#// ive never been this sentimental or thought out a personal post quite as much as this one

[so2uv]

@ so2uv's sappy time.

end of the year. ive survived and that's scary but you know what? it'll be fine. we'll all be fine and im promising that; whether it be this year, the next, or far in the future, we'll be ok :)) it's stupid how this platform, one that my friends teased me for using, left such an impact on me as a person.

AKA. MY END OF YEAR MUTUAL APPRECIATION POST. (warning: these got long and sort emotional for me to write. well, as emotional as i can get fjkdhgkjfd. sorry if my coherence gets lost later on. forgive me if you weren't mentioned specifically for something; i have more mutuals that expected. it's genuinely surprising.)

if you weren't mentioned specifically, there's still a note for you at the bottom. sorry for making you scroll for long to find it :'DD

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @tiredsleep . . . the mutual who has stuck through it all. oh tired. tired, tired, tired. i think im a little stupid for how happy i get when you like a post or send an ask or keyboard smash in my reblogs. a lot of what i said in my long ask to you a while back is what im trying to convey now. the way we met wasn't through much special; i followed you and eventually you followed back. it was slow going in the ways we interacted but the nicest things take time and im so glad we're the way we are now. we're strangers, two little guys on the internet, and i think it's beautiful how we have this. you're an amazing writer, an all around amazing creator of the worlds you build and the characters you create. i don't think you realized how envious i used to be of you; you made it seem like it was easy enough for you to connect with others, your writing was something id never achieve with mine, it was flat out jealousy. it was my fault we were distant to begin with. i soon figured out that praise was correct: you are among the most wonderful people ive had the pleasure of knowing and talking to you, even if it's just through a screen. there's so much more for me to say that i constantly struggle to put into the correct words to get the point across. just know that you have great things out there for you. have a great new year, tired. we'll make it. im so proud of you.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @aelatus . . . the last standing mutual of all my og (close) mutuals. hello atlas! im not sure if you'll ever see this on tumblr since i know you don't log on much but you've been my mutual through three blog changes now; was there for my xstar-kidx era and kozmiixs stage. we've been through shit together, had banter about grammarly together, lost certain mutuals together, have changed blogs, changed themes, switched fandoms, fell out of love with fandoms. it's been a wild couple of years, huh? im so thankful we've met and got close in the ways that we did and that we're able to call each others close. your birthday is soon so in the case that i forget to say this on discord: happy birthday, the xiao to my albedo. live a life of freedom and joy, my love /p.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @izukxnnie . . . hara :((( i don't think you'll ever come to read this message but that's alright; maybe it's for the better kdfgh. i know i sent you that long winded ask on your blog already but i miss talking and interacting with you, even with all my awkwardness. im still so regretful of that one time i sent a request to join your world but then you were busy and i didn't read your messages until later that day as in hours later bc i was at school and idk if i ever responded to them in the end. maybe i'll send you a message on discord later. maybe i won't bc i'll be too sentimental. i really hope you're doing more than well, that you're happy doing what you do.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @ay-asterisms . . . the mutual who introduced me to so many others. i really have you to thank for what i have now, ay. truly. you brought me deeper into the hq fandom and introduced me to jennie, atlas, and others. we don't talk much but i'll say what ive mentioned before, you remind me so much of the sun. but not as the bringer of life and the ball we see every morning; a sun in the sense that you're a star closer to earth but still a star, still out there where there are multiple. the difference is that you just happen to bring a warmth that others can't provide for ones nearby.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @cryo-locket / @lo-cinno . . . you. im not even sure how we became mutuals, and my memory is pretty good. we just spawned in each other's zones one day and went yeah, alright. honestly, ive never said this to anyone, but you were one of the reasons i decided to focus more heavily on chinese. our interactions reminded me of why i wanted to relearn the language for myself: for the social connections. i genuinely love talking to you and always find myself laughing at our conversations. mainly because our timezone dif is so odd so it's always late in the evening when im on. your ebg was so fun and with all the pain it brought / hj, im so happy to have been part of it. thank you for putting up with my 2 am rambles and crack, hope you found laugh or two with them.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @pr3tty-jennie . . . you intimidated me when we first met. i still remember it actually: you had that kamninari theme and the most recent post on your blog was about how you couldn't remember the word for chandelier in english but knew it in french. you've been through so much, endured so much, and i respect you so much. always have, always will. your life story and the past don't define who you show as a person and im so amazed by that part of you. have a good day, good week, good rest of your life pretty girl :DD

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @june-again . . . it's crazy, you know? crazy how far we've both drifted off from the original fandom that brought us together? but that's character development. speaking of that, ive gotten the absolute pleasure of seeing you grow as a person and go through the motions of life. it's always chill talking to you, jokes come easy hah! you're an amazing musician, june. amazing person, amazing at writing, amazing at music; you're outstanding so in the words of Freddy fazbear from security break, way to go superstar! i knew you could do it and i know you still can.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @junjiie . . . the seungmin to my minho, the other half of 2min, the self proclaimed jeno to my renjun (have yet to be a dreamzen my b :(() and the no. 1 solieber. i was serious when i said you're the reason my other blog exists; you've been the biggest hype person when it came down to me going out of my comfort zone and writing. i was so nervous going up to talk to you at first kjfdhgkj but now, you're just another silly guy in my phone screen :DD thank you for sending all your updates about life and putting up with mine even though they never get answered- seungmin to not only my minho, but hyunjin too, let's keep being #Silly, yeah?? it's already the actual new years day when you're receiving this so i hope the year is off to a good start.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @sohyuki . . . MINT im hoarding the ask that you sent me on christmas day. im always so happy when you've shown up on dash and while im sad about how you've let tumblr mainly behind, i know it's for the better since well, interactions have been shit and probably will never get back up to the standard we held them to, even with all the effort put in. you are such an amazing all around person and like i said in my christmas note to you, keep writing. hoard it, feed into it, you have something wonderful going on with it.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @kamiyatos . . . user kamiyatos!!! lee!!! HELLO!!! it's always such a pleasure to talk to you and i hope you know that i keep your ramble about malleus' character and your plot idea for him in the back of my mind constantly, even though that ask has been lost to my actions of deactivation on my old blog. you're the biggest ayato fan i know who supports my works about him vocally AND you understand my vision on his personality... it's truly touching, y'know? thank you for being there, even when we don't talk as much as we should. i hope this year has been kind on you and the next one is even kinder.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @yinyinggie . . . yingyingyingyingerkjshkjfdg ok this may come as a shock, or maybe you already knew and were just playing along, but we used to be mutuals before the summer of last year. secret identity revealed ig?? eh im sure if you dig far enough into my dark past™️ you'll find smth about it so im not going to say anything about it :P but! one thing has stayed the same for sure: you are so easy and so fun to talk to and make conversation with. you know that ramble i left on the astro twerk form about feedback for the server? yeah. im 100% truthful. you've made something so inclusive and positive, have done to much to get tumblr active, please know that your efforts aren't wasted. im sure they feel like it at times but i appreciate it so much. and im sure others have the same sentiment.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @mhiieee . . . MHIEEEEEEEE MY SCARA FAN !!!! i love and adore your works so much and not to mention your characterization of scaramouche is top tier. ive got a lot to learn from you, mhie; i don't think you realize how much there is to admire when it comes to you as a person. you find such meaning and connection in the words and the world, the sincerity that comes with it,,,,, it makes me want to sob and roll around while also simultaneously wanting to take your brain apart neuron by neuron and psychoanalyze you. not in the freudian way though. ive had the greatest honor of being able to interact with you on not just one, but two!!! servers!!! i think it's a little silly how much i smile when you reply to smth dumb ive said on disc. have a great new year :))

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @ryuryuryuyurboat . . . RYUUUUUU literally the most stunning person to walk the planet ever like. hello??? our first interactions came from that ebg funny enough. does a little ★🪽 anon ring a bell? i only ever got around to sending you one sabo during that time but i hope you did enjoy what i came up with on the spot, i never was very good when it came down to kaeya's character. you are so intelligent and such an amazing individual, please always remember that.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @snobwaffles / @2nobwaffles . . . SNOB SNOB SNOB i always think of the pokemon when your name comes up. in my head, you will always be snom, the bug-ice type pokemon <33 IT'S SO FUN TALKING TO YOU and we haven't been mutuals for long either. im always thinking of the advice you left me when it came down to my rant about an irls party and there's something about the way you're able to appreciate and take note and find beauty int he smallest of things that get brought up. i wish you the complete best that 2024 has to off you. keep calm and snob on :DD

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @itaerae & @mins-fins . . . im putting the two of you together because well, i met you both at the same time through the server. while i can't consider it and, ive never really had such an inviting time in a server, much less a network, as ive had in zumblr. really, it's you two that i owe thanks to. our silly little convos are so fun and im forever thankful that ive found people to talk to on a server for once.

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @https-furina . . . the best server mother fr!!! omg it's so nice talking to you :((( i love the warmth of your words and how your emotions shine through text. it feels like i can practically envision the fond eyeball or the warm smile that you may or may not have on your face when messaging. i’ve had such a great time in the network and your pet names fjfbdjdbjdb have a great 2024 heh :DD

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @lethwal & @astrinityy . . . i don't think you guys realize how fun it was when we were all "debating" and accusing me of being a furry. honestly, i haven't had to stifle laughter like that in the middle of the night as hard as i did for a small while. not too long but long enough. it was a breath of fresh air and it was genuinely amazing to just be able to put the present on the back burner and play around like that. even though it was kind of late for me when that was happening- ignore that. it's always late for me when im online atp. i hope we can get past those baseless accusations you have both placed on me tehe. have a happy new years, you two. ALSO YIXIN!! GA-MING PROTECTION SQUAD RISEEEEE

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @/zumblr . . . there's so many of you and i can't find the proper words to express the welcome i felt when added to the server. it was nerve wracking, ive never really gotten around to talking to that many people or being that open on the internet before. it's funny how one summer can bring you out of your shell a little, eh? and all bc of some guys on screen lmao. thank you for the support and im happy to have met such wonderful people. thank you, again. @urielphix I AM. DETERMINED TO READ ADAD JUST YOU WAIT

𖣂 ┈ ⟡ ˒ @ everyone else, all my mutuals as of now and past, who weren't mentioned or mutuals who want to read something again . . . hello!! im sorry to disappoint by not adding you properly and for not giving a personalized thanks; it wasn't anything against it you at all. reason 1) i probably forgot as um. goldfish brain or 2) we just became mutuals pretty recently and haven't had the chance to really talk much / have been sort of long term but haven't talked much.

either way though, thanks for sticking around! im not the most. literate person. sometimes LMAO and im far from being a proud person of skill when it comes to the right words to say to people but im always happy when people find something worth it in my silly words. i hope we get to interact more in the future, as long as you can put up with my inconsistent (to say the least) replies and brain boggling posts that come from the depths of the midnight zone, that is. get ready for the ride that is this. clusterfuck of a blog place. LMAO,,,, if you haven't already scrolled through my stuff. if you have then um ready for more??? fkdjhgkjlghf

if you've made it to the end, thank you. and why?? im not that interesting or cool as everyone makes me out to be. if you had told 2019 me on tumblr that 4 years later, id be posting my works for everyone to see and also be proud of my own poetry, i would have laughed and called you absolutely insane. some of you have sat through me going through different gender and pronoun crises on dash back in 2020, and some of you ive only met this month.

whatever our situation is, i wish all the best for everyone . i’ll support you guys until the end of the earth and then some. have the happiest of happy new years, may your futures always be brighter than you say they are, and i’ll see you later 💛

sincerely — sol / jun

[marumarielle]

https://www.tumblr.com/chaisshitposts/733934617202180096/in-other-news-ive-gotten-a-bit-of-a

(I'm the anon who talked about how there should be ethics when it comes to manifesting, Ill be calling myself the ‼️ anon now)

To the anon who thinks EIYPO is shitty, i agree with that sentiment and have found a way to believe the law without the whole victim blaming and solipsism issue. And this is for u if I believe in the law, I think the person who's post I linked has a good view on this matter.

TW: mentions of abuse, s.a., & unfavorable households

This cleared up everything for me so nicely! Tysm ‼️ anon! I've been feeling really conflicted about it ever since I learned about it so the post you've given me made me feel lighter in a way.

Expanding on this thought, yes, our environment as we grow up shapes our pattern of thinking, our belief system, our perspective in life, money, literally everything. This is why there are people who have these unfavorable thought patterns and are even being taught to tolerate such things (and I speak from experience).

"I do not like the argument that trauma and circumstances were unconsciously manifested by those who've experienced it. if anything, those circumstances were forcefully manifested by their environment that they grew up in." ----Chai

What I quoted from Chai is so well said because I was born in a quite aggressive and limiting household and I took those limiting beliefs as I grew up. Those beliefs forcefully manifested by my environment I ended up living by. So, it's truly not my fault because those beliefs were forced upon me by the environment I grew up in. And, It's not your fault either for having unfavorable experiences (e.g., abusers, s.a., etc...)

When I grew up and found out about Law of Assumption and this whole EIYPO thing I honestly felt so guilty (which is why I'm so unsure of it). "If they act bad to you, it's because you assumed so!" So I felt "It was me? I did that? I never wanted it though...?" I ended up experiencing this period of blaming myself for how people treated me and tolerating mistreatment. Hell, I was even so obsessed with how people viewed me I forgot about how I view myself.

If you ever experienced that period of blaming yourself before, just know that you're not alone and know that I was able to get out of it. I leaned more on the psychology side of this conflict, learning that my trauma isn't my fault but the assaulter's. It took time, of course, renewing and getting rid of such beliefs.

So now: what do I do with EIYPO? honestly? not much. I just assume that people treat me kindly which is the opposite of what I assumed when I was younger.

What's the takeaway?: Don't let others convince you that it was your fault because of EIYPO. It never was your fault. I highly recommend you reading the post ‼️ anon gave because I couldn't have said it better than Chai did. Also, all credits to Chai since this whole post is just me expanding on its post!

[starseungs]

aaaaa same sentiment in regards with incoming freshie then not sure sa pinasukan na course 🥲👍🏻 been there tho, but you'll do fine kasi after graduation, your course won't matter once you start looking for job, i mean it will be a great background tho pero adulting life is harder than you thought 😭 but anyway you still have a long way to decide pa so enjoy going to college it will be a fun experience for sure! also, don't worry about my binge reading my works, nandito lang sila yan HAHAHA gonna post rin something real soon since hinahabol ko talaga oras ko dito hsksksksks and i'm glad you're feeling better hahaha i actually saw you updated 2 days ago but i was busy so ngayon lang ako naka-dalaw, i was also hesitating to send you an ask baka nakalimutan mo na rin ako but anyway, i'm happy!! more interactions for us soon <33

ATE NO I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU HUHUHUHU core memory na nga sakin yung time you followed me back i freaked out so hard on twitter i made a whole thread about how i felt and ive held every single interaction to heart since then (to prove: i still remember when you made my ask/interaction tag emoji into your favorite flower emoji i was literally giggling the whole night and the day after cz im senti like that 🥹🥹)

we havent talked that much even a year back but i quite literally cant get myself to forget you or every other person thats left such an impact in my life even if they dont know it

TLDR; IM A KEISY FANGIRL (pls i hope this isnt uncomfy for you i just really idolize your work huhuhu tell me if it is tho)

[casualavocados]

alright, here comes the long ass super personal and sentimental post absolutely nobody asked for (you’re welcome)

i watched episode 1 of bad buddy the day it aired (1 year ago today!) out of sheer luck. i dont even remember how i discovered it, but my initial thought was: “im bored. it’s 11pm and i dont want to go to sleep. this trailer looked fun. oh it came out today? sure what the fuck.” and i watched it in bed, on my phone. completely fucking unaware of what was about to happen to me and my life - and this honestly amuses me so much when i think about it because let me tell you...

i am NOT one to watch romance for romance’s sake. i really couldnt care less for it tbh. i’m not what i’d call a shipper at all (though i used to be, and if you remember my blog back then i owe you financial compensation bc tbh that whole spectacle exhausted me ANYWAY-). 

romance is just something ive always preferred as a side dish to plot, bc i only tend to like it when it’s super well done, and ive never found any of it very realistic. this was actually pretty unfortunate for past me bc fun fact, i am a little bit of a hopeless romantic, and romcoms are my guilty pleasure. the problem is i also dont like any of them enough to care about them after ive satisfied my initial “i want to watch something cheesy and cute” urge. i’d seen a few other bl’s over the years but only bc i was bored or wanted to watch something gay, and none of them had ever stuck in my mind after i finished them. i actively avoided those fandom spaces so i definitely wasn’t keeping up with what was new. 

(now listen, i have very specific thoughts on bl itself, but im not gonna get into that here (and actually miscellar said yesterday that the bl difference between 2020 and 2022 is unrecognizable and that basically sums it up so i dont have to lmao <3)).

- and ep1 of bad buddy is pretty typical bl! i adore this about it tbh because i was completely unprepared for everything the show was about to pull. my initial reaction was that it was something fun to look forward to every week.

so then-

I dont!! i dont even know how to explain it! ive tried too many times!

but it really is That Bitch, and truly feels like something i’d been waiting my whole life to see. a romantic comedy that was incredibly realistic in the sense of being overwhelmingly human, and also overwhelmingly queer. it’s so effortlessly fucking funny, while simultaneously a very (very very very) layered and emotional story. i will sing its praises to the end of time. it is quite literally the most well crafted show i’ve ever seen, and every time i rewatch it, or go back and reread old meta, im reminded that im not insane believing that. it just literally is that good. it’s such a simple story done so. extremely. well. it’s so ordinary, and that makes it extraordinary, and that was the intention from the start.

but i also have to say, one of the best things about having this show, is getting to be apart of the amazing community i found here loving it alongside me. bc i avoid fandoms. i stick to the places and the people/mutuals i know. i drift through edit tags more than i follow individual blogs. i block people like lightning. i have always had anons and replies off and i enjoy my privacy!!!

and i have talked to more people and made more friends and have had more fun this past year than i ever have before on this site. 

it took me until after bb finished airing to start following people back, but by then i knew which blogs posted what and what i’d want to see more of on my dash - and there are still many many people im not following, or who arent following me, that i talk to! i love each of you so very much, and i want to do a couple special shoutouts, if thats okay. ♥️

SO, in no particular orderrrrrr:

@mrdumpling nuria you were the very first bl-centric blog to follow me, and as such gave me a little bit of a heart attack that day, because i knew you were a popular blog and i Was Not Ready For Attention lol. but im so glad you did! ik we don’t talk often, but i love lurking on your blog and following what you’re interested in, and most especially, sharing this show with you. to say your edits are beautiful is an understatement! i always love to see what you make!! 🧡

@actually-yikes SORA I MISS YOUUUUUU!!! 🌹 i love talking to you, i love bonding over warrior pran with you, i love the edits you make. i think you’re very funny and delightful. seriously. ...im kind of at a loss for words here bc you’re one of the blogs i went to the most while bb was airing, and the first person i followed after it ended. i really just think you’re wonderful, and idk how else to say it! ily!!!💕💕

@miscellar you have some of the best takes ive ever read, and you somehow seem to read my mind and write (in much better words than i ever could!) exactly what im feeling on so many different topics. i love reading your analysis, your criticism, and just in general whatever you have to say. you impress me very much tbh and im always a bit amazed whenever you talk to me. i love sharing meta with you! 💚

@pranparakul KATIIIEEE when you’re not on my dash i miss you. even if you’ve got posts in your queue ill be like 🥺 where’s katie? is she having a good day today? literally it doesnt matter what you post abt, bc your enthusiasm for whatever it is always makes me so happy. keep doing you <3♥️🌸💗💕💜🌸❣💗💜♥️💕

@snimeat GEI. okay we dont talk OFTEN but when we do we talk a LOT. your excitement is sooooooooooooo contagious and it always matches mine and i feel SO SEEN. i think your edits have such a mystical vibe to them...they always make me feel very wistful (in a very good way). luv u 💛

@pranpats Kit!!! your gifs are GORGEOUS. and you are one of the sweetest people on this site. you always say such lovely things in the tags, and i love occasionally coming to talk to you about gifmaking things. you are such a warm presence on my dash! ��

and of COURSE @grapejuicegay - kk i think we speedran our friendship in the last 6 weeks. idk how we never really talked before, now that i know we were BOTH lurking on each other’s blogs this whole year. i don’t even know what to say that i haven’t already said in our dms. i fucking love talking to you. there are some people you just click with and im so glad you’re one of them. 💙💌💗💖💜💙💕💛♥️🌹💌💖💙💕

there are so many more of you i want to mention here!! and if you read this far please know im probably also thinking of you, and i want you all to know that i have loved every minute watching and sharing this show with you.

im constantly blown away by everyone’s kindness and how welcoming all of you are. this is truly my favorite place to be online. thank you for all the tags on my gifs and meta. thank you for being so warm.

im so happy this little show means as much to all of you as it does to me. happy one year everybody. 🎆🥂💚❤

[mxpseudonym]

Just Good Business IV

Pairing: Tommy x Reader

Reader Gender Expression: She/Her pronouns, “wife”

Summary: After Tommy has to put down his horse, you want him to lean on you for once.

Length: 2080 words (allegedly)

Warnings: animal death, cursing, and as usual, underlying tones of forced/arranged marriage

A/N: It’s my bday so I decided to post this part today! I hope you like it, it’s been a journey. I’m going 

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part V

--

You weren't what your mother would call nurturing or sentimental. 

Not that you didn't know how to love or take care. You'd just rather live life as freely as you could and not be tied down by attachments to those who don't love you as much as you love them or worrying about keeping a house. Your mother said it wasn't becoming, and men would be turned away. You wished she would have warned you instead. That when there was the right person, one you'd do just about anything for, you can be the thing you never thought you could be, just for them. 

It had been the better part of a year, and you were still learning that marriage was simple in definition, but by no means easy. Tommy only made that more accurate. He was driven and focused at work, which made you better at your job as well. You were making a name for yourself as a partnership, and things were as thrilling as ever at home. Tommy talked to you and let you in little by little. It wasn't something you asked for, but it did make you do the same. Even after knowing each other for a mere year and a half, you knew each other reasonably well. Which was why you were pacing in your bedroom, arms wrapped around yourself to stop you from biting your nails. You had asked Tommy not to leave earlier,  but he wouldn't listen to you or anyone. 

"Tom, please," you pleaded, placing yourself between him and the door. 

"Y/n,"

"Just let them do it. Let the stable hand take care of it, okay?" You asked. You thought you had him for a moment, but his eyes lowered, and he stepped around you.

"She's my horse, y/n. My horse that got sick, my horse to see through 'til the end." 

It had been hours, longer than was necessary. But it was in Tommy's nature as Romani man to go deep into the land on your property when he was upset. He'd done it before. Johnny Dogs was the one who told you that there wasn't anything to worry about, even if Tommy spent the night out there. It didn't take a professional to know that Tommy could only bottle so much up before he erupted, though. You were on a secret mission to get him to come to you instead sometimes. 

The echo of the door slamming knocked you out of your head and nearly sent you running to the foyer. It only took a few moments for him to be at your bedroom door. 

Tommy came in with just his socks, the muddy boots in hand were placed by the door. He looked you over but said nothing as he went to the restroom, closing the door behind him. You sighed and hung your head. So it wouldn't be straightforward. It didn't take long for him to wash up. You were just finishing putting on your own pajamas when he finally sat on the edge of the bed.

"How did the meeting with the Commissioner go?" Tommy asked. You walked up to him, ignoring his means of changing the subject by silently wrapping your arms around him tightly.

"I'm sorry, Tom. I'm so sorry you had to do it," you told him in his ear. He tightened the hug and buried his face in your neck. "Whatever you need."

"I need," Tommy began, pulling out of the embrace after a few long moments, "I need to know how your meeting went." 

Your comforting eyes met his desperate ones. This was how he was, and there was how you had to take him. You made your way across the room to where your notebook sat on the side table. 

"Of course. It went well, and I took notes for you this time."

It was 3:30 in the morning when you were sharply woken up by Tommy's yell and shooting straight up in bed.

"Fuck," you swore and placed a hand over your thumping chest. You turned on your lamp to see Tommy wide-eyed and sweating. 

"It's fine," his voice was hoarse as he ran a hand through his hair. He put a shaking hand on your leg to stop your fretting. You stroked his cheek anyway. 

"It's not fine, love, and that's okay," you assured. "I'm going to run a bath." 

"No," he gasped, still coming down from his terrifying high. "It's late." 

"It'll be good, promise. Let's just try, alright?" 

The steam of the bath filled the room, and swirled around the curls of cigarette smoke. The French lullaby you sang bounced off the white tile walls, pausing only momentarily when you took your cigarette in your mouth. You continued, reaching your hand forward to place it between Tommy's lips. He took over smoothly like it was what he was meant to do, and stroked the legs you had wrapped around him in gratitude. Asking for a bathtub you could swim in really came in handy, you thought with Tommy's back pressed against your chest in hot water. When you finished the tune, your arms wrapped around Tommy's shoulders, and you buried your face in his neck. 

"What do you dream about?" You asked. There were nights when his mumbling or twisting and turning woke you, but it was all brushed away with "the war." This wasn't the first time you'd asked, but it was the first time you had an advantage. If stopping Tommy from driving out into the darkness meant pulling him into the bath and wrapping your limbs around him to keep him there, you'd happily oblige. 

"I hear the shovels coming for me. They're loud, and they keep me up at night. When I sleep, I'm digging. I hear the shovels, the men, I see the darkness. There's nothing, no end or beginning. I'm somewhere between being alive and dead, but I don't know if I'll wake up again," he said it like he said everything. Straight to the point and methodical. "Today with Thunder, putting an end to her like that, just put my mind in a bad way."

"Is it the same dream every time?" You asked. It was. Which was a shame. Tommy, one of the most capable people you knew, was to live out his life as a terrifying metaphor. 

"Always will be," he concluded. 

"Always and never, they're liars more often than not," you told him. "And you belong to me now, so if you can talk to yourself in those dark tunnels of your mind, remind yourself that if you open your eyes, you'll have someone waiting for you." 

"Gonna fight my demons for me, are you?" Tommy chuckled. You couldn't help but join.

"Of course, if I get the chance." You kissed his cheek, and Tommy sunk even deeper into your embrace. 

"I don't know why I can't shake it. Seeing horses die stays with me." 

"You don't know?" You peered down at him. "It's because you're one of them."

"How can you tell?" 

"You're gallant like a horse, even who you don't want the medals. You've shown me how strong you are without using your hands. You're as much fire as you are ice, which is beautiful, like a horse."

You slid your hand over Tommy's chest to rest over the tattoo there. Under your palm, his heart thumped away.

"Your heart beats like a horse, a wild stallion who's made himself race. But a stallion that only races himself doesn't know when or how to stop. He will run so hard and so fast for so long that his heart will burst if he isn't careful."

"I don't know how you can see things in me like you do, y/n. I just know you're making everything better." Tommy clasped your hand and pressed his lips against your wrist.

You kissed his shoulders and any part of him you could reach for the short remainder of the soak. You were more than willing to stay up with Tommy, but your body was so tired it made you sick. With Tommy's head on your chest, however, you slept fully to the next morning. Your eyes fluttered open as you registered the light stroking sensation on your cheek. 

"Good morning," Tommy greeted you. Your groggy voice delivered an identical, albeit near unintelligible reply. Part of you wanted to tell him to sleep more, but you could feel Tommy hesitate. You allowed your eyes to flutter open to reveal Tommy resting on his elbow next to you. He looked down at you, clearly lost in thought behind those blue eyes. 

"I love you."

You could feel your eyebrows crease. Was this a dream? The words hung in the air, impending and waiting for you to reply with something just as sweet.

"What?" You asked, no room for elegance. 

"Fuck 'good business.' I don't care about any of that. I love you."

"Oh," you eventually stammered. "Why would you say that?" 

You tried to find the words, but in your sleepy haze, you chose the first words that came to mind. Tommy leaned forward, disappointment evident in his eyes, and kissed your forehead. 

"It's alright. I just want you to know," Tommy said, then climbed out of bed. You heard him head out of the door, which shook you awake enough to get up. 

"Thomas Shelby!" You yelled from the top of the stairs, just as he'd reached the foyer. He turned in his dressing gown and raised an eyebrow at you, only in your pajamas. "What the hell? Thomas, I," 

"It's alright, y/n. You don't have to say anything." 

"Would you stop? You know I hate it when you interrupt me," you scolded him. Tommy mumbled an apology then waited for you to continue.

"Listen, you surprised me. I just woke up for christ's sake. I didn't ask why you said it because I don't feel the same. I just wonder if you'd say that if we weren't married." 

"What do you mean?" He asked with his own brow creasing. 

"I don't cook or clean. I'm not sweet or easy to swallow. Believe me, I do enjoy myself quite a bit. But sometimes I wonder, if you hadn't been made to marry me, would you have found on your own that," you sighed, "I'm not someone you'd want to be with." 

You looked to your bare feet and took a breath. Being this emotional so early in the morning was not your speed. After a moment, you heard a soft chuckle growing in volume to become a full laugh. Tommy stood in the foyer, shoulders shaking and cheeks flushing. He made his way up to you on the landing and pressed the back of his hand against your cheeks then forehead. 

"Are you ill, Mrs?" Tommy asked, making you roll your eyes. 

"Tom, please." 

"You're talking nonsense, y/n. Polly told me to find a wife, but I'm the one who suggested it be you, alright? Your reputation proceeds you, love. Stepping into negotiations for your brother and conducting impressive business. That night we met only confirmed it. Every day since that dinner, you have kept me on my toes, and I love it. I love you."

You felt your cheeks warm, and you let out a laugh. 

"I fucking knew you liked me."

"Unbelievable." Tommy rolled his eyes, but let you throw your arms around his neck and plant a proper kiss on his lips.

"I love you too, how's that?"

"If you're just saying that to appease me, you don't have to." 

"When is it that I go around saying things I don't mean?" You asked firmly then kissed him again. 

"Good, then I have something to ask." Tommy lowered himself on one knee, anchoring himself by holding your waist. "Will you, with no deals or debts on the table, marry me and be my wife?" 

It occurred to you that you hadn't gotten a marriage proposal at all, especially not one from the heart. Who said Tommy couldn't be romantic? "I don't know how my husband is going to feel about that. I've heard he's quite in love with me," you said, hands running through his hair. Tommy smirked but nodded in approval. "Yes, I will marry you. But only if you'll marry me too."

"I'll have to ask my wife," Tommy said, standing and wrapping you in his arms. You reached up and kissed him once more. 

"She approves." 

..

Tommy Tag List: @soleil-dor;  @amysteryspot​

JGB Series Tag List: @biba3434 ; l0tsofpennies

[tigerdrop]

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

[unseeliekey]

Shuichi and Kokichi getting married 💜💙 What do you think that would be like?

IM SORRY IVE BEEN SITTING ON THIS ASK FOR SO LONG I JUST. I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ON IT AND I WANTED TO DO IT JUSTICE. REST UNDER READMORE BECAUSE THIS GETS LONG.

I think! it depends a lot on the universe. i am going to ignore japan’s current stance on gay marriage for this. Post game/VR AU... I’m not sure if they would get married, but if they did, they’d go out of their way to avoid any kind of PR (maybe having learned from kaimaki’s mistakes.) It would either be very, very minimal, or... the whole class is invited (probably minus Shirogane) and it’s very big despite there being twelve guests in attendance- Angie magistrates, obviously! It’s a big affair- a little bittersweet at times, because how can it not be, and Kokichi jokes about his own death and Shuichi shoves cake in his face, and they both have people missing, but their friends are loud enough to make up for it.

It’s similar in a nondespair AU, I think, but... I like parties and I’m going to chat about them having a party! The whole class is invited (plus Shirogane this time) and so are Shuichi’s uncle, and DICE, and NO ONE ELSE. They’ve got some other friends- Shuichi through work, Kokichi through... Kokichi stuff, but not really wedding friends. I think both of them are actually quite private about it- Shuichi is shy, and the attention flusters him, and as much as Kokichi loves drama, he also. Does not like showing vulnerability and it probably gives him HIVES even thinking about it. Writing his vows takes months, (which is fine, because planning also takes months, and Shuichi has his vows down a week after they’re engaged but he spends the entire time overthinking them and ends up stammering when he actually reads them.) DICE end up having to drag Kokichi by his teeth to get out some genuine sentiments- but his still ends up filled with in-jokes and puns and on paper it’s very playful and teasing and fun, a nice contrast to Shuichi’s almost painfully earnest words.

and shuichi goes “oh. yeah. that’s fair actually.” and he ends up emailing their work emails that they never check so technically he told them. but they don’t rsvp and they don’t show up and he only thinks about them a few times.

Anyway! I don’t think the event is traditional at all. Planning is a disaster because Kokichi wants big and Shuichi wants Kokichi to have anything that makes him laugh, and Kokichi secretly wants little secret meanings everywhere. (Chess pieces on the cake, little fake detective pinboards, not-so-subtle floral language, objects that don’t mean anything to anyone but them.) Shuichi panics for a while about his friends, and his parents, and he overthinks it for a long time because he’s not sure if he wants to try and keep the event a little classier for them, or just say fuck it, because who knows if they’re even going to goddamn show up, right?

And Kokichi, who has already invited his nine people, just goes “okay, don’t invite them, then?”

And Shuichi flounders for a while because they’re his parents and it’s his wedding, and then he asks if Kokichi will be insulted if they don’t show up, to which Kokichi informs him that if they do, there’s a minor chance of a fist fight. 

Shuichi goes “you’ll fight my parents on our wedding day????”

And Kokichi goes “no, momota-chan will.”

Because his uncle is there! And Kaito is there (crying the whole way through) and Kaede! and Maki! and Himiko! and Kokichi.

I think in a post game, they walk up the aisle together, because tradition is stupid and they want to be close and they were making out two minutes before the band began to play. but in a universe where Kokichi has DICE with him? Shuichi can wait at the altar (which he is okay with, because, again, anxious) and Kokichi can walk up like the smuggest bastard you’ve ever seen. He does NOT have a veil. What he does have is the most ridiculous fucking cape you’ve ever seen. It’s white, and velvet, and furred, and bedazzled with ballet jewelery, and it takes all nine members of DICE to keep it from dragging all over the chairs around the aisle. It’s so stupid. He trips half way up. Shuichi, who is already dying of nerves, laughs so hard he almost falls over. 

A lot of things go wrong, I think. There’s only 26 people there and a photographer, and neither of them wanted to do rehearsals or anything, so the whole thing is being winged. Something gets set on fire at some point. They accidentally break open a bottle of vintage honeymoon wine from Rantaro instead of the champagne they were meant to be drinking. Kokichi’s white cape ends up stained, which he should have expected considering how stupid and big it is. Miu, weeping, calls them both whores in her speech- OH

 everyone gives a speech. Shuichi’s uncle doesn’t know many of these people that well (especially not the nine weirdos in evening gowns who no one had met prior to Kokichi disappearing to get ready), but every single one of them has something wonderful to say about his nephew. Some of the stories are ribald, or wild, or a little bit unbelievable- but every single person gets up to congratulate them, and most of them cry.

Anyway! after the speeches they all eat. and drink. there’s cake, but there’s also ice cream and pastries and a bowl of skittles that gets increasingly stick as it’s passed around, and people keep talking and keep laughing. Kokichi explicitly told DICE not to flirt with anyone, so naturally they do, with everyone, including Shuichi’s uncle, who is bemused at best. Shuichi has to run to set out a small fire at some point. 

A LIST OF GUESTS WHO CRY:

-Shuichi, choking up as soon as Kokichi reaches him and takes his hands, and then continuing to sniff for the rest of the evening and weep through all the speeches,

-Kiibo, all the way through the vows and uncontrollably,

-Kaito, pretending he isn’t, taking handkerchief after handkerchief from Kaede,

-Kaede, but politely, and she smiles the entire time

-all of DICE, at different points, but they all come up with increasingly stupid excuses for it,

-Korekiyo, who has to excuse himself after the ceremony- when Shuichi hunts him down, he expresses his apology for leaving and says he’s just too happy for them,

-Rantaro, a little, the second Kokichi looks up and wiggles his fingers to show off his ring,

-Miu, the entire way through her speech. Kokichi calls her a crybaby bitch halfway through when it looks like she might be about to break down completely, and that gives her enough strength to get through it,

-Tenko, but she won’t admit it,

-Himiko, openly, only a little bit because she wasn’t allowed to be the flower girl,

-Gonta. a lot. he is one of the happiest people there and he won’t stop crying. he’s embarrassed about it but he’s too happy to stop and he probably makes Kiibo start crying AGAIN at some point,

-Maki, oddly enough, but only when Kokichi and Shuichi move to go and dance. She tries to hide it and snaps at Kaito when he teases her, but when Kaede asks if she’s okay, because they all know she’s not the biggest fan of either Kokichi or the union, she quietly admits she’s crying about seeing Shuichi so happy.

and humiliatingly;

-Kokichi. a lot. through most of it. He gets halfway through his vows and he starts sobbing. Shuichi has to hold his hands to get him through it. He cries when DICE give their blessing and he cries when Shuichi’s uncle gruffly says he’s “a fine young man, though he doesn’t approve of his methods,” and he cries when he calls Miu a crybaby bitch and when Gonta hugs him and when Kiibo sobs into his shoulder and when Kaito musses up his hair and tells him to take care of Shuichi, and he cries through the kiss even though he’s smiling at the same time.

It’s hugely embarrassing to him and years later he refuses to admit to it ever happening despite the photographic evidence otherwise. Shuichi thinks it’s sweet- he’s proud that he managed to be that vulnerable around that many people. Kokichi has called him a slur after he expressed that sentiment.

There’s a last dance, though, after everyone has been dragged to various hotel rooms or passed out drunk, and they should clean up but instead they change the music to something slow- a waltz, maybe, with Shuichi adjusting the stupid cape and Kokichi reaching up to gently fix Shuichi’s tie (which has gotten a little rumpled by this point.) And they dance, with the lights a little lower and helium balloons sagging to the floor, and they dance. And maybe they repeat their vows- not the same words, but the same sentiments. Or maybe they don’t say anything at all.

There’s no first dance as such- music is played, and there’s wine, but Kaede is the first one to start dancing, dragging her date with her and tearing it up. Shuichi’s had a little too much attention, really, and he’s happy to sit back and chat a little more casually and hold Kokichi far too closely as they watch the others slowly migrate to the dancefloor. But after a while- when mostly everyone is dancing and his heart has stopped pounding quite so painfully, and he’s had just enough champagne to feel brave and Kokichi is looking so happy under the lights, he takes his hand and drags him over to the band and requests something- (i’m thinking the lovecats by the cure, both bc goth saihara rights and because it works very well for saiouma i think.) -and then he takes Kokichi’s hands again and they go dancing.

(and obviously everyone is staring at them now, because it’s their wedding, and with that cape how can you not- but Shuichi is too distracted to notice, or maybe too happy to feel self-conscious, and Kokichi is whispering something in his ear that makes him laugh and it’s kind of hard for everyone to look away from them, you know?)

Either way, when they get to their room they probably boink for a bit and then pass out only to be woken up late for their honeymoon two hours later by Rantaro, who knew this would happen and did warn them, and who receives a very nice postcard from France a few days later informing him that they made the flight. 

[xadoheandterra]

Series: Semblance Title: Patriciate Fandom: Jak and Daxter Chapters: I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII | IX | X | XI | XII | XIII | XIV | XV | XVI Characters: Jak, Daxter, Samos, Keira, Kid!Jak, Ashelin, Torn, Tess Tags: Worldbuilding, Accidentally King of Haven!Jak, hurt/comfort, things go wrong, things get better, things get worse again, slow build, slow burn, slow to update, cross posted, fantasy racism, canon divergence, been meaning to share this here Summary: “It’s yours,” Jak said softly. “Keep it…remember where you come from. At least one of us should remember….”

If Jak knew the consequences of that one, selfish choice…well, he’d probably have made the same decision either way.

​This entire mess is Ashelin's fault, and everyone else is just along for the ride.

“This is a bad idea!” 

Jak paced relentlessly around the room, fingers dug into his hair making the mess that Jak called a style even worse. He pulled a few strands loose, lips pressed thin and dark eco boiling under his skin. Thankfully he’d yet to start sparking, but to Jak just the burn of the eco alone fueled his panic.

“Jak, it’s the only shot we’ve got,” Ashelin said. She sat cross legged on the couch, elbows on her knees.

Jak shook his head sharply, turned on heel, and growled out, “I didn’t think you’d mean something like this!”

From the wall, Torn sighed. He shot a glance to Ashelin, and then to the agitated teenager and shook his head. This conversation wasn’t going as well as the first, and Torn only figured it’d get worse the more Ashelin pressed. Sometimes she didn’t know when to leave well enough alone—Torn couldn’t fault her for it, really, not when she’d grown up with Baron Praxis as a father.

“Ashe,” Torn chimed in as Jak made another turn, growled, pulled out a bit more hair, and sparked with dark eco. Yeah, this was getting worse. “I think you should go.”

“Torn there is still too much we need to talk about, that Jak needs to know,” Ashelin cut in and Torn sighed. She wouldn’t leave unless she got her way, he could see that. He shot another glance to Jak and pushed off from the wall.

Ashelin, you’ll just have to settle for not getting your way for once, Torn though with a sigh, and then grumbled incoherently as he stalked over to her and pulled her up by the arm.

“Torn! What are you doing!?” Ashelin demanded. She tried to pull herself free, but Torn held her fast. His grip bordered on bruising, but for once Torn decided not to be gentle. If Ashelin lashed out at him, so be it. They could grapple it out right there, but if there was anything Torn knew it was that right now Ashelin needed to be out of the room.

“Escorting you out of the room before the shit hits the fan,” Torn said lowly and dragged Ashelin towards the door. She put up a struggle, but not much of one. Torn found himself thankful for that. He didn’t want to find out who would come out on top in a fight. “Let me handle this, Ashe.”

“But—”

“No,” Torn snapped, opened the door, and unceremoniously shoved her out. “I’ll call you when he’s calmed down.” The door slipped shut in Ashelin’s face. Torn waited for a moment; held his breath. Would Ashelin push it? Nothing happened at first, just silence on the other side of the door. Then suddenly Ashelin slammed her fist into the metal; it rang loud enough that Jak jerked with a snarl on his lips, eco sparking around him almost like a cloud.

“I’ll get preparations ready,” Ashelin said sharply. “And next time don’t touch me like that, Commander.”

Torn snorted. “Yes, ma’am.” He waited a moment longer, and then relaxed when he heard Ashelin finally leave. Exhaustedly Torn ran his hand down his face and tried to muster his courage to face Jak. Honestly this entire thing was such a mess, and if it weren’t the fact that the necks of his men were on the line he wouldn’t have even agreed to go along with the crazy plan Ashelin and Samos cooked up.

“Sit down, Jak,” Torn said as he turned around, but Jak didn’t listen. He paced and pulled at his hair in equal measure and Torn wanted to wince at the mess that spiraled out of Jak’s scalp. They had a lot of work ahead of them, and Torn knew it’d be like pulling teeth the entire way.

“This is insane, Torn. You know that!” Jak snarled, and twisted. His eyes were tinged black when he shot a look at Torn.

Torn shook his head. He made a step towards Jak, slow so as not to spook the teenager. “Look, it’s just a suggestion. You don’t have to go through with it if you don’t want to. We can find another way. You still have a choice in this, Jak.” Lying to calm down a berserker, not the brightest of ideas you’ve had there, Torn grimaced.

Jak’s eyes narrowed, and like Torn he could tell the lie when he heard it. Torn kept his face impassive despite the fact that even saying the words made him want to punch himself in the face. There wasn’t another option, and Jak knew it. Torn knew it. The only reason why they were going through this mess was because there wasn’t another option.

After a moment of a stare down between the two, Jak snorted and turned away. He uncoiled a bit, muttered petulantly, “That’s a nice sentiment.”

Torn barked a laugh. “Yeah.”

With that, all of the fight just seemed to leave Jak. He flopped onto the couch, leaned forward until his head was between his legs. Torn never saw the kid before look so defeated. It didn’t sit well with him at all. He forced a calming breath out and took a step, and then another, until he knelt down in front of Jak and poked the kid’s forehead until he looked up.

“I don’t like this as much as you,” Torn said carefully.

“Thanks,” Jak grumbled.

“I don’t like that you’re not really getting a choice,” Torn amended. “It’s…Mar, Jak, this is a shitty situation. If there were any other way….”

“But there isn’t,” Jak sighed. “We’re just…gonna leave it up to fucking luck.”

Torn shook his head. “The Shadow is certain you’re the heir to the House of Mar.”

“I was just some kid he took in off the street,” Jak said back sharply. “I could have found that little trinket you all took as a sign of my supposed heritage.”

“You could have,” Torn agreed, “except that the Shadow said Mar’s Tomb recognized you as the heir.” He watched Jak grimace, and then winced himself. Shit, he shouldn’t have brought up the tomb. Bringing up the tomb brought up the mess afterward and that can of kangarats shouldn’t be touched. Torn shook his head, turned, and sat down with his back against the couch tiredly. “I’m not saying it’s not a shitty damn plan. As far as ideas go this is the worst one I’ve heard yet, but Ashelin’s sure of it, the Shadow’s sure of it…and hell, if it works….”

Jak groaned and dropped his head between his knees again. “I don’t want to think about that.”

“You’d better start thinking about it,” Torn sighed. “Or we’re all fucked.” He paused, then added with exhausted humor, “Hell we were already fucked from the start, planning on placing a goddamn kid on the throne….”

“Was that plan before, or after you were going to send a four year old through the ‘trials of manhood’ that included traps that can kill a person?” Jak quarried dryly. He raised his head to look over at Torn.

Torn shrugged, “Hey, that wasn’t my idea.” He glanced to Jak. “For the record I was against that one.”

“Good to know you have some morals,” Jak rolled his eyes. Torn snorted.

“Yeah, well, the KG fucks with everyone no matter how long you’re in for,” Torn said with bitter humor. He rubbed a hand along his neck and shook his head with a sigh. Next to him Jack massaged his temples.

“How long do I have, Torn?” Jak asked.

“I don’t know. A few hours, maybe?” Torn grimaced. Ashelin wanted to push this whole thing through as fast as possible. They’d only first brought the subject up barely the night before last and since then it’d been a whirlwind of preparations. Jak, thankfully, had been rather amenable in the beginning—at least until he got the full details out of the young Baroness. Then the childish petulance settled in and Torn found himself actually missing Jak’s little rat.

If it weren’t for Jak’s insistence that Daxter spend as much time with Tess—Torn didn’t even want to contemplate whatever Tess was doing with the rat, it made his teeth ache—then Torn was certain he’d be right here. In fact he’d probably be a complete nuisance, but then maybe Jak wouldn’t have been ready to eviscerate Ashelin minutes ago. Or he could have egged Jak on, Torn wasn’t sure which it would be.

Jak groaned and leaned back. “Dax is gonna hate me.”

Torn looked over at the kid in surprise. “What? You mean you haven’t told him?” He thought they shared everything with each other. Hell if he didn’t know better he’d have thought they were something more than whatever it was they were to each other.

“Haven’t really had the chance,” Jak mumbled. “He’s probably worried sick.”

“Shit.”

Torn could feel a migraine coming on. He didn’t look forward to the eventual, ensuing explosion that would happen when Daxter would find out. Mar, this was turning into quite the mess.

“You’re going to give me grey hairs before I’m fucking thirty,” Torn grumbled.

“I thought you were thirty,” Jak quipped back and Torn groaned. At least they were past the petulant stage now, if anything, which meant they could probably get the preparations on the road.

“Knowing Ashelin she’s making sure the council chambers are ready,” Torn groaned and heaved himself up. “She’s already gotten the tailor’s things and they’re in the closet.” Torn gestured haphazardly to the closet. “Which just leaves one thing for us to really work on.”

“I hate those clothes,” Jak grumbled. “Why can’t I just go as I am?”

“Because you look like something dragged out of the sewer,” Torn pointed out.

“I was dragged out of the sewer,” Jak countered with a scowl. It wasn’t a lie, he’d been down hunting metal heads and barricading holes in the sewer system for a few hours earlier.

Torn shrugged. “Up soldier. You need a bath, then you need to get dressed,” and here Torn grimaced, “and apparently I’m now in charge of your hair. For Mar’s sake do you ever brush that mess?”

Jak was quiet for a moment, and then he glanced over to Torn with a sort of sheepish smile. “Dax uh usually does that.”

Torn stared at Jak dumbfounded for a moment, before he sighed irritably. “You, kid, are a pain in my ass.” He scrubbed his face. “Shower. Now.”

“Alright, alright,” Jak grumbled. “I’m going.”

Torn breathed in through his nose as Jak’s fingers, sharpened into fine points but thankfully not into the length of claws they could become, dug into the soft tissue of his upper thighs. He kept his hands on Jak’s hair, tugged and parted stands, and as carefully as he could worked in a de-tangle-r to get better purchase. Throughout the entire endeavor so far Torn had kept up a steady commentary even as his voice grew hoarser and his breathing harder.

“You should seriously think about cutting this all off,” Torn grumbled. He kept his face, his chest—every part of him except his hands and his thighs which let Jak know just how far away Torn was, as far away from Jak as possible. The still slightly bleeding slice across his abdomen had been warning enough the first time he’d gotten to close.

Jak grit his teeth and squeezed Torns thighs with a hissed, “No,” that sounded more guttural and animalistic.

Torn shook his head. “Honestly Jak this is just ridiculous.” Torn wasn’t quite wheezing yet, but he found it to be a near thing.

“Then stop messing with it,” Jak snapped back. His head twitched, which pulled Torn’s hand, which pulled Jak’s hair, which lead to Jak letting out a sharp howl of surprise. Pitch black eyes turned back accusingly at Torn, who jerked his hands free.

“If you’d quit moving this would be over faster!” Torn snapped, hands up to show Jak he didn’t mean harm. “And if you keep firing off that Mar forsaken eco you’re going to ruin your clothes!” For a moment he couldn’t catch his breath, and Jak shot him a concerned look as his voice petered out into a hoarse whisper and a wheeze, but Torn stood firm. He was fine.

Jak huffed; the black didn’t leave his eyes and Mar was it weird to see concern within the black of what everyone called a monster. Jak’s nails didn’t return to normal either, and his skin remained eerily pale. Still Torn found himself capable of once more working on Jak’s hair with a grumbled, raspy sigh even as the teenager shifted—this time thankfully just his body—uncomfortably.

“It sits wrong,” Jak growled. Torn could easily imagine him with a pout, eyes glued down at his clothes.

“Welcome to Haven nobility,” Torn said back sarcastically, voice just a tad stronger, “where everything is impractical.”

Jak whined and his fingers let up from Torn’s thighs. Torn sighed in relief, carefully portioned off another piece of hair, and began the torturous braiding and wrapping process that he’d worked so diligently on since Jak came out of the shower, dressed.

“I feel overbalanced,” Jak whined, and tugged at the channeling ring that previously sat over his chest. Now it settled square in the middle of his waist and took up a good chunk from his hips to his ribs in thick leather.

“Stop that,” Torn swatted Jak’s hands away from his waist absentmindedly. He sucked in a breath and it made a sort of whistle. Shit, Torn winced, but continued as if nothing sounded wrong. “You’ll tear the leather.”

“This is stupid,” Jak said back, and shot him another glance out of the corner of his eye.

“Yeah well if you’d just sit still,” Torn growled in response.

At least Jak didn’t feel like he’d go off on a hair trigger anymore. When they first started Torn honestly feared for his life with how tense the teenager grew with each movement. He didn’t want to think of the reason behind Jak’s automatic, practically instinctual response to being touched in what should have been a fairly platonic manner.

“I’m going to fall on my face if I get up,” Jak complained.

“You didn’t fall on your face once from the bathroom to here, Jak,” Torn grumbled. “You’ll be fine.” He tried to catch his breath, and thankfully it didn’t hurt when he finally did.

Torn portioned off another section of hair and went to work. His fingers moved with long practiced ease through Jak’s locks, and a part of him felt greatly pleased that Jak’s hair was quite clearly designed for the twists and braids. If he’d had hair like Erol’s there would have been more of a problem than a few new scars from clawed fingernails.

“Can’t we just call this thing off?”

“It’s too late for that,” Torn sighed.

Both boys jerked towards the door as it slid open. Ashelin stepped into the room and she looked hurried.

“Torn I—” she lifted her head and then froze, before she sharply shook it once. “We have a problem.”

Jak tensed back up and Torn sighed. Great. Couldn’t anything go just right today?

“Ashe now is not a good time,” Torn growled.

Ashelin placed her hands on her hips and scowled right back at him. “Well I wouldn’t have come in here if you had picked up your communicator soldier.”

Torn pressed his lips thin and focused on Jak’s hair and tried to ignore how stiff Jak was in front of him.

“Get on with it, Ashe,” Torn grumbled, silently noted how Jak’s ears pressed back, and carefully dragged his nails along the section of hair he’d already finished. Jak surprisingly relaxed minutely at the touch.

Ashelin shifted from hip to hip and looked towards the window, her lips pressed thin. She didn’t speak and Torn focused entirely on Jak’s hair which for now seemed to keep Jak for the most part still. He didn’t want a repeat of earlier, especially not when the kid sat between his legs and had already injured him as it was.

“It’s missing,” Ashelin said eventually, her voice practically a whisper.

Torn froze, and then with an extremely hoarse wheeze he said, “What?”

In front of him Jak twisted. He pulled his hair out of Torn’s grasp, reached down for the small respirator that sat attached to his shirt and lifted it up over Torn’s face. Torn shot him a momentary glare—Tess had to have told him to do that, damn her. He could take care of himself! Granted breathing did feel easier with the respirator over his face, but having one of his men—and Jak would be one of his men Mar dammit—take care of him always felt a bit awkward in some respects. Still with a huff Torn took the respirator back and focused onto Ashelin. Jak’s hair was almost done anyway and it’d be better to get this potential mess dealt with first.

We’re going to die. Torn grimaced.

“Ashe, what are you talking about?” the commander questioned.

Ashelin licked her lips. “The seal. The one they use for—it’s gone, Torn. My father must have—I can’t believe I didn’t think of it—” the proud Praxis heiress seemed to deflate almost instantly and Torn wanted to quit everything. Life, the guard, this entire mess.

I need a vacation.

“What do you mean it’s missing, Ashe?” Torn said instead, the words ground together like glass in his throat.

Jak glanced between them. “What’s missing?”

“The artifact that’s used to prove heirs to the House of Mar,” Ashelin explained. “Historically it’s been nothing more than a display really. The line of succession has never really been in question before now. At least not that I know of.” Ashelin turned to Torn. “It’s missing.”

“Praxis had something to do with this?” Jak questioned.

“We don’t know that,” Torn interrupted.

“But it’s something just like my father to do,” Ashelin grimly said.

Torn rolled his head back. He wanted to curse ‘children’ even as he tugged away the respirator, it’s job done for the time being.

“There has to be something else, Ashe,” Torn said. “Anything.”

Ashelin trembled. Dammit Torn wanted to drag her over to the bed and wrap her in his arms, she was Mar damned trembling. Ashelin didn’t tremble. Torn dragged his hand down his face and waited, ears primed to hear what she would say.

“It was the only option we had left,” Ashelin’s words were a whisper. Torn spat out a curse so sudden that Jak jolted and tumbled off the bed. Ashelin, over by the door, snorted faintly at the site. Jak merely lifted up one of his middle fingers in response as he pushed himself up with a huff.

“I told you I’d overbalance,” Jak said to Torn.

“Why was it the only option?” Torn questioned. “Aren’t there other artifacts from Mar’s era laying around the city somewhere?”

Jak huffed from the ground, rolled his eyes, and pulled himself up to his knees as Torn and Ashelin talked. Torn wanted to tell the kid to shut up for a moment, that this was serious, but he held himself back. Jak had finally relaxed enough that his eyes were back to normal and even though he looked a little silly, clothes rumpled and hair half done, this conversation was just as important as Jak’s wellbeing.

“Any other artifacts have been missing since before I was either born, or,” Ashelin shrugged. “The only other two I can think of are the Heart of Mar or the Ruby Key, but both disappeared when I was a child.”

Jak, now on his feet, rubbed nervously at the back of his head. “Uh, I know where the Ruby Key is.”

In unison Torn and Ashelin turned, voices practically echoing, “You do?!”

Jak coughed. “Yeah uh…let me call Dax.”

“The rat has it?” Torn wanted to scream.

“No, Tess has it locked up,” Jak snapped back. “Which was Daxter’s idea.”

“How did you get it?” Ashelin demanded. “Where was it? When did you—”

Torn slipped off the bed, around Jak—he slipped his comm into Jak’s hands as he did so—and more gently than earlier grabbed Ashelin and pulled her out of the room.

“Question him on it later,” Torn said under his breath. “The kid’s under a lot of pressure as it is.”

“He’s under a lot of pressure?” Ashelin hissed. “I’m the one trying to make sure you all live!”

Torn sighed. “Ashe. Not now,” he said sharply. “Just…stall. I will call you.”

Ashelin stared up at him, huffed, and stormed from the room. Torn closed his eyes and knew that would just bite him in the ass later.

Daxter lounged on the bar, behind the lip where Tess mixed drinks for the Naughty Ottsel’s patronage. Ever since Jak waltzed in, told Daxter to spend the day with Tess and that he’d handle anything Torn threw at them himself, and then waltzed back out the ottsel moped. Occasionally he’d grab a bottle and drink from it until there wasn’t anything left, but for the most part he just stared at the acohol in melancholy 

“Jak jus’ don’ do this, Tessy,” Daxter moaned again. His eyes remained firmly on the head of Kor that nestled above the mirror.

“I know shnookims,” Tess cooed back, “but maybe he just wants you to get your hero’s reward after all the work you’ve done?”

“Yeah…ya th’ bes’ babe,” Daxter mumbled and rolled over. He grabbed a bottle and pulled out the cork and took a swig.

“Anything for my darling,” Tess said back and scratched behind Daxter’s ears in just the right spot to make him feel better.

They lapsed back into silence with Tess serving drinks and Daxter focused on the bottle between his hands—paws? He still wasn’t used to the whole ottsel thing even if it’d been almost three years now. Oh he certainly found himself better with the transformation now, more comfortable in his skin than he’d been when it first happened, but that didn’t mean Daxter didn’t miss being tall and elfin, or even the buck teeth. Precursors did Daxter miss having his buck teeth. He never expected to miss that part of himself at all.

“It’s jus’,” Daxter began again after Tess shoed a patron over to one of the booths. “It’s jus’ Jak’s not been ‘round since th’ party, y’know? An’, an’ that s’not like ‘im.”

“Maybe Jak’s taking a break, too,” Tess pointed out cheerfully. “It has to be busy work being your sidekick, right?”

“Yeah! Definitely!” Daxter replied. He almost knocked the bottle over, but stopped himself before he could. It’d be a waste of perfectly good alcohol. Tess scratched behind his ears again, and once more they lapsed into silence between them.

Daxter liked that he and Tess could just coexist like this when it came down to the wire. They flirted, they enjoyed each other’s company, and then they could just be with one another. It felt like a slice of home that Daxter sorely missed—now if only he could get rid of the ottsel shape then everything would be absolutely perfect!

Behind the counter Tess’ Underground communicator began to go off. She said to Daxter distractedly, “Can you get that whiskerpuss?”

“Sure Tessy-baby!” Daxter nodded once, set the bottle down, and hopped off the counter. He furrowed his way underneath the bar and found the small device. He scowled when he saw the idea. “Ugh, what does the Tattooed Wonder want now?” Daxter grumbled but quickly smashed the button to answer the call. “Whaddya wa—”

“Oh thank the precursors, Dax!” Jak’s voice came through loud and clear, and Daxter paused.

“JAAAAAAAAK!” Daxter yelled and suddenly had the communicator in a death grip. Any vestiges of alcohol induced haze left him immediately. “Where the hell have you been?” Daxter quickly launched into a full tirade, berating Jak for leaving him behind while alternatively demanding to know if he was okay and just where the hell had he gotten his skinny ass to.

On the line Jak sighed. He let Daxter go off for a little bit before he started to interject. Jak’s voice steadily raised higher and higher, repeating a mantra of “Dax,” with the hope of getting the ottsel to shut up.

“DAX!” Jak snapped in the end.

“WHAT?!” Daxter yelled back.

“TAKE IT OUT BACK BOYS!” Tess followed the raised voices and quickly shoed Daxter out from the front room of the bar. Daxter put on a show of beleaguered acceptance until the door swung shut behind him, both Jak and himself silent after Tess’ reprimand.

There was a moment as the door slipped shut and the hum of the Naughty Ottsel faded before Jak mumbled, “Tess is scary.”

“Damn straight!” Daxter cheered. “That’s my girl!” Jak laughed faintly on the other end. “Now what did you want from the great Orange Lightning,” Daxter drawled out. His voice hit the familiar, low raised pitch that reminded both teens of better days.

“Let’s go back and see the geologist,” Daxter drawled out in Jak’s ear, and Jaked huffed a laugh back.

“I need you to get the key and bring it up to the Palace, Dax,” Jak said. Daxter jerked out of fond memories with a blink of surprise. He stared for a moment at the communicator, as if it had betrayed him, certain he’d heard wrong. “Dax? Hello?”

Daxter squeaked, “The Palace?!”

“Yeah that’s what I—”

“What the HELL are you doing at the fricken Palace Jak!?” Daxter shrieked.

“Look I’ll explain later,” Jak said quickly. “Just…can you get the key and bring it here? Please? Ashelin will meet you at the entrance.”

“Nuh uh, not until you explain your ass here buddy!” Daxter shook his head rapidly. “I’m not doing a thing until I get my answers!”

Jak huffed, and then growled a short, “Dax. Please.”

For a moment Daxter didn’t say anything, and then he sighed. “Fine, but I’m not givin’ the key to Ashelin! She’ll jus’ hafta escort me up to you where ya can explain away.”

“Dax…” Jak didn’t quite whine, but it was a damn near thing. Daxter quirked a smile. Oh yeah, he almost had him where he wanted him.

“No way buddy. Do it my way or don’t do it at all!”

For a moment Jak didn’t say anything. Not a peep came through the communicator. Daxter leaned back against the wall, a smug smile across his face. He could already tell what Jak was thinking. He knew the blond as well as he knew himself, and what he knew was that Jak’s little brain right now just happened to be racing through the multiple ways he could attempt to wheedle Daxter into doing what he wanted. Then Jak would remember the ways Daxter would counter Jak’s wheedling and how, ultimately, Jak would give in.

“…fine,” Jak murmured, “but Dax? Be nice.”

“Oh you don’t have to worry about me, baby,” Daxter laughed. “I’ll be on my best behavior.”

“….that’s what I’m afraid of.”

[deadbiwrites]

PROMPTS!! I want a pumpkin picking date with Kara pouting a lot bec Lena said they can’t just casually take the 800lbs pumpkin home. Bonus points if Lena caves and ends up paying some guy enough money to buy it and supergirl flies it back to their apartment to carve it. Maybe it can’t fit through the door?? I’m not sure.

(Oh my WORD, it took forever and a day to get this to post but I did it, dammit! @valkyrieskwad , this one's for you! Cross-posting it on Ao3!!)

"You want to what?"

Kara grins and bounces in place, totally unperturbed by Lena's decided lack of enthusiasm. "Pumpkin picking! There's a patch, like, an hour away. It's so cute, I follow them on Instagram, and everyone looks like they're having so much fun in the pictures! It's almost Halloween, too, so we need to go soon or all the good ones will be gone."

"The good ones…?"

"Pumpkins,  Lena! Pumpkins! C'mon, please?"

"Isn't this exactly the sort of thing Alex makes fun of people for? Being basic?"

"Alex doesn't know what fun is if there aren't guns involved, so who cares? Please, babe? Be basic with me!"

Lena arches a brow at her, already caving under the weight of her girlfriend's boundless enthusiasm and the rare (and doubtlessly strategic) use of 'babe'. "Is it a muddy field?" she asks suspiciously. 

"Uh… wear boots?" Kara tries, still smiling. "We can take the baby. He'd love it, and we need to work on socializing him, right?"

Lena turns her attention to the little white puppy snoozing on her lap, running a hand over his back absently. "I mean, yes, we do, but a farm?"

Kara's affronted, or at least playing at it. "Uh, I halfway grew up on a farm, thank you."

"And look what's happened because of it."

Kara laughs, shaking her head, somehow charmed even though Lena knows that she's being a brat about this whole thing. "Why do you hate pumpkin picking?"

"I don't like doing things unless I'm already good at them."

Kara scoffs at this. "You can't be bad at picking pumpkins, Lena. It's just like when you were a kid."

The long stretch of silence at this is telling. 

"Lena," Kara says slowly, "have- have you ever been to a pumpkin patch?"

"I buy pumpkin at the store in a can, like a regular person. Half the work, half the price."

"But you can't carve a can of pumpkin puree!"

More silence. Krypto wakes up, shakes his whole roly-poly little body, and lays back down for another nap, snuffling as Lena rubs between his ears.

"Lena. Please tell me you've carved a pumpkin."

"I- I've seen people do it, so-"

"Oh my GOD."

"Kara-"

"What- what did you do at Halloween? No pumpkins! That's like half the fun, aside from all the candy and costumes, and…" Horror spreads across her face almost as fast as a creeping red flush spreads over Lena's. "Honey. Sweetie. Baby. Please, please tell me that your childhood included just one iteration of a normal American Halloween…?"

"Define normal..."

Kara jumps up from the couch, fuming. "I'm gonna punch your mom in the boob. Is it Tuesday?  They do visits at the prison on Tuesdays, right? Because, like, I know she's in prison, repaying her debt to society,  or whatever, but I'm still gonna go punch her in the boob."

Lena grabs Kara's hand, tugging her to a halt. "Alright, first of all, I appreciate and share the sentiment. Second, please never put your hands anywhere near my mother's boobs. Third, we're gonna stop talking about my mother's boobs, forever. Starting now."

"That's just… why does she suck so bad. Like, so, so badly, she sucks as a person. So bad. Badly sucks."

"Okay, yeah, you're doing that thing where you're so mad you make word puzzles, so I need you to sit down and hold this puppy." Lena lifts Krypto (who growls his fiercest growl and bites her fingers for disrupting his 18th nap of the day) and pushes him into Kara's arms, gratified when she instantly melts, just a little. "Better?"

"Yeah." She heaves a sigh and drops onto the couch beside Lena once more. "Look, if you really don't want to, we don't have to. But it is fun, and it is a disgustingly cute couple-y thing to do, which I know you love even if you pretend you don't."

Lena scoffs. "Prove it."

"You drag me into every photobooth you see and have a collection of all the photos in your desk at work."

Lena flushes a little more, knowing that she's been caught. "It's fun?" she asks quietly, spinning her chunky silver ring around and around on her finger.

"So fun. And it's a good excuse to get out of the city for the day." Kara scoots close, tipping her head so it knocks lightly against Lena's. "Instead of beating up your mom, what if we just make sure you get to do all the stuff you missed, like pumpkin patches and carving Jack-o-lanterns, and all that jazz?"

Lena considers this. "So, we're doing this at least partly to spite my mother?"

Kara beams at her. "Yep! You're gonna get all muddy doing something frivolous just because it's fun. She'd hate it."

"When are we going?"

It's a few days later that they're piled into a borrowed pick-up truck and coasting out of the city in the early morning. Lena has relented the wheel, for once, conceding that she hates driving outside the city and she has no idea where they're going. At least Kara was right about one thing- Krypto is already having a blast, trying his best to stick his entire upper body out the window, and yipping in annoyance when Lena continuously pulls him back into the cab.

One benefit, though, is Kara in what she calls her 'farm clothes', a heretofore undiscovered genre that involves a sturdy and well-loved pair of leather boots, what is clearly a men's flannel shirt tucked into a pair of faded jeans secured with a heavy leather belt, and a goddamn trucker hat.

Lena's really annoyed at how much this look is working for Kara.

Totally annoyed. No other emotion. Or like, squirmy feelings about it in general.

None at all.

"... and of course we'll get some breakfast- hot cider and doughnuts sound good to you?"

Lena blinks, realizes that Kara's been chattering this whole time. "What was that?"

"I asked how you feel about getting some breakfast. You okay? You're kinda spacey today."

"Says the girl from space," Lena snarks.

Kara rolls her eyes, amused. "That joke was only funny the first hundred times."

"Still makes me laugh."

"Fine, fine. But you're good? 'Cause I can hear you thinking, over there."

"I'm good, I just… is it stupid that I'm nervous?"

Kara takes her hand and gives it a squeeze. "Not at all. But you don't need to be nervous or anxious, because it's fun. Okay?"

Lena nods. "Okay." She shifts a bit on the old-school bench seat in the truck. "Why did we borrow this thing, again? My cars are a lot more comfortable."

"Well, Frank would yell at me if I got mud all over one of your cars." 

Lena snorts. "He would not, he loves you."

"And, this way, we can get a big one." There's an almost manic gleam in Kara's eyes that's distinctly disturbing. 

Lena chooses not to ask questions. 

It is not a muddy field. 

The dirt road they pull onto doesn't look all that promising at first, but the pumpkin patch itself is pretty, in a rustic, outdoorsy sort of way. Even early in the day there's a decent crowd here, and Kara grins at the sight of the picturesque red barn a ways away cheerfully advertising cider and doughnuts inside. "Nice! I hoped they'd still be doing the cider and stuff!" She hops out of the truck and rounds the front to help Lena down- whoever this behemoth belongs to had installed a lift-kit to it, and it's a fair few feet to the ground.

"I thought this was a pumpkin patch?"

"Well, yeah, but there's an orchard next door or something, so they have apples and pumpkins. And pears, apparently. Ha! A-PEAR-ently! I'm funny," Kara cackles, settling her hands on Lena's hips.

"You're lucky you're so cute," Lena snorts and scoops Krypto up, bracing a hand on Kara's shoulder as she's lifted easily out of the truck and onto the ground. "But you being able to just pick me up like that? Always a turn-on."

Kara laughs, loud and surprised as a flush creeps up her neck. "Good to know."

Lena smirks and sets Krypto onto the ground, and their day begins.

"So," Lena drawls, chewing an admittedly delicious cinnamon cider doughnut, "what constitutes a good pumpkin?"

"Well, obviously,  you don't want a squishy one."

"Obviously."

"Tiny ones are cute, but it's really hard to carve them."

"Noted."

"Other than that, it's all personal preference. I say go big or go home, Alex likes the really round ones, Eliza likes hers to be smooth, and Jeremiah loved ugly pumpkins."

"Ugly pumpkins...?"

"Oh, yeah, like, the weirder and bumpier the better. He was really good at carving them, so he could do, like, super cool faces and stuff. He made a witch one time that was really creepy."

Lena pushes up onto her toes to plant a kiss on Kara's cheek. "He sounds like a fun dad."

Kara smiles a little sadly. "He was." 

Sensing a rapid downshift in mood, Lena resolves to perk the fuck up. "So! We did doughnuts for breakfast- which I strongly suspect was your real motivation for this little venture…"

Kara's mouth drops open in shock,  but her eyes are sparkling with humor. "I would never!"

"Sure. So, as long as the pumpkin isn't soft, it's fair game?"

"Yup! Go nuts! I couldn't get a pumpkin last year, because of that guy from Yavin IV, I'm gonna get a big one this year to make up for it."

Lena fixes her with a look. "Not too big, though, right?"

Kara smiles innocently, letting Krypto tug her a pace or two ahead. "Of course not."

Lena sighs. 

Kara really is a terrible liar.

"Lena."

Upon seeing what's caught her attention,  Lena nearly drops her own perfectly round pumpkin. "No. Under no circumstances are we getting that one."

Kara's starry-eyed as she stares up at the truly gargantuan squash before her. "It's beautiful."

Lena strongly disagrees- this pumpkin is decidedly ugly, misshapen and lumpy and a shade that's not quite orange or green, but a rather sickly combination of both.

But what it lacks in general aesthetic appeal, it more than makes up for in sheer size. It's wider than Lena is tall, likely taller than she is, too, and is, in general, what Winn would call 'a threateningly large vegetable'. It's on a little platform, a plaque proudly boasting that it'd won some award or other at the state fair a week or so ago. And also its weight:

One thousand two hundred eighteen pounds. 

Lena tries for reason. "Kara. Darling. Love of my life. This… thing won a prize. They bred it especially to be giant. There is absolutely no way they're going to sell it to two city-slickers."

And then it happens. After almost a year of dating, and several years of friendship, Lena is well aware of Kara's pout, and especially aware of her own susceptibility to it. She can almost sense when it's about to happen, these days, and she senses it coming now, tries to steal herself against it.

But it's no use. Kara, she could maybe handle. Maybe. But when she bends and scoops up their three-month old puppy to help her pout, Lena is powerless against the assault.

"Alright, that was unnecessary," she complains. "No using our son like that. He doesn't even know why he's pouting."

"But is it working?" Kara asks, hiding her face behind Krypto's and talking in the goofy voice she reserves for narrating his thoughts.

Lena groans, because yes, of course it's fucking working. "No. Kara, they worked hard to make that... gourd. Can't you get another one?"

"I mean, I can," she agrees, peeking over Krypto's head so just her eyes show. "But think about how awesome that's gonna look when I carve it."

Lena sighs. "Kara,  they're using it as a draw to get people to come here."

"They're making it like a display in a zoo. People just come and point at it! We can give it a loving home!"

Lena arches a brow. "You literally just said that you want to cut it open, scoop out its insides, and carve it.."

"Well, yeah, but like, lovingly."

Lena snorts, knowing she's lost. "Fine! Fine, we can go ask."

Kara cheers, hopping a bit in excitement and darting forward to press her lips to Lena's in a silly, smiley kiss.

As predicted, the farmer is initially reluctant to sell his prize pumpkin. "It's not the money," he clarifies hastily when Lena doubles her offer for the damn stupid pumpkin. "I need the seeds, to plant next year. I won big at the fair this year, and with those I'd have a hell of an advantage next season. You understand?"

"What if we save the seeds and bring them to you?" Kara offers earnestly. "I can drive them out whenever."

The farmer looks skeptical at this, but Kara's offer doesn't waver under his glare, and he sighs, reaching out to shake Lena's hand and seal the deal. "Fine. Only because your girl is cute."

Lena huffs out a laugh, and Kara positively beams at him. "Thanks so much!"

"But Jake has the tractor out in the maze right now, won't be back for an hour or so to move it for ya."

Kara's grin only widens. "Don't worry, I called a friend for help moving it."

The farmer shrugs, and Lena groans, knowing that one spectacle at the pumpkin patch is about to be replaced by another. 

Lena hands the farmer his due for his prize pumpkin, and he turns away before she calls out, catching his attention.

"Sorry, I almost forgot, how much for this one?"

He eyes the normal-sized, perfect pumpkin in Lena's arms and his mouth quirks up in a grin. "For you? On the house."

Supergirl makes a very showy entrance, to the delight of most in attendance (the exceptions being a 74-year old man who thinks anyone who flies should have to get a license,  and her girlfriend who is rolling her eyes fondly and wrestling to keep their puppy from revealing her secret identity), landing with a flourish. She smiles brightly at the crowd waving and laughing, high-fiving anyone who offers before shouldering the massive gourd. "Sorry, guys, I'm on a very important mission. Support local farms!" 

Lena snorts, loudly, and Supergirl takes off into the air as her ears turn a little pink. 

The farmer sidles up to Lena at the back of the crowd, looking a little star-struck. "Wow."

Lena grins, dropping a kiss to Krypto's nose and blowing in his face when he nips at her chin. "Yeah," she agrees. "Wow about sums it up."

The truck rides notably lower on the trip back, the massive pumpkin weighing down the truck bed probably more than is entirely safe.

"So, how was your first trip to the pumpkin patch?" Kara asks with a grin.

"I hated it," Lena deadpans, cradling Krypto in one arm and her pumpkin in the other. On the seat between them are three dozen doughnuts,  four gallons of cider, and three bottles of hard cider the farmer's wife had slipped into their bags with a wink.

Overall, it's been a very pleasant experience. 

"Oh yeah?"

"Absolutely awful. Hated everything."

"What was the worst part?"

Lena reaches over, grabbing Kara's hand and threading their fingers together. "Spending it with you."

Kara clicks her tongue, shakes her head. "Yeah, that sounds awful. I'm a pain in the butt."

"Yeah. You're kinda cute, though, so I guess it's fine."

Kara chuckles, brings their clasped hands to her mouth and kisses Lena's knuckles. "Good news for me."

Lena smiles, turning her attention back to the window and watching as fields fairly fly by, the low sound of Kara singing in the background making this almost unbearably perfect. 

Almost.

"Um… so, funny story…"

Lena arches a brow expectantly, and Kara scuffs her red boots on the floor. "Oh?"

"Yeah. So, the thing is, I tried everything, with the pumpkin, and… it won't fit through the door. None of the doors. Or any of the windows…"

Lena bonds at the waist and laughs until she cries.

That year starts a long-running and much beloved tradition, wherein a truly massive and skillfully-carved pumpkin appears in L-Corp's opulent lobby the first weekend of every October. It later years, it's joined by other, smaller ones, dozens, carved by the children of employees, including those of the CEO herself. 

It's a family tradition, after all.

[matteredloyaltyaa]

@notanoutlaw​ asked: IV. The Emperor , VIII. Strength, XVII. The Star, XXI. The World

tarot asks – no longer accepting

IV. The Emperor — Describe your muse’s relationship with their father.

Bad. To put it lightly. In hindsight and with the knowledge Arthur has later in life, he really would question what motive his father had in even staying around. He had no interest in raising him, loving his mother—she had a stable home life and he likely leeched off that until she got too sick and his criminal lifestyle became the only stable income they had. After she had passed away, Lyle really took Arthur under his wing because he was valuable in cons. Small, sad looking kid asking for money or trying to sweet talk a rich looking traveler, it tended to work out pretty well. He really was who set Arthur on the path he was on in his early life, and ultimately had him meeting Hosea and Dutch after his father was hanged. However, personally, there was little love between father and son. Arthur really was too young at the time to understand that fully outside of the fact that Lyle kept him fed and safe (debatable), but that was as far as it went. Arthur, however, is pretty sentimental, and not always in a sweet way. He keeps his father's hat and mugshots as mostly just reminders of what this life really was, where it was ending. With his hat, though, he doesn't really regard it as Lyle's anymore. It's sat on his head longer, the tears and holes in it are all his. It's his hat.

VIII. Strength — Describe how your muse handles trauma.

Depends on the trauma, I'd say. Arthur's been beat, stabbed, shot—physical trauma tends to get only short term reactions from him. Guarma is kind of the exception to that, considering a lot of that was mental and physical at points. Almost drowning in the ocean, the torture, dehydration, etc. It manifests a lot in nightmares, and most of Arthur's mental trauma does. He doesn't deal with it outright, even grieving is done in private and in short bursts, so his mind just shoves all of that into his head once the walls are down, so to speak. The deaths of loved ones can be rough, he has dreams and nightmares for quite some time, but he's good at playing it off upon waking. However, if it's bad, he will drink. Usually just starts as a sleep aid and then he'll use it to numb thoughts if he can't fight them off, and some cases it's gotten very bad with him but he's always pulled himself out of it. Ultimately, Arthur just bottles and doesn't really deal with trauma, he loathes talking about it and would rather just throw himself into things until he can stop thinking about it all.

XVII. The Star — Describe the type of art that your muse is drawn towards.

Nature landscapes and animals, I'd say. He enjoys drawing those the most and looking at them the most. Photography is interesting, too, much as he enjoys the sketched look better with art than just plain reflection. Though, he can admire people who can draw other people well, as he struggles with facial features and bodies. When he draws people, he spends a considerable amount of time on the sketch and sometimes they are just faceless and focus more on clothing and the area around them.

XXI. The World — What are your muses biggest dreams, and how do they plan to achieve them?

Hard to say, honestly. Arthur really just craves stability deep down, as he's only had that very early in life and even that wasn't completely stable either. However, that's always at odds with his lifestyle and running with the gang. As for achieving such things, he's never had plans himself but he heavily bought into Dutch's ideas and goals for them all. He trusted his judgment and guidance for a LONG time. In my post-game au, he really is kind of displaced and unsure about what he wants at points. He's used to looking for other people in light of that—if he can shape their goals into his goals, he'll do that, but that's only if he comes to trust someone.

[gaygwenpool]

give me literally All Headcanon for that post for Mysterio p l e a s e (also, for the one of my choosing, whether or not you hc he commentates movies while watching them or insists on ABSOLUTE SILENCE)

:D!!! my sweet boy, BLESS you nonnie! 

◉ whether or not you hc he commentates movies while watching them or insists on ABSOLUTE SILENCE IS A FANTASTIC QUESTION IVE BEEN LITERALLY LAUGHIN ABOUT IT ALL DAY THANK YOU

   Both actually! if you try to comment on the plot or react to an actor, immediately you get rudely shushed with the most scorching glare because how DARE you, focus on the ~ART~ you heathen!!! but also the Moment a slightly more advanced special effect takes place, he is all hoppin on his seat excitedly explaining how it’s done and how genius that is, how would he improve on it and how another movie dealt with it, the dialogue for the big plot reveal goin on the screen be damned :’D Also as the movie advances, he starts gettin more and more into long passionate rants either complaining about the lack/surfeit of respect the creators got, how arrogant this one actor is and how he doesnt respect his cues and so on….. lots of the stuff he says is actually pretty interesting but yeah, if you counted on just enjoying the movie, tough luck 

   He really likes watchin movies with people but prefers to see the movie first on his own at least once, to really focus on it. Often, he will watch a movie in the livin room while others do their own thing and he will comment on the good scenes, however if you agreed to actually watch somethin with him and got distracted during screening or worse, was on your phone?? you are dead to him. (and you can expect some …unpleasant surprises in the upcoming days)   

im gonna put the rest under the readmore cuz this is gettin long ^^;;

[ask meme]

☾ - sleep headcanon

Beck is the UGLIEST sleeper, he is the worst. He snores loudly, drools, moves, KICKS, mumbles and has the most vivid wildest dreams. (it happens rarely but sometimes he’ll dream about somethin, wake up and for a while be convinced it actually happened, you know like when you dream about arguing with your friend and being mad at them the next day etc) On the other hand, sometimes, all his features relax, he loses the scowl and looks surprisingly peaceful and happy… oh and he hogs the blanket.  

His sleep schedule is a fuckin mess, he is able to go like the whole week on few hours of sleep total when he is workin on a project but other days he gets grumpy if he doesnt get his 10h of beauty sleep every night.. 

★ - sad headcanon

uhhh i dont actually have much sad stuff for this boy yet, he brings me so much joy that i dont have the heart for that :’’’D (also i like him and chameleon team ups and Dmitri brings enough angst to the table for the both of them)

He really actually died that one time and went to hell (though in Patchwork, im not gonna keep everythin about that Daredevil plot, i really like Mysti being dangerous and actually a worthy opponent but most of it was too fucked up for my tastes…) and well… it wasnt great :’D  it mostly targeted his insecurities about his own talent he buried so deep he almost stopped believing them, the lack of respect and recognition and him willingly throwing away any chance he had at those by becoming Mysterio and of course everything that happened with his ex Brick Johnson…

☆ - happy headcanon

blease consider: autistic Quentin !!!!!!

☠ - angry/violent headcanon

he doesnt have a hair trigger temper like Ock or Electro but Damn does this boy holds grudges over literally everything :’D lots of overcomplicated, carefully crafted revenge plots just for eating the last yogurt in the fridge… He gets frustrated easily, getting snappy and rude, especially if people are not listening to him, but it’s often about the pettiest things, the bigger stuff doesnt affect him as much.  

He doesnt enjoy violence for the sake of violence but he is not above it either, everythin is allowed for his big performance…… he can be quite a good n friendly boss if you listen to his orders and work well but can just as much set you up to die in an explosion, all while smiling and patting you on the back… 

✿ - Sex headcanon

my Mysterio is gay as hell but also somewhere on the ace spectrum… not sex-repulsed but definitely not a high drive either (he feels oddly smug about that, like look at those fools trying to get into each others’ pants, how pathetic, *I* in the meantime have time for things that Truly matter, like recreating every Xmen battle ever with only straws and gum.) 

■ -  Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon

listen, i basically grew up on those “the entire villain team lives in a single place - shenanigans ensue” fics so im not givin up on the Sinister Six HQ, okay. (Chameleon usually finds them a suitable house with enough rooms, as luxurious as their current fonds allow, and he prides himself in putting in lil personal touches that he knows the sin six members would enjoy, for Quentin it’s often very obscure movies, rare memorabilia from his favorite ones, stuff for his illusions, a stolen Oscar…) 

 When these are unavailable (aka superheroes got them busted) or when he aint in the middle of a crime job, he usually stays at one of the Cham’s safehouses (with or without him) and in a few of them, he already has his own dedicated room with some of his fav old tricks on display. Speakin of which, he has a BIG warehouse with most of his setups and stages or at least models. He doesnt really plan on reusing them but he likes having them all together 

♡ - romantic headcanon

((jakjgkfajga im a loser and ended up shippin him with Chameleon and everythin i’ve thought off so far is EMBARRASSING AND CHEESY AS FUCK :’’’’D so im gonna leave those for another time))

Beck being an Extra Bitch he is, lives for the Big Romantic Gestures like in the movies and he often gets so caught up in the prep he.. kinda disregards the person he was makin it for, the making of the effect means more for him than  the actual sentiment behind it… 

(ok maybe One mysteleon hc, while it pains him, Quentin knows Chammy Would Not Enjoy being a target of such grand display… he gotta be more subtle, creating a scene where he could play in disguise and dupe some superheroes mayhaps…) 

♥ - family headcanon

like 99% of the villains and their grandma, his family wasnt great, mum left when he was very young with another guy, his dad considered his passion for movies a great waste of time and let lil Quentin know how disappointed he was at every occasion both vocally and physically.. After the first few broken models and ripped tapes with stop animations that took weeks to complete, Quentin stopped tryin to impress and convince his father about the greatness of special effects.. He joined a boxing club and learnt some other martial arts but as soon as he could, he left to join a proper film school which led to his father dropping both financing and all contact with him. 

☮ - friendship headcanon

Im not even gonna start about Chameleon’s and Mysterio’s friendship because that shit is canon and i cry about it on a daily basis. 

Despite his penchant for Dramatics, the constant Need for Validation and Backstabbing and other Throwing Shit in the Fan just cuz it was narratively better, Quentin actually has quite a few friends? He gets along quite well with everyone from the Sin Six and many other villains and even has some ‘normie’ pals from the film industry or just neighborhood… 

One of his most surprising is actually Doc Ock with whom he gets along even outside of business partners/partners in crime basis. Though maybe not so surprising, Mysterio is quite vocal with his praises when he feels like they are deserved and Doc as well actually admires and recognizes Beck’s talent while it is still enough specific for him not to feel threatened in his superiority (once he tried to improve them and show them to Quentin with his usual arrogance and flair and that was the biggest fight they ever had and they werent on speaking terms for a loooong while after that… Oct cant stand not having the last word so he still modified some of Mysterio’s tricks even after that but he actually cares about their friendship enough to not tell Mysti about it.. Not like he would ever admit that to Quentin’s fishbowl face) 

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

like 99% of everythin Mysti does is Somehow related to special effects/film or the Drama in general but my boy is a nerd in general, theater, books, comics, manga, roleplaying games, you name it. He especially likes flashy stuff obviously. 

He really enjoys learning new techniques and figuring out how to make something happen. When he was younger, he was viciously against CGI but later he started to sorta respect it as its own category that needs talent and effort… he still prefers to use the traditional techniques of course :’D (…as traditional as HYPNOTIZING PEOPLE WITH NEURAL GAZ IS) 

☯ - likes/dislikes headcanon

He has a very Complicated relationship with the film industry……. on the one hand, he loves the behind the scenes, the rush, the Action…. but on the other hand, he hates it with a fiery passion, everythin from how you get treated like dirt and the pretentious prizes being awarded just for the Big names and hollywood and everythin turning around the money an-…., he has a very long list and it is alphabetized. (While he has a point for many of those complaints, the fact HE himself never got any pretentious award remains probably the main issue…) 

he absolutely despises people making fun of D-grade shitty movies in the “this shitty horror is so cheesy and dumb it’s funny and i love it” way, either because the people workin on it were good and trying their best but the money or the producers etc ruined it (his experience) and then it’s an unfair critique or because the creators just didnt try hard enough and that’s even worse in his books and this movie should not get Any Attention much less a positive one.. 

he likes complaining and being snarky :’D he enjoys the challenge Spidey sets for them and loves playing tag with him (even when he loses..) He loves the prep before his big shows both alone or with help, the adrenalin when actually pulling it off and when he discusses it with Cham in details. He lives for the applause and recognition and ~Fame~ 

▼ - childhood headcanon

not as much as hc as adopting the Webspinners’ aproach: he spent most of his childhood daydreaming, hiding himself behind the stories and special effects….. not many friends aside from Betsy but he didnt really need them, he wanted audience not pals.. In the film school he started to be more social and communicative, he met Brick there and they started goin out… 

∇ -. old age/aging headcanon

hhhhh im conflicted, there are like 3 comics where Q is retired because he has enough of superheroes beating him up and he Really doesnt want to go back to it.. I cant see him actually givin up on it totally tho… idk idk

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

Like with sleep, it oscillates wildly. He can forget to eat when he is hypefocusin on a particular project (one single chip suffices as nourishment) or he just subsides on ramen for a month but on the other hand he is quite a capable cook. Nothing Extraordinary but he can make enough diverse simple meals. When livin with Chammy, they both enjoy eating out so they do that as much as the budget allows (so not that much, illusions arent cheap…) 

☼ - appearance headcanon

im still thinkin about that one post that described Quentin as a “toenail of a man” and i couldnt agree more :’D very short, pig nose, hairstyle à la Spock, stocky built and weirdly beefy, like this guy’s thigh is bigger than some heads… (for a nerd he is surprisingly strong what the fuck) 

All Mysterios are Good Mysterios but my preferred ones have a bigass ROUND fishbowl, the longest cape and somethin as a belt, preferably sash.. 

ൠ - random headcanon

he actually isnt….. that great of an actor nor director nor creator………………….. (im sorry baby i love you but it’s tru….) he unconsciously copies a lot of stuff he has seen elsewhere, he follows overused tropes, his work is packed with cliches and cheesy over the top pathos… his special effects mastery n creativity with workin out his illusions is absolutely INCREDIBLE dont get me wrong, it’s just… the plot/ideas……..  at first he lived in denial about this still believing 100% his work is Wonderful and Perfect and he is just a misunderstood author… later he decided to embrace it and he is livin the life now :D

[possiblyimbiassed]

What happened to Sherlock? Part V – Bizarre Scenarios

I think it’s time for another monster post in my meta series. :) I might have said that I’d try to make it shorter this time, but somehow I got carried away... ;). Which is not that surprising, actually, since today’s topic is something I could go on and on about; there’s an infinity of stuff to explore in the show from this perspective. Anyway, you can find the earlier parts of my series below:

Introduction - The game is on (explains the method of analysis) Part I - Blog vs TV-show Part II - Re-living memories Part III - Drugs and weirdness Part IV – Heartbreak and coma (1) Part IV – Heartbreak and coma (2)

So, this fifth installment (out of nine in total) will explore the idea of Sherlock’s brain running a kind of simulations - basically a series of hypothetic ‘what if’ scenarios - at least from HLV and forwards. And it builds upon the conclusions from these earlier metas, namely that this show is seen entirely from Sherlock’s perspective; that we’re inside the great detective’s mind from Day 1. 

But since I believe Sherlock is in coma from HLV and onwards (see Part IV), he can’t quite distinguish these scenarios from ‘reality’. So, here goes the next hypothesis:

Hypothesis #5: Almost everything we see happen in HLV, TAB and S4 is Sherlock ‘running scenarios’ in his mind, based on a mix of his earlier memories and movies he has watched.

To test this, I think I might first need to explain some things about the concept of ‘running scenarios’, as far as I know from real life. 

Predictive modeling

At work, I’m involved in a kind of data modeling that makes me think of Sherlock’s brain. The general principle is this: You collect a set of data of a certain type (in my case it’s geographic data), you run your data set through a computer algorithm, in which some limiting values are defined, and as result you get a predicted outcome of the phenomenon you’re studying. In my case the result is a digital map that shows the most probable geographical distribution of the phenomenon. The resulting map scenario is based upon someone’s expert knowledge of the subject matter, which is integrated into the computer algorithm and used by the model. In short: you use your data sets to run the model to make predictions - scenarios.

But how can you know that your predictions are accurate? Well, you can never expect them to be entirely accurate, since the modeling is always a theoretical simplification of reality. But you can always try to validate the predictions by comparing them to real-world observations of the phenomenon in question. If a great majority of the real-world observations fall within your plotted map, then you can regard the prediction as useful; otherwise you must collect new data, re-adjust the model and try again.

Now, let’s compare this predictive modeling method to John’s and Sherlock’s conversation in TLD (all quotes from the show in this meta come from Ariane deVere’s invaluable transcripts. Bolding is always mine, though):

JOHN: Wednesday morning I booked today’s session. Now, today is Friday. So two weeks ago – two weeks before you were abducted at gunpoint and brought here against your will, over a week before I even thought of coming here - you knew exactly where you’d need to be picked up for lunch?

SHERLOCK: Really? I correctly anticipated the responses of people I know well to scenarios I devised. Can’t everyone do that?

Well, no Sherlock; we really can’t, and neither can you in this case - at least not in ‘real life’! I think John’s disbelief is totally justified; there are so many ‘feasible variables’ involved in this operation – people and things and events that uncontrollably vary in time and space – and so many assumptions based upon each other, that it would be absolutely impossible for Sherlock to predict the future with this kind of accuracy. He might get a general idea of where and when he could probably find John, yes; perhaps he could even narrow it down to a matter of days and miles, if he had enough circumstantial data. 

But he could never know the exact time and place of John’s appointment with another person two weeks in advance - when even John himself hadn’t decided it yet - merely by deductive reasoning. Neither could he possibly know that in this very instant it would occur to Mrs Hudson to abduct him and directly after it would occur to John to have Molly Hooper examine Sherlock, instead of simply doing it himself. Even a weather forecast is extremely insecure in details two weeks in advance (x, x), and the meteorologists have powerful computer programs and mathematical models at their disposal, while Sherlock in this case would have only his own brain.

But I believe here is where Sherlock leaves us one of the most important clues in the whole show about his methods and about what’s actually going on in S4; he talks about himself having ‘devised scenarios’. So maybe this is what he has been doing all along, since the last time he entered his Mind Palace!

But what kind of scenarios is he referring to? And why does he even want to set up these scenarios? I mean, if he were using predictions and scenarios, it would seem that he’s working on solving some kind of problem, right? Or at least that he’s studying some interesting phenomenon. But the only ‘problem’ we’re told about in TLD is that he wants John’s help to catch a serial killer. So why not just send a message to John and ask for his assistance with the case? Why ‘devise’ an elaborate dramatic scenario involving Mrs Hudson, Molly and John’s new therapist; none of which has anything to do with the crime case? The answer might be that Sherlock is actually working on quite another case than ‘Culverton Smith the Serial Killer’: his own personal case, trying to find out what went wrong between him and John in order to save John Watson.

In any case, Sherlock cannot make this TLD prediction with 100% accuracy; it doesn’t matter how well he knows people, that just isn’t possible. At least not in the ‘real’ world where there are too many things that can go wrong just by chance. Sherlock may like to think that he has every little detail under control, but he’s only human after all, like everybody else. Which means that these scenarios are most probably taking place inside Sherlock’s head. And his predicted outcome about John in TLD is a fine example of this. Inside his brain, Sherlock can control most of the parameters and not much is left to chance, so the model works there, broadly speaking. But IRL it wouldn’t.

Assumption upon assumption

Now, an important aspect of predictive modeling is that you need to make certain assumptions to run your scenarios; a sort of simplification of reality. But the problem is that the more assumptions you pile up, one upon the other, without reality checks in between, the more uncertain your results will be. An assumption based on another assumption will always be more insecure than the first one, right? Sherlock’s problem here might be precisely the lack of contact with reality; he needs to validate his scenarios with observations from real life. Otherwise the modeling will be more and more biased and the results more and more twisted. But I believe it’s shown clearly in S4 that there is no new input of RL data, since everything seems to have already happened before in one form or another. And the consequence of this is that Sherlock’s scenarios keep getting more and more unbelievable, derailing into their almost complete logical collapse in TFP, where so many absurd and impossible things happen that the plot loses all kinds of credibility. In short, I think TFP is the final result of Sherlock’s permanent bias.

Heteronormative bias

Let’s say that one of Sherlock’s assumptions is biased in some direction, that it’s somehow influenced by his own emotions (Sentiment; the fly in the ointment, the crack in the lens, etc, etc). With the chain of scenarios described above, the error will multiply with each new similar assumption, and the results of his mental experiments will end up not making much sense at all, just like TFP. One of the most significant biases/errors I believe Sherlock commits, is that he totally excludes ‘Johnlock’ from the equation; he doesn’t take into account even the possibility of John being in love with him or the possibility of the two of them ever becoming a couple. He consequently interprets any sign of affection from John as either directed at someone else (a woman of course) -

- or as a misguided hero-worship of an unworthy character -

- probably linked to John’s adrenaline dependence -

- which John surely will sooner or later grow out of.

This may have to do with Sherlock’s lack of self-esteem and/or fear of emotions, but it’s a heteronormative bias and it’s severe, since it stops him from seeing the problem clearly, which might make him miss the solution entirely. And as long as heteronormativity and homophobia aren’t on Sherlock’s conscious checklist of possible problems to deal with, I’m afraid he won’t discover this bias. And since Sherlock makes this assumption again and again, without ever testing its opposite and without reality checks, he ends up with narrow-minded, absurd and dystopic results from his modeling, which ultimately don’t bring happiness to anyone. Sherlock has an amazing brain capacity, but I think he gets ‘lost in the sky’, high above everyone else, as the little girl on the plane (Eurus) explains in TFP. I’ll try to explore this idea with my own little prediction testing below.

Prediction #1: When Sherlock is in coma there will be no more entirely new events that seem realistic

If Sherlock is unconscious, his brain might still keep on working on his eternal scenarios based on memories, even though it has no new input data from the external world to process. The events would now all be based on things Sherlock has heard or experienced or imagined before he entered his comatose state. Which means they will all feel a bit familiar, unless they are pure fanciful fabrications - often absurd or surrealistic - which is basically what happens in a dream state (and perhaps more so if it’s drug-induced).

And yes, I think we can see this expected pattern quite clearly, with a remarkable difference between the events up until TSoT on one hand, and in HLV and onwards on the other.

In TSoT some rather ‘ordinary’ things happen that are not uncommon events IRL, but we haven’t actually seen most of them in the show before: there’s a bank robbery, a wedding reception, a bride, a church, a (real) priest, a photographer. There’s also Sherlock writing a speech, folding serviettes and planning a party, there’s a ‘stag do’ and Sherlock gets drunk and vomits. Sherlock deduces that John’s newly wed wife is pregnant.

And we could also apply this test to all the episodes before TSoT, looking for ‘novel’, non-repetitive and still believable events (I don’t count ASiP, though, since it’s the very first episode thus cannot be repetitive):

TBB: Coherent crime case; smugglers use secret codes, run a circus and one of the acrobats can climb high buildings. John (innocently) gets an ASBO for graffiti.

TGG: A series of crime cases with hostages threatened to be blown up, including John. Poison murders and strangling.

ASiB: Weird crime case with a manipulative dominatrix. Mrs Hudson is attacked. Sherlock still solves it in a believable way. He is rude to his guests at a Christmas party.

THoB: A fairly believable crime story involving a shift of environment to Dartmoor, a client who is being ‘gas-lighted’ by the criminal of the case, and a military laboratory.

TRF: Child kidnapping case, a boarding school. A trial. Extensive media coverage of (Sherlock as) a celebrity, who becomes a murder suspect but fakes his own suicide. 

TEH: Sherlock returns from the ‘dead’ and carries on crime solving but has problems with John. John is now engaged, which is also new.

In HLV, on the other hand, most of the believable things are repetitive; John beats someone up (ASiB, TRF, TEH), someone gets shot (ASiP, TBB, ASiB, THoB), Sherlock and John visit a high and/or fancy building (TBB, ASiB, THoB, TEH), they celebrate Christmas (ASiB), Mrs Hudson’s past is discussed (ASiP, TSoT), 221B is searched for drugs (ASiP, ASiB), John seems jealous of a woman whom he thinks Sherlock is attracted to (ASiB), Sherlock and Mycroft smoke cigarettes together (ASiB), we see their parents (TEH), there’s a memory stick thrown away without anyone checking it out (TGG) and there are helicopters about (ASiB, TEH, TSoT).

The only completely new scenes in HLV either seem unbelievable or have to do with Sherlock openly using drugs; suddenly he is high in a drug den, his blood is analysed for drugs, he gets an IV drug drip and he drugs his whole family at Christmas. Among the unbelievable stuff: Sherlock is shot in the chest by John’s wife but miraculously survives. John’s wife turns out to be a ninja assassin (which is also repetitive, only with a new twist; assassins appeared in TBB, TGG and TRF and in TBB they climbed high buildings). Sherlock blows someone’s head off and becomes a murderer.  And don’t get me started again about the absurdity of John forgiving someone who tried to kill Sherlock. But none of the most unbelievable and horrifying of these events are canon consistent; ACD’s Mary Morstan never shoots anyone, Holmes is never shot, Holmes never kills anyone and Watson never ‘forgives’ anyone who has attacked Holmes. Sherlock’s drug use is canon, though, so I don’t think it’s too farfetched to believe that much of this is simply crack fantasies.

The repetitive scenes then continue in TAB and throughout the whole of S4, while the lack of realism escalates all the way up to TFP. I made a whole list of repeated scenes here  (and there are even more in the additions to that meta).

Prediction #2: If Sherlock is running scenarios, there will be indications that this is his typical method of solving puzzles

The word ‘scenario’ is very similar to the word ‘scene’, isn’t it? And we know both from canon and the show that Sherlock Holmes likes a touch of Drama and loves to disguise himself in the most peculiar ways. In one of the parts of TAB that we know for sure is taking place within Sherlock’s Mind Palace, a very obvious stage is shown as part of his method of figuring out what happened with the Abominable Bride:

I certainly don’t intend to take any credits for the scenario idea since other people presented it already long ago. Like, for example, @loudest-subtext-in-tv (LSiT), who pointed it out directly after S4 aired.  Or @raggedyblue, whose meta about The Mind Theatre, where it’s all beautifully laid-out, is brilliant in its straightforward reasoning. And, of course, the whole EMP theory developed by @gosherlocked, @the-7-percent-solution and @monikakrasnorada,  is a great foundation for the idea that what we see in S4 are indeed concoctions made up inside Sherlock’s mind. Already in 2016, before S4, @gosherlocked pointed out a series of inconsistencies as evidence that HLV is at least partly taking place inside Sherlock’s EMP. In their comment to this post, I think @tetragon4 said something interesting about how to interpret HLV and TAB as being EMP:

“Now, this is not about what I, or for that matter, what the fandom prefers. The question is: Do HLV and TAB support the theory? This is a difficult one to answer. Sure, there are inconsistencies like the camera/lighting, Mycroft’s cravat, or Mary’s pose. One swallow, though, does not make a summer. As such, what EMP theory needs is an in-depth analysis of the two episodes. Until then, it is too early to speculate based on unrelated inconsistencies. It is necessary to prove the existence of common inconsistencies running through the scenes after the supposed entrance into EMP”.

And I agree; it doesn’t really matter how we, the audience, feel about the idea of much of this show happening inside Sherlock’s head – the important thing is where the evidence takes us. So, @tetragon4’s suggestion is partly similar to what I’ll try to do with the next prediction: search HLV, piece by piece, for inconsistencies telling us that what we see might actually be Sherlock’s brain running a series of simulations or theoretical ‘what if’ scenarios.

As @raggedyblue demonstrates in their meta linked above, it’s repeatedly shown in ACD Canon that Holmes’ method of investigation is based on imagination. When Holmes explains his methods to Watson, he often mentions the importance of putting himself in the other person’s place to explore how they must have reasoned. For example in this quote from The Sign of Four:   “I then put myself in the place of Small and looked at it as a man of his capacity would. He would probably consider that to send back the launch or to keep it at a wharf would make pursuit easy if the police did happen to get on his track. How, then, could he conceal the launch and yet have her at hand when wanted? I wondered what I should do myself if I were in his shoes. I could only think of one way of doing it”. In TSoT Sherlock very clearly puts himself in James Sholto’s place, to try to convince him to not commit suicide:

Holmes also frequently uses himself as an actor while solving crime cases, usually to fool the suspects. For example, Watson tells us in A Scandal in Bohemia (SCAN), at a point in the story where Holmes disguised himself as a clergyman before appearing at Irene Adler’s home (which is also exactly what he does in ASiB):  “It was not merely that Holmes changed his costume. His expression, his manner, his very soul seemed to vary with every fresh part that he assumed. The stage lost a fine actor, even as science lost an acute reasoner, when he became a specialist in crime”.

So yes; as demonstrated above, I think we can safely say that putting up scenarios in his head, as well as using ‘actors’ – including himself - are definitely important methods in Sherlock Holmes’ puzzle-solving.

Prediction #3: If Hypothesis #5 is true, we might find an initial ‘question’, some ‘inspiration’ and a ‘result’ for each scenario Sherlock is running.

As I’ve said before, I imagine that Sherlock’s extraordinary brain keeps working even when his body is unconscious, fighting for survival and trying to solve problems. I think he’s running a series of “what if” simulations, and they’re all about John Watson. I also think there are enough repetitive moments and enough movie references in this show to give ample material to Sherlock’s Mind Theatre, where he can stage very elaborate, dramatic scenarios, complete with actors, detailed premises and props.

To test Prediction #3 I’ll try to run through most of the scenes from HLV, in order to check if the statement above might be valid. For each of the scenarios, I’ll try to detect possible initial questions, which Sherlock might want to explore with the simulation in his Mind Theatre. I’ll also suggest possible elements from movies and/or Sherlock’s own memories that might have inspired the scenarios. Finally I’ll try to explain which results I think we can see in the show from each of Sherlock’s mind experiments. But I’ll also take the opportunity to discuss evidence that indicate it’s indeed just a mental scenario or - in some cases - speculate on possible alternative explanations.

HLV, Scenario 1: What will happen when John gets bored of his ordinary life with ‘Mary’? Inspiration: I think Sherlock’s memory of John beating him up after his return from the dead in TEH, his memory of John punching him in the face by Sherlock’s own request and provocation in ASiB, and John hitting the Chief Inspector when the Police arrested Sherlock in TRF; all this is making him think of John as potentially violent. Also, Sherlock deduced already in ASiP that John is attracted to danger.

[running, running the simulation, staged with ‘actors’ that either represent John or Sherlock or the challenges they are up to…]

Result: After some time of ordinary, married life, John can’t stand it anymore; he does something dangerous (because he’s an adrenaline junkie) and ends up hurting someone else doing it: he violently disarms Billy Wiggins and sprains his arm. Then he leaves Billy lying with his sprained arm and goes on to look for his neighbour’s drug addict son.

Discussion: But would John Watson really break into a drug den and single-handedly beat up the junkie who was guarding it, basically because he was bored? And how likely is it that he would then tell him “I’m a doctor, I know how to sprain people”? We’ve never seen John refer to his medical profession that horrible way, have we? (But we did hear him tell Sherlock in ASiB that he was a soldier and killed people). And would it be likely that the ‘gate-keeper’ (surrounded by hearts-and green tiles from 221B; is the eye there to make us pay attention?), who didn’t hesitate to draw knife on the intruder, would just lie there without even trying to run after him and at least warn the people in there? 

I suspect that a slightly exaggerated characterization of John starts here and later escalates, because drugs and Sentiment bias Sherlock’s mind. Sherlock’s capability of “correctly anticipating responses of people I know well” might begin to get altered already here.

HLV, Scenario 2: What will happen if John finds out that Sherlock has taken drugs? Inspiration: Already in ASiP John hears from the police that Sherlock is a drug user, and Sherlock doesn’t deny it. And in ASiB John conspires with Mycroft and Mrs Hudson to search 221B for any secret drug deposit of Sherlock’s. So both these events should be stored in Sherlock’s memory.

[Not so much running needed…]

Result: John gets furious with Sherlock and takes him to hospital; not for caretaking but simply for drug tests. He berates Sherlock for not having told him about his drug problems. Molly slaps him for ‘betraying his friends’ by throwing away his talent on drugs.

And John then joins forces with Mycroft and phones him immediately to have 221B searched for drugs. Discussion: This behaviour is not very ‘doctory’ or even humane of either John or Molly, though, is it? Sherlock is a close friend of theirs, whom both of them love, and he has just spent the night high in a drug den. But neither of them even tries to examine him, even though Molly obviously gets a positive result from the urine test. Instead, the whole scene is full of critique and punishment. And his brother Mycroft, who ‘constantly worries’ about Sherlock, now lets strangers into Sherlock’s flat to search it, and all he does is express contempt for Sherlock’s life style. I think this shows the influence of Sherlock’s self-loathing in the simulation – a pattern that will be repeated all the way through TAB and S4. Guilt. Sentiment. Drugs.

HLV, Scenario 3: What will happen if John finds out that Sherlock has a relationship with someone else (a woman, to boot)? Inspiration: Sherlock didn’t actually know Janine, but he might have noticed that John interrupted his dancing practice with her already at the wedding. And since she seemed a bit interested in Sherlock she would be the nearest candidate for this little test, where Sherlock could invent a good alibi for being with her: a crime case. But most of all, I think this experiment stems from Sherlock’s broken heart and jealous emotions; he subconsciously wants to get back at John for leaving him and marrying a woman.

[running, running the simulation…]

Result: John gets jealous and angry with Sherlock, but he tries to keep his face straight (pun intended); he won’t confess anything to Sherlock. 

Discussion: Here I believe Sherlock is indeed on to something, but he doesn’t see it clearly and consciously because of his bias. Bad characterization of Janine, also, who didn’t before seem stupid enough to wait in the bed of a supposed boyfriend who is away the whole night without telling why and doesn’t want to sleep with her anyway. Drugs. Sentiment. Underestimating women’s brain capacity (one of Sherlock’s biggest flaws I’d say; possibly originating in his contempt (=fear) of Sentiment).

Scenario 4: What will happen if Sherlock Holmes openly invites Media (CAM) to an interview? Inspiration: We already saw how the press treated Sherlock and John in TRF (for more analysis about this, see my meta about media’s role in BBC Sherlock and the additions to it) so Sherlock does have experience to fall back on here.

[running, running…]

Result: Media (CAM) own them now; they intimidate both Sherlock and John and try to find their pressure points.

They disarm John, ‘piss in Sherlock’s fireplace’ (violate his integrity), show contempt for their life-style and insinuate things about Sherlock’s traumatic past (Redbeard). And Sherlock can do basically nothing to defend himself.

Discussion: CAM’s supposed mental filing of information, and his use of a Mind Palace, seems suspiciously similar to Sherlock’s own methods of storing observations and deducing people based on it. (Look at the font, by the way; it’s written in Courier, just like a manuscript for a news article or a play or a film...). And I think Sherlock’s behaviour in this scene is weird, to say the least; why would he accept CAM’s armed thugs body searching him and John in his own house? Why would he let them intimidate Mrs Hudson (especially considering what he did to the CIA guy in ASiB)? And why would a brain like Sherlock’s immediately swallow CAM’s rather obvious bait with the letters? The depiction of John is a little strange too: how can he walk around, sit down, etc. seemingly without discomfort, when he has a big tyre lever stuck down his trousers? ;) Seeing this as a scenario in Sherlock’s head makes far more sense to me - probably influenced by drugs and (sexual) Sentiment.

Scenario 5: What will happen if John finds out Sherlock is capable of pretending a relationship with someone just for a case? Inspiration: This is Sherlock’s MO after all, even in ACD canon; he loves to play roles for a case. And he does tend to underestimate women. But maybe it’s just a bit exaggerated here? ;)

[very short model running this time…]

Result: John thinks (for the umpteenth time) that Sherlock is a psychopath, but he does not see the likeness with his own marriage based on lies; not even when Sherlock hints about it.

Discussion: Again, bad characterization of Janine, who I think wouldn’t be stupid enough to let Sherlock into CAM tower knowing fully well that CAM is present. Drugs. Underestimating women.

Scenario 6: What will happen if Sherlock ‘takes one more step’? Inspiration: There’s a plethora of action movies and games with ninja assassins and spies, and the black-clad ninjas often climb buildings and walls on their missions. So ‘Mary’s gear and behaviour at CAM tower wouldn’t be particularly hard for Sherlock to dream up; especially since there has been a lot of assassins in this show already to use as inspiration.

But I also believe there might be a particular movie inspiring Sherlock for the whole Shooting Drama scenario with ‘Mary’: “Selena” from 1997. This film, starring Jennifer Lopez, is entirely based on a real life story about the famous Tejano singer Selena, who was murdered by her (supposed) friend Yolanda Saldívar. As I explained in this addition to a post from @elldotsee, the name “Yolanda” is repeated 4 times in the scene in TEH where Sherlock meets ‘Mary’ for the first time. Yolanda shot Selena in the shoulder, and she died of blood loss on her way to the hospital. According to Wikipedia (my bolding), "The defense attorney argued the shooting was accidental, but the prosecution pointed out that Saldívar, a trained nurse, did not call 911 or try to help Selena after she was shot."

So let’s compare this movie with the events in HLV. I don’t think the actual shooting is included in the film, but this is Selena being taken to hospital:

And here is Sherlock being taken to hospital:

The stretcher is pretty similar, which could of course be a coincidence. But look at Selena (as played by J.Lo, who by the way received a Golden Globe nomination for this film):

Aren’t these images a little bit too similar for a mere coincidence? And since Sherlock is exceptionally into crime cases, I think it’s not unlikely that he might have found interest in this movie based on a famous IRL crime case…

[scenario running time is very short at first, but then the simulation goes on and on and on…]

Result: When Sherlock takes the step, ‘Mary’ (= heteronormativity) – who is now suddenly a full-feathered ninja assassin - literally tries to kill Sherlock, which might feel just the same to him in the suicidal state I believe he is in at this point (X). But then he realizes that John will ‘cry buckets and buckets’, and that John’s life will definitely be in danger. So he struggles to stay alive.

Discussion: I think this whole debacle is basically about Sherlock’s heart-break after ‘Marry Watson’, interpreted as a shot to the heart. While the real reason for his critical state might be an overdose of drugs, his mind translates this to a shooting Drama. This doesn’t necessarily mean that ‘Mary’ is a nice person, but I do believe the ninja bit is exaggerated. To ‘take one more step’ might in this case have meant a possible step towards a same-sex relationship with John. But Sherlock doesn’t consciously recognize this possibility, so in this scenario it’s depicted as if he takes one more step towards disarming ‘Mary’ (which would metaphorically be almost the same thing, if ’Mary’ stands for the hetero norm). In my sub-textual reading, this is also about heteronormativity (=’Mary’) firming its grip on Media  (=CAM). But Sherlock isn’t ready to realize this just yet, so he blames Love (=Lady Smallwood) due to his fear of emotions. In a textual reading, however, this could also mean that Sherlock has deduced that Media has some sh*t on ‘Mary’ which might indirectly threaten John. In either case, he still tries to stop ‘Mary’ from killing CAM. 

On the surface, Sherlock probably believes that ‘John is in danger’ is connected to the risk of ‘Mary’ getting desperate and trying to kill John too. But his subconscious might indeed realize that John would be suicidal too if he lost Sherlock again. And now we’re even ‘officially’ inside Sherlock’s mind palace, so we know - most of the time at least - that the characters that now show up (Jim alive and kept in a padded cell, Molly slapping Sherlock to make him focus, Mycroft giving advice etc.) aren’t actually ‘real’. 

Scenario 7: What will happen if Sherlock ‘tells John’ [the truth]?

Inspiration: Sherlock and John have a long history of not telling each other important stuff, especially Sherlock. So this threat from ‘Mary’, when Sherlock is hospitalized, might be well-founded in his own fear of talking about issues involving strong emotions. 

We’re not told exactly what Sherlock can’t tell John, but I assume she means ‘the Truth’. In this scenario Sherlock depicts it as ‘Mary’ not wanting her husband to know about her shady assassin past. 

[running, running, looong running, involving Sherlock not only telling, but showing John the truth about ‘Mary’…]

Result: As anyone might have predicted, John gets devastated; he's out of his mind with repressed anger. 

But the scenario continues in 221B, where John directs his fury not only at ‘Mary’, but - strangely - also at Sherlock, the reason for which is left unclear. Is it for not telling John this before? Is it a ‘shoot-the-messenger’ sort of rant? In any case, John’s focus seems to be that it now turns out he’s saddled with two psychopaths instead of just the one (Sherlock). In his anger, John starts yelling at Sherlock and even threatening him, while Sherlock – on the brink of another heart collapse - keeps making excuses for ‘Mary’, claiming that she actually saved his life (!) by not going for a head shot, and he claims (with a lame piece of evidence that wouldn’t hold water in any decent court room) that ‘Mary’ actually called the ambulance for him.

Discussion: But why is the focus of John’s reaction on ‘Mary’s’ lying rather than her shooting and almost killing Sherlock? Why isn’t his friend’s life the most important thing here? I think this characterization of John in Sherlock’s scenario is horribly biased and entirely absurd; Dr. Watson would NEVER treat his beloved friend this way - wasting time ranting on ‘Mary’ for lying, while Sherlock was dying from a re-opened shot wound. Especially judging by John’s reaction when he thought Sherlock was dead in TRF. 

The real explanation for this whole ‘don’t-tell-John’ business might rather be quite mundane, but highly dramatized in Sherlock’s Mind Theatre. I believe that telling John ‘the Truth’ might mean, in Sherlock’s subconscious, telling him how he really feels about him. The thought of which is still horrifying to Sherlock. But since Sherlock isn’t in touch with his own feelings yet, this is what his drug-addled brain comes up with instead. Heteronormative bias. Drugs. Sentiment.

I could also think of another possible incriminating fact appearing in Sherlock’s subconscious: What happens if Sherlock tells John about his earlier deduction that John’s wife is pregnant with someone else’s child? This seems to fit with ‘Mary’s excuse for shooting Sherlock instead of accepting his help on the ‘case’ with CAM’s blackmail: “Because John can’t ever know that I lied to him. It would break him and I would lose him forever”. 

I’ll try to explore this idea in a future meta about ‘Mary’s lies. But it could also be that ‘Mary’ is a stand-in for Sherlock in this scene; if murder is a metaphor for falling in love, Sherlock might believe that he would lose John forever if he told John the truth about his real feelings for him. 

Scenario 8: What will happen with John’s marriage, now that he knows about ‘Mary’s secret? Inspiration: This scenario is so absurd that I strongly suspect it’s not based upon Sherlock’s real memories of John (which would be irrelevant anyway, since they have never before experienced a situation like this). It could of course be based upon lots of romantic, stereotype movies where two lovers reconcile in a tearful embrace. 

But it could also be reflecting some childhood event (perhaps at Christmas) in Sherlock’s own family, where his parents agree to gloss over their problems, whatever they might have been, instead of dealing with them. One possibility is suggested in the final part of @sagestreet’s entirely brilliant Follow-the-dogs meta series: that ‘Redbeard’ is basically about Sherlock’s Dad having had a love affair with a man while at the same time being homophobic about it, which has created a trauma in Sherlock. And this also has an important bearing on ACD on a meta level. (I absolutely love this theory! @sagestreet calls it ‘speculation’, but I think he’s rather ‘connecting the sub-textual dots’ hinted at in the whole series to deduce Sherlock’s possible childhood trauma).

[running, running, loong running, involving a distorted time line interlaced with the previous scenario and Sherlock acting as an odd sort of matchmaker, trying to find excuses for ‘Mary’ and doing something very uncharacteristic: inviting John and ‘Mary’ to celebrate Christmas with his own family…]

Result: John doesn’t talk to ‘Mary’ for a long time, but after Sherlock’s persuasion he decides to grudgingly ‘forgive’ her and keeps living together with her, cowed under her dominance and not even knowing her real name. But John’s sense of ‘family duty’ kicks in here, and makes him stay with ‘Mary’ and father the kid. A ‘nice’ and ‘Christmassy’ solution based on lies and, as John says about Sherlock’s parents: “A fine example of married life”.

Discussion: I’ve always wondered what’s so ‘fine’ about Sherlock’s parents’ relationship, though; that Mummy Holmes keeps criticizing her husband in front of others and tells him he’s not even allowed to be humming to himself? That Daddy Holmes made her give up her entire mathematical career ‘for children’? Is this Sherlock’s past family Christmas trauma playing in here? In any case I think it’s a completely awful characterization, that John Watson would ever forgive someone who tried to kill Sherlock and be willing to start a family with them – especially if this person doesn’t show even a shred of remorse over the whole thing. And what does the idea that Sherlock would be willing to drug down his whole family represent? The frustration of a child exposed to his parents’ constant bickering? I don’t know, but drugs and Sentiment - devastating Sentiment – are most likely playing in here.

Scenario 9: What will happen if Media - CAM - start prying into ‘Mary’ Watson’s doings? Inspiration: On the surface, this is about ‘Mary’s secret past; a truly fantastical story about the crimes of a façade-climbing ninja assassin, which CAM threatens to reveal. A veritable ‘Bond adventure’ it would be; a dramatic action movie. But is there perhaps some ‘mundane’ and therefor more likely topic that Media usually loves to speculate about (because it makes lots of money)? Yes I think there is: ‘scandals’; particularly those involving celebrities and their love life. And Sherlock must be painfully aware of this since what happened in TRF:

Imagine what a field day the press would have, for example, speculating about ‘Mary’ cheating on earlier ‘confirmed bachelor’ but now ‘happily married’ John Watson! Imagine what they would make of him not actually being the father of her child, and what this could mean regarding his association with the famous Sherlock Holmes? It would be TRF all over again - but worse this time; the ‘beard’, the ‘façade’ would fall. For the record: I think the main reason why Sherlock stayed away from John for two years was because in TRF media had started speculating about John’s and Sherlock’s relationship and thereby John’s sexual orientation, which John seemed to take very badly. So this scenario could be far more based on Sherlock’s memories of TRF than anything else.

[running, running, looong running of the model this time…]

Result: Media - CAM in Sherlock’s scenarios - now have a leverage on them all; ‘Mary’s secret revealed publicly (whether ‘assassin’ or ‘cheater’) would harm John, which would harm Sherlock, which would harm Mycroft (by association) and might ultimately harm the whole country. Yes - Sherlock is a real drama queen! ;) So the only solution he sees is to kill CAM immediately. In fact, he’d do anything to stop this exposure of John in media.

Discussion: In TSoT, I think Sherlock’s subconscious makes three devastating deductions regarding John (subconscious because in two of these cases he emphasizes that this was one more deduction than he was expecting, and in the other one he drops his glass from the impact of the realization):

1) That a ‘recently divorced doctor’ has ‘erectile dysfunction’. But this might actually be about John, if Sherlock’s subconscious picked up that John might have a bit of a bedroom problem with his newly wed wife.

2) That John is a Mayfly Man; he has been dating a string of lovers to cover up something else. This, together with 1., could make Sherlock suspect that even John’s whole marriage is a cover-up, a façade; these two guys aren’t really into each other, but the marriage protects John from being ‘outed’.   3) That ‘Mary’ is pregnant, which seems to be complete news to John. But if he - a doctor - has no idea he’s going to father a child, one possible explanation of this might be that the baby is actually not John’s. Which would further support deduction 1) and 2) above.

So maybe CAM’s leverage was actually what Sherlock was thinking about in Leinster Gardens? What if ‘Mary’s words here are representing Sherlock’s own fear of what would happen if John’s relationship is exposed in media? 

(Also on a meta level I think this might be important: the threat of media exposure of a gay couple in Victorian times has affected the whole characterization of Sherlock Holmes for over a century). Sherlock thinks his contact with John and his career is over (as in TRF), so he can just as well start killing people (from media, preferably ;) ). And here we have some more awful characterization - this time of Sherlock himself; suddenly he has become a murderer – a bit improper for a famous detective supposed to solve crimes, not committing them, don’t you think? And, on the whole, he acts like an idiot, making blunders that cause him to lose his cases etc. It’s the Sentiment bias again - lots and lots of it, complete with – perhaps life-long - anger, self-loathing and frustration. Poor Sherlock.

Scenario 10: What will happen with Sherlock after he flips out and kills Magnussen? Inspiration: Casablanca, a truly iconic movie from WWII. End scene where Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) and Rick (Humphrey Bogart) bid each other a tearful farewell at the Moroccan airport, from where Ilsa is fleeing the country with her spouse. It’s a ‘forbidden’ romance, and there are no outspoken confessions or declarations between them, no kiss; they hide their true feelings, even though they are very clearly understood. Ilsa will travel to security, Rick will stay in danger, serving his country, and Ilsa will not know if he’s dead or alive. Romantic overload.

Result: After a brief ‘solitary confinement’ in prison (a week, we learn in TAB - suspiciously close to the time I believe John and ‘Mary’ were on honeymoon after the wedding), Mycroft sends him in a private jet to a certain death in Eastern Europe, serving his country. Sherlock takes farewell of John at the tarmac and leaves him in ‘Mary’s hands. He’s about to tell John something important (like a love declaration), but changes his mind and jokes the whole thing away. They shake hands and Sherlock flies off, crying, probably thinking he’s seen John for the last time. But since the issue of Moriarty isn’t resolved yet, Sherlock Holmes is called back…

Discussion: This is so obviously a rip-off from Casablanca’s ending, and such a sentimental and overly-dramatic ending of S3 that if I didn’t believe Sherlock was in a drug-induced comatose state, I’d hold him (or Moffat) responsible for succumbing his modeling to ‘the fly in the ointment’. :)) 

Awful characterization of Mycroft though; why would Sherlock’s over-protective brother have him killed rather than imprisoned? But, most importantly: What are Sherlock’s results after HLV? 

In summary, I think Sherlock’s most important conclusions after this episode are a bit depressing: 1. That John’s relationship with ‘Mary’ isn’t a very happy one, but 2. that Sherlock can’t take any ‘steps’ towards John and he can’t ‘tell’ him anything; the façade must still be kept up at any cost because 3. Media is a serious threat against them and ‘outing’ John would break him and Sherlock would lose him forever.

These scenarios I’ve suggested for HLV to test Prediction #3 may seem a bit farfetched and speculative, and the evidence may not be particularly strong for some of them, while I think they could work for others. But at least all of them make more sense to me character-wise than the presented, face-value reading. Please consider the absurdity of the alternative we’re actually given in HLV: 

That the wife of one of the protagonists is actually a façade-climbing ninja assassin who tries to kill the main character and gets away with it, without showing a shred of remorse. 

That Doctor John Watson would yell threats at his beloved best friend when he’s collapsing from a re-opened shot wound, instead of trying to help him. 

That John Watson would forgive someone – whose name he doesn’t even know - who shot and  almost killed his best friend, and then go on to raise a child with them. 

That Sherlock would let a drug-addict drug down his whole family, including a pregnant woman, at their Christmas dinner.

That the main character – the famous detective Sherlock Holmes – would become a murderer who ‘solves’ a tricky case by blowing the un-armed blackmailer’s brains out with a gun.

That his over-protective brother Mycroft would send him to a certain death in Eastern Europe rather than put him behind bars.

I intend to go on exploring this ‘scenario-running’ for the four remaining episodes, including TAB. But this meta is already ridiculously long, so instead I’ll have to use my following two installments to do this:

Hypothesis # 6: In the show’s ‘reality’, Sherlock is slowly dying, which also has implications on a meta level, and

Hypothesis # 7: By TFP Sherlock has managed to figure out some essential things about John and the importance of staying alive, and he has managed to get in touch with his own repressed emotions.

Because if Sherlock is going to find out how to save John Watson, I believe he still has a lot of things to figure out; in HLV he isn’t ready yet. ;)

Tagging some people who might be interested:

@raggedyblue @ebaeschnbliah @sarahthecoat @gosherlocked @fellshish @sagestreet @tendergingergirl @loveismyrevolution @sherlockshadow @darlingtonsubstitution @tjlcisthenewsexy @devoursjohnlock  @kateis-cakeis @csi-baker-street-babes @sectoralheterochromiairidum @mrskolesouniverse @murphysmom67 @elldotsee

[pollie-pockets]

By far one of my favorote things in she-ra is the different representations of physical touch.

Especialy adoras through adora.

She comes from the hoard. Where shadow weaver manipulated her and catra heavily. Most people know about the hand on the face being used as a metaphone for manupulation in the show. Its so interesting because its a traditionaly affectionant gesture and when viewd by others woukd be seen that way. But it is absoloutely shadow weaver useing her position of power (both in rank, age, and maternal figure status) over the girls.

However this hasnt caused adora to shy away from physical Affection and interaction. She is still shown to be quite physical with catra, obviously livein in very close quarters would make you quite comftable but both adora and catra seem to still seek out comfot in eachothers presence. Often sitting so close that they are touching and holding hands ect even in the youngest flashbacks.

Enjoying eachother, yet not quite enjoying ccontact with shadow weaver, and yet not quite knowing why.

And all through the years this is maintained, till adora leaves the hoard and cones to realise the unhealthy ways of her previous liveing.

However does THIS make her shy away from physical interaction? No. It dosent.

Well, it might have initialy. But bow and glimmer are very physicaly affectionant. and show that to eachother and eventualy to adora in a very healthy way. Being non manipulative, relitively short and not being used to represent emotional codependancy like it was with catra. They show her plentiful physical contact that she is comftable with and alows her to chose what she would like to do. Softening up and even letting glimmer rest on her in the hot springs pretty early on. Something that would not have really happened had adora not let her.

However the metaphore of the hand cupping the face still continues to effect her even once she has come a long way, but shows her understanding of both good and bad contact. Something while she was in the hoard she probably couldnt quite understand.

And althought this could just ve my personal interpretation, i percieve adora and catras contact at the end to be a little different to at the start. Although alot of it is fights and leading eachother. Their contact at the end while obviously more romantic in the generic sense, it feels much healthier. When they were children alot of their contact excludeing fights and leading were for comfort. Adora comforting catra mostly. But the contact in these situation was to recieve immediate comfort and support and reassurance from the other, putting an arm over catra, whipeing away tears type actions. Where as when they are older, the affection is not as much one supporting the other, holding eachother, a mutualy supportive acction.

The the other major point of interest when it comes to physical cintact in the thow is glinmer. Glimmer is the one who i noted to give out the most physical interaction in the show comparitively. Both as a direct form of affection and casualy. This lead me to personaly believe she has a touch based love language but thats up to your own interpretation i guess. But she is noted to deliver lots of contact to everyone around her. Already engageing in it frequently with bow upon their introduction.

And glimmer later likely being the catylist for adora being able to understand healthy touch due to her both demonstrateing it and offering it to adora. Then extending it to others outside their close circle, being comftable touching strangers and the other princesses on multiple occasions. And later on being the first non hoard person to give catra affection through a hug a kiss on the cheek when they make is back to home.

I also find that while the the sitting seperated back to back trope is very fun, catra and glimmer didnt have much of a need to sit so close to each other, putting hands on the cell door ect, it ms a craveing for physical contact they arent recieveing right there.

Which brings me into catra and her relationship with it.

Catra is similar yet so different to adora. She grew up in the same circunstance and so had to deal with the issues coneing with not understanding that she was being manipulated by the woman giveing her maternal affections. However she never escaped to a loveing group of friends the way adora did. She continued to live in the hoard but no longer had her one suppirt with her. She notably resuses all interaction with scorpia while offered wholehearted and honestly. She refuses. For she does not feel the desire for supoort from scorpia she likely assosiates physical contact with from adora. Then when she gains adora back again, she is both conftable with the contact very quickly after makeind her amends when she comes out to eat with everyone. Sitting in adoras lap and whacking her tail about adoras nose very soon after. And even warming up to glimmer and bow. Who both show her physical affection, not refuseing it as blatantly as she did with scorpia despite looking confused while its happening in most instances, eg glimmers smooch and bow and glimmer cheering her.

Entrapta is a interesting charater when it cones to physical contact, usualy choseing to interact with her hair over her body with mosty charaters, slowing interacting more with hordak , however as this is strongly tied with her being autistic coded i will leave that story to be told by the many other imensely more in the know folks then i on the matter.

Scorpia is another chatater with a strong relationship with physicak contact. One of her defineing traits is shes a "hugger" showing she also has an immense want for physical contact. I personaly believe she also has a contact based love language. She is the only charater shown with a stuffed toy of sentimental value, and while thats because its relevant to her childhood, shes shown to hug it. Gainig comfort that way. So when she tries to comfort charater throughout the show her go to method is huging and physical contact. Showing her affection and aporeciacion of catra, perfuma, and even swift wind through physicalncintact of some form. It woukd really be so saddening when her hard exoskeleton exterior deturs people from wating to recieve and give contact to/from others. Everybody give her a hug.

also a point i didnt quite have the spot to put, i find bow and glimmer bering very touchy at the end just before a hinted establishment of their relationship furthers my thoughts on love languages and i just think its and interesting represetation of a psuedo establishing relationships. (Lets be real the fact that the gay relationships are confirmed and undenyabke and the stRAIGHT ones are the emplied ones is pretty refreshing) Also glimmer clearly shuffeling possibly subconsiouly towards bow in bed and them him reaching out to giver her the contact she was looking for, both interesting to my point of extensively deep relationships with contact being portrayed and also im soft,,,

Anyway this is much longer then i initialy planned it to be. Its was just gonna be adora at first. Then i got carried away. Its been ages scince ive watched alot of stuff so will eventualy re watch and upsate this post and maybe even add more charaters. But i hope you enjoyed my silly interpretations.

[bfknj]

tags masterpost (?)

I was tagged in a few tag games over the past few days and instead of posting them all separately I decided to just put them all on one! If I tagged you feel free to do any or all of these (including people who tagged me!!) As always, don’t feel any pressure to do any, I just think these are fun and wanted to share :)

- - - - 11 questions tag - - - -

Rules: 1. Make sure to post the rules!! 2. Answer the questions given to you by the tagger. 3. Write 11 questions of your own. 4. Tag 11 people

these questions are from @moonmyun !! michaela you had me stRUGGLIN OKAY YOUR QUESTIONS WERE HARD but ily still bless you for the tag you angel :”)

1 who is your bias group? why?

BANGTAN SONYEONDAN AKA MEME SQUAD !!!!!!! honestly they just make me so beyond happy wow holly nobody ever says that about their favs ur original a LOOOT of music is centered around love these days and not to say bts doesn’t do that with a lot of their music but they also tackle a lot of societal issues and I really respect them for that. From 21st century girls w politics, spring day mv and the ferry sinking, suicide in the I need u mv and many other things I feel like they take risks for the sake of portraying what they hold true to their hearts/morals not necessarily what will sell best and I can’t name many other groups who do that as well :( also my boys cute af I love those dweebs IM SO WHIPPED HAH

2 which kpop video do you find the most aesthetically pleasing?

this is hard :(( idk my number one but I really like seventeen hip hop unit’s check in, red velvet’s one of these nights, ladies code’s galaxy, kim lip of loona’s eclipse and crush’s fall ! they don't all match my aesthetic but I feel like they match the songs really well!!! watch them okay 3/5 of them are hELLA UNDERRATED bye

3 if you could instantly learn one choreography, what would you pick?

something by either gfriend or bts?? love whisper or not today or blood sweat tears?? OOOH or red flavor by rv!! tbh though I’m really skinny so my limbs look weird af with a lot of dances rip

4 who do you look up to as a role model (in the kpop community or not)?

there’s no person in particular that really sticks out but I will say I’ve always admired jungkook, and really all trainees for that matter, who leave their families to start training really young because its a process thats hard physically, emotionally and mentally for late teen/early twenties trainees but there’s sO many kids who enter in their pre-teens and idk how they survive also I realized this doesn’t answer your question at all I'm sorry its 1:28 AM I’m just waiting for the DNA mv to drop

5 whose concert would you go to if you could and why?

DAY6 DAY6 DAY6 DAY6 !!!!! THEY INVENTED LIVE SHOWS DONT FIGHT ME ON THIS or shoot maybe dean or crush or heize?? I LOVE TOO MANY TALENTED PEOPLE also I would say bts but although there are countless amazing beautiful armys there are def some crazy scary ones that are known to be horrible at concerts so

6 if you could pick one idol to be best friends with, who would it be and why?

OK YALL IVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A LOT IN MY DAILY LIFE SO S/H TO MICHAELA FOR ASKING ILY either boo seungkwan or ahn heeyeon!! I feel like hani would be so fun to have girl time with bc I feel like we’re really similar in some ways ?? IDK I LOVE HER bUT overall I’d say boo seungkwan because istg we are 100000000% the same person only he has a weenie ok just trust me I am boo and boo is me

7 would you want to be a part of a kpop group if you had the opportunity to be?

I’d absolutely love to be in the entertainment industry and I think the staging, costuming, group dynamics and publicity (variety shows, fan service/interations) in the kpop industry are all really cool but I honestly don't think I have the mental strength to do it lmao idols go through so much and I don’t think I could handle it regardless of how much I enjoy singing/dancing/performing etc.

8 what languages do you speak, and which do you want to learn?

english and some spanish??? I understand a lot because quite a bit of my family speaks it but my conversational skills have gone downhill recently because I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to practice :( with that said, I’d like to be fluent in spanish and - BEFORE YOU COME FOR ME READ IT ALL OK - I’d like to learn korean BECAUSE!!!!! when I was little before I moved I would go to a farmers market by my house and a lot of the older ladies there spoke korean and little holly though it sounded so pretty and I always wanted to chat w them ok THATS WHY I’m not a creepy koreaboo this has been a thing since before I even knew what a kpop was ok bye 

9 what song cheers you up when you’re sad?

fire by bts bc I get hella turnt to that song its a pROBLEM also jackpot by block b, baby/puss in boots by astro, chained up by vixx, not today/bst by bts, knock knock by twice, i think I love you by sonamoo THE LIST GOES ON I HAVE A WHOLE PLAYLIST OK

10 what things do you associate with your bias?

dimples!! pretty hands, closing one eye in selcas, ootds, happiness so cheesy ik sORRY, ryan, studying, awkward dancing, open mouth laughs, second hand embarrassment, sentimental rants

11 what’s your favourite thing to do in your free time?

cry over namjoon tbh I’m one of those people who is constantly listening to music so I’m always doing that and singing along regardless of if its free time or not HAH then I really like reading and catching up on my youtube subscriptions

my questions!

what is your dream job?

favorite book of all time?

what is your current fashion like and what is your dream fashion?

if your best friend was cloned, how would you know which one of the two was your best friend?

what song got you into kpop?

which idol do you think is most similar to you?

favorite kpop lyrics?

if given the opportunity to collaborate with any group/soloist of your choice, who would you choose and why?

what is your favorite physical and character trait of your ult?

which underrated groups/soloists do you believe deserve more recognition? any song recs?

do you read fanfics? if so, what are your favorites?

- - - - song title game - - - -

I was tagged by @kihani, your song choices were 12/10 

rules: spell you your url with kpop songs and tag ten people! (all of these happen to by song recs too so listen nd be happy friends)

mysterious - hello venus

i think i love you? - sonamoo (a fav ok listen pls)

life in color - beenzino

knock - knk 

jelly - hotshot

only u - daze

out of sorts - vixx

night rather than day - exid

she’s a baby - zico

- - - - get to know me tag! - - - -

1ST RULE: Tag 10 people you want to get to know better.

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true. tagged by @sleepysugarmoon, thank you friend!! APPEARANCE: I am 5'7" or taller I wear glasses (or contact lenses) I have at least one tattoo I have at least one piercing I have blonde hair I have brown eyes I have short hair My abs are at least somewhat defined I have or have had braces PERSONALITY: I love meeting new people  People tell me that I’m funny   Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me I enjoy physical challenges I enjoy mental challenges I’m playfully rude with people I know well I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it ABILITY: I can sing well I can play an instrument  I can do over 30 pushups without stopping I’m a fast runner I can draw well I have a good memory I’m good at doing math in my head I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch I know how to throw a proper punch HOBBIES: I enjoy playing sports I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else I have learned a new song in the past week I work out at least once a week I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months I have drawn something in the past month Fandoms are my #1 passion  I do or have done martial arts EXPERIENCES: I have had my first kiss I have had alcohol I have scored the winning goal in a sports game I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting I have been at an overnight event I have been in a taxi I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year I have beaten a video game in one day I have visited another country I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts RELATIONSHIPS: I’m in a relationship I have a crush on a celebrity I have a crush on someone I know I have been in at least 3 relationships I have never been in a relationship I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them I get crushes easily I have had a crush on someone for over a year I have been in a relationship for at least a year I have had feelings for a friend MY LIFE: I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” I live close to my school My parents are still together I have at least one sibling I live in the United States There is snow right now where I live I have hung out with a friend in the past month I have a smartphone I have at least 15 CDs I share my room with someone RANDOM SHIT: I have breakdanced I have had a teacher with the last name that’s hard to pronounce I have dyed my hair I’m listening to one song on repeat right now I have punched someone in the past week I know someone who has gone to jail I have broken a bone I have eaten a waffle today I know what I want to do with my life I speak at least 2 languages I have made a new friend in the past year

tagging some mutuals bc ily and why do you even follow me I'm a wreck tbh OK i tag: @kihani, @21jd, @lapatronakim, @94seulqi, @gayoongi, @springdqy, @medina-kim, @15minss, @je0n, @cottontae, @taebaeul, @booty-baekery, @lalisl, @babekhyun, @voidpjm and anyone else who wants to try any or all of these!! 

[swampgallows]

why do you like garrosh so much pt. 2

to expand a little bit (okay a lot) on anon’s question (which, again, I could do until i typed the skin off my fingers), i will EMBARRASSINGLY ADMIT that i have a 40k+ word ffffaaaannn fiiiiccctiioonnn ive been writing for almost a year now that delves into a lot of my ~headcanon~ and self-indulgence regarding garrosh and his character. i began writing it in the first place to try to identify what my feelings were about him, just stream of consciousness as most of my writing goes. but it got longer and longer, and i tried to make it in reference to a second person, to an amorphous “you”. from there it became a reader-insert story for cathartic garbage (or catharbage as i endearingly refer to it) with about ten different notepad docs dedicated to it and its many drafts. one of these docs is a series of notes to further attempt to analyze my own thinking. the contents are below. es muy largo (over 2k words, plus a 500 word chatlog).

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I had begun playing World of Warcraft in late 2005 and quit in early 2009, just before the release of The Secrets of Ulduar/the Argent Tournament (Patch 3.1.0, released April 2009). Most of my playtime occurred while I was in high school, and upon my first year of college/university I felt I needed to close that chapter of my life and move on.

I kept zero tabs on the goings-on of WoW or those who still played. Something about dragons, goblins, canon pandaren. I was slaving my way through college, mental illness, and abusive relationships (if I had to grade my quality of Self during this time, I’d say it was hovering around the low-C, high-D range).

In September of 2014, I started a new job, had long finished college, and escaped my abusers. Inevitably I returned to Azeroth, and thus a new chapter of my life began.

The culture shock was jarring, to say the least.

Not only was I flooded with a deluge of high school memories, obsolete items (hunter ammo, anyone?), and a friends list like a graveyard (some names legitimately of the deceased), I had to play catch-up for two and a half expansions and five solid years' worth of content. I jumped haphazardly throughout the zones, surveying the damage from the Cataclysm (atop my flying mount!), exploring old raids, and leveling my then-capped 80 main to 90 in preparation for the new Draenor. 

Polar Bear Syndrome took hold in the form of Garrosh Hellscream. He was everywhere and nowhere all at once, name-dropped constantly but tangibly elusive, yet I didn't for the life of me piece together who that was (no thanks to that atrocious, beady-eyed Cataclysm model). Apparently he was the new Warchief ("where is Thrall?!" became a growing concern) but it took a skim through WoWWiki to realize this warmongering bigot was, apparently, the same Overlord of the Warsong Offensive in Borean Tundra that I recalled from many years ago; the "same Garrosh that spent half his life crying into a campfire in Outland", quoth WoWhead user TGFseb15.

I spent over a year trying to digest this character shift. On top of everything else, due to some sleep aids I was trying out at the time, the “Polar Bear” sightings of Garrosh extended into my dreams. I did hours of reading and research, questions becoming insurmountable rather than answered. How did this happen? Why was he like this? Why is he showing up in my dreams? Of course, all this racking of my brain resulted in more dreams, more conundrums. 

In October 2016 I began writing this story in lieu of being able to talk to the man (orc?) himself and ask, "Dude, WTF happened?". In attempting to reconcile my feelings, I had to sacrifice my wishful thinking for who and what the <Son of Hellscream> from all those years ago had become, and accept what had drawn me to him initially: his instability and his depression.  

Garrosh's core character, from all that I can gather, is that he is unstable and miserable. From start to finish, Garrosh is miserable. It is the only way I can imagine the descent of a fearful, suicidal orphan into the fully hardened numbness and apathy and hatred of a genocidal sociopath.

However, I am not attempting to garner any sympathy for Warchief Hellscream (or even the Overlord Hellscream of the Wrath era). My wish fulfillment and "head canon" extends only as far as my attempts to rationalize the myriad conflicting storylines Garrosh was subject to throughout the years and unify them into one semi-coherent character. 

I love that Garrosh was canonically chronically ill as a child (I was too); I love that he was (is?) mentally ill (I was/am too); I love that Garrosh is one of the major canon explorations of the less-than-glorious ramifications of war on an individual level, as memorable to me as the quest for Mankrik's wife. 

When I first played through Burning Crusade ten years ago, I thought his presence was an Easter egg, a callback to those who had played through Warcraft 3 and remember Grom’s sacrifice to ask themselves, “What about those who remember life before the demon blood? Is Grom truly a hero, or is he simply repaying a debt?” (As many a comedian have put it, there is applause for recovery; there is no applause for never having been an addict.)

And to have Grommash’s son, of all potential critics, take the brunt of that, was a bold and interesting consideration. On top of everything it reconnected Thrall to his family: his true name, his biological grandmother, and his “nephew” Garrosh (although by all accounts Garrosh cannot possibly be younger than Thrall). But it also introduced a kind of storyline that I hadn’t seen previously in WoW: we didn’t get a quest to lead Garrosh from the village and make his death look like an accident; we didn’t challenge him for leadership; we didn’t stage a coup; we didn’t even accept the role of Mag’hari chieftain when he offered it to us (unlike our veneration in Ogri’la). Everyone asked you to simply do what Garrosh, “The Impotent Leader”, could not. He was incompetent, but he was protected. He, like everyone else in his village, is doing his best to survive in spite of his affliction, be it physical or mental destitution.

I remember thinking he was Geyah’s son/grandson until the reveal that Garad was her husband, and Durotan her son. Yet from her quest text she had so much faith in Garrosh that I was convinced they were related, especially because he had no faith in himself.

There are three pieces of quest text that have stuck out to me and remain lodged in my brain over the years, paraphrased as follows:

• “Curse you, and curse your ancestors! Only blood can cool my rage, so if that is your wish then... Throw yourself into the heart of the Skullsplitters in the east. [...] May he tear off your limbs and leave you to rot and be eaten by carrion.” — Speaking with Gan’zulah, a defunct quest part of the Saving Yenniku questline • “If you are ever captured by Legion, tell them ‘Xar il romath da tidesbi.’ They will kill you instantly for insulting their god, sparing you intolerable torture or worse.” — Commander To’arch, Hellfire Peninsula [I once posted this line in a creepypasta thread on /x/ circa 2007 lmao] • “Everyone is proud. Proud that we may live to see another winter. But beyond that, what is there? Maybe you should lead this clan, [Arete]. Maybe then I will be allowed to die when the Greatmother passes. Allowed to finally erase the shame of my family name. I long for such peace.” — The Inconsolable Chieftain, [now] penultimate quest in the Garadar questline

You see where I'm going with this.

The only other quest I can think of that stirred such morbid anguish in me comparable to Garrosh’s was the starting quest in Tirisfal Glades where you collect duskbat wings/pelts to stitch into blankets for Gretchen Dedmar, who is succumbing to the chill of Mindlessness/reverting to Scourge. Until WotLK, the motif of “hopelessness” was not one I had personally seen much of in WoW, despite playing a Forsaken. There were sad, sentimental moments. But moments of failure, of bleak resignation, were few and far between. And the most that I did find were in reference to the Scourge or major events that had already occurred (Stratholme, the Sundering, etc.). 

Garrosh and Mankrik’s problems were domestic; pedestrian, almost, like gathering the cactus apples in Razor Hill or disrupting the love triangle of trolls at Swamprat Post. Most of all, they were personal. Mankrik wanted his wife to come home safe. Garrosh does not want to turn out like his father. Mankrik must defend his home from angry quilboar and marauding centaur. Garrosh must defend his village from invading ogres while resisting the urge to off himself for the sake of his people.

And, again, because I main a Forsaken, my WotLK starting zone was Howling Fjord (this is also what I played in the LK beta). I must have done the Borean Tundra quests in a blur because I have no memory of them from that time period, other than Kalu’ak dailies, DEHTA quests, and Saurfang and Garrosh’s conversation in the foyer of Warsong Hold. [Note: I have very little memory of 2009-2010 for other reasons. Reasons much like The Inconsolable Chieftain. And by that I mean suicidal depression. HAHA.] Other than that, I gave Garrosh little to no concern during my few months of WotLK. I saw that Blizzard had carried Garrosh over from the portal to Azeroth to assist in Northrend, and I took it in the same type of stride as “Oh, how nice of them to include this Easter egg for the players. The orc we saved followed Thrall into Azeroth." I had also, apparently, missed the mak’gora.

But it's not as if I had forgotten about Garrosh; I did work my way to becoming exalted with the Mag'har during Burning Crusade to earn a talbuk, and I spent countless hours outside Garadar fishing up and cooking poached bluefish for my raiding boyfriend at the time. “Trading kandi with ogres” was how I referred to grinding obsidian warbeads for rep. And every time I went past the campfire to Warden Bullrok to turn them in, I would /hug Garrosh (and stick around for the Thrall event, should it have been ongoing). 

And Garrosh did not forget about me, either. 

Do not think that I have forgotten what you did for my people in Nagrand, [Arete]. Hellscream never forgets. For that I am indebted to you and it is why I give you this chance now: run. Leave this place and never look back. Return to your home and say a prayer for the dying. (x)

Garrosh apparently talked a lot of big game in WotLK, but I did not bear any witness to it before quitting. I had barely made it into Sholazar Basin and did not touch Icecrown, the Storm Peaks, or Wintergrasp. So the way I interpreted this opening statement from Hellscream was him admitting to me, his friend, someone that he knew he could trust, who knew him as he was before, that he was afraid. After all of Thrall’s encouragement, and Garrosh getting the confidence to leave his village and give himself to the Horde, feeling his namesake redeemed, feeling a future was possible, Garrosh was still terrified. “You got roped up in my business once before, and I am thankful it worked out for the both of us. But I got myself into this mess and I cannot have you bail me out again.” He took a leap in a rogue moment of assurance and then, upon settling back into his depressive median, steps back and thinks, “I have made a terrible mistake.” (>when youre feeling good and make plans >when those plans actually arrive and you have to be social)

This is further heightened by Garrosh’s response to the player if they have not completed the quest chain:

A hero of the Horde, eh? <Garrosh sniffs at the air around you.> Fear... <Garrosh spits.> You won't last long. (x)

He himself is most definitely afraid. But he does not trust you, so this is how he tells you. He accuses you. He affirms this aloud, for himself, passing the blame to you. Anyone would fear standing at the Lich King’s doorstep, most certainly an orc who has known starvation and disease and death and shame, but also blue skies and white clouds and bright sunshine.

The red of Durotar was dismal enough. The gray endless death is even more difficult to bear.

And so, this is the mindset and place where my story begins: after Burning Crusade, after the first mak’gora with Thrall, after the summit in the comics, after clawing their way through the kvaldir and erecting Warsong Hold, but before Garrosh and Saurfang’s conversation, and before the rest of the Horde reinforcements (the players) arrive. I wanted to capture that tenuous period of Garrosh’s ego boost having only barely thrust him out of his dysthymic doldrums, still wrestling with his twenty-plus years of self-resentment, still trying neurotypicality (for lack of a better word) on for size like a garment in need of tailoring. Garrosh yearns to run with the pack but is a coyote among wolves.

This is the Garrosh I knew and remembered. So when I came back to Azeroth... well, you know the rest.

==============

Valkosk - 01/17/2017 It was Garrosh first command experience where he was trying to prove himself amongst his war seasoned clan that he had the brutal edge needed to command the Warsong or Blizzard's writing team didn't think about over arching storyline for their individual heroes. Might be that second one. Keelhaul - 01/17/2017 All he did in Warsong Hold was turtle. He literally brags about it. Arete - 8:52 PM

Keelhaul - 2:43 PM Boreal Tundra Garrosh to player: "I hate you. I'm ignoring everybody who wants to help/needs our help. Later, I'll send you on a suicide mission." Borean Tundra Saurfang to player: "Ignore Garrosh, he's being a bitch again. Here is how you can help us, and also there are others you can probably help in the other room. Later, I'll go behind Garrosh's back to save you from death." Saurfang is the true hero of the Warsong Offensive. Seriously, every quest in that zone comes down to "we need to clean up Garrosh's mess" or "Garrosh is refusing to do anything productive, so we need to go help _ ourselves."

SOURCE? cause garry told ME to go home & pray for my family because he loves me

Keelhaul - 9:05 PM [links the Foolish Endeavors quest dialogue]

Arete - 9:13 PM wtf is a flenser is varidus an elite? is that why you say he sends you to your death alone? or do other npcs call it a suicide mission? i gotta get my characters up to 70 so i can play through the wotlk campaigns again its been almost 10 years since i did saurfang is such a good dad omg

Keelhaul - 9:17 PM You deliver him intelligence some of the Forsaken spies died to deliver, basically saying that a Necrolord is found and such-and-such place. They ask Garrosh for help, he says "I'm just going to send you." The one Forsaken agent spying on him is stunned to learn that you're the only one coming to help, so he moreorless just assumes you're both going to die. The fight begins, and it's immediately obvious that you can't win. The boss stuns both of you, tells an assistant to take you away. The assistant reveals himself as Saurfang, and then basically carries you for the whole fight.

Arete - 9:18 PM damn saurfang is such a fuckin bro garry trusts me because i am strong

Keelhaul - 9:20 PM He's a tool to everyone who didn't see him as a bitch in Nagrand. :stuck_out_tongue:

Arete - 9:21 PM fuckin yikes!!! he was a lil bitch but i was too some of us were beginning our descents into mental illness alongside Garrosh <Son of Hellscream> in Garadar :sob: i mean there's no denying he's a piece of shit idiot post-wotlk he's an incorrigible racist asshole in pandaria it really sucked fo rme to find a character i identified with 10 years prior had been taken down the route he was i had quit wow before the release of ulduar & came back in WoD because i heard there would be new models. i knew nothing about the new xpac storyline or anything that had transpired past black temple so IMAGInE MY SURPRISE WHEn A CHARACTER I THOUGHT WAS JUST An EASTER EGG FOR OnE OF THE MOST MEMORABLE QUESTLInES In ALL OF TBC IS REVEALED TO LITERALLY BE A GEnOCIDAL FASCIST DICTATOR "hey things worked out well for hellscream!!! maybe, despite my depression, things can work out for me too!" 'HAHA nOOOOO BITCH' its just so sad, like what a shame :frowning: im still tryna cope

[end log]

[deborahdeshoftim5779]

Responses- The Marvel of Trelsi Part IV

Response to this post from BoltonEvans.

“A few assorted notes, because I just can’t keep my big mouth shut:”

:D I love these responses. 

“Gabriella really doesn’t have any real respect for Kelsi or Ryan’s talent and hard work when it isn’t directly benefitting her to care about it. But, then, she doesn’t really care about anyone other than herself, either.”

The ease with which Gabriella abandons her performing commitments, despite being considered to have a love of performing astounds me. In EVERY movie, she quits for reasons that should not actually diminish her love of theatre. If every actor quit their upcoming project because of real/perceived relationship problems, we would have no films, musicals or theatre performances. The result of this selfishness is that Kelsi’s work is almost wasted on three occasions: 1)- Kelsi was excited to have competition against Sharpay and wanted to help Gabriella get the best chance to shine. Gabriella quit because suspiciously timed webcam, 2)- Kelsi took her OWN TIME to write a song for Troy and Gabriella (composing takes HOURS), only for Gabriella to quit because Italian golf shoes. This is a song that Gabriella had initially been so eager to hear. I suppose I can give Gabriella credit for managing to learn “Everyday”, but she should never have quit in the first place, 3)- Kelsi wrote music for another musical, took the trouble to pour her heart and soul into the best possible song to show off (Troy and) Gabriella’s talents, only for Gabriella to quit halfway through again because me, me, me. Not to disparage her academic pursuits, but she refused to return for prom, the musical and the graduation. The evidence is STARING KELSI IN THE FACE, and she still overlooks this each time. What will it honestly take for Kelsi to realize Gabriella simply doesn’t value her hard work and talent enough to even show up for commitments in which she wished to take part?

“One minor correction; Troy says, “The Garden Club is rooting for you.” And, that line, in and of itself, is something I talk mild issue with, since it was the Science Club maintaining the rooftop garden, in the first movie. But, this is the level of continuity I’ve come to expect from the man who changed the spelling of a secondary character’s surname between films.”

Haha! Christ! 

Thanks for the correction. Noted. 

“I’m extremely happy that you mentioned Troy and Ryan’s relationship as an exception to the consistent undermining of the messages of teamwork and friendship this series attempts to drill into the viewers’ heads. I did a thorough breakdown of how the sentiment, “We’re All In This Together” rings profoundly hollow in numerous areas...

 ...And, the little things, like absolutely no one helping Ryan up, or even asking if he was okay, after he face-planted and stained his immaculate white outfit, and the entire senior class save Ryan (who was flustered at the sight of essentially naked male bodies, more than anything else) finding the humiliation of two sophomores absolutely hysterical...

...Regardless, I appreciate the nod to the relationship this fandom collectively ignores altogether when, in actuality, it’s one of the most organic, healthy, and mutually beneficial relationships in the entire series.”

Please do share that link with me when you find it. Yes, I like several things about Troy and Ryan’s friendship: that Troy likes Ryan based on his own merits and not as an accessory to Sharpay, that Ryan doesn’t hold Troy to ludicrous standards or force him into apologizing for things he didn’t do. Chad, Gabriella and the Wildcats became friends with Ryan when they realized they could benefit from his talent and hard work. As for the fandom ignoring this-- well, I don’t know why. They appear to get along very well as far as I can see.

 “Though, I do headcanon, based on Troy making the call to “bring in Rocketman”, during the state championship game in the third movie, that Troy is the team’s key strategist. He often makes the calls that win the day for the Wildcats. This was what got him voted team captain. Therefore, Chad and Coach Bolton ostensibly believing that the entire team is sunk without Troy at the helm, makes a bit more sense.”

That’s a good point, but Coach Bolton is also a strategist and should know better than to not have a Plan B. Not to mention how all this outrage is based on Troy is just rehearsing a couple of songs, with no certainty yet as to whether he might even get the role!

“Kelsi refusing to unfairly malign Troy and keeping up some level of communication with him while everyone else has chosen to give him the cold shoulder is one of the standout Kelsi/Troy moments for me. It shows that, despite her earlier questionable action of taking Troy to task over the requirements of her employment at Lava Springs when he wasn’t even the one who got her the job, she’s loyal to Troy. She didn’t immediately write him off for prioritizing his future, and doesn’t subscribe to groupthink and a mob mentality. She’s honestly one of the only two friends Troy has who acts like a legitimate friend to him, and it will forever pain me how little screentime Troy actually shares with these two characters.”

Kelsi’s earlier decision to blame Troy for a job Sharpay gave her is ridiculous, and I don’t mind saying so. Had she forgotten that Sharpay gave her the job, or was she arguing on behalf of the other Wildcats who were angry? Was she trying to show solidarity with the team? No explanation is given, but that’s usually the case, because the screenwriters didn’t give a toss about Kelsi’s life outside of the main plot. 

“My one and only issue with romantic Troy/Kelsi (aside from my preference for Troy/Ryan and me not quite seeing anything romantic on Troy’s end when he interacts with Kelsi) is Kelsi’s idolization of Gabriella and Troy and Gabriella’s relationship. Whether you view Gabriella as psychologically abusive, or not, the damage she has done to Troy’s self-esteem and image of himself is undeniable. If Troy is ever going to begin recovering from this damage, he’d need a solid, stable support system who would be willing to call Gabriella out on her hypocrisy and mistreatment of him. He would need someone who is quick to point out that a lot of the things Gabriella did were selfish and wrong and Troy is totally undeserving of all of the pain and grief Gabriella caused him. As much as Kelsi cares about Troy, I can’t see her being willing to acknowledge Gabriella’s faults. Admitting that Troy and Gabriella’s relationship isn’t the picture-perfect fairy tale romance that inspires her best musical selections would shatter her entire worldview. She’s still Gabriella’s friend, as well as Troy’s, and I could see her struggling to cope with the reality that Gabriella has hurt Troy in major, major ways. She’d want to be there for Troy, of course, but while comforting him, she’d be nursing the wounds of her own betrayal, and it would take her probably just as long to finally realize that Gabriella wasn’t the sweet, compassionate, brilliant person who changed everyone at East High for the better that Kelsi thought she was, as it would take Troy to realize that Gabriella wasn’t always right and that he deserves so much better.”

This comment covers A LOT of things I will discuss later with regards to romantic Trelsi. I am VERY particular when it comes to how I believe these two would work as a couple, as I will explain later. However, I have touched on the issues you raise in my Thou Shalts/Thou Shalt Nots. It might not come across in my posts, but I don’t think the Trelsi ship would be flawless at all and much of what you’ve said here explains why. Kelsi IS incapable of criticizing Gabriella, and that does present a significant drawback. However, the fact that as his friend, she is also unable to criticize Gabriella is equally, if not more, problematic, because it limits how well she can help him heal. Whether it’s Trelsi friendship or romance, in a realistic portrayal, Kelsi would suffer for her hero worship either way. (As would Troy). That’’s why I don’t like gooey, saccharine Trelsi fics, because they don’t highlight these problems. They just replace one superficial portrayal with another. 

“I love the idea of Troy being there to console Kelsi when her relationship with Jason dissolves for whatever reason. That’s a wonderful headcanon. I could also see Ryan potentially offering her the needed emotional support.”

Thanks, although it was mostly your analysis that prompted me. My analysis of Kelsi and Jason is upcoming in future posts, because that links to the potential of Trelsi romance.

Love that picture!