#but yet i can’t and it fucking sucks
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#once again i’m overthinking shit#and i feel so mentally tired#ugh i hate this shit#also i have been so insecure about my writing lately#especially about me writing the whole mob jake series#i’m starting to think that my writing isn’t good enough#honestly i have so much shit going on right now#speaking of writing#one minute i wanna quit so i’m at the point where i’m so mentally tired where i don’t want to do it anymore#but then one minute i don’t want to#but now it feels like it’s more of a job than a hobby#honestly with me doing all of this ranting#i should get some professional help#but yet i can’t and it fucking sucks#okay i’ll stop now#being sad on the main
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It snowed today
also my blog turned 10 this month and i usually draw these two to celebrate
#loz#wind waker#legend of zelda#toon link#aryll#drew this faster than normal. by that i mean it didn’t take me 8 hours for once WHOO#I had to shovel snow earlier. it wasn’t bad. snow wasn’t frozen yet thank god#i shoveled on monday when it was ice and it fucking sucked#also the semester just started and I already can’t get my programs to run properly. not looking good. already stressed#they are the ice climbers colors because i think thats what tri force heroes was referencing with the snow coat#unless its anoukis but it would still be ice climbers because of the colors. its clearly ice climbers man
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can someone plz cry with me
#txt#so overwhelmed#and dreading work#I am so nervous about my future#I don’t see a point in working towards a career that isn’t based on passion#and I’m so tired of the advice I get being “do something you can tolerate that pays well so you can focus on hobbies outside of work#bcuz like where? how? I can’t do anything without a degree. and degrees are expensive. and even if I had a degree. I’ll need to have years#of experience#I don’t want to do something boring even if it gets me by#and there probably aren’t that many jobs available any#so I’m in this limbo where I can quit work yet cuz I don’t fucking know what I should have lined up#and I wanna go back to school but the only in person classes I can take are 2 hours from me#and I can do it online but I won’t get the same connections#so I just have to exist in this state of unhappiness and know in the back of my mind that no job will ever satisfy me#bCUZ WORK FUCKING SUCKS UNLESS ITS SLEMTHING YOU LOVE AND TJAHS HARD TTO COME BY#thank you this is my rant. if you don’t like it jump off a cliff. it’s my blog and I’m blogging dumb a as
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this might singlehandedly obliterate all my cred as a person with good opinions in this fanbase but across the void is. kind of not that bad.
#sorry i hated on it with the rest back in 2018 or whatever#i even kind of like. god i can’t even say it.#i kind of like pax and eos…………#like dont get me wrong they SUCK. they are AWFUL. the sight of eos’s stupid fucking smirk makes me want to shatter his skull#but like….i have sisters. that IS how it is. like it is so easy to immediately buy into their family dynamics#it’s. god. i might throw up just saying this. god might strike me down for not being a hater. waiting on the thunderbolt rn.#it’s a well written sibling relationship. that i fucking hate them both and yet am forced to peacekeep is so unbelievably real.#and titania is hot. and kepler is hot. UGH.#hardly the best thing they’ve ever written but i see her potential…….i can make her better i can fix her……..#maeve speaks#playchoices#choices#across the void#choices across the void#choices atv#eos elara#pax elara
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*grinding my teeth*
No I don’t need a partner… but what if I wanna be a little unhinged about my interests and cuddle someone and get a little kissy or two and have someone willing to let me talk their ear off for a second and then let me listen to them talk about whatever they want cos I want to hear them talk about something they’re passionate about and maybe fall asleep together while we’re chatting because we’re comfortable with eachother and don’t want to be away from eachother :(
#wren.rants#I need to make a better effort in finding someone I’m so fucking lonely in the /romantic(ish) way#like I’m ace spectrum so I’m soooo fine with some sort of queer relationship that isn’t stereotypical#but it’s so fucking hard to find anyone and I’m so worried I’m boring as hell#and that my inability to drive is a hella turn off and that because I’m not like#rich yet or whatever I’m just undesirable as a partner#it’s so fucked that I feel like I need to be more financially stable and shit before I even look for anyone when I’m just sad I can’t have-#some sort of closeness to anyone and haven’t had that for nearly three years now#I’m just frustrated man and maybe a little sad I can’t have some intimacy that I’m desperate for at this point#ughhhhhhhh#I need to be obsessed at/with someone man this sucks#anyways feel free to ignore this I’m just sleepy and mad about the fact I can’t just spend my time messaging a partner when I’m lonely#I also feel like I’ve grown distant to people I love online and I’m mad at myself about it I just dunno how to be more present for them….#sighssss#I’ll be fine in a few days I just needed to shout into the void for a sec
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anyway at least i’ve made it a rule for myself that if i read a non-stucky marvel fic that i get to follow it with a stucky fic bc even when it’s a good non-stucky fic i still need the thing i care about most
#sighhhh truly that person is a good writer and i love nat and yelena so much but it yet again didn’t fix things for me#and i subscribed for a fic they still sometimes update but#every notification i get now is bucky/sam and it’s such a fucking bummer#i hope at least some writers make him apologize for his previous behavior to bucky bc it really does suck#people were always like oh yes sam the only one with logic in the mcu but not there!#like yes steve was maybe too biased but it was unfair how distrustful sam was#after everything bucky did staying quiet and hidden for two years while he worked on finding himself again???#and even now marvel still frames it like bucky can’t be trusted or has to atone it’s disgusting
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guh
#bro I am literally so insanely hyperfixated on the worst fucking thing known to man#I cannot stop thinking about league of legends.#riot you have such an incredible world built with so many amazing characters and yet ur game still sucks#I love it sm tho#can’t stop thinking abt mh blorbos#anyway stan Heartsteel#deleting later maybe bc I like to keep blog clean#if anyone has even an inkling of interest in league lore pls don’t be afraid to hmu
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Playing more umbraclaw and after beating two bosses suddenly some gunvolt looking ass furry reject just showed up and made things harder he has three health bars which isn’t normal for the bosses and he showed up first at the start of one stage I just got to what the FUCK is going on
#meg text#I understand this is supposed to be like a mid boss rival encounter but Jesus fucking Christ#literally entered one stage and he just SHOWED UP#then in another I got far enough got my humanoid form and he showed up right before the boss#and I still haven’t seen the boss of the water stage rip#since only the shark guy I did without gaming over the other two I only saw but then died#it would probably be wiser to do him at the stage where he’s at the start so I can actually finish the damn water stage#but do I wanna waste my lives before the boss? Nope but the alternative isn’t good either#I think just having him randomly show up in a stage rather then just having a boss fight intermission is the issue#cause even it suck’s most of them usually don’t have stages if your gonna do a game with this gimmick and have a boss it’s kinda unfair#and the games supposed to be super punishing yes but this is a little ridiculous#I still like this game though and I’m gonna beat it but it’s certainly rough in spots#(Inb4 it ends up as one of my new favorite games and is yet another I can’t recommend thing to people)
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Okay. Mood stabilized. I’ve been reading and the diagnosis isn’t completely terrible. I can still like. Do stuff. So.
I need to lose weight but that was already the plan. I don’t have to completely change my diet. I only have to shoft the portions of it. I’m already committed to exercising.
I was always going to have to deal with this. It runs in both sides of my family. I just know about it now I guess.
#this still fucking sucks. but I can do it. probably.#and if I can’t I’ll be dead anyway so. might as well try I guess.#here’s to the rest of my life (derogatory)#tw health issues#vrrm vrrm#I don’t need insulin yet so there’s that#the rest of my life (derogatory)
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see the problem with all of the puzzles in bg3 is like. sometimes the player (me) is stupid. and at least in a real dnd game you might get the dm to take pity on you
#the number of ‘’walkthroughs’’ that i’ve found that don’t actually. help#they tell you the map coordinates or whatever. what about if i cannot physically find what you’re talking about AT THOSE COORDINATES#or cannot figure out how to get to those coordinates (like when i spent three days trying to find karlach)#i’m in hell. actually still having a very hard time getting invested and like. not rly enjoying this game lmao#I AM PLAYING ON EXPLORER MODE AND SOMEONE GOES DOWN IN ALMOST EVERY COMBAT#also just. open world syndrome a little bit#too many quests that apparently i can’t actually move forward in yet. and too much open space#making me feel like. i need to go explore and grind when i just want to finish the quests i already have good lord#idrc about exploring every corner of the map. at this point???#tried going into the mountain pass and it was like ‘hey you’re really low level. reconsider <3’ and im like#literally WHAT is there to do for me here#(it wanted me to go to the underdark. which i figured would progress the story so i was trying to find lae’zel’s crèche while we’re here??)#also on a non gameplay note#inSANE that all of the questlog items for daughter of darkness list her and i having interactions that We Did Not#got to act 2 and she’s like ‘hey i worship shar btw. this is supposed to be a reveal’ but like. the quest log told me that immediately??#was i not supposed to read that?? she never told me that she wanted to join the justiciars. i never gave her the idol.#but it said all of those happened???#maybe i’m biased bc my first save was trying to play as her but it REALLY feels like they’re pushing her to be the main character#like. kinda sucks how she’s the only companion you can check in with and say ‘how do you think we’re doing’#and these fucking controls#why are the items hit boxes so weird. my cursor is a centimeter away and yet it still highlights something#the label isn’t actually next to the thing it’s describing so holding the alt key does nothing to show me where it is#god forbid you try to point at something through an open door#the fucking. camera angles. impossible to see what i’m doing or where i’m going because the trees and walls and shit keep getting in the way#straight up not having a good time#but this was a lot of money and i’ve heard it picks up#when tho#also the fact that i rly like wyll and he’s got like. nothing. id heard he has less content than other origins but#didn’t realize it was to a noticeable extent#maybe it’ll pick up and give him more to talk about once i save his dad. please god
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like at some point i have ti admit it to myself. it’s a 2am delirious ramble after a hard sad day. but i don’t think i like my job very much actually. i mean i do i love it and it was made for me and i made it for me too. but how come something that i love and was made for me and that i made hurts so bad and so primally? how can i like something that brings me so much stress and grief and despair so regularly?
#purrs#i think it’s just been a hard year and a long pandemic. but transience and institutional politics and hierarchy and ambiguity are things you#just have to deal with i. an education job / setting and yet theyre fucking killing me. they killed me as a student and they’re killing me#even more as a staff member. i don’t think it’s that much to ask. i just want to have all the people i love in one#place. and to be on the same page all the time. shoulder to shoulder. ts all ive wanted and it’s been 5 years of wanting it so badly im#mentally and in some ways physically sick from the lengths ive gone to get it. like it’s come at a high price and i have it except for when#i don’t which is a lot of the time. idk what im saying. i just… im doing it backwards. im not in higher Ed because i want to be a student#affairs professional or ride up the ranks or whatever. im in it because i love this specific organization and helped to make it from the#start and the only reason i want to rise up the ranks is so i have fewer and fewer reasons to (doubt i’ll) get shaken off. but it can’t ever#be the same as it was. i miss my friends. i miss life before covid and i miss life before july 5 2022. i miss futures i didn’t get to live.#and i need to get over it and just be where i am and be brave and strong and pull myself backup again and make new friends and grow. but its#fucking hard. and im tired. everything has sucked the life out of me#delete later
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last week i was feeling very positive about making life changes (lots of tabs open about affordable housing lotteries & job listings) but this week i am feeling stuck in an unchangeable loop (boss trying to make changes that will essentially blackmail me into staying here, landlord already sent two (TWO!) emails asking us to commit to resigning the lease for SEPTEMBER)
#she wants to offer employees free studio space. UNREAL opportunity. unturndownable almost#housing here is so fucked i don’t WANT to commit to september yet! why can’t i think about it in july like someone NORMAL#in a NORMAL city where all the housing doesn’t turn over at the same time!!!#chatpost#god this sucks. i mean having a studio would be.. incredible. but i don’t want to be stuck here to have it#i feel like this is the universe telling me i waited too long ! wtf !
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#the art i just made is objectively not bad#and i do actually like it#but i got hit with the typically i’ll never be good enough overwhelmed feeling#it really fucking sucks it hits so hard#and i know im growing and learning#and i can SEE IT#but fucking hell sometimes i really hate that im not 20 years down the line#and completely satisfied with what i make#lyriumsings txt#like it’s not EVEN A BAD SKETCH#i’m just overwhelmed with it’s not my best#i need to be better why can i just be better faster#like sometimes it really does feel like i’m on a treadmill going nowhere#but like i love art!!#i love making it i love sharing it!!#i just can’t make the things i see in my head yet the way i want to#and it’s so idk#infuriating heartbreaking annoying everything
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I want to murder the love I feel for the man that cheated on me twice and beat the fuck out of me every day while claiming he loved me more than anything
#He is now dating the girl he cheated on me with at LEAST twice FOUR years ago :-)#so awesome and great for me to know they probably stayed in contact that whole time! love that!#found out bc he got a text and it said ‘I could kiss you all day’.#while we were together and everything was fine. I don’t understand why he did that.#this shit literally makes me want to off myself lol#and it fucking sucks because we dated for five years and it was so good for so long#and I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone#but there’s nothing I can do#he also was the one who got me addicted to fentanyl.#and as soon as he went to rehab and got sober he left me. I wasn’t clean yet and could have died and he just left.#found out soon after he’d been seeing her.#when he cheated he sent me multiple pictures of her naked and her in our bed.#and my dumbass got back together with him.#every time#I was fucked up before this relationship but now I am literally irreparable#I can’t heal from this shit#he’d tell me to kill myself#and say he wished I was dead#knowing how difficult shit was for me and how suicidal I was#he’d strangle me and spit on me and trip me and punch me in the face#he’d constantly tell me I ruined every aspect of his life and that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him.#then he’d tell me that I’m abusive because of my mental illnesses.#I’m so tired :(#I’m so fucking damaged and broken from this shit I cannot even put it into words.#abuse tw#physical abuse tw#physical abuse cw
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baby’s first shitty cappuccino art
#don’t @ me for the bubbles#it was nonfat milk which is a BITCH to properly steam#latte art but make it suck#I also made a ghost once mostly by accident#photo post#personal#cash’s coffeeshop au#I finally got my espresso training and holy shit no one in my company cares abt quality control of anything#I was on my own for most of the day while my trainer chatted with the other baristas#like#yeah I can’t do designs yet but at least I can consistently pour proper drink levels#he was serving shit an inch short of the top of the cup#just zero fucking consistency
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I watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s for the first time this morning and I can’t stop thinking about how much I hated it. I can’t figure out why. But I also watched the first part of Barry Lyndon and I’m really into it so there’s that too
Rant in tags because I have thoughts and opinions
#I’m sure it didn’t help how i went into Tiffany’s with a totally different idea of what the story would be#i didn’t see the noncommittal storyline coming. i thought it’d be about a diner or something named Tiffany’s. plus I hate how fast everyone#talks. i mean it makes sense because ‘oh city people talk fast’ but still I can barely understand a thing with or without captions#i also got so damn confused as to of everything before the point where Doc came in.#clearing up her backstory made everything click. but I just feel like a lot of this should’ve been made more clear earlier or something idk#I’m not fond of Holley herself either tbh. Paul is hot tho#then there’s the blatant racism in the movie… yeah#i get it was made in the 60s but oh good god.#i can’t see why this is considered a classic. singing in the rain is MILES BETTER and I only caught half of that one#barry lyndon however. is a charm so far. i really love enjoy and appreciate stories like that.#ones that follow the life of one character. how even before everything goes wrong for him his life still wasn’t an easy road. very lovely#i can’t wait to watch part 2#but honestly fuck Tiffany’s that movie sucks 😂#i feel like the story would be better if Holly herself was the main character instead of just the protagonist. because it’s clear how#the camera focuses on Paul like this is his story to tell. it should be hers#better yet#go watch Singing in the Rain instead#such a damn charm. i love Cosmo so much#kaitlyn talks for once
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