#therefore i am completely and paralyzingly distraught in ways i didn’t experience with my grandma or my sister
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#i’m having an incredibly hard time.#and i’m trying not to burden anyone else with it because i’ve already expressed so much of my grief related feelings over the last year#but this loss in particular is so incredibly profound and arguably the most painful bc it was the least complicated or nuanced#therefore i am completely and paralyzingly distraught in ways i didn’t experience with my grandma or my sister#and that’s confusing bc on one hand i wonder if it makes me a bad person and on the other hand i just don’t even care#pet grief is something entirely different#harley was and is the most important and precious thing in my life#his love was unconditional and he gave my days structure and routine#he is still so embedded in me that i have spent every day without him so far still listening for him around the house#i don’t think i’ve ever cried this consistently and so easily every day in my life#i don’t even have to try to cry or force it at all and i wonder how long it’ll take before the automatic nature of it stops#i go to sleep crying and the minute i get out of bed i am crying before i even leave my room bc i know he won’t he outside of it#my heart is so broken i feel like i’m going to suffocate#two nights ago i ran into my mom’s room sobbing before bed bc my night time routine was suddenly shortened#i can’t go to bed without putting him to bed#i didn’t know what to do i just broke down on her bed where i would tuck him in#i don’t know how i’m going to move on from this i genuinely am at my lowest point#i am Not okay. i haven’t been okay in a really long time but this has knocked me down so hard#i don’t see myself ever getting up atp
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