#I'm so tired I didn't do these in order
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I love singNsong again reminding people in Side Story that Dokja wanted other people to read TWSA (he wrote reviews and comments! It was his first wish), and he only stopped bothering because people harassed him for it. He didn't gate-keep the story. When he's avoiding talking to Sangah about it at the beginning of ORV, it's because he knows what happens when he tells people about the story, not because he's gate-keeping it from her. He notes he's not proud of his hobby (likely because he's been bullied all through his life, including for reading the thing he loves): he finds it embarrassing to talk about, and better respects her studying Spanish in her free time (learning another language is a generally accepted thing in society). He assumes she won't care or will look at him funny (or worse) for when she learns about the novel he's into.
Basically anyone writing "let's gatekeep ORV" posts because of the anime announcement or because they dislike the manhwa or some other weirdness, y'all are the villains in the scenario.
The literal climax of the story is about sharing ORV with as many people as possible. What story were y'all reading?
#orv#really tired of the stupid gate-keepy bs in some parts of this fandom#omniscient reader's viewpoint#kim dokja#side story spoilers#it's been quite fascinating seeing novel fanatics come out of the woodwork against potential anime fans#while showing how much they hate the manhwa and manhwa fans too#the only actual official English translation we have is the manhwa#acting like we're all in this together like no#I adore the novel and the manhwa#and folks who started with the manhwa or just happen to also like the manhwa but also like the novel see you for what you are#avoiding talking about something is not gatekeeping#it's often recognizing various social cues#like oh this person probably isn't familiar and I don't care to explain#or I'm worried they'll treat me badly if they know#when you're trying to connect with someone you tend to look for things you share not stuff you don't#if Dokja heard about people trying to gatekeep orv he would be disgusted#also NOT gatekeeping orv is literally the climax of the story I am so deeply confused by people encouraging gatekeeping of it#you're making han suyeong mad#she didn't nearly kill herself writing orv in order to share it to everyone they could find so people could gatekeep it#that is literally the opposite of the goal#it's not bad to ask if folks have read the novel because for a variety of reasons folks may not have#but it is bad to act like reading the novel is a fandom requirement especially given all we have is a fantranslation using MTL#or you must love the novel above others or the novel only#I want singnsong to get fucking rich from this story they shared and which I and many adore#gatekeeping does not make that happen#also good luck getting people to buy the Yen Press novel translation when it comes out when you act like this#the manhwa is available in at least seven languages officially fuck off with this gatekeeping crap#don't get me started how a lot of y'all don't even know what twatf is and a good chunk of y'all who won't even touch it when you do know#and that doesn't exactly bother me but it does bug me when book purists get all high and mighty
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my princess nonsense is being encouraged watch ouyt imabout to be eneaabled
OK WHATF ATHAT'S SO CUTE I HAD TO MAKE IT i know realistically there's little to no chance that rei DOESN'T know how to work heels 🤣 BUT IMAGINE.....ING.... YAKUMO GENTLY GUIDING REI IN HEELS, WEEKS BEFORE THE BIG GALA AND HAVING NONE OF HIS NORMAL FEAR OF PHYSICAL TOUCH BC HIS [TEACHER MODE] IS OVERRIDING HIS INSECURITY
#rei looking directly at the camera like why are you subjecting me to this. i do not need any of this. i know how to do it#rei wearing stilettos the size of your head so he becomes ur very tall bird goth gf#you know how yakumo gets when he instructs someone on how to cook something#he becomes confident and just tells ppl how to do stuff without his usual amount of stutter and secondguessing#i'm gonna pretend that after his stiletto training in misty vale he gains a TINY MOLECULE of confidence due to experience#like [i can help you if you've never done it before?]#honestly i can't imagine this scenario happening because i am so SURE that rei can walk in heels HAHAHA even tho nothing has proven that#SOMETHING COME PROVE ME WRONG SO MY DELUSIONS CAN SLIDE CLOSER TO POSSIBILITY#anyway even if rei didn't know how to wear heels#would he ever mention it? would yakumo ever learn of it?#rei would probably be all . i don't need to wear heels. they can't even see them under the dress. i'll wear my practical shoes#but if he can't get away with that and will be forced to wear heels at the party...#maybe he'll go [meh. i'll figure it out] and just not wear them until the day of the dance#at which point his feet will hurt after 20 minutes and for the whole night he takes any chance to sit down#rei can be frequently spotted on SOME surface SOMEWHERE in the palace. sitting all splayed out and uncaring of propriety#because he is in PAIN and these shoes are STUPID and why do people wear them for ANYTHING . Royals are so IMPRACTICAL#yakumo keeps trying to avoid heels for the dance because he doesn't want to be any taller than he already is#i bet there's a full convo about it between him and eiden#eiden trying to reassure him that if he wants to wear heels then he shouldn't let others' perception stop him from doing so#but if he genuinely doesn't want to wear them then that's ok too#eiden craning his neck up at yakumo in heels like you're my pretty princess 1-2 heads taller than me your height doesn't matter 🥰#i'm now torn. yakumo and rei both wearing heels now? in order to stay at similar heights?#or. rei starting out with heels. getting tired of them. going barefoot for the rest of the night lol#yakumo and rei still dancing in their ballgowns together but a much shorter rei leads a yakumo in heels#yes. yes this is the vision#yakurei#replies#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival rei
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Just in case nobody's told you yet:
It's okay if you don't enjoy going to the gym. Even if you go regularly, it's okay if you still hate every single second of it.
#Look I've been going to the gym regularly for 8 years#And the whole time I've had people tell me I'll grow to love it eventually#And guess what? 8 years in and I still hate it#My sole motivation for going one day is so that I DON’T have to go the next day#I'm so fucking tired of seeing fitness influences yapping about how much they LOVE going to the gym#Painting it like it's something you have to ENJOY start to finish in order to do it right#(Not to mention trying to convince you that you HAVE to go 7 days a week)#And I honestly would have loved having someone tell me not everyone ends up loving it and that it's FINE if you don't#Because I've been waiting YEARS to stop hating every second I spend at the gym and NOTHING#So yeah#It's okay if you don't enjoy going to the gym#And it's okay if you prefer other ways to exercise for your physical and mental health because the gym is NOT the only way to go about it#(I just overheard two girls at the gym saying 'they didn't understand the point in going to the gym if you don't enjoy being there')#(And it rubbed me the wrong way)#If you love it then great! I'm so happy for you#But if you don't? That's completely fine too#Influencers*
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tomorrow is my first day back to work and I'm a lil nervous
I haven't been able to get anything written for here bc I've been trying to get a couple other things written (updating my Bill Cipher redemption fic and starting a Gyutaro x reader x Daki because I make poor life choices)
but I'm on light duty for a month, basically just sitting at the register checking people out, unable to do any stocking or anything bc I'm not allowed to lift anything over 15 pounds so I can't lift totes, bend much, or reach much, so I'm allowed to bring something to do in between customers... maybe I'll get some writing done? I feel as if I'll be slacking off bc that's how my brain works
but you know what, I kill myself for that store normally, I don't work full time simply because I can't afford medical insurance if I did, but even working only part time I give my all while I'm there, I'm not someone who slacks off. so if I'm healthfully and approvedly permitted to slack off and take it easy for a month, I guess I'll take it (... plus, I mean, I'll still be working, just light duty, it's not like I'll show up and get paid to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, I'm still gonna be ringing out customers)
ANYWAY MY POINT IS-
get those last requests in! after I get home from work tomorrow, I'll be closing the askbox and won't open it back up till this batch is finished and I swear I mean that this time 😂
#mod post#should I have ordered Jessii Vee merch knowing I am not getting paid for two weeks bc I didn't work for two weeks ? maybe not#BUT DAMMIT THIS IS WHY I HAVE SAVINGS#'weirdness all the way ' button and YANA 'be kind' button and squishy pink gummi bear COME TO ME#... been uh. been doing a lot of impulse online shopping while I've been sitting at home bc idk it scratches a certain itch in my brain#and my mama has been nice enough to be buying most of my food when I usually buy my own just bc it's hard for me to walk around much rn#but I'm feeling a lot better physically I just get tired easily so hopefully I'm gonna be back to buying my own food soon#like I appreciate everything my mom and lil bro have been doing for me but MAN I don't like being UNABLE to do shit myself you know?#I took a shower this morning and it exhausted me and Mom had to be in there to help me the whole time in case I lost my balance or smth#it's better than it was the first week but I still hate feeling like I've temporarily lost some of my independence#I can't wait to shower by myself again and for it not to drain me#which is such a small thing to want and miss but like#OKAY TAG RANT OVER THIS RECOVERY IS JUST DRAGGING#I'm getting old tbh that's what it is I'm 30 and don't bounce back like I used to ����😂😂😂
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I FINALLY GOT CHAPTER 2 UP
Here's chapter 1 if anyone missed that one
gawd it took me so long I'm so sorry! In my defense it's double the length of chapter 1. Here's a little preview
It started with a boom that rivaled thunder.
Lilith jumped awake in the dead of night, heart pounding. Around her, animals were chittering, panicked. There was an energy, a tension in the air. She couldn’t quite understand what it was or what was happening. She still could find no source of the noise that had awoken her.
Another boom rattled the air, followed by actual thunder. Both were accompanied by blinding light from the sky above. The ground beneath her shook, and the plants rattled their leaves.
Lilith stood and began to run. She could barely see what was going on through the canopy of the trees, but she was determined to figure out what was going on. Normally at night, she wouldn’t have been able to see anything. But with every crash, every shake, every boom, the sky lit up with different colors and illuminated her path.
When she finally reached a clearing, her suspicions were confirmed but her questions remained unanswered.
The sky above her was in turmoil. The clouds churned and danced around each other, trying to crush each other and melting into each other. They tugged and pulled, ripped and teared away at each other. Lights would flash from behind them with their deafening booms. It looked like the end of days.
The only experience Lilith had that was even remotely akin to this was light rain, but mostly only because it’d be cloudy with distant thunder. This-... This was something else completely.
Lilith watched transfixed. Hoping maybe at some point it would let up or fade. But it wouldn’t. At most there would be a longer stretch of seconds between the next flash of light than other times, but it never waned.
Soon, the battle of the sky stretched into the daytime, distorting the colors of the sunrise around it to a violent red before eventually giving way to day. The clouds remained dark, and heavy, sometimes even black at times.
Lilith had hoped that during the day it would make more sense, or be less frightening. Instead, what she saw was only worse.
“Lilith!” a voice called to her, and she turned. Eve was beckoning her, “Come on! I know you don’t like Adam much, but don’t be alone in this!”
Lilith glanced at the sky one last time before running over to Eve.
Eve was right. As annoying as Adam was, being alone with that chaos reigning above her would be worse. It seemed however, whatever it was that was happening, was also rattling Adam. For once, he took on a more protective role over the two women, trying to comfort them.
They spent the day together eating the fruits of Eden, and sitting together looking at the sky.
When the sun started to set, the sky was still rumbling and booming. The lights distorted the clouds into monstrous shapes before immediately destroying them and then creating more shapes.
“What in Eden’s name is going on??” Adam hissed under his breath. “Is this going to last all night too?”
It did.
None of them got much sleep.
It lasted all throughout the next day as well. And the next night, and the day after that.
It never rained, and the wind only minorly picked up, as if down below on Eden was completely separate to what was happening above. Lilith eventually grew weary of Adam once again and broke off to be by herself. Clearly, whatever was happening wasn’t about to hurt her.
Finally, after seven days and seven nights, when the dawn was breaking through the thickness of night, there was a sickening sound that started off as a crackle but devolved into a rattle as a single light flared in the sky and then jortled across it.
The sky went quiet as that single light began to fall, a smaller piece of it broke off and went on its own trail.
Lilith could only watch in morbid fascination as the streak of light fell, and when it hit the earth, the ground itself shook, rippling out in waves as if it had turned liquid.
Lilith grabbed onto a tree for stability as all the animals screeched around her.
Then it settled.
The ground no longer shook.
The sky was silent and still.
Looking up at it however, in the exact trace of the light, the edges of the clouds had been ripped apart, and the sunrise was making it glow an angry red. The air was uncomfortably chilly. It felt as if something had been irrevocably changed.
___________________
And here's the link again for the full thing
#hazbin hotel#Lucifer#lucifer morningstar#Lucilith#lilith morningstar#Eve#Adam#Fan fiction#ugh why did my brain decide that his fan fic neede behemoth chapters???#I'm so tired#imma do some stuff this week before continuing on the next one#good news is that the next one has already been started#as aforementioned in other posts#I work out of order#anyways#please enjoy chapter 2#it is 30k words#you guys have no idea how long it took me to upload#cuz of formatting issues#I had to redo a lot of formatting BY HAND in AO3#but that's not what took a while#no no#see I'm also an artist#and my hand has a quirky habit of#ctrl+z#whenever something happens that I didn't want#AO3 would freeze every time I did that#accidentally or intentionally#and I'd have to exit out of the tab and reupload the chapter#and also redo all the formatting I did previously from scratch
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When will the cruel mental illness be over...
#was feeling absolutely wretched last night after I showered so I decided to watch a Big Country concert from 1995#and not only was it ROUGH but I was also spoiled of some of BC's 'Why the Long Face?' songs and I was like#'oh no...this is what that album sounds like? so gratingly and unmistakeably '90s that they could've been by Alanis Morrisette#and I wouldn't have known the difference? ah. well...great. now I know how I'll feel about that album.' :| lol#(I actually do not intend shade toward Alanis btw. but surely anyone understands that by listening to even Jagged Little Pill it sounds#like there is no way those songs could've come from literally any other decade but the '90s. and that's what that BC album sounds like too#I'm betting. :/ which is disappointing tbh. although I liked ''I'm Not Ashamed''! but it too ended very '90s-ish and I was like 'dammit'...#well! now I know what order I'll listen to BC's last three albums in; saving WTLF for last...lol#also no watching the concert did not make me feel better and I didn't even finish it (but I was too tired to anyway)
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Quality interaction that just happened
I love having a quotebook in SP XD
#sepiasys.txt#There's definitely multiple of us here rn; totally. I'm really fuckin sleepy and I feel like soup and like#I felt really bad and left out and I couldn't explain why entirely because it didn't feel like mine? Like an intrusion really ig.#then I'd kinda snap out of it but mainly bc YouTube distraction is peak; and now it's just. idk. i feel like soup#If I'm aggro it's probably because B came in; said he loves us (/p); and then just left after the openly dejected response we gave#So you can imagine that was really damn unpleasant to experience? because that just. why??? I dont get why you're coming in here to say that#and then you just immediately leave like my response didn't matter being confirming I heard you??? Like what the fuck.#Anyways I'm pretty sure... most of us? were or at present??#I know ☕️ was. I feel like *I* would be 🪴; 👑 said that stupid shit after a whole daydream(?) about going out and being at a restaurant#(it was about we need to do that more; get used to ordering food; and we're allowed to be an obnoxious/mildly unpleasant customer. ykyk.)#(and then somehow it got to realizing oh yeah he wouldn't look like he does iw; he would look like the body; and that whole spiel above with#how the body looks as he talks to himself in front of a nonexistent mirror (we're in bed not the bathroom))#Btw I literally cannot tell if it's me arguing with myself or some other bitch doing it. I can't tell if I'm capable of that because like.#some of them are legitimate arguments. but idk if it's in the pro/con way or these two individuals are actually yelling at each other way :/#idk shit's fucked. Also *fuck* I can feel myself getting more awake/less tired. Dammit! I'm just gonna fuckin play YouTube videos again ffs#Yeah no multiple of us have to be present to some extent that's so fucking obvious
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how are you feeling today? did you make it through unscathed?
Yeah I definitely didn't 😭 I've been hella congested all day and I definitely have a cough, but it's more bc my throat is bugging me than anything. I don't think I technically have a fever, my temp's just slightly elevated from where it normally is. It's fucking miserable bc I can't breathe through my nose and the damn thing fucking hurts, and I'm kinda uncomfortable and a little achy, but other than that I'm mostly just tired and a little hazy and generally just don't feel great, so I'm not dying like my partner was lmao. But yeah, all this to say that I'm fucking pissed at him and I literally feel like a goddamn plague rat 😭😭
#not snz#i fucking hate it here#I've sneezed a few times but not much#mainly just coughing#super sniffly tho#also i did go hang out with him just so i could bitch at him lmao#also i feel fucking disgusting and i was sad being in my room#like i don't want anyone to perceive me#like i was almost never sick when i was younger and if i was no i wasn't unless it was bad#but times have changed 😔#so no more going out and doing things while being either maybe or definitely sick 😔#thank god honestly but i still don't want people to Know#like don't fucking look at me let me rot in my hole and die alone#but i didn't wanna be alone apparently like i was very sad about the thought for some reason smh#so yeah we literally just hung out in the car#lowered the seats and had blankets and pillows and shit so it was kinda chill#and he bought food from a couple different places bc it's his fucking fault and he's trying to buy my forgiveness lmao#various soups and mac and cheeses and the general concensus was that they'd probably be good if we could taste them better 😭#some of them tho the texture was just not it like even a great taste couldn't save them imo#also there's a boba place that makes hot teas also so we went there a few times#ordered in advance masks on obviously so we were only in there for like a minute just to grab everything#like we were being as careful as we could#also he's like mostly feeling better like his fever broke apparently#he still sounds fucking gross tho lmao like his voice is shot and he still has a pretty bad cough#and now I'm like fucking whatever we both have the same gross ass fucking disease so it's fine i guess#but i still kept glaring at him as a first reaction whenever he decided to be symptomatic lmao#but i wasn't pressing myself against the window trying to escape so progress lmaoooo#anyway it was a chill day i guess like we were just hanging and making sure the other person wasn't dying lmao#I'm at home now and took a hot ass shower and my eyes hurt and I'm tired so it's probably bedtime lmao
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everyday i wake up and have to start a new boss challenge called dealing with my mother
#not a single speck of consideration for whether or not i'm busy or tired or sleeping#she doesn't even TRY. the text is too small? ok i'll make it bigger. but wait now she's lazy to read. doesn't even want to try to understan#we had this whole thing yesterday where she was raising her voice at me bc she didn't get that#basically free shipping if products r over $500. our Total (incl. delivery) was $488 and she wanted to add on but i told her no... delivery#is $70. and she wasnt getting me so she was raising her voice like holy shittt not everything has to result in you yelling!!!!#you wake me up when i'm sleeping just to help you. you disturb me when i'm studying omggg girl please....#i remember her [ why does it say– what transaction? i didn't make any transaction ] the text was literally-#[ no current transaction history ] smth like that like MOTHER???????????? and i think she's been telling my sister i'm complaining abt it#should i die. 1 like i'll do it#power outage started so i'm going to stay in my room and nap until lunch fml#but i have to go out and help my mom with an app thing first bc ofc#she admits shes just not bothered to READ. when it comes to emails or ordering food or anything like ohvm mymgodog#and shes so short tempered fuckkk ?!?#AH. EDIT BC I REMEMBERED. when she got an email today.. her application was rejected#for smth smth. anyways it told her she could login to the website using her birth info. (e.g 1870....) and she was like#u typed something wrong bc why does it say 1870... LIKE MOTHER ITS AN EXAMPELREFKWKSABHAHHHHH#THE EXAMPLE DIDNT EVEN HAVE HER NAME?!?£#💭#cw rant#negative
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even duolingo has given up on me
#vicki's shit#like i have 0 motivation to do anyhting#but i have shit to do in order to get grades and go to a decent college and have a good jobs so i can leave here and support myself.#i barely have anytime for myself and my “friends”#and it sucks#because i HAVE to get these grades#i have so many people counting on me#i dont really remember the last time i didn't have like someone counting on me to do something#like why me?#and i cant let them down#its just all so much#i barley hav anytime just sit and rest#my mind will not stop worrying that because im not doing anything im a failure and i don't have enough time!#we all have limited time and im wasting it here???#and its all craxy here since i llive in the same region to palestine and all the news is bad and everyone is sad and i'm not blaming anyone#but my heart is always beating to much and i hate it#does that make sense?#i just feel like a failure because i get tired easy but i cant feel like that because the entire ficking world is conting on me#i dont remmeber the last time i could just breathe without someone breathing down my back#like give me a break!!!#i sound so ungrateful wtf#im sorry#vick's shit
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got a piece of glass stuck in my foot and my mother chose that moment to start yelling about how stupid and lazy i am like :) we're not taking customer feedback right now ma'am :) there is literally my blood on my hands can u please maybe wait :) and do this at another time :)
#for context the thing that broke was not even hers it was mine i ordered it for myself and she didn't tell me it arrived and just kept it in#her wardrobe#and then she asked me to fetch smthn from her messy asf wardrobe and she had kept it (made of glass) in the utmost corner of her very messy#and packed shelf#and obv one of the bottles in the shell was almost empty so when my hand brushed against it it fell and knocked down the glass bottle#bcz it was kept in the c o r n e r#but its ok it was an accident but still it was my accident so i just silently started clearing it up and she obv started yelling at me but#thats fine ive grown up in this household i know that when u do smthn accidentally its always bcz u are a dumb ho and when ur brown parents#do smthn accidentally then its fine bcz accidents happen and also that too is actually ur fault somehow bcz if u hadn't done xyz then 5 day#later this never wouldve happened#but wtv its fine wtv#and then i noticed the piece of glass sticking outta my foot and she watched me try to pull it out with my nails#and once i pulled it out it slipped from between my nails and fell onto the floor#and immediately she started yelling at me again saying i 'threw' it onto the floor on purpose like bitch I'm bleeding bcz of that thing why#would i risk bleeding again#and secondly i was literally picking up all the glass shards two seconds ago why would i throw this onto the floor on purpose when i litera#lly emptied the floor of glass two MINUTES AGO#and when i told her it just slipped and i didn't do it on purpose she's like dont argue with me i saw what happened like oh did u#im sure only u did its not like it was IN MY HAND I'm sure you had a better view than i did of what is in MY hand#this is such a stupid thing to rant about on tumblr but I'm just so tired#i literally had just woken up from a nap i was minding my own business trying yo make myself some coffee#this just irritated me so damn much like#if u really think im that much of a dumb lazy bitch then why did u ask me to do that thing for u in the first place ur literally sitting#in front of the wardrobe why didnt u just go and fetched that thing from ur wardrobe by yourself#ugh wtv this is ridiculous
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.
#i slept in two parts today#on both i dramed about some shit that got me mentaly fucking tired#i don't remeber the first one#it probably has something to do with harry and louis and running from someone things we couldn't really run from like physically#and second one was so fucking horrible#maybe not literally blod and guts but#it was stress of getting ready to school in the morning#like i couldn't just get my shit together#no clothes were fitting#i couldn't put them in right order#i had two bagpacks both heavy as fucking hell#and still i hadn't all things i needed there#and all that time my parent were yelling at me to do everything faster or they will drive away and leave me#and it was nightmare that pressure#coz i knew i won't make it by myself (too far away from everything)#and if i stay it would be hell later too#so i didn't actually wanted to go to school but had and it was nightmare#i'm so fucking happy to not have to live though all this shit anymore#i hate it so fucking much#it wasn't that intese like in that dream#but it was horrible for my mentaly anyway#why tf we have to live in the world where we have to do so much shit we don't want#i don't fucking cope good with that#anyway i'm rambling k bye
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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quarter finals are going to be delayed until tomorrow
#in fairness ive stayed up late the last two nights in order to do them#but I'm so tired right now I need to go to sleep#if I didn't it would be almost 1am before I could go to bed#this should hopfully be a 1 time occurence#ill do it first thing after I wake up#goodnight
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looking at the notes of that poll. god i wish that were me
#chirping#ughhhhhhhhhh#i tried going out w/o a bra and i just Could Not Do It#i need to start seriously looking into top surgery. like holy god that would fix my life#like even if i didn't have dysphoria my chest is still such a pain#my back hurts all the time i gotta get expensive bras and i have to order shirts one size bigger if it's made for men/unisex#AND i can basically only wear stretchy fabrics#it's such bullshit wth!!!!!#and don't even get me started on bindingggggggg#actually i'm really tired so. sparing y'all lmaooo#chest mention#dysphoria mention#ask to tag
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i love subconsciously doing things in my writing it’s so fun :)
#im only sorta beng sarcastic skhgskhfd#in this case it was just me realizing 'hey laurent has been calling him the prince a lot and i had been usng the akielon earlier'#and then i realized it was bc laurent was moved to an akielon camp so like. everyone around him is 'the akielon' which means#in order to differentiate that he means damen then his title would be the easiest way to do that#i didn't realize i did that until it hit me sdljfslhf#anyway he should start using damen's name soon i'm about to that scene#:)#tho likely when speaking to him he'll still use his honorific#and bc i have THOUGHTS about akielon's and their small names he'll also be calling him by his full name#:D#i have THOUGHTS and FEELINGS ok#anyway#it's soooo late and im soooo tired but i think im gonna try and hold out one more hour#i'll go to sleep at 4am#just to try and build back my schedule#i have until monday to get it fixed#on monday night i have work and i won't have a choice but to stay up all night :')))#ANYWAYS#shh ac#wip: laurent stabs damen
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