#I’m tired of being so insecure
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If I could spend all the energy my mind burns going between “I’m a capable professional and I should be proud of myself” and “I’m garbage why do I even try” in anything else I would get so much done
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I’m hoping (I’m praying) that once the insecurities society has created for people—mainly women— becomes too much, the world will kind of reset and we’ll realize this is ridiculous and stop caring so much about appearance.
#like I hope the day will come that we all realize this is silly and it’s all bullshit and we just stop caring#and certain people need to stop influencing these insecurities because we just gained like 20 more in a span of 3 weeks#while I don’t think insecurities should even be a thing#they were more normal ones at first#but now it’s this ridiculously high standard that no one fucking fits#and the worst part is that if you don’t fit it you’re not even treated with basic human decency#if you’re not physically attractive people treat you like this object with no value#and it sucks#appearance should not matter this much#anyways#I had the urge to make this post bc I am so done with being told about some flaw somebody made up#maybe if we get lucky we can get men to stop ranking and rating girls based on how they look#body positive#I hope this reaches someone#insecurities#social media was our downfall#mysoginy#beauty standards#pretty privilege should not be a thing but it unfortunately s#pretty privilege#pjo#kotlc#fandoms#girlhood#but the downside of it#I should not be scared to eat and I’m tired of being so scared of gaining weight
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trying to be kind to my brain but it’s really really hard bc i hate it. soooo much at the moment
#it’s actually ruining my life um i had a really nice evening#and now i am unable to stop crying i’m just so fucking tired of feeling like this#and of being so insecure and anxious and making everything into a massive deal and just#being altogether way too much. like i don’t know what to do i figured out all this anxiety and ocd stuff on#youtube when i was fifteen and i’ve never really properly talked to anyone about it (esp the ocd) i’m just#hahaha so tired of it ruining my relationships and my mood and my life in general just ughh idk sorry guys love you all xx#i’m scared of it driving people away i’m so scared of annoying people and then just losing them. ughh anyway feeling stupid tonight#sorry about making this post i just sometimes like. need somewhere i can talk about this. i’m sorry love you guys <3333
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god i cannot wait to be off these steroids…
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- it’s late n i’m kinda pent up abt this#i’m so TIRED of themmmm#i’m probs gonna be on them for the rest of the year. which SUCKSSS#i don’t like how many ppl comment on the moon face#i don’t mind it. like i look in a mirror and i’m okay.#it’s a little weird. but like. just because it’s different. like getting used to a new haircut#but every time i see someone for the first time in a bit it’s ‘woah your face got rounder’#and i have to go ‘oh yeah it’s water retention- steroids thing it’ll go away when i’m able to go off ‘em’#and they go ‘oh alright :) you still look good btw don’t worry’#and i just. i HATE how people talk about it!! like jfc. it’s so clear that they think it’s like kinda sad#my dad said he thinks it’s cute and he’s the only one i actually think is telling the truth there#my mom and i agree that it doesn’t matter. but even then she tries to tell me not to panic#like a little extra squish in my face is something to panic over#it’s so clear that so many people see it as another thing to pity#oh poor thing. has that chronic illness for the rest of her life. and the steroids made her jaw look rounder :(#like jfc i knew fatphobia was prevalent but come the fuck on. literally i’m like barely retaining water for steroids too#like. i’m still very much skinny (i JUST finished being malnourished ffs) but bc i’m retaining water in my face#now ppl feel the need to comfort me. over this tiny cosmetic thing that does not matter#like. i wouldn’t feel weird abt it if it weren’t for everyone else making it such a THING. why is everyone so weird about it#i’m not insecure about it but when ppl try to comfort me or go ‘it’s not that bad’ it makes me feel like i’m SUPPOSED to be insecure abt it#and it drives me NUTS. bc there are things about being on steroids that i would love to be comforted about#but the water retention is not one of them. i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the water retention#y’know what i’d like to be comforted over? the mood swings. the irritability. the insomnia. the appetite fluctuation#the slow healing of skin. thinning and dryness in the skin. having to take like 3 other medications alongside the steroid#bc taking the steroid causes side effects that need to be medically treated or prevented#even outside of the steroid! i’d like some comfort about having to build back my stamina from scratch#i’d like some comfort about having the worst balance i’ve had in years#there’s. more to this. but i’m out of tags. maybe i’ll make some replies idk. i’m just. UGH
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#can’t sleep and i’m having a rly hard time eating and i’m just so fucking busy#and i was like i’m not even rly stressed out why am i having such a hard time rn— oh i’m not feeling secure.#hil.txt#and it’s not like. normal ‘oh i’m worried about how i’m going to dress and be perceived’ it’s like ‘my partner in this mission is going#rogue and i’m being left alone to make sure the ship stays on course and i’m tired’ kind of insecurity#BC IM NOT ACTUALLY STRESSED AT ALL ABOUT THE NEXT MONTH BUT DAD KEEPS PULLING SHIT ON ME AND IM FEELING ALOOOONE WITHOUT BEING ALOOOONE#anyway. zayne from love and deepspace will save me. trust.
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Being used and lied to and projected on and gaslit and discarded and betrayed by someone who had spent two years supposedly caring about my trauma around that is really one of the most cruel jokes the universe had to play I guess huh
#what is it with being friendship pursued by people who turn out to be incapable of communication and resolving conflict#I mean frankly they just have abusive tendencies and won’t ever face them but I’m tired of being easy to want things from#but for that want to arbitrarily go away and it being so easy to replace it with manufactured blame#to not have to deal with guilt or insecurity#and then the cycle just runs bc it’s so easy to keep blaming someone when you can characterize not wanting te be mistreated as Wrong#.
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😔 unrelated but related my sister (same as the last post) said I was bossy
#🥺 she specifically said to me that i was just going to be bossy again like i always am#my mom then also proceeded to say my sister told her I was being bossy and she lowkey agreed 😭#she swears it wasn’t in a bad way but that i even nods her around#and yesterday?? my mom 😭 commented on my clothes and yes I know I didn’t look too nice I was sweaty and tired#but i don’t have pretty clothes or style as sister once pointed out so like 🥹 just let me be#i thought I was cute and now I’m a lil insecure about them#😔 okay that’s enough it was just stuff that bothered me#actually this is completely unrelated but i always wanna participate in those#‘show me your oc and I’ll draw it for this themed thing’ posts my friends do#but 😭 i don’t wanna inconvenience them so I never participate#it makes me a little sad that my life is an inconvenience to others in my head#okay That’s it hope you’re well if you read all that
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cute aggression but it’s like ‘I’m so deeply annoyed about how attractive I find this and I need to bite something about it’
#ashamed to say I have made annoyed noises close to growls :/#oh…wait WAIT#I’ll find someone hot and immediately want to be as annoying as I can … I think I just wanna annoy them back?#but also thrive on being annoying in general#but that’s like well it’s the same reason I’m a people pleaser just two conflicting sides of the same insecure coin#like blah blah what if people will get tired of me and leave so I both resort to making myself so agreeable and giving to not annoy them#and always tease and prod to see if they’ll stay how fun#I’m deeply sleep deprived again and that means over sharing extra in the tags hour apparently#dels endless rambles
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Holy fuck, all of your takes about homosexuality are DOGSHIT today, kiddos. Has “queer” in-fighting fully circled back around to become pure homophobia? It’s more likely than you think!
#i just saw a post that said ‘it’s understandable and justified to distrust normie cis gays and lesbians’#to be fair I think they’re probably referring to right-wing gays but the post didn’t actually say that and I think there’s a reason why#because these fuckin dipshits actually think that homosexuality is some kind of regressive/ non-radical ‘identity’#they think that individual identity is where the sex & gender revolution takes place#that’s why they prioritize micro-labels and ‘queer’ identities so much#because most of them aren’t gay and don’t have gay sex or same-sex attraction#they just want to be the most radical person in the room#so they pretend like their personal nuances of gender are purely individual and rare and not a basic fact of human experience#and they’re insecure about being ‘less valid’ than people who are recognizably gay#so they make up ultra-radical sub-categories that are Way More Queer than HOMOSEXUALITY#i see it all the time here. and irl with younger people. its fucking absurd#gayness has been a sexuality way longer than it’s ever been a community or trend#gay sex is as old as human sexuality itself. pithy identity politics are a construct of a media culture that centers individual branding#I’m fuckin sick and tired of existing in a brand culture— especially as it pretends to be radical and revolutionary#stop fucking agonizing over whether or not you’re valid and try having some GAY SEX for once in your lives#jesus fucking christ
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Why is it that every god damned time I start to feel okay, I get Spartan kicked back down into my pit of depression?
Leave me alone…
#insecure#my bad#sorry#i don’t want help#i want to end it#it’s not about walking away from you#it’s about being so tired#i’m exhausted#i don’t have any strength left#i can hardly get out of bed#i just wanted reassurance#i guess i don’t deserve it#i’m too sensitive#i told you so
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things effect me alot
#i’m feeling a lot :( hurts to lay on the leg i did my shot#i feel very fragile and upset#i’m nervous to go see my dad. i love him a lot and it’s his birthday#and i haven’t been up in so long#but i’m scared he’s gunna act like he does sometimes#it’s like heartbreaking to me. it hurts so bad sometimes#it’s hard to explain. he’s just invalidating of my feelings#but in little ways. ways that make me feel crazy and sensitive#but like i am sensitive. and ge knows that#it just sucks. i wish people took time to really understand me and listen to me#especially like my own dad lol#and he would say he does because he does care about me and love me#and care about how i’m doing#there’s just some things that i feel strongly about and certain things that just upset me a lot#and he just doesn’t know how to not be a dick about it#and i feel insecure because no one rlly sees it like i do#god anyways i’m like getting tired#ik it’ll be fine. omg there are gunna be ppl there too it’s like a party#i hate that. i hate being around everyone#fuck anyways. ok. i gotta sleep
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currently failing to cope with the fact that none of my friends feel like My Friend
#whimsy whispers#mainly due to the fact that the longest friendship I’ve had is falling apart and there’s nothing I can do about it and it’s made me even#more aware of the fact that I’m no one’s friend#and then my response is to be overbearing and shove my insecurities down people’s throats and in the process make them less likely to want#to remain friends with me#I’m very good at making me tired of me and pushing people away it’s a gift of mine#it just sucks so much and it feels so lonely and bad all the time#I just want to be someone who’s happy and loved and feels wanted but I just don’t think that’s going to ever happen especially given that#my best friend doesn’t seem like they want me in their life anymore and I just don’t know what to do idk if there’s anything I can do#I wonder if that’s my fault as well like all my other failing friendships have been my fault so this one must be too right?#I’m just so tired and I told myself that lowering ky expectations when it comes to happiness mt my future and relationships would be better#than being hopeful and getting hurt but it still hurts#it’s jsut that if I don’t have expectations I can be upset alone without making it anyone else’s problem whereas if I have hope and then get#hurt I always make it other peoples problems which only makes things worse#I don’t feel like I’m ever going to actually be happy and as long as I’m like this no one is going to want me or love me and I don’t blame#them I’m irritating and annoying when I’m like this but I’m always like this and like who would want someone like that in their lives#I’m so deeply insecure and fuckijg awful and I just hate myself so much#happy March I was suppose to be working on doing better while taking a break from things but despite that I’m doing worse#how do I expect people to want me when I’m like this? I’m so stupid#it’s just gonna be like this until I finally die#also note that people not feeling like my friend isn’t their fault#it’s not other peoples fault that I’m like this and I don’t want people to feel like they’re at fault for something they didn’t do
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[pokes cheek.]
“…do I look 30 yet??”
#tiger’s musings#…’cause…y’know… I’ll never submit to being obsessed with youth. I REFUSE.#(I’ll prolly let my hair just grey naturally from the start. then dye it all the wacky colors I can’t without stripping it)#but also… kiiiiinda tired of teen boys and their mothers thinking I’m ‘girlfriend material’#and anyone Actually Decent staying far…far away. because I look at least a decade younger than them (even when I’m…their age. maybe older)#my only Age Related Insecurity is ‘nearly 30 no degree living at home’#buuuuut…I can also officially blame chronic health issues that are fiiiinally getting treated to managed#and well. apparently No Degree and/or Still Living With Parents is. pretty standard for my gen#(and hey. I am gonna finally finish an associates in about a year)#so…yeah. done with the shame#(buuut would also like to physically be recognized as my age…)#I keep getting told I’ll ‘appreciate it when I’m older’ but like#that ain’t the compliment they think it is#it’s Play Stupid Games Get Stupid Prizes
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#once again i’m overthinking shit#and i feel so mentally tired#ugh i hate this shit#also i have been so insecure about my writing lately#especially about me writing the whole mob jake series#i’m starting to think that my writing isn’t good enough#honestly i have so much shit going on right now#speaking of writing#one minute i wanna quit so i’m at the point where i’m so mentally tired where i don’t want to do it anymore#but then one minute i don’t want to#but now it feels like it’s more of a job than a hobby#honestly with me doing all of this ranting#i should get some professional help#but yet i can’t and it fucking sucks#okay i’ll stop now#being sad on the main
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[ID: an illustration of a young goat with black line work and colored in with red colored pencils or maybe crayons. The coloration is uneven, and there are solid red spots on the goats’ knees, as well as its horns and the tips of its ears and nose. The inside of its ears are pink and its one visible eye is yellow. There’s a speech bubble above it that says in all caps, “I can’t help but feel like everyone around me understands something about being a person that I don’t. I don’t understand it at all.”]
#yeah#art#comic#I hope my image description is ok I’m still really insecure about describing art lol#described#image description by me#I don’t know why I feel this way. sometimes I wonder if I’m a system or something but I don’t really feel like a system#I just struggle with my identity#being a person is hard#i’m so tired#mental health#mental illness
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so excited to hit the beach this summer and sit in the shade reading a book the whole time
#thoughts#i sunburn way too easily#but i WILL look cute i got a new swimsuit last summer and it’s adorable#like every other insecure person on earth i’m trying to eat better and work out so i can look gorgeously fit for the beach. but i work#in a cafe with fresh baked pastries every day so like. i can’t be a diet queen LOL too tasty. even tastier than being thin#working out has been really great tho i feel more energized#only downside is my body is pretty tense and unathletic so after a hard workout i’m tired for a few days
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