#IVE BEEN TRAUMATIZED ENOUGH BY THEM
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he's showed up on my youtube feed again-
oh god
the skeleton
he's haunting me
i cant fucking escape. even after all these years
#digital art#ms paint#undertale#sans#GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU FUCKING FUCK#I ALREADY LEFT THE FANDOM I DONT NEED TO BE DRAGGED BACK IN#IVE BEEN TRAUMATIZED ENOUGH BY THEM#I DONT NEED MORE#GET AWAY FROM ME
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yeah yeah trick weekes says whatever about it not making sense that solas couldnt sneak off THEY FAILED TO CONSIDER that maybe he just is ass at it when he gets invested. much like. the whole fucking rest of the romance where he COMPLETELY fails to resist until the breakup.
anyway.
im personally of the opinion that he's more liable to slip up - fail at sneaking, accidentally reveal details, contradict himself - when he actually makes bonds with people. which is why after trespasser he goes and lives alone in the lighthouse for ten years but i digress.
and i think "that", the bonds tripping him up, should be reflected in his exit from the Inquisition. you're enemies or neutral, yeah he just vanishes. there's nothing to keep him there, nothing to interfere with his plans and intentions. you're (ex)lovers? i think he still would pull back purposefully and probably vanish, but there would be definite hesitation. he would have to force himself to do so, because fuck, he wants to stay. he wants to be close to you. but he also, crucially, knows that you have a dangerous sway over him, so he MUST disengage. if you're friends, it takes him some effort. because he does like you, he doesn't want to do what he has to, it's been so long since he had people who were friends to him, and he doesn't have to force himself away because he's in too deep. he knows you would worry about him. he might not be willing to give anyone the truth - but he would owe you a goodbye, at the very least. especially if you weren't the type to try to convince him to stay.
#solas#solas dragon age#dragon age: inquisition#da:i#solavellan#if you squint#idk. romance has way more volatility to it than friendship and kinship. it tends to blow up and make people more angry and bitter#but i think parting on good terms that are later revealed to have been false terms is a massive gut punch#like ive gone into it before but revallen is not the type to let his friends just. go. without doing something#he's too traumatized. thats why he has his goodbye habit of giving them a kiss laden with a protection spell before letting them go#because he let his wife go without one and she was killed#so he's observant of the signs of someone leaving#he would notice solas's absence immediately and chase him down.#even for goodbyes that are hasty and one sided you will get a kiss - forehead or cheek or hand - and that protection spell#otherwise he cannot sleep at night#and on solas's end - he does not want to admit it but i do think he likes it. he likes having the bonds of friendship and kinship#even if they must be short lived. even if only for a moment. i think he knows he must keep himself apart but he longs for them#and cannot force himself not to#he may not even realize that he's relenting but he does. even if only a little. even if only long enough for a kiss and a fond goodbye
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hey guys who wants another round of tmi
#ive been#this entire day has been a lot and i have no idea how to feel about it#i've never cried this much in an entire day and i can't stop myself from tearing up but it's not because of something sad or traumatic i'm#not used to being loved. or appreciated. or meant to feel like i belong anywhere. i've struggled with being excluded and ostracized and it#has been an uphill battle for a long time and deep down despite my many attempts to heal and get better i've always felt like something was#fundamentally wrong with me. it has been wrong with me from the start and whatever evidence to the contrary ive gotten was rationalised awa#by fluke or maybe people like me because of what i can provide and what i can do for them and not because of who i am and who i am will#always be tolerated or ignored at best and i genuinely was not expecting anyone but a few close friends to care about this and just. andjus#i think something in me is healing and it's still hard to accept but i can conceptualize it and any negative thought in my brain is being#countered by “hey why would you think that when people care about you” and i know it is obvious right. its something i should know but it#has always been so hard to believe that anyone would and the fact that it's hitting right now? i cant fucking stop crying#its almost fucking embarrassing im like this. im a grown ass adult. why the fuck am i still crying like this. i fucking hate trauma man#keeps making me feel like im that kid who was never loved in the ways that mattered. sorry im just#thankful. grateful. i feel like some parts of that gaping wound is stitching itself together and i cant stop crying and for once im not#crying because i'm being hurt. i'm just grateful to be here. genuinely fucking grateful that i'm alive#funny isnt it. how much love can save you if you let it#tmi#rant#embarrassed myself enough i think#sorry about that we'll go to our regularly scheduled ghoap program soon enough#i'll be okay
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i know this has been said 473773474833 times by the kavetham/haikaveh shippers and probably even nonshippers, but i'll say it again. I finally finished the genshin summer event and did the little after quest in sumeru and.....every time kaveh is sneaking around trying not to be noticed coming out of alhaithams house it's just such a gay vibe. he's basically screaming "I can't be caught being gay in a homophobic society!" even if that's not what the game writers are *actually* saying. that's just how it comes off and they can't make it come off any other way. with hoyo's gay history, it makes me wonder if it's on purpose and all a cover-up to have a technically different reason for it so they can get away with it lmao but we will never know.
#lee text#genshins#i can acknowledge how gay they are without liking thr ship#flashback to several kavetham/haikaveh (whatevwr their ship name is) shippers on here attacking me over not liking the ship#trying to “educate” me on why theyre sk gay and why i should ship it#look i didnt say they arent gay af. and these shippers dismissed my feelings completely#i think it was after that one event with the competition thing that kaveh won? idk but just they way they interacted#the way alhaitham talked to kaveh and the way kaveh responded TRIGGERED A TRAUMA RESPONSE IN ME#which made me dislike the ship and their dynamic! i didnt CARE if he was well meaning. the way he talked to kaveh#triggered a fight or flight response in me because it sounded similar to how ive been talked to and kaveh getting upset was similar to#how ive reacted to the same words. you can also argue my family cares about me like alhaitham does kaveh and its how he helps#but it doesnt mean its the kind of help we need and it doenst traumatize us lmao#so i dont get why people were so angry at me for getting triggered by this ship and disliking it for that reason#while i can still admit that they are gay af and seem to get a long a bit better after that and i can tolerate them now#since its been a while and i dont remember it enough to have a trauma response when seeing them anymore lmao#but its just annoying that shippers can be so toxic 💀 they care more about their fictional men ship than me. a real person. weird#not tagging the ship so i dont get more angry shippers in my notes....but they found me last time with no tags so hi. dont yell at me again!#but maybe no one will care since im putting my “anti ship propaganda” in the tags this time and not the main post lmao#just dont read my tags so you dont get mad at me for being uncomfortable by this ship dynamic. but if youre reading this...its too late#leave me alone they arent real and i am so im more important right 😅#let me shame the shippers that dismissed my real feelings because they think their ship is more important than a real person lmao#you cant tell me im wrong when a trauma response isnt a choice and happens against your will 💀#BE ASHAMED YOU NERDS#I WILL BITE YOUR KNEECAPS#sorry i just had to vent lmao
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sorry for yapping so much today lol BUT
i wanna yap abt marcille and falin. i feel like when they were in school, maybe marcille didn't have romantic feelings for falin yet but admired her curiosity and aptitude for magic.
then later, during the time that they and laios were exploring the dungeon together, that's when she started to fall for her. she saw how capable and brave she was in action. i think for her that combination of strength and bravery with delicacy and charm really did it for her, like the prince on horseback the succubus turns into for her. marcille wants a partner who's pretty and romantic, but not weak or shallow.
Falin also says at one point before Marcille joins their party that she thinks Marcille treats her like she's 10, and while i think this is mostly her being self-conscious, it's clear that Marcille babies her like how other people of long-lived races tend to do to everyone else, despite them being developmentally in the same life stage. It seems more likely that, in the dungeon, Marcille grew to see Falin more as she truly is, rather than the limited side of her she saw in school.
Then during the events of the story, she slowly comes to realize her feelings are romantic, especially when she hears Laios talk about how much Marcille meant to Falin.
Falin, on the other hand, I don't know when I think she fell for Marcille or realized those feelings, but I do think that she knew she was attracted to Marcille by the start of the events of the story. After she was resurrected, I think their interactions show that. My interpretation is that after the conclusion of the events of the manga, Falin made the first move. Like a lot of people who've had NDEs, maybe she felt like she shouldn't hesitate to say how she feels.
(pls recommend good post-manga fanfics!!! not just abt farcille but abt anything, i love seeing ppl's ideas abt what happens after)
#ive read a couple abt laios and kabru#as someone who relates to both kabru and laios i rly like them together#even if just as friends..... but i think a well paced friends to lovers makes sense for them#kabru not knowing how to be authentic and accurately say how he feels even when he tries at the end rly cut deep man#the being misunderstood and not knowing how to communicate how you actually feel#fuck!#they're both so dense i love them#one of the few times i think frustrating miscommunication tropes would work#and with laios being fresh off the heels of the toshiro situation#like hes clearly being extra careful with kabru at the end there cause he doesn't want to be disappointed now that he knows kabru lies#and as a traumatized person i totally get crushing on or even obsessing over someone who's somehow able to engage with what you fear#so healthily and easily#the allure of someone who hasn't been traumatized by that thing#and the desire to learn how you might heal if only you understood what they see#i like to think laios sloooooowwwwwly helps kabru eventually come to see monsters in a more neutral light#like how someone with a fear of bears can come to see them as. just animals. and not evil things out to get you.#still scary ofc like you gotta have a healthy fear of dangerous things#that would be in line with how real biological relationships are weaved into the dunmeshi world#like ill always have this trauma around family stuff but if i ever had a partner or close friend who's family i was accepted by#that would heal me a bit#not enough to ever have kids or call someone a parent i think#but enough to not feel that automatic fear response#as much
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thinking about them and banging my head against the wall again whats new. they are making me so emo. god. what the fuck
#ann plays fates#theyre like all i can think about rn#its that time of the year#i mean i think about them both constantly separately but its always when september comes#do i get hit with the laslow/nyx rarepair brainrot i think#that just lasts through fall and winter#not that im complaining. i think eventually i will have posted the entire fucking conversation#i cant help it. each part gives me a segment of dialogue to be ill about#i have ‘but with burdens so heavy dont you think we can lean on eachother a bit?’ on my wall#ROMANCE. TO ME (girl who is aroace)#also underrated thing about them i like how nyx flirts back#its more prevalent in their A support but shes so fun with him even beyond the bonding over traumatic pasts#i think with laslow he does a lot of flirting right bc hes laslow but a lot of the time its like#no ones matching his energy#i was gonna say match his freak but i dont think he has any freak if im so real with u#if he does its buried beneath five metric tons of shame and embarrassment#and i like how his… laslow-ness kinda gives nyx space to let loose if that makes sense#like he can match her maturity because he. you know. all of that#but hes still young and so she can find a little bit of reprieve from it all in his attitude and blah blah blah#if that makes sense#they r just so perfect. TO ME#ive only ever written and posted one thing for them but i have like five million (like six) things in my drafts i need to get back#into writing. rarepair hell gotta feed myself#also that was like two years ago it kinda sucks a bit but thats fine its called growth#i just miss them. i dont really have the brainpower to play fates but i have enough to think about them#i mean i played a little but ive mostly just been doing dumb shit with the class system and not rly playing the game#we’ll get to it#im supposed to be sleeping
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making up* the perfect robin for dickbats n then just. yoinking him away and giving him to bruce. hmmm. Sucks
*importing from a non-canon timeline story but the adaptation choices 100% set him up to be robin for dick ykwi FUCKING mean
#always conflicted bc. i never wanted dick to be batman forever obviously.#but ummmmmmmmm. sometimes. a little. as a treat#and he has to hate it the whole time except for damian pretty much.#(I Also Think the effect that would start having on damian as he started getting old enough to realize it#would be really interesting!!! like this is the most important thing in the world to me but it makes my favorite person miserable.#like i dont... delve into that in lbof bc damians not one of the pov characters buuuut in the as yet unpublished sequel#you do start seeing some of what that means 4 their relationship... hueheuehe)#and. lol. i only know the broad strokes of what dcs been doing with damian since the reboot but what ive heard i really havent liked.#and i absolutely have not heard anything that makes me reconsider my stance that narratively speaking damian makes no intuitive sense as+#bruces robin. smh#also while im complaining about like. the reboot taking away the existing structure that had been set up for damian as a character to play+#off of.#colin would have been SUCH a good supporting character for damian... he was in SIX ISSUES but the freakin. potential!!!!#everyone who writes damian with a hero bff with a nothing personality: it doesn't have to be like this. take my hand#dc#like specifically damian was this traumatized displaced abused child and the similarities and differences btwn him and colin aka abuse &#the way that damian latched onto him so fast n kept trying to impress him which like. alright damian was trying pretty hard to impress+#everybody at the time. hes the baby tryhard we know this.#BUT. LIKE. him seeing someone his age and not immediately wanting to write them off as a simpleton or whatever yk... like#was significant particularly bc colin Did think he was cool without yk. the relationship dynamic devolving into fawning or whatever#but like to HAVE the contrast btwn them their backgrounds their motives & demeanors but you still had damian recognizing that smth about+#them is The Same. ugh#whagever its fine. its fine. i have to do everything mysellf aroumd here but its fine.
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At this point I hope the next time will be successful, either in that I do manage to leave or I do something so bad it can't just be brushed off and I have to get any form of help since I cannot keep going like this
#how many times have i gone through this now?#how many times do i have to be lied to#is there a limit to the number of suicide attempts and being able to get help? because for the last couple hours ive been so scared#what am i doing to me? why cant i stop it?#why is it that what i say is read as lies to them?#how many times must i beg because no one believes me. what makes me seem a liar#the delusions consume me and only in the times i can see it can i aks for help. but no. its all lies. because its so obviously false#what must i do to be heard#i regret saying anything about being trans#because that's such an easy excuse for them#yeah. havent spoken to you and no intention of listening. but you tried to kill yourself because youre trans#that was a whole appointment#the fear because even if i wanted help when suicidal (which isnt often because of trauma and delusions) i wont get any and i could just die#fuck them and their suicide prevention. where is it?#its traumatic enough going through an attempt. worse when the reality hits you at the lowest of times#it will happen before sunday thats for sure. best time to do it#the way they defend each other when they say something awful and i just want an apology or for someone to acknowledge it isnt kind
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i feel like tumblr is trying to tell you something /hj
HEAD IN MY HANDS CHAT IM NOT. CHAT. HEY. COME ON NOW.
#I FEEL LIKE IF ANYTHING WAS WIRED THAT WAY?? IN ME???? I KINDA WOULDVE KNOWN SOONER?#and also it might have an actual source???#ive been through like. one traumatic event in my life#and yeah SURE okay my brain latched onto a bunch of guys during it but. waving my hand vaguely that doesn't count /hj#somethings going on in this ol brain of mine#undiagnosable really.#it is so funny to me though?? bc two of the characters i latched onto hard enough i can See And Hear Them Irl At Times#are like. edward hyde and vir us#who are possibly the WORST people possible to have embedded in your psyche /hj#so. how about we just throw the suitcase away on that point#im like. a spirit medium. there Are multiple people in this relationship but its more like they gotta speak through me#and also if i get possessed and spend a solid five minutes not blinking again#then uh. simply par for the course /hj
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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Something that sticks out to me about the very odd person here and there who reads this post, assumes it's abuse apologism, and then feels the need to say something about how "intentionality doesn't matter," is:
They assume guilt.
They don't care about the demographic of people this post is for.
They don't seem to understand that abusers are not particularly burdened by guilt and shame, and don't tend to care about the implications of their actions either way.
Seem to believe that support for abuse survivors and traumatized people is to tell everyone else that their unpacked surface judgements and snap reactions should be acted upon as if they are 100% true.
And this makes sense to me because people generally don't perceive the difference between societal problems and individual/interpersonal ones, and everyone is allergic to nuance because nuance is inconvenient, difficult, and anxiety-inducing.
But I've been in therapy for years specifically learning how to hold multiple, conflicting ideas and values as true, and figuring out what is and is not useful to focus on when processing trauma, violence, and interpersonal conflict.
I'm here to tell you it's harmful to victims of abuse to pretend like all the conclusions that are drawn are the truth of their situation. The truth is more that someone is feeling uncomfortable and upset in a relationship, or their needs are not being met, etc. Someone doesn't have to be an abuser for that to be true.
What happens when you leave things flat black & white is that you see predators and abusers everywhere, or you put people on the defensive if they aren't agreeing with the assessment that what they're experiencing is abuse, or you make it seem like they have to experience abuse before they take action to take care of themselves.
This isn't actually conducive to healing from trauma.
This is the way you get people stuck.
And anyway, the people who this post is for are people who tend to be victims themselves, and who are susceptible to manipulation and abuse themselves, because if you tell them they are bad people they will shut down critical thinking and seek to fit the standards set by someone else of how to be a better person... giving that other person an enormous imbalance of power in the relationship. And leave them very open to being controlled at the cost of themselves.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Love bombing is not a euphemism for "too much affection too soon," or "high desire for contact."
"Love bombing" is a term originally used in the context of cults to describe a deliberate and coordinated recruitment method that involved feigning friendship and interest in a potential recruit, via flattery, flirtation, physical affection, and very directed positive attention to everything the recruit says in order to lure them into the cult.
Since cults and abusive relationships operate in similar ways and use similar tactics, love bombing in an interpersonal relationship looks like manufacturing closeness in order to trap someone into a relationship in which the abuser has all the control.
And I know these days there's a million bullshit junky articles out there that make you think this is a symptom of cluster b personality disorders, but there is no way for you to be love bombing somebody without realizing it.
If you are an affectionate person and the level of affection and attention you give makes someone uncomfortable, you are not "accidentally" abusing them.
If you are uncomfortable with the level of affection and attention someone is paying you, they are not de facto abusing you.
Love bombing is about using someone's desire for human connection to fast track them into a situation you control that they will feel disinclined to leave.
#in fact a lot of my conclusions when im triggered or something resembles enough a traumatic situation ive been through before are wrong#my brain is just trying to keep me safe#and i find it more helpful when a friend can push back on how im reading a situation#than if they agree that someone is a big bad very bad harmful person and i should get away from them forever
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#dont read this is just. Venting. the way thats easiest for me to get it all out#not to depressionpost but im so fucking lonely its not even funny#i just would like to be able to feel Loved#which is silly bc logically i KNOW that im loved by my (very small) circle but#object permanence or. I guess emotional permanence or WHATEVER you call it just hasnt worked for me in such a long time#and its so very hard to not lash out and be awful in my misery to the ppl around me whenever that bpd switch gets flipped#ik im overly clingy and annoying and hard to get along with. I love and want to be loved and needed like a whimpering dog. i KNOW this.#and ik it doesnt help that every horrible awful clingy insecurity gets amplified by the abandonment and bullying and hurt ive faced#i constantly feel like ive been left on the curb by my loved ones even though i know thats not whats happening.#like im stuck in last place again and again and again. like im not as good or as cherished as their other people.#Its so hard. it makes me want to say and do awful things bc i feel so Abandoned and I HATE IT!!!!!#i fixate on my loved one and get these possessive and insecure feelings over them and its so UGLY.#it was bad enough in high school but Everything Else Thats Happened has made that problem of mine so much harder to cope with and ignore#train derailed but re: the first point. its so hard for me to actually feel like people care and want me around.#And now ive become too afraid to ask for anything bc of how many times theyve cancelled or forgot or ignored the plans we make together.#like is it a me thing? Am i that forgettable? am i that insufferable? why am i always the odd man out?#ugh#Nothing i said makes sense. But whatever#okay sorry this is just a better alternative than hurting myself so.#i hate being alone. i hate having no support system. i hate being stuck in a traumatic and abusive situation i cant get myself out of.#it gets harder and harder to convince myself to keep going.#every day i wake up feeling so Abandoned that i consider sabotaging every good relationship left in my life rehoming my pets n then kms-ing#haha. 🤟🤟🤟🤟#Its hard dealinh with traumatic personality disorders#while also dealing with perpetual ptsd-triggering and almost complete isolation
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i kinda want to download a habit tracker thingy to keep track of not biting my nails. but its so so so easy to relapse im afraid to do anything differently at all. even clipping and filing my nails is a very perilous task. but i cant let them get long bc theyre so weak they just fold ……. this is so hard and im so proud of myself !!!!!! its been *checks calendar* three weeks ???!?!?!!?? it feels like years wtf
#ive picked my nails for as long as i can remember like messing with my nails is one of the earliest memories i have#as soon as i was arguably old enough (13) i got acrylic nails to fight the picking#kept that until i was 20 or so#then i just had nubs#then i visited my mom two months ago and we got acrylics!#then i went home and had a rando nail salon fill them and THEY INJURED MY REAL NAIL I AM STILL LIVID ABOUT IT#my anxiety could barely handle it. thankfully the injured part is almost grown out now#since then i have vowed to never get acrylics and never pick my nails again#so far so good!!!!!#sorry ive been wanting to vent about how they massacred my nails#but it’s literally too much for me to talk about and surely ppl dont want to hear it#but it needs to be said : i underwent a traumatic experience and im actually growing and improving bc of it
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━━ fear not the road untaken .
Sunday hadn't spent long with the Stellaron Hunters before boarding the Express, but the memories he'd made with them were priceless. One quiet day in the Express's cabin, while reflecting on his experiences with the Hunters, you appear to visit him.
astral express!sunday x gn!stellaronhunter!reader
contains: sunday used to be a stellaron hunter, teasing, FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF THIS IS THE CUTEST THING IVE WRITTEN SO FAR, SUNDAY IS DOWN BADDDD AS HE DESERVES TO BE BITES FIST I MISSED THIS SO BADDDDD, not established relationship sunday just has a massive crush on you
word count: 2.06k
a/n: happy drip marketing yall. you all get a sunday fluff piece. as a treat. also yes i am completely and totally sane. (THIS IS THE MOST SELF INDULGENT FIC IVE EVER WRITTEN I AM SO SORRY GUYS)
taglist: @sh0jun , @themoderatelyawesomeninja , @xphantasmagoriax , @rainswept , @lucensei , @akutasoda , @naraven , @scribs-dibs , @apathicace , @flurrina , @tragedy-of-commons , @cakechase , @kiiyoooo
“Sunday, we’re going out to Belobog for a bit. Wanna come with?”
Heeled boots still in the midst of a step. Feather-like hair shifts and tousles as he turns his head. At the invitation, gold melts, sapphires glitter, and a gentle smile warms his lips.
March is a blessing, he thinks. She is bubbly, kind, and always manages to light up whatever room she steps into - in that regard, she is not too unlike his beloved sister. Although her ability to plan ahead leaves much room for improvement, he cannot deny that it was her presence that made his transition into a Nameless much easier than it would’ve been.
Although, truthfully, he’d expected more resistance from her - out of everyone, she seemed to be the most traumatized by the Charmony Festival Disaster, and she also had more of a distaste for Stellaron Hunters than the others. But surprisingly, she’d come around to him, and welcomed him into the Express with open arms - and a lot of food. He swears, every time she’s come back from a trip, it’s another sweet or drink shoved into his arms - not that he’s complaining, though.
“Thank you for the invitation,” he begins, then rests a hand over his chest as a reflex. “But I’m afraid I’ll have to refuse. The last expedition has left me rather exhausted - and as you know, I don’t fare well in cold weather.”
Dan Heng nods in understanding. He’s never been a man of many words, and for that Sunday appreciates him. He rather likes straight-forward people, who aren’t afraid to say their mind - perhaps that’s why he’s grown to adore both the Express and the Hunters so much.
“Is there anything you want us to bring back?” pipes up the Trailblazer, dog-like eyes shining as they lean over March. “Like, sweets or whatever?”
Sunday bites back a chuckle. Somehow, word had gotten around that Sunday had quite the sweet tooth. He doesn’t know who started it or how they found out (he has his suspicions on March), but ever since the trio has been dragging him around to various planets and encouraging him to try the local desserts.
He wonders if he’s gotten cavities yet. He hopes not.
Maybe he should check again, at a later time.
“That Rye Bread Iceberg you brought last time was rather enjoyable. I’d like to try it again.”
March and the Trailblazer brighten at his words. “Okay, on it!”
Dan Heng only hums his acknowledgement before turning to leave the parlor car. “Let’s go,” he advises the others. “You know Seele doesn’t like to wait.”
Sunday has never personally met this Seele (the Trailblazer describes her as a crass but kind-hearted warrior), but her fury is enough to whip both March and the Trailblazer into shape. It isn’t long before the trio is waving him goodbye as they descend into the frozen planet, and he also bids them farewell.
And then it is just him, and the conductor.
A small sigh leaves him as he sits down on one of the many couches. He wasn’t lying when he said he was exhausted. Fighting - or any physical activity, for that matter - isn’t exactly his strong suit. Even during his time with the Hunters, he’d stayed behind the front lines, acting as a pseudo Kafka with his carefully crafted words and tuning abilities.
That’s one of the few things about the Hunters that he prefers over the Express - they didn’t force him to hike through deserts and jungles and mountains and Xipe knows what else. All they did was throw him off a skyscraper in the name of the script (he’s pretty sure Elio just wanted to see if he’d actually fly or not).
Sunday blinks, realizing just what had just passed through his mind. Then he sighs with a smile, leaning back into the red plush of the couches.
Only a few months since his fall, and he’s already beginning to think as weirdly as the rest of them.
“Sunday, are you alright?”
Sunday glances down to see the conductor waddling by his feet.
Pom Pom is… strange, no doubt - for whatever reason, Dan Heng fears them and has advised Sunday to not anger them at all costs. Their past is shrouded in mystery, but Sunday finds himself drawn to the conductor. Perhaps living most of his life in a fever dream like Penacony has warped his perception of what is normal and what is not.
“I’m fine, thank you.” He shifts on the couch to make room, but the conductor shakes their head.
“Are you sure? Pom Pom saw you laughing to yourself,” they fret, tapping their nubby hands together anxiously. “Have you been sleeping enough?”
Sunday crosses one leg over the other, and rests his hands over his knee. “If you’re concerned about my transition from Penacony to reality, be at ease. The Hunters have practically beat a proper sleep schedule into me.”
Pom Pom yelps in shock. “B-Beat?! They beat you?”
“Not literally,” Sunday hastes, instinctively reaching out a hand to calm the conductor. “It was more akin to… ominously threatening checkups. Although, there was this one time-”
He sees the look on Pom Pom’s face, and decides to stop it there. He fears they might break out sobbing if he continues.
“Nevertheless, rest assured that I am sleeping at an appropriate time,” he finishes reassuringly. His practiced smile pays off as the conductor gradually calms down, albeit worry about the Hunters’ methods still lingers.
“Alright, if you say so, Sunday.” They look around uneasily. “Do you want anything to drink?”
Sunday waves his hands hastily. “No, I am alright, thank you-”
“He’ll have some tea.”
Pom Pom jumps with a shriek and Sunday’s wings puff up. A familiar laugh ghosts his ear, and immediately Sunday’s face brightens.
“What- What are you doing here?!” Pom Pom quickly hides behind one of Sunday’s slender legs, hugging it like a lifeline. Sunday places a hand on their head to calm them as he turns to the hologram with a warm smile.
“At ease, conductor, they’re a friend.”
Your holographic form glitches in and out of reality. There’s a thin blue filter over your appearance, but other than that, everything is the same as he remembers.
“Hey, angel,” you coo, leaning your elbow on his shoulder as you sit besides him. Its weight is not the same as it would be in reality, but the presence is enough - a small, barely noticeable tingle that has his heart fluttering and his wings following in suit. “How’s life as Nameless? Do you miss us yet?”
Sunday laughs gently. “It has only been two weeks since I left the Hunters. I’m afraid I haven’t had the time to miss you all.”
You pout playfully, sticking out your tongue.Even though parts of you chip away and reappear, and your form isn’t stable, Sunday can’t help but be as captivated by you as he was when he was still among the Hunters’ ranks. Where the projection fails, his tinted memory fills in.
“Silver Wolf misses you, although I doubt she’d actually say it,” you say, taking a lock of his hair and twirling it around your finger. “Has she visited you yet?”
Sunday stutters a bit before weakly batting your finger away with his wing. “No, I’m afraid she hasn’t.”
“Hm.” You smile at his attempt to brush you off. Letting go of his hair, you instead opt to tug lightly at his cheek, earning a squeak from the Halovian. “That’s weird. Maybe she was too shy to speak up.”
“I-” Sunday rubs his cheek when you finally let go. Embarrassingly, his wings jump to shield his face, an unfortunate reflex he’d yet to curb. “I suppose she was…”
He hears you hum, and he lifts a wing to peek at you. His cheeks feel hot - no, that’s an understatement, the entirety of his body feels as if he’s in a fireplace.
“Give her my regards,” he finally breathes out, thanking the Aeons for his training in keeping his composure. Sure, it ultimately fails whenever he looks at you, but at least he’s able to fix himself quickly enough… or at least, he hopes that’s what it looks like.
“You didn’t answer my question though.” Propping your elbow on his shoulder again, you rest your cheek in your palm. “How’s the Nameless life treating you?”
“It’s chaotic,” Sunday admits with a fond sigh. He relaxes into the couch once more, feeling himself sink into the plush. Briefly, he’s tempted to lean his head on your shoulder, but given that you’re a holograph, he holds himself back. “But it’s fun. The Nameless have been kind, and the planets I’ve visited… It’s nice, to see the universe as someone other than a wanted criminal.”
“Wow. Thanks.”
Sunday would apologize, but considering that it’s you he’s talking to, he doesn’t feel the need to. After all, you’ve said worse to him, and him to you.
“You know what I mean,” he chuckles. “To be honest, though, the Express and the Hunters aren’t so different.”
He hears Pom Pom squawk indignantly, and again he ruffles their fur to calm them. Turning ever so slightly to your hologram, he gazes at you with adoration and fondness swelling his heart.
“To the both of you, I am forever grateful. If it weren’t for your kindness, I’d be rotting away in an alley somewhere. I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
All distaste for the Hunters fades from Pom Pom as they giggle bashfully. “Aw, Sunday… You don’t have to thank us. We were just doing what the Nameless do.”
You nod in agreement, reaching through his wing and poking his cheek again. “Conductor’s right. No need for thanks, birdie.”
“Still-” Sunday makes a sound like a startled bird as you poke his cheek harder, squishing it against the rest of his face. Underneath his coat, his primary wings strain with the urge to flutter and twitch, while his secondary wings are held back by sheer willpower. The only sign that they want to flap so badly is with the tiniest of tremors.
“None of that,” you chide him gently, tapping him lightly on the plush of his lips. “We’re just glad you’re happy - right, bunny?”
“Who’re you calling bunny?!” Pom Pom protests, steam puffing out of their head while steam threatens to escape Sunday’s face for completely different reasons.
Before you can reply, however, your form begins to glitch out, flickering in and out of reality at a higher frequency. With an annoyed click of your tongue, you stand up.
“Looks like Silver Wolf isn’t happy,” you comment, brushing off imaginary dust from your clothes. Taking one step so that you’re fully in front of Sunday, you lean in so that your projected nose barely brushes against his. “I have to get going now. You have my number, so text me if you need anything, okay? Or if you want to catch me up with your travels, you can always call me.”
Sunday’s voice feels lodged in his throat. With a subtle gulp, his Adam’s Apple bobbing ever so slightly, he manages to speak with an even voice.
“Okay,” he whispers, his voice almost a whimper. He wants to explode.
You smile fondly, and duck in to peck at the corner of his lips. The buzzing of your holograph morphs into electrifying lightning, surging into his veins, puffing up his feathers and making all of his hairs stand up and sending his already tapping heart into a frenzy. His body freezes into a statue, and all coherent thoughts melt away into a haze that is both ecstatic and shocked.
By the time you pull away, his wings are flapping erratically and his entire body is dyed in a rosey red. His mouth opens and closes like a fish, but all words die on his tongue and he is left blabbering like a fool.
You laugh again, eyes crinkling so beautifully he swears he’s ascended.
“If that’s how you react, I wonder how cute you’ll be when it’s the real deal.”
And then you’re gone, vanishing like a sweet dream in a flurry of pixels, leaving Sunday there to dazedly touch his lips, and then where you’d kissed him.
And then he smiles, giddily, and his halo practically glows as soft, love-stricken giggles begin to leave him.
reblogs w comments are appreciated !!
#—stellaronhvnters.#honkai star rail#honkai star rail x reader#hsr#hsr x reader#hsr sunday#sunday hsr#honkai star rail sunday#sunday honkai star rail#hsr sunday x reader#sunday x reader#sunday hsr x reader#honkai star rail sunday x reader#sunday#x reader#reader insert#y/n#archives 🏵️
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i am sane and normal and goign to smoke after this post to become even more sane and even more normal
#theres no point to stumbling my way through this and hoping i settle alright on the other side#i ruin everything i put my hands on - im terribly abusive and everyone is too afraid of me retaliating to say anything so theyre silent#i bitch and whine so much about how 'traumatized' i am meanwhile ive ruined the life of anyone thats known me for even a week#where do i get off acting like every 'abusive' situation ive been in Wasnt my fault and or karma for the way i treat others#no wonder im going to die alone! god i fucking deserve it! i chase off anyone good to me by being a toxic piece of shit#and anyone that stays just gets more and more worn down by me until theres nothing left of them and they ahve to leave too#im so tired of being an abusive friend to anyone that knows me i am jsut a terrible leech onto anyone thats ncie to me#i need to kms SOON so i can fucking stop i might [■■■] just bc i think thatd actually Work . n i need to find a place to do it#im realizing its a bit insensitive to do it in my room and my second choice was the park but thats also a bit insensitive so idk anywhere#theres gotta be a hiking trail thats close Enough but still isolated to the point that nobody would stumble on me before planned discovery#and then i can remove a negative impact from the lives of so many#i keep thinkign about burning myself instead of cutting but i liek . dont know Where to do it so i keep putting it off#im so sad i just want to be good and helpful and get loved in return i want to cry into someones chest rn#i am such a bad bad bad dog i deserve everything i get and worse tbh caus clearly my weak ass “”“”trauma“”“” is all made up#good god i need to get over myself and jsut commit already
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Reproductive violence is a form of control used to restrict women's autonomy. From birth control sabotage to religious prohibitions against family planning, women's bodies have long been battlegrounds for maintaining male dominance. This violence, often justified through religion or cultural norms, strips women of their right to make decisions about their own bodies, perpetuating a cycle of oppression that crosses national and cultural boundaries. The ease of accessing transgender medical care without thorough mental health evaluations raises questions about the responsibility of the medical system. For such life-altering decisions, a lack of psychological support can leave trans individuals vulnerable to future regret or emotional challenges. This oversight points to a broader problem in healthcare, where efficiency and profit sometimes trump patient well-being. The liberal feminist defense of sex work often fails to address the root causes of exploitation. While protecting workers is important, radical feminists argue that the industry itself needs to be dismantled. They advocate for social and economic systems that offer women alternatives to sex work, focusing on poverty reduction and access to education as key solutions to breaking the cycle of exploitation. Radical feminists argue that sex work should not be normalized or celebrated but dismantled. While protecting workers is essential, they believe that the real solution lies in addressing the systemic issues that force women into the industry. By targeting the demand for sex work and providing women with alternatives, feminists hope to create a society where women are not exploited for their bodies. The idea that a woman s traumatic experience somehow reflects on her character—"shes promiscuous" or "attention-seeking"—is as prevalent as it is harmful. These are not ignorant remarks made without understanding; many of these men know full well the weight of a woman's pain. Yet they still choose to belittle it. It s as though confronting another's vulnerability forces them to reflect on their own, which, instead of inspiring empathy, triggers defensiveness and disdain. Ill never understand why peanuts had to scrit in Candy Mountain. Nothing good ever comes from groudby with clobulous HGL. Ive had enough of sonic the hedgehog always trying to shreks in the erf realm.
I didnt come to peanut butter jar to farting this moist vegits, but here we are. The banana may be scary, but it still knows how to shit peanutbutter. Just because you can thwomp doesnt mean you should pounit. The way sex exprickilors in The evil lab makes me think its dirty. sonic the hedgehog! Why does everything have to be so greasy with you?
#gender critical feminist#terf safe#terfblr#op is a radfem#gender cult#radicalfeminist#gender abolition#tra stupidity#gendercrit
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