#NEITHER WOULD HAVE EVER EXPECTED IT

[sjweminem]

Do you think at some point Hoffman like, tells Strahm How he got there? Like that the Baxter trap was before he was even an apprentice, his relationship with his sister, etc. And he just ends up fucking bawling because she was all he had and then the asshole that murdered her got out on a technicality, how it made sense, to kill him That Way, using a trap? To torture him for it. Even if he doesn't really acknowledge the appeal that John held for him then, being completely alone and being given a Purpose framed as a way to make people pay when they otherwise wouldn't, to make them face justice, he's just sobbing because it's all been misery and being alone even with John and Amanda and Strahm can't help but feel for him and just ends up holding him and hating everything that lead Hoffman to that point.

[chronologically-challenged]

I think that the party's communication issues can be summed up as "man, is it awkward to tell someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with them if you've only know them for a few months? Probably."

[necrotic-nephilim]

For the au ask game

What do you think would happen if damian got a crush on dick and a good while after he proposed to dick in front of the 'bat-fam', they weren't dating so obviously dick is surprised but do you think they'd get together, how would the rest react?

for the ask game!

oooh, this is fun, bc there are a lot of directions to take it, how i think i'd write it tho is-

Damian would wait until he's an adult. he knows that's when it becomes Permissible to court Dick publically. everyone's always sort of known that Damian had a childhood crush but hey, he can join the club, most of them have gone through it at some point. no one says anything, bc they assume Damian will grow out of it, and even assume he has, by the time he's an adult. maybe he's dated and had brief flings that never worked out. no one realizes how *planned out* this is for Damian. he's in it for the long haul, having distractions thrown up to throw everyone off his scent. silently sabotaging Dick's relationships in ways no one even realizes, especially not Dick. Damian has been waiting for this, and he plans to do it the way he's been raised: romance is a lifetime bond that cannot be severed, and thus, it includes marriage. i like the idea that no one *told* Damian this explicitly, but how his mother taught him about love and how he sees Western relationships naturally led him to this assumption.

when Damian properly proposes, i think everyone would be so baffled, Dick included, that it'd come across as a joke. Damian planned it in front of others on propose- he wanted to mark his territory clearly and put the social pressure on Dick to have to navigate the situation correctly. bc Dick never wants Damian to feel embarrassed or humiliated. so there's a long, tense silence. someone maybe laughs and tries to crack a joke, with Damian calmly saying he's deadly serious. he expected the ridicule and it's not getting to him. i think it's extra fun if Dick quietly asks Damian to talk in another room about this and they leave and everyone is trading jokes and comments about what Dick is saying and why on earth Damian would even do that, trying to decide if this is a weird version of a prank. so an hour later when Dick and Damian come back out and DIck is *wearing the ring*, everyone is baffled.

Dick intends to say no. he's going to be *kind* about it but of course he's saying no. Damian might be in his 20s now, but he's still a *kid* in Dick's eyes, and Dick could never see him that way. but Damian lays out his reasoning, because he expected a rejection. he's very clear about the logistical aspect of it. how he objectively makes a good partner for Dick, and how getting married would provide stability for the family dynamic as well as the legal aspect of Bruce's company. it's all so well laid out Dick can barely get a word in edge wise. Dick tries to bring up how they're basically family and Damian calming corrects him that no, Dick was only ever Bruce's ward. Damian even brings up instances where Dick expressed a romantic love. bc i do think it's fun if Dick briefly Noticed Damian in that way. never deep enough to develop a full crush, but he definitely noticed when Damian went from a scrappy kid to an adult with toned muscles and his father's jawline. and Damian concludes his speech by saying if Dick has no arguments, then Damian assumes they're proceeding. and well, Dick *has* no real arguments. besides the fact he doesn't want to, which given Damian knows there's attraction there, he's able to easily combat that argument, saying Dick does want it, he's just doubting himself. so, frustrated and not prepared for this argument, Dick says yes, mostly bc of how flustered he is.

Dick's intended plan is to show Damian how bad of an idea their relationship would be. which is what he tells everyone, saying he's just doing this so Damian can learn how terrible their relationship would be and Damian will get it all out of his system. it's like indulging a child trying to set their own bedtime and letting them so they learn why they need sleep. and that works well for about a month, until Dick is realizing, he kind of enjoys this relationship. Damian is a dotting lover, and he's *right*, that he well balances most of Dick's worst traits in a relationship. it has been canonically said that Dick would do best with a partner like Bruce and well, what's Damian if not a more feral clone of Bruce. he has the same intensity that Dick needs, while also respecting he can't control everything about Dick's life. he doesn't expect or demand intimacy of any kind out of Dick, but Dick somehow finds himself sleeping in Damian's arms. (i'm a fan of Damian being a brickhouse as an adult and actually slightly larger than Dick) their first kiss isn't a surprise, bc Damian calmly asks if he can kiss Dick, what's surprising is that Dick says yes before he even thinks about it. he tells himself he's just curious. and it's a *good* kiss, which is even more frustrating. it's the sort of kiss where his hands wander and he's pulling Damian into his lap before Damian pulls away and calmly says he needs consent from Dick to go further. which makes Dick go pink bc, all of this was *not* how this was supposed to go. this was supposed to be a bluff, and now he thinks he's actually dating Damian.

the reactions would take a while to settle in. everyone still sees this as a ridiculous thing that'll blow over, eventually. bc Dick promised this wasn't a *real* thing and well, it *sounds* so ridiculous it can't really sink in. Damian's at that age where he's *just* now transitioning into being seen as an adult by the family. everyone who's on the younger side of the family will know, there's when you become an adult legally, and then there's when you become an adult socially, and those are very different times. Damian's just on the cusp, where a lot of the Batfam still see him as a kid. so it's difficult to grasp that he's old enough to be dating, let alone dating Dick. the longer it lasts the more the hidden laughs become shared looks as it sinks in. i think Bruce wouldn't know *how* to react. so many emotions just cancel out to the point that if he's asked, he just walks out of a room. Tim would be on the more negative side of reactions, whereas Cass is on the more positive. it's heavily varied, with the typical concerns being brought up. but no one can really *do* anything about it. and Dick is *Dick*, he's more trusted than Bruce is by the family, so they sort of have to go along with whatever he does. and more importantly, they trust his judgment. if he's riding this out, then everyone's riding it out with them. eventually, it sort of just becomes part of the dynamic. it goes from a joke to accepted so easily no one really notices when they started taking it seriously. which is the fun of it being so normalized that they don't realize it as a Thing anymore. it's just how Damian and Dick are, which is my favorite brand of things.

[tacagen]

dont know whether zixx is a bishop clone or not? a 100% accurate test: put a wedding in front of him and see what he does.

[brw]

Why is Vision in that fuckass suit.

[evilkitten3]

people on the fanon wiki will just straight up announce that they haven't actually watched the show huh

[allright]

thinking of a royalty au with eventual poly!nanago...

[the-terrible-theys]

silli goofi alignment chart

elaboration in tags (i think i’m so funny for it)

[always-a-slut-4-ghouls]

I have this tea cup I made in highschool (it’s really cute and was designed more like those Japanese ones without a handle than it was those fancy English style with even more elements to them) but I never actually asked if the glaze we used was food safe (we all used the same glaze on those cups specifically because the teacher glazed those ones in particular and I don’t remember checking. I glazed and painted every other project but only one of them was something you would use for food and that thing broke a few years ago and was honestly more decorative) and this has haunted me ever since. It’s a super cute cup and I adore it, but I have no idea if I can use it for its intended purpose and while I could buy a lead testing kit I’m not sure how I would check for anything else that might have been in that glaze. I know the color used but not the brand, so that’s not really a help either. The teacher I had left the district after that year because our school district paid art teachers a shit wage and we rotated through them like elementary school kids needing new shoes every year. I’m not entirely sure how I would contact her, but even if I did track her down (something not entirely impossible from what I know about her life outside of teaching us for a year, I would feel slightly weird about it though, even though she was my favorite art teacher) but I highly doubt she would remember something like the glaze she used on one project her students made at a school she taught at for one year. I’m not sure what other testing kits I would need besides lead to confidently say it’s safe enough for my personal use, and it’s annoyed me for several years now.

[homewrecking-lore]

The treatment of female characters and their writing in Picard's season 3 has already been discussed a lot and much better than I ever could tbh, but I think the way Matalas built up how Tasha would be acknowledged in season 3 just to do what they is a good example of the problem.

The acknowledgement isn't even of her character or her legacy - it's just of Data's memory of her. As it's always been on TNG. That's it. It's like she stopped existing outside of that. So many of her character and relationship beats weren't even with Data. They were with Worf, Troi, Picard, even Geordi! And not once have any of them ever mentioned Tasha. The amount of time wasted on pointless Easter eggs and nostalgia bait and they couldn't bother to have a couple of lines between the other characters remembering their friend? It's so frustrating that Tasha has been consistently reduced to one of Data's trinkets across TWO shows - I'm slapping that goddamn holo statue out of his hands and into the void. We know Data recognized and mourned her loss, we've seen it time and time again, but that's all about Data's character and growth - not Tasha! Do something about HER!

[blujayonthewing]

reflecting on how all of my other DMs have gone above and beyond to lovingly weave my and my friends' backstory elements into the larger worldbuilding of the campaign by contrast to all of the ways Elyss' DM has gone out of his way to suppress or excise any influences her family may have ever had on anything and I'm genuinely near tears over it

[cottoncandysecretlair]

tfw u show up to the dr appointment and you haven't eaten in like 48 full hours and they ask you about your eating habits and you say you fast pretty often in accident because your stimulant messes up your hunger response

and they just look you up and down clearly not believing you before starting The Weight Loss Conversation™ and get told that fasting will guarantee you weight loss

[haml3t]

My eye doctor stayed open late three hours past close to talk philosophy with me :’)

[hcneymoon]

How did he put in low effort? Can u describe it? Maybe it raises my standards too lol

this guy I've been texting since saturday evening mind you has been pretty inconsistent with his responses and it made me lose all interest. there wasn't much to begin with but it's safe to say we're below zero now. he's asked to meet me this weekend and I agreed at first but will definitely not go through with it now.

[fucktoru]

satoru’s pregnant wife who can’t keep her hands off him. you’re far along now, and he swears that the more your stomach grows with his child, the hornier you get.

he had to keep on his toes around you in order to not get you so worked up. the pregnancy hormones were really getting to you, and you lashed out at him or cried over every little inconvenience. but what he had to be most careful about was the way he touched you.

if his hand lingered a little too long on your waist — the intention wholeheartedly innocent — you’d somehow take that as an invitation to palm his bulge. it’s happened numerous times recently—even in public!

his poor, pregnant wife had no shame nowadays. yeah, he’s done his fair share of groping your ass when others were around, but it was always under a private eye, secret giggles shared between the two of you.

unfortunately, you had picked up the habit of doing it out in the open. he couldn’t count the amount of times people would gawk in horror, all while you continued to browse the baby section, unbothered, as if you hadn’t squeezed his balls like a stress toy in front of dozens of people. maybe you were an exhibitionist?

either way, it was clear your thoughts only consisted of three things as of late: eat, sleep, and fuck.

how could he resolve this? he wanted to cry. this wasn’t fair! why couldn’t you be this thirsty for his cock when you weren’t pregnant? never in his life would he have thought you could out-freak him. and as badly as he wanted to fuck you senseless in return, he had to be gentle—cautious. sex was increasingly dangerous at this stage — according to the doctor after a long night of abusing your needy cunt — and you were driving him to the brink of madness with the way you were acting.

tensions were higher than they’ve ever been, neither of you speaking or acting on it. however, things came to ahead one morning while he was leaving for work. like usual, he stood by the door in his suit, prepared to head out after your usual once-over. it was a domestic routine he looked forward to every morning despite him whining in your ear about how he was going to be late, watching you softly as you “fix” his collar for the millionth time.

satoru wasn’t stupid. he could tell you were stalling for more time with him, not-so discreetly using it as an excuse to touch him. and don’t think he doesn’t notice how you’re practically sniffing him like an animal in heat. he knew just how much you loved the scent of his cologne, and it was as if you couldn’t help yourself around him when you caught a whiff of it.

now, here’s the part where he may have messed up. after your initial aggressive arousal towards him — plus with the advice the doctor gave him on the down low — he made sure to no longer kiss you on the lips in your current state, and instead, opted for your cheek. when you hand him his lunch, he leans himself down to your height, lips puckered to plant a chaste peck on your soft skin.

though, what he hadn’t expected was for you to outmaneuver him, slapping both hands on the sides of his head, tugging him close to the point that he stumbles as you begin to utterly ravish his mouth.

“mff—!”, satoru sputters in protest against your lips, eyes wide open in shock. his lunch slips from his hand, the bag falling to the ground with a thud. shaky hands hover over your waist, your protruding stomach pressing against his hard abdomen as move against him as sensually as you can.

he doesn’t touch you back just yet, but you force him to. gripping his wrists, you bring his large hands up to palm your round, tender breasts that swelled throughout these past few months. your soft, cherry-flavored lips moved against his in desperation, and he finally responds back, moaning into your mouth with just as much fervor, squeezing the plump flush of your soft tits. the whimper you let out to the massage sends a shudder down his spine and goes straight to his cock.

you pull back, and he finds himself chasing after your lips until you plant a firm hand on his chest. his breathing is ragged, pupils dilated as satoru stares down at you through his blindfold. he takes in the sight of your kiss-swollen lips and furrowed brows, certain he appeared just as flustered.

before he can utter a word, you gaze up at him through your lashes, a cheeky glint in your eyes that he knows all too well.

“stay.” you pout, and he almost finds the willpower left in him to say no—

“please?”

you didn’t have to ask him twice.

[babycharmander]

(BOOK OF BILL SPOILERS)

I just finished reading The Book of Bill and I am kindof losing my mind over some of this stuff.

I had wondered if Alex Hirsch might make Bill sympathetic in some way and oh boy I was not expecting him to do it so successfully (and without cheapening Bill's character).

So, we learn that Bill was born into a 2D world... as a mutant who can see into the third dimension. He claims he was absolutely loved by all, but when talking about his powers, he mentions under Pyrokinesis:

"Cipher, Cipher, he's insane / Starting fires with his brain." The kids in grade school could be so cruel. But where are they now, huh? WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

So probably not quite as liked as he was letting on. To add to that, there's the silly straw page, which looks like silly nonsense until you decipher some of the codes:

"EYE DOCTOR OF A DIFFERENT KIND / WHO WANTS TO MAKE HIS PATIENTS BLIND" "THE DOCTOR SAYS / THREE SIPS A DAY / WILL MAKE THE VISIONS / GO AWAY"

I wasn't sure what this meant until I saw someone point out... he was seeing a third dimension that no one else could see. His parents probably took him to the eye doctor to try to "fix" him. Which, speaking of his eye doctor, the coded message in the section about human eyeballs says something interesting:

"MY OPTOMETRIST NEVER SAW IT COMING"

It could be a joke given beforehand he's talking about dissecting a human eye, but given the previous hints of medical abuse, I wouldn't put it past him that he tried to get revenge on his eye doctor.

Oh yeah and the whole thing about him setting his entire dimension on fire? Yeah it turns out it was entirely a mistake (he just wanted everyone to understand the third dimension he was seeing so they could be free of only two dimensions), he was so traumatized by it he blacks out when trying to recall it. He deeply, deeply regrets it, and...

"What? Your ENTIRE home dimension? destroyed? How? By what?" Bill looked distant, more distant than I'd ever seen him. "By a monster."

He sees himself as a monster.

And yet, he's not some innocent, misunderstood being. He still revels in causing pain and chaos. He's terrible in general, but becomes incredibly abusive toward Ford.

"YOU'RE MY PROPERTY. DON'T FORGET IT. The hillbilly abandoned you, your father won't want you returning without millions, you have no friends, and if you died out here in the snow, who would even miss you?"

Which... speaking of him and Ford...

Yes, yes, I know people ship them. But like, whether you see their relationship as romantic or platonic (I see it as the latter), there's some interesting parallels to be made here.

Both Bill and Ford are mutants who were mocked for their being different. (Bill was not physically a mutant, as far as we know, but more in the sense of him having vision stronger than that of everyone else in his dimension, and also having special powers. And he does describe himself as a mutant.) Both became social outcasts, separated from their families but still haunted by them (Ford seeing commercials of Stan on TV and running across old photos of him and his brother, Bill being haunted by his family in some form). Neither could return home for one reason or another. Both more powerful than their peers (Ford intellectually, Bill in terms of actual powers). Both of them isolated and alone. (Yes, Bill does have the Henchmaniacs, but they seem like shallow friends, and only really seem to follow him out of a desire to have a place to party.)

Ford was not aware of most of this, aside from knowing that Bill could not go home because his dimension was destroyed. But Bill absolutely saw himself in Ford. There was no other person he tried to use whom he felt a stronger connection to.

And he actually seems to care about Ford--he actually gave him a birthday present, and when Ford didn't like it, he decided to get drunk and party with him instead to make up for it.

And then when Ford realizes what Bill's plan actually is and refuses to go along with it, and fights back no matter what Bill does, Bill completely breaks down.

After living for trillions of years, he met someone who was like him, and that person rejected him.

He goes berserk, wreaking havoc, being caught by the dimensional authority that he's been taunting for most of his life.

And then after dying and being cast out of hell for being too annoying, he winds up faced with the Axolotl, who sends him to therapy, where he continues to break down further, sending out the book in a desperate attempt to find someone, anyone who will help him break loose and wreak havoc once again.

"You have no friends, and if you died ... who would even miss you?"

I don't know, Bill. Who would even miss you?

In short,

[ID: The front and back of one of Bill's Valentines cards. On the front is a black void with Bill Cipher lying down without his hat, gazing blankly upwards, with the text "I DON'T WANT TO DIE ALONE" above him. On the back is a simple white "TO/FROM" in red, with a red outline illustration of Bill spontaneously growing a mouth and eating a realistic, bloody heart. /end ID]