#REALLY FUCKING BAD at interacting with psychotic people.

[trauma-trove]

Undescribed.

An ancient edit I made over 2 years ago when I was really struggling with a psychotic episode. I never posted it because I could never figure out a coherent ID for it.

[disappearinginq]

I hate liking a show enough to want to find media on it, but the "media" is so alienating and hostile that it also kinda makes me not want to watch the show.

[xzaddyzanakinx]

Not That Kind of Guy

Part Four: Stalker!Anakin Skywalker × femme reader series

Warnings: stalking, weirdo behavior, psychotic/delusional behavior, possessive/protective, sexism/misogyny, one-sided relationship, sexual content, pervy behavior, male masturbation, panty kink, sex daydreams [eventual warning for smut; be sure to pay attention to future warnings in the series]

Info: Anakin is doing his very best, he just loves you and wants you to be comfy around him. Just let him worm his way into your heart babe [diary entries from Ani] extremely not proofread. I’m illiterate so apologies in advance MDNI 18+

Diary Entry: July 8th

Mr. Nelson’s funeral was today, it really was a beautiful ceremony as I look back on it. Even more so when my inner self smears the background enough to bring you to the front of the mental image.

You’d spoken to the man a handful of times, but I didn’t expect you to come. When I saw you accept the invite to the event on Facebook I thought surely it was a mistake. That was until you messaged Luke and asked him to accompany you, funerals make you nervous, but feeling obligated to do something and avoiding it makes you more nervous.

So your moral support was happy to attend and fight off dear old Alan’s corpse should he rise from the casket and set his sights on you.

And I though I had irrational fears, geez babydoll, how old were you when you watched Night of The Living Dead for the first time? If I had to guess it was too young. It’s alright though I get it, you know what movie traumatized me? The Mummy. Heebied my fucking Jeebies so bad I avoided the beach on family vacations.

You’re telling me there’s not a sarcophagus under all that sand? There’s at least one under there and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Solid ground for me only, please and thank you.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

I had a thought that I initially considered to be a sweet reminder of my dear friend Alan. His obituary was in the newspaper and I happened to swipe one from the guest book table at the viewing as well. Have you ever scrapbooked before? I bet you’ve at least tried it.

Well I thought it would be nice to make him a page in my journal. A little celebration of life for the man who gave me an opportunity to grow and nurture my love for you.

Then I realized mid-glue stick on the newspaper clipping that the idea was something that a clinically insane person would do.

I’m not that guy. That guy’s not me.

But the glue was already on there and it felt wrong to toss Alan’s wrinkly old face into the trash so I pasted him into my journal anyway.

Crazy people don’t know that they’re crazy. I’m well aware that little idea was less than tasteful, just felt like I should mention that.

Date:

July 28th

Anakin Skywalker hadn’t been this happy since… ever. The previous record being his discovery of you, was now toppled into second place and overshadowed by ‘Move In Day’.

He could hardly contain himself. It was a dopamine high that he would ride out until he’d drained every last drop.

The movers lugged in box after box, furniture and books, until finally they dropped off the last load and thanked Anakin for the business. He eagerly shook their hand and shoved them out. He had preparations to make.

He set up his Tv, screen mirroring the live feed of the apartment building entrance to the big screen so that he could easily keep an eye out for you while he unpacked his kitchen.

He’d planned your ‘meet-cute’ meticulously, looking to your bookshelf and streaming services to gather intel on your ideal scenario. You were an odd bird, but he liked that about you. It’s part of your charm, it’s part of the challenge. You’re not as predictable in your tastes and interests as others can be.

Anakin formulated the interaction step by step, frame by frame in the storyboard of his imagination until he had the perfect scene. His box office hit that he’d replay over and over again until the next time he stood face to face with you.

It took quite some time and a load of practice. Discarded dialogue, awkward movements that made him feel stiff and less than human when he practiced them in the mirror. Endless options of clothes, shoes, and hair.

Should he get a new piercing? He wanted to. So he did, he knew you’d like it.

It’d match the one he already had on the opposite nostril. It made him feel more complete to add something so permanent to his body, he wished he could do something similar with you. He wanted you to be permanent, so maybe it’s his subconscious’s way of telling him that this was going in the right direction.

He was on the right path. His journey of life alone was coming to a close and a new trail would reveal itself. No more rocky, unsteady tread. No more sharp turns and blind spots, no more impossible inclines.

Scraped knees and bloodied hands would be distant memories. Maybe even distant enough that he could toss them into The Pit.

He would have no need for anger or sorrow anymore.

How could he feel anything but the warm embrace of love as he strolled down the flowered path ahead with you?

Who knew that you could position one box in 83 different ways and hate every single one of them? Anakin was so thankful there weren’t any actual surveillance cameras in the apartment building. It’d be really difficult to explain why he was in the hallway for an hour with his hands on his hips, scooting a box of books a centimeter or two at a time. Turning it sideways and then making sure the book on top was perfectly positioned and would effectively fall to the ground to catch your attention.

He checked his watch nonstop, stared at his Tv screen, willing you to just hurry the fuck up before he vomited from anxiety. He’d waited months for this. If he fucked it up now he’d… well he’d probably keel over on the spot.

Which would promptly traumatize you and not even his ghost would be able to peacefully haunt you. It’s hard to peacefully haunt someone if they watched you die, or at least Anakin assumed it would be difficult. He wasn’t willing to test that theory though.

So, he puffed up his chest and walked back into his apartment and rehearsed the upcoming conversation a few more times. He needed, desperately needed to ensure his facial expressions conveyed what he wanted.

Soft, trustworthy, dependable, safe, caring.

He practiced softening his eyes, knowing sometimes he stared alittle too hard. He worked on his facial fidget; chewing on the inside of his cheek was a quick tell of his nervousness. He didn’t want to be perceived as nervous, he wanted to be confident and sure of himself so that you would be confident in your soon to blossom affection for him.

His eyebrows, that’s a hard one, but he’d meticulously watched bar goers trying to flirt. The successful ones he learned, sometimes use their eyebrows in place of questions or words. A difficult concept, but one he studied until he mastered it.

Now, the other facial expressions and mannerisms… he gathered that information from your watch lists on your streaming services. For the visible examples at least, but your books were just as helpful in describing how he should approach you, speak to you, and simply exist near you.

He hadn’t realized these things were this important until now. Standing and posture was surprisingly very, very important to women. As well as hand movements and subtle glances and minuscule changes of expression.

You were worth the time and effort it took to learn all of it. He’d read and research and practice until he couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror any longer. He was determined to make sure you were happy with the results.

He was startled by a loud ping, someone had entered to building and holy shit it was you.

Anakin shook out his hands frantically, remembering the breathing techniques he’d learned as a child, he grounded himself quickly.

It’s okay.

‘She’s gonna love you. She’ll warm up to you quickly, you know everything you need to know about her to make her comfortable and loved.’

‘There’s no way she won’t fall head over heels.’

He smoothed out his band-tee and ran his hands through his hair quickly and headed to his door that was propped open slightly. A few boxes sat in the hall, including the most important one, the one instrumental to his plan.

The apartment hallway was ridiculously tiny, which worked in his favor in this situation.

He heard you come up the stairs, counted your steps until he knew you were almost at the door, 17 and a half steps. Then he swung open the door and bent down to grab one of the boxes.

As expected, he startled you and you dropped your keys. You always wore your backpack on one shoulder, one strap. So when you quickly went to scoop up your keys, your bag swung out of place and toppled a few books from one of the boxes.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Anakin could gloat to himself about his magnificent setup later, right now he needed to woo you with his sweet words.

“Oh, sweetheart I’m sorry.” He said softly, coming over to offer you a hand up.

“It’s okay, my bad.” You laughed, taking his hand.

He managed to keep calm and collected despite his insides boiling him alive at the willing skin contact.

“No, not at all. It’s my fault for startling you like that.” He chuckled, squeezing your upper arm and using his hand already in yours to give you a small handshake. Smooth.

“I’m Anakin.” He said with a bashful smile, dropping your hand and reveling in the lingering warmth your palm left on his.

You introduced yourself in return, gesturing to his apartment door.

“So I take it that you’re my new neighbor huh?” You said, making small talk as you crouched down to pick up the books you’d knocked over.

“No I’m just a one man moving crew.” He grinned.

“Very funny.” You laughed, standing up as you looked through the titles. “Hmm, you’ve got good taste.”

“You think so?” He asked, remembering to make his eyebrows swoop up toward the middle of his forehead to give a quizzical look.

“Oh yeah, this is one of my favorites.” You said, showing him the cover of The Silmarillion by Tolkien.

“Not many people actually read that one, I’m impressed.” He smiled.

“Impressed? Yeah well I’m jealous.” You laughed.

“What?” He chuckled, holding his hands out to take the other books from you.

“This is a really nice edition, it’s similar to mine. I recently lost it.” You sighed. “I think I must’ve left it the park or maybe it fell out of my bag or something.”

“Ah, that sucks… well, I mean I’ve read that one a few times now. It’s been well loved.” He said tipping the books in his arms toward the one you were holding. “Why don’t you keep it?”

He shrugged, acting nonchalant as though this didn’t mean the entire world to him and if you said no he’d sob about it later.

“You’re serious?” You asked in surprise, he was offering you a 50$ special edition book and you’d barely known him for a minute.

“Yeah, ‘course sweetheart.” He said with a cute, crooked smile. “Think of it as a… reverse house warming gift.” He chuckled.

“Thank you, I- this means a lot to me.” You said, grinning widely. “That’s real sweet of you Anakin. I owe you one.”

“No worries.” He chuckled, “I’m sure we’ll find a way to make it even sweetheart.” His gaze flickered quickly from your eyes to your lips, and he turned to go back into his apartment after giving you an almost-missed wink.

You stepped inside your home, and went straight to the bookshelf to put your new-to-you book where it belonged. After the fact you stood there and buffered, just staring at it.

‘There’s no way, this guy has to be too good to be true.’

But he seemed… so genuine. He didn’t ogle you, he didn’t make you feel weird or like he just felt obligated to speak to you.

He seemed to actually, really be a good guy.

Rare. Few and far of those exist in this day and age. It’s uncommon to meet someone who would do something, even as simple as giving you a used book, without expecting anything in return.

But he didn’t seem to expect anything. He didn’t seem to even expect a thank you, it was like he’d already decided he would give it to you before he even offered.

What are the odds that a hot, tattooed and pierced man moves in next door and gifts you an expensive book that just so happens to be an even better replacement for the one that you just lost? That couldn’t happen twice even if you tried to make it happen again.

What kind of second dimension did you step into? The land of dreamy men?

Diary Entry: July 28th

It’s late. But I have to write to you, it can’t wait til tomorrow.

Everything went more perfectly than I could’ve imagined. Thank you so much for being you sweet girl. It made my job of curating the scenery so much easier, you clumsy little thing. I am sorry for having to spook you though, but it worked didn’t it?

Research pays off. Always.

And of course there’s the issue of your book, I hated to see your frustration and your mad scowl when you realized it was missing from your backpack. I really did.

But I’d do it every goddamn day if I knew I’d get the same reaction out of you from giving you that new copy.

Oh god you’re… you’re beautiful. You’re so beautiful. You look angelic when you sleep but you look like competition for Aphrodite when you smile at me.

You smiled, grinned. You smiled all the way up to the corners of your bright and beautiful eyes. For me.

You even laughed for me.

It was so sweet I could taste it. The honey of your voice, I could fucking bathe in it. Just the sound of you speaking, knowing you were speaking to me. Really speaking to me.

In the flesh.

It’s intoxicating. It’s emboldening, it’s dangerous. I’ve never been more worked up in my life. I’m torn all to pieces from at two minute and 6 second conversation.

I think I’ll have to fucking recover from this like a damn hangover.

But what has me so drunk you might ask? Was it your laugh at my stupid jokes? Was it your perfect smile, your radiant glow, your soulful eyes? The softness of your skin or you willingness to let me touch you?

No baby. It’s how you said my name.

I wish I could’ve stayed longer, I wish I could’ve spoken to you more. But it’s so hard to concentrate when my dick is leaking precum down my leg at a rate that should probably be concerning.

The minute you closed that door I shoved those boxes into my apartment and locked the door. Took my elated ass straight to the couch and watched you in your living room, admiring your gift from me while I fucked my fist with a pair of your dirty panties in my mouth.

I couldn’t have your honeyed lips soothing my angry red cock just yet, but I sure as hell could imagine licking your gorgeous little cunt while I tasted you.

I tugged my balls and pumped my cock for over half an hour until I was a fucking mess for you in my new living room’s floor. The cool hardwood letting the heat from my flushed skin seep away from me as I came back down to earth.

I made myself dizzy. Didn’t give myself a break, didn’t slow down, just stroked my cock like the desperate little manwhore that I am for you. The only thing missing was you being there to watch me fall apart.

I think you’d like that wouldn’t you? Watching a man like me get on his knees and beg for you?

Diary Entry: July 29th

I’ve replayed that moment in my head for hours on end. The beginning always stays the same, but the ending… that’s been subject to many changes. It started off simple, we’d chat alittle longer, I’d ask you how your day was; you’d tell me it was ‘fine, thank you’.

Or you’d ask me why I decided to move in, why I chose this side of town, this side of town, this apartment building, across from you. That one always ended questionably and I’d rather not explore that one on paper.

My favorites however were the ones where you’d laugh at a stupid pick-up line and somehow we’d end up in your bed. The bed I’ve sat and watched you sleep in. Those were the best additions.

Now, I’ve been fortunate enough that you’ve been loyal, faithful and devoted to only me since the very beginning. So I don’t really have a clue what you’d actually be like in bed.

But god it’s so fun to imagine it.

You’ve got such pretty, soft skin. You let me mar it up with my teeth and soothe it with my tongue. You let me grip the pillowy flesh of your thighs to spread you open for me. You let me pinch and roll and pull your nipples until they were raw and begging for a break. You let me caress the sensitive slick covered folds between those beautiful pussy lips, plunge my fingers in as far as they’d go.

I took you from behind, watching your perky little ass bounce off my cock while I plowed into you. Your face smushed against the couch cushions and your body folded over the arm rest for me to fuck you like the good little girl that you are.

Against the wall with your arms around my neck while I’ve got my hands holding you spread open and in place by the crook of your knees. You promised you stay real still so that I could drill up into you like you deserved.

God damn. Do you know how good you look like that? Back arched against the wall, tits jiggling in my face with every thrust. Your legs pushed up and back to the sides of your torso, to pin you in place?

It was like a pretty pink flower had bloomed and spread its buttery smooth petals just for me.

Don’t even get me started on how good you suck cock. Have you ever been told you could be mistaken for a warm, wet Hoover? No? Didn’t think so cause that would be rude as hell, but I bet someone’s thought it before.

(Me. It’s me, I thought that.)

Fuck those soft lips. Fuck that smooth snake of a tongue. Fuck that tight, hot throat that just loves to take a beating from my dick.

Can’t wait to prove my imagination right.

Speaking of, my dick has been beat. Like actually. If one didn’t know any better they’d assume it’s on life support, but I’m a freak of nature. Cumming upwards of 16 times in the span of 40ish hours would probably put a weaker man in a hospital bed. Or maybe a psych ward.

But I am not a weak man even if my dick feels raw. I’d still fuck you if you asked.

I’d be curious to know if I’d be able to stave off cumming longer from all the abuse or if I’d be so fucking sensitive that I wouldn’t make it in half an inch.

Probably the latter.

Diary Entry: August 2nd

Being so close to you is killing me. Truly it is.

You’ve sunken your claws so deeply into my very soul and you don’t even realize it. It’s torture. To you, I’m just the new guy, nice dude who gave you a book. But to me? You’re my entire world.

I’ve been told I have the personality of a guard dog. Soft and squishy on the inside, dangerous and fierce on the outside. Which I suppose could be true, but really I think it’s for a different reason. For a human, a dog is one small but very impactful blip in your life. But for the dog? You are it’s life.

Am I comparing myself to a dog right now? Yes I am.

I’ll beg for you to throw me the scraps of your affections until you finally toss me a bone.

Bark.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

I’ve been trying my best to give you space. To plan accordingly and in advance. I have our next two interactions simmering on the back burner.

I know that if I go too hard, too fast, you’ll be overwhelmed. That’s the last thing I want. I never want to be the thing that causes you stress, I want to siphon it from you. So, in one week I will set out to help you with a few of your errands and plant a few seeds.

But until then, we have late night snacks and couch chats with Boogie.

I’ve also been doing- you guessed it- more research to do with helpful vitamins and medicines. You’ve responded so well to your SleepyTime tea and since I’ve started making sure your birth control packet is plainly visible in the countertop basket directly beneath that cabinet, you’ve been taking it so well.

I’m so proud of you sweetheart, that’s my girl, look at you taking care of yourself. You’ve done so well in fact, that it’s in my personal opinion that you have earned a very special reward.

Anakin sat on his couch, the live feed of your living room screen mirrored to his Tv. He was watching you cook dinner, he knew you’d be making a stir fry. He’d seen it in your planner, so he’d taken the liberty of ordering himself the same, it’d be here any minute. As would your good friend Sam.

Anakin had originally burned red hot with jealousy at the thought of you inviting a man over to your apartment, that he hadn’t vetted via social media and a quick drop-in. But he was relieved to discover that Sam was just a girl from your book club.

This wasn’t one of his well thought out plans, this was decided upon this morning after you’d returned from book club. So, he was anxious to see if his hunches served him well. Sam seemed like a punctual gal, at least from what he’d seen on social media and the text messages between the two of you from weeks/months before.

Anakin had the wonderful idea to log into your cell service providers website to pull your deleted messages from their data bank. You really should have better passwords.

The thing he was most worried about was his door dasher arriving on time. It was rare that one was too far off on arrival time, but it would be his shit luck and lack of planning that could ruin this little glimpse of you.

The minutes ticked by and he was alerted to the new motion sensors he’d placed near the LED pathway lights on the paved entrance to the apartment building. He quickly switched over to the hallway feed at the front door, seeing that it was his door dasher.

Damn you Trevor. How dare you get there before Sam.

Not to worry, he’d call for the door code and Anakin wouldn’t answer the first time. It wasn’t much but it would buy him a few seconds.

Though it seemed to be that luck was on his side as it often was when it came to you. Sam was so kind, kind enough to let the delivery guy into the building. Which is technically a security concern but Trevor didn’t seem like the type of guy who’d be able to remember a 6 digit door code.

He was too busy staring at your friends ass to pay attention to the numbers she entered anyway.

The footsteps approached your door and his, Anakin waited until he heard Sam knock on your door before he opened his. Trevor stood patiently as Anakin slowly counted out his tip in cash and thankfully you were quick to let your friend inside. After the exchange was complete Anakin gave you a smile and wave.

He could’ve had a heart attack at the response you gave him.

A flirty little finger waggle and smile.

He had to remind himself to breathe and keep his expression a happy-neutral. He’d hate for you to see his blushing cheeks this early on.

“Have a good night girls.” He said as he closed his door and to his surprise you actually answered.

“You too!”

If he weren’t confident that you were a sweet and loving soul, he’d think you were trying to kill him with the siren song of your voice.

Stir fry had never tasted so fucking good.

Diary Entry: July 8th

Grocery day baby, here I come.

I love that you’re so predictable. I love that you’re so fucking cute and always try to strong arm your groceries in one trip. I love that it takes at least two good whacks to the trunk of your shitty old Nissan to properly close it.

It’s cute to watch you struggle with it, the annoyed huffs and angry scowl.

I thought you’d combust on the spot once when your paper grocery bag of flour and sugar ripped open and sent a plume of flour up on your black jeans. The parking lot was very empty and I was very glad because I’d hate for someone to have seen the cursing contest you had with yourself as you picked up your spilled items. Very unladylike you know. But it’s you so I don’t mind, I just like to hear you talk.

It’s almost time. I’ve been sitting in my car for about 10 minutes. Gotta account for the traffic on highway 76. Do you really have to shop all the way out there just because of the Whole Foods? C’mon baby they have the same shit at Kroger.

I’ve been watching your little blue dot on my phone and you’re rounding the corner so I’ll write you later doll.

I love you.

You pulled into the parking lot and sat in your car for a moment. Giving yourself the much need quiet to decompress from your work day and the grocery trip. After you’d checked your messages and scrolled for a moment you decided it was time to head inside before your frozen foods got… not so frozen.

You popped the trunk and fumbled with the faulty latch, your fingers feeling blindly under the metal lip until it finally detached and you were able to open the trunk.

You took a deep breath and scolded yourself for buying the extra few things that could’ve waited till next time. Second trips are for wimps and you weren’t one. So you loaded up your left arm bag by bag until you heard a humored puff of air and the beep of a car locking behind you.

“Need a hand sweetheart?” Anakin grinned, shoving his keys into his front pocket.

He waltzed over and took a few bags off your hands without waiting for a response. It took you aback, not because he hadn’t waited for permission, but because of the way he exuded an odd charm that made you falter.

“Anakin, really it’s alright I can get it.” You said, eyebrows furrowed together in confusion by his kind gesture.

“Mmm no, this seems like a two man mission sweet girl.” He smiled, gathering up a few the last few bags from the trunk and shutting it with one solid push.

“You really don’t have to-“

“I know I don’t have to.” He said tilting his head toward the apartment building to encourage you to walk with him. “I want to.”

“Thank you, that’s… thanks.” You smiled, a light blush creeping across your cheeks.

“Atta girl.” He chuckled, tapping in the door code and holding it open for you despite holding many more bags than you.

Something about the low tone of voice or maybe just the way he looked at you with his icey blue eyes… just sent a chill down your spine. A quick one that was gone in an instant, replaced by a warm glow in the center of your chest.

“Guess chivalry’s not dead.” You joked.

“I’m no knight.” He laughed, “but you’re sure as hell a princess.”

‘Oh that was smooth.’ You thought, trying to ignore the heat at the bottom of your stomach.

What is happening? How on earth can one man be so… everything? Kind, caring, chivalrous and gorgeous to boot.

You felt a wave of embarrassment at the squeaky giggle you let out. He had you tore up from one little comment.

True to the gentleman he seemed to be, he chose not to push it and tease you about your beet red cheeks. He just waited patiently for you as you unlocked your door.

“Do you want me to bring these in for you?” He asked, watching your movements closely.

“Oh that would be great.” You said in relief, leading him into your kitchen.

“Cute little place.” He said, looking around the kitchenette and over to the living room.

He sat down your bags on the counter and started unloading them neatly into rows.

“Oh, you-“

“Mmm mmm.” He shook his head with a smirk, “Just let me help, it’s no big deal.”

You let out a puff of air in an amused sort of amazement and pulled out your little step stool to open up the cabinets. Anakin snickered from behind you as you stepped up and started putting things away.

You shot him a glare over your shoulder and almost said something snarky until you realized he was folding your paper grocery bags in the same way that you always do.

“Huh.” You laughed. “I thought I was the only one who did that.”

“Did what?” He asked, his head cocked to the side.

“Fold the bags.” You said, turning back around to continue placing your things where they belonged.

“Oh,” he chuckled, “I dunno it’s just a habit I guess. Fits better in that stupid slot on the recycling bin this way.”

“Yeah I never really understood why they made them that way? I guess so people don’t just shove other trash in there.” You mused.

“Mmhm probably.” He agreed, stacking them neatly and gathering it in his hands. “Do you want me to take these out back for you?”

“I can do-“ You stopped yourself when Anakin raised his eyebrow and cocked his head to the side with a crooked smirk.

You sighed and gave him a downturned smile. “Yes, I would love for you to take them out back for me.”

“Good girl.” He nodded, clicking his tongue and heading for the door. “See ya princess.”

After he shut the door you let yourself breathe alittle easier, blowing out the air in a short puff through your nose. Maybe even letting a little smile cross your lips before you finished up your task.

You’d be thinking about that low rumble of his voice later. Good girl? Shit.

PART FIVE

Tag-List:

@wickedtactics @tsugumiholic @kingdomhate @burnthecheshirewitch @exquisitcorpse @arzua10 @bby-imasociopath @depressed-kay @aliciaasky @naty-1001 @mrsmikaelsxn @bunnylovesani @ausskywalker @angelsadmired @slut4starwarssmut @chocolatepalacecloudhoagie @starkiller419 @hearts4mitski4 @lethargic @allhailbuckybarnes-blog @shadowhuntyi @mortalheartache @fallinlovewithevil @sythethecarrot @chaoticantihero @vadersslut @luvvfromme @anakinsbaee @doblasftcisco @sweetcheesecakesblog @luvskywxlker @angelsadmired @kaminokatie @anakin-pilled @graveyard-stray @styleslytherin @chiaraanatra @jediavengers @zapernz @lunalitva @salted-snailz @queenofchaos99 @ellie-luvsfics @dazednstars141 @nico-velvet @rorysbrainrot @hopesworlld @mawhOre @lonaah @t8Izw @guiltycherries

Let me know if you wanna be added/removed

[thecrownestt]

What actually happens when I turn on the switch?

I've seen the habits. I've seen the impulsiveness.

"I want something fried right nowwww." Noted, very noted.

"Ohhhh I could go for that custard place right now." Mhm. Yep. Tell me more.

"The pizza there is good! I've had it before." We weren't even dating yet. I can only assume you ate an entire pizza in one sitting based on your...physique.

So what happens. I decide to lean into it. I decide you are going to get fatter.

Then what? You are too cozy with me by then. You get to act out your food cravings with me without judgement as it is. You enjoy the praise, the touches, the gratification of a partner who lets you be YOU.

You wanted a partner who embraced you. You got one. Good. You wanted a partner who didn't judge your ways. Nailed it. Now you're stuck with someone who knows how to ply your weaknesses. Bad.

Do you reallyyyyy want to leave the house so much? Do you reallyyyyy get upset that your leggings aren't fitting? I hear you complain that it's "too much," as if you want to go back into the dating world and find someone who may deprive you of the justices you need around food.

You don't want to get better. You don't want to be a more accomplished, distinguished girlie. You deliberately fell into the lap of an enabler who didn't tell you to change.

Now he's forcing it. The dark thoughts you get when you're in the afterglow of a nightmare binge. You already overdid it today. Fuck it. What's another cheeseburger. Just hit that itch one more time today. Now you are stuck with someone who not only allows it...he actively recognizes those moments.

It pushes you out of social engagement. You CAN'T go out and interact with people, not like this. "What have you been up to these days?" Do you really want to spin some lies? What excuse can justify the last six months and the reason you had to size up for a new top...again? Isn't it exhausting to play that game?

Your only hope is I find the humanity in me to...stop doing enabling you to do exactly what you psychotically decide to want. Like an animal. Eat until you can't move. Just scarf down food. Lay. Groan. Give up on the day. Cut people out of your life. It's ok. They only liked you for your interests and personality. You've sapped that away.

Back to the original question: what happens when I decide you will get fatter?

I can almost hear the whirring of the bariatric bed right now.

[butchnetpicker]

Disclaimer: im critical of hb. Look at my username goddamit

Some of you hb criticals are really fucking weird and ableist towards people with mental illness ngl. I haven’t interacted much in the community myself because i have been working on my own mental health snd getting a diagnosis and proper meds(aytypical anti psychotics) and jesus fuck why are people claiming vivziepop is ‘delusional’ and viv fans are ‘mentally ill’ just because they’re being an asshole or lying or have slightly weird ideas. And dont fucking give me ‘ohhj i grew up around mental illness so i know this is it’ or ‘ohh the hb fans are impacting my mrntal health’ grow the fuck up or delete your account. Vivziepop isnt ‘delusional’ just because she has a shitty, stupid discourse opinion that a ton of 30 year old bisexual women on the internet share. She’s just a person who falls for bad retoric, she doesn’t have a condition that causes delusions and your shithead words would be way fucking worse and so much more dangerous if she genuinely did, i can tell you that.

And if not liking hb is giving you mental health problems maybe try not being so stubborn and fixated on that? Get consueling if it’s too too much for your poor hater mind?

Because i can guarantee that it isn’t giving you an actual psychological condition, and if it’s enhancimg one you already had, you should totally stop engaging with anyone involved and log out. Focus on ocs or something maybe.

Trust me, my autism gave me a SPINTREST on hb critique and even i am not as much of a fucking weirdo and loser as these people who are claiming vivziepop has a condition that makes her have delusions. Seriously fuck off you are poisoning the hb critical community. This is the reason i’ve been posting nearly nothing related to hb you guys. Too tired. The fans think narracustic abuse is a real term and the criticals think everyone who wrote it is mentally ill for no reason.

I’m not fighting anyone in the comments or rbs so don’t even try because i am DONE with these shitheads , i am honestly only saying this for my followers so know if you try to argue with me i’ll delete your comment

[perryabbott]

ben being the "only adult" hasn't actually mattered since the crash. it was subtle at first but then laura lee essentially tells him to shut the fuck up and the energy has a noticeable shift. there's a similar moment in 1.10 and all of that just solidifies it for ben: his "authority" means nothing out here. i do personally think some of it stems from the loss of his leg and his having to rely on the girls (i don't think any of them recognize that/outwardly think bad about him because of his disability, but it's a survival situation and it's impossible to not have that influence so much of their dynamics) but regardless, "adult" is a qualifier that's been meaningless for months now. we never really see ben have any interactions with the kids besides nat and travis (no, i will not be mentioning misty since she assaulted him, thanks!) like. he has spent his entire life being Othered. and he is still Other out here. because of his age. his gender. his disability. he is so completely and utterly alone. he is in the process of a mental breakdown. i truly don't understand how people are reading these scenes with paul as "flashbacks" or acting like they're willing at this point and not the product of his incredibly fragile mindset. paul's home was the cabin in 206. he could still hear the screaming. his mind is breaking down. no, his "gay fantasies" were not more important than shauna. it's a psychotic break. did no one see him almost pass out? (he's consistently had physical reactions to blood/injury. btw) does no one remember he didn't eat jackie, and probably hasn't eaten much since then?

does no one realize he can't exactly kneel in front of shauna and do anything meaningful because he's disabled?

but really, what can he even do? he isn't a "health teacher." i'm going to assume a lot of the people acting as if he has some kind of educational qualifications aren't american. i feel like it's pretty common in america for "health class" to be taught by a PE teacher/coach with no background in it who just plays video and reads out of a book. he doesn't have a medical history. he literally says, "i just press play on a video." no, misty and akilah aren't trained, but misty clearly paid attention in class and akilah's sister had given birth. they do know more than ben.

and no, ben didn't look at shauna and go, "that's gross." the blatant homo- (and transphobia) in acting like a gay man was just "disgusted" by childbirth is just disappointing to see.

if you really want to be upset by ben's actions, obviously, you can be. maybe he could have done more to be comforting but i just don't think he could have "saved" the baby. it was already dead. to blame him, to act like he willfully killed the baby/did not care about shauna, is just silly. to say that the disabled gay man needs to kill himself so the girls can eat him now is an insane take. to act like he needs to be punished for something out of his control is stupid. to single him out when he was far from the only one being "useless" is just weird. why is there a sudden lack of critical thought re: his character?

and can we wait to see everyone's reactions before deciding everyone hates him for it?

[funishment-time]

(more miuposting) thank you all for

being mature and understanding that just because some of my faves are the Problematic Girls doesn't mean i think it's good they behave that way or that we should all put up with people who behave that way etcetera. i'm so traumatized by Twitter Tactics still ha ha.

anyway

it seems we've all come around on Toko but i know a lot of folks still shy away from the golden girl Iruma Miu. and i get it. i would never say you Need to like Miu, nor am i offended when people dislike her: she is extreme in a way that i think even surpasses Toko.

Miu is selfish and Miu crosses boundaries and Miu is really horribly rude at the worst times. however, Miu also, canonically/semi-canonically:

has psychotic breaks/delusions and depersonalizes (Shuichi FTs)

is so excited someone's paying attention to her that she doesn't mind if it's a fight/negative (Kaede FTs)

admits that her personality is an act (Love Hotel)

is so lonely she's willing to have a baby just to ensure her partner doesn't Leave (Love Hotel)

doesn't have Friends (Kaede FTs/Summer Camp)

is actually quite bothered she has no Friends but Toko does (Summer Camp)

acts surprised that Kaede is worried about her (Kaede FTs)

admits no one pays attention to her Inventions very much (Shuichi FTs) and invites Kaede for a sleepover the moment Kaede does (Summer Camp)

gets provoked by Kokichi for no reason, constantly, in a weird sexualized way (most of her English interactions with Kokichi - i'm told it comes off differently in Japanese)

continually talks about how no one understands her (every FT ever)

immediately falls in love with Shuichi in an Obsessive way because he acted like any person would and stopped her from self-harm (Shuichi FTs)

is genuinely sad when she thinks Shuichi doesn't want to be near her (Shuichi FTs/LATU scenes)

this is all unsurprising to me, because most people don't even try to talk to her like she's a Human Being, and when they do, they immediately get mad/aggressive and won't de-escalate. no, i don't expect Therapist Talk out of DR characters, but man, fucking...of course she's a weirdo who thinks she's a cyborg, when you even have Shuichi saying it's creepy when she's happy:

in her mind, he only ever Cares about her when she's having a breakdown! he considers her Pube Blood Food a sign of a "genuine" love confession! Miu's behavior makes total sense to me.

this does not Justify how she is, no. but i see a lonely and alienated girl who decided to act out in an attempt to get some attention, even if it's bad. Miu reads as severely mentally ill to me and just because her mental illness isn't cute, aesthetic, or quiet doesn't mean she doesn't deserve healing.

[darkwing-katy]

Ohhhhh, I had a Lost character in mind, but actually, if you have any fun thoughts on Anyanka from BTVS, could you share? 002 in the ask game

Link to the ask game here (I hope—been a while since I linked stuff on here)

How I feel about this character: Anya is sooooo underrated at times. Like she’s ridiculous and a bit psychotic but she was a literal vengeance demon and I love that about her. I love that she becomes human and has to learn how to be human. Her monologue in “The Body” makes me sob every time because she’s feeling something for the first time and it’s just…poignant. Anya is also so fucking funny. I drew a really bad comic once where I sent her fanart that was a bunch of pictures of bunnies and she freaked out. She’s not my favorite character, but I appreciate her and was shook when she didn’t make it out by the end of the series.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: like, I ship her and Xander, but I am forever pissed off that he ditched her.

My non-romantic OTP: I don’t know if I really have one for Anya, but I really like her interactions with Giles when she works for him. I dunno, I think they have a fun relationship. And I feel like I remember something fun between her and Spike, but it’s been a long time since I last watched the show so I could be misremembering.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t think I have one that I can think of right now, alas.

Something I wish had happened in canon: Xander hadn’t left her at the altar and she survived the end of the series.

My OTP: Again, I guess Anya and Xander?

My crossover ship: I don’t really have one for Anya, but having her interact with almost anyone in different fandoms would be hilarious. I think it’d be hilarious to have her interact with the Twelfth Doctor.

A head canon fact: weirdly enough, I don’t think I have one, but now I wanna rewatch the whole series to see if I can come up with something!

Thanks for asking!!!! I’ve been thinking of doing a BTVS rewatch for a while now and this is motivating me to do it!

Also random side note—I’m so amused that you chose Anyanka of all characters because I named a rabbit after her in my LOST fanfic

[epictoonstudios]

I took away all of his whimsy for the fun of it

Content warning for just venting and a suicide attempt mention

I actually feel like shit. I have been causing so many problems because of my health. My parents might have to sell our house for my stupid hospital bills. My sister could get taken away because we’ve had three cps cases because of my mental health. (My parents aren’t abusive don’t worry.) If I mess up again they’ll come again and they’ll take more from me. People just keep on taking more from me. Around September I couldn’t go to school. I came out of a mental hospital around that time too. I had to stay home for two months. The only interaction with people I had was therapy and family. I started having psychotic episodes. I went back to school and I wasn’t really a functional person. It’s been so fucking long since I’ve been a functional person. I constantly had absences. I ended up attempting suicide late February. I broke glass and picked up the pieces of off the ground. My parents stopped me before I could really do anything. A really small piece of glass ended up in my foot. There was a lot of blood for such a small wound though. They kinda just. Brushed it off. Stuff like this always happens because of me. I was really desperate. My therapist told me to call the cops on myself to put me in a mental hospital. But I have really bad experiences with them and they kinda scare me. But I was desperate for some sort of help. I was really desperate. I ended up talking to the school counselor. They tried hospitalizing me. But my parents were like haha nah. They also told me I would fail the school year if i continued going there. Even though I was passing and had good grades. This was kinda the final straw for them with me and my mental illness was just too much for them. (Plus another person told them about my problems during that time.)

So we had another cps case and my parents put me in a special needs school. It was really miserable. It was clear I didn’t belong there. It made me feel like I failed. I failed. I had to re experience sitting alone at recess again as a high schooler. Yes they had recess. It made me feel stupid being constantly treated like a little kid haha. I often thought about going back to public school as like my one hope. I was so so sure of it. I haven’t been able to see my therapist as much I usually do because my parents have been booking less appointments. Though my therapist hasn’t really been the most healthy relationship I have in my life. It really feels like I need her and can’t live without her. She’s been controlling most of my actions and decisions for the past two years and look where I’m at now. I feel like the people I care about don’t care about me as much as I care about them. I could be gone for months and it wouldn’t really affect anyone. I don’t that always happens to me. Months of isolation nothing unusual. My parents told me I’m going to another private special needs school. I just wanted to be a normal functional person with my friends. That was too much to ask for. Everything was too much to ask for. Sorry for just venting on Tumblr I feel hopeless.

[positivelybeastly]

🖤 for Pietro!

attractiveness:

repulsive / hideous / ugly / not attractive / unappealing / not unattractive / meh / no preference / ok / mildly attractive / nice looking / cute / adorable / attractive / pleasant on the eyes / good looking / hot / sexy / beautiful / gorgeous / hot damn / would tap that / perfect / godlike / holy fuck there are no words.

So, Hank has known Pietro for, god, pretty much 20 years at this point, starting off of course with the Brotherhood, then being comrades on the Avengers, going through *gestures at all of that* - and, while he has immense respect for the growth that Pietro has gone through, and can absolutely appreciate that he's quite a handsome man in his own right, with sculpted cheekbones and quite the smile . . . there's still a part of him that does still see a little bit of Pietro's father when he looks at him. Juuuust a little bit of the man who Hank started his whole superhero thing off fighting, dodging missiles and all. He could grow to get over it, but it makes appreciating him as an attractive being - tricky, in ways, at least to start with.

personality:

grating / irritating / frustrating / boring / confusing at best / awkward / unreasonable / psychotic / disturbing / interesting / engaging / affectionate / aggressive / ambitious / anxious / artistic / bad tempered / bossy / charismatic / appealing / unappealing / creative / courageous / dependable / unreliable / unpredictable / predictable / devious / dim / extroverted / introverted / egotistical / gregarious / fabulous / impulsive / intelligent / sympathetic / talkative / up beat / peaceful / calming / badass / flexible.

Hank honestly does find Pietro frustrating and confusing on a base level, but if he peels things back and really thinks about it, he can very much understand why Pietro is the way he is - he knows exactly what it's like to live in a world where it feels like everyone else is going too slowly for your liking, even if the root causes of that are very different for them both. He also immensely respects his commitment to his loved ones (Hank adores Wanda, and has notably sided with trying to help or protect her whenever even Avengers or X-Men would do her harm) and believes he's trying to do the right thing, even if he doesn't always succeed . . . something else Hank's grown to sympathise with as he's grown older.

how likely they would have sex with them:

not if they were the last person on earth and the world was ending / fuck no! / never / no way / not likely / not sure / indifferent / I’m asexual / maybe / probably / it depends / fairly likely / likely / yeah sure / yes / would tap that / hell yes / fuck yes! / wishing that could happen right now / as many times as possible / we are already having sex.

Honestly, a question that could go any which way! Hank's a pretty open minded fella, there's not many people he immediately thinks of as complete sexual no-zones (though the ones he does, they are NO-ZONES), though he's unlikely to make the first move. He honestly would never even think he's on Pietro's radar.

level of friendship:

never in a million years / worst of enemies / enemies / rivals / indifferent / neutral / acquaintance / friendly toward each other / casual friends / friends / good friends / best friends / fuck buddies / bosom buddies / practically the same person / would die for them / true friends / my only friend.

I can't think of a ton of direct interactions between them, but there's one I really love from classic Avengers after Pietro finds out he's going to be a dad that I always think about. Like, this is just fucking cute, and I have to think that Hank and Pietro must get along decently if he's willing to take a fairly strong pat on the back like that.

first impression of them:

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.

First impression was Brotherhood of Mutants, soooo, very much not a positive impression, and it took a while to clear up, since Scott was the first one to really get hints that Pietro and Wanda didn't want to be pulled into Magneto's madness with the whole Santo Marco debacle - even if he'd told Hank and co., it'd take a while for it to sink in. Plus, even when they were friendlier (e.g. the First Class comics), Pietro was still kind of an immature dink. :P

current impression of them:

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.

Again, last interaction I can think of is years ago, from maybe Children's Crusade or something off-panel during the pre-Fall of X Uncanny Avengers, but Hank's always respected Pietro's unwavering commitment to trying to be better, even if it doesn't. You know. Always work out that way.

[saiyanandproud]

🖤 + Lila or whoever you want lol

send 🖤 and my character will answer about yours.

attractiveness:

repulsive / hideous / ugly / not attractive / unappealing / not unattractive / meh / no preference / ok / mildly attractive / nice looking / cute / adorable / attractive / pleasant on the eyes / good looking / hot / sexy / beautiful / gorgeous / hot damn / would tap that / perfect / godlike / holy fuck there are no words.

"Lila? Yeah, I consider her an attractive woman," she says tersely. "I mean, isn't she? I think most people would agree on it."

personality:

grating / irritating / frustrating / boring / confusing at best / awkward / unreasonable / psychotic / disturbing / interesting / engaging / affectionate / aggressive / ambitious / anxious / artistic / bad tempered / bossy / charismatic / appealing / unappealing / creative / courageous / dependable / unreliable / unpredictable / predictable / devious / dim / extroverted / introverted / egotistical / gregarious / fabulous / impulsive / intelligent / sympathetic / talkative / up beat / peaceful / calming / badass / flexible.

"I would also add 'patient'," she hums, reading the list of adjectives while tapping her lips. "I mean, she did teach me how to bake a bit. And according to everyone in Conton," she huffs with an eyeroll, "it does take quite some guts. Also it's nice to talk to her, she has good advices and is a good teacher." She pauses for a moment. "I think she's pretty motherly, too."

how likely they would have sex with them:

not if they were the last person on earth and the world was ending / fuck no! / never / no way / not likely / not sure / indifferent / I’m asexual / maybe / probably / it depends / fairly likely / likely / yeah sure / yes / would tap that / hell yes / fuck yes! / wishing that could happen right now / as many times as possible / we are already having sex.

"I don't mean it in a bad way, it's just she's not my type!" She says, nervously shaking her hands in the air. "I can see how other people would consider it, again, she is good looking and... I don't know, she seems confident in that area. Good for her," she grumbles.

level of friendship:

never in a million years / worst of enemies / enemies / rivals / indifferent / neutral / acquaintance / friendly toward each other / casual friends / friends / good friends / best friends / fuck buddies / bosom buddies / practically the same person / would die for them / true friends / my only friend.

"I'm not sure we're close. We don't know each other personally very well, after all," she considers. "But we did chat quite a bit. If asked whether we're on friendly terms, I'd be a yes on my end."

first impression of them:

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.

"Truth to be told, our first interaction went quite badly," she admits with a nervous laugh. She reaches behind to scratch her nape. "I guess I was too straightforward... As per always. And unsurprisingly, I ticked her off. I hope I didn't say anything too hurtful, back then."

current impression of them:

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.

"Overall, I think she's pretty badass," she admits. "I guess it's a confidence that comes with age and experience? Though I'm not sure I'll ever be like that," she confesses with an awkward shrug. "But yeah, Lila is alright, I'm glad I got a chance to know her a bit better. I only wish she stopped insinuating stuff about me," she adds with a frown. "If people don't like me doing it for them, then the feeling should be reciprocated."

[neuromantis]

i literally fucking doubt i managed to have autism, SZA, OCD and a dissociative disorder all at once. i hate these labels, because sure, i fit them really well, but listing them off feels like bragging in the current internet climate. also feels a lot like faking.

i can say that i am psychotic. or obsessive/paranoid. or delusional. that i hear voices or believe my dead sister lives inside of my head or think god talks to me or that i believe that if i think a bad thought, bad things will happen or that sometimes i act in ways that make me unrecognizable to others.

but people just expect me to rattle this contradictory mess of medical jargon at them. it's easier, to be labeled and judged on those labels. i am not any of the labels. ever. i am a disgusting mess of symptoms and neuroses which interact in different ways and make me who i am (loosely speaking)

[vizthedatum]

Decisions to protect myself

More and more, I am giving myself permission (it was always within my power) to protect myself.

I couldn't when I was growing up with my mom - not even to the police who showed up when she physically abused me so badly when I was six - I didn't want them to take me away - I lied - I kept lying my whole life - I knew she loved me but I also knew what she was doing was wrong - and I thought I was wrong and that I deserved it. I thought I deserved it all. I deeply thought I was stupid and if I tried harder, I wouldn't be such a stupid child. Nothing I did in my life made them think I wasn't ruining my life. They'd mock me telling me how I wouldn't get into community college... and I fucking made it into an Ivy League (I made it broken and shattered but regardless). And now, now that I'm out as trans and completely redefining my life... they think I've lost it.

--

That's it, right?

The moment I show who I am... when it goes against what you wanted me to be, that's when you think I've lost it.

After all the excuses and the effort I put into ALL of you - the moment that I need support... real support, you leave.

I was completely discarded by my spouse and their entire family - FAMILY who I considered my own. They did nothing to help me. My MIL, who I loved, .... she didn't get it. I had to cut off ties with her because she didn't understand why I was calling it domestic violence. I knew she would side with her child so I let her go.

--

What did it look like from the outside??

It's so easy to look at me like I'm crazy, I guess. I'm unreliable when I'm being gaslit and controlled. When I'm pleading with myself that they're not really doing anything wrong. When I only showcase the good and not the bad. See me crying - trying to reason with my abuser who I loved - listen to them explain how crazy and unreasonable I am....

I went to therapy for years. I maintained my friendships. I have documented how physically ill I was - in my medical chart. I was having severe flares. I was having symptoms I couldn't explain. I'd go nonverbal. Sometimes my body would just give up.

I fought for our relationship to the best of my ability until I realized I was in serious danger.

They did not fight for us - they just thought they were right.

They had a six-figure job, kept me trapped within our home due to fear of covid, berated me, denied how serious the emotional abuse was, didn't work on repairing our relationship, did NOT seek therapy or any external help, refused to come up with solutions with me, imposed ultimatums, convinced their ex (babe, you're not a great mental health advocate if you're going around telling people I'm having a psychotic breakdown - bc even if I were, that's ableist! You literally could have done the noble thing and refused to interact with me - but you didn't - you cruelly defended your ex because you sided with them) that I'm making shit up, tried to get me to block my lovers (and they knew about each and every one of them - I did not keep shit from them) despite not blocking their exes, convinced me systematically to let go of friendships and isolate myself, undermined my sense of worth, REFUSED TO GET HELP FOR OUR MOUSE INFESTATION THAT WAS WORSE THAN OUR RISK FOR COVID OMFG WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, tried to take my meds away, judged me for being so ill I couldn't do things, threw tantrums when I needed my own space, probably called me abusive when I left food in the sink which I tried so hard not to do (it only happened bc I needed to stage how I did dishes (Oh yeah, I did dishes most of the time because they couldn't - did y'all know that? Did y'all know how much household coordination I did while being chronically ill and in pain? They hated asking for help so I had to either beg them to help me when I was physically weak, pay for people to help, plead/beg for them to allow people to help us, or do it myself) because of my fatigue and illness you ableist dumb motherfucker... and more. And the last time we had sex, it was rape. It undoubtedly was. You had such little empathy for me that you can't even tell. You made my life miserable because I went to MN and left you alone because I had to go help my brother - something you knew I would do in a heartbeat. You denied how badly you were hurting so you hurt me instead. You hurt your best friend and spouse who LOVED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. Look at me now - does it look like I'm having a breakdown? Is my rage all a joke to you? You think I'm insane because you don't think I'm allowed to have my valid feelings? Does it make you happy to know that you destroyed your relationship with your autistic, trans, brown, traumatized spouse who loved you so much? Do you acknowledge that I'm finally able to live my life? I can move more - look at how different I look - my inflammation is down - and I do not care if I am putting myself at covid-risk (I'm vaccinated and more knowledgeable about my risk because I'm a fucking epidemiologist who knows that my social needs are just as important than preventing infection). Do I need to spell it out for you? I tried so hard to diagnose what was going wrong with my life... it was you (and my mom and all my trauma), but acutely, it was you.

And if you had worked on yourself and us - I would have stayed with you forever.

I really hope the divorce gets finalized this year.

Next time, I'm having a prenup, a huge wedding, couple's therapy wayyyy before we get married, an insistence on inner work for the both of us (this is a requirement for all relationships from here on out), and more.

I deserve the fucking world, and I hate that you all almost had me believing that I did not.

[neuroticboyfriend]

hello, i am the school newspaper anon!

i understand so much how it's like to be weird lol! unfortunately, i am very bad at masking, so i'm always seen as a weirdo.

i remember when i would use a lot of neologisms and speak in a literary manner. it was quite weird, but one girl literally told me that i speak like jane eyre, and that was the best compliment i've received. x) but right now my words are drowning in alogia, so i'm not that good at it anymore.

i think that being weird is an art x) someone will find you cool, no matter how much weirdness you have.

i have, of course, sacrificed social interaction and love from other people for being myself and embracing my unusual mind, but does it worth it? i don't really know. it is a very nuanced and philosophical question.

i have a very difficult time masking haha.... but i am trying very hard to improve my social skills (today i complimented 6 beautiful girls!) and use my mental illness as an inspiration for my art and embracing it in drawing, sculpting and designing instead of being weird.

my brain is buffering rn but i think youre pretty cool :) i like art too and when i was severely psychotic i would make the weirdest fucking art. its great.

[70eeznutz]

i’m gonna make a better intro/pinned post bc fuck it

i interact from @evervirescent, i also run a dragonvale blog @the-obsidian-equinox

about me

pronoun page

you can call me Virescent or Hades

neither are my legal name, Hades is a nickname someone gave me a long time ago bc it sounds similar to my legal name and i realized it works well online

genderfluid she/he/they

(i often get confused if someone switches between different pronouns really fast when referring to the same person if multiple people are being mentioned. also i’m afab so i’m most used to she/her but i really have no preference. i don’t mind if you only use one pronoun for me, especially if that makes it easier for you)

adult (born in 2004)

pacific time zone (california)

white & grew up upper middle class with good parents, so please educate me if there’s something i wouldn’t understand!

autistic

mentally ill, but no personality or psychotic disorders

i do have a few triggers but they’re very specific

as an attempt survivor, i have no tolerance for telling someone to take their own life. it doesn’t matter how universally hated that person might be. if i see someone do this, i will block and report them, unless i can clearly tell it’s a joke. i would also prefer if people don’t make those jokes around me unless i’ve given the okay.

blog content

in theory i can write and draw but i almost never make fan content for anxiety reasons IM DOING IT GUYS!! IM GODDAMN DOING IT!!

i usually just post memes or talk about xfohv and algebralians a normal amount

i might talk or reblog about other object shows too. occasionally.

i try to tag things that may be uncomfortable or triggering but i do not do a perfect job. if you need me to tag something please leave a reply to the post in question

sometimes I misspell words or use slang and abbreviations that likely won’t work in a translator, so if you would like me to write something in a way that’s easier to translate, just let me know!

i don’t kin or simp for any characters but i can project onto them really really hard

my favorite posts will be tagged with #pinned to the fridge

my favorite ships are sevensix, 4X, nineflop, and three x five

i also love queerplatonic eight x ten

if you want to know the exact details of everything i ship and in what ways you can go to #xfohv ship chart but be warned as i use homestuck concepts

you can repost my memes just don’t claim they’re yours (i actually get excited when i see smth i made somewhere else)

on the topic of discourse/etc (don’t worry!)

i try my best to keep an open mind and see from the perspective of all sides of various topics

i will not disclose my stance on any topics because i want to keep my blog discourse free, and i also want to interact with people of different opinions so i can privately learn and understand everyone better. this does still mean i have sides i agree and disagree with, but these aren’t set in stone and aren’t relevant right now.

i believe no one actually wants to be the bad guy and most people are only trying to help, so we should all work together to find out how to help as many people as we can. we should discuss instead of argue, and mutually work toward fully understanding these topics

i will still block people who go out of their way to harass or attack others ESPECIALLY if they encourage harm on anyone

needless to say, i have no DNI, but you still might not want to follow me if you’re not comfortable with the above information. i don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable here.

this post may be updated in the future if i think of something i want to add but for now that’s it

[positivelybeastly]

🖤(for bobby? ^_^)

attractiveness:

repulsive / hideous / ugly / not attractive / unappealing / not unattractive / meh / no preference / ok / mildly attractive / nice looking / cute / adorable / attractive / pleasant on the eyes / good looking / hot / sexy / beautiful / gorgeous / hot damn / would tap that / perfect / godlike / holy fuck there are no words.

Classic bear/twunk synergy going on here, tbh. I think Hank's always been aware of Bobby being objectively a very handsome young man, but I don't think that it's the kind of handsome that makes Hank descend into lust - he just doesn't quite read that way to me. He's cute, he's good looking, but, idk, this is one that boils down way more to how they interact and their personalities than anything else.

personality:

grating / irritating / frustrating / boring / confusing at best / awkward / unreasonable / psychotic / disturbing / interesting / engaging / affectionate / aggressive / ambitious / anxious / artistic / bad tempered / bossy / charismatic / appealing / unappealing / creative / courageous / dependable / unreliable / unpredictable / predictable / devious / dim / extroverted / introverted / egotistical / gregarious / fabulous / impulsive / intelligent / sympathetic / talkative / up beat / peaceful / calming / badass / flexible.

This is one that can really run the gamut - Hank can either find Bobby to be one of the single most annoying people on the planet, or his single best friend on the face of the Earth, and yes, there's plenty of room in between for those to exist simultaneously. I've talked before about how this friendship has soured in recent years, but even with Hank retreating from it, I don't think he sees Bobby as a bad person, just not one that he can rely on or find solace in a lot of the time. His emotional needs are too complex and their history too messy - in Hank's mind, anyway.

how likely they would have sex with them:

not if they were the last person on earth and the world was ending / fuck no! / never / no way / not likely / not sure / indifferent / I’m asexual / maybe / probably / it depends / fairly likely / likely / yeah sure / yes / would tap that / hell yes / fuck yes! / wishing that could happen right now / as many times as possible / we are already having sex.

Bobby/Hank is something that kind of has to come with an emotional component, imo. Hank's era of relationships without emotional investment are long since gone, and especially if he was going to have sex with a friend like Bobby, he would want to be sure that it isn't going to ruin what they have or make it worse. He can get sexual gratification plenty of places, but the relationship that Bobby offers, platonic or non, is too valuable for him to ruin it just to get his end away.

level of friendship:

never in a million years / worst of enemies / enemies / rivals / indifferent / neutral / acquaintance / friendly toward each other / casual friends / friends / good friends / best friends / fuck buddies / bosom buddies / practically the same person / would die for them / true friends / my only friend.

This one really varies depending on the time period, tbh. I feel like the times they were closest were the 60s and the 80s, so O5 and Defenders/X-Factor, with the 00s really seeing the end of their friendship and the trend more towards just - knowing, one another. Hell, there's a moment during Avengers vs. X-Men where Bobby joins Scott's side of things, and he tries to appeal to his and Hank's friendship, and Hank is just. Cold, towards him. He doesn't even flinch. I think there's a lot of bottled up anger in there.

first impression of them:

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.

Let's be real here, teen Bobby was annoying as hell, but then, so was teen Hank. Teenagers are annoying! But I definitely think that Bobby was Hank's first real male friend, the one I'd point to as, this is where Hank learned to make proper friends with people, and that counts for a lot.

current impression of them:

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.

Ahahahahahahahaha how depressing of an answer do you want?

Oh, wait, I know.

X-Force Beast wouldn't piss on Bobby if he was on fire, and Bobby doesn't even think of him when he's dying. If they don't hate each other, it's because they don't care about one another anymore.