#frum

[yunghermes]

This question goes out to all the frum/orthodox homies who don't live in dense, walkable cities like New York or Chicago:

How do y'all stay observant in places where walking to shul on shabbos is a whole ordeal, kosher food is prohibitively expensive, and working a job makes davening (especially davening with a minyan) difficult?

I ask because I'd like to be more observant, but as a working-class yid who doesn't live on the east coast, it feels like I need to sacrifice my religious practice for basic survival. I was wondering how y'all are able to do it.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

I'm Not Sure How To Feel...

Dear Future Husband,

Wow. I almost wrote Deaf Uture Husband, which is either ironic or a Freudian slip of the fingers, because that's literally what this post is about.

I grew up with a disabled, lazy, mostly-absentee, so-many-other-problems, father.

And someone just sent me the resume for someone similar.

Now, the truth is, I don't know him all that well.

But I do know that he's deaf (aka disabled). And that (at least in the beginning, especially around the divorce) he has been kind of an absentee father. And that he was kind of pushed into working despite not really wanting to, so he basically works a minimum wage job.

I know all this because he's the ex of a family friend.

Yeah.

Also he's a lot younger than me, which on it's face isn't necessarily a problem, but it's the lack of maturity more than the "youngness" that bothers me.

The friend who sent the resume is one of the absolute sweetest people you could ever meet in your life.

We were in middle and high school together, though we didn't share too many classes and weren't in the same social circles, so at the time we were more acquaintances than friends.

But recently I signed up to bring them a meal after she gave birth and I've since been helping her out with the kids a few times a week and we've definitely moved from acquaintances to friends.

Since it's been less than 2 months though, we are still getting to know each other and I'm not sure if the resume was her idea or her husband's. I don't even really know if they actually know him or just read the resume and thought it sounded good for me. But she had asked me if the last name had ever come across my desk before and I just thought to myself "it caaaan't be who I think it is...." so I told her to feel free to send it over, because the best case scenario is that it's someone I've never heard of and the worst case scenario is I just say no thank you.

I considered how to word it when I saw that it was exactly who I thought it was, and ended up just telling her how funny it was that I actually did know who he was and that it was just not shayich for a bunch of reasons, but I'd keep him in mind for others.

Diplomatic, closed the subject, and now we can move on.

Or can we....?

Because this is the second guy suggested to me this year who is a little off.

And I know that kind of comes with the territory of being an "older single".

And I know that people think that I'm the sweetest person and therefore would entertain the idea of these guys because I come across as a nonjudgemental person, the exact type these guys would need to marry.

But at the same time, I'd like to think people deem me worthy of at least a 6, you know?

Neither of these guys are ugly, per se, but they're just ambitionless.

And I know, look who's talking, right? But the truth is, I do have ambitions, I just have no way to make them happen because I don't have the mazal for it.

These guys could have all the mazal in the world, but they just kind of couldn't care less, I guess.

They kind of lack personality.

And I know I have friends who are all personality who married very mild guys, but I feel like I need someone who I can have a conversation with. Someone I can be a bit combative with (in a healthy way). Someone with thoughts and ideas and who wants to do things.

Does this mean I just don't come off as my authentic self to the people who are trying to set me up? (Not that I really think I'm ready for marriage yet, but since Hashem works in mysterious ways, I don't just shoot down whatever ideas are floated my way)

The first guy who was suggested to me this year I did actually go out with. Since I was away for the summer and he was staying like an hour and a half away from where I was staying, he took a bus to come meet me, which I totally didn't expect to happen.

He was nice enough, but awkward and probably on the spectrum. I did most of the talking and it was like pulling teeth to get him to open up about most things, so I kept it light and did mostly ice breaker type conversation while we walked around a park a little bit. Then I drove him to catch his bus and that was kind of it.

The girl who wanted us to go out was an old family friend I hadn't seen in at least 15 years, but I ran into her at a simcha and she had her mom (who used to be a shadchan) do the shadchan thing.

Just based on his resume, I had a feeling it wasn't going to work out because hashkafically we were in two different places, but I figured if he was up to meet, then the least I could do was give him an hour or two of my time, because maybe I'd know someone who is right for him.

The friend later told me that he never dates because he's too shy and she'd been trying to get him to go out for several years and I was the first person he'd said yes to. She tried to get me to go on another date with him, but like I said, hashkafically we were just on two different pages though if he's interested in talking tachlis, I'll go out again, but he kind of agreed because he didn't want a second date either. (She kind of figured if she could get me to say yes then maybe he would too. I think she's just trying to get him out of his little rut, though I don't know if he wants to leave it, to be honest...)

For example, I'm looking for someone for whom attending minyan is important, whereas he prefers to daven by himself, if at all.

And I'm looking for someone who has a regular learning seder multiple days a week, at the very least over the phone if they're unable to connect in person, and he learns about once a week, if at all.

I want a Shabbos table that revolves around Torah, sefarim, and zemiros. And he... I guess doesn't?

In general I'm just looking for someone more serious about and more settled in their yiddishkeit and I didn't get that impression of him in the resume or in person (and then the shadchan confirmed those impressions too).

And as for this second guy I was just suggested... I get the feeling it's the same type of situation. I've met him several times and he just reminds me so much of my father in terms of his apathy towards yiddishkeit and being a father.

That's not at all what I'm looking for.

And I know this friend who sent the resume for this second guy sees the world through such positive, beautiful glasses, but I can't help thinking that it's kind of offensive people think that little of me.

Again, maybe that's not at all what she was thinking. Maybe she doesn't actually know him and was just passing along the resume for someone who on paper looks great. I mean, the resume looks decent. The blurb is short and hits all the important positive points, so from the outside it is similar to what I'm looking for.

But knowing the person and the way things went down with the divorce and everything definitely changes the whole perspective. His ex was literally in tears on multiple occasions that he seemed so disinterested in his role as a father and just showing up and being present when the kids wanted him.

So I guess at this point I'm just hoping she doesn't actually know him and was just passing along the resume because it looks decent.

Either way, dear future husband, he is not you. Neither of them are. I can say that with confidence.

-LivelyHeart

[juanepstein]

[greenflower21]

I love Jewish Coded Star Trek species.

You know what I would love even more in Star Trek? Actual Jews.

[eretzyisrael]

Mitzvah grocery shopping Parshat Kedoshim 

[barleyteanghibli]

The newest edition of The Maccabee Gazette is now live! This month's newsletter brings you mental health tips during political strife, a look at some Jewish women throughout history, and a new series, Diaspora Spotlight! This month's spotlight is Canada.

The Maccabee Gazette is brought to you by Cable Street Chavrusa. CBC is an antifascist, Jewish discord server centered around advocacy, education, and Jewish observance. We welcome all Jews including those who are queer, POC, disabled, and systems!

[yipt]

[moroniccats]

Oh my god this is beautiful.

times are tough right now so have this image that i love.

[sonicziggy]

"Whirlpool" by FRUM https://ift.tt/Gy1DdN3

[tubbiecustardt]

babies….

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

The Stupidity Doesn't End

Dear Future Husband,

Yesterday was an okay day and today was an okay day. No major hiccups or blowups or stupidity. Things were actually relatively okay.

But of course, that means nothing, because everything can change in a split second.

There's a Little Old Lady in our building who is moving to an old age home soon and MotherLivelyHeart decided that we should have a goodbye party for her.

The discussion of this party went from "we should invite everyone she knows to come say goodbye to her" to "we'll just keep it a building thing."

And every time discussion of this thing came up, I kept saying we should do it in the party/conference room that our building has, but MLH has some unexplained hatred for that room and always nixed the idea. She wanted "to do it in my home. I have a beautiful home for a reason."

The last discussion we had about this party earlier in the week (after she agreed to doing the mealtrain thing on Thursday and before she decided she doesn't want to do that again for quite a while), it seemed decided that we would have the party in the hallway near Little Old Lady's apartment with a tiny table set up with a little nosh and a bunch of chairs, instead of in our apartment.

When MLH bought the stuff for the mealtrain breakfast, she also grabbed a boxed cake and boxed brownies. And at some point she scrounged up a bag of popcorn. And erev Shabbos, BigSis baked the cake and brownies.

Then, on Friday, MLH pinned an event in the building whatsapp chat reminding everyone to come say goodbye to Little Old Lady and the time that she posted was 6:15pm-6:45pm or "after havdallah." And the location she posted was our apartment.

Now, time is important for a few reasons. One of which is that, recently, for some reason unbeknownst to me, we have started following a different havdallah time than we used to.

When I was growing up, we waited the longest time for havdallah because my father thought he was chassidush or something and that's what he'd been taught. But it became an issue when he wasn't davening with any chassidush minyan anymore (and hadn't since I was like 2) and we were the weirdos, having heard havdallah at our friends' houses and still unable to do anything after shabbos (like get a ride home) until the proper zman.

My parents spoke to a rabbi* about it who told them that since they had chosen this time as baalei teshuva who didn't really know anything, they could change it. But it was a one-time change and they couldn't adjust again after that, and to be sure of which time they wanted to switch to.

So when I was in high school, we all of a sudden started keeping the "one hour" that most people keep. I believe this is the opinion of The Gra...?

And so, 6:15pm this week becomes important when, out of the blue, we're not ending Shabbos at like 5:30pm if Shabbos started at 4:30pm, but instead at what I think is the offical Tzais HaKochavim time of around 5:45pm. Because by the time Shabbos is over and we've cleaned up from shelosh seudos and actually finish havdallah it's after 6:00pm, which gives us only 15 minutes to set everything up.

And right before havdallah is when MLH decides to tell us that she forgot to get small plates. Oh, and also we don't have any drinks.

This was something SHE was planning. She didn't ask for any help. In fact, ada raba! She told me point blank that she didn't want me making a big deal over this and buying or baking anything for it. "I'm just going to pick up some cookies or something." I was like "fine, this is your thing, go for it."

Well, Little Old Lady showed up at like 5 after 6pm and parked herself right between the kitchen and dining room, when we had just barely finished havdallah, and nothing was set up yet.

We now have 10 minutes to get everything ready which includes finding a folding table for the hallway, making sure we have a tablecloth for it, tracking down small disposable plates and some drinks.

Because none of this was done before Shabbos.

Then another neighbor shows up and she sits next to Little Old Lady and now the direct path from the kitchen to the dining room is blocked, despite us clearly needing that area cleared to be able to get things set up. But whatever. God help our cluelessness.

MLH makes some statement about getting the hallway set up and BS all of a sudden goes "why?" And MLH says "because that's where we're setting things up." And BS makes a face and says "why? it's cold out there." And MLH goes on some mini diatribe about how our apartment hasn't been tidied up and it's so embarrassing, devastating, and humiliating.

Yes, in front of Little Old Lady and Other Neighbor. FFS.

Well, BS's resistance settles the topic - we're doing it in our apartment.

Which shouldn't really be much of a shock, considering that MLH set the location for the event as our apartment and nobody knew the original intention was to have it in the hallway to begin with. But whatever.

Right after Little Old Lady arrived, MLH started cutting the brownies and needed a tutorial on how. Like, seriously? While she was cutting the brownies I asked her what she wanted to do with the bunt cake.

Her response: "Well, we could do an icing or a drizzle, but that means pulling out the confectioner's sugar and vanilla and making a mess... we could cut it up and put it on plates, or just leave it plain and let people do what they want. It's a cake; don't overthink it."

So fine, I left it alone.

Then at about 6:20pm, while she's cutting the brownies into ridiculous shapes despite what I had shown her, she asks me "What do you want to do with the cake?"

I said, "I don't know, it's your cake, whatever you want."

And I get back a condescending remark through forced smile and gritted teeth: "Thank you so much for your help."

Because, I'm of course the bad guy.

Because she "planned" and did a piss-poor job of it.

Because I clearly needed this right now.

I should add that I've been having issues today with the arm that I broke earlier this year. I don't know the cause of it, but I've been experiencing pain for hours, which she knew. And I even made a comment to her about how the most pain is when I have to rotate my arm and grasp things which is required for cutting and carrying.

Yet she kept trying to get me to cut and carry things.

It's almost like she wants me to say no so that she can be upset.

I don't get it.

Anyway, so now we're hosting this little party in our apartment that is "so gross and disorganized and unclean and an embarrassment" or whatever, and while guests are literally coming in she's puttering around tidying random things and muttering under her breath how embarrassed she is at the state of the apartment.

Which, granted, is a bit unorganized, but isn't unclean. It's just not "host-a-party" clean because we didn't clean to be hosting a party.... because it was supposed to be in the hallway and not in the apartment....

So at around 6:30pm, about halfway through the time she alloted for this "party", MLH was fuming at the embarrassing state of our apartment and my inability to be helpful physically (or idea-wise, considering I just parroted back the whole not overthinking the cake situation to her and I guess that was the wrong thing to do), BS started putting together a glaze for the cake, and I sat down on the couch, out of the way, and checked a few messages on my phone and started cataloguing my thoughts.

And MLH took that opportunity to ask me in a whisper across the room "are you going to join us?" To which I was like "what?" and she said louder "are you going to join us at the table?" and I was like "I don't know, maybe" and she said something like "well, then, just go to your room. this is not nice." Because I guess me sitting on the couch on my phone while things were still being pulled together and Little Old Lady was shmoozing with two neighbors, was the rudest thing I could possibly be doing.

Should I remind you that I'm in my mid-30s?

And being reprimanded like a child.

For being in pain and out of the way while people set up a party that I was told straight-up to not do much for.

I frickin' hate my stupid life.

Shabbos was decent and this is how my week starts.

I'm over it all already.

So, my dear future husband...

Here's wishing you a shavua that's tover than mine.

-LivelyHeart

*and just because my life is ridiculous and stupid, this rabbi was someone my mother was doing work for at the time, and who has since been locked up for being a disgusting pervert who went off the rails when he was found out and arrested. I don't even know if he's frum anymore, not that he truly was if he was really doing all those gross things he was accused of, which I kind of don't doubt, based on the piles and piles and piles of evidence....

[greenflower21]

THANK you !!!!! Like, as an orthodox woman I’m so tired of the constant judgement from people who think it’s cringe that I love Hashem and think they’re morally superior just bc they are uncomfortable with my practice. Like.. I’m not forcing you to follow my way of life, I respect your choices, why can’t you do the same for us? Again, you don’t have to understand someone’s way of life, you just have to not be a dick about it. Did we all forget that being inclusive and respectful of others beliefs also applies to religious people as well??? Hmmm???

im not an orthodox jew (im conservative/masorti) nor am I a woman, but it is wild to me how often ill see an orthodox woman explain why she chooses to do something and why it brings her joy/comfort/empowerment, and literally every goy is like "ummm that sounds sooo horrible i could never do that you must be suffering so much". no she literally just said she liked it why are you convinced that every woman who is willingly part of a religion must be trapped.

like yall claim to be feminists but dont actually support women making their own choices, especially when those choices can impact men. so what if that orthodox woman isn't gonna have sex with her husband for a bit? so what if she likes to cover her hair a wig instead of a tichel? is it your place to judge her at all? the answer is no!! leave her the fuck alone. if you truly care about autonomy then learn to support it even when it's not a choice you'd personally made. do it without snarky comments about how you can't imagine how she does it, and actually try to respect the real person that she is

also please listen to actual orthodox women on this more than you listen to me. they are the ones with front row seats to this antisemitic misogyny, and they should be taken seriously when they talk about their issues

[mothcpu]

There's no point in trying if the end result will be the same anyway.

[greenflower21]

Númenor is so Jewish

[taxikatze]

random george related things (paul too) ⬇️

[greenflower21]

That’s some Frum shit right there.

Man I love Star Trek

Trekkies talk a lot of shit about how they're hard scifi considering I just watched Kira Nerys time-travel with the power of prayer.