#Sorry in rambling >_< and also probably wrong
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I like ward *gives him an existential crisis*
Character From marble sky comic by @ somerandomdudelmao, you should def read it right fucking now cuz its awesome
#marble sky#Marble sky fanart#Sculptor when I fucking get you sculptor#Doodle#Hmm wish I had a green pen so I could add cool light effect but oh well ahaha#I think it would be insanely terrifying to know that SOMETHING has been changed about you but having absolutely no idea WHAT#Knowing you'll never be the same again but being unaware of how exactly#Delicious#Sorry in rambling >_< and also probably wrong
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Actually wait ok i'm not done. i'm actually so serious abt this. I think that a large part of the reason i got attached to metroid when i was younger is because it was the first media i discovered where the main female character was allowed to look like this:
and like. people thought she was cool. BOYS thought she was cool and I had never seen boys think a female character was cool before, much less want to be like one. she had all these interesting traits that I had only ever seen in male characters (person of few words, calm and ruthless bounty hunter persona, highly respected for skill, her appearance isn't mentioned Ever, etc etc). and that was formative for me and my relationship to gender i think
#metroid#talkin#sorry to explain it in such “boys vs girls” terms lmao it's just. this was my experience#also probably a big reason i get so squicked out by zero suit portrayals#because like. that cool trope subversion gets stripped (lol) away#and it's like “noooooo look she really is just another hot female character underneath!! she's a Woman guys!!!!!”#and it's weirddddddd it's so weird. not Wrong in any way just really really not my thing#i saw boys stop wanting to BE her once the suit came off#anyway. TIME FOR THE DAILY METROID RAMBLE
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winged weapon
Happy late 4th anniversary ultrakill!
#this is...very late art.....#i had to finish something big irl on the actual anni day#but honestly i like this a lot#trying to do more painting stuff and id say rhis is the most painterly ive done so far#ok so this piece is on the super cool concept that v1 stores weapons in their wings. its just so COOL#so they're supposed to be taking the raincannon out of their wing storage but im not sure if it comes across#and the weapon silhouettes are also in the other wings yippee#speaking of which how on earth do you even hold the railcannon. i probably drew it wrong but ???#sorry for rambling#ultrakill#v1#v1 ultrakill#k-art
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Good evening (or morning, depending on your timezone).
Absolutely no hate, but I want to ask how you reconcile your enjoyment of the show with the reality of what Ikuhara has (most likely) done?/gen
I understand Death of the Author, but what drew me to Utena in the first place was its theme of critiquing the patriarchy and calling out abuse, which feels somewhat hypocritical now. I resonate with this show, and many of Ikuhara's other shows, on a personal level, which is why I am especially disappointed with the accusations since I now have to wonder how that reflects onto me as a person...?
Obviously I don't know you personally, but you seem to spend a lot of time and care on your analyses (which are great btw) so have you also struggled with this?
Again, there is like zero judgement when I say this and I'm absolutely not trying to come off as hostile (in case that is how this reads). And, there is no pressure on you to answer this and I'll completely understand if you want to ignore the ask.
Thanks.
hi, i've been thinking about this as well since yesterday, and it is kind of tough to figure out how to feel about. i think it's important to remember that ikuhara did not make revolutionary girl utena alone, for one. he had a whole team of writers and animators and producers and so on, that it would not exist without. obviously ikuhara played a big part in the show's creation, but far from the only one (if it was, i have no doubt it would be very very different), and . idk what my point really is here but i don't think his actions reflect on the show as a whole. it still is what it is, it still says the same important things about our society's systems of abuse that we've always talked about, even if the director didn't understand it or didn't want to understand it or however you want to put it. and by extension i don't think it reflects on to all the people who have enjoyed the show, who have seen their experiences in it, who have learned from it more about how this kind of abuse works and so on. and i think we need to be aware of what has (allegedly, but again, i believe it) happened, but i don't necessarily think we need to write off the show just because he had a hand in making it. because it is just as important as we've always known it to be, you know? though i think there are (as there has always been and there always is in anything) elements of the show to be critical of, and maybe some new things as well in light of this. i'll have to think about it more.
#this is a ramble i'm not rereading it so apologies if something is wrong or poorly articulated i also just woke up#i also hope i'm not coming off as defensive(?) over the show?? like i fully realize i'm biased because this is my special interest#and it's easier from the outside when there are controversies around creators of things you don't care about#to just say that the thing they made is bad or wrong anyway and to stop engaging with it#idk that probably doesn't make sense i'm just worried that i'm one of those people who uses#“seperate the art from the artist” in a wrong way or like as an excuse to not change my harmful behaviour#but idk i do think the show and its message about abuse stands on its own despite this. open to other input though of course#wow those tags were even more of a ramble i'm sorry#asks#m
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kagepro day...
#kagerou project#kagepro#ayano tateyama#cw suicide#<- mainly since main mv based on yeah....#listen i have been redrawing ayano scenes from the mvs for....#8? EIGHT?!?! years now#in a rotation of four songs#every august#i was not gonna stop this year SAFASDA#this just so happens to be the first time i am posting one of them!!#since i did not post anything. ever. before. lmao#maybe one day i will release older ones since i do think it is a solid tracker#of like my own art progression#but the other half of me is like....#old art..... oh......#oh kagerou project#you are so important to me for various reasons#and for the longest time one (1) yearly ayano drawing was like....#one of the few art things i would get myself to actually finish throughout the entire year#so very important to me art wise!!#but ofc kagepro is ALSO important for various... other reasons... that i will not be rambling about today!#and for those of u here for stars#dw i still have plenty... probably too many?#ideas!! and something is gonna be going up#uh today??? i guess??#for that since this day also ended up being the finale stream day of stars#for my dear friend squid#tag talk over i ran out of tags editing to make sure THIS DOESNT SHOW UP IN THE WRONG TAGS ASFASDASFASDA#ack it still shows up welp. sorry everyone!!!!
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A long post about why chromaticism is awesome
(in the context of Ainulindale) and what Melkor did and what he didn't and what Rúmil got wrong
Because 17 of you voted for it, one for "don't care" and one for "we don't need anti-Melkor propaganda" which isn't true: we do need more anti-Melkor propaganda :D (Told you I'm going to ignore some of the votes! I like him ok? I just don't like what he did.) (It's not even particularly focused on that… )
So, long post below cut:
Inharmonious?
it came into the heart of Melkor to interweave matters of his own imagining that were not in accord with the theme of Ilúvatar [to make himself more important]
Let me ask you a question: Did Melkor sing music that wa snot compatible with the theme of Ilúvatar? Yes, you say, 'tis in the quote.
Nay, I say. It came into his mind to do so. So he did try. But he did not do it, because it is not possible. He simply assumed that what he sang was fundamentally incompatibile. Also, it was too loud and badly timed and confused many of the Ainur. Yes, it was ugly and didn't work well. But it was not, on fundamental, harmonic level, incompatibile, as:
And thou, Melkor, shalt see that no theme may be played that hath not its uttermost source in me, nor can any alter the music in my despite
So: no. contrary to common way of talking about it in the fandom, Melkor didn't play anything fundamentally … how to phrase it? The themes were fundamentally good, just in wrong place and too loud.
["A lot of evil is a misprioritized good" is a thing that probably has a lot written about it already.]
The nature of discord
So, time for some music theory (Yay!)
"Discord" is Tolkien's word for "music I don't like, eg the Beatles and jazz", but generally, discordant notes mean notes that aren't part of the current harmony, or even part of the scale, and make spicy intervals with the notes that are already being played.
Except.
A better word for such notes is "dissonance" or "tension". Because they aren't inherently wrong or ugly. They are something that feels like it needs to be dealt with, they create more energy in the music.
Sure, a stiff classical music teacher (the kind who tries to be Mozartier than Mozart and cleans the trumpet only on the outside, you get the vibe) would tell you that you can't have a second, or a tritone (the famous "devil chord" allegedly) and so on.
That's not true.
You can have those, just not for long, and not too loud and they need to go somewhere and so on and so forth. But used properly, the tensions make music richer and alive.
(But of course when someone decides to be a jerk about it and plays them for too long and too loud… Every sensation made too long and too intense becomes pain, and empowering something that should be temporary always ends up badly.)
Fire isn't inherently wrong, but when it gets out of control and burns everything, it's bad. Cold isn't inherently wrong, but freezing to death is nasty. Change isn't wrong, but can be.
Well, "change isn't wrong" becomes true when there are imperfect beings: beings that can change without becoming less. Like, you know, mountains, and trees, and Men.
What was Melkor's calling?
I think it was to add tensions. But to add them in a normal amount. And this required him to do two things: a) to sing keeping the harmonic tension regardless of everyone else singing differently, and b) to not overdo it and frigging accept the fact that everyone else is singing together.
Well, he managed to do half of it. :F Yay. :F I'm gonna make him a sticker saying "you tried". :F
And yes, this is difficult. That's why the most powerful of the Ainur got the job! And he still messed it up. Because he preferred his pride than the actual job.
But yes, I believe his job was to sing "in discord", just politely. And then at the end on the Music get quiet and yield, because that's what you do with the tensions. And then go happily hang out with your fellow Ainur who would appreciate what he did. Because it's very much not "he was made evil", just "he was made different and other, and became evil by trying to make everything like him when he was supposed to be the contrast".
[Pause, because I made myself sad about how much he messed up such beautiful ideas]
Men (and Elves)
Rúmil says they were created only as a response to Melkor's discord. So, without evil there would be no free will, and no people. Right?
Wrong. Rúmil, go home and rethink your life.
If Melkor did what I described above, the themes would still be able to progress normally, just without drama. And we would have Men and Elves and whatnot, because I don't but a "people are inherently a result of evil" setting, my BS detector flares red on that. (Should I say "sorry"?)
I'm not going into "does free will need evil to exist, or just the possibility of evil or some secret third option" because I don't want to go into real-world philosophy with this post.
Chromaticism AKA: what do you mean "rarepair", it's not a rarepair!
OK, so back to the music theory. Remember when I said that dissonant notes are, among others, notes outside the scale? Those are called "chromatic tones" and are used to add more emotion to the music. Usually the sad types (and scary, yes, this too) of emotion.
So, Nienna. The Vala who, among other things said about her, gets probably the best, awesomest description line in the whole book. My fav. The gothy psychopompy evil-in-early-versions weird lady whose windows gaze West of the West, to Darkness. The edgiest but never crossing the edge (unlike you, Melkor!), the one who prefers to weep for so long than to rise in pride.
I love her so much.
Her reaction to Melkor's dissonance was to weep. And how do you weep in music? Chromaticism. Which is a type of dissonance, technically.
Oh, if only Melkor didn't get it into his head to try to court stalk and pester Varda… :(
Also, the text doesn't say that Nienna was one of the main singers in the Third Theme (like Manwë was in Second), but the vibes very much suggest it. And honestly, with a theme that's not finished it is honest to not discuss who was the star of it?… anyway she is closely tied with the Third Theme, I'm sure everyone will agree on that.
So yea, the Third Theme, I'm so veryveryvery about it *deep breath* I'll try to keep it on-topic
The one was deep and wide and beautiful, but slow and blended with an immeasurable sorrow, from which its beauty chiefly came.
I cannt imagine "immesurable sorrow" in music without chromatic tones. I don't care what Rúmil would say, I don't care what Tolkien would say, the Third Theme is (if we imagine it as not physically music: it is the metaphysical equivalent of) chromatic. It just is.
It's sad and subtle, and the description sounds very much like a minor scale, but don't get me into scales and chord types, because then I'll digress into places we pretend aren't part of the discussion.
But yea, "minor ending with a Picardy third" would be a good approximation of the general feel, I guess.
Oh, and do you know how do you make a chromatic thing work— how do you make any "dissonant" (in classical terms) chord work? (No, Melkor (and Stravinsky), not by repetition!!!)
You put it into open voicing.
So, what is open voicing? I'm glad you asked. Imagine you're playing on a piano. Open voicing is when the notes are far apart and you would need longer fingers to play them at the same time. It's generally the notes being far from each other in terms of pitch. This does reduce the dissonances, because for example C4 and D4 clash much more than C4 and D5. So you put the notes in separate octaves as much as possible and it works, and it makes a chord that would be clashing into a beautiful epic-sounding and generally awesome.
Now, ask yourself: Where have we seen (heard?) about something like that? Because we have.
and in one chord, deeper than the Abyss, higher than the Firmament, piercing as the light of the eye of Ilúvatar, the Music ceased
OK, you can argue that the "deeper and higher" mean it is wide, but it doesn't imply that it's a chromatic chord. the implication goes only one way. True.
But "piercing"? Can a purely diatonic chord feel piercing? IDK
…is diatonic/chromatic even still a question at this point?
So, chromatic is a good thing, right? So, Melkor—
Noo… Not like that. Chromaticism is like— like fire. Or electricity. It can make good thigs better, and beautiful things more beautiful, but it's tricky, and needs to be used properly.It's like admin mode on your computer. Like "see advanced settings" button.
Also, Melkor did …provoke (for lack of a better wors) chromaticism in the Music, but his song on its own is the very opposite of chromatic. Which is sad and ties very well to one of my earlier posts.
He's not nuanced. He's just
had now achieved a unity of its own; but it was loud, and vain, and endlessly repeated; and it had little harmony, but rather a clamorous unison as of many trumpets braying upon a few notes
which is as non-chromatic as you can probably get :(
I made myself sad again, end of post.
Edit: Yeah, no, I went to take a morning (noon) shower and ofc realized there's a lot of it left. Like: why is Melkor-being-not-chromatic a sad thing if the chromaticism is tricky?
So, to be explored in a next post some day:
the ("dynamic" says too little, "self-defeating" claims too much... complicated?) nature of dissonant non-classic chords
the nature of Men, their out-of-FateMusic-ness and how does that relate to chromatic and non-chord tones and music in general
idk, probably more
#sorry for tonal mis-match I'm like that sometimes#either I post like that or don't post; don't have the energy and time to edit it much#silm#silmarillion#Tolkien legendarium#the silm#the silmarillion#melkor#ainulindale#music theory#kinda#Tolkien philosophy#Tolkien metaphysics#possibly: me arguing with Tolkien on both#nienna#:(#probably some typos#but on keyboard not phone so the less stupid kind of typos#fangirling#rambling#melkor x nienna#kinda?#hmm is this anti- or -critical?#also for Rúmil? I do complain on him a bit? But he's just a historian ofc he got some things wrong#I probably should make fun of him and Pengolodh a bit less#or at least give them some praise too#they did a lot of good job#i suppose
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you know, i always find it really funny when dudebros complain about syndicate and odyssey being too "jokey" or not "taking its characters seriously" or whatever…
like, did y'all collectively sleep through "it's-a me, mario!", "i meant besides vaginas", ezio inventing the latte, bartolomeo's... just... *gestures vaguely* entire character, etc?
like, it's fine to have preferences of course, i myself prefer a more serious and grounded tone, but these are usually the same people who tout the ezio trilogy as "peak assassin's creed", call ac1 a glorified tech demo and hate on connor for being "too serious and boring", like? make it make sense!
#asscreed#ac syndicate#ac odyssey#dont get me wrong#i do have problems with syndicate and even more so with odyssey#but it's not the tone lol#honestly i think kassandra is the protagonist that's the most similar to ezio if you really think about it#but bc she's a woman she's suddenly 'overpowered' and 'unrealistic'#yall don't remember the insane things that ezio survives in revelations do you#speaking of which#been replaying the ezio games lately#and i have something to confess...... i really don't think ac2 is good#ac brotherhood was a BIG improvement#in terms of story pacing for one (none of those insane unmotivated time jumps... well aside from the strange montage at the end)#and the characters are a lot more fleshed out (probably bc there aren't like 20 of them)#and the handling of female characters is MUCH less egregious#maybe bc there's only really claudia and caterina left LOL#lucrezia is a little annoying i guess... but she gets a pass bc she's cesare's sister and really they're the same kind of crazy lol#and hey we actually get to see how dangerous sex work can be and how it's not just a way for sexy nuns to give inner peace to men#even cristina gets fleshed out!#and i like that we get so see ezio being a little bit of a selfish prick in her missions#and making bad decisions in interpersonal relationships#at least i THINK that's what we're supposed to take away from it... but who knows maybe it's just supposed to be a tragic love story...#i hope not.... i hope the player IS supposed to think that ezio's treatment of her is bad. otherwise.... :/#sorry for rambling#guess im just kinda surprised by how much i enjoyed brotherhood#it had been a long time since i last played it#also the modern day is really good!#that you can talk so much to everyone and also being able to read their emails and the mundane banter... idk i just think its neat :)
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Yknow I feel like Void gets villainized a lot more than he deserves. Like yeah he was kind of a dick in the first week and genuinely dangerous in the second one, but BF was also the one egging him on and then tried to do that shit again without a crowd around. Yes void is egotistical but he's sure not a bad guy. Dudes just a little mentally unwell and seems like he was doing just fine until BF started one-upping him both privately and publicly.
Which now that I think about it, wasn't BF legit trespassing on stage during one of his concerts? And then after beating him multiples times went to find him again purely for a rematch? That is so close to just insane fan behavior tbh. Most I can really fault Void for is letting BF continue to do what he was doing and not kick him out when the Accretions thought that he should. He probably knew that it wouldn't go well for him but also didn't want to stop and never know if he actually couldn't have beat him at full strength. I think at the end of the day Void is just someone who's a little egotistical and stubborn, but his breakdown was majorly influenced more by the fact that someone just kept pushing their own luck and tried to beat Void at his own game, even when it was clearly sending him into a mental breakdown.
#void fnf#sorry i just get emotional about this sometimes cause like i think BF was pretty in the wrong here#void may have super powers and fame but hes also just a man. feel like that stuff BF pulled would fuck with most people#just feels like a guy targetting some poor dude with NPD whos just trying to live his life#and thats not even mentioning the whole thing with AC seeming to be his own person seperate from void#like if we take that into consideration then its possible Void wasnt even the one to attack bf#it was just AC who got Void out of there and attacked BF himself#partially to protect Void and partially because it seems like he just needed an excuse to be out#but i cant even consider AC a bad guy cause it seems like he only comes out when Void is on the brink of losing it#im sure hed like to be out more but cant due to Voids busy life and maybe because he and Void have a strained relationship#theyre not the worst guys in the world they just have mental episodes sometimes and probably just need support#rambles
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Im so sorry but the L word is absolutely fucking hilarious - none of these women have an ounce of morality between them and yet they're all somehow still loveable characters. Despite the atrocities. And the bad 2000s haircuts. And the deeply questionable fashion choices.
#shane your haircuts mean the world to me this isnt about you sweetie#also in general sorry but alice's chart? so unethical but so fucking funny just as a concept#bette and tina? their whole NINE SEASON thing? hilarious#alice liking a uniform? so funny#helena peabody going from being so awful in her first season to suddenly becoming the most pathetic sweetheart as soon as season 3 starts??#funny as hell#jenny schecter's whole thing?? the random dream things? her becoming more gradually insane? man. i could never ever hate her even though#the writers tried so hard to make her unlikeable and evil#marina being a central character in season one then the writers deciding to have her drive into a fucking hotel then leave for italy or#some shit? what the fuck! also Jodi did nothing wrong ever and she didnt deserve all that. also Dana broke my fucking heart#anyway im losing what i was rambling about here... anyway would i recommend the L word? probably not lol it has so so so many problems#but despite that - all the characters became so important to me despite how batshit and bad this show was.#the l word
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vein PV has me worried on multiple in-universe levels but it also has me worried on the basis of link click, even in its wild intense moments, being a very down-to-earth series that, despite involving superpowers and time travel, is so grounded in real life. Vein PV felt like something out of like Dandadan or Devilman Crybaby, which, dope. But I am concerned for the sanctity of Link Click normal vibes
#if link click goes totally off the wall dont get me wrong i trust haoling and like im a to be hero fan so crazy is my shit#however i would mourn the loss of the realistic mystery thriller vibes#it would be great. but it would be different.#though i do also just kind of assume this is mostly symbolism and vein probably isn't a stray anime villain sneaking into this donghua#ALSO re: the dandadan/devilman crybaby mentions i fuck HARD with both im just using them as an example of off the rails media#so sorry this will probably appear in searches. saying fuck in the tags doesnt seem to exclude posts anymore. i need a new rambling strateg#ughhhh but im so attached to link click normal vibes. and ik escalation in narratives usually kills normal vibes eventually and i accept it#but it's so hard to find characters that aren't high schoolers and my only normal vibes adult series are this and uramichi oniisan#but i trust LC writing to be stellar regardless so it'll still rock if the normal vibes die. which idk if they will but i'm preparing a'ight#i simply enjoy the normal vibes and would miss them if they were gone. idk if they'll be gone. but IF.
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Does anyone else get the feeling that at their core, all of mxtx's works are about cycles of abuses.
#idea dump#ramblings of a sleep deprived girl#heaven official's blessing#tian guan ci fu#scum villian self saving system#mao dao zu shi#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#mxtx#mo xiang tong xiu#cycle of abuse#I don't only mean the passing down of trauma#I also mean the abuses of an established corrupt system#that systematically hurts people that are less fortunate than those who actively benefit from it#to me this one is more prevalent in mdzs and why jin guangyao downfall is so upsetting to me#because he was coming close to breaking the cycle of abuse of both the system and of his family#but unfortunately it was his past actions in service of perpetuating it that doomed him#if he had realized a lot sooner that his father was not worth it#and started pursuing his own interests from the beginning instead of his father's approval he could have changed everything for the better#not to mention that unlike his father he actually treats his spouse with respect and doesn't intentionally hurt her#emphasis on the 'intentional' part (if you know you know)#just like Jin Guangyao became the new wei wuxian Nie Huaisang became the new Jin Guangyao#so i'm of the firm belief that since the system is still in place the cycle will repeat again#and Nie Huaisang will replace Wei Wuxian as someone else becomes his Jin Guangyao#sorry for this long ass essay in the tags lol#it's 3am so I'll probably do the other two another time#also let it be known that I'm only running on spoilers/fanfictions/wiki when it comes to svsss and mdzs#so if anyone bothers to read my essay tags be free to correct anything if I get something wrong#side note why wasn't mdzs about breaking cycles???#why didn't yanli become sect leader. Jiang cheng remain coreless. or Jin Zixuan marry into the Jiangs to show worth outside the norms#you can be a strong woman without being cruel. cultivation doesn't equal worth. and powerful women are beautiful and should be respected
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“I’m going to O’Brianize Hornblower in this one specific fic,” I say, as though I was not O’Brianizing Hornblower in every single Hornblower fic I write ever
#sorry o'brian is just way more fun and i am a cs forester hater#i'll probably go back and change it because it sounds odd with no justification but grrr#it feels ahistorical i don't even go to regency england history but it feels Wrong#^ guy whose principal concern in writing is a sense of time and place#also o'brianize very real english verb. obrianitzar in catalan if you were wondering#perce rambles#percy yells at cecil scott#(i really did pick the right personal hornblower tag didn't i lol)
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thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder
#akio and utena#m#long ramble in the tags sorry:#the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human#he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims#he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry.#and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios#(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think.#like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her#i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing#not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that.#and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did#but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her?#whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway#idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims#the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it?#how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions.#(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive#but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.)#when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her#but is there something genuine there too? i don't know.#again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me.#on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had#reflected back at him through her mean anything?#is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid.#either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over.#i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways)#but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly#wants you to analyze and think about.#which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.
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One day I will learn, that just because the bottle is low, does not mean I need to finish off the bottle.
#imma be so fuckin hungover tomorrow#someone should kiss me#and i moght be either asexual or aromantic or both which like woo thats funny to only me for so many trauma reasons#i love#im so drunk#i too drunk#i stated typing thos at 12:30#imma smoke pot after i post this#if your reqding my tags hi i love you. why are you reading this though like im a schizo bipolar depreased trans girl im unhinged in the tags#i need to stop drinking by myself#if think im an alcoholic as well if it wasnt for the fact that i can genuinely stop when ever i want but idkmaybe that changes?#at this point im just typing to annoy myself cause i think its funny to annoy other people and itd be hypothetical to not annoy myself#im ramblimg in the tags and honestly its your fault for still reading this#trans thought time#i wish i was born with a pussy but i do like having a cock and there is a possibility im genderfluid and fuck me that sucks if true#like how do you transition if your genderfluid? like i kinda want a cock and pussy and i know thats an actual option#but is it the right option?#i hate being trans but not knowing what kinda trans maybe ill hit where im at with my gender and just say tranny#cause i already say faggot for my sexuality instead of anything specific maybe i should just say tranny#this is probably what a therapist is for but idk if i can justify paying for this instead of saving money to buy a hoise#america sucks#capitalism sucks#love is such a bullshit thing#how can i be in love with some ane be in love with someone. being in love is nothing but selfish but also you have to be selfish for youryou#like i know that doesn't make sense sense but it makes sense to me and i also know its wrong#maybe i should give up and spend money on a therapist#i love my freinds and would sacrifice myself for them literally#12:51 and i have one more short tag to add#i hope you didnt read this far cause even in a drunk state this tag is embarrassing and im sorry you know me irl im sorry this is rambly+ugh#but if you dead read all the tags <3 i love yoh and would die for you
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vent under the cut you don't need to read if you don't want to!!!!!!!
I honestly hateee opening up or oversharing with ppl. it's kind of like eating for me where it feels okay in the moment but then afterwards I just feel awful. it feels like I'm attention seeking or saying someone else's experience isn't valid for some reason and it sucks. I don't do it at all with ppl I just met but with friends I tend to get carried away with it sometimes,,,
It hurts even more because I've been distancing myself from ppl bcz I'm scared of this exact thing happening. People have messaged me before, saying I seem cool and they want to be friends. And I get happy in the moment, but then I get really anxious about accidentally getting too comfortable and blurting out personal things, because then their opinion of me will wane and they'll think I'm annoying or ungrateful. So I subconsciously begin to distance myself and take a while when responding to messages, because I'm scared of getting too comfortable with them. But now I'm anxious that they think I'm cold or distant and that I secretly don't like them. It's just a lose lose situation mannn </3
I have so many DMs I've put off responding to, and I've stopped talking in servers as much bcz I'm scared of getting close with ppl in them. I really feel bad for it, though. I've drifted from friends bcz of that and it sucks because I genuinely love them a lot. I love everyone I talk to a lot and they always make my day better--I just wish I could be the same for them. I feel like it's a chore to talk to me. I honestly don't know what to do. It's even worse when I get close to someone bcz they like what I make/post because again, now that they've seen how I really am and I've opened up, they more than likely see me as annoying or a bad person. Like it hurts enough whenever we become friends naturally talking, but if it's with someone who's seen me at my "best" and has seen things I work on or stories I've created, they ofc associate me with those things, and their expectations of me are through the roof. So when I disappoint them it hurts a lot more. I hate getting attached to people it hurts so much
#vent#it's okay tho.I think a hug would fix me. I want a hug so bad :(#probably delete later#tag ramblings below#AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY FRIENDS SO MUCH LIKE SO MUCH so it's even harder. like I feel like I don't deserve them#y'all deserve better than me#I WISH I COULD ADOPT THE IDGAF ATTITUDE#truly the best feeling in the world--realizing you don't care anymore#and idk how someone could possibly like me for things I created--it's not even like I write well or sing well#I honestly don't understand how ppl could see anything I've made or sung and genuinely like it#so whenever someone DOES I'm just like hasbdhabsn yay!!!!!!! and then I ruin it w my awful personality </3#it's also why I take down a lot of ao3 works#like I've made 50 something works but it only shows two because I've taken so many down or made them anonymous--I hate my work so much#but ppl like it enough to actively want to get to know me and it hurts bcz I feel like they're not THAT good#same thing with singing like I'm not good at it at all#but ppl used to rlly like my impressions of characters and I'd get cast in quite a bit of cover groups and I just don't understand.why???#but ofc I can't ask that bcz.idk it just feels attention seeking when I do that#like can you praise me a whole bunch so I don't feel like it's not totally awful please?#I appreciate the support I get so so much and it's not that it's not enough it's just my brain is mean </3#idek what this vent is abt#I think ultimately it's just abt my fear of disappointing ppl#I'm close with a few ppl who know me bcz of things I made--and I feel like I kinda ruined their impression of me a little (a lot)#especially bcz I didn't always used to vent this much. like back when I was 12-15 I literally refused to vent no matter how bad it got#and I had friends who vented every single day so it's not like I'd be the only one#I just feel like it's wrong when it's me :'D I feel like my feelings aren't valid ig and I'm ungrateful bcz my life rlly isn't that bad#I only started venting a lot this year for some reason--and it makes me feel bad bcz now my current friends have to deal with me like that#like I have a diary I write in and it works sometimes but ultimately it's better for someone else to give you validation#I hate venting so much though#(<- literally venting rn BAHSDBAS)#I'M SORRY if I've been venting too much. I feel like I've been venting too much.guys am sorry if this is annoying I promise I'm workin on i
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random but is anyone else into yosurise but in a doomed kind of way. like kind of one sided. like a yosuke is into rise in a puppydog kind of way and rise keeps trying to find a relationship but can’t and finally decides to give yosuke a try because at least he’s a friend and she knows he won’t try to take advantage of her being an idol etc. And yosuke is ECSTATIC and wants to give her the world but in an unsustainable kind of way, a desperate “i don’t deserve her but she’s giving me a chance and i need to do anything i can to keep her happy�� kind of way. And rise is so flattered and like yosuke is nice but she can’t match that dedication, no one can or should, but it’s all so one sided and she feels so guilty about that but she doesn’t want to break his heart or be “mean”. all while yosuke is becoming almost self destructive by trying to give her “what she deserves” but it’s an unhealthy level of dedication and it’s honestly hurting both of them
#rambles#p4#not tagging this w the ship lol#before anyone even tries anything neither of them are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in this scenario#just a case of two people who aren’t compatible w each other making a relationship unhealthy#like yosuke lacking in self confidence and thinking he isn’t good enough#and rise trying to be into yosuke as much as he’s into her but you can’t force that!#and also it can be soooo uncomfortable when someone is way more into you than you are into them#in this scenario she doesn’t break up w him bc I mean he’s being so nice. so she’s wondering what’s ‘wrong’ w her#that she doesn’t feel the same way back and can’t force herself to develop those feelings…#btw bc i hate myself this would probably come after rise can’t get over souji no matter what she does or who else she tries to date#she’s a pretty girl so I imagine she would just keep encountering douchebags#and so she decides to give it a try w yosuke bc he’s seen the Real her and still likes her right??#meanwhile because it’s me ofc it’s because souji has feelings for yosuke but can’t bear the thought of ruining their friendship#and so instead he sits off to the side watching his friends drag each other down in a relationship that’s bad for both of them#THIS IS SO MUCH SORRY ITS SLOW AT WORK
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