#Idk I'm feeling ranty these days

[spiderbirdo]

Thinking about all the mxtx fics that gave effy names to their ocs/bg characters or straight up named them something that could not exist in Chinese pinyin again...

Just so you know these are the basic pinyin combinations that exist.

That's not even going into dialects which is a whole other thing but as far as I've seen no one has tried to write LWJ speaking in gusu dialect yet which is the irl suzhou dialec

And please be careful what you name your characters, I've seen someone name their characters Blue Book, Blue Radish, Blue Smell, Blue Bag, Scenery

Also be careful with naming them after flowers because they might end up sounding like prostitute names

The thing is WWX's birth name is literally the character for baby so weird literal names can and do exist

Hell my aunt's Chinese name is literally 'rainbow', my yeye's name was 'genius' and my nainai's sworn sister (idk how to describe it they were basically such good friends they basically call each other sisters alongside like two other women and their and my family have reunion dinner once in a while) her name was literally High Cloud 高云

Even in svssss (not counting six balls) LBH's name is literally 'the icy Luo river'

But even then they at least have nice meanings even if they ate very literal, and not like objects (tho ngl 蓝香 lan xiang, is very pretty but the author intended it to be mean spice xiangliao香料 but xiang by itself really just means smells/fragrance)

Just, please please note that Chinese words meanings changes when paired with other words and lose that meaning when it's by itself.

Like 包 bao by itself means bag. 包子 baozi means dumpling. You cannot take out the zi子 away from baozi and keep the meaning of dumpling.

But the thing is, they were all not educated. I feel like educated ppl or people with money to go to a fortune teller get nice poetic names if not then the child gets a very literal name. Though I guess birth names could get away with being more literal. LooKING AT YOU CCSR AND WCZ YOU LITERALLY NAMED YOUR CHILD WEI BABY

[xcziel]

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[marthawrites]

I'm feeling ranty and I'm not even putting this bitch under a read more

Ewan Mitchell is an ACTOR. He's not your friend, boyfriend, celebrity hook up, or even someone you can follow on social media. He's an actor who, assumedly, prefers to live a private life outside of his JOB of acting

Literally everything we know about him from behind the scene stuff from The Last Kingdom and House of the Dragon (I assume more of his projects too but idk) is that he is a lovely person, very kind, and generally a good dude. Like, that's what EVERYONE says

And given all the event content we've seen of him over the last week, all those people who've talked good on his name are correct! He really does seem like a genuinely good dude!

Idk why so many people are (badly) foaming at the mouth about it???

He's an adult who can do whatever he wants. If he wants to wear that, he can. If he wants to go to two different events in the same week he can. If he wants to bombard the media with pretty boy behind the scene sillies, HE CAN

HES AN ACTOR. DOING A JOB. FOR THE BIG STUDIOS HES WORKING FOR. HE PROBS HAS A CONTRACT.

"He's an introvert" "he doesn't like being in the spot light" "he doesn't like interviews" "he just wants to live a quiet life" BLAH BLAH BLAH

You can still be an introvert and have fun at parties. Like wtf. Introverts aren't weird little hermits who live in caves and don't ever have fun

As much fun as I've had seeing Ewan Mitchell content this past week it's also a huge reminder of why I've never dove into fandoms like I have with HotD. People are insane over celebrities. It's gross. It makes me uncomfortable. The way people treat and obsess over celebrities is genuinely ODD and sometimes disturbing behavior

Do I admire and respect Ewan Mitchell? Absolutely. This last week hasn't changed that

BUT at the end of the day this blog is centered around FICTION, reading and writing imaginary stories, and CHARACTERS within their respective universes. I avoid the celebrity bullshit as much as I can. I'm here for the CHARACTERS actors portray

I really enjoy my fandom space here. But wow this last week has really opened my eyes a lot to how people feel about celebrities aside from their acting capabilities

END RANT.

[bluemoonperegrine]

An eventful day!

See below for positive, non-ranty political musings.

For months I've had a long list of political words and phrases filtered. Every now and then I'm tempted to click the "View post" button. I've done so more often now that Biden has dropped out of the race. I feel hopeful that the orange shitbag will lose now. IDK if that hope is warranted, but whatever. I'll vote. Not much more I can do.

Several posts bearing the orange shitbag's name have appeared on my dash and been filtered.

I have no desire to click "View post."

I don't care.

Pendejo's gonna pendejo. Things will get more and more outrageous as the election gets closer.

There's nothing I can do but vote and hope that enough other USAmericans vote for the Dem candidate as well.

This is a healthy kind of apathy, I think. I'm glad for it.

[solarballs-confessions]

I think someone's already mentioned it but I'm gonna mention it again just cause

I hated how a lot of people absolutely hated on Saturn's moons after that one episode where they go through each of their names.

But at the same point I hated how I saw people making Saturn out to be absolutely horrible for not memorizing all the moons' names in one go around.

In my opinion, The moons should've given him a little bit more time for him to memorize their names. Saturn has 146 moons, going through all of them once and expecting perfection is like expecting you to remember all your classmates names on the first day of school, your not going to.

On the other side, I hate how after I saw that episode I saw people sort of babying saturn. He's over billions of years old I promise everyone he is the last type of person (planet?) You need to baby. I hate how they acted like he couldn't memorize at least his 7 largest moons' names in the time they were formed and the time he's been around. Obviously with how he's gained so many moons, it alright to not have everyone memorized at least within the first few (hundred? Idk how fast time is for them in space LOL) years of them memorizing, he's a large planet and it's likely he's gained some moons without even realizing. But at the same point, Saturn would notice eventually.

I think we also forget he had favoritism, but I'll open that can of worms when I feel like it I'm too tired rn LMAO

Overall do i think the moons are horrible? No

Do I think Saturn is horrible? No

Do I think it's stupid how we're choosing to be extreme about how we depict those 2 sides of things? Yes

I shouldn't say I support the moons decision to sort of give up and be frustrated and have people believe that I'm saying I hate Saturn and that the moons are compeletly (how do you spell that word 💔) justified, because truly? They aren't.

Sorry if this is long and ranty, on the bright side I've seen more people level out and consider both sides which I'm glad people are doing! I think thats the beauty of this show. As you look more into the characters you realize they're not as black and white as you may have once thought. It captures you because you can find motives in characters actions. Despite it being a silly planet show, it can still tell you important things. One person I think here on Tumblr said that the episode of Saturn's moons returning was to show that change cannot be rushed. Change will come with time, and for some reason that stuck with me.

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[loafbud]

you do know valentine's day is about love in general, right? not strictly romance. i'm arospec and do not give a shit about romance, but i still try to give stuff to my friends that i love to pieces because i'm not a miserable person

EXACTLY. i knew this already, so that's what im saying! it's about love on a universal scale: familiar, platonic, self love, etc. every time i see it in media growing up, I've only ever seen the romantic aspect of it covered, which is where my dumb angst comes from. and my ego just??? idk,, projects like a motherfucker n thinks it's cute to put on an edgy front about it. LMAO.

and i guess that says a WHOOOLE lot about me, huh? me absolutely radiating this self-deprectative energy of asshole-ery. me who's never prioritized my own self-care. so ouch yea, that's a gashing wound labeled "TO DO: LOVE MYSELF" i need to handle in my own personal life instead of letting it dance and frollic on stage. it's like cmon loaf, you've done this show already, just close the fucking curtain already. im talking to myself at this point

i kinda felt this kind of ask coming: an ask that's simply calling it like it is- no hard feelings tho 👍 honestly all of this angst is just past shit/beliefs im holding onto with a fucking super glue gorilla grip. i'll admit that im a fucking miserable, pessimistic dickhead, and it's totally valid that my pessimism or depressive posts comes off annoying as hell. realistically, i can't change overnight, but omfg i cant keep pulling the goddamn "teehee im just a cringefail loser its my ✨personality✨" card as my excuse, im starting to wear myself out LMFAO.

UHHH WOW- sorry for getting ranty or if this context was read like i just let out a bunch of steam lol— well, i did just let out steam but it was all directed to myself, none of it was directed to u anon so you're good

so yeah- i'll go touch grass whenever i can. im waiting til tomorrow tho, it's fucking dark outside rn haha

[polishmenace]

hi. afterthought - I'm sorry this is so long

that caution on your ed post? Take the same disclaimer here. Please only read this if you are able to handle it safely.

I can't promise I won't overshare, I'm tired as fuck and I have never talked to people about this. Idk if this will help

Obviously I don't know how you got your ed. I doubt we have all the same reasons, but this isn't for that. but as someone living with a mother who's bipolar and schizophrenia from both sides, that isnt easy to live with. Seeing your family purge isn't something to forget easily. Seeing how psychological conditions wear people down isn't easy, so to end up with one too? The feeling is indescribable.

So, from a guy one skipped meal & a fall down his concrete stairs away from his death, I wanted to share your pain. there wasn't a word in your post that I didn't feel without every fiber of my being. And it fucking hurts. I'm so so sorry you feel this too.

Recovery is never going to look a certain way, and relapsing into the mindset does not mean you're not getting better. It isn't so linear, Michaeł, please don't compare your journey to anyone else's. Don't compare it to how you think it should go, because the only wrong answer here is giving up.

You can feel sick of it all, and pissed, and maybe at times like you don't care anymore, and everything that suffering makes you feel - but please don't give up on yourself.

I wish I could give you more. I wish I could tell advise how to convince yourself to eat, but I haven't managed in days. I don't think I know how either. Hell I smoke to get hungry and even that has stopped working.

Please keep reaching out. Talk to people, just anyone, if you haven't yet, you'll find someone who listens. Hell, I'd listen in a heartbeat. You deserve to be heard, Michaeł. You deserve to be seen, your progress and your regress. You are so much more than your pain, even when it gets into that all consuming feeling. I hope you've known that for a long time.

I believe so much in you Michaeł. I love you so incredibly even though you're an odd little polish man in my phone. And you deserve that from what I've seen.

I'm sorry if this is ranty, I wanted to send it when I saw the post yesterday but my phone was dead without charger :( I don't want to fuck up your morning. I truly hope you have a good one, Michaeł, and I believe in you. Not that you'll never relapse, but that you'll keep healing. I believe in your progress Michaeł, no matter how it looks. I hope you can do the same.

You don't need to reply to this ask. It might be a mess so maybe it's better if you don't

You're not alone Michaeł.

Awww I’m cryinggggg (relief tears) You are so sweet. I am so conflicted still but you don’t know how much reassurance helps. Thank you so much <3

and also, I am completely willing co commiserate with you if you’d like to talk

[niuniente]

How do you survive fandom for so long? I used to heavily be in fandoms, making fanart, fanfics, participating in zines, celebrating characters bdays, etc. But now I struggle to stay in a fandom. Maybe I'm just seeing to many bad sides of fandom these days. Like I recently got into SpyxFamily but when looking through fanart, discovered 18+ fanart involving the child Anya, while I know this is the internet and I can't escape seeing things that make me uncomfortable, I just haven't had the urge to try to join the fandom after it. I'm sure there's a wonderful side to it, but I just don't have the energy for it anymore. Idk I always feel like I have to keep up with the fandoms artists, writers and everything or else I'm not a part of it. Sorry if this sounded ranty, I've just been following for years and envy your ability to hop right back into a fandom you haven't touched in a while or into ones that are new.

Big fandoms are always difficult to be in. The more people, the more problems there are, and you'll encounter things you wish not to see. You have to then weight things; can I handle encountering something I don't want to see and immediately block the thing and the person posting these things I don't wish to see (and report it, if needed) or will they throw me out of the loop so much that it is better not to wander into there? You need to curate your own internet experience (as we all need to) but it is challenging when things aren't tagged. Then, you have to weight the pros and cons and decide what to do.

I'm not part of any big fandoms and I grew up in the so-called dark ages of the internet, when nothing was tagged, warned etc. so when you go to see or read things, it can be anything. Then you just go "Nope" and click away. Fandoms were smaller back then as internet wasn't a common thing in your pocket available 24/7 so chances of running into something you do not want to encounter all of the sudden have grown since those days.

How I handle ALL fandom things is that I mainly mind my own business and don't wander too far. A good rule of thumb is to find a small group of nice people (or just a few of them) and hang around with them. Follow just certain artists. Follow just certain fanfic authors. Hang only in certain Discords. Mute and block posts and people freely - you don't have to justify this to anyone. Black list in Tumblr words you don't wish to see (New Xkit is excellent for computers, mobile should have its own blocking system but I don't use phone to scroll anything unless necessary).

You can't control a fandom or other fans (not even the twisted ones) but you can try your best to control yourself - and if it means not wandering into certain fandoms & tags or not wanting to take a risk of seeing something you don't want to see (as it will be pretty inevitable in big fandoms no matter what safety measurements you take), then it is the best not to go there. As sad as it might be.

Also, the second worry; if you like a thing, congratulations, you are part of the fandom :3 It really is as simply as that. Fandoms aren't some social activity you have to perform to earn your fan badge. You like the things = you are a fan.

[jazzyjj]

I'm sorry, these are just my random 11 pm thoughts but watching Cody do his promos, I've always thought the promos superstars do where they are completely alone, no one to bounce off of(no faction and no tag team partner), and no one ends up coming out and they're either talking about whatever feud they're in or just idk talking to the crowd were kinda strange. Like sir/ma'am who are you talking to, bring somebody out pls.

And I've noticed it the most on Cody's last promos cause like for sure we're in the transition period to the draft so they probably don't wanna start a feud when everybody's place hasn't been decided yet. But dude, man's is just speaking random shit into the cosmos. Who are you talking to? Paired with the outfit which I will address in a minute, it feels like a president is addressing the nation.

Like Dwayne, where tf are you dude? Don't come out to start shit and then disappear into the night and leave Cody to meander and just give "hi, how are ya, have you met my friend Jey" promos. Y'all are fucking this man before he's even able to get on his feet. Now goofy fans are saying he's boring, and yeah the promos are a little meh cause there's not much content to them for him to talk about so he's essentially keeping up appearances. But honestly if they had told us the champ was resting and had him come back the week of the draft, started the rock stuff, drafted them both to the same brand that week, and kept it movin, we would have been gucci. Yeah some fans would be dicks and be like where tf is he, he's supposed to be here blah blah blah. But Idk to me it feels better then giving promos about mostly nothing of importance because they can't start the things of importance yet.

Anywhore, onto the suits.

Cody constantly dressing like he's running to be a Senator cracks me up. I just scrolled through several tiktoks of him y'know being casual backstage, an interview, his reality show and in every, single, one, he's in the suit. Like a lot of the time I'm like "He got that shit on tho😗" other days...

Put 👏 Something👏Else👏On👏Neeooowww

Anyfuck, that is the end of my late night ranty rant.

[onyxisnotuniqueenough]

long rant (+question) about jonathan from stranger things

disclaimer : NO ZIONISM OR ZIONIST-APOLOGIZING HERE. this show has been in my life since it came out and carried me through middle school and high school. i still love it to this day, especially s1 and s2 (i don't have that same attachment to s3 and s4 idk why. i didn't love them, didn't cry, nothing). i have been watching reactions to s1 lately and i love seeing people speculate about the demogorgon and the plot (you know by now how much i love watching reactions to my favorite shows). I was reminded of a few feelings i've had for a while now. i DON'T encourage you to watch it on netflix- no money for schnappers- and tbh i've never watched it on netflix because i never really had a subscription. despite everything, it's full of nostalgia for me and holds a special place in my heart, and you have to admit it is an amazing show (s1 and s2 only. s3 and s4 are fan-service and the scope is too big and the characters lost a lot of their charm)

ok! disclaimer over!

i have a genuine question

i know that jonathan taking pictures of that gathering at steve's back in season 1 was a plot device to get evidence for the demogorgon, and so that nancy sees it, but other than that : what the hell is his justification?

he didn't go into the woods with the INTENTION to stalk on steve, nancy, barb, etc. he went there to.......take pictures of the ground? looking for some kind of hint or footprints??

like what???

the pictures displayed on screen aren't pictures of anything. you'd think he'd go with a flashlight or something to FIND SOMETHING and have his camera ready IF he did -- but he just went there with his camera and started clicking away. to me that doesn't make sense.

also, after he heard the scream and realized it was just carol, why did he take pictures? in that short time he can't have thought "i am capturing the essence of being a teenager having fun cause that's like artistic" or something. he can't have thought "i am keeping these cause i'm so unpopular and i wish i was there and i'm gonna take dozen of pictures of these people that don't like me just so i can fantasize about being a normal teenager"

dude you were in the woods at night alone, taking some kind of risk to be honest, searching for your missing kid brother. that can't be on your mind. it would've made so much more sense if he dismissed it after he realized what the scream was, and maybe came back after he heard a strange noise coming from the pool area, when barb was sitting on the thing.

and he's TAKING PICTURES because it's unusual

and barb and the group HAPPEN to be on the pictures-- so it still seems strange to nicole (?), and she still snitches to steve inc.

steve still breaks the camera, nancy picks up the ripped photos, etc etc.

that way! jonathan is not just a creep!

what do you think? do you know what the duffers were doing?

long ranty sidenote : i think jonathan is very underrated in s1, and the writers dismiss him completely in later seasons - until they just completely write him off to focus on his goofy comic relief friend.

charlie heaton is a great actor and i think about the funeral-related fight he had with joyce a lot.

jonathan has a cool passion (photography) that is USEFUL to monster/paranormal/scary plot. so he is a great plot device in that regard. he also acts as a mentor and a great big brother figure for will, who needs an understanding and caring male figure in his life to fill his father's void. so he's also very plot-relevant in that way when will is the center of the story.

but otherwise - there's a few things i want to say about his character that i feel are important and often underappreciated details about him

he's a relatable loser who's bullied at school. maybe that's not interesting on it's own, but he is unique in the set of characters because unlike mike, lucas, dustin and will, who are bullied losers that DO have each other, he is a true loner. and that aspect of him is not handled in a "boohoo pick me" way.

his dad fucking sucks ("you're getting stronger", he struggles with his tie at the funeral, he looked in THE TRUNK OF HIS DAD'S CAR FOR WILL! i don't see enough people pointing that out. the fact that it's a possibility blows my mind)

he's forced to take on the "man of the house" role for his family, forcing him to take night shifts, drive his brother around, take care of his brother's funeral alone, take care of his mother, etc. it's a heavy responsibility and it drives him further away from "normal teenagehood" cause he doesn't have much time to think about himself, and he doesn't have anyone to reassure him, to take care of him like he takes care of his mom or brother. no nancy doesn't. count. argyle doesn't count either they had nothing in common and he was just there for comic relief

he is dealing with a 22 year old charlie heaton's receding hairline! i feel bad for him! and then the writers decided to cover it up with A BOWLCUT for s3 and s4 i was so so :( like cover it up with anything else. get a toupet and stick with the season 2 hair.

i wish the duffer brothers didn't throw a blunt at him in season 4 and run with that. they could've talked about hsi relationship to drugs in a different, more meaningful way.

also sidenote if i was attracted to charlie heaton i would 100% be attracted to jonathan. except for that hairline. maybe we could get him a trip to turkey or something and then i could read fanfics about him.

[insomniamamma]

a moment of appreciation for u off anon. i sent an ask on anon for your ask game yesterday but i'm here just to say i think you are so cool. I love your writing, and I love learning from you - in posts you reblog, or in posts about life, things you type in the tags. I'm inspired by you and the fact that you have these amazing passions, hobbies, and creative talents, and you're a working adult and parent as well. It makes me really emotional to see women of many ages interacting in fandom spaces -- especially when socially, women are so often encouraged to leave their interests behind as time goes on. you're so fucking cool and badass and lovely and intelligent and kind. i hope you have a great day.

and I hope your uncle is alright - I have some antivax friends and while I think they're idiots for not getting vaccinated, I Iove them and don't wish any ill on them - sending healing vibes your way.

oh my goodness. i am feeling so many things right now. I'm not sure how coherent this answer is going to be.

I've spent a lot of time lurking in fandom spaces before there were fandom spaces, I used to read Farscape fanfic when all we had was geocitities. I've fallen down various fandom black holes over the years but always as a lurker, I wrote fic but always for myself. I didn't work up the nerve to interact with fandom until what? Three years ago? IDK, the whole pandemic thing has played hell on my sense of time.

what I'm saying is, I didn't get up the nerve to write fanfic and share it with the world until I was over 40.

The way fandom treats middle aged women is fucking disgusting and hypocritical. 20 years olds can say the nastiest shit imaginable about (insert middle aged celebrity here), but when an older woman *checks notes* expresses any sort of sexual interest in (insert middle aged celebrity here) oooooh. ewwww. creeper.

And its like, ok, I was not the one on tik-tok saying (insert middle aged celebrity here)'s cum would make good lipgloss. You all want to be his problematically young girlfriend.

And don't get me going about the whole subset of people who think that anyone over 25 in fandom spaces is automatically some sort of creepy groomer. How dare women over 30 write about sexual desire. HOW DARE.

Sorry this turned super ranty. It's good to know that there are people out there who welcome my presence.

You don't cease to exist once you turn 30 or 40 of 50. Once you become a parent you don't cease to be you. I wish people understood this and stopped punishing women for having interests other than fucking child-rearing.

This ask makes me feel so much hope.

thank you for the well-wishes for my uncle. I will never forgive Trump for politicizing a goddamn plague.

[bbyquokka]

My dear bestie, I saw your ranty rant.

And I just wanna say, I know it's frustrating & annoying but do not let it discourage you to stop writing, I'm excited on what you have for the future and you know damn well imma fully support you. They're just a hater trying to discourage you. And get to you. You're an amazing writer and I love watching you grow each day. Every single one of your works are amazing, even if it's not my thing it's still really well written!

That being said. I adore you so much and I adore your writing so much as I said. So keep at it and keep doing the things! You're a great writer 💖 ilysm twin, the jisung to my felix & together were literally real life Jilix 💖

bestie 🥺 i literally stopped crying, read this and now i'm crying again 😭 ‹3

idk what to say apart from thank you ;-; i appreciate the message and also the love and support you always give me, i cannot put into words how much i appreciate and love you ‹3 even when i write something that's not to your taste, you still show me support ;-; ajjsjwkw ‹3

i guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed and maybe a lil bit discouraged rn, just one thing after another and i let it get to me, however, after today i know I'll be okay again and will come back fighting (because i'm petty like that, lmao)

again, thank you bestie for your words, they helped cheer me up. i appreciate & love you sm ‹3 😭

[phantomknights]

2, 3, and 4 for the ask game 👀

2. Do you still play the game today? Are you any good? Do you use your original deck?

this one is funny because i actually started playing with my original deck BEFORE kinfirming. if my sister hadn't gotten me that box set i might not have ever realized at all lol. anyway

yes. yes i do

i think i'm pretty good but definitely not like. champion level good. i'm a little rusty but that's just what happens when you don't have to duel for your life every day

gonna answer 3 last because i could go on for literally so long

4. What’s something mundane that you recall that’s funny to you now?

ive got a few for this one

i know ive posted about kite before but i don't know what exactly ive shared SO here's all my silly kite facts. the blue part of his hair is dyed he made shun help him dye it. he snuck a minifridge into his dorm so he could keep a stash of dr pepper. one time he set loose a drone in the cafeteria and broke a light and got detention for a week. he had cat stickers on his laptop. i can't believe this man was a number hunter in zexal

also shun was camera shy and his parents LOVED showing off baby photos. deadly combination

3. Is there anything particular you remember that wasn’t shown in your source that you feel is important?

okay im going to talk about war for a little bit so this one's going under a cut. it got a little more ranty than i expected oops. all of you have been warned

ok so. first of all. people fucking died they never Talk About This but not everyone was carded people Died. even after all the carded people were brought back the population was like. half of what we started with. and it pisses me off so much when people are like "oh if x character was there they'd have won" FUCK YOU because they WERE there and it still sucked.

speaking of people who were there who aren't in canon. i put this on my kin carrd but i don't think most ppl know i have that so here

rio was there shark was there (he was annoying) hart was there iii was there iv was there. v was PROBABLY there but i never like met him or heard anything about him so idk. anna was there she taped a nerf gun to a litterbot.

also clover and spade were the same school idk why they talk about it like theyre different schools its all one school. its a boarding school also

[qandgay]

I'm sorry if this ends up being kind of like a long ranty thing- I'm not really sure where else to ask these kinds of questions, and this seems like the right place? idk. also cw for alcohol

im a guy (i thought?) and i've been dealing with a whole sexuality crisis recently as I tried to figure out what the hell mine is and just. Not being able to figure it out. and it took a while but i think I figured it out that i'm aroacespec and like guys. and i'm currently sort-of-dating one of my friends who helped me figure it out (we're not sure what label we wanna put on it yet)

but then one day we were hanging out and we were drunk and i kind of zoned out and had a weird moment where i imagined myself as a girl- i even came up with a different name and everything- and i didnt think much about it until the next morning and i was sober

and it just kind of feels like everything i've figured out so far has suddenly been broken. like i thought i was straight for so long and then literally had panic attacks over maybe liking guys and then finally accepted that i liked guys and that i'm queer. and it felt right and it felt comfortable. and then suddenly i might be a girl and i'm straight again and it feels wrong like i dont feel like being straight is right for me. my attraction to my partner isn't straight, labeling it as straight feels wrong, and even saying that it's bi or something like that doesnt feel right either. our relationship being anything but two guys feels wrong but now suddenly i dont know if i am a guy

and i've looked at nonbinary labels and multigender labels and things like turigirl and a whole lot of things but nothing is clicking and nothing is feeling right and i dont really know what to do. ive tried talking to some of my queer friends but nothing they've suggested has helped (not their fault, they really did their best but i'm just really confused on everything) so far i've just been calling myself unlabeled on pretty much all fronts but it feels wrong not to have words to describe everything that's going on with me. it kind of feels lonely not having a word to say 'this is what i am and there's other people like me'

and honestly i dont even know if i am a girl i just can't stop thinking about the way i imagined my hair being done and the name i picked out which i have only just now realized is literally just a feminine version of my partner's name that's odd but also i dont know if i still see my current appearance as me and my current name as me i don't know which one is more correct

im sorry if this is a lot or confusing or whatever my mind is a mess right now. i'm just really confused on.. basically everything

alright so first off, i want you to just take a few deep breaths- it's ok if you were wrong!

second. you never have to be straight. even if you're unsure about your attraction to others, you don't have to use the label! i personally use queer to describe my sexuality. that's my label

third: there is never a more 'correct' version of yourself than what you're comfortable with. throw away labels, throw away expectations: what would you be most comfortable with? it's ok if you don't have an answer right away, but think on it.

and finally, you don't even have to use labels if you don't want. you'll end up being whatever you'll end up being! if you get things wrong that's fine- use this as an opportunity to experiment with your identity. even if it's only with a few trusted people.

-- mod hollow

[rosepetalkitty]

cw for emotional ranty junk, i know that's not what a lot of y'all are here for and that's totes fine btw. this does get pretty heavy so. yeah. you've been warned.

y'know.

i used to be (and in some ways still am) one of those girls.

but like i started this blog with the intention of breaking out of that.

"y'know what. what if i just pretend to be a tumblr bimbo and have a kink blog. might be fun."

and the thing is, it's been like what, a couple weeks since i started this blog?

i've been on this site on my main blog for a few years now and somehow. within a couple weeks. this blog is like, so much more genuine.

not that my main isn't. it's silly, i riff off of my friends, i post stupid jokes... it's social media.

but this is like, weirdly freeing.

being able to post back to back "omg im such a hypno slut", "hey do y'all wanna hear about my latest hyperfixation", and then "hm. maybe trauma really does heal, to some degree" and not feel... idk. like i'm breaking character. is so cool.

if anything, this blog is the one that was meant to be a character.

the main blog is vaguely themed and dips into that theme once in a blue moon for a bit.

the whole point of this blog was to post about kink junk.

and yet my genuine "me" posts over there are a character. the character i play all the time.

and my genuine posts here are like, me. through a filter, sure. mostly a "subs don't use caps" filter, i'll admit. loads of extra punctuation too to really get the timing of my "speech" right. sometimes i wonder if anyone else notices that. i spend a lot of extra time writing these posts because im making sure not to use caps, to forget apostrophes sometimes, to break sentences in half with periods, to color the text and make it small where it feels appropriate, to use extra likes and uhms...

and yet it's still more genuine than the "me" that filters out the parts of me that people don't like to see.

because in "real life", and on my main blog, i barely know anything about kink.

i don't interact with it in any meaningful capacity. im only now starting to learn about it because im feeling more comfortable engaging with it while also being confident in my identity as aroace.

i recoil at kissing scenes in movies. im concerned if not outright confused when people make sex jokes. i jokingly reference kink on rare occasions and my friends laugh about how they've corrupted me. i usually laugh with them.

and none of that is real. none of it. ive kept up that image for years because i didn't want to present the alternative.

reality is gross. i was first exposed to hypno kink content in middle school. i was 12. i didn't know anything about safety. and yet, by the time i was assigned to my first sex ed course a few years later, i had already taught myself more from the internet than my teacher would dare discuss. by the time it was an "appropriate topic" for us to learn about, i was already comfortable with it. the internet is a magical place /s,lh

i was so interested in hypnosis, specifically, that it kicked off a hyperfixation on neuroscience and psychology. i taught myself a ton during middle school. i took ap psych as a sophomore in high school, and by that point had self studied tons of psych content on my own time, especially relating to hypnosis, identity and consciousness. it was one of the larger sections in my mental library of information and remains so to this day.

and at the same time, my friends were starting to make sex jokes, and explore sexuality, kink, et al. i never registered the jokes. not outwardly. people would say things and i would act confused even though i really did understand what they meant.

why they meant it was another problem — it took a long time for me to understand that most people do actually enjoy sex as a topic and as an activity, and that it wasn't just something people put up with. autism and asexuality were certainly not helping me learn about sexual relationships. but the meaning of the jokes wasn't the part that was lost on me.

i started dating during the height of the covid lockdown, as a high school freshman. my first girlfriend didn't know shit about hypnosis, but thought it was neat when i mentioned it in passing. i taught her a lot about it, and she got really into it. when we started dating another girl i taught her, too. they both loved it. it was a massive section of our relationships. that wasn't healthy, but it was far from the worst thing going on at that time. suffice it to say, none of us should have been dating anyone, let alone each other.

if anything i felt like i was contradicting myself. "i don't get sex jokes but i also know all this detailed stuff about what, to other people, registers as a sex thing. how does that work?"

those relationships were trainwrecks. don't get me wrong, they weren't all bad, and i learned a lot about how to handle relationships in general (or rather, how i couldn't), but there were a lot of problems from the start that took a while to come to light. im still tangentially friends with my second girlfriend, and we send each other reels every now and then. we don't talk a lot, but that's for the best.

before i broke up with my second girlfriend (the first one had abused both of our trust severely and we had broken up with her), i met my boyfriend. we bonded really quickly over having similar mental health struggles (needless to say, thats an awful way to start a relationship, don't do that) and within a month and a half or so we were qps, at least. i was a sophomore, he was a freshman, but we were only a few months apart. not that that's particularly consequential.

my girlfriend didn't have an issue with me dating him, so that's how things ended up. i dated him for nearly three years, and for a lot of that time i genuinely did love him in a way that i really don't want to love anyone again. he was gone for 18 months of it (not going to explain beyond the fact that we were not able to contact each other and didn't know how long it would last. it came out of left field for me. more than that is not my story to tell). during those months my mental health collapsed and suffice it to say it's a miracle i made it out the other end. they say it takes pressure to form a diamond, but sometimes pressure just breaks you.

i broke up with my girlfriend a few months before my boyfriend came back. we agreed that long distance wasn't healthy for either of us, and ended things on a relatively positive note, if somewhat bittersweet and emotionally raw.

my relationship with my boyfriend had always been unhealthy but it took a lot for me to really process that. he broke up with me a couple days before i moved in to college, and at the time i was devastated.

then he started getting angry out of nowhere, accusing me of shit i hadn't done, telling me he "wasn't okay" and that it was my fault, that i had "done a lot of things" to hurt him, and that he wasn't ready to explain to me what was going on. i still don't really know what was happening.

after a couple weeks of that he stopped reaching out, and i assumed that would be the end of everything we had. it stung, but when it really came down to it i was fine with that. eventually, after two months of radio silence, he did reach out, and if appearances are to be believed he's mostly chilled out now. not my problem. if he wants to talk he can message me. i don't need to put myself through that again.

since then a lot has happened. i haven't been single in over four years. it's freeing. i've realized that committed, structured relationships aren't a thing i enjoy. ive labelled myself as aroace because it makes more sense than "im pan but i don't like sex and i don't like dating" /lh. really, if there were a way to sum up "im super duper into kink but sex as a concept makes me feel gross, and i like when people are into me but don't want to have a relationship other than "someone who i talk about and maybe engage in kink stuff with"", that would be great. but "kinky aroace" is good enough.

on the one hand i know this seems like im dumping my entire life story, and on the other, it seems out of scope for this blog. the thing is, this really isn't my life story. it's my life as it relates to relationships, sexuality, kink, and i guess to a limited degree, trust. hell, ive intentionally left out everything about my family — that could make a whole other post if i had any intention of discussing it. the reason im saying all of this is really just because i can.

on my main blog, i don't know shit about kink. ive only recently started running into it through some posts my mutuals reblogged. i can't say this there.

in "real life" my only exposure to it has been through sex jokes my friends have made, and the conversations they have in the nsfw channel of our discord server. i can't say this there.

the handful of people, maybe a total of five or so, who know me (my identity) and me (as i relate to kink) — and yes the circle is that small — aren't in my life in that way anymore.

i don't interact with my first ex-girlfriend.

i barely talk to my second.

my ex-boyfriend and i are on thin ice.

the guy who helped me explore kink in the context of a non-romantic relationship turned out to be an absolute dick for unrelated reasons. we don't know each other anymore.

the friend from high school who confided in me that she was curious about hypnosis as a kink thing, and that she knew i knew a lot about psych, who i told that i had the same curiosity, doesn't remember that i said that. we never spoke about it after that six sentence conversation.

nobody else has ever known both my name and that i am familiar with kink in the slightest. that's probably going to stay that way for a long time. maybe forever. maybe that will change if i meet people irl who are also kinky. that's a big if.

this blog is a space where i can talk about this as myself. you will almost certainly never know me (my identity). you don't know my name, what i look like, how my voice sounds, how i emote... you'll never meet my family, or hang out with me in person, or remember something i said to you while we were at the mall together, or get to befriend my cat...

and yet you know more of me than anyone who knows me. you know, if you've read this, that i've been faking my innocence all my life, be it out of fear of judgement, out of not understanding what was too much, or out of outright shame. you know that i am into hypnosis and all the other ridiculous kinky things that i post about here. and at the same time you know that im aroace, you know that im a programmer, you know that i like sci-fi, you know that i am transfem. these are parts of me that very rarely collide.

my relationship with kink and sexuality has always been quarantined, contained, secreted away into anonymous confession boards and omegle chats. i have always given a wide breadth to discussions of sex and kink outside of that veil of anonymity. "wait what? i don't get it" "oh right she's innocent lmfao, someone explain it to her, try not to scare her"

maybe my friends see through it, and simply choose to play along. maybe they always have. i will never know, because to ask would destroy the illusion regardless of whether it is working.

and yet here, where i am not anonymous, however much i tell myself that i am.

where there is a name to pin to every post i make, even if it isn't the one i sign on my code, or my essays, or anything else in the world.

where there is an aspect of me that i cannot dissociate from myself

here i am able to be me, in every way but my identity.

And I think it's so interesting, maybe tragic, maybe hilarious, maybe something else, but certainly interesting, that of all the people who will know me, the people who read the rants I post on my kink blog on Tumblr are the ones who know the most genuine version of me. You don't know my identity, and yet you know everything about me that matters.

This blog is a persona.

A character I play.

And yet, that pales in comparison to the costume of innocence I have claimed for so long to be my skin, does it not?

So in a way,

This character, who I portray in this space,

Is more of myself than I will ever be.

i keep meeting transfems whose personalities are like, gaping wounds. girls who've been stomped on over and over until they start thinking they're uniquely evil and they deserve it. people shouldn't be allowed to treat us like this.

[bisluthq]

I think it ultimately comes down to a common sense thing. I'm about to be 17, so while I've been a fan (with the exception of Lover era and also most of the in between period of Red TV & Midnights) since Red, I obviously haven't been invested in the like stan culture side of things for the entire time I've been a fan because I was a very small child. I became a HARDCORE swiftie when evermore came out, and while I knew of Joe, I really did not care much about him. He was just there, and then he wasn't, and then she was dating Matty, and now she's dating Travis, just as she has dated many other people. People do that. It's not a wild concept.

I agree with your assessment of older people trying to marry her off. Very young fans (like younger than me, which baffles me. Me being born a year after debut came out is insane enough, but some of these people were born when Speak Now/Red came out and i just... Don’t think fandom spaces are a good place for people THAT young, or anyone really, as someone who was also in those space at like 13/14) scare me a little. Like it scares me that they are functional. It also scares me that are a lot of them are just SO, so so gullible. It's not there fault but it is very frustrating to encounter. It's the way of life. I know that. I was really fucking annoying when I was 13. Everyone was. I just don't think places like TikTok are the best place for them, nor were they for me.

This got very ranty - apologies. Dealing with dumb teenage stuff and feeling antsy.

I’ve been in fandom spaces since I was 11 (like going on websites and forums to look up stuff I’m interested in and I was also super into Yahoo! Answers) but the thing is when I was 11 the internet, while still a very strange place, was limited for me by virtue of dialup. I had to ask to “use the computer” and I had to ask again to “use the internet” because I was allowed more time on the computer than on the internet because the internet cut us off from the landline which was a big problem and also it was fuck expensive. We’d had it before I was 11 but I was really supervised before then and ONLY used it for school projects like to download a picture to stick on my project or something and my mom or dad or stepdad would do it with me also to make sure I didn’t download anything too big because again dialup so you paid for usage right and they didn’t want me downloading 50 million dolphin pics as 9 year old me would probably have done. At 11 I was allowed to “use the internet” but for like an hour a day tops if they were feeling very generous.

Then, when I was 13, we installed ADSL and I got *my* first computer that year. And since then I’ve pretty much been CHRONICALLY online - with some breaks for when I’ve been busy with like real world things but the breaks have lasted a year tops (and I mean that’s me being inactive in fandom not me not looking up articles and reading/watching things which I’ve done on the “breaks” too) like it really has been me being chronically online since I was 13 and if I’m dead honest, I’m not sure it was good for me. I think I was exposed to a lot of things I was too young for (but didn’t realize I was), I think I developed a more fighty personality, I think I wasted a lot of time that I could’ve spent doing something more productive (like obviously I did study and I did some extra murals and I had friends and I did and do exercise but if I’d spent my teens and early twenties idk doing my visual art - which I enjoy but am bad at - instead of arguing with people about Harry Potter and Doctor Who and shit like that, I think I’d be a better person for it).

I also believe that the internet’s changed a fair bit and not in a good way for kids - fandoms are now predominantly run through personal accounts, rather than on specialized forums, and platforms like TikTok and Insta are legit not super safe imho for kids to be active on because… kids are reaaally fucking stupid simply because they are kids and in my day being a BNF in fandom sorta just was cool for u but these days you could monetize it and idk about even kids your age thinking about socials as a career because they’re chronically online. Nothing wrong with doing Internet as your job but I don’t think it’s a decision kids should be making that early.

and yes, kids are gullible and lack life experience and often lack empathy (this is something that develops as you get older from a dev psych perspective - kids can’t really conceptualize it properly and they’re not supposed to be able to developmentally because they need to develop a sense of self first).

ultimately though, I’m not these kids’ parents or auntie or big sister (and neither are you) so we can say like “this doesn’t seem crazy good for them” but beyond that eh. They’re gonna say stupid stuff because they really shouldn’t be THAT online in the first place lol. Nothing wrong with enjoying whatever it is you are enjoying at 13 but being active in fandom spaces isn’t the best for you imho and if it were my kid, I’d limit screen time and actually tbh if it were my kid I’d like make an effort to be involved in the fandom too to a degree to see what’s going on and that my kid isn’t following complete psychos. Like if my kid was super into idk something I know fuck all about and don’t participate in the fandom of, I’d make it my mission to find out what’s going on there. I think a lot of millennial parents are doing that, I wouldn’t be special. But a lot of Gen X parents, while also very into internet, don’t seem to fully grasp what’s going on here. And Boomers are REALLY confused by internet so the contingent of Boomers with kids in their teens (and there are some) are really gonna do the 2024 version of what parents did in the 70s/80s of like “okay go out and be freeeeee” and idk that they should be doing that lol.

Anyway, this was also a rant, but I think it’s on parents.