#I. I just feel like I’m withering
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Am I just stressed (mostly bc of 爸爸), getting sick, or getting sick bc I’m stressed?
Completely related I want to lay down and sleep for a week. (I cannot. I have class and homework and meetings and work).
#shattered fragments#vent#I don’t have time for this bullshit#especially not since we’re down another person too…#for a While#if it’s true that your parents model what you’ll accept in a relationship down the line I’m fucking doomed#but I still hope to hell I can at least trust whoever happens in the future#bc tbh. grounds for divorce to me.#I would never trust them and I wouldn’t feel safe#and that’s just. not a good basis for a relationship#who knows#maybe I will stop getting new concert tickets (except for my must sees)#and save up to go back to school full time or maybe for a down payment for a shitty condo#bc I can’t keep going on like ‘I can’t keep going on like this’ as often as I do#and the most likely thing is that I just stay in stasis#hating living with my parents. not enjoying work or school#and my main enjoyment comes from my friends and walks in nature#gosh. this is a lot for being on my lunch…#at least I feel useful at work…#most of the time#I know my main co decorator appreciates me#I. I just feel like I’m withering#maybe I just need a good cry and a long night’s sleep
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today I am sad because i want to be someone who is so full of joy and love and compassion for humanity, but I fear the world is slowly taking that out of me. I feel so disconnected from the things I used to find beautiful. I do not feel like myself, and I want someone to tell me how I can find my way back to me again.
#sorry it’s just for months I feel like I am sort of dying like not to be dramatic#I just feel like I’m withering decaying like my spirit is slowly dying#and I don’t know what to do about it
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dealing with depression for a solid decade is weird because at this point I’ll be feeling like a part of my soul has been ripped out and I just shrug and keep trucking on
#yeah every single task no matter how small drains me into a husk but I still have shit to do#so I guess I’ll just keep going#ya it feels like I’m a hollow shell withering and dying but it’s no biggie this just happens sometimes#illia original
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im like this close to dying. This is not my best day
#camera talks#/dramatic I think but also I feel a little like I’m withering away with no impact on anyone#im laying down in a closet in the dark and sobbing#and have been for more than an hour#I don’t want to be found I just want to stay here forever#I don’t even know if I can get up#I want to drive myself away from here I need to be alone or at least away from people I can get mad at#I need to sleep for so long and not be conscious at all#I just don’t want to do this#which is so stupid bc overall I’m so happy rn#so why am I like this !!!!#<- has depression BPD and several other mental illnesses#fuck I don’t want to think about getting better#it’s so fucking hard why is it so hard#and I’m trying I’m trying and I want to get better and I’m working for it#I know these setbacks happen but it’s so disheartening and awful
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sorry i have vampire the masquerade brain worms u can ignore this.
astarion is Obviously ventrue and as someone who grew up in a banite church i feel like xarrai should Also be ventrue but i feel like it would be insane to make them anything but toreador. but then i thought. maybe they are both ventrue trying to come off as toreador. absolutely the funniest shit on earth to imagine two different ventrue trying very hard to make everyone think they’re toreadors for two different reasons. LOL yep definitely here in the pursuit of beauty don’t mind me… :)
#anyway i want astarion to diablerize cazador :)#i mean that’s more or less what he does in the ascendant ending but i want it vtm style#also: gale is tremere karlach is brujah shadowheart is la sombra#lae’zel is… maybe also brujah?#halsin is gangrel….#honestly halsin is probably just not kindred but gangrel halsin is fun to think abt#i have to think about wyll actually#tho i’m tempted to say toreador for no reason other than they are my favorite and it does suit his romantic streak….#could also kinda see ventrue wyll?#i haven’t seen enough minthara to diagnose her with a clan LOL#withers is nos lmao#feel free to tell me if i’m wrong tgese are like all off the cuff and i’m a filthy vtmb fan to my core so like. my wider knowledge is a#little limited#OH HM MALKAVIAN XARRAI WOULD WORK…#one of those malks u look at and think “’but ur like fine?’ until they r Not#titus reed vibes if anyone listened to port saga (i haven’t listened to season 2 yet lol)
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i think i need routine in my life
#it’s like i’m withering away#it’s nice but also: feels bad not doing anything#i can’t bring myself to do important things and i’m just kinda existing??#waking up super late eating doing nothing on my phone feeling like the day is wasting away eating sleeping repeat#yet part of me is dreading the moment i don’t get to have this#also: guilt#angel.txt#get me out of this state#i keep thinking about jobs#and school#it’s in the back of my mind#i genuinely don’t like this tho#the days are the same and i don’t feel like doing anything#i need something in my life#and a routine#purpose#some kind of purpose#im wasting away i tell you#haven’t even been feeling very social either#hhnng
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#i’m not suicidal but lately i keep thinking about how nice it would be to just wither away into nothing#i already feel so small and so alone#having all these feelings with no one to lean on and talk to#i mean i have friends and i adore them#but so many of my emotions feel so big and insurmountable and everyone’s dealing with their own shit#i don’t want to put mine on top of that#it’s terrifying to feel alone but at the same time the thought of disappearing is comforting#i think that’s why i don’t want to eat#i just want to get smaller and smaller until eventually there’s nothing left of me#and it’s like i was never there at all
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#Back to college. My attachments to people have withered away almost completely. Its refreshing but also boring. Not caring about the-#-outcome of a situation leaves life feeling dull. I almost want to get as mad as I did and as sad as I once did to feel something.#Maybe that’s why I get into relationships all of the time because it’s stimulating enough. I just feel empty and like I’m playing a part-#-in a play. In this play I have two special interests (people) and both aren’t very fulfilling or justifiable.#I am a scholar and I am making my life as beautiful and whole as I can. I am attempting to remain the most attractive person inside and-#-out that I can. I am falling back into my narcissism and I genuinely do believe that I am better than others.#There’s no to answer to any of this worry around relationships because it’s pointless.#People are people and there are many more to meet and love. I need something new soon. I want to be happy but I can’t feel it.#My personality and interests and successes don’t exist outside of someone else observing them. Similar to quantum physics. So..#..are narcissists actually wrong and everyone else is pretending that they exist outside of observation?#I kind of don’t care either way. I’m kind of done. If they want to leave they can. If they want to stay they can. Choose wisely.#grey god
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i hate going “hey i might not be up to hanging out im just not doing well mentally” but also i know if im either constantly panicking or completely out of it while we’re hanging out then it won’t go well
#got into a fight with my mum because she was like ‘well why r u still scared when we’re not seeing massive waves and hospitals aren’t#overrun and this 80 year old family friend has had it three times and is fine every time#and do you look at what people who don’t have the same opinion of you are saying’#my response to this was ‘no I do look at the scientific articles that come out though and most of the ones about covid are finding it does#damage to multiple parts of the body’#like. i already have fibromyalgia. we’ve removed the cancerous tumor but i still have iodine radiation and have to hope the cancer cells#they found in my blood vessels didn’t go far enough to spread and if they did that the iodine destroys them#like. is a kid with fibromyalgia not enough. im not doing chemo so it’s fine right just get me sick#does she not fucking remember how it destroyed her husband. she watched it we all fucking watched for weeks as he withered away from this#fucking disease#and then everything we didn’t see we got in twice daily calls from the hospital as they told us how his kidneys failed and they were excited#when he could breathe on his side for two hours instead of just on his stomach and then it killed him#am i the only one in the household who remembers seeing my dad as a barely breathing corpse when we forced him to go to the hospital because#he couldn’t say three words or walk a few steps without panting like he’d just done a sprint#im tired of her making me feel crazy for not wanting this disease im not irrational or insane for this i promise i promise im not#im tired of her coming in 5 minutes after i leave an argument going ‘don’t be angry with me. it’s just that-‘ and then making my only safe#place in this house a part of the argument too#fuck it it’s fine I’m out in a few months anyway#vent tw#sittin g in a corner rn so that the only open space is in front of me and i can pull my legs up to my chest and my fan is on and my windows#are open and im tired of being called crazy and paranoid and irrational#covid tw
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it’s probably just the depressions and the dissociative disorders but I often feel like I’m just possessing my own dead body
#i feel wrong. fake. gone. in a way that I can never explain#i few twisted like im watching someone just. wither away and I want to help them but it’s me#everything feels so heavy and so weird#and idk it’s like the small things#my lips seem to move different my eyes seems slightly too far apart#my reflection takes too long to change#just a second too long#am I losing my fucking mind#n of course this isn’t helped by the misfit toys#hm. that’s very specific wording that I personally don’t use#I’m not gonna dwell on it too much but I see u#either way#idk I just feel too long too short too unbaalanced#it may be the drink. I feel so much resentment for so many people rn it’s insane but but but the stuff I use to help w my bpd rlly works#just cause I feel like ass at one moment doesn’t my feelings r right n even if people constant treat me like SHIT it doesn’t actually mean#they treat me like shit I just perceive it#at least Chevys back home for another day. so many of those thoughts go away when they’re around#I just wish my brain knew it wasn’t like. always go time I want to be able to relax fr#esp since my ass does NOTHING IM JUST A SACK of shit or something idk#it’s 2am I have to be up at 8 lmaooo i fuckin hate it here. I’ve gathered that I’m just depressed and nothing is actually wrong#well I mean there is. I’m very mentally ill and am constantly surrounded by stressors so I’ll never really be able to heal until I leave#but besides that things r pretty okay :’) I will be okay#I thought abt my butch once and now I’m 60% less breakdowny I love lesbianism
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i’ve lost so much weight that i don’t even recognise myself anymore.
#i literally feel like i’m withering away#i haven’t been able to feel my bones as much as i can now#i don’t feel like i’m in the body i know. everything feels foreign.#i feel like my arms are just gonna snap#my hands don’t look like the hands i know#i’m so scared i’m gonna lose myself to my ED again#i’m so scared to slip backwards#and i literally feel so alone in all of this#who tf gets triggered by their own body#ed trigger warning#proana blogs do not fucking interact#personal#cashew talks
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why do applications feel like your soul is being lightly roasted at 180C
#I’m applying for. a thing that is very much a once in a lifetime opportunity. and I don’t know if I want to do it.#like I cannot overstate how huge this could actually be#the problem is I don’t know if I actually wanna do it. and I can’t tell if that’s for good or bad reasons#the worst part is I actually have a decent shot. it’s far from certain this is gonna be competitive as hell but I can Do This. theoretically#and on top of that my current boss and HIS boss have connections there that they said they would talk to. I didn’t ask. and I feel like I’m#gonna wither away into a tiny little ball and float off#i know that almost everything is gotten by connections now and I’m only HERE on the fucking poor kids scholarship already that’s why I have#this internship in the first place but oh my god. oh my god.#it’s a three year long thing. that’s so much time. and it’s so much work. it’s work I can do in theory and they’d help me but#god I don’t know how to feel abt this#it’s also a field which I’m definitely interested in but in a way where I’m not sure if I’m That interested yknow. but I think I also am?#I’m terrified that I won’t like it and I realise I don’t want it but get offered it and cannot turn it down bc of how big it is#genuinely the worst part of this is I have a shot. my boss’ boss recommended it to me and she’s fucking insane#I have the draft ideas for what I think is a decent application I just gotta write it but again. it feels like I’m dying.#but I gotta do it by Thursday and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#I’m terrified and I think it’s also something I can’t not put an application in for or I’ll regret it. so I’m going to do it scared.#I’m going to do it sososososo scared. like. literally had to stave off a panic attack at work after talking to my boss abt it today.#I haven’t had one of those in a while#if any of you are reading this and have the space to talk abt this rn pls text me i know I’m allowed but I didn’t wanna bug anyone rn#okay. it’s 10:30. I think I can let myself do this tomorrow. and I’m working from home so I will do it on the clock <3#for now I’m allowing myself to think abt dnd.#luke.txt
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best friend just said she feels hurt by our friendship and wants to talk about it but hasn’t replied back to me 😀👍🏼
#kinda feeling like the worst person in the world rn and idek what’s gone wrong#i mean. i think she might just feel like i’ve been closed off or just am kinda ignoring her?#which hasn’t been my intention at all but like i can maybe see it being that? we haven’t really gone for a hang in a hot minute#but i haven’t hung out w most of our friend group i’ve mostly been going out alone#but maybe she just feels like bc we haven’t hung out that i just am not putting in an effort to hang out with her?#i just. we have very different schedules so most of the time when i’m free or off of work she isn’t so i just go off and do things alone#but i can see if maybe she thought of me saying ima go do something and then not inviting or trying to make plans with her to find some-#-some way to join was me just. not wanting to spend time with her.#i don’t even feel like i can talk to our other friends about it. like idk what to do other than wait to see if she replies#lilia.habla#guess i’ll do a tarot reading 👍🏼#god i feel like putting my head through a wall or something#it’s been a couple of hours since my first message and a bit over an hour since i suggested to meet up wither tonight or some other day#i can’t sit in my car and wait for her all night but idk what else to do
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Guhhhhhh didn’t have dinner last night haven’t eaten anything yet today so whooooo wants to buy me food. Bc it’s not gonna be me
#my ass is BROKE!!!!!! FUCK#I’m so tired of what we have in the houseeee I’m gonna wither away bro#I’ve been eating so improperly lately I feel like shiiiit#I just want a good meal…….. some yummy treats……..#latest from the perch#carrion
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feel so stupidly horribly miserably painfully Bad . Lol
#Perhaps i am a secretly uniquely horrible person ..#Perhaps i will never be fully completely understood by anyone ..#Perhaps i should rot in my hole until i wither away ..#not even my dab pen is saving me . Shit is quite bad!!!!!#Wditing to continue to ramble in tags as i do not want to make another post. Thank u : been crying all fuckin day and spiraling a tiny bit#and it feels extra dumb because i NEED to be doing job apps. and i haven’t don’t any in like a week ?? my dad had a bad health scare and it#just kind of shook me up but also maybe i’m using that as an excuse for why i’ve been lazy. Lol . who knows . just mad and tired of myself#Also have been daydreaming of getting a Tender hug and Kiss on the head and Loving eyes . does anybody know when it all ends#Ok sorry last thing . i got my period a couple days ago and usually i get super depressed right before and then it wanes. However. it is#getting Worse. and that simple fact is making me even more sick n tired. ok goodnight all#Ok editing again to tack on more sorry but i think things will feel a bit better when i go back 2 my apartment. been at home and Lol#was visibly very sad down around my family and they get like. Mad. disdainful. ok sorry!!!!! What!!!!!
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#v#e#n#t#in#coming#>:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((#you ever just wanna fall into the abyss#sometimes i think i am doing so so good#but a mod on the club penguin discord server just made me bawl#and they didn’t even say anything that mean#like ugh idk some days smth happens and i just feel like im kidding myself#that im never going to be recovered and will never be anything other than a weak little thing#that i’m never going to feel like i can handle anything on my own#i just want to be a normal person that doesn’t wither away the second someone in harsh#but instead i feel like a kindergartener that can’t handle anything more than a gentle voice#but im in this big old body that people expect so much more from and i just feel like the girl inside will never match what im supposed#to be now that i’m growing up#blehblehbleh#sorry i just needed to get this out
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