keepingthehopealive

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR session 4

ET- emdr therapist

PT- main therapist

K- therapist from my teens with the traumatic termination

Im sure ET saw this session as a "success" because we actually did an EMDR exercise, but despite that, I experienced the freeze a lot worse than I have in the previous sessions and there was still so much I couldnt do and didnt do good enough. She brought up the idea of exploring things with curiousity versus judgement and shame and thats the theme she wants to go with in the processing work.

We tried to do an exercise where I had the "inner critic" comfortable in its own room and kind of put aside so we could get to what else was I was feeling. I find any visualization things like this challenging to begin with but did try to do it. When we got back to the question of what I was feeling it was still shame and judgement and nothing else, so we moved on at that point. Later in the session, a few times we did get beyond it and I identified three other things that are there which were fears, grief and anger. 

ET's go to questions are- How does it feel in your body when I say/ask this and how old is that part or that feeling. Trying to answer questions more from my body and less from my head, feels more genuine, and i recognize how quickly the defenses or protective parts and cognitive spirals step in. I asked her a few times to actually repeat questions so I could try to answer them before I spiral too much or get sucked into the shame and judgement feelings. Its a goal I should have with PT but the fear triggered is the "too much".

It also feels shameful, even if accurate, that most of the time when im trying to "age" a feeling or experience, it feels really young. We talked about the example of hating my body and how that goes back as far as I can remember.

 (I did not communicate this to ET) but It triggers the cascade of defenses or shame: your childhood wasnt bad (you were just bad), youre just being dramatic and trying to create reasons that dont exist, you werent abused or neglected, my mom is good and did better than her parents, *my sister* doesnt have these issues so it has to be my fault etc.

ET asked it a few times; 1 was about PT and how it would feel to get reassurance contrary to the abandonment fears. She was asking more particularly if things improve does that trigger the fear of PT leaving or the work ending, but it goes both ways, which makes it feel more paralyzing. I said I feel it as constriction and tightness and the freeze. I also know PT constantly are giving me this reassurance and that PT tries not to at the same time because I was so aggressive from the start that I dont want any false reassurance and only want genuineness, which is a negative reaction. 

The 2nd time she asked was when we were talking about my relationship with my mom and she asked what it would feel like to think about not talking to her or calling her everyday. The answer was basically the same with my body feeling tightness and freezing in that. I also felt, but didnt say or express in the moment with ET, the overwhelming "that would end badly" (for my mom), like I need to protect her and make sure shes OK, that im there for her. ET talked about how me being able to set boundaries might actually lead to the positive shifts in the relationship and dynamic. I dont know if I believe it or can do it. I feel pretty confident that my mom wont do the work to change or even fully acknowledge her role and accountability in anything. It feels easier (and a million times harder) to just leave it as is. 

The 3rd time the question came up was in regards to K and what it would feel like to decrease the level of distress with those memories and feelings. We were both suprised by my answer that if it was possible, it would feel like a release in my body to bring that distress down. I know how much it affects my therapy and my life still, which causes so much shame. Which is especially loud with PT and the freeze and transference. 

We did an EMDR flash technique exercise with the memory of the termination session with K.  I wasnt able to pat my legs which was supposed to be part of it but it was me looking at pictures on my phone of the puppies and *work baby* and talking about that and then ET would instruct me to blink and then occasionally very quickly think about the memory and see where my body was in terms of distress. We didnt do it that long and I started feeling the distress as a 9 and by the end was more like a 5, as long as I didnt think about it long. 

After a couple minutes of it, I was feeling it super intensely frozen and had to stop and really collapse to try to feel safe. It was the normal freeze and collapse but also felt like my body was feeling what I did the termination session which was shameful, pathetic and painful. ET tried to get me back to looking at the pictures or some engagement but then also just tried to see what I needed in the moment. She moved away, even all the way to her waiting room to see if that would help me get out of it, which it didnt. She commented that the freeze isnt dissociation and that I was really stuck between hypo and hyperarousal because I was hyperventilating while also being curled up and stuck. I explicitly asked for reassurance or the "answer" of how we move forward from it and she talked about the intention being to bring the distress down enough where we can process it more (with actual EMDR processing) and that can be the next steps. I dont believe the activation or distress will ever get to a 0 (ET does, but said we dont have to do that either if I dont want it to go completely away), even if part of me really does want that. 

The end she talked about trying to contain some of this stuff until next time I see her which isnt until the end of the month (5 weeks total). Mostly in regards to K since we did that processing towards the end of our session. 

[keepingthehopealive]

Just what I needed. A new momma and her 9 babies

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR session 3

Its been such a hectic couple weeks and very heavy and loaded with triggers so i haven't had time or energy to write about my last EMDR intensive session. I've forgotten quite a bit of it which I actually felt that immediately after too because I was even more dissociated than normal during the session too. But still wanted to write some of it before my next session in a few weeks.

My parents had just left the morning of the session and there was some drama with my mom right before she left (she wouldn't really say bye to me because she was being passive aggressive and was mad I didn't say goodnight to her the night prior, but instead of being an adult and communicating that she just didn't acknowledge me). We had kind of resolved it, meaning I called her out on it and she half assed apologized right before this session so it did bring my activation down a little bit.

We started by talking about the family stuff, my trip and all the different emotions and things happening there. ET does a lot through the parts lens and her favorite question to ask is "how old is that part". The part that came up with regards to my family is the manager part, and I identified that part as really young, that I've always felt I had to manage everyone's emotions and anxiety, in particular my mom. As we were talking about things, I was getting more activated and talking louder and faster which ET pointed out as such a vast difference between my normal state of shut down and freeze. She talked a lot about me being a highly sensitive person and how that leads to chronic invalidation.

She asked about anger and if I ever feel it, and talked about how for a lot of people anger is either all they feel or something they struggle to feel at all, which I said was the case for me. I said I only feel anger towards myself and shame and we identified that for me, the inner critic is the shame. ET seemed to click with that connection that its not that part causing the shame or shame blocking me from that part, it's that part IS the shame.

ET tried to get me to do a visualization like activity of trying to "meet" these parts in a room with a wall between us and open up the communication with them. I think it's an EMDR/IFS technique called "meeting space". I tried but I really struggle with anything visualization wise. Mostly it's that I'll be able to do it for a second but then shame comes up and it gets too difficult to stay in it long and even harder to try to communicate or verbalize what is internal. Plus i dont feel able to keep my eyes closed. Its a lot of a somatic block too where it feels like I fall deeper into the freeze when I try to go internal. I told ET as much, that its not that I cant see images in my head, I don't believe it's like aphantasia, it's just about all the blocks to doing and communicating it. She also tried for a bit to get me to visualize a safe place, which she kind of picked for me to be walking in a park with my dog. I ultimately couldn't really do these exercises and ET was understanding about it and talked about how she was going to talk to PT about also working on building this skill with me so that I can do more EMDR.

So the thing I struggled with the meeting space activity was verbally saying how this "inner critic" started off feeling really big and scary, but that really its a very small, fearful part and that causes me additional shame, that I know this yet cant overcome or work against that part when it comes up.

ET, without me communicating any of this, later said she thinks the inner critic is actually fearful. She talked about how she knows it's really scary to have these conversations and do this kind of work because im afraid that she is going to try to take those defenses and protective parts away. She explained that the goal is to open up conversation and work with them together, but that her goal is not to get rid of them. I understand all of this on a very cognitive level, but can't feel it experientially or somatically.

We came to that point a few times in the appointment, that what's so challenging for me is to try to drop down into my body and answer her questions versus answering them logically. She said all the normal things that shes not looking for or expecting any certain answers and isnt judging them. An example was we were talking about a dog fight between my dog and foster dog as she was going to try to do the flash technique with this memory as a "less traumatic" one to start with and when she asked how I would rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, I couldnt answer because my answer felt stupid, too high or dramatic (despite the fact that I was immediately seeing the images of the fight and feeling that in my body). I wasn't able to do the flash technique because I physically feel like I cant move my body, and part of it is patting on your legs while focusing on a memory and then there's blinking times too. I want to try it but not sure how to get past the blocks to doing it, whether that's physical or the internal piece of it. I mentioned how I also struggle to do things when she brings them up because it can feel like her, or even with PT, trying to rescue me or bring me out of the hard moments, and a part of me takes that as proof that im too much and not someone who can be helped or get better because I cant handle myself.

We spent a long piece of the session with me spiraling about how im weak and a failure and haven't been able to do anything with her or try any EMDR activities. ET countered it by saying that she knows we have different perspective on things but doesn't see me as weak and pointed out all that I've been able to share with her in the sessions we've had and ways I've tried to work with my body and in this new way of conceptualization for myself. I was also really spiraling about how im going to prove to be too much for her and not someone she can help and all the abadonment fears that come up. ET said she thinks she would have already known that by now already seeing me for 9 hours with our appointments. She tried to reassure me a bit that she is ADHD and enjoys a puzzle, which I felt shame over because I dont want to be seen as difficult or a puzzle to figure out. ET said it isnt "difficult" or too much, it's just that my system is more sophisticated and very well protected so we are going to have to be creative on how to work on things. She talked about how she is really good at interweaves in EMDR, meaning she is really good at managing when there's blocks or barriers or different memories or sensations come up in the moment. I think it was just reassurance that she can manage and work with whatever is coming up for me. We did identify that although the too much part is young, that part is also teenaged as that was when it became more solidified that no one can help me or manage my stuff or will stay around.

One of the ways she talked through a bit of how we keep going forward is the difference between state change and trait change. The whole idea of EMDR/bottom up therapy approaches is to get trait change where it's beyond just in the moment coping and managing. ET said if we can get to the state change in the moment, like my body relaxing or letting some of the protective parts settle for me to be more present and feel safe, then we can do the work towards trait change with EMDR processing. One thing she suggested when I was struggling with visualization was printing pictures of the park or safe space because she thinks if I have a physical copy of it (we tried previously with looking at a picture on my phone) I might be able to ground myself a bit more and engage with it more.

At the end she left it up to me if I wanted to book another appointment and we did. She reiterated she was going to reach out to PT (she always does after our sessions and im glad that PT always tells me when they talk or are in contact too and what they talk about), particualy about trying to help me build the safe space visualization as a skill to fall back on.

[keepingthehopealive]

I went from a long and emotionally taxing 10 ish days with family. Then had my 3rd EMDR intensive session, which I'll write more about once I have time and have processed a bit more. Then I had my regular therapy Tuesday which was super intense too. Now I'm in a 3 day work stretch and there was an expected but sudden death in the family that rocks the boat even more and is especially hard as im deep in processing family stuff in therapy. I feel like I could crumble under it all but im trying to push through the next few days. Next week I have oral surgery for my wisdom teeth and family coming to visit again so I won't get a real reprieve or break from all this until later this month. im so incredibly thankful for my therapist as I wouldn't be able to manage this without her.

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR session #2. Taking what i sent to PT after the session.

ET-emdr therapist

PT-primary therapist

When I went in, ET asked how the last 3 weeks had been and I said "a shit show" which she laughed but then asked more about. I briefly touched on some medical stuff I'm dealing with and then some stuff with my animals stressing me out.

ET asked if we could talk more about the relationship with my mom since we started to touch on it last time. That relationship and dynamics was already really activated because of the session I had with PT a few days prior where it came up (+ an upcoming visit with mom). I said how the compassionate response in childhood probably would have been that my needs were different than my sisters versus the response and narrative I got of youre needy, dependent, too much and the accompanying shame. ET asked what it would have felt like to hear that as a child or even how it felt now to say and hear that. I said it felt like a vice around my body, restriction and tightness and the freeze.

I talked about how the self hatred really goes back to infancy. Not in a cognitive way, but that when I look at baby pictures of myself as a baby all I feel is disgust and judgement, mainly "I've always been ugly" and watching videos of myself as a young toddler/child (my mom videoed our childhood and then it was something we watched a lot too) how annoying I was, too much, how bad my anxiety was even at a really young age etc. I know these narratives come from my mom, she makes these comments constantly. Its sad and pathetic though. I think of the babies in the NICU or at work now, even the most difficult, exhausting toddlers, and can never fathom feeling this way about them, yet I cant disconnect these feelings when it comes to myself.

We talked about my therapy history with K, P, L and my current therapist PT and those relationships. ET was saying how I needed the relational and attachment work and how K ended up reinacting my mom. When I argued that I shouldn't need it now, and need to do it for myself, ET said the young wounded child part of me needs it and that the adult me wants to be able to do it for myself and by myself, like to find safety in my body and in myself versus through relationships and others, particularly in therapy. She asked about talking to that part directly, which was really challenging and she validated that most of me couldn't hear it because of the protective parts. ET said she isn't trying to get rid of those protective parts, just wants to work with them directly.

The biggest theme of the session was my disorganized attachment, starting with my mom. With the lens of parts work, she talked a lot about how strong my protective parts are, that im a "super well protected" system. Im able to conceptulize it, but the freeze, shame and other shields come up immediately when trying to feel it in my body or apply it to myself from an empathetic view. She talked about the shame as the "monster within". 

In terms of how I was in the appointment, it felt different than last time in that I was able to be a bit more open with what I was thinking and experiencing in response to her. She is heavy on psychoeducation, which is fine and I do appreciate and find interesting, but I was more open about what I was able to hear or accept and what I wasn't. I struggled more this appointment with talking and my voice and the freeze, in different ways than last time. At one point I was completely collapsed and curled up and was shame spiraling. ET had to go to the bathroom anyway so we used that as a break and it helped in that I was able to uncurl a bit once I was alone for a minute. 

ET does a lot of bringing attention to my body and how im experiencing things, which is newer for me in therapy and is where I really struggle, dropping out of the cognitive intellectualizing and into my body and somatic experience of things.

If we view it from this lens then I think the struggle with the fact that not only do ET and PT see the child part that's struggling but theyre compassionate towards it and trying to work with it, when Im only working against it. thats what I've been told and taught to do from the time I was that child. So it makes sense that I feel like PT treats me like a child or as weak because they are seeing and working with a different part of me.

Its hard enough to intelluctalize it this way, but when I try to experience and feel it somatically, its impossible. ET would talk about ways that doing EMDR can help get there, which was triggering a lot of shame in the moment of how Im not even able to try it or do it, because all we did was talk and I could answer questions and intelluctually talk about things, but when it came to doing anything physical or active, i tried a few times but could not do it. She said that we were still doing EMDR because we are doing the first steps of history taking and resourcing and talked about how sometimes EMDR ends up very "front loaded" with the work and other times it's more back loaded and that its more than just the reprocessing work. Which I know and understand on a cognitive level, but can't get myself to feel it as OK in my body or in the moment when im spiraling feeling like I'm failing (EMDR, therapy, myself..) and weak and stupid.

We did also talk about the hopelessness being much more present than the maybe 5% of me that has hope things could be fundamentally different. ET frames it as state change versus trait change.

[keepingthehopealive]

Emdr intensive session #1.

I want to write about this. May end up making it private or even deleting it, but right now sharing feels ok and safer. This is basically what I wrote to my therapist PT (main therapist) after the session with ET (emdr therapist)

The freeze was immediate and extreme. I went in and immediately curled up quite a bit and didn't make eye contact or engage. There wasn't any judgement about me not making eye contact and ET did a lot to show and tell me how it was OK. I think it kind of helped that ET knew it going in so she addressed it immediately. It was an interesting balance of her not immediately trying to save me from it or push me out of it jumping into conversation or questions, but also not leaving me stuck in it. She gave me a couple fidgits to play with while we talked and talked through some small movements with varried success on my part. I spent most of the 3 hours in the freeze, but to varrying levels. ET told me right from the start that she has experienced tonic immobility and freeze before and that she does understand it. She also later said she has worked with multiple clients with dissociative presentations and freeze.

When we were talking about the dogs or work, I felt some moments of reprieve. I didn't really "lose" my voice till the last half hour but I was able to push through it. Towards the end, I also started getting really bad stomach pain and cramps. My body feels depleted and in pain today, which isn't a foreign experience for me, but feels quite extreme. I crashed hard after session yesterday and am glad I have the weekend off, since I don't think I'd be able to jump back into work after the session.

We talked a lot about the freeze and she tried different things to get me to move and work with it. I of course was a failure and couldn't do much of anything she suggested or asked of me, even the tiny things like closing my eyes or small movements. Its reinforcing the hopelessness and pointlessness of doing all this because I cant even fucking try. I know it wouldn't have been a reasonable expectation that I'd suddenly be able to do something different, it just feels so shameful, especially as I'm now spiraling over some of the things that I (should have, wish I could have, wanted to etc) try when ET suggested or asked me to try. Especially when she tried showing an EMDR technique to try (flash technique). I wanted to scream at myself that its the whole fucking point and how im a weak failure and wasting everyone's time if I cant even try.

We talked a lot about protective parts and defenses and identified some of the big ones for me which were the freeze, (skin) picking and then the "I cant". I felt like it did weave into a lot of history taking too, and we covered a lot, but it didnt feel too intake-ey.

ET did a lot of psychoeducation, a lot of stuff that felt familiar to me and I already knew (which she was validating about and respected and didn't talk down to me) but some from a different lens with parts work. Shame made those parts of the conversations really hard to engage with. It wasn't that they didn't feel relevant or land with me it was the thoughts about how it shouldnt land for me and I don't have trauma or deserve it. One of those exercises was thinking about the fearful part and how old it is/what it needs to loosen the grip on some of the defenses. That was where the "I cant" came in full force and I couldn't engage or even try. It was also very hard to engage at all with what was happening in my body.

I felt that ET was way too nice and validating. In the begining it felt more infantalizing and like fake niceness but I don't think it was. It was just her going slow and not pushing me, probably made worse by the fact that I walked in and immediately froze and all the defenses came up (so damage control on her part basically). It got a bit better as the session progressed, and I communicated it in the way I could. I actually used what you had said about how deliberate validation and reassurance doesn't work well for me but I do better with genuineness. Even before I said or communicated any of that, ET had already self disclosed that she's experienced the freeze and tonic immobility before. I ultimately felt she was genuine but still too nice. She kept saying "its fine", particularly when I was shame spiraling, and I pushed back. ET's response was that it was fine for her, even if it wasn't for me.

Other stuff:

ET does both EMDR and parts work so a lot of what we talked about was more parts work based. she mentioned doing a "map" but we only got as far as making a list of the protective parts coming up as there was a lot to talk about there. She also talked a lot about the polyvagal theory, window of tolerance and how I am alternating between hypo and hyperarousal but never in that window of tolerance. PT does ACT and said they've reframed it as "window of flexibility" where its the state where you feel and are able to make decisions.

Another thing ET said when I was talking about my mother is the term "emotional incest" which I've never heard but she explained and I looked up after is similar to enmeshment. The bit that I looked up is very relevant to my relationship with my mom.

My HW is a resourcing/anchoring activity of thinking of times, people, places etc where I have felt that sense of safety or neutrality in my body and in myself. Im going to write about it separately I think because PT and I have been working through it together, which has been helpful and interesting.

I see ET again in about a week and half so it'll be 3 weeks between the appointments. Im not sure what will be after that as that is what we booked so far. Its already been hard and intense, but i at least think I want to keep trying for the time being since it is a different approach and something new.

[keepingthehopealive]

Haven't written on here in forever but here we are.

Starting this Friday, I'm adding in EMDR therapy in addition to my therapy with my primary therapist which is more talk therapy. Im doing an EMDR intensive format with 3 hour sessions once a month. I see my primary therapist 2x a week, but will just do once the week of the EMDR sessions, or I'll play that by ear depending on how it goes. It's expensive so I do really hope it's worth it and that it helps. I feel privileged and lucky to be able to afford it. One of the things that helps is that the EMDR therapist is someone my therapist supervised so the collaborating between them should be easy and it makes me feel more open to trust and willingness with the EMDR therapist. they also have a quite big social media presence (they share that very openly in their intake emails) and that's helped with some of the anxiety of meeting a new therapist since i have a bit of a sense of how they are and might be. From our phone conversation, I think the fit will be good too.

I am doing it specifically to try to work on the extreme freeze response I'm experiencing and hoping that getting through that more somatically will help me to use therapy more effectively and make it safer. The goal is kind of "find safety in my body/self" Im terrified and its been a month now that I've known about it and been panicking. My therapist has been so good and helpful with the anxieties and anticipation, but its been tough to manage all around. Now it's 4 days away and I'm spiraling. I'm terrified, and terrified with any way it might or could go. It's been exhausting. I have 3 busy days before the appt which could maybe help or hurt this whole situation, im not entirely sure.

[keepingthehopealive]

The pre therapy appt anxiety, pit in my stomach, I don't wanna be here today, feeling is so strong and bad right now. I already got myself here, despite even that being so challenging, so just have to go in and wait for her to come get me. I feel like I'm gonna puke. And our appts almost always go well, are helpful and ok, so this is a little ridiculous.

Last appt I shut down at the end and thankfully it was virtual and I was able to tell her that I needed her to end the call, which she did and it ultimately went OK. Although super challenging.

We've been doing 2x a week but I think this week will just be once because the holiday. So hopefully today does ok for me. Plus I'm in a crisis and the appointments have been both helpful but also painful and overwhelming.

My hope is I can communicate and hopefully we can find a way to help me regulate from the start, so I don't shut down because that's the fear. I had an abandonment nightmare last night too.

Also i might start writing more about my sessions because I think it could help again but we'll see.

[keepingthehopealive]

My 6(!) New fosters. Momma and her 5, 3 week old babies! An "accidental litter" surrendered to the rescue because of on overwhelmed caregiver. Seems they lived outside for a bit though. Still need to bathe the babies and mom could use one too. But they are healthy so she has done good, where ever they were.

Mom is the sweetest girl who just wants affection and attention and love. She hasn't been super interested in staying with the babies, which I guess is normal for this age as they will be ready for food next week. I'm so excited to watch them grow and clean up all their messes ;)

[keepingthehopealive]

Long weekend and I'm not working so yes I did bring home 3, 10 day old pups to bottle feed. The night went relatively smooth, even being up every 2 hours with them. They all made it through the night and are eating well so I'll take it. Hopefully the shelter is able to trap mom today so they can be reunited with her and nurse. If not they'll stay here till Monday (or if she's trapped before then) and then go to a long term bottle foster. I'm quite smitten with them but can't do it longer term with work and my dog, who is being so good with them and is mostly just confused and keeping distance from his whiny new roommates.

[keepingthehopealive]

I had him 3 weeks and my dog who's usually amazing and has no issues with other dogs and was best friends with this baby, randomly had an awful day and started a relatively scary fight with him. Thankfully no major injuries but it was traumatic for me and so scary. I don't have the ability to separate them as I would need to and do all the reintegration with them, so it was best but fucking devastating to bring him back to the shelter. I have been crying for days and cried when I returned him and its been completely awful. I will still see him and get to hang with him when I'm there and I'm planning to get him out as much as I can.

I'm also going to continue to foster but have different boundaries with my dog, make sure he gets his individual attention and enough alone time. And that I'm better at respecting his signs because this was partially my fault. I'm feeling absolutely terrible and shameful and spirals. Therapy on Monday can't come soon enough although I'm not sure I'll even be able to talk about this at all. But it should still help. I've gotten a lot of support from a lot of my friends and people in the rescue, which I don't feel deserving of. I'm gonna give my dog a few weeks break from fostering and then maybe go for a calmer chill dog.

New foster baby boi. He was experiencing severe shelter stress and really needed out so the second my last was adopted, I went and got him. He's amazing and is settling into the house already. Hes got some quirks but we're gonna work on them and get him adopted!

[keepingthehopealive]

Long post about therapy and brainspotting and my session today.

My therapist and I tried brainspotting today in our session for the first time.

Brainspotting is a somatic based therapy approach. It's kind of similar to EMDR, I think it was maybe even by the same person who came up with EMDR, but it's not specifically for trauma necessarily. My therapist described it as a "top down approach" where it allows your brain to heal itself. It's a little hard to describe but you look at a pointer at different spots in space while focusing on a feeling, thought, emotion, sensation, memory etc. You can do it to find a spot in space where it's more or less intense depending on what approach you're taking in the session. Then you just look at that spot and notice what's happening. You don't have to talk but can obviously process what's happening in the moment and the therapist can ask questions or guide it or just let it be. Im not sure if background sounds or quiet music is always a part of it, but I wore headphones today and listened to some calming stuff while we did it.

My therapist and I are integrating it into our therapy to see if it helps with some of my shame based blocks, barriers and struggles with verbalizing and talking about things and probably more too if it continues to evolves (like processing memories or emotions and stuff).

Today we focused on physical tension and anxiety in my body in the moment. I only did it for about 5 minutes because it was a lot. Mainly having to look in her general direction (my "spot" was to the side of her but still closer than I'm comfortable with as I usually keep my head down and color) was exhausting and very anxiety provoking. She was so compassionate about it and actually said I did it longer than she thought I would be able to. She understands me well and she knew it would be a lot so she checked in with me after a few minutes of it and I was able to communicate I wanted to stop. Plus, even though we planned to do it, we ended up talking for a bit before I finally asked if we could try it. She probably thought i didn't want to do it but I was just too anxious to start it. I'm happy I didn't chicken out when she went to hand me the headphones because I wasn't expecting that.

It led to a really interesting conversation about my anxiety, in particular my more physical based anxiety and tension in my body. She reflected that I have a strong mind-body connection and when I responded just saying "unfortunately", she said the goal can be to try to make that a positive thing instead of something that harms me so much.

Our plan going forward is to start sessions (maybe not all of them) with it and just do short sessions of it to increase my window of tolerance with the anxiety I feel. I think if I can work on tolerating the anxiety in the moment and using brainspotting for that, I can eventually use it in other ways to help in my therapy and with some of the things I want help with and have struggled with and been stuck with in therapy in specific for so long. I'm also a little afraid to have any hope or expectation for it. I appreciate the most that she isn't presenting it as a quick fix or cure all and has already said if it doesn't work for me that's OK too.

[keepingthehopealive]

New foster baby boi. He was experiencing severe shelter stress and really needed out so the second my last was adopted, I went and got him. He's amazing and is settling into the house already. Hes got some quirks but we're gonna work on them and get him adopted!

[keepingthehopealive]

Working my first night shift at this job and first night shift in a few months. Started off busy ish but slowed down and now I'm just looking at pictures of the pups to keep myself awake. Everytime I check the camera, my dog wakes up so I think the camera makes a sound when I look at it so I'm trying not to check it but I could see he was restless at the start of the night. I gave him meds to help as I transition to night shift and will do so for at least a few shifts.

I'm back tonight with my night preceptor and although having the same kids would be good for consistency, I'd actually prefer a busier assignment. I'll probably kick myself later for saying that.

[keepingthehopealive]

Feel free to ignore this with zero explanation, just delete it if you want to. But as a longtime follower, I guess I just wanted to ask how you’re doing and if/how you’ve been able to move on from what happened with K. That still pops into my mind when I see your posts and it was such an awful thing that it’s hard to forget even just for us followers. I’m so sorry you went through that. Take care.

Thank you for sending this message and I find it thoughtful too that you think about it and me and understand the impact of that situation and ending.

I have definitely not "moved on" and it's still something that affects me deeply and is a painful point/trauma for me in my life. It was very prominent and painful when I first started with this new therapist a few months ago. We actually processed it and talked about it quite a bit, as it was big at the time for me in starting with her. She is more similar to K than L my therapist was and I think that's why I was thrown into the obsessing and pain about it again, but it's settled a bit. I was in a huge crisis when I started therapy with L a few years ago, so it wasn't a huge piece of our work together but it has been with this new therapist. She also reminds me more of K than L did in a lot of ways. I think it's something we're going to process more and we might do a more targeted therapy on those memories and relationship that this therapist does.

[keepingthehopealive]

So the thing my therapist said yesterday that was a little mindblowing to me after the fact was this...

I was processing my relationship with my mom and family and the anxieties and boundary struggles that persist with us, especially around her and her family.

My therapist commented that I am experiencing the paradox of being so emphatic that I feel everyone else's emotions and anxieties as my own and then I'm trying to cope with those emotions with coping strategies and techniques, but because they aren't my emotions to begin with, those things don't work to alleviate or help the emotions.

I've truly never thought of it this way before. That these emotions or anxieties I'm experiencing aren't my own (I do have my own on top of it though) so maybe I can't be so hard on myself for not being able to deal with them or cope as well I think I should be able to. It's such an interesting perspective to think about.

I also talked about how I feel so confused and jealous and then hard on myself for how my sister and dad are able to be mindful in the moments we're around family and not get absorbed by all the emotions and generational trauma honestly. My therapist said that I never learned differently and that I'm the glue in the family and put the effort in to make sure no one else experiences what I do so of course they don't experience it the same. She also talked about triangulation and how my mom has "trained" me this way my entire life so it's not the personal failing it feels like it is (maybe, I still have a lot of self blame, but she offered a new perspective to it). She did so in a way that wasn't and didn't feel judgemental or that she was just unequivocally supporting me or taking my side, but that she was listening and reflecting back.

I'm looking forward to processing this session and the thoughts I've had since yesterday next week. I'm also feeling extremely lucky to have found this therapist because she's really good.

[keepingthehopealive]

With my therapist's permission, a conversation and a concrete plan (more for myself as she is fine with no reservations about it) I started recording our sessions. I only just recorded today's session and it's already been so beneficial for me. I'm only going to listen to it 1x and then delete so I don't get stuck in the old obsessive and unhealthy spirals with it like I used to. And things are so different now than they were and this is a new therapist and completely different relationship. But she said something today that I kind of remembered but would have likely forgotten and it was so powerful to hear her say it and be able to write it down for my journal. I've been Journaling after every session and I really think the recording is going to help with that too in that I won't feel as pressured to journal asap after our appointments before forgetting things.

I also feel comfortable with this because I know we're going to and can have conversations about it to make sure it's helpful and not harmful for me and adjust as needed. She already said today she'll love to talk about it next time and process how it is for me to record. She has proven and shown me that she is consistent and remembers things, brings things back up and picks up on things and thinks about things that even I don't. She knows a lot about my history already and seems very in tune with me during sessions and between the appointments too I can tell that she is thoughtful about them and about things.