#i also think part of it is i’m very hormonal and my period just came at the worst time AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[josephtrohman]

guys i literally feel so nervous i might puke and it’s the night before the concert. how am i supposed to feel ok actually GOING

[seventh-district]

man. grief really sneaks up on ya at the most random times

[showerthoughtsofagoldengoose]

Revolutionary Girl Utena is still fresh on the mind and I’m trying to figure out the Nanami lays an egg episode. I think I get it a little.

Nanami laying an egg is a second instance of her femininity causing her to be equated to being like a farm animal, in this case a chicken rather than a cow. Another connection this episode has to the previous animal one is that it shows us her obsession with how she’s being perceived, however the animalistic quality (laying an egg) is a source of shame rather than a misguided source of pride (the cowbell).

The egg represents a lot of things.

first is the most literal interpretation- hormones kicking in. Eggs come from (I hate the way I’m phrasing this) something fertile. Fertility comes from hormones. So we could interpret this as a symbol mixing together several factors- “fertility” (your period?) and sexuality.

The part about sexuality mainly comes from a one off joke where Nanami asks her brother if he prefers boys or girls without realizing how that question sounds, and when she tells him she prefers girls he gets angry with her and spouts some homophobic bs at her, while she was most likely referring to the egg, whether the baby in it was a boy or a girl. This conversation feels very real, and makes me think the egg may represent latency.

Nanami knows there’s something “wrong” with her and when she tries to address it around her brother, he gets angry with her and she abandons (represses?) this aspect of herself only to come running back to it.

she loves her egg. That���s the thing. She takes good care of it and is happy to be around it. She always has. But she’s ashamed of the fact that it came from her. Laying eggs is not something a girl normally does, at least she doesn’t think so. She could have simply had her first period but I think it’s more than just that- like her burgeoning sexuality. While it is a part of her identity it’s something she feels the need to repress. When it is seen, potentially used by someone she doesn’t want (Sayonji, the three weird guys with glasses who idek what their deal is yet lmao) she is upset.

I think the egg being broken when she wakes up is a representation of some kind of hopelessness. As if she can’t accept herself in the end for that aspect of herself, all because of the pressures surrounding her and breaks down in the end.

I think it’s important to mention how eggs are mentioned frequently in the show- what with the world’s end chick in the egg speech we get in every single episode. Latency. I think it refers to latency.

and with the act of laying an egg, being forced to confront this latency, wanting it to be released but unable to truly act on it despite how valuable it is??

I feel like while the lesbian reading is pertinent given how oddly specific the homophobia scene is, like all things utena, lesbianism isn’t all there is to it. I also mentioned maturity, growing up, hormones, fertility, some implicitly mentioned, others explicit.

It will take a lot to break down this show and staring off with this episode, this strange strange ep? Maybe not the best idea! My head hurts lol.

idk why but I always found the nanami episodes to be kind of raw and emotional despite their surreal comedy. She’s obsessed with how others see her, relies on one other person extremely heavily for affection, someone she looks up to in a way that almost seems kind of immoral (incest), and is this oddly sensitive person despite her melodrama and over the top oujo sama personality.

I think it’s worth noting that she lacks much of a support system. Her closest friends are fake, when she is traumatized she tells no one about it and carries the burden of knowing that alone. Her concept of one person she thinks truly loves her is also later challenged. I wouldn’t even call her and the little boy close. Nanami is interesting in that she does have social leverage and fits the popular bitch stereotype/archetype but I would consider her lonely in that lack of having support. Thus her anxieties are worsened, her shame about herself is worsened. This and her immaturity and naiivete. She truly doesn’t understand how a lot of things work, and this is because she wasn’t taught them.

[nickeverdeen]

I hope I don't make things uncomfortable if you decide to write this request, I just really need some comfort after today and your blog was one of the first things that came to mind to try to keep these bad feelings away.

So, I'm a female and I struggle with pcos. Don't worry, I'll explain so you don't need to google: it's basically a syndrome that really fucks up with my hormones. Some of these symptoms (like irregular periods, tiredness, anemia) can be calmed with endless treatment, but women with pcos usually have chubby bodies or gain weight easily, and that's not easy to get rid of. Pcos can also lead to stress and depression, and that's also something the medicine doesn't feel like taking off, at least on me.

So, can you please write some imagine with joel (platonic) with teen reader where he already knows about this because she trusted enough to tell him at some point? She receives a unnecessary joke about her body from someone and tries to brush it off like it's nothing, but when joel comes to visit reader in her house later because he's worried, he sees her eyes puffy from crying? I don't really know exatcly what am I expecting with this imagine, I guess I just really want to see him listen to her, let her really cry to the point of sobbing on his shoulder and be there. I guess I just really wanna know what would joel do in a situation like that, what would he think or say if she cries hard and opens up every thought she have been bottling up inside, that she can't help being born like this, that she knows she's not pretty like girls in jackson are but that it's unfair that some asshole thinks is her fault or something. I don't really care if reader is being dramatic, let her be, you can even exaggerate her lines if you want because anything in those waters would be realistic at least. I just wanted to see how would feel like to have joel there in a moment like this.

I'm sorry for trauma dumping here, I just wanted joel to fix up the bad thing that happened today. (Is this what influencers mean with "romanticize life"? Idk)

If you don't feel like writing this is okay too, I swear that would be fine for me. I can understand some things aren't exactly easy to picture or write

Enough | Joel Miller x PCOS!fem!reader

Pairings: Joel Miller x fem!reader (platonic)

Type of fic: Angst/Comfort

Warnings: Getting shamed, low self-worth, insecurities

Summary: After getting shamed for your body by a jerk Joel comforts you

PS: Hey, cariño, thank you for explaining it to me and I’m very truly sorry if I messed something up - if so then please let me know. Hopefully this’ll help at least a bit 💚

———————

Joel had always been a quiet observer, careful to pay attention to the small details about the people he cared for. He’d known you for a while now, long enough that you had told him about your PCOS, trusting him with that part of your life. He never forgot the things you shared, the way you’d hesitated, then let it all spill out one evening by the fire. And now, as he came by your house to check in on you, he had a feeling something was off.

You’d tried to brush it off when some jerk had made a comment about your body earlier that day, acting like it didn’t bother you. But Joel saw through it, the forced smile and the way you shrugged it off like it was nothing. When he knocked on the door and saw you, the puffiness around your eyes gave it all away.

“Hey,” he said softly, stepping inside without you having to ask. He noticed the way you tried to avoid eye contact, like you didn’t want him to see how upset you were. “What happened?”

Your breath hitched as you tried to speak, but the words caught in your throat. Joel’s presence was comforting, familiar, and without judgment. That only made the dam break.

Tears welled up in your eyes, and before you could stop yourself, you were sobbing, your whole body trembling with the force of it. “I— I’m just tired, Joel,” you finally managed between gasps. “I’m tired of being like this. It’s not fair.”

Joel’s face softened, and he stepped closer, pulling you into a hug without hesitation. His arms were strong, secure, and you buried your face in his chest, letting yourself cry. Really cry. “I know, kiddo,” he murmured, rubbing your back gently. “I’m right here.”

You sobbed harder, the pain of it all pouring out as you clung to him. “I can’t help it, Joel! I can’t help being born like this!” Your voice broke. “I know I’m not… I’m not pretty like the other girls in Jackson. It’s just… so unfair that people make it seem like it’s my fault. Like I’m doing something wrong.”

Joel stayed silent for a long moment, letting you cry. He didn’t try to cut you off or stop you, didn’t say anything empty just to fill the space. Instead, he waited until your sobs slowed, until you were breathing raggedly but more steadily.

“They don’t know what the hell they’re talkin’ about,” he said quietly, his voice low and firm. “Ain’t nobody got the right to make you feel like this. You’re beautiful—don’t matter what some asshole says. And what’s inside? They don’t know you, kid, not like I do.”

You sniffled, pulling away just enough to look up at him. “I just… I just want to be enough,” you whispered, tears still brimming in your eyes.

Joel’s expression softened further, and he brought his hand up to brush a few strands of hair away from your face. “You are enough. More than enough,” he said gently. “Don’t you ever think otherwise. It’s hard, I know. But you gotta stop beatin’ yourself up over this. It ain’t your fault.”

Your lip quivered, and you leaned back into his chest. “I just… I don’t know how to stop feeling like this sometimes. Like I’m just not good enough.”

Joel’s arms tightened around you protectively. “You let yourself feel it when it gets heavy like this,” he said, his voice a soft rumble. “But you don’t let it drown you. You come to me, you cry, and you let it out. You don’t gotta carry it alone.”

His words hit you deep, and for the first time in a while, you felt like you could breathe a little easier. Joel wasn’t going to judge you for feeling the way you did. He understood, maybe not all the specifics of what you were going through, but the weight of feeling like the world was pressing down on you.

After a few more moments of silence, you felt your tears starting to dry. Joel pulled back slightly, just enough to look you in the eye. “You’ve been dealin’ with so much already,” he said quietly, “but I don’t want you thinkin’ you’re less than anyone else because of it.”

You nodded, swallowing the lump in your throat. “Thanks, Joel.”

He gave you a small, reassuring smile. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.”

You leaned into him again, finding comfort in the steady sound of his heartbeat as you let yourself relax. For the first time in a long while, you felt like it was okay to just be. With Joel, you didn’t have to hide how hard it was sometimes. He’d be there, no matter how many times you needed to fall apart.

And that was enough.

[beardedmrbean]

Oh yeah the king family thing, it’s not like there was this big assassination of a very important person in Dallas who had the nickname Jack and it shook the world…who might have ended the Cold War sooner.

And his supposed killer was murdered before he was even questioned

And another character who filled his position wasn’t killed as well…

Okay allegedly it was the cia, but the FBI really think that the King family would buy their claim after wire tapping MLK own fucking home and sent that letter saying he should kill himself?

Oh and the Malcom x thing, I mean when you are a powerful figure that left an extremists group saying that white people was made in a lab by a bitter black guy. Not shocking who killed you

(Got a feeling the government payed NOI to do that hit?)

And Anna Frank thing, I presume her diary came out in the 50’s. Given that people had a panic about Pixar Turning Red the Asian female mc had LE GASP hormones(not to mention she tame af compare to the….less that ideal stuff I see women in fandom make) lords knows how many fathers and mothers would have heart attacks learn that their “innocent” daughters might be doing private if they read Anne Frank unedited diary

Fuck I sound like I’m on Epstein list

Oh yeah I heard about that academic paper, I mean leftist basically made the black version of birth of a nation with women king. And the majority of radfems goes uncheck and they have positions of power in institutions.

We only learn about the horrors the Nazis did, not the fact they had a “eat the rich” as the left don’t want to admit a lot of Jewish people that Hitler targeted was well off

Oh yeah the king family thing, it’s not like there was this big assassination of a very important person in Dallas who had the nickname Jack and it shook the world…who might have ended the Cold War sooner. And his supposed killer was murdered before he was even questioned

For some reason I read this like 3 times and each time even though I knew it's JFK you're talking about my brain added a "Ruby" to Jack, which I suppose works since jack ruby is the guy that killed lee harvey oswald.

The X-Files did a episode where they went into a lot of different stuff that CSM did, if you know the show at all.

"Musings of a cigarette smoking man" It's a really good one, actually works as standalone that you don't need to know anything about the show to enjoy.

Mallcolm X stuff is nuts, I don't think the feds bothered with him though, it's farrakhan all the way there. If there was a firm move towards improved race relations he might just lose his cash cow, it's not just politicians that profit from the status quo, look at any social movement out there who's original stated goal was achieved.

Title IX and the Civil Rights Act should have been the stop and then nothing else legislative needed, but nope that didn't happen.

1948 for the Diary, there was just a lot of sexual stuff, bisexual to be more specific I believe, talk of her period, things you would imagine a girl that age would be talking about really, like you said, but not in 1948 you don't get that published around the globe then.

I'm good with keeping the sanitized version the one used in schools too, at least till college maybe I don't know.

We only learn about the horrors the Nazis did, not the fact they had a “eat the rich” as the left don’t want to admit a lot of Jewish people that Hitler targeted was well off

You also aren't going to learn that there was quite a bit of socialism mixed into the nazi deal, collectivization, hitler youth indoctrination centers where you learn that your duty is to your fatherland and your fuhrer,

My dad sings in the chorus for the local symphony, guy in it was hitler youth, said it was like a summer camp, but he was part of a group that did tours and sung patriotic songs so he lucked out, also lucked out that his mom kept him home from that last trip.

But ya there's a lot of that they can't bring up today, because it looks too much like socialism (because it is) weren't before because socialism bad nazi bad was good enough, for the most part.

Should have done better on that sadly ______________

Sorry this took so long I was facetiming a friend I never really get to do much more than text with.

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2016 Slept great on both the new mattress and mattress pad, and I’m going to try it without the pad tonight. The mattress pad definitely feels a little weird and it’s going to take some getting used to if I decide to use it. Even though the 3” pad isn’t very dense, it almost makes you feel like you’re sagging, and it’s also a little hard to move or roll over. If not, Tom will use it, so there’s no money wasted. I decided that rather than rotate the mattress periodically, I would sleep on the far side of the bed when I was sleeping at night since it’s closer to the street, and on the close side when I was sleeping during the daytime. I’m sticking to the close side until I decide which setup I want to go with.

Today was both fun and productive. Tom picked up a few groceries we couldn’t get online before I got up. I got up at 10:30 and by noon we were starting to lay down the new floor tiles in the laundry room and second bath. I’ve done many home renovations, but this is my first floor. Yeah, I’m kind of proud of myself. :-)

We got the pieces down that didn’t need cutting. The cutting is going to be the tricky part and that may take more time than the ones that didn’t need to be cut. I also wonder if there’s enough adhesive on these things, but if not we can always add some glue.

The floor is absolutely gorgeous so far. There’s no comparing the old and the new. This is so much brighter, shinier and prettier.

We’ll probably finish up tomorrow. Then all we have to do is go pick up our groceries and change both the rat cage and the air filters in the bedroom air cleaners.

So 2016 was still a damn good year for the most part. Sure thought it was going to end on a shitty note with those few anxious weeks I had. Other than some anxiety, the heatstroke I experienced on vacation and then Stacey’s shit, I’d say it was a pretty good year. I just hope my hormones get their act together in 2017!

My only real concern for next year is Trump. I still hope the sexist, gay/Jew-hating whore gets assassinated right along with Pence. We thought our stocks would take a huge hit because of them, but instead of a loss our 401 is now up to around 13K!!!

Signing off now with a copy of my letter to Stacey.

I thought I would let you know why I canceled our appointment, and to be perfectly honest, I’m doing this more to get things off my chest than because I feel like I owe you an explanation. It’s too long for a voicemail, and I didn’t want to send this to your business email in case it got caught in your spam box (the one with something like 4 letters and 4 numbers in the address). I also didn’t think it was appropriate to Facebook it to you or send it in the mail anywhere else I could have sent it.

First I want to make two things clear to you. The first thing is that my opting to cancel our appointment has nothing to do with my attraction to you. If a person is a good therapist and beneficial to me, then it doesn’t matter what they look like. I agree that my problem is probably physiological, and lovely or not, I really would have preferred to feel better and never see you again for this darn anxiety.

Second thing… The last thing I want is for this to offend or upset you in any way. That is absolutely not my intention.

That being said, you know how you told me you “thought it through” after I gave you my contact info? Well, so did I. After our last chat, I had a chance to reflect on things and it’s like you had 3 different personalities during the times I saw you. There was the first one that was almost quiet, easygoing and professional. There was the second one that was chattier and seemed to suggest that my fondness/attraction was welcome and mutual. And then there was the third one that came across as standoffish and cold.

Stacey, I really did feel like you gave me mixed signals no matter how unintentional I’m sure it was on your part. Also, I had no planned “outcome” in mind for us any more than I thought you did. BUT… I did have hopes that you gave me. Not that we would become lovers or anything like that after I finally got a grip on my anxiety for more than two seconds, and not that we would be friends who would go out shopping and dining together. Nor did I expect that we would visit each other at our homes, but more along the lines of some form of phone or digital communication from time to time. You seemed quite happy to receive my contact info and then I remember you saying something to the effect of, “Thank you for this, Jodi. I just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea about my not going to your blog. That’s just not something I do.”

This led me to believe that the attraction part of it was mutual, even if neither of us had any grand plans for any particular outcome. Forgive me if I perceived you incorrectly and got you all wrong as much as it’s hard for me to believe I could suddenly become this bad at reading people. Like you said you are, I’m usually pretty intuitive. But if I got this one wrong I totally apologize for it. Totally.

I usually try to be an open person, but perhaps I should have done a better job of hiding the crush, kept my mouth shut, and not been so forthright about it.

I can’t go so far as to say I feel like I had my head played with, and I know that you never actually came out and said anything directly about being attracted to me, but it was in your body language, some of the things you said, the way you said them… or so I at least thought.

When I thought you were attracted to me and that we might keep in touch between or after our sessions, this really lifted my spirits and gave me something that I thought I had to look forward to in addition to the good things I already have going for me in life, however naïve of me this might have been.

Guess I’m either a million times worse at reading people than I gave myself credit for, or maybe there was something there that you started to feel and then you feared it might go too far or something like that. Only you can know the answer to this, but if you were attracted to me in any way, I certainly don’t expect you to admit it and apologize for how the whole situation has made me feel. You’re the last person I would’ve guessed would make me end up feeling this way. I’m hurt and it’s going to take time to recover and bounce back from this, but I will.

I have deleted the positive review I gave you on Yelp now that I kind of see you in a different light. My trust has been shaken and my respect for you lowered a bit. Let’s just say that I looked up to you, I admired you, and then I came to see that you might not be as real as I thought you were. As my husband agrees, this has had a big effect on me that basically shattered me and kicked me back down a rung or two emotionally, although I still believe you didn’t intentionally set out to make me feel this way, and I know I’ll get over it in time. But whether you meant to make me feel led on or not, I still feel the way I feel. This is part of why I keep to myself. It may be boring this way at times, but it’s safer. No misunderstandings this way.

Like I said, I never had any set expectations, but just a little bit of hope for ongoing communication because you always had a way of making me feel better. I’m not going to lie to you, though. The last time I left your office I felt disappointed, confused, surprised and a little angry instead of calmer and a bit more hopeful about life in general. I just would have preferred it if you’d told me when I gave you my contact info that that wasn’t something you did any more than blog visiting. I would have understood, and I do understand that you have certain rules and guidelines to stick to. Nonetheless, I’m a woman of my word and my contact info is still yours to do as you please, though I don’t see what you’d need it for at this point.

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a bad person or a bad counselor. I saw a counselor a few times before seeing you, and while she didn’t harm me, she wasn’t helpful. Seeing her was like going to a restaurant and not being served. I was resistant to therapy at first because I just didn’t see at the time how telling one more person about what happened with the medication would help. But it did. The EMDR may not have made my life a bowl of cherries, but I definitely believe I may have more panic attacks without it. The tapping still helps at times, too. I will always carry these coping tools with me throughout my life.

Aside from any negative feelings going through my mind, I honestly don’t know that you could have helped me much more than you already have, as intelligent as you are. You can’t make my perimenopause go away, and if I’ve suppressed some horrible memory, we may never know if it’s a real memory or not, just like you said. And what if it was? Whatever may’ve happened to me couldn’t be undone, could it?

There were also a couple of minor issues like some inconsistencies in some of the things you told me. The last time I saw you, you said you didn’t remember your dreams, but I swear you told me a few sessions ago that you too, have had dream premonitions. Maybe you just usually don’t remember your dreams?

I would also get a little frustrated with how many things I’d tell you that you’d forget. I totally get, however, that you have many patients and that it’s hard to keep track of everything everyone tells you, and maybe my expectations are a little high because I usually have a great memory. Like nearly eidetic. Not just with big things but I’m able to recall the most mundane of details such as every outfit I’ve seen you wear, etc. Yes, I’d remember even if you were ugly.

You asked what I thought I learned from all this. Well, I learned that anyone can change, no one is necessarily who we think they are, and anyone is capable of just about anything. Even leading us on while they may not realize it or intend to do so.

What have you learned?

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2016 “It’s sad that when I push people away they just go and they don’t even try to stay.”

Aly “liked” this quote on Twitter. Who the hell is she kidding? Did I not try to stay? Or has she simply forgotten this already? Damn, I need to stop reading her tweets. God, give me the strength to ignore anyone from my past who may one day reach out to me, not that I expect them to. The sad thing is that I would probably be willing to talk to at least a few of them. Why am I still too forgiving? Andy and Paula no, but Nane, Maliheh, Aly and Stacey would still be hard to ignore if they ever contacted me, especially Aly and Stacey.

Because he’s more married to his job than me (and I don’t mean that in a bad way), we haven’t had a chance to swap the mattresses again. Besides, it said to let the new mattress pad lay out somewhere for a couple of days where it can have a chance to expand. Since today is his last day until Tuesday, we’ll swap mattresses when he gets home.

I just hope I feel well enough to do the floors this weekend!

Slept ok last night. Lungs were a little tight when I woke up, but relaxed later on. My throat is better today and my nasal allergies backed off as of yesterday now that I’m back on the spray. Not feeling anxious or fatigued today. I went on a 15-minute walk and will do another 15 minutes on the Bowflex.

The sun was warm and the air was cool. On the way back I was warm enough to take off my hoodie. I was surprised because it’s been so damn cold here. I said hello to a couple with a dog by the lake, and to Bob along the way. I also exchanged hellos with him a couple of days ago on the way to pick up the mail when he was taking down their Christmas lights.

Started another story, so that makes 3 unfinished ones. Maybe someday I’ll be able to focus better and for longer periods at a time. It isn’t always just a lack of concentration, but sometimes I do get busy with other things and I just don’t have the time.

Now that I’m caught up on my shows, I’m going to look for a new show to get into on Netflix when I’m eating or on the skier. The next season of Bates Motel is going to be added next month. This is good, but I hate having to try to remember where the story left off. Wish they would stop deleting things, too.

Three times today and three times yesterday I heard the park making their landscaping racket with their insanely loud blowers. I don’t understand why I have to hear this shit nearly every single day. Why do they need to do this more than once a week???

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2016 Good God, what am I going to do if I ever need medication for something that’s a matter of life or death since just about every single thing I take seems to cause problems?! Sure enough, I had to stop the Estroven because I awoke with an irritating tingling sensation in my throat and mouth. I looked online and found that this can happen, though it’s supposed to only be to a small percentage.

The sore throat I had on Tuesday was more consistent with a cold which my body fought off in less than a day as it usually does. But this feels more similar to a thing called thrush that kind of leaves this strange/gross sensation in your mouth, which I sometimes get if I stop eating yogurt.

I called the number on the box and spoke to a woman who said that this is “expected” to happen. Really? Because I swore I read online only 3% have this reaction. Either way, she couldn’t tell me if I would get worse or how long it would last, but I think it’s safe to say it’s not going to kill me. I gargled with saltwater and now all I can do is wait it out. I’m guessing it will be better tomorrow. This sucks big time because I think it really might have been helping with the anxiety and even making me sleep better. The insomnia was back last night and I was up for something like 19 hours, but I’ve been sleeping a little better overall. So now my anxiety may return and I’ll just have to tough it out on my own, wondering if it’s my thyroid pills, but pretty sure it’s the perimenopause while never knowing when it’s going to fucking end. I realize, though, that the sooner I let it come back, the sooner I can not only learn to adapt to it once and for all as horrible as it is, but it’s a great diet tool too, and I still have another 20 pounds to go, though I would settle for 15.

The only other thing I feel so far today is fatigue. My body is acting PMSy again, though I don’t know why. I just had a period less than two weeks ago. But my fatigue and hunger levels are up (though I’m not that hungry today), I’m retaining water, and my boobs are sore.

I began to feel a little anxious towards the middle of my day yesterday for about five hours and decided to skip my pill today in case there’s still a connection. I’m just tired of having to suffer one thing or another nearly every single fucking day of my life. Why can’t I just LIVE my life?!

Just got a message from Zaradhe. She confirmed that my stress test was normal, please schedule to see Doc A after my March labs, please consider another counselor, and am I on the shrink’s waiting list? They have cancellations, she told me.

When I turned around and called the Behavioral Health department, however, I was told the shrink doesn’t have any cancellations.

Argh, fuck this shit! I honestly don’t know how much more I can take! I burst into tears… what happened with Stacey, the anxiety, the perimenopause, the Estroven, the levothyroxine, the scary unknown… it’s all too much for me at times.

As for another counselor… I not only don’t know that I could trust one, but I honestly don’t know if one could help me any more than Stacey had before what happened between us happened, which not surprisingly, I didn’t receive an apology for. How much more can I learn about anxiety and the tricks to combat it? I’ve researched online. I’ve talked to the experts. I really think I’m doing all that can be done and that the only other thing that may help is to try to find a medication that’s not only helpful but that doesn’t have unacceptable side effects. Good luck to me with that one.

I’m still shocked, hurt and a little angry over Stacey, but doing better. This is the kind of shit you expect with the young and naïve. Not a 58-year-old therapist.

So I’m sitting here worrying and wondering about this and that, and then I got a reply from Eileen. I had asked her if she still wanted to stay connected on Facebook because I wasn’t hearing from her very often. Turns out her daughter’s husband tried to kill her last August and the guy is awaiting trial. The daughter has been in the hospital and trying to work to support two kids, so everyone’s both shocked and exhausted.

This made me realize that while things may be bad enough for me right now, they could be a lot worse. I’m so glad Tom and I said “no” to kids in the end. That would have been more people to worry about when it’s enough to worry about ourselves.

“Some days you’re up, some days you’re down.” Tammy recently told me this, and this is so true. She’s so right on that one! I haven’t had anxiety yet today but I sure have had my share of stress and frustration on top of the throat irritation and having to hear landscaping on and off all fucking day.

I had a dream I was in an expensive boutique. The two women that worked there, one older and a younger one appearing to be a lesbian, showed me various items and gave me the ridiculous price of each one. The lesbian let me have a one-piece pajama outfit for free that was so small it could only fit a toddler.

I hugged her for it and hoped that they would finally present some desirable items at a reasonable enough price as a way of showing my gratitude for the free item. I finally settled on a $12 bottle of nail polish, even if it wasn’t a great color.

Then I was in a restaurant and I started to leave without my purse (I seem to do that a lot in dreams). I went back and retrieved it and then I “skated” off down the street with Tom and some woman on what looked like a dolly.

In the last dream, Tom and I were discussing moving to Florida and whether or not it was something we really wanted to do.

Oh, I sure hope I survive to have that conversation someday.

Later…

I think that tomorrow I’m just going to start taking the levothyroxine as directed and stop trying to change, stop or control the anxiety. The anxiety was meant to be for a reason and the sooner I let it come back, the sooner I can begin to adapt to living with it. I mean this is me now. This is me. It may not be me every single day, but it’s something I’m going to experience regularly enough and it’s not going to go away for good anytime soon if it ever does. Tom reminded me that nothing stays the same, and while it’s logical to assume it’s not forever, I can’t know that for sure.

So if it was my thyroid meds making me anxious, the anxiety will soon return as I get regular again with my doses. If it was the Estroven that’s backed it off the last couple of days, then the anxiety is still going to return because I’m not taking that anymore. I just have to remind myself that it’s only a feeling and it can’t kill me.

Aly’s tweets are the usual stuff. Riddles and complaints that Kim’s not around as much. I think they must keep in touch daily on other sites, though.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2016 I can’t believe someone threw a beer can on the side of our lot. This is the last place I would have expected that in a gated, upscale adult community, seemingly the runner-up luxury park in the area. There were even a few sips of beer left in it. I dumped it out and threw the can in the recycle bin.

It’s SO damn cold out there! Again I think I’ll work out indoors. Maybe I’ll just do that until February or March. LOL

Anyway, I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday and I had almost no lung tightness. No hot flashes either, though I did wake up warm a few times. Anxiety is still mostly at bay, but I don’t feel as calm as yesterday.

The sore throat I had yesterday is gone, but my nasal allergies are still acting up. It’s going to take a few days for my nasal spray to kick in. It’s not one of those as-needed things.

I was surprised to see that they did check my estrogen during my last round of lab work, as well as a CK test. First I thought this was something that was related to hormones, but according to our research, it checks to see if you’ve had a heart attack in the past. The numbers are up just a little bit, but nowhere near being worrisome.

We were looking up reference ranges for estrogen, and because different regions measure differently, we can only guess that yes, my estrogen is down since last August.

Later…

Stacey should get my letter today. I’m guessing it would be delivered anytime between something like 9:30 - 3:30. The question is when will she actually read it? She might not read it until she gets home, but my guess is that it will be read before she goes to bed.

There’s a tiny part of me that wishes she would call about it and even feel a little bad about it, but this is still more to get it off my chest than to upset her. I think if she feels anything at all she would be a little pissed. But contrary to Arizona’s beliefs, I have just as much right to express myself as anyone else, and I did it in a decent and legal way.

My guess is she’ll just file or toss the letter and I’ll never hear from her again, but at least I will have made myself heard to her, so I can move on without feeling like there’s any “unfinished business” between us.

I don’t know if the confidentiality laws extend to mail, but I would think that unless there were any threats, it would, not that I really care if she shares the letter with anyone. I would, however, prefer that none of my other doctors know about it. If Doc A asks me to elaborate on why I stopped seeing Stacey, I’ll tell her. Otherwise, it’s no one else’s business and I think it should be kept between Stacey and I.

In last night’s dream, I was sitting in the waiting room where a pharmacy was nearby. I sat next to a black guy and there were maybe about 10 people in the room.

The pharmacist, an older white guy, called me up to question me about my insurance or something like that.

I jumped up without taking my purse and told him to hang on while I grabbed my purse because I didn’t want anybody to snatch it. So I got the purse and returned to the counter where I had to squeeze in front of two ladies that were now present.

A large white woman started to complain about how I muscled around her, but I just ignored her.

Then I was complementing these colorful designs on a young woman’s shirt, which seemed to change at random. I asked how the design changed and the woman wearing it said that she was the one that changed the designs.

Then I made some ridiculous comments like, “Wouldn’t it be funny if it was used as toilet paper?”

Later…

I was just sitting here thinking about how great Stacey looked the last time I saw her. I never saw her look so good. Pretty sure she never wore that much makeup before. I might have seen her with mascara before, I’m almost positive I never saw lipstick on her before except for in her medical photo. I can’t help but wonder if she took extra care of making herself up for me. Maybe on some subconscious level, she wanted to really show me what I could never have, even for just a friend.

She should have read my letter by now. I’ve read it myself several times and I wonder if maybe it sounds a little too cold. Oh well. What’s done is done.

I found it a little ironic that I got a missed call which I traced to an individual named Lisa in San Francisco. Funny too, because she has a sister named Lisa in San Francisco. Wrong last name, though, unless she recently married.

I was also remembering how Andy once said that there had been some people he thought would make great roommates until he got to know them a little better and realized that no, they wouldn’t. I can kind of relate. I mean I get what he’s saying. It was easy to think that Stacey would be easy to live with and how she was oh so easy-going and all that, but now I think that she might actually be a bit pushy and judgmental about some things. I totally and honestly believe that Tom is the only man in the United States willing to support his wife. I don’t think anyone else out there could love anyone enough to accept and support my kind of sleep disorder and driving phobia, especially the sleep disorder, since that’s what’s essentially keeping me from working outside of the house. Maybe we really do have guardian angels of sorts, and maybe we’re really not given more than we can handle, because if it weren’t for Tom, what would I have done when they kicked me off the disability over 20 years ago? Now that’s an incredibly scary thought.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2016 Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day, and today is starting off amazingly blissfully calm after sleeping better than I thought I would. Would I have felt this way without the Estroven? Or is the Estroven finally helping? I guess I may not know for a while… unless the anxiety kicks up sometime later on.

The better I feel, the more my appetite picks up. Last night I ate the house down while Netflixing. I’ve already gained back a pound so I’ve got to be careful. Still in training when I can be. Loving the muscle I see, but hating the craters. Again, shitty genetics. I had traces of them even when I was young and very skinny. Despite my flaws, my legs are now looking the best they’ve looked in their 51 years of life. Still have a good 20 pounds or so to lose, and that idea is still a little scary because of how my meds may affect me.

Meanwhile, I made the appointment I shouldn’t have canceled with the shrink, but unfortunately I’m on a waiting list and won’t be able to see her for nearly half a year. I was told that if I can get in sooner than May 25th, they’ll let me know. Why so damn long, though? Is there a shortage of psychiatrists, or are there that many anxious people around?

I updated my PCP about that, canceling Stacey, and starting Estroven. I asked her to let me know if there’s anything else she wants me to do in the meantime.

So now Stacey can sit and wonder why I canceled until tomorrow or the next day when she gets my letter.

Rachel (vigilante) said I should write the letter but not send it. They thought I should tell her directly and that dialogue would be good for us. Well, we had our “dialogue.” It’s just that after our last appointment I had time to reflect on things we discussed during that session, and then I decided to write the letter so that if I worded anything wrong I had a chance to edit it. Now we’re done with each other and it’s time to move on… even after the slightly worrisome dream I had last night.

In the dream, I woke up to tell Tom about a manuscript that the old lady in Texas sent me that I was all excited about, but instead there was some strange guy sitting in the living room. The only words I remember him saying were “police department” and “didn’t you know you were supposed to…”

The dream seemed like it might have taken place in the Phoenix house, and even though I immediately suspected Stacey was behind it, I played dumb all the way.

I didn’t write anything even remotely against the law, and I highly doubt anything up there would allow me to be screwed over by someone in which I knew their location. It’s always been people of authority or with a hold on me or that I didn’t know where they were that have coincidentally been given the privilege of fucking me over.

I’ve also been told that Xanax is addicting and often abused and that I should go with Buspar. They said it was safer and not habit-forming. I guess everybody is different because others say Xanax is helpful and non-addicting. For now, there’s nothing I can really do but hope the Estroven will help, and take a lorazepam as needed.

I agree with Cassie that melatonin likely induced the nightmares I had a couple of nights ago. That and Claritin D have been known to trigger nightmares.

I had another dream where I appeared to be very thin, might have been yelling at my PCP, and wrote in my blog that I needed less sleep than I did 20 years ago. I think there might be a grain of truth to that last one.

Anyway, my only complaint so far today is that I have a sore throat. I almost feel like I have a cold. Now wouldn’t that be just a real ray of fucking sunshine as opposed to anxiety? If it is a cold, my body will likely kill it by the end of the day. Remember, it kills things it’s not supposed to kill.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2016 Here’s something interesting. I checked Dr. O’s Facebook to see if she may be out of town, since she has family in New York, though she has checked messages from there in the past. She’s listed as having 13 friends, though only 9 are visible to me.

Also, Alyssa’s “add friend” button is visible again. Did she recently make it that way to me to see if I’d try to get her to add me again? Or did she simply finally get around to declining my request, which would make it visible again?

Today has been better than yesterday, but as always, tomorrow may be as shitty as yesterday was. It’s gotten harder to enjoy the good times because I know they won’t last, but I’m still trying my best.

I slept better last night even if it was only for about five hours, and I don’t remember a single dream.

We were going to go treasure hunting at Goodwill, but when we saw how crowded the parking lot was we decided not to bother. Instead, we got gas and then picked up our groceries at Walmart.

Later…

Unwinding from what turned out to be a pretty good day. Started to get a little borderline, but overall I was okay. The big question is how I’ll feel tomorrow. This bipolar life has got to end soon!

I looked up the shrink I stupidly canceled that I was supposed to see before I saw A, and it turns out it’s a woman, not a man. Who the hell names their daughter Sufen? LOL, she’s Asian. I’m hoping that since she graduated college in Maryland in 1995 that she won’t have a fucked up accent that’s hard for me to understand. She’s got two 5-star reviews on Yelp and she’s ugly as hell. That’s all I know right now about her.

Tom and I went for a short walk at which time I put Stacey’s letter in the mailbox. She’ll get it on Wednesday or Thursday. Trying to imagine her reaction when she reads it, not that it matters. She’s going to take it however she’s going to take it and that’s on her, but if I had to guess, she’ll be pretty pissed. People just don’t like being called out on their shit, even if they’re guilty and they know it.

My mattress topper should be here tomorrow, and on Wednesday I’m expecting 72 salty caramel cappuccino K-cups. We also ordered new filters for the air cleaners.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2016 Last night was an absolutely hellish night. I was up for about 20 hours. I felt horribly anxious and I slept just as horribly.

Towards the end of my day, I had the full spectrum light on to charge my keyboard and I wonder if that might have been what gave me a hard time falling asleep. Figures it could keep me up but not keep me on a schedule.

I finally took a melatonin at about 11 PM. These are 3 mg. It did nothing for me. As tired as I was I couldn’t fall asleep until around midnight and I kept waking up constantly from horrible dreams.

The worst dream was me walking out of the bedroom and into the living room where Tom was. I seemed to be disoriented. He looked at me with a mixture of concern and disappointment. Next thing I know he’s on the floor throwing up on all fours. Then he was saying that he thought he was having a heart attack.

I said I would call 911 and he said not to do that.

In another dream, I seemed to be totally alone. I guess I didn’t know Tom, and I might have recently gotten out of some jail or hospital. Charlotte and Jim were still alive and I called them. Jim answered and we started talking. He seemed friendly at first and then he asked who I was. Not realizing he didn’t know who I was up front, I told him my name and he said, “You’ve got the wrong number, buddy,” in a very cold tone before he hung up on me.

I then felt totally abandoned.

I got back up at 5:30 and felt just horrible. My weight hit a new low of 145.8. What would normally be exciting has gotten scary. I’m the one that used to have to bust her ass squeezing off 3 pounds a month, and now it’s coming off with little effort. Tom doesn’t think I’ve been eating that much, and while the anxiety has snuffed my appetite a bit, it seems like I still have more calories than I should to lose weight on some days. Maybe even most days.

So I got up and felt anxious, weak, dehydrated and hopeless.

I skipped my thyroid pill and had three chicken wings and a fruit cup. Then I woke Tom up and we talked. I took a lorazepam and fell back asleep until 11:30.

I want to hear from an expert as to whether or not my lower TSH alone could fuel my anxiety, so I messaged Dr. O.

A part of me is tempted to quit my thyroid medication forever because all my problems began after that entered the picture. But I’m still sure perimenopause has a hand in this as well. It’s just that Tom thinks it’s all that, along with Stacey having a big effect on me that basically shattered me by the way she led me to believe we would be friends, while I’m still suspicious of the pills.

The only thing missing from the equation is that my heart hasn’t raced or beat as hard nearly as much as it did the last two times I had problems on this medication. The “mindfuckers” aren’t present either.

But like I told Dr. O, the anxiety that feels more in the chest as opposed to the solar plexus, lack of appetite, weight loss, occasional runs and intermittent lung tightness, makes me wonder.

When Dr. O tried me on 88 mcg, I’m pretty sure I started around September 26th. It was October 29th when things really came to a head. That means that if it is the pills and I keep taking them consistently, I’m going to be in big trouble right after the New Year.

Not knowing for sure what’s causing what or how long it’s going to last is driving me absolutely crazy. It’s scary to think that this could go on for years. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to survive much more of this shit. My dreams alone tell me there’s no sunshine on my immediate horizon.

We canceled our plans to do the floors this weekend because of how shitty I feel. As Tom said, they’ll get done when they get done. The floors are the least of my concerns right now.

Next week I will cancel Stacey and reschedule the shrink. After the new year, I will update A and ask not only if she wants to see me sooner, but also about the Xanax that Tammy recommended. She said it’s not addicting and that it’s helped her tremendously with anxiety.

Stacey’s letter of explanation will eventually be sent as well. I’m doing it more to get things off my chest than because I feel I owe her an explanation. Still not going to report her because I don’t think she meant to do what she did, I can’t prove it anyway, and it’s just my word against hers.

Wonder if she’d be cited for misconduct and inappropriate statements had I secretly videotaped her? Only that’d be illegal and therefore not admissible. I almost feel like I’ve been “Johnsoned.” She kinda kicked me back a rung or two emotionally, but I will survive her. It’s the anxiety I’m not sure I can survive, regardless of what’s causing it.

The Rose Marie Rathbun account is back up.

Uh-oh. Just learned my nieces lost their grandfather. I’m assuming this is the guy in his 90s that was Bill’s dad. Again, sorry for the girls, but not “sorry.” Didn’t know the grandfather, though. Maybe he was a good guy, quite unlike his son.

I feel so bad for the women of Texas. Such a shit state. They cut free birth control from poor women. If they can’t afford birth control, how do they expect them to pay for the kids they didn’t want? And if they put them all up for adoption, who are all these people that are going to adopt them or that would even want to? Kids aren’t the in thing these days. It’s all about careers and making money. Not that I’d ever want to live in a country as fucked as India, but if I did, no one would ever question my lack of job and not driving. Ever.

Seriously, what’s wrong with this world? They’ll give the money they were funding the BC with to some other country.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2016 My weight hit a new low of 146.0 yesterday. I’m already able to get around easier and even my joints have been better.

Rather than change Stacey’s positive review on Yelp to a mediocre one, I decided to simply delete it.

I’m getting backed up on things, so I’ll write more on Stacey later.

This is my third day on Estroven. Although it’s too soon to say whether or not it’s helping, I did sleep a little better last night.

I continue to suffer from on-and-off anxiety that is sometimes accompanied by a racing heart. Sometimes my chest feels tight and I go from hot to cold. Also, my muscles sometimes tense up and I tremble.

Decided to take this stable moment I’m having right now to catch up on writing. After hesitating a while, not wanting to put any more drama on Tammy’s shoulders when she has enough of her own, I finally decided to call her yesterday afternoon and she made me feel SO much better. She let me know she’s always there for me and that I can always call, and I really appreciate it. She’s had experience with a lot of the same shit I’m going through and I wanted to ask more about her experience with Estroven. The box said it could take up to a couple of months to feel the effects, Tammy said it was a week for her, but then some women may not benefit at all. I guess everyone’s different. It might be making me drowsy, though I’m not sure. Just in case, I’ll start taking it toward the end of my day when I go to eat for the last time. I do still get fatigued at times regardless.

Sometimes I get anxious and then I get frustrated because I got anxious which makes me depressed to the point of tears. The thought of possibly having to go through this for many more years to come is enough to make me want to scream. It’s like you don’t want to kill yourself but you don’t want to suffer either. Even though it shouldn’t be, I still worry the levothyroxine may be responsible for some of the anxiety, tightness and weight loss, especially since I tend to feel worse during the first part of my day. But I would still think that realistically, I’d be feeling a lot worse if it was the culprit, and more often.

The 22nd really sucked. First my meeting with Stacy didn’t go so well, then I was disappointed to find the new mattress was too firm, and then I went for my stress test.

The stress test was kind of fun and it went well. I was in and out quicker than expected, but hopefully we won’t have to go to this place again. Traffic and parking sucks in this location.

Tom was saying the other day how he misses Cigna, which we had down in Arizona. Everything was in one building, including the pharmacy. I agree. It was much better than having to go to different buildings in different towns.

So… at the cardiology department. Their goal was to bring my HR up to 169, but it just didn’t want to go over 166. Close enough, though. There was a nurse who took my blood pressure along the way, plus the technician.

Just like I was told it would, the treadmill increased in speed and incline at set intervals. I had to take off my shirt and bra and put on a johnny with the opening in front so that they could attach 10 different wires to my chest.

Everything looked good and my blood pressure did exactly what it was supposed to do. It started off normal, then the top number climbed to 30, then to 60, and then back to normal.

We ordered a 3” gel-infused memory foam mattress pad, and I hope it wasn’t a waste of additional money because I swear the new mattress looked fuller and felt plusher the next day. It gets better. We swapped mattresses temporarily, and then I decided to take my old mattress back until the mattress pad arrived, and I swear it’s not tilted anymore, LOL. But it does still sag a bit, and it would still fry my ass in the summer.

Last night I had this strange dream where I sent Doc A letters every now and then. Regular old fashion postal letters. I was talking to her in person and I asked her if she remembered me mentioning a certain thing (I don’t know what), and she smiled and said, “I don’t know. That was two or three letters ago.”

Then I was in “running school.” I was out on a field running with several other people. Then I went and called Tammy to let her know how I was doing there. A family-owned school and the area where the “student” phones were located was close to a couple of vending machines with notices on them saying they were off-limits. They were for the family only.

Then I noticed a leak nearby in some corner by a staircase and wondered if anybody else had noticed it.

Later…

I still haven’t decided if I’m going to see Stacey again (I don’t think so), but after discussing her in-depth with Tom, I feel a lot better at least where she’s concerned. Well, I still have 11 days to decide if I want to see her, see another therapist, or not see anyone at all.

If I cancel, though, I’ll call the main line and not her line. I thought about tipping her off by canceling on her line and letting her know a letter of explanation was on the way, but that would give her a chance to ignore it or let someone else handle it. Plus, she could spite me by saying I never canceled. I doubt she would do that, but I didn’t think she’d lead me on either, again, intentional or not.

I’m either going to bring the letter to her directly, or I’m going to cancel via the main line the day I drop the letter in the mail, then let her sit and wonder why I canceled without rescheduling while it takes a couple of days to reach her.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2016 My visit with Stacey was awful, I didn’t get the chance to tell her a lot of what I wanted to tell her, and for the first time ever I left there feeling disappointed, confused, stunned and a little angry. Yeah, that inevitable “change” has finally occurred. It’s like a third personality emerged or something, and she’s the last person I would ever have expected to turn out the way she has. I don’t know if I want to keep our January appt. The trust has been shaken and I’m not sure she can help me any more than she already has since we both agree this is likely physiological. So much so that I finally got desperate enough to try Estroven. I just felt too lousy to care about possible side effects.

Stacey herself recommended black cohosh and evening primrose. She said something about a gynecological procedure (I don’t remember what she called it) she had a decade ago that stopped her periods, but that she has experienced panic attacks and she’s still getting hot flashes at times, even at 58 years of age. Not knowing how many more years of suffering I could be in for, I decided on the Estroven that Tammy said she took after her hysterectomy. This is supposed to help with many symptoms but can take a couple of months to really take effect if it’s going to help.

The pharmacist said it could be taken with levothyroxine, just not at the same time, of course.

Anyway, the Stacey I saw yesterday is definitely not the Stacey I saw last summer. I totally see her in a different light now, and I wonder if the Stacey I looked up to and admired really is who I thought she was. Maybe she has some issues of her own?

I noticed as soon as she led me to her office that she seemed different. Her tone of voice. Her mannerisms. Even her office was different.

I asked if she noticed the difference in my weight loss and she shook her head no and she shut the door.

The feeling deepened.

Nonetheless, I took a seat in my usual place, and this time she sat at her desk and occasionally took notes. This was a good thing too, because one of my lesser complaints is her not remembering half the shit I tell her. I get that she has a lot of patients and can’t remember everything everyone tells her, but it’s still frustrating having to repeat myself so much. I almost feel like I’m dealing with Andy all over again.

I told her that I was both disappointed and excited to see her, and I admitted that I developed a crush of sorts on her.

“Well, you kind of told me,” she said.

She looked the best I’d ever seen her look. I usually prefer straight hair to curly hair. She usually straightens her hair, but this time it was both longer and curly and looked fabulous. She had more makeup on than usual which hid some of her plainness. Between this and that great body, she looked fantastic. She usually dresses in black or blue. This time it was blue, and when I told her she told me her favorite color was blue in a dream, she did admit that blue was a color she’d been liking lately.

I asked her if I had shown up in any of her dreams, and she said she didn’t remember her dreams. This is inconsistent with her telling me that she’s had dream premonitions. Maybe she just has dream premonitions occasionally?

She told me that my crush didn’t bother her but that she was concerned for me because she didn’t know if it would make working with her easier or harder. As I told her, it shouldn’t make any difference. If someone can help me and be beneficial to me in any way, then it doesn’t matter what they look like.

Then I asked her if she ever would have called me if I hadn���t called her, and she said no because it wasn’t something they (therapists) did. This confirmed my feeling that something was up. Something had changed.

“Can I ask you something?” I said.

She nodded.

“The last time I saw you you seemed happy when I gave you my contact info (I left out the part about where she said she didn’t want me to get the wrong idea when she told me she didn’t read my blog because that’s just not something she did, but it will be in the letter I plan to either give or send her). Why?”

She appeared caught off guard at first and a little put on the spot as she searched her mind for an answer. A few seconds later she said something to the effect of, “Well, I thought it through. I just thought it was nice of you to share. It was done in a way where I didn’t feel spied on or followed.”

This answer makes no sense. Why would you feel “spied” on or “followed” because somebody gives you their contact info? I wonder if she has some way of knowing I’ve looked in on her, though I don’t see how. I did admit that I was curious enough to Google her, as people do all the time with whoever, and that I did know a lot about her.

“It’s pretty easy to do these days,” she said in a tone that suggested I wasn’t smarter than anyone else by coming up with that idea or any magical info that others couldn’t find if they really wanted to.

Then she said something about how the last time I left I gave her every impression that that would be it and she only called me because I asked her to, which is true, and I appreciate it. What I don’t appreciate is the sudden change in her, but I still swear by what I saw. She gave me every indication that she liked me just as much as I liked her. The body language was there, the things she said, the way she said them, etc. I couldn’t be that bad at reading people all of a sudden.

It’s like there are three Staceys. There’s the first one who was quiet, easygoing and professional. There’s the second one that was bordering on flirtatious, or at least suggesting that my fondness for her was welcome and mutual. And then there’s this third one… distant, cold, telling me I’m never going to get the “outcome” I want.

But that’s just the thing. I never had any expected plan or outcome, though I did have hopes. I didn’t really think we would be lovers or friends, but I had hoped for at least some ongoing phone or digital communication either between appointments or after I finally managed to pull my ass out of Anxiety Land for more than five minutes. She gave me every indication to think that that’s what would have happened by her reaction when I gave her my contact info. That we would keep in touch.

I’m 51 years old and I still don’t know better. Yes, I blame myself just as much as I blame her for the mixed signals. I really would have appreciated it if she had just told me she couldn’t call me when I gave her my contact info. Would that really have been so hard? This is why I hesitate to have friends.

Maybe she really did feel something (I still stand by what I saw/heard), but then it scared her once she realized things could end up going too far, at least in her mind.

All I know is that her behavior is weird and I think it borders on inappropriate. On the flip side, I still think she’s a fantastic counselor. I think the EMDR has prevented me from having additional panic attacks, and sometimes the tapping still helps, too.

She got a kick out of how well-worded my description was of my old life versus this life where I wondered how my life got so bad when I was poor, and how I now wonder how it got so bad without being bad.

She asked if I thought I ended my sessions too soon, if I thought the past poverty was haunting me or my childhood, and I honestly don’t know, though I doubt it. I told her I did have a strange memory that could really be just a dream that I’m remembering, and asked if she worked on memory recall and how you could know if the memory was real or not. She said something like, “You don’t always know, but I’m pretty intuitive.”

She told me she thinks I had a horrible mother but that my problem is mostly physiological, and I asked her if she thought there could be anything else going on. She said she doesn’t know.

My guess is that there probably isn’t.

What else… her sister’s also going through menopause, being home alone so much can’t be good for me, Florida might be good for me, traveling might be good for me, etc.

I’ve got to learn from now on that no matter how obvious someone’s attraction/fondness for me appears, it doesn’t actually mean anything and I need to just ignore it. Why have I gotten this kind of shit from women for so long? Act like they like me and want to keep in touch, then become a totally different person to the point that you would never guess that they acted that way. If you don’t want to keep in touch with someone then why act like you do?

Our meeting might explain the plane crash I survived in my dreams the night before. We took off somewhere, then all of a sudden things got oddly quiet and we crashed into a shallow body of water. No one was hurt and I didn’t even seem all that scared.

In other words, she’ll let me down but I’ll survive?

I also swear I had another negative dream about her right before I saw her, but I’m not sure what it was about.

I came home depressed and tired and unsure if I should bother seeing her again. I have an appointment scheduled for January 4th. I have drafted a letter containing my thoughts to her, which as I told her, I chose to write so that I can edit it in a way I think is most understandable. I went over and over in my mind whether or not I should cancel the appointment and how to get the letter to her. I asked Tom if I should continue seeing her and he said if I thought I needed to talk to a therapist, I should see her.

Well, I don’t see the need to report her, but I do think some of her behavior wasn’t appropriate. So I decided to leave it to fate. If I can make the appointment I’ll hand her the letter, ask that she read it afterward (it’s over 1550 words) and then be the one to decide whether or not we should continue. If I have to cancel the appointment I’ll mail it to her at work. I’m 90% sure she’ll drop me either way, though.

The question I’ve asked myself after reading the draft several times is… could this letter get me into any kind of trouble?

I honestly don’t see how it could.

Also, could she have the power to spite me if it angers her in any way? I realized that anyone can change, no one is necessarily who we think they are, and anyone is capable of just about anything. I don’t think it would, but if it did piss her off, she could cry suicide on my behalf. She could call the police saying I threatened to kill myself over the phone or something and there would be no way to prove otherwise until phone records could be checked and verified. Hopefully, she would be smart enough to think it through and realize that even if she was initially believed, a lie like that could be proven eventually. God fucking help her if she ever did anything like that, but I think she’ll just read the letter, file it away, and end our sessions.

Since we were on the subject just yesterday, I checked out her house again. It’s big and nicer than I realized at first, and I think it’s a two-car garage, not a one.

Here’s one of those rare cases I feel jealousy kicking in as I did with Alyssa. Stacey’s life may not be perfect and she may not always feel great, but she seems to be a very capable person who has it all. Beautiful home, a husband who can obviously perform since they’ve got a kid, the right to choose if she wanted that kid in the first place, the ability to drive, keep a schedule, and have a great paying career. On top of that, she looks great for her age, though maybe a bit frail.

I really wonder if she hasn’t read my blogs like she said she hasn’t. It just seems like it would be so hard to resist the curiosity, especially now that she knows I like her, but I would be even more surprised if she hasn’t checked my Facebook profile.

Also, I noticed the sudden jump in Florida and Texas visitors. She has family in both states. But they don’t appear to have gone to Blogger, though. Just Prosebox. I don’t think my Prosebox account could be found that easily unless you’re really good at finding people’s accounts.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2016 Seeing Stacey in 7.5 hours. Exciting! I just wish I’d slept longer because I’ll be up for something like 14 hours by the time I hit the treadmill in Doc O’s building.

My new mattress came and I guess we’ll set that up either between appointments or before Stacey.

I can’t help but wonder… is she as excited to see me as I am excited to see her?

I’m just tired of suffering. My anxiety was low yesterday, but I had crying spells and my lungs were quite tight at times. So much so that I had pain in my upper back. Once again I started worrying about my medication, but upon reading through last year’s journal, I found that I had a TSH of 8.34 and said I was feeling great.

Didn’t have great dreams last night, though. We were on a plane when all of a sudden things got oddly quiet. Fortunately, we had just taken off and were able to land without injury and a shallow body of water. I wasn’t as scared as you would think I would be.

Then there was something about having to cut a vacation somewhere short. I don’t know why we had to end it but I was a little bummed out because it seemed to be fun.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2016 I don’t know how long it will last, but today I feel the best I’ve felt in days. I’m wondering if it’s because this kick-ass period is finally winding down or because Stacey is now just 26 hours away. Probably a little of both. More like 25 hours away, actually. So disappointed and so excited! LOL

I know she was in my dreams last night, but I don’t remember what it was about.

I’m still having a little trouble focusing, but I’m doing my best to keep up with things. Once the sun comes up a little more I’ll do some cleaning. Maybe I’ll get back to my editing projects, and go for a walk. Of course tomorrow I’ll be doing plenty of walking during the stress test.

A bag of mandarins was left by the back door and we’re guessing that it’s from the park since they appear to be store-bought and there was no card included.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2016 For the first time in years, I laid in bed yesterday morning with my phone nearby actually praying to God or anything that might listen for Stacey to please, please hurry up and call. My anxiety wasn’t the worst in that my heart wasn’t racing, but I still felt anxious enough. I remembered that the last time she called me to reschedule an appointment was around 9:30. I was hoping she’d check her messages as soon as she got to her office at 8:00, and call me before her first appointment of the day which I think starts at 8:30.

By 9:15 I was worried she might be on vacation but had forgotten to update her outgoing message, even though this seemed unlikely. And then… my ringtone was literally like music to my ears. I was so relieved she called!

She started off with something like, “Hi Jodi, this is Stacey A call—”

“Oh, thank God!” I cut her off with, and she laughed. So we spoke for a while and that alone made me feel SO much better. Although it’s with mixed emotions, I’ll be seeing her in just 2 days. I’m amazed she got me in THAT fast, but seriously appreciative. My anxiety has been like a regular little yo-yo and it’s getting old.

Part of me wishes I had our conversation recorded so I could replay it to see if I still perceive her tone of voice the same as I remember it to be. Did she really sound “unchanged?” Did she really seem happy to hear from me?

It’s just that I can’t help but remember that counselor from back east – Debbie, I think her name was – who gave me mixed signals before she dumped me. She and Stacey may be two different people, but I hope she doesn’t change, so to speak. I just have to be careful what I say and how often. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

When I first started with, “Oh, thank God,” I didn’t expect her to laugh. I thought she would have that lower-pitched, professional voice she started off with and kind of give an “oh,” of sorts that almost sounds like a grunt or a snort, then ask what was up.

My quick chat with Stacey got me feeling so much better that I was so wound up that I was unable to sleep, so I took lorazepam so I wouldn’t lay there forever. I feel better but still not good. I’m also still mostly sure that it’s the perimenopause and not my medication, but there’s still a tiny part of me that worries and it is, or that I somehow developed a freak anxiety disorder that I’m stuck with for life. Although I haven’t had the kind of mindfuckers the higher dosage gave me, I am having tightness on and off, which can also be a symptom of perimenopause. Again, it’s hard to distinguish when different things mimic the same symptoms. I turn the big air cleaner up which I sometimes forget to do. It’s just been way too cold to air the place out.

She was so funny because she kinda spoke in a way that sounded both goofy and cheery yet she wasn’t without empathy and understanding for what I was going through. If making the appointment can make me feel so much better, imagine how much better the actual appointment will make me feel. And yeah, I’m going to ask if she can keep me on as a regular for a while. I can’t even keep my ass out of Anxiety Land for a year.

The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Me: I was doing so well for so long.

Her: Oh, great.

Me: The plan was to call you in a couple of months, but first my sister had a heart attack.

Her: Oh, vey.

Me: She did survive and they put stents in her arteries, but the whole thing is scary. They’re going to do a stress test on me, and even though I think I’m still heart-healthy, I worry about this.

Her: Ayayay.

Me: One of my rats died…

Her: Aw.

Me: Things were going so well. I went vegan and lost a noticeable amount of weight.

Her: Wow!

Me: But then my anxiety came back and just when I thought I signed out of Bleederville for good after 3.5 months without a period, I get slammed full force with one. I asked a cyber friend who’s been through it if the anxiety can take a few months off and then return, and she said it could.

Her: Yeah, it can.

Me: Sometimes I even end up crying over nothing and everything. Tom suggested I call you a few days ago, and I wanted to but was afraid you would be disappointed in me.

Her: Oh no, anybody’s anxiety can return.

(Even though perhaps I shouldn’t, I still feel like a wimp. I’m just surprised and disappointed with this setback)

Her: Would you like to come in this week?

Me: Definitely. I could hug you for that.

Her: (a laugh?)

Me: I’ve missed you and I’ve thought of you every day, but this is not what I wanted. Despite the mixed emotions, I look forward to seeing you.

The only thing that struck me as odd was that she asked for my DOB. Again, if she likes me, wouldn’t she be curious to know this and have looked it up a long time ago?

Shortly after I hung up with Stacey, her secretary called to bump me up to 9:30, saying she would be out of the office at 8:30, which was when she scheduled me. 9:30 will be fine. It still gives us time between my stress test, which will be at 2:30.

Why did she schedule me at 8:30 if she knew she would be out of the office, and how come it wasn’t her who called back to reschedule?

I slept 9.5 hours and surprisingly I’m still a little out of it today. Maybe that’s because I’m still bleeding like a faucet. I’m also having a horrible time focusing. Concentration is usually a challenge for me because of my ADD, but it seems worse. My mind is racing like crazy. I’m excited to see Stacey, but I’m worried for myself.

Later…

Had to stop writing because I started feeling shitty. My lungs became tight, I was going from hot to cold, anxious, trembling, weak, and then I had a crying fit, prayed to God for whatever it was worth, and then all of a sudden I was fine. At this moment – in this very moment that I write these words – I actually feel normal. Tired but normal. I know it won’t last long, and I doubt prayer had anything to do with it, but I have noticed a pattern. I seem to feel best toward the end of my day. So what am I going to do from now on… suffer the first 10-12 hours of my day before I get a few hours of relief?

How I still wish I could wind back the hands of time to before this ever started and before I had any idea it was possible to even feel this way! How I wish I had more straightforward problems if I had to have them! Earaches… toothaches… colds… all so simple compared to this. There’s no mystery involved with those things, and you can usually see an end in sight.

I was reading back on past problems from years ago that seemed like the end of the world at the time. Yet I hadn’t seen anything yet. The real suffering had yet to begin.

I turned the large air cleaner up in the living room, hoping it would help my lungs. I can’t believe it could be that effective this fast, but I really should leave it on high more often. It’s just that I like to enjoy the peace of the night when I’m on nights.

In last night’s dream, I was in some house somewhere and it seemed like my MIL and SIL might have been there. They appeared to be upset with me and were giving me the cold shoulder. I couldn’t figure out why.

I went into a bedroom and started making a bed that was mine with floral sheets. Then I proceeded to head into the bathroom.

“Someone’s in here,” my MIL said, and I quickly backed out of the room.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2016 My anxiety is bad again after having a great ending to my day yesterday. I don’t even know how long I can stand to sit upright and make this entry. I may have to do it in spurts.

I was anxious for the first half of my day yesterday but in the last half, I actually felt great. We got the hell out and went to Walgreens for starters where I got a rainbow beanie baby, pink nail polish, candy, incense, and lavender bath bombs.

Then at Walmart, I got hair dye, soda, scented wax cubes, treats, and a wooden burrow for the rats.

I slept better, but not quite as long as I would have liked, and I’ve been tired and anxious all night. The only thing I had that made me feel better was a few chicken wings. So much for going vegan. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited 12 hours into my day to have it, so tomorrow I will “chicken out” sooner, even though I would still prefer to avoid meat. I didn’t want to take a lorazepam and fall asleep sooner than I wanted to, so that’s why I opted for the chicken. I also wanted to do some cleaning without stumbling around as if I were drunk. Lastly, I need to start staying up later for the stress test.

Most of all, I really, really need to get in to see Stacey, and I really, really hope I hear from her this morning and that she’s not on vacation, even though she didn’t mention being out of the office on her outgoing message.

Tom is sure that this is perimenopause and I’m almost sure it is too, but again, I wish I could know for sure and also know how long this shit is going to torture me. It really is getting to be too much. I’m getting to the point once again where I’m afraid to get out of bed each day. I’m having trouble focusing on things and it just really sucks. When we were broke I wondered how my life got so bad. Now I wonder how my life got so bad without actually being bad. I feel totally hated from above and like I’m destined to suffer no matter what.

I finally got a full flow and I thought that would help make me feel better, and I am a little better, but I’m still far from calm. Getting another period is really disappointing. I really thought both the anxiety and the periods were over. Maybe the fatigue and dizziness will return but I’ll take that over anxiety any day.

I’ve also been experiencing some depression where I just lay in bed and have crying spells. I keep asking myself, is perimenopause supposed to make a woman this emotional???

I did manage to do a few things. I took my Italian lesson, I did some cleaning, and I also did 20 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of strength training.

But editing my last story, beginning another story, and working on my monthly bio have been badly neglected. I just feel like lying around in bed so much of the time. It’s like I fear that if I move more it will aggravate my anxiety in the way movement aggravates my cramps.

I thought of calling Tammy, but she has her own problems and I’m not sure she would be all that supportive. We’re closer but not “close.” Kim is continuing to blow me off, too. I asked her a couple of days ago some questions about perimenopause and she’s completely ignoring me, so fine. Maybe Stacey will call me, like I said.

I just hope that if I do talk to her or meet with her she doesn’t appear “changed.” I’ve noticed this with some people who seem to really like you and care about you, and then suddenly they don’t. I mean I know she likes me. I just wonder if she’ll drop as many hints about it next time and still seem as flattered by any compliments I may give her, though right now my most important goal is trying to get this anxiety under wraps once again, and hopefully not just for a few months. I can’t even go a year for fuck’s sake! So yeah, I hope she’s as warm as she was before, but my emotions are what matters most and not what she’s thinking or feeling.

The only other thing I’m going to say for now is that the house on the opposite corner where that obnoxious contractor lived has sold. Hoping they don’t do the same thing, but you know what? I wish to hell noisy neighbors were my worst of problems right now.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2016 Sometimes it doesn’t seem very fair that I ask some people on a regular basis how they feel, yet they don’t ask me how I feel. Like Tammy, for example. Nor do I get a “hope you feel better soon” when they know I’ve been having a rough patch as I often give them when they fall into a snit.

shrugs I guess I’m just me and they’re just them, right?

Speaking of people, I did some self-analyzing and I realize that I still need to be a little more unforgiving than I tend to be for the sake of looking out for my ass. No, I wouldn’t forgive Maliheh or Andy, and I probably wouldn’t forgive Nane, but sadly, I may still be tempted to forgive Alison if she reached out to me, so this is something I feel I still need to work on. Being friends with her again would mean not being able to trust everything she told me, and eventually getting dumped again unless I took the honors first for some reason.

The only thing I’m good at (at least in my own personal opinion) is that I treat everybody the same. Meaning that if you abused me or you abandoned me, I’m still not going to forgive you for it even if you may be related to me. I figure people are still people whether we’re related or not and there’s never any excuse for certain behavior. My mother giving birth to me was never any excuse or ticket to be allowed to abuse me or to be worthy of forgiveness, and just because my father got my mother pregnant, I don’t see where he deserves forgiveness for sitting back and allowing her to do what she did. As for those estranged family members that chose to out themselves from my life… YOU chose that and that’s the way it stays. :-) I think more people should learn that once we make major decisions like that we can’t just change back and forth like we can with clothes.

So what I’m saying is… if someone dumps me or if I feel they’re toxic enough to dump them, related to me or not, that’s the way it should stay. I really hope, however, that anyone who is currently in my life will stay in it forever. I know nothing’s ever guaranteed, but I’d like that. :-) I’m getting too old to squabble over stupid petty shit with anyone. I just want peace. :-)

I know that different people have different beliefs and opinions when it comes to what/who’s forgivable and what/who’s not. Some people will forgive someone for beating the shit out of them simply because they’re family while they would never forgive a friend who said something mean to them in the heat of the moment. Do I personally think this is twisted? Yes, I do. But we all have the right to do what’s best for us.

I have more to write about, but right now I want to go soak in the tub and get some food in my surprisingly near-flat tummy. Will do another entry later.

Later…

Determined to finally get caught up with my writing, and write for me. Me first, online censorship second.

I felt better when Tom got up for work yesterday, and the rest of my day was fine. I would have slept better too, if it weren’t for the nightmare I had, but I’ll get to that later.

A couple of hours after getting up I had feelings of anxiety in my chest rather than the upper gut, and I’m starting to go beyond spotting, too. I am still hoping that I’m at the beginning of the end of the perimenopause. Based on what’s gone on over the last few years, and what I read and heard from other people, I should be. I am hoping that once my body gives up on trying to create real periods the anxiety that has been coming and going will back off for good.

There is still a possibility it could be heart/medication-related, but I hope not! I don’t think it is, but it sure would be nice to know instead of just think. The only times we were sure it was the med were July of 2014 and October of 2015 due to pocket flares and increased dosage.

For now, all I can do is enjoy whatever moments of serenity I can get. The lorazepam may make me feel calmer, but it renders me pretty useless because I get so drowsy that all I want to do is lie in bed. So anxiety medication really isn’t an option for me. The short-lasting ones make me tired and SSRI drugs have side effects. I just wish I were tougher and better at suffering when the anxiety really bites! I’m doing all I can to help myself, but it doesn’t always seem like enough. I’m just thankful that Stacey’s EMDR has helped make things a little less scary for me.

At the moment I feel okay, like I said. Just a little tired. I don’t think I’m going to sleep much better until the new bed arrives and that’s still about a week away. Since Tom will be home (this is his only day off this week, unfortunately) I’m going to try to skip the lorazepam today if I feel anxious again later so that I’m not drowsy. I want to be able to do things. We’re going to be going out shopping real early in the morning. Just fun shopping that we do once a month or so, and nothing major.

I don’t remember who it was, but some celebrity who had a baby said she swore she would not let herself get depressed afterward, but she did anyway, that’s how powerful our hormones are. They control us and not the other way around as much as it would be nice if that were the way it could be. So yeah, positive thinking is great, but it doesn’t always cut it. I ended up bawling my eyes out for a good hour or so last night before Tom got up, and I found my thoughts turning dark. If only – if only I could know how much longer this anxiety will go on. If I knew our hunch was right and that it was the perimenopause and that it would end within a year or so, I could handle that. But if I knew it would go on for 5-10 years or maybe even the rest of my life, I would probably end it all. This is too much to manage for that long, especially since medication isn’t really an option. Even Stacey didn’t seem to think highly of anxiety medication, especially since you can still have symptoms with the medication.

When it started back up again, I knew it wouldn’t be just for a few days. Nothing is ever that short and sweet for me. I just never get off that easy. This will probably go on until at least March. And all my problems as a whole do last for years and are long-term. Well, it’s been 2.5 years already. Enough is enough.

Then what? Back to poverty? People trying to seek legal revenge for some reason? Almost anything would be better than this shit!

Here’s something weird. I came across a Rose Marie Rathbun on Facebook who’s from Texas and living in Arizona. When I first glanced at her face I thought I detected a hint of familiarity, but the eye color wasn’t the deep brown I remember it to be. This person also had gray hair and was listed as a social worker. Somehow I doubt Rosemarie, as briefly as I knew her, would let her hair go gray. I also can’t imagine the insensitive judgmental bitch as a social worker.

Nonetheless, I asked her if she lived in the Vista Ventana Apartments in 1992 and had a boyfriend named Rick. She said she didn’t and then I thanked her before she blocked me.

Now why in the world would she block me for asking if she was a certain person from a certain place? My only guess is that it could be for downloading a couple of her really beautiful desert pictures, but I don’t think anyone can know that. They know if we share their pictures, but not if we download them. I just wonder if she really does have something to hide or if she’s paranoid and maybe thinks I’m someone else, but either way, it is a bit strange. Unless she’s wearing contacts and decided to become a whole different person, I doubt it’s her.

Hmmm… Maybe her disappearance has nothing to do with me because I couldn’t even access her profile from Tom’s account. Unless the real Rosemarie read my journal, looked up Tom and blocked him, it’s not her. She never knew my last name any more than I knew hers. I’d say she deactivated the account.

A few days ago Aly tweeted: Lost a friend not worth fighting for but gained respect for a few people along the way. Also, she’s glad she stayed calm last night and has to remember that she controls her anger and not the other way around.

This is no surprise at all, though I would really love it if Kim dumped her ass. That would be the real karma for her. Between Aly’s lies and clinginess, she’ll just keep dumping people and they’ll keep dumping her. Kim is simply too crazy to let Aly go, and Aly hangs onto her because Kim doesn’t dare tell her what she doesn’t want to hear.

I can still smell my cucumber melon bath bomb. I usually don’t smell them after I get out of the tub.

So I had a dream I overheard Alyssa tell someone that she had a CD for sale on Amazon (of her singing?), and then in another dream, I realized I had been single for quite some time and didn’t want to change that.

Then I had a long, detailed, scary dream where I seemed to live in some other neighborhood somewhere. I was outdoors and in the area but not by our house. I’m not sure what I was doing, but a dark-haired woman in her late 30s was standing nearby.

I said hello and she returned the greeting. I told her I’d seen her around and asked her name. She told me it was India.

Then she told me she was running from her abusive husband, and that when he found her at her mother’s place, he broke in and ransacked the place.

A split second later we were talking inside our house. This made me a little uncomfortable. I felt bad for the woman, but I didn’t want her stalker to be watching her and then to become a target myself because I let her inside. She was giving me the impression that he would go after anybody who paid any attention to her.

Sure enough, I heard these strange sounds a short while later. The woman disappeared into thin air as I ran to the front door and noticed that the knob and lock were both gone. There weren’t even any holes where they had been. The door was now just one solid panel of wood with no way to open it.

I ran to the back door and found the same thing and wondered how the hell the guy managed to pull all that off without me hearing it.

Next, I ran in search of my phone but couldn’t find it. In reality, our house has a front and back door, but in the dream, there was a third door that was standing partially open. It was dark now and I was surprised to find an inch of snow on the ground. Too pissed to stay scared or try to figure out why there was snow on the ground, I burst into the night hell-bent on finding and ripping the guy to shreds. I screamed for the guy to come face me as I ran toward next door, which my dream self still identified as being Bob and Virginia. The dream ended with me still furiously demanding that he show himself, bare feet not feeling the coldness of the snow.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2016 I have been through sheer hell. My hormones are going crazy. My body is trying to kick off another period, but can’t quite pull it off. From what I’ve read and been told I should be pretty much done with the period part of things by age 52 or sooner in my case. It’s the anxiety that’s killing me. The hot flashes suck too, but those are more annoying and uncomfortable. The anxiety can get to be both scary and depressing. Even when my heart isn’t racing I can still feel anxious. It’s horrible. I don’t understand why I did so well for so long and now it’s returned, but I am told that’s normal. I wonder if the dizziness and fatigue are going to return as well. Anything’s better than anxiety, but if I’m tired again lately it’s because I have been sleeping poorly or I sometimes have to take lorazepam.

The night before last I slept okay, but last night was horrible. I woke up on fire, heart-pounding fiercely. With the covers, I was too warm and without them, I was too cold, and back and forth and back and forth. It’s a never-ending cycle of hell all over again with no possible end in sight.

My first guess is the perimenopause, my second guess is my medication, and my last guess would be something wrong with my heart. Assuming isn’t the same as knowing, and it gets so fucking frustrating because I don’t understand why they don’t have tests that can identify this for sure is being perimenopause, as obvious as my symptoms are. I will know all I need to know about my heart on the 22nd, so that leaves the medication. The numbers say no way, but some of the symptoms are the same as when I went thyrotoxic. That’s what sucks about some things when the timing is shitty and things are occurring at the same time that can mimic similar symptoms. HR isn’t elevated enough and consistently enough for the meds to be at play, so Tom and I both suspect the peri.

I had slight heartburn and queasiness for reasons I don’t know before I fell asleep. When I woke up overheated and with a racing heart, I had the runs and felt short of breath.

Although I wasn’t panicking, I called Tom at work because I knew it would help to hear his voice. Once again I’m alone so much of the time and that doesn’t help. One can still suffer no matter who is or isn’t around, but it’s always a little more comforting to do it with your loved ones around. I’m not like I was 20 years ago. I can’t be left alone for such long periods of time anymore.

I try to focus on doing things and keeping busy to distract my mind from my worries, but that’s pretty hard to do when you feel so shitty that that in itself is distracting you from concentrating on anything. Sometimes all I want to do is lie in bed; another thing I read is common and that can sometimes be mistaken for depression. I’m in a depressing situation, all right, but I’m not “depressed.” Just going through the worst perimenopause ever and hoping my meds and heart aren’t also a factor.

I want to sleep until it’s over but there’s no escape in sleep when all I do is keep waking up feeling like I’m on fire and my heart’s about to jump out of my chest.

When I got up at one point to use the bathroom, I was surprised that there was no callback from Stacey… and then I remembered… duh! She’s at her private practice on Fridays, so she won’t pick up my message until Monday morning.

Sometimes I miss some aspects of my old life, but not the old life itself. When I was younger I tended to live more in the moment, and when I did worry about the future it was more about what I would do while I still had plenty of time left to live. Not that I don’t still have plenty of time left to live (unless this shit finally kills me), but I worry more about the end… growing old, suffering, death and dying, etc.

I would like to publish this now along with finishing the laundry, and doing the things I usually do during my day that I’ve either neglected or not done enough of but because the lorazepam has left me drowsy I’ll publish it later.

I told Tom about Stacey and he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t seem worried or surprised. Stacey’s harmless, so I suppose that telling him that she’s attracted to me isn’t much different than telling him I’d like a drink of orange juice. He trusts me and he knows that he’s my number one no matter what. Not that I expect to do so, but I could hug her, I could hold her hand, I could kiss her, I could snuggle up with her and chat… but nothing she could ever say or do would get me to leave Tom, not that I could imagine her ever trying to.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2016 So where two days ago was bad, I would describe yesterday as semi-bad, and today much better. I even slept better and didn’t wake up with a racing heart. Between the end of my day yesterday and now I have felt okay, though I’m starting to feel a little off.

My boobs are also a little sore and I have slight cramps.

Christine confirmed that the perimenopause symptoms aren’t consistent, which is what I’m now guessing this is since the symptoms aren’t as extreme as when I had high thyroid, and I’m not experiencing a couple of the symptoms I had then. Plus, there are my numbers to consider, and I really shouldn’t have any problems on this dose at this point. Hot flashes, racing heart, butterflies in the stomach… that’s what I’m experiencing for the most part.

Things really have shitty timing in life. Because I saw that my TSH was lower right after my stomach went on the fritz and my heart started racing a bit, I thought it was the meds. It still could be, but it seems unlikely at this point. Especially since you really don’t get any days off when you go thyrotoxic. The symptoms are much more extreme, relentless, plentiful and downright severe. Being high on thyroid will “mindfuck” you as well as affect you physically. Where you can get grumpy and maybe a bit depressed going through perimenopause, having too much thyroid makes you feel fearful. Because I’m not having that or any lung tightness, I gotta go with perimenopause. I’m just tired of never having any sure, concrete answers! To assume isn’t the same as knowing, and this is just fucking ridiculous. I don’t know if I’m going to be tortured at random on and off all my life or not. If it’s perimenopause, then I could have another 7.5 years of intermittent torture. Do you know how bad that makes me want to scream?

It’s such a huge disappointment after doing so well for so long. No wonder I was feeling like things were too good to be true.

My doctor is on vacation until after the New Year and her nurse, Zaradhe, is answering her messages. Zaradhe told me that after my stress test, they might consider ordering me a heart rhythm monitor that you wear and press every time you have symptoms. My guess is that I’m still heart-healthy, but this might be a good thing to look into.

Every time I get excited about not having to have any appointments for a few months, things come up and more are added. Like something up there wants to keep the appointments going. I now need to follow up two weeks after the echocardiogram with Dr. A to discuss the results and the heart monitor, plus I might be seeing Stacey, something I have mixed emotions about for reasons I’ve already mentioned.

I left Stacey a message at 4:15, but I never heard back from her, even though she didn’t mention being out of the office in her outgoing message. It was definitely her low-pitched, soothing, sexy, almost husky voice I heard, and that voice definitely didn’t say her hours had changed.

So yeah, mixed emotions. So much for my Valentine’s call, though life is never what we plan it to be. I would rather see her under happier circumstances, but it’s nice to know she’s there for me when I need her.

I’m still not sure whether I would prefer to see her just at her office or anywhere else. I’d love to be her friend and for her to be mine, but I have my hesitations about that. I just wish I knew what she was open to. I think that would help influence my decision, though to be honest, I’m open to pretty much anything. Even though I would miss her, I would be okay with it if I knew I would never see her again. At the same time, I like the idea of seeing her (wherever) every few months or so because she seems to really help keep me going. Not that Tom doesn’t do a fine job on his own of that, but she lends an extra hand that really enhances that, if that makes any sense.

Although this may be a silly thing to think and I know she wouldn’t judge me for it, just like Tom said she wouldn’t, I worry about her being disappointed in me for having this setback. I think psychologically if I knew I had an appointment with her to look forward to every few months or so, it might help even more. I really do enjoy our chats, attracted to her or not.

They had a Christmas party at work. They actually rented time at a place called Dave and Buster’s where they have a lot of cool games. They gave him a gift card we can both use some time, plus a restaurant gift card and a movie theater gift card. We haven’t gone to the movies in years and I can’t believe anyone still does.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2016 Sadly, after doing so well for so long, the anxiety returned last night with a vengeance right after I made my last entry. Every time I think the nightmare is over, it eventually returns. I never would have expected this at this point on this dose.

Throughout most of the evening, my anxiety was borderline where the “butterflies” threatened to let loose in my chest. Just minutes after midnight I got really warm, my mouth went dry, I felt faint feelings of suffocation, I felt the urge to take a dump even though I didn’t just yet, my face felt flushed and tingly, my heart started racing into the triple digits, and then I started shaking like an epileptic. I went from hot to cold and back-and-forth. It took me about 20 minutes to get my heart down into the double digits, and about 40 minutes just to feel some semblance of calm.

Then I got hit with another attack and woke Tom up an hour early. So much for Stacey’s EMDR therapy, though it could’ve been a lot scarier than it was.

Yes, I did take a lorazepam.

All I could think was that my TSH got too low, and I didn’t understand how the doctor could say my thyroid was “better” if my T4 was down. Tom had to remind me that the TSH only measures how loud the pituitary gland is ordering it to do its job. It’s better in that the pit gland is now saying, “Okay, she’s still a little low on thyroid, but I accept that and I’m getting used to it.”

So both glands are making peace with each other. The T4 being down could explain the hair loss and dry skin, though that’s the least of my worries. Untreated my T4 was 0.9 and my TSH was 34. My anxiety was at its absolute worst when my T4 was around 1.4. Lately, it’s down to 1.1 from 1.2, but my TSH is also down. Tom insists that the T4 is the REAL thyroid number that matters and that he’s always heard that you can have anxiety even when your life is fine and even when you least expect it. Well, there’s definitely nothing wrong in my life right now, but this actually started slowly coming on about 5 days ago. It just didn’t come to a head until last night.

Either way, this ONLY happens on the drug. It was only AFTER I started levothyroxine that I began to have these attacks. Could perimenopause be more at play than I realize? Also, could perimenopause symptoms come and go like that? I asked Christine, who had bad anxiety before she was confirmed to be menopausal, if it was consistent or if it took breaks here and there. She’s probably in bed now, though.

I haven’t been lightheaded but everything has been worse this last week. I can’t say it was just stress over the appointment since the appointment’s over. I’m waking up more often and sometimes it’s with a racy heart. I’m just not as tired right now because I slept forever. I may have woken up a million times along the way, but I slept a whopping 10 hours or so.

Dr. A told me it’s a medical disorder causing this, but why would I develop this so late in life? I never had anxiety to this degree until two years ago, so why now, and is it going to torture me on and off at random for the rest of my life?

Although I’m sure she won’t agree with it, I not only let the doctor know what’s going on, but I also told her I skipped today’s dose just like I did a couple of days ago. I seem to feel best when my TSH is at 10, meaningless number or not.

Tom says there’s a guy in his 20s at work who had a bad flu or something like that and he went to the emergency room where he was given an inhaler. Ever since then he’s been having panic attacks for the first time in his life and has been missing a lot of work. Well, those inhalers are stimulants as is levothyroxine. Also, you can bet your ass it’s times like this that I’m glad as hell I work at home. I feel like my anxiety reflects in things around here, though. It’s not like I haven’t been able to keep up on things or function, but I’m not doing as much as I’d like to do. It’s been days since I worked on my By the Month bio or edited my story.

I still wonder if the weight loss and stomach issues were more due to anxiety building up and returning than a change of diet, though Tom’s pretty sure it’s the diet. Sure is weird if that’s the case because my body hasn’t responded to traditional dieting in years, and I really feel like I was having more calories than I should in order to be able to lose weight. Even when I was young I had to go down to around 1000 calories to lose. Either way, it was in my nature to be thin until my thyroid crapped out, but not afterward. It just seems like vegan or not, I shouldn’t have lost the 8 pounds, even if I can certainly afford to do so.

The only symptoms I’m not having this time around are the funky emotions where I get flashes of dread or suddenly want to scream, and I don’t feel like a semi is parked on my chest. I’m not always jittery either. I only get jittery when my heart races. Right now I feel perfectly calm, but I’m fair game any second to an attack, and things are always subject to change. Anxiety is very unpredictable. So long gone are the days when I believed something bad had to be going on in order for it to happen, and that you could control it.

I am still going to try my damnedest to control it as best I can by taking measures to do things that have a calming effect on me when it gets bad. Like maybe see Stacey, An idea I have mixed emotions about as I think she would as well. I have no doubt that she would be delighted to see me, but as I’m sure we both agree, it wouldn’t be under the greatest of circumstances. I really wanted to wait and call her in a couple of months just to say hi and let her know I’m doing well for the most part. Not, “I need to see you because I’m anxious again.”

She’s the Rolls-Royce of counselors, good-looking or not, and she’s a great lady who has a very calming effect on me and I love to chat with her. I just don’t want to be anxious again! I’m going to give it another day or two and see how I do, and then I’ll make a decision by the end of the week. I’m just tired of things getting in the way of my plans, even if life is rarely what we plan it to be. As fantastic as she is I’d rather never see her again (unless we became friends in the future) than to have to run to her because I’m anxious again. She is the anxiety expert, though.

I looked up what foods are rich in tryptophan other than meat, and found that beans and lentils are good sources of tryptophan as well.

My first thought was oh no, I’m going to suffer for three months just like the last time until I lower my dose, but I’m trying not to think that way. For now, I’m just going to enjoy the calm while it lasts. I just wish it wasn’t so scary when attacks happen even though I know damn well they can’t hurt me. The butterflies in the stomach are annoying and frustrating, but the racing heart gets scary. In a sense, it’s artificial fear.

So… Setting my fake fear aside for now, I have a new mattress on the way. It too, is a 13” mattress, only this one’s memory foam topper is infused with a cooling gel, it’s firmer, and it has a 10-year warranty. The mattress I have now came with no promises or guarantees of any kind. I got it almost 5 years ago and it’s sagging to the point where I’m starting to wake up with lower backaches.

Yesterday evening we went on a 15-minute walk down to the lake and back. It was cold and misty out, but nice.

Last night’s lavender sage bath bomb smelled surprisingly good. There’s one called Sinus Relief but I think I’ll save that for if I ever have a cold or flu again, which may be years from now. I rarely get sick in that way. While I’m not sick, though, I don’t want to come out of the tub smelling like Vicks.

I update Blogger every few days or so. Maybe because this entry is so long, I’ll update it tonight.

I dreamed I was riding my bike down a street that my dream self seemed to think was in Florida. I was stark naked as I pedaled down a narrow street with lots of dense palm trees to shade it. I came to a causeway and rolled over a narrow strip that was just wide enough for the tires and perhaps 6” long and onto the bridge. The bridge extended over the ocean and it rose upward to allow a boat to pass. Then it started to lower itself and I had to quickly stop the bike to keep from slipping into the water. There were other people around but they didn’t seem to notice my nudity.

I suddenly realized I didn’t have my phone with me and I wanted to go home before it got too late. So I started riding back and ended up inside someone’s house. There were three people sitting in the living room watching TV. I assumed them to be a couple and their teenage daughter.

“Oh, this is a private residence,” I said.

They noticed I was naked and had some questions for me. Unsure of how to explain it, I simply said that I was being paid a lot of money to do some dare, then I asked if I could leave now. LOL

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2016 I’m going to make this as quick as I can because I’m exhausted. I usually sleep better after an appointment because I’m relieved to have it done and over with, but I woke up a few times after sleeping less than six hours. The last time I woke up was due to a lower backache because my mattress is beginning to sag. I have a strong core since I work out regularly, so when my mattress gets my back aching, I know it’s time for an upgrade. I will describe the new mattress I’m getting another time.

While my cholesterol is still bad, I saw Doc A yesterday and she’s thrilled that my thyroid is better. So am I, but I’m also worried despite her assurances. I’m pleased with the weight loss just as much as she is, since losing weight helps with everything overall, as she said. Yet while this should be exciting, I still worry that my numbers are going to end up in a place that could leave me horribly anxious. It really, REALLY sucks to have to spend the rest of my life on a drug that has the potential to make me feel worse than I could ever imagine possible. But that’s just the way it is. After what happened I’m going to have this hanging over my head for as long as I live.

While I have been calmer overall this year, my anxiety is borderline right now, and of course I’m asking myself… is it just because I’m worried? Or are the meds affecting me even though my numbers don’t currently say they should be?

I think I’m just worried about those “what ifs.” I’m not always very good at telling myself not to worry unless something goes wrong. For now, I’m just trying to take it one step at a time and am applying Stacey’s emotional tapping regimen when I feel like I might be getting anxious. My HR is in the 90s and while that’s better than the triple digits, I like it best when it’s a comfortable 80-something. The 90s are more normal for me, though, like it or not. I just worry about my numbers getting too low, or any additional weight loss affecting that and how I feel.

My body is definitely acting like it once again has a metabolism. I don’t gain as much after eating, and the weight doesn’t hang on hour after hour afterward. Like I said, where this should be thrilling, it’s a little scary. Maybe a part of me also got used to being fat for so long. Despite the fact that obesity does run in my family, I never would have gotten fat had it not been for my thyroid. I’m simply not naturally heavy, though I have been heavy for years now. Before this, I spent most of my life average or underweight, though I did have a fat spell in my late teens due to a medication I was on.

The question is whether or not Stacey’s tricks would be as magical if I ever got as bad as I was when my endo tried me on 88’s. When something is medically induced it’s a lot harder to fight. Internal sources, as opposed to external sources, are always tougher. I would take the stress of worrying about money any day over health issues. Right now I’m just very thankful to be doing better and that my husband is, as he himself put it, “remarkably healthy.” He is obese and he does have high blood pressure, but he is otherwise healthy and determined to lose weight along with me. Fortunately for me, I don’t even have 30 pounds to go.

I’m glad I stuck with Doc A. The more I see her, the more I like her and feel comfortable with her as I get to know her and she gets to know and understand me. She’s a very sweet person.

She listened to my heart, lungs, and checked to make sure my ankles weren’t swollen. She didn’t pressure me at all about statins. I guess she wants to see the results of the stress test first. This is the only test I feel confident about, too.

For now, she’s going to test my thyroid again in March, but I won’t see her again until June, at which time I’ll have a full panel of blood work done as they do every year.

She refilled my inhaler even though I only had to use it once. Just because I don’t smoke doesn’t mean I can’t have an attack, and I feel comfortable having an inhaler available. I have had a few attacks since quitting smoking in 1997.

She also refilled that cream that my first doctor gave me for feminine itching.

I definitely feel more comfortable with her checking my thyroid regularly because the numbers simply aren’t etched in stone. They really can and do change. I just never thought my TSH would get this low on this dose.

For now, I guess I just keep eating healthy, keep active, continue losing weight, and hope for the best.

It’s kind of funny how it’s a known fact that obesity poses health risks, yet all four of the nurses and office workers I saw were obese. Not just a little overweight like me, but seriously obese. Guess that’s just the US for you.

The thing I look forward to most about losing weight isn’t appearance or health benefits, but mobility. Everything’s harder when you’re heavy, and I miss having a broader range of motion. I’m still fairly flexible, but not like I used to be and not like I could be if I dropped some weight.

Despite the fact that I will always have an underlying fear of medication in general, I was brave enough to let them give me a flu shot. Unfortunately, it’s only good for three months, yet flu season goes till June. I rarely get colds and flu, though, so I’m not worried.

So much for this being a quick entry, but I’m going to sign off for now.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2016 Had stomach issues again throughout the night, but not nearly as bad as last night.

I guess I’m ready now to write about the dreams I had. The strangest one involved living in the woods somewhere and having to share condiments with Aly that were left in a pile on some old tree stumps. She also lived in the woods somewhere. I don’t know what state we were in or how I knew she lived there as I didn’t actually seem to see her in the dream other than on the cover of a magazine.

The magazine was called One Person and it was about people who considered themselves independent in a way that they didn’t need friends, and they considered people to be disposable whenever and wherever. Aly’s picture was on the front of the magazine. She stood in a confident and determined pose, which was visible down to her mid-thigh or so. She was thin and her hair was very short and very straight.

Out of the condiments, I noticed that she seemed to hog up this particular salad dressing, but was kind enough to leave me another bottle of similar dressing.

Then Tom told me that a house was soon to be built nearby.

“Where?” I asked him.

“Over there,” he said pointing through the trees.

I was immediately disappointed because I knew that this meant having to deal with barking dogs that would always be outdoors.

Then I was lying in a hospital bed somewhere, though I wasn’t asleep. I was lying on my side when two girls who thought I was asleep snuck up on me as if they were about to pull some prank on me. I yelled something at them and they ran off.

Then I remembered I was supposed to meet Stacey somewhere at 7 o’clock, though I don’t know where since she doesn’t see patients that late. I wasn’t at home but was able to glance at a nearby clock, wherever I was, and see that it was already 7 o’clock. I hoped that Tom had contacted her to tell her I wouldn’t make it.

Lastly, I had some dream about a missing child. A bunch of elementary school kids was in the movie theater and I was watching as the police hauled them out in a hurry and sent them over to their waiting parents. I guess they wanted to get all the kids they could home safe until they located the one that was missing.

Later…

I’ve now lost a surprising 8 pounds! The results of my TSH test were just as surprising.

I checked the health site early in the morning and found that my lipid panel had come in the previous evening. They were just then posting the metabolic panel.

Not much change with my cholesterol, which is still bad. When I read my TSH score of 7.75, however, I started off in shock, then I was pleased, and then I started getting a little nervous.

My last TSH reading in August was 10.14, and my T4 was 1.2.

My recent results are 7.75 and 1.1. I really thought my TSH might have floated to 11 or 12 because my skin and hair are dry.

My stomach is now stable, and as some of you also know, I had horrible stomach cramps, nausea and the runs yesterday and the day before. Initially, I believed it was the sudden change of diet.

So anyway, I’m sitting there looking at the numbers and then I thought about it… the rapid weight loss, the stomach issues… could I be going hyper again? I still do overheat in my sleep at times and my heart races me awake. I just don’t freak out about it because I know what it is.

So I Skyped Tom the info at work and he assured me I��m not even close to hyper and reminded me that they could’ve tested me the day before and gotten a TSH of 13 and then 10 the day before, since that one fluctuates. The real thyroid numbers that matter is the T4 and it’s down, not up. He assured me I was just nervous because I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow with Dr. A, and I later realized he was right.

He assures me the weight loss is because I went vegan, it won’t always drop that fast, and my stomach issues were the results of the treats I had after the lab. Not food poisoning, a stomach bug or me going hyper.

Fortunately, I feel a lot better now otherwise I might have trouble believing him. One of the biggest symptoms of being hyper besides the anxiety and booming heart is that you have a lack of appetite, you have the runs, and you lose weight quickly.

But then I thought about it more and realized that when I was actually hyper I didn’t have intense stomach cramps or nausea; I simply had the runs. Also, I haven’t been having any funky emotions, lung tightness or jitteriness. Yes, my heart can still race or beat a little hard at times, but nothing like when I was hyper. Your HR can soar into the 140s just sitting on your ass when you’re hyper. Trust me, it’s utterly batshit terrifying, especially if you don’t know what’s going on.

My only concern right now is how much accumulation I might be in for in the future. As I learned from Doc O, this drug can accumulate in the system, so I’ll soon ask Doc A. The last thing I want is for the levothyroxine to keep accumulating and dropping me under a 5. Around 7 to 10 are my personal ideal numbers.

My rainbow sweatshirt finally arrived from overseas and it fits great. It’s a medium and is slightly loose on me.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2016 Oh, what a night I had last night! I ended up sick for the last eight hours of my day. Anything is better than anxiety, but it was one rough ride. It started with sharp cramps in my upper abs and moved downward. I had gas, cramps and nausea all night long. It’s a true miracle I never puked or had the runs. I felt so bad at times I actually wished I would puke.

I totally regret getting that burger and fries. I agree with Tom who says that it’s not so much because I had meat for the first time in so long, but more because I radically changed my diet that day and took in so much grease. From what he looked up, our food stays with us 24 to 72 hours. The junk food likely got stuck in my intestines and then yesterday’s food was probably forced to stay in my stomach longer than normal, thus causing the whole reaction. Another thing I had that my body isn’t used to was a big bag of popcorn. This wasn’t the diet kind either, but a full-size bag of buttery popcorn.

Ironically enough, though, getting sick has caused me to hit my goal weight for this week, which I didn’t expect to reach. So now I’m down a total of 6 pounds.

I slept horribly. I was too hot. I was too cold. Traffic was too loud. My belly continued to cramp. After about five hours of sleep, I got up to relieve my stomach again and took a lorazepam to help me fall back asleep. I slept longer but I woke up groggy because of the disturbed sleep and because the lorazepam was still in my system. These days I don’t take the lorazepam for anxiety since the anxiety has backed off, but every now and then I use it for sleep. Why not finish what I have left if I could use it at times?

I was almost afraid to eat today, but I can’t avoid it forever. Tom got me some ginger ale, so hopefully that will help. Better yet, I need to just stay vegan. It isn’t just meat that’s bad for me, but anything fried or battered. I just can’t eat like I used to and that shit wasn’t healthy anyway.

I have more to write about, but I’m still pretty out of it so I’ll do it later. Right now I just want to climb into my warm, soft comfy bed.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2016 Our senior rat Cappy has died, but to be honest, I haven’t exactly shed any tears over him. He was a very antisocial rat. Never before did we have a rat that couldn’t live with other rats and needed to be separated from the others. But he did.

Despite being old at two years old, which is when they usually die, his death was kind of a surprise because he died so suddenly. You usually know a few days in advance when they’re going to die.

Now the other three which are now six months old can have both the upper and lower levels of the cage.

Tonight’s bath bomb was pumpkin spice and it was definitely the strongest-smelling one so far. This one turned the water a neon piss, almost mustard color.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2016 I’m hungry as hell right now because I’ve got an appointment at the lab at 3:45 and it’s a fasting blood test. I wouldn’t have to fast if they were testing just my thyroid, but there’s a lipid panel as well. I didn’t get up until 11 AM, but 5 hours without eating is still a long haul. You can bet your ass I’m going to be loading up on cholesterol afterward!

This is such a pointless, stupid waste of time. I already made it clear to them that I’m not taking any more thyroid medication, and the more I thought about it, the more I’m sure I’m going to refuse statins as well. Forever I mean. Statins just don’t always prevent strokes and heart attacks. Tammy would know this firsthand. She’s been on statins for years yet that didn’t stop her from having a heart attack. So why take something and always stress about the side effects if I’m just going to eventually have one anyway? If I do, I still think it would be many years from now. My carotid ultrasound didn’t show any plaque, so I’d say I’m good until my 70s or 80s.

I spent quite a while yesterday sweeping the rest of these popcorn ceilings of their beloved dust and webs.

Exchanged hellos with Jon earlier who asked how our tech stuff was going. He said he didn’t want to say “nerdy” stuff and offend me, but I wouldn’t be offended at all and neither would Tom. We’re definite nerds/tech junkies, or whatever you want to call us. Jon said that’s something he admires because it’s a talent he doesn’t have. Tom is still much more knowledgeable than I am. My specialty is with words, foreign and not.

Today was bulk trash pickup. We tossed one of the old rat cages, a couple of old vacuums, and a couple of old portable heaters.

Later…

They were only a few minutes late for my appointment at the lab, but OMG! I guess even Russian parents don’t believe in teaching their kids any manners. I didn’t know they were Russian at first. I only knew it was both rude and ridiculous the way they let one of their brats scream so loud that I could barely hear the woman at the desk speaking to me.

It was afterward that Tom said I should’ve kept up on my Russian studies. I guess the lady at the desk was having a hard time communicating with the woman. I would have kept up on it if it weren’t such a pain in the ass not having a Russian keyboard. The language didn’t seem that difficult to learn.

This other guy could have used my sign language, which is almost as good as my English. He was deaf, and the woman had Tom get his attention while I was checking in.

Anyway, the guy who drew my blood was nice enough to use a butterfly needle at my request. I just find it easier to save them time than have them discover the hard way how tiny my veins are. I finally learned why, too. It’s bad genetics. One of my parents or grandparents had small veins. I guess you could really say I’m genetically screwed. Makes me wonder why my parents had kids, knowing how many problems the family had. On top of wondering why they had kids they never truly wanted in the first place and that they would ultimately abuse, of course.

He took four vials, two for my thyroid, two for cholesterol. Trying not to think of how shitty the results may be. I know the cholesterol is going to be bad; it’s the thyroid I’m worried about. Especially when its medication can cause some of us the kind of terror-filled anxiety you probably wouldn’t even feel if some psycho held you at gunpoint, as I was telling Norma when she recommended I get my heart checked every 6 months if I don’t take statins, due to the family history. I told her I was getting stress-tested soon.

The traffic was a nightmare, and there sure are some angry people in Cali. We pulled into the parking lot of Jack-in-the-Box when this vehicle suddenly stops right in front of us. I was in the midst of asking Tom why they stopped when this youngish plump blonde storms out of the passenger side and runs around to the driver (who I never did see) and starts screaming at them. Even though people don’t scare me easily, I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to be the one she was screaming at. This bitch was livid as hell.

So I got the burger and fries I promised myself I would get after the lab and felt just awful afterward. Not much heartburn but I felt so sluggish and just yucky overall. The experience reminded me of part of why I went vegan. Initially, I did it to lower my cholesterol never knowing just how much better I would feel not to mention wonderfully regular. Never thought I would say this, but veganism is definitely the way to go. Makes me kind of pissed to know I loaded up on practically a year’s worth of meaty TV dinners. It was a stupid thing to do that I’m sure to regret, especially since I didn’t crave or miss meat nearly as much as I thought I would. Once it’s gone I’m only going to have meat at fast food joints, which I only visit once or twice a month if even that. Fruits, veggies, beans, rice, yogurt… that’s the way to go. Not meat, cheese, sugar, pasta, or bread. No salty snacks either, although sometimes I do give in to popcorn.

The vampire said red meats and citrus were good after having blood drawn. I was so hungry that I felt a little dizzy after the blood was drawn being on an empty stomach and all that. And oh, how grumpy I felt! Hunger makes me grumpier than PMS at its worst. He said the body produces something like 2 million red blood cells an hour, so I guess my body’s long since replaced the lost blood.

The Caddy has a fake convertible roof, which started to tear off and look really ugly, so he glued it back down with gorilla glue.

He has to work tomorrow, which both sucks and doesn’t suck. He doesn’t have as much free time as he’d like, but it’s more money.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2016 I’m having a love-hate relationship with this weather. It’s rainy, cold, yucky and dismal. But it sure is keeping the peace around here.

I’m a little worried for the women of Ohio should the ridiculous “heartbeat” bill become law. It’s not just infuriating but it’s downright insane. Not only do most women not even know they’re pregnant at just six weeks when a heartbeat can be detected, but that doesn’t mean it’s a “life” with any form of awareness that could possibly be “murdered.” We have little to no sense of awareness until after were born, so if abortion is murder then so is pulling a weed.

I don’t get people. Most men are anti-children claiming that children are for the women, and many women these days are choosing careers over children. Yet we’re trying to strip women of their rights and make abortion illegal in every way we can? How fucked up is that? I don’t doubt, however, that abortion will one day be illegal nationwide. People are just that crazy.

I’ve been asked what I find attractive in a woman, and how feminine and I am as opposed to masculine, so I thought I would elaborate a bit on that if people must know. :-) Well, I’m pretty damn feminine… high heels, skirts, dresses, glitter, pink things, makeup, long hair (or at least nothing above the shoulders). Most days, however, I’m dressed both casually and comfortably. I’m all-woman either way.

However, I do tend to lean towards being naturally muscular, and I won’t hesitate, win or lose, to stand up to a man trying to harm me (or anyone I love) just as I would with another woman.

Since returning from vacation early in the year I have worked out consistently, not just with walking and running, but also on the Bowflex gym we’d recently gotten. I’m slowly but noticeably peeling inches, and one can definitely look at me and tell I work out. The muscle is most visible in my shoulders, biceps, abs and calves, though you can see some muscle in my outer thighs as well.

As for what I find attractive, I think I’ve always had a rather unique opinion of that and what I consider “attractive.” Those supermodels that most people find the most gorgeous… well, to me they’re attractive in the way a beautiful flower or a butterfly is attractive. They’re lovely to look at, but not something I consider a “turn-on.” My main type is typically older women who are tall and dark, and as long as the hair isn’t short in a manly kind of way and they’re not immensely obese, then hair length and body weight don’t matter much.

There have been some exceptions, though. I have found some blonds and redheads attractive, and then there’s Stacey. She’s got dark hair and eyes and she’s the type that could probably tan easily enough, but she’s anything but tall. Those warm brown eyes and sexy smile combined with her calm and intelligent personality are a definite winner in my eyes. Some might consider her plain and frail, but I think we all have our own definition of what’s “beautiful.”

Alison may not have tweeted for a couple of days, but she’s still using the account. She’s following more people and “liking” things. Then she did tweet something about having an allergic reaction on account of coconut being an ingredient in something she ate, and so the drama queen needed a Benadryl.

I was remembering back to the time I was oh so worried and depressed at the thought of her possibly dying of cancer, which she may or may not really have, and it was all for someone who didn’t give a shit about me in return. So basically it was all for nothing, and now a part of me wishes she would drop dead. Like I said, Molly may have been a crazy, stalking piece of shit, but I get how she turned on Aly and some of the things she would say to her.

Today’s bath bomb was blueberry. It turned the water a very vivid and pretty shade of Robin's egg blue. This one smelled the best, but the smell quickly faded.

Last night I dreamed I was staying in a huge hotel. I wandered out of my room without my glasses and was so blind that I couldn’t find my way back to my room. I would get in the elevator and keep getting off on the wrong floor.

Then in another dream, a girl in her 20s was talking on her phone and appeared to be worried about something. When she hung up I told her, “Look, the cops are never your friend. No matter how much we may mistakenly think so and wish they were, they’re usually not. So never tell them anything they don’t absolutely need to know.”

I stopped spotting, lost the extra water, and now I’m once again wondering if I’ve hit menopause. It’s definitely looking promising!

Later…

The panty pack arrived and they’re pretty impressive considering that every pair fits and each of the 30 pairs cost less than a buck. Some are loose and some are a bit snug, but their quality is great. They come in a variety of fabrics, styles and colors, but none are crotchless. There was one small and a few mediums, but most are large. There are a couple of extra larges as well. Still don’t care for some of the low riders, fat or not, because they give you the feeling that your underwear is slipping down.

There were a few bikinis and a few T-backs, but most are typical G-strings. Some are silky, but most are cotton. Some are solid colors while others have prints.

I hate panty lines and now that I’m not getting periods (I hope) I’ll probably switch from boy shorts to G-strings.

I Skyped Tom a picture of them, and I Facebooked Tammy and Marie pictures as well. I knew Marie would get a kick out of it. Prior to sending them to her, she sent me a picture of herself. While she looks like a lesbian, she looks great. Not an ounce of fat on her.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2016 Last night I dreamed that Stacey was at what might’ve been a psychic fair. The dream took place in the past, which I saw from her POV. The psychic was telling her she would meet someone (I assume that someone was me).

“She’s in 2015,” I’m pretty sure the psychic said.

Then I dreamed that I was either just leaving or quickly stopping by what might have been a couple’s place. It was early evening and the sun had just set.

“Okay, have a good night, Jodi,” a dark-haired woman said to me in a serious, almost impatient tone as she saw me out.

I left on heels, carrying a colorful dress as well as a rainbow candy cane of sorts. I realized that I had a long walk home and that I better hurry up or else my feet would be killing me. I felt a bit overwhelmed at the idea of having to walk so far in heels.

Then I spotted a young couple I knew heading to their car and was thinking of asking for a ride when I realized I had my own car there. I seem to drive a lot in dreams.

Aly hasn’t tweeted in two days yet her Fitbit stats clock her at taking nearly 30K steps a day. Yeah, some cancer victim. Let me guess, though…she’s abandoned this account for another one? I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t have a way of knowing I was following her.

Speaking of accounts… I had no idea one of my old Twitter accounts was still activated until I spotted it following Prosebox’s Twitter account. Oh great. So Aly and Kim have had the luxury of playing victim all this time without me knowing it. That’s something God would allow for. I put it to sleep for good, so all their future accounts won’t be able to block it. I’m only using one account now which they’re unaware of.

I got my K-cup holder yesterday and I like it a lot. Today I’m getting the 40-pack variety of K-cups.

As for my tennis ball bath bombs… their colors and moisturizing effects are more noticeable than their smell. The grape turned the bathwater dark purple, the sandalwood turned it a cloudy piss color, and the snickerdoodle, which was infused with glitter, turned it a surprisingly vivid magenta. Tomorrow I will use the blueberry bath bomb, as I don’t take baths every day. I still prefer showers.

I watched the first six seasons of Pretty Little Liars, and now I’m watching season 17 of Law & Order SVU. Mariska Hargitay has always been my favorite, but I’ve recently noticed just how handsome Raul Esparza is.

I’m still spotting on and off as I have been since November 30, but I haven’t had an actual period since September 2.

A freeze warning was in effect until 9am. Some people covered their plants with blankets. Where are the hot flashes when I need them?!

Really hope it’s quieter today than yesterday. Yesterday I heard landscaping on and off for 6 hours and it was so annoying. I could also hear hammering, but only outside. Still… enough is enough!

Same goes for this mutt I hear every single fucking day. It may only be for a few seconds, but I just want to kick it! Unlike Geri’s dog, this dog yips ferociously. If this were left outside next to us in the mainstream I’d be killing it in no time.

Said hello to Carolyn yesterday, who accidentally left her key in the mailbox overnight.

Pinterest has undergone yet another makeover. Kind of getting sick of all the change there. I liked it the way it was. That’s why I joined in the first place. The thing is that the changes are pointless. Why don’t they make some changes people could actually use, like a better way to weed out duplicates, download pins, etc?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2016 Today’s the first day in a while where I’m running low on energy. I feel okay otherwise. I just wish I would either get my period or that my PMS symptoms would back off. I’ve been spotting on and off for a week now. When I see Dr. A in a week I’ll let her know, but I think she’ll just want to do a Pap.

I gained half my lost weight back and once again I realize that if I stand a chance of losing more than just a few pounds it’s going to have to wait until I hit full-fledged menopause. With cycles comes both water and hunger, and I know not all of the weight gain is water. If it was it would come right back off after periods, but since I have to slowly work it off, that tells me it’s weight gain from the extra eating done when my hunger levels are up.

It’s cold and foggy here now but that didn’t stop Bob from blowing leaves for over a half-hour. It’s definitely going to stop me from working out outdoors, though. Since I exercise most days, I might take today off given my lack of energy. Forcing myself to do the cleaning I want to do today will be enough, although I suppose I could put it off until tomorrow.

Two out of the three times we’ve ordered groceries online they made Tom wait 10 minutes before giving him the groceries. The whole point in ordering online was to save time and this doesn’t exactly save much of that, so if he’s made to wait again today when he stops after work, we’ll just go back to getting our own groceries. He books a specific time for a reason. If they can’t keep that time, then what’s the point?

Really wish I could come up with more story ideas now that I have such great tools to help me write them faster. Too bad there isn’t anything to help make editing go faster. Editing is still 80% of the work, and I don’t find that part much fun at all.

Last night I dreamed we were back in the Phoenix house. I don’t know if we moved back there or were just staying there temporarily. We hated it there, so we would never do either one. Nonetheless, the house had major electrical problems, and Tom would have to reset breakers regularly.

I woke up one morning to find the house very warm, tried to kick on the AC, but found it dead. I found Tom in the kitchen who said, “I’m right on it,” before I could say anything.

As he was stepping into his shoes, however, I said, “I hate this fucking house.”

I did hate that old dark house with its shitty layout and single bathroom that was just a few feet away from a pack of race-carding freeloaders, though I did like the pool/spa, private backyard, and being on a solid concrete foundation. The neighborhood was going downhill when we left in 1999. It started off fairly average when I moved in with him in 1993, but more and more lazy scum was moving into the area.

70 more days until I call Stacey!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2016 “I’m well aware of the importance of this day but I just don’t have it in me to be so kind anymore,” tweeted the Midwestern liar before she deleted it.

Was she referring to my birthday? I was surprised she remembered (in her last message to me) that I was about to turn 51, but why would she care enough to call it “important” and say she doesn’t have it in her to be so kind anymore when she made up her mind months ago never to contact me again? She must be talking about something else. Her and her riddles!

She definitely runs low on kindness, that’s for sure. I never realized just how cold and heartless she could be till she dumped me. Dishonest, yes, but downright mean? Not until she decided I didn’t have anything to “offer” her as a friend since Aly obviously expects something from her friends because just giving our friendship and ourselves to her isn’t enough.

Weight is still slowly struggling to return. I suspect I won’t get a period till it’s all back, and that may be some time next week when I catch up on the cholesterol I’ve been missing. Yeah, after labs it’s off to enjoy chicken, beef, fish, cheese and egg-based meals for a while.

I’m dreading my lab results! Really worried my TSH is going to be up because my skin’s drier, my hair is thinner in front and seems to have stopped growing again. No one can make me take any more or additional meds, though. I’d rather live a shorter, happier unhealthier life than a longer, healthier one where I have to struggle with or at least worry about side effects from drugs all the time. As I’ve always said, sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is to not deal with it at all, at least for a while.

She’s gonna hit me for female exams, too. sighs I just want the appointments to slow down! Two dental, two eye exams, and two PCP visits a year is half a dozen appointments. To add a mamo and a pap, plus any other specialists would be way too much. Even if I could keep a schedule, he doesn’t have unlimited days off, and we don’t have unlimited funds for all the copays and parking either.

Really hit the jackpot at Goodwill yesterday! Just when I thought I wouldn’t find anything of interest, I came across three 18” dolls with rather pleasant and realistic faces. They’re nicer than my American Girl-like 18” dolls only skinnier and all-vinyl. The other “fatties” have soft bodies.

When I got home I looked up the information embossed on their backs and found them to be surprisingly expensive. They’re from the Best Friends Club Ink collection, and most of the ones I found for sale on Amazon and eBay are going for over $100. Walmart has the Addison doll for $80. A few (probably used) were running between $16 - $40. We paid $12 total for this trio.

Gianna has blue eyes and auburn hair. Yuko, my favorite, is Asian. Then there’s Calista with green eyes, brown hair and darker skin. Not sure if she’s a mix of black and white or Hispanic and white.

They all came with tops and leggings with one of the leggings being footed. One of the tops fell apart after I washed it. Also, one came barefoot, one came with black shoes, and one came with a single pink shoe. I looked on Amazon for accessories and found a surprisingly limited selection. Depending on the style, they can wear a few of the fat doll outfits.

Another thing I like about these dolls is how jointed they are. They’re super jointed… elbows, wrists, ankles, knees… even the upper thighs so you can turn the leg out since they can only move front to back from the hips. They can bend a bit at the waist, too.

I now have so many damn collectibles that I pulled half of them off of shelves and dressers and boxed them up for a while. I figure that every few months I’ll switch off.

After Goodwill, we went back to Jack-in-the-Box where I got fries and raspberry ginger ale. I guess Tom must have looked younger that day because he didn’t get an automatic senior discount.

We went out walking and running when we got back, and sure enough, my hip was on fire afterward.

Did a small Amazon order because he had to get more cleaning solution for the carpet cleaner. I also grabbed some K-cups and a 3-tier storage drawer that holds 54 K-cups.

I’m also getting a surprise panty pack from China that includes 30 pairs of panties in a variety of styles and fabrics for just $28. It’s like a fun grab bag, though I don’t expect to like every pair, especially the few crotchless ones.

So it was a fun birthday and I got spoiled by Tom and lots of birthday wishes online. I was a little surprised Eileen didn’t remember my birthday and that Tammy didn’t call, but that’s ok.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2016 Going to spend my birthday today out shopping as well as at home relaxing.

We went to Jack-in-the-Box and Walgreens yesterday. At Walgreens, I got pomegranate bath bombs, a leopard print car for the rats and I to play with, a sparkly headband, snacks, and light blue press-on nails with white snowflakes.

Because I’ve been craving variety after spending a month on a diet that consists of 90% vegetables, I got a large order of fries and a delicious salty caramel milkshake that really messed up my stomach. It was worth it, though. I would’ve had a burger instead of the shake except I can’t have any cholesterol until after the labs. I’ll be going there next weekend.

Where things got funny was when Tom gave a quick chuckle and said, “I think I’m offended,” as he showed me the receipt for our order.

“Senior discount,” it said, and I burst out laughing. Poor guy doesn’t even have to tell anyone anymore that he’s getting old.

On the way home, we drove by a cemetery that excitedly exclaimed, “New spaces available!” Like gee, that’s so exciting. Such a beautiful place that we ought to hurry up and die and use them up so we can stay there forever, LOL.

Woke up from a nightmare, heart pounding furiously in my chest. I took a lorazepam for the first time in a while to help get me back to sleep. Might as well use up what I’ve got left when I could use it.

I was visiting a younger couple’s house. They were perhaps in their 30s. The woman was scared of her ex who had been harassing them. I left the living room to get a drink in the kitchen when I looked out the window and saw a giant gold pickup suddenly pull in between their house and the next house even though there was no driveway there, and I ran to tell the couple who had been blasting their TV.

The woman ran to the back door and I proceeded to shut and lock any open windows. While I was doing this I was afraid that the woman wouldn’t take the situation seriously enough to call the police. I woke up wondering where my phone was and if I’d even brought it over.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2016 Still spotting and still hungrier than usual, though yesterday wasn’t too bad with the hunger.

Got the leopard sheath dress and it fits well. It’s a little snug, especially since I’m bloated right now, but once I lose the water or a little more weight, it should be fine. It looks ok from the front, but when I turn to the side you can see that I’ve got my bloat on. My body is struggling to make up its mind whether or not to kick off one more period.

Not hunting for Aly’s Twitter account proved to be easier said than done once again, though she doesn’t know that I’m aware of it. I know it’s a bad excuse but at the end of my day, I got bored and was too tired to do anything productive.

Her only tweet since then was that she promised a Fitbit friend that she would change Twitter handles, which makes no sense, especially since Kim changed one of hers as well. Why would you promise anybody to change your handle unless you wanted to? I think she just doesn’t want to admit that I influenced the change should I find the account, and I did by Googling her bio there. Is she that stupid, or does she want me to keep finding her, even though I told her in our last exchange on NaNoWriMo that the next time she changed it I wouldn’t bother to look for it?

Another thing I don’t get is why Stacey’s son studied in Texas. He recently went to college there but is now living back in Auburn. If the family doesn’t live there anymore then why would the son study there? It hit me that she may have had Noah with another guy, but my research shows she’s married to his father.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2016 I wish I’d known about intimate sets on Amazon before I got a 6-pack of Fruit of the Loom’s boy shorts at Walmart for $10 when I could’ve gotten a 10-pack for just $6 on Amazon.

In January when we do our next fun order, I’m getting a whopping 25-pack panty variety for just $25. Based on the reviews it’s like getting a surprise gift bag, so you may not like every single one. A buck apiece is a hell of a deal, though, for the variety of G-strings, thongs, bikinis, hipsters and boy shorts that are in it.

I’m up 2/10 of a pound. This is the slowest weight reset ever, and amazingly I’m not still starving after my first eat of the day like I have been the last 3 or 4 days. Thought I’d wake up a bleeder too, since I was crampy yesterday, but I’m not even spotting yet today.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2016 Aly and Kim did exactly what I knew they would do and changed links on Twitter. I’m just surprised it took this long. Not sure why they couldn’t simply protect their tweets, but I’m not going to bother hunting the new links. I just don’t give a shit about them anymore. They’re both way in the past and that’s the way it stays.

Our laundry/bath tiles have arrived as well! The flower design in the centers is the same, just different colors. The kitchen flower is a dark pinkish-red with a green and white background. The laundry/bath tiles are mauve with the flower being a darker mauve.

It’s windy and cold tonight, so I will definitely be working out indoors.

The new heater I put by my desk is both compact and kick ass.

I also got my new 10-pack of assorted bath bombs. Love how they’re the size of tennis balls instead of golf balls. I used the grape soda first. The only ones I might not like so much are eucalyptus and whatever the sinus relief one is. There was also blueberry, sandalwood, Cinna bun-bun, cucumber melon, snickerdoodle, lavender sage, and pumpkin spice.

First I dreamed that somebody boarded up a large window in the center of a large wall because I complained that the work that had been done on the windows to the sides drove me crazy. So they were kind enough to just simply board it up rather than continue working on them, haha.

In another dream, I was on the road somewhere, maybe in the back of a van. I was on the phone talking to some young guy who said his girlfriend was everything he ever wanted and that he was set for life with her. I wondered if he was too young to be correct about that.

In the last dream, I was on probation for something when I suddenly realized I had failed to report for a while. In an attempt to cover my ass, I called and left a message with what I think was a female PO, saying that I tried to call her several times and was wondering why she hadn’t been out to see me. Then again, as I pointed out to her, it was only over something I said or wrote and not a violent crime that warranted being on probation in the first place, so I would understand if she didn’t bother with me.

Well, rest assured that I will never again allow any person, group or organization to legally screw me because of something I said or wrote that wasn’t threatening! If I’ve got something to say, I’ll say it, and no law is going to change that.

[clunelover]

More details on this ADD crap cause I find it interesting -

So, I think I’ve just been living with this forever and have found ways around it (or didn’t find ways around it, and that’s when I got bad grades and had to repeat some classes in grad school). It does seem though like it’s been getting worse - and that is apparently A THING! ADHD for women is very impacted by hormones. Lower estrogen makes symptoms worse. So it gets worse before and during your period, and then worse overall as you get into perimenopause and menopause. SO THAT SUCKS and might have something to do with my brain just being more and more stubborn as I try to cajole it into focusing.

Anyway, this specific project I’ve been blowing off: it’s just sort of the perfect storm of really complex data, that’s already been sort of made digestible, but not by me so I don’t understand how it came to be in its present state, and it is still confusing even in this more flattened state. Then, I’m going to be using this data for a lot of complex reporting, some of which will involve point in time data, which adds another layer of complexity (like, look at a claim right before this automated process ran, and it’s this process that creates the confusing data, and we need the point in time data to know if the automated process executed all the steps it was supposed to).

So, I’m looking at the data and going "bleh." Then I’m like "well let me look at the reporting requirements, and those can guide me" so I try to read those…"bleh" again.

With medicine, I was able to focus on the data long enough to come up with coherent questions and explain the questions to stakeholders, and they answered me and I could understand the answer, and they okayed the idea I came up with for how to condense to one row per claim, which will allow me to proceed...The "turn the million rows that are duplicated for unknown reasons, but do have some distinct elements so aren’t just straight up duplicates you can condense without a thought, but the distinct parts may not actually matter... into a sort of sensical reason they'd be duplicated and thus know how to condense" - that part I really don't know if I could have gotten through without medicine. I would have just kept looking at it and saying "idk why it looks like this...ugh I think I'll drift away from the computer." I might have been able to say something to stakeholders, but more of a general "why is this like this?" question - or "can you explain the whole process to me again?" Which sometimes DOES help me shake some inferences out, but I’d already done that twice and was starting to worry about looking stupid.

The whole mess was also complicated by the fact that right now what I am working on is the first bullet point (of 19) within the first section (of eight) of very detailed reporting requirements...and like, logically, I knew - don't look at all 500 pages of requirements, just start with this ONE bullet point - but I kept allowing it to overwhelm me. Or like, I’d think maaaaybe I needed to synthesize all 19 bullet points from that first section, in order to REALLY be able to start, but that wasn’t something my brain could do either! Just endless wheel spinning, combined with the sometimes physically painful sensation of not being able to keep my eyes pointed at my computer screen and scrutinizing what they were supposed to be.

And it took two days of adderall and concerted effort jotting notes and running test queries to get to this point! Where I still don’t actually even have anything DONE, I just know where to start.

I think now that I have this foothold I can get some stuff done without adderall, just using my usual methods of constant rewatching shows in my noise canceling headphones and overdosing on caffeine. I’m really glad I have access to occasionally use a medication that is not prescribed to me! But the whole thing is bullshit any way you slice it.

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

It gets worse than that even. We see people LOUD that “Trans women are women” but you never see that in the reverse. You often never see, “Trans men are men”. I’m not however saying that it doesn’t happen but consider this. It WILL get to a point that “Man” and “Woman” mean nothing at all. One of the things OP needs to realize and mg-dl is that Woman as a definition, cites the word in it’s own definition. In essence it means that the word has no concrete meaning whatsoever. Man used to mean (before neo progressive academics highjacked academia) Adult Human Male. Woman had the same context. Adult Human Female. 

Part of the problem with us erasing the proper meanings of words is that it causes issues within not just civil conversation but it also changes laws. Much like how women can’t be guilty of rape, only sexual assault, Now if the LAW reflects the dictionary, Trans women CAN’T be guilty of rape. And consider this. In the new definition of “Woman” it not only cites itself, but also says “Anyone who identifies as a woman”. It doesn’t say, “Provably” or “has to have identified for X period of time or anything else. This concept and notion BREAKS our legal system even more than it already is. And it’s why words should not change unless there is a proper precedent for them to change. And woman in that regard didn’t. Since the definition CITED it as being in direct relation to biological sex. 

And what’s more, these same people advocating these same changes also scream that “There is no difference between men and women biologically” when that is SUPER false. And want to be able to change things like your Biological sex on your birth certificate and Drivers License. That information, is needed by doctors. Certain medications affect Males and Females differently and varying dosages also have to be observed. This also not considering the fact that some of these people are SO delusional, they will outright tell doctors they ARE the sex of the “Gender” they identify as. Not realizing this could kill them or permanently injure them. This not ALSO considering the fact that you have to stay on hormones for a very long time if not your entire life just to keep the affects. 

Gender is not a thing. Gender as a pushed concept words was only used minorly by society to refer to biological sex without having to say “sex” nonstop. More over since sex became the normalized term for intercourse.  Then people like the Pedophile child abuser John Money came along, and pioneered the entire concept of gender identity, gender fluidity, etc. And unironically “Gender Identity” as not relating to Gender Dysphoria which in it’s original definition meant “Biological Sex Based Dysphoria” is even funnier when you realize that It’s a concept based on social constructs. Like “Boys play with cars and wear jeans” and or “Girls play with dolls and wear dresses”. EVEN FUNNIER THAN THAT, was the fact that in the 1990′s-2000′s there was a hard push to end most gender based stereotyping. It was a “Let boys dress however and let them still be boys, and let girls dress however and still be girls”. NOW however, we see a large group of people DEMANDING we reinstate those norms, AND medically cut parts of people, and pump them full of chemicals to make sure Boys only play with boy things, and girls only play with girl things. HELL there was a story of a man who up and decided that “My little boy is a trans girl”. And do you know HOW he came to this conclusion? His TWO YEAR OLD BOY attempted to grab a dress one time. Ever since then, he and his wife have been socially transitioning the kid, and potentially even medically. 

SO like anamericangirl I don’t deny that trans people exist. They do exist. But I think there are a LOT of things we need to take into consideration when it comes to stuff involving what is trans, what it means, and why the obfuscation of language will have SIGNIFICANT impacts where people don’t want it probably leading to harm. Like we see with Females, in women’s prisons getting pregnant while behind bars. Man, I do love the fact my tax dollars now have to pay for the healthcare of criminals in ways I should never have to.  

While a trans woman would be a male, they are still women. Gender and sex are different things, with gender being the psychological counterpart to the biological sex. You can be a male and still be a woman. Or you can be a female and be a man. You need to get with the times.

“You need to believe what we tell you believe despite what the truth is.”

Sounds like you would have been a-ok with slavery when that was the official narrative.

I’ll consider “getting with the times” when you define the word woman without using the word woman.

[luminnara]

alpha!erasermic x pregnant!reader | ABO fluff

Request:  Hiya! i’m wondering if you can do an alpha! erasermic x pregnant! omega! reader? maybe when both alphas leave their lunch at home and she goes to bring it to them. the reader and both alphas collectively have custody of hitoshi and eri, and the reader is heavily pregnant. preferably a female reader please, and none of class 1-a have met her. this is my first time requesting stuff so i hope i did okay! 😅

You did wonderfully! I love writing cute fluffy stuff like this, and it’s my first time writing any kind of erasermic thing even though I love them so much, so hopefully I did okay! Idk where exactly this sits timeline-wise, don’t worry about it, it’s omegaverse and I can do what I want lol. I took this prompt and sort of RAN with it, too

*also Mirio has his quirk back in this because it’s fun, and the reader has kind of a dodgy past because i wanted to add a little SPICE*

Warnings: a/b/o, pregnancy, the implications of Aizawa’s scarf and all of its uses

You sighed, resting a hand on your swollen belly. “Those two...”

You had only just gotten Eri out of bed, and, upon heading into the kitchen to fix her some breakfast, you saw two lovingly-prepared bento boxes sitting on the counter. Shota and Hizashi must have forgotten them in their hurry to get to UA earlier that morning, and while you knew they could very easily grab something to eat in the cafeteria, you hated the thought of these meals going to waste.

Besides, your inner omega was a bit miffed that they hadn’t taken your home cooked food to work with them. Was Lunch Rush’s food so much better than yours that your alphas would rather eat at school? You refused to believe that, even if his quirk was cooking. There was no way that he could make your alphas a meal that could compare to the kind you always cooked for them, and maybe it was the pregnancy hormones making you extra bristly about it, but you were determined to march right on over to UA and bring them their proper lunches. 

Even if you were heavily, heavily pregnant. They’d probably have something to say about you leaving the house and waddling around Musutafu with only Eri as company, but you were tough enough to fend for yourself. And besides, it was only a quick train ride to the station outside the school, and if you did get yourself into any kind of trouble, the city was chock full of pro heroes and their sidekicks, many of whom you were on a first name basis with. 

“Eri!” you called, grabbing a bag to carry the boxes in. “Are you dressed yet? We’re going to visit UA!”

You could heard a thump, followed by the sound of little feet thudding as she ran to meet you. When she appeared in the doorway, her eyes were wide with excitement, her long hair falling around her shoulders messily. “Yes!”

“Go brush your hair and then we’ll go,” you laughed, ushering her towards the bathroom. 

“Why are we going?” the little girl called. 

“Hizashi and Shota left their lunches,” you explained. “We’re bringing them so that the food doesn’t go to waste.”

“Can we visit Deku and Togata?”

You paused to think. You hadn’t actually met any of Shota and Hizashi’s students before, your alphas always preferring that you stay home and away from the sometimes dangerous school they taught at. Well, you knew Hitoshi, of course, and since he had yet to move into the dorms on campus, he still lived at home with the rest of the family. At least he had remembered to grab his lunch. Would your adopted son be embarrassed to see you appearing at his school? Hitoshi always carried himself in a very collected manner, and the thought of being able to show up and pinch his cheeks and coo at him made you laugh. 

And you knew that everyone in Class 1-A would be over the moon to see Eri. The little girl that had been rescued from Overhaul was popular amongst the young heroes-in-training, from what you’d heard, and if you were going to go all the way to UA, you’d be damned if you didn’t let her see her friends there. 

“Of course we can,” you said with a smile as she came running back in, her hair significantly less tangled. “Ready?”

“Ready!” she beamed up at you.

“Do me a favor and carry this?” you offered her the tote you’d tucked the bento boxes into and she took it from you eagerly, bouncing towards the door. 

You grabbed your purse, made sure your keys were inside, and followed her out, taking her free hand. Together, the two of you made your way to the nearest train station, a few neighbors waving hello as you passed. There were no villains to be seen or head of, and the pros you saw out on patrol all looked happy and relaxed. They all knew who you were, some of the betas and omegas approaching to chat about your pregnancy and ask how things were going. The alphas hung back, calling greetings or offering waves, none of them wanting to get too close to a pregnant, mated omega and risk the wrath of your alphas if their scents happened to cling to you. 

The journey went smoothly, Eri sticking close to your side the entire way. You were both excited to be going to visit UA--Eri, because she would get to see Deku and Mirio, and you because you hadn’t been to the school in years--and as you stepped off the train and the gates finally came into view, you let out a happy laugh. 

“Ready?” you asked Eri, leading her towards the entrance. 

“Mhm!” she nodded eagerly, pulling you forward. “Let’s go! Let’s go let’s go let’s go--”

“Hang on, hang on,” you waddled after her as quickly as you could, fishing around in your purse. When you finally found what you were looking for, you pulled out an ID card, holding it up towards the sensor atop the UA Barrier gate. “You have your card?”

“Yep!” Eri said, grabbing the card hanging from the lanyard around her neck and mimicking you. 

“Special ID accepted,” a robotic voice chimed. “Welcome to UA High, (y/n) and Eri.”

The gate opened and you led Eri through it, the big school looming just past it. The special ID cards you both had were a result of Shota insisting that you be able to get to UA if you ever needed to. With the upgraded security measures, and so many of the students living in the dorms, it wasn’t easy getting onto the campus without either a student or guest card. You probably technically weren’t even supposed to have one, but no one was going to argue with Aizawa and Yamada when it came to ensuring their omega would be able to get to them in case of emergency.

This wasn’t exactly an emergency, but it was still an important mission, so you had absolutely no qualms about using your special ID privileges today. You just hoped nobody else would be mad about it.

 “Hey, is that Eri I see?” a voice called. 

You turned to see a blond haired, blue eyed boy jogging towards you and recognized him as Togata. He was dressed in a PE uniform, and as he stopped in front of you, you could see that he was panting. 

Eri immediately set the bag down and rushed toward him, running into his open arms. “Lemillion!”

Mirio laughed as he scooped her into a hug. “What are you doing here? Aizawa didn’t mention anything about a visit!”

“Aizawa forgot his lunch today,” you said, nodding towards the bag Eri had dropped. “So we thought we’d bring it and visit.”

Mirio straightened up a bit when he realized you were there. You had to be absolutely covered in your alphas’ scents, and even if they never told any of the students about you, there was no way that Mirio hadn’t figured it out by now. Besides...your bond marks were very big and very visible, one on each side of your neck just below your scent glands. There was no way Mirio didn’t know what that all added up to. 

You had never officially met him, but you’d heard plenty about all of UA’s Big Three, and after he and Deku saved Eri from the Shie Hassaikai, you’d heard even more about him. He was selfless, going so far as to sacrifice his own quirk to keep Eri safe and get her away from Overhaul, and for that, you’d always feel a little indebted to him. He’d luckily been able to get it back, but Aizawa had told you that there had been a long period in which nobody was sure it could even be returned to him. 

“Oh, s-sorry!” he bowed to you. “I don’t think we’ve ever been properly introduced! I’m Togata Mirio, I was there at the Shie Hassaikai raid--”

“I’ve heard plenty about you,” you laughed as he straightened up again. “I’m (y/n). I’m the stay at home omega that keeps Shota and Hizashi from starving all the time.”

Mirio’s laugh was probably one of the most raucously happy sounds you had ever heard. “We’re all grateful for that! As for me, personally, I’m really glad Eri has such a great mom now, too. And you’ve got more on the way!”

“Sure do,” you groaned, a hand on your lower back as you tried to lean and stretch it out some. “Due date’s in just a couple weeks. Can’t wait to get ‘em outta here.”

“Well, at least you already know how to do the parenting part!” Mirio was still all smiles as Eri grabbed for his hand and he took it, picking up the tote bag as well. “Come on, it’s my free period so I’ll take you to 1-A’s classroom.”

“Thank you, Togata,” you said, hand on your belly as you followed him into the school. 

“It’s no problem!” he beamed at you over his shoulder as he led the way. “It’s almost lunch, too. Perfect timing!”

“Is it really?” you glanced up at a clock on the wall, and sure enough, it was nearly noon. “Wow. Guess we took longer than I thought. But...ugh, I didn’t bring any food for myself or Eri...”

“That’s no problem! Lunch Rush always has tons of options in the Grand Mess Hall.” at your slight glare, Mirio added, “...But I’m sure even his best cooking is no substitute for a homemade meal!”

“That’s right,” you growled, waddling along down the hall. 

When the three of you reached the 1-A door, Mirio used his permeation quirk to stick his head straight through it rather than knocking, and judging by the resounding scream of surprise that nearly shattered the windows, he had scared Hizashi half to death.

Mirio pulled back and opened the door, revealing a room full of groaning students, all clutching their ears. Hizashi was the only one who seemed unbothered by the sheer volume of the scream he had let out, clutching his chest instead. 

“Why can’t you knock like a normal person, dumbass?” a blond boy snarled. 

“Bakugou! You shouldn’t swear in front of esteemed upperclassmen!” a black-haired boy with glasses said. 

“It’s not just me you’re swearing in front of!” Mirio said, still smiling, like always. With a nod of his head, he tugged Eri into the room.

Everyone lit up, and you even caught Bakugou’s harsh expression softening some at the sight of her. 

“Eri!” a freckly, green haired boy exclaimed, jumping up from his seat. 

“Deku!” the little girl yelled happily, letting go of Mirio’s hand to run towards him.

You watched as he knelt down to greet her, the rest of the class all getting up, or at the very least leaning over in their seats to say hello. All except Hitoshi, who looked up, made eye contact with you, started to roll his eyes, and then sighed. 

Oh, you were so going to embarrass him today. 

Hizashi was still trying to catch his breath, but now, with the students all distracted by Eri, he finally had a chance to notice you. You could see his nostrils flare as he recognized your scent, his head whipping around to spot you standing there in the door.

“BABE!” he rushed toward you, pulling you into a hug. 

“Hi, Hizashi,” you laughed into his shoulder, clinging to his jacket as he rubbed his scent gland over your hair. 

He immediately pulled back, holding you at arm’s length as he looked you over. “What’re you doing here? Everything okay?”

“I’m fine,” you chuckled. When he glanced down at your swollen belly, you added, “we’re fine.”

He let out a relieved breath. “Okay. Okay, good. Had me worried there for a sec.”

“They came to bring you lunch!” Mirio said, holding up the bag he had carried in for you. “I ran into her and Eri outside while I was out for my daily jog.”

“Togata here was very helpful,” you said. “He even carried that bag for us.”

“Gotta help everyone who needs it, whenever I can!” the teenager gave you a thumbs up. 

“Thanks, Mirio.” Hizashi said, putting an arm around your shoulders and pulling you up against his side. “Means a lot to me that my family stays safe.”

“Family?”

You turned to see all of Class 1-A staring at you. 

Hizashi cleared his throat, the sound practically echoing. “Everybody, this is my mate.”

The room suddenly erupted. 

“Who is she?”

“Is she a pro?”

“Can’t believe anybody would put up with him...”

“Bakugou, quiet! Don’t be rude!”

“But, wait...” Deku said, still kneeling with Eri. “I thought Eri’s been living with Mr. Aizawa..?”

The students all glanced to each other before their eyes swiveled to you and Hizashi. 

“Oh, Hizashi,” you teased. “You never told them?”

“I, uh...” a slight pink tinged his cheeks as he blushed.  

Luckily, before he had the chance to stumble over his words any longer, he was saved by the appearance of a very tired, very disgruntled, Eraserhead. 

“What the hell is going on and why the hell are you screaming in my classroom?” he growled from the doorway. 

Hizashi turned the two of you to face him, and you saw the anger immediately drain from Aizawa’s face. 

“...What are you doing here?” he asked, his bloodshot eyes full of concern. “Everything okay?”

“Hi, Papa!” Eri chimed from her spot next to Deku. 

“...Hello, Eri. Why are you also here?”

“You both forgot your lunches,” you said, practically scolding them. “I worked hard on those!”

“So you came all the way here just to bring us lunch? You realize we have an entire cafeteria here, right?”

“Don’t even think about it,” you growled. 

“You shouldn’t be walking across Musutafu without at least Hitoshi with you. It’s too dangerous.”

At the mention of his name, everyone’s heads swiveled to look at Shinso. He sighed, slumping back in his chair and dragging a hand down his face. 

“You know, if you wouldn’t forget the lunches that I so lovingly put all that hard work into, I wouldn’t even have to go all the way across Musutafu to bring them to you.” you said haughtily, nose up in the air as you stared your alpha down. “And besides...you know better than anyone that I can take care of myself, and Eri, no matter how pregnant I am.”

Aizawa sighed. He knew there was no arguing with you when you got in a mood like this, and besides...you were already there. 

And you were right.

Before he could even come up with something to say, the bell rang, signaling that it was time for lunch, and soon, you were walking down the hall between your two alphas, Eri riding on Deku’s shoulders as Class 1-A flooded out along with you. 

You ended up sitting in the mess hall with the students, sandwiched between Hizashi and Shota. Shota didn’t seem entirely pleased with it, mentioning several times that he’d much rather be in the teachers’ lounge where it was quieter, but Eri was far too happy to be with Class 1-A for him to actually tear her away from them. She was across from you, sitting next to Deku and a brown haired girl you learned was named Ochako. Mirio had left to go find his own friends, the other two members of The Big Three, and you could see him just a few tables over, laughing loudly with a blue haired girl with a boy with pointy ears looked like he was trying to will himself out of existence next to them. 

“It’s so exciting that Mr. Aizawa has a whole family!” Ochako said. 

“And with Present Mic, too,” Tsu, the frog girl, said from her spot next to her. 

“How long have you been together?” the pink girl, Mina, asked.

“Don’t ask so many personal questions! We should respect their privacy.” Iida said, in true class rep fashion. 

When Shota only offered a grunt in reply, too focused on his lunch to actually talk with his homeroom class, and with Hizashi already stuffing his face, you took it upon yourself to chat. 

“Oh, I don’t mind the questions!” you said with a good natured laugh. “I met Hizashi and Shota when we all went to school together. Then we lost touch, because I...well, I sort of...chose a different life path than they did.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Hizashi slurped up his soba. 

“Here.” you looked up to see Hitoshi had brought you and Eri each a tray of food, setting them down in front of the two of you. 

“You’re so good to your mother,” you cooed, reaching up to grab his cheek. 

He dodged you expertly, ducking out of the way and going to sit with Bakugou and his friends on Deku’s other side. You narrowed your eyes at him, making sure he knew that he couldn’t run forever, and as Denki watched the exchange, he spoke up. 

“...Wait. You didn’t become a pro hero?” he asked. 

“I took the hero course here at UA.” you explained, grabbing your chopsticks. “I ended up dropping out before graduation. This is actually my first time back since then.”

“So...” Deku seemed nervous. “Were you, uh...”

“A villain?” you asked. 

When he nodded quickly, you laughed and offered a nod of your own. 

“Yeah, I suppose I was. My quirk used to be wild, and hard to control...I got so frustrated when I wasn’t making any progress with it that I decided to just leave school. I was mad at everyone, and I fell in with people who felt the same way. One thing leads to another, and next thing you know, I’m running from the loudest, most obnoxious pro hero in the city.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to Hizashi, who was doing his best not to choke on his lunch. 

“And he never caught me,” you said adoringly, leaning against his shoulder. 

“I never caught you on my own,” he corrected. 

“Made my ears bleed a few times, I think.”

“Yes, and I don’t regret that.” he pressed a cute, fluttery little kiss against the tip of your nose. “You were absolutely going to kill me.”

“Not absolutely!” you protested. 

“I had to rescue him.” Aizawa spoke up, his voice gruff and tired, like always. “Had to cancel your quirk and keep you tied down until the others could get to us.”

You smirked at your first memory of his scarf and what it could do, and as you did so, he realized that he had just admitted to tying you up with it in front of his idiot students.

“And that’s when I fell in looooove,” you grabbed his arm, batting your lashes at him obnoxiously. 

“Not another word.” he growled. 

The students were all staring at you with wide eyes. All except Hitoshi, who was rolling his. 

“I guess you could say I was reformed,” you said, grabbing some noodles. “Then one thing led to another, and...here we are.” You patted your belly. 

“That’s so romantic,” Mina sighed, leaning her chin on her hand. 

“What’s your quirk?” Ochako asked. 

“I could show you!” you said eagerly, moving to stand.

“Absolutely not.” Shota held onto your arm and forced you to sit down again. “You are due in two weeks. No nonsense until after the pups are born.”

It was your turn to roll your eyes now. 

“Fine,” you mumbled with a sigh. “I never get to have fun anymore.”

“But pups are so exciting!” the invisible girl, Hagakure, said. 

“Yeah!” Mina agreed. 

Then, the rest of the girls bombarded you with questions. 

“How many are you having?”

“What day are they coming?!”

“Can we meet them?”

“Mr. Aizawa, please can you bring them in to the dorms??”

“--But Mr. Aizawa, this is the safest place in Japan. There’s no way anything bad would happen to them--”

“--And besides, (y/n) has a super strong quirk, right? She said so!”

“Come on, just let us see the brats when they’re old enough to travel.”

The sound of Bakugou’s voice had everyone staring at the blond boy. 

“...What?” he bristled. “It’s not like I care, I just want the girls to shut up.”

“Uh huh. Sure, Bakugou.” Kirishima snorted. 

“...maybe.” Aizawa relented, eager to shut them all up. 

That was enough for the girls, and they immediately began talking chattering about the cutest baby clothes, the best toys, and then the differences between their own upbringings. You enjoyed listening to them throughout the rest of lunch, and by the time the hour had ended, you were sad to be leaving. 

“Hang on, hang on,” Hizashi said as you took Eri’s hand to leave. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Home,” you furrowed your brow. “Why?”

“We told you,” Shota said, standing with his hands in his pockets. “We don’t want you wandering around the city.”

“And I told you, I’m fine--”

“Just stay here for the rest of the day.”

“...What?”

“We’ll all go home together later.” Hizashi smiled. “You and Eri can hang out in the lounge. I bet Midnight would love to pester you about the bump, too.”

You smiled, walking towards your alphas. “Alright. Alright, yeah. That sounds nice.”

As Class 1-A lingered at the end of the hall, watching for as long as they could get away with, Denki elbowed Hitoshi in the side. 

“Dude, your mom is--”

“Don’t you dare say hot.” Shinso growled. 

“Actually, I was gonna say badass, but that too--”

The purple haired boy glared at him. “Shut up, Denki.”

“What? It’s a compliment!”

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

original idea, m | kth

pairing(s): taehyung x reader

summary: Your boyfriend, Kim Taehyung, is observant. He noticed you started your period today and picked up your favorite can of sweet Thai tea on his way back from visiting his best friend Park Jimin. How nice of him until he asks you mid-gulp if he can go in raw.

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; unprotected period sex, do not do this unless you absolutely trust the other person; established relationship; low-key crack; lots of fluff; shower smut (fem reader is on her period, handjob, unprotected, wall sex, creampie, doggy); non-idol!BTS, ft Jimin putting ideas in Taehyung's head, who would have guessed

--

“You started your period today.”

You cracked open the can of Thai tea you boyfriend handed you. “Yeah, how’d you know?”

“I saw the pad wrapper in the trash.”

“Oh.”

You took a large sip, thinking the conversation was over.

“Does that mean I can go in raw?”

You nearly spit out the entire contents of your mouth. Instead, you choked and swallowed hard, coughing and sputtering. “What?”

Kim Taehyung expression didn’t change. “Does that mean I can go in–?”

You held up your hand, coughing wildly, hacking the words out. “I heard what you said, I just can’t believe you said it, who the fuck?”

Taehyung seemed to understand and nodded, dark brown hair falling over his forehead.

“Oh, right. I was talking to Jimin and he mentioned–”

Oh, of course, how could you not guess, Taehyung’s best friend Park Jimin was putting ideas in Taehyungie’s little noggin and now murdering you as you struggled to breathe.

“–that it could be possible, because you’re right, it’s too early to have kids and having a monetary plan to prepare is a better idea–”

You were glad that Taehyung was interested in finances when it came to having children but he sure picked a weird ass time to agree with your sensibilities.

“–but I love having sex with you, so I was telling Jimin I haven’t been in raw yet and I completely understand that you prefer condoms over hormones since that might affect your mental state and I don’t like the idea of only you doing something like that to yourself anyway, it doesn’t seem fair–”

You were still processing the fact that Taehyung had told Jimin he hadn’t been in raw. What the fuck?! At least he loved having sex with you. You were staring at Taehyung slack-jawed, but he was scrunching up his face, trying to remember the rest of the conversation.

“–and Jimin mentioned, ‘hey, at least you can do it when she’s on her period, it’ll add more lubrication and it might even be better for her,’ so I was wondering if we could try it, if you’re interested.”

Silence.

You still hadn’t picked your jaw off the floor.

Taehyung opened his eyes and smiled at you. “Hm? What do you think?”

Okay, you very much enjoyed Taehyung’s eager, boxy smile, so that unfroze you, but you still blurted out your next question in sheer shock.

“Why did you tell Jimin you’ve never been in raw?!”

He blinked, tilting his head. “It just came up.”

You looked around, expecting Jimin to pop out and tell you you’ve been pranked. He did not.

“…. H-How…? Actually, don’t tell me, I’m going choose ignorance…” you mumbled, now taking another long sip of your Thai tea, but more like a swig and wishing it was forty-percent alcohol.

“But what do you think though?” Taehyung persisted, leaning down with his tilted head to try and catch your eye. “Do you wanna try? It might be nice!”

You looked down.

Someone was thinking about it for sure.

You looked back up.

Taehyung smiled at you innocently with a massive tent in his pants.

You stared into those big brown eyes and sighed.

“Ah… probably not. It’s going to be so messy and dirty and cleaning up is going to be such a bitch… I’m sorry, Tae, but I don’t think…”

-

“So…”

You stood under the showerhead, your hair wet and sticking to your forehead.

“So.”

Hey, in your defense, you were also curious.

Taehyung chewed on his lip, watching you inquiringly. “Hey, we don’t have to. I was being kinda pushy… but…”

You scratched your head, moving your wet hair out of your eyes. “Ah, it’s okay, I understand, I just… it feels wrong, you know? Aren’t you grossed out?”

He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Mmm, at first? But the more I think about it, the more I think, well, isn’t it natural? And you have to deal with it every month for many, many years, right? Plus, when we have children, they’re going to come out of you slightly, erm…” He made a little bit of a face but shook his head, spraying water everywhere from his dark wet hair. “Anyway, it’s not too bad. We’re in the shower. You like it when we do stuff in the shower,” Taehyung added brightly.

You contained your laughter, giving him a hopeless smile. “Why are you acting so weird?”

Now Taehyung turned red, his deep tan skin flushing, eyes shifting from side to side. “Um…”

You tilted your head.

He shot you a quick glance and mumbled under his breath.

“Idon’tknowhowlongI’mgonnalastIalreadydon’tlastthatlong.”

“What?”

He chewed on his lip.

“Nothing.”

“Oh.”

You reached up and pushed your hair back, swimsuit-supermodel style, and now Taehyung was doing more than glancing, he was observing very closely and very intently under wet strands of dark brown hair, curling around his strong features and moody brown eyes, his lips parting slightly, probably unnoticed on his part.

Looking like a fish wasn’t exactly an image Taehyung himself considered sexy.

Secretly, you enjoyed it because it meant he wasn’t conscious of what he looked like and was too distracted by your actions and your body to do so.

You smiled. “Why were you talking to Jimin about something like that anyway?”

Taehyung stiffened as you neared, biting his lip. “Ah, well…” He frowned slightly. “You’re so good at certain… things… It’s kind of frustrating for me… sometimes. I want to be better.”

Now you hesitated. “What are you talking about? Haven’t I taught you a lot of things? And you learn quickly and are amazing once you get the hang of it.”

His lips twisted into a small pout.

“For once, I’d like to teach you something.” He let out a small puff. “Or at least suggest something you’ve never heard of before.”

You blinked at him.

“Er… going in raw isn’t exactly a new concept… rather… that’s the original idea of dick and pussy in the first place…”

Taehyung scrunched up his face. “I know that, argh… I just mean… ah…” He trailed off, baritone voice now unsure and unsteady.

You saw he was rapidly losing confidence and you placed a hand on his chin, lightly lifting it with your knuckle. “Hey, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I want to try it. I just thought you wouldn’t like it, because… I mean… Period blood isn’t sexy per se… And I’m certainly not sexy during that time of the month…” You frowned uneasily, lowering your hand, but now Taehyung raised your chin, smiling at you.

“Don’t be silly. You’re always sexy.”

He leaned in, smile morphing into a smirk.

“Also, your boobs get bigger during that time of month, so I always appreciate that.”

Your eyes widened. “You noticed?”

Taehyung raised an eyebrow. “Of course, I noticed. I keep close tabs on your boobs.”

“Close tabs? Do you record the size in a notebook or something?”

He chuckled, tapping his temple with his free hand, the other sliding down your chin, tracing the contours of your neck and collarbones. “Mental notes. I remember all the important stuff. Your boobs are on the top of the list.”

Your cut in with your inquiring quips. “My ass? My mouth? My hands? My pussy?”

Taehyung frowned slightly and placed his large hand on your breast, kneading it as if he needed comfort. “Okay, near the top, but don’t make me order them, it’s too difficult.”

You grinned. “That makes me feel better.”

He breathed out in relief. “Whew, that’s good–mphf!”

You seized the moment and pushed him into the wall, pressing your wet body into his, your tongue snaking out and lightly flicking against his lips, taking advantage of his surprise and the beauty of his widened eyes to kiss him firmly, falling into his warmth. It took him a second to compose himself, tipping his head down to take charge of the kiss, squeezing your breast and running his thumb over your hard nipple, but you placed your palms flat on the shower wall and resisted him, dancing your tongue between his lips and not letting him catch it, smirking at the growl he made in frustration.

“We were having a moment,” he muttered.

“Mmm, I know, but I want my moment with him.”

Your fingers ghosted his thigh and he sucked in a breath as your hand closed around his cock, not quite hard yet but getting there, especially after your hand came into contact with it. You feathered kisses on his lips as you stroked his length, nice and slow, his other hand coming up to cup both breasts, panting softly, hot breath on your lips.

“You’re too quick…”

“Can’t waste too much water,” you chuckled. “And…”

You kissed up his jaw, adjusting your body to get a better angle, licking his skin lightly and feeling the vibration and depth of his moan under your tongue and lips, whispering gently into his ear.

“It’s kind of hard to focus when you’re so handsome, Tae.”

He let you have the moment, tipping his head down so your teeth could catch his ear, nipping at it lightly, contrasting with the pace of your hand, firm and intense, shivering at the thickness and the weight in your palm, savoring the taste of his skin, moaning into his ear, long and sensual, everything he liked and more, his head turning, black-brown eyes looking down at you under lashes covered in small droplets, adding to his already ethereal appearance.

“Let me…”

He leaned in, not finishing his sentence, kissing you long and deep and sweet, changing your positions, but you didn’t let go, toying with his tongue. He made a small tch sound of annoyance, shifting his hips, picking up one of your legs.

“Ah, w-wait…”

“Why?” he chuckled. “You don’t wanna wait. I can tell.”

You tried to hide the smirk, but it came out.

Smugness just refused to be hidden.

Taehyung grinned against your lips. “Thought so.”

Your hand was already guiding him. “This isn’t going to be the optimal position for you to cum.”

“Good.”

You raised an eyebrow and he thrust up into your pussy.

You sucked in a breath, relaxing yet still stretched out. It did hurt slightly. Taehyung was sizable after all, in length and girth, but you had practice and muscle memory, and maybe (definitely) a pain kink.

What? It was fun getting stuffed with dick.

Especially when it was Taehyung’s dick.

You? You were fine.

Taehyung?

“Oh, fuck…!”

Er, maybe not?

He had such a cocky expression beforehand but the second he entered you, it instantly changed, sudden tension in his strong features, gasping as he slid in, surprisingly much easier than you expected, perhaps due to the consistency of the slippery blood, almost stopping halfway, but you didn’t let him, firmly grabbing his hips and yanking him towards you, his eyes rolling back, whining your name loudly, the volume and depth reverberating in the bathroom.

“You’re so t-tight… fuck… soft… oh, shit…”

You let him run through every expletive he knew, holding him firmly by his juicy ass, enjoying it too much, but thankfully Taehyung didn’t notice, eyes closed, head thrown back, dark wet hair curling around his cheekbones. He reached up and pushed it away from his face, exhaling hard, slowly opening his eyes, hazy and unfocused.

“Fuck… it feels so fucking good, you have no idea…” he shuddered, twitching inside you and moaning once more, body shaking so he had to plant his hands on the walls of the shower, volume increasing as you pulsed your muscles around his length. There was slight pain from cramps, but not from his cock, and you could ignore the dull ache and focus on the pleasure, slowly moving your hips and biting your lip, feeling the added slickness of your juices mixing with the blood.

You often cursed your period’s arrival, but maybe it was time to reconsider.

Always good to find the silver lining in things.

“Taehyung…”

You rolled your hips and he gasped, thrusting back lightly.

“Don’t wanna hurt you,” he panted, swallowing hard. “Shit, it feels so fucking good, I can’t t-think…”

“I’ll tell you if it hurts,” you managed to say, pressing your hands into his ass and angling yourself to take him deeper, shoulder blades and head touching the shower wall, sighing in satisfaction.

“Alright, I’m gonna…”

He clenched his jaw, faster, harder, one hand coming down to grab a handful of your ass, you wrapping a leg around his and meeting him in the middle, increasing the depth of each thrust, both of you gasping at the tightness and the wetness, the messy slap and squelch echoing in the bathroom, water raining down on his broad back and spraying onto your chest, clenching around him so he could feel more, his eyelids fluttering, biting his lower lip, tendons on his neck popping out, and you realized he was trying not to cum, trying to hold back, so you gave his stiff length a particularly firm squeeze and Taehyung groaned, barely able to shoot you an incredulous look.

You grinned.

“I’m gonna cum, fuck!”

You felt it, his cock twitching and spilling into you, eyes widening at the sensation, not quite as strong as porn seemed to make it, but noticeable for sure, pushing out your juices in a rough sputter, loud and obscene, flinching as Taehyung’s hand quickly moved down, rubbing your clit, making you squirm and twist of his cock, almost falling off but he kept his other hand on your ass, digging his nails into the softness, holding you in place.

“Come on, come on, come on–”

It didn’t take much, you were already turned on by the fucking and then the sensation of being filled up, and you cried out, trying not to move your hips, the high peaking.

“Tae, fuck!”

Hot shivers and burning electricity tearing through your veins, jerking your hips forward and tightening around his cock, harsh throbs racking your body you came, pussy squeezing so hard that you felt his cock stiffen again, swelling and growing inside you as your orgasm roughly roused him back to life, both of you moaning at the sensation, feeling his cum and yours drip down your thigh, hearing it plop thickly onto the bathtub below and wash away, stunning both you and him at the lewd noise.

“Whoa…”

You panted hard, letting out a tense puff as he slid out of you.

“That felt… so fucking good…”

You thought for a moment, catching your breath. The pain your felt was only from cramps, although it seemed to be less now. Was that the ibuprofen? Or the euphoria of orgasm? You paused on consider the differences, chewing on your lip thoughtfully.

“I think for me it’s about the same? You feel very similar with and without a condom.”

Taehyung shook his head. “Not for me, you feel way better, I don’t know how I can go back, the condom is seriously a nerf…” he mumbled.

You shifted your eyes. “You didn’t last… the longest.”

His ears turned red.

“W… Well…”

“My pussy is pretty overpowered, maybe she needs the nerf.”

He sighed, frowning. “True… I still stand by the fact that it physically feels better, but more time to enjoy does even it out…”

You tapped your fist in your other palm. “Oh! Let’s do it from behind.”

He blinked. “Eh?”

But you were already turning around, Taehyung stumbling back, pushing the showerhead out of the way and pointing it towards the wall so he didn’t drown, audibly gasping as you bent over and presented your ass, hands spreading open your pussy with one fluid motion. You turned your head back and grinned.

“Yes?”

“Oh, fuck, yes.”

You felt him position the head against your opening and he pushed in, slow, steady, both you of moaning at the feeling, centimeter by centimeter, this position tighter, more heavenly, giving you added control over your muscles so you could pulsate around him. He inhaled sharply, gripping your hips and forcefully pushing in the rest of the way, bottoming out, balls smacking your clit.

“Stop t-that, fuck…”

You let go of your ass and placed one hand on the edge of the bathtub and the other on the wall.

Then you rocked your hips back.

“Ah, yes, Tae…”

“Are you trying to kill me? Oh, shit!”

You continued and Taehyung had no choice, fiercely grabbing your hips to try and get you to stop, but you were undeterred, so he had to ram his cock into you, exactly what you wanted, the sudden sensation of the head hitting you deeply rendering your speechless, and he had no time to gloat, too driven by lust and pleasure to taunt you even if he wanted to.

“A-ah, it’s good like this too, oh, fuuuck, yes, you always feel so fucking tight…”

He had a good rhythm and pace like this, deep, controlled, fast, making sure to give you the powerful thrusts you liked, loud, audible smacks of hips to ass, rough and wet, and you knew you had his cum inside you now along with yours and the added slickness of your period, and, sure, maybe someone found it gross, but in this second (and lucky all subsequent seconds involving this very behavior that would certainly continue at least once a month) you nor Taehyung gave a single fucking shit, pleasure flaring up your core, the dull ache of cramps forgotten, completely focused on the feeling of his cock entering you over and over, your hand on the wall curling into a fist, hitched breaths and flinching shivers taking over, clenching around him, oh fuck, his rock-hard, thick length plunging into your tight, wet hole, too much, so good, your thighs tensing from the overwhelming proximity of release.

“Taehyung, oh, fuck, you’re so good at f-fucking me…”

You could tell he wasn’t talking on purpose, probably clenching his jaw to last as long as possible, but he wasn’t going to last much longer because you smacked your palm into the tile wall, gasping his name loudly, shot into free-fall.

“Gonna cum, fuck!”

That was all the warning he got as your walls spasmed, brutally massaging his cock and he hissed your name, turning into a half-moan, half-whine as he yanked your hips down and slammed into your pussy, fully sheathing himself all the way up to his balls, his cock jolting and spilling his orgasm into you, his hands on your ass shaking so bad they seemed to be vibrating, gripping tighter and tighter, rolling his hips inside you and moaning, prolonging the euphoric feeling.

“S-So good… ah, yeeeeeees…”

It took him a while to still, breathing loud and hard, holding you in the bent over position, the additional time getting slightly awkward, but you waited it out, his grip finally loosening, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you up, your pussy too wet and his cock giving up, sliding out, a mess of juices splattering out of you.

Good thing you were in the shower. Easy to clean up.

“It’s… too good…” Taehyung huffed, broad shoulder leaning against the wall to hold himself up, still clinging onto you. “Your pussy does need a nerf, but, fuck, I’m still gonna think about it all the time…”

“Good thing for you that my period lasts at least five days.”

Taehyung looked up to the sky and whispered his gratitude.

“I know you kind of hate it, but I’m still going to thank them.”

“Maybe I have a reason to hate it a little less now. It’s still inconvenient.”

“Yeah, but going in raw…”

Mmm, yeah, that still sounded weird. Oh well.

“You’re not going to tell Jimin, right?”

-

“You let him go in raw?!”

“Taehyung!”

--

masterpost

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Meeting and Dating Kenickie Murdoch

(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous)

- You never really cared about social classes or what people chose to wear. In theory, you didn’t mind greasers; you’d actually been quite fond of them at your old school. You just didn’t like the greasers at Rydell. 

- Your family moved houses during your senior year and since Rydell was much closer than the school you’d been going to for the past three years, your parents chose to enroll you there instead. 

- Fast forward to your first day at school. Coincidentally, you ended up on the same bus as Patty Simcox, who enthusiastically took it upon herself to become your tour guide. 

- The minute you stepped foot into the schools parking lot, her eyes zeroed in on a group of boys who were stood near the front of the school. You glanced over and asked if something was wrong. Her response was to warn you about “the T-Birds” and the other greaser/delinquent groups in the school. 

- You stopped yourself from rolling your eyes and assured her you would, mainly to change the subject. You hadn’t really intended to avoid the kids, well, up until you got your first real look at them. 

- Greasers started trouble at your old school, but it was always with people who either deserved it or were willing to fight back. This; you watched as the group of boys teased “Eugene”, wasn’t the same. You shook your head and made your way to your first period class, realizing that it was probably good to stay away from these delinquents. 

- But alas, that would prove to be quite difficult. Kenickie was in; at least, one of your classes; he could have been in more considering you were sure he cut half of them that day. And he seemed to take a liking to you the moment he walked in; late, to class. 

- You could feel him burning holes into the side of your head and when you finally glanced towards him, he gave you a small crooked grin. You rolled your eyes and turned away, intent on ignoring him for the rest of the period. He didn’t like that. 

- Throughout the period, which was filled with first day “fun” activities, he became increasingly bothersome with his attempts to garner your attention. Tapping his fingers, tapping his foot, dropping a textbook “on accident”, making loud jokes. You accidentally chuckled at one of them and were immediately met with a grin and wink once you snuck a glance at him. 

- The bell chimed and you picked up your things, making your way out of class quickly, hoping to leave him in the dust. You had no such luck as he seemed to be hot on your tail, matching your pace as he uttered his first words to you. 

“Haven’t seen you around here.”

“Maybe you haven’t looked hard enough.”

“Believe me, I’d remember a face like yours.” 

“Well maybe you should try and forget it.” You told him just as you entered your next class, leaving him standing in the doorway; a determined look plastered across his face. This wouldn’t be the end of it. 

- For the next few months, Kenickie would do everything he could to get you to acknowledge him. Teasing, flirting, complimenting, peacocking, playing it cool; you name it.  

- Going to hang out somewhere? He always just happens to be there, catching your eye as he enters the room. If you go to walk past him, he’ll block you with his legs, making you stop and speak to him; if only to say an exasperated excuse me, as you wait. 

- Waiting outside for someone? Well so is he. Hey, it isn’t his fault that you’re stood in a popular place that his friends always meet at …but while you’re here, why doesn’t he buy you a coke or something? 

- It’s not that you hated him. Sure, he annoyed you and could be a real jerk when he wanted to be but you didn’t hate him. A part of you even liked him and his attention, but you also knew that it probably wasn’t in your best interest to be interested in him. 

- Ever since you came to the school, all you ever heard about was how him and his friends did this or how him and his friends did that. Watch out for Kenickie. Oh can you guess who Kenickie parked with last night. Some of  it seemed exciting and he was certainly handsome, but he was also trouble and that was the last thing you needed, wasn’t it? 

- Unfortunately for you, Kenickie wasn’t keen on giving up and your resolve was beginning to break. His flirtation took a less obnoxious turn, it even started sounding sweet and soon enough you had to admit that he’d wormed his way into your heart. 

- It was after school one day, you were sat in the nearly empty courtyard, reading a book and enjoying the sun. After a while, you heard boots scraping slightly on the concrete behind you, the noise getting closer and closer until you heard your name. You immediately knew who it was. 

“Kenickie?” You asked, turning to look at him.

- He locked eyes with you for a moment, looking as though he really wanted to say something before he glanced up. His eyes scanned over the five people who were sat in the courtyard around you, his teeth nibbling anxiously at his bottom lip. 

“C’mon, I gotta talk to you.” He said, taking you by the arm and pulling you out of your seat, dragging you behind him as he walked to a totally deserted area behind the school. 

- The two of you stopped short and you watched him as he turned towards you. He was acting …strangely. Was he sick? Was he on something? You were about to say something when he finally spoke. 

“Y/n? You know how I’m always messin with ya?” He tugged at his collar, his eyes darting around, moving from the ground to your face and back to the ground again. “And how I- How I’ve, well, you know. How I’ve been messin with ya. 

- Listening to him ramble, it took you a minute but you finally realized what was going on. The Kenickie Murdoch …was nervous. 

- The thought flattered you more than anything. The tough greaser of your school was getting genuinely flustered and it was because of you. 

- His eyes landed on you for a long moment, his words coming to a stop as he seemed to mull over what he should say. Finally, he looked to his feet and spoke, his voice so low that you almost didn’t hear what he said.

“Well, I like you and I wanted to know if you, maybe, liked me too.” He gazed into your eyes once he’d finished, an uncharacteristic vulnerability lingering inside his baby blues. 

- You felt yourself begin to smile, butterflies fluttering inside your stomach as you tried to think of how to respond. Simple seemed like the way to go.

“Yeah,” You said softly, smiling up at him. “Yeah, I like you.”

- A big grin spread across his face, his nerves leaving him in an excited chuckle as he gripped your bicep and gave it a gentle push. Biting his lip as he smiled, his hand moved at his side as though he were banging it against something, before realizing he probably looked like a big goof. 

“Great,” He cleared his throat. “Good. I’ll pick you up at seven.”

- Your first date was at the drive-in theater. You don’t know how hard it was for him to not make a move on you. If you ever noticed him suddenly stiffen, it was because he was willing himself not to reach down and touch your boob or lunge across his center console and kiss you until you couldn’t breathe. You’re a lady, he can’t do that! Bad Kenickie! Bad!

- Knowing his reputation, you chose to make him wait a little and anticipate your first kiss. So the two of you kissed for the first time on your fourth date. But believe me, he tried to smooch you before then.

- The two of you had gone to Frosty’s palace for a shake and after you were finished, he drove the two of you to “makeout point”. He tried to act innocent when you gave him a look but he wasn’t fooling anyone. You rolled your eyes as he drummed his fingers along the steering wheel, uttering out a “come on” and smiling as he dove to connect your lips.

- Well, now that you have him, you won’t be able to get rid of him anytime soon. Not that you want to.

- Pda? All the time baby. You’re his girl and he’s gotta show it …just no goo goo ga ga stuff. He’s got a tough greaser reputation to keep up, ya know?

- His arm is wrapped around your shoulders 90% of the time.

- He likes gripping your chin and tilting you into a kiss. That lovey dovey look in your eyes as your gazing up at him gets him every time.

- Sitting between his legs and leaning back against his chest. He’s a serial lounger so it’s either that or he’ll just drape himself across you.

- He uses a lot of nicknames with you. Most of them are used in a sarcastic tone, unless they’re generic or the two of you are alone.

- Playful threats, sarcasm, and snide remarks.

- He will nap on you, laying his head in your lap and crossing his arms over his chest. Hope you don't mind the grease too much.

- He’ll deny it until his very last breath, but he’s a snuggler and is definitely the one to initiate cuddles 90% of the time. He complains and practically pouts whenever you pull away from him.

- The two of you usually cuddle facing each other, your arms wrapped snug around each other and your legs tangled together. He can’t help but smile whenever you sleepily tell him he smells good; which he always does.

- He insists on walking you to class, not caring about when he manages to get to his own. He’s late everyday anyway.

- Sneaking out to go see him. There’s always a smile on his face as he watches you make your way outside, though he’ll; weakly, scold you if you do anything dangerous. You just tell him that he could always stop coming to see you. He never takes you up on that offer.

- Late night drives.

- Parking in dark areas.

- Desperate makeouts. He always trails after your lips every time you pull away, moaning your name like the two of you were doing a whole lot more than kissing.

- One word: insatiable. His hormones are racing. Testosterone is pumping through his body. His pelvis is leading the way wherever he goes. He can force himself to wait until you want to do something but boy is it hard when you look so good.

- The more heated things get, the sloppier his kisses become; though you’re usually too far gone to really care.

- “Sneaky butt grabs” and blatant grinding against you.

- He definitely air humps your backside and makes grabbing hands at your butt/chest when you aren’t facing him, pretending like he wasn't doing anything when you turn to look at him.

- Hickeys. 

- Soft pushes when he makes wisecracks. He’ll knock shoulders with you and smirk or waggle his eyebrows, until you smile and roll your eyes.

- Anytime he does something; especially something big, he’ll ask what you think or look towards you for your reaction. He seeks your praise. Your opinion means a lot to him, even if he doesn’t outright say it.

- He probably got your name tattooed on him at some point. I wouldn't put it past the sucker.

- Not so deep down, he’s a softie and a pushover; especially for you. Try not to give him too much lip when he gets all goo goo eyed with you.

- As suave as he may seem. He hasn’t made it with all that many girls; at least not all the way. Sometimes, you’re gonna be genuinely shocked with some of the confessions that he makes to you because they all just make him seem so much more …cute.

- Momma’s boy. You think it’s sweet when you go over to his house and she dotes on him, usually prompting him to give an embarrassed “ma” with a mouthful of sandwich and/or reddening cheeks.

- He doesn't have a whole lot of spending money so; generally, the two of you go on fairly cheap dates, and usually go Dutch when buying things.

- Sock hops.

- Sharing and stealing food. If you can’t finish something and ask if he wants it, be prepared for him to grab it before you can even finish your sentence.

- He’s always got a beer for you if you’re into that sorta thing. He was probably the person to give you your first, amongst other firsts....

- Double; and more, dates with the couples in his gang.

- Your boyfriend is also Danny Zuko's boyfriend so expect to see the greaser a lot. He’s pretty fond of you and much sweeter than you anticipated.

- You’re only allowed to wear the jacket when it’s late at night and he catches you shivering; or when you’re completely alone. He won’t let any of the other guys see you wearing it, they can’t know that he’s gone soft.

- He’s not the best at comforting you but he’s pretty good at cheering you up and distracting you from what’s bothering you.

- Dangerous displays and daredevil antics. Whether he does them to impress or spook you is still up for debate.

- Harmless pranks, usually when you’re alone because he’d have to kick someone’s ass if they laughed you. He’s the only one allowed to tease you.

- He likes looking through your things. Your purse, your shelves, your locker; he’s a curious boy and his questions must be answered through scientific observation. He’s also looking for your compact mirror half the time so maybe just take your bag back and get it for him. 

- Sometimes, a womans gotta stand her ground and you’ll have to every now and again to make sure he doesn't walk all over you. He loves you but he can also be a jerk so give him a little hell when he’s giving you trouble. He learns that you aren’t to be toyed with or disrespected pretty quickly, and to be honest, you putting him in his place kinda turns him on.

- You once went to see a movie with him and offhandedly mentioned that one of the actors was handsome. He spent the whole night criticizing the movie and glancing at you when the actor was on screen to see your reaction. He was also extra handsy and kept trying to make a move, which prompted you to shrug him off. He was genuinely offended that you’d rather watch the guy then fool around with him.

- He can; obviously, be quite the jealous man. The only problem is that when he’s jealous, he usually tries to make you jealous too; especially if you’re fighting. It usually culminates in him failing to keep himself under control, finally just snapping and trying to beat the other guy bloody which is pretty much how all of his bouts of jealousy turn out. 

- He’s protective as all hell in all meanings of the word. He doesn’t want you getting hurt feelings, a hurt body, sick; nothing. He always jumps to your defense, immediately telling people to shut up if they even try to insult or hint at something unsatisfactory about you. Believe me, anybody who messes with you is cruisin’ for a bruisin’. 

- The two of you probably argue quite a bit but you don’t always have full blown fights. He’s usually a pretty blunt and sarcastic boy and doesn’t mince his words very often; especially when he’s angry, so things can get pretty heated whenever you do have a fight. 

- If you storm out on him, he’ll follow, even if he knows you’re about ready to kill him. He’ll take all the abuse you want to throw at him but you’re going to settle and square it right then and there, dammit!

- If you don’t wind up resolving things immediately after, then he’ll linger where he knows you’ll pass, hoping you’ll come up to him and forget everything that happened. He’s shy when apologizing but he does give you one when he’s in the wrong. 

- He shyly mumbles out a “love you” after you say it, especially when it’s in front of the guys. He’ll knock their blocks off if they even so much as smile at his expense.

- He proposes to you straight out of highschool. Some may call him crazy but he knows that you’re the one and he’s ready to spend the rest of his life with you.

[skelswritingcorner]

Savanaclaw + Autistic!MC

The actual content of this is directly copied and pasted from the Wattpad post; the author’s note and content warnings are paraphrased but still keep the general message.

A/N: This involves some stuff like having an autistic sibling, and some other things that weren’t mentioned in the first part.

Content Warnings: Menstruation, injury that happens in the canonical story.

Leona Kingscholar (this dude’s so hard to write ;-;)

The first time he met her was when she stepped on his tail. He was surprised at how much she apologised and insisting on checking his tail for any bruises or broken bones. Who does this herbivore think she is? He often thinks to himself, denying his appreciation of her concern because of his pride.

Unlike the women of the Afterglow Savanna, Leona noticed that MC was rather timid in comparison. Is this normal for herbivores? He felt like something was wrong, but it was simply an afterthought that nagged at him sometimes at night.

Sometimes, after taking a nap, he occasionally sees her nearby minding her own business. When asked, she replied that she found his silence calming. He found this strange but okay. Eventually, sometimes he’d notice a strange change in scent on her end but was too prideful to bring it up.

Before the Magift tournament, he noticed how she was somewhat irritated in general. When he asked her about it, she told him about her brother who often wouldn’t shut up about sports if given the chance. “I’m not even a sporty person,” she grumbled, “please don’t take it personally. I just can’t stand my brother since he’s super loud and an ass.” Well, Leona can’t relate to her struggle exactly but they both mutually hate their older brothers, that’s adequate enough for him.

During his overblot, MC again shows no fear (y’all sense the pattern here). This time it’s his tail and ears that she wants to pet. Ruggie and Jack panic, but it’s simply deja vu for Heartslabyul.

After getting knocked out by Grim during the exhibition match, Jack noticed the changed smell, but accompanied by the smell of blood and told the nurses along with Leona and Ruggie. After being brought to the infirmary, the nurses deduced that she started her period. He grumbled that she should’ve told them and proceeded to prepare for the official game to begin.

When Cheka came to visit them, his loudness scared MC half to death so Leona had to tell Cheka to stop shouting. Did Leona ever find out MC’s autistic? He found out through Ace. Did he change much, if at all? Definitely not, why does that matter anyways to him?

Ruggie Bucchi (also hard to write as well) He paid for his mischief and tomfoolery with an irritated lassie (this is the most powerful sentence I’ve ever written tbh). He stole Riddle and Cater’s magic pens and proceeded to be chased first by an enraged girl acting on sheer impulse and revenge followed by two other first years and a demon cat.

Okay, now this dude’s pretty laid back so he’s going to be tolerant, but after she chases him to an inch of his life he’s going to be terrified. He’s going to be confused when MC doesn’t get his jokes or her fury at the pranks he pulls at first, but when explained by Deuce that she usually doesn’t understand jokes (he gon get smacked) unless she herself makes them and tells him don’t pull these pranks again (everyone’s traumatized, -1000/10 won’t want to experience again). When Ruggie told her that she’s terrifying, she simply replied with, “You say that but my mom’s scarier.”

Poor dude’s gonna think her mom’s this super tall buff woman that can knock someone out with little to no effort but he’s thinking completely wrong. When he asks her how she is terrifying she replies with, “Well...mom fought the school board where I’m from because my brother was bullied heavily in middle school. He’s so traumatized that he won’t go near the campus. I hated that school anyways, too loud for my liking.”

He likely doesn’t realise the hormonal changes until Leona mentions it. “I thought she was quite docile,” he says, “maybe she’s just having an off day.” Ruggie usually doesn’t take anything seriously, but this was getting into weird territory and can’t take it lightly.

When Leona overblotted, Ruggie and Jack were terrified at the fact that she seemingly didn’t register that, y’know, this is a dangerous situation and you really shouldn’t be petting his ears. “She did something similar when Riddle overblotted,” Deuce tells them, “it’s just deja vu for us.” And then she kicked him in the balls and scurried off...nobody expected that.

After the fight, Ruggie and Jack noticed that she was slightly fatigued (they didn’t smell the blood yet). When Crowley told her to sit on the sidelines she just shrugged, telling him that she’s been getting some cramps anyways and is likely in no shape to play anyways.

Grim chucks disc at MC, Jack notices the smell of blood, brings her to infirmary and finds out she started her period right after the overblot fight, yadda yadda (it’s 5 AM and I only got three hours of sleep please bear with me).

Eventually, he finds out after asking Deuce that she’s autistic. Nothing really changes, he just makes sure to watch his mouth and try not to pull pranks on her (he’s permanently traumatized y’all).

Jack Howl (he’s a very good boy...a tsundere one but still) He first met MC when she and the Heartslabyul boys (excluding Trey because…y’know) were scoping out who was most likely to be the next victim of the strange injuries. She insisted on doing it herself (bad idea when your period starts soon and there’s a bunch of humanoid students who can smell the pheromones).

She ended up getting hit on by some of the upperclassmen, she didn’t say she was uncomfortable due to self advocacy issues. Luckily Jack is a very good boy with a sense of justice so he drove them off and made sure she was okay.

After thanking him and explaining what was happening, he told MC that he didn’t need any protection. He muttered that he likely wouldn’t be targeted under his breath under the assumption it was too quiet for her to hear. He was oh so wrong.

She asked if she heard him correctly, that he would likely not be targeted. He realised at this point that he shouldn’t have underestimated her. He gave in and whispered into her ear that he had an idea of who was behind it, but couldn’t tell her yet. He wasn’t expecting to get ear scritches and a reminder to be safe just in case. Did he like it? He didn’t like to admit it, but he did. Did he expect it? Definitely not.

When he turned into his beast form before Leona overblotted, he didn’t realise that MC’s pupils widened. She wanted to pet him and squish his toe beans, okay? He was too angry at Leona to notice though.

When Leona did overblot, he panicked when she casually approached him and started petting his ears. He was trying his best not to lunge forward to grab her and take her somewhere far away, but she kicked Leona in the groin before scurrying off far enough to not be attacked. After the fight, he noticed that she smelled like she was bleeding but didn’t bring it up.

Skipping to the exhibition match after Grim knocked her unconscious with the disc, Jack rushed to her side to check for any injuries. Luckily she didn’t get too severe of brain damage, but the smell of blood and pheromones was overly strong, especially near her pelvis. He told this to the nurses before they brought her to the infirmary, and also told this to Leona and Ruggie.

After being told by Ace and Deuce that MC’s autistic, he’s gonna try his best to research it (dude’s intelligent, I admire that). He’s also going to research menstruation so he’ll be better prepared the next time it happens.

[scriptlgbt]

What would pregnancy symptoms be in an trans guy who is on T? How can my character find out he's pregnant because the main sign of missed periods doesn't exist? Might other signs differ? I can only find info on trans guy pregnancies when they want to get pregnant and they stop T and go for fertility treatments.

I've had to do some research myself on this. We've been asked a number of questions about this before, so I'm going to give general information as well as do my best to answer your questions.

I've found this quote from this survey-based study, in reference to the experiences of their sample size (which was relatively small tbh). Please note their survey only interviewed trans men who came into their identity prior to pregnancy. And in general, I highly recommend reading the full report (it's all free at the link) because it provides a lot of really useful information on this. Including terminology, which we're asked about all the time. For example, some trans men referred to pregnancy as "heavy time" or referred to themselves as "gestational parents" or "carriers" along with "dad" and others. There were also some questions about the general experience of pregnancy for trans men.

Nearly half of the transgender men who had not used testosterone had an unplanned pregnancy, a proportion comparable to that of the U.S. population. Comparatively, one fourth of those previously on testosterone had unplanned pregnancies. By design this study cannot speak to incidence or prevalence of unplanned pregnancies among transgender men. However, given the financial burden and risk of increased morbidity from unintended pregnancy as well as the contraindication of testosterone use during pregnancy, these findings suggest a potential unmet need for contraceptive services for transgender men.

I also want to mention that as a general thing, people on hormones long-term are recommended to get bloodwork done around once a year to check a variety of things. I have other issues so I usually test more broadly, but my iron and B12 levels get checked, cholesterol, my kidney function. Often, a part of this experience, for me anyway, is pee tests. I believe the last few times I did it they were testing for something else besides pregnancy, but there were a few times when getting it re-prescribed (switching from patches to injections) where it was for pregnancy. I think it's possible someone could just tack it on to their requisition.

Here's also a thing from Planned Parenthood's Tumblr about pee stick tests:

Pregnancy tests only test for the presence of a specific hormone in the body: Human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG). HCG is a hormone that’s produced after a fertilized egg has implanted into the wall of the uterus. So taking “T” will not interfere with pregnancy tests.

If a trans man gets a positive pregnancy test, he should talk to his health care provider about his options, as testosterone could have an effect on the pregnancy.

As for your question, here is an article written by a trans man who became pregnant while on testosterone, (BIG TW: framing abortion as "killing" a baby, by the author) and here's an excerpt that's relevant to your question specifically.

Line breaks added for accessibility.

Despite being on testosterone, and taking a testosterone safe form of birth control, I was/am in fact, pregnant. It was a complete shock to me. And not only am I pregnant, but I am also already (now) 5 months along, and hadn't even realized it.

The morning sickness was very brief and masked by food poisoning and the fact that it wasn't unusual even before this for me to get nauseous now and then for different reasons. I never had the strongest stomach.

And as far as other common symptoms, I did have some of them but they were spread out and random, and most were things I also dealt with normally just because my body is the way it is, and having never really looked up symptoms of pregnancy, I had no idea that the symptoms were in any way connected either.

Being on testosterone meant that I had no monthly cycle to keep track of, at least not that I had physical signs of, so I had no way of knowing I had "missed" anything. It was only when I started getting later symptoms of pregnancy as I got further along, that made me wonder enough to take a test. And lo and behold, positive.

I want to mention that later on in the article he mentioned the pregnancy was totally healthy and fine despite having taken testosterone up until then.

That isn't the case for everyone though, and it's not always due to testosterone. I'm not going to quote it, because the specifics and descriptions could be triggering for some. But this is an article which describes an instance where a stillbirth occurred after a trans man's labour symptoms were not taken as urgently as a woman's would have been. (It was evident from the article that the lack of urgent enough care is what caused it.)

I also know, in one of the articles I read (I can't remember which, maybe the first one?) that trans people who carry a pregnancy are much more likely to opt for non-traditional birthing situations (ie outside of a hospital, like with a doula or something) in order to avoid discrimination.

- mod nat

[buckyownsmylife]

You found me - Loki Laufeyson smut

The one where you’re on your period.

Warnings: period sex, oral sex (f), p in v, breeding kink, praise kink

Word count: 3.5K

A/N: Day 7 of kinktober and this one is coming out unrevised because I’m fucking tired and I don’t have a beta. The prompts were praise kink and period sex. Also, Loki is nasty and if you’re squirmy about the subject of blood in sex, you probably shouldn’t read this.

Loki’s P.O.V.

I’d watched the sweet human grow more agitated with each passing day. Upon my arrival at the tower, she immediately caught my eye, not only because of her indisputable beauty, but mostly due to how charming and approachable she was even to me, someone barely considered bearable by most of the other inhabitants of the building.

And still, she didn’t seem to care. Not that the others, her friends, didn’t like if she so much as stood closer to me, and not that I had once tried to destroy her entire planet. “You’re not your mistakes, Loki,” she’d answered when I inquired, at last beaten by my own curiosity. “To me, you have a clean slate. You’ve been nothing but polite and courteous to me since you arrived. I don’t have any reason to continuously mistreat you for crimes you’ve already been acquitted for or that you’ve already suffered for.”

She truly was a mystery to me, her kindness so unusual to my being that I couldn’t help but to drink it in as much as possible, looking for her whenever I didn’t have anything else to do, which was constantly. So when she started to change, despite the small nature of the differences, it all seemed that clearer to me.

It started with her bursting into tears in the middle of breakfast when my bull of a brother accidentally bumped into her, making her drop the cup of tea in her hands. Everyone was startled by the sight, much more than by the porcelain breaking, concerned that she had somehow managed to hurt herself, but after a while, she rubbed her eyes, clearing them of tears before dismissing our preoccupations with a wave of her hand.

“‘M sorry, I’m just sensitive today. I felt guilty over breaking something, God, I’m such a klutz.” No one even had the time to note that it hadn’t been her fault or that the tin man had more than enough money to buy thousands of cups just like the one now destroyed, because she was out of the kitchen in a hurry, taking the light of the morning with her.

Or at least, that’s what it seemed like to me.

Then, the next day, she didn’t appear for breakfast at all. I knocked on her bedroom’s door to find her still lying down, completely wrapped up in her covers, a look of pain in her face. “What’s wrong, my sweet?” I asked, immediately running towards her to check for any sort of bruises, but she simply waved me away.

“‘S just cramps, Loki. Don’t worry about it. I got a heating pad over my belly, I should be down in a minute.” I actually found myself pouting, unconvinced and still worried about who I considered to be my only friend, but when she smiled softly at me, nodding to assure me of her safety, I decided to grant her the space she apparently needed.

It did not mean I wasn’t still concerned.

Then the third day came and with it, an unexpected outburst that consisted of her screaming at that new Barnes guy for being so “awful” to me when he was the person who should understand what I’d been through the most.

Overall, I was definitely very confused about seeing her that angry. She wasn’t the kind of person to lose her head like that. But my confusion was easily surpassed by how touched I was by her demonstration of loyalty.

It had also left me incredibly aroused, and once again I had to resort to taking care of myself before going to sleep, but that is something I was trying very hard to ignore, in order not to scare her away.

But then, the fourth day came, and with it, the most puzzling display of foreign emotions I’d ever seen on her so far. It started with her avoiding me for the better part of the day, before jumping three feet in the air when I managed to find her in the kitchen after everyone had gone out for drinks.

“Y-your fingers are cold,” she explained, but I’d always been cold and she’d never once seemed to have any sort of particular reaction to the temperature of my skin before. “Everyone’s gone, I think I’m gonna call it an early night.” 

I wrapped my (cold) fingers around her wrist before she could run away from me. “I was hoping we could take advantage of their absence and watch that movie you’ve been talking about for a while.”

She seemed hesitant, and I tried to ignore how my heart hurt at seeing her avoid my eyes. “Please?” I asked, aware of how I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done so, much less for another person’s companion. “I miss you.”

That last confession came out unintentionally, and I could already see myself backtracking when she raised her beautiful bright eyes to meet mine, smiling softly up at me in a sweet, innocent look that shouldn’t have turned me on as much as it did.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Ok,” I agreed, biting my lip to stop a moan from surfacing at the simple sight of Loki smiling openly at me, because of me. “Let’s do it.” I pulled him to the living room, trying not to shiver from how his fingers felt interlaced with mine, knowing he’d think it was because the cold bothered me. I didn’t want him feeling worse than I’d already made him feel, I was already too guilty for my behavior these last few days.

I put on the movie we’d been commenting about before locating a nice blanket to cover us with, before hesitating at the realisation that I really shouldn’t sit as close to him as I usually did. 

Unfortunately for me, he noticed, raising one of his perfect eyebrows as I tried to play it off as nothing, laughing at myself before taking a seat next to him on the sofa. “Let’s watch it!” I tried to come off as excited - I’d been the one commenting on how much I wanted him to watch Hocus Pocus for days now, but the second the movie started, I knew I was a lost cause. 

Being so close to him, sharing a blanket, being engulfed by his natural perfume of spices and winter, I felt myself growing wet despite my best wishes. Fuck. He was right there. But I knew he’d never see me in any sort of flattering, attractive way, so I had to get a grip over myself, because I didn’t want him to notice that there was something wrong with me.

“Are you ok?” He asked, a few minutes into the movie, as I tried my best to remain absolutely immobile in order not to feel his skin against mine. It was only after he asked that I realized I wasn’t even breathing properly, and I must have looked pathetic, sitting there like a statue, pretending to watch the television.

“Yes, yes,” I breathed out, adjusting myself in hopes to get more comfortable and hopefully calm down his suspicions. “Don’t worry about me. Watch the movie!” The problem now was that the way I was sitting, sitting on both my legs that were now curled underneath me, the throbbing of my clit was just that much more obvious, and I was on the verge of moaning just from the little bit of friction the position offered me.

Fuck, I hate this. 

I tried my best to shift in my seat as inconspicuous as possible, but every movement I made now sent a direct jolt to my desperate pussy. I was on the verge of crying when his voice interrupted my own internal monologue again.

“Okay, enough of this, Y/N. You will tell me what’s going on. Speak. Now.” The authoritative tone of his voice didn’t help my little situation at all, and at last, I found myself whimpering under his penetrating gaze. Immediately, my hands came up to cover my mouth, ashamed beyond belief that I’d done something so mortifying, especially since Loki’s eyebrows were now close to his hairline as he stared back at me with his mouth hanging open.

“Are you… Are you aroused?” I couldn’t really admit it, far too embarrassed to speak, so I just hid my face in my hands as I rested my elbows on my thighs. “Did I… Did I do this to you?”

Loki’s P.O.V.

I watched as she started giggling at my question, uncertain as to where that response would lead me as far as the question I’d asked was concerned. When I didn’t offer any sort of accompanying commentary, opting to let the silence in the room rest, she at last sighed, revealing her gorgeous face to me again.

“Yes,” she admitted, and I felt like my heart had stopped beating for a second. She bit her lower lip again, avoiding my gaze as she stared at the tv I’d turned off minutes ago. “I’m sorry, Loki. I know we’re friends, it’s just… I’m on my period and I get really fucking horny and…”

“You’re on your what?” I interrupted, unfamiliar with the term she was utilizing. She blinked a few times, like she wasn’t expecting me to be concerned about that particular part of her speech.

“My period,” she repeated, scratching the back of her neck. “I’m taking by your question that Asgardian women don’t have it, but us Misgardians do. Well, some of us, and only after we reach a certain age. Basically, we start… bleeding… from our… lower parts. And it’s very messy and emotional because our hormones start acting up and that’s why I’ve been acting crazy these last few days.”

I didn’t know what to say, too concerned with trying to process her words. “You bleed… from your lower parts. Why?” Confusion was all I could understand in the moment, but thankfully, it seemed like she didn’t mind. In fact, by the way her adorable giggle echoed around the room, she seemed very amused by my reaction.

“It’s basically nature's way of punishing us for not getting pregnant.” Well, I wasn’t expecting that. Immediately, perking up, I licked my lips as I dragged my eyes over her body once more, admiring the way her breasts moved with each breath she took.

“And you want my help to deal with that,” I clarified, but when her eyebrows shot up on her forehead, I got confused once again.

“No! I mean… No, of course not. What do you think you could do to help me with this?” She asked, hugging herself, her eyes avoiding mine once more. I huffed, getting tired of this and her sheepishness.

“Well, I could put a baby in you, for one.” By the way her mouth fell open, I could see that the idea shocked her, and I wasn’t sure if it was in a good way. “At the very least, I could help you deal with your arousal levels. Don’t you think that would be a much nicer way to spend the evening, than stealing glances at me while clenching your beautiful thighs?”

She shut her mouth but looked to the other side of the room, pondering my words as I waited for any sign of agreement so I could pounce. I was already licking my lips in expectation when she turned back to me, a supplicant look on her face.

“I-I don’t… I mean, yes, sure, but… Loki, I’m all bloodied!” I chuckled as I pulled her to my lap, enjoying her warmth against me. Carefully pushing away the stray hairs across her face, I made sure she was looking deep in my eyes when I talked to her again.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Well, I’ve always enjoyed the taste of blood.” The shiver that ran through my spine at his words and the feeling of his cold breath over my mouth stopped me from realizing what was going on until he had me in his arms, half-way through our hallway already.

“Loki…” I tried to warn him once more, despite desperately desiring anything he wanted to be doing to me, but he stopped me with a hush, his beautiful green eyes sparkling as he looked down at me in his arms.

“No more thinking, my sweet. Just feeling.”

The first thing I felt was the softness of his covers as he laid me down on his bed with all the care in the world, like I was the most precious thing he had ever held between his arms. “I never thought I’d see you here, like this,” he whispered, his eyes drinking me in, making my breath hitch at the lust I saw there.

The second thing I felt was his heart beating against mine in a quick dance as he laid down over me, both of our shirts dismissed as he kissed me deeply and languidly. “You really want this,” I noticed, finally realizing that Loki had been wishing for the same thing as I had, probably for just as long.

The only answer I got was a bruise on my neck from his icy lips, before he continued to trace a path with his tongue that took him directly to my nipples. “These look so sensitive, my dove.” He wasn’t wrong. I was sensitive all over, especially after the new nickname he’d just assigned me. “Do not worry, I’ll take proper care of them.”

He drew the nipples with the edge of his tongue, his eyes connected with mine the entire time, and I struggled to keep in the gasps and moans that were begging to be released. Almost as if he was reading my mind, he ordered, “Let them out, my sweet. I want to hear all of the delicious sounds you make. I’ve been dreaming about them for too long.”

The symphony of my own sounds of pleasure then broke free, adding to the dizzy feeling in my head as Loki continued to nibble and suck on each inch of skin available to him. The curtain of raven hair temporarily blocked him from me as he moved lower and lower across my body in a snail’s pace, until his lips were dancing on the edge of my jeans. Only then did he raise his beautiful eyes to meet mine again. 

“May I take them off?” I could only nod, but it was enough for him to open that blinding smile of his, while his fingers made quick work of my pants and panties. The smell of blood then reached my nose, albeit timidly, and I groaned, suddenly snapped back to reality. “What’s this?” Loki asked, his fingers playing with the string of my tampon.

“It’s one of the tools women use to contain the blood inside our bodies. I have to change them from time to time, but at least I don’t get permanently dirty during my period.” He didn’t immediately say anything, too preoccupied with analyzing my pussy, while I trembled in expectation under his unwavering gaze.

“Can I pull it out?” Loki asked, his eyes shining with a distinctive sparkle I couldn’t really identify. 

“Why?” I hesitated, unsure if I wanted him to see the mess it’d certainly become, even if I desperately wanted to have him inside of me.

“Because I want to taste you, my dove.” He teased me with tiny little kisses over my navel, a mischievous smile on his lips. “And I desperately want to feel you from the inside.”

I didn’t have anything to say to that, but Loki simply took my silence as an agreement. Soon, his tongue was tracing circles around my clit, until it finally closed in on it, before he softly sucked it inside his mouth. And I was a goner.

Thinking was impossible, and he was right, all I could do was feel. I didn’t even notice he’d already taken off my tampon until I felt his tongue going lower and lower, finding my wet hole and plunging inside of it.

He moaned at the taste of the wetness he found there, and I could only tremble in his arms and move my hips to fuck myself on his tongue. “And you wanted to deprive me of this…” He actually looked disappointed in me as he looked down on my cunt perfectly on display for him. He held my lower lips open with both of his thumbs before diving in once more, slurping and groaning and I felt myself cumming just from the deprivation of it all.

At the new flow of wetness that hit his lips, Loki actually growled against my pussy, stretching his jaw to encompass my whole pussy with his mouth. “I could taste you forever, my sweet…” he whispered when he finally pulled away, pushing two long fingers inside of me and pumping a few times as I whined when he touched my sweet spot, pressing harshly against in before pulling back and admiring the mixture of blood and cum in his fingers. “But I really need to be inside of you now.”

After sucking on his own digits until they were clean, Loki stepped out of the bed to remove his pants, revealing a gorgeously long cock, the head red and weeping as he pumped it a few times while looking down at the mess I was, sprawled out over his cover for his viewing pleasure. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he commented, almost to himself, and I moaned at the simple comment, catching his attention as his eyes flew back to stare directly at me again. “You get aroused when I compliment you.” It wasn’t a question, and I wouldn’t know what to answer if it were. However, to both of our eyes, it was clear that it was nothing but a statement of the truth.

“Come here, my little dove. Let me ease my throbbing hardness in that perfect warm cunt of yours.” Having yanked me to the edge of the bed by one of my ankles, he pushed inside of me swiftly, cautiously watching my face for any signs of discomfort. “How does it feel, my sweet? To have me inside of your body? Because to me, it’s like reaching Valhalla while remaining on Midgard. You’re so perfect. The perfect flower for me. I think I made the right choice in deciding to deposit the future prince in you.”

He didn’t give me any time to process the information he so casually dropped on me, immediately starting to fuck me with long and deep thrusts that made me feel his cock deep inside my belly.

Loki’s P.O.V.

“Oh, look at you, my sweet… so perfect, accepting me deep inside of you. Can you see it? Look, how much of you is already mine, my love.” I carefully reached her nape to pull her so she could view the protuberance in her lower belly every time I pushed in. “This is where our child will grow. I can’t wait to see you round with my seed.”

Y/N started to sob as I quickened the pace with which I speared her, her nails carving its marks on my shoulders and back. “Lo-Loki, what are you talking about?” She screamed over the sounds of our passionate lovemaking, and I grinned, rubbing my nose on her neck.

“About me making sure you won’t have your period again, my love. Wasn’t this what we talked about just before?” Her eyes grew big at my words, but before she could say anything else, I hit her special spot repeatedly, making her head fall back against the pillow as she screamed her release. “There you go, my sweet… my perfect girl. You want my seed? Say you want to be mine, my dove, say you’ll be only mine until the end of time.” 

I closed my eyes as I felt my own high fast approaching, my breathing getting heavier as our movements became even harsher, almost animalistic. “I-I want it, Loki. Make me… Make me yours.”

The sound of her melodic voice asking for my release was what brought me over the edge, and I made sure to continue to pump it further inside of her until I could no longer move, finally allowing myself to drop on top of her warm body.

“Loki…” She called out to me after a few minutes, when I was almost embraced by the sweet hands of slumber.

“Call me my prince,” I immediately interrupted, making myself more comfortable while remaining inside of her.

“My prince…” She tried again, earning an affirmative hum this time. “You know my period only stops while I’m pregnant, right?”

I took some time to think her words through, while I exchanged our positions so she’d be leaning over my chest. “That only means I’ll have to keep you pregnant until eternity, my sweet.”

[longitudinalwaveme]

Worst Flash Storylines and Plot Ideas of All Time

As you’ve probably ascertained from the general contents of this blog, the Flash is my favorite comic book series. I love the characters and most of the stories. However, just like any series that’s been around for eighty years (counting the Jay Garrick stuff), the Flash does, unfortunately, have some truly terrible stories and plot ideas. 

In terms of terrible plot ideas that didn’t completely ruin the surrounding stories: 

1. Barry Allen uses the Mirror Master’s mirrors to manipulate Iris into agreeing to start dating him again (Flash #109). Creepy, Barry. Just creepy. The story is great Silver Age fun otherwise. 

2. Iris West: meanest woman alive. Iris was, by and large, incredibly awful to Barry up until maybe about a year before their 1966 marriage. Almost every time she shows up in an early Silver Age issue, you will admire her daring and independence (this is good) and be bewildered as to why on Earth Barry would want to spend time with a woman who is constantly calling him slow, lazy, and ambition-less (this is not good). It doesn’t really affect any one issue too much, but when read in a conglomerate, she starts looking really awful. Although as bad as Early Silver Age Iris seems as a romantic interest, she’s got nothing on Silver Age Superman and Lois Lane, the most dysfunctional couple in the DCU. 

3. Wally West’s zero-effort code name and costume (Flash #110). It really could not be more obvious how little effort the writers were putting into creating this character. The duplicate origin is also pretty cheesy, but there are enough differences from Barry’s origin for it not to frustrate me. But the name “Kid Flash” and the fact that his first costume was literally identical to Barry’s just feel incredibly lazy. Barry and Wally do have an adorable dynamic in the issue, though, so it’s by no means all bad. 

4. Barry Allen waiting an entire year after his marriage to tell his wife that he’s really the Flash. Frustrating and unnecessary; especially since Joan Garrick had been in on her husband’s secret since the 1940s. 

5. Iris Allen is FROM THE FUTURE. I both love and hate this idea. It’s so perfectly comic-booky, but at the same time, it opened the floodgates for the Allen family being a confusing, time-displaced mess. 

6. The Trial of Barry Allen. This one’s weird. I like many of the individual issues in this arc, and I actually think the last two issues are really great as an ending for Barry Allen’s original run, but this storyline dragged on for waaaaaay too long. There’s a reason I call it the Arc that Never Ends. Also, the titular trial is actually the least interesting part of the entire storyline. His battles with the Rogues and Kadabra are far more interesting. 

7. Wally West’s borderline creepy, chauvinistic attitude towards women under Mike Baron (and, to a much lesser extent, William Messner-Loebs). There’s being a hormonal twenty-something, and then there’s going through girlfriends at the rate other people change their socks. Messner-Loebs mostly avoided this issue by making it clear that Wally was under intense psychological stress that was negatively impacting his behavior, but under Baron and in some of his JLE appearances, he comes across as a real creep around women. 

8. Kadabra overkill under Mark Waid: I like Kadabra, but when he’s the main villain in like four distinct arcs, it gets to be a bit much. It’s like modern Eobard. He is legitimately written well, though, so he doesn’t drag down any of the stories too much. 

9. Pointlessly Dead Rogues: Killing off the Rogues in Underworld Unleashed for no good reason (the rest of the story is great, especially the Trickster). 

10. Pointlessly Dead Rogues 2: Electric Boogaloo: The Golden Glider’s pointless death to build up a character who was himself killed two issues later. (The rest of the story is decent.) Also, the treatment of Lisa in general post-Crisis is frustrating, since she becomes considerably more unhinged than she was before. 

11. Any time Waid tried to write McCulloch, with the exception of Flash vol. 2 #105 (and even there, he seemed off). It’s like he forgot Evan wasn’t Sam. 

12. Apparently, the Top trying to blow up both Central City and half the world makes him a loser? Also, he suddenly hates Piper for no readily apparent reason. (At least the story had some good Piper and Wally bits.) 

13. BARRY ALLEN HAS A SECRET EVIL TWIN! DUN DUN DUN! (The rest of the story, where we get to meet a whole whack of interesting future Flashes, is actually pretty good, but whoo boy, the Malcolm reveal feels like it came straight out of a soap opera.) 

14. In order for Captain Cold to ANGST, the Golden Glider’s pointless death remained in place for over ten years. It did give us a really, really good Capt. Cold story, at least...but it’s still fridging. 

15. Rainbow Raider’s mean-spirited murder by Blacksmith. Poor Roy. 

16. Albert Desmond becomes Hannibal Lecter, only twenty times as rude, for a Gotham Central arc that would’ve been terrific without him as the main villain. 

17. Owen Mercer is an idiotic child murderer and gets killed by the Rogues. Why was this necessary? (The rest of Blackest Night: The Flash is pretty good.) 

18. Josh Jackam-Mardon’s murder. The murder of small children for shock value is pretty gross. Especially since nothing was ever really done with it. 

19. Barry’s PARENTS ARE DEEEEAAAAD! (Okay, it’s really just his mom, but still. This is a very frustrating retcon, since originally his parents were alive and well until after his own death.) 

20. Albert Desmond was Barry’s jerk coworker; which never impacted the plot or led to anything. As a result, it’s just another frustrating retcon. 

21. Sam Scudder murdered someone before becoming the Mirror Master. Yet another Johns retcon that never went anywhere and only serves to darken the Silver and Bronze Age stories after the fact. 

22. Flashpoint (a decent story) wiped out a whole bunch of characters I really liked from existence for several years. Evan McCulloch’s still not back. 

23. Giving the Rogues metahuman powers doesn’t suit them, on the whole. They work better without them. 

24. Roy’s second pointless, brutal death in (I think) Forever Evil. 

25. IT WAS MEEEEE, BARRY! After serving as the main villain for like six arcs in eight years, I’m glad that Eobard finally seems to be getting a rest. The level of bad things he was responsible for was getting ridiculous. 

26. Sam/Lisa. WHY? (The only time it even kind of worked was in Forever Evil.) 

In terms of entire storylines I didn’t like: 

1. The Flash: The Most Terribly Written Man Alive. Poor Bart is aged up with no adequate explanation, loses all the traits that made him a likeable character, fights some awful villains, and then is murdered by the badly OOC Rogues. Meanwhile, Inertia goes from an at least somewhat sympathetic villain to a complete psychopath with little explanation, a murder is retconned into one of Captain Cold’s reformed periods, the Pied Piper and the Trickster completely forget that they’re supposed to be reformed, Abra Kadabra inexplicably teams up with the Rogues despite generally being a solo operative, and all of the Rogues act like total morons, willingly following a teenage speedster for no adequately explained reason. UGH. 

2. Countdown to Infinite Crisis: Even though Piper and Trickster were probably the best part of Countdown, that isn’t saying much. Both of them are uncharacteristically stupid (especially James), and James is a grade-A jerk to Piper for no reason. Also, both of them continue to forget that they reformed, and then James gets brutally murdered and Piper almost loses his mind. Also, the other Rogues cameo, and continue to act like idiots. Countdown: it really does ruin everything it touches. 

Superboy Prime will kill you! He’ll kill you to DEATH! And after you read Countdown, you’ll wish he had killed you to death. 

3. The Identity Crisis Tie-In Retcon: So, you know all that awesome character development the Rogues have had over the years? Well, forget all that, because it was all just Roscoe brainwashing them! Which was something he could definitely do before this story! And why did he do this? Why, because Barry Allen, one of the most upstanding men in the DCU, brainwashed him! Also, apparently, the Top had a huge bodycount that we never heard about back in the Bronze Age, because we need even MORE grimdark retcons for our cheerful Silver/Bronze Age history! I like Geoff Johns’ work, I really do....but BOY HOWDY does he need to lay off on the retcons sometimes. 

4. Identity Crisis: With the exception of Owen’s introduction and the establishment of the relationship between him and Digger, this story was pretty awful all around. More specifically, as far as the Flash was concerned, it was responsible for Digger’s second pointless death. It also killed off poor Jack Drake and poor, mistreated Sue Dibney, who deserved MUCH better. And the Justice League, including Barry, are A-OK with brainwashing, apparently. Comics are fun! 

These last two stories are pretty recent, and they did have some parts I liked, but on the whole I felt they also belonged on the list. 

5. The Trickster finally returns! Hurrah! Except it turns out that he’s way more like the Joker now than he ever was before, and he mind-controls the city in a super-creepy way. A very disappointing return for the character, especially since it was set up really well. 

6. Forever Evil: Captain Cold becomes a murderous dictator with a stupid Santa Beard, all of the Rogues get horrible costumes, and Sam completes his mutation into Evan-in-all-but-name. There are some good characters bits in the story (even for Cold), but on the whole, I found the story to just be unlikeable and depressing and thought Cold was pretty out-of-character. Poor Commander Cold....

So, what are your least favorite Flash storylines and plot ideas? 

[fairyavengerwrites]

period pains ⇝ steve rogers

content warning: period content

pairing: Steve Rogers x reader

word count: 523

author’s note: my period came out of nowhere today, so this was birthed out of the fact i’m missing a boyfriend to do cute things for me whilst i lie in pain. it’s a bit rubbish, but enjoy! <3

your day started off perfectly normal

but you were part-way through your work when the first cramp hit you like a train

so you stayed hunched over your desk as long as you needed before your brain remembered painkillers and hot-water bottles existed

you dragged yourself to the bathroom that hosted the first aid kit first

unsuccessful, you went through the other bathroom in the house

which also seemed to be missing the goddamn pain relief

your search finally took you to the kitchen, and you set the kettle on whilst you looked for the one thing you were desperate for

and for possibly the first time in the house, you were out of painkillers

which is how Steve found you doubled over by the counter, clutching your stomach as the kettle whistled 

now, Steve was still a little old-school when it came to your time of the month

yes, he would buy you the stuff you needed, give you the hugs, but you could tell overall it made him uncomfortable

today, however, seeing you in so much pain really scared him

“Hey, doll, you okay?” Steve asked, approaching your hunched form slowly

“Why don’t we have any fucking painkillers in this fucking house?” You moaned painfully, sniffling

“Oh- well, have you checked-”

“I’ve checked everywhere, Steve, and we still don’t have any fucking painkillers!” You cried, turning your cheek away from him. 

the kettle went off and he filled your hot-water bottle for you in a very awkward minute of silence

“Here,” Steve muttered. “Do you want me to go get you some more painkillers, doll?”

“Well, what do you think, Steve?” You stood abruptly and stormed away to your shared bedroom, hoping a nap would take away the pain

when you woke up from your nap an hour later, still cramping, guilt was washing over you and in an instant, you remembered why

you felt so, so morbid

how could you have been so rude to Steve earlier?

what if you had ruined your relationship? you’d never spoken to him like that before

which was making you feel even worse

and looking at your beside table was just the cherry on the cake; because placed on a plate was your preferred painkillers, a glass of water and your favourite chocolate bar

you did not quite understand what you did to deserve Steve Rogers. 

you took your medicine, and then in your sorrowful state, you decided that you had to apologise to your sweet boyfriend right that second before you lost him

you tentatively approached Steve, who was sat on the sofa with a book

“Baby?” You called to him, biting your lip nervously

“What’s up, doll?” He held his arms out, inviting you onto his lap

“I’m sorry I was a little bitchy to you earlier,” you mumbled, tucking your head onto his shoulder. “I don’t know-I guess it was just my hormones.”

“It’s alright, doll,” Steve soothed, stroking your back. “It looked like you were in a lot of pain. I don’t blame you.”

You clutched onto him tighter, sniffling

“If you need anything else, doll, just let me know.”