keepingthehopealive

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR session #2. Taking what i sent to PT after the session.

ET-emdr therapist

PT-primary therapist

When I went in, ET asked how the last 3 weeks had been and I said "a shit show" which she laughed but then asked more about. I briefly touched on some medical stuff I'm dealing with and then some stuff with my animals stressing me out.

ET asked if we could talk more about the relationship with my mom since we started to touch on it last time. That relationship and dynamics was already really activated because of the session I had with PT a few days prior where it came up (+ an upcoming visit with mom). I said how the compassionate response in childhood probably would have been that my needs were different than my sisters versus the response and narrative I got of youre needy, dependent, too much and the accompanying shame. ET asked what it would have felt like to hear that as a child or even how it felt now to say and hear that. I said it felt like a vice around my body, restriction and tightness and the freeze.

I talked about how the self hatred really goes back to infancy. Not in a cognitive way, but that when I look at baby pictures of myself as a baby all I feel is disgust and judgement, mainly "I've always been ugly" and watching videos of myself as a young toddler/child (my mom videoed our childhood and then it was something we watched a lot too) how annoying I was, too much, how bad my anxiety was even at a really young age etc. I know these narratives come from my mom, she makes these comments constantly. Its sad and pathetic though. I think of the babies in the NICU or at work now, even the most difficult, exhausting toddlers, and can never fathom feeling this way about them, yet I cant disconnect these feelings when it comes to myself.

We talked about my therapy history with K, P, L and my current therapist PT and those relationships. ET was saying how I needed the relational and attachment work and how K ended up reinacting my mom. When I argued that I shouldn't need it now, and need to do it for myself, ET said the young wounded child part of me needs it and that the adult me wants to be able to do it for myself and by myself, like to find safety in my body and in myself versus through relationships and others, particularly in therapy. She asked about talking to that part directly, which was really challenging and she validated that most of me couldn't hear it because of the protective parts. ET said she isn't trying to get rid of those protective parts, just wants to work with them directly.

The biggest theme of the session was my disorganized attachment, starting with my mom. With the lens of parts work, she talked a lot about how strong my protective parts are, that im a "super well protected" system. Im able to conceptulize it, but the freeze, shame and other shields come up immediately when trying to feel it in my body or apply it to myself from an empathetic view. She talked about the shame as the "monster within". 

In terms of how I was in the appointment, it felt different than last time in that I was able to be a bit more open with what I was thinking and experiencing in response to her. She is heavy on psychoeducation, which is fine and I do appreciate and find interesting, but I was more open about what I was able to hear or accept and what I wasn't. I struggled more this appointment with talking and my voice and the freeze, in different ways than last time. At one point I was completely collapsed and curled up and was shame spiraling. ET had to go to the bathroom anyway so we used that as a break and it helped in that I was able to uncurl a bit once I was alone for a minute. 

ET does a lot of bringing attention to my body and how im experiencing things, which is newer for me in therapy and is where I really struggle, dropping out of the cognitive intellectualizing and into my body and somatic experience of things.

If we view it from this lens then I think the struggle with the fact that not only do ET and PT see the child part that's struggling but theyre compassionate towards it and trying to work with it, when Im only working against it. thats what I've been told and taught to do from the time I was that child. So it makes sense that I feel like PT treats me like a child or as weak because they are seeing and working with a different part of me.

Its hard enough to intelluctalize it this way, but when I try to experience and feel it somatically, its impossible. ET would talk about ways that doing EMDR can help get there, which was triggering a lot of shame in the moment of how Im not even able to try it or do it, because all we did was talk and I could answer questions and intelluctually talk about things, but when it came to doing anything physical or active, i tried a few times but could not do it. She said that we were still doing EMDR because we are doing the first steps of history taking and resourcing and talked about how sometimes EMDR ends up very "front loaded" with the work and other times it's more back loaded and that its more than just the reprocessing work. Which I know and understand on a cognitive level, but can't get myself to feel it as OK in my body or in the moment when im spiraling feeling like I'm failing (EMDR, therapy, myself..) and weak and stupid.

We did also talk about the hopelessness being much more present than the maybe 5% of me that has hope things could be fundamentally different. ET frames it as state change versus trait change.

[keepingthehopealive]

Emdr intensive session #1.

I want to write about this. May end up making it private or even deleting it, but right now sharing feels ok and safer. This is basically what I wrote to my therapist PT (main therapist) after the session with ET (emdr therapist)

The freeze was immediate and extreme. I went in and immediately curled up quite a bit and didn't make eye contact or engage. There wasn't any judgement about me not making eye contact and ET did a lot to show and tell me how it was OK. I think it kind of helped that ET knew it going in so she addressed it immediately. It was an interesting balance of her not immediately trying to save me from it or push me out of it jumping into conversation or questions, but also not leaving me stuck in it. She gave me a couple fidgits to play with while we talked and talked through some small movements with varried success on my part. I spent most of the 3 hours in the freeze, but to varrying levels. ET told me right from the start that she has experienced tonic immobility and freeze before and that she does understand it. She also later said she has worked with multiple clients with dissociative presentations and freeze.

When we were talking about the dogs or work, I felt some moments of reprieve. I didn't really "lose" my voice till the last half hour but I was able to push through it. Towards the end, I also started getting really bad stomach pain and cramps. My body feels depleted and in pain today, which isn't a foreign experience for me, but feels quite extreme. I crashed hard after session yesterday and am glad I have the weekend off, since I don't think I'd be able to jump back into work after the session.

We talked a lot about the freeze and she tried different things to get me to move and work with it. I of course was a failure and couldn't do much of anything she suggested or asked of me, even the tiny things like closing my eyes or small movements. Its reinforcing the hopelessness and pointlessness of doing all this because I cant even fucking try. I know it wouldn't have been a reasonable expectation that I'd suddenly be able to do something different, it just feels so shameful, especially as I'm now spiraling over some of the things that I (should have, wish I could have, wanted to etc) try when ET suggested or asked me to try. Especially when she tried showing an EMDR technique to try (flash technique). I wanted to scream at myself that its the whole fucking point and how im a weak failure and wasting everyone's time if I cant even try.

We talked a lot about protective parts and defenses and identified some of the big ones for me which were the freeze, (skin) picking and then the "I cant". I felt like it did weave into a lot of history taking too, and we covered a lot, but it didnt feel too intake-ey.

ET did a lot of psychoeducation, a lot of stuff that felt familiar to me and I already knew (which she was validating about and respected and didn't talk down to me) but some from a different lens with parts work. Shame made those parts of the conversations really hard to engage with. It wasn't that they didn't feel relevant or land with me it was the thoughts about how it shouldnt land for me and I don't have trauma or deserve it. One of those exercises was thinking about the fearful part and how old it is/what it needs to loosen the grip on some of the defenses. That was where the "I cant" came in full force and I couldn't engage or even try. It was also very hard to engage at all with what was happening in my body.

I felt that ET was way too nice and validating. In the begining it felt more infantalizing and like fake niceness but I don't think it was. It was just her going slow and not pushing me, probably made worse by the fact that I walked in and immediately froze and all the defenses came up (so damage control on her part basically). It got a bit better as the session progressed, and I communicated it in the way I could. I actually used what you had said about how deliberate validation and reassurance doesn't work well for me but I do better with genuineness. Even before I said or communicated any of that, ET had already self disclosed that she's experienced the freeze and tonic immobility before. I ultimately felt she was genuine but still too nice. She kept saying "its fine", particularly when I was shame spiraling, and I pushed back. ET's response was that it was fine for her, even if it wasn't for me.

Other stuff:

ET does both EMDR and parts work so a lot of what we talked about was more parts work based. she mentioned doing a "map" but we only got as far as making a list of the protective parts coming up as there was a lot to talk about there. She also talked a lot about the polyvagal theory, window of tolerance and how I am alternating between hypo and hyperarousal but never in that window of tolerance. PT does ACT and said they've reframed it as "window of flexibility" where its the state where you feel and are able to make decisions.

Another thing ET said when I was talking about my mother is the term "emotional incest" which I've never heard but she explained and I looked up after is similar to enmeshment. The bit that I looked up is very relevant to my relationship with my mom.

My HW is a resourcing/anchoring activity of thinking of times, people, places etc where I have felt that sense of safety or neutrality in my body and in myself. Im going to write about it separately I think because PT and I have been working through it together, which has been helpful and interesting.

I see ET again in about a week and half so it'll be 3 weeks between the appointments. Im not sure what will be after that as that is what we booked so far. Its already been hard and intense, but i at least think I want to keep trying for the time being since it is a different approach and something new.

[keepingthehopealive]

Haven't written on here in forever but here we are.

Starting this Friday, I'm adding in EMDR therapy in addition to my therapy with my primary therapist which is more talk therapy. Im doing an EMDR intensive format with 3 hour sessions once a month. I see my primary therapist 2x a week, but will just do once the week of the EMDR sessions, or I'll play that by ear depending on how it goes. It's expensive so I do really hope it's worth it and that it helps. I feel privileged and lucky to be able to afford it. One of the things that helps is that the EMDR therapist is someone my therapist supervised so the collaborating between them should be easy and it makes me feel more open to trust and willingness with the EMDR therapist. they also have a quite big social media presence (they share that very openly in their intake emails) and that's helped with some of the anxiety of meeting a new therapist since i have a bit of a sense of how they are and might be. From our phone conversation, I think the fit will be good too.

I am doing it specifically to try to work on the extreme freeze response I'm experiencing and hoping that getting through that more somatically will help me to use therapy more effectively and make it safer. The goal is kind of "find safety in my body/self" Im terrified and its been a month now that I've known about it and been panicking. My therapist has been so good and helpful with the anxieties and anticipation, but its been tough to manage all around. Now it's 4 days away and I'm spiraling. I'm terrified, and terrified with any way it might or could go. It's been exhausting. I have 3 busy days before the appt which could maybe help or hurt this whole situation, im not entirely sure.

[keepingthehopealive]

The pre therapy appt anxiety, pit in my stomach, I don't wanna be here today, feeling is so strong and bad right now. I already got myself here, despite even that being so challenging, so just have to go in and wait for her to come get me. I feel like I'm gonna puke. And our appts almost always go well, are helpful and ok, so this is a little ridiculous.

Last appt I shut down at the end and thankfully it was virtual and I was able to tell her that I needed her to end the call, which she did and it ultimately went OK. Although super challenging.

We've been doing 2x a week but I think this week will just be once because the holiday. So hopefully today does ok for me. Plus I'm in a crisis and the appointments have been both helpful but also painful and overwhelming.

My hope is I can communicate and hopefully we can find a way to help me regulate from the start, so I don't shut down because that's the fear. I had an abandonment nightmare last night too.

Also i might start writing more about my sessions because I think it could help again but we'll see.

[keepingthehopealive]

My 6(!) New fosters. Momma and her 5, 3 week old babies! An "accidental litter" surrendered to the rescue because of on overwhelmed caregiver. Seems they lived outside for a bit though. Still need to bathe the babies and mom could use one too. But they are healthy so she has done good, where ever they were.

Mom is the sweetest girl who just wants affection and attention and love. She hasn't been super interested in staying with the babies, which I guess is normal for this age as they will be ready for food next week. I'm so excited to watch them grow and clean up all their messes ;)

[keepingthehopealive]

Long weekend and I'm not working so yes I did bring home 3, 10 day old pups to bottle feed. The night went relatively smooth, even being up every 2 hours with them. They all made it through the night and are eating well so I'll take it. Hopefully the shelter is able to trap mom today so they can be reunited with her and nurse. If not they'll stay here till Monday (or if she's trapped before then) and then go to a long term bottle foster. I'm quite smitten with them but can't do it longer term with work and my dog, who is being so good with them and is mostly just confused and keeping distance from his whiny new roommates.

[keepingthehopealive]

I had him 3 weeks and my dog who's usually amazing and has no issues with other dogs and was best friends with this baby, randomly had an awful day and started a relatively scary fight with him. Thankfully no major injuries but it was traumatic for me and so scary. I don't have the ability to separate them as I would need to and do all the reintegration with them, so it was best but fucking devastating to bring him back to the shelter. I have been crying for days and cried when I returned him and its been completely awful. I will still see him and get to hang with him when I'm there and I'm planning to get him out as much as I can.

I'm also going to continue to foster but have different boundaries with my dog, make sure he gets his individual attention and enough alone time. And that I'm better at respecting his signs because this was partially my fault. I'm feeling absolutely terrible and shameful and spirals. Therapy on Monday can't come soon enough although I'm not sure I'll even be able to talk about this at all. But it should still help. I've gotten a lot of support from a lot of my friends and people in the rescue, which I don't feel deserving of. I'm gonna give my dog a few weeks break from fostering and then maybe go for a calmer chill dog.

New foster baby boi. He was experiencing severe shelter stress and really needed out so the second my last was adopted, I went and got him. He's amazing and is settling into the house already. Hes got some quirks but we're gonna work on them and get him adopted!

[keepingthehopealive]

Long post about therapy and brainspotting and my session today.

My therapist and I tried brainspotting today in our session for the first time.

Brainspotting is a somatic based therapy approach. It's kind of similar to EMDR, I think it was maybe even by the same person who came up with EMDR, but it's not specifically for trauma necessarily. My therapist described it as a "top down approach" where it allows your brain to heal itself. It's a little hard to describe but you look at a pointer at different spots in space while focusing on a feeling, thought, emotion, sensation, memory etc. You can do it to find a spot in space where it's more or less intense depending on what approach you're taking in the session. Then you just look at that spot and notice what's happening. You don't have to talk but can obviously process what's happening in the moment and the therapist can ask questions or guide it or just let it be. Im not sure if background sounds or quiet music is always a part of it, but I wore headphones today and listened to some calming stuff while we did it.

My therapist and I are integrating it into our therapy to see if it helps with some of my shame based blocks, barriers and struggles with verbalizing and talking about things and probably more too if it continues to evolves (like processing memories or emotions and stuff).

Today we focused on physical tension and anxiety in my body in the moment. I only did it for about 5 minutes because it was a lot. Mainly having to look in her general direction (my "spot" was to the side of her but still closer than I'm comfortable with as I usually keep my head down and color) was exhausting and very anxiety provoking. She was so compassionate about it and actually said I did it longer than she thought I would be able to. She understands me well and she knew it would be a lot so she checked in with me after a few minutes of it and I was able to communicate I wanted to stop. Plus, even though we planned to do it, we ended up talking for a bit before I finally asked if we could try it. She probably thought i didn't want to do it but I was just too anxious to start it. I'm happy I didn't chicken out when she went to hand me the headphones because I wasn't expecting that.

It led to a really interesting conversation about my anxiety, in particular my more physical based anxiety and tension in my body. She reflected that I have a strong mind-body connection and when I responded just saying "unfortunately", she said the goal can be to try to make that a positive thing instead of something that harms me so much.

Our plan going forward is to start sessions (maybe not all of them) with it and just do short sessions of it to increase my window of tolerance with the anxiety I feel. I think if I can work on tolerating the anxiety in the moment and using brainspotting for that, I can eventually use it in other ways to help in my therapy and with some of the things I want help with and have struggled with and been stuck with in therapy in specific for so long. I'm also a little afraid to have any hope or expectation for it. I appreciate the most that she isn't presenting it as a quick fix or cure all and has already said if it doesn't work for me that's OK too.

[keepingthehopealive]

New foster baby boi. He was experiencing severe shelter stress and really needed out so the second my last was adopted, I went and got him. He's amazing and is settling into the house already. Hes got some quirks but we're gonna work on them and get him adopted!

[keepingthehopealive]

Working my first night shift at this job and first night shift in a few months. Started off busy ish but slowed down and now I'm just looking at pictures of the pups to keep myself awake. Everytime I check the camera, my dog wakes up so I think the camera makes a sound when I look at it so I'm trying not to check it but I could see he was restless at the start of the night. I gave him meds to help as I transition to night shift and will do so for at least a few shifts.

I'm back tonight with my night preceptor and although having the same kids would be good for consistency, I'd actually prefer a busier assignment. I'll probably kick myself later for saying that.

[keepingthehopealive]

Feel free to ignore this with zero explanation, just delete it if you want to. But as a longtime follower, I guess I just wanted to ask how you’re doing and if/how you’ve been able to move on from what happened with K. That still pops into my mind when I see your posts and it was such an awful thing that it’s hard to forget even just for us followers. I’m so sorry you went through that. Take care.

Thank you for sending this message and I find it thoughtful too that you think about it and me and understand the impact of that situation and ending.

I have definitely not "moved on" and it's still something that affects me deeply and is a painful point/trauma for me in my life. It was very prominent and painful when I first started with this new therapist a few months ago. We actually processed it and talked about it quite a bit, as it was big at the time for me in starting with her. She is more similar to K than L my therapist was and I think that's why I was thrown into the obsessing and pain about it again, but it's settled a bit. I was in a huge crisis when I started therapy with L a few years ago, so it wasn't a huge piece of our work together but it has been with this new therapist. She also reminds me more of K than L did in a lot of ways. I think it's something we're going to process more and we might do a more targeted therapy on those memories and relationship that this therapist does.

[keepingthehopealive]

So the thing my therapist said yesterday that was a little mindblowing to me after the fact was this...

I was processing my relationship with my mom and family and the anxieties and boundary struggles that persist with us, especially around her and her family.

My therapist commented that I am experiencing the paradox of being so emphatic that I feel everyone else's emotions and anxieties as my own and then I'm trying to cope with those emotions with coping strategies and techniques, but because they aren't my emotions to begin with, those things don't work to alleviate or help the emotions.

I've truly never thought of it this way before. That these emotions or anxieties I'm experiencing aren't my own (I do have my own on top of it though) so maybe I can't be so hard on myself for not being able to deal with them or cope as well I think I should be able to. It's such an interesting perspective to think about.

I also talked about how I feel so confused and jealous and then hard on myself for how my sister and dad are able to be mindful in the moments we're around family and not get absorbed by all the emotions and generational trauma honestly. My therapist said that I never learned differently and that I'm the glue in the family and put the effort in to make sure no one else experiences what I do so of course they don't experience it the same. She also talked about triangulation and how my mom has "trained" me this way my entire life so it's not the personal failing it feels like it is (maybe, I still have a lot of self blame, but she offered a new perspective to it). She did so in a way that wasn't and didn't feel judgemental or that she was just unequivocally supporting me or taking my side, but that she was listening and reflecting back.

I'm looking forward to processing this session and the thoughts I've had since yesterday next week. I'm also feeling extremely lucky to have found this therapist because she's really good.

[keepingthehopealive]

With my therapist's permission, a conversation and a concrete plan (more for myself as she is fine with no reservations about it) I started recording our sessions. I only just recorded today's session and it's already been so beneficial for me. I'm only going to listen to it 1x and then delete so I don't get stuck in the old obsessive and unhealthy spirals with it like I used to. And things are so different now than they were and this is a new therapist and completely different relationship. But she said something today that I kind of remembered but would have likely forgotten and it was so powerful to hear her say it and be able to write it down for my journal. I've been Journaling after every session and I really think the recording is going to help with that too in that I won't feel as pressured to journal asap after our appointments before forgetting things.

I also feel comfortable with this because I know we're going to and can have conversations about it to make sure it's helpful and not harmful for me and adjust as needed. She already said today she'll love to talk about it next time and process how it is for me to record. She has proven and shown me that she is consistent and remembers things, brings things back up and picks up on things and thinks about things that even I don't. She knows a lot about my history already and seems very in tune with me during sessions and between the appointments too I can tell that she is thoughtful about them and about things.

[keepingthehopealive]

This sweet thing is my first long term foster since moving. I was trying to wait till I switch to nights but couldn't wait any longer. Thankfully i have great dog walkers who are eager to hang with 2 dogs while I'm at work.

She is just off the streets and is adjusting great to home life. She is about 1 and I would guess has never lived in a home, but is loving it. Super snuggly, sweet snd such a love. She's tolerant of my dog and coexists well with him but isn't interested in playing with, much to his disappointment. She's also HW + but this shelter will still adopt her out and then they cover and do the treatment. I'm happy to keep her as long as it takes to find her forever home but I hope it's soon. The last picture is her a few days ago when she was found in a park nearby the shelter.

[keepingthehopealive]

Therapy updates

I have officially started the termination with L, but we are going slowly which I appreciate and makes it feel a little less real. So we've got as far as going every other week and will go monthly after. I'm not sure how long this will be and I'm letting L kind of chose because it's too hard for me. As I am starting with a new therapist, I feel like I might get to a point where I feel more ready to end with L but I also know it's going to be super hard and painful either way. L has been so good to me for the last 2 years and it's hard to have to go through yet another termination where it is premature, even if I chose it by moving. She is a consistent person in my life and in my weeks and has been there with me through a lot. I so appreciate how she is letting the termination be slow, I know she knows how hard this is for me. We haven't quite discussed it a ton yet, but I imagine over the next few sessions we will.

New therapist B is going well. I've seen her twice and feel very comfortable with her already, I can already feel trust building with her and have taken a lot from the sessions. All good signs. We talked about the blog a bit and I didn't flat out ask her if she's comfortable with it or not, but she also didn't say she wasn't. I think I might ask for more clarification if she's OK with me writing about the sessions, respecting her privacy of course. I don't see why it would be an issue, but given the history I would feel most comfortable asking and making sure it's OK. I've been using my journal a lot to process sessions and already making lists for our appointments which has really helped already (and she accepted openly and encouraged)

She has not made me feel too much with anything that has come up so far. She's also done things already to help me feel comfortable and safe in sessions. She does a couple different modalities of therapy, one of which is Brainspotting, that sounds super interesting and I'm hoping it's something we can do together. It's similar to EMDR (I think the same person?) and is based in mind body connection while processing things (trauma, emotions, past experiences). She already suggested something we could do it with. She also seems very integrated in that she doesn't stick to her modalities alone and is very accepting of everything it seems. So far so good. Which doesn't stop me from having lots of anxieties and fears, but I do also feel lucky to have already pretty easily found someone who I think will be a good fit for me going forward.

[keepingthehopealive]

Updates

Job- going so well. I have a lot to learn, but also have a good basis of skills and knowledge which is allowing me to jump right in. My preceptor has worked there over 30 years so her knowledge is beyond extensive. Everyone has been so nice and I love the patients and their families. I'm definitely where I'm meant to be. I'll write more specifically on my other blog about work though

Fostering this weekend was so nice! It was good for me and for my dog to have another dog around and I know it was good for her to get a break from the shelter. I miss her so much already. Me and the dogs spent time with my cousins this morning, the dogs got to enjoy the nice weather and run around, B (foster) practiced being brave and meeting new people. All around a good day. E is currently catching up on sleep from all the play time. I hope to take her, and other pups out for breaks again, until I'm on nights or find a good fit that can do ok when I'm at work all day with just the walk mid day. B had too much energy so I know in some ways its better than the shelter but still didn't want to do that to her. Once I'm on nights I can take longer term fosters, but in the meantime these slumber pawtys are perfect.

Therapy- had an intake on Friday with a therapist and I thought it went really well. I didn't book another appt yet because I have another intake on Tuesday and therapist 1 (the nature therapist) knew that. Long story short we specifically talked about if she would see me and felt comfortable (I asked) and she said yes and said she would be upfront if that wasn't the case or if I needed more care she would tell me that and get a team for me etc. Then today I get a message that was pretty nonspecific that she's not able to see me, no reason given, just that the level of clinical support I need is outside her practice (what?! I've been doing weekly therapy now for 2 years and have been fine with that). I know it's unreasonable and maybe weird but I am so hurt and confused by it. I'm in a stable place and have been for a while, I'm not overly relying on therapy but benefit from the support. I don't know what I said or did that made her make that decision. I thought it was gonna be a good fit and was excited to work with her because she's different than what I've had in the past. I know I can't get stuck on it and maybe it's not as personal as it feels, but it feels pretty damn awful. And personal. I did message back and nicely asked for more of an explanation but I imagine she won't likely respond. And I know at this point I shouldn't want to see her anyway. It feels like a big rejection and proves that I'm too much and too hard for even a therapist to put up with me. I'm spiraling a lot. I thought this time would be different and that I would be in control of choosing who I want to see and had options (last time I had intense SI and SH and that really limited who would see me outpatient especially)

I'm hoping Tuesdays intake goes well and I've already started looking for other options if I need them. I still will be seeing L too until I settle with a new provider. I sent her an email today because that helps when I'm this upset and triggered. I know I'll find someone to see, I just hate all this so much.

I'm excited to go back to work tomorrow and am just gonna snuggle the pup and try to move on from this situation because I can't do anything to change it.

[keepingthehopealive]

Fostering this sweet gal for the weekend. Shelter breaks are always beneficial even short ones as kennel stress is real, especially for a young high energy bunny like this one.