzarella sticks. You want some?

Sniffing the air, Jason raises an eyebrow and looks at the timer on the air fryer: How long are you supposed to cook them for?

Dick: 8 minutes. Why?

Jason, still looking at the timer: This says it’s got 6 hours left

Dick, rushing over: WhAaAt?!!!

Cue smoke coming from fryer as Dick lifts the lid and out bursts a flicker of fire

Jason, backing away: Not my circus, not my monkeys. B can deal with this

[squishykitty825]

How the Batfamily would do floor-time

*In the Batcave after patrol*

Jason: laying on his back with an arm under his head like a normal person

Tim: curled up in the fetal position

Damian: sprawled on his back making him look like a star with Alfred the cat laying on his chest

Steph: lying on her back using Jason as a pillow

Bruce: lying on his back, arms folded over his chest and one ankle crossed over the other

Cass: laying on Bruce like a cat

Dick: family guy death pose (bc he’s an overdramatic diva)

[squishykitty825]

Dick, on a date with some girl he met:

Girl: So, what do you do for a living?

Dick, under his breath: I exist against my will

Girl: What did you say?

Jason incognito in the booth behind him: Yeah Dickie, what did you say?

Dick:

Jason:

Girl:

Dick: 🙂

[squishykitty825]

*in regards to my Epic the musical obsession returning*

My reaction when there’s a song about someone dying (*cough cough* Ruthlessness, Scylla, Thunder Bringer, Odysseus *cough cough*): *jamming and singing along* 🎵 This song is amaaazing 🎶 🙂

Vs.

Listening to Polites dying in Survive (absolute banger of a song imo) “Ca-aptain 🫠💀”: NOOOOO MY POOR BOY! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO YOU!!! 😰🥺🥺😤🤯😡😫

Hearing him singing open arms again in later songs: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[squishykitty825]

Dick: Murder is never the answer

Damian: You are right. It is the question?

Dick, nodding along at first: Mhm, wait no. Damian—

Jason walking past: And the answer is yes

Dick: No. Jason—

Tim: It’s okay to admit when you’re wrong Dick

Stephanie: And in this case, you’re wrong

[squishykitty825]

Tim: Why do I feel like crap?

Also Tim, hasn’t had more than ten ounces of water in at least four days

Jason: Maybe you’d feel better if you would drink some water more than once a week

[squishykitty825]

I feel like Damian would sometimes threaten to tell Bruce about things his brothers do, not because he’ll actually do it but because it’s a form of power over his brothers who think he might actually do it. And it would go something like this.

———————————————————

Tim, annoying Damian: What are you going to do about it?

Damian: I’m going to tell Father if you don’t

Jason, who just happened to be reading a book as he walks past: Okay, Malfoy

[squishykitty825]

Dick: What gets covered in dirt but somehow always stays clean?

Jason: A body in a coffin

Dick: …

Jason: …

Dick: Soap. It was soap.

[squishykitty825]

It’s one of those “someone broke into your house/apartment and the object to your immediate left is your weapon, how are you doing?” But it’s the batkids at Jason’s apartment…

Dick: *instantly snatches a book* I knew these would be useful somehow

Steph: *holding a pair of chopsticks, a dumpling in her mouth* sphay bfackf pfool

Duke: *holding the TV remote* This is going to do absolutely nothing but it’s all I’ve got

Damian: *holding out a very confused Alfred the cat* You are not an object, but you are a better option than the pillow

Cass: *sees Damian’s use of Alfred and drags Tim out in front of her* Sorry brother

Tim: *upset at being used as a meat shield, but also still holding onto a blanket* Why me?!

Barbara: *holding a can of mace* A blanket Tim? Really?

Jason: *pulls a bazooka out of the couch cushions* Say hello to my little friend

Bruce: *standing awkwardly in the doorway, spare key in hand, staring at his kids like wtf* Uh… I brought food

[squishykitty825]

Head cannon where Tim loves to play the song "Another one bites the dust" whenever someone dies

At some point or another every single person in the bat family has died or been assumed dead. Because of this, Tim's coping mechanism is to loudly play "Another one bites the dust" throughout the Manor whenever another one of them dies (they'll be back soon anyway cause no one in that family knows how to stay dead).

Addition: Tim crashes his own funeral blasting this song

Priest: *saying whatever priestly funeral things they say*

Bat family gathered around the grave, wearing respectful funeral clothes (even Jason who Alfred had to literally drag to the funeral), heads bowed (Dick is crying---probably, you get the idea). They lift their heads as they hear loud music playing in the distance and watch as a very nice car that looks eerily like one of Bruce's sports cars pulls up. Silence falls on the gathering as they all stare at--- a very much alive---Tim, who is wearing sunglasses and is indeed driving one of Bruce's sports cars. Tim pauses the music, tipping his sunglasses down.

Tim: It's Britney, bitch!

[squishykitty825]

Jason, amidst a heated argument with Bruce: Does my death mean nothing in this family?

Out of nowhere: "In the arms of the angel. Fly awaaaay..."

Jason: What the hell?

________________________________________________________

Tim, low on sleep and caffeine trying to convince Jason to give him back his coffee: You think your time as Robin was bad, you never had to deal with Bruce after your death.

Jason: Maybe not. But I was a little busy being dead, Timbo.

"In the arms of the angel. Fly awaaaay..."

Jason: Again?!

________________________________________________________

Damian: Stop being so childish, Todd.

Jason: I died. I can do whatever I want.

"In the arms of the angel. Fly awaaaay..."

Jason, now seriously confused and angry: WHO IS DOING THAT?!

________________________________________________________

Dick whining to Jason about life after his death: You died. I didn't have anyone to talk to.

Jason: I'm so sorry my death was such an inconvenience to you.

"In the arms of the angel. Fly awaaaay..."

Jason now infuriated with whoever is playing the song every time he mentions his own death: I AM GOING TO MURDER WHOEVER IS DOING THAT!

Jason storms off in search of the culprit, leaving Dick staring after him wondering what he's on about.