#On the transmasc part which isn't even me really

[erinelliotc]

A few years ago I used to be that annoying "transmasc lesbians don't exist, this shit is harmful and invalidates both transmascs and lesbians" person, and now I'M the transmasc lesbian. Seems like the tables have turned, huh?

I've spent so many months, years, trying so hard to fit into these categories that I saw so many people talk about as if it were the definitive truth, and this shallow and simplistic vision seems to be gaining a lot of attention and traction here in Brazil. Isn't it ironic to free yourself from cisnormativity and heteronormativity and all these binary boxes to find yourself again trying to fit into other boxes and norms that don't actually describe your experience correctly? Because your experience with gender is so chaotic and confusing (as expected of a nonbinary identity, and even more so if you're neurodivergent too) that there's no simple way to describe it. Then when you find out what describes this, people say you can't identify yourself that way because two or more of your identities are "incompatible". I see people treating non-binarity as if it were an exact science, as if it were math, as if it were something simple and logical, as it is precisely the escape from what has been established in our society as the only two possible options, generating countless identities within a gray area outside this black and white vision, so of course it's something complex, abstract and subjective.

EDIT: One of my reasons for thinking this way was that I ignored that the transgender experience and the cisgender experience aren't and will never be equivalent. It's obvious that a cis man can't be a lesbian, but the same doesn't go for transmasc people, and I thought that admitting that was the same as being transphobic, denying the masculinity of transmascs, denying their male identity. I already had a debate on Twitter because people didn't want to admit that trans men and transmasc people in general can suffer misogyny and male chauvinism (as society can still see and treat us as women) because they also saw it as the same as saying transmasc people are women. The identity of trans people is a very complex experience that involves a series of factors that cis people will never experience. We cannot equate the trans experience with the cis experience.

I thought identifying as a butch lesbian was enough to describe my masculinity, but I realized that I felt like it didn't encompass everything I felt, I still felt like something was missing. Preventing and depriving myself of identifying with more explicit masculine identities was actually making me feel bad and dysphoric. So yeah, I've been avoiding identifying with male-aligned identities because I thought that would mean having to stop identifying as a lesbian, and I didn't want that, and I don't really feel like calling myself straight makes any sense.

I have a text in Portuguese talking about my experience as a butch lesbian, and I feel that now it also serves to describe my experience as a nonbinary transmasc (the part where I talk about not identifying with "traditional masculinity", but with a "different type", like "soft masculinity", is directly related to the fact that, in addition to being nonbinary, I don't identify as a man, I don't feel comfortable with the term "man", but rather with "boy"). I spent a few months wondering whether I was libramasculine or boyflux, and I ended up deciding that if I can't identify which one I am, maybe it makes more sense to just adopt both identities, maybe I am both then! I'm tired of trying to fit into supposed rules about being nonbinary. This is exactly how non-binarity shouldn't be. I'm supposed to feel free, not trapped again. My identity is my identity and that's nobody's business.

[lanawinterscigarettes]

Period Cramps (James Wilson x reader)

Summary: dealing with periods isn't so bad with Wilson as your boyfriend

Warnings: periods/menstrual cycles mentioned, reader is completely gender neutral besides the implication of them being afab (because women aren't the only people who get periods plus it's my fic and I'm transmasc so deal with it), basically just a bunch of fluff

A/N: this isn't long at all but I wanted to write something fluffy while my cramps slowly kill me (joking..for the most part) and I hate that the title is are so unoriginal but honestly who cares. Also the reader makes a playful comment about Wilson using menstrual products that could either be taken in jest or be implied trans Wilson (which was my intent when writing it but really it's up to you)

"I brought you a heating pad and some painkillers," Wilson's soft voice called out as he entered the bedroom, setting them both on the nightstand beside you. "How's the pain?" His brow was bunched together in concern as he watched you shift around on the bed, trying to get in a position that was at least somewhat comfortable.

"It's not so bad that I feel like I'm dying, if that's what you mean." Your voice came out as a discontented grumble from the pile of blankets where you laid bundled up. "But I appreciate this, thanks." You took two painkillers with some water before grabbing the heating pad and placing it on your lower abdomen. "Ahh, that's much better."

He didn't say anything, but you noticed how the corners of his lips turned upwards into a slight smile while he got next to you on the bed. You never had to make a request for cuddles from him whenever you were hurt or didn't feel good, as they were freely given.

"I'm sure you've had plenty of experience dealing with these kind of things before," you commented playfully as you leaned into him, which he responded to by moving in closer. "You probably keep your bathroom stocked with plenty of menstrual products in case you have guests who come over and need them. And of course there's some in there for yourself."

At that, he let out a snort of laughter, shaking his head in amused disbelief. "You're absolutely right, of course. What kind of host would I be if I didn't?"

"A bad one," you said with mock seriousness before letting out a giggle. The two of you were quiet for a moment before you spoke again. "Do you know what would make this moment even better?"

Almost as if on cue, he pulled out your favorite type of candy from his pocket and handed it to you. A visibly gleeful expression lit up your face as you snatched it from him and tore open the packaging, happily devouring the cavity inducing treat.

"You're the best boyfriend ever," you managed to get out between chews, giving him a look full of adoration.

He simply smiled and replied, "I'm glad you think so."

End notes: y'all have no idea how long it took me to find a gif I actually liked for this I almost gave up

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[honorarypines]

Miss Peregrine's home for peculiar children AU!! Special thanks to my friends from Ghostwriters server for brainstorming it with me!

Bit of au lore (overexplained enough so that folks who don't know the books its based on can interact as well):

Peculiar children are born with or develop certain unusual abilities. To protect them from the outside world, wise peculiar women called the ymbrines created time loops which allow the kids to live peacefully in locations that reset themselves every 24 h. The kids are from different time periods, some of them have been living in the loops for decades now, they cannot leave for long periods of time or their age would catch up with them.

Edwin is an invisible boy from the 1900s. He isn't permanently invisible, but the anxiety and loneliness he experienced in his childhood made him so closed off, he now spends most of his time invisible anyway. No one in the house has seen his face ever. He's really scared of revealing his face to Charles especially bc what if Charles won't like what he sees? On the other hand though, who would want to date an invisible person?

Charles totally would btw, he really values Edwin's intellect, wit and kindness. But of course he would never reveal his true feelings to him. He's too scared of hurting him, much like he accidentally hurt his mother with his fire powers once. His dad was being particularly awful that day and Charles in an act of desperation and self defense accidentally burned their house down, leaving his mother with nasty burn scars. He then ran away and eventually got whisked away by the ymbrines. Since he got to the house he has been learning diligently to control his powers; he still struggles with it when he gets overwhelmed by intense emotions. 80s kid

Crystal is a girl from the modern world, possessing the power of seeing the monsters and supernatural. While most of the magic going on in the peculiar society is hidden from normal people, even the peculiars aren't usually able to see the monsters. Crystal is the only known living person possessing that ability. Her grandmother, the previous owner of those powers, once lived with the peculiar children, but then left their time loop, grew up and started a family. She told young Crystal stories about the magical house she grew up in, which later helped Crystal with locating it. Charles and Crystal's grandma used to be a little flirty with each other and Charles did not take her departure well. He always yearned for a normal life in modern world, as opposed to most of the kids. Edwin now worries Charles will be interested in dating Crystal because of her similaities to the grandma.

Niko's ability is aging throughout the day. She always starts the day as a young teen and ends it as an older woman, which the other children jokingly refer to as the Principal. Now that she's living with other peculiars like her she doesn't mind her aging, but before she arrived to the house she used to hide in her room for hours and avoid human interactions at all cost.

Thomas' peculiarity is shapeshifting, obviously. He's supernaturally speaking the oldest peculiar kid living in the house.

Monty is a young ymbrine (can manipulate time and change into a bird), and the only known male one. He was born female, but now identifies as transmasc. This ofc causes so much controversy in the peculiar society; the ymbrines struggle to accept a male as a part of their kind, they are known to lowkey look down on men. Meanwhile other powerful forces want to recruit him and make him the face of their war against the ymbrines. Monty himself is rather peaceful and would rather chill with his friends forever than fight wars and take sides.

The Night Nurse is their caretaker, and an ymbrine. She's strict but fair, and has a secret soft spot. As any other ymbrine, she can change into a bird, hers is a robin (its a color scheme thing)

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

since it's pride month, i want to highlight my favorite underrated/underappreciated queer characters and ships! (part 1/???)

(feel free to add more!)

Lake - Infinity Train (non-canon)

it's not canon but you cannot tell me that Lake isn't an allegory for trans/nb people. her arc is so beautiful and her character resonates with me so much!

i have to admit, i actually kinda hated her in the beginning because of how aggressive and rude she was, but she actually gets good character development and you can also understand why she was the way she was, being a good representation of a minority who is constantly suffering because of the social norms she’s forced into. also i don’t ship her with jesse but i do like the idea of them in a qpr or just being platonic besties.

(i use she/her pronouns for Lake because that's what they use in the series, but also because not all non-binary people use they/them, and it's kinda weird to see people insist on using they/them for Lake just because she's nb-coded. she has never shown an aversion to bring referred to with she/her pronouns.)

Le Chevre x El Topo - Carmen Sandiego (canon)

they are side characters who don't play a huge role in the narrative but they are a really cute couple and have been confirmed to be canon! even without the confirmation, it’s clear that they were written to be a romantic couple.

mild spoiler: after the series ends, they stop being antagonists and instead put up a food truck together! it’s the cutest thing, i swear

Ryan x Min-gi - Infinity Train (non-canon)

my OTP through and through! i say non-canon but the romance is so heavily implied, you cannot ignore it.

they're a good example of childhood friends who had a complicated relationship where both individuals did something wrong, but in the end, they grow as people and manage to mend their relationship together.

Moomin x Snufkin - Moominvalley (canon)

i have only read one of the books and watched a few clips of these two characters but from that alone, it's clear that they were written as lovers (and the author is queer too!)

they are a beautiful portrayal of long-distance relationship where both individuals have different needs in life, but still want to be with each other regardless.

Terrestrius / Terry - The Dragon Prince (canon)

Terry is canonically transmasc and they actually manage to explain this in the series, without making it sound too forced or expository. he's such a sweetheart too, and his relationship with Claudia is actually really sweet, despite the fact that she's one of the villains.

Carmen x Julia - Carmen Sandiego (non-canon)

again, i say non-canon but it is heavily implied that they have feelings for each other, especially in the extra interactive episode, where Carmen leaves a bouquet of red roses for Julia, and Julia is shown to blush when receiving them.

Amaya x Janai - The Dragon Prince (canon)

what’s that? it’s actually possible to write an enemies to lovers romance that is healthy and not extremely abusive?

Amaya and Janai have such a good relationship in S5 (and Amaya is also a great disabled representation!) Janai actually learns sign language to communicate with Amaya, and there are no unnecessary miscommunication plots or drama, they’re just a really loving wlw couple.

Benson x Troy - Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts (canon)

when i say we need more mlm ships in animated media!! i’m so glad us sapphics are getting a lot of representation but it’s time cartoons started including more queer men.

benson and troy are just a really sweet couple with a good relationship that doesn’t have a ton of pining or unnecessary angst. while i love complex and tragic queer relationships, i also think that it’s good to show teenagers just being teenagers sometimes.

this opinion seems to be scarce in the queer community, which really annoys me tbh.

Raine x Eda - The Owl House (canon)

i cannot believe that given the popularity of TOH, Raeda is still such an overlooked ship. this might be an unpopular opinion but Raeda is better written and has more chemistry than Lumity and Huntlow.

just within the span of Raine's introductory episode, they managed to establish a clearly romantic past between these two characters, and also an interesting dynamic. and even though they didn't have much screentime, they still turned out to be the best ship in the series. (again, just my opinion, don't come at me)

i think it's so important to show older queer people in media, just as it is important to show younger queer characters. it helps establish the fact that queerness has always existed and isn't some newfound trend that social media invented. not to mention, raeda is one of the very few canon ships that include a non-binary character.

[velvetvexations]

It got to a point where the weird background noise of distain for transmascs within the queer community, frequently from other fucking transmascs, made me stop really wanting to call myself a trans man. I kind of avoid saying it where I can now. I'm factually transgender but I'm "just some guy" I'm "something like that" when asked.

It wasn't the active vitriol that did it either, it was the casual, mocking scorn.

I'm proudly bisexual, proudly queer in concept, but... Maybe it's because being extremely dysphoric and disabled made it hard to be proud in the first place, maybe I'd feel differently if I wasn't mostly housebound and could meet more queer people in the real world, but it's nearly impossible for me to feel pride in a part of my identity that so much of my own community seems to consider trite and embarrassing.

I don't know, maybe I /am/ a whiny loser transmasc who can't take a joke, but I think even just joking about entire identities being pathetic and annoying can't be good for the community. Either way, thankyou for sticking by your brothers and siblings, Miss Velvet, you do make me feel less ashamed in this way.

The idea is that men have surely brought it on themselves. And I don't really see how you can't apply to that logic to anyone. Like, if a transfem abuses a transmasc, and a transmasc abuses a transfem, it seems like those two people in particular are dead even, and should have a greenlight to be horribly transphobic to each other. It's so obviously childsh, pointless nonsense that serves no purpose whatsoever.

And I mean, COME ON. They'll be like "oohhh but why can't we make our widdle jokie wokies :(" and then you ask them to give you some of their act and it's just a nihilistic screaming cocaine bender about how much they despise the guts of everyone other than themselves and sincerely thinks the world would be better off without them.

"but oppressed people get catharsis!"

IDK, maybe I don't want you to get catharisis. Maybe I want you to be frustrated and miserable for as long as that's where you get your catharsis from. We're gonna be over here doing something that's actually praxis and does good for whatever cause while your therapist tries to introduce you to breathing techniques that might make you less of an annoying death-obsessed freak.

And truly we fucked up letting it get this bad. Everyone could broadly agree it was fine to make fun of dominant groups but it's spiraled so far out of control people care more about targets they can actually hurt instead of the one's doing the oppression.

Which is cowardly, too, by the way. Like, have you noticed how little any of those bloggers talk about transphobic cis people? I talk about transphobic cis people. The closest they come is bringing up TERFs to make up a 100% fake backstory justifiying slurring other trans people, and femboys to say anyone who isn't attracted to trans women are simply transmisogynistic liars and the people they are attracted to simply a poor immitation of Trve Transwymyn.

Their politics are not remotely oriented towards anything remotely productive and never have been, because they don't care about transfemminism, or transmisogyny, or any of that, it's the furthest thing from their minds, what they care about is getting the constant attention that requires an enemy.

[nothorses]

I think there's a Thing where any transphobia known to be against a transfem gets called "transmisogyny", which is fine I guess, but idk I feel like transmisogyny is supposed to be the word for the Specific Type of oppression that trans women face, not "transphobia that in this case is against a trans women". Does that make sense? Like if somebody misgenders a trans woman and that's it, that isn't anything more specific than "transphobia", right? Like if somebody were to call me a faggot, I wouldn't consider That transandrophobia simply because I Am a trans man, I would just think of it as generally anti-queer. Does that make sense, or am I misunderstanding the terms transmisogyny, transandrophobia, etc?

No I think you're right, and tbh I think it's a manifestation (and a really good example) of the "identity = oppression" framework a lot of folks are operating under in these conversations.

It's not something anyone really says out loud, but I've noticed it as a pattern in certain circles; mostly a lot of primarily young, online queer circles.

It's the same framework that, imo, spawned "Transmisogyny Exempt/Transmisogyny Affected" (or "TME/TMA") in which one's identity is directly equivalent to the oppression they experience.

The logic goes: If you identify as X, you experience anti-X oppression. If your identity is not X, you do not, and cannot, experience anti-X oppression.

This is also where we get, like, "misdirected misogyny" as a concept: the logic is that trans men* do not identify as women, therefore they cannot experience oppression meant for women.

Or "slur discourse": if you do not identify as X, you do not experience anti-X oppression, you have never been called this anti-X slur, and therefore you cannot reclaim this anti-X slur.

A lot of other gatekeeping arguments follow similar logic, as do a lot of arguments against acknowledging "transandrophobia" (or anti-transmasc bigotry as a specific concept). Personal identity is understood to be directly equivalent to experiences with oppression, and trans men's identities are thus broken down into their two parts, and assigned corresponding experiences:

Trans experiences

Man experiences

Even understanding "trans man" to be a third identity, with additional, unique "trans man experiences", creates a lot of friction within this framework: a lot of the unique "trans man experiences" we talk about arise from interactions between transphobia and misogyny. But misogyny must be woman-only; our experiences with misogyny are considered incidental, or "misdirected".

If we consider identity to be directly equivalent to oppression, then what, exactly, could these unique "trans man experiences" be?

In this framework, they can only ever be the combination of "trans experiences" and "man experiences"; and "man experiences" cannot contain any unique "man oppression" (unless all men are oppressed just for being men), so "trans man experiences" can only ever be "trans experiences".

When people say "transmisogyny" to refer to any and all oppression that impacts trans women, it's because they understand identity and oppression to be one and the same. Trans women's experiences with oppression cannot be understood as complex & nuanced interactions between different systems of oppression- they are always considered transmisogyny, because the person experiencing them is a trans women, and the oppression of trans women is called "transmisogyny".

It's a reductive and honestly immature understanding of how identity and oppression interact with and relate to one another, but I find it really helpful to understand it when breaking down the flaws in arguments like these ones.

*Some trans men (as well as other transmasculine people) can and do identify as women, and this logic is often applied to transmasculine people as a whole, which erases those folks as well. I'm just not sure what the most accurate term to use here is, honestly.

[whereserpentswalk]

Remember that supporting nonbinary people means supporting nonbinary people who don't medically transition, or who don't look androgynous, or who don't dressed differently from what's expected of their assigned gender.

And when I say "support nonbinary people who don't differ in presentation from their agab" I don't just mean fully medically transitioned transmasc femboy or transfem butches (though those people are cool and valid). You have to support people who don't medically transition, and that doesn't just mean naturally androgynous afab people who fit a butch tomboy aesthetic, or naturally androgynous amab people who fit a femboy aesthetic (though those people are valid and cool), you have to support nonbinary people whose appearance doesn't fit into any aesthetic of nonbinaryness. And not just people who plan to medically transition, or dress differently someday, you have to accept nonbinary people whose presentation is probably not going to change.

There are a lot of nonbinary people who just kind of look like cis men or cis women, and you have to accept that they're still nonbinary, that they're still valued members of the community. Nonbinary isn't an aesthetic for you to consume, it's not something people perform for you. It's an internal identity, and it's a community. We don't choose to be nonbinary (most of the time), and we shouldn't have to look a certain way for who we are to be recognized.

It even goes into the way nonbinary people (and trans people in general) are complimented, where it's always so focused on how alien the complimenter sees them as. It's always "girlcock", "boy boobs", "they/them pussy", it feels so fetishistic. And it's not even about how sexual it is, like "UwU you're such a cute genderless girlboy" feels more fetishistic than "you have dick sucking eyes". It's this focus on how the viewer enjoys them specifically as a deviantion from what they consider a normal human, as opposed to just being attracted to someone who happens to be a deviation from what most humans are. Like, I want to see someone express attraction to a nonbinary person, as opposed to just being attracted to nonbinary people as a concept. Like can people on here even really be attracted to transfem penises as penises anymore, like be attracted to them as sexual body parts they presumably want to interact with sexually, as opposed to fetishizing them as masculine body parts on a woman.

And I use chasers as an example because it's both obvious and way too common. But this acceptance without humanization is so common in so many queer spaces, and it's specifically so common twords nonbinary people. The focus on bodies, and the focus on how those bodies differ from from what someone considers as normal. As opposed to focusing on human beings and their experiences. And I think it's why it's so hard for people to accept nonbinary people who don't look diffrent from how their agab is expected to look and never will, because you have to accept experiences over aesthetics to support those people.

Like, I need to stress that if you meet a nonbinary person, whose afab, and isn't medically transitioned, and dresses femininely, you still have to accept that they're nonbinary, you have to accept that they're 0% female if they say they're 0% female. And its not just that you need to use their pronouns, you also need to not think of them as female. And I'm specifically using a non medically transitioned afab person as an example here because the internet, especially the queer internet, seems to have a specific hatred for those people (which combined with how transfem people are talked about, and how certain cis queer people are talked about, it makes me think a lot of the queer internet inherently sees feminine bodies as lesser, and sees bodies as losing value the more feminine they become).

And there's two things I mean by "it's important to support these people". The first is just that it's a lot of nonbinary people who are like this, and a lot of them are uniquely vulnerable or invalidated, and they deserve your support and love and validation. But also because if you don't support nonbinary people who don't "look nonbinary enough" for you, every nonbinary person you know is one failure to present in a way you deem valid away from losing your support. When there's a way someone can fail at nonbinaryness to you, than there aren't any nonbinary people you truly unconditionally validate.

I have to admit that I am a nonbinary person who looks a lot like their agab myself. Not telling you if I'm afab or amab, but I am telling you that I have no plans to medically transition, and I don't dress in a way that screams nonbinary. And it sucks in certain ways, especially now that I'm in my twenties and I've lost a lot of weight (both of these are things I'm happy about in general btw), I look so diffrent from what anyone wants to validate. The only time I see art of nonbinary people who look like me it's when they're specifically the opposite agab to me. It sucks that I feel like for at least 25% of the community will either always see me as basically the gender I was assigned at birth, or they'll basically see me as a binary trans person waiting to happen.

This was a lot of words and I don't know how to end it. Please reblog to support me and nonbinary people like me. It's going to be depressing to tag this a few moments from now and see just how many fetish tags you see recommended when you try to tag something with words like "enby" or "nonbinary". It fucking sucks that I see "#enby feedee" before I see "#enby pride".

[galactic-rhea]

What's your opinion on transfem (or gender indifferent) Anakin?

Do you think Anakin allows Padmé to play dress up with them regardless of gender?

Ohhh!!! Agreed to it all!

Generally I'm more of headcanoing Anakin as transmasc.,,, but I also can easily see Anakin as being transfem (also lesbian anidala rocks) or indiferent to gender in general. Saying this as someone whose response to "what's your gender?" Is "eh".

I believe that in the latter case, he wouldn't even stop and explain anything. He would go by anything and roll with it, only disclosing the "actually i'm agender" as a really intimate bit of info.

With a transfem Anakin, it makes me wonder about her first time she got gender envy and when she realized like, as a kid, I can see her first case of gender envy being Aayla or even before, maybe the handmaidens/ Queen Amidala or even Padme herself.

And with the dress thing, I think absolutely, no matter which gender (or lack thereof), but Anakin would try to play it as a "If You Insist", but the both of them know is an act, and is not even a good one 😆

That said, I do think he would have complex feelings about it, and a part of him would be... worried/guilty, but not because of gender, but because both the fact Jedi are supposed to be humble and their clothing should reflect that, and because he was previously a slave and there's a lot to unpack there bc slaves only dress good if their masters want to and there's also the fact that I imagine him stopping to think "this dress/tunic/etc that Padme got for me as a little whim is more expensive than what I ever was", and then some part of him would be alarmed because how dare him think of Padme like that, she isn't at all like a slave Master toying with him, that's an horrible thought,and going back in circles, you know, you know, Anakin's Anakinsm. Which would result that after some time, he would stop looking amusing and more conflicted and irritated at himself. Padme wouldn't quite get why, but she knows him well enough to realize he's surely angry at himself and not at her, so i don't think is something that would happen often.

But, overall, he would justify himself and try to chase the guilt away by saying these clothes don't even belong to him and is just some little play with his beloved.

I love any flavour of genderqueer Anakin, it just makes so much sense to me.

[airlock]

dunno if anyone's caught it in the air around me lately -- I'm kind of frustrated with the state of transfeminism.

I honestly hesitate to call it that. I've seen no shortage of people who keep appointing themselves as such when all they really do under that banner is engage in horrifying acts of transmisogyny, garden-variety transphobia, and general in-group forming.

don't get me wrong though; I'm not here to argue against the reality of transmisogyny. if anything, I feel more keenly aware of it than some of the people who bang on that drum constantly.

I'm sick of being lectured and called "uneducated" when I have disagreements, as if academia has now cracked all the answers to LGBT issues and I ought to just shut up and fall in line. I'm sick of being called self-hating and condescended to by people who can't imagine that I may have opinions that are based on my own principles, least of all by people who openly admit that they do not have opinions that are based on their own principles. I'm sick of seeing people undermine discussions about the shitty assumptions that people make of trans women by fully resembling the remarks in question and having the gall to act like being treated accordingly is just transmisogyny. I'm sick of people who flip-flop between acting like the true boddhisatvas of transfemininity and the victims of excessive wokeness as befits whichever narrative makes them right and everyone else prejudicious at a given time. I'm sick of this talk of "systemic issues, not individual issues" that turns into smoke the second it becomes about deciding who is or isn't allowed at the table. I'm sick of idpol being touted as the critterion that decides who is or isn't allowed at the table, but people who aren't transfem can say and do whatever they want as long as you agree with it (because they're standing up for us, you see! we need people to stand up for us even against ourselves), whereas transfem people who don't totally dance to the party line are suddenly fair game to remind that they too can be transmisogynistic. I'm sick of how some transfem experiences are just individual and dismissable, while others are collective and systematic and the true canon, and the distinguishing line between these things is nothing but the designated in-group.

and above absolutely anything else, I am beyond sick of watching transfems get dogpiled and scrutinized by transfems who complain about being dogpiled and scrutinized.

it's rare that this sort of thing should get me this heated. I don't exceptionally begrudge people who """should know better""" engaging in prejudice, not really. firstly, because that'd be holding them to a higher standard than people with greater privileges, which is all backwards; secondly, because in any case I choose my allies based on their actions and not their identity, anyway. nonetheless, I think it just really makes me want to vomit when people invoke my name, claim that it's for my benefit, when they get to arguing that it's fine to call people theyfabs. all the moreso when they make no secret of how eager they are to socially isolate me if I refuse to accept that.

and you know what? I ought to extend the favor that I expect. I will miss some of y'all with false talk of trans sisterhood. I, for my part, fully accept any accusations of being divisive, because I am. I'm a radical inclusionist. I do not break bread with harassers, I do not break bread with people who argue in my name against the reality of the transphobia that others experience as if it's a matter of turnabout, and I do not break bread with people who, emboldened by their bubbles, speak over me.

I hope you'll not begrudge me talking about my intracommunity issues without some scalene reminder that I don't like transmasc terfs either. at the rate things seem to be going lately, I hope there are transfems left around here that I could still get along with if I draw this line in the sand. I hope it's even possible for some us to get along even if we don't agree every last part of this, or other matters of transfeminism (I am ambivalent on the "tma/tme" thing for example if that's a point of concern); set your own prequisites for that, but all I ask is not to be treated like shit, based on the golden rule if nothing else.

[gotouhitori]

Okay, so. I'm in Love with the Villainess. Watashi no Oshi wa Akuyaku Reijou. WataOshi. Whichever title you want to refer to it by.

Before reading or watching it, I wondered why the hell people were holding up this random villainess isekai light novel with an over-the-top masochist main character as a landmark yuri title. Okay sure I don't doubt there's yuri going on, but how can it be so special?

Then I watched the anime. "Huh. The series and its main character are clearly and unambiguously lesbian in a way that so many other series can't bring themselves to be. And it has the most frank discussion of queer issues I think I've ever seen in anime or related media. Yeah, I think I see now, it is a cut above." And both because I've heard the novels get into a few things a little more and because the series now has its hooks in me enough for me to want to read the novels anyway, I read the first novel. And yeah, that does add a bit.

And then I read the second novel. The latter bit of the anime does cover the first bit of the second novel, but it's mostly new territory for an anime-only or anime-first such as myself. And holy fucking shit. Spoilers under the cut.

For one thing, the anime/first novel dropped some trans hints about Yu, and that turns out to be a whole transfem allegory - which isn't unheard of by any means, but it's not especially common in a work where that isn't the main focus. And not only that, but there's an actually explicitly textual transmasc in Rae's past life, who forms part of Rae's motivation to make considerable effort and take considerable risk (up to and including treason) to make sure Yu can live as a girl - once Yu states that is what she wants, it is important to note. Random yuri villainess isekai light novel says trans rights, and will absolutely stand by it.

And then all of the stuff about class and inequality comes to a head, and remember how the game that Rae's in the world of is titled "Revolution"? Yeah. One of those happens. Various hints have been dropped about what happens, largely centred on Rae making efforts to save Claire's neck in the most literal way possible when things really go down. But holy shit does that turn out to be more effort and a much more complex endeavour than it appears at first... or for most of the time while it's going on, for that matter. Ultimately she arranges things so that while the revolution still happens (it is basically inevitable), overall loss of life and suffering is minimised, and the general situation is as good as it possibly could be. By the time the proverbial smoke clears, Rae and Claire are openly living as a couple, which is a lot more than you usually see - one of the things Rae comments on is how in per previous life, too much of the yuri she read ended with at least one of the girls either dead or winding up with a man, which annoyed her enough to write fanfic based on series she likes with unsatisfying endings to fix that. And though the game did have a yuri spinoff, the original - the events of which she was living through and manipulating - was het. The character she winds up with was never supposed to be a romanceable character to begin with.

And that's just the first two of the five novels. Living through and changing the course of an actual revolution and settling down with her partner is just 40% of the whole story. (And less if more novels get published.) I've just started the third novel, and it's certainly looking like the rest is going to be at least as much of a ride as the first two were.

This really is an outstanding series. It's Dungeon Meshi levels of "I cannot stop thinking about it" to me, which if you've seen how much I post about that, says a lot. And I haven't read even half of it yet.

[genderkoolaid]

Hey, do you remember all that "discourse" surrounding the term "Achillean'?

For a while I kept seeing people both dismiss and defend it saying "only chronically online transmasc teenagers use it"

I'm a transfem nb in hir later life, and the term acchillean has given me a way to describe my attraction and it's genuinely a really important part of my identity.

I hope it becomes as common of a term as sapphic, personally.

Oh yeah, I've discussed that discourse a bit on here. I think the pushback is one part political lesbianism (the idea that lesbian culture is special and under attack and needs to be protected from outsiders esp males from corrupting its pure feminism) and one part anti-transmasculine homophobia (gay trans men are cringey teens who don't understand what it means to be gay, whose contributions to gay culture aren't legitimate unless cis gay men approve of them).

& while historicity doesn't make a term more valuable inherently, achillean isn't even a newly-coined word. People have been using Achillean to refer to homoerotic relationships between men for a very long time, it's just that (afaik) gay trans men online were the ones who started to repopularize it, ergo the anti-transmasculinity.

I'm really glad it's been so helpful for you though! I also really hope it becomes more popular. Both sapphic and achillean are good terms for describing queer attraction/relationships that unify different identities. They also don't rely on gender labels, so generally they're good for being able to communicate "attraction in a gay male way without necessarily identifying myself as a man."

Unfortunately they are also very Western, although I've seen some people from coining similar terms based on queer people from their own cultures which is cool! Especially since that adds another layer of nuance, framing types of attraction not as universal but as grounded in specific cultural associations (ofc that's not to say non-White/Western people can't ID as sapphic or achillean).

[reorientation]

I'm ftm and I've been on HRT for 5 years, had top surgery and I generally pass really well. My passport says I'm male, too. But until very recently, I never even saw a real cock in person, despite being a fairly horny person - I've only had sex with two people, both afab and transmasc as well. Ironically, I was the dom-ish one in both of these relationships, too.

But... I kept spending a lot of time online browsing through humiliation and misgendering porn. Reddit, tumblr, all that stuff. I kept fantasizing about being used like that. The rougher the better. I've got so many fantasies about it.

It took me a long time to finally install grindr. First, I chickened out and uninstalled it. And then installed again. Uninstalled. Installed.

And one night, around midnight, I started writing with someone. He lived 5 minutes from me. Told me I could come for a quick discreet fuck, just that, like I'm a fleshlight. And... I did. I went out, came to his house, got bent over and for maybe 8 minutes, he fucked my pussy, groped my ass and made me feel like a toy.

I loved it.

I didn't even get to cum, obviously. He didn't even ask for my name until afterwards. And then I told him to hit me up if he ever needs to unload again. It was my first cock ever, first one I've seen and first one I've let inside my most private parts, and the first cock even saw me as a fleshlight because that's how I advertised myself.

I kept grindr on my phone after that. I'm not using it too much, but it's there, waiting for me. And I did have a few more encounters after this one. I guess it awoken the slut inside me...

While this first guy used a condom, I was quick to find a second one. And I was so horny that I let him cum inside me (he even took some pics). I'm not on any contraception apart from T, which isn't contraception, and I'm scared like hell of getting pregnant. So afterwards, I had an awkward pharmacy talk, because I came in and said 'I need emergency contraception', they asked if it's for me, they stared at me and said 'it's for females'. I didn't sleep at all this night (because he was too busy with my body...) and I stood there like a dumb bitch for a few seconds while the guy (he came with me) said 'he's female' and that unlocked something in my brain and I said I'm trans.

Today, I might get fucked raw by another guy again. I had enough brains to get on birth control after that awkward pharmacy talk but apparently not enough brains to stop offering my cunt to strangers...

Oh also it's the ftm who just send you a long ask about fucking people from grindr and having an awkward pharmacy talk and possibly fucking another stranger tonight, I thought I should add some kind of name so you know who I am so uhmmm I guess my deadname would be a good fit and knowing you know it along with the fact that I'm offering my pussy to strangers will be kinda hot. So hi, I'm Alice uhh, and nobody used this name for me in years...

🎵One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small 🎵

Except for you, Alice, I suppose it's "keeps you small" - without that little pill, you might already be swelling. 🖤

Sometimes things happen very fast, don't they? You hadn't even seen a cock in real life, for all those years, and then just a few days after you sent your first Grindr message, you were out in public listening to the man who'd just fucked his cum into you tell a stranger that you're female.

How did it feel to have them looking at you, Alice? To feel their eyes on you and realize that they knew you had a fresh load of cum inside your pussy. To realize that after all your efforts to pass, you still ended up having to admit that you have a fertile womb, and that a real man had put his seed into it.

It felt good, didn't it? Being a cumdump, and having them know it. Being humiliated in public because you'd been so desperate to give your pussy to a stranger. Having them see right through your identity to the needy little cunt underneath.

But maybe they're not seeing through anything. You've been dreaming of "misgendering" and letting men use you as a fleshlight without even asking your name. Maybe this is your new identity - not a man, just a needy little cunt.

[wanderpawn]

An In-Depth Analysis of Neuvillette's Character Stories and how they tie into my headcanons

I posted part of this on twitter yesterday because some fellow neuvifuri enjoyers were asking me to write a Neuvillette character analysis, so I'm posting it here, too. And I realized I never actually explained why I believe the things I believe about Neuvillette, so I'll be doing that here as well.

This analysis is divided into three parts— Foundation, Gender Identity, and Dissociative Identity. The "Foundation" section is the basis for all of my headcanons for Neuvillette.

⟡ Foundation

Neuvillette’s character is essentially a story about being freed, which is a parallel to Furina’s story. Though, instead of being freed from a burden put onto them by others, Neuvillette’s story is about finally being freed from a burden placed upon themself, by themself.

It’s the symbolism of external conflict vs. internal conflict that makes Furina and Neuvillette's relationship so interesting.

Neuvillette is a very strong person, having been able to be completely impartial and separated from society for their entire life. Something that’s mentioned a lot in their character information is that they’ve always felt like an outsider around others.

They felt like they had to “act as a normal human,” which prevented them from being unequivocally themself.

But after the events of Masquerade of the Guilty, there was no longer a need to be so closed-off. The worst had already happened, and there was nothing left except to pick up the fragmented pieces of what they once had, and put them back together.

Despite regaining the full extent of their Dragon Sovereign's powers, Neuvillette was left having become even more human than they were before. Just as Furina became fully human with Focalors’ sacrifice, it could be argued that Neuvillette did, too (metaphorically).

There is no longer a need for Neuvillette to pretend. Now they are free to exist, in whichever way they choose.

⟡ Gender Identity

Neuvillette is not human, despite how human they seem. They are in essence a Hydro Dragon, and given what we know about dragons in Genshin (re: Zhongli, the genderfluid shapeshifter) and what we know about the Archons (inherently genderless), we can assume Neuvillette is also inherently genderless.

And the truth of the matter is that they take the form of a man, so we can assume they've done that by choice, i.e., pretending to be a "normal human", or what a normal human looks like in their eyes. And if they have dysphoria with how they look (which is not necessarily a trans thing in this case, dysphoria can also be dissociative), they would want to assume the role that would alleviate it. Therefore, Neuvillette = transmasc. I need to be clear about that.

So, after regaining their powers, and feeling the weight lifted off their shoulders, it would make sense that they'd stop caring about looking like a "normal human" as much, and assume their naturally genderless stance.

⟡ Dissociative Identity

These excerpts all have one thing in common: incongruence.

Definition (in psychology): "Incongruence is when there is a misalignment and not a balance or overlap between the real self and the ideal self." (link)

Neuvillette's struggle with incongruence can be interpreted as Neuvillette themself, the alter, being Neuvillette's mind's manifestation of what a "normal human" looks like, which can be backed up by the quote "The only person who isn't really him is the one who goes by the name of Neuvillette."

It's really convoluted... it took me a while to understand, too.

I'll try to explain it like this: Neuvillette is the one who is trying to fit the mold of a human. That's why the Melusines say they're not really the "real Neuvillette"— because the "real" Neuvillette has desires and a personality that Neuvillette has subconsciously decided doesn't fit for a "human" to have. (of course, there's some cognitive distortion going on there.)

The "real" Neuvillette is the one I like to call Leviathan. They're the one who shows up more after the events of Masquerade of the Guilty. They're the one who has the courage to cut their hair short and smile at their friends.

Of course, all of Neuvillette's parts are equally Neuvillette, it's just worded that way for literary effect, I suppose.

⟡ Conclusion

In the end, Neuvillette's story is a story about being freed, but it's also very much a story about identity, at its core.

It was fun to write this... I'm sorry it's so long... but it really is nice to have all of my theories written out finally. I've been rolling all of this around in my head for the entire past year! It's so nice to see it in words :')

Hopefully you found it interesting!

[mayasaurusss]

I've been thinking about transmasc!shauna :(((

-💗

A/N: Hi 💗anon! I'm so so sorry I took this long to make this but i was conflicted on two ideas I got, since i didn't know if you wanted a sfw or nsfw headcanon/blurbs or a oneshot so, since I'm so cool and amazing, I did both! So, expect a Transmasc!Shaun oneshot (with a little twist ;) ), to come out in a few days.

Warnings: sfw, short and maybe kinda rushed, ooc Shaun, he is a clumsy and embarrassed boy, he is taller than us here because I said so, beginning of a relationship.

ANON! If you wanted general transmasc Shauna blurbs with more details about you, him and his journey with transition, ask away! I'd be more than happy to do them! I'm sorry if this isn't what you expected, I wasn't completely sure about how to do this but I tried my best!

Shaun who would fall in love with you the first time he sees you reading 'Pride and prejudice' on a bench outside of school.

He is totally smitten with you. He definitely told Jackie right away about his little crush and she, like the best friend she is, made a detailed plan on how to get your attention. And, since Jackie has befriended you -came to your desk after you had just moved schools and, oh so casually asked to be your friend- at the start of the school year (Shaun thinks:"What? She hasn't told me?" with an annoyed look on his face), this could flow all more smoothly.

This detailed plan consists of: Jackie approaching you after class with the intent of asking you to hang out after school, Shaun barging in the conversation asking Jackie something about helping him with literature studies -which Jackie knows is your favorite subject ever in your course-, excusing herself from his demands and asking you to aid her friend. It's perfect, Jackie thinks, Shaun feels this is too much but who is he to complain? Everything goes smoothly till, when he has to act his part in the plan, Shaun accidentally trips on thin air and falls, the contents of his backpack spilling all over the ground and the remains of his coffee staining his papers and shirt.

He is silent, his cheeks getting red with embarrassment. Both him, Jackie and you do not move for a moment, until the first one to move is you. You neatly pick up the papers and books that have fallen near you, meeting his eyes and looking at him with worry, "Are you ok?". His lips feel dry and his blood pressure rises causing him to redden even more than before "U-u-hh I... I am okay...", he feels like he is going to melt on the spot.

When he gets up, you have already helped him with all of his belongings, Jackie hadn't moved at all from her spot, too embarrassed (even if she hadn't been the one to be utterly humiliated in front of her crush). You try to lighten up the situation, joking about it all, Shaun laughs with you but he is in discomfort: the only chance he had to be the 'cool mysterious guy' blew off of his face, leaving a clumsy and stupid version of himself to the girl in front of him. You, on the other hand, don't think of him in that way: sure it was a bit embarrassing, and also funny, but he must've felt really embarrassed so you don't think about it too much.

Sometime passes, Shaun for the first days after closes himself in his room, remembering it all and changing inside his mind what happened. Jackie tries to call him, but he is unreachable; everything is starting to get ridiculous so Jackie rings the bell of Shaun's house and finds before her, her friend emotionally destroyed. She tries to comfort him, but to no avail; he is also angry at her but he won't mention it, otherwise Jackie would never let him hear the end of it. Much to his surprise, Jackie says that you asked him, "Is he ok? I haven't seen him" and "If he still needs help with the exam, I am here". He is very much red by now, the little hairs at the end of his neck standing up and his eyes watery. "...Really?".

When you meet him again, Shaun is tidy, he wears one of his flannel shirts and gray jeans, he has shaved the uneven peach fuzz that grew on his lips due to testosterone, and has a small red cut on the left side of his lip ("Who knows what she likes?" he tells Jackie while messily shaving himself "And besides I don't want to look like a barbarian!" says while unnoticing the small cut that he made. "Ah!" Jackie laughs, "Now you look like you've gotten into a fight with a cat!"). He tries to act cool, despite his total lack of knowledge on how to. When he sits down with you for the study session, the common hall is silent and you have to whisper, causing him to get a bit flustered. Your study session is cut short when you guys start to have an actual full-on conversation; unknowingly, you both start to talk and laugh a bit more loudly than normal, causing both of you to be escorted out of the library. Out, you two forgot completely your duties and spent an entire afternoon hanging out and talking. You notice it's starting to become dark, and when you look at the hour you see that you've lost an entire afternoon of study: you apologize profusely to him, and schedule another meeting. He can't complain, he gets to see you more.

For a while, this is your routine: meeting, trying to study, chatting and losing track of time. Until the exam gets close, so you try to help Shaun as much as possible and, with little to no surprise, he passes the exam. You are so proud of him, very much so, but now there is the little problem of how to see him again; he doesn't need your help again after all, maybe he never did. So you stay silent, hoping he will reach out to you. Unknowingly to you, Shaun feels the exact same, staring at his phone on the nightstand and hoping to receive a call. But none of you make the first step, both too afraid of rejection. That is when Jackie steps in, barging into Shaun's home with new, like Cupid, she strikes him with "She wants to see you again, I think she might like you". He is on cloud nine, his heart pumps fast and it looks like he might die of happines on the spot.

He calls, asking you to meet him at the same bench he saw you sitting on the first time. When you come, he is all giddy and blushy, he tries to rub off his tension from his hands. His voice is struck in his throat, he is the first to talk "I think...I would like to see you again, if it's fine..." you would like to kiss him, you think, but you're not sure he would like it at all, so instead you mutter "Sure...I would like that too'' with a smile. Your eyes met and without notice, you locked lips in a kiss. It's passionate, it's relieving, it's months of feelings and desires all in one kiss. You let out a breathy laugh, causing him to laugh in the kiss with you also, his arms hug your waist and you his neck, impossibly close to one another. He sighs, his heart is speeding and he feels a happines so strong that it almost seems pain,"Thank you, thank you, thank you...", he holds you close and strokes your cheeks “Thank you!".

[mogai-sunflowers]

I hate it when I can't use a term that fits me very well because my brain (which processes everything with images) has an image of that term that doesn't look like me.

Like when I think of "transmasc" and all that pops into my head are skinny, white, American boys with very basic styles (which isn't a bad thing, it's just "too basic" for me personally), and of course, who look like cis boys and hate their bodies or prefer other body.

Meanwhile, I'm a POC, fat, Latine person, with questionable style (/joke), who CERTAINLY doesn't look like a cis boy and who really loves their body.

How could I use a term when my brain tells me that term doesn't fit people like me? I hate that. It's just me?

hey anon. i so wish I could reach through this screen and tell you that who you are is perfect and that you have every right to terminology that feels right, but as a fat trans person myself I know it takes more than kind words to deal with a pain like this, and one that’s even more intersectional than mine with your race and culture in the picture.

but that image you have in your head of what transmasc means, that is not the reality. that is what a small part of the community, of the world, WANTS you to think because they would rather throw other members of their community under the bus to gain faux acceptance for themselves, which is NOT your fault, but it’s also not everyone, there are so many people in this community who look like you or who truly stand with you. Transmasculine history is and never has been white or thin or any of that.

I’m going to link a few things you may want to look into if you’re wanting to start accepting your identity a little more, or just to see that you really ARENT alone. trans men/transmascs of color have been part of our history since the beginning. some of these things im sharing may be somewhat nsfw and have the word 'tranny' in them, just as a warning if that stuff bothers you.

newspaper clipping showing three trans men of color at a festival for a film they were part of, the first ever sexual/porn film by and for trans men of color

some pictures showing some fat trans men and trans men of color at marches are here

Bobby Cheung, the Asian and Pacific Islander trans man who won the Mr. Transgender San Francisco Pageant in 2004

trans men of color discuss intersectionality in a film they directed called "Trappings Of Transhood"

a photo showing the attendees of an FTM conference- you can see many non-white people in attendance

a photo of a group of Latino trans men who attended Tranny Fest in 1999

basic info on victor j mukasa, a Black transmasc lesbian active in East African LGBTQ rights scene

an older fat trans gentleman's photo and experience

a post on pauli murray (please look them up. his experience is much more nuanced than this post gives them credit for, and she was a wonderful intersectional activist)

various trans men (many fat and of color) who have contributed to our history

a conference of Indian trans men

the story of a trans man named Ben

one of my personal favorite transmasc historical figures, Amelio Robles Ávila

Zander Keig, the fat Latino trans man who won social worker of the year in 2020

a wonderful read on the intersectionality of transmasculinity and race

a digital archive of trans and queer Latino history

the Instagram page of a popular Black drag king

an article with interviews with various drag kings, including several of color

Florence Hines, the Black drag king once called the most excellent male impersonator in America

more drag kings many of color!

Drag Kings: An Archaeology of Spectacular Masculinities in Latino America

anon, it is so easy to feel like you are alone when your own history has been unfairly erased from you. but when I say “you are not alone”, I am not offering empty words of comfort- YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Transmasc and similar identity has truly NEVER actually been just for white people or thin people. You are WONDERFUL, and you are ABSOLUTELY a part of trans masculinity and transmasculine history is YOUR history and community as much as it is mine and others. You belong.

[dee-the-red-witch]

how did you get past “just being gnc”? asking for me, i’ve been in that mindset on and off for years. if you don’t mind sharing

I... okay, look, that's like a question with two other subtextual ones rolled up into it in a donut all at once. And I have an all-day road trip tomorrow, so I don't have a ton of spoons to spare, but I'm still gonna try and tackle all three. And I'm gonna hit the subtext questions first, because they're important and play into it. 1. What's a good way to come out as trans?

There fucking isn't one. For anyone of any gender. There is no perfect way for anyone to come out. It will always be awkward, there's always going to be some kind of price to pay, and you are never going to know that full price up front. It's also just about always less than the price of NOT coming out, though. 2. What's a good way for *ME* to come out as trans?

Okay, this one ties into my own story some, but the shorter version? I don't know. I can't tell you. Because I don't know your details and what's going to work for you or how. What I can tell you is that nobody is going to magically guess it for you, no one's going to give you permission to do it, and you're gonna have to start it yourself. There's folks that will absolutely help later down the line, but you have to initiate and start things, even if it's babysteps. Case in point... 3. ENOUGH SUBTEXT, DENICE, how'd YOU get past just being a guy?

It's complicated. I'd been in denial since the late 90's. so there was a LOT of personal bullshit, and art, and other work, and everything, packed up in and around my gender like mad. Like a wad of gum with a bunch of other stuff stuck to it- and sometimes when a piece finally got pulled free, part of the gum came up with it. Bad analogy, probably. Still. When I finished writing, and laying out, and publishing my first book (and practically screaming HI! IT ME! AM TRANS! in the afterword and other bits, because that's what happens when I write a historical horror novel with a GNC-transmasc-ish protag) I felt empty. Hollow. For months. I was trying and struggling to get a second book off the ground, and having this weight start settling over my head. Only it was like three months early for my usual denial ideation episode. Meanwhile, on facebook, my friend J who was dealing with the tail end aftershocks of a nasty divorce from an even nastier asshole. And of course she was going off about a very rational distrust and dislike of Men and some of their behaviors in particular, and I just had that goddamn black wave of ideation set in on me in full and was mentally internally screaming "But I'm not a fucking man!" and I did the one thing I'd never done in twenty plus years of dysphoria, denial and ideation. I said it out loud. Nobody in the apartment to even hear me. But I said it. And repeated it. And so help me, that depression/denial/ideation wave that I knew was going to end with me hurting myself or worse started immediately fading. I started switching my pronouns over to they/them on my social medias almost immediately. Like I said. Baby steps. But it was enough- one of my partners noticed the update and flat out asked me about it the next time she was over, and that's how I ended up coming out as nonbinary to both her and the rest of my immediate family. And a few days later online all over as well. Realizing I was a girl took a bit, because enby felt right, but not all the way right. I'd started t-blockers already because I knew I had dysphoria issues (just no idea how serious they were) and then started E. All of which was made easier by being in an informed-consent state and having a doctor who had zero issues with prescribing them, and more than a little bit of a mad scientist nature. Three days into Estrogen I just had this one weird moment of driving and hitting a sunny patch of road and suddenly I was happy and laughing in a way I'd NEVER been. That's when it started really clicking for me. When I realized that what had been holding me back was a lot of internalized shame and conditioning that I needed to unpack and get rid of. That's all where I started. (and yes, it meant a whole extra round of comings out and updates and everything, but well, here I am.) I hope that wall of text helps some? But yeah. Take baby steps. Things move from there as you figure it out. But you can't figure it out while you're holding yourself back.