dearfuturehusbandblog

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

"You Need To Go To Therapy"

Dear Future Husband,

Apparently I need to go to therapy.

At least, according to MotherLivelyHeart.

Go ahead. Ask why.

Ok, I'll tell you:

Because she interpreted a message from me in a way I didn't intend it.

Oh, you wanna know the message?

I responded to her 7:15pm message of "FYI You should be heading home now" with "I'm like a minute away. You said 7:45"

And apparently she took that to mean, "I'm in the car and driving and only a minute away, I'll be there shortly."

Which I did not.

My meaning was "I'm at a location only a minute away from you, so why are you messaging me to head home right now when you need a ride in a half an hour and not this instant."

Now, rereading my message I can see how one would think that it might mean "I'll be there in a minute."

Except that she responded with "I just don't want you to cut it too close." And then TWENTY MINUTES LATER said that she was on her way down to wait for me in the lobby of our building.

I pulled up in front of the building at 7:45pm and she was PISSSSSED.

She has a ladies thing on Monday nights at 8pm that was on haiatus around the chagim and tonight they're back at it.

And she told me earlier that she wanted to leave at 7:45pm because the thing is about 8 minutes away and she didn't want to be late.

I'm going out of town for a month and a half and leaving TOMORROW.

I told her LAST WEEK that I had some stuff I needed to get done before I go and really hoped she'd get a ride to the thing but she had every excuse in the book.

"None of them live in the area."

"None of them are running errands in our area."

"Why would they go out of their way to pick me up?"

And my favorite:

"The ladies in the group are.... I don't want to say anything bad, they're really nice ladies, but I don't want to bother them."

We NEVER discussed whether I'd be giving her a ride or if she'd be taking the car. Since in the past I've given her a ride, I assumed that's what we were doing.

So she was pissed that (a) I was "late" because she'd been waiting downstairs for 10 minutes and that is just so "unbelievable" after telling her I was "a minute away 30 minutes ago". And (b) that I was taking the car to get some stuff done while she's at her thing because I'm LITERALLY LEAVING TOMORROW and it would just be sitting while she's doing her thing.

But there was no "thought you said you'd be home in a minute" message or "should I meet you for the car in a minute?" or anything like that.

She thought I was going to be home in a minute and then twenty minutes later told me she was going downstairs.

That's not a conversation!

Though she considers it one.

There was no way for me to clarify anything because she didn't even give me a hint that she had misunderstood what I was saying.

But I'M THE ONE with a communication problem.

And I'M THE ONE who has a time-telling problem.

And I'M THE ONE who needs therapy because we have "too many" of these misunderstandings.

I'm pretty sure it's misguided rage. Because I'm pretty sure she's pissed she can't be there for the birth of her second grandchild (b'shaa tova sometime soon).

LittleBean is turning 3 this year and they live in Israel so MotherLivelyHeart doesn't get to see her and she won't be there for this birth or get to hold this baby as a newborn.

But she spent the entire car ride over to the thing telling me I need to be in therapy, whether with or without her, to deal with this communication problem that WE have because she did not clarify or ask for clarification for a message that I don't know how to even reword to make it simpler to understand without it sounding wordy and condescending.

FML

"I'm only a minute away" has the same connotation.

"I'm not that far away" is the same thing.

"I'm right around the corner" - same problem.

In fact, I almost wrote "I'm right around the corner" and then thought THAT made it seem like I was driving and literally around the corner, so I didn't use it because I DIDN'T want to be misleading.

How do I phrase "I'm at a location that is the distance of hardly a minute, let alone a half hour from where you are" without suggesting that I'm in the car and driving to her right this very second????

And how do I add "you told me you wanted me back at 7:45 so you could make it to your thing at 8pm without walking in the door at 8pm, but it's only 7:15pm so I still have a half an hour and since I'm only the distance of like a minute away, why should I be on my way back home right this minute?"

HOWWWWW????

"It's almost like you do this on purpose."

EXCUSE ME!?!?!?!?!

HER misunderstanding a message from me is somehow MY fault!?

That's gaslighting, right?

You know, gaslighting - the very phrase she throws around like everyone is doing it to her because she's the victim all the time?

I'm so done with this crap.

I just want to disappear into nothing right now.

Just cease to exist.

I can't handle this stuff anymore.

Yeah, I need to be in therapy but not to deal with OUR communication issues.

I need to be in therapy because of this crap she does to me.

And I'm never going to escape this until one of us dies.

FML.

So, my dear future husband, if you actually exist:

I'm sorry.

That's literally all I have for you right now. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for who I am, I'm sorry for where I come from, I'm sorry for the baggage that I'll bring to our relationship.

I'm just sorry.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Autobiography

Dear Future Husband,

I recently reconnected with a friend from middle/high school. We got to schmoozing over text and last week I went to her place to hang out and chat for a while.

She's currently going through a lot and there were certain things we were able to relate to each other about.

While we were schmoozing I found myself saying "ok, yeah, so let me tell you _____ but it's a whole story" and after a while I was like "I'm so sorry everything is such a long story!" and she said "no, it's great! you should totally write a book! I'm hooked!"

The thing is, I've actually tried. I've started multiple autobiographies and it's so hard for me to focus my story because there's so many outlandish things that have happened, especially things that were supposed to be simple like getting my ears pierced as a kid turned into a whole ordeal, and I just haven't been able to keep it on track.

But maybe it just needs to be vignettes. Chapters kind of like these posts are.

Except that even here I feel like there's not enough backstory and I have to backtrack constantly...

I don't know.

Maybe it's just not worth it.

Who would read it, anyway? Literally one friend? lol

Most of the time I write just to get things out.

I have this belief that "a diary is for oneself, an autobiography is for others", which is to say that there has to be a takeaway from one's story for it to be worth writing it into a book.

But I don't know what the takeaway from my story is.

That I suck at everything? That God likes to create little punching bags, one of which is named LivelyHeart? Don't judge a book by it's cover?

I literally don't know what anyone can takeaway from my life except that maybe someone out there can relate and feel less lonely because they've been through crap too. But that's why blog sites exist in general, no? People share TMI on social media too.

So if it's not a book to learn something from or for entertainment, what is it for....?

On a sidenote, Meaningful Minute just posted this podcast with a young woman who was born with a disability called TAR, so a bunch of her limbs are wrongly proportioned and she has basically no arms and I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of the support system she had and still has today.

I'm jealous of how the schools she attended bent over backwards to accomodate her disability.

I'm jealous of her emunah and strength.

Because I had "hidden" disabilities. And everyone couldn't care less about my struggles.

She said she never experienced bullying in her childhood.

I did.

She had friends in and out of school.

I didn't.

She had/has parents who are such strong advocates for her.

I don't.

She understands she may never get married but she still has hope that the right guy is out there for her.

I barely do.

She says Hashem is her best friend.

Well, He's not mine.

And it's insane to me that I should feel any kind of jealousy for someone who has the struggles she does.

She told that mashal of if everyone put their problems in a big bowl and got to pull out someone else's to try on for size, they'd always want their own back.

Yeah, I don't know if that's true. I think mine feel familiar because I've lived with them so long, but there are people who don't live with the kind of dysfunction I have and I would much rather struggle with something else than walking on eggshells around the people who are supposed to love and support me unconditionally.

Because everything comes with conditions. And I'm so sick of it.

I saw another video recently where this girl who used to be in Hollywood and had a short-lived music career before ending up with a serious drinking and drug problem described some of her struggles and how her sobriety is going, and she said the one thing that saved her was a friend who was her unconditional support system. Because every time she failed and ended up on substances again, her friend was there to pick her up and say "no, we're doing this again, and we're going to get you clean."

I don't have that in my life.

I'm addicted to despair and nobody can pull me out of it.

And it's so damn hard to do alone.

So if I wrote my story, wouldn't it just depress people? Wouldn't it just make them feel bad about their lives too? Focusing so much on negativity just invites more negativity, doesn't it?

I don't know.

I just hope at some point God decides I'm worthy of feeling love and support in my life.

It would be really nice to experience that for the first time.

It would be really nice to experience you.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO KILL US"

Dear Future Husband,

Today I drove MotherLivelyHeart to a doctor's appointment. I ran a couple of errands while she was in there and then picked her up.

On the way home, we were on a two lane road that has signs at every intersection "no left turn 7am-7pm" and ended up behind an idiot who was sitting there with their left blinker on, trying to make a left turn.

I put on my blinker, merged into the right lane, and was trying to get around the lady who was trying to make the illegal left, when she realized that she couldn't and decided to go straight.

Except that that street stupidly allows street parking, and there was a car parked in the right lane.

So what I was attempting to do was make an arc around the lady in the left lane, which meant sliding back into the left lane in front of her before hitting the parked car.

But little miss moron figured out at just the wrong moment that she wasn't allowed to turn there and essentially cut me off by just continuing to drive straight.

MotherLivelyHeart let out a strangled cry and I came to a quick stop behind the parked car. And she took that moment to berate me for my driving. "I knew she was going to do that! I already saw her moving!"

Here's the thing though, as the driver, I was watching the pedestrian who was getting into the parked car, the light ahead of us, the bus and cars behind to make sure I could merge, and internally calculating angles. And it's not like I was speeding.

So, yeah, you may have been paying attention to one person on the road, but I was paying attention to many and she essentially became a blind spot.

But the terminology MotherLivelyHeart used wasn't "I thought we were going to crash" or "I thought she was going to hit you" or "I thought you were going to hit her"...

No.

MotherLivelyHeart's response to that situation was "I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO KILL US."

Sure. Blame totally on me. Everything my fault. And attempted murder is exactly what I was intending.

The insane thing is that I pulled back into the left lane and she continued the conversation we'd been having right before that as though nothing even happened.

So I'm internally fuming at her for yelling and berating me. And she's not caught up in any emotions for what just happened or for talking to me like that.

Nope, it's business as usual.

And I literally do not understand how she can just flip those emotions and interactions on and off. This happened like 2 hours ago and she's just doing whatever while I'm still frustrated by the entire thing. She'll probably never even remember this one thing happened, but every time I drive past that intersection I will remember.

I'm so fed up with being treated this way.

And it's never going to change.

I need an escape.

I'm hoping one day I'll find someone who can pull me out of this insanity.

I'm hoping one day he'll be you.

But I also don't want you to have to live with this insanity.

It's hopeless.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Mother's Day

Dear Future Husband,

If it's not already evident, my family is unusual.

I didn't go to nursery, kindergarten, or a normal elementary school, so I never made any of the mandatory mother's day gifts in school.

And at home we never celebrated secular holidays except for Thanksgiving because my grandparents always made it a whole family thing, where everyone would come into town and often it was the one time a year we were all together.

In fact, we so never followed the secular holidays that it was kind of a joke in our house that my mom would get gifts on father's day. (I think father's day always had the better sales or something...)

There were the odd years where we would get a small gift or card, but it was a small nod and then we'd move on with our lives.

But overall there seemed to be a disinterest in these holidays because they are all consumerism being marketed to us to sell flowers and cards and candy by Hallmark and Hershey's and other such companies. And why should we give into their whims when there's no Torah basis for any of it, it's a waste of money, and there are other ways to show someone you care about them. Right?

So color me surprised when on Sunday MotherLivelyHeart started going on about how sad she is that we never do anything for mother's day.

Like... what?

It came totally out of left field.

So we had a conversation on Sunday where she said "I don't want this to be lashon hara.... let's just say I was in a different place back then."

She later clarified that her mother basically demanded that mother's day be a whole thing, so she had a negative connotation with it. And then later on she felt like if they made a big deal out of mother's day, they should make a big deal out of father's day, but because my father was such a problem in the relationship, our home, and as a father, she didn't want to make father's day a big deal.

But now that her mother is gone and my father is not in her life, she sees all the mother's being doted on by their kids and going out for brunches and dinners and stuff and she's sad that we don't do that for her.

Except that we weren't raised to do that. BY HER. We were raised to basically abhor the stuff and to grimace at the cliche waste of money and everything. BY HER.

And now she suddenly wants us to just pretend as if that conditioning doesn't exist and make a whole big thing.

I do get where she's coming from, but at the same time, it feels like emotional manipulation.

She was like "I dunno. It would just be special to go out to eat with my children or something."

I asked her, "and go where? and eat what?" Because we're all basically on restrictive diets and can't eat restaurant food.

And she was like, "I don't know! It would just be nice!"

Like... what??

I didn't mention the emotional manipulation part, but I did speak to LilSis because she had asked me if I could get MotherLivelyHeart some flowers from anywhere since she had an issue ordering them online and the order never went through. I told her I'd see what I could do. In the meantime though LilSis also wanted me to look into a gift card to a spa so MLH could get a manicure or something. I told her I'd see what I could do.

I had to give a BigSis a ride, so I asked if she could get flowers at a store nearby to where she was and she gave me a whole "really? so because she just decided this we now have to give in to her whims?" response. I was like, she's sad, can we just do this one small thing? And she was like, I can't afford it right now. So I told her if she could even see if the store had flowers I'd run to the bank and get some cash.

She sent me pictures of some flower options and a cute card, and I figured the cheapest like $5 ones would be fine and beautiful and just what our mother would appreciate.

I gave BigSis a $20 and she brought me back like $6 in change. I was like WTF because the flowers were only like $5 +tax and she said, "well, the card was $7. I sent you a picture." Which omigod I had not seen in the photos. It's so nice how she's willing to just spend all the money I don't have on a greeting card that costs more than a dozen eggs!?!?!

Whatever.

When we got home MotherLivelyHeart was napping, so I started making dinner for myself and when I came out of the kitchen I noticed the flowers on the table and said something like "we should sign the card" and BigSis was like "yeah, it's on the table." But when I went to sign it, she had already signed it from "all your girlies" which included LilSis and LilBean. Which I was like... ok, but now there's nothing for me to sign since my name is already on it...

Weird but whatever.

After MLH woke up, our out of town, off the derech brother called. He never really talks to us, just MLH, so I have no idea why exactly he called, but they schmoozed for a bit. While they were schmoozing, she passed by the table to go into the kitchen and didn't notice the flowers or card, so I grabbed a vase and set it up nicely so she'd see it when she came out.

Which she did. And stopped MyBro mid-sentence with an "awwww! did you get me flowers!?" And he was like "what? no?" And she was like, "no, your sisters."

She then proceeded to sit down and read the card to herself except the "Love all your girlies" part.

While she was talking to MyBro.

Which made me feel so awkward that we didn't even consider asking him if he wanted us to sign his name in the first place. Not that I even signed....

So when MotherLivelyHeart finally hung up, I messaged MyBro and told him that the flowers were a whim and asked him if he wanted to contribute to the spa gift card, which he said sure and asked where to zelle. So I told him that LilSis was going to zelle me and I'd be getting the gift card and he could just send it to me.

Then on Monday I was talking to LilSis about the pricing and she said "oh, I already told MotherLivelyHeart that I'd just pay for her thing when she goes in later this week."

Which, great, because I wasn't privy to that and that's not what I told MyBro. (Not that he ever zelled anything...)

But it's like all this stupid stupidity for stupidity's sake.

I guess that driving MotherLivelyHeart to appointments, doing grocery runs for her specific requests, asking if she needs anything while I'm out, making her dinner... you know, all the little things that I don't actually have to do... none of those say "hey, I'm thinking about you and making sure you feel cared for."

A vase of flowers and a $7 card. That's what does it.

Guess I've been overworking myself all this time.

So, my Dear Future Husband, if we ever do meet and fall in love and marry, please don't think you need to do these stupid secular holiday things.

And please don't expect me to do them either.

They're stupid and expensive.

And in some cases, emotional manipulation.

Sorry, but I'm not interested.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Sometimes when people say "I can't do it" what they mean is "I'm so overwhelmed just thinking about it that I wouldn't even know where to start and I need some help." But nobody interprets it that way. They just say "Stop saying you can't." -Me, in case that wasn't clear.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Honestly, WTF

Dear Future Husband,

Have you ever wanted to just scream at your mother "OMIGOD! SHUT THE FFFF UP!!!!!!"?

Cuz if you haven't I don't know if you'd ever actually understand me.

I went to a shiva call last night with MotherLivelyHeart and one of the sons of the deceased is a man in his mid 50s, who has been divorced multiple times.

He's a funny guy. He seems nice enough in general. His job is something minimum wage (I assume based on the description) that he has been doing for a long time despite having the background and knowledge to do something more with his life. (I know, who am I to talk, right?)

Well, right before we left he asked my mother about her husband (spoiler: she doesn't have one) and he asked me about my age and situation (spoiler: mid-30s, not married). And he then asked why I'm not married (spoiler: just read this blog). I told him that everything happens in its right time.

While I was saying that he (as a cross-talker from a family of cross-talkers) asked something like "you're just not ready?"

And MotherLivelyHeart, she should live and be well, started going off about how "SHE IS READY! She's BEEN ready! She just needs to get married already and MOVE OUT!"

Except she went on longer than that about all her kids and our situations and how it breaks her heart and all that crap. Like, OMIGOD SHUT UP. THIS DUDE DOES NOT NEED TO HEAR THIS, NOBODY NEEDS TO HEAR THIS! STOP ASSUMING YOU KNOW WHAT I AM AND AM NOT READY FOR! STOP TALKING ABOUT MY SITUATION WITH A TOTAL STRANGER, AND OMIGOD JUST SHUT UP!

(Also, I guess she's already forgotten how much I actually do for her and how much help she needs on a constant basis because of how much pain she's in all the time, but whatever.)

So anyway, then this man said to me "I know a guy. He's a doctor." But considering all the jokes he'd been cracking earlier, I kinda' thought he was kidding in that old NY Jew kind of way "I knowa gai, he'sa dakta'." You know what I mean?

My mom then cracked some quip about all Jews being doctors, he laughed, and we left.

Well, on the way home, my mother says to me "You know he's been divorced multiple times, right?"

And that seemed kind of out of left field so I was like "Uh... Yeeeah?"

And then she said, "I think he's interested in you."

So I said, "No, he said he knows a guy. He's a doctor."

And she said, "Oh, I didn't catch that."

I was like, "What? I thought that's why you made that joke about all Jews being doctors."

And she said, "No, I just heard him say the word doctor and thought it was apropos."

Like, what?

But either way... what the hell was she trying to get at there??? I think he's interested in you. Like, ok... and?

Was she trying to tell me I'm oblivious to guys' interest in me? (spoiler: I'm not)

Was she trying to gauge if I was interested in him? (spoiler: I'm not)

Was she trying to tell me I shouldn't be interested in him? (spoiler: I'M NOT)

Did she think I WAS interested in him!?!?!? (spoiler: I'M NOT)

I left that entire interaction so confused.

It's been hours and I still have no idea what she intended to say with any of that.

Regardless, dear future husband, you are not he and he is not you. For I would never marry a man old enough to be my own father.

Cuz ew. Just ew.

For the record - yes, I am an agist.

Because ew. Just ew.

-LivelyHeart

Ps - absolutely no shade to anyone who does date way out of their age range because everyone has different tastes and different life experiences that color their tastes. My taste is "not someone young enough to be my child or old enough to be my parent."

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

You know there's something very wrong with your life when you're driving past a firehouse and your first thought is "I wonder if I could just walk in and ask one of the guys for a hug". -Me, in case it wasn't clear.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

ZMAN CHEIRUSEINU aka "I'M the terrible communicator!?!?!?!!"

Dear Future Husband,

I hope nobody ever quizzes me on this blog because there are so many things that I've started and stopped writing that never got posted that I literally never remember what I've actually put here...

Not that that's really fully relevant to what I was thinking about writing now, but I currently have two unfinished posts in my drafts folder (amidst 25 others that will probably never get posted) that are just a recap of this year so far.

Because I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare.

Explaining what's going on right now is kind of problematic because I haven't provided the lengthy backstory yet (which is one of the drafts I have yet to finish...)

Suffice to say, MotherLivelyHeart is being a nightmare to me again.

I think I've shared before that MLH and I share a vehicle? If not... yeah, we share a car. I'll have to look through my posts to see if I've explained that situation before, because that's one more thing to check off the "my life absolutely f*ing sucks" list.

Usually this isn't the worst thing in the world because we operate on different schedules and there isn't much crossover when it comes to who needs the car when, and when there is I usually drop her off somewhere, do what I need to do, and pick her up after.

For the record, I HATE when she offers the opposite because I have a history of being abandoned in places waiting for her to pick me up and it gives me such severe anxiety.

So last week on Sunday I asked MLH what her plans were for the next day. I asked this because I overheard a phone call she received on Friday from the dentist's office about an appointment she had on Monday at noon that she hadn't told me anything about and I knew if I was going to ever find out she was going to take the car, I would have to be the one to ask her. So I asked. And wouldn't you believe it, she had a dentist appointment on Monday at noon! Shocker.

Now, I'd been out of work since the beginning of January (again, details will hopefully be in another post) so I had a lot to take care of at work last Monday and I told her that.

We agreed she would have the car for her appointment and I would take the car to work when she got home.

Come Monday afternoon, suddenly everything has changed.

You see, her boss called in sick and she had the day off because she has a specific job that requires her to work alongside her boss and if he doesn't work, she doesn't work.

So she had the day off. Joy.

Of course, did she tell this to me directly? No.

Did she message me this information? No.

I'm just supposed to approach her and ask, "hey, did your boss call in sick and give you the day off?" I guess.

So she went to her appointment and ran some errands and called me while she was still out. Apparently some specific water bottles she can only get in like two places were available at one store about 20 minutes away from our house and she placed a pickup order so she could get them before they were sold out. The order had to be picked up between like 2:30-3:30pm and she called me at around 1:30.

Great.

She picked a pickup time that was directly during the time I was supposed to be at work.

Which she knew.

Because I told her this literally the day before.

So I told her fine. She should do the pickup order and when she got back I would take the car to work.

"Well, I also wanted to go swimming."

*Deep breath* Ok, what time is swimming?

"From 2-9pm."

At this point I didn't know how long I'd be at work because one of the things I had to take care of could be like 4-6 hours and I didn't know if there would be enough time when I was done to get home and let her get to the pool with enough time to swim before they closed.

"Ok, well why don't you go swimming, do the pickup order, and then I'll take the car to work?"

"Well, I want to come home and eat something first."

Ok. So now, what was supposed to be my time to take the car is going to be "stolen" by her coming home (15 minutes), eating something (15 minutes), going to swim (40 minutes), getting the pickup order (30 minutes), and coming back home (20 minutes).

This is TWO HOURS off of my time.

WHICH I HAD TOLD HER I NEEDED LITERALLY THE DAY BEFORE.

So she came home, ate something, and changed into her bathing suit. She left around 2pm for the pool.

I assumed at this point I'd hear from her around 3:30pm that she was around the corner.

But 3:30 came and went.

4:00pm came and went.

4:30pm came and went.

5:00pm came and BigSis messaged that she would be done at work in an hour and could either of us give her a ride home?

MOTHERF@*$%^#$ER

So it's been three hours without an update from MLH, but then she responds "I should be on my way back from the pickup order then."

EXCUSE ME!?!?!?!

She left for the pool at 2pm. THREE HOURS have gone by and she hasn't even gotten the pickup order that was supposed to be picked up between 2:30-3:30pm!?!?!?!!?!?

But she tells me that I'M a terrible communicator.

I was supposed to get the car by 1:30pm latest. It was now after 5pm and I STILL hadn't gotten to work yet.

As much as I hate when she offers to drop me off at work so she can take care of things that will take a few hours, SHE DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME THAT. She made it seem like I would have the car all afternoon to take care of what I needed to at work. And when her plans shifted, she made it seem like I'd have the car by 3:30pm latest.

And let me remind you THAT I TOLD HER THE DAY BEFORE WHAT MY SCHEDULE WAS SO THAT THIS S*** WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

But I'M the terrible communicator.

At that point I was so frickin annoyed already. MLH messaged me "should I get her or just come home" and I was so peeved I said "just get her because if you come home and I take the car I'm not picking her up."

She didn't respond to that message.

Great.

No thumbs up. No "ok." Just nothing.

Then at 6:12pm I get a message from her "car's downstairs in front."

So no message from BigSis that MLH had picked her up and they were heading home. No "we're around the corner." No nothing except over an hour later "take it."

BUT I'M THE TERRIBLE COMMUNICATOR!?

At that point it was too late for me to do some of the things I needed to take care of for work because, again, I was supposed to have been there FIVE HOURS EARLIER. And a friend messaged and asked if I could go with her to Costco, so I said to hell with it and I went to Costco with her.

While I was at Costco I messaged both MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis about what I was getting so we were all on the same page. Included in that message was eggs because, well, I was getting eggs.

I got home at like 10pm and MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis were already asleep. I made a couple of mini salami kugels with some spinach that oddly floated to the top, waited for them to cool, tried 1/4 of one before sticking them in the fridge.

Next morning I open the fridge and there's a new carton of 1.5 dozen eggs. Because apparently MLH went to the supermarket early in the morning and got eggs because "we were out."

DESPITE ME LITERALLY MESSAGING THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT I WAS BUYING EGGS AT COSTCO.

Oh, but it gets better. Because the salami kugel I had tasted the night before was missing.

BigSis was working from home so I asked her about it and she said she had no clue.

So I asked MotherLivelyHeart about it, thinking maybe it slipped out of the fridge, smashed, and she threw it out.

But no.

Guess who ate it.

Yep, the woman who has been suffering from gout and avoiding meat for the better part of a year.

The woman who saw it in the fridge and said to herself "oh, that's one of the broccoli kugels LivelyHeart made for herself for Shabbos that she said wasn't good. I guess I'll eat that for breakfast without asking her if she really doesn't want it because although she's on a weird diet right now, there's no way she's made a meal plan for herself that includes this food item she made for herself."

Because, did she message me to ask if she could have it?

Nope.

Did she knock on my door to ask if she could have it?

Nope.

Halfway through eating it she realized it was salami.

And she still finished the whole thing.

And still at NO POINT did she message me AT ALL to even tell me that she ate it.

I had to find out by inquiring OF HER.

BUT. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR!?!?!?!

I shouldn't be mad.

It's just food, after all, right?

Except that it's not.

It's a frickin pattern of carelessness and disregard for me as a person.

And I'm so frickin sick of it.

I'm so damn tired.

It wouldn't have killed her to ask.

It wouldn't have killed her to apologize.

And what I haven't really explained here (because again, that's in a draft post) is that I've been on an elimination diet since January 1st which has cut most things from my available food selections.

But is she on an elimination diet?

Nope.

So we have a HOUSEFUL, a PANTRYFUL, and a FRIDGEFUL of food she can eat.

And she chooses the ONE thing I made FOR ME.

Which she KNEW I made for ME.

Instead of the MYRIAD OF THINGS that she can eat that I can't.

Which means that she's not only taken a meal from me, but now I'm at a food deficit from the fridge while she lives in abundance.

BUT. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR.

So let's leap forward to today.

Today was Shabbos mevorchim. Pesach is in two weeks.

And MotherLivelyHeart decided we are going to change over the kitchen two weeks ahead this year.

So she scheduled her cleaning lady to come tomorrow (Sunday) to help clean the kitchen so it can be turned over.

Did she take into account that this would be motzei Shabbos and that we'd have to make Shabbos and that would involve dirty dishes and use of the stove/oven and pots and pans?

Yeah, no.

Did she take into account that the way she wants to clean the oven requires the oven to be self-cleaned before and after which takes a good several hours and creates so much smoke that we'd have to keep the windows open and also it's like 40F right now and she also wanted to go to sleep early because the cleaning lady is coming at like 8am?

Yeah, no.

BigSis went over the oven cleaning thing with her and she exclaimed "are you kidding me?! Then why am I having the cleaning lady come tomorrow?!"

BECAUSE YOU SCHEDULED HER WITHOUT CONSULTING US.

BECAUSE THERE WAS NO COMMUNICATION.

DO YOU SEE A FRICKIN THEME HERE!?!?!!?

Oh, but there's more. Because there's always more.

Thursday was another nightmare day for various reasons. One of which was that I ran errands with MotherLivelyHeart.

She scheduled an appointment for smackdab in the middle of the time I told her I'd be working.

YES. AGAIN.

And she wanted to drop me off at work and pick me up when I was done.

Well absofrickinlutelynot, thankyouverymuch.

I was supposed to work until 6pm.

I had told customers I would be available until 6pm.

Her appointment was scheduled for 6pm.

So of course "I need the car at 5:30pm."

She wanted to drive me to work earlier so that she could take the car at 5:30pm to her appointment that wouldn't be done until 7pm and then come get me an hour and a half after I was done working.

But I was supposed to trust that she wouldn't run errands or dilly dally around and that she'd actually get me at 7:30pm, which we know is never the case.

So I told her no, I'd be taking the car to work. But I would notify the customers I'd only be there until 5:30pm, at which point I'd get her and drive her to her appointment. Then while she was in her appointment I could do the Shabbos shopping, since it seemed pointless to have to wait for her to come home again before I could go out and shop.

For various reasons, we had three stores we needed to go to, one of which was about 20 minutes in the opposite direction of where her appointment was. I figured I could go there first, then on my way back to get her I could run by the other two stores, get her and then we'd go straight home.

But no.

Because it was raining and people apparently don't know how to drive in the rain. So despite me taking the highway, which should have cut like 10 minutes out of the ride each way, it took me about 30 minutes to get to that first store, which I was in for maybe 10 minutes, and as I was checking out MLH messaged "my appointment is almost over, where are you at?"

So all I had time for was turning around and going straight to get her.

Which, fine, whatever.

One of the stores we went to literally just for chicken.

And it was chicken for her because she wanted a specific type of breaded chicken for Shabbos.

So I figured I'd run into the store and grab it while she stayed in the car.

But no.

Because while I was unbuckling, she was unbuckling. Because she decided to come in.

So she went to look at side salads and I went to the chicken section where I waited but she never showed up.

Then I get a message from her.

"Where are you?"

Excuse me???? WHERE ARE YOU, WOMAN???

I told her I was at the chicken section waiting for her and she said "I already checked out. I'm going back to the car."

WE LITERALLY WENT TO THIS STORE TO BUY HER CHICKEN.

SHE CAME IN WITH ME.

PRESUMABLY TO BUY HER CHICKEN.

But she's checked out already!? WITH WHAT!?

Oh. Apparently something to eat. Because she's hangry.

Which she, OF COURSE, DID NOT TELL ME.

Fine. Whatever.

So I bought her frickin chicken.

And then on the way home she got mad at me about three driving-related things that were out of my control (like the car started making a weird noise that might be the muffler, and there was a huge pothole I couldn't avoid, and I was coming to a stop at an intersection when some lady rounded the corner quickly and we barely missed colliding...) which resulted in her yelling at me that she hates the way I'm driving.

So, yeah, that was a fun ride home.

*EYEROLL*

Anyway, on the way to her appointment she said "we never worked out a Shabbos menu."

I told her the same thing I've told her almost every week over the last three months: I'm eating differently from you guys, so you just tell me what you want and I'll grab it from the store, because I already have set aside what I'm going to eat.

And she tells me "my boss has off tomorrow, so I can cook."

Which is perfectly fine in my eyes because I'm still recovering from an injury (again, that's one of the drafted posts...) and I also had a horrendous cold for the previous two weeks so I'm still trying to get back to baseline. Any pressure off me is appreciated.

We basically worked out that for shabbos we'd do a big soup for Friday night (which I would make), then she wanted chicken (obvs) and I had bought green beans at Costco I told her she could have, and then Shabbos lunch would be fish and salady stuff.

Well, Friday rolls around.

The day already sucked because I tried adding some vegetables back into my diet during the week that are apparently problematic for my digestion. Fun.

But then MotherLivelyHeart decides to stick to her arbitrary Pesach cleaning schedule which says to clean the milchig dishes she's had piling up all week. So of course she decides to do this at like noon and doesn't finish the job and there are still milchig dishes in the sink at 3pm when I need to go in and make the soup.

Add onto that, one of my "chores" is the pareve dishes, some of which have been piling up too and also need to be done, which she feels the need to remind me of, despite her milchig dishes still filling the sink.

So I go in around 3pm and just start cooking, using the small bit of counter space that's available to me.

She decides that's the perfect time to finish the milchig dishes.

FINE. WHATEVER.

She gets them out of the way and reminds me YET AGAIN about the pareve dishes.

FINEWHATEVER.

So around 4pm I'm back in the kitchen, doing the pareve dishes, of which I only got about half done because it was causing pain and I still had to cook.

So I pivoted and did the soup.

But nothing else had been cooked yet.

So I made the green beans.

And I had to separate the soups so I could add things to theirs that I can't eat.

At this point I'm still annoyed from her the day before, my insides are so unhappy with the newly tested foods, I'm in pain from the injury, and I'm trying to cook for Shabbos.

Around 6pm I asked BigSis if she could help with the chicken. She was like "I STILL HAVE TO SHOWER!!!" As though she didn't have all day for that and somehow me needing help is my fault. She said "if you had asked me like three hours ago I could have done it."

Except that three hours ago, the milchig dishes were still filling up the sink, so.... what exactly do you expect from me!?

Sometime a little earlier when MotherLivelyHeart had been in the kitchen it was clear I wasn't doing so well and she asked what was wrong and I described the pain and she was like "I'm sorry" and then disappeared.

So then she gets a "20 minutes to candle lighting" alarm on her phone, and she's been trying to light early in zchus of the hostages and chayalim, so she calls out "20 minutes to licht benchen." Which I responded to but she didn't hear, obviously, because she yelled again "LivelyHeart, did you hear me!?"

To which I responded an annoyed "YES!!" and she was like "you don't have to talk to me that way! I clearly didn't hear you. And BigSis and I can make Shabbos on our own, you know."

Which, MYGODWOMAN. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO.

My responsibility based on our conversation was the soup.

ZE HU.

SHE was supposed to do the chicken and the green beans and whatever else they wanted.

So now she's annoyed at me because I'm annoyed at her for not doing the thing she was supposed to do, but I'M the one in the wrong.

FINE. Whatever.

In the end I didn't do the chicken.

I literally didn't have the strength for it, let alone the energy.

Not that it was really missed at the meal, but she was a bit annoyed and gave me that same "BigSis and I can cook for Shabbos on our own, you know." To which I responded "You said you were going to cook." I literally don't even remember what her response was.

Well, fast forward through Shabbos to tonight because I asked her if she wanted the chicken for melava malka or if we should stick it in the freezer for a week since it's KFP.

She wanted it for melava malka.

Which, fine, whatever.

I told her if she could bread it, I would cook it.

She got gloves, she got bowls, she got the chicken, and she got eggs.

She did not get the other ingredients she needed for the breading. Or a plate to put it on. Or a fork.

She sat down at the table and then asked me to get the other ingredients.

Which, fine. Whatever.

I got an interesting piece of mail that I'll discuss in another post when I know more what's going on with it, but it basically called my attention to research something. So I was on my computer off to the side while she was breading the chicken.

The next thing I know, she's frying the chicken.

I went into the kitchen and asked her why she was frying it when I told her I would do it for her since cooking usually exhausts her, and she got all frustrated and exasperated at me and said something like "I DON'T HAVE ALL NIGHT TO WAIT FOR YOU."

And I was like, "what are you talking about!? I was waiting for you to finish breading it! you didn't tell me you were done!"

Which just pissed her off more.

BECAUSE. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR.

But this is the time of year we celebrate freedom, right?

This is the time of year we thank Hashem for rescuing us from a horrible situation.

Well, where's mine?

We're supposed to celebrate every year as though WE ALL left Mitzrayim.

As though we were ALL saved.

But I am not saved.

I have never been saved.

The stupidity I've just described above is just a piece of the insane patterning of my entire life.

I have no escape from this nonsense.

And I'm just so done with all of it.

I want it all to be over.

I want it all to go away.

Where's my freedom?

Where's my salvation?

I really have to finish those other two drafts, because this isn't even the clearest picture of what I've been dealing with since 2024 started. It's barely April and I just want this secular year to be over.

There are a couple of people who have suggested guys to me over the last several months and, although they're not really what I'm looking for, right now I just don't have the emotional energy for a new relationship. I'm just so burned out from this one that I deal with every frickin day of my stupid life, which of course I can't even tell these people.

So... dear future husband, I hope you can hang in there, because I don't know when I'll be ready for you.

But maybe by then I'll be a good communicator.

-LivelyHeart

And now for the story after the story:

So, after that disaster of a drive back from the store on Thursday night, we got home around 8:30pm and although she got something small to eat from that second supermarket I knew that MotherLivelyHeart hadn't eaten anything since lunch so when I made dinner for myself I made a second bowl for her. I brought it to her and she said "oh... you didn't have to do that." Not a lot of enthusiasm there.

She didn't eat it for about a half an hour, by which time it was probably cold, and the next thing I knew, she was in bed going to sleep without another word about how it was.

Now, I don't demand praise or feedback for anything I cook, but she usually makes a comment about whatever I make, so I found it odd that she was silent on the matter.

On Friday I went to ask her about something else and while I was talking to her I asked how her dinner was the night before and she said something along the lines of, "it was... interesting. ground chicken just doesn't cook well, it's not your fault. you prepared it well, it's just not that good. ground turkey is better."

No "thank you," no "it was sweet of you to think of me," no "I appreciate the effort especially considering that you're working through the pain right now."

Just meh.

I love when I'm appreciated.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Another Song (and Some Dark Thoughts)

Dear Future Husband,

My last post was about this song L'man Achai by The Chevra, but that's not the only song that I listened to over Chanukah that ended up as an earworm for me. One of the other songs that's been kicking around my brain, one which wasn't as much on the forefront of my mind as L'man Achai, but which has still bobbed to the top on occasion, is the Six13 acapella version of L'Cha Dodi.

My brain tends to pick certain lines of a song and just repeat those over and over (surprisingly not always the chorus), so I rarely have the whole song on repeat in my head, and instead it's just a few bars.

And this time the part on repeat was primarily the end of the zemer:

So the line "Toch emunei am segulah" has been floating around my brain for a couple of weeks. And again, my Hebrew skills aren't that amazing, so I'm pretty bad at knowing the translations of the songs that I sing unless I think reeally hard about them. And I didn't really think too much about what this whole zemer means.

But I was just on a forum reading about the Jews as the "chosen people" and it occurred to me I don't know where that reference actually comes from. So I went to chatgpt and asked for the source (viewable here), which is apparently from Devarim 7:6.

I tried Sefaria, but I think chabad.org has the better translation for this passuk. (Although you can see some consistencies in the various translation options on Sefaria)

The word used for "chosen" appears to be bachor which usually refers to an oldest son who is given the choice portion of an inheritance. Which in this case would refer to the fact that every nation of people on planet earth are God's children and are all loved by Him, regardless of race, gender, religious affiliation, etc, and that the Jewish people are just the "oldest", the ones who are supposed to lead and teach the rest of the world, and with that responsibility comes additional requirements, and thus additional rewards.

I could go into a whole d'var torah about that, but that's not really what interested me...

What interested me, in case you didn't catch it already, is the reference to "Am Segulah" (His "treasured nation") in both places.

We don't really use that term often and it just kind of struck me while reading this passage that this portion that defines the Jews as "chosen" also uses the same term that has been bopping around my head for a couple of weeks.

Off the top of my head I couldn't have told you that segulah meant 'treasure', because we tend to use that term when we refer to a good luck charm (for lack of a better term), which I guess could be equated to a treasure if you think about it like that?

But usually treasure is something unrelated to luck. It's gold and diamonds and anything a dragon would hoard. Or it's sentimental, a memorial to something special with personal significance. To treasure something is to love it and protect it and keep it safe.

According to the wikipedia page for segulah, it's a charm or ritual in kabbalistic practice intended for protection or benevolence. Although over time a lot of kabbalistic practices have kind of become enmeshed with mainstream orthodox Jewish practice, so a lot of these "segulot" are accepted in general orthodox Jewish society without knowledge of their kabbalistic origins. Some refer to these as old wives tales and say to stop attempting these "extra credit projects" and just do the "required assignments" of proper Torah adherence if you want the benefits that are supposedly "guaranteed" by the segulot...

Kabbalah really became a thing during the Middle Ages (aka The Dark Ages), which was fraught with darkness and evil and superstition. Stories like the Grimm Brothers Fairy Tales and our own stories of the Golem originate from these times. It was also an era of mass death, whether inflicted by disease or humans. There was so much hatred and persecution towards various groups, but most especially Jews, who were kicked out of so many countries across Europe, that it makes sense that people would have wanted anything of protection and comfort to hold onto in those dark times.

But most of these modern segulot aren't amulets, they're not technically treasured artifacts, they're more ritualistic. For example:

People pray at the Kotel for 40 consecutive days as a segulah.

People take challah as a segulah.

People drink from the kos shel bracha at a wedding as a segulah.

People recite the entire sefer of tehillem as a segulah.

Etc.

So when I was "translating" the words in my head, trying to figure out what I was singing, "Am Segulah" never translated to 'treasured nation' or 'treasured people,' because that wasn't my association with the word 'segulah.'

And I'm kind of curious if we truly see ourselves as an "Am Segulah".

Do we view ourselves as something to be treasured?

Do we view ourselves as a group that deserves Divine protection and love and care?

I know that I personally don't.

Nothing about my life thus far has even hinted to me that I'm truly loved or cared for or treasured by humans OR God.

And I look around at all the awfulness that has happened to the Jews over the last 3000 years and I wonder how we lose our way so quickly in practically every generation.

Is it a self fulfilling prophesy?

Like in the story of Yoseph haTzaddik that we've been discussing in recent parshios - he told his family his dreams about them all bowing to him and THEY interpreted it as them treating him like a king. If they hadn't interpreted it that way or if he hadn't shared the dreams with them at all, would they have gotten mad at him and tried to get rid of him? Would the famine in Egypt have happened at all? Would Klal Yisrael have ever ended up in slavery in Mitzrayim?

How much of what we go through is predetermined and how much of it is the consequence of our own individual and collective actions?

For the majority of the Shabbossim over the last year I've spent time reading Jewish history books, most of which is stories or overviews of particular Rabbis from various eras, but the rest of it is just one horrid story after another. More in-fighting, more persecution, more exile. It's a never ending cycle that we just can't seem to break.

One story that continuously sticks out in my mind since reading about it earlier this year is the accounts of what happened in Eretz Yisrael globally and Yerushalayim specifically during the Chorban Bayis Sheini. It is absolutely horrific.

In elementary and middle school they dumb stuff down for us, so we end up with the childhood song lyrics that stick with us into adulthood that warp our ideas of the entire situation. Lyrics like:

(TOGETHER BY ABIE ROTENBERG) I am an ancient wall of stone, atop a hill so high. And if you listen with your heart, you just may hear my cry. Where has the Bais Hamikdash gone, I stand here all alone. How long am I to wait for all my children to come home? A house of marble and of gold once stood here by my side. From far and wide all came to see its beauty and its pride. But Sin’as Chinam brought it down, and with it so much pain. Now only Ahavas Yisroel can build it once again. CHORUS 1: Together, together, you stood by Har Sinai, my daughters and sons. Forever, forever, you must stand together forever as one.

And with this "romantic" version of the Kotel longing for a Bais Hamikdash we can't relate to, destroyed in a time and controversy we don't understand, we have absolutely no idea how horrific the actual circumstances were because nobody speaks about it.

"But Sinas Chinam brought it down"

Do we even know what that means?

We come up with so many of our own contemporary examples but those are seriously watered down versions of the appalling and gruesome things that were happening that caused the complete destruction of the Bais Hamikdash.

I'm 35 years old. I've been through orthodox Jewish day schools and I've been to seminary.

And never once did I hear anyone discuss it, even when we visited locations like Massada.

Nobody wants to address the harsh realities.

But how are we supposed to recognize the deeply rooted problems in order to fix them if nobody is willing to talk about it?

Rabbi Berel Wein and Rabbi David Fohrman are two of the few Rabbis I've seen discuss any of this darkness.

Rabbi Wein discusses it in his 1990s book trilogy on Jewish history. Most of Jewish history happens against a complex and continuously active and morphing secular political background, but Jews turning against Jews in the streets outside the Bais Hamikdash was OUR fault.

It was US vs US.

The streets of Yerushalayim ran red as Jewish people slaughtered each other in cold blood over disagreements. All while daily karbanos were still being accepted by Hashem in the Bais Hamikdash.

We literally can't wrap our heads around what that means.

We don't understand what it means to truly despise each other that much over nothing.

We've just exited Chanukah and it's a celebration that isn't taught in full context either.

Whenever we discussed Chanukah in grade school and even in seminary, we never went into deep discussions about the war that was being fought by the Macabees. Everything taught about the story of Chanukah was just so superficial, which is crazy because there's so much more context and nuance that lends insight into who we are as a people and what it means to survive, all of which is never really touched on.

Chanukah was not the end of the war. It was a miraculous respite in the form of a won battle and a small jar of oil. But it was not a won war.

The Bais Hamikdash still stood during the Chanukah story, but it doesn't anymore. The end of that story was not a positive one.

We annually celebrate a momentary victory of such "minor" proportions that the holiday wasn't even instituted until a year after it occurred because the leaders of the time weren't even sure what to make of it right away.

But nobody talks about how and why the Hasmonean dynasty (the Macabee family) died out and has no descendants alive today. One of the descendants became the Kohen Gadol and literally imprisoned and murdered his own family members, including his mother. (I highly recommend the Aleph Beta videos for insight into this with a positive conclusion).

We all just want to white wash history into an "everyone hates the Jews, but we didn't do anything wrong" narrative and that's just not true. We are constantly doing wrong. That's why we haven't earned the 3rd and final Bais Hamikdash yet.

And I've been raised by pessimistic people who suffer from anxiety and depression that has been coded into their DNA by previous generations who suffered from anxiety and depression, and so my outlook has always been more negative and I tend to focus on the negative more often than I should.

And this means that when I talk to friends who have experienced something negative in the frum world or I read accounts online, whether it's here on tumblr or in a frum group on facebook, and when I see some of the disgusting comments left by people who don't care that their name and their family members' names will forever be associated with that comment, I immediately think "well, color me unsurprised. it's cuz we're all horrible failures who treat each other like garbage. we are undeserving of anything good. why are we even here?"

So I'm rarely emotionally effected by this stuff because it just seems unfortunately "normal" to me. And reading these historic accounts and seeing how awful we've been to each other for millennia.... I'm just continually unsurprised by the negative things that result here in the modern world.

I think that's one of the reasons I've been so "unaffected" by this war.

Because in my mind it's "of course this is happening. we've grown too comfortable, too complacent. and that complacency leads to us treating each other like trash, which leads to yet another pogrom."

Because "when the yidden don't make kiddush, the goyim make havdalah."

It happened in Mitzrayim. It happened in Shushan. It happened in Germany.

We like to say "never again" in reference to the Holocaust, but what are we saying?

It seems like more often than not we're saying "we won't let the goyim kill our people" but we have no control over that.

Hashem does.

The only things we have control over are our own actions. And our own actions, when focused on the things we're supposed to be doing, are what will prevent the goyim from killing us.

But it always starts with us.

And I'm trying, dear Future Husband. I'm really trying.

I know most of what I do is wrong. And I'm trying to correct myself. I'm often so stuck inside my own head that my constant failures are all I can think about and it makes positive change harder than pushing a boulder up a steep hill, but I'm trying.

I visited Israel for a short time earlier this year for the first time since seminary and I got pushback from pretty much everyone I spoke to when I told them that, despite having plans to stay in a city outside of Yerushalayim which I had to catch a bus for, and shlepping huge bags with me, I wanted to visit the Kosel first thing.

"You can do that later in the week when you're settled."

"You'll end up missing your bus if you're shlepping all over Yerushalayim when you get in."

But it was important to me and I couldn't understand how it wasn't important to everyone else.

Upon entering the land that even Moshe Rabbeinu didn't have the privilege to step foot in, how could the Kosel - the location of the greatest tragedies in Jewish history, and the holiest place on earth - not be my first stop??

How could tearing kriyah not be the first thing I do?

In fact, when I told people I needed to go and tear kriyah, some of them even asked "oh, you do that?" as though it's not an accepted thing to tear kriyah at the site of ultimate sadness in Jewish life and history. Some people told me I should wait until rosh chodesh so I wouldn't have to tear, because "loophole!"

To me, not visiting the Kosel first thing would be like being away from your parents' house for decades and then coming to stay in your old bedroom without saying hello to them first. Such a slap in the face. (And this is coming from someone who grew up in a family steeped in dysfunction and doesn't speak to her father...)

But so many people wanted me to push it off because it would be "an inconvenience."

THAT is what I mean when I say we are complacent.

THAT is what I mean when I say we are too comfortable.

I know so many people who live in Yerushalayim and when I was there and asked some of them the last time they visited the Kosel, I got numbers ranging from weeks to months. (A few said days, but not most).

Because "life gets in the way" and "we get busy."

And I know I'm not perfect in any way, shape, or form, but that honestly blew my mind and made me feel differently about everyone, and not in a good way.

Which just reinforces my negativity, which is even more problematic...

But I keep trying anyway.

How I wish Hashem would speak to me more clearly than the cryptic messages He sends me like this odd "coincidence" of the term "Am Segulah". Because I don't know what this message means.

Maybe it's a nod to the idea that we are cherished despite not feeling like we are. Maybe it's a message to tell me that I need to think more positively. Or maybe it's something else that I won't understand until the day that I die. I have no idea.

Regardless, wherever you are, I hope that you are trying too.

Because these are trying times. And all we can do is try.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

I Had A Moment

Dear Future Husband,

I've had a lot I've wanted to post here over the last few months but it's been too much, really, and a lot of the things I've wanted to say would come out sounding completely insensitive and that just wouldn't be appropriate for what everyone has been struggling with. I'm also slow at processing things properly, which I think I've made kind of clear in this blog in the past.

Regardless, I'll reiterate: I'm often too pragmatic, honestly to a fault.

Everything about the way I think and feel (or don't feel) is a direct symptom of the way I was raised, regardless of how in denial my parents are of the way they raised us.

I've been sleeping worse than normal for the last three months (it's literally 10:20am right now as I'm starting to write this and I still haven't slept since yesterday and I only slept about 3-4 hours yesterday, so you can probably see where this is going....) and I'm too tired to really explain myself thoroughly here right now, but I thought I should share this.

Since the war started in October I haven't felt much about it.

This is the whole insensitive thing I was talking about....

I'm a half a world away dealing with so many other things and b"H all the people I know in Israel are as safe as they can be during this insanity, so it's hard to relate to anything that's going on over there.

I've also never been much of an emotional person, so I've seen a lot of the footage and pictures and haven't had much of a reaction. Which is ridiculous, I know, and maybe one day when I'm not falling on my face I'll take time to go more in depth on what I mean, but today is not that day.

Anywho, when I was in Seminary in Israel a whole 15+ years ago, I started reciting the entire sefer tehillem during the week of Chanukah.

That lasted maybe four or five years, but I'm so slow at reading Hebrew that I would always procrastinate the days perakim and end up off schedule and it was too much pressure on myself to do something that nobody told me I had to do. So at some point I just stopped doing it.

But another "tradition" I started at the same time was doing a content "diet" and cutting out all non-kosher movies, tv, music, and books (except for bathroom reading) for the entire week of Chanukah. That is something I still do pretty much every year.

So during the rest of the year I listen to the radio or my non-Jewish music with the blutooth in my car, but during Chanukah it's only Jewish music.

Last Thursday night, the 8th night of Chanukah, I was listening to music in my car on the way to the supermarket to buy some things for Shabbos and the song L'man Achai by The Chevra came on.

I listened to it once, not having heard it in a long time, and sang along with it. The next song came on, but my mind was still on L'man Achai, so I put it on again, harmonizing with it. And then it sunk in as an earworm and I played it again.

And I had a moment.

It was on this third play that I actually listened to the words of the song. It's from two separate perakim of tehillem.

Leman achai v're'ai adabra na shalom bach Leman bes Hashem Elokeinu avaksha tov lach Hashem oz l'amo yiten, Hashem yivarech as amo ba'shalom

The first part is from Perek 122:

And the second is from Perek 29:

My translation skills aren't that good (hence the screenshots), so I was sitting in my car trying to suss out what exactly I was saying in the first part, but when I got to the second, I got completely choked up. Words just wouldn't come out right and tears did spring to my eyes. Although the tears didn't spill over, the knot in my throat took a while to dissipate and I stopped singing along with the song. All I could think about was how many people in Israel are wishing for peace and strength, and how many have picked themselves up after such a tragedy and are moving forward, not letting this keep them down at all.

And I thought about every galus we've been in. Every massacre of Jews for thousands of years because of feuds that run so deep in our history that even when they've been resolved by the people who started them, their children still carry that hatred in their hearts because they've been taught it's important, even when it's not their fight.

And the sarcastic and angry part of me was saying "Hashem gives us strength? He blesses us with peace? WHAT peace? WHAT strength???"

But the rest of me just felt the brokenness of it all.

I ended up playing the song several more times in a row, getting my voice back enough to yell out the lyrics, hoping if I could say them loud enough they'd permeate my soul and maybe I would feel something more than just that momentary strangle. That maybe just putting the words out into the world would be enough.

So after three months of playing the part of "it's so terrible, it's so sad" but not really feeling those emotions, something in my brain finally clicked. And I had that moment.

It's been a week and I've had the song on repeat in my head since then. It doesn't have the same impact on me as it did last Thursday in the car, but I keep thinking about it.

It's like the earworm of the century has burrowed into my brain and no matter what I do to distract myself the tune is always on the periphery of my thoughts.

Not that this whole situation hasn't been far from my mind every day anyway.... but now I have a small and constant reminder that I can have human feelings on occasion. It just sometimes takes three months for that moment.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Triggers and Transparency

Or the Fall Out Boy title: I Have A Hater, So I Must Be Doing Something Right...

Dear Future Husband,

I reuploaded my last post because someone decided to comment publicly calling me out for "making a chillul Hashem" by posting it publicly, instead of messaging me privately and having a conversation about her feelings on the matter. And then she blocked me so her comments on that post are now hidden to me, but not to others who come across it and can see and respond to them. Fun.

And that is just super petty and manipulative, so I decided to hide those comments from the world too by hiding the post and just reuploading the whole thing.

But I also want to discuss this situation, because I think it's important to respond to what she had to say.

Let me start with this: Nobody has to like me or agree with me. I don't demand or expect that from my readers.

In fact, I don't demand or expect readers in general.

This is my tiny pixel of the internet where I can say what I want/need to say. For the most part I’m venting and yelling into a void anyway.

I've had this account for years. My first post was in 2016 and for the first few years, I didn't even have any followers, not that I really care whether or not I have followers, because that's not why I created this space for myself anyway.

If people choose to interact with what I have to say, that's awesome.

If they get something out of it, that's awesome.

If I get something out of it, that's awesome.

But I write lengthy things.

Sagas. Epics. Novels.

I write dark things.

I write a lot, but I don't share everything.

And what I share is my thoughts and experiences based on my experiences and thoughts.

That's not for everyone. And it isn't meant to be for everyone.

I'd assume most people click the "expand" button, see how long my posts are and nope right outta' there anyway. It's shocking to me if anyone actually cares enough to read what I have to say. Even more so if they choose to respond.

Do I love it when they do? Sure.

We all have that ego, and I'm sure we all post publicly in hopes people interact, as much as we do it for ourselves. If I truly wanted to keep these things private, I'd write in a journal (which I also do on occasion and a lot of that does not get shared), but most of my posts are somewhat of a cry for help (some more obvious than others) and if anyone sees my beacon and responds, it makes me feel less alone. And considering I've been super lonely most of my life, it's nice to share something I experienced and have someone out there say "hey, I get it, and you're not alone."

Now, I’ve been on tumblr in general for like 15 years and I have multiple accounts that I use for different purposes - different fandoms, different thoughts I want to share with different audiences, etc, and I created multiple accounts because when you comment on stuff it’s always associated with your main blog and that’s just wrong for the different ways I interact with different people about different things. Like, I don't want fandom stuff coming back to my religious blog or my food blog coming back to my music blog, etc. But I don’t come on tumblr as often as I used to back in the day, so while these accounts are still active, I don’t use them all that much.

So when I saw that after a small back and forth with this other person on my last post that their comments were suddenly “hidden, blocked, or removed,” I figured that meant for everyone and that she’d deleted them, so I in turn deleted my responses to her, feeling they wouldn’t make sense for someone to come across and just see mine.

But then I tried to send her a private message to discuss the matter and her blog somehow just magically “disappeared”… oooooh, so mysterious. Which made me realize, “oh, you dumbbell, she blocked you, which is why you can’t view the comments anymore.” And then I wondered if it was for sure just me who couldn’t see them or if it was everyone, so I logged into another account and lo and behold! The comments were visible! To everyone! So my deleting my own comments solved nothing and just made it look like I deleted my responses because she called me out, which was not the case. (I’m a fan of context and wouldn’t be that petty.)

So I used one of my other accounts to send her a message and told her I was open to an actual conversation about why that post of everything I’ve ever posted triggered her and she responded and then blocked me again so I couldn’t reply.

I anticipated that.

But in her response she made more accusations and basically called me an idiot (so nice, I know). So I used another account to send a follow up message to respond to one of her accusations and to basically say 'this has been fun, have a nice life.' To which she responded “I’m not even reading this.” And then blocked me again.

Also as anticipated, though I didn't follow up again after that.

But here’s the thing: she was accusing me of being condescending.

(I never claimed I wasn't... lol)

But her biggest issue seemed to be more that I was condescending while “targeting” irreligious Jews with my #tags, essentially inciting their responses and mocking them to their webfaces.

Except, no.

I also asked her why she felt the need to respond solely to this post out of all my other posts and she replied that she had responded to my posts before, and that I only couldn’t see them because she’d blocked me.

Except, no.

Using another account that she did not block I was able to check all the comments on all my posts (after having checked my notes before she blocked me on this account) and she has responded to exactly ZERO of my other posts. So, now we’re in gaslighting territory. Fun.

But I'd like to break down what she had to say and respond for my own edification and also for anyone who happened across those comments while they were live and should have context. Also in several years the whole "argument" will be confusing and I use posts like this for my own context.

So let's start at the beginning:

XXXXXXXX said: I’m frum and the amount of condescension dripping from every word of this post made even me deeply uncomfortable. I’m really not sure how you can claim you were respectful when you literally recorded the ceremony just so you could more accurately make fun of it later. Yikes yikes yikes.

Condescension dripping from every word. Mkay.

I believe she's referring there to the part about my cousin's irreligious wedding, despite me starting that post with how odd or confusing a lot of modern wedding tradition is to me in the religious Jewish sphere and how I'd like to do things when it's my turn.

I also didn't record it so I could mock it later, I recorded it because it was baffling to me while I was experiencing it, and I process things differently from most people, especially when I'm in a moment of heightened stress (which, being around family is for me) and wanted to remember things later and figure out what exactly went on. I do this all the time with other events and conversations too.

The fact that the recording came in handy when I was writing things out for my own processing was a bonus, honestly. I wish wish wish wish wish I'd recorded a lot of things in my life that I didn't. This was just one I wish I'd started earlier in the preceedings. The officiant said some really lovely things about my grandparents and I would have loved to have the recording for that too. I'm not super duper close with my cousins and don't know if I'll ever see the wedding video or if all of that will even be included in the video (since most people go cinematic these days and cut a lot of stuff or overlay music) and it would be nice to have that for posterity.

Just because I didn't outline it in my post doesn't mean there weren't other reasons for recording the event. Also, it's not like they said no recordings or anything before the ceremony. If they had, I would have respected that.

And being respectful to their faces and making "nice" in person is the Kiddush Hashem I was referring to in the original post. Being the religious relatives has always been exceptionally weird for us in so many ways.

Hell, a relative who exclusively reads the NYT believed that we were anti-vaxxers spreading covid to everyone and refused to show up at an event we were invited to, despite never having a conversation with us about it or even asking.

There are always assumptions made about us and how we live our lives and how we won't be part of things and aren't accepting of anyone and aren't courteous or respectful of things that aren't religious. And yes, in my anonymous post on a website none of my relatives frequent, I did express views that could be considered not respectful. But you know what I did in person? I smiled, I said hello, I gave hugs and handshakes, I made it clear that we're open and friendly and kind people, and that family is important to us.

Some say that's hypocritical, but when it comes to Shalom, you do whatever you can to ease interpersonal relationships, regardless of how you actually feel on the matter. If they aren't in a place to hear your opinions, you don't shove them in their faces.

And why would I close the door to the possibility of them doing kiruv in the future? If all they see is that their religious relatives are awful, they'd never want to do teshuva. By not expressing everything I'm feeling in person, it leaves them with positive feelings towards us "weirdos" and that leaves the door open to potential spiritual growth on their parts in the future. The positive feelings they continue to have towards people who believe in the Torah IS the Kiddush Hashem.

XXXXXXXX said: And then recording it all in writing and davka putting it in a tag on a website where the vast majority of people who will see it are not frum and likely don’t even personally know a frum person in many cases? There’s a chillul Hashem here, but it wasn’t the wedding.

Take a look at every post in my blog, babe. They're all tagged the same. They've always been tagged the same, going back to my very first post in 2016.

I started it that way because if I ever decided to deviate in a post, I wanted to be able to reference my own posts with relevant hashtags. At the time, I didn't know where things would go (if anywhere) with this blog and wanted that option. And again, in the beginning it was intended to reach an audience of possibly likeminded people who could commiserate with me. At this point, I hardly even think about the hashtags. Hell, one of them is #i am the shidduch crisis. I'm fairly certain I'm the only one who uses that one...

Saying that I davka went out of my way to post something offensive in a place where it would incite anger is just absurd. And if that post is offensive simply by existing in the Jewish zeitgeist, then so is every other thing I've posted and tagged the same way, considering the majority of my life experiences and writings are heavily negative, yet this was the ONLY post of mine she's ever responded to. And most of my posts have maybe two likes and zero comments, so most of the jumblr world couldn't care less either, apparently.

I unfortunately did not take screenshots of my responses to her in the comments, so I don't recall exactly what I said... but it was something along those same lines.

I think we also need to have a conversation about what a chillul Hashem actually is.

Desecration of God's name.

Or using God's name in vain.

You know... kiiiiind of like an incongruous priestly benediction or a bracha levatalah. Or nine of them. (Or 100 of them if you consider that most of the attendants also said the blessings using Hashem's name inappropriately...)

XXXXXXXX said: Wow. You have a very, very close-minded view of the world. Also, not sure if you understand how this website works. When you tag something jumblr, you aren’t just sharing it with 2 followers, you’re sharing it with everyone who follows that tag. By tagging it that way, you are ACTIVELY spreading it to a wider audience. Yeah, it’s your life and you can record it however you want, but you don’t get to pretend that putting something into the public sphere as an Orthodox Jew doesn’t impact how people view Orthodox Jews.

So now my tiny pixel of the internet is responsible for how the whole world views Orthodox Jews. Mkay.

Yes, words have power.

Yes, what I say and put out into the world matters.

Yes, I look to commiserate with people who get it.

But no, I'm not responsible for what people choose to read or ignore.

And again, I hardly even think about the hashtags when I apply them. It's just kind of rote at this point and, again, despite me using the exact same hashtags since 2016, my audience is still basically two people.

The hashtag jumblr has hundreds, if not thousands of posts on it. And people post things there that are offensive to me, but that doesn't mean they're offensive to everyone. If they can post their thoughts, I can post mine too. You can't please everyone.

All of these posts are like greeting cards on a rack at the grocery store. Using a hashtag is like giving it a category like "Birthday" or "Uncle's Retirement." You don't have to read all of them. Literally nobody is forcing you to. If you see one you don't like, put it back and move on with your life.

And again, my posts are usually so insanely long that most people don't have the time or attention span to read them. (Hell, I rarely do when I'm looking back over my own writings for things.) And so, these posts are not for them. They're essentially a diary of my experiences, and everyone experiences things differently. That's totally fine. I don't know why you have to get all up in arms about that just because I see the world differently than you.

It's also kiiiiind of hypocritical to tell me that I have to see the world the same way as you and in the same breath tell me that my relatives don't have to see the world the same way I do.

I did mention in one of my responses how interesting it was that she chose THIS out of aaaaaaaalllllll my 40 posts here on tumblr as the only one to respond to, despite my using the same hashtags since post #1. And that's when this one came:

XXXXXXXX said: And ftr I have replied to other posts of yours before…I’m sorry you don’t recall, but I don’t have to reply to every post you ever write to earn the ability to protest when you put something reprehensible out into, again, the public sphere consisting mostly of Jews who do not have much direct experience with Orthodoxy and whose negative views of that brand of Judaism you are actively reinforcing.

But no, honey, no you haven't. You know how I know? Cuz I checked. You've literally never commented on a single post of mine ever before.

You know what you HAVE responded to?

ONE comment that I made on one of YOUR posts.

That's it.

Ze hu.

Also, you don't have to reply to every post I ever write to "earn" the ability to protest when I write something you disagree with, but some kind of prior relationship would be helpful instead of literally coming out of left field with hostility.

I mean, I followed her, but she never followed me. I didn't even know I was anywhere on her radar.

It's also interesting to me that I'm actively reinforcing negative views of Orthodoxy by being confused by the inconsistencies of people who claim Judaism matters to them, yet have such a lack of respect for what Torah and being Jewish actually means.

Why does being Jewish even matter if you're not going to do anything that shows even one ounce of respect for anything of the tradition of Judaism? We're more than bagels and smear, my dear.

If they wanted to have a secular service, I wouldn't have cared!

If they just wanted a party for family and friends and to exchange vows despite being legally married already, I wouldn't have cared!

Ok, I would have cared a little. It would have been sad, but I wouldn't have written a whole post about it.

And it's baffling to me that someone of Torah values wants me to just ignore the fact that my irreligious family is basically laughing off the whole religious thing as a meme and not something of deep significance for our people.

Intermarriage, especially when it comes to the offspring who THINK they are Jewish but ARE NOT has ramifications***. It literally would have been better if she'd never attempted a conversion at all. Because at least then there'd be honesty, and their kids would know they're not Jewish. This entire thing is built on sheker.

My aunt was literally laughing at the fact that they'd have to remind the non-Jewish relatives to not add crab to a crab cake for a bris. Like, whatttt!?

Just as an aside, these are the same relatives who, when LittleBean was barely a year old and LilSis took her out of her onesie and put her in a bib so she could eat without making a mess at a family event, started making strip club sounds, whooping, and pretending to fling dollar bills. AT AN 11 MONTH OLD.

So, I'm sorry you're offended by my take on the situation. As I said, my content is not for everyone. It's not meant to be and most people won't even read it, so I couldn't really care less.

But all of this was also coming from someone who posts condescending, negative stuff ALL. THE. TIME.

I guess the only difference is that she... doesn't use the hashtag jumblr? Cuz it's not like any of her content isn't public and can't be found by irreligious Jews on tumblr and associated with Orthodoxy or anything... *insert confused shrug gif here*

I could post examples, but I'm trying to be respectful of her block and not cause further machlokes. (Lawd, give me strength...)

Regardless, my message to her from my second account was basically combatting the claim that she had responded to posts of mine in the past ("the lie detector determined THAT was a lie").

I mentioned that it seemed like due to that fact alone that something I wrote was a trigger for her and I was willing to have an actual conversation about why she was triggered. (Mostly for my own edification. My intention with my posts isn't to trigger people and although I'm not responsible for their mental health, if there's something I can do to improve the way I express things I'm open to hearing about it, whether or not I choose to implement it later.)

And I said that if she wasn't interested we could chock it all up to a difference of view and opinion and move on with our lives.

I also mentioned that I bear no ill will towards my relatives who mock the Torah, nor do I bear ill will towards her for her responses towards me and my post.

I started with "Hiya" and ended with "K'siva v'chasima tova." I all-capsed some words to emphasise my points, but think it was otherwise a respectful message.

But she instead hit back with: You can't see my previous comments on your posts *because I've blocked you.* Bizarre that you recognized that was the reason for replies to one post disappearing but didn't make the connection to the rest. Regardless, I don't think you're actually open to having an actual conversation about this topic if your only interpretation of a non-Orthodox rendition of a Jewish wedding is one of "mocking."

No "hi," no "clearly we're both defensive of our positions" or anything, just straight in with a thinly veiled "you're an idiot."

Because it's not like I'm smart enough to use a second account where her comments ARE visible to check and see if she's commented on any of my other posts or anything... Nope, I'm just a moron. Mkay.

Also, I have more than one interpretation of non-Orthodox renditions of Jewish weddings. It literally depends on the context. If they'd been respectful, I would have too. But hon, you weren't there. Soooo.... yeah, my interpretation was the same as my non-denomination GayUncle and his lapsed CatholicHusband's interpretation - it was a sham. Seems there was a consensus among at least a few of us about that, and we don't have remotely the same values or world views at all.

Hell, I once went to a Bucharian wedding for two baalei teshuva who don't have frum families that was vastly different from anything I'd ever experienced before and even THAT made more sense to me that the disjointed mess I experienced this past Sunday.

She then said: These people were not raised with your knowledge base or experiences. They are just getting through life the best they can, and the fact that they ACTUALLY BOTHERED TO HAVE A JEWISH WEDDING instead of doing something completely disconnected from Judaism or letting the legal wedding be the beginning and end of it should show you that they...actually do care. The jump from "these people aren't doing things how I would do them" to "these people hate and mock Judaism" is an absurdly and depressingly cynical one and I just don't think there's a productive conversation to be had if that's how you think about these things.

They "actually do care" about... what?

If they "actually do care" they'd do things properly. And by properly I mean traditionally. And by traditionally I mean the way that even my non-denominational GayUncle and his lapsed CatholicHusband recognize as correct.

They are not "just getting through life the best they can." They're doing things "uniquely."

I mean, you wanna talk privilege... that's it right there, babe.

But I'm open to a "change my mind" segment. Just because I view things in an "absurdly and depressingly cynical" way doesn't mean that with a conversation I couldn't be swayed to see things her way.

Unfortunately, she chose anger and hostility and to block me instead.

Like, babe, you don't know my life.

You've clearly never cared enough to chime in before, so I guess what I've written previously wasn't so offensive as to incite a response from you in the past. But ok.

There was no "hey, this sounds incredibly negative, are you sure this is content you want to put out into the world?"

Or "I don't know if you're aware, but this is directed at a large audience who probably don't see things the same way and you may want to change how you phrase things."

Or "just so you know, these kinds of views may not be well received by the people who use these hashtags, so you may want to change or remove them."

It was just "you're an awful person for the way you see things."

Which means you don't know my lived experiences or what has caused me to have this outlook on life.

You know what's a great way to learn those things? By having an actual conversation. *shocked pikachu face*

But no, she's way happier dismissing me entirely.

And you know what, that's fine. Because again, this content is not for everyone and it's clearly not for her. For everything else, there's Mastercard.

So, if you read this far, then maybe this is the content for you. If so, welcome! I'd love to have you here. Just be warned, a lot of it is dark and often cynical.

Feel free to share your thoughts and opinions on what I have to say. Or don't. Ghosts are also welcome!

And if you've read this far and decided this greeting card isn't for you, just stick it back on the rack and move along. That's really ok too.

-LivelyHeart

--------

***I wanted to add this into the post, but it didn't really match with the flow. There was a story that came out of Israel like a year or so ago about a family of missionaries posing as Jews. And based on what I read and heard, it seems that the way they were able to infiltrate the frum community was by receiving a gett.

I don't recall all the details exactly, but I think the husband had been married previously or something and he was able to acquire a gett for a marriage that didn't have a kesuba, but he was then able to use that gett as proof of being a religious Jew that then allowed him to not only make aliyah, but also end up in a position as a community rav and mohel. So, this non-Jewish, Christian missionary with a frum-looking wife and children with peyos was giving brissim to frum boys.

So when I say these kinds of things have ramifications, I'm being 10000% serious.

WifeLizzy IS NOT JEWISH. But she thinks she is. Which means their children will believe they're Jewish too. This is no joke. Who even knows what kind of ripples that will have on future generations?

Literally, Moshiach now.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

My Cousin Finny

Dear Future Husband,

Let's talk weddings.

Going to weddings always makes me think about what I'd like if/when that day comes for me, and I do have some untraditional things I would like to implement if/when the day comes, mostly because some of the ways frummies do weddings today confuses me. But I don't know all sects and traditions, so maybe my ideas have some roots in yiddishkeit too and they're just not done anymore in the circles I frequent, so they just seem untraditional in light of modernity. Who knows.

Some of my ideas come from things that just seem to make sense and some come from wanting to avoid uncomfortable family stuff.

The event would kind of run as follows:

Kabbalas Panim would take place under the Chuppah. There's pretty much a consensus that the Chuppah represents the couple's bayis neeman b'Yisrael - essentially the Torah home they're going to create together. And I like the idea of the wife representing the home and kind of welcoming my guests into my home by sitting under the Chuppah for Kabbalas Panim.

I hate the idea of a schmorg, because of the gluttony and pushing and messiness of the food eaten while standing around... just so much ick. So I'd like to keep mine to light refreshments of cut fruit and veggies, with maybe some cake and cookies. And I don't think I'd want it in the same room as the Kabbalas Panim because I hate how loud it gets volume-wise when people are standing around talking and eating while you're trying to get a bracha from the Kallah. That special moment shouldn't have to be screamed. It's also super weird for people to stand there with plates, shoving food in their mouths while staring at the Kallah. No thank you.

For the Badeken, the Chasson would come dancing out from his Tish to the Chuppah where he would do the veil and the traditional brachos would be given.

And then we'd immediately start the Chuppah proceedings. None of this precessional stuff and having to deal with parents I don't want to deal with or walking down an aisle or separating after the badeken. It makes no sense to me that the Chasson does the veil, which is essentially "checking to make sure it's the right girl" and then disappearing. What is the point of that when you then give ample time to switch out the bride for someone else? (Not that that's done, obviously, and it's all kind of symbolic and allegory, but it's just nonsensical to me.)

While the Kabbalas Panim chairs are removed and the Chasson takes his place at the center of the Chuppah, the Kallah would start the seven circles and the guys selected for the Sheva Brachos would be called out and lined up next to the Chuppah so there's no searching the crowd and waiting for people to hobble down for their bracha in the middle of the ceremony.

I would also like the glass to be smashed during the singing of Im Eshkachech Yerushalayim, because it always rubs me the wrong way when the glass is smashed as a reminder of something so awful and the immediate response is a joyous Mazel Tov! I know people have reasons for it, but it bothers me. So the smashing would happen during the singing and then the Mazel Tovs! would follow the conclusion of Im Eshkachech Yerushalayim, which is something I've seen before, albeit rarely.

I haven't asked a shaila about this one yet, but I would really like to go straight from the Chuppah into the first dance and do the yichud room after. It's all symbolic anyway, so I don't see why it would be an issue to switch those two parts of the evening. Once the first dance has ended, anyone who isn't invited to the sit-down can just leave, and they don't have to stand around waiting for the first dance while everyone else eats their first course or have to come back later for a simchas Chasson V'Kallah. They can just go on with their day/night.

Chasson and Kallah pictures would follow the yichud room, which would follow the first dance. I know family would complain because everyone sweats while they're dancing and nobody wants to take pictures like that after, but there'd be some respite while we're in the yichud room and there are plenty of photos taken during dancing and after weddings anyway that I think people can blot some powder, reapply some lipstick and get over it. It would be my simcha anyway and if the pictures come out bad it would be my fault, so who really cares.

Then we would rejoin everyone for the meal, have a second dance, dessert, and then do Sheva Brachos before thanking everyone for coming and wishing them a good night.

I also love the idea of doing all of this on a Thursday night, and having all the out of town family and friends stay for the weekend so we could all do Shabbos Sheva Brachos together at a hotel or something. It would definitely give us time to actually spend together which doesn't often happen with a Chasson and Kallah at a wedding. Although that would require money I just don't have at the moment, so right now it's a dream more than a reality....

But anyways, that's my dream wedding. A bit untraditional, but I think it's still doable and would be a really time-efficient simcha for everyone involved, so people don't have to drive themselves as crazy as most people do for frum weddings. (And I'm not even a yekke!)

So, these are things I think about often when I attend weddings. And these were even things I thought about this past Sunday at my cousin's wedding, despite that being the first non-Orthodox wedding I've attended since I was like 4 years old.

Since I'm not using real names here, let's call my Cousin Finny, just because I like it as a pun to My Cousin Vinny (in case you didn't get it...). And his "wife" is... let's go with WifeLizzy.

My mom's parents aligned Conservative, which, back in the day, was often run according to more Orthodox/traditional values. At least, the congregations my grandparents chose to align with. So they raised all of their children according to those Conservative/traditional values.

And yet... the only one still Conservative is my AuntSD. One of MotherLivelyHeart's brothers is gay and started off Conservative but kind of slipped to Reform and now seems kind of nondenominational. He's legally married to a lapsed Catholic and they don't really do much religious stuff unless it's for the memes.

And then there's UncleJJ. My mom has always described him as having married into the family he wished he'd been born into. UncleJJ's wife's family doesn't really align with anything. They are Jewish by birth (until this new generation of grandkids, at least...) and kind of leave it at that. I mean, they did the big bar/bat mitzvahs for the party, but that's really where it ends for them. None of the kids in my generation of their family have even remotely Jewish names and the odds of any of them marrying Jewish are slim-to-none based on how they live and who they date.

But AuntSD told me recently that UncleJJ and AuntJJ were on the board of their temple until recently. They've been very involved in their Reform world, despite it literally never coming up. I had no idea they did anything other than send their kids to Sunday school and do the big bar mitzvah parties.

So it was kind of a shock when I found out that their son, CousinFinny, met his now-wife on a Jewish dating app. None of us realized that held any iota of import in his life, because despite us being the religious ones, we never talk religion with them.

At the time they met, WifeLizzy was not yet Jewish. (Technically she still isn't because she converted Reform and has not taken on the 613 mitzvos required to be a kosher convert...) So why she was on a Jewish dating app is kind of sketch to me, but she's a total sweetheart, so I would like to believe her intentions were pure. She was on her own path to Judaism at the time and I've heard she was very upfront about not yet being Jewish when they talked, so it wasn't like she was pulling the wool over anyone's eyes, and instead just kind of seeing what her options were.

I haven't gotten the full story on how long they dated, but I believe it was close to if not a full year before he popped the question.

And after like six months of planning a major shindig for this past Sunday.... they went and got legally married and moved in together. So this wedding was more of a community wedding than the thing to solidify their relationship and allow them to move forward, since they were already cohabitating at that point...

Anywho... Let's talk about this wedding.

First of all, she looked gorgeous. Duh. lol

Second...

The Ceremony.

I wish wish wish wish wish I had recorded the whole thing, but I thought that would be rude, so I only started recording when things got strange. Which was pretty quick. lol

The ceremony was set up on a balcony with a few small trees and potted plants. The chuppah was made of lace and was pretty small, like could fit maybe 4 people total, but I figured it didn't really matter since it would just be the officiant, bride and groom under there. Off to the side and not under the chuppah was a table with a goblet of wine. All by its lonesome.

The balcony overlooked an expansive lawn. This meant that aside from the few seats that were in the shade of the small potted trees, everyone was in direct sunlight. And it was 99° F. And MotherLivelyHeart's family are all a bunch of sweaters, especially the guys. This includes the groom. Yikes.

So anyways, they had a small processional with the bride and groom, their parents and siblings, and a couple of flower girls. All in all it was really short.

When CousinFinny and WifeLizzy were dating, they apparently attended services together at some temple in the city where they were living at the time (neither are originally from there). So the wedding officiant was someone they both knew from that temple, but he's not a rabbi. He was the leader of something musical or the youth groups or something. I wasn't really clear on the description he gave of himself. Suffice to say, this was his first wedding and he was honored to officiate.

He played guitar and sang one song as everyone walked down the aisle and I have absolutely no clue what song it was, but it didn't seem right for a wedding, so I have no idea who chose it. Something about mountains and birds or something. *shrugs*

The procession ended with the bride and at the end of the very short aisle she stopped, handed her flowers to her matron of honor and faced the groom, where they stood and held hands... in front of the chuppah. I was like "ok, that's a choice."

The officiant gave a whole introduction about how this was going to be a unique interpretation of a Jewish wedding because CousinFinny and WifeLizzy had a unique relationship and they would be creating a unique life for themselves in Judaism and community. And how fitting it was that although they were already legally married, they had this community wedding because we are their community and community is important to them. Yadda yadda yadda, family is important, we are all family, they are deeply rooted in their families, la-di-da, lovey stuff about how we're all amazing and so on and so forth....

He then went on to explain that he would go through each of the parts of the wedding to come, for those who were unfamiliar, and he started with a description of the chuppah and how this one, made of lace, represents not only the home they will build together, but that the holes also represent the pitfalls and uncertainties that will come up in their lives aaaaand.... yeah, I don't recall at all how he spun that one into a positive. But he also took that moment to point out that "oh, hey, the bride and groom should actually be under here." And so they laughingly took a few steps over and stood under the chuppah.

But... uhm... even non-Jews often have canopies or arches at weddings and the bride and groom know to stand under them, so it was super weird to me that they didn't go right there and that nobody pointed it out to them until we were almost 5 minutes into the ceremony. Although, that was the same point at which I realized, if they can't even get that part right, what hope do we have for the rest of the event?

I have to take a quick aside and just let you know that I was sitting next to GayUncle for the ceremony. GayUncle who, I should remind you, doesn't do much Jewish stuff unless it's for the lulz but who was raised Conservative and understands traditional Judaism and where I hold as an Orthodox Jew. GayUncle, who has gotten way more flamboyant and become super catty as he's gotten older. GayUncle, who turned to me several times during the ceremony to scoff at what was happening. This was one of those moments. As an aside to the aside, GayUncle's CatholicHusband was nowhere to be found because 'they're already married' so he kind of believed the whole thing was a sham. Yikes. And now we return to our regularly scheduled program.

Next up, the officiant mentioned 7 circles under the chuppah. I was like, 'wow! I didn't realize that was something they were even aware of as significant!' And then he went on to butcher an explanation of what it means and stated that the bride and groom would be circling each other. (The program actually states that "It is customary, before entering the chuppah, for one partner to circle the other seven times." So, before? And not under? Mkay.) I was like 'huh? how is that even physically possible?' He instructed the bride to circle around the groom three times and then the groom to circle around the bride four times. And I was like 'ohhhhh, so not a square dance, then....'

This was the point at which I turned on my audio recorder because I needed to remember this for posterity. And I quote, "...seven circles represents creation, but also the fact that they're going around each other is symbolic because they are putting each other at the center of their lives. And from here on out, they are joined, they are a unit, and each one is the center for the other. And I think it's a symbol of the egalitarian sharing relationship that they want to have, that they each did a circle."

But he didn't just stop there. Oh, no. He then added out loud, "In traditional Judaism, I think it's just the man who goes around the woman." Ummmm.... no? And GayUncle turned and raised his eyebrows at me.

Then, under his breath while still on mic, the officiant added, "Or maybe it's the woman who goes around the man..." Yeah. 50/50 there, my guy. Nailed it.

"But here... gender is not... uh, a barrier like that."

GayUncle: rolled his eyes at me and said "Jewish-lite"

(This was also a point where my brain went "shouldn't you know what you're reforming from if you're going to consider yourself reform?")

Then the officiant called up all the parents to open a talis and hold it over the bride and groom for the "Priestly Benediction." Not as a chuppah, not around their shoulders, just kind of holding it up like a screen and blocking the audience's view of the bride and groom's faces. lol

"And the symbolism here is that there's always a passing from one generation to the next. And so CousinFinny and WifeLizzy's parents are wrapping them in a prayer shawl that a traditional Jew would wear in synagogue while in prayer. In some ways the talit.... the talit has knots in it that represent the commandments in the bible. In some ways it also represents the shelter that their marriage is going to create."

Can someone make that make sense? It's just so disjointed. Like word salad of Jewish stuff and calling it symbolism. It was confusing to me as a Jew who knows stuff. I can't even imagine how bizarre this whole thing was to non-Jews who know nothing.

And then he chanted "Yivarechecha H' viyishmerecha - may you be blessed and kept safe - Yaer H' panav elecha v'kuneka - may the light of creation shine upon you and be gracious to you - Yisa H' penav elecha veyasem lecha shalom - may you always feel the presence of whatever it is that is sacred to you and may you find peace." To which he had everyone respond Amen and then they put the talis away.

So.... in the English there's no mention of God, despite him saying Ado-nai out loud in Hebrew. Mkay.

Then he mentioned how hot it was outside and said, "we're going to try to sing a quick song to make everyone feel part of this action." And he slung his guitar back around and started strumming.

GayUncle: "Kumbaya?"

Me: "lol No, This Little Light Of Mine...."

And it was This Little Light Of Mine.

Yes.

A song not specifically written for church but which has become pretty intertwined with Christian gospel and reference to Jesus.

Was sung at a Jewish wedding.

To make the audience feel involved.

Mkay.

And the officiant "led" this song by calling out the refrains that everyone should sing next which included "All the way to our homes" (which I thought he said 'Har Homs' and I was like 'where is that?' before realizing what he actually said. facepalm moment) and "We are one big family." So... that was a thing.

And then he started the sheva brachos. Yeah.

"The next part of the servi- ceremony is called the seven blessings. And these are traditional blessings that are going to be rendered in both Hebrew - by me - and English - by y'all."

GayUncle: turned and raised his eyebrow at me, "y'all?"

The officiant directed everyone to a page in the program which had the sheva brachos in English.

"So I'm going to read one in Hebrew and you're going to respond in English. Because we're all blessing them all together." I mean, no, but mkay.

He sang the first bracha (hagafen) right, although the glass of wine was still sitting on that table off to the side, untouched....

So, one bracha levatalah down.

And everyone chanted back "Blessed are You, Ado-nai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who created the fruit of the vine."

Because, yes, the English translation in the program that the entire audience (which was like 40-50% non-Jews) had included the name Ado-nai (no dash) out for all to read and recite, despite none of us having a glass of wine. And why was it important to name God here and not with the "Priestly Benediction" he recited earlier? Absolutely no clue. #inconsistency

And then he sang the second bracha (shekol bara lichvodo) right too.

So that's two brachos levatalah down.

And everyone chanted back, "Blessed are You, Ado-nai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has created everything for your glory."

Your glory? I thought it was His glory. But mkay.

And he sang the third bracha (yotzer ha'adam) right too.

So that's three brachos levatalah down.

And everyone chanted back, "Blessed are You, Ado-nai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Shaper of humanity."

Shaper of humanity. I though that was an interesting translation. Not wrong per se, just... interesting.

And he sang the fourth bracha (yotzer ha'adam 2) with a smidge of struggle, but otherwise correctly.

So that's four brachos levatalah down.

And everyone mumbled back, "Blessed are You, Ado-nai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has fashioned human beings in Your image, patterning them in Your likeness, preparing them to share in the chain of life. Blessed are You, Ado-nai, Shaper of humanity."

I have found no translation that says anything similar to "preparing them to share in the chain of life," so.... yeah, that was interesting too.

And the fifth bracha (sos tasis) he started off ok and then ended it like he was second guessing himself, "Be-va-neh-... Be-venha."

So that's five brachos levatalah down.

But then everyone chanted back, "May Zion, the heart of our people, rejoice in the in-gather of all its children, and all who join together in loving relationships. Blessed are you, welcoming one, who makes Zion rejoice with her children."

UHHHHMMMMMMM.... NO?

This one sounds like it was written specifically for gay couples. Or maybe for non-Jews who want a Jewish wedding? Instead of H's name in the English part, it's "welcoming one" after adding in "all who join together in loving relationships" both of which are in no way part of the Hebrew that was just recited. Talk about gaslighting anyone who can't read Hebrew. Also just plain BIG YIKES.

And so we approach the sixth bracha (sameach tisamach). The pronunciation was a bit off, but he got through it.

So that's six brachos levatalah down.

And everyone mumbled back, "Grant great joy to these loving companions as You once gladdened Your creations in the Garden of Eden. Blessed are You, Ado-nai, Who gladden the bride and groom."

So, back on track with tradition, I guess. No way to modernize that one, eh?

And the final bracha. The longest bracha. And the bracha he had THE MOST trouble with in terms of pronunciation. I don't know if it was nerves, lack of practice, dyslexia, or all of the above, but he BOTCHED this one. And pre-empted it with, "Whoo, this is a hard one...."

So, that's seven brachos levatalah down. In more ways than one.

And everyone responded, "Blessed are you, Ado-nai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who created joy and gladness, bride and groom, merriment, song, dance, and delight, love and harmony, peace and companionship. Ado-nai, our God, let there soon be heard in the cities of Judah and Jerusalem the sound of joy and the sound of gladness, the voice of loving partners from the chuppah and from the festive songs of young friends. Blessed are You, joyful One, Who brings loving companions together to rejoice in each other."

I guess they used that ending instead of "the groom rejoicing in his bride" because as we heard previously "here... gender is not... uh, a barrier like that."

So... not an exact translation. But mkay.

It was at this point that the officiant remembered the glass of wine.

Side note: I don't even know if the wine was kosher. If it was and also non-mevushal, huge issues with CousinFinny drinking after WifeLizzy. Not that they'd know or care. It probably wasn't kosher. I mean, the reception wasn't kosher and neither was the wedding breakfast we heard all about, which included crab cakes with real crab and prepared by the bride's non-Jewish family. I know this because they were joking that when they make a bris they could serve the cakes but they'd have to keep out the crab haha. And then the bride's family asked 'what's a bris?' and everyone got real quiet. So... yeah. That's a thing.

So the officiant tells them to please each take a sip, WifeLizzy going first, and while they're drinking he tells the audience that the wine represents the sweetness of life and we always drink wine at a festive event. And after they've each taken a sip, he says "some for me!" and takes a sip himself. He then recites the blessing over it - another hagafen. After which nobody drinks and they put the glass to the side. Mkay.

So we're at eight brachos levatalah now? Or nine, technically if you include the "Priestly Benediction" from earlier... Fun.

"And NOW" he asked the bride and groom to make 'personal statements' to each other. Not vows, just personal statements. Which were also basically vows...

I should point out that throughout this whole thing, WifeLizzy kept wiping sweat from CousinFinny's face because he was drenched as were all the other men in his family, because as I said - they're sweaters. She also spent some time swatting gnats and removing the ones that stuck to his sweaty face. lol

The vows were cute and sweet. The sweat and gnats, not so much. I hope their pictures look ok.

They then did an exchange of rings. (Although the program does state "In Jewish law, a marriage becomes official when the groom gives an object of value to the bride and this is traditionally done with a ring." and states nothing about an exchange or the bride giving anything to the groom...)

CousinFinny repeated after the officiant and said, "Harei at mikudeshet le ey betaba'at zu kedat Moshe v'Yisrael - behold you are consecrated unto me on this day according to the laws of Moses and Israel."

So, kind of botched the "li" part there, but ok.

And then WifeLizzy repeated after the officiant and said, "Harei atah mekudash li betaba'at zu kedat Moshe b'Yisrael - behold you are consecrated unto me on this day according to the laws of Moses and Israel."

I'm not sure why it was "v'Yisrael" for him and "b'Yisrael" for her, but ok.

Also, the whole idea of exchanging rings cancels out the kesuba. Although, I didn't get a photo of the kesuba (which was on display next to the guest book), so I have no idea what it says and whether or not that is kosher either. Assuming of course that a kesuba can be kosher if the bride isn't Jewish....

They then did the breaking of the glass.

"Now we're gonna' break... a glass... which is traditional, symbolizing the fragility of life." Mkay, no.

"And the fall of the temple in Jerusalem." There you go, buddy.

"And as soon as that glass is crunched, they are husband and wife." Well, technically they would have been already, had she actually been Jewish and all the brachos been correct...

And then the officiant led everyone in an acapella 'Siman Tov U'Mazel Tov', completely forgetting (I'm assuming) that he was literally wearing a guitar.

I turned to GayUncle and said, "So, I'd say this wedding was a bit unorthodox, but..." and he cracked up, "Sure! You would, wouldn't you!" (For the record, I tried to tell that same joke to AuntSD like 10 minutes later and she cracked up and was like "Oh! GayUncle told me you said that!" No secrets in this family. lol)

Then everyone filed back inside and lined up at the bar for margaritas while we said hello and goodbye to the bride and groom and misc other family before ducking out as everyone sat down to eat. No clue what it was, but it smelled good.

And that was that!

A three hour drive for.... that.

Suuuuuuper fun experience. I can only hope that we frummies made a kiddush Hashem by being friendly and respectful and keeping shalom in the family by being a part of their "unique" event (despite the event technically being a chillul Hashem... My mom told me that during the ceremony she basically said tehillem and vidui. She joked that she was in a state of "forgive them, Father, they know not what they do." ). Because who knows where their path will lead them in the future. She seems to want to be connected to Judaism and maybe their path will lead them to growth at some point where she realizes that she needs a proper conversion and they learn enough to know to ask sheilos to figure out whether or not they can actually be married in a proper kosher ceremony (him technically being a kohen and her being a convert and all).

I'm always on the lookout at weddings for things I'd like to incorporate into my own. Suffice to say... I don't think I'll be taking anything from this one... Except maybe don't do a ceremony in direct sunlight in the middle of 99° F summer weather. 😅

-LivelyHeart

-------

Ps. I completely forgot to mention the outfits!!! Omigosh. Do people even know what "wedding attire" means!? My family and I were the only women with sleeves, but the bridal party guys were all in formal tuxedos and all the wedding guest guys were in like casual suits or just button downs with semi-casual pants. But the women!? My god. Someone needs to teach these women how to dress. Some negligees cover more.... It seems like the bride's closest friends got the memo, but all the other guests were so much cringe. And the outfits weren't even like hot or cute, they were just... sad. Frumpy jumpsuits and casual sun dresses that look like they're sized for toddlers. So much yikes in "fashion" these days.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Today's The Day Ok, A Day. Today is "A" Day.

Dear Future Husband,

I haven't discussed this at all, but my cousin is getting married today. He's Reform. And she's... well, she thinks she's Jewish....

They met on a Jewish dating app (which I was shocked to hear because I didn't think religion really meant anything to him at all ever) before she converted. So... as a non-Jew... she was on a Jewish dating app. I didn't realize that was an option.

She grew up kind of in the middle of nowhere with no Jews around and yet something inside of her said she needed to be Jewish, so she set off on her own path to Judaism and although she was like a year away from actually converting, she was seeking a Jewish guy to marry.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Well, sof sof, they dated, they fell in love, she converted reform (which seems relatively meaningless to me, but ok), they got legally married a while ago and moved in together, but the party and "religious" wedding is today.

Unfortunately, he's technically a cohen, so even if she did convert properly, he still wouldn't be allowed to marry her. But I don't think any of that matters to either of them, so... yeah.

It's fun when you try so hard to do things right and follow the Torah and life keeps smacking you down, all the while, those who couldn't care less are out there living happy lives.

Half my family (I'm talking about the religious ones here) are pissed and up in arms about us supporting an intermarriage, the other half is just kind of like 'you can't live anyone's lives for them, nothing we say will make a difference, we're going for shalom bayis with the family, just leave it at that.'

I'm somewhere in between.

But it's my mom's family and she hates dealing with her family because she's always been the odd man out amongst them all and she feels like they're constantly critical of her life. None of that is untrue, but when she's stressed out, everything goes to hell.

As if I didn't already have enough problems with her, she's been amping herself up about this wedding and it's driving me to drink. Well, if I could drink.

Someone texted her last week "pictures are at 4" or whatever and although we all had a discussion that we wouldn't be there until later because BigSis has to work, MotherLivelyHeart refused to respond with that information. So all of Shabbos she was stressing herself and us out with "they're always so mad when I'm late and now we're going to be late" and I was like "if you had told them a week ago when they messaged about it, you wouldn't have to stress about tomorrow because they'd already know it was a pre-set thing and not that we're just running late or trying to avoid pictures."

But of course she couldn't hear it. Because she's her. And it's just exhausting.

I still have no idea what I'm wearing, so I should probably figure that out...

What does one wear to a religious ceremony of an irreligious family? Most of my wardrobe looks like it walked out of the 2004 winter collection for Haute Topic, if that were a thing. I have a few florals, but most of them are white and apparently that's a huge no-no for most weddings, even though the florals are quite prominent and the white is just a background, but whatever.

I also dread being in pictures, so this is going to be fun.

I have these first two and then a lace dress similar to the third that's kind of a brighter teal shade:

So, those are options. But it's supposed to be like 100 degrees and all three need skirts underneath as well as shells, so that's a lot of layers for hot weather. I also have to make sure the shell that matches the dresses is clean...

I probably should have done this a week+ ago, but I kept hoping I'd get sick or something and just wouldn't have to go.

I also have to deal with my hair (which I absolutely hate) and my makeup, which I'm just not in the mood for. And then the wedding location is like two hours away, so it's like half a day of driving and prep for a wedding that probably won't even have any kosher food for us and I doubt we'll be there for more than just the ceremony.

Isn't family just so fun!?

On a brighter note, the a/c was finally replaced on Friday. I meant to do an update last week but got sidetracked and that draft is now moot. But anywho, they came on Monday and the replacement part for the replacement part didn't work either because apparently the unit had some kind of short in it and it was causing all the compressors to fail. So they told us on Thursday that they'd be here Friday with a whole new unit. And chasdei Hashem, so far it's working!

On the downside, this of course means that MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis have it set really low and the entire apartment is now an icebox, because I have no say in how much it's run despite me being the one who pays the electric bill. Because even when things go right they suck.

Anywho, I'm off to raid my own closet and see what's actually summer appropriate and wearable to this sham of a religious wedding that I have no choice but to attend for shalom bayis. Fun.

-LivelyHeart

-----------

Update:

I can't find my layering skirt for the first two dresses. The only ones I can find are black or bright white. Yikes. And I found another floral dress that's all pretty and roses but I don't have a shell the right color to go with it, which is probably why I have yet to wear it anywhere....

Undone by my own lack of proper planning. Is anyone really that surprised? It's also 8am and I haven't gone to sleep yet, so.... yeah, today's gonna' suck.

Update 2, after the wedding:

I ended up going with the first dress. It was technically long enough to wear without a layering skirt but I still wore a black pencil skirt underneath, just in case my knees were visible when I sat. Although the only sitting was during the ceremony and the chairs were so close together my knees wouldn't have been visible to anyone anyway. But, better safe than sorry! I sat in the little bit of shade that existed in the seating, so I hit homeostasis pretty quickly and despite wearing so many layers, I didn't sweat all that much in the almost 100° F weather, chasdei Hashem.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

A Guy

Dear Future Husband,

It's been several months since I've heard from CousinAR, who is freshly back from seminary and getting ready to start college, but on Thursday she messaged to say hey and also ask about my shidduch resume and what I'm looking for. And then she and her mom CousinES called me to discuss.

Because it's about a guy.

I'm pretty sure it's not you though, for quite a few reasons.

Reason #1:

I don't think our families would be compatible.

He's apparently from a yeshivish family with like ten kids, they all do impressive things for work, and they grew up in a very fancy place.

Me? Not so much. To pretty much all of the above.

I think I wouldn't fit in well at all with his siblings.

And I've been an oddball for so much of my life that if/when I get married I want it to be with a family that feels like family.

Or with someone who has literally nothing to do with their family so it's just the two of us in our own happy little bubble.

Either one.

Reason #2:

He has the exact same name as the father of the family that lived. next door to me pretty much my entire first 28 years of life.

MrNextDoor is a very nice, chashuv person. But he's also kind of overbearing and inserts himself into situations where he's not always welcome. I guess social cues are just not his forte.

I will admit that his pushiness has been a benefit on some occasions, as he's been able to accomplish some amazing things including setting up schools, getting neighborhood ordinances followed, and one of my non-frum grandparents actually got a proper burial because he not only insisted on coming to the levaya despite it being an hour away, but also brought proper shovels and stood there in the hot sun with my brother filling in the grave before the bobcat could come and finish the job.

But I'm a weirdo who just can not see past the name.

In a hypothetical situation where we dated and he actually liked me and I liked him and we ended up getting married, there would never be a day in my life where I couldn't say his name and not think of MrNextDoor and it makes me so uncomfortable to even think about.

It's just too ew for me, even if he is a nice guy.

(because I'm a mess of a human, obviously)

Reason #3:

He's 5 years younger than me.

And in case we haven't covered this ground yet, I'm an agist.

Whenever I hear about an age gap, my first thoughts go to what that time disparity represents.

For one thing, it means that I graduated high school the year he was bar mitzvahed. Which is weird.

For another, it means that he's still in his 20s and I'm so "middle aged" already. lol

And in a lot of ways he's still very young, while I'm just so decidedly not. Not physically, not emotionally.

And that also leads into

Reason #4:

He doesn't have a full time job yet.

He's bounced around a bit in terms of work, trying to find a community where he feels comfortable, and jobs have understandably come along with that kind of moving.

But that also means he's not a settled person. And he's young, he has that option in life. But I'm an old curmudgeon and although we may be compatible in a lot of ways, I need someone who is more settled than I am to be the rock in the relationship.

Reason #5:

He's studying to become a mashgiyach.

Not a yeshivah mashgiyach, but a food mashgiyach.

You may be wondering why that's a reason not to marry someone, and for some people, maybe even a lot of people, that's not a problem.

But I grew up in a household that was built on the instability of a family "supported" by a mashgiyach.

For the first 10 years of my life my father was hardly ever around. He worked odd, long hours out of town and constantly hopped from job to job.

I don't know if things are different now, but at the time mashgiyach work was more like gig work than it was a real job.

In those first 10 years my father worked at 17 different places, but the last two years he was at one location, so it was more like 16 jobs in 8 years.

That's not stability.

And I know we're in galus.

I know we're not supposed to be comfortable.

I know that just because someone has a steady job now doesn't mean they will tomorrow.

And I know that everything is in Hashem's hands.

But I also know that you have to do hishtadlus.

And if you're doing the work of a shoeshine man on the side of a road where nobody walks, you're not going to become a millionaire through your work.

Unless you're a gadol. I'm sure we've all heard those stories.

But for the beinoni - for those of us in the middle, we have to at least attempt steady, stable work at a certain pay grade for Hashem to provide that kind of sustenance.

And I don't see that happening for me with a mashgiyach.

Considering how much the average cost of living is today in the US, generally. And considering how much higher the average cost of living is today in the frum world... I don't see the paycheck of a mashgiyach cutting it to provide for a family, with or without whatever I'm making to contribute.

Reason #6:

I just don't know how to broach the whole "I don't think I can have kids" thing with my cousins.

On the one hand, I don't want to put a stumbling block before the blind by going out and forming relationships with young guys who believe that's a possibility with me.

On the other hand, I know that everything is in Hashem's hands and I know a woman who was told she'd never have kids and went on to have like 15, so just because I think I might not be able to doesn't mean I won't at all.

But having children is his chiyuv, not mine. It should be his decision whether or not to pursue a relationship like that.

So do I not tell CousinAR and her mom, the two people in this equation that I know and trust, about the whole kids thing?

Does even talking about it make it an ayin hara and less likely to happen for me?

Do I keep allowing CousinAR and her mom to make shidduch suggestions for me, all the while keeping this huge secret and finding reason after reason to shut down their suggestions?

Reason #7:

I don't really find him all that attractive.

I know, I know, it's the whole shallow conversation all over again, but it's true.

And again, that's such a hard thing to say to someone who is so excited to make the suggestion in the first place.

"He's so nice! And I was listening to what he was looking for and I just kept thinking you fit all those boxes!"

I've explained that even if I don't think I'm the right person, I'm more than happy to chat with someone even once to see if maybe I know someone else for them.

But

Reason #8:

I'm still a mess of a human. I think we know this. It's been established. We continue to go over this again and again.

And it's sweet that my cousins don't recognize that about me.

But that also means I'm hiding it really well. Which is a problem.

But I think we've covered all of that before...

And so, here we are again.

A nice suggestion, but me lost in the middle just so unsure of how to say "thank you, but no thank you."

I can't be the only one that struggles with this, right?

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Happy Effing Elul To You, Too

Dear Future Husband,

I just don't get it.

This month's motto is "Ani L'Dodi V'Dodi Li" - I am to my beloved and my beloved is mine.

It's supposed to represent our relationship with Hashem and His care for us as well.

So explain to me why on the day we celebrate the ushering in of this "loving" month, more stupid crowbars have been thrown into the mess that is my life.

Let's review the situation:

The air conditioning is out. For how long? No clue, because we still don't have an update on when the replacement will come. I'm sorry, the replacement for the replacement because the first replacement was broken.

Because the air conditioning is out, we have to use other forms of air conditioning units than the HVAC system that is included in the apartment. And because our windows are a ridiculous size and shape, venting the portable units means taping cardboard up and around the vents. And this of course means that the tape job is subject to heat and humidity, so it doesn't stay up properly and has had to be fixed at least once a week since we set them up three weeks ago. Which also means that our windows are essentially open all the time and an access point for bugs, rain, heat, and humidity. Fun.

The elevator right next to our apartment is under repair. They start this maintenance at 5:30am despite the building having a rule that all contractors have to start after 8am and be finished by 4pm. But I guess the building's gonna do what the building's gonna do.

But now things have changed a bit. So here's what's going on today:

One of the portable a/c units we were able to borrow died. MotherLivelyHeart was able to get a new one to rent for the next month (the shortest term the company would allow), but in the meantime, like half the apartment didn't have air filtering or cooling for over 6 hours today.

The elevator repair guys had to do something that required a lot of power, so they set up some kind of generator that has made the entire building smell like butane or something. Or at least, any part of the building that is near the elevators.

And guess whose windows are right next to the elevators.

And guess whose windows can't be closed properly right now.

And guess whose apartment didn't have proper air filtering for like half the day.

You wish I was joking. Hell, I wish I was joking. If it weren't such a nightmare, it might actually be funny.

These coincidences aren't coincidences.

There's just too many of them and nothing happens by accident.

This is God deliberately doing things that are beyond our control to make our lives miserable. To make my life miserable.

The month that's supposed to draw us closer. The month where Hashem shows how much He cares. And this is the crap I'm dealing with.

And MotherLivelyHeart now has an eye twitch and major pain in her ear, so we have to get that checked out when she's done work. Is it just stress? Who even knows at this point.

I haven't been sleeping well, so I'm practically falling asleep even writing this, but I still have to take care of some work stuff, do the Shabbos shopping, wash a ton of dishes even though my foot is killing and makes standing for long periods of time difficult, and then cook for Shabbos.

90° today but "feels like" 97°.

Also something I ate last night is bothering my insides so I haven't eaten anything yet today and I've been in and out of the bathroom since I woke up.

I just don't want to move.

It's almost 5pm and this day just sucks.

Gotta tell you, I'm really not feeling the love. What a great way to start the month.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Hope Is A Stupid, Useless, Worthless Thing To Have

Dear Future Husband,

What did I ever do to God to deserve this life?��

I really, truly want to know. 

Who was I in a past life? Some kind of rival god? A murderer? What could I have possibly done that is so godawful that I am deserving of all the petty crap God throws my way every single frickin’ day? 

You know what today is? 

Day 21. 

Day 21 of no air conditioning. 

And you know what the “real feel” temperature was 12 hours ago? 99°. With humidity between 55-80%.

Yesterday was supposed to be the day they fix the air conditioner. Well, really that was Friday but after scheduling that day for the repair like two weeks ago, they updated with “we wouldn’t be able to come until the afternoon.” Ok, well, Shabbos still starts pretty late, so that shouldn’t be a problem, right? “And it’s an 8 hour repair.” Oh, and our building has a rule that unless it’s an emergency (which shockingly this is not??) all construction can’t start until 8am and has to be done by 4pm. Well, except when that construction is something our building manager is in charge of like the repair of an elevator that is right next to our apartment and set to start today at 5:30am. Kill me now.

But what happened with the repair yesterday? Oh, just that the replacement compressor they were supposed to install is ALSO broken. It took them like two weeks to get in THAT compressor, which means it’ll probably be another two weeks before they get in the replacement for the replacement.

I’m just so done with all of this.

The problem with no air conditioning is more than just no cool air to temper the insane heat. It also means nothing to condition the humidity out of the air, which means my bedroom is a swamp. 

I know I’ve referenced it in at least one of my recent posts, but I don’t remember if I actually shared the story about why my bedroom is a swamp, so let’s do that now. 

We moved into this apartment in 2019. We actually knew before we moved in that there was an issue with the a/c unit. We had come for a couple of Shabbos meals to the family that lived here and there was major paint peeling on the ceiling throughout the apartment, in particular near where the ducts run. One of the biggest problem areas was the smallest bedroom - the room that was designated to be mine. 

And so, before we moved in, we had a contractor go through and make some modifications and repairs, one of which was the whole vent/insulation issue in my bedroom. 

And guess what repair didn’t really work out well, after being assured that the issue was taken care of. Yeah.

So in July/August of 2020, less than a year after we moved in, I started to notice water spots on my ceiling in my closet and near my vents. We told the contractor and figured when he had time in his schedule again, he’d come and figure out why there was still an issue. Shortly after that a bubble formed on my wall. It turns out that the built up condensation from the duct in my ceiling had made its way through the insulation, through the drywall, and was coming down behind the paint on my wall, creating a water filled bubble. 

Of course, this happened on a Friday. 

I showed a picture of it to MotherLivelyHeart and in all her genius and wisdom, for the first time pretty ever, she called the contractor and demanded an immediate response. So while I was in the kitchen finishing up cooking for Shabbos, and less than an hour before licht benchen, despite my protestation and request that it wait until Monday, two of the contractor’s guys came over and ripped open my ceiling. Oh, I’m sorry, they didn’t just rip open the ceiling, they shoved everything that had been alongside that wall out of the way first, covering and blocking my bed with everything that had been under that entire section of ceiling. So when I finally got a chance to get into my room like 10 minutes before candle lighting, I couldn’t access my Shabbos light to turn it on, my bed was covered in muktza and a mountain of other stuff I didn’t have any place for, there was debris all over the floor from them pulling down the drywall including shards of wood (one of which I had to remove from my foot with a pair of tweezers a couple of months later), and they had put down a sheet of plastic, so with the water dripping freely, it was now splashing all over the clothes in my closet. 

I told my mother I was just alerting her to the issue and it could wait until Monday. She didn’t listen. I told her it would affect my Shabbos and my life and she didn’t listen. No, she instead went off on me about how this is her home and her insurance and the damage would be “on her” and she called and demanded they come immediately, so they did. And you know what? It affected my Shabbos. It affected my life. It’s affected my every day life since that day three years ago and nothing has changed. The ceiling is still open to the elements and my room is still a swamp when it’s humid.

You know what being overtired feels like? Like at some point you’re so tired that you don’t feel tired anymore, but if you lay down you’ll crash for a day and a half? That’s basically where I’m at with my anger towards my mother about this. I’m so mad that I’m not even mad. But if you let me get mad, I will fall swiftly down the rabbit hole of “my mother is a raging narcissist and cares so little about me.”

About a month into having my torn open ceiling face me every day and the contractor not doing a thing about it because apparently he was waiting for my mother to contact her insurance company about it, but suddenly she can’t act swiftly about anything, I was mad. I was seething. 

I was raised on “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” and so I didn’t. I was so mad that I reverted back to what I was like as a kid when I was mad and I shut up. I wouldn’t talk to her. I avoided meals with her and kept my communication to “I’m going to work” and “I’m going shopping, if you need anything.” And because of the fun way the air moves through our apartment, when I closed my door one day and it slammed instead of closing nicely, she flipped out on me and threatened me with the same thing my father used to threaten us with when I was a kid - find a new place to live. 

To say that’s an inappropriate thing to say to a child is an understatement. We were made to feel like our house wasn’t ours. We never had a home. It was just a house we were being “allowed” by our parents to live in. We lived under the threat that if we did anything to piss them off, we were no longer welcome. We never had the safety and security that comes with having a home. 

God, I’m such a frickin’ mess. 

So there I was again, a broke adult, being threatened with the same thing. All because I was upset that she couldn’t care less about how I felt because of her impulsivity. She was all “this needed to be dealt with immediately” and I was all “yeah, immediately after Shabbos when I have a chance to move things and deal with this properly.” 

My mantra for that first month was “IT COULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL MONDAY” and hers was “THIS IS MY HOME AND I’LL DO AS I PLEASE”. 

So, the door slammed accidentally, she flipped and she demanded we talk. And I broke. And said things I didn’t want to say, but that she forced out of me. I still kept things as civil as possible, but I cried, which is something I never do, especially in front of people. She was relentless and I told her (not in these words, but) what she was doing was extremely crappy parenting and that she was being extremely inconsiderate towards me and how all of this was affecting my life. I couldn’t move in my room, my own space. I was sleeping in a swamp every single night. I had debris all over my floor and all over my clothes that kept getting in everything. The entire path to the door was covered in plastic sheeting that had pools of water on it. Water was splashing into my closet and my clothes were getting wet. Yes, the wetness in the ceiling was a problem, but at least it wasn’t an everyday inconvenience when it was just happening inside the ceiling. And it was understandable that at some point the ceiling would have had to be opened so everything could air out and not create a mold issue, and for the problem to be assessed and solved, but things could have been handled better on her end. She could have actually cared. 

I have gone through 4 DampRid containers in the last two weeks alone. FOUR. It’s been three summers since my ceiling was ripped open and every single one has been miserable, but this one more than the previous two because of this a/c debacle with the humidity we've been having. 

Let me show you what the basic issue is. I’ll use some photos of a mockup I made in the Sims4 so you can see what I’m talking about, but basically this: the closet in my bedroom shares a wall with the room that houses the a/c unit. And although each room has its own ceiling, the space above them both is a shared space and not insulated. So, any heat, any cold, any humidity, any anything that comes in through the little a/c room basically makes its way directly into the crawlspace/bulkhead/whatever and enters my room. So whatever the temperature is outside, you can bet it's around the same in my room. But honestly, the humidity is worse than the heat. 

And because of the layout of the rest of the apartment, my room is kind of at the end of a small hallway and essentially an appendage that is not connected with the rest of the “flow” of the apartment. 

So we were able to borrow two portable a/c units - one in the kitchen and one in my mom’s bedroom, which means the communal spaces of the living and dining room get cooled off, my mother’s bedroom and the kitchen get cooled off, and none of that cool air makes its way to my room. 

I have my ceiling fan going nonstop and it does practically nothing to help. It just spins the hot and humid air around and around. 

I tried setting up a blizzard fan in front of my door to pull the air out and it barely worked. So I tried turning it around and pushing cool air into the room and it barely helped. 

I’ve been sleeping with ice packs, but because the heat and humidity have been so extreme, they condensate as they rapidly melt and my sheets get wet, which is disgusting, and they don’t stay cold through the night. 

I am so damn miserable. 

But I shouldn’t complain, right? There are people in the world who have it worse, right? And now I know how people who live in third world countries must feel, right? So I can learn compassion, right?

Except I was raised with a/c. My body isn’t acclimated to the heat and humidity the way anyone raised in a third world country’s is. And it’s not like this ever happens during the Spring or Fall. This crap always happens in the hottest part of the summer. 

And to make things worse, I take care of the electric bill, which is over $330 for the last billing period. I used to be on budget billing and pay $191 a month, but stupid me thought it would be nice to help save the planet and I switched energy companies in Feb, which took me off of budget billing (which I didn’t know would happen) and then because the pricing wasn’t actually better as I’d been assured it would be, my bills went way up, so now that I cancelled that energy contract and want to be back on budget billing, my average bill (which is what budget billing is based on) is like $100 more than it used to be. 

And the windows in this apartment aren’t normal sized/shaped windows, so to even have the portable a/c units in, we’ve had to tape up the windows with cardboard, but because of the heat and humidity, the tape keeps coming undone and there are constantly bugs in the apartment. 

Oh, and speaking of bugs, have I mentioned we have an ant problem in the car? Yeah, apparently some species of tiny ants has created a nest somewhere in the hood or the engine or the undercarriage or the gaskets around the windows or something, and they’re all over the car. Not inside, weirdly, but all over the outside. I’ve tried ant traps, I’ve tried carwashes, I’ve tried spraying them with cleansers, I’ve tried squishing them one by one and hoping they get the message and vacate the vehicle, I’ve tried blowing them off with compressed air, I’ve tried so many things and I still can’t figure out where they’re living or how to get rid of them. The issue is that having them on the outside of the car means they can easily get into the car which we discovered the second week of the ant problem, when they were all over the dashboard and console and freaking me out every time I drove, because MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis always eat in the car and the ants were attracted to the bagel crumbs. Once we got rid of that, they seem to only be an issue on the outside of the car with the occasional one inside, but I’m still constantly on edge when I drive. 

And I’m just so sick of all of this. 

Honestly, how am I supposed to have faith that Hashem will send Moshiach “today” when I can’t even have faith that Hashem will get the a/c repaired in a timely manner? 

It should have been yesterday. It should have been done already. 

How does a brand new replacement part come broken?!?! 

There’s no way this is not God spiting me. 

MotherLivelyHeart has a cool room. BigSis has a cool room. It’s been THREE WEEKS. And I’M the one affected most by this crap. I’M the one dying. 

I’ve been trying to spend more time in the living room and at work and other places that are cool, but my back is starting to hurt again and I think it’s from that frickin’ office chair. So I’m in physical pain and I’m physically exhausted from the heat and I’m emotionally exhausted from dealing with all of this all of the time. 

I’m just so done with it all. When will this crap stop?

I’ve had other things I’ve wanted to write about, but I abandoned those because even my computer is overheating from everything and I just haven’t had the energy for anything. 

So I can't hope anymore. I had hopes we would have cool air in here again. I've had hopes my ceiling would be dealt with already. I hoped the ant traps or diligently cleaning would get rid of the ants. I've hoped my back issue was a fluke and not due to my stupid office chair.

I've hoped and I've hoped and I've hoped, but this is why we can't have nice things. Because hope is a stupid, useless, worthless thing to have.

Can I even hope you're out there? Doubt it.

-LivelyHeart

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Who Doesn’t Love An Update.

Dear Future Husband, 

Licht benchen is in an hour.  I put off showering because I didn’t want to come out of the shower and sweat through my shabbos clothes. 

And now? Now it’s lightning and thunder as a storm rolls in.  And you know what you can’t do in a thunderstorm with lightning? 

Yeah…. 

So this is a fun way to go into Shabbos. 

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m so done with this crap.

-LivelyHeart