Text
f1 pairings as famous love tropes: alex albon x logan sargeant
there was only one bed!AU
'and honey, don't you know that you and i were meant to be? sooner or later, in any universe, it's you and me'
'how are you dealing with this?'
oh, what a great question. alex glances around, checking if someone is out there. 'peachy, georgie. just peachy.'
'yeah? not freaking out?' george asks in a tone that implies he knows the answer already.
'of course not,' alex huffs. 'why would i be freaking out? yes, hotel is overbooked and apparently i don't have a room anymore because of some system lag, but my good friend logan kindly offered me to stay with him. what is there to freak out about?'
and if alex doesn't add a tiny detail about his raging crush on said good friend then it's only because george knows. and because george is a very caring individual, he asks the question alex fears the most: 'is there only one bed?'
usually alex is the one who makes fun of george and his love for dramatics, but he's not doing any better now. alex knows that he's making a big deal out of nothing - it's okay for mates to share one bed when circumstances call for it. and even when they don't - it's also fine. everything is fine, but alex can't convince his stupid heart that everything is strictly platonic so if not to count this fact then he's good. he tells george as much and receives a surpisingly serious: 'alex, just go to another hotel, really. if this is too much for you, please don't- do you want me to check availability of hotels nearby? send me the address.'
it's very sweet. george's care wraps around him like a blanket and alex breathes out, rolling his shoulders to ease the tension. he takes few more deep breaths before replying: 'no, i- it's really nothing and i'm just freaking out for not reason. and it'd look weird if after agreeing i just leave to another hotel. besides, i slept in the same bed with you million times and it should be the same, right?'
'have you ever had a crush the size of great china's wall on me, albono?' george teases. 'anything you want to confess?'
'idiot. i'm fine,' alex repeats, chuckling. 'but thanks for the offer, mate. appreciate it.'
'of course.' george sighs, yawning. it's around two am in england and time difference really sucks because it's only nine pm in thailand but alex is already barely standing upright. 'you'll be fine, mate. maybe you'll even get lucky, who knows?'
alex highly doubts this prospect but doesn't voice it out loud. instead he says his goodbyes and goes back to the reception desk, where logan is signing some papers. alex has to pause because it's really unfair how good logan looks after seven hours flight and alex does not think so of his own bias: every single girl in the lobby agrees with him, eyeing his american friend up like he's some candy. well, alex supposes he is but-
'all done!' logan announces and looks up, sending brilliant smile alex's way. 'i've got the keys, let's go? or you wanna grab something from the bar first?'
'no, fuck, i'm absolutely knackered, let's go.'
it's not a spacious suite. which is not to say that it's bad, but the bed is certainly not a king size one and bathroom doesn't look like it'll fit two grown men brushing their teeth together there. alex hovers unsurely, not feeling very comfortable with taking not his space, but logan washes away his worries with: 'hey, this is your room too, okay? you're not intruding, i promise.'
and it's so earnest and sincere that alex lets himself unpack more confidently, even going as far as be the one to shower first. (which is the choice he made because he wanted to shower first, not because the thought of being in the shower that smells like logan's favorite citrusy shampoo is unbearing for him). he changes into his pj and takes left side of the bed, trying to figure out how both of them can fit here without touching. (and it's not like touching is bad per se, logan is okay with physical contact but touching is bad for alex's heart, which still refuses to see this all as a purely platonic thing).
'we are like two fifty years old men, going to bed at ten pm,' logan says, coming out of the bathroom. his citrusy scent carries on with him, invades the room and alex grips the sheets pathetically in response. god, where is the book on getting over unrequited crush on a friend? that'd be a great night time reading. 'but i think we can use jetlag as an excuse.'
alex tries not to stare. it's not like he's never seen logan's naked upper body but right now he kind of has nowhere to go and his eyes find toned muscles on their own. logan is stupidly fit. he looks like fashion magazine slapped him on the face, like he can do modeling as a solid job. he has shiny smile, sparkling eyes and unfortunately for alex, extremely kind and likable personality. alex thinks he was doomed from the start, to be honest.
'are you a blanket hogger? i think they have another one,' logan muses out loud, drying his hair with a towel in haphazard motions that send water drops flying everywhere. 'air-con on or off?'
'on.' alex replies, twisting uncomfortably and forcing himself to lay still. 'what about you?'
'hm?' logan turns and pauses, staring at alex on the bed. his eyes widen a little and alex is not sure but it looks like he's blushing even in the poor lightning. it takes few awkward seconds for logan to unfreeze and he stumbles away from his suitcase, almost tripping in the process. 'i'm fine! yeah, i'm fine with everything!'
alex blinks. he's not sure whether to comment on logan's high-pitched voice at the end or not; his friend steps closer and his face is as red as a tomato, so alex mercifully decides to say nothing. something twists in his gut, something akin to hope and it's dangerous, he can't afford it; even a silver of hope will make his heart grow bigger and if alex can't fit it in his chest already, what he'll do then?
'i can go,' alex blurts out suddenly. he catches logan's surprised inhale and adds: 'it's really no bother, i can just go to another hotel-'
'you're not comfortable?' logan interrupts, voice small and hesitant. when alex turns to look at him, his whole expression screams of a kicked puppy and that tugs at alex's heartstrings horrifically. 'with me?'
how does alex voice out his feelings? that he is afraid of how too comfortable he is with this whole ordeal? how this feels too domestic, which does unspeakable things to his heart and he's too damn young to have a heartstroke. how can he politely tell logan that he has to protect his heart from breaking and therefore the most logical solution is for him to leave? how can he tell him that when logan looks at him with those big grey-green eyes, clutching at the towel in his hands with the most miserable expression ever? answer is he can't and alex has never been logical when it comes to logan, so what he ends up saying is: 'of course i'm comfortable with you, mate.'
logan breathes out then, tension sips away from his posture and his bright smile is on: 'ah, you're still worried about like intruding and such? i told you to forget it, alex. i'm all good!'
that you are, alex thinks miserably, watching logan practically skip to the other side of the bed. you are very good. and usually it's never silent with logan, they share banter easily, conversations flows naturally but right now alex can't seem to focus on anything because logan apparently sleeps only with boxers on. american dream climbs into the bed with him and it becomes painfully clear how this is not a king size - fuck, not even a queen size - but is just a bit wider version of a simple single bed. alex is pretty sure if he or logan were on a bigger side then it would've been impossible to fit; now they fit just barely, arms and legs touching due to zero space. alex is hyperaware of logan's hairless leg pressing up to his - he has to will himself not to flinch at the contact.
'wanna watch something?' logan asks, evidently being the only normal one out of them two now. 'or you gonna sleep?'
tiredness practically weighs alex down, but logan is next to him, smelling good and looking happy for having alex with him and he clearly has some videos he wants to show, so alex indulges him with a nod. logan perks up at this - puppy, he's like a puppy - and shuffles close, closer, until his head is pillowed comfortably on alex's shoulder and his hair is right up alex's nose. 'so okay, i have few videos i wanted to show you.'
alex's arm is in the way. it's very obvious and yet alex hesitates, unsure if he can do what he desperately wants to - free his arm and wrap it around logan, pull him even closer until their joined body heat won't make him start sweating. it's for comfort, alex repeats like a mantra in his mind, when he moves his arm as casually as possible. logan is all on board with this, he instantly lifts up his head to give alex more room and shimmies closer with a contented sigh like he waited for this and- what alex can do with this information? how can he not read too much into this? logan presses play and giggles at the very start, saying something that alex doesn't catch. alex, in fact, doesn't catch anything what's happening, too focused on logan, who has no idea of turmoil happening in his friend's mind. george always says that alex can get too into his head but he thinks he has valid reasons to, especially now. logan's wet hair, logan's warm body, logan's scent, logan's laugh - he can't be blamed for what he does next, he'll blame it on tiredness and jetlag if anyone asks. alex leans in and places small kiss on logan's wet head as his hand moves from where it was wrapped around logan's shoulder to much, much lower, until it wraps comfortably around logan's middle, fingers touching the hem of his boxers. logan freezes at first - stops midsentence, doesn't move for few seconds. alex holds his breath, wondering if this is it, if he crossed the line; apology is on his lips, when logan suddenly shits and practically melts into him. he starts talking again and does unthinkable - grabs alex's waist and pulls it closer, silently asking alex to wrap his arm around him tighter. this is - crazy. alex can't hear anything apart from loud beating of his heart, he can't fucking breathe, when logan starts playing with his fingers, all while explaining some video to him.
'logan,' he calls out, voice raspy and tense.
'hm?' logan doesn't look up at first but when alex doesn't say anything, he raises his head a little, turning to the side to see alex's face better. 'yes?'
say something. alex just stares for a while. really drinks in logan's handsome features that he learned to love over the time they know each other. stares and stares and maybe he's delirious with want and his desire for it to be real, but he thinks he sees his own feelings reflected back at him in logan's stormy eyes. alex lets go of logan's hand and moves lower in a bold move, squeezing his hip. run away, he thinks, run away or i won't stop. logan, apparently, also has his logical mind turned off when it comes to alex, because he doesn't move. no, what he does is angle his hips just slightly so in an inviting manner and oh. oh.
'logan,' alex whispers and this name sounds like a prayer from his mouth. with other hand he reaches out to take a gentle hold of his chin. 'do not indulge me if that's now what you want.'
logan leans into the touch like a kitten, watching alex with a mix of awe and excitement. he pushes his leg in between, gets even closer to alex and stretches his neck uncomfortably all to grin at him widely: 'why don't you ask me, hm?'
alex swallows. 'that's not a game for me,' he says because he needs to say it, he needs to look out after his own heart.
logan's grin fades, gets replaced with a serious frown. 'i'm not playing.'
and- can alex dream? can he have this? can he be bold and selfish and just take-
'ask me,' logan asks, no, demands. 'because if you ask me then i'll be able to tell everything.'
'what you'd tell?' alex asks, getting lost in his eyes.
logan smiles softly, taking his own hand to gently cup side of alex's face, caressing his cheekbone. 'i'd tell you that i liked you from the second you smiled at me. i'd tell you that being your friend is the biggest honor, but i'd also add that just being your friend would've never been enough. i'd tell how happy you make me, how proud of you i am, how i want you around, always.' logan leans in, brushing their noses together. 'i'd tell how much i want you.'
'how much?' alex speaks into his mouth, not breathing.
'so much, alex,' logan shivers, plastering himself all over thai guy. 'you have no idea.'
alex's hand moves, cupping his neck. 'i think i do, actually.'
the kiss is everything. it's slow and deep, it's exploring each other's mouths with tongues like devouring one another is a good option, it's exhilirating and murderous. alex thinks he won't ever be able to kiss anyone else again. he leans back, pushes their foreheads together and smiles at the way logan's pale hands try to touch him everywhere they can reach. 'i was going crazy,' he whispers, making logan stop. 'with how much i want you. how much i want to be more than friends.'
logan giggles, blushes adorably and hides his face in alex's neck. 'we are idiots. we could've been doing this for- wait, how long have you been pining for me?'
'long enough,' alex mutters, not even correcting the 'pining' thing. it's true, anyways. 'how long you have been pining for me?'
'oh no mister, that's not how it works!' logan laughs and gets on top of him easily. 'you don't get to turn this around!'
alex grabs a hold of his hips and looks at him with a smile. he's not even ashamed of the fact that he basically is pulling out full on heart eyes on logan because logan looks exactly the same way at him and it's - amazing. brilliant. perfect. logan is perfect.
'i did get lucky in the end, huh,' alex mutters to himself, thinking about call with george.
'what?' logan asks, leaning down. he finds alex's lips and yeah, alex can get used to this so, so easily.
'nothing, babe,' he says, smiling at logan's blush at the petname. 'nothing.'
a/n: if you think that this looks unfinished then it's because i can't stop and will get carried away writing it, so i had to pull a stop somewhere. hopefully this was good, let me know! - nini
my other formula 1 works are here
my seventeen works are here
#lolex#sargebon#logan sargeant#alex albon#alex albon/logan sargeant#alex/logan#f1#formula 1#williams f1#williams racing#f1 fic#f1 fanfic#formula 1 fic#formula 1 fanfic#aa23#f1 imagine#i became so sad when i finished this because oh these two are no longer teammates and :(#prayer circle for alex to appear on some indy car race to support logan
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
…Lemme just put this out there.
The amount of “gofundme I’m stuck in Gaza” asks are insane. I know the situation and trust me I really am sorry and hope you guys are safe and can get out safely but…
I AM A MINOR. I DON’T HAVE A JOB YET. I LITERALLY CAN’T DONATE.
I’ve answered a few of the asks I’ve gotten related to that over time but after discovering that one that I got before the Gaza asks started flooding in (I think it was the one with the mom and kids or cats? Idfk) was fake I’ve lost my trust.
I’m sure not all of them are fake (and chances are none of them are) but please- the only way I can help is to answer the asks so my followers can see and I don’t know how many of them are like me and literally can’t help.
I don’t think there’s any way to put this without it sounding like me being insensitive or something- I don’t want it to come off as that 😭
I guess I’m tired of getting the asks when I literally cannot to anything to help.
I’ve even said that before when I answered some asks and the person said something like even the smallest amount, even just a dollar, can help. Like- I have NOTHING to donate. No money. Not even a cent. What do you want me to do 😭
But if you guys are getting these too and they ARE real then please, do support them. But I don’t know what’s real and what’s fake anymore and I’m tired of being asked to donate something when I have nothing to give.
See the tags for more…
#Please for the love of god don’t take this as me saying I don’t care about the people stuck in the crossfire#I DO care#I want them to be safe#But please- all I’m trying to say is I literally can not help in any way shape or form#I have no money to give#I don’t know what’s real or fake#I don’t know how many of my followers are also minors like me tbh#But PLEASE#I feel like I’m being pressured to do something I’m quite literally incapable of doing#Or maybe that’s me being dramatic. Who fucking knows#And yes I swear- get over it#But for the sake of not getting screamed at for all of this#Donate if you can to those actually stuck in the crossfire#If you can’t- then spread awareness I guess#Or dont#I can’t force you to do anything#billygoat talks
0 notes
Text
.
#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
51 notes
·
View notes
Text
Okay this is the *actual* last comment, for real, but I just found out Spider is now smearing me as a convert and accusing me of being involved with drama I was not involved with because he mistakenly attributed my apologies for his public temper tantrum as being about something unrelated.
THIS IS A FALSE ACCUSATION and I do not appreciate having yet another bit of fake malicious intent falsely ascribed to my actions and* attributing a completely unrelated attack to me.
Also, it's very sad and disappointing whenever a Jew gets mad at a convert because something else is going on in the Jew's life and the convert happens to be in the splash zone and the Jew falls over backwards to smear the convert and invalidate her faith.
Just....the childish aggression is making me so, so sad and disappointed, from someone I used to think very highly of, who is now lying about me and publicly smearing me with false accusations based on a conflict he started because he misinterpreted something I said and I went out of my way to give him the benefit of the doubt when trying to clear up the mistake HE MADE that led him to decide bullying and attacking me for three fucking days was appropriate and okay and that I'm the bad guy for saying it's wildly unprofessional to behave like this in public to a former customer face.
Sorry, but facts, reality, linear time and the truth of what I actually said and did are on my side here, and I will not stand for being smeared and attacked and shat all over because I had the gall to try to kindly resolve his uncalled for, unjustified temper tantrum.
I am also not sorry that I left a side note in the tags that it was also unacceptable for HIM to drag his daughter into a stupid internet slapfight based on his own reading comprehension failure. Because it was and is unacceptable, and she needs to hear that message from someone.
End of story. Keep digging that hole as long as you like, Spider. It's not helping your case and is continuing to make you look progressively worse and more unreasonable, and the only person you have to blame is yourself.
youtube
*revised for clarity
#don't buy from nerdykeppie#all receipts are under this tag#if you're so offended because my reporting on the things you say and do makes you look bad maybe the problem is you#this whole thing was completely needless#and yet he is continuing to DARVO me because he's pissed that his usual method of smugly lashing out at people over their poor reading#comprehension doesn't work when it's him who failed to comprehend what I wrote in the first place#also REAL FUCKING INCHRESTING that he's lying about me being involved in the jewvestigation of him so he responds by......jewvestigating me#lol#lashon hara. maybe he should study it sometime.#and maybe he'll learn warning others about poor behavior from a business so they don't waste their money there is not lashon hara#but honestly I doubt it because he's never going to let go of his desperate complex about always being the smartest raddest dude in the roo#it looks pathetic and I think he realizes that or he wouldn't have had such a dramatic extended meltdown over the things *he* said to *me*#I also still find it funny that he has conveniently forgotten to address the whole “hey bud your timeline doesn't add up” part#and I think that's because he knows if he were to address the proof that he didn't remember it correctly he would be forced to admit that h#threw a massive shitfit at someone for no reason because his memory got mixed up#so so funny that he can't come up with an answer for that#almost like! he knows he fucked up bigtime and is scrambling to make himself the victim!#also funny that “worrying about someone who was dragged into a fight by a bully” got twisted into sneakily scheming to turn her against him#I'm not a scheming plotter I'm worried because the behavior you showed your child in public was wildly inappropriate TO HER.#it's sad! It's fucking sad and embarrassing and hypocritical and immature and SAD!#but the pretend me other people are attacking because they made shit up is none of my business#if he wants to keep writing fanfic about me he can go right ahead#because again#the more he talks the worse he looks#the more he digs this hole the deeper he gets mired in his own muck#and it's not my job to bend over backwards to keep him from experiencing the natural consequences of his actions.#I really should learn the lesson that people who are snide assholes in one situation are usually snide assholes across the board#really the worst part is knowing I defended him when he threw tantrums like this before#that's what I regret and feel guilty about: that I backed up his shitty behavior and gave it legitimacuy#that was wrong of me and I'm sorry for every time I jumped in as one of his flying monkeys
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
🐰🩹🧸🏨
#i hate being in pain like this#bc it completely takes over my life. like im incapable of thinking of anything else#im incapable of relaxing or enjoying anything. i cant do important things. cant do anything else but sit still nd be in pain#it just renders me completely useless and makes me stop functioning properly#im just a hopeless mess made of anxiety nd sadness. idk why but i just hyperfixate on it and i cant 'let go' or relax or not think abt it#idk how other ppl do it.... i wish i wasnt like this bc it's awful. it's like the only thing that exist nd ever will exist is this pain 4evr#im dramatic i know but it genuinely feels like my entire life is over and i'll ever know is pain nd nothing will ever get better again#im so caught up in it i cant see anything else but my pain. i cant think of the future bc do i have one?? i dont know#im just not feeling good at all. and everything feels bleak and depressing and i dont want it :((#i cant have any fun or nice moments at all and im just tired of life#i feel so fkn stressed abt all the things i need to do nd all my responsibilities and idk how i'll do them when im in this pain#i just hope it can calm down soon i just want it to be a little bit easier just a little bit#getting thru each day now is so fkn hard i barely sleep but when i do i wish i never wake up#i hate everything and it feels like my future is fucked#which makes me wanna die!! but it also makes me sad bc there is actually sm i want to live for#i dont want it all to be ruined bc i want to try to live!!!! :(#and yess im know im being dramatic but i cant help it. im weak nd im terrible at dealing w pain nd issues#im not a strong person who can withstand everything nd finds ways to live either way. maybe it's bc my will to live isnt that strong#idk. i just hate this i want it to be over. it's taking over my life nd idk how to still function like this
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Sometimes I get worried about whether smth I'm doing is wildly ooc but then I'm like This Is Fanfiction, what the fuck ever
#speculation nation#sometimes i dramatize things for fun even if i dont think thats 100% how theyd be in canon#like obviously i try to stick to their personalities as much as possible. but like#i think stressing forever about whether smth is 100% in character isnt productive for anyone.#as my friend allen puts it. instead of asking Would they say that. ask what would Make them say that?#im perhaps a little anxious about my dad vash fic im coming up with being seen as potentially ooc or whatever#like for one. no it wont just be domestic bliss whatever. hes got some awful mental health to sort through.#but also. even if it was just entirely domestic bliss fic. who the fuck cares?#im bothered by this actually. the degree that some people police everyone else's works like. u dont Have to read them man#if all ur doing is complaining about how None of the fandom is doing things 'right' then like. u dont have to look at it??#fuck dude i got some characterizations that drive me up the wall to see but i just fuckin leave them be.#i maybe spent too long scrounging in a negativity cesspool out of. i dont fucking know. morbid curiosity maybe#and it made me feel self conscious but at the end of the day. who the fuck cares!!!!!!#no one knows everything and touting yourself as the one who knows Everything and is Always Right is a: blatantly incorrect#and b: exceedingly obnoxious and self-absorbed.#ive got my opinions and preferences about fics. im not making it other ppl's problems. come on.#this is... man i guess it's a vague post. but it's not about anyone who follows me. if ur worried.#i dont prefer to do vague posts these days bc. ya kno. but GOD it rly is rubbing me wrong actually. ugh.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
i love not knowing if i'll ever be healthy again i love all of the time i've used to move my body become nothing i love spending my adulthood wasting away year after year for various reasons baby!
#i know i'm being dramatic and privileged etc etc right now but i hate living like this#i probably had covid in the beginning of august and since then my heart and lungs have just been fucked#so now i'm probably looking at at least 2 years of long covid and maybe permanent neurological damage#could i be lucky and get better in few more months? maybe. do i believe that will happen? no. optimistically maybe next summer id be better#my symptoms are not that bad considering what i know other people have suffered but at the same time that makes it feel not real#otherwise i'm pretty much fine except i feel like fainting alot after standing up or excerting myself and anything beyond walking#spikes my hr to 160 and right now even laying down my hr is around 80. this comes with the associated shortness of breath etc#what fucks me up about this is that my normal hr is low with my rhr being under 50bpm and i'm physically active#so basically i've went from regular running and half marathons being no issue to not being able to jog 1km at the slowest pace possible#without spiking my hr to zone 4#so now with the recovery time of this being however long if properly ever i'll have to basically start all over again with everything#i biked to the grocery store yesterday and that took me out for the rest of the day because my heart rate just didn't go down afterwards#outwards i look fine and i wouldn't be as affected if sports and moving wasn't a part of my life and relationships but it is#i've read studies about recovery times and a lot of them don't feel applicable because the test groups are either very different from me#based on the baseline health info such as activity levels or they're elite atheletes which i am not#some have given me hope that keeping my hr under like 130 by doing activities like walking until maybe someday things get better works#but who knows and even if it does this will be yet another thing that takes the littlest bits of muscle tissue i have on me away once again#because besides deconditioning muscle loss is yet another symptom. so i will be even weaker than i am right now#i don't know how much of what i'm experiencing in terms of mental effects is from anxiety over my physical health and how much is brainfog#but we'll see i'll just have to start walking a lot every day and keep up with simple and slow strenght training so i'll want to die less#i don't think my family will ever properly understand because almost all of them are athletes and the one who isn't never does any excercis#so either i just look like i'm weak but i was always weak so it's not a big deal or my experience isn't really that important#this is so so so pathetic both my reaction and the issue but it's difficult to not feel this way especially with the uncertainty#shit talking
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
TaTr is real and good. <- have a whole story in its head that would NOT fucking happen in canon.
#show doesnt give us anything my brain fills in the gaps#itd I GUESS be an AU but in my heart and mind its real jus lemme have this#Tenn gets re encoded as a service drone after the incident with the SIR units. tallests would rather put the blame on her than admit fault.#They get sent to moo ping 10 not as a prisoner just to work there (i go back on forth on what her specific job is. BUT its low profile.)#something like a custodian. tenn takes it as best she can but she DOES have a bit of that dramatic i want to get revenge feels.#like they've just lost their mission through no fault of her own. its a difficult time for her as she starts to kinda...question things.#like the way the world (or the only one she knows) works around her. but she also knows there isnt much they can do yk.#eventually she meets Tak there. who IS there as a prisoner.#i think theyd bond over the way theyre both victims of circumstance. and how they couldnt do anything to get where they were when meeting.#but hey. maybe being at your own rock bottom isnt too bad if someone's on the same level.#one thing leads to another they start their own “resistance” BUT really it is just them chilling in space.#theres lots of gaps BUT. but....shhh lemme have this i know its corny and would NOT fucking happen but they make me giggle happy smile.#ZIM SPEAKS#oh also mimi is included too. mimi is their emotional support kitty.#kitty mimi is forever i luv her FOREVER.#also i use they/she for tenn jst so theres no confusion ^_^!
17 notes
·
View notes
Note
2 years ago i fucked up a friendship w a girl (that im pretty sure i was in love with). to this day i think of her and sometimes when i see her on the street i just wanna cry. i understand your plight very much.
yeahhh man im sorry to hear that!!! it genuinely fucking sucks and i would never wish this upon anyone. cuz like it makes you fully think about all the what ifs and i genuilnely dont think ill ever find someone like her again
#im not trying to sound dramatic im being so serious she was so fucking perfect for me#i geuss the difference is shes the one who broke up w me and i know i didnt do anything wrong#neither of us did#its just like fuck!!! you know?? like we could have been so much#serious relationships dont need to be longterm to be serious you know???#one of these days im going to get tipsy and then 'drunk' text her even though i fiully intend to text her#and then claim i was just drunk because im notl ying im just not telling the full truth#like i fully considered it last night but i knew it would be a bad idea and i know if i do it its just gonna fuck things up more#but im soooo tempted man#like i dont know what itll even do#i know inside my goal is to maybe convince her that its not our time to end but i know in reality#its just gonna make her feel guilty and push her away even more if i show her how much ic are abou ther#i just seriously wish i understood why she even did it#i also thought being back on campus would help and i mean it has for sure becuase ive had my friends to distract me#but the thing is im not enjoying anything. like im not being distracted im just being numbed ykwim#cuz the moment i leave my friends all i do is think about her#and even when im WITH my friends ill be in the moment w them and then 2 minutes later ill start zoning out thinking about her#like the worst part about this is i dont have any anger *against* her#maybe im angry about like the general situation but the anger isnt against her#and while being angry is its own kind of pain in a way it can be easier cuz at least then youre tempted to have a good time and show off#but when its like this where youre just sad at the situation like what am i actually gonna do except think about her#sorry anon im not trying to dump on you i just start ranting in the tags sometimes#sunny rambles#anon tag#asks
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group
#bye ignore my venting bigger problems what fucking ever#im sick of her ass she only messages us for us to help her with her fucking girlfriend problems like we arent even friends atthis fckn point#and i love her shes so funny whatever but god shes literally the worst because i just want to be friends i dont fucking care ab her goddamn#selfish ass gf thats shes obsessed with. be obsessed tell me about it but cant we be friends ab other stuff too#we used to be her 'favorite friend' cause we shared so many interests and we hung around what fucking ever but fuck that right#get a gf and just use us to help better yalls relationship without even telling her you're sharing her private msgs w us huh yeah sure#what fucking ever im so done with this bitch and i cant even get my contacts out cause i have long nails and im js poking my eye#AND SHE WOULD NEVER BE SORRY if our friendship fell apart she would tell everyone i was jealous of her gf or what ever i literally dont care#she was like an older sister before i dont get why getting a gf would have to change shit like ok good for u but what ab us#what about me its not even fucking fair like is it that hard to keep up w ur friends?? NO its fucking not#taking me so long to write a post bc im still fucking helping her with her stupid dumb selfish idiotic gf omfg#just BREAK UP i literally dont fucking care just leave her if she makes u unhappy its literally online tf is she gonna do to u nothing omfg#why am i the one being punished when shes the one with the stupid dumb gf that hates her and herself i dont fucking care i js want m friend#and i cant tell any of our mutual friends cause she dont do that to them its js me so itd be like im being dramatic#and like shit i guess i am but i dont care atp thats all she ever talks to me ab like ok i get it i helped u but stop jfc#but if i said that we'd never talk again bc what fucking ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cause im just dramatic whatever#if u cant resolve these simple problems of communication on ur own then maybe u shouldnt be in a relationship idk js my thoughts! die#sry the 1 person who knows what xactly i mean is asleep and im so tired of getting late night msgs being like hii can u help me SHUT UP#id love to help if we were actually still fucking friends but we arent so js leave me alone bruh#post#nickpost#will delete in morning my mom keeps telling me to put my phone down bt i need 2 say smfh 2 some1#i hate change i hate slight differences in my normal day to day i hate everything i hate not having smth to rely on i hate change i hate it#sry im alg now im js sick of her ass js leave bruh#nimbhe my moms yelling im tired anyway i need to js isolate myself forever no problems if im on an island alone#living my best life in the shade drinking idk water or whatever and just talking to myself bc who even needs friends right!!!!!!!!#its 11:11 make a wjsh#adding more cz whatever im deleting this ltr anyway#its so clear where i stand with everyone cause its always close but not close enough friendly but not friends and i guess its the same w her#bye im out of tags etc whatever nobody matching my freak ever never comfortable in any friendships
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’ve been improving a lot mentally lately and today my wife (best friend who I’ve lived with for 7 years) told me she’s divorcing me (moving to a city we both swore we’d never live in) and she’s taking the kids (our dog) and this is just further proof that god will never allow me to be happy or hopeful
#i know I sound dramatic but it feels like a divorce#my entire life revolves around her#she’s my soulmate and I’ve known her for a million lifetimes#I spend all day anticipating her coming home from work so we can spend time together#I schedule nothing on the weekends because weekends are for being with her#she’s come to every family gathering I’ve gone to for at least the last five years#she’s my entire fucking life and she’s leaving me#I’m gonna have to leave our apartment that we’ve been in for 3 years#I don’t even know how to make other friends because we’ve never needed anyone besides each other#and maybe we’re codependent and rely on each other too much but it’s never bothered us#and I always swore I’d follow her anywhere but she knows I can’t go where she’s going this time#I’m still so sick that I need my family nearby to help me so I can’t leave them#and my doctors are all here and I’ve spent years finding doctors I actually like#and I HATE where she’s moving#we lived there together for a summer and it was awful and she swore that we’d never go back there#and when she told me she’s leaving she didn’t bother asking me to come bc she knows I can’t#and I’m so fucking mad at her#I don’t know who I am without her and I feel like chunks of me are being carved out of my chest
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m gonna be completely real with you. For the past couple of weeks I have been neck deep in the Ice Planet Barbarians series with no end in sight
#i don’t know what ms ruby dixon put in these books but it’s like crack to me#i think it’s the balance of predictability vs there being a journey#like i know these two are going to get together and be fated mates but i don’t know when or how it’s going to happen#and she keeps switching up the formula just enough that i’m not sure what exactly the vibe is going to be each time#i’m on maddie’s book and it might be my favourite so far just because of how dramatic the earthquake was#and i liked that SOMEONE finally asked if any of the men were getting it on with each other because i mean……#there’s two dozen hunters who thought they were NEVER going to get a mate and you’re telling me NONE of them fucked. suspicious#i also really liked when hassen was saying about how maddie throws stuff at people when she’s mad and then he says ‘now that is a woman’#like honestly. yeah. too many of these men have been like ‘oh i love my small delicate human mate :)’ and hassen is like#‘this fat bitch who screams at people? i want her. she’s mine’ because bro honestly that would be me#i’d either be ms ariana screaming and crying at any stimuli; maddie throwing stuff at people; or maybe a combo of the two#which i think is probably liz#what else do i have to say about this… i mean honestly i am a vektal apologist. the man needs a raise. he is dealing with TOO MUCH bullshit#and from too many people. whenever some guy pipes up like ‘my mate is pregnant i can’t do that’ i’d be like ‘man EVERYBODY is pregnant#read the fucking room’#i’m not saying i like vektal i’m just saying i understand him and i feel bad for him and i’m impressed that he hasn’t started killing#that’s about it. uh. i’m going to finish this one and then read the spinoffs before i proceed#personal#**not the spinoffs. the novellas. the babies etc
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
the best thing about having a diagnosed mental illness(es) is people assuming you're always wrong and/or lying because "you're mentally ill" so no one ever takes your opinion on anything, or interrupts you because what's the point of listening to a crazy person
#talking to the moon#ive been thinking about hospitalization but hospitalization here means waiting 8 hours in the ER waiting room#until they take you in if you're lucky and then tie you up to the bed and drug you until you stop crying or fall asleep#context: im diagnosed with bpd so immediately im taken as extreme dramatic and immature no matter what i say#do they always have to bring up the 'not everything is black and white' thing. like i get it thats the only thing you know about bpd#but im not even being extreme#and if i am it's because shit *is* extreme and if im complaining about it it's because it's affecting me (and others) in a Very bad way#anyways now i Am having a mental illness moment and im so angry. or maybe this is just normal people angry but#im always told everything i do is because of being crazy so who even knows#not me because im fucked up in the head i guess sghdgd
7 notes
·
View notes
Note
oh my god i'm so in love with all the fic ideas you talked about, but especially the last two with the castles kidnapping matt in like a friendly and well-meaning way. it's so funny to me and also the dynamic here would be absolutely excellent. never realised i needed a pro-crime hyper-competent maria castle in my life but apparently i do???
the dynamic in those, but especially the christmas one, is fucking hilarious. i love it so much. i'd write it tomorrow if i had the time
like the castles are treating this like one of those times where you pick up a puppy out of a cardboard box in a kmart parking lot and like, it's a little scrawny and underfed and feral and yeah, it probably would have been smarter to pick one out of the shelter where at least you know they've been checked out and have their shots and everything, but you know, the kids wanted one so bad and it's christmas, and it's cold and the poor thing's probably going to freeze to death in the cardboard box, so you bring it home, and suddenly it's in these new and unfamiliar surroundings and it keeps trying to skitter out the front door every time it opens, so maybe you have to keep it in a back room or tied up for a while and you hand feed it treats until it stops trying to run away and like, you know eventually the puppy's going to warm up to you as long as you treat it right and when that happens you'll have a happy new member of the family that you can probably shove felt reindeer antlers on for the family christmas card
meanwhile matt's treating this like a fucking kidnapping
#it's so funny to me#like matt is somehow in the minority in thinking kidnapping an adult man is a big deal#normally he'd be able to hurl is body out a third story window and fuck off#but devastantly frank is one of the few people on the planet that can go toe to toe with him on a good day#and he keeps dragging matt off the windowsills and acting like matt's being ridiculous for trying to escape his own kidnapping#also he could try to just fuckin. kick flip frank#but it's so much harder to do that to maria and the kids#and it's SO AWKWARD to get into a physical confrontation with the dad of the kids whose lives you saved and who idolize you now#like merry christmas kids i need to punch your dad#maybe the real kidnapping was the societal conventions we found along the way#also matt's not super at one hundred percent on account of he took on the CIA in a t-shirt and sweatpants and like he WON but it's not GOOD#matt spends this entire time like 'please stop trying to teach me about the magic of christmas time'#'i need you to start treating this hostage situation seriously this is a federal crime you are committing a FEDERAL CRIME'#and maria's engaging in mild gaslighting like 'that's a bit dramatic dear here have a sugar cookie'#matt: 'i don't want a sugar cookie i want you to UNLOCK THE HANDCUFFS'#see the thing is that i'm absolutely convinced teh castles are absolutely fucking insane all of them#like we know frank is not above zip tying a child to the bed and kidnapping her for her own safety#maybe they're just all like that#the moral of the story is that this nice young man helped them and is living a horrible fucking existence so there's no reason why#they can't forcefully adopt him and make him take his medication and recover in their nice guest bedroom instead of a fucking boiler room#like this is 60% physical force and 40% a guilt trip keeping him captive
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
tbh i feel like if i had to pick a single standout performance out of everyone in stranger things... it would probably be gaten matarazzo. like, i feel like he very consistently gets scenes so perfect and so genuine, while other charas always have at least one scene where i go “eh, that didn’t feel like the best take they could have used.” not with gaten. he is, as dustin would say, right on the money every time
#every now and then the post i made abt sadie sink's performance gets a few more notes#and while i do think that she did a fuckawesome job in s4#it mostly stands out bc she had to do a lot of really heavy stuff and was the focus of the season#but man. gaten is just so fucking good#i feel like the only scene i can think of where i feel like his performance was off#would be when theyre talking w eddie in the boathouse and he's like. explaining who vecna is#like it feels a little Too dramatic but. it's still like. good. just not my personal taste maybe?? idk#i feel like the dramatic moments in this show are like a balancing act on a knife's edge#sometimes they work perfectly and other times im like okay this just feels silly and dumb#but. gaten still makes it work most of the time when dustin is involved#idk. anyway. i was just thinking about that today#like. im gonna start rewatching the show this weekend/this week#and i wanna pay attention to him and see if any moment stands out as being like a poor performance#bc i really can't think of anything off the top of my head... but for a lot of other charas i immediately can#i say all of this as if i know ANYTHING about acting hsjdfklg DONT MIND ME#now im go to bed for real i think...#i say things#gaten matarazzo#dustin henderson#stranger things
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Sleepover w my probably unrequited crush was NOT good for me
#going insane. i slept for 2 hours mainly bcs i spent most of the time near cardiac arrest#such a cringefail moment nothing has changed since highschool etc. well it has but ive had 2 hrs of sleep and im being dramatic#i dont even know if shes in a relationship i think maybe shes in like a fwb situation w this guy she spends a lot of time with#who is very nice honestly might not even mind that like everyone here is polyam anyway lol but idk if she even likes me that way at all.#and i physically cannot talk to her abt this i think i'd genuinely die of a heart attack and bury myself alive no matter the outcome#but also i guess my life will stay this way forever if i dont eventually do smth abt crushes but im like SO scared#though i guess realistically the worst outcome is that i embarrass myself. like she's bisexual she's not going to kill me or be disgusted#WELL. Maybe I'll do smth abt this tomorrow (probably not)#but also im soo worried that if it's reciprocated it turns out i dont actually want anything from her#bcs that would mean i have Fucked Up Issues and i don't even know how to begin thinking abt solving them#anyway GOODNIGHT. I am tired and not in a state of mind to do deep psychoanalysis on myself 🗣
4 notes
·
View notes