#kinda ​feeling like the worst person in the world rn and idek what’s gone wrong

[nasa-parker]

best friend just said she feels hurt by our friendship and wants to talk about it but hasn’t replied back to me 😀👍🏼

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 14 (Finale) | “All of this and more, but only in Autumn's World” - Autumn

So I figured out that Amir does have the idol and Jakey originally had it that round... damn I wish I looked a little more but I just didn't think Jakey had it. So that probably means that Autumn is going this round, and then I just need to find a way to win this next challenge over Amir. I know Kendall and I will vote together next round regardless, so worst case scenario next round for me is that I am in some kind of fire-making challenge, but I at least see there being a good chance that me and Kendall could be sitting in FTC together, and I'm just hoping at this point that it's Augusto sitting there with us. P.S. In the event that I make FTC... I really hope I'm not seen as a goat. Like, I don't think I am, but I'm not sure how much respect I'll get for my game. I'm hoping people see how savvy I had to be to continuously work my way back up after a couple blindsides and being pushed to the bottom, but you never know with this jury / cast. P.P.S. Please no pressure cooker next round. I'm not ready to have to beat Amir THAT way.

So I'll count that as half of a success. I was at least able to help convince Amir to play the idol he told me about to flush that, and with Autumn safe, the next option was to do Adam. Knowing that if Autumn did have the merge idol, she probably wasn't playing it on Adam, this was the next best option. I need Kendall and Augusto around because those are the two I'd like to bring to FTC if I can make it there. It makes sense to take them to the end as our games are all very similar, so at least we aren't against a winner at the end. Part of me thinks that bringing Amir may not be the worst thing in the world given he has screwed over a decent bit of that jury, but also, I'd rather not take that risk.

So now that that's done and I'm cute and immune, I can confirm it all. Yes I do have the merge idol, yes I've had it since Final 7 but planned not to play it until Final 5, and yes that makes me the most powerful person here. Deadass everyone wants my head on a stick and I don't give a single fuck. I'm chilling all weekend, letting them think they're doing something if/when I lose win immunity, and then I'm sending a man out on one vote Monday night. You think they hate me now? Wait til they find out they can't take a shot at me until Final 4 lmaaaaoo. Be blessed! 

So Amir blames me for playing his idol... I think that's a win for me then, right?

I'm so glad I was able to take this challenge win! I needed to win this to guarantee I wasn't some kind of contingency plan. But now, it's about how can I guarantee a winner goes home. I've already kind of told Autumn she was in trouble (literally 0 point in lying to her about it) and have explained to both Kendall and Augusto that we should find a way to split the votes / guarantee that Autumn and Amir have no shot of working with one another and sending home one of the two people I want with me at FTC. I feel so close, yet so far away from the title of Sole Tumblr Survivor. I want this win so badly. I can't describe how much I want this win. I didn't come back just to have fun; I didn't come back just for maybe an ounce of redemption from Guyana, I came to win this mother-effer. I have at least a 25% shot at the moment, but I want to increase that number. 

Final 5... it's so insane honestly because I never expected this of myself but I've played my ASS off (literally, that's why I'm flatter than a table top) especially these past few rounds. I'm kinda shocked that the clear targets are Autumn/Amir/TJ just given I have been a force in the game (subtly ofc) so its def a gag... but yeah. TJ winning the immunity was WORST case scenario because I wanted to come for that man's neck SO bad but we'll just have to get him next time. Amir having the merge idol isn't a SHOCK but it was interesting to say the least like rip telling me that but both his idol plays are gonna be kinda useless which helps my case! I know that Autumn said me and Kendall have been up Amir's ass but first of all... i'm a bottom so I would never BUT also I feel I've held my own this entire game so it isn't my truth in the slightest but I'll just have to prove her, TJ, and the jurors wrong if I got to. I've gone from flop (16th in Bhutan, 17th in Great Lakes, 12th in Socotra) to the top (6th in Flops, 2nd in Seychelles) but I am trying to WIN and wear my deserved crown, it's time I won something yknow. 

Amir and I when my plan worked and NEITHER of us walked into jury yet again https://twitter.com/abridrakegraham/status/1222552252357005313 The kids HURTIN yall and I will 100% respect their privacy at this time. Like they really thought!!! They really thought they finally killed me and were probably singing ding dong the witch is dead all day and now look at em. They done lost the boy they all wanted to go to the end with, got severely played by me, AND still gotta see my face everyday. Someone check on Jordan Pines I wanna make sure he's not still holding his breath waiting for my demise. And I've teamed up with his other least favorite person? HOES MAD. But it's not just him- Kendall ready to fight Amir in PM's, TJ in his feelings on call during tribal, Augusto couldn't even find the words he was that shocked. It's all so glorious and I truly fucking love wrecking everyone's games. Amir was like I've never felt these emotions before/ this is one of the wildest moves I've ever been apart of and tbh I agree with Amir. This was batshit crazy but you know what the gag is? This is literally just another day in the mind of Autumn Hill Jury mad, the mayos mad, Augusto mad, and I'm literally on top on the world right now. Like I love Augusto yes but that move was the definition of powerful. Like it's not just playing an idol correctly. It's the fact that Amir came to me begging that I forgive him and that we work together again, I then agreed and admitted to having the idol to A WHOLE ASS WINNER, convinced Amir to tell the kids he had the idol, got everyone to feel super comfortable around me all night and day cause I knew "I was going," snapped in the tribe chat at 2:00 because I "just wanted people to be honest about voting me," got the kids to essentially then tell on themselves since they listed all the reasons why they were voting me, and then idoled out their king using his once closest ally. Liiiikkkee?? STIFF WHERE?? DEAD WHERE??? Bitch I'm playing to win ok I hope yall enjoying this master class I've put on cause I'm hanging it up after this. Unless yall get serious about having a TS version of Winners at War, then call me. But otherwise, yes I'm going ham because I have every intention of walking into the 2 time winners chat. I WANT TO ASCEND!!! So PSA: if my funeral is public knowledge, that means I ain't dying hahaha. Apparently everyone has nicknames for me and that might actually be my favorite part. Jakey calling the game Autumn's World all merge to the boys and TJ only referring to me as the Godmother?? iconic! You know I'd hate me too if I wasn't me, which is why I'm flattered by it all. They know damn well they're almost out of time to get rid of me and they've spent the entire fucking game hoping and wishing and praying and still can't pull it off. And them not targeting me out the gate like Jordan wanted has gotten soooo many people killed. But most importantly I have successfully played an idol now TWICE at Final 5.. And I sure did win back to back immunities at Final 4 and Final 3 in Crossroads so finding out this season has a final 2? Perfect let me dust off the blueprint real quick

 https://twitter.com/rcgersnatalia/status/1168071613763342336

okay im going to work my ass of to win this but autumn and tj have both claimed they can do this really well, so like basically, tj cannot win immunity, i need to win or i may be absolutely screwed https://66.media.tumblr.com/583667e85060a36a2cccb8551baa27d5/tumblr_inline_oh5slaYgdO1tr4u58_500.jpg but as of rn, i was going no matter what if i didnt win immunity, i tried to make a story to autumn and we called for like 3 hours and i did my damnest to sell that tj is the problem with everything that happened last round and that i was down to vote augusto for real until tj really sold the plan out to augusto and i didnt want to go to rocks, but i played the idol out of fear that augusto-kendall-tj would 3-2-1 me so she believed there is a true rift in the beauties right now and has more of a reason to hate tj she is so fucking smart so she may have sussed it out and went along with it, but im hoping it worked??? idek but she said if she wins immunity she'll idol me she did admit she has the idol to me but maybe because she knew i already knew

I just... do I even have words anymore? Like, time and time again, I'm getting screwed over and I just... it's a good underdog story now. I just have to win this next challenge. I guess regardless I had to win this next challenge, but also, I was really hoping to not have to have as much concern as I do right now.

What was that?? oh cause I thought the yts who can't successfully kill me had said something https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wux4HnZRY0 Another day, another body bag. THEY WERE SO SURE THEY HAD ME AHHHH I really have to laugh. Kendall was certain this was my funeral and I'm like nah baby it's yours. I'm still screaming that TJ would keep immunity for himself and let Kendall go to firemaking where she would 100% lose that's wild. Only for me to find out after that sis really was THE RAT??? Y'all set her up lmaaaooo. Now I really don't feel bad cause she ran from her karma long enough and if Amir had told me that shit before firemaking I really would've smoked her in the comp. Kendall had no business snitching to Jordan about an airtight unanimous vote and blowing up all her allies' games just to do right by an egom aniac. Then Jordan still died and she falls in love with his bestie boo TJ (he's playing you sis!!) who sensed she could die this round but didn't give a single fuck?? Absolute mess. She really got Devon, TJ, Amir, and Augusto to lie about it the whole game and they agreed because they knew if I ever find out the truth, I'd kill her on sight. Bitch I killed her anyway!!! So was it even worth it? Cause she still walked into jury but she got a better placement and a noble death, which miss Devon and Augusto cannot say. Too busy being lying https://media3.giphy.com/media/6DMfLQEhixGdW/source.gif I feel so affirmed though- every person who has come for me is either sitting in jury or is about to walk in. That's power- that's RANGE! Also I just wanna say to Devon while I'm here:  you really gave me all that grief for considering you could be the rat when you, Amir, and Augusto were in on it and protecting Kendall the whole time??? Fuck outta here. Like whose fault is it really that you died Devon? I wanna know. You mad at me and Amir when you need to be mad at yourself for picking the wrong girl, which is on brand for straight white men but y'all not ready to have that conversation. Anyway! Kendall trying to undermine me the ENTIRE merge and using all these men to do it only to still get killed by me in the end?? Fucking love that shit. All of this and more, but only in Autumn's World

https://66.media.tumblr.com/143402720bb2766ebe14eb1d657e2ca6/tumblr_inline_o8662rxDt11tr4u58_250.gifv

Me before the challenge https://peopletalk.ru/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/tumblr_n49eidw5Zk1rsrbdko1_500.gif 

Me after I went beast mode and embarrassed the men https://twitter.com/intoragnarok/status/1233477557565173762

I'm screaming at Amir asking me after if kept him strategically or out of loyalty and I'm like sis what do you think. I was not about to let the white knights get their way and give TJ the win all because he's a good car salesman. Like y'all should've seen that 1 hr plus discussion of TJ and Amir going back and forth on camera about who I have a better chance of beating and I'm just sitting there IMMUNE taking notes, knowing neither of them wanted this. The power that that has, the intelligence that that has, the clearance that that has, the access that that has. Amir and TJ planning to kill me and then being thwarted once again is arguably my two favorite storylines. TJ wanted to do this the ENTIRE MERGE and I never let him succeed. And Amir wanted to be the one to say he killed me cause he's Mr. Smith when I'm Mrs. Smith and my ass spared him and helped him several times. Now look at em, getting third and second. I made a joke at Final 5 that Amir and I are the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith and it's so true. I adore him as a person and I know he loves me too but we're not above killing each other. Hell we genuinely want to kill each other but time and time again we chose to kill everyone else instead lmao. 

So please enjoy this visual walkthrough of our wild ass partnership

(when we met at merge) https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3f/48/5e/3f485e53a56fb43c62c22c0790e8afd7.gif 

 (when we voted together at Final 11 and Final 10) https://media1.giphy.com/media/l3Ucho9gtq4b7SLok/source.gif 

 (when I caught Amir in a lie and killed Devon as retaliation but still wanted to work with Amir) https://media0.giphy.com/media/l3UcotueAJQAW0zjW/source.gif 

(when Amir killed Ali and Adam to piss me off) https://66.media.tumblr.com/eebc1dc0a509a652ea543aba82bcb1c5/tumblr_ojjk22iVXM1uhcmrao1_250.gifv 

(when Amir tried to get back in my good graces at Final 5) https://66.media.tumblr.com/3b157a36601820370897ace6673af493/tumblr_n17egq7Hdq1r7fawxo4_r3_250.gifv 

(when I agreed to the winners pact and got him to kill Augusto and Kendall with me) https://thumbs.gfycat.com/DefiniteVapidDogwoodtwigborer-size_restricted.gif 

 (when he kept trying me at Final 4 and Final 3/ saying he'd kill me) https://i.gifer.com/3lie.gif 

(when I snapped and took Amir to Final 2, like I said I would, and we both knew he'd lose beside me) https://66.media.tumblr.com/d1f3506fc873a7d2393d705a7f58065d/tumblr_mgooqovRHw1qkdoj2o1_500.gif

mood after everything that's happened and me making FTC again- we out here. Coming out of retirement has been good to me https://twitter.com/emrific/status/1235072497055227907

(final 4) oh dear me this one is a tuffyyyy wuffyyy.... okay okay. so its f4, tj thinks im voting with him and kendall to vote autumn. Autumn thinks im voting with her against kendall to make it firemaking. basically, i was originally gonna vote autumn, and i told autumn and she was like fk no so i told her im convinced but i am STILL UNSURE So if I vote kendall: autumn has to win fire making which like statistically i do not see kendall beating autumn, but then tj takes me to final 2 over autumn, and autumn will take me to final 2 over tj, she also threatened to make jury hate me if I cut her now which doesn’t really scare me tbh if I’m next to kendall anyway, but regardless of that threat, me going with tj and autumn gives me a 66% chance of winning this game. If me or Tj win final immunity, I think I win this game. If Autumn wins, then uhhhhggg she will probs take me but like we will thee i just hope she doesnt win final immunity If I vote autumn: me or kendall have to win final immunity, because if tj wins, then I’m getting third place, and kendall would probably take tj as well, so like, yeah i would beat them both at the end but i would be putting myself in a position where i have to win immunity but idk . i think voting kendall is better as i type dis

final 3 oh my gooooodddd, the fact that i am here is so surreal 2 me, and idk idk this immunity is gonna be the deciding factor of my game and im so nervous but also happy and proud of myself however this game turns out. hoyoyoyooyoy

SO MISSS AUTUMN JUST UHHHHHHHH wooped me arse in immunity and me and Tj had to PLEAD for ourlives but she ended up TAKING MEEEEEEEEE so partyyy Honslee tho, while this is gonna make winning 90x times harder, I am pretty happy to be sitting next to Autumn cuz our end game mr. and mrs. smith alliance is highkey iconic af ewnfewkjfnewkjnf like we killed each others allies and somehow have been aligned since early merge and I lied to her and somehow we always came back and protected each other and if i don't win im happy she will <3 but with that said, i gotta take her DOOOWNNN

AUTUMN WINS 8-1

[need-a-little-magic]

Massive Relationship and Life Rant

Ignore if you don’t wanna hear about it.

So, my boyfriend is abroad for 3 weeks, but I didn’t see him for a week before he left, so it’s kinda more like he’s away for a month. It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve seen him and miss him so so much, but on top of that, I have really bad anxiety whispering in my ear that he will realize he doesn’t actually love me when he’s gone, or that he will come back and see me and realize his feelings for me have faded into oblivion.

And I know that’s totally unrealistic. We make an effort to talk at least once a day, if not 2 or 3 times. It’s tricky tho, bc the he’s 5 hours ahead of me. And I am happy to stay up late to talk to him when he wakes up, and he texts me before he goes to sleep or whenever he gets back to his hotel, and that’s pretty nice; it makes the situation bearable.

(However, as a side note, I am a little frustrated bc I stay up late to talk to him when he wakes up, but he’s been sleeping in until 8 or 9, which is cool bc I understand he’s tired and needs sleep, but also frustrating bc it means I am up until at least 3 or 4am to talk to him, and I also need to sleep. I feel like maybe he could be putting in a little more effort to make this a less stressful situation for all parties involved, but idk maybe I’m being selfish.)

Anyways, I get nervous and anxious that we’re drifting apart quite often for various reasons (I say something wrong or weird over text, I feel like I’m a nuisance, he starts answering in exclusively 5 words or less, pretty much any little thing bc my brain hates me :”]), and when I get nervous, I want to talk to my best friend. Now, idek if she’s my best friend anymore bc we keep fighting and more and more this relationship is starting to feel very toxic, but I have like 4 friends outside of my boyfriend right now irl and I don’t wanna bug my online friends with my shit so yeah I talk to her about it :”)

Well, that’s what I did today. I was talking to her bc I was scared I was pestering my boyfriend with my tarot card project bc he doesn’t believe in it and isn’t into it really (he doesn’t have any issues with it I’m pretty sure, but idk he just doesn’t get it or believe it), but my life is boring and that’s the only thing I could come up with to talk about. He wasn’t really taking it so seriously? Or maybe he just genuinely didn’t understand some part of the conversation, and then he started to space out his replies, and he was getting to the shorter sentences and it was making me panic a little bc my brain is fucked up :”)

I told my ‘best friend’ about this, and she hit me with, “there’s nothing I can say that will change your mind.” I was kind of hurt bc that was rude, but I brushed it off, and I didn’t reply bc I didn’t know what to say to that. 15 minutes later, I get another text from her and it’s a screen cap of texts she sent my boyfriend telling him that I was scared our relationship was falling apart (which was an over exaggeration of what I told her) and I am LIVID.

I told her I was anxious about it in confidence and she turned around and told him what was happening. And before anybody says ‘oh well she probably did you a favour by opening up communication between you two’ or whatever, there was a reason I didn’t want to talk to him about this. He is a good, kind person, and I knew that if I told him I got anxious like that over stupid small things or if I was worried about anything like that, he would at the very least feel bad and guilty for not making more of an effort to talk to me and at the worst feel bad and guilty enough to ruin his trip and/or bend over backwards to try and talk to me all the time, which would effectively ruin his trip, and feel bad and guilty, and he’d eventually resent me for being the thing that ruined his trip.

And like, I was pissed enough that my friend had gone behind my back to talk to him about this (and side note, she texted him when I know I had specifically told her we had to communicate via discord or Snapchat bc the fees for texting when abroad are ridiculous, so there’s that), but she also had the audacity to tell me that I was being over dramatic and unreasonable, which is effectively invalidating my feelings and making me feel like my anxiety is a farce and I’m just being over dramatic about everything, which is something she knows I struggle with already, and she told me that I was just making myself suffer more and effectively making those around me suffer.

I am a massive people pleaser. I want people around me to like me and be happy and I generally help anyone around me in any way I can, and to add to that, I am an incredibly guilty person; I take the blame for pretty much everything and feel awful about it for ages when other people get hurt or upset bc of my stupidity or carelessness. She knows this as well. And she had just told me that I was being a burden to my friends and making them suffer. I feel like a shit person and I hate myself and I never ever wanna talk to people about my problems again in case I’m bugging them and making them upset in the process. And she just kept saying that I was hurting people and I needed to get over myself and I ended up crying :”)

I ended the conversation with her and went and cried and then did whatever I was doing. Later, my boyfriend texted me around 9pm where he is, asking if we could talk for a minute. Of course I was like yeah bc I had an idea what this was. And he started off apologizing for not talking to me so much and stressing me out and all that and he kept assuring me he loved me and that just bc he isn’t talking to me so much doesn’t mean he loves me or cares about me any less. I know that already, and I told him as much, but he just kept apologizing and saying he felt bad for making me worry as much as I do and I just. Guys. My heart broke. I hurt him. I actively do all that I can to try and not hurt him, and bc my supposed friend violated my privacy, I ended up hurting the person in this world that I love the most.

I feel absolutely awful and I’m angry and hurt and upset and I hate all of this so much. I miss him like crazy, I’m constantly worried something is going to happen to him and he won’t come back to me, and now I am worried that he’s going to focus more on putting my dumb clingy ass at ease than enjoying his trip.

Ugh sorry I feel like I’ve repeated myself 3000 times, but yeah, that’s my life rn. Sorry for the rant.

TL;DR my best friend betrayed my confidence and my mental health, relationship, and friendships are probably gonna suffer for it :”)