#I’ve learned something from this
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Habits
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//warning for anxiety and a bit of blood (there is comfort)
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#//vent comic#team fortress spy#sniperspy#team fortress sniper#tf2#bloody suit#knife party#team fortress 2#I hate my habits so much#so bloody suit makes it better^^#things I’ve learned from having such bad anxiety and how I try to cope#sorry I will try to render something real soon haha🙏#I like to think they both have an obsession with eachothers hands^^✨#tf2 fanart
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I’ll never forget when I was arguing with a person in favor of total prison abolition and I asked them “what about violent offenders?” And they said “Well, in a world where prisons have been abolished, we’ll have leveled the playing field and everyone will have their basic needs met, and crime won’t be as much of an issue.” And then I was like “okay. But…no. Because rich people also rape and murder, so it isn’t just a poor person thing. So what will we do about that?” And I don’t think they answered me after that. I’m ashamed to say I continued to think that the problem was that I simply didn’t understand prison abolitionists enough and that their point was right in front of me, and it would click once I finally let myself understand it. It took me a long time to realize that if something is going to make sense, it needs to make sense. If you want to turn theory into Praxis (I’m using that word right don’t correct me I’ll vomit) everyone needs to be on board, which mean it all needs to click and it needs to click fast and fucking clear. You need to turn a complex idea into something both digestible and flexible enough to be expanded upon. Every time I ask a prison abolitionist what they actually intend to do about violent crime, I get directed to a summer reading list and a BreadTuber. It’s like a sleight-of-hand trick. Where’s the answer to my question. There it is. No wait, there it is. It’s under this cup. No it isn’t. “There’s theory that can explain this better than I can.” As if most theory isn’t just a collection of essays meant to be absorbed and discussed by academics, not the average skeptic. “Read this book.” And the book won’t even answer the question. The book tells you to go ask someone else. “Oh, watch this so-and-so, she totally explains it better than me.” Why can’t you explain it at all? Why did you even bring it up if you were going to point me to someone else to give me the basics that you should probably already know? Maybe I’m just one of those crazy people who thinks that some people need to be kept away from the public for everyone’s good. Maybe that just makes me insane. Maybe not believing that pervasive systemic misogyny could be solved with a UBI and a prayer circle makes me a bad guy. But it’s not like women’s safety is a priority anyway. It’s not like there is an objective claim to be made that re-releasing violent offenders or simply not locking them up is deadly.
#I’m sorry#there are just people out here who need punishment and to be contained and rehabilitation will not work#like I’m one of the more insane people who thinks that you can rehabilitate anyone if they want to change and learn from their behavior#ANYONE#but there are people out here who do not and will not ever want it#and those people shouldn’t get a pass because you read incomplete abolitionist theory once#and now you think that a UBI would solve everything#that’s the thing about most abolitionists that I’ve noticed#once you press them on the hard shit#they go#well there are some good books on the subject#there are some other creators#okay#and what have those other books and creators said?#Tee Noir once started off a video telling people not to ask her to defend her defense of prison abolition#they should just ‘Google it’ she said (or something like that)#now I don’t watch Tee Noir#gothra#feminism#social justice#prison abolition#criminal justice#prison reform#tw vomit
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I want to read books I want to write more I want to play the piano I want to sing in key I want to delve into fashion history I want to travel I want to publish research papers and I want to become a surgeon and I’m supposed to do all that in this one wild and beautiful life
#Ummm#This is why taking time off before I go to med school is the right call for me there’s sm I want to do constantly but the time!!#This lowkey sucks tho bc ever since I was little I’ve had dreams of writing something profound and being published#Both in a scientific context and also just like in a writing anything profound concept#But ik writing is very high bar and Id have to dedicate time to it and be super serious if I wanna self teach and honestly#Every day Im more and more tempted to just get a lit masters but where is the time if I want to become a doctor!!#Maybe it’ll just be a far fetched dream that I work on on the side bc physicians who’re also authors exist#I j want to contribute something meaningful to this world but to do that ik I have to consume great art first and dissect it and learn from#It#And just like not listen to ppl’s opinions and do what I want but it’s hard when I’m on a timeline#It’s bc I understand none of these vocations are anything to sneeze at and I wanna take them seriously instead of being mediocre at them#Like I truly wanna LEARN but the time management skills are gonna have to go way up#Does anyone understand me or am I having an unnecessary meltdown
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ultimately!
#ELIIIIIIII YOU CANT SAY THAT ELIIIIIIIIIIII#audiof from not even emily latest video go watch literally its so fuckingfunny#dont even ask me how eli fits in hance' 5'2 dad's clothes pls ok#my art#digital art#oc art#anthro art#not even gonna lie i thfought i wasnt gonan finish this but we pulled thru#if quality gets murdered i will cry#swhy are all my favorite drawings baby sugar and eliyah interacting#i like themb#i was gonna add fucking comical cartoon slipping noises when her antler popped off but imovie literalsly. it didnt work it wpuldnt let me#vid too biggy#also noahs ark esque announcement for ppl thta read my evil ramble tags i miiight nuke sanguinary univers bc i love my ocs too much to like#like i dont wanna marry my first idea and i love them too much to box them into a project I PERSONALLY FEEL LIKE I FUMBLED LIKE#OK LITERALLY NO INSULT WHATSOEVER TO ANYONE WHO MIGHT LIKE IT BUT IT WAS my firsy ever comic and i feeeeel like i can do betteeerrr a#meowweooww#like if it was small things i wanted to change i could juts panel edit but its like. major things like when i started chapter 1 i had#LITERALLY NO PLAN JUST MY nerdy vampire obsession. which is still present. giggle h#breaking news boygirl learns that they arent rlly proudof the writing in comic thye started when they were a teenager#ALSO I LITERALLY HAVE LORE THAT IVE. BEEN MAKING THAT CONTRADICTS THINGS (? PROBABLY) SO ok trust me ok just trust m#also yes this is what i’ve been working on except that animatsuon i mentioned with eli crying because priorities or someth#not except wtf i mean insyead or some other shit#also i just looked at this wall of text on mobile and like ew shut up little gay
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It’s not over till it’s fucking over. And it’s not over yet.
#us politics#election 2024#if I’ve learned something from competitive tetris it’s that you never know when there’s still a real chance#so it’s not over yet.
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Redraw of these two because Jackienat needs more art and I def didn’t make this to procrastinate the fic I should be writing about them
#SUPER proud of how Nat turned out#I feel like I could work on Jackie’s skin/hair tones for FOREVER#like she has these tan tones but also seems super pale in some shots and#it’s got me fucked up#also her hair style is not something I’ve tried to draw before but#I learned a lot from this drawing! so that’s good#I might rework her hair entirely at some point#we’ll see#jackienat#Yellowjackets#Jackie Taylor#Natalie Scatorccio#I just think they’re neat#one day this slow burn teammates to friends to lovers fic will be written#Nat Scatorccio#ella purnell#sophie thatcher#sophie bathsheba thatcher
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i think a big thing people get wrong w leafpool’s character is thinking her passivity comes from like fear or insecurity or being shy or something when really it comes from like. defeat. she’s been burned so many times so now she just accepts it there’s no point in fighting back
#learned helplessness#in tnp she’s very much like a rulebreaker and kind of a little shit lol#she likes going out on her own and making friends with cats from other clans and getting involved in things cuz she’s bored#she’s rebellious and craves having deep connections with others which is why being a medicine cat starts to weight on her and makes her#impulsively decide to run away with crow#esp because she’s also watching her best friend sorreltail grow up and move on. and she’s watching her sister grow up and move on#AND SHE FEELS STUCK SHES LIKE OH. BUT THIS IS IT FOR ME ISNT IT?#so she just reacts she needs to get away!! and then everything comes crashing down and she spends the rest of her life getting punished for#that choice#which slowly crushes her fire and teaches her that her desire for something ‘more’ was never going to work out#and she’s too tired to keep fighting so she accepts that#but she’s miserable about it and this misery makes her even more exhausted#so then she just kinda ends up numb#there’s no point!#SHES SO INTERESTING TO ME AAAAAUUUUGHHHHHHH it’s been so long since i’ve rambled about leafpool….. my girl……
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I’m doing a project on Gulper Eels (aka Pelican Eels, Pelican Gulpers, or Umbrella-mouth Gulpers)
And- these fuckers don’t even look REAL-
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A lot of deep sea critters, you see them and you understand Lovecraft’s fear of the ocean
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But some of these guys-
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LOOK AT HIM! HES SO STUPID LOOKING!
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THIS IS MY IDIOT SON WHO I HATE HIS NAME IS BONGWATER AND HE HAS EVERY DISEASE!!!!!!!
#I WANT TO KICK HIM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS#LOOK AT HIM#SIR#WHERE ARE YOUR ORGANS??????#blorbo from my ocean right here#he looks like he belongs on the MUPPETS not the OCEAN#HE SHOULD BE AT THE CLUB#REVERSE ROUDOLPH OVER HERE WITH A LIGHT ON HIS TAIL#okay- I need to finish this project tho#marine biology#pelican eel#gulper eel#stupid fucking fish#deep sea#these are all photos I’m including in the project btw#she said ‘be creative’ and I took that as ‘insult the fucking fish’#so I’ve got an entire slide just calling him an ugly stupid idiot eel#not really but kinda#you see how he looks like we shouldn’t have done that?#you see how he’s gods least favorite creature?#he looks like a cat toy#if I learn he’s endangered I will sob#PROTECT MY STUPID IDIOT BOY#JUSTIVE FOR UGLY FISHY FUCKS!#robin rambles#finally something not about bsd#what else to tag…#deep sea fish#what zone is he in?#mesopelagic zone
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I fucking hate being employed this shit fucking sucks I wanna go home
#just had a meeting with my boss#I thought I was doing pretty good because I’m trying my best but she laid out my sins in front of me and told me to lock the fuck in#girl I AM locked in what do you want from me#I work two days a week sorry I’m not a fucking master at this#pretty much all I’ve learned is that I’m far too anxious for this job#the incident she laid out were either human error (which is fair) something due to my anxiety or something straight up did not happen?#like I had no recollection of some of the things she noted I swear to god I am being honest#and I can’t take even the lightest criticism so this was a nightmare for me#she said ‘I’m not in trouble’ but fuck it sure feels like it!#she made me feel like a burden and a failure which y’know… isn’t ideal#honestly all I can say is that I’m trying my best#I don’t love this job but I like the people here and also the job market is in shambles so it’s this or nothing#anyways I was holding back tears but I’m fine now#we are in hell
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Specifically thinking about long distance relationships today.
So tell me how you and your f/o would first meet online?
#I feel like Bakugou and I would meet in one of those online games he’s downloaded to mindlessly waste time between shifts#and he’s so foul at first because he thinks I’m weak but we play and he realises that I’m#actually whooping everyone and he’s like well damn okay#and now he’s messaging in the alliance chat and like getting excited when I’m online even tho he tries to hide it#and gets annoyed when other creeps in his alliance try to flirt with me#and then he’s asking for my discord#me and Sanemi get into a fight on discord the first time we interact#in some stupid big server I only joined for the emojis#but he’s a jerk so I tell him to shut up and a message later I find a msg notification and it’s him trying to continue the conversation😭#enjin slides into my dms on Instagram#he finds my post at a concert and hates the fuckboys that are commenting below#ends up messaging me to see if I’m okay but then immediately worries he’s one of those guys#Tamsy I feel like is that mutual I’ve had forever on twt and we like each others posts but we’ve NEVER talked to each other??#it’s not until I’m feeling sad at 2am and I post something self-deprecating that he drops me a msg🥺#and we end up staying up until 5am just talking to each other#Kirishima is ALWAYS the guy that responds to my ‘morning’ with a morning back! every day without fail#and I slide into his DMs one day and ask how he’s ALWAYS awake when I am??? like to say it back so quick#and he admits he’s kinda learned my schedule and he tries to be online for it because it’s one of the best parts of his day#and he likes saying it back😭😭😭 even if he’s off from a night shift and needs sleep he can’t without seeing me msg#Shindou blatantly flirts with me in a gaming discord and I think he’s an incel so I block him#he gets a friend to ping me to beg me to unblock him and I refuse#the friend then sends another message with a screenshot of Shindou basically begging me to unblock him😭#Dot and I meet in one of those AITA Reddit threads#and we end up borderline arguing over whether op is TA#so much that we get told to take it elsewhere😭😭😭#enjo#bakujo#eijo#but also catch me sending Dynamight sassy banter on his official socials😭😂
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i think we gotta be more careful about falling into the trap of placing heaps of blame on the most vulnerable groups around us because it’s easier, emotionally or otherwise, than going after those in power. like i mostly talk about transandrophobia right now and how transmascs get so much shit thrown at us because were easier to attack than cis people, and i’ve seen people do the same thing to transfems and NBs too. to me it’s extra disappointing when it’s someone who is vocally supportive of transmascs doing it (like generalizing all transfems as being hostile to transmascs/being transandrophobic). it’s of course important to talk about inter community issues and point out harmful behaviors and ideologies when we see them, and talk about how someone’s life experience might lead them to be that way, but singling out one type of trans person as The Culprit is not helpful and just feels like it further drives a wedge into our community. we may be able to perpetuate aspects of the transphobic systems cis people put in place, but none of us are responsible for them and we don’t benefit from them, past surface level “acceptance” from people who’d be more comfortable if one type of trans person or all of us didn’t exist at all
#it honestly is really hard to call out harmful behaviors a trans person might exhibit because transphobia is so rampant rn#on one side you’ve got people who will demonize a trans person for existing and on the other there’s people who refuse to believe-#-trans people can do any wrong#i think the former is Much worse but they’re both still bad#it kinda makes sense that ppl resort to black n white thinking cause it feels like there’s no middle ground#but like. it doesn’t have to be that way. we can defend ourselves while acknowledging our ability to do wrong#we’re human not perfect machines and i think being able to make and learn from mistakes without being completely socially ostracized#should be a part of trans liberation#transandrophobia#transmisogyny#transphobia#oh also i’m trying to think more carefully about saying ‘x kind of trans person experiences y’#or ‘trans people ESPECIALLY x kind of trans people experience y’#because i’ve noticed people will assume things that happen to transfems never hppen to transmascs#and i don’t want to perpetuate that kind of thinking regardless of what trans group i’m talking about#tbh i think there’s VERY FEW circumstances where you can confidently say a certain kind of person never experiences something
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No one tells you how hard it is to stay in character when writing sometimes. These two…they’ve got me like this 🤏
But it’s okay. I’m hungry for more Emilute content so I have to pick up the pen and do it myself even if it’ll be majority angst with sprinkles of fluff.
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Writing my Redemption!Lute Au has been on my to-do list since the episode Welcome to Heaven so I’m praying I can finally make this happen and I hope that I don’t succumb to the perfectionist inside of me because I do think having Lute redeem herself is an interesting angle that I doubt the canon would ever follow.
Also it’s an excuse to make a slow burn Emilute fic and I’d eat dirt for any Emilute content.
#no but I do have a serious vision for these two and I need to realize it I’ve never yearned to create something more#like imagining Lute returning to Heaven and whilst given a few days to recuperate is put on trial for her crimes since we’ve now learned#that sinners can be redeemed and the realization from Sera that they’ve been killing people who always had a chance to be saved#that plus her breaking the contract of not killing hellborns so yk that too#and Emily is a part of this and inspired by what Charlie has done jumps in to not necessarily defend Lute but provide an alternative#solution that doesn’t involve sending her down to Hell which she believes wouldn’t help anyone#I dunno I’m rambling lol#hazbin hotel#emily hazbin hotel#lute hazbin hotel#Emilute#˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*Crystal Talks
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Idk why everyone thinks Crosshair was the chaotic misbehaving brother as a cadet. Mr. “Good soldiers follow orders” even without the chip? Mr. “Loyal to the Empire” even after they destroyed all Kaminoan cities and facilities and didn’t care enough to come back and see if there were any survivors? Mr. “Not immediately swayed by emotional convictions” even when they belong to those closest to him who he should trust above unseen authorities?
Even if you think obedience and compliance was hammered into him by those in charge and he had to learn to keep his head down or face the consequences, that doesn’t explain why it takes him so long to eventually accept the truth, despite the mounting empirical evidence he receives after the most dire possible circumstances that should show him that those in charge are wrong. It isn’t until Mayday’s death that Crosshair finally accepts the truth because it’s then that he’s being directly told by the people in charge that he and everyone like him is expendable and unnecessary.
Somebody with a rebellious youth is much more critical of authority figures even if they’re presently obeying them, and they’re much more ready to drop said authorities the second it’s a viable option and they physically can. Crosshair doesn’t behave like a dog that’s been beaten its whole life, he’s constantly making active decisions not only to follow the Empire but to enforce what the Empire dictates, even when he’s the one reaping the direct consequences of pushback on the ground for it. Because that’s what good soldiers do.
This guy was the kid following the rules by choice and getting mad at the others for finding loopholes or accomplishing things the ‘wrong’ way, especially if and when it got all of them in trouble (because they were kids and wouldn’t have always been right). Rules and structure are there for a reason. We’ve been here less than ten years, what on earth makes you think we know more than the people in charge? Why do I have to be punished because you guys couldn’t do as you were told?
To me the four of them (and Echo later) are a sliding scale when it comes to decision-making based on head vs heart. Crosshair and Tech are on one side, using logic and reason over emotion as their basis for decision-making and how they see the world, and Echo and Wrecker are more on the heart/instinct side of reasoning, putting people and ideals ahead of simply accomplishing objectives despite what the odds might be against them. Hunter’s the balance in the middle, being able to see both sides and weigh what the best option is based on the evidence and the context within which it’s being given. All of them have different fluctuating percentages of what’s going to motivate or drive them day by day, just based on the context of their circumstances, but that’s the general scale.
I think Hunter as a kid probably realized if he could get all of them to learn the rules as quickly as they could, then they’d know how to break them effectively with the least amount of repercussions and collateral damage. They were an experimental group for a reason and were likely given a modicum of wiggle room when it came to problem-solving, the Kaminoans not just allowing but pushing them to be more creative, flexible, and adaptable. They all know the hard rules of structure, chain of command, and behavioral compliance, but after that they’re given more freedom of choice. Their personal convictions inform both the why and how of following orders.
Wrecker is easier to figure out because he wears every thought and emotion on his sleeve and sees no reason not to. He’s more of a follower— Thinking is for other people, he’s a busy guy and man of action, give him something concrete with actionable directions and he’ll accomplish it with aplomb.
Tech, as a kid, likely knew both the spirit and letter of the law, which means he could see problems and solutions objectively regardless of his personal feelings/opinions and knew that rules are there to be guidelines: No structure is perfect and always following rules exactly was never going to always be the right decision. He would choose whichever seemed like the most logical, obvious route to success, finding loopholes and workarounds where he could as a means of balancing the consequences or fallout of said decision.
Hunter also knew both the spirit and letter of the law, but he was able to read situations and people better than Tech was, relying more on his gut instinct to tell him what the best course of action would be, even if that choice wasn’t the most logical. He’s a mediator and the best choice of leader because of his ability to get people working together by knowing how to convince each of them in their own way that this plan will accomplish their objective AND lead to the most amount of people being satisfied/happy in the end, them included. Despite the fact Hunter’s more reserved, he’s still a people person. It just happens to come from empathy, observation, and instinct, the latter two being qualities he was designed to specialize in.
Crosshair obeyed the letter of the law because structure exists for a reason and if that structure has yielded the best results and most success for the longest amount of time, then it’s obvious it must be the right one in place. Loopholes can be taken advantage of, but only when there isn’t an explicit wording against it or there is clear and mounting evidence that the rule doesn’t apply to him. To deviate from the majority in matters of how something is achieved is acceptable; to do so in matters of why is not.
#The Bad Batch#character analysis#Crosshair#Sergeant Hunter#Tech#Wrecker#Source: I WAS the kid who both pushed boundaries and tested the rules#But would follow them when they were the obvious right choice and/or I was given clear evidence for the reason the rule was there#But was ALSO the one getting into trouble for whatever arbitrary reason the authority figures in charge decided that day#because THEY weren’t in control of their emotions and were acting illogically and there was nothing I could do about it#Life is wonderful and complex#<- she says dryly#I’ve seen every side of things. trust me.#Omega in the beginning is almost pure heart but that’s because she’s a kid and lacks the life experience and teaching that will help inform#her developing sense of logic#But it’s why it’s good she has that exact range of people to learn from#Sidebar but I think this is all probably why Crosshair and Tech probably excelled at/enjoyed math#Math is a reliable constant#(Tho considering this is a galaxy far far away. I bet there were times that it wasn’t because space and ~the force~ are weird lol)#long post#Idk why but when I do character analysis I almost always start with asking ‘‘What were these people like as kids?’’ first#Which I think is why I like writing for characters who are siblings#Gives me something to go off of#Other family members are helpful depending on how relevant/canonical they are to the story but I can write for siblings with my eyes closed#hounds speaks
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Something was bothering me about my Torbek art, but I couldn’t put my finger on it for the longest time, until now, where I realized I had forgotten to do the fucking lighting I wanted to do. So I did it. It looks infinitely better now (art below)
OG for comparison
Dark layer (helps make eyes and canisters pop out) 10% opacity, canister glow 20% opacity
Dark layer 30% opacity, canister glow 20% opacity
Dark layer 50% opacity, canister glow 30% opacity
I actually really like the last version. It kinda gives me the vibe of if you were to walk into a dark room in the middle of the night, and all you can see is the glow of Torbek’s eyes and the Witchlight in his canisters.
Also, it’s subtle, but if you look closely, you’ll see the pink light on his coat as well. It’s easiest to see on the last one, because of the higher opacity. :)
#also I do the dark layer thing for most of my art#especially if I want the eyes or something in particular to give the illusion of glowing#or if I want them to otherwise pop out#I don’t remember where I learned that technique from#but I’ve been doing it for years now lmao#legends of avantris#once upon a witchlight#ouaw#torbek#my art#torbek fanart
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2014 - realized I liked girls but began desperately trying to “pray the gay away”
2016 - stopped believing in Christianity as I began to better accept my sexuality
2020 - publicly came out as bisexual, and shortly after my gender crisis began
2021 - nonbinary ? we’ll run with it, I’m experimenting! I’m playing with it! I’ve been in college for a year so now I have the room to try some things out!
2023 - my first pride parade! and the gender crisis continues on…. I would really love more masculine features… a deeper voice is my dream… I see men with flat chests and I get so envious. maybe I’m trans?
2024 - FINALLY allowing myself to use multiple labels that feel right! nonbinary, transmasc, genderfluid, genderqueer, they all feel like ME! planning on starting HRT after I get married and get onto my fiancé’s health insurance. plan on getting married in a wedding dress because THAT’S WHAT I WANT! because gender is not a strict binary and I am allowed to play with it however I want! my gender is not for the pleasure or comfort of anyone else! I got to experience my SECOND pride finally feeling content with myself and my identity! I’m happy! I’m so happy :)
#the journey of finding yourself is a long process and honestly it never ends#I’ve been in the journey of self discovery for a decade now and I’m still learning something new about myself every day#but I finally feel like I know myself#I have a good community of understanding people#and you know what? tumblr really helped!#make fun of this hellsite all you want but the people on here are so helpful#getting reminders from a wide community of people that you don’t need to fit into strict labels#or you can use multiple labels!#or none at all!#just do whatever feels right to YOU#there is no wrong way to be queer!#I love you tumblr queers#even when I had my first blog in 2014 when I was 12 it felt nice to have a space that made me feel like I was gonna be okay#thank you tumblr queers#trans#lgbtq#ftm#trans man#transgender#transgender man#transmasc#trans pride#donnieisaprettyboy#ftm problems#genderfluid#genderqueer#nonbinary
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lieutenant, i fear i love too hard. it all hurts. what should i do?
Love can be a… complicated thing, citizen, so while I’m not a “love guru”, I will do my best. It’s not something you can jump into easily without consequences, and that’s apparent tenfold when it comes to falling out of it. Loving too hard especially is something that many people experience, and it’s just the same as all things about love, you need to find someone who will love you just as hard, otherwise there will always be that feeling that, even if they do truly love you, that there are not “putting as much effort it” when in reality it is just them having a different way of loving than you. I know it might hurt right now, but the pain is temporary, like all pains are; one day you’ll stop hurting, and I hope that day comes when you find someone that can make you feel like you’re loving just the right amount. I hope you feel better soon, citizen.
#(OOC - I am asexual and I’ve learned from talking to many people throughout the years that it’s something that you need to think about#no matter how hard it is#and truly evaluate how you feel. Will you feel this way forever? Will you still love them a year from now? You have to use your head#despite how loud your heart may be#and do your best to remember that if you’re looking for someone eventually you will find the right person. Kim Kitsuragi is here for you#until that day comes. You can do this.)#kim kitsuragi#disco elysium
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