#It’ll be different every time
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Maybe once you’ve had a first conversation?? Cause just chatting is easier through Discord, I guess, and if you like to talk then you ask for peeps’ Discord? It might be different from friend to friend, but that’s what I’d hazard a guess at.
ive gotten so out of the loop with making tumblr and artist friends. at what point can you ask for someones discord. at what point can u add someone as a friend. help
#You can make someone a friend after any point#Those are your blorbo friends!#I mean#It’ll be different every time#But people like to make blorbo friends#Right?#Gosh I hope I’m coherent here.
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Spoilers for the Lake House DLC trailer (alan wake 2). I am! so! excited! Something I’ve loved about the Alan Wake games is its portrayal of different art forms and how they impact real life through the dark place, and the artists’ mindset. Cant wait to see how this expansion will include paintings, especially after how striking the paintings were in the first game from a patient at Hartman’s facility. All the blood and bodies in the hallway with the blue paint mixed in. chefs kiss. that’s art
#Alan wake has primarily touched on writing + music + gaming#and photography + film in the sequel#so paintings/drawings/animation has always been something I’ve been curious to see in game#I’m sure the effect will be almost the same but I wanna know HOW paintings can be used for it#also I’m cursed with being reminded of ghostbusters 2 every time something is a haunted painting#lake house dlc#getting to play as Kiran is still a joy#big win for lesbians#but also it’ll be interesting to have an entire dlc for a character who’s not the protagonist#like night springs was goofy with different characters#but this is some of the actual story reinterpreted from a different characters perspective#it’ll be fascinating to see. I loved estevez’s personality from what we saw#I remember seeing comments when aw2 dropped calling her mean but. imo she was VERY on board with how weird things got#and dropped the professional FBC front almost immediately lmaooooo. she’s great#alan wake 2 spoilers
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god i cannot wait to be off these steroids…
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- it’s late n i’m kinda pent up abt this#i’m so TIRED of themmmm#i’m probs gonna be on them for the rest of the year. which SUCKSSS#i don’t like how many ppl comment on the moon face#i don’t mind it. like i look in a mirror and i’m okay.#it’s a little weird. but like. just because it’s different. like getting used to a new haircut#but every time i see someone for the first time in a bit it’s ��woah your face got rounder’#and i have to go ‘oh yeah it’s water retention- steroids thing it’ll go away when i’m able to go off ‘em’#and they go ‘oh alright :) you still look good btw don’t worry’#and i just. i HATE how people talk about it!! like jfc. it’s so clear that they think it’s like kinda sad#my dad said he thinks it’s cute and he’s the only one i actually think is telling the truth there#my mom and i agree that it doesn’t matter. but even then she tries to tell me not to panic#like a little extra squish in my face is something to panic over#it’s so clear that so many people see it as another thing to pity#oh poor thing. has that chronic illness for the rest of her life. and the steroids made her jaw look rounder :(#like jfc i knew fatphobia was prevalent but come the fuck on. literally i’m like barely retaining water for steroids too#like. i’m still very much skinny (i JUST finished being malnourished ffs) but bc i’m retaining water in my face#now ppl feel the need to comfort me. over this tiny cosmetic thing that does not matter#like. i wouldn’t feel weird abt it if it weren’t for everyone else making it such a THING. why is everyone so weird about it#i’m not insecure about it but when ppl try to comfort me or go ‘it’s not that bad’ it makes me feel like i’m SUPPOSED to be insecure abt it#and it drives me NUTS. bc there are things about being on steroids that i would love to be comforted about#but the water retention is not one of them. i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the water retention#y’know what i’d like to be comforted over? the mood swings. the irritability. the insomnia. the appetite fluctuation#the slow healing of skin. thinning and dryness in the skin. having to take like 3 other medications alongside the steroid#bc taking the steroid causes side effects that need to be medically treated or prevented#even outside of the steroid! i’d like some comfort about having to build back my stamina from scratch#i’d like some comfort about having the worst balance i’ve had in years#there’s. more to this. but i’m out of tags. maybe i’ll make some replies idk. i’m just. UGH
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Both love and hate the absolute DELUGE of ink a fresh sharpie unleashes onto the paper the instant it makes contact…. I have complicated feelings towards the deluge lmao
#pepper words#it might not even only be fresh sharpies idk. I don’t remember… it might always be a deluge#until it starts to die#I use to ONLY use sharpies to draw traditionally for like the longest time. but then I got fancy pens and shit.#that dont piss out all there ink instantly#it’s kinda fun tho.. like it forces you to draw faster. and press lighter. and just. be looser w ur lines#and even when ur being loose it’s STILL making thick as hell lines. but. that’s also kinda interesting..?#idk. it’s kinda fun using them again sometimes. I feel like it’s kinda freeing. u just have to accept what the sharpie puts out#u can only control it so much. u have to let go of that urge for perfection and take what u get#I feel like currently I really struggle w. liking my sketches more than my lines. and trying to replicate all my sketchwork#into my linework… but lines are not sketches!!! so it leads to linework I don’t like either cuz it’s all scratchy and weird#i feel like. 1 I need to learn. to let some pictures just be sketches. like if I like the look of my sketch and wanna keep that loose#conceptual sorta look. to just. not line it. not try to replicate a sketch in lines#and 2! to embrace smoothness in my linework more… to accept my lines. not looking exactly like my sketch#and to not go over every single sketch stroke in ink to try and achieve that.. cuz it doesn’t work!!!!!#and.. uhhh. yeah! I think using sharpies might actually help out w that. cuz u literally. u CANNOT go over them a 100 times.#or trace over every sketch mark. the spread of the ink does not allow it! and if u keep trying it’ll just become a mess#forces me to accept my lines as they are… lines….#ok anyway… sorry for the impromptu sharpie / art dissatisfaction discussion ghghg#sharpies r cool and interesting to work w!!! force me to do things differently i think I like em#but also because I’m so stuck in my ways w lining my sketches they also frustrate me initially ghgh- but who cares if I’m frustrated!#the lines down! it’s done! u just gotta move onto the next one! and boom. whadaya kno#all of a sudden u got some finished linework that isn’t exactly what u put down for the sketch. but it’s smooth and clean and shit!#thats cool lol
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my new favorite feeling is the one you get when you realize over half your friends are toxic and don’t actually value you as a person but they’re too scared to say it to your face so they just keep you around like that one ugly wall hanging in the living room that everyone hates but no one wants to go through the trouble of throwing it out and finding a replacement
#it’s especially fun when they invite you to things out of guilt#and then every time you go you say#”its gonna be different this time it’ll be so fun”#but every time you end up having a panic attack in the bathroom#because of them said something homophobic to you#and you don’t have the confidence to defend yourself#so you just end up calling your parents to pick up#and you have to hold the tears in until you get home because you can’t come out to your parents#tw vent#vent post
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i miss my friends :(
#every time i come back i hope it’ll be different#but it’s always so empty#i feel like i havent talked to another living person in weeks
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home from work
#if I speak…#one of the girls walked out yesterday#the best worker we have is on the verge of blowing up on this bitch’s leaders bc since he can do everything quick and efficiently already#they’re putting 3 to 4 ppl’s workloads on him to see how far they can extend his worth and then they’re over his shoulder the whole time#micromanaging him so today he almost lost it and was literally walking around mumbling about his disrespectful they all are (facts)#and how if they don’t think he’s doing it right then they can do it and I know for a fact one of the ladies heard him#bc he wasn’t even trying to hide it at this point and like this dude is cool he has a lot of patience and helps out any way he can#so if HE’S on the brink of snapping then the rest of us don’t stand a chance LMFAO#anyways today was a fucking mess those leaders know nothing about our store yet so they have us making less than what we need until we need#it so we get behind constantly and they made prep a disaster bc again they think they can just prep a bunch of stuff in the morning#and it’ll last the whole day and yes that works in theory but the reality of the situation is every day is different and today#we sold double what we did yesterday so they had to move me to prep to fix their mistakes bc we were running out of stuff 4 hours in lmfao#and I’m the only one left who knows how to do everything on prep bc the other girls had never done it before#we’re supposed to prep 20 mac n cheese trays in the morning for the whole day#we open lunch at 10:30 tell me why I go into the cooler at 12 put more in the oven and there’s only 5 left#it’s been less than 2 HOURS and you’re already running out of macs which means those idiots prepped barely anything just to try and save mo#*money to cut down waste but that gag if you’re losing money bc now you’re short on everything and customers are leaving bc they’re having#to wait a long time for their food#and macs take 40 minutes to cool LMFAO#I get over there they’re out of parfaits they’re out of fruit cups they’re out of kale salads the front is coming in and having to take#stuff as I make it bc they keep getting orders and it’s all just a fucking mess#I have to make a custom wrap and what happens?? those morons didn’t pull the flatbreads out of the freezer like they’re supposed to every#night so now we have no flatbread and I had to run back there and put them in the warming drawer to defrost and we lost an order bc I had#nothing to make the wraps with <3#I go back there to get more cold chicken SPOILER ALERT they didn’t have anyone make any this morning so now there’s no chicken for the wrap#and salad and it has to be grilled and then chilled for 2 FUCKING HOURS before it can be used#they’re a fucking disaster like 😭#was the store perfect before?? ofc not but it ran quickly and efficiently as it should and now it’s literally just a mess#this bitch hasn’t even owned it for a full week yet and has already fucked it all up#womp womp!!!!!!
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😭 😭
#hey at least they’re self-aware!#but shhh people need to stop pointing this out to them #it’ll make them feel self conscious#idc if they repeat stories everybody does it and it’s different how they tell it every time!#also lol to the Brian memoji icon#so many know it all’s in the yt comments#that they obviously read!#t&k
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idk if keeper is in the air this week or something but i suddenly have the desire to write kotlc fanfic again ???
#and it’s not even about gay telepaths…….#well still telepaths i guess but different ones than usual#and if i get around to writing it it’ll have to be a qualden fic/keefitz fic style long time jumpy fic#simply because of the parallels i’m trying to draw#and quite frankly i do not have time to write that before unraveled. though i don’t think the plot would be altered too much with that#although sokeefe does play a major role just. vaguely to the side#either way i know im deep in the kotlc brain because im relating every song on my playlist to keeper#which i haven’t done in. a while#august rambles
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i plan on doing a fifth ghost playthrough after im done my ng+ lethal+ one (about to enter act 3) and i just know I’ll be lamenting walking into a vanilla game without all the bulks of ng+
#my kensei armor is kitted OUT with ghost and mythic buffs#sadge#but !! vanilla game to start over from !! im excited to go again#that’s what I love so so so SO much about games like these and starting over#I can choose so many different ways to spend my tech points every new time#I can choose what ghost weapon I want (after kunai ofc)#I get to experiment with different evolving tactics and which ones I’ll choose to value first over others#there’s sooo many ways to go about each and every new file that I love getting to explore with this game#it’s so so fun. I love this game so much#it’ll also be nice to finally get so far away from lethal+. it SUCKS sometimes#I may cry fighting khotun. i just know he’s gonna suck no matter how much I take my time#ghost of tsushima
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matsukawa (sticks like a pill in his throat) issei
this is So Real this is So Right someone please use this please he tried to say something to hiro he can’t it “sticks like a pill in his throat” he just can’t get it out ggguuyyyyys
#he swallows pills dry every time he nearly choked every time he thinks it’ll be different every time he’s wrong#the words stick like a pill in his throat CMMMOONNNNNN#AHHHHHHHHHHH#matsukawa issei#matsuhana#haikyuu
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in the spaces between not working on zwg and not finishing brother’s burden, i’ve been, uh…
thinking about something new.
#kay original#game development#kay rambles in the tags#Peccatum#Peccatum: Small Town Heroes#name is a work in progress. as most things are.#you can ask me about this project and the ocs i’ve half-imagined if you want to know more about them#but i’m not at the ‘‘ask me about my setting so i can figure stuff out’’ stage yet.#i do know that it’s an rpg. a LONG one too. and it’ll be mission-based kiiinda like FE3H? but not really?#9 party members. each of them have different elemental alignments and each represent a different Game Stat.#everyone has 1 Best stat—2 Great Stats—3 Good Stats—and 2 Poor Stats—and then the ninth stat is a fixed value#i know that two party members are trans. another two members—including the Box Art Protagonist—are disabled#along with the machine party member there is a Dragon who spends most of their time in bipedal form#there is a Fae who spends a large majority of the story hiding the fact that they are in truth a Fae#one of the party members was experimented on as a child and is now part Monster but they repressed the memory so they have no idea#i came up with a shared MP system that has actual story reasons for existing—and it’s gonna be a pain in the ass to code…#i want a relationship system a la Persona except EVERY party member gets a relationship and not just The Protagonist#every party member will have a relationship gauge with every other party member (i guess this is Fire Emblem?)#and then everyone will have a relationship with an NPC that’s unique and exclusive to them#and then they get four relationships with members of the town that you see frequently as you wander around#but it’s a Small Town remember. so the party has to share. there are four categories with three townspeople each so three party members will#have a relationship with each townsperson. but the relationships will be different because the characters aren’t carbon copies of each other#not. not romantic relationships. like friendships and rivalries and sex buddies and apprenticeships and. possibly also romance? mm.#i have to. learn how to code. idk if RPGMaker has a relationship system so i’ll have to figure something else out. maybe RP as a currency...
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kinda funny when ur brain’s gut instinct is repression so you just kinda watch while your stress and emotions get bottled and corked and the whole time ur just like “that is going to bite me in the ass so bad later but i can’t seem to open the damn bottles without getting glass everywhere so! guess we’ll wait”
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- not super but this is more negative than i like to be#sorry folks i’ve been mental illness posting a lot#maybe i should get checked for seasonal affective disorder. or maybe this is a trauma response? i DID nearly die this year#i dunno. the trauma stuff in particular is tricky bc if i try to unpack it before i’m ready i could basically just retraumatize myself#but if i wait too long then it’ll do some damage that way too. so i gotta time it right#what i really gotta do is actually contact one of these psychologists i got referred#i think i wanna go for a psychologist instead of a therapist bc i’d like the opportunity for medication/diagnosis if possible#i keep like. almost crying but every time it happens i’m like ‘YESSS CATHARSIS’ and then it goes away. fuckass brain#sighhh. i’m tired. i’m tired of resting too#but tomorrow is a holiday celebrated by eating good food with your family#so i’m gonna try to just enjoy myself and enjoy the day#and it’ll be nice#i’ll probably help cook which i always like doing#i got to chop chocolate tonight. it was really fun i like working with knives#didn’t even get any intrusive thoughts. just focused on making chocolate chunks#it’s satisfying to feel like you’ve made something. chopping things makes me feel like i’ve made something#i want to make more things. i’m really tired all the time lately (different from blood loss tired (i’m relieved i can tell the difference))#and being tired makes it harder to make things#but i’m at my happiest when i’m creating in some way. if you believe in purposes i’d say that was mine#i need to make things i need to put myself out into the world. that way i can look and say i existed. i did something tangible#sigh okay i’m gonna . stop here before this turns into mars shares all of her thoughtfeelings on public website tumblr.com#i know i literally liveblogged my colonoscopy prep to you all (thx again ppl who supported me then btw that was an awful night)#buuuuut i still wanna leave some parts of me a little mysterious. (<- is an open book)
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Do you ever have a thought while scrolling your dash and then forget it so you gotta back scroll to find your thought again or is it like, just a me thing
#I was thinking about the WoL being a different guy for every expansion again but also more crucially#I’m re reading Amygdala by Sam Fennah and I’m caught in the time loop. this time the outcome will be different… this is gonna be its own#post actually hold on#day-2-day#edit; changed my mind#anyways my girl did do all that shit wrong but she didn’t deserve it hope that helps xoxo#if I name drop anyone it’ll spoil the story so I’m begging you to read it and then tell me about how I’m not crazy and there’s totally#toxic Yuri potential between Methusa and Winifred. there’s a scene in Bernadette that makes me wanna chomp cables#Bernadette being the music video posted by Sam Fennah on YouTube Pls go watch it I’m unwell#hi sorry it’s not Winifred it’s Locket sorry to women I mixed them up. I’d been looking at Wini earlier and being all 😳🫣🥴
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.
#i’m having an incredibly hard time.#and i’m trying not to burden anyone else with it because i’ve already expressed so much of my grief related feelings over the last year#but this loss in particular is so incredibly profound and arguably the most painful bc it was the least complicated or nuanced#therefore i am completely and paralyzingly distraught in ways i didn’t experience with my grandma or my sister#and that’s confusing bc on one hand i wonder if it makes me a bad person and on the other hand i just don’t even care#pet grief is something entirely different#harley was and is the most important and precious thing in my life#his love was unconditional and he gave my days structure and routine#he is still so embedded in me that i have spent every day without him so far still listening for him around the house#i don’t think i’ve ever cried this consistently and so easily every day in my life#i don’t even have to try to cry or force it at all and i wonder how long it’ll take before the automatic nature of it stops#i go to sleep crying and the minute i get out of bed i am crying before i even leave my room bc i know he won’t he outside of it#my heart is so broken i feel like i’m going to suffocate#two nights ago i ran into my mom’s room sobbing before bed bc my night time routine was suddenly shortened#i can’t go to bed without putting him to bed#i didn’t know what to do i just broke down on her bed where i would tuck him in#i don’t know how i’m going to move on from this i genuinely am at my lowest point#i am Not okay. i haven’t been okay in a really long time but this has knocked me down so hard#i don’t see myself ever getting up atp
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guys i literally feel so nervous i might puke and it’s the night before the concert. how am i supposed to feel ok actually GOING
#i’m also kind of stressed out planning how early we should leave and i. ugh.#it matters a lot to me obviously so i’m really in my own head thinking about it all. every possibility.#i think it’s a lot bc i’m VERYYYY out of practice for concerts and the last one i went to 4 years ago was like. a tiny venue compared to thi#and this is my fav band ever of ever and i have regrets about the one time i saw fob in 2016 that i wish to be different this time#and i’m like oh man what if they play a song i don’t like as much for 8 ball. even tho they could play almost anything and id scream and die#anyways sorry guys for being vulnerable but i’ve cried a few times and tom had to comfort me and talk me through it#anyways AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#i just need to keep telling myself it’ll be one of the best nights of my life no matter what happens.#no matter if we’re at the back of the pit and they play [redacted] for the 8 ball song and everything. it’ll be still so amazing.#but it’s hard :(#i also think part of it is i’m very hormonal and my period just came at the worst time AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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