#Love how my stranger things live blogging was the most!!! Thing I did this year

[dilf-docs]

hii i just read ur eddie x young reader. And i LOVE ITTTT

Can u please do something similar but with young neighbor reader? Where the reader moves in an apartment beside eddie . They meet each one day and they hit it off? (nsfw )

(Ignore this if u don’t like the idea or u can change it)

Knockin' On Heaven's Door

eddie brock x younger fem!reader

summary: you're what people call a ray of sunshine, probably the most likeable person in the planet. so why is this hot idiot next door so mean to you?

warnings: 18+ (minors dni), age gap (you know this blog lives by its name), smut, sunshine!reader x grumpy! eddie (cause his ass just got dumped lol), enemies to lovers (one-sided), kinda mean!eddie, porn with little to no plot, power goes out so they get freaky in the dark, use of pet names, p. in v. (unprotected) (use protection guys pls!!! unlike this dumbasses fucking raw in the dark), oral (m. receiving), creampie, no venom :(

word count: 4,069 words (it's almost midnight again, me thinks I've forever messed up my sleep schedule cause ain't no way inspo only grows as per my eyebags lol)

side note: got my first request on tumblr!! (insert scarlett johanson dancing in marriage story gif). i love looove the neighbours trope so much (hey! if i had a hot older neighbour i would be doing the most to interact with them, bet); hope this lives up to ur expectations even if i tweaked a few things! also, this happens after eddie gets dumped by anne and moves out of the house lol so he's angry, moppy, horny and dry. what if i make this a series tho, would you like that? requests are open!

You're what people call a ray of sunshine. Ever since you managed to talk, all that comes out of you is happiness: the first sound to come out of your mouth was a laugh, your first word was smile, you have Love as your second name, you made friends on real time record, the profession you chose was that of a patissier and the first ink to grace your skin was a little heart tattoo.

Okay, maybe you've made it your whole personality to be likeable. So what? It's not your fault you light up every place you go, that people love you effortlesly and that life seems to smile your way.

It's the way the cookie crumbles, a fitting phrase for a pastry chef like you. Your friends often joked about it: you, a sweet person, baking little sweet goods to make other's lives sweeter.

And you loved it: your life, your job, your family, friends, cat and little apartment in San Francisco.

There was just one thing missing: because no matter how sweet you made other's peoples worlds by existing, no one was there to make it for you.

Alright, you had enough love and just loved love for the sake of it. Sometimes, a tidbit of romance through your screen or through the couple-d lives of your friends sufficed such desire, but its a lie to say you haven't dreamed of your own.

So when Johanna, the girl who lives across you, comes rushing with the newest gossip: "hot new neighbour moving next door!", there's something that tells you it might be time.

"You have to see him" she emphasizes, "a total eye candy"

That ignites the curiosity inside you, and after some weeks hearing through your walls grunts next door and a constant shuffle of things originally packed in boxes, you find yourself knocking on his door, tray of cookies in your hands.

Yes, you did bake them for him. After all, your chocolate chip cookies are a killer! People do lines to get them at your aunt's cafeteria, just to taste the warm soft dough, the chocolate melting on their mouths. You do this for every other new neighbour that comes around, it's just how you are! But the cookie choice is totally intentional though.

The door flinges open, and for the very first time in years, you find yourself at loss for words; speechless.

The stranger before you is a face you'll never forget. Handsome, of course, but there is something alluring in his beauty, one you can't exactly name, but comes along in a pair of thick lips, brown warm eyes and ink sprinkled across strong arms. Your heart hammers in your chest, and it takes all in you to not drop the tray in your chest right here and now.

"Hey!" you find your voice again. Clearing your throat, you proceed. "You're our new neighbour, right? I'm y/n, I live next door. Thought you'd like something sweet to eat after all that effort" you push the tray to the front, "I made this myself!"

He just stares back, blinking. You think he may be confused by your random act, but it's quite normal to do so with newbies. You love welcoming acts!

The awkward stiffness he radiates doesn't deter you away, though. "This are for you" you insist, "or just take one, if you don't want them all..."

"I hate chocolate" he finally says, with such a scowl on his face, you'd think you killed his entire family.

Oh! He hates chocolate? Who hates chocolate?!

You suddenly feel small and stupid. Without much else to say, you don't know how to proceed. You have your way with words, but no one has ever rejected you in the cold open before. It's left you baffled.

Then, a light bulb goes on in your head.

"Wait, I know you!" he quirks an eyebrow. "You're that reporter from TV, Eddie Brock" you gush, "I love helping others, but what you do is amazing... you're, like on other level, giving a voice to those who don't have one"

You admired him; he was someone who was brave and cared.

"Not anymore" and then the door slams in your face.

It takes you a while to process there, standing in the eerie silence of the empty hall, that Eddie Brock may be the very first person in the world who doesn't like you.

In the end, you'd given the batch of cookies to the homeless people living around your building. Even if it made you feel good, the pang in your chest didn't go away. You simply couldn't forget about the incident (because of pride and embarrasment in equal parts), plus, the fact that he lived next door and you couldn't go on about your day without hearing him pace around his apartment, made the task of forgetting about it difficult.

So in the following days you've avoided him, which has been pretty easy so far, since he barely leaves his apartment and you're busy with work and stuff.

It's friday night, and with the next week's groceries in hand, you take the elevator. The door's about to close when it opens again. You can't believe it: after successfuly evading him for five days, Eddie Brock is trapped with you inside the reduced space; you shouldn't been lazy and taken the stairs instead.

"'Night" he mutters, and you swear you've gone deaf because you barely hear so. You don't know what to do, so you just stand there, clutching your tote bag a little too hard. It could be an accident: he's too drunk out of his mind and doesn't know it's you.

It's not like he's been so nice, but after his asshole-ish move last time you saw each other, you don't expect basic courtesy towards you either.

You get a whiff of his scent, mixed with traces of whiskey. It's unfair how intoxicating it feels―how it's got you wanting more of what isn't yours.

God knows it's been long enough since you've wanted a man this bad.

It's not until the elevator dings again that you realize you've been holding your breath the entire time.

"Bye, pretty"

He casually exits out into your same floor never looking back, without realizing the effect his words have on you, hope slowly making its way through the creaks of your open heart.

Okay, maybe it's your fault for raising such high stakes based on two words and a silly little drunk interaction. Maybe you deserve it: because you've become a bit obsessed with the fact that Eddie hates you, but after yesterday, you've already traced a truce in your mind.

Even Johanna has told you to be cool about it. "It's time someone didn't like you" she joked, but you didn't find it funny. She insisted it's not important, but to you it is! How can he not like you? Maybe if he had a valid reason, you'd stop insisting, despite the let down. But he doesn't have one! And you've been nothing but kind! You think too much about it because it doesn't make any damn sense: you're loosing your mind and your friend just laughs.

The only reason you haven't talked to him again, is because work load has catched up to you.

But now you're here, out on the street, and the first person you see is him: on top of his bike, ready to go out.

"Nice!" you chirp. It may not be a top brand, but the black vehicle is as cool as its owner: the leather jacket, worn out jeans and beat up look is an insane combination that may or may not have you drooling.

"Huh?" he looks back at you, and you swear your cheeks reddened in embarrasment at his deadpan expresion.

"Nice bike, I mean" you nervously laugh, fiddling with a loose string of your sweater. "I love seeing them, but I don't think I'll ever ride one. I get scared too easily, you know?"

He puts his helmet on, "Alright"

Not even a thanks or an attempt of a small talk; what an idiot. Didn't he talk to you last time? Called you pretty? Why is he acting so curt right now?

"Hey, what is your pro-"

Your question doesn't get to be finished, because the engine roars and he's out of there, leaving you confused inside a cloud of smoke, the trail leaving with your last sparks of hope.

It's one of those nights where you just want to lay down and let sleep take control of your body. As soon as you get in your comfy pajamas and sink in the mattress, a noise erupts through the air. Startled, you raise on your feet, the slumber long gone.

Fuck. This hasn't been your week, has it?

The noise comes from outside, and you know who it is: the guy who lives in the corner, right next to the window; he who brings too many women home and plays his guitar a little too loud. It's late an he isn't getting the memo, clearly.

You swing your door open, ready to give him a piece of mind (and perhaps dump your accumulated stress from the week), until you realize you aren't the only one outside on the hall. It's Eddie, and he looks just as pissed as you do.

"Can't sleep?" he asks in a mocking tone, all while avoiding your eyes, rather focused on the common enemy's door.

"What do you think?" you reply, equaling his tone.

You both agree in silence, walking to his door. After some knocking, the guy opens his door: less thrilled when he sees Eddie and more complaint when he sees you.

"Sure, sweetheart. I'll keep it down" and winks. The nerve of this guy. Even Eddie is frowning, surely annoyed at his lack of etiquette. "You can knock anytime, noise or not".

The door closes, but it's Brock who did it, not guitar guy. You're too tired to ask, and after picking what's left of your dignity around him, you decide it's best to walk back to your apartment.

"You know what's funny?" you stop your tracks, laughing, but it's devoid of amusement, "I lost my sleep".

He just stares back, and you're tired of the way conversations have to run by your side, for the very first time. You keep on walking, but as soon as your hand touches your doorknob, he speaks up:

"Goodnight" a small truce, you think. But you're not falling this time.

So you do the right think: walk inside without saying a word, and just like him, never looking back.

You wake up agitated in the middle of the night. It's raining: not just a normal rain but a huge storm. You look over at your alarm, noticing its characteristically red numbers are as pitch black as the sky above you. It's also thundering, and God, do you hate noises and thunder.

You jump again at another one cutting through the sky, and decide it's for the best to just stay awake until it's time to wake up. According to your phone, you have about three hours until morning rises. That's enough time to watch a movie or two. Even to pet your cat, which is laying next to your bed, clearly unbothered―unlike his owner.

But there's a problem: when you try to turn the switch, no lights go on. Your incredulous laugh ecos in the room.

Not only a storm, but also a fucking black out.

Scare slowly creeps up, and the shivers you feel are definitely not only because of the temperature drop.

So you grab your phone and head out, without clearly thinking and obviously in panic, because the first thing you do is knock on your neighbour's door.

Eddie's.

"Oh!" it takes a while for him to answer his door, but when he does, his phone's flashlight burns your eyes. "Sorry" he apologizes, and you don't know if it's for that or the fact he didn't answer; maybe for everything too, "didn't hear the knocking with all the thunder".

You say it's fine, that you're just checking to see if you're not the only one without light.

He flicks a nearby switch to no avail, "I'm afraid everyone in the whole building too"

Eddie probably notices your frightened state, the way you shiver like a lost puppy, and feels sorry.

"Wanna come inside?" he offers, hands inside his grey sweater's pockets.

For the very first time since you met him, he looks at you, but really looks at you: eyes roaming over your body, an all too familiar feeling painted across his brown orbs.

You realize a bit late what you're wearing: a teensy short and top, a set of pajamas that happens to be your most comfortable. Favorite too. Appropiate for this emergency meeting? Maybe not.

"You want me to?" you asked, confused. "I thought you hated me"

The only sound across the hall is the droplets of rain outside, some tapping in the window next to you and his apartment.

He looks rather embarrased, "I don't".

"Then you're just an idiot" you counter back, and he doesn't fight you about it.

"Fair" he says, "I can make some coffee?"

Maybe he's pretty convincing or you're a people pleaser, but as soon as he proposes, you're caving in just like that.

"Fine, but you better let me bring my cat"

Truth is, Muffin plays hard to get, but now he's resting in Eddie's lap―purring, as you two sip quietly on your coffee. Traitor.

"I used to have a cat" he says, cutting through the silence.

"Oh!" you leave your mug on his table, next to the candle; the only source of light in the room, "didn't think of you as a cat person".

"Tecnically, it belongs to my fiancée. Sorry, ex-fiancée" he makes a pause, "bet that cat doesn't miss me".

"I didn't know you had a, uh-" you're not sure how to proceed, so you trail off. Muffin jumps from Eddie's lap to the kitchen, lost in the dark.

"Yeah, I had a fiancée, cat, house, and job. Then I lost everything" he dry chuckles, humorlessly, "guess that's why I'm so bitter"

"I'm sorry" you say on the most sincere tone you can muster. Eddie wonders how can you be so kind and forgiving, especially after he's been nothing but an asshole to you.

"Doesn't mean I should've been a douchebag for no reason. You didn't deserve it" he apologizes, embarrased.

You stay in silence for some more time but then he says: "Not an excuse, but it's been real bad days"

The candlelight is so flickering, you don't know if he's seen your eyes, but by the way he gulps, you think he did.

"Maybe... I could offer a helping hand"

Why had you said that? Are you out of your mind? You barely know the guy, who, by the way, had been a jackass to you like, five minutes ago. But he's hot! And you love to help!

Jesus, talk about dignity and boundaries.

"Y-you would?" he stammers, but the way his hand travels to your lap reveals nothing but security.

He's not asking if you've gone insane or what exactly you mean by that: he's just asking if you would do it.

Would you help?

"Don't you know, Eddie?" your voice drops a sultry octave, "I love to help".

You lean close enough for him to smell the cinammon scent of your skin. Soon, he's leaning too, playing along even against his better judgment. It's too soon, but he's so drawn into you and can't resist it no more; ever since he met you.

His cock twitches in his pants, "help me, then"

It happens too fast, one second you're sipping on your coffee, looking like the most warm and softhearted person in the world and now you're on your knees, deep into his carpet, tugging at his belt with your teeth, a hunger he hasn't seen before in your eyes and filthy needy mouth.

Sex with Anne was sweet and normal. Vainilla. You smell like it too, but there's a difference: you have the appetite of a siren.

Using your hands, you remove the leather your teeth had beggin with, moving them to tug his ripped jeans down, pulling the zipper too in the process. You keep using your mouth, now to get rid of his boxers, where the outline is tight over his cock. Eddie finds himself so aroused to the point he feels hot, even if there's a storm outside and the candle barely provides warmth.

"You sure have a mouth" he mumbles in ecstasy, drunk in the sight of your glimmering lips, coated in saliva. He's dripping too: everywhere.

His cock bounces out, almost hitting you in the face.

"Look at you" you coo, "already dripping for me. What a pretty cock you've got, Mr. Brock"

Fuck, he's going to hell after this. But you can't corrupt what's already corrupted.

"Then you better show me what you mean"

You lick the tip, already leaking with precum. He tenses momentarily, and then stiffle a moan when you take his balls into your mouth, a similar sound coming from you. You suck lightly at them, running your tongue along the sensitive skin.

His hips buckle into your face, and you have to chuckle at the fact it's probably the first time he's ever has his dick sucked this good.

"Don't stop" he huffs.

You obey, tongue tracing along the underside of his cock until you're back at his tip. Eddie's still inside his drunk haze when he feels you taking all of him inside your mouth in one single movement.

"Fuck-!" he chokes out, the thunder outside shutting the vulgar sounds coming out of his plush lips. "Think you can take more?"

His large hand touches the back of your head and pushes it forward with force. His cock presses deeper into your throat, tip hitting the back of it. You feel yourself gag, but the wet spot that's starting to form in your panties says otherwise.

He twists your hair tightly, holding you in place as he fucks your throat with his cock. You feel tears, and Eddie thinks he's never had a prettier sight than you: glossy eyes, looking up to him as you take all his cock.

"I know you can, baby" he presses, "help me like you said you would, yeah?"

His fat cock is blocking your air supply, but the subtle motivation and praise in his eyes is enough to keep you going, thought your throat ends up bulging from the size of his cock, stretching out to accommodate his size.

You said you would help, right? And even if you always do it for the altruist reward, something about being used in such a vulgar and rough way has your chest and panties feeling warm.

Brock groans, body sweating and muscles tense. He yanks you up by your hair, chasing the orgasm like an animal, every movement feeling almost primal.

"Stay there" he feels it coming, "don't move".

You gurgle something, spit rushing down your chin and dripping onto your chest.

"It's almost over, sweetheart" his eyes roll back, head resting on the coach he'd barely used until now, where he's fucking you in the mouth, "I knew that filthy mouth of yours could take me"

You open your mouth wider, anticipating. Tension releases: and he's pounding out his orgasm in your throat, hips banging into your face. You swallow it all, even if you can't taste it since he was so deep in you. He pulls out, a string of spit connecting his tip with your lips.

"Thanks" his voice comes out rough, "you do know how to help those in need"

You wipe your chin with your hand, voice hoarse, "I suppose"

There's some silence afterwards, and now Eddie is cursing he doesn't know what else to say.

"Power is still out" he speaks, "we've got some hours left until the sun rises again"

"So what's your idea?" you giggle, "tell scary stories in the dark?"

You both laugh, but you stop and deadpan. "Please don't, I get scared very easily" and you pout those pretty lips of yours out. How can you be such an adorable but greedy girl? It's hard to believe you're the same person.

"Not that" he swallows thickly. Why is he doing this? Was a blowjob (a fantastic blowjob, by the way) by a young insatiable thing like you enough to make him go mad? "I want to help you too".

Before you protest, he's pulling you and sealing your lips with a hot kiss. His tongue slips into your mouth, playing with it. He pulls out, biting your lower lip.

"Eddie" you whine, "b-bed, now"

He's supposed to be older and smarter, so why is his resolve melting away this quickly? Following your orders immediately, your back bouncing on the soft mattress of his bed. As soon as you lay, his lips trail kisses down your throat.

"God, you smell so good" you giggle, "bet this pussy will taste as sweet, huh?"

His cold fingertips grace the fabric of your tiny shorts and the touch gives you goosebumps, "look at you" he tugs your panties, nudging at your cunt. "So soaked... is this for me, baby?"

"Yes, Eddie" the way you say his name is enough to make even the strongest man fold, his dick jolting in response. "Take it"

Both of you remove your clothes in such a hurry, you hope you haven't damaged your favorite pair of pajamas.

"Let me see her" he demands, so you spread your legs, revealing your dripping pussy.

When you kiss again, the underlying carnal desire is mutual, saliva connecting in a silver thread as you both gasp for aire. Your hands wander across his chest, fingers playing with his tensing muscles.

"I promise to reward her, okay?" he lines his cock up with your entrance, the fat tip nudging against you, sticky with precum.

You're desperate with anticipation, practically begging, "please do".

He pushes inside you fully, balls slaping against your sticky clit hard. He’s so deep, pushing against your cervix and stretching you out with each thrust, making even the task of breathing painful and laborious.

Brock feels like he's ruined you, yet you look rather content. You've been used to giving; your kindness of a caretaker nature. You're used to giving your all and not receiving, so with every new thrust against you, his hips slamming, you know you'll never feel this pleasure again with anyone else, the delicious sense hitting you in waves that make you feel dizzy. So, in a way, he has ruined you.

"That desperate for me to fill you?" there's no answer, but the sound of rain and skin clapping against skin.

"Yes, give it to me” you sob, "Eddie, please!"

"Focus on taking it" he guides you. It may make him a pervert, but he isn't changing the sheets any time soon; they'll be covered in you and he'll smell them everytime he gets inside them. "I'm gonna cum"

You moan, lightly tugging at the strands of damp hazel hair. He chokes out a husky groan, heat pooling on his stomach.

Eddie's dick twitches inside you, cum filling your eager insides with the biggest load you’ve ever felt. Your pussy clenches, spasming, wrapping tighter around his length in a needy way, your high coming almost at the same time.

Both your breathes come out in ragged pants. He nuzzles against your neck, skins equally damped.

"Fuck"

As soon as those words leave his mouth, the power returns. You should go now, as this is the reason you stayed, but none of you make the move to leave.

"Stay?" he pleads, "It's still raining outside"

How can you say no to those brown puppy eyes? Does he think he can fuck you this good and then make you leave?

"Alright" you swear he smiles, and it's the prettiest smile you've seen in your life. Could you fall this easily in love? "But turn off the lights: I have work tomorrow and need some sleep"

"Whatever you say, baby" he nips at your lower lip, "you know I love to help"

[stan-the-cinnamon-roll-uris]

Ich habe 6.330 Mal im Jahr 2022 etwas gepostet

112 Einträge erstellt (2%)

6.218 Einträge gerebloggt (98%)

Blogs, die ich am häufigsten gerebloggt habe:

@merphus

@chemicaljacketslut

@edddiekaspbrak

@yankovic

Ich habe 2.603 meiner Einträge im Jahr 2022 getaggt

#stranger things – 410 Einträge

#reddie – 198 Einträge

#eddie munson – 189 Einträge

#eddie kaspbrak – 178 Einträge

#stranger things spoilers – 153 Einträge

#richie tozier – 149 Einträge

#andrew garfield – 109 Einträge

#eddiegarfieldcule – 104 Einträge

#lmfao – 100 Einträge

#ofmd – 97 Einträge

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#the way murray was trying to emphasize on keeping the call as short as possible i think they should have used this shot for comedic purposes

Meine Top-Einträge im Jahr 2022:

#5

If Eddie ever gets to meet Will, this is how I imagine the meeting to go down:

190 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 30. Juni 2022

#4

Went has lived in Derry his whole life. He was born here, he went to Derry High and he even started his dentistry praxis in his home town when he was 26 years old.

So it's been well over 20 years now, since Went has started practicing, including his residency. And because it's been so long, Went likes to tell people, who take the time to ask, that he has most definitely seen it all. Dentistry is a very versatile medical field after all and he comes in contact with all different kinds of people.

And despite all of it, Went realizes it's going to be an interesting day when at 17 years old, Eddie Kaspbrak, who Went has known ever since the kid was 5 years old and Richie had introduce him as his new best friend in pre-school, starts rambling about how much he misses Richie while coming down from his anesthesia after Went removed 2 of his wisdom teeth that had started growing in.

"I miss him so so so much," Eddie mumbles from where he lies on the examination table with his head tilted to the side. His speech is slurred, partly still from the medication in his system and partly because of the cotton balls that are there to protect his fresh wounds. "So much."

Went moves some of his utensils to the side so his assistant Nadine can easily get to them for clean up later, before he turns back around to Eddie who's already looking up at him again. Went smiles down at the kid. "I bet you and Richie can hang out while you're recovering from surgery in the next few days, Eddie. How does that sound?"

Eddie hums with a smile. "I love him so much."

And really, Went can't help but laugh at that. He gently pats Eddie's arm "That's nice, buddy."

Went knows that sometimes patients tend to get a bit emotional after surgery but this time he knows the person in front of him well enough to know how genuine the sentiment is. Even with all the bickering, Richie and him always seem to stick together one way or another and they truly are the best of-

"Yeah, and I know I'm only 17 but I really want to marry him one day."

-friends.

Well, there goes that, Went thinks.

But as he starts thinking about it some, he can't exactly say that he's all that surprised by Eddie's confession, either. Maggie and him got to watch the boys grow very close over the last few years in high school, with Eddie spending a lot of days at their house after school and even at the weekends, when the boys weren't out with the other Losers.

For a moment Went remembers the talk he had with Richie at 14 and wonders if a refresher of that conversation seems necessary, not that his kid had appreciated the first one much, either, when Eddie starts talking again.

"He can do funny voices that always make me laugh so hard. And he's tall and he always gets me ice cream when I ask him to and he's so nice but don't tell Richie I said that. His head's too big already."

It makes Went huff out another laugh as Eddie keeps looking around the room with heavy eyes.

"That's very sweet Eddie but why don't you close your eyes again for a bit, huh?" Went tries, when he catches Eddie looking back at him with wide eyes for a moment

"I know you're his dad and that's kinda weird, right? But I love Richie with all my heart." Eddie finishes and closes his eyes with a hum.

Went is aware that he's not supposed to overhear this but there's still a little saving grace for Eddie in form of the amnesia that the anesthesia is probably going to cause him, so that he won't remember much about their conversation and that little secret he's spilling to Went currently.

It's honestly kinda adorable but Went has been a teenager in love once, too, and so he knows it's not exactly ideal for him to know about this.

"Went, am I annoying?"

"Oh buddy, only a little bit," Went laughs. "But in a good way. I promise"

It makes Eddie huff out a laugh of his own "I know I'm annoying but I just want you and Maggie to love me, too."

There's a lot of memories of Eddie and Richie running around the house, of Maggie letting Eddie help in the kitchen and Went showing Eddie how to fix up his old truck once him and Richie had been old enough to drive, so it's easy to respond in earnestly. "We do, buddy, it's okay."

"If you ever see Richie ever again, can you please let him know that I love him so much?"

"Okay," Went lies with another laugh.

Really, that's a secret to figure out between Eddie and Richie and Eddie and Richie alone.

Or the one where I saw a video of a kid declaring his love for his girlfriend to his girlfriend's dad and wrote a quick little drabble about it

251 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 19. April 2022

#3

If it happens no it did not-

349 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 21. Juni 2022

#2

Footage of me at the beginning of June, thinking I'd be mostly normal about the new season of Stranger Things:

423 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 11. August 2022

Meine #1 des Jahres 2022

Dustin really said lets live to annoy Ted Wheeler personally and for that he has my full respect

456 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 27. Mai 2022

Hol dir deinen Tumblr-Jahresrückblick 2022 →

[mylovelies-docx]

Sorry, I Love You - Part 5

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood afternoon, everyone.

:) Have fun

Plot: You and Bucky have a good thing going - best of friends that also have more than a little chemistry between the sheets. Everything is fine until you develop feelings for the man who doesn't want a relationship. What will happen when Bucky finds out?

C/W: Awkwardness, flashbacks, feels

Word Count: 1,950

Tag List: NOW CLOSED! If you'd like to keep up with this story, please follow my blog and turn on notifications! ❤️ you :)

[Prologue][Part 1][Part 2][Part 3][Part 4]

This wouldn't be your and Bucky's first undercover mission together, but it would be the first one where the tension between you is decidedly not sexual. You're not even sure how well the two of you can pull off this charade since you have no idea what your chemistry is like anymore. Used to, you could do anything together, be anything together.

Not so much now.

There’s an awkwardness between you. Silences pregnant with all the things left unsaid – or should have been left unsaid. You’ll catch Bucky watching you from the corner of your eyes, always with an unreadable expression like he’s trying to figure you out again without actually asking any questions.

You can't imagine that you've changed so much in the intervening months, but Bucky makes so much progress in therapy that his confidence in himself and his personality grow by leaps and bounds all the time. 

You don’t know this new Bucky, but you wish you did. You wish you had been with him to see his growth, encourage him on. 

You’ve missed out on so much of your life by staying away from the Tower. You’d had so many plans that never came to be – no walks in the park when the flowers started to bloom, no trips to the beach on the hottest days of the year, no ice skating when the first snow fell. You kept a tab on everything that should have been on the calendar in your mind, noting all the days that had significance in the past but went uncelebrated this year.

But what’s done is done, and you have to pay for your actions – half a year away is a small price to have Bucky back in your life, even as a stranger instead of your lover. 

You’re now trying to organize your new life on the outskirts of a small town in Russia, just a few miles away from a HYDRA base. Snow was falling thick and fast as the quinjet touched down hours ago, leaving behind a pristine blanket of white outside your new home. The small, two-bedroom cottage looks rustic, but it is still nicer than most of the surrounding homes due to Tony’s influence. There is hidden technology that will help the house to stay warm in this cold climate and random high-tech appliances, lights, and other things that look normal and are anything but.

With the HYDRA base going radio silent, you may be in this little home for longer than was initially expected earlier this year. Bucky is sure that the base is still active, though.  He spent a lot of time here as the Winter Soldier, but no one has received reports from the embedded spy in recent months. This inactivity is concerning since you're no longer sure what is going on inside the building anymore.  

It would be too obvious for Bucky to go undercover inside the facility, so that leaves it up to you to infiltrate as a researcher. The spy had assured last year that no one from the facility lived in the town you’ve settled in, so it’s safe enough for Bucky to remain close by as you work.

But the small town you’ve settled in is so traditional that the only way to remain inconspicuous as a younger woman is to be connected to a man in some way – be it living with family members or a husband.

And since you don't want to be labeled an outcast or worse, Bucky is here.

Bucky is going to be a mechanic at the small family-owned shop just down the road, and his prosthesis is covered in Stark technology that makes it appear as if he’d never lost it. Bucky used to spend a lot of time fixing up old cars and motorcycles between missions, so he should really enjoy spending his days in the garage helping out the Kowalds.

Unfortunately, your background isn’t as fun. You’re a whiz when it comes to biology, so Nat cooked up a false resume full of lab work that centers around eugenics and biomanipulation – things your spy had reported the facility was actively looking into. In order to get your foot in the door at the HYDRA facility, the Avengers had to create a background so disturbing that you're not even sure if you can interview for it properly.

 You're just zipping up into your thick winter coat when Bucky walks out of the kitchen drying his hands on a dish towel.

“You headin’ out now, doll?” He asks, a small worry line between his eyebrows.

“Yup,” you answer back with a comforting smile on your face. “I need to go meet with our contact to make sure that everything is still okay.”

“Just be careful, yeah?” he tells you, slinging the towel up onto his shoulder. Today is his first day at the mechanic shop, so he's dressed in blue overalls with a small name tag stitched onto his chest. The sun is just barely rising, but he's going to be late if he doesn't hurry.

"You know me, Buck. My middle name is Safe."

"Your middle name is Trouble and you can't convince me otherwise, babygirl."

You stick your tongue out at him and blow a raspberry, holding your middle finger up in the air as you turn around and head out the door. Once out of his sight, you smile and bask in the feeling of having your friend back.

You'd missed the banter and easy wit you used to share together, so this small exchange feels like a return to normal. The awkwardness might return in time, but you hope Bucky has forgiven you enough to power through.

You trek along the deserted streets. The early hour and layer of snow on the ground seems to be keeping the townsfolk within their homes, wrapped snugly under their warm blankets. You sigh heavily and watch your breath fog in the air, the mist condensing and freezing your skin as you walk through the cloud.

You pass house after house, noticing lights turning on and the sound of hairdryers, televisions, and conversations humming in the air. Everything has a vague, indistinct quality to it, lulling you into daydreams of what their lives are like. Is it simple? Do they enjoy this cold, snowy location? Or are they also dreaming of a warm day laying in the grass in nothing but a pair of shorts and a tank top?

A memory worms its way to the surface of your mind of a day spent just like that with Bucky. 

This was only a few weeks before your friends-with-benefits situation started. It was the hottest day of the year so far, the humidity heavy in the air and making the sidewalks and parks of New York City intensely uncomfortable. Even though Stark has the Tower equipped with the latest technology, he's incapable of leaving anything well enough alone. He'd been tinkering with the HVAC and somehow short-circuited the entire system. Everyone in the Tower was miserable and cranky, choosing to avoid one another in an attempt to stave off arguments and confrontations. 

You'd been sitting in the shade of the balcony, fanning yourself as you watched all the teeny tiny people on the ground maneuver the crosswalks and traffic to get to where they were going. It was no warmer outside than it was in your room, so you chose to people-watch instead of lay there and sweat miserably on your clean sheets.

Just as some bratty kid you’d been watching chucked the ice cream he’d been yelling for only moments ago onto the sidewalk, the sliding glass doors behind you whooshed open. The sound of metal knocking against the doorframe had let you know that Bucky was the one to interrupt your spying.

Regretfully turning your neck, you felt your skin sliding wet and hot against itself. A frown marred your features as you stared at Bucky as he stood behind you, his eyes alight with mischievous glee.

“What did you do…?” You question slowly, almost afraid to know what that look was all about.

He shrugged a shoulder and smirked. “Nothing too bad.”

“BARNES!!!��� a voice roared from the depths of the Tower.

You quirked an eyebrow at him and a small, disbelieving smile graced your lips. “That doesn’t sound like nothing, Buck.”

Bucky hmm’d and glanced back into the building when a CRASH reverberated from where the voice had yelled moments ago. “I was going to get out of here for a while. You wanna come?” he questioned breezily.

“And why would I want to leave when Tony’s working on fixing the AC?” you replied as you continued to fan yourself. Bucky’s eyebrows had quirked ever so slightly.

“Y/L/N!!!” 

Your hand had frozen mid-fan and your eyes widened so much that Bucky couldn’t help but laugh.

“Where’d you say we were going?” you asked as you rose quickly from your seat and bypassed Bucky at the door.

***

“You little shit!” You had laughed uproariously when Bucky finally admitted to the prank.

“What else was I gonna do?” he responded, turning his face to look at you.

Even with the intense heat that day, you and Bucky had decided to forgo the climate controlled vehicles in the garage and went instead with the fastest getaway vehicle – Bucky’s bike. The wind had whipped against your body when you held onto Bucky and watched the city fall into the distance behind you. 

He apparently hadn’t had a destination in mind, so you had ridden until cities and towns disappeared. He’d pulled off beside a barely visible hiking trail and jumped off his bike. You had followed suit and watched as Bucky pulled a blanket from inside the storage compartment on the bike. You hiked your eyebrows questioningly, but only got a grin in response. 

That’s how you had found yourself lounging on a blanket in the middle of a field with Bucky on the hottest day of the year. You’d chatted and laughed for hours until the sun had slowly faded from the sky. Out that far, the light pollution of the cities couldn’t touch the stars. You had gazed upwards, trying to draw the constellations as you remembered them.

You weren’t any good at astrology or astronomy, but the stories behind the figures in the sky captivated you nonetheless.

You laughed again and turned to face him as well. “And why’d you have to implicate me, huh?” 

“Figured it’d be more fun that way,” he had answered slyly. 

You had wound your arm up and smacked him on the stomach, your hand bouncing off of the toned muscles. He’d caught your wrist on the next swing and held it up and away from his body. You’d tried to tug it away, but his metal fingers held fast and didn’t let you go. You rolled over toward him and began trying to use your body as leverage, but you had only succeeded in pulling yourself closer to him.

You huffed and blew the piece of hair that had fallen over your eyes away and looked up at him. He’d had a look in his eyes that he hadn’t directed at you before, but you’d seen glimpses of it when he’d find someone to bring back for the night.

You can’t help but think that that moment had been the turning point in your friendship with Bucky, the moment he thought about asking you to be friends-with-benefits. Of course you’d found him handsome long before then, but that was a moment that really cemented your attraction to him. 

You didn’t have romantic feelings at the time, but you should have known they were inevitable.

Part 6

@jackiehollanderr @rabbitrabbit12321 @12345sebby @blackwood-bodecker-housewife @lauraashley93 @themorningsunshine @happinessinthebeing @nash-dara @calwitch@stany0url0calwh0res111 @pono-pura-vida @learisa @introverbatim @kentokaze @marvelogic @kaz11283

[raeniskaies]

how to fix your mindset ♡

- your mindset is one of the most powerful things in the world . how you depict the world , what you believe , can absolutely change it all . .

001 , respect yourself

- so most of you attend school , right ? whenever you talk to the teacher , you call them by their honorific titles or speak to them with respect . or if you meet a stranger , you greet them and ask how they are. now , forget about teachers or strangers , imagine you are greeting a member of the royal family , you curtsy or bow towards them with a great amount of respect. you are a member of the royal family. every single morning , look in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve a great amount of respect and you deserve the freaking world . don't expect anybody to love you if you don't even like yourself ! look at your room. is it messy ? if so , go clean it right now because having the place where you sleep , study and lounge be messy is extremely disrespectful to yourself. not having the respect or even a frick to clean after yourself is disrespectful to you and you might not even realise it. treat yourself like you're the most precious thing in the world because honey , you are .

002 , stop being lazy + pathetic

- you may be still searching on how to stop being lazy or how to get back up. do it. I don't care if you're tired because whose fault is that ? some people can not afford to be lazy. the financially struggling can not afford to be lazy. the single parents can not afford to be lazy. the workers can not afford to be lazy. you sit around on your butt all day watching tiktok or reading tumblr blogs or whatever to do absolutely nothing. God has given you the gift of life , out of billions , you were the one to be placed on this earth and you spend your life doing nothing ? don't say you're unlucky or your life is terrible. that's absolutely pathetic. let that be your motivation. it's okay to take breaks or rest but please get back on track. only the privileged can afford to be lazy.

003 , don't follow people around - you're not a dog

- have you watched ' mean girls ' ? had you seen gretchen and karen ? did you notice how they follow regina ? don't be like them , don't waste your time , your life on following someone like they own you. don't seek someone's attention like you live off of it ; you don't ! it's also disrespectful to yourself because you're lowering yourself to the position of a dog or any other pet , following it's master to the end of their time. life is only once. use your time on something more important.

004 , idgaf

- please don't care if somebody hates or dislikes you. they are just jealous. no seriously , they spend most of their time obsessing over you and your life just to " hate on it " , they're jealous , hun. also face it , we are all going to die , life is too short to care about it , you are way more important to just worry your pretty little head on some obsessive parasite !

" so and so said this about you - " okay.

" they said this - " okay.

okay. idgaf.

005 , life is survival of the fittest

- your future matters. your teen years go way too fast and before you know it , you're already grown up. get a decent education. get to the top.

my mother always tells me I am pretty , I am smart , I have potential and I actually do. at the age of 10 she would already know what private university she would attend and she would have that as her number one goal. 5 years later , she travelled away from all of her family , her friends , her home to reach her dream ( the uni ) and she did. she knows others who have done the exact same as her who are billionaires and others who haven't who are financially struggling. throughout her parenting ( the first couple years were an extremely tough time for her ) journey , not one person , not even her bestest friends had come to our home offering gifts or money , not even for her kids. everybody else is focusing on their own families and their lifes ! if you have an opportunity , take it , like my mother had + be prepared ! because at the end of the day , in 10 years , your " friend " will not pay your rent.

006 , your mind is blind but not deaf

- your brain has no eyes of some sort that can lookout and know what's happening. whatever you tell your brain is happening , that's what it will believe , e . g ::

♡ " I'm ugly " then you'll be ugly. you'll perceive yourself as ugly.

♡ " I can't achieve anything " then you won't. you'll get nothing done in your life.

instead , tell yourself affirmations in the mirror , remind yourself that you're absolutely stunning ! it will come true !

007 , every setback is a blessing in disguise // see the bright things in everything

- now I do not care how bad something was , or how much it had impacted you , that is a blessing in disguise from God. God has your back. God is with you 24 / 7. He is greater than everything in the entire world. Don't ever erase that from your mind if something as small as not being able to go to your bestie's bday party or having strict parents. When I moved to the other side of the world , I felt like my life was over. 2 months later , I realised how toxic some of my old " friends " were and I got amazing opportunities where I live now. " When a door closes , another one opens " that is one of the most truthful sayings ever.

008 , don't wallow in your own self pity like a pig

- did you lose a competition or your partner broke up with you ? its okay to feel sad and you can cry about it but afterwards , get up. Move on. im sorry but nobody really cares. "oh my life is so unfair" so is everybody else's ? Get over it , please ! you can try another competition and your ex was clearly not for you so move on. nobody will care because they have their own problems to deal with. they may say sorry or give you a pat on the back but that's it. It won't change anything. they will be a whole lot ahead of you whilst you're still in the same spot in life , wallowing in your own self pity. whether you like it or not , life moves on and nobody cares , ml ♡

009 , set boundaries

- do you not like it when someone makes fun of you or touches you in a way you don't like ? you do not have to endure that , honey ! set your boundaries and if someone breaks them , take a break / leave them ! if they cannot respect your boundaries , they don't deserve you ! ♡

010 , drop toxic people

- it doesn't matter if you've been friends with them since kindergarten , or you don't want to seem mean. drop toxic people. this includes "friends" who just talk about themselves and say things like "oh , my life sucks" all the time , put everything in a negative mood. they don't deserve you. don't ruin your mental health over someone else , ml ! ♡

sorry if I sounded mean , I'm just trying to be honest !! ♡

[wispforever]

Some thoughts on Itachi

So, I've seen a lot of comments circulating about my tags on this post, and I'm intrigued at the interest. I didn't expect it, as I see much more pigeonholing of Itachi's character than honest to god analysis. No hate- I'm no stranger to Kishimoto's writing. Some of his characters were unfortunately butchered or never given the chance to be developed properly, and Itachi is most certainly no exception. That said, I like to grant him a bit more nuance than I see on most blogs. I think people get a little wrapped up in the supposed "moral implications" of exploring how Itachi was also a victim of the system, as well as someone who victimized many people. But it's silly to equate character analysis and context consideration with condoning genocide.

I have a good laugh every once and a while at the metaphorical gymnastics people do in order to stay in the good graces of a bunch of internet trolls who are just Waiting for any opportunity to tell you you love murder and think it's delicious just because you made a post exploring a character's background. Media is grey; it's layered and wonderfully complex. There are many wrongs and rights in every story, and many wrongs and rights within those wrongs and rights. That's what I love about Naruto. Often times it's really too much like real life. Instead of people being black and white, right or wrong, bad or good- they're usually in a tough situation, trying their best and falling short, don't have all of the information, acting with good intentions or acting on what they believe will bring about a lesser evil, and then end up hurting others.

But it is much easier to assign blame and move on. A so-called bad person will always be the perfect scapegoat for issues bigger than them. In Itachi's case, the fascist government in the Leaf. It's easier to say Itachi could have just refused and decided not to be involved, than to recognize that like almost every other character in the narrative, he was under extreme duress, living in a military state. He was a child whose existence, along with all the other children and adults in the Leaf, was only valuable as long as he could serve as a tool for the war machine in the shinobi world's fucked up political system. And saying this is not the same as saying he was not capable of better decisions or that everything that he did thereafter or in general should not be read critically or subject to hypothetical consequences. It is the same as a saying his actions cannot be fully understood without complete context, and the themes of Naruto will never come through if every villain is just "evil" with no further nuance. And it would be boring too LOL

That said, I love to think about Itachi's situation back then. The ages in Naruto are a bit muddled, a little inconsistent, subject to change and interpretation, but Itachi was a child when he murdered everyone in the Uchiha compound. Most sources say he was 13. It should go without saying that someone so young isn't capable of the same decision-making or critical thinking as say, a 30-year-old, someone whose brain is finished developing and has much more experience on Earth.

Itachi's experience at this point in his life is informed by his age, and it's obviously informed by his childhood, as he has no other place from which to draw conclusions. Itachi grew up in a warring state. He saw people die and was subject to extreme violence in his formative years. To make matters worse, he was taught that war was inevitable and the only thing he could do to guard against it was kill others before they got the chance to kill him (threaten the village). Thusly, Itachi internalized at a very young age that what was in his power was to minimize damage (to himself, to his village, and to the world). What was not in his power was to stop this violence entirely (by adopting a critical mindset and going against fascist powers).

A part of this I think people often forget is that Itachi has absolutely nowhere to adopt this mindset FROM, as even though his father and the other members of the Uchiha clan seek equity in the Leaf, if they were to overthrow the Hokage and create a new system, it would still presumably center around the same ideals (minus, of course, the oppression of the Uchiha as a group). Fugaku is the head of the Uchiha clan at this time. As someone who imposed near impossible performance-related expectations on both of his sons, and withheld love and affection whenever they came up short (so often that it was at the cost of having any considerable emotional bond with either of them), there is absolutely no good reason to believe that Fugaku would reform the Leaf using a non-fascist ideology. And if he did, there is no good reason to believe that he would be some kind of visionary LMAO

This is important to remember because when it comes down to Itachi's decision to either kill everyone in the Uchiha compound and his family, or be part of the coup that would overthrow the Leaf, some people treat it as though it's a choice between fascism and non-fascism, which it most certainly is not. And if it was, Itachi, as a child who had grown up immersed in this ideology, would not be able to appreciate the difference. This context allows us to understand further what Itachi was really weighing in that moment. Accounting for his young age and limited worldview, the only valuable difference in this moment to Itachi was the amount of bloodshed that he would "allow" to happen. Essentially, he sees the options as follows:

Either give in to Danzo and kill everyone in the Uchiha compound, or facilitate a coup where the current government is (hopefully) overthrown and risk starting another war.

Here, Itachi pauses. He has known war. He knows how it affects children, adults, families, and whole nations. The peace he's living in currently is bought with blood, but it's the only peace he's ever known. The alternative is horrifying. And a war in this context, Itachi likely thinks, would be his fault, as he has now been put in the position to "prevent" it. Danzo and the whole shinobi system have groomed him into thinking so. Itachi, at age 13, cannot understand that there would be no war; it exists only as leverage for Danzo's argument at this point. His sensitivities are being played on.

Fugaku, though he is not the same as Danzo, offers about as much help as he does (that being none). Fugaku has no interest in avoiding war; if a war breaks out, it's justified because it will still mean his clan will no longer be living in oppression. This idea is valid, as fascist systems and discrimination can only cease to exist when we rise up against them; unfortunately, this most often calls for righteous violence, as the oppressive powers will not be moved with peaceful shows (not to mention they are willing to go to extreme lengths to avoid losing their hold on the people they have crushing power over, i.e. the Uchiha massacre). But Fugaku has no words to explain this to Itachi, who fears the worst and further fears being responsible for the worst. All he does is act as if it's a moral failing that his 13-year-old son is unwilling to stage a coup, which he believes could mark the abrupt end of a peace that's only just begun.

That said, let it be known that Itachi does appreciate this situation with SOME nuance, though it isn't of the kind that might have enabled him to see he was being manipulated. He at the very least understands that Danzo is a warmonger and oppresses those he fears (the Uchiha). He understands that the rights of his clan have been sorely disrespected, and that the issue needs correction. He understands the anger of his friends and family. This is why it takes him much deliberation before he can even come close to making a decision. He plays both sides right up until the end, listening to Danzo, as well as Fugaku and Shisui, paying attention to the current atmosphere in the Leaf as he tries to decide.

It is something he doesn't want to do. Here's where I get to the part I put in the tags of my drawing.

In this situation, it's almost worthless to write an analysis about Itachi's feelings at this time, his understanding of what was actually going on, his loyalty to his clan or his loyalty to the Leaf, because really, he could not grasp it. He was never prepared for this. He never knew he would be asked to make a decision he could only understand as "your family or the world?"

Itachi was put in a position that had no happy ending. There was no decision he could make that would not hurt. That could not result in a cataclysm that split him right down the middle. There was no version of this story that a 13-year-old could carry out thinking "I have done the right thing."

And that's the important part. Both sides asked him to make this decision, and so both sides are guilty of placing an immeasurable pressure on a child who should never have been put in such a position. Regardless of ideology, regardless of price, regardless of oppression or loyalty or devotion or any other thing- someone else should have made this decision for Itachi. Someone else should have been responsible. An adult, at the very least. Someone who COULD understand the implications of both options. Someone who COULD go forward and appreciate the evil of fascism and know that a coup was necessary. Itachi was never capable of such a thing. If he made the "wrong" decision, than every child who can't explain to you what a fascist government in a military state looks like and explain what the difference is between a hate crime and resisting a hateful power, is also wrong. Here is the nuance. These are things a 13-year-old in this universe cannot be expected to understand unless they are taught. And Itachi had no teacher. Quite the opposite. There were only forces pressing him from both sides, saying "choose."

Had his father done this for him, had Shisui been in this position, had any other adult Uchiha acting as a spy been put to this task, it would be a much different narrative. But of course, it had to be Itachi, who Danzo knew he could manipulate. It had to be a child, someone skilled enough to do the job, but inexperienced enough, afraid enough, to be willing to sacrifice everything they had to see the mission through. Someone you could whisper "greater good" to and have them hand over their well being on a plate. Someone who didn't understand they had the power and strength to destroy the system threatening them.

On a narrative level, Itachi exists to illustrate this point. How young people are systematically indoctrinated to serve a greater purpose, be it under a specific government, religion, or otherwise. We see it in real life fascism, in real life cults. There's no mistake. It isn't an accident that Itachi's story begins like this.

Which brings me to the rest of his life. The reason I drew the picture in the post referenced at the top. Itachi's character is a bit of a mystery the rest of the anime. Be that because of bad writing or an intentional omission, his motives, thoughts, and opinions are largely left ambiguous. However, there are still a few moments that interest me as far as the implications of his development.

When Itachi first comes back to the Leaf village, he faces Kakashi. On the one hand, this could simply be a narrative tool- the big bad meets the big good. He takes Kakashi out of commission! The first rogue shinobi we see who is able to defeat the pillar of the Leaf, the Copy Ninja, and without even breaking a sweat!

On the other hand, I find the brutality of Itachi's attack very intriguing. Again, it could be the tough guy act, but he's able to keep three jonin busy easily using standard genjutsu (with the help of Kisame). It wouldn't be a stretch to say that using the tsukuyomi is overkill, and at a considerable price, we learn later.

Why then would Itachi, who has been shown to have excellent battle intelligence, who is strategic to a fault, be willing to jeopardize his health among other things just to... scare the Leaf? Make sure Kakashi wouldn't be a nuisance in the future? Sure, the last one would make collecting Naruto less complicated, but they dispatched Kakashi easily enough, and surely Jiraiya, who Naruto was with at the time, would pose a bigger problem than Kakashi.

It doesn't make strategic sense, which makes me wonder if Itachi has a special animosity toward Kakashi. Being his superior in the ANBU before the Uchiha massacre, someone who was willing to conduct surveillance of the Uchiha compound without question, Kakashi could have become a symbol of the indifference of the Leaf for Itachi. He could very well have been a reminder of the inoperable position Itachi was put in when he was still a child, and Kakashi, of course, was an adult. Another adult who did nothing. Noticed nothing. Did not help Itachi.

And while I'm certain that Kakashi would have taken severe issue with the goings on in the Leaf at that time, judging by his reaction when he finds out the truth in Shippuden, Itachi knows him only by what he did then. Facilitated surveillance of the Uchiha compound, was a supportive superior, but nothing greater. A bystander whose compassion, while well meaning, was entirely unhelpful.

I don't think it's far fetched that Itachi fucking crucified Kakashi because he was so angry at what being in the Leaf did to him. At some point, as he got older, he realized how terrible it was. He realized there were people like him. Children who were "born killers". Pawns in the game of the shinobi powers.

After leaving the village, Itachi joins the Akatsuki, who are also seeking peace through war (another story). He is supposed to spy for them, but doesn't follow through in any enthusiastic way (that we're shown). He works alone for quite some time, or else with a group (briefly he was shown with Conan and Kakuzu). He is partners with Orochimaru before he's expelled from the Akatsuki. He is partners with one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist. He grows up and meets many people, sees lots of stories unfold. He learns that he isn't in a minority. Many shinobi are just like him.

And then, as an adult, he is partnered with Kisame, who he finds excellent camaraderie with because of their similar backgrounds. We see in this relationship that he understands what happened to him and what he did enough to acknowledge that, while neither of them are monsters, as many people say, they are human. And humans make mistakes. Humans are complicated. Wrong and right and wrong and right. They understand each other, and Itachi understands more clearly what the world puts these children up to. What it forces shinobi to become. That it isn't all his fault, but he still did it. And so he is responsible. He appears to be able to live with that.

But when he returns to the Leaf, those feelings bubble up. He hates the Leaf. He hates that system. He hates what he did. Maybe he even hates being a shinobi, how his excellence was weaponized, how being an Uchiha doomed him and his clan. And for what?

Itachi is played as a character who is only sensible, only logical, only interested in practical things, has nothing to express. But the way he behaves toward Kakashi in that moment bares all his grief and anger. I just like to think about it. We have so few moments where we get to see Itachi genuinely. The fight with Kakashi, the Sasuke/Deidara fight, his thoughtful moments with Kisame. Just makes me wonder what could've been if Itachi's story had gone a little differently.

Anyway, if anyone would like me to expand on any points or has additional thoughts, feel free to hop in my ask box or leave a comment. Thanks for the interest, I love to talk.

[sweetprfct]

Is It Over Now?

Joseph Quinn x Fem!Reader

Summary: Fake dating your flatmate, Joe, should be a simple thing. It meant you get to help get his ex back, and it meant you get to stop your parents' nagging about bringing someone home for once. But what happens when fake dating turns into something unexpected? Now, what?

Author's Note: I'm sure you all remember this unfinished fic. I'm back in this new blog. I'm setting my boundaries. Anons are off in this blog. I'm here to have a good time and that means no hate or drama from the fandom. I'm simply here to enjoy my writing and share it with everyone. Please read this for more info.

Disclaimer: Mention of violence, 18+

Wordcount: 3.7K

part one - part two - part three - part four - part five - part six - part seven - part eight - part nine - part ten

You knew going home for New Years was a terrible idea because when did you come home, and it ended up being a good quality time with your parents?

Never. 

All weekend, all you heard was your mum nagging about every detail of what was wrong with your life. You sat there on the dining table as she cooked dinner for the four of you. Your dad watching some sports on the television, and your younger brother sitting next to you, giving you a “just tuned her out” look. As if you haven’t done that all your life. 

“Did you know my friend’s daughter lived with her boyfriend for two years in the same flat, and he stabbed her in her sleep?” Your mum gave you her wide eyes.

“Mum!” Your eyes widened, disbelief that she had told you that. “I don’t think it's appropriate to talk about this.”

“Well, I’m just saying!” Your mum shook her head, sliding the chicken in the oven. “If her own boyfriend had stabbed her, how sure are you that you’re safe with that flatmate of yours?”

You rolled your eyes, hearing your brother chuckle next to you. 

“Wait, is she okay though?” Your brother interrupted. 

“She’s fine. Good thing she was rushed to the hospital right away.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose as your brother and your mum talked back and forth about the incident that happened. Meanwhile, your dad was just shutting the three of you out. Your brother was your mum’s favorite, especially now that he went through a divorce. She had babied him even more. She would say she felt sorry for him for going through such a shitty and rough divorce. Your dad, however, loved to nag your brother just like what your mum does to you every time. He would tell him how he shouldn't have married too early. That he only knew her for a year and decided that he was in love when he wasn’t in the first place. 

“I’ve been with Joe for a year. He’s fine. He’s barely home anyway.” You argued back.

Your mum let out a loud scoff, wiping her hands on the kitchen towel as she started working on the mashed potatoes. 

“You only kept that flat because you keep spending your money on unnecessary things!” Your mum has now found a new excuse for her complaining. “That's why you can’t afford your own flat. I mean look at Sara… She and Abby just bought a new place, and they got married.”

Oh no.

Here comes the marriage subject. 

You knew she was slowly creeping that subject in this conversation. She always managed to find a way to bring it up, and you should have seen it coming already. You and Sara have been best friends since college, and she has grown pretty close with your family. She got engaged last year with Abby, whom she met at an art gallery three years ago, and they got married just a few months ago. Though, before all that, you and Sara were flatmates. She moved out a year ago after getting engaged and started living with Abby. You, on the other hand, had found—you thought— a perfect flatmate. 

Joe. 

Joseph Quinn from that famous Stranger Things show. He was looking for a flatmate—you didn’t know why since he could afford it himself— and you thought it was perfect since he was barely home, and you could have the flat all by yourself most of the time. He wasn't too much of a hassle most of the time, and he knew how to treat your own boundaries well. It was perfect. 

Atleast to you. 

“Hate to burst your bubble, mother, but a flat in London is very expensive these days. I haven't been spending my money on unnecessary things.” 

“Maybe put that flatmate to use and get with him instead.” Your mum murmured under her breath, but you heard it loud and clear.

“MUM!” 

Ohmygod.

This woman was going to drive you nuts for the rest of the weekend. Was she that desperate that she was literally suggesting for you to get together with Joe? The woman was mad. 

“What?” Your mum gave you a look as if what she just said was not something so inappropriate. “You’re almost 30, and you don’t have a boyfriend nor have you brought anyone home at all.” 

You rolled your eyes, leaning back on your chair. You were 28 years old for fuck’s sake. She didn’t understand how hard it was to date someone out there these days. Besides, you liked your independence. You liked doing things on your own. You liked the way everything was in your life right now. You didn’t need to change that. 

“You two have been flatmates for over a year, and you’re telling me you two haven’t had sex?”

Good lord.

You got up from your chair, shaking your head. You couldn’t take anymore of this conversation with her. She needed to go get checked out or something because the woman was insane. Mental for sure. 

“Mum!” Your face was all scrunched up with the idea of you and Joe doing it. “I don’t like him like that! Also, just so you know, he has a girlfriend.”

“A girlfriend?” Your mum’s eyes widened. “And they don’t live together? That’s not going to last.”

“It’s his life, mum. Let him live the way he wants it to be.” You made your way towards the kitchen doorway. “Just like how you should let me live my own life.” You mumbled under your breath.

“Stop being so stiff and having an attitude with men all the time. That’s why no one asks you out.”

You sighed and paused in your tracks, turning to face your mum. You were ready for this conversation to be over.

“I’ll try.” You told her with a sarcastic hint in your voice before walking out of the kitchen, hearing your brother letting out a sigh. 

You knew he was frustrated for you too because he felt the same when it came to your father. Both of you dealt the same shit like this from your parents your whole lives. It wasn’t a surprise that the both of you were quick to move out of the house the moment you both graduated from secondary school. 

You flopped yourself on the sofa next to your dad, exhaling a sharp breath. The thought of you and Joe appeared in your mind, and you just couldn’t imagine it at all. You didn’t even know Joe well enough for you to like him like that. He was just your flatmate. A nice guy whenever he was around. That was all. 

“Mum bothering you?” Your dad interrupted your thoughts.

“Oh, you know, like always. She’s getting more and more inappropriate these days.” 

Your dad chuckled softly, taking a sip of his beer, his eyes were still laser focused on the game in front of him. 

“So, do you have a boyfriend at all?” 

You couldn’t help but let out a groan and threw your head back as soon as your dad mentioned that question. It was like you couldn’t get away from that subject at all in this house. You got up from the sofa and headed upstairs to your old room and stayed there until it was time for dinner. Your dad wasn’t as harsh as your mum when it came to conversations like these with you, but you were so sick of it. So sick of hearing the same question.

Why couldn’t anyone understand that you were fine being single? It wasn’t like you didn’t like being in a relationship. You were just bad at it, and you weren’t actively looking for one at the moment. You were too focused on your career, and why were they so adamant about you getting into a relationship when the both of them would fight all the time anyway? They couldn't even handle their own marriage well. Even now, they would argue in front of you or in front of their friends with no shame at all. It was stupid and ridiculous. 

How did they expect you to be in a relationship and deal with all that shit? 

It was all so terrifying.

You didn’t need that kind of shit in your life right now. You were perfectly fine being alone and just hanging out with your friends. You were fine meeting some man at the bar sometimes and maybe a little hookup but that was it. No strings attached after. Just a little bit of fun for a night. 

Coming home to your flat after that chaotic and terrible weekend at your parents’ house, you were so glad to be back in your own place. All you thought about the whole ride home on the train was how your bed was already calling you. You were ready to cuddle up in your fuzzy blanket, have some dinner and maybe a glass of wine, while finishing an episode of the show you were currently watching. 

Joe was in town for the next however many months. Who knows what his next schedule will be. You stopped keeping track of it since it would change all the time anyway. Though, you knew he was meeting his girlfriend, Ivy, tonight because he sent you a text when you were on the train that he left some dishes on the kitchen sink, but he would clean it up after his date with Ivy. 

Entering the flat, the place was dark and quiet. The only sound that you could hear was the heater automatically turning on every twenty minutes or so. Reaching for the light switch, you slapped it with your hand to turn on all the lights and made your way down the hall, dropping your duffel bag on the floor of your bedroom. You grabbed all your dirty clothes from your bag and threw it on the laundry basket before walking inside the shower to freshen up. Letting the hot water touch your skin, you exhaled sharply, letting your shoulders and mind relax. 

It was always like this.

You would find your whole body all tight and tense after visiting your parents’ house because of all the shit you have to deal with whenever you decide to come home. You didn’t even know why you would expect something else from them since it was always the same. You should have known. You couldn’t help but think about how you weren’t ever going back there again until Christmas because you couldn’t take anymore of hearing your parents’ nagging about the same thing all the time. 

Finally, pushing those thoughts away and reminding yourself that you were far far away from them now, you went to go make yourself some dinner and poured yourself a glass of white wine and settled onto the sofa. You figured maybe Joe wasn’t going to come home until later or better yet, he might stay over at Ivy’s place if he had too much to drink and couldn’t get away from her. 

You met Ivy a few times. She was tall and thin and an upcoming successful model. She was nice when you first met her but whenever she would come over after that, she would barely acknowledge you. It wasn’t like you really cared because it wasn’t any of your business. You did your own thing, and Joe did his. He never complained when, sometimes, you would bring a guy home, so why would you? 

During one of the nights that you and Joe would hang in your living room because you both ended up being bored on a weekend, he had mentioned that he and Ivy have been together for six months. From the conversation that you two had, it seemed like Joe really liked her. You couldn’t blame him though. She was pretty, confident, and a model. Who wouldn’t like her? 

So, after an hour of peace, you were sort of surprised when you heard his keys dangling on the other side of the front door as he unlocked it. It was only 9:30pm, and he usually doesn’t come home ‘til midnight or even at 2 am. Sometimes he doesn’t even come home at all. You heard the front door swung open and closed from down the hall as Joe’s heavy footsteps made the wooden floors creak. You drank your wine and looked over your shoulder to see him stumbling on his feet, walking towards you.

Was he drunk? This early?

Pausing the episode that you were watching, you got up from the sofa and walked over to where he was, helping him up on his feet. He was barely walking, and he was using the wall to lean onto it, so he wouldn’t fall flat on the floor.

“Are you okay?” You asked, taking his arm and wrapping it around your shoulder, helping him towards the sofa. 

Joe let out a sarcastic laugh and scoffed at the same time to the question you just asked. He flopped himself on the sofa and took a deep breath. He looked distressed. He could barely carry his head as he threw his head back on the sofa and closed his eyes. You wondered if something happened with Ivy. You wondered if they fought or if she said something to make him this upset.

“Ivy broke up with me.” Joe shook his head, his voice full of despair. 

You raised your brows in surprise, sitting next to him. You weren’t good at comforting someone, so you didn’t really know what to do or say. 

“Oh.” It was all you could manage. “I’m so sorry. Did she tell you why?”

It was a dumb question.

Of course, she would tell Joe why. Unless she was that cold hearted that she just told him it was over and left him like this. She wouldn’t do that, right? You just asked that stupid question because you didn’t know what else to say.

“She said because I wasn’t in town all the time, so she barely sees me and when I’m in town, I barely pay attention to her.” Joe fluttered his eyes open, straightened himself on the sofa and reached for your wine glass on the table, drinking the rest of it.

What Ivy said was such a lie though. 

How could she say that Joe barely paid attention to her when all Joe ever did was visit her whenever he was in town. In fact, he doesn’t even come home sometimes because he would stay over at her place, so what else did she want from him? 

“You know what makes it worse?” Joe scoffed again, shaking his head in disbelief. “She had to drag your name in the argument too.”

Your name? 

What do you have to do with all of this? What do you have to do with their relationship?

“What did she say?” You asked. 

Somehow, you sort of afraid of what Joe was going to answer.

“She’s jealous of you.” Joe replied. “Can you believe that? She’s jealous of you! She asked why I’m flatmates with you.”

That still didn’t make sense as to why she would be jealous of you. She knew you have been living in the same flat as Joe’s for a year now and all of a sudden, she was jealous? 

“Why would she be jealous of me?”

Joe shrugged, looking around his surroundings like he was looking for something. “I don’t know. She said something about you being smarter, prettier and better than her.”

What was in the air lately? Had people gone mad or something? First, your mum was saying all kinds of nonsense shit and now, Joe just told you Ivy was jealous of you? 

Jealous? Was she serious?

Ivy was literally a model. Every man would fall to their knees to have her, but she chose Joe over the rest of them. Not that Joe wasn’t attractive or anything. He was attractive, nice, and a good guy, but she could literally have anyone she wanted. Now, she was comparing herself to you? That was just ridiculous and honestly, sort of got you baffled over it. You weren’t even anything special at all for her to feel that way.

You couldn’t say all of that out loud though. Joe was already upset enough.

“I’m sorry.” You told him again, but Joe was too busy looking for something as his head snapped back and forth from side to side, his eyes scanning the room. “What are you looking for?”

“The rest of this.” Joe held up your empty wine glass. “Is it okay if you stay here and keep me company? Please?”

You nodded your head as you got up from the sofa to get the bottle of wine that you left in the kitchen and grabbed yourself another glass. You weren’t sure if it was a good idea to give Joe more alcohol but honestly, he probably needed it after tonight. Sitting back down next to him on the sofa, you poured the both of you some more wine, and you immediately took a sip of it, letting the liquid burn your throat and warm your stomach up.

“All her excuses were so stupid.” Joe drank his wine before continuing, “She knew how complicated my job could get, and I warned her about it, and she told me she could handle it. Now, she’s saying that she couldn’t?”

“I mean… if she knew about it, how come she’s acting like this was all new information she was just learning?” You turned to your side, fully facing Joe.

You brought your feet up and rested it underneath you to settle yourself on the sofa comfortably and continued to drink your wine. “You’re an actor. You are bound to travel to different countries, especially if it's a big part of your job.”

“Exactly! Thank you!” Joe threw his hand up in the air. “And bringing you in the conversation? Why would she be jealous of you? She had known all this time we’re just flatmates.”

You shrugged, “I don’t know. She seemed okay when I first met her. Then, she barely acknowledged me ever since.”

Joe scoffed, finishing his glass of wine before pouring himself more. You might want to take that bottle of wine from him soon because he might get even more drunk as he continues to vent over Ivy. 

“I feel like you’re the only one who understands. I know we barely talk because I’m barely even home most of the time, but thank you.” 

Joe was genuine and sincere and even when he was all upset, you could see the sincerity in his eyes. That was the one thing that you noticed about Joe. His eyes never lie. You could always tell the difference if he was lying or if he was telling the truth. Though, he didn’t really need to thank you. You understood how important his career was because you felt the same when it came to yours. However, it didn’t mean that he stopped caring about Ivy. You could see how much he liked her. 

“You communicated with her about everything that came with your career when she started dating you. Maybe you should try and communicate with her again about all of this? You know… to give her reassurance.” 

“I tried.” Joe leaned back on the sofa and stared at the ceiling. “But she refused to believe me. She said she couldn’t handle it anymore.”

You pursed your lips and stared at your distressed flatmate for a moment, not really knowing what else to say or do. Joe picked the worst person to vent about his relationship problems because what did you even know about a relationship? Yeah, you have been in a couple of relationships, but you were terrible at it. That was why you never tried to be in one. It was better that way. But you couldn’t tell Joe that. It seemed like he really wanted to fix this and be with Ivy.

“I really liked her too.” Joe played with the empty glass in his hand. “I really thought we were going to last.” 

“I’m really sorry.”

You scolded yourself for saying that for about a millionth time tonight. As if your sorrys were going to help his situation. You just didn’t know what else to say or do, and you hated it. Hated the fact that you couldn’t comfort someone without feeling all cringey and uncomfortable. Giving Joe some affection was going to make it worse too.

You blamed your own mother for being so cold your whole life. Affection and comforting someone didn’t run well in your family. Though, you knew you mostly were just blaming your mother because you were still frustrated over the chaotic weekend that you had to deal with. 

What a start of a New Year for you and Joe, huh? 

Joe continued on to rant about Ivy, but you could tell he was just angry and frustrated with her. You could see it in his eyes that he still felt something for her. Of course, that wasn’t going to go away easily. Eventually, he had fallen asleep on the sofa. So tired from all the venting and so drunk from all the alcohol he drank that he just crashed.

You got up from the sofa quietly and grabbed the throw blanket, covering him up, so he was comfortable and warm. There was no way you were able to carry him back in his room. He was just going to have to be comfortable on the sofa. For a second, you studied Joe that was peacefully sleeping in front of you and thought how you sort of felt bad for him. You couldn’t really put the pieces together as to why Ivy would act like that, especially how she felt about you. You barely saw Joe around lately, and you thought Ivy felt the same way about him with the way she would act around him whenever she would come over. 

Laying on your bed that night, staring at your ceiling, you kept comparing yourself to Ivy. She was a model, you were just someone who worked at a biotech lab. She was much prettier and taller. You were short and not at all pretty—at least you thought so— compared to her. You were nowhere near famous or known by certain people when you walked down the street unlike Ivy and Joe. 

Closing your eyes and letting the subject go, you just hoped that maybe Joe would at least feel a little better tomorrow. 

Taglist:

@palomahasenteredthechat @sunvick @eddies-acousticguitar @demonsanddemogorgons @joesquinns @mmunson86 @ghostinthebackofyourhead @corrodedcoffincumslut @figmentofquinn @tlclick73 @browneyes8288 @bylermaxmayfield

(I can't remember anyone else who wanted to be in the taglist so please let me know if you want to be in it).

[neowinestainedress]

© neowinestaindress; all rights reserved. do NOT repost, modify, or translate any work from this blog on any other platform and claim it as yours. you can find my works on ao3 (neowinestaindress) and wattpad (winestaintedress_; currently inactive).

LONG FICS

rock, paper, scissors ; 11k — johnjaenomin fivesome [s] — five friends rent a house together for a few weeks to enjoy summer like they used to do when they were younger, thinking that nothing could change their friendship. But teasing leads to pent-up tension and tension leads to problems. Problems that can’t be fixed by playing ‘rock, paper, scissors’ like when they were young.

can you handle it? ; 12k — johnjaenomin fivesome part 2 [s] — Johnny drags her wildest fantasies out of her mouth, or to be more precise, out of her phone. But can she handle it?

rose-colored glasses ; 18k — requested | bet!au [a] [s] — a long-lasting crush for her brother’s best friend, a bet, obsession, devotion and jealousy; all things that cannot lead to anything good. But the world that Jeno showed her was perfect and she couldn’t see what it really hid behind the rose-colored glasses. It was all distorted.

shattered glasses ; 28k — rose-colored glasses sequel | yandere [s] [f] [a] — there’s only one way to survive in a cage made of rose-colored glasses: don’t shatter the glasses, reality will be painful to accept. 

10 things I love about you ; 3k — requested | [f] [a] — she feels like Jeno’s only dating her for sex, and he proves to her how much he loves her by telling her ten of the things he loves about her the most (spoiler: they are more than ten).

wrapped around your fingers ; 8k — requested | CEO!au [s] [f] — Jeno finds out he has his girlfriend wrapped around his fingers... well, in a way he doesn’t quite expect.

drippin’ ; 18k — requested | x reader | haemarknomin fivesome [s] — you need relief from this strange pain you’re feeling, but you don’t know what to do. Your boyfriend and his friends offer to help, giving you a solution you didn’t quite expect coming.

into the woods ; 11k — inferno event | werewolves (feat kun, jaehyun, johnny, yangyang) [s]  — ‘don’t go in the woods, past the first two rows of trees.’ It’s a simple rule, planted in every kid’s mind in the village since they are born. Nobody knows why, but nobody dares to question why. But pride leads to do dangerous things and what’s supposed to be a silly bet to prove something, gets you lost a bit too far into the scary forest. And those who seem to be polite strangers turn out to be something they’re not.

sweet lies ; 7k — inferno event | ghost [s] — you find out what’s the weird sensation that’s been torturing you for years, but just when you think things start to make sense, he confuses you even more. Are you really who he thinks you are?

sweet deception ; 19k — inferno event | x reader | various monsters, multiple members [s] — on Halloween, nothing is as it seems. You end up in a room with six guys thinking they have amazing costumes only to be struck by reality when it’s too late; those are not costumes at all. But remember, on October 31, nothing is as it seems.

enough for you ; 5k — requested | traitor sequel + haechan [a] [f] — all she ever wanted was to be enough for Haechan, even now that they aren’t together anymore. Until someone opens her eyes and makes her realize that she is already enough the way she is.

happier ; 20k — requested | enough for you sequel + haechan [a] [f] [s] — Haechan can’t live with the weight of losing her forever, he can live even less with the fear that she might be happier with Jeno. He wonders if he’s still in time to fix what he tore apart or if he’ll have to pay the price for what he did forever.

wait for me ; 6k — gift | sequel | x reader [s] — jeno keeps his promise of turning you into a mess under him

secret ; 10k — gift | sub!jeno | x reader [s][f] — jeno has a secret he can’t tell anybody, not even you

do you want to play a game, detective? ; 10k — ghostface/scream!au [s] — in these past months your only goal is to find the killer that is terrorizing the town of Woodsboro, but when you get close to him and feel like you finally have the upper hand, Ghostface turns the game around again. Or, Ghostface wants to play with you but not like he does with his victims, and you let him.

SERIES

SOUR — COMPLETED distorted — COMPLETED

DRABBLES

nipple sucking— requested | x reader [s]

phone sex + innocence kink — requested | x reader [s]

villain!jeno + rough anal sex — requested | x reader [s]

shibari + hard!dom + toys — requested | x reader [s]

vampire!jeno x human!reader + sweet love making — requested | x reader [s]

game over — gamer!haechan + mark, jeno, jaemin | requested | x reader [s]

insecure reader — requested | x reader [f]

insecure jeno — requested | x reader [f]

fingers sucking — requested | x reader [s]

sub!jeno — requested | x reader [s] (it's more like a blurb but longer)

subspace — requested | x reader [s]

BLURBS / HARD HOURS

nominhyuck humiliation + filming [s]

nominhyuck humiliation [s]

[bogkeep]

HAIZ EXPLAINS AMATONORMATIVITY: REDUX

it's 2014. a teenager rummages through the newspaper at breakfast. they're looking for comic strips, but instead see the headline of the sports pages, proclaiming some famous sports guy is "NOT INTERESTED IN RELATIONSHIPS RIGHT NOW."

"really?" thinks the young haiz, "that's meant to be news? the sports news??"

it's not like they'd ever read the sports pages before, but the scandal in that headline would not leave their brain zeitgeist of the day. it was a metaphorical pebble thrown at them — not the first, but the one that made them go "HEY. STOP THAT???" so they took to the keyboard to yell into the void to hey, stop that.

then the void responded.

what i wrote that day was probably one of the first posts about amatonormativity to make rounds on tumblr. i did not expect it to get thousands of notes, and it's no longer on my blog. even though the majority of the response to it was positive, i wouldn't want to bring it back, because

- it was written in a very 2014 way

- with very 2014 thoughts

- some people were really cruel to me for writing it

- i still can't read it without wincing

but:

i can write a new one.

this is not an argument about who is or isn't oppressed. that is not an argument i'm interested in entertaining, and it's not what this post is about. human life on earth is incredibly diverse and complex and i'm just here to-

OH MY GOD WHAT IS AMATONORMATIVITY ALREADY

okay so amatonormativity is like. the idea that A Lasting, Monogamous & Exclusive Romantic Relationship is the most important type of relationship in the entire world and the thing we should all strive for in our lives. (insert obligatory "the term was coined by professor elizabeth brake in the book minimizing marriage" here.)

it's not exclusively an "omg it's so hard to be aro :(" thing, because it's like, an all-encompassing Narrative foisted upon us that shapes the way we view and talk about relationships, and it does everyone a disservice (as is the case with all Normativities! we want to break 'em ALL down!! for everyone!!!!!!). nor is it intended to make people feel bad for wanting long-lasting monogamous romantic relationships! that's your personal business and i wish you well!

(it IS kind of hard to be aro in a world that constantly argues that you're lacking The Most Important Experience That Makes You Human And Life Worth Living though. not gonna lie.)

- an easy example is how the word Love is, in a Lot of instances, for a Lot of people, basically synonymous with Red Hearts Kissy Kissy Smooch Smooch. like we ALL KNOW love is more than that, we love friends and family and strangers who were nice to us that one time and our pets and our favourite foods and our favourite shows. you kind of have to clarify when you mean Love in any other way than Romantic Love. which is wild, considering how Love is such a vast emotion that covers a lot of ground, and it keeps zeroing in on this specific kind.

- related to that, i have a whole internalised powerpoint presentation about how, if you put all of your relationships with other people in a pie chart, the Romantic Partner slice is likely to be very small compared to the Family slice and Friend slice and Acquaintance slice and all these other connections you have - yet it has, comparatively, a LOT of publicity and framework that some of the other categories find themself lacking. yes, a romantic partner/s is/are someone you're likely to share a lot of time and life with, so it makes some sense for sure - but not everyone has romantic partners, or the same priorities as far as commitment goes.

- the stigmatisation of being single/unpartnered. i get the impression that a lot of people have stayed in unsatisfactory relationships because it sounds better than the Dreadful, Terrible Alternative of Not Being In A Relationship. i think there has been a lot of pushback against this particular mindset in recent years, always flaring up around valentine's day for some reason - but it still feels like it's expected to be a Temporary State, not something you'd choose or prefer.

- romance as a Humanising Component in storytelling. say you've got some sort of non-human character, such as a Robot or a Beast. what is the easiest way for them to gain Personhood in the eyes of the audience? probably by falling in love, because falling in love is the Most Human Thing There Is. i think this also extends to queer stories in a similar way - a queer romance may win over a non-queer audience in a way other queer narratives may not, an "oh they're just like us" moment, if you will. these aren't bad stories to have, and queer romances are important stories to tell! it's just... tinged with a taste of "very well.... if it's TRUE LOVE... i can find it in me to extend some compassion......."

(and! on the flipside! an easy way to dehumanise an antagonist is to be like "AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN FEEL LOVE THEY JUST HAD NO HEART THEY WERE SO INHUMAN ")

(speaking of stories you know when a series ends and they partner up all the remaining single characters in a hurry or in the epilogue because god forbid they dON'T GET PARTNERS)

- you know how the reason for legalizing same-sex marriage wasn't because marriage is THE ULTIMATE EXPRESSION TRUE LOVE, but because it comes with a lot of legal rights such as tax benefits and hospital visitation rights? and uhhhhh isn't it kind of weird that marriage is the One thing that gives u a lot of those rights and it's 1) still presented as The Ultimate Expression Of True Love And The End Goal Of Life rather than a legal contract, and 2) not available to everyone? I THINK IT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

- polyamorous relationships are also stigmatised & there's a lot of work to do when it comes to marriage & parental rights for polyamorous couples. i'm sure one could write an entire list on this topic from a polyam/relationship anarchy angle.

- the stigma against sex In General is rooted in so many things, and i believe that a huge part of breaking down amatonormativity is to destigmatize casual sex, sexual relationships that aren't romantic, sex work + sex worker rights & everything in this category. thinking about sex as a thing you can/should only do with the love of your life after you're married hasn't served us very well, i think.

- the idea that our entire life is building up to The One Important Relationship is garbage. we have a lot of relationships in our lives, many of them temporary, and all of them matter to us in some way. you are not a half looking for another half to complete you - even the most compatible person on the earth is still going to be a human person who is flawed and ever changing.

- ok so there's a thing that happens when people want to prove a gay couple is Actually Dating and not Just Gal Pals and it's like "WOULD FRIENDS EVER DO THIS???" referring to some kind of intimate moment - and it's like, i get what you're trying to prove, but... some friends Would Do That, Actually. there is no act on earth wholly exclusive to romantic relationships. i subscribe to the idea that everyone gets to decide how they define their relationships, and what boundaries they have for each kind. maybe they WILL kiss their homies on the lips. with tongue.

- queerplatonic relationships: not only did we have to create a term for a Kind of committed relationship that isn't a romantic one, but we have to fight the deluge of "but that's just dating!!!!!" and "that's just having a best friend!!!!" - the thing is, it CAN be those things if you choose to, or it can be A Secret Third Thing. the way i see it, a queerplatonic relationship is just a Framework you can apply to a relationship that's like, There, but doesn't seem to fully fit into existing categories. because the human experience is vast and weird! i think it's unfair and kinda normative to reduce it to "dating, but for aros" - an Oddly Intimate Connection That Is Hard To Categorize can befall anyone, and as i presented in my pie chart theory, we don't have a lot of framework to discuss them.

that's all i've got for today. i hope this was enlightening or affirming for some <3

[yanderestarangel]

☆Yandere!Edward Richtofen ☆

a/n: just using some posts from my old blog ( I ​​excluded it because I wanted to focus more on the things I liked and not stick to just one topic ) Anyway, enjoy.

Tw: male reader and gn, other than "you" no other names used, death, blood, manipulation, harassment, dark themes, non con.

This man met you when you unexpectedly fell into an intradimensional portal connecting realities.

You fell at his feet

Like a fallen, lost angel who needed to be held at any cost and when I say any cost, I mean literally anything.

Young Richtofen tries to hide his sadistic side from you, he will always give you a friendly and reassuring smile, but deep down he wants to see you in your most intimate and fragile state. If you are an independent person who likes to do everything alone, forget it my angel, Richtofen will simply cut your independence completely, whether you like it or not.

He will remind you of how he saved you when you were so lost in his world, the desperation in his eyes as he saw a horde of zombies chasing you, you literally begging a stranger to save you from death, how grateful you are it must be because he did it. the one who found you and none of your mates who would leave you there without a second thought.

He would use anything to see you grateful and fearing in a way. Edward hates this feeling that fills his chest and warms him.

The man hasn't had much human contact in his 30 years of life, the university was empty and cruel to poor Edward and the gods have sent you, their saving angel.

He trembled just listening to you talk, seeing you every day seemed like a difficult task, Richtofen controlled himself more and more not to grab you in the middle of everyone and claim you as his. But you haven't realized it yet. For you, richtofen was just a crazy doctor who had created the zombie apocalypse you were in now while still worrying about returning to your reality, you were afraid, like how much time had passed there, if your world would corrupt like that of Richtofen someday. To you, the innocent Y/N Edward was a friend or acquaintance you were uncomfortable with, but kept as a means of survival and gratitude, after all he set you up and saved you from being eaten alive by the undead. But in the rotten mind of the doctor. You were his. Only his.

Richtofen knew how to get him home, it was simple, easy and fast. But he never told you. Never. Every time you met him, the same thing was repeated.

You would enter his lab in an abandoned building a few meters away where you and the rest of your team slept, he would smile at you asking you to come closer.

You would ask the man again who would pull you into his lap and ask for a kiss in exchange for the information. "-My love..." Richtofen started with you in his lap passing his nose over your neck and hair, you felt uncomfortable with the man's big hands on your thighs going up and up, you could feel the man's breath on your skin . "-I have the name Richtofen, please don't call me that." -you said as you took his hands away and stared at him, the man smiled and lowered his tone looking at the notebook in front of him. "-Nothing so far, I'll see if I can do something else and send you home soon... But nothing my prince." - said the man while blatantly lying to you, he knew how to get you. But he wouldn't. You left the frustrated man's legs and went to his dorm again hearing Richtofen say something but you didn't even turn around to see him.

How long has he been saying the same thing? 2 weeks? 2 months? 2 years? You didn't even know what time it was anymore. In addition to Richtofen, no one in the group was interested in talking to you, which made him frustrated for having only the doctor as a support to not go crazy in this distorted world.

Edward was working on other things, the main one being how to kill more zombies so the two of you could live a little better in that horrible reality. He even thought of opening a portal and running away with you to another place, but that would be too risky and he hated risk. Then you and he would stay in that world forever, but the man saw that you were getting more and more impatient and that worried him leading him to a drastic and horrible measure, kill all his team members and succumb to total madness only you are he .

He waited for you to sleep that night and quickly took care of killing all your team members, Richtofen felt nothing. The warmth of someone else's blood just made him feel empty without any regrets.

He quickly disposed of the bodies giving zombies outside the safe walls of the city, you were quickly returning and showering cleaning the blood and gunshot marks on the gray building. You woke up with a weight on the side of the mattress and quickly turned around to see Edward smiling at you, bidding you a warm good morning.

After that you went downstairs seeing the silence of the dorm and asking the man where all the other members were.

And that's when the theater began.

Richtofen lied playing the victim saying that the men had found the portal to his reality, you smiled happily but everything fell apart when the brunette said that they had entered and placed a timed detonator so no one could find them, it seemed like a false lie and it was really, but the air there and the current loneliness made you hyperventilate with all that belief in your doctor “friend”.

You cried while Richthofen mentally repeated an apology, he blamed himself deep down for all of this, but there was no going back.

[so2uv]

@ so2uv's sappy time.

end of the year. ive survived and that's scary but you know what? it'll be fine. we'll all be fine and im promising that; whether it be this year, the next, or far in the future, we'll be ok :)) it's stupid how this platform, one that my friends teased me for using, left such an impact on me as a person.

AKA. MY END OF YEAR MUTUAL APPRECIATION POST. (warning: these got long and sort emotional for me to write. well, as emotional as i can get fjkdhgkjfd. sorry if my coherence gets lost later on. forgive me if you weren't mentioned specifically for something; i have more mutuals that expected. it's genuinely surprising.)

if you weren't mentioned specifically, there's still a note for you at the bottom. sorry for making you scroll for long to find it :'DD

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @tiredsleep . . . the mutual who has stuck through it all. oh tired. tired, tired, tired. i think im a little stupid for how happy i get when you like a post or send an ask or keyboard smash in my reblogs. a lot of what i said in my long ask to you a while back is what im trying to convey now. the way we met wasn't through much special; i followed you and eventually you followed back. it was slow going in the ways we interacted but the nicest things take time and im so glad we're the way we are now. we're strangers, two little guys on the internet, and i think it's beautiful how we have this. you're an amazing writer, an all around amazing creator of the worlds you build and the characters you create. i don't think you realized how envious i used to be of you; you made it seem like it was easy enough for you to connect with others, your writing was something id never achieve with mine, it was flat out jealousy. it was my fault we were distant to begin with. i soon figured out that praise was correct: you are among the most wonderful people ive had the pleasure of knowing and talking to you, even if it's just through a screen. there's so much more for me to say that i constantly struggle to put into the correct words to get the point across. just know that you have great things out there for you. have a great new year, tired. we'll make it. im so proud of you.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @aelatus . . . the last standing mutual of all my og (close) mutuals. hello atlas! im not sure if you'll ever see this on tumblr since i know you don't log on much but you've been my mutual through three blog changes now; was there for my xstar-kidx era and kozmiixs stage. we've been through shit together, had banter about grammarly together, lost certain mutuals together, have changed blogs, changed themes, switched fandoms, fell out of love with fandoms. it's been a wild couple of years, huh? im so thankful we've met and got close in the ways that we did and that we're able to call each others close. your birthday is soon so in the case that i forget to say this on discord: happy birthday, the xiao to my albedo. live a life of freedom and joy, my love /p.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @izukxnnie . . . hara :((( i don't think you'll ever come to read this message but that's alright; maybe it's for the better kdfgh. i know i sent you that long winded ask on your blog already but i miss talking and interacting with you, even with all my awkwardness. im still so regretful of that one time i sent a request to join your world but then you were busy and i didn't read your messages until later that day as in hours later bc i was at school and idk if i ever responded to them in the end. maybe i'll send you a message on discord later. maybe i won't bc i'll be too sentimental. i really hope you're doing more than well, that you're happy doing what you do.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @ay-asterisms . . . the mutual who introduced me to so many others. i really have you to thank for what i have now, ay. truly. you brought me deeper into the hq fandom and introduced me to jennie, atlas, and others. we don't talk much but i'll say what ive mentioned before, you remind me so much of the sun. but not as the bringer of life and the ball we see every morning; a sun in the sense that you're a star closer to earth but still a star, still out there where there are multiple. the difference is that you just happen to bring a warmth that others can't provide for ones nearby.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @cryo-locket / @lo-cinno . . . you. im not even sure how we became mutuals, and my memory is pretty good. we just spawned in each other's zones one day and went yeah, alright. honestly, ive never said this to anyone, but you were one of the reasons i decided to focus more heavily on chinese. our interactions reminded me of why i wanted to relearn the language for myself: for the social connections. i genuinely love talking to you and always find myself laughing at our conversations. mainly because our timezone dif is so odd so it's always late in the evening when im on. your ebg was so fun and with all the pain it brought / hj, im so happy to have been part of it. thank you for putting up with my 2 am rambles and crack, hope you found laugh or two with them.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @pr3tty-jennie . . . you intimidated me when we first met. i still remember it actually: you had that kamninari theme and the most recent post on your blog was about how you couldn't remember the word for chandelier in english but knew it in french. you've been through so much, endured so much, and i respect you so much. always have, always will. your life story and the past don't define who you show as a person and im so amazed by that part of you. have a good day, good week, good rest of your life pretty girl :DD

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @june-again . . . it's crazy, you know? crazy how far we've both drifted off from the original fandom that brought us together? but that's character development. speaking of that, ive gotten the absolute pleasure of seeing you grow as a person and go through the motions of life. it's always chill talking to you, jokes come easy hah! you're an amazing musician, june. amazing person, amazing at writing, amazing at music; you're outstanding so in the words of Freddy fazbear from security break, way to go superstar! i knew you could do it and i know you still can.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @junjiie . . . the seungmin to my minho, the other half of 2min, the self proclaimed jeno to my renjun (have yet to be a dreamzen my b :(() and the no. 1 solieber. i was serious when i said you're the reason my other blog exists; you've been the biggest hype person when it came down to me going out of my comfort zone and writing. i was so nervous going up to talk to you at first kjfdhgkj but now, you're just another silly guy in my phone screen :DD thank you for sending all your updates about life and putting up with mine even though they never get answered- seungmin to not only my minho, but hyunjin too, let's keep being #Silly, yeah?? it's already the actual new years day when you're receiving this so i hope the year is off to a good start.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @sohyuki . . . MINT im hoarding the ask that you sent me on christmas day. im always so happy when you've shown up on dash and while im sad about how you've let tumblr mainly behind, i know it's for the better since well, interactions have been shit and probably will never get back up to the standard we held them to, even with all the effort put in. you are such an amazing all around person and like i said in my christmas note to you, keep writing. hoard it, feed into it, you have something wonderful going on with it.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @kamiyatos . . . user kamiyatos!!! lee!!! HELLO!!! it's always such a pleasure to talk to you and i hope you know that i keep your ramble about malleus' character and your plot idea for him in the back of my mind constantly, even though that ask has been lost to my actions of deactivation on my old blog. you're the biggest ayato fan i know who supports my works about him vocally AND you understand my vision on his personality... it's truly touching, y'know? thank you for being there, even when we don't talk as much as we should. i hope this year has been kind on you and the next one is even kinder.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @yinyinggie . . . yingyingyingyingerkjshkjfdg ok this may come as a shock, or maybe you already knew and were just playing along, but we used to be mutuals before the summer of last year. secret identity revealed ig?? eh im sure if you dig far enough into my dark past™️ you'll find smth about it so im not going to say anything about it :P but! one thing has stayed the same for sure: you are so easy and so fun to talk to and make conversation with. you know that ramble i left on the astro twerk form about feedback for the server? yeah. im 100% truthful. you've made something so inclusive and positive, have done to much to get tumblr active, please know that your efforts aren't wasted. im sure they feel like it at times but i appreciate it so much. and im sure others have the same sentiment.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @mhiieee . . . MHIEEEEEEEE MY SCARA FAN !!!! i love and adore your works so much and not to mention your characterization of scaramouche is top tier. ive got a lot to learn from you, mhie; i don't think you realize how much there is to admire when it comes to you as a person. you find such meaning and connection in the words and the world, the sincerity that comes with it,,,,, it makes me want to sob and roll around while also simultaneously wanting to take your brain apart neuron by neuron and psychoanalyze you. not in the freudian way though. ive had the greatest honor of being able to interact with you on not just one, but two!!! servers!!! i think it's a little silly how much i smile when you reply to smth dumb ive said on disc. have a great new year :))

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @ryuryuryuyurboat . . . RYUUUUUU literally the most stunning person to walk the planet ever like. hello??? our first interactions came from that ebg funny enough. does a little ★🪽 anon ring a bell? i only ever got around to sending you one sabo during that time but i hope you did enjoy what i came up with on the spot, i never was very good when it came down to kaeya's character. you are so intelligent and such an amazing individual, please always remember that.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @snobwaffles / @2nobwaffles . . . SNOB SNOB SNOB i always think of the pokemon when your name comes up. in my head, you will always be snom, the bug-ice type pokemon <33 IT'S SO FUN TALKING TO YOU and we haven't been mutuals for long either. im always thinking of the advice you left me when it came down to my rant about an irls party and there's something about the way you're able to appreciate and take note and find beauty int he smallest of things that get brought up. i wish you the complete best that 2024 has to off you. keep calm and snob on :DD

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @itaerae & @mins-fins . . . im putting the two of you together because well, i met you both at the same time through the server. while i can't consider it and, ive never really had such an inviting time in a server, much less a network, as ive had in zumblr. really, it's you two that i owe thanks to. our silly little convos are so fun and im forever thankful that ive found people to talk to on a server for once.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @https-furina . . . the best server mother fr!!! omg it's so nice talking to you :((( i love the warmth of your words and how your emotions shine through text. it feels like i can practically envision the fond eyeball or the warm smile that you may or may not have on your face when messaging. i’ve had such a great time in the network and your pet names fjfbdjdbjdb have a great 2024 heh :DD

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @lethwal & @astrinityy . . . i don't think you guys realize how fun it was when we were all "debating" and accusing me of being a furry. honestly, i haven't had to stifle laughter like that in the middle of the night as hard as i did for a small while. not too long but long enough. it was a breath of fresh air and it was genuinely amazing to just be able to put the present on the back burner and play around like that. even though it was kind of late for me when that was happening- ignore that. it's always late for me when im online atp. i hope we can get past those baseless accusations you have both placed on me tehe. have a happy new years, you two. ALSO YIXIN!! GA-MING PROTECTION SQUAD RISEEEEE

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @/zumblr . . . there's so many of you and i can't find the proper words to express the welcome i felt when added to the server. it was nerve wracking, ive never really gotten around to talking to that many people or being that open on the internet before. it's funny how one summer can bring you out of your shell a little, eh? and all bc of some guys on screen lmao. thank you for the support and im happy to have met such wonderful people. thank you, again. @urielphix I AM. DETERMINED TO READ ADAD JUST YOU WAIT

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @ everyone else, all my mutuals as of now and past, who weren't mentioned or mutuals who want to read something again . . . hello!! im sorry to disappoint by not adding you properly and for not giving a personalized thanks; it wasn't anything against it you at all. reason 1) i probably forgot as um. goldfish brain or 2) we just became mutuals pretty recently and haven't had the chance to really talk much / have been sort of long term but haven't talked much.

either way though, thanks for sticking around! im not the most. literate person. sometimes LMAO and im far from being a proud person of skill when it comes to the right words to say to people but im always happy when people find something worth it in my silly words. i hope we get to interact more in the future, as long as you can put up with my inconsistent (to say the least) replies and brain boggling posts that come from the depths of the midnight zone, that is. get ready for the ride that is this. clusterfuck of a blog place. LMAO,,,, if you haven't already scrolled through my stuff. if you have then um ready for more??? fkdjhgkjlghf

if you've made it to the end, thank you. and why?? im not that interesting or cool as everyone makes me out to be. if you had told 2019 me on tumblr that 4 years later, id be posting my works for everyone to see and also be proud of my own poetry, i would have laughed and called you absolutely insane. some of you have sat through me going through different gender and pronoun crises on dash back in 2020, and some of you ive only met this month.

whatever our situation is, i wish all the best for everyone . i’ll support you guys until the end of the earth and then some. have the happiest of happy new years, may your futures always be brighter than you say they are, and i’ll see you later 💛

sincerely — sol / jun

[uchihaxitachi]

Important PSA:

Warnings: Anon blogs versus other RP drama, 🎭 skip if you want to. Read if you want to know what is my final course of action about it

I feel like it’s about time I had to make a post, I hate typing a lot (I hate it lmfaooo especially when it’s not a fic or a RP plot I’m dangerously excited about) 😮‍💨 but two months ago shit happened. I get it. The “Anon” thing started from me, a bored Covid struck Itachi simp who just created Itachi-anon for funsies. I had seen roleplaying in other fandoms (BNHA) and that’s how I decided to create Itachi anon. I just wanted to embody the character I loved with all my heart. Asks/RP plots, everything is a part & parcel of this. Sasukeanon joined in, (from the very beginning) annoying Itachi as his little brother. They made the blog just for my Itachi, and I was the one who nudged them to make it an Anon blog. (Others joined and yada yada).

The purpose was to have fun and to RP. It’s been four years since I’ve been on Tumblr where I’ve deleted this blog multiple times because I was sick of the mundane toxicity this fandom as a whole invests in. I thought it was a Covid thingy, hey? Everyone gets bored & gets frustrated, y’know? Clearly not. With the whole feud that happened between various blogs and the Anon blogs, it was pretty clear people had things which they shouldn’t give that much importance to, given drastically astronomical importance. Who gives a shit ffs? 🤦🏻‍♀️ These characters aren’t real, we have real lives (most of us) outside this platform. I couldn’t care less about what happened, and I don’t care about what’s happening right now.

Now, you’d say if you don’t give a shit, Itachi-Mod, why did you get involved. See? I don’t give a shit about this stuff, but — I do give a shit about people I call my friends, people I consider close, people who know a tad bit more about me other than the fact that I go by Ena (Online name) and I moderate this blog. Even if in the near future, if someone comes for my friends, I will defend them unperturbed and uncaring of how it makes me look like. Cus I couldn’t care less what a bunch of unknown strangers think about me over my friends. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That being said, I don’t want to be a part of the whole “fixing things” or, “X apologizing to Y, Y apologizing to Z.” Because I’ve burnt the book long ago. If it were Sasukeanon and I, (who have fought in the past before mind you). I would be interested in doing whatever it takes to make things right. If it’s someone who I didn’t even know well, I would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather protect my peace that’s already fucked by my Corporate job.

In conclusion, don’t talk to me about this anymore. Choose your sides, us or them. Or both. I couldn’t really care neither will I make anyone choose like an insecure teen. If you want to RP with my version of Itachi, let’s go! 💓 If not, that’s okay, there are other, lesser canon (sarcastic) versions of him out there. 😛

Peace out! ✌️ if you’ve read this much imagine me giving you a bear hug 🤗 and loads of kissies xx because holy shidddd I wouldn’t read this much ngl (Maybe I have ADHD) 😔😭

-Mod

[kavalyera]

//suicide, e/d

obviously, i can’t say my experience is the same for all. but in all honesty, my biggest downfall is my inability to express my own vulnerability. whether it’s my ego or uncomfortableness coming into play, i don’t like opening up. and when i do, it’s never the full truth. i’ve opened up, maybe, when i’m half asleep or fully pissed. but yeah, most of my vents in all honesty are just shallow. they’re something anyone could see on the surface. i don’t know what to say in this note. but yeah. just opening up about my inability to open up.

it’s not that i think of myself as a god, flawless and undeniably untouchable, it’s that my own thoughts are too much to handle for people around me. i have twisted thoughts, and i do twisted things, and no one seems to fully understand why i do those things. even though i don’t care about whether or not people can wrap their measly heads around my idealizations of killing myself around people or destroying lives. i’m not a psychopath, or a sociopath, or atleast i don’t think i am. i don’t plan on hurting other people and never do i wish to harm other people since it would take my own energy away from me. i’m not saying this to be edgy, no, this is me, evren—real and raw. unplated, laid out, and freshly butchered. i never reveal much of myself since i don’t think people would care, but it seems some do considering in the days i turned off tumblr and the hours i posted that i had almost killed myself, there was an influx of people asking me if i was okay (12 in those three days, 5 in those hours). i am not okay. that’s something to be real. there is something terribly wrong with me and i won’t lie about it. i am sick to my core, and i don’t care if people resent me or love me or like me or dislike me for my actions when it’s clear i am sick. i knew from an early age that i’m not a normal person, i don’t know what empathy or sympathy felt like, nor do i do now, but i have a rough understanding of how it feels. if my lack of empathy scares you as it did with many others, then you are apart of the general public and i do not care about you. to be clear, i never really cared for any stranger. for friends, i cared about impressing with an image i’ve conjured over the years. i wanted to look normal, feel normal, and maybe even feel normal. i’ve checked two boxes but there was always this part in my brain like a wringing parasite, slithering through the wrinkles of my brain, telling me that i will never feel normal. i know some people may relate to this, of course i know. it’s the same thing for every other person with neurodivergence or other problems.

anyways, i will be offline for a while, trying to recover and mend my bond with my family. i don’t feel sorry, i think they should easily get over my death. but alas, i am not dead. i am alive, and in recovery. even now, food feels disgusting to swallow and i am not a normal person at all no matter how much i conceal it; as such a gun in it’s holster under a jacket. i eat, i throw up, i drink water. that’s the same cycle for me.

that’s enough, anyways, some of my blogs will be managed by someone else.

[stormblessed95]

Hi, sorry if it's late, but can I ask for your persoal top favorite queer books and (maybe) your top fav fanfiction (from any fandom but your all time fav)? Thanks so much.....

Also why do you think mlm or wlw romance is more interesting than mlw (het) romance?

Feel free if you want to ignore the last ask, thanks for your blog....

Why do I personally enjoy gay romances to het ones? Preference and taste probably. I also tend to enjoy the angst, longing, tropes, passion, etc in the way its written more than I do in the ways those things are written between a straight couple. And that's not to say I don't enjoy straight romances either! I have plently of het ships I love too, and a few good romances that aren't gay 😂 I just have a preference, and that's okay! As for recommendations!! I have a LOTS! If you want to tell me about what YOU like to read, I can give even better recs. But for in general, some of my favorites...

I have posts about QUITE A FEW here already that you can check out (please do)!:

^ you'll find queer characters in most of the lists of recs honestly at least somewhere. BUT I do have posts specific for Sapphic, Achillian and Ace recs there. So start there!

I'll also throw in that I'm recently quite obsessed with fantasy Sapphics with swords in my books lately! So books like "The Jasmine Throne." "This is How You Lose The Time War." "Priory of the Orange Tree." "Gideon the Ninth." "Girls of Paper and Fire" and "Legends and Lattes."

Come back for me if you want more!

And some of my favorite fics (of various fandoms! Exciting!) In no particular order, I'll link a few for you!

That Isn't Nothing by Taekookschanbaek

(I KNOW OKAY, in my defense I didn't realize the authors name until AFTER I read and loved the fic lmfao but it IS SO good, I promise lol)

Fandom: All For The Game

Ship: Andrew x Neil

Summary: "A look into the lives of pro exy players Andrew Minyard and Neil Josten. The world says they hate each other, but when Andrew gets transferred to Neil's team, their teammates begin seeing something else between them."

In Which Neil is a PR Nightmare by CoverYourEyes

Fandom: All For The Game

Ship: Andrew x Neil

Summary: "Eve was not the best person in the world. Sometimes she didn’t hold the elevator open when she saw people rushing to catch it from the other side of the lobby. Cutting the line at Starbucks was a semi-regular action. But Eve did not deserve to be Neil fucking Josten's publicist.

**********

Or, the one where Neil does what he wants, picks fights with reporters, discovers Twitter, breaks the internet, and really shouldn't be allowed out of his house. Andrew does nothing to discourage him."

The Men In Apartment 22B by jjmash

Fandom: All For The Game

Ship: Andrew x Neil

Summary: "Andrew and Neil's new neighbors are extremely confused about the two mysterious men in 22B. Are they dating? Are they in the mafia? Are they rival assassins who've fallen in love? As always, the truth is stranger than fiction."

Blame It On My Youth by youreyestheyglow

(Locked fic, you need an account. This fic is THICK but it's by far one of the best Andriel fics I've ever read or just in general. SO GOOD and so emotional and so sweet and so cute)

Fandom: All For The Game

Ship: Andrew x Neil

Summary: "10 years after the end of The King's Men, Andrew and Neil have decided to foster a kid. They have low expectations for themselves--they're not exactly ideal parenting material--but at the very least, the kid will be safe with them. But neither Andrew nor Neil do temporary very well.

Full disclosure: highly character-driven, minimally plot-driven."

(Wangxian and MDZS IS my newest hyperfixation and I love the juniors dynamics fics so much lol)

The One-Body Problem by metisket

Fandom: MDZS

Ship: Wei Ying x Lan Zhan

Summary: "The good news is that Lan Jingyi has found a mentor, friend, and constant companion through the difficulties in life.

The bad news is that that’s because he’s been accidentally possessed by the Yiling Patriarch."

Operation Old Men by Chiharu

Fandom: MDZS

Ship: Wei Ying x Lan Zhan

Summary: "An ill-fated parent teacher conference reunites Jin Ling's wayward uncle with Sizhui's father. AKA: A matchmaking disaster as told by Jin Ling, Sizhui, and Jingyi."

And Time Is But A Paper Moon by Sami

Fandom: MDZS

Ship: Wei Ying x Lan Zhan

Summary: ""Zewu-Jun. You once told me about a house surrounded by gentians, where you visited once a month, and how Lan Zhan still waited there, even when the door no longer opened."

Xichen feels light-headed. He feels shocked, and angry. He has never told anyone such a thing, but Lan Zhan is giving Xichen a look of utter betrayal.

"You told him?" Lan Zhan whispers. "When?"

Wei Wuxian takes Lan Zhan's hand. "About twenty years from now."

*******

Wei Wuxian starts again from the beginning."

(the first time) he kissed a boy by buzzcut__season

Fandom: Sk8 The Infinity

Ship: Langa x Reki

Summary: "Reki is insecure about his lack of kissing experience. Langa just wants to help him feel like he's good enough, even if teaching Reki to kiss means breaking his own heart."

The Gambler by MooeyDooey

Fandom: Sk8 The Infinity

Ship: Joe x Cherry

Summary: "Joe and Cherry run into a problem. Conspiracy theories have started to surface in some fan forums of "S" that the two of them are secretly dating one another.

Both of them agree that the idea is absurd, but can't agree on which one of them would be the better boyfriend if they actually were dating. So they decide to have a competition, to see who can be the better romantic partner when pitted up against one another."

The One Where Nico Has 30 Boyfriends by a_million_stars

Fandom: PJO

Ship: Will x Nico

Summary: "“Seriously? Me and Lester?” Nico looked ready to kill him. “If you keep speaking to me I think I’m going to throw up.”

Or, a new friend from college desperately tries to figure out who Nico's secret boyfriend is. He messes up. A lot. If only Nico didn't have so many weirdly close friends from high school."

Burgundy (not Maroon) by Eggplant_Crusader

Fandom: Wednesday

Ship: Wednesday x Enid

Summary: "They're driving each other insane. It can't last. One of these days, one of them will surely kill the other. Enid wants to avoid that. Wednesday can't wait."

Like Everything Glows by Annie_Vi

(One of the only people I'll read RPS fics from. Everything this woman writes is gold, this is my favorite though, and the first i read of hers)

Fandom: BTS

Ship: Jimin x Jungkook

Summary: "Jeon Jeongguk watches the sun rise and set on the water every day without wondering what may lie far beneath the surface. One nighttime walk along the beach upheaves his entire life, sending his human morals into a tailspin as he questions what his beliefs really are."

(I need more shows with good wlw ships that have good fics too!! If anyone has any good recs, send them my way!! Also there are so many good fics I've read that i realized i never bookmarked and now i cant remember what they are. Lesson learned. Bookmark everything! Thanks for the ask!!)

[isakyakihasmyheart]

Mind Dump 5 years on...

This is the first time I've logged into this account since 2019(ish) so I'm pretty sure there's going to be no one left here but if you are, Hi! I'm just going to dump this post here because I am a tumblr girl at heart and laying my most deepest thoughts to strangers on the internet is all I've ever known...

After the recent news of the death of Liam Payne 2 days ago I've been thinking about this website non-stop. Like many people, this news hit me so unexpectedly emotionally. Grieving someone I never knew, but also grieving a time in my life I can never ever experience again.

My life has changed so much since I last logged into this account, and yet so little at the same time. I started this account in early 2017 after I got into SKAM back in 2016, abandoning a previous Dan and Phil centred account I had from 2014. I was still in school, the last season of SKAM lining up with my own life of leaving school and starting university. I remember thinking that was so cool, watching these characters I grew to adore also experiencing their last year alongside me. I started university in late 2018, studying to become a nurse but yet never got over SKAM. Instead, I became obsessed DRUCK and connected to Matteo in a way I haven't ever experienced with another fictional character since (the only close match being Connell from Normal People in that one uni scene iykyk). However, I ultimately ended up abandoning this account in 2019.

I don't actually know why I stopped coming on this website. Because since I was 14 this website was all I could ever think about. Me and best friend in 2014 were absolutely obsessed with tubmlr. We would literally spend hours on this website reblogging the most random things, and things that at that point in our lives meant so much to us. And with this recent news, I've felt this strong tsunami of nostalgia for that period of my life.

I was never a 1D blog, but I loved 1D. Not very openly as I had older sisters who made fun of me for it. I squashed any outwardly expression of my love for them to avoid this at all costs. A major cost being turning down to go and see them in concert in 2014/2015 when my friend (mentioned above) had an extra ticket. I think about that often and regret it every time. When covid came around and we were in lockdown I was in the mid/end of my 2nd year of uni, 20 years of age. I know a lot of people talk of how they regressed back to their younger passions, and so did I. I had the full 1D experience I never let myself have, not caring about others' opinions on it (mainly my older sister). I listened to their music nonstop every single day, watching so many edits and even reading fan fics. I truly felt like I was 14 again. But there was always that voice in the back of my head saying, "you're too late, it's not the same, you've missed out on it all." I yearned with everything in me to be that teenage girl again. It was during this period in 2020 that my family relationships also became very volatile and dysfunctional, meaning 1D became an even bigger safe space for me.

I've always been a nostalgic person in the worst way possible. I can't help but let the regrets of things I never did consume me. The thoughts of how different my life could be, how different I could be, it always plagues me. I know this sounds dramatic because I'm talking about a 2010s boyband, believe me I know it does.

But I was 14 when my life started to go to shit, when my mental health first started to decline and truthfully it has never recovered. Maybe because in the back of my mind, I always felt like that 14 year old girl, scared and alone and hurting so bad with no one to help her. And the unbelievable shocking news of Liam Payne dying, it's just transporting me back to that period of my life. Even more so as I lost my dad very unexpectedly and traumaticly in March this year.

I just feel so full of grief for so many things all at once, all separate yet all so intertwined. I would truly give anything and everything I have to just relive being that teenage girl, even the unspeakable bad parts. And it makes me so angry to know I can't. And of course, I can't, because that's not how time works! Yet it feels like I can't breathe when I come to that realisation. In all its dramatic flare, it genuinely feels like it's killing me that I can't ever experience that life again.

All in all, I'll never truly forget this website. Especially not this account, I loved this account! Maybe this is just the part of growing up I'm currently struggling with. I'm 24 now, which in itself is scary because no matter what I am and always will be that 14 year old girl.

Girlhood is forever and always xx

[aromantic-diaries]

Hi! I love your posts! they're really great and I find many of them relatable.

Anyway, I have a problem. I've posted a couple times on my own aro experience and they kinda blew up a bit. in the realm of a thousand or so notes. Now that's cool and all, but i've been getting a lot of reblogs with additional comments that are super aphobic. Its really starting to get on my nerves and negatively impact me. Since you post about aromanticism often, and have many posts that have been seen by many people, how do you deal with the aphobic comments that i'm sure you receive semi-frequently?

Well yes, I have received some mean spirited comments and anonymous messages over the year that I have been running this blog and the most important thing is to just block block and block. Don't argue, no point in doing so. When I get any level of aphobia thrown at me I take a deep breath, make a spiteful and condescending comeback at them in my head such as "oh look at you you're so righteous, typing hate messages to a random person online! Did you get it? Did you get that little smidge of satisfaction from dunking on a random stranger you don't agree with? Do you feel the sense of superiority?" Or something along those lines. I don't type out any of it and go straight for the block button.

Of course it can have an emotional toll on you which is completely natural. I advise you to stay away from pointless negativity and assure yourself that a random person's opinion shouldn't have an influence on how you think about yourself or your orientation. Life goes on and we all have better things to do than argue on who's "valid" and who's not. Despite all the negativity you get you're still gonna be living your aromantic life and there is no point in paying any mind to people who have an opinion and decided to make it your problem

[racheljoyscott]

Hey i love your blog<3

Do you know how to make friends , i got bullied in 8th grade by my group of friends because i defended a girl from being body shamed and i lost all my confidence to talk to people and making friends im a freshman going into sophomore year and i want to make friends this upcoming school year<3 i’ve been inspired by rachel to become more friendly like she was for the upcoming school year like reaching out to people bc ik whats it’s like to be bullied but i get really scared to talk to people bc i feel like im gonna get judged💜

Hey Anon! Glad you came across my page. I'll give you two sets of advice, my own and what I think Rachel would tell you.

You are almost the age I was when I started this blog so many years ago! I still, to this day, am thankful every single day that I learned of Rachel's story. I found her at the most pivotal stage in my teenage development. It shaped me more than I can express, and she completely altered my character progression. Rachel is extremely inspiring. Just listen to her stories and I promise it'll have some good effect on you. It's worth every second.

With that being said, this is my advice. The hard truth is, there will always be mean people tearing you down. Whether it's mean girls at school, a mean boss, or even your roommates in college. To make friends, be yourself. Learning to follow your own interests and live through your values will take you so much farther in life. And you'll be happier. Friends will come. I didn't have many friends in middle school or for a good chunk of high school. But looking back, I think I was better off having my few close friends than forcing friendships with the popular kids. Be a friend to everyone (with limits), but don't worry too much about having/not having friends. I promise you, being yourself and being kind to all people will give you confidence and bring you so much value to your future self. I think these early years are really impactful on your future. Put good out there, build a foundation for your career, and do your best in school. But given you are already following Rachel's footsteps, I'd say you're on a very good path :)

Based on what I know about Rachel, I'd say she'd be proud of you for sticking up for that girl! Please, please, never let other girls, especially mean or judgemental girls, take away any bit of sparkle or strength you have. If you are already using your voice for good and to help others so young, keep making it stronger. No matter what you say, you'll learn someone has an issue with it or judge you for it. Everyone has a bit of social anxiety when it comes to things like this. Especially at your age in high school. To combat it, Rachel wore really funky and eccentric outfits that kind of forced her to get used to discomfort and judgement. (Also because she was really cool!) To combat mine, I learned that people don't remember or care nearly as much as you do when you think you embarrass yourself. I even think of Rachel when I have trouble approaching someone. Because really, you never know what people are thinking or going through. She asked God to use her to reach out to people and to help others. Maybe that person sitting alone wants someone to sit with them, or maybe they don't! But it's for you to find out. Either you make a friend in the process, or learn more and more on how to approach people and make small talk. Life's all about chances but they're usually worth taking.

My advice to overcome the fear of being judged is to do your best. Whenever I fear how I'm being perceived or judged, I tell myself I did the best I could today. Even if I did screw up, at least I helped someone out. I was kind to a stranger. I put a smile on someone's face. Held a door open. Etc. At least I tried to be good and did something small to positively impact the people around me. Because truly, that's all that matters. And that's all because I found Rachel's story. :)

Please reach out to me if you ever need anything else, and I encourage you to use my blog to learn more about Rachel. She was always a friend when I didn't have one. There is truly so much you can learn from her! Good luck! xx