#IM SO SCARED OF HURTING PEOPLES FEEINGS???

[heyitslapis]

its times like this when i really wish i had an SO's shoulder to cry on

Because I think i factrued/sprained my foot the other day it happened wednesday but its still pretty swollen and pops when i try to walk on it without hobbling. i know i signed up for health insurance through work. i wrote down the insurance company name as Bayside and I have my personal insurance id number but the card never came in/got lost in the mail (and i already called for one replacement that never came so idk if theyll send me a third) so i cant confirm the insurance name nor call them, but i need to because ive called/visited 5 health care facilities around me and NONE of them have even heard of Bayside. So im calling the phone number that my manager provided me with telling me that was the insurance company. I keep calling the number (and mind you ive called them before to try to get a second insurance card sent to me but that was in like April) and i get that its saturday but theres no answer and the stupid automated machine wont let me leave a voicemail. the automated answering voice on the phone also says that theyre called National Benefit Plans by SafetyNet and google says the phone number im using belongs to National Benefit Plans out in San Antonio Tx (i live no where near there). I found National Benefit Plans' website on SafetyNetPlus dot com but National Benefit Plans doesnt have their own website, just through SafetyNet, and also the SafetyNet website says on a side panel that "this is NOT insurance" and instead keeps saying "health benefits" instead so idk what the fuck ive been paying for for the last 6 months tbh and im having an emotional breakdown bc i dont want to fuck my foot up for life just cause i couldnt figure out my health insurance/benefits shit

[forsakenmissives]

just need to work this all out

ok so im unemployed fresh college grad atm and ive got job apps sent in and even an interview lined up but that interview is in the town my dad is in so im staying with my dad but in the time ive spent waiting for that date ive been with an employment agency but the job that place sent me to was the absolute worst and my mental health has plummeted to the point that i’m getting physically sick both bc of the job and bc i feel like i have to keep looking over my shoulder with my dad right there.

i skipped work saturday and today which is insanely immature but i cant think im struggling to sleep and eat bc of this and today i emailed the agency saying i wish to end our agreement. they said they wished i gave a notice (tbf i thought i had when i was like “i’m moving away” on saturday.. but whatever. actually not whatever — that shouldntve been discounted and im not entirely at fault here) but that they wish me the best and i said thank you and sorry for the inconvenience.

earlier last week when i told dad this job is really bad for me he told me to stay working there until i get another job secured. i did not do that and now im terrified of telling him that i quit bc i dont know what hes going to do plus i dont want to talk about it with him i just want to be left alone

also this interview ive got lined up is for a really great company however i dread working there bc that means i have to stay with dad. i want to go back to where i used to live. also i dont like that one of the high up workers there is friends with my dad. being a nepo baby is great unless the nepo comes from my dad. i dont trust him to not keep tabs on me and i dont want him knowing what ive been doing or where ive been. not that im doing anything illegal i just want him to fuck off, yknow?

all of this leads back to the problem ive always had in that hes a huge control freak who needs to know everything going on in my life and i cant escape. my mom got out through the divorce but im still stuck here and i cant leave either bc even if i cant breathe with him and his wife and their kids i love my paternal grandparents and aunt and uncle. im just so paranoid and anxious and i feel like i cant breathe

im so sick of disappointing people but also the stuff my dad is proud of me about is stuff im not that proud of. its like i just cant win with him.

oh and paranoia aside i dont want to owe him anything bc he used to ignore me for months despite me calling and messaging him constantly (to the point that my mom was like “do you even love me? do you even want to be here do you even care?”) when he took me out for dinner one of the times he decided to acknowledge me he said he’d pay for a field trip (past the time the fee was due so i had to get special permission from the teacher) then the next week he said i only talk to him when i need money so actually no hes not giving me anything. WHAT. and then a couple years later he was like “i never got to be your parent you never let me be your dad :(“ and when i was like “why” he was like “i had to always go have fun with you instead of discipline you bc i didnt want our time together to be all sad and me getting mad at you” like again. WHAT.

he said that bc i was like “i was rly hurt when you said i only come to u for money bc i reached out to u a lot and u never replied”. so. idk what to do with that but i still dont rly understand the argument from him here. but yeah i was like rly hurt and then he started crying talking about how he never got to be my dad even tho i was like 19 when this convo happened so he had 19 years to try and didnt and its rly unfair that im supposed to feel guilty for denying him this even tho i was the child and he had total control he could decide what to do with me and he chose wrong and now hes taking it out on me here in this restaurant. ok.

its so fucked cuz now im like so was i doing something wrong all those times we were tgt? like idk im just scared around him bc i dont ever know if im doing something wrong bc he wont tell me or maybe he will or maybe he . idk i just cant sit still yknow?

also his wife is racist and ive got to deal with microaggressions from her. and hes a pastor

anyway i just needed to get that all out there to feel a bit less crazy. thank you for coming to my ted talk ✌️😗

OH YEAH. and he makes me feel stupid all the fucking time like i dont need a job right now. i Should get one but i dont have a mortgage im not buying groceries i dont need to pay for insurance I DONT NEED A JOB. but he told me to stay in this shitass job bc i need it. dude it had me out in the sun all day (ALL DAY) paying $10/hr and had me coming home genuinely thinking about killing myself. not even bc of the physical labor but bc it was so under-stimulating like i was in my head all day no music no interesting surroundings no conversation nothing for me to solve. and he was all like “well sometimes we have to do work that we don’t like” YEAH I FUCKING KNOW DICKHEAD. my mom said he talked like that to her too and also apparently ok not to brag bc im fr not but im rly smart like im fucking brilliant and my dad always acted like it was bc of him but my mom’s other kids are also brill while my dad’s other kids are… theyre sweet kids and intelligence isnt everything im aware i know but its like “really dickhead?” i just hate how he belittles u and talks like ur dumb. im not dumb. dont piss me off

[coeurify]

did your nipple piercings hurt? ive been wanting to get them for forever but im scared😭 i got my belly button pierced a while ago and it hurt like a bitch so it makes me even more scared to get my titties pierced

honestly, yea they hurt. it wasn’t as bad as people make it sound (like screaming crying pain) but the second nip is much worse bc you’re tensed up. first nip is like 6/10 and second is like 8/10. but the pain is really really quick. probably 5-10 seconds. its sore for the next days but thats it(long healing time tho). i think its SO worth it too. a fee seconds of pain for lots of sexiness LOL

[areyouafraid]

I hope it doesnt seem like its defeating the point to bitch about it on a public forum but like ughhhh like. as someone who struggles with suicidal ideation dont take this as me saying you should never talk to your friends about how youre feeing / youre a bad person if you ask for help but also like thats also not really what it was. Looking back i do genuinely believe it was facetious i do believe she was lying about hurting herself so i would feel bad for her its not out of the realm of possibility that she was seriously depressed or had some kind of mental illness but like. Its just not what people who are suicidal typically do. i would be having a good day for once and like keep in mind i have my own fucking problems at this point in time too and she would just randomly message me like DALLAS DALLAS IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!!! IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW IM SERIOUS!!!! i genuinely believe in my heart of hearts she only did it to get compliments & sympathy out of me. I would cry like i seriously thought this crazy bat was my friend and i got so scared she would kill herself. Of course she never did or all her Very Real Suicide Attempts that Definitely Happened that she made sure to tell me about would miraculously fail almost as through divine intervention. and it did make me feel like a fucking monster when i started to feel apprehensive about getting messages from her and sometimes i would even DARE to just ignore her and pretend i didnt get her 5th breakdown of the month and be like Oh i was sleeping sorry. No i really want to talk you out of this again like my life would be horrible without you in it

[moonlight15sworld]

I’m sorry…

 i’m sorry I’m not good enough

I’m sorry that I’m not perfect enough

I’m sorry that I’ve been responsible and manipulative

I’m sorry that I’m not the daughter that you’ve always wanted the perfect and pretty daughter

I’m sorry that I hurt myself

I’m sorry that I lied to you

I’m sorry that no matter how many times I tell you I’m sorry I still feel so guilty

I’m sorry I act the way I do

I’m sorry that I’m breaking and I’m broken and I put on this front

I’m sorry that you’ll never understand how I truly fee

I’m sorry that I’m so stubborn and selfish

I’m sorry that I can’t remember a lot of things that happened

I’m sorry that I’m not skinny and athletic

I’m sorry that I’m not a pushover and I stand up for what I believe in

I’m sorry that I’m terrified of doctors and needles

I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain

I’m sorry that I complain a lot

I’m sorry that I looked for a way to end it all

I’m sorry that I don’t listen to your advice

I’m sorry that I am finally feeling proud about myself and I’m not going to let you bring me down

I’m sorry that I brag and can seem entitled

I’m sorry that I am human I’m not a machine that I can be passed around like I have no emotions

I’m sorry that I flinch every time im around people

I’m sorry that I’m so antisocial

I’m sorry that I don’t go outside all the time

I’m sorry that I say sorry all the time

I’m sorry for being petty and bothering you over the smallest things

I’m sorry for hurting you because I don’t listen or argue

I’m sorry person with emotions I am not a tool order around

I’m sorry that I have my own opinions about what happens to me in my body

I’m sorry that I don’t participate in PE

I’m sorry that I feel guilty for so much

And I’m sorry I’ll never tell you this because I don’t want to hurt you

I’m sorry that I’m only 13 and I’m not an adult

I’m sorry but I want to have a life and be happy

I’m sorry that I make things difficult for you

And I’m sorry that I can’t trust you

I’m sorry that I can be overbearing and overprotective even though I never listen to your advice

I’m sorry that I’m scared of you

I’m sorry that you have caused so much trauma in my life but no matter how hard I try to forgive you I’ll never forget it

I’m sorry that I don’t agree with your opinions

I’m sorry that I want to be a teen

I’m sorry that I’m childish

I’m sorry that I was born

I’m sorry that I can’t let things go

I’m sorry that I am not old enough to protect you that I can only stand there and listen to everything

I’m sorry that I worry about you all the time

I’m sorry that I hurt myself and I’m sorry that you found out

Are you sorry recovery isn’t going as smoothly as we hoped

I’m sorry that I am afraid of men

I’m sorry I’m not perfect

I’m sorry that I make myself sick over the stupidest things

I’m sorry that I want my birthday to be about me

I’m sorry better better how much are you love you I won’t ever be able to forgive you

I’m sorry that I lie to you every morning

I’m sorry for everything

[dsk0fx]

My thoughts feel very all over the place and our of control right now I have too much in mt.head and it is confusing I feel angry at so many insignificant things. My head is spinning. I've never been this fucking dysphoric before I feel so shit in and about myself I'm an absolute fucking wreck I've put on so much weight I feel so awful about mysekr even though I know I am healthier now I can't look at myself in a mirror inhate my apperance I hate my hair I hate the fact I feel like I don't have a personality or any sense of self I don't know what I like or how I want to look or dress and I hate it my dysphoria is killing me I'm constantly paranoid about my period starting again I cannot be calm I need to change something about myself binding is killing me it hurts so bad ans icant regulate my temperature and I feel like my T isn't doing jack shit the gender clinic are being fuckin useless I need top surgery ans hysto I feel so out of control of everything I hate it so much I need my chest to be flat I need to pass I need my hair to be good I need to be clean I need to be clean I am not clean I need to be clean I am not taking care of myself at all ans like.i am getting so angry irrationally and protective over how Jakes been treated bad in the past it makes me irate I want to hurt anyone that has ever made him feel any bad feeling I feel so possessive n protective over him lately he is mine and only mine and the fact it's not always been that way is infuriating to me rn. Idk if it's bc he's been sick n I've gone into over protective mode or what but idk. I feel so out of control I duxking hate this I think I need to go back on my meds but I'm not sure. I don't even know who I am anymore any sense of identity is slipping away from me because I try to shove myself into boxes but I don't fit into one certain subculture n it's killing me even tho I know it's literally no big deal but I feel like if I don't I'll get judged and have to be a certain way so I feel like I have no personality of my own and don't know what ahy of my own interests of likes are because I just moulf to people around me and I need to stop smoking but I can't but im almost out of baccy

but it's the only thing making my head shut up and feel calm right now and I literally feel.like I cannot function I am so overwhelmed by everything right now I hate it so much I feel like.im.never seeing Jake right now eieher because he's at work so much and burnt out and I miss him I miss him I don't feel good at all I feel like I am going insane and I want it to stop I've been having really bad sh urges and I've been able to not so far but I'm scared but I've been drinking again and I'm trying to stop because I don't want to get dependent on drigs or alcohol again but addiction is wireed into me because of how severe my fucking ADHD is I can't help it and I need to not but my gp won't give me any of my meds and adult services arnwt willing to help or do shit until I'm 25 bx of my auriam and I dont know what's going on with the gender clinic or Mt t ans I'm so stressed everything feels too much right now my head won't stop it won't be quiet I hate it I cand motivate myself to do anything I'm a failure and a let down and not good at anything and don't even know why I am still here I cabr work im so mentally fucked in the head I can't even get a job I am useless and worthless and my.life feels hoplwss like I'm never going to do ajytbing with it I hate my head I hate my brain I hate myself I have every single little thing about myself I do not feel like a person I feel so far dissociated and depersonalized and derealizeed I feel like a feral animal trapped in a cage scratching and clawinh trying to escape until my skin is raw and I am bleeding I want to rip mt.skin off I donf feel human I am not okay please somebody bwlp me I don't want to wakw Jake up I don't feel okay I don't feel okay I don't feel okay I hate this I just want it to stop I just want to feel okay I want to feel like an actual human being and not an angry terrified animal

[silkythewriter]

General dating headcanons for Legoshi, Louis, Gouhin, Yafya, and Gosha?

General dating headcanons for Legoshi, Louis, Gouhin, Yafya, and Gosha!

Summary: this is a General dating headcanons for Legoshi, Louis, Gouhin, Yafya, and Gosha! Enjoy <3

Author note: Hi! Okay so some of they characters I don’t know very well but I’ll try! So I apologize for any Grammar/Spelling mistakes or if they are OOC

Daily song suggestion:

🐺Legoshi🐜

This baby boy is so timid he’s very quiet so talking with him can be like talking to air because sometimes you don’t get a response. He’s not being rude don’t get me wrong! It’s just he’s spends so much time listening that he forgets to answer

He likes picking random flowers for you of any kind!, he even picks out all the little bugs for you but he just puts them on a new flower cause he doesn’t have the heart to hurt them

He doesn’t really like eating lunch together cause he has to show his sharp teeth and he gets scared if you look at them for to long, even if your a Carnivores or Omnivores it still triggers something inside him

You have to defend him from rude,nasty comments cause I feel like most of the time he won’t stand up for himself. He tells you not to cause he doesn’t want you to get insulted or worse but you have to reassure him your fine

If your comfortable with it he would love to show you the bugs he found and let you hold them! But if you don’t like bugs that’s completely fine too but if there’s one you want to kill he probably won’t do it he’ll just grab em and put it outside where it can touch you

Loves rambling about bug facts and such but if he notices you getting bored or he’s rambling for too long he’ll shut up right away

He does get protective if needed too even if your bigger then him and stronger that doesn’t matter to him he just worry’s a lot

Overall all a bit timid and shy but he will defend you when needed too he’s really sweet <3.

🦌Louis💵

First of all get ready to run from the angry fan girls if they ever find out about your relationship 🏃💨

You guys most likely keep it the relationship a secret for both of you and Louis sake and status because people would go wild if they found out about you guys

He’s a gentleman most of the time so expect him opening the doors for you or giving you flowers and other stuff even if your a man or non-binary etc

Loves buying you small or big things like roses to chocolates or a Diamond ring or anything else you can want, You can also ask and he’ll gladly buy you whatever you need!

Makes you always watch his performances he always save you a seat in the front row just so he can make sure your there he says he preforms better knowing your there

I feel like he’s one of those boyfriends that when you text them about ANYTHING his already there even if he isn’t needed like let’s say you texted “I love you” he’ll show up at your door with gifts to say I love you back

He loves playing with your hair/fur it’s soothing to him he’ll even detangle anything ( with Care of course ) also loves to put something in it to decorate it like flowers and such

He makes sure your under control and is kinda strict sometimes like let’s say your up at 1AM or so he’ll force you to go to sleep because it’s important to get a full nights rest even if he sometimes doesn’t get it himself

Overall a very chill and caring boyfriend but can be distant sometimes but most of the times he’s always there for you!

🐼Gohin🎋

I feel like he’s very blunt about stuff so if he doesn’t like it or feels annoyed by someone/something he won’t hesitate to speak up about it

Im guessing he somewhat knows medical stuff so he will definitely take care of you himself if the injury isn’t that major

Doesn’t let you go out alone ESPECIALLY at night thats when the streets get even more dangerous

Depending on how long you guys are in a relationship, he’ll let you trace he’s scar you just gotta be careful

Legoshi once met you by accident in the store and you guys talked for a bit before you started talking about your boyfriend

I feel like he’s actually probably a good cook so he’ll definitely show you how to cook or just make you something

Gives you a small pocket knife when ever you go alone just in case he gets worried

Won’t ambit it but loves when you rub his head or ears it soothes him a lot

Overall a bit over protective but for good reasons he knows how cruel the world can be and he just wants to protect you from it

WARNING:The characters below are EXTREMELY outta character I’m assuming cause I know basically nothing about them cause I just got into the fandom a few weeks ago so I apologize! So sorry!

🐴Yafya⚖️

He seems nice and friendly but behind the scenes i feel like he isn’t much

Like Gohin he’s probably protective aswell and just a inch more intense

He lets you brush his his mane once in awhile when you guys have time to chill out with each other!

Maybe a romantic? I’m not sure but he’s definitely get you some gift here and there as a surprise!

“Why the long face?” “Y/n I swear to god if you say that one more time-“

He has many enemies so due to that he most definitely has to keep this relationship under wraps and has to make you Care at least a small weapon Just in case something happens

he barely eats any un healthy, he basically only eats healthy foods he won’t force you to join but he would love if you did he’d even make some food for you!

He sometimes likes to put his coat on you when you get cold so you don’t freeze

Overall a pretty good boyfriend! Just hard to be with due to all the enemies he has but you guys make it work

🦎Gosha🦎

He’s real calm and probably has a lot of patience especially if you guys are fighting or your mad

Legoshi loves you to death and likes to hang out with you when he can

I don’t know much about him but I feel like he has a past you probably do t know about and probably one he doesn’t wanna tell you

Like Legoshi he’s probably someone who would rather avoid conflict than face it head-on so in arguments it could be a bit annoying

Even with this in mind when it comes to his family he’d put that aside he cares about them deeply

He spends most of his time with you and would probably like to stay that way I feel like he wouldn’t mind hanging around other people but he’d prefer to stay around you most of the time

Overall a bit like legoshi I think they kinda share the same personality in my eyes

Sorry this took so long! I’ve had a busy week also sorry if they are OOC I’ve only been in this fandom for a bit so I don’t know much about the characters I still hope you enjoyed!

[keepingthehopealive]

I have not benefited from the IOP, and its just more exhausting and not worth it. The head of the program wanted to help me find a therapist before I stop the program and did give me some people to reach out to. Shes left the door open for me to come back if I want to or I can be done. Which I appreciate, but I also don't think I'm gonna go back.

Looking for a new therapist has been an absolutely exhausting process. Almost no one is taking new patients, have my availability..not to mention that now 2 therapists have said given my symptoms they don't believe it would be safe or ethical to see me outpatient. Which is so defeating. All of it.

I ended up making am intake with a therapist through something called Thriveworks. The only way I can describe it is a "therapy chain". It seems sketchy to me. You have to pay a monthly fee for all these "perks", in addition to co-pays. Im gonna give it a try, because it offers more support (or so they say) and the therapist I set up an appt with looks good and like we could be a good match. My psychiatrist said she has a former coworker that works for a thriveworks office and has positive things to say, and that she thinks this will be the future of mental health care, and that it will offer me a higher level of care without having to go to the hospital. The IOP also referred me to them. Has anyone here has any experiences with it (they are nationwide)? That appt isn't for a few weeks.

I'm seeing my (possibly soon to be former?) Therapist tomorrow for the first time in about a month and she has no idea any of what's been going on. I'm not sure how I feel about seeing her (virtually) again tomorrow. Scared, anxious, excited...all of it. I just hope it goes OK and we can properly terminate.

Speaking of termination, it's been 2 years now since K and the pain still cuts just as deep, and is all triggered right now. I feel so alone with it all which just hurts worse.

My psychiatrist has been a godsend. She does so much for me and has been there through every difficult week/day. I appreciate her so much.

I'll do a pt 2 about none therapy updates since this is long

[babysizedfics]

Back at it again with a couple more HC prompts, which imma just dump in one, and you can pick which ones you want. Puddles with the kiddos, family baking sessions when both are regressed, Ro wanting attention whilst Logan is reading, so climbing all over his book, how their reactions to new stuffies differ, regressed versus non-regressed birthdays.... Etc... 👍

okokokokok buckle up everyone

Puddles:

this is the only one where i have to be like .. i don't think so :0 see virgil can get very nervous when it rains because he's so anxious about 'is it gonna storm? will there be thunder? will we be hit by lightning? will there be a flood? what if one of us slips and hurts our head??' that he just cannot relax enough to be able to jump around in puddles because 'WHAT IF I SLIP IM GONNA DIE' and the wetness on his skin sets off the wrong sensory feelings so jumping in muddy puddles is a no for him (as much as he loves peppa pig)

and roman is a fussy little thing, he may not care as much for his appearance when he's small but i think he will still be conscious enough to notice if he gets wet hair and muddy clothes - plus i feel like roman's mood is quite tied to the weather, on dark days he tends to fee a little more gloomy, ao again not sure about this especially if he wouldn't have his baby brother there with him

Baking:

OH BOY so roman is a great cook okay? like chef level he has honed his skills so that he can make romantic meals for handsome princes, but baking? nu uh, too technical, he ain't got time for that. Patton is the baker of the house and makes cookies and cupcakes way too often for Logan's liking (but secretly he loves them of course, he's just concerned for everybody's teeths) but both CGs will cook dinner when the boys are little

When the boys are regressed they're not allowed much in the kitchen anymore. after roman tried to make breakfast in bed for his CGs and started a very small but very real fire he has lost some kitchen rights (ficlet coming to you at some point perhaps) and is not allowed in the kitchen without at least one CG. even if he can switch so quickly between headspaces, he ends up either 1) too stubborn to come out of little space, or 2) a kittle bit clumsy when he comes out of it

but to make up for roman being upset by this slight loss of independence (he is a big kid after all) patton and he do weekly baking sessions! and there's always a theme. most recently they had animal crossing themed cupcakes, a little mermaid themed jello (not technically baking but roman wanted to but little fish gummies in the jelly), and... the next one is a secret because i might put it in chapter 7 (: in fact chapter 7 will feature the first instance of this tradition!!

virgil has pyrophobia (fear of fire) and so is never keen to be in the kitchen while there's food preparation going on (but he was allowed to help with the under the sea jello!!) so roman and pattons baking sessions are an excuse for mama and baby bonding time! the tradition didn't start until after virgil's separation anxiety from patton had eased up a little so luckily there's barely any tears

mama baby bonding time consists of but is not limited to: sitting on mama's lap, doing puzzles together, (vee trying to suck on a puzzle piece and crying when he's told not to), mama reading baby books to vee, vee touching all the textures and flaps in the baby books, snuggles

Ro wanting attention while Lo is reading:

this is 1000% canon!! later in the series logan will often be at work in his room and have the boys with him because patton is busy with something or another. they realise they really do need to keep working for thomas' sake but manage to integrate the boys' littlespaces into it. Eg. logan dangling baby plastic keys from one hand to amuse girgil while he's typing with the other

but when it's quiet time, when patton is in virgil's room because the baby is having a nap and papa wants to watch over him, when roman hasn't been little because he's been working or simply not in the mood earlier that day, when logan is just chilling, just reading a stephen hawking book in the living room, when he's literally just vibing, roman can and will launch himself into logan's lap sending the book flying and logan isn't allowed to tell him off because 'I'm little now! i want attention now!! hi mom!!!!'

New stuffies:

AHHHHHHHHH this this this is so so cute!!

roman never used to care much for soft toys before okay? before he was ever a little sure he appreciated disney action figures (he used them to block out scenes he wrote for theatre productions and screenplays and fanfiction) sure he always had a soft spot for Mrs Fluffybottom his childhood toy, but she always just sat on a shelf, he never fet the need to cuddle her or play with her

but when he realises he's little, when he starts playing with vee, when he sees how much vee cares about his soft animals, when patton and logan buy him a present to welcome him to the littlespace family and it's a golden teddy bear (soon to be named Aladdin) with big brown beady eyes and a satin crimson bow around its neck? yeah big kids love stuffies too

and now whenever roman is gifted a new toy (soft or otherwise) he essentially gets the zoomies!!! his brain is going a million miles a minute with all the game possibilities and with the excitement of NEW PRESENT!!! and with the happiness that his caregivers thought about him and he's been a good enough boy to deserve gifts?? yeah he's so so so excited he canNOT stand still he runs around the house for a whole hour flinging his new toy around (yeah he's a bit rough with them and there's been more than one torn limp or loose eye but he doesn't care it just shows how much they're loved!)

Now virgil: this boy is very very very emotionally attached to his stuffies. when he was a "dark side" he couldn't have much soft stuff because it just went against everything the household stood for and he couldn't risk the others finding out about how not-scary he really was, but he allowed himself a single stuffed rabbit that was easy to hide and that he loved with all of his being. it was his security blanket and his one item that could offer him comfort in a oanic attack and his only posession that he felt was true to him and not true to the scary facade he put up to scare thomas and the "light sides" into listening to him

without spoiling anything, that bunny was left in that house when he moved to the "light sides"

and in his new home virgil started collecting soft toys whenever he needed comfort. everytime he felt unwanted, every time he had an anxiety attack, everytime there was a thunderstorm predicted for the next week he would get himself a new soft toy because that was the only way he knew to comfort himself. needless to say he's got a pretty big collection now. you might think he became desensitized to new toys because of how many times he had gotten himself a new one, and you might be partly right.

that is until for the first time ever he is given a stuffie by someone else... when logan buys him a soft toy in apology for accidentally revealing his regression to everyone ((yes i am writing this fic!))

it wasn't really logan's fault, virgil should have been more aware he should have been more careful he should have hidden it all better but the logical side was guilt-ridden nonetheless. virgil hadn't expected much to be honest, the sincere apology was enough for him

but when logan blushed and shyly opened a box and handed him a black cat stuffie? virgil had to fight very very hard not to outright sob on the spot. he simply took it, thanked logan shakily, and prayed that logan didn't point out the fact that tears were falling onto the fluff of his new stuffed friend Jiji

now whenever he gets a new toy it's different than before - it's not because he's upset and needs comfort, it happens less often now but it's more special, it could be for a holiday or as a way of saying he's been very sweet or just because patton simply couldn't resist this one because look at its cute lil eyes! but each and everytime he knows when he is handed a new toy by one of his family members it really means 'i love you'

and he buries his face in its softness - it used to be to hide his tears, but now he just can't help but squeeze it tight and close and let the feeling of love wash over him

Birthdays:

yknow that episode of steven universe where steven wears a regal cape and a golden crown? yeah that's roman whether he's little or not

seriously this kid is very much the 'it's my birthweek!' type

lots of singing, lots of 'but i'm the birthday boy!!' to try to get thtings he really shouldn't be getting (like a third cookie) (and yes patton caves every single time) (patton is eventually banned from making decisions on romans behalf during his "birthweek")

there's not much difference at all between little romans birthday and big romans birthday, he's just an excitable boy whether he's a kiddo or not - this may or may not make the caregivers question whether maybe he actually was a little before virgil's regression was revealed

(irrelevant but patton definitely makes the pun 'you're a little? a little what? finish your sentences silly billy!')

virgil hates his birthday. hates it.

too much attention, too many things that could go wrong, too much pressure on it being a good day. what if his anxiety is bad that day? what if he doesn't want everyone watching him open presents? what if he's genuinely terrified that people think walking towards him with a big grin, singing at him, and carrying a cakeful of literal fire is a somehow a fun activity??

when he first moved into the house he made it very clear that he does not have a birthday so don't even try to throw him a party

naturally roman and patton were devastated, but after a failed attempt at getting virgil to enjoy his birthday they obeyed logan's request that they not try to push the idea on virgil any further

but the first birthday after they become a little family, it's a bit different

they don't push it, not at first, but virgil does wake up to patton already in his room and cooing at him adoringly , immediately sending him into his regressed headspace

then he's given a new soft toy. that wasn't so bad

then roman let him choose what disney film they watched. that wasnt bad either

then logan cuddled him for an hour and they might have fallen asleep together not noticing the smell of vanilla coming from the kitchen

then there was a new paci, a new rattle, another new soft toy, and cake cut up into tiny squares so he could nibble on it with his fingers

there was no loud singing no big surprises no bright lights or fire or anything else that he hated about birthdays

there was only love and toys and comfort. so virgil really didn't mind birthdays much after that

[sevenincubistolemyheart]

I saw you call yourself a teen wolf slut so with that in mind who is your favorite/least favorite teen wolf character and why👀😏

Gasp!

You...ooh this is so hard!!

Teen Wolf is actually my favorite show of all time so...I can't help myself I'm doing top 3 favorites and top 3 least IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER i can't choose between my 3 loves-

Okay, here we go! Hope this is to your liking anon!

Favorites:

Stiles Stillinski(but especially Void):

Ohhh Stiles. Dylan O'Brien is still my favorite actor of all time to this day for this role. The one actor I follow and watch every movie he's in. What a genius. I'm serious.

His body language? Spot on. Expressions? Memorable as heck. Line delivery? Amazing. Acting ability? Astronomical.

Normal Stiles already had such a fucking RANGE; from sarcastic and funny to depressed to excitable to hateful. Ugh. Brilliant. And then Void came in and it was like something in him literally snapped. I've still never seen anything like it. He looks so...so at home in his role as Void. Part of what makes him unnerving as shit in my opinion.

Truly masterful.

...and yet another one to owe my fear kink to after Scream and Billy Loomis. Blame him for Void being in Tainting Purity. Important to note that although his name is Void and he uses Dylan O'Brien as a face claim he actually isn't the one from the show. He's still his own character. I just...had to use Dylan because he was so perfect. 😅

Allison Argent:

I made the tough decision to replace Aidens spot on this list with my girl. She's...so me it hurts. Her monologue about not wanting to weak is still something I'll go watch when I feel lost. All the female characters of this show helped shape a lil piece of who I am but she had the biggest relatability at first and damn did it stick. Right to the very end. 😭

Issac Lahey:

So...Issac was a BIG self comfort for me. Nearly every character in this show can and is that for me but him especially shhh. Isaac's story deeply touched me with his father. I went through some stuff as you guys may have seen earlier today although not physical or half as intense as Issacs. It still served as this reminder that I wasn't alone.

And seeing him develop connections, slowly open up, fight through his trauma to create HIS family?

Damn. That shit got me.

Also; I may have been desperate to be ler'd and/or absolutely reamed by him and Aiden since that one scene in the track field. Curse my love of Bully/Bullied but sign me tf up- give me a protective, friend Issac which Aiden picks up on and then wants her for himself. Competition endues until eventual threesome at Readers behest.

Least Favorite(This kinda turned into a second fave list whoops-)

Little note that I find something to like in nearly every character so even the people here have good in some regard!

Gerard:

Ah Gerard. There from the beginning there to the end. What a crafty son of a gun...lucky for us Scott was craftier and had his friends to back him up hn?

His first use with the Kanima was probably my favorite but he was just...so evil ugh. And not in the good way. It was between him and Monroe and he won out since he was around so much longer.

Peter:

...Peter is that guy everyone hates to love but does anyway XD. His dry sarcasm and banter with Stiles are iconic- BUT his morals are grey as shitttttt. And he's selfish as Hell. Which I mean, fair. But still.

Theo:

Okay I needed to get my evil sadist baby on the list somehow okay-!? I fear him and I love that he makes me scared and feeds my filthy fear kink gonna be honest. Was in love from the very first twist scene with his "parents". Need to be wrecked by him and Void yesterday!

...maybe I have a lil bit of a villain threesome need with this show whoops 🤷‍♀️

Honorable mention to Ducalion because Gideon Emery is another fave of mine(him, Cody(Theo) and Tyler(Derek) actually just worked together on FF7 remake fun fact. I screamed and was so proud they all killed it!) And his ark was AMAZING. That ending with Scott? PLEASE.

Same to Ethan, and more begrudgingly Jackson. Didn't really earn it thanks to the lack of screen time but I'll give it to 'im cause of Ethan and that iconic scene from the last season as well as their chemistry.

Let's see...oh Derek and Lydia of course. Scott as well as Melissa. Gods, Chris too...too many good characters like I said 🤣.

...Also Danny. My baby boy deserved better. Much as I loved my 2nd gay baby Corey Danny was the OG and we never got any explanation for why he knew about supes. I headcanon that he's a Seer personally!

Okay this got super long! Hope you like it dear anon like I said it's my fave show so fee free to ask anything you like! I have tons of fandoms guys so chat me up about Miraculous Ladybug, Undertale, Xenoblade Chronicles 1 and 2(haven't finished 1 yet but have 2), Scream(horror in general), and Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts and Zelda games! Oh and The World Ends With You of course!

Okay have a great day y'all gonna doze but I'll answer everything when I'm back up at 7!

I'm looking forward to lots of asks hopefully~

[normal-thoughts-official]

Okay hi can i just pls throw out this idea i have in my head because i have literally zero friends to talk about malec with and i love your blog fhksghs but anyway i have this headcanon that alec is autistic because like, he's kind of stiff in his movements and he's straight to the point matter of fact but he's so very very empathetic and he feels so much and maybe he's been masking his entire life because his way of being is "Wrong" (and on top of that he gay) and people beside his siblings (1)

don't really get him and honestly the fact that he doesn't always find the words to express himself especially when he's scared and upset makes sense and maybe with the masking thing the only way of stimming he's ever allowed himself is that jerky lil hand shake thing he does or the pinching of the skin between his fingers. also!! im thinking that's why he's so good at archery and not AS good at hand to hand combat because archery doesn't take as much coordination and he noticed it was easy for him so he kind of hyperfixated on it as a kid and it never really left and it makes sense with the self harm thing. it's so common for autistic kids to take out their frustrations and sadness on themselves and if alec doesn't allow himself to stim that jittery energy might just turn into frustration and anger he doesn't understand or know what to do with so causing pain to get it out becomes the only way he knows how to cope. anyway THE POINT i'm trying to make is i've kind of adopted the headcanon that magnus has adhd as well so he kind of complements alec where he struggles and the other way around and as they get to know each other they kind of start finding new ways of coping together and allowing themselves to be exactly as they are with each other. alec finds ways to stop masking and starts to come to terms with who he is and what he's like because he's never really identified with anything but his masked persona and magnus finally has someone who understands him

also i get that like... this headcanon is not new at all. i just haven't seen it being discussed a lot just like magnus having adhd is something i came across like two days ago so idk how big that headcanon is but yeah snglbghk sorry for taking up so much space i guess im a lil fixated hehe thank you for your time

okay, first of all i just want to say that i’m thrilled that you wanted to share this with me, specifically, especially since this is clearly meaningful and important to you. and don’t apologize, i love getting ranty asks tbh, they are the best dajsaijdadja 

for the hc! i totally agree with you on autistic alec, that’s not an uncommon hc because yeah he does have like... a lot of autistic traits lmao (altho there’s a lot of hm. gross ableist content involving this. but anyway) like i’ve been talking recently on here about alec’s honesty and his complete unwillingness and even unability to understand like, mind games and flirting and such and how that draws magnus in, and i definitely think that is directly connected to his autism. like the whole throwing hints and innuendos and flirting ;) ;) just doesn’t fucking make sense to him and he’s very in contact with his feelings and why would he not? be direct about them? you know? and magnus has had to basically teach himself to be able to do that (because well autism and adhd overlap and he’s probably had to struggle a lot to pick on social cues too, and learn these little tricks. this also probably has to do with the personality that he chose for himself, like, that whole over exaggerated over the top kind of careless thing, because then he can pass off his rambley tendencies and other ADHD traits as just... him being careless, i guess. so he lays it particularly thick so that the parts that are actually there - his tendencies to ramble and hyperfocus, lack of attention, sometimes unawareness of social cues - end up less visible under the veil of his exaggerated persona) and it’s so damn good. and important. to not have to. to be basically forced not to. because alec doesn’t engage in those. he’s completely honest. and he offers magnus a space where he can be, too

and i just duahdsiuahda love autistic/adhd solidarity malec (and also autistic/adhd solidarity mag&raph but that’s another topic. lêx shut the fuck up about raphael challenge. actually send me asks about autistic raphael pls yall). especially because like i said. magnus has had a lot of time to learn how to mask his ADHD traits! but it’s exhausting, and god it feels so good and he’s so fucking happy that he gets to stim, and ramble, and just be himself with alec

even if it definitely takes him a while. i think longer than it takes alec. because alec 1- is not as good as magnus at hiding it, and 2- sees no reason to hide them from magnus, because once he trusts, he trusts, and he’s all in. i think what would take alec the longest would be to stim - because he’s so used to suppressing those it’s almost second nature - but stimming is exactly the one thing that magnus still kind of allows himself. especially with magic, you see the way he’s always conjuring up little balls, doing sparks with his hands, rubbing his fingers together, etc etc etc. and alec picks up on that, the ways that he stims subtly and without hurting himself and maybe starts doing it too. we even get to see him rubbing his fingers in a similar way that magnus does sometimes, after they meet, and i think that might be the beginning of that process

so that definitely applies to what you said about them helping each other out with their greatest difficulties! like magnus is most uncomfortable letting go of hiding his traits, and alec is most uncomfortable with stimming, and they slowly- well, not coax each other into it, but walk that path together, especially as they also walk their career paths and earn more respect and space, and their relationship path and learn to be more open and earnest with each other and work together. you know? magnus sees that alec keeps picking at his own skin and hands, and he’s like... all lovingly healing him, and telling him that he should stop hurting himself, and alec tells him that it’s just. that he feels like the world is so sharp, sometimes, and he just has all that energy, and he doesn’t know how to let it out, and it’s too much, but he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he just. picks at his skin. and magnus looks up at him, brows a little furrowed, a little in shock and also. a good kind of surprise because he understands? and he’s happy that someone else understands? and that he can help with this?

and so magnus is like “i feel like that a lot, too. having magic helps, but well, there are other things i do” and then he tells alec about how he rubs his fingers together instead of picking at the skin and how he taps them and does the little wrist shaking thing and how that helps. and alec starts to figure out other ways to stim that work for him and don’t hurt him. magnus also tells him about jewelry and how that helps, having stuff to fidget with/focus on, and well alec is not big on jewelry but maybe he starts wearing a chain under his shirt, and there’s always the wedding band :) which we already see him fiddling with a lot in canon anyway so i definitely think it serves the same purpose for him as magnus’ jewelry do magnus. plus, it’s grounding and reminds him of them, which is also a bonus

and then there’s also everything we see in canon, about alec just. wanting magnus to be exactly himself and telling him that? seeing the way magnus is tapping his foot and then stops when he approaches, and he’s like “you can keep going,” or the way that he sometimes approaches magnus and is all like “i can tell you’re thinking too hard about this conversation. i don’t want you to say anything but what you feel. it’s okay” and magnus slowly relaxes and allows himself. or when he catches himself mid rant about his hyperfixation and he feels ashamed but he turns to alec, about to apologize because he just started talking way too much and way too fast about fucking wormholes and astrophysics again and alec is probably bored- but he turns and alec is staring at him with his usual, open adoration that always takes his breath away, and alec is like “no, i love hearing you talk” because even if he doesn’t understand what magnus is talking about, he loves how excited he is and to see him happy. plus his voice is so nice and pretty and just hmmm very good for the senses you know, like it’s just nice to focus on. so magnus does that little half smile of his, super pleased, and keeps talking, except this time gesticulating even more wildly and like flapping and going into detail without holding back, and he’s just so happy, and alec is so happy, and so in love with him duaudsaa

also them being sensorial heaven for each other :) alec wanting to hold magnus after he’s had A Day, and he just wraps himself around him and buries his face on his neck and feels his presence there, you know, focuses on him and his touch and hair and nice clothes (magnus picks clothes pretty much based on texture because he can’t stand some, and others, like silk, are just perfect so he has a bunch of those, and alec likes the same textures too so that’s great) and stops focusing on other noises and light and other things that might be giving him a bit of overload, you know? but also he doesn’t feel like, trapped, so it’s great. while magnus is enveloped in his arms and having all that stimuli from alec touching him and again he can laser focus on that and feel like his brain calms down a little. and it’s perfect for them both. sensory healing cuddles. perfect

and when either of them feels like having their space or not touching because Too Much, that’s okay too, because they both 1- understand, and 2- are mindful of each other’s space always. magnus especially, we see how he’s very careful with getting into other ppl’s and particularly alec’s space, and alec appreciates it because he never feels invaded. but he also learns when magnus needs space, be it alone or just a broad space to Flap Around in, and he always gives him that when he needs it, and magnus is so grateful for that. and it’s just duaihdsiahdasidaihahdah god i fucking love adhd/autistic solidarity malec thank u for coming to my ted talk

[theravencawsatmidnight]

Bittersweet Events Part Six 🗡

The story so far.

Hero Killer Stain meets a journalist , Suki. Who is interested in his view of the world and wants to know more. Stain agrees to fill her in on his views and ideals . The two fall for each other and Suki becomes pregnant but faves complications . Stain looses Suki and has to raise their daughter Shifuku alone . Stain deals with very bad depression along with regret. Spinner finds him and convinces Stain to let him help with Shifuku. Meanwhile the villains think Stain is dead and the Pros do to . Stain decides to go out one night to see the sutuation and Deku finds him beating him up. Stain asks him if he was keeping track of how long he was gone. Before Deku can confirm his theory Stain flees the scene.

A/N. This is a little messy , i hope the read is still enjoyable . Thank you for reading! Shifuku also gets her quirk!!!! (All parts can be found under the Papachizome tag!)

Shifuku had fallen asleep while Stain was telling her about his night . Seeing her struggle to stay awake took his mind off his sore bruised body and helped calm him down. But she did fall asleep on his chest and it made him chuckle. He spiked her hair up watching her.

He needed to go back out. Get it ... out of his system. Shifuku needed him as Chizome. Not as Stain. In the morning. One. Last. Purge..

Stain laid Shifuku down in her crib that spinner stole for her and went to the restroom to shower. He looked down at all of the blood and dirt going down the drain. He let Deku get the better of him . That cant happen again. Stain got out of the shower pulling on some sweats and a pull over hoodie. He threw himself on his bed . He ran his fingers over his stomach feeling a tense spot that made him flinch and groan. He rolled over with his arms folded trying to take his mind off it.

He dozed off into a deep sleep for awhile.

Laughing could be heard and running. A woman was laughing amd so was a man . “Oh please Mr Hero Killer dont hurt me!!” Laughed the woman.

“How dare you , you vile Hero, i will capture you!” Laughed the man . He caught up to the woman grabbing her and falling into the couch .

The two laughed snuggling together . Stain hugged Suki close wrapping her arms behind her back.

“Ive caught you , you Hero” he kissed her cheek pulling her between his legs tickling her. Suki laughed wiggling all around in his grip. “Cmon!!! Im the good guy!” She whined turning to face him , they kissed and Stain pulled her closer. “Oh no , you are the most dangerous villain. You stole my heart. “

The laughter started to fade and Stain shot up in a cold sweat . “SUKI!!!!!!.... suki....” he looked down at his hands breathing heavy. “Shes gone.. Shifuku..” he looked over jumping out of bed going to her crib to see her asleep. He rubbed his face groaning , slowly he went to the closet grabbing his costume . He went to the restroom to change and re emerged after a few minutes. He grabbed his knives from the bed and went to the living room to see Spinner asleep.

Stain went over tapping his nose making him sneeze himself awake. He looked around seeing Stain towering over him .

“Im going out, i’ll be back soon.”

“Okay but uh . You okay? You look awful”

Stain looked back glaring and Spinner shivered in his scales.

Stain was reaching the front entrance nearing the main office . The land lord saw him walk by and stood up leaving the office to go where Stain is. Stain stopped and glarred at him p. The land lord put his hands ups talking calmly.

“Uhm.. Stain ? Youve been here for a couple months now.”

“Ive been here about a year and a half “

The land lord jumped “ you .. wah?”

“Suki.”

“Suki? Is she okay? I have not seen her for awhile.”

Stain explained everything . Up to the day he lost her . “I have no where to take my daughter so ive been staying here. “

The land lord went back to his office then came back with a binder opening it up. “I... i just need to update the lease then”

“Chizome Akaguro”

“Okay . I cant let you live here rent free but uhm.., if you could keep the complex safe... “

“Ask a ‘Hero’ to do it”

“I have but they all want too much money. Its kind of off putting.”

Of course. “..Fine. That lizard that comes here is with me.” He walked past the land lord pushing the door open.

“Im sorry about Suki. If you need any-“

“Fine.” He slammed the door leaving.

Stain went behind the complex to climb it , he perched himself on the edge glancing across the city for Heroes. All these people , so oblivious . Completely dependant on these Pros for protection. But these Heroes were all the same. Stain got up and ran along the rooftops . He pulled his sword out jumping off a rooftop ontop of a Hero. He knew who he was, he became a Hero for the money , only fights villains when its good for him. Stain stabbed him in the neck and moved onto the next one.

By the time he was done the Pros had shown up be he was already gone. He left the chaos he had caused and walked into his complex not seeing the land lord. Stain went up to his apartment opeming the door too see Shifuku crawling towards him. He smiled closing the door crouching down with his arms out. Spinner was behind her making sure she did not bump anything and Stain scooped her up hugging her.

“Soo...”. Spinner said a little curious

Stain brushed the blood off his shirt sonhe could hug hig daughter and squeeze her.

“Im done purging lizard” he said .

Spinner tilted his head feeling a little sad. But at the same time , he was relieved .

•••••••

Shifuku was five now and was well... a ball of energy. The reality of fatherhood really set in for Stain when he gave up his villain life to focus on his daughter. She was hard to keep up with. Running around the complex and begging to go to the park. Stain would take her only at night untill she complained about not going during the day. He had to get a baggy hoodie to conceal himself whenever she wanted to go out during the day. Stain was really un easy about her getting his quirk or her own . He wanted her to have a fun quirk , something that made her smile and not... scare her. Spinner still came by from time to time to help out too which Stain appreciated .

Her quirk manifested one day while Stain was making her lunch. He yelled for her and she came running out . Spinner had waved to her and she waved back. When Stain turned around he saw Spinner frozen in fear and... bleeding from his eyes. He looked at Stain caughing up blood and Stain ran to Shifuku covering her eyes. Spinner fell over caughing trying collect himself.

Stain picked Shifuku up bringing her to his room and sat her on the dresser. She was crying and covering her eyes. “Show me.” He said.

Shifuku shook her head and Stain moved her arms and her very long blond hair that she would not let him cut. Her eyes were fully bloodshot and her tears were a little red. “Shifuku.” He said calmly. Stain went to the closet and came back with a small knife . He kneeled down in front of her cutting his hand . Shifuku freaked out covering her eyes again and Stain got up handing her the knife and pulling her other arm down. “Taste this Shifuku. “ he said to her while he wrapped his hand.

“But papa!!!” She whined at him prostesting.

“Now”

Shifuku turned sitting criss cross on the desk , she slowly lifted the knife to her mouth tasting the blood.

“Okay. Do you fee-“ he feel over.

“PAPA?!?” Shifuku jumped down shaking him franticly . “SPINNER!!!” She cried calling for him. Stain grabbed her arm pulling himself up leaning on the desk. He heard Lizard getting close and yelled for him to stop.

“Its fine..! Were fine.” He caughed and pulled his daughter to his lap.

“Knocked me out for a second... so you have a similar quirk to me. And you need this.” He took his mask off and wrapped it around her eyes. “This never comes off okay? Ever. “

“I... i hurt Spinner...”

“Im fine!!!!” They heard him say . He also hacked and caughed.

“Hes fine.” Stain pulled her close sighing. “I was hoping you would have a ... better quirk. “

“I dont like it..”

He looked down at her blinking.

“I.. i hurt Spinner papa.. people will make fun of it. “

“Spinner is fine. We will work on it . And youre quirk is amazing. My little gaze killer” he kissed her head tickling her.

Shifuku gasped trying to get away and Stain held her tightly. “We will work on it Shifuku. I promise”

“Okay papa..”

[hehaschosenthebees]

The Type

Steve Rodgers just isn't the type to ask for help.

He will not be weak for anyone but Bucky.

He will not be gentle nor will he be sparing if anyone brings this to him.

He trusts, but only after solidness, after many years of friendship and hardship together, Tony Stark being a fine example.

Only Bucky may see the cracks in his mask, the broken in his tender and loving heart, fiercly harded by war and pain.

So when Bucky is gone, who is there to help him?

The answer is no one.

That's why on the eleventh day of Bucky's mission (the one that was supposed to be over after a maximum of three days) he's bent to his snapping point. Since Bucky's freedom from HYDRA, they have not parted for more then a week. Nightmares torment the blonde, and each night ends up with the fammilar pinch of tears behind his eyes, but he refuses to let himslef cry.

He's not the type to cry.

So finally at two in the morning of the eleventh day, he sits on the shower floor and cries. It starts slowly at first, hesitant. Then the aching, body draining sobs shudder through him, stealing his breath and weighting his chest.

He spouts all his fears to the tile floor of the expensive shower, each one lined up and scored away.

Just like a perfect soldier should.

Neat, orderly and calm, he lists them out, hiccuping occasionally and remaining silent as the last one slips past his quivering lips.

"I'm afraid Bucky will leave me."

"I'm afraid he will get hurt, and I will have no one."

"I'm scared all my friends will die, and it will be my fault."

"Im afraid Tony will hurt Bucky becuase he doesn't trust him."

"Im scared Bucky will forget me."

"I'm afraid Bucky will hurt himself becuase he feels like a burden."

"I'm afraid to be left alone."

He shudders, the hot water doing nothing to soothe the coldness, the vast emptiness blowing through his bones. So he sits there for hours, eyes closed, forehead rested against tile and drifts. Naked and tired and hurting, he softly cries for hours becuase he will never admit it.

Steven Grant Rodgers will never admit he still needs to be taken care of. He refuses to let himself feel sad or scared becuase he is Captian America. He is the perfect soilder. And soldiers do not cry.

Though it's early morning and he has exasuted his tears, he barely manages to stumble from the shower and dry off. Wondering to his room, he selects a set of clothes he knows to be Bucky's.

It's one of the few comforts he has.

He lays on Bucky's side of their bed, eyes shut but not anywhere near sleeping. Mabye if he wishes hard enough, lets enough tears seep into the plush pillows, he can never feel them again. Never feel the hot streaks down his face, never taste the salt of his sadness on his lips.

Becuase Steve Rodgers isn't the type to cry.

So he lays there, tears slow but sure as they leave grey marks in the duvey covers and droplets in the pillowcases. He cries until his body shakes, dry sobs and low, whimpering whines.

He cries himself to sleep without Bucky.

Becuase when he wakes, he'll be good ol' Cap, right?

Wrong.

He opens his eyes to late evening sun.

"Oh well,"

He thinks. Not like he had any reason to be up anyway. He rolls over to grab Bucky's arm and shake him awake too, only to feel emptiness strike him deep in his core.

His wail of pain is audible.

Friday awakes at the sound, clacking and beeping softly in the open windowspace, converting the sunset into a computer screen. "Captian Rodgers," her pleasant voice chimes. "Do you require assitance?" It's the first words he's heard in days. He hasn't left his floor in over a week, too scared to break down during movie nights.

Who's he supposed to cuddle with, give soft tending kissess to if Bucky isn't there to enjoy the movie too?

"No," he croaks, surprised by the dryness of his throat.

"My vitals show you are severly dehydrated and low on essential nutrients. I am ordering treatment." Steve rolls his eyes, but isn't surprised when Bruce slides into his apartmet moments later. "Steve," he caps the blond on the shoulder, eyes roaming over the taller man.

He's barely standing, dark circles ringing his swollen and red eyes. His hair's a mess, tangled and swept to the side. He's in a Tee-shirt Bruce knows to be Bucky's, and a loose pair of sweatpants. His feet are bare, and the look in his eyes haunts Bruce.

Gaunt, deep depression shades his baby blues with grey. His hands shake as he cuffs Bruce back, managing a half smile that doesn't dent the gaunt look in Rodger's eyes. "You doin' alright?"

Steve deflects the question. "Under the weather," he quipps. Bruce nods, stepping back a bit. He understands the way Steve's feeling. He seats the blonde man on the couch, inserting an IV into the crook of his arm with practiced ease. "This is very important, Steve. Your serum makes you much more suseptible to passing out from malnutrution or dehydration. Please keep on it, yeah?"

Steve nods. "Yeah. Thanks pal." Bruce smiles that heartwarming, sweet smile. The one that hides something deeply concerned. "Any time, Rodgers. Call if you feel woozy, alright?" Steve nods, just a bit of happy poking through his misery.

Both he and Bruce know he would never call.

Becuase Steve just isn't that type.

So he sits. He eats and changes his IV bags like Bruce showed him, turning on the TV, though never really watching it. He scrolls past the shows that he and Buck watch together, the ones that latch onto memories that lift the corner of his mouth in a sad smile. He does the dishes and sweeps the house and sleeps his solid eight hours, always awaking to see the sunrise.

He remebers the way the sunlight gleamed off Bucky's metal arm, framing his face. Beautiful even in sleep.

It brings tears to his eyes every time, so he shares his tears with the sun every morning. The emptiness of the house fills every fold of their sheets, the one Steve refuses to wash becuase they smell of Bucky.

So ticking off the days of the calander with the marker Bucky keeps on his nightstand becomes robotic. Until one night, the twenty third evening of his emptiness, the sound of the elevator doors startles Steve out of bed. It's only 8:30, but he likes to go to sleep early, too afraid to see the stars his lover lays awake on the balcony to name on clear nights.

He scrambles, in only an old button down of Bucky's and breifs, to the living room, noting in his head where they keep three handguns in the house. (One under the bed in the gunsafe, one locked in a crane-stine drawer in the hall closet, and the one beneith the paneling of the wardrobe in the guest room.)

Creeping out around the island peeking from the kitchen, he does his best not to let blood drip from his arm where he yanked out his IV needle with haste. A sight that makes Steve fall to his knees awaits him.

James Bucanan Barnes stands in the living room, stripping off the leather holsters strapped to his body. The mission must have been dangerous, as he's got a full body harness, one for guns on either side of his chest, plenty of slips for the knives he's so keen with handling.

Steve chokes on a sob as the harness hits the couch, rattling. Empty of all but the knives. Bucky's head flicks up, eyes flashing in surprise. "Steve." His voice is warm in the dim, unseeing just the shape his lover is in. "Didn't mean to wake ya, Punk."

Steve lunges, leaning his full weight on Bucky. "God, you were gone for so long..." He whispers, hot tears pouring rivers down his pale face. Bucky hugs back, squeezing tightly. "Bruce said you weren't doing too well, love. Are you fee-" He stops short. Steve's in the light now, in all his sickly glory. Bucky swears he can see the old, skinny Steve glimmer through the still-muscled body in his arms. "Good god!" He yelps, litterally picking Steve up and carrying him to their shared bedroom. "What the hell happened?"

Steve is quiet.

"I thought you weren't comming home."

Red stains Steve's hand, and Bucky panicks. He yanks the blond's hand away, seeing the thick redness pooling in the crook of his arm and drooling down his palm. "Sweet Sara Rodgers, what the fuck?" He barks, digging through his drawer for a med kit while shoving the IV pole aside.

Steve takes his time (the best he can, at least) to talk Bucky through it. The pain and the lonliness he felt by himself, the reason he didn't want to eat or drink. Bruce's kindness, and even crying on the shower floor.

Bucky shares why the mission took so long, and spends the rest of the night with a crying angelic Steven Grant Rodgers becuase yes, it's okay to cry. They sleep in eachother's arms for the first time, sharing soft and gentle kisses until Steve's tears become something more.

Tears of joy.

Beacuse that's Steve's type.

And he won't ever have to feel those tears drying on his face ever again, becuase Bucky will always be there to wipe them away.

Becuase that's who Steve fell in love with.

A man who loves him and cares for him more then anything else in the world.

I guess you can say Steve Rodgers has a type.

--------------------------------------------------

A message for all those who feel like they are weak for crying. You are human. If you need to just let go, please do.

@the-mad-starker @peachystarker

@starkerchemistryy @starkerforlife6969

@sunflowerstarker @im-a-goner-foryou

•••above are the tags of the people who inspire me to write.•••

[gh0strabbit]

society if i realized that its not mean to tell someone to stop talking to me if something they like makes me uncomfortable

[rockinem777]

maybe it doesn’t matter.

regardless of who you are, what you want, or why you do it to me I’ve been better to you than you have been to me. Even if I get in moods that may make you feel bad, confuse you, or as if I don’t love you. You should know I do love you. I have always been that way, If I am upset or mad or having a bad day I don’t want to talk. At all, about anything. Maybe instead of saying some hateful shit, asking me a stupid question, or trying to comfort me by giving me a hug or telling me some basic shit like, “it’s gonna be ok” “Don’t worry” “I’m sorry I hope it’s not my fault.” “can I hug you?” “I’m so sorry you feel that way” “you said blahblahblah” “It could be worse” “It’s not my fault” or bringing up unnecessary drama you could try leaving it alone for 10 minutes. Telling me that I’m pretty or how I light up your day could work 100 times better. Sometimes people don’t have the same reactions and feeling towards things others would enjoy or find comfort in. Sometimes being touched makes me flinch and cringe if I’m in a mood,ill end up harshly saying something off/sideways like a natural reaction. Hearing that basic heated argument could shut a person down and make them swallow every word cause they’re too scared to mention how they feel too worried about their reaction to respond at all or correctly. (not coming off rude, mean, or hateful.) Sometimes my mind runs 1000 words a minute and instead of replying or talking about it I’ll lock myself in my bathroom and sit on the floor knees to my chest with too many scenarios and ideas or worries before I can figure out a sentence to say the right way so it doesnt come off the wrong way. hearing basic argument statements and simple gestures make me feel the same way as saying “im sorry for you loss” at a funeral does. Feels meaningless, dramatic, as if you want to get a negative reaction from me. & to carry on an argument that could have been a real conversation or told straight up from the get go it pointless to me, Words have minimal value to me, just as bribes make me want to cut off the entire conversation and or person causing it. Not everyone has a secret agenda of hurting someone with spiteful revenge. Some people already know how it feels and don’t want to cause any hurtful feelings or situations for another human being regardless of what they may or may not of done to them. Personally, I like to take time to think about all perspectives and how/why someone is saying what they are. I usually can and will come up with an excuse for the other person, even if they’re hurting me by saying/doing whats going on to cause conflict. I don’t like to cut straight to blaming, and or leaving. To me leaving in the middle of an argument is entirely hateful cause they are well aware of how It will make me feel. It’s rude, seems uneventful, as if delaying the inevitable, and like they’re causing a scene on purpose. I’m an extremely private person with my own thoughts, opinions, and feelings. I keep my ideas to myself cause I don’t know the entire ideas of someone else to make them feel or do such things, I probably never will, I do always take the others feelings into consideration tho, I understand the way most people lash out at one another. But leaving is a bold statement on its own. It’s cutting off the whole thing leaving the one left with even more misunderstandings, insecuries, questions, worry. It’s like saying, “I dont need or want you” “You dont mean shit to me.” as if I’m worthless and you only wanted to hurt me. Like I have to retaliate, If you dont give a fuck about me or my feeings, I should cut off the entire relation/friendship = like I should end it befe I get hurt again or more hurt. Good night

[wolfpawn]

When Ghosts Come For Us

Chapter 50

NOTE This is based on the movie Crimson Peak, so if any of the subject matter in that was uncomfortable for you, you will find this similar. I will *NOT* be describing incest in this, it will only be implied, same as the movie.

As I have stated already, my laptop is broken at present so please excuse grammar mistakes and the lack of GIFs and pics.

Also, I do not own any image or gif used in this story.

HERE is the link to Chapter 1 on Ao3

Rating - Mature

“I’m fine.” “Lady Sharpe...” “Mrs Matthews, I said I am fine, please, my letters and some writing material,” Charlotte ordered before shifting slightly. “Perhaps a blanket behind my back?” Margaret immediately complied, recalling when Charlotte was on forced bedrest carrying Thomas Jr and liked to sit up in the bed. “Thank you.” It had been over two weeks since she had caught pneumonia and had been forced to fight for her life. She was grateful at least that she was so delirious with fever, she had not felt her body be forced to cease making milk. According to one of the nursemaids, that was horrid and meant burning and painful breasts. “Little graces” Charlotte had called it. She was still weak, her voice was barely more than a whisper as her throat was still recovering and she was only about to drink liquidised meals and most of which seemed to be chicken soup, but she was fine with it. She did not mind the meal and she could feel her body strengthen with every bowl.

She demanded that Thomas be brought in twice a day to her again. She knew she was too weak to even hold him, but she wanted to see him and have him see her. She was terrified that he would forget her in their time apart and that would hurt her more than any beating her parents ever inflicted on her. She had decided to write to her brother and her husband.

As Thomas suspected, as soon as she was over the fever stage, she was adamant she would defeat her illness and under no circumstance was he to engineer a situation where Mr Brown would gain from them any more than they had to bribe him with. Her first order when given a piece of paper to write with in her weakened state was to telegram Thomas and tell him to stay in Allerdale Hall and ready everything. She knew as well as Thomas that Mr Brown would see that the mines were more profitable than even they had thought it would be and with the local police station being the first of many new and local contracts they had been asked for, there was high chance that if he would not go for Charlotte’s fortune but that he would focus on the mine’s deeds and she could not allow that. That was her son’s future, his guarantee of wealth after she left this world and there was no way she would risk it. If she were to die, she would still die with or without Thomas being in Pembrokeshire.

Dearest Edward,

I miss you terribly. I know that were you here, you would have my head hurting from the lectures of what was I thinking. I can even hear your voice as you say it, that little vein in your forehead only fit to pop because of the frustration my actions have caused you. I am so sorry, big brother. I am sorry for the stress and concern I have thrust upon you. I am fine, tired, worn and more than a little cold, but fine, nonetheless.

I have done nothing but eat chicken soup these past two weeks, I fear if I eat much more, I will begin to grow feathers!

I finally seem to be able to wiggle my toes again. I was worried for a time, they seemed reluctant to even work, all I felt there was coldness, it was not pleasant. I had to be bought workmen’s socks, several pairs. I look ridiculous, I think you would find it funny also.

I love you, Edward, so very much. While I was ill, I thought of you. I dreamt that you and Joanne wed and that you had a little girl with the most beautiful auburn hair. I do not know why I saw her with that particular colour hair, you are blonde haired and Joanne is brown, but if you saw her, I wanted to cuddle her so tight, she was the most beautiful little thing. She looked a lot like you. I hope it comes to pass. It brought me joy in my sickness.

Tell Joanne I think of her too, and Mrs Davies, of course. I hope to embarrass you many times more with her come spring. I think when I return to Cumbria, I will make more time to visit her and you too, I suppose (I jest). I realise here how alone I am, even in Allerdale Hall. It is unhealthy and I will have to rectify that.

I fear I must rest now. I did not think writing would exhaust me so, yet I find myself fighting sleep now.

I love you, Edward.

Please look out for Thomas if you see him.

Charlotte.

She forced herself to stay awake long enough to write the address and seal the letter. “Margaret?” “Yes Ma’am?” her ever faithful maid was to her side a moment later.

“Keep these together. I have written to Dr Thompson of what was said of my condition, I will write to my husband when I wake.” “Of course, Ma’am. I will not have Dr Thompson’s posted until you write to Sir Thomas,” Margaret swore as she took the small tray Charlotte had been using to write on away. “Thank you. I just need a small rest.” With that, she lay her head on the pillow and closed her eyes.

Used to her routine from when she had served Charlotte on bedrest, Margaret removed the extra blanket behind Charlotte and placed it to the side, knowing it caused her back to arch too much as she slept before going and informing Mrs Matthews of such.

*

“What was she like in Cumbria?” Jane, the maid who shared with Margaret asked.

“She is so lovely, she always smiles and is kind. She makes sure Mrs Phillips and I bring home extra food if we’re hungry.” “Don’t you live at the house?” “No, it’s too old and parts of it are falling down. I mean, Lady Sharpe is ‘avin’ it fixed in all, but that ‘ouse is only fit to be knocked. It’s sinking into the clay.” “She really is foolish if she is wasting money doing that.” Margaret frowned. She didn’t like how people dismissed Charlotte as a silly woman with little thoughts of substance. She knew that Charlotte was well read and always seemed to know all the odd and complex things Sir Sharpe’s machines did. She didn’t seem as silly as people thought her to be. “I dunno. She seems to know some stuff.” “She went out in the rain and nearly got killed. She fed her baby herself. I don’t think she is smart enough to be left with so much money. It’s a good thing she married a businessman, according to Mrs Matthews, they are worth even more now.” Margaret said nothing. She walked into Thomas’s workshop more than once with his tea to see her employers discussing business decisions together. One time, she heard Sir Thomas state very clearly that Charlotte’s idea had made them a small fortune. Even if she was not the smartest woman, recalling her leaving the house a few days after Master Thomas was born in anger and postnatal hormones, she clearly was not without some mind. “I dunno but what I do know is, if I ever marry, I want to be like ‘er and Sir Sharpe.” “They love each other?” “It’s more than love. D’you know when people talk about soulmates, ‘ow they say they just know each other and are like dance partners, perfectly matched?” Jane nodded. “That’s them. They always seem so ‘appy to just sit with each other and read some book. I see ‘ow Sir Sharpe looks at her, like she is some sort of rare thing, y’know, som-ing not everyone sees and ‘e is like, amazed by it. He loves ‘er so much and the way she smiles at ‘im.” “Wow, I don’t think we’ll ever see that.” Jane was envious at the fairytale-like manner her employers seem to love one another.

“What, not wiv John the gardener?” Margaret jested, referencing the man of forty years of age that seemed to salute the maids as though there were any chance teenage girls would find him attractive. Both girls snorted in laughter at that.

“The only way I would marry an older man is if he was like Mr Hamilton, God rest him.” “What d’you mean?” “Well, before Lady Sharpe was Lady Sharpe, she was Lady Hamilton, did you know that?” Margaret nodded, Mrs Phillips had told her such when she went to Allerdale Hall. “Well, he was fifteen years Lady Sharpe’s senior. Apparently, as nice as they were to one another, and Mr Hamilton was fond of her, she was here to give him children and that alone, hence him choosing a young bride.”

“Oh.” “Yeah, apparently he took her from marrying some young man and paid his fees for him to become a doctor as a way of buying her off him.”

Margaret’s mind immediately went to Dr Thompson and the fact that Lady Sharpe had written him before writing to her husband. “Really?” “Yeah, that’s why I heard anyway.” Jane shrugged.

“According to Mrs Phillips, she is a cousin of that doctor.” “Why would you push for your husband to pay for some cousin to become a doctor?” “I ‘eard his father died when he was young and she wanted to ‘elp ‘im.” “No one helps like that.” “Lady Charlotte does. She went and found him a suitable courtship too, wiv a lovely girl from our town. She genuinely cares for people.” “If she cared that much, she’d pay us more.”

Margaret silenced, she could see no matter what, Jane thought little of Lady Charlotte, a woman she cared for as an employer. She always checked on her wellbeing in Allerdale Hall and her kindness to care for her wellbeing in Foxgrove also came to the fore.

*

Thomas looked around warily. The shadows were becoming more and more frequent, as were the cries. When Mrs Phillips left each night, he became all the more skittish. What scared him even more was that Blake seemed aware of said shadows also. Since Charlotte sent a letter to him explaining she was feeling better and that she wished for the work to end soon so that she could see him again, the art room seemed to be far warmer again and Blake seemed to cease his pining in there from the day before the telegram came, in fact, it ceased the day the telegram was dated from as the date that Charlotte had written it. Instead, Thomas noticed that Blake seemed to have taken on a new role; He was now acting as Thomas’s guardian. When Thomas thought he saw shadows or felt a presence near him in the empty house, Blake was by his side, ready to attack, growling and baring his teeth if required at the direction of the shadows. He would not be parted from Thomas now, he clearly felt it his duty to protect his master, even from the unknown.

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