#Source: Bob's Burgers

[pointycorgiears]

*Crocodile and Nico Robin, sitting in a Raindinners board meeting, listening to a boring presentation...*

Robin: Uuugh, this is the longest two hours of my life...

Crocodile: Just wait until childbirth, sister.

Robin: What?

Crocodile: What?

[incorrectbatfam]

Damian: My cat was right about you!

[ktkat99]

Bruce, going over his finances in the kitchen- That's it for the college funds

Tim- Wait, which one of us is going to college?

Tim and Steph, together- NOT IT

[x-x-nyctophilia-writes-x-x]

Simon: *suddenly remembering traumatic memories that he'd been repressing* Oh my god... Y/n, I just realized something.

Y/n: What?

Simon: I had a bad childhood.

Y/n: Oh. Yeah, I know.

Simon: You know?

Y/n: I mean, look at you.

Simon: What do you mean, "look at me"?

Y/n: Just look at how you stand. People who had good childhoods don't stand like that.

[its-a-show-stoppin-number]

*Eddie’s phone rings*

Eddie: Oh, hold on. Hello?

Christopher: Are you and Buck gonna come up and say good night or are we just going to do it over the phone, like animals?

Eddie: Good night, Christopher

Christopher: Good night, Dad. Now put Buck on, please. He deserves to be good night-ed

Eddie: Christopher wants to say good night.

Buck: Oh! Good night, Chris

Christopher: Good night, Buck. *whispering* Can you bring up some fries?

Eddie: Is he asking you to bring him fries?

Buck: No... *whispering* He's onto us, I gotta go.

Eddie: Go to bed, Christopher

Christopher: I'm in bed, I'm just hungry!

[imbadatwrighting]

Curtis!reader: Yeah, I think people will be pretty happy with my winning phrase: “You just got banged.” Then I point to my bangs.

Darry: Mm, Hun, don’t say “banged.”

Curtis!reader: What’s wrong with “banged?” I banged you. I banged Soda. I banged Pony. I banged the whole gang!

Darry: Oh my god.

[vivianthepigeon]

Poppy: “I made this friendship bracelet for you!”

Branch: “ah, you know, I’m not really a jewelry person.”

Poppy: “You don’t have to wear it-“

Branch: “No I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.”

[lucky-bishova-42]

*Natasha walking into the bathroom*

Natasha: Can I get in here I need to—OH MY GOD!?

*Kate is dressed in a Black Widow suit with her hair dyed red, Yelena is wiping her red stained hands on a towel*

Kate, pointing at Natasha, excitedly: It’s like looking in a mirror!!

Natasha: No it isn’t Kate.

Kate: Who’s Kate?

Yelena, chuckling: I already can’t tell who’s who!

Natasha: Take that stuff off.

Kate: Wands! Get in here and settle this!

Natasha: Don’t call your mother ‘Wands.’

Wanda: What? Oh haha hey! Travel size Nat! Aw!

Natasha: Wanda, you’re encouraging this!

*Clint comes in*

Clint: I need the bathroom—woah this is confusing.

Natasha: NO IT’S NOT!

[incorrectquotesfromthelighthouse]

Rook: [convinces Lucanis to show Illario mercy] Illario: You saved me, Rook! I owe you my life. Rook: No thanks. I’ve seen it, and I’m not impressed.

[vaggieluvr]

vaggie: you were supposed to do something about the raccoon under the desk

charlie: i did! i named him lord moseby. he likes coco puffs

[castledisneyfan]

Carmy: I just realized something, I had a bad childhood.

Sydney: Yeah, I know.

Carmy: What do you mean you know?

Sydney: Look at you.

Carmy: What do you mean look at me?

Sydney: Look at how you stand. People who had good childhoods don't stand like that.

[theunmappedstar]

Fitz: You have beautiful eyes.

Sophie: Thanks, I need them to see.

[incorrectbatfam]

Bruce: You were supposed to do something about the raccoon under the deck.

Damian: I did! I named him Lord Moseby. He likes Coco Puffs.

[nerevar-quote-and-star]

Farkas, to the new blood: You don't wanna mess with my brother. He'll wear down your self-esteem over a period of years.

[incorrect-losers]

Bill: He looks like a child molester. Bev, don’t talk to him, let Ben do it

Mike: Uh Bill-

Ben: Why do I have to get molested?

Bill: Because he’s not gonna molest you

Ben: Why?

Bill: Because you’re heavy

Mike: Bill-

Bill: Yeah, hold on

Ben: Heavy kids can get molested!!

Bev: Yeah! Who would want to molest this face?

Bill: That’s enough

Mike: Bill-

Bill: It’s not that, I mean, Ben cause you’re older

Ben: Eddie’s the oldest! Make him do it

Bill: Yeah… but Eddie’s not good with people

Mike: Bill-

Eddie: I’m good with people

The losers: Mmm, not really-

Eddie: I’m great with people!

The losers: Mmm-

Bev: He’s autistic, he can’t help it

Eddie: Yeah, I’m autistic

Mike: Bill-

Bill: Just a sec- No, you’re not autistic, Eddie

Stan *dropping 3 toothpicks on the ground*: How many- how many toothpicks on the ground?

Bill: Don’t play this game again

Eddie: Uhh

Richie: Come on! How many toothpicks?

Bill: No. it just involves me cleaning up toothpicks

Eddie: A hundred?

Mike: Bill-

Stan: No-

Bill: A hundred?!

Richie: It’s 3

Bill: There’s 3!

Stan *dropping 1 more toothpick*: Ok ok, how many now?

Mike: Bill-

Eddie: 3!

The losers: No!

Bev: Ugh, you’re the worst kind of autistic

Stan: You can’t even count

[imbadatwrighting]

Reader after getting caught stealing from a mall: Santa knows when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. I get that. He’s got some kind of sensor somewhere. But I never imagine he use mall Santas as his eyes and ears. It’s brilliant! We are so screwed!

Dean: Hun, it’ll be okay. I’m sure you’ll get presents this year.

Reader: Are you, Dean? Are you so sure?

Sam: Yeah, we’re pretty sure.

Reader: I’m sorry, all of a sudden you’re a Santa expert? Did Santa give you an exclusive interview you never told us about? Did you intern in the North Pole as an undergrad?

Dean: That’s not how… you know what? For…just forget it.