#I've just been feeling like yelling into the void that is the internet

[jay-goblin-braindump]

Things I have learned about myself after learning about the 'tism

Just some personal stuff that I wanted to write down to have a laugh for the future. Under the Read More so I don't clog up feeds!

I actually hate socks. SPECIFICALLY socks that go over my ankles. I hate the feeling and I've scratched my skin raw before. Thank god for shorter socks. It also feels AWFUL when the sock slips and the heel isn't WHERE THE HEEL NEEDS TO BE.

I don't mind brushing my teeth actually. Until the bristles brush against the roof of my mouth. It's the worst.

I don't really go after leftovers because the texture/taste is different after re-heating it sometimes. There are exceptions though if I want flavor over texture.

SPEAKING OF: sometimes I have flavor cravings and sometimes I have texture cravings. A lot of times, it's a texture craving. I should probably invest in some chewing stims or get some bubble gum.

Sweating is the worst. I hate how it feels when it runs over my skin. It makes me sick just thinking about it. Eugh....

CRICKET FEET = SLEEP TIME

I do not get to choose the vocal stim. It takes so much effort to not vocally stim in public because it's embarrassing outside of my relationships. No, I will not share my current one.

Hyper fixating on every little single detail about a piece of media. This was especially a huge revelation after my Faith: The Unholy Trinity phase. I've learned to pace myself since then.

Why I actually really hate rubber balloons.

Graham crackers are a GODSEND

No joke, like really, marijuana actually helps a lot. It sort of... Evens out my senses? Like I'm not experiencing every single thing all at once. I can simply exist and focus on the things I need/want to focus on. It dulls the senses in a way that helps me. The only drawback is the forgetfulness, time blindness and sometimes I just lay there, letting my mind wander in a state of tranquility for hours at a time and forgetting to blink.

No longer masking is weird. I'm still kind of unmasking, but for the most part, I'm doing pretty good! What's odd to me is how much I really do value honesty, especially when it comes to me. I don't lie, I don't make things a big deal - I am honest.

What's also weird about unmasking is not forcing myself to emote as much? Like, not forcing myself to emote in a way that is not true to me or how someone expects me to emote. I don't have to perform or anything. Expression is subjective, so I might as well just express how I want to.

Some of my hyperfixations are not typical, and that's okay. One of them is psychology and learning how the brain functions. Though, I never want to be in that field in a job setting. Mostly because I don't think I could emotionally handle it. There are other hyperfixations, but they're mostly media based, hahah

Cold temperature = good! No sweat and dulls some senses that helps with my focus! :D Though, I run the risk of getting sleepy too hahah!

[hoothootmotherf-ckers]

my post that I made while in pain and angry about it just hit 10k notes and i’m Emotions

[batterfang]

AI Art and Goth

I'm going to be yelling into the void here, I know, but I want to get this out there because it's frustrating and I just need to yell about it okay lol. It's my blog, I'll complain if I want to.

So, recently there's been some discussion online about bands/record labels in the goth scene potentially using AI generated "art" for their album/single covers. Why does this matter, to me? It matters because as an artist myself, I know the time that goes into creating a piece. The hours, months, and years I've spent laboring away at something that means so much to me. A piece of my soul is in every little drawing or painting I make with intention. My art is my mark in this huge world and evidence that I existed. It's an extension of my feelings and thoughts and loves. That's what art means to me.

On the other side, you have ai generators. On top of frankensteining images from the internet at large, they can also steal pictures or artworks and overlay filters on top of them to make them look like the generator made them. (So I've learned today, which makes me very upset and I also learned what "scraping" means.)

So with that said, I'm sure anyone would understand why record labels maybe using ai instead of hiring artists to create an original piece OR using the huge selection of public domain works that are available is frustrating and an ethics issue. Right? Especially those people that are a part of a subculture that is based on an art form - music. Right?? Apparently that's not the case because there was waaay too many people for comfort arguing that it doesn't matter. "Who cares if they're using ai art?" ... "It doesn't look like ai art to me, stop this holy crusade." ... "This is just rage bait." ... "What about sampling used in music? It's the same thing." To that last one especially, NO IT IS NOT, THANK YOU LOL. Artists interacting with another artist's work and transforming it is not the same as a computer stealing images and spitting out a monstrosity. You might tune your inputs to get a certain outcome, but that computer is doing all the work, all the composing, it's placing everything in that image. Why don't people understand what art means?

Whether or not these suspicious cover arts are in fact ai is up for debate, I'm not arguing that. (Though after personally reaching out to one record label about it and having received the most vague answer possible where they didn't even address my questions fully, I'm even more convinced that they're probably using ai.) What I'm arguing here is that it shouldn't be acceptable, from an ethical and moral standpoint. I don't want souless ai generated pictures to become the norm in the subculture. I want artists to support each other. I want the goth community to support it's artists and musicians. The use of ai art cheapens art in the worst way and harms artists and I cannot vibe with anyone who thinks otherwise.

If you read all this, thanks for taking the time.

[spongeknife]

It might just be me (and I might get flames for this) but I think the SysTumblr Experience is really dumb (and counterproductive).

I started, many years and blogs ago, in this community to find support- to find people who could understand my experiences. I liked getting advice, I liked seeing the creativity people had during hard times, it was especially nice to see that people similar to me could recover and it helped me try again and again when I really thought I would be stuck in a nightmarish trauma hole.

I can barely stand interacting on Tumblr now. Nearly everything system related is washed up by the endo/plurality argument.

Tags I used to use to connect have become some sort of hidden message to show "which side" I'm on. I can't simply exist in any of the spaces I once could without fear of extreme backlash on "picking the wrong side."

And, terribly so, the loudest of each group- the most harmful ones- block out any sort of "good" I may have found before. I do not think everyone in syscourse is the problem, and there are a few small areas I've been able to find peaceful discussion (although, I do not want to find the only peace in debates - there is still a lack of space to just exist).

I also think, most importantly, Syscourse is too easily accessible. Many many times, I've seen literal children in this very tumultuous environment. I can't help but imagine when I was in middle school and grade school, and the shit I was going through at that time. What about now? Literal kids are being sent threats, either to each other or by adults. It's fucking disgusting, and I worried about the risk of reblogging a post and inadvertently directing aggressive syscoursers to a young account.

While it might not "technically" be my job to worry about children on the Internet, I in no way want to cause extra harm or damage to these kids who are just being kids (many of them seem like they're just young and trying to process what they may have been through, and/or are trying to identify who they are. I don't think that's something worthy of all the vitriol they get).

I'm rambling a bit, but my main point is that Syscourse is so unavoidable that all these "safe spaces" aren't really safe.

Are these fears irrational? Are they misplaced?

I'm at the point where I could care less what you label yourself as (I know, a seemingly controversial opinion), as long as you're not trying to hurt others or force your opinion on others (when it's unwarranted).

Being on Tumblr has become exhausting, 2015 Sponge would be in shock that I'm saying it (also I don't really post syscourse anymore, I just want to yell this into the void - I hope I'm not the only one alone in this feeling)

[poognthebrainbois]

Rant/vent about current denial spiral under the cut - some context first: (*extremely brief mention of abuse/SA, medical history mention)

Had a fight with my mom about why I "still think it's DID." There were a lotta layers to that conversation, including:

- My (our) experiences don't line up with all the "research" she's done about DID

- according to her, co-consciousness doesn't exist and "you would have no idea there's another person [controlling your body], you can't be 'standing behind, watching.'"

- she doesn't trust anecdotal/personal experience of actual systems because "that's just people on the internet making up whatever they want"(paraphrase)

- she had also never heard of OSDD before. Even though she claimed she knows all about the DSM-5.

(medical trauma/history mention)

- I was never *physically abused or SA'd, therefore I don't have trauma. (She doesn't believe in emotional/verbal abuse, and all my *medical trauma/history was during/right after my birth (I was born 10 weeks early, had a surgery while in the NICU) so it doesn't count [I can't disagree with that])

(Might make a separate vent post about what we consider possible trauma that she "doesn't count")

- she told me "it sounds like you found something and stuck to it" (paraphrase) (meaning I learned about DID and just decided that was my problem.)

- made the same sweeping generalizations as always about my entire generation "wanting to be different" and "wanting to have something wrong [with us]"

(Again, I could make a separate vent post about what she says during literally every argument)

- told me (us) to "stop saying 'we' for Christ's sake!" (We will not.)

- she decided I (we) need to bring her "actual sources" of why I (we) believe it's DID/OSDD.

Which meant to us that we were gonna stay up all night doing extensive research.

Or that was the plan, before the denial set in.

(Recreation of Denial spiral below, just to throw it out to the void and be able to come back to it later to disprove I guess?? Could be triggering (lots of repetitive phrases, disbelief of trauma, derealization/depersonalization, there's a lot in here.)

What if she's right and I'm not a system? What if it's not DID or OSDD and I'm just desperate to make it into something? What if I actually don't have trauma and I'm secretly an endo??? (Any headmate tries to talk to me) You're not real, shut up. Why did I do this to myself? I ruined my life over something that's not even happening! Why did I let it get this far? Why am I still perpetuating this if it's not true?? It was never a problem until I did weed and "opened doors" that was just weed! I'm making up trauma that's not real! I want so bad to be traumatized so I can feel justified to be mad at my parents when really I'm just an entitled little bitch who's never had anything happen to them and needs to pretend they're worse off than they are! She has real trauma! She's actually been through real abuse and they've never done anything to me other than yell and that doesn't mean anything and I'm just a crybaby for being scared of getting yelled at they never actually threaten me (why do you remember the "I'll give you something to cry about" threat/phrase then???) and I cried over nothing all the time for no reason and I've just always been afraid of nothing. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here thinking about doing all this research just to prove a point?? Just to prove her wrong? That doesn't mean anything! That's not a good reason! I shouldn't even bother. This is a waste of my time. I should just tell her she's right and move on. It's not DID and (Losing my train of thought trying to write this, Jesus) I've just convinced myself it is but it's not. I've made it out to be more than it is so they'll care and that didn't work anyway. I can't believe this is happening right now. There's no way I got this far. That all of this really happened over nothing. They were just characters in my head! Why did I ever start believing more than that when I don't have trauma! Nothing that bad has ever happened to me and all these thoughts that keep coming up are fake and even if some of this stuff was trauma it wasn't in my childhood so it's not relevant. I spend too much time on the internet and I shouldn't just believe all of this stuff. What do I think I'm actually "relating" too? I should've just left it at Maladaptive Daydreaming and been fine. I've made everything worse for myself. There was a reason I stopped doing research on DID years ago! 'Cause I don't have trauma and I can't sit here and pretend I do. Why am I doing this?

(Etc etc etc. Front changed while writing this. I've been in co the whole time but Parker needed to step back for their own comfortability.)

We went back n forth for a while about a bunch of this stuff. Had a number of headmates hop in co-front just to prove a point, only for Parker to continue to tell them they're not real and it's "all me and I'm faking" bro you are at that point proving a point to yourself but okay.

Anyway, eventually Kiara took front and started on research anyway. We were up til 5am. Didn't finish but marked all our tabs so we could go back and finish it up the next day (yesterday). Did not get back to it yesterday 'Cause Parker got anxious.

We now have a deadline to present this shit. We've got a psych appointment tomorrow morning and Mom's leaving on Thursday to visit a friend. So we should get to it today. But they're really not ready for that conversation. Unfortunately we (Lio) told our psychiatrist that we might actually get to that conversation with our parents before our next appointment so now Parker feels like we have to. And if we don't then they'll be anxious about it the entire time Mom's gone which is also not productive.

There's a worry that if any of the rest of us try to explain it then it won't be taken seriously because we're not them. This whole situation is exhausting. We weren't planning on trying to have this conversation yet and now we're so rushed and there's a lot more pressure.

In any case, there's a chance we'll post an update if/when it happens.

If you've read this far, any kind of support would be appreciated. <3

-❤️

[baldurspeen69420]

I know no one is following this blog for my non-BG3 related posts I keep yelling out into the void lately for some reason. I guess since I have some amount of followers now and the games been out for a while I'm increasingly finding myself wanting to put more of myself out into the open. To who I'm not really sure, though. I never tag these things much or expect many notes. Maybe I should have some sort of main blog I use instead at this point, but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe I should stop making these kinds of posts entirely but I can't seem to resist the temptation.

I keep thinking about myself as a kid and the things I wanted to achieve. I really wanted to be an author, and sometimes I still talk about writing and pretend I'm a writer even though I've hardly made anything substantial in well over a year. I have written a book, fun fact. It's really bad but it is written. Published, no. To this day it's sitting on a poorly backed-up Word doc in my PC. I'm probably not going to go back to it and I think that's okay (maybe?). My girlfriend keeps asking to see it since I've left it to the dust but somehow I can't bring myself to send it over. Sometimes I open the document and scroll through a bit and close it again.

It's easier to reblog gifsets and other people's work than make anything of my own, I guess. But I never feel like the things I make are technically skilled enough to count or are lacking some kind of fundamental spirit of truth or whatever. Or both at once, usually. I get disheartened thinking I can practice my prose into the ground for decades and come out a more skilled writer in one sense but still have nothing meaningful to say or fail to communicate it at the very least. I don't even know why I think my work /has/ to say something, I enjoy a lot of dumb stuff that isn't really about anything in particular, but I feel restless nevertheless about it.

Sometimes I think I'd like to go to a mountaintop somewhere with no internet for six months and just force myself to sit and think and reflect but in actuality I know I'd probably spend all my time kicking rocks and eating wheat thins and leave with maybe two pages of solid work and a billion of things left unwritten. Time continues to go by, it's getting colder lately. Next year will be the same thing but a little different. And I'll say to myself, "I should write again". And then I'll log back in to YouTube and watch a four hour video essay about some people I don't know, probably.

[lunarlicorice]

part whatever of my yelling into the void about a gender crisis because i can't go to therapy until august

i think a lot of things have contributed to my sudden breakthrough but part of it is like... i used to fit into that "skinny slightly femme androgynous teen" category which was fine at the time i suppose, i didn't really love it, but i had a lot of other problems and it usually prevented people from misgendering me.

but now i'm not a teen anymore and the disconnect feels even more pronounced. people either assume i'm 14 or a woman and i'm not either of those. i still get catcalled and then am met with disgust when i mention i'm a guy.

another one is definitely i did NOT have any real frame of reference for medical transition. i just knew about surgeries and "oh you can take t to make you a guy". which was really unspecific and my parents heavily monitored my internet activity all through my teens so i wasn't very inclined to look anything up.

and looking it up at first i felt like none of the effects of hrt would benefit me much, but i started to realize... i'd kinda built my routine around avoiding those things about me completely. probably without even noticing it. i never listen to myself in recordings or look at photos of me, i cover the mirrors when i'm in the bathroom, i wear baggy clothes to hide my figure. it never bothered me because i just cut those things out of my life.

and i feel like after seeing a lot of other trans people's photos and experiences online i'm actually kinda excited about it!

my only worry about it now honestly is my voice... i've been singing for 10 years (it's been a while since i've had a vocal trainer tho), and while i HATE my talking voice, i love my singing voice! i'd be pretty sad if i couldn't sing my favorite songs anymore. or even if i hate having a new voice more...

but if i hate it so much i think more vocal training would help most of it anyway. if i'll sound anything like my dad it won't be bad. maybe i could even hit the notes in my favorite rock songs then XP. the other benefits probably outweigh it anyway. i wanna be fuzzy..........

i'm visiting the doctor again tuesday to see if the waiting times for hrt are any better than the ones for surgery (or if i could get a bump up considering my past uhh... crises.). i would hope to start before my 20th birthday at the end of the year, but i think i could wait until next year if i really have to...

if someone read all this hi :] this is more information than i have ever shared about myself in like the past 3 years. we are bonded by blood now.

[xaverie]

Okay.

It hasn't even been 12 hours since Biden dropped out of the presidential running and already I've seen so many posts starting off with hostility and judgement and name calling and demands to "You better vote now, or else."

People haven't had time to celebrate their voices finally being heard. People haven't had time to foster hope that not only might there be a way to defeat Trump in the fall, but an even better option than Biden might be possible. Before too many of you came on here to tamp down that hope with angry lecture after angry lecture.

People who have expressed unwillingness to vote for Biden, or vote at all - people who bear the weight of consequences of America's political system on their conscience heavily enough to give up on it all together - are not struggling with a lack or information, or lack of empathy, or lack of critical thinking. They are struggling with hopelessness. Helplessness.

Do you know what does not help to overcome hopelessness? A continuous stream of rude condescension. And I know you feel that hopelessness too, and you feel it as panic and frustration, or you probably wouldn't feel the need to furiously shout into the void of the internet from behind your keyboard just to take comfort in the few thousand notes you get on your post from the rest of us who are equally panicked and frustrated. That just makes YOU feel better. It's a TERRIBLE look for the Democratic campaign (which you are part of now) and it's not the way to build community.

Do you know what does help to overcome hopelessness? A sense of control. Of being able to see the effects of your actions and take pride in them. Something that is so hard to get from voting alone, and impossible to get from an election that won't happen for months. Instead of yelling, trying to reach out to other people who might be feeling hopeless and come up with a plan together to do something that they can accomplish and feel good about and then celebrate that win!

I guarantee that if you can get people to feel like they matter again, that they have power, they will be so much more interested in voting than they were when you were calling them selfish and privileged and misguided and stupid.

Here is a list of things you can do other than that in order to feel less hopeless, more secure, and more motivated in November:

Register 10 people to vote, or get 10 people to pledge a vote for your candidate. You will never know if your tumblr post led to more people voting or not. If you register 10 people you will have multiplied your voting power by a factor of ten. If you hit that number and feel you can keep going, keep going.

Go to your city council and school board meetings. It's not exciting, but hardly anyone shows up so it's remarkably easy to start introducing the ideas you care about and dissenting to the ones you don't like.

Develop a campaign strategy based on things you want to accomplish instead of things you want to avoid and start working toward those.

If you care about abortion access, find a way to help and support people in your community who might need one. Import medication. Form an underground support system if necessary. Provide emotional, financial, medical, emotional assistance to pregnant people and people who miscarry.

Create a plan with your neighbors to keep each other safe depending on what y'all need. Know what you're going to do in case of a natural disaster, animal attack, or police presence. Get used to signaling danger to each other or what to do if someone needs help.

Learn first aid. Have emergency supplies in your car. Start carrying Narcan.

Learn sign language. Learn Spanish or another language commonly spoken in your area.

If you care about trans safety, start planning ways you can increase it in your city. If you're cis, start making yourself available to escort your trans friends an neighbors in situations that might be dangerous. Doctor's appointments, shopping, whatever, start a network. See if you can starting increasing access to medications now, start importing, or stockpiling. Start identifying sympathetic medical professionals. Do what you can to create safe spaces for queer youth.

If you care about corporate greed and raising taxes, start petitioning those companies to give your communities the resources you need directly. Find the regional directors for the banks in your area, the Walmarts, the Targets, Amazon. Ask them what their charity budget is and tell them what you need. School supplies for the kids, a donation to the food bank, help rebuilding after a flood. They have the money, ask for it!

Become a patient advocate! Visit people in hospitals and make sure they're getting the respect they need. Fight for them.

Write to an imprisoned person. Offer kindness. Advocate for their rights and wellbeing. Join the fight to restore voting rights.

Continue to speak up for people all over the world. Continue to boycott. Stop buying electronics. Keep sending aid.

Do things that have tangible results and enjoy every little accomplishment. Help people take their power back. Do your best to President-proof your community. Take a few deep breaths and keep working. Do all of this while you campaign. Reassure people that it's possible to make things better, because look at all of the ways we can make things better, and that voting will help. Don't let anyone struggle alone.

[bots-and-cons]

Another update and kinda venting lol

As usual, I'm gonna put the update thing here, so you don't have to look for it. So, it's probably been over a week since I last posted at this point, but I'm trying to work on a new post. I have like three WIPs for this blog and two for the other one, so it's not that I haven't been writing, it's just that I can't finish anything, which is annoying. I'm gonna try to post tomorrow though, because I hate when I go over a week without posting. It still happens a lot though...

Venting starts here, just me yelling into the internet void...

When I started my first writing blog (@herofics) back in June of 2017, I used to post twice a day. TWICE A DAY, for months probably closer to a year, I'm not really sure. I've just been thinking that it was an absolutely insane thing to do, and I have no idea how I managed it while I was so badly depressed. Nowadays, I post maybe once or twice a week, three times if I'm really motivated and have a lot of time and inspiration. I can't even imagine how crappy those posts were tbh, I didn't put much time into them and I just wasn't as good at writing as I am now. I've improved so much and I'm so happy about that.

I was supposed to get myself another practical training position for the fall, but I haven't gotten around to it. I was actually supposed to do it in May and let my class's tutor teacher know before she started her vacation at the beginning of June, but guess who has still not done that... I honestly fucking hate that I procrastinate so much, like why can't I just do stuff immediately or at least in a timely manner. Nope, I'm here two months later, complaining on the internet and still not just doing it. I honestly just feel so overwhelmed by the whole thing. I got so exhausted during my first practical training in the spring, and those were like five-hour days. I have no idea how I'm supposed to survive eight weeks with five eight-hour days each, and manage school on top of that, like just fuck me, I'm not built for that. I've honestly been thinking that I probably can't manage full-time work once I graduate, if I graduate...

I'm 24 and I can't drive either. It gives me such horrific anxiety and pretty much an instant panic attack if I even try. On top of that, I honestly don't want to drive, because I'm terrified I might act on my intrusive thoughts. I just simply don't want to drive because of the reasons mentioned above. Since I don't have an official autism diagnosis, I can't access any of the ride services that would provide. At least I'm pretty sure Kela has a service like that here in Finland.

I know I say this pretty much every time I make one of these posts, but I'm doing okay. I'm just kinda scared for the fall when school starts again, because I don't know if I have the energy to do both the practical training and school. I need to finish my summer courses too, and I'm dreading the swedish since I haven't even started it yet. Though one of my classmates did the whole thing in about an hour, so apparently it's not very hard. I just really need to get it started...

Anyway, thanks if you read this and remember to stay hydrated :D

[freegancreations]

Hello! 

I know this is a long shot, but I figured it would be worth the effort to try. I only hope people will listen… It couldn’t hurt, right? 

If you don’t mind, I’d like to tell you about a friend of mine, GrayBeardTv. He is a new YouTuber with a current count of 123 followers. He streams primarily for gaming but spends a lot of time communicating with chat while doing so. We are always included in one way or another, which to be honest is pretty refreshing after the past few years...

I’ve been communicating with him for a while now, and I’ve noticed just how much this all means to him. Gaming isn't just something he does in his free time, it's played a huge part throughout his life. Gaming wasn’t just something to show off, but something to share with others.  I don’t know about you, but I love when I find a passionate YouTuber. By that, I mean you can see how games give him an outlet, a very small community, and a way to make a connection with the world… And I think that’s poetically beautiful. 

I hate to say this, but as a female gamer, I have always tried to avoid going online and playing with others. I've heard, like I'm sure many of you have, all the horror stories of women getting harassed. The other day, Gray asked for people to join the lobby chat so we could all play Killer Instinct together. He was well aware that I was a complete beginner and still welcomed me. We played and he made sure to not only support me in playing but also congratulated me if I had won. 

This may be no big deal to you, Reader, but for me, it meant a lot and gave me a tiny bit of freedom to let go of all that anxiety I've been carrying. I am naturally skittish, and Gray has done nothing but try to make me feel comfortable and welcome in his streams. He has done this for all of us who find him… And maybe this is a stupid attempt to give back, but I would like to try. 

I’m writing this to try and help him with his dream of making this Streaming Opportunity a functional career. I know a lot of people want this, I do, but I think he deserves this chance. He busts his ass constantly trying to give us the best streams he can. His brother also works extremely hard on this channel (making thumbnails, correcting OBS, etc..). This isn’t just one person messing around, but a group effort to really make something wonderful.

Listen, I understand this is the internet, and nobody wants to hear people complain or ask for help. I’m yelling into a black void, hoping to hear a response… But I’m still holding out hope.

I know gaming streams may not be your thing, but if you would be willing to sub to him, maybe even give the stream a try; it would mean the world to all of us. I'm hoping that this letter will find the right people and that the universe will throw me a hallelujah... 

If you think you'd be willing, please check out his channel. He has no idea I wrote this, and probably never will. I just want to try and help a friend reach their dreams, and I hope you will too.

 https://www.youtube.com/@GrayBeard-TV

PS, If you're a small streamer, please drop your info in the comments so I can follow you and hopefully others will too! I know this is a dog-eat-dog world, but I think that's stupid... haha. I want the world to support each other more, and I want to do my part. <3

[casualbluebirdmentality]

do YOU hate Uther Pendragon?

do YOU wish Arthur had gone through with his attempted regicide in S2E8?

...then good news! i wrote a 700-smth word one-shot about Just That!

If you wanna hear me rant about the bonkers way this one-shot came to be, that's down here lol

(...Well, I guess it's not really that bonkers, but to me, it was just such a random little thing that spiraled into something really weirdly motivational, so I think I need to yell the story into the void to process lmao)

Ok so-- yesterday morning, I saw this post in the merlin subreddit (which I'd practically just joined):

And there weren't any in the comments at the time that I saw it, so I responded with this:

Which was quite insane of me for two (2) reasons.

Firstly, it's bc I write a lot privately, but I've never actually posted anything, and it's never been fanfic, but... idk man i just hate Uther. (What more does it take, really, to make someone leap into the unknown and submit themself to the mercy of the internet at large, than to just hate a fictional man So So Much?)

Anyway the second reason is that I tend to over-analyze/labor over every sentence I write, and edit it to death WHILE writing it, so I take so long to write literally anything. But, I wrote this shit:

First thing in the morning (and un-medicated, at that)

In 2-3 hours, a large chunk of which was spent transcribing the entire og fight scene (all dialogue and actions, every notable sword swing) from the moment Arthur first says "I know… what you did to my mother" and Uther orders the other knights to leave the room, to Arthur finally being talked down and gasping out an "Oh lord... I'm sorry" after collapsing to the floor-- all of which was just over a thousand words, even in the most bare-bones, script-ish language. (I only ended up using ~100 of those words as the lead-in to the fic lmao)

And then people liked it?!?!?!?!?

Don't get me wrong, it's not some magnum opus or anything, but like... Idk y'all it just absolutely made me day. I'd been pretty down on myself recently about my writing abilities (and other things lmao) but this made me feel SO much better, like-- damn, maybe this could work out as a career eventually if I ever finish my wips lol, rip. And it was so nice to just write something short without over-analyzing/-editing constantly that I'm DEFINITELY gonna continue doing/posting one-shots like that, which is also really good bc it gives me something more manageable to work on so I can get writing practice in more regularly. Idk y'all I'm just having a great time rn!!!

[mopeymousey]

Mental void meals for the week below the cut. Don't read unless youre interested in a sad girls self deprecating ramblings.

I've been strangely bad at texting people back. That's never been an issue I had before and usually love to talk with people, but I've been so tired lately and then the guilt of neglecting friends compounds it. I don't like this and wish I could go back to being a better communicator.

I have been asked to socialize with people a lot recently and it's draining. I feel like the more I get to know someone, the more reasons I find to not hang out with them or engage with them. It's just excuses to isolate myself, but it's hard to fight against.

I haven't been actively suicidal, but the passive wish for "it" to end has gotten just 5% louder and that pisses me off. Why is it that I do all this work on myself and feel better, but when things go south they still hit rock bottom? Can't I raise my rock bottom?

OCD is just a dark void to me at this point. Just constantly whispering in my ear about how people are going to die and it's my fault. About how avoiding safety compulsions means that I'm a horrible sadistic little thing that WANTS people to die. And then just incessantly repeats these words until I spend an hour undoing all of my "mistakes".

I've thought a lot about weight loss recently. I realize from my time in adolescence where I was restricting that when I feel out of control, I want to control my body and the idea of being skinnier feels within my control. Which it only is to some extent- it's never been a question of simply will power.

And then on one hand, I've learned how to love and cherish my big body. I've never been this confident when I was smaller. I was constantly terrified of being fat, and now that I am I realize it's not that bad. On the other hand, I realized that if someone handed me a pill that would make me a size 4, I would take it without hesitation.

The embarrassment I feel at the idea of going to Europe and being the "fat American" might stop me from ever visiting. That's horrible. I know that shouldn't stop me, and yet it does. I really want to see the cliffs of Moher.

I'm just really tired lately. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm tired of thinking my own thoughts.

I post this because it feels nice to put something out into the internet. Like a void to yell into, but the void keeps a little polaroid of my past mental episodes and gives me acknowledgement that the universe heard me. but I do not expect acknowledgement or engagement from people. I can't possibly be alone in this.

[what-gs-watching]

This week on...

Ok gang. Here we go, I'm gonna start this thing in earnest.

I’m G. I'm a grown ass woman. With a house, and a dog and a husband, and a (difficult) job.

But I fucking love content. TV shows, movies, a good spotify playlist. Maybe my emotions are broken, but for the past few years, content has been the best way to feel something other than the everyday minutiae. And maybe we can thank COVID for a lot of that.

Because yo, once we went on lockdown, I just started binging. Basically, everything. While my husband was off doing his own thing (tiktok, amiright) I was watching literally EVERYTHING. And I wanted to talk about it.

So I started doing a thing. I'd rush into whatever room my husband was in and start talking at him about what I was streaming at the time. Spewing out these ridiculously terrible synopses of episodes with intricate plots, trying to boil it down so he could follow whatever it was I was ranting about because I had to express why the show was gnawing at me or making me feel shit. And most of the time he'd stare at me blankly and then chuckle.

Eventually I decided to start my rant by announcing "THIS WEEK, ON WHAT G'S WATCHING - " and bless his soul, he'd mostly tolerate my diatribes. (Around this time I was watching Fringe, and he'd know I was coming because he'd hear me scream "PREVIOUSLY ON FRINGE" about 45 minutes prior.)

At some point, I started doing it at my sister as well - this poor woman has two small babies all up in her house and I'd just be texting her about WTF was going on with my show, always announcing "this week, on what g's watching..." and every time she'd simply send back "unsubscribe."

So clearly, I hadn't found my audience. But honestly y'all, I think it's funny. And it's a way to get all of this, whatever this is, out. So I've decided maybe the best course of action is to just scream it into this dark and endless void. Maybe internet strangers will appreciate it. And maybe not. Either way, my sister will appreciate being removed from the mailing list.

All that to say: this week on what g's watching - Good Omens.

On repeat.

Am I literally in the middle of my third rewatch of the entire thing in only like, 2 weeks time? Yes. Should I be ashamed of that? Probably.

But fuck it. Season two punched me in the face and the butt and the heart and I went down a fucking rabbit hole. It may or may not be how I ended up on Tumblr (I guess I thought I was a grown ass woman). It may or may not be eating me alive.

Liking completely inappropriate memes? Check. Stumbled into some fanfiction? That's neither here nor there. Reading long-winded posts about whether it was Aziraphale's fault or Crowley's fault, wherein everyone has their own tinfoil-hat theory? Oh yeah. I'm in deep, folks.

I'm not gonna lie, it usually doesn't get this bad. I watched the entirety of Supernatural (all the while yelling "why are they so obsessed with each other? I don't understand why I'm still watching this!" through FIFTEEN goddamn seasons) and even still, I didn't get pulled in like this. And that fandom is so crazy.

At the time I finished Supernatural, I thought it'd be my comfort show, and I restarted it. But, just kidding.

Good Omens has taken over literally everything.

So to the actual point. A ridiculous synopsis of season 2 because I can't get it out of my goddamn brain:

A sweet looking, chubby tow-headed (kind of former? retired?) angel that owns a bookshop wherein no books are ever sold, Aziraphale, and his gorgeous, hip-swiveling (retired? disgraced?) demon companion (friend? best friend? partner?) Crowley stalk around their London neighborhood hiding a dick-faced archangel who can't remember why he is such a dick-face, from both heaven and hell, while meddling in the love lives of other shop owners and talking PAST each other about what the eff is ACTUALLY going on, and ALSO flashing back to 6,000 years worth of their own ridiculously adorable and infuriating interactions.

It's a fucking love story, kids. In the worst and most beautiful ways possible. And I just. can't.

And so. I guess, here we are? This may or may not turn into anything. But for now. Shouting into the void…

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Triggers and Transparency

Or the Fall Out Boy title: I Have A Hater, So I Must Be Doing Something Right...

Dear Future Husband,

I reuploaded my last post because someone decided to comment publicly calling me out for "making a chillul Hashem" by posting it publicly, instead of messaging me privately and having a conversation about her feelings on the matter. And then she blocked me so her comments on that post are now hidden to me, but not to others who come across it and can see and respond to them. Fun.

And that is just super petty and manipulative, so I decided to hide those comments from the world too by hiding the post and just reuploading the whole thing.

But I also want to discuss this situation, because I think it's important to respond to what she had to say.

Let me start with this: Nobody has to like me or agree with me. I don't demand or expect that from my readers.

In fact, I don't demand or expect readers in general.

This is my tiny pixel of the internet where I can say what I want/need to say. For the most part I’m venting and yelling into a void anyway.

I've had this account for years. My first post was in 2016 and for the first few years, I didn't even have any followers, not that I really care whether or not I have followers, because that's not why I created this space for myself anyway.

If people choose to interact with what I have to say, that's awesome.

If they get something out of it, that's awesome.

If I get something out of it, that's awesome.

But I write lengthy things.

Sagas. Epics. Novels.

I write dark things.

I write a lot, but I don't share everything.

And what I share is my thoughts and experiences based on my experiences and thoughts.

That's not for everyone. And it isn't meant to be for everyone.

I'd assume most people click the "expand" button, see how long my posts are and nope right outta' there anyway. It's shocking to me if anyone actually cares enough to read what I have to say. Even more so if they choose to respond.

Do I love it when they do? Sure.

We all have that ego, and I'm sure we all post publicly in hopes people interact, as much as we do it for ourselves. If I truly wanted to keep these things private, I'd write in a journal (which I also do on occasion and a lot of that does not get shared), but most of my posts are somewhat of a cry for help (some more obvious than others) and if anyone sees my beacon and responds, it makes me feel less alone. And considering I've been super lonely most of my life, it's nice to share something I experienced and have someone out there say "hey, I get it, and you're not alone."

Now, I’ve been on tumblr in general for like 15 years and I have multiple accounts that I use for different purposes - different fandoms, different thoughts I want to share with different audiences, etc, and I created multiple accounts because when you comment on stuff it’s always associated with your main blog and that’s just wrong for the different ways I interact with different people about different things. Like, I don't want fandom stuff coming back to my religious blog or my food blog coming back to my music blog, etc. But I don’t come on tumblr as often as I used to back in the day, so while these accounts are still active, I don’t use them all that much.

So when I saw that after a small back and forth with this other person on my last post that their comments were suddenly “hidden, blocked, or removed,” I figured that meant for everyone and that she’d deleted them, so I in turn deleted my responses to her, feeling they wouldn’t make sense for someone to come across and just see mine.

But then I tried to send her a private message to discuss the matter and her blog somehow just magically “disappeared”… oooooh, so mysterious. Which made me realize, “oh, you dumbbell, she blocked you, which is why you can’t view the comments anymore.” And then I wondered if it was for sure just me who couldn’t see them or if it was everyone, so I logged into another account and lo and behold! The comments were visible! To everyone! So my deleting my own comments solved nothing and just made it look like I deleted my responses because she called me out, which was not the case. (I’m a fan of context and wouldn’t be that petty.)

So I used one of my other accounts to send her a message and told her I was open to an actual conversation about why that post of everything I’ve ever posted triggered her and she responded and then blocked me again so I couldn’t reply.

I anticipated that.

But in her response she made more accusations and basically called me an idiot (so nice, I know). So I used another account to send a follow up message to respond to one of her accusations and to basically say 'this has been fun, have a nice life.' To which she responded “I’m not even reading this.” And then blocked me again.

Also as anticipated, though I didn't follow up again after that.

But here’s the thing: she was accusing me of being condescending.

(I never claimed I wasn't... lol)

But her biggest issue seemed to be more that I was condescending while “targeting” irreligious Jews with my #tags, essentially inciting their responses and mocking them to their webfaces.

Except, no.

I also asked her why she felt the need to respond solely to this post out of all my other posts and she replied that she had responded to my posts before, and that I only couldn’t see them because she’d blocked me.

Except, no.

Using another account that she did not block I was able to check all the comments on all my posts (after having checked my notes before she blocked me on this account) and she has responded to exactly ZERO of my other posts. So, now we’re in gaslighting territory. Fun.

But I'd like to break down what she had to say and respond for my own edification and also for anyone who happened across those comments while they were live and should have context. Also in several years the whole "argument" will be confusing and I use posts like this for my own context.

So let's start at the beginning:

XXXXXXXX said: I’m frum and the amount of condescension dripping from every word of this post made even me deeply uncomfortable. I’m really not sure how you can claim you were respectful when you literally recorded the ceremony just so you could more accurately make fun of it later. Yikes yikes yikes.

Condescension dripping from every word. Mkay.

I believe she's referring there to the part about my cousin's irreligious wedding, despite me starting that post with how odd or confusing a lot of modern wedding tradition is to me in the religious Jewish sphere and how I'd like to do things when it's my turn.

I also didn't record it so I could mock it later, I recorded it because it was baffling to me while I was experiencing it, and I process things differently from most people, especially when I'm in a moment of heightened stress (which, being around family is for me) and wanted to remember things later and figure out what exactly went on. I do this all the time with other events and conversations too.

The fact that the recording came in handy when I was writing things out for my own processing was a bonus, honestly. I wish wish wish wish wish I'd recorded a lot of things in my life that I didn't. This was just one I wish I'd started earlier in the preceedings. The officiant said some really lovely things about my grandparents and I would have loved to have the recording for that too. I'm not super duper close with my cousins and don't know if I'll ever see the wedding video or if all of that will even be included in the video (since most people go cinematic these days and cut a lot of stuff or overlay music) and it would be nice to have that for posterity.

Just because I didn't outline it in my post doesn't mean there weren't other reasons for recording the event. Also, it's not like they said no recordings or anything before the ceremony. If they had, I would have respected that.

And being respectful to their faces and making "nice" in person is the Kiddush Hashem I was referring to in the original post. Being the religious relatives has always been exceptionally weird for us in so many ways.

Hell, a relative who exclusively reads the NYT believed that we were anti-vaxxers spreading covid to everyone and refused to show up at an event we were invited to, despite never having a conversation with us about it or even asking.

There are always assumptions made about us and how we live our lives and how we won't be part of things and aren't accepting of anyone and aren't courteous or respectful of things that aren't religious. And yes, in my anonymous post on a website none of my relatives frequent, I did express views that could be considered not respectful. But you know what I did in person? I smiled, I said hello, I gave hugs and handshakes, I made it clear that we're open and friendly and kind people, and that family is important to us.

Some say that's hypocritical, but when it comes to Shalom, you do whatever you can to ease interpersonal relationships, regardless of how you actually feel on the matter. If they aren't in a place to hear your opinions, you don't shove them in their faces.

And why would I close the door to the possibility of them doing kiruv in the future? If all they see is that their religious relatives are awful, they'd never want to do teshuva. By not expressing everything I'm feeling in person, it leaves them with positive feelings towards us "weirdos" and that leaves the door open to potential spiritual growth on their parts in the future. The positive feelings they continue to have towards people who believe in the Torah IS the Kiddush Hashem.

XXXXXXXX said: And then recording it all in writing and davka putting it in a tag on a website where the vast majority of people who will see it are not frum and likely don’t even personally know a frum person in many cases? There’s a chillul Hashem here, but it wasn’t the wedding.

Take a look at every post in my blog, babe. They're all tagged the same. They've always been tagged the same, going back to my very first post in 2016.

I started it that way because if I ever decided to deviate in a post, I wanted to be able to reference my own posts with relevant hashtags. At the time, I didn't know where things would go (if anywhere) with this blog and wanted that option. And again, in the beginning it was intended to reach an audience of possibly likeminded people who could commiserate with me. At this point, I hardly even think about the hashtags. Hell, one of them is #i am the shidduch crisis. I'm fairly certain I'm the only one who uses that one...

Saying that I davka went out of my way to post something offensive in a place where it would incite anger is just absurd. And if that post is offensive simply by existing in the Jewish zeitgeist, then so is every other thing I've posted and tagged the same way, considering the majority of my life experiences and writings are heavily negative, yet this was the ONLY post of mine she's ever responded to. And most of my posts have maybe two likes and zero comments, so most of the jumblr world couldn't care less either, apparently.

I unfortunately did not take screenshots of my responses to her in the comments, so I don't recall exactly what I said... but it was something along those same lines.

I think we also need to have a conversation about what a chillul Hashem actually is.

Desecration of God's name.

Or using God's name in vain.

You know... kiiiiind of like an incongruous priestly benediction or a bracha levatalah. Or nine of them. (Or 100 of them if you consider that most of the attendants also said the blessings using Hashem's name inappropriately...)

XXXXXXXX said: Wow. You have a very, very close-minded view of the world. Also, not sure if you understand how this website works. When you tag something jumblr, you aren’t just sharing it with 2 followers, you’re sharing it with everyone who follows that tag. By tagging it that way, you are ACTIVELY spreading it to a wider audience. Yeah, it’s your life and you can record it however you want, but you don’t get to pretend that putting something into the public sphere as an Orthodox Jew doesn’t impact how people view Orthodox Jews.

So now my tiny pixel of the internet is responsible for how the whole world views Orthodox Jews. Mkay.

Yes, words have power.

Yes, what I say and put out into the world matters.

Yes, I look to commiserate with people who get it.

But no, I'm not responsible for what people choose to read or ignore.

And again, I hardly even think about the hashtags when I apply them. It's just kind of rote at this point and, again, despite me using the exact same hashtags since 2016, my audience is still basically two people.

The hashtag jumblr has hundreds, if not thousands of posts on it. And people post things there that are offensive to me, but that doesn't mean they're offensive to everyone. If they can post their thoughts, I can post mine too. You can't please everyone.

All of these posts are like greeting cards on a rack at the grocery store. Using a hashtag is like giving it a category like "Birthday" or "Uncle's Retirement." You don't have to read all of them. Literally nobody is forcing you to. If you see one you don't like, put it back and move on with your life.

And again, my posts are usually so insanely long that most people don't have the time or attention span to read them. (Hell, I rarely do when I'm looking back over my own writings for things.) And so, these posts are not for them. They're essentially a diary of my experiences, and everyone experiences things differently. That's totally fine. I don't know why you have to get all up in arms about that just because I see the world differently than you.

It's also kiiiiind of hypocritical to tell me that I have to see the world the same way as you and in the same breath tell me that my relatives don't have to see the world the same way I do.

I did mention in one of my responses how interesting it was that she chose THIS out of aaaaaaaalllllll my 40 posts here on tumblr as the only one to respond to, despite my using the same hashtags since post #1. And that's when this one came:

XXXXXXXX said: And ftr I have replied to other posts of yours before…I’m sorry you don’t recall, but I don’t have to reply to every post you ever write to earn the ability to protest when you put something reprehensible out into, again, the public sphere consisting mostly of Jews who do not have much direct experience with Orthodoxy and whose negative views of that brand of Judaism you are actively reinforcing.

But no, honey, no you haven't. You know how I know? Cuz I checked. You've literally never commented on a single post of mine ever before.

You know what you HAVE responded to?

ONE comment that I made on one of YOUR posts.

That's it.

Ze hu.

Also, you don't have to reply to every post I ever write to "earn" the ability to protest when I write something you disagree with, but some kind of prior relationship would be helpful instead of literally coming out of left field with hostility.

I mean, I followed her, but she never followed me. I didn't even know I was anywhere on her radar.

It's also interesting to me that I'm actively reinforcing negative views of Orthodoxy by being confused by the inconsistencies of people who claim Judaism matters to them, yet have such a lack of respect for what Torah and being Jewish actually means.

Why does being Jewish even matter if you're not going to do anything that shows even one ounce of respect for anything of the tradition of Judaism? We're more than bagels and smear, my dear.

If they wanted to have a secular service, I wouldn't have cared!

If they just wanted a party for family and friends and to exchange vows despite being legally married already, I wouldn't have cared!

Ok, I would have cared a little. It would have been sad, but I wouldn't have written a whole post about it.

And it's baffling to me that someone of Torah values wants me to just ignore the fact that my irreligious family is basically laughing off the whole religious thing as a meme and not something of deep significance for our people.

Intermarriage, especially when it comes to the offspring who THINK they are Jewish but ARE NOT has ramifications***. It literally would have been better if she'd never attempted a conversion at all. Because at least then there'd be honesty, and their kids would know they're not Jewish. This entire thing is built on sheker.

My aunt was literally laughing at the fact that they'd have to remind the non-Jewish relatives to not add crab to a crab cake for a bris. Like, whatttt!?

Just as an aside, these are the same relatives who, when LittleBean was barely a year old and LilSis took her out of her onesie and put her in a bib so she could eat without making a mess at a family event, started making strip club sounds, whooping, and pretending to fling dollar bills. AT AN 11 MONTH OLD.

So, I'm sorry you're offended by my take on the situation. As I said, my content is not for everyone. It's not meant to be and most people won't even read it, so I couldn't really care less.

But all of this was also coming from someone who posts condescending, negative stuff ALL. THE. TIME.

I guess the only difference is that she... doesn't use the hashtag jumblr? Cuz it's not like any of her content isn't public and can't be found by irreligious Jews on tumblr and associated with Orthodoxy or anything... *insert confused shrug gif here*

I could post examples, but I'm trying to be respectful of her block and not cause further machlokes. (Lawd, give me strength...)

Regardless, my message to her from my second account was basically combatting the claim that she had responded to posts of mine in the past ("the lie detector determined THAT was a lie").

I mentioned that it seemed like due to that fact alone that something I wrote was a trigger for her and I was willing to have an actual conversation about why she was triggered. (Mostly for my own edification. My intention with my posts isn't to trigger people and although I'm not responsible for their mental health, if there's something I can do to improve the way I express things I'm open to hearing about it, whether or not I choose to implement it later.)

And I said that if she wasn't interested we could chock it all up to a difference of view and opinion and move on with our lives.

I also mentioned that I bear no ill will towards my relatives who mock the Torah, nor do I bear ill will towards her for her responses towards me and my post.

I started with "Hiya" and ended with "K'siva v'chasima tova." I all-capsed some words to emphasise my points, but think it was otherwise a respectful message.

But she instead hit back with: You can't see my previous comments on your posts *because I've blocked you.* Bizarre that you recognized that was the reason for replies to one post disappearing but didn't make the connection to the rest. Regardless, I don't think you're actually open to having an actual conversation about this topic if your only interpretation of a non-Orthodox rendition of a Jewish wedding is one of "mocking."

No "hi," no "clearly we're both defensive of our positions" or anything, just straight in with a thinly veiled "you're an idiot."

Because it's not like I'm smart enough to use a second account where her comments ARE visible to check and see if she's commented on any of my other posts or anything... Nope, I'm just a moron. Mkay.

Also, I have more than one interpretation of non-Orthodox renditions of Jewish weddings. It literally depends on the context. If they'd been respectful, I would have too. But hon, you weren't there. Soooo.... yeah, my interpretation was the same as my non-denomination GayUncle and his lapsed CatholicHusband's interpretation - it was a sham. Seems there was a consensus among at least a few of us about that, and we don't have remotely the same values or world views at all.

Hell, I once went to a Bucharian wedding for two baalei teshuva who don't have frum families that was vastly different from anything I'd ever experienced before and even THAT made more sense to me that the disjointed mess I experienced this past Sunday.

She then said: These people were not raised with your knowledge base or experiences. They are just getting through life the best they can, and the fact that they ACTUALLY BOTHERED TO HAVE A JEWISH WEDDING instead of doing something completely disconnected from Judaism or letting the legal wedding be the beginning and end of it should show you that they...actually do care. The jump from "these people aren't doing things how I would do them" to "these people hate and mock Judaism" is an absurdly and depressingly cynical one and I just don't think there's a productive conversation to be had if that's how you think about these things.

They "actually do care" about... what?

If they "actually do care" they'd do things properly. And by properly I mean traditionally. And by traditionally I mean the way that even my non-denominational GayUncle and his lapsed CatholicHusband recognize as correct.

They are not "just getting through life the best they can." They're doing things "uniquely."

I mean, you wanna talk privilege... that's it right there, babe.

But I'm open to a "change my mind" segment. Just because I view things in an "absurdly and depressingly cynical" way doesn't mean that with a conversation I couldn't be swayed to see things her way.

Unfortunately, she chose anger and hostility and to block me instead.

Like, babe, you don't know my life.

You've clearly never cared enough to chime in before, so I guess what I've written previously wasn't so offensive as to incite a response from you in the past. But ok.

There was no "hey, this sounds incredibly negative, are you sure this is content you want to put out into the world?"

Or "I don't know if you're aware, but this is directed at a large audience who probably don't see things the same way and you may want to change how you phrase things."

Or "just so you know, these kinds of views may not be well received by the people who use these hashtags, so you may want to change or remove them."

It was just "you're an awful person for the way you see things."

Which means you don't know my lived experiences or what has caused me to have this outlook on life.

You know what's a great way to learn those things? By having an actual conversation. *shocked pikachu face*

But no, she's way happier dismissing me entirely.

And you know what, that's fine. Because again, this content is not for everyone and it's clearly not for her. For everything else, there's Mastercard.

So, if you read this far, then maybe this is the content for you. If so, welcome! I'd love to have you here. Just be warned, a lot of it is dark and often cynical.

Feel free to share your thoughts and opinions on what I have to say. Or don't. Ghosts are also welcome!

And if you've read this far and decided this greeting card isn't for you, just stick it back on the rack and move along. That's really ok too.

-LivelyHeart

--------

***I wanted to add this into the post, but it didn't really match with the flow. There was a story that came out of Israel like a year or so ago about a family of missionaries posing as Jews. And based on what I read and heard, it seems that the way they were able to infiltrate the frum community was by receiving a gett.

I don't recall all the details exactly, but I think the husband had been married previously or something and he was able to acquire a gett for a marriage that didn't have a kesuba, but he was then able to use that gett as proof of being a religious Jew that then allowed him to not only make aliyah, but also end up in a position as a community rav and mohel. So, this non-Jewish, Christian missionary with a frum-looking wife and children with peyos was giving brissim to frum boys.

So when I say these kinds of things have ramifications, I'm being 10000% serious.

WifeLizzy IS NOT JEWISH. But she thinks she is. Which means their children will believe they're Jewish too. This is no joke. Who even knows what kind of ripples that will have on future generations?

Literally, Moshiach now.

[byierficrecs]

just wanted to pop over and say that i love this blog so so much; I love getting to see creators, especially lesser-known ones, in the spotlight. As someone who has been writing fanfiction for over a decade and has gotten very little recognition for it (relative to other stories in my fandoms, that is) it's always very discouraging to see my stats stagnate whilst so many other people who are arguably at the same level as me getting so much more attention and love.

I'm not really in a place (mentally or financially) to be commissioning art for my fics, so seeing your little graphics for all the fics people recommend make me so so happy. I'm obsessed with the one you did for my fic; but they are all always so cute. And it's just nice to see someone spreading positivity in a way that is broad and fair (i'm a libra, lol) and doesn't put anyone down in the process <3

Yeah sorry this is kinda rambly but just like, I was seriously considering not writing for this fandom anymore because it feels like no one cares about my blog or my writing or anything; but then I found this blog and it reminded me why I write, and reinspired my love of what I do.

So thanks <3333333

ngl, this actually made me tear up a little. i've also been writing for various fandoms for a while and i know how discouraging the low interactions can be overtime. it really is a matter of luck half the time and no matter how much effort you put into something, it's impossible to know if anyone will care or if you'll be yelling into the void.

and sometimes, fandom makes it worse. the obsession some people have with numbers, not willing to dedicate their time to anything that's not already popular can be quite upsetting, and the bad habit some people have of pitting authors and works against each other is, indeed, extremely stressful.

i've seen it in other fan groups; it is an unfortunate constant all across the internet, i think. but this fandom in particular can be quite cruel and sometimes it drains my creative energy altogether. i assume it's the same for others. and nevermind the hyper-criticism and high standards, sometimes people are hurtful in their effort to support some creators and it's baffling. i even started this whole thing (twt account and blog) as a response to someone ranking fics. and i know they meant no ill, but for many it is saddening to know you'll never be in one of those "best fics" things.

(and before anyone says anything, yes, people should write for themselves, first and foremost. however, the act of actually posting a story for the internet to see is a little unnerving, and the biggest reward is to get feedback. to get none is quite crushing.)

alas, i can only hope that this thingy makes some writers happy. be it that more people check a story (not in my control) or the authors simply get a graphic of dubious quality, i hope i can make some people smile at least for a few minutes. know that at least you got one reader checking out your hard work, and that i love every single story that has been sent.

,,,see, now you got me all rambly x.x anyway, i'm happy to know i could help a little, and i'm so glad you didn't stop writing <3 if it's not much to ask, would it be possible to know who this is? i won't share that if you don't want me to, but this really brightened my day and it has filled me with determination to try to do better (in writing and in making the graphics) :]

[starlight-introspection]

Ouch. Yeah this is me. I have always felt there is a glass wall between me and everybody else. Even within my own family, or with people who know me well.

Making friends honestly is pretty easy. I can like people, people can like me. I can open up to people, and people seem to find it easy to open up to me. Yet, I feel still feel disconnected. Unfulfilled.

I don't have a lot of mental/emotional energy to spare these days. And maintaining friendships where I can't feel connection when social interaction already takes so much out of me, I just don't want to do it. I'm too tired. No, I'm exhausted.

I wish I didn't need to fill this loneliness. It hurts a lot but I'm just so tired. And I've been in far too many friendships that I didn't actually enjoy because I felt guilty. Obligated to stick around.

Maybe part of it is that I find social interaction boring most of the time? That is on me though, not on other people. I hope I'm not terribly self-centered, but it would not shock me to find out that I am.

Sorry for the ramble, but I'm in a bad mood and wanna yell into the internet void about my frustration with being lonely but really not wanting to socialize.

friends