#Its so hard. it makes me want to say and do awful things bc i feel so Abandoned and I HATE IT!!!!!
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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(cw vent, sorry it's just been A Couple Of Days)
Not really having many irl friends comes at the price of feeling so terribly lonely, I feel like I have no one to talk to because I'm not close to enough people, or maybe I am and I just haven't talked to them in a while and I don't want this to be our first conversation qwq
I'm honestly just. Tired, tbh qwq
#I mostly talk to my partner#But they've been more absent lately and like they have their own life#But the second they're gone I realize I don't talk to anyone that much#I used to have someone else I spoke to daily; it was an awful friendship though and it took a lot of struggle to end it#But god; just qwq; I'm so tired of everything qwq#Honestly I'm disappointed in how upset it makes me that my partner is more absent because I know it's bc they've found a game they're into#And have been playing non-stop#They'll come telling me that they've done this and that and I'll be struggling HARD and will try to mention it at some point but#But like I wanna leave them their space to be excited but I just#Look. Look the NPD is getting to me; and I know these are not kind or fair feelings but#But I hate it here; I don't care about their game; I don't care about what they've done;#All my brain focuses on is that I've had a shitty fucking day and everything's gone wrong and they weren't here#Because they were fucking playing#And I know that's not fair for MANY reasons and that voicing all that would make me a massive asshole#And that at its core; it's more of a matter of never going anywhere; not having people to hang out with;#Not leaving my house nor talking to that many people#I feel so lonely and so fucking hollow qwq#My bag got taken away and I feel like I've lost an intrinsic part of myself#And to top it all off; I had today's exam and the project I'm doing#And my dad screaming and my period coming and all the things I have to do and how much I yearn for friends#Yet when I'm with my friends I can't wait to be alone#Man; just#I didn't wanna go this far; and I only say it here because no one's really gonna read it;#But I genuinely just wanna kill myself at this point#There's no point nor reason#I'm trying hard to enjoy life but nothing goes my way#I have so many things I want to do and nothing fucking goes my way#I'm so tired; I just want to go to sleep and not wake up; it's gnawing and clawing and it's such an ugly feeling qwq#I feel like if I cut myself I'd be even more pathetic; I wouldn't even be met with sympathy; just. Disappointment#It's been a while since I last self-harmed in a way that was visible
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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lmao what the FUCK did I miss, dsaf fandom??
#lloyds meowing#me when im glad i stopped following orchestra or whatever the fuck it was omg#and that was just bc the vibes were awful. omg.#also to the person defendin them i checked your notes and babe.#theres so many victims of this goofy ahh tool#BUH BUH BUT. WHEN I LOOKED THROUGH THEIR BLOG I DIDNT FIND NOTHIN!! I SCROLLED AND SCROLLED girl stfu.#i didnt like that mf for how fucking. NASTY their attitude towards people is#'but its dsaf its a dark game' bitch its dayshift at fucking freddys.#you can get rickrolled by the goddamn bear animatronic AND you can go on a bad trip and kick balloon boy#its only serious if youre actually fucking trying to get a good ending#most of the endings in dsaf 3 alone are jokes. dying of old age after kicking davetrap out n saying nah??#the multiple times that orange asshole can go to jail OR get killed in comical ways#wah wah wah its not a healthy workplace relationship HENRY LOBOTOMIZED HIS BUSINESS PARTNER?! HELLO????#some of you people are so fucking insufferable im actually actively losing braincells.#yknow what.#lloyds hissing#fuck you smh im about to start doing my own fuckin thing without having to worry abt some annoying ah bitch crying abt what things i ship#girl you want people to be mad at n ridicule go find those lil weird fucks writing incest.#bc theres a lotta them im still fucking blockinf#blocking** but yeah fuck yall smhsmh some of you are cool#but some of you make me wanna drink until my liver turns so hard into a raisin that my great great grandchildren are gonna have issues.
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it really is kind of crazy how much lifelong abuse warps your nervous system's idea of safety and comfort. like I'm still living with my abuser(s) but every time i get home from the centre where they treat me kindly, i feel some kind of fear as if I've done something wrong while I was out but also this vague relief to be back at the place where abuse happens. it's so strange. i have such a wonderful time in a place where they listen to me and are interested in what i have to say and they treat me with kindness and respect, and then I come home to this hell house and I immediately feel ill but relieved because all of the niceness I'd just experienced feels so wrong, but now i'm back where i am hurt so that is comfortable. its what is known and expected.
it really is like abuse is just... what is comfortable for me. and I hate that. when I'm around people who treat me kindly I am always waiting for the metaphorical other shoe to drop, and also having to control my urge to ruin it purposefully before I ruin it accidentally. like some part of me sometimes wants to goad people into being angry at me because that feels like it's what is Supposed To Happen.
#honestly the ''some part of me'' is probably fairly literal lmao#like. i can trace that urge to a specific alter. but i also can't say i myself as a part don't experience it at all bc i definitely do RIP#but it's moreso just wanting to say smth weird and awkward to make them think i'm stupid or smth to get it over with#because it usually happens at some point. ppl realize ''oh this person is a strange freak and they ramble too much'' eventually#so. if i can just get it over with. BUT I SHOULDNT DO IT ON PURPOSE BC THEN IM JUST WRECKING THINGS FOR MYSELF#and sometimes ppl do not think that !!! sometimes ppl are kind and patient with me !!! so i shouldn't try to make them think badly of me !!#but its so hard sometimes fdsjkl like im just. waiting. for them to get annoyed or tired of me. and i hate that apprehension#anyways UHHH i just got home and i feel so awful hdgjkl#the ppl at the centre were unbelievably kind today and i feel so gross like i've done smth horribly wrong fhdsgjkl#just because it is so outside of my comfort zone to have ppl like... be nice in general to me. but to be so very kind? thats scary fdsjkl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#abuse tw
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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍
#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all#literally my soul is gone or something#i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed#which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better#alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off#like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot#like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy#moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously#but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends#i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help#idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho#like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback#kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk#it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore#but who knows 🤷♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol#that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown#like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way#and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever#and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality#plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good#but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you#but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !
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:(
Very bad grade in therapy today
#thought i could make progress this year and yet here i am having done jack shit by now#what has even been the point#i just wanted to do something today that didnt feel awful like try to encourage people to watch a show or play a game#and now im just right back to Why do i bother staying alive? im never going to make any progress#and even if i do I'm going to just be worthless the whole time and waste precious resources others could be using#oh yes just try saying a nice thing to yourself for once! yeah sure that will help when i cant do anything worth a damn#i want to help people but i have no skillsets and no money to further my education and teaching myself gets me right where i already am!#continuing like this is like spitting in the face of anyone who is actually out there pursuing their dreams and thats not fair to them#they put in all that hard work and im over here being a whiny ass bitch bc i want so badly to do better and learn more#but the only thing holding me back is that im a dumbass who cant do anything right and no one will ever think differently#why am i trying to make myself something i can never be? what is goddamn point if its just a waste of everyones time and effort#i just... it feels like the least i can do is just stop taking up space#free up some oxygen for someone who really needs it and shelter for someone who truly deserves it#i shouldnt even have these things and yet i complain about how much gas i have to pay to commute to my jobs#like such an asshole#and i said i so much in these tags bc im such a selfish jerk who coearly doesnt care enough nor has a worthwhile vocabulary to say otherwise#theres just no fucking point to any of this#...#its cold today#might be a good day to do my favorite plan#actually yeah fuck it im gonna go#hope you all stay kind to yourselves and enjoy your 2024#you absolutely deserve it and everything you can get out of it#keep being amazing yall#see you on the flip side or whatever#orbs thought bubbles
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i just think ghosting someone should be illegal
#esp if the person has bpd . no this isnt about me (it is)#it's just bad boss#ive slowly gotten better at trying not to think about the person but alas . they're appearing in my nightmares .#not much i can do about that besides feeling awful n just trying not to sleep after#idk ! idk i tried . i tried to not be like a previous friend i had who was rlly gross n manipulative to me#whilst Also being much older (i was seventeen n they were twenty four or twenty six i dont remember)#idk. ethan says i wasnt bad but its still gripping onto my brain yknow#also it just sucks being ghosted sucks this is the second time it's happened from someone i trusted#[united states of whatever voice] whatever#(it's more like . Wuhtevr .)#nothing i can do but cope with random f/n/af videos#im watching a person i like try to be sister l/o/cation blindfolded :] they're doing well even with how hard it is#i cant even beat night four Seeing things (well barely seeing things bc its so dark i genuinely cant see)#so it's rlly neat . also i know how to skip the night now bc of a joke he made >:D#also to anyone reading this i am not trying to come across as like Woe Is Me Feel Bad For Me bc like ew#NDNDNDN my tone is very just flat n matter of fact rather than trying to garner sympathy#but also i dont necessarily think it's bad to want sympathy however i dislike it when people go about it in such a way#where it's like . being down on themselves to such an amount that you Know they're playing it up . does that make sense#idk . im saying nothing <3 n im very tired n doing bad so im not making much sense my apologies#does a ditty before kickflipping my way back to f/n/af video world#blabs
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#its been a long while since ive made one of these posts#want to preface it by saying im okay#im just going through a lot#this whole school year has been really awful#its just been constant one thing after the other#most recently i got bit by a student and sent to the hospital bc it swelled so much#im fine its mostly just some really bad bruising now (and no broken skin)#its just been frustrating when i cant do things like normal because of the pain#ive also got other things going on that i wont get into#but im just feeling very emotionally drained and physically exhausting#i keep pushing through and trying to act like everything is fine#but its taking its toll on me#im struggling to keep it together this week but i know i need to#ive cried on the way to work two days in a row now and i have a feeling tomorrow will be a third#its just hard to make myself go there when im surrounded by so much negativity#but i honestly love my job#and i know ill be fine#things are just difficult right now and i have to keep looking for the good things#being out in the sun helps so ive been doing a lot of that#and ive been trying to look at the positive sides of things when i can#i just feel like i shouldnt let my feelings be so big bc it feels selfish right now#anyway#i just needed to put this all down in words somewhere#it helps to get it out#thanks to anyone who actually read this#i hope youre doing well 💙#delete later#late night ramblings#probably delete in morning#this whole thing is a mess
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#looking at the notes ppl in the lab let me on my birthday card. it seems ppl think i should chill the fuck out lmao#a lot were like RELAX!!! and ya kno objectively theyre right but i refuse to listen bc theres something wrong in my head#sigh. i survived the day at least. the timed measurements r done on this experiment. thank christ. and my birthday gathering as so#i dont kno. it was kinda funny and kinda sad i guess. bc i knew it was gonna happen and i didnt want it to but i was like fine. ill meet#at 4. and i expected it to b in the conference room but they set up outside the lab around the corner. so they did kinda surprise me#location wise i guess. i cant imagine what expression i was making. it felt like a pained smile but idk. i had to go back to take#measurements every 4min so i was standing there with a plate full of ice creame cake. kinda away from everyone while they talked. staring#at my phone timer as it ticked down and abruptly leaving when i had to log a measurement. i was basically a non entity while there. which#was kinda idea bc i have too much hurt inside to talk to ppl right now. as evidence by my phone call with my parents when i got home. im#just kinda a bummer to exist around rn. idk maybe i should apologize to my boss bc i kno im not an easy person to do things for#and i really do appreciate the effort. its just hard when i kno how much stress its going to cause me for someone to attempt to do#something they think will b nice. so idk i just feel bad. but its over. and idk what ill do tomorrow. i should do stuff for when i move#like my dad was like: u should prioritize ur future stuff. and hes objectively right. they think i should get a studio apartment which#would b expensive as fuck but i will destroy myself if i have roommates. idk. theres lots still to do bc i have to get a ton of data#processed by the end of the week bc i have 8 days of measurement on another project that needs to get done by may 14th when i leave for#vacation. which my mom was like did u buy ur tickets for next month and i was like. hm how do i ask where im supposed to buy tickets to#without giving away that i dont kno what ur talking abt? bc apparently im going to a wedding? wtf do i wear to a wedding?#idk. i guess im just kinda sad bc this month has been really hard. i made it hard for no reason bc theres something wrong in my head and#that hurt has nowhere to go bc i cant even give anyone an honest account of how awful it was bc its like what r they gonna do abt it?#anything i say is just worrying bc i cant seem to stop myself who whats the point in talking abt it. but idk humans r social creatures so#when im in pain at least part of me wants someone to brush my hair and acknowledge my pain and tell me itll b ok#but idk. the idea of that happening is different from the reality where i seem to opperate at a different frequency to other people. we#just dont seem to properly connect. idk. idk what ill do tomorrow. im afraid to loosen my grip on my schedule bc i might fall to piece#pieces without the pressure. well see. lets home my 26th year is better than my 25th was. bc last year sucked#hope* lets hope that was my low point. bc that was not a fun time and im worry to take account of thr damage done#unrelated
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the worst part is like . I know it sounds like ocd and i know a lot of ppl with ocd and i watch them talk abt their experiences and i relate a ton but then my brains like How dare you relate to them and try to compare. youre just an evil person and youre trying to pretend you have ocd . and its actually different and the fact you even thought for a second "oh thats similar to what i experience" means that you will be a bad person forever and you cant fix it and you need to go to hell. and you dont have ocd youre just actually an evil person. so i cant actually let myself think abt it being ocd basically
#And like you know . i dont actually know what it is and i cant like. Decide i do bc i relate a lot to ppl who do have it . its just even if#i dont say I think i have ocd bc i relate to this. i cant even think Oh i relate to this without feeling like an awful person. you know .#does this make sense to anybody at all. its very very exhausting#also this is phrasing it like being ocd is the same thing as being evil Obviously it isnt i just mean like ik a lot pf ppl with ocd#experience similar like. worrying theyre an evil person and i also do that but my brain says that i actually Am an evil person as opposed t#just. worrying that i am. and that i only worry abt it bc its true. ok .#idk i worry i sound whiny as hell in these posts im sorry 😭 its just rly kicking my ass tonight the terrors#but its like. no matter what i do im evil bc if i think to myself Oh i relate a bit to this person with ocd my brain says Oh youre awful fo#trying to pretend to have ocd you couldnt possible understand your evil. and if i say youre right then its Oh so why is having ocd such a#bad thing do you hate ppl with ocd you couldnt possible have ocd bc you think youre better than them youre awful but if i say I think youre#being a bit dramatic its like oh so what you think you can just claim to have whatever mental health issue you want. you think you can just#fake mental illnesses and use them as an excuse for why youre so horrible youre going to hell youre going to hell youre going to hell and#then it just loops eternally and i cant get it to stop unless i do little things to make it stop like hitting my head or scratching or#pacing in tempo or tapping rhythms . Which yes i know sounds like ocd . you do not have to tell me . but i cant think abt how it sounds#similar to ocd bc then its starting again.#and even the like. posting abt it is hard bc my brains like seeee youre just making it up for attention why do you haaave to talk abt it#where ppl can see. its so you can convince other ppl and trick them into thinking you have ocd . but its just that i always post whatever#i think abt on here this thing is my diary and also if i dont let people know what im thinking all the time it means im hiding things and i#evil . so . this is how it is
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1 i have an appointment tomorrow very early in the morning and im such a mess that idk what i’ll tell my dermatologist when she sees me looking like this bc i’ve been ignoring the meds she gave me it’s embarrassing 2 i cannot concentrate on anything it makes want to cry for a whole week 3 even tho im very very exhausted and haven’t been eating well for the past idk how many weeks i still cannot get myself to do anything other than be anxious over the work i should be doing 4 my room is not even walkable rn bc i brought my winter clothes down and i don’t have any time to organize them in the closet 5 i am going crazy goodnight
#this is a rant. sorry but also not sorry this is my blog i will rant whenever i want to#why is nothing going my wayyyyy this semester is awful#i cannot say i need a break bc i haven’t been doing anything other than WORRYING and not working bc my energy levels are at minus rn#but i really need a break from responsibilities ok. i need time to organize things and i don’t have that time so i cant work properly bc i#don’t have a proper plan but i can’t plan bc i don’t have time its 🔄🔄#no really yk what makes me go crazzzyyyy is that this semester im taking classes with 3 new professors.. and like i don’t want them to think#im always like this…. im just having a very hard time rn…. i am not usually like this wallah…….. my brain is bigger than this….#only one class that have been successful so far and my dr is very nice he even complimented me i almost cried#>____< why can’t my brain just function normally
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#dont read this is just. Venting. the way thats easiest for me to get it all out#not to depressionpost but im so fucking lonely its not even funny#i just would like to be able to feel Loved#which is silly bc logically i KNOW that im loved by my (very small) circle but#object permanence or. I guess emotional permanence or WHATEVER you call it just hasnt worked for me in such a long time#and its so very hard to not lash out and be awful in my misery to the ppl around me whenever that bpd switch gets flipped#ik im overly clingy and annoying and hard to get along with. I love and want to be loved and needed like a whimpering dog. i KNOW this.#and ik it doesnt help that every horrible awful clingy insecurity gets amplified by the abandonment and bullying and hurt ive faced#i constantly feel like ive been left on the curb by my loved ones even though i know thats not whats happening.#like im stuck in last place again and again and again. like im not as good or as cherished as their other people.#Its so hard. it makes me want to say and do awful things bc i feel so Abandoned and I HATE IT!!!!!#i fixate on my loved one and get these possessive and insecure feelings over them and its so UGLY.#it was bad enough in high school but Everything Else Thats Happened has made that problem of mine so much harder to cope with and ignore#train derailed but re: the first point. its so hard for me to actually feel like people care and want me around.#And now ive become too afraid to ask for anything bc of how many times theyve cancelled or forgot or ignored the plans we make together.#like is it a me thing? Am i that forgettable? am i that insufferable? why am i always the odd man out?#ugh#Nothing i said makes sense. But whatever#okay sorry this is just a better alternative than hurting myself so.#i hate being alone. i hate having no support system. i hate being stuck in a traumatic and abusive situation i cant get myself out of.#it gets harder and harder to convince myself to keep going.#every day i wake up feeling so Abandoned that i consider sabotaging every good relationship left in my life rehoming my pets n then kms-ing#haha. 🤟🤟🤟🤟#Its hard dealinh with traumatic personality disorders#while also dealing with perpetual ptsd-triggering and almost complete isolation
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slumber party
in which there's only one bed. fem bau!reader x spencer reid
fluff! warnings/tags: dark humor, (the word molest is used jokingly once but in my defense your honor its completely on brand for early seasons cm humor, if u cancel me u have to cancel the whole cast those are the rules, its just a joke cause reader always flirts w him aggressively, pls don't come for me i have a wife and children and three boyfriends to take care of,) mutual pining, bullying and death threats as flirting, they love each other so much and bicker like children, glasses spencer, (moans), emily and rossi are mentioned bc canon means fuck all to me, i think thats it but this is my most out of pocket duo so if i'm wrong lmk a/n: just a silly little thing that i cooked up, not a masterpiece but i think its cute!! I hope u enjoy!! lmk what you think!! looooveee youuuu
“Oh, there is no way.”
Your duffel bag hits the dingy carpet as Spencer is still closing the door behind you.
“What? Is it—”
You give him a look over your shoulder, eyebrows raised as if to say, what are you going to do about this?
But he only manages to meet your eyes for a split second before they’re back to the singular queen bed, darting over the white sheets and pillows like he might find another mattress if he looks hard enough.
Sharing a room with Spencer, you can handle. You've done it before. Whenever the team has to pair up at a hotel, you two are an obvious choice. And while you occasionally butt heads, mostly you adore each other and it's great.
But sharing a bed is a whole other situation.
One you were not prepared for. And evidently, neither is he.
Watching his big anxious eyes flit around the room nervously, you feel sort of bad for your reaction. You know you can be a bit… abrasive, sometimes.
“It’s fine, I’ll just—I’ll see if I can share a bed with Emily or JJ in their room—”
Just then there’s a knock at the door. Spencer looks relieved to have something else to focus on, turning back around and quickly undoing the latch again before opening the door to reveal your favorite raven-haired SSA. Emily leans past the doorjamb, eyes immediately honing in on the awkward sleeping arrangement.
“Oh my god! You guys too?”
“What?” You and Spencer ask at the same time. Emily raises her eyebrows at this and glances between you, but otherwise doesn’t comment.
“Me and JJ only have the one bed. I thought it might just have been us.”
You frown. There goes your plan of sharing a room with them.
“What about Morgan and Garcia?”
Spencer snorts.
“Something tells me Penelope wouldn’t be too torn up about it if that's the case.”
“Hotch and Rossi?”
The room goes quiet and a little chilly as the thought disturbs everyone equally. Emily frowns deeply.
“I don’t even… I can’t picture that.”
“Can we please not try to picture it?”
“Great. Okay, well. I just wanted to make sure everyone is suffering equally. Good luck, champs.”
“Thanks,” Spencer mutters dryly. Emily smiles, eyes darting between the two of you for just a moment too long, before pushing off the door frame and disappearing from sight. Once the door is closed again, a heavy silence ensues. “I’ll… I can take the floor—”
“It’s fine, Spencer. I’m not going to make you sleep on the floor. We’re both grown-ups. Besides, we like each other, right? It’ll be like a slumber party.”
“I’ve never had one,” he admits. His glasses slip further down his nose as he frowns. Your fingers itch to push them back up.
“Then I’m happy to be your first,” you tease, facing him fully with your hand on your hip and barely resisting the urge to add, I’ll be gentle. “Do you want the shower first or can I?”
Spencer has a habit of looking you up and down like he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. Some might find it odd, but his utter lack of social graces is, lucky for him, incredibly endearing to you.
“You can have it first,” he says, meeting your eyes again. “Just don’t do that thing where you get the entire bathroom soaking wet.”
“Aw. But I love doing that. It’s my favorite part,” you tease, scooping up your bag once more.
Twenty minutes later you’re emerging from the bathroom with damp hair, clad in loose shorts and a college hoodie.
“Nice outfit,” Spencer says from the spinny-chair at the desk, examining your outfit choice with a scrutiny you wish you’d been prepared for. Really, you wish you’d known ahead of time you’d have a roommate and brought some alternate sleeping clothes. “I had no idea you felt so passionately about… Scooby Doo?”
“Shut up right now,” you grit, tossing your bag into the corner of the room and tugging your hoodie down over your cartoon-patterned shorts as far as you can.
“What?” He’s laughing as he brushes past you on his way into the bathroom, bearing his own bag. “It’s a good look for you.”
Your face is burning as you choose the side of the bed furthest from the door. Springs creak underneath your weight as you sink down, sitting with your legs hanging off the side for a moment before swinging them up onto the mattress, leaning against the headboard and side-eyeing the empty space next to you. There’s really not very much of it. The bed feels even smaller than it looks.
From the bathroom you hear the sound of the shower squeaking and starting up again—a cacophony of droplets against tile on the other side of the wall. You try not to be nervous as you imagine Spencer filling the space beside you in just a few minutes, hair wet and in pajamas. And yet you spend each second wondering if he’s almost done, wondering if the shower will finally sputter to a halt, and once it does, wondering how long it’ll be before he’s out again. It’s ridiculous how impatient you're getting—and by the time you finally watch the door knob twist you feel crazy.
“I think that was your longest shower yet, Dr. Reid.”
The teasing affords you a moment to ogle him head to toe, taking in his choice of pajamas—tonight, familiar plaid pants and an MIT crewneck—as well as his hair which has already begun to dry. Briefly you wonder if he does that thing guys do, where they lean down and haphazardly dry their hair with a towel because they have no concern for its texture whatsoever. But you kind of doubt it, because his hair always looks so soft.
“You were sitting here waiting for me?” He chuckles, and honestly you’d been expecting a shyer response. But you adapt quickly.
“Maybe I was. Big spoon or little spoon?”
“Ha-ha.” He opens a drawer in the dresser and begins unpacking his clothes into it. It's a funny habit of his. You never unpack your duffel. “You took the better side of the bed.”
“Uh, yeah. I’m the woman. I get to do that.”
“Well you should know that if an intruder breaks in, I’m not fighting him off. You’d probably have a better chance than me.”
“And my chances will be even better if he’s distracted with you first.”
“So I’m just bait?” He scoffs, looking back at you. Strands of wet hair hang so prettily around his face, like the perfect frame around a work of art. You smile sweetly from your spot on the bed before playfully biting at the air in his direction. The message goes unspoken but reads loud and clear. Of course you are. You make such good bait.
That gets a blush out of him and he has nothing else to say as he turns back to his drawer. Happily you lean back against the headboard, stretching your legs out and bouncing slightly in place. Beneath you the mattress springs groan and squeak in protest.
“I hope you're not going to be this irritating all night.”
It's clearly lighthearted, but you promptly stop and frown at his back.
“Call me irritating again and see where you end up sleeping tonight.”
“I just don’t see how you’re even more hyperactive than usual right now. Has anybody ever told you that you’re crepuscular?” Spencer asks, finally sliding the drawer shut and going to shut the overhead light off. Your eyes narrow.
“Obviously nobody has told me that.”
“It means y—”
“I’m most energetic within the few hours around dusk and dawn. Contrary to your belief, Dr. Reid, other people are also capable of looking up words in a dictionary and remembering what they mean. Are you going to stand in the corner all night or are you gonna come to bed?”
“I am,” he scoffs, clearly embarrassed and shy and embarrassed of being shy. “I’m just… you look like you kick in your sleep. And hog the blankets.”
You shrug, folding your knees to your chest and hugging them quaintly.
“I’ve never had any complaints. In fact, you should be so lucky to share a bed with me. All five star reviews, baby.”
You toss a suggestive wink in at the end, which seems garish enough to break the tension so that Spencer can stop lingering in the corner like a sleep-paralysis demon and move to carefully take his place next to you. He almost mirrors your position, but his legs are too long to quite manage your level of compactness and so they simply fold underneath him. A few silent moments go by, in which you have the dumbest smile on your face and you keep glancing over to the side, waiting for him to be looking back at you.
“This is already the least relaxed I have ever been in a bed.”
“Good thing we’re not going to sleep yet.”
Finally he looks at you, a casual mix of hesitance, concern, and moderate curiosity coloring his features.
“We’re not?”
“Oh, my god, Spencer,” you snort. “I’m not gonna molest you. We have to do slumber party stuff, remember?”
He flushes again, glancing at the digital clock in his bedside table.
“But it’s late. We should go to sleep.”
“At slumber parties you have to stay up until you literally can’t keep your eyes open anymore. Those are the rules. I don’t make them.”
Still, your insistence that you follow the international code of sleepover law goes unabided by Spencer. He simply leans over to flick off his lamp, bathing the room in darkness.
“I appreciate the effort,” he says, and your eyes haven’t adjusted but you can hear the rustle of sheets and blankets as he gets under them, “but unfortunately we have to be awake and alert in five hours.”
“You’re no fun,” you huff, but climb under your own side of the cover and scoot down until you’re flat on your back, covered in blanket and hands folded on your sternum.
Spencer doesn’t respond.
It’s silent for maybe five minutes, during which your brain doesn’t slow down at all. Maybe you are crepuscular. Or slightly nocturnal. You have nothing but energy.
In an attempt to get comfortable, you try adjusting your position.
The mattress squeaks.
You do it again.
Another squeak.
A second goes by, and now you’re intentionally jostling about, squeaking the mattress as much as you can.
“Would you stop that?” Spencer says, voice already gravelly with sleep. You manage, but you’re already devolving into a fit of giggles. “I’m going to smother you with this pillow,” he threatens, but you hear the disgruntled smile curling his words.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just not in the mood to rest.”
Another moment passes. He sighs deeply. You smile into the dark.
“What are you in the mood for?” He asks flatly, and you’ve won.
“Tell me a secret,” you immediately demand in a hushed tone, flipping on your side to face his back. “Something you’ve never told anyone else.”
“I don’t—”
“Shh! You have to whisper it. Those are the slumber party rules.”
“I don’t have any secrets,” he whispers, clearly flustered, and to your delight, rolling to face the ceiling. “None that you’d want to hear.”
“Oh, now that’s just not true. You’re an enigma, Spencer Reid. You fascinate me.”
You’re only sort of kidding.
“I… fascinate you?”
“Completely. You know, ever since you moved your desk across from mine I get distracted just staring at you and wondering what you’re thinking about. But you’re very… hard to read, sometimes. I think it’s because you’re a Scorpio.”
“The position of the stars at the time I was born has no bearing on my personality.”
“Fine,” you concede, still in a glorified stage whisper. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t display the archetypal Scorpio traits. You’re all brooding, mysterious. Kinda, I don't know... intense and sexy and unknowable…”
“Sexy?” He laughs, breaking the whisper rule. You grin and let it slide. You’d hoped he would catch that one.
“Hey,” you snap, losing the smile immediately and lightly shoving against what you hope is his shoulder. “You’re supposed to be telling me a secret, damnit. I won’t let your wiles and charm distract me from getting what I want.”
“When have you ever let anything stop you from getting what you want?”
Truly, your cheeks are going to start aching with this constant back and forth between poker-faced and huge Cheshire smile.
“Stop flirting and answer my question, Reid.”
With the amount of times you’ve made him sigh tonight he must be dizzy. You chew your lip apprehensively in the silence, picking a loose thread on your pillow. It’s so pitch black in the room, you can’t see him where he lies only a few meager inches from you. But you can feel his presence. You can feel the unexpected bass to his voice when he’s tired and speaking this lowly, which you’ve never heard before.
“All the secrets I’ve never told anyone are just… depressing.”
Your heart sinks a little at the way he swallows between words, like that in and of itself was hard to admit. Unthinkingly your hand slides into the small gap of white cotton between the two of you.
“Not very good slumber party material, I think,” he laughs self-consciously.
“You’d be surprised.”
The sentiment comes quieter and more serious than you’ve been all night. If only you had the words to tell him that he can tell you anything. That you want to hold his secrets for him under lock and key. That you would never, ever do anything less than offer him kindness and support—even if it doesn’t always seem that way when you’re teasing him.
“Do you have any secrets you’ve never told anyone else?” He murmurs eventually, so soft it could kill you.
And you do. There are plenty of dark ones, probably not all dissimilar from those he’d elected not to share only a moment ago.
But you don’t bring those up.
Instead, you decide to admit to something silly. Still, it makes you nervous as you feel it coming loose in your chest. You’ve really never told anyone this, and it’s perhaps more vulnerable than you’d realized before the words were already leaving your mouth.
“I, have…” You pause to laugh at yourself, and continue on. “I have a stuffed dragon that I take with me on every single case.”
“You do?” Spencer laughs, so loud and unexpected it almost hurts your ears, angling his head toward you. Blood rushes to your face.
“Yes. He usually sleeps in bed with me. He’s an excellent listener and has been the origin of several of my most genius breakthroughs. You remember Gibson Cooper?”
“Family annihilator from Houston?”
“Correct. He’s in prison because Oscar helped me make the Cook Creek Campground connection between the O’Hara and Diangelo families.”
“You have a stuffed profiler dragon named Oscar? Is he here?”
“He’s—I mean, I wasn’t expecting to share a room with someone.”
“So he’s in your bag.”
“Yes,” you seethe, “and I will not be introducing you to him. He doesn’t do well with men.”
“You are genuinely psychotic.”
You huff.
“Fine. I’m sorry I told you anything.”
You’re about to roll over onto your other side—but Spencer surprises you by catching the hand that had been outstretched in his direction. He carefully intertwines your fingers and squeezes gently.
“You’re right. That was mean. Thank you for telling me about Oscar.” His tone is surprisingly teasing, and you’re so uncharacteristically flustered by this rare show of physicality and affection that you can’t muster an adequate comeback. Spencer doesn’t seem to mind filling your silence, though, sounding a little more solemn now. “I’m sorry I don’t have any secrets for you.”
The way his voice gets all thin and scratchy sometimes—it’s like the earnest sincerity just pours out of him. He can’t control it. He can’t be anyone other than who he is. Maybe that’s a part of why you love him so much. You wonder if he knows how much you love him. It’s not exactly a secret—anyone on the team would be able to tell as much. You’ve been relentlessly teased for the way you are with him. For your batting lashes and your lingering touches and your unabashed flirting. But beneath it all is true affection, and nobody doubts that.
“It’s okay,” you decide with a squeeze of your own, after a moment of deliberation. “You’ll think of something. ’Cause, y’know—you’re stuck with me for at least a few more days.”
“Oh, god,” he laughs, and releases your hand, rolling over to face away from you. But you don’t mind. You’ll get lots more time to invade his personal space over the coming week or so. “Goodnight.”
“Sweet dreams,” you sing-song, turning away to face the wall with what is perhaps your biggest, stupidest smile yet.
#spencer reid#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid fic#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid x self insert#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid x you#criminal minds#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds fic#criminal minds imagine
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No bc I need finnick to lovingly scold me over not eating all day and make me food and just be so protectively doting. you slayed with those casual dominance headcanons
thank you gorgeous! I hope u don’t mind, I’m using your ask to post a full blurb based on the hc’s :) I already had it written when you sent this in, and it’s kind of the perfect ask for it so!! thank u <3 here’s the original drabble if anyone wants it
finnick odair x fem!reader / finnick loves you and is bossy
You’re tangled up like a pretzel on the sofa when Finnick finally gets home. He’s been out swimming all morning and you’ve been (rightfully, in your opinion) quite miserable. It’s not your fault you like him so much — he’s lovely and handsome and perfect, and a handful of hours without him has left you a bit of a mess.
He appears in the doorway, the salty breeze following him in. He looks wildly handsome, his golden hair all windswept, his eyes searching for you.
You leap up. “Finnick!”
You swoop on him and he catches you easily, laughing softly as his strong arms wrap around your upper back. He smells like the ocean, salty and crisp, fresh. He hugs you so tight your feet leave the ground.
“Hey, sweetheart,” he says into your hair. You hear the smile in his voice, it’s not hard to miss, and you decide you want to see it, so you pull back. Like you thought, he’s smiling a dazzling smile that combats the sun in its brightness. He’s so happy to see you, and it makes you feel electric.
“Hello,” you say back, your voice sticky with love. You push his pretty hair back from his face, card you fingers through a rogue curl and tuck it behind his ear. His hair’s still thick with salt — hopefully he’ll let you wash it for him tonight. “I missed you.”
Finnick’s grin grows impossible wider. “Mm, I can tell.” He takes his face in your hands, thumbs dragging across your cheekbones. “I missed you, too, pretty girl. What’d you do while I was gone all day, hm?”
You hum something incoherent. You’ve barely heard his question, too caught up in his soft touching, his gentle voice and his lovely names. Your eyelids flutter under his affections. He touches you like you’re something beautiful made of marble, like you’re not just a girl. He certainly doesn’t make you feel like just a girl.
Finnick laughs at your obvious pleasure, your inability to answer his question. “Sounds interesting,” he teases. He gets his hand under your chin and tilts you up gently to look at him properly. “Did you eat already, sweet thing?”
You think about it and realise you honestly can’t remember if you even ate at all today. You shy, because you know what Finnick’s reaction will be. “Um. No?”
Finnick raises his eyebrows. “No? Did you eat at all?”
Barely. You were too busy missing him to think about something so unimportant as food. Has it even been lunchtime yet? “I had half an apple for breakfast,” you admit.
Finnick sighs. His arms drops to your waist, warm and heavy. “It’s half four, honey,” he says. Way past lunch time, then. “You know that’s not good enough.”
He’s only telling you off because he cares, but you still feel awful when he looks at you like that. “Sorry,” you say quietly.
“Hey, don’t be. It’s okay.” He chucks you under the chin and smiles at you. “Sit down, I’ll make you something, okay?”
Finnick starts to move away. You follow, eager to be near him. “I’ll help.”
He looks at you, raising a quizzical brow. “No, you won’t.”
“But—“
“Sweetheart.” He puts a firm hand on your shoulder, pressing down lightly. “I said no. I’ve got it.”
There’s a sort of sternness to his tone that makes your stomach churn. You imagine arguing back would only result in more of it, and though you actually do quite like when he tells you what to do, you don’t want to irritate him. Still, you pout at him dramatically before stalking off to the sofa again.
You hear Finnick chuckling at your dramatics as he disappears into the kitchen. You resume your position of miserable pretzel, curled up and sulking while you listen to the sounds of pots and pans, the tap running, the stove being switched on. It takes less than ten minutes before you get bored and wander into the kitchen. Finnick’s at the sink washing carrots, his back to you, with all the ingredients for your favourite soup laid out on the counter.
You try to be as inconspicuous as possible as you pull out a chopping board and a knife. You only get so far as to have them both in your hands before Finnick’s on you like a hawk.
“Y/N,” he says, sounding exasperated but unsurprised. He comes up behind you to take the knife from your hand, sets it on the bench and then turns you around by the shoulders. He pushes you back towards the living room. “Do you ever listen?”
Even though he’s technically scolding you, you can hear the amusement in his question. He’s not mad. You might even say he’s having fun.
“Finnick,” you whine, struggling to stay put with his manhandling. You dig your heels into the floor, though you know it won’t work because he’s really strong when he wants to be. “Can I at least sit with you? It’s lonely without you.”
Finnick stops in his efforts to steer you out of the kitchen. There’s a pause, and then he sighs, and you know you’ve won.
“Alright, yes,” he says, in a tone that suggests admitting defeat. “Fine, you can sit with me.”
You spin around in his arms, pleased.
“But you’re not allowed to lift a finger,” he says, hands on your shoulders keeping you firmly in place. “I’ll do the cooking. You just sit and look pretty for me, okay?”
You beam. At least it’s something. And at least you get to sit with him, if anything. “Okay.”
Finnick looks at you with something akin to amused affection for a handful of seconds, and then shakes his head, smiling. “You always get your way, don’t you?” He asks softly, almost as if he’s talking to himself. His warm hand strokes a path down your neck and over the slope of your shoulder.
You want to tell him that it’s not your fault he’s always giving you what you want. You don’t think that kind of attitude would bode well for you being allowed in the kitchen.
#★ mal writes!#finnick odair#finnick odair blurb#finnick odair x reader#finnick odair imagines#finnick odair blurbs#finnick odair imagine#finnick odair fic#finnick odair drabbles#finnick odair drabble#finnick odair headcanons#finnick odair fanfic#finnick odair fanfiction#finnick odair x you#finnick odair x y/n#finnick odair x fem!reader#finnick odair fluff#finnick odair x reader fluff#finnick odair oneshot#finnick odair oneshots#finnick odair x female reader#thg finnick#thg finnick x reader#thg finnick x you#thg finnick x y/n#thg finnick x fem!reader#thg#thg series#thg x reader#thg x you
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