#I’m making more money than I ever have
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I would love very much not to go negative in my bank account every two weeks
#personal#delete l8r#why is it so expensive to just be ALIVE#I’m making more money than I ever have#and still end up negative a few days before payday every time#even after quitting smoking and cutting down as many expenses as possible#capitalism got a bitch worn tf out#how am I supposed to live laugh love in these conditions
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I hate searching for colleges. I’ve never felt more mabel pines coded in my life please make it stop
#idk what ‘it’ is#time maybe#colleges#America?#money#capitalism??#aging??#my parents???#that one girl in the theatre department that I can’t help but compare myself to#idk#but make it go away please because I’m tired and I’m stressed#college search#college apps#and I can’t just ‘take a gap year’ like 6 people have told me to since I’m so behind#because my stede bonnet coded ass has like an inferiority complex or SOMETHING#and I want to feel smart and capable#so like#no gap year for me#not an option without making myself feel endlessly guilty and even more stressed than without the gap year#anyway I don’t think I’ve ever made a vent post before but here we are#vent post#?#senior year#senior year is supposed to be fun and easy what the fuck is this#like man I just wanna watch adventure time /hj
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bmcblr sings: (apparently both versions of) more that survive
#y’all want crusty you GET crusty#WHO decided it was a good idea for me to try this i spent so long on it and it’s still shit quality#there’s nothing i can do about that but i spent 7 HOURS ON THIS#THIS IS NOT WORTH 7 HOURS#IM NOT EXPERIENCED ENOUGH FOR THINGS LIKE THESE#tbf most of that time i was just nitpicking#it looks a little better than the one before at least#and i’m lowkey pirating the editing software i’m using#idk if that’s the right word but#it’s supposed to cost money but i got a code like 2 years ago and i’ve been using it ever since#it’s so busted it doesn’t even let me export as mp4#i have to export as something else and convert it#bmcblr sings#i know for a FACT there’s gonna be more so i’m just gonna make the tag now#bmcblr remake#i GUESS
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Writing over 30,000 words worth of content for a fic only to realize it’s all pointless because you have no interest in it anymore and you were never gonna finish it anyway….
What even is The Point anymore
#current mood#it’s so joever#this isn’t even the worst part honestly#what really sucks is that this project was the last thing in my life I had any sustainable interest in and now that’s gone too.#now I have nothing. like#the fuck am I supposed to do??? get a new interest??? that’s fucking impossible#nothing hits like it used to and everything is just….bland….and SO MUCH EFFORT to get into#like hobbies are so difficult? and my old hobbies (ex writing) are becoming more and more toxic and like a chore rather than something fun#like writing at this point has become a battle of perfectionism and I’m fucking losing#what am I supposed to do. nothing inspires me. I have no interests. no hobbies. not many friends irl#and it’s not like we ever hang out because people are a fucking piece of work#either they cling to you like dog shit or they never respond to your texts no in between#im just so tired of existing??? and also college??? is fine but like#what the fuck am I DOING here like#why am I getting an art degree??? is this really how I should be spending my time and my parents money?#what the fuck am I gonna do for a job??? what do I WANT from a job???? I don’t even fucking know#i can’t see myself being happy in life doing anything and that’s such a nonstarter#it makes it impossible to start planning anything because I feel paralyzed with fear#and like I said….i don’t have any interests. I don’t LIKE anything. I am the antithesis of curiosity and interest like. there’s just nothing#i can’t do this anymore#im so done#idk why I made this so long but#I guess I have a lot on my mind I wanted to share#sorry for cringe posting on main it will happen again#im sorry in general actually for everything im sorry for being needy and attention seeking and annoying and flaky and never finishing any of#my fics because I lose interest and for not responding to anyone in my inbox I’m sorry#personal#cringe#cringetober#long tags
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so obviously i, bat enthusiast who can only be sustained by the air kuukou’s sun generates, the waters jyushi’s moon controls and the universal energy that is hitoya’s stars, be acting like this with bat’s entire discography, stage and anime included, no brainer obvs like duh
so outside that lmao, it’s gotta be dh’s no double dipping album, osaka billion dreams, double trouble, break the wall, iwgp and iwbp
#this is vee speaking#i’m actually lying lmao there’s more than just that LOL#i like hypmic music lmao#i’ll probably mention this whenever i get around to stage osaka dumping#but holy FCK do i love osaka billion dreams omfg#like it’s my favourite dh song ever lmao i get so excited when it rolls around whenever i rewatch bop 2023 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#now that i’m making a little more money i can afford the rep live dvds and i sure am going to buy them once i’m a little more stable#JUST so i can have that song in my phone lol since idk if we’ll ever get a master album for s1 of the stage 😞#another full album was my guess for the stage announcement btw lol that or a stage tv run (copium LMAO)
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#I do this thing where I keep comparing myself and my life to other people my age who live like ‘normal lives’ where they live with just#their partner and work decent-ish paying jobs#and don’t live near family/have large family obligations#like I make slightly more than minimum wage#my health stuff had been getting worse#my fiancé is disabled/chronically ill and working her ass off so she doesn’t have excess energy#which leaves a lot of house work on me#which is fine and I don’t mind#and our household is me my fiancé my 23 yo sister and we’ve all lived together for like 3 years now and my sister makes a lot more money &#helps with house stuff#/maintenance#but my younger sister and her 9 month old moved in at the beginning of summer because her baby daddy is a scum bag#and she’s 20 and really mentally unwell#so a lot of baby care falls on me & my fiancé#along with trying to help my sister with her mental health#which is like not normal levels of unwell it’s like serious shit and she’s completely unmedicated and going through a real hard time and not#adjusting to motherhood well cause she was 19 and shouldn’t have had a baby#and like she knows that but what’s done is done#she can’t move back in with my parents because her relationship with them is too fucked#and like there’s also complicated stuff safety and bad ppl in her life so that’s a stress inducing factor#she’s unemployed and I’m not sure will ever be able to work and can’t drive#not her fault just the reality we live in#also we’re the ppl who live closest to my grandmother who’s health has been rapidly declining so a lot of that has fallen on my other sister#and me to manage#I also have to pet sit a lot because I need the money#and when I come home I have to spend all my time getting the house back in order#also I’m about to be losing a days worth of pay starting September cause the kids I nanny are doing two half days a week of prek#which means less money & with these grocery bills and two more mouths to feed is gonna fuck me in the ass#so like yeah I don’t have the time or energy for hobbies I spend all my damn free time trying to keep the house clean or taking care of#The baby & like it’s just the way it is but it’s not comprable to how all the ppl I knew in highschool r living rn
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Never ever EVER buy household appliances with ai in them. Most ridiculous things I’ve ever encountered
#to be clear i did not buy one but had to use one to do a load of laundry (who needs ai in a laundry machine??) and let me tell you it was#useless.#first the thing apparently ‘senses the dirty ness of your clothes to calculate the wash cycle’ which then would only ever decide to do a#cycle that took 4. freaking. hours. never have i encountered a washer that takes longer than an hour to wash your clothes.#and without the ability to manually say you want it to be a specific time? makes no sense. who has that kind of time in their day.#NEXT we go to dry the clothes and it also wants to run it for an insane amount of time. so we click it anyways (horrible decision)#and think oh we’ll just open it halfway through#well. upon stopping the cycle halfway through the damn thing says that the door is locked because it’s ‘too hot.’#never have i seen something that thinks i’m going to burn myself on my hot clothes. like cmon#also cause opening the door would be a surefire way to cool the clothes down you’d think??#so we try all sorts of troubleshooting things and even unplugging it and it STILL WOULDNT UNLOCK.#the damn thing is still locked btw. dunno if ill ever get those clothes back#so glad this at least isn’t actually a dryer we spent money on and just one that was here while we’re traveling and need to do laundry#but like. cmon#there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to decide how long to wash our clothes for and instead let a ‘smart’ (hint: it’s not smart) machine#do it for us#(hint part 2: this isn’t just about the clothes)#soni rambles#more like soni RANTS#i was already angry about the idea of ai in appliances but experiencing first hand how bad they are makes me even more angry#and a little scared for the future#now it’s 2am and the laundry is still stuck and im too upset to go to sleep. gah#and i don’t get mad easily.#oh and did i mention that to dry your clothes it wouldn’t let you select a temperature?? that it only said it would sense it itself??#see i like to dry all my clothes on low heat cause ive had a history of them shrinking#so not only are they trapped in the machine but it’s ‘too hot’ because it wouldn’t let us select a lower temperature.#luckily i didn’t put anything in that’s a material that usually shrinks
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I want to quit my job! there’s nothing more in life I want at the moment
#spent the entire day in 100f weather#nearly got heat stroke#was just told that the promotion that was promised to me 8 fucking months ago isn’t happening#bc they don’t want to pay me more money#I’m already doing the job#their expectations with me align w the job#I’m literally training other people at my level#and my manager promised it to me#she even said that bc it was delayed my pay would be retroactive to the right date#and her manager told me it would happen#and now they don’t want to pay me more money#even tho I only make slightly more than the brand new guy who just started who is a disrespectful bitch who I have been tasked with fucking#training#I have a meeting w my boss on Tuesday and I don’t know how I’m not going to scream at her#I have only ever received positive feedback and I’m told regularly that everyone loves me#I’m losing my goddamn mind#I make good money and I still can barely afford my city and I’ll never own a house in the city I grew up in#the most expensive city in the US#and they don’t want to pay me more money#i cannot stop crying
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Hate lamp with sweater, yuck, but grengory looked cute there, I finished finally my gregornhia sketch page I love him so much he’s everything to me, his boyfriend? No, he’s actually my boyfriend (haha I forgor I cropped smth, FAKE WEAPON[???])
#regretevator#regretevator gregoriah#gregoriah fanart#regretavator fanart#grengoriah#I’m back#I love him so much I could be better than his boyfriend I can be so much sillier I can be so much more than he ever was [please geengoroeha#I’m so lonely give me a chance please I could make the world such a silly little place for you please please please please please#let me ritz you up please please please please please please please please please please please please please plea please please please ple#I will paint him on my wall if I have to I will paint him on my ceiling and I did not stutter I will do it I can do it I might do it#Woworofmsohdgfjchcocybfichdnwkdjdhejmsnsifhsn grengoroha woudl fill my days with so much happiness and I will never need anything else plea#I could make silly food and do silly shows and put on silly movies and buy silly things and sillyingly give you all of my money#why he wear shoes#why no big ol paw feet for him? I can give him big ol paw catify him it would be silly so silly
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I hope your days aren't as heavy and dark, I am sending all the positive thoughts your way. You deserve the best, fairy princess. <3
😭
#I’ve been getting such sweet asks#I can’t tell you how much they mean to me right now#unfortunately my days have been pretty dark and overwhelming#struggling more than I ever have before tbh#and I’ve struggled most of my life so that’s saying something#also tried to go on TikTok for a little bit and oh BOY that was a bad decision#I might come back sometime soon#it’s just hard when my meds and everything have been making me very sex repulsed 😬#and half of the posts on my feed are very sexy related lol#so I guess that’s probably the main reason I haven’t been on here as much as I used to#also really don’t have the energy to reply or talk to people anymore#(sorry to anyone who has tried to DM me or contact me in any way -#I’ve barely been able to get out of bed so I definitely don’t have the energy to reply to people)#fun fact I went on TikTok finally cause everyone keeps talking about it#somehow ended up on the abortion debate side of TikTok???? so I kept seeing these bullshit debates#the final straw was the other day I saw some dipshit put as their claim ‘prochoice is a mental illness’#don’t even get me started on that it makes me so made I start to shake#I’m sorry but that is so offensive to people who are struggling with real mental illnesses???#went up as a guest (surprisingly) and was trying to explain how ridiculous that statement was and one of the people literally said#‘this is not a safe space’#lol ok byeeeee#obviously not expecting every where to be a safe space but for someone to literally SAY that is wild to me#I always try to keep a safe space no matter who I’m talking to or what about#that still is bothering me so so much#main reason why I’m still on there is cause I love this creator and want to support her as much as possible#but idk how much longer I can be on there… was even thinking about trying to post and make money over there#but ha ha ha guess not#back to square one#I’m running out of space as always but thank you so so so much for the kind words they mean the world to me!! also FAIRY princess???#I’ve never heard that before 🥹🥹🥹 thank you thank you thank you wishing you a lovely day 🫶
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god, grief hits you at the weirdest fucking times
#was brushing my teeth and started crying thinking about my aunt#sometimes i forget she’s gone because it just seems too wrong#she was young she was healthy (before the cancer) she was more full of life and energy and compassion than almost anybody i know#and it just feels impossible that a presence like that can just. disappear.#they say one of the first things to go is their voice#as you start losing memories of them#but i don’t think i can ever forget hers#i hear her in the way my mom speaks sometimes too#and the way i talk to dogs sometimes#my mom says she sees her in my hands#she had such a big heart and yet she did work that could so easily break someone#but she stayed kind#she fought for the kids she helped#she fought so fucking hard and she cared so much and she never stopped caring no matter how much it hurt#and she loved and stayed joyful despite seeing some of the worst sides of humanity#sometimes i just need to talk about her#because i know she’ll be remembered by everyone who knew her#she’s not the kind of person you forget#but it still feels like that isn’t enough#like she should have had so much more time to bless so many more lives#my mom started a community fund on the island in her name#she hasn’t decided fully yet where the money will go#Tan cared about so many things but especially the foster kids the queer youth and all animals#especially wolves and horses which sounds cliche but it made so much sense for her#one of the things she was fighting for most in her last few years was making sure indigenous kids in the foster system#had ways to connect with their cultures#either by making sure they stayed with family who could take them in and making sure the family had the supports they needed#or connecting them with community programs run by indigenous leaders for indigenous youth#i’m a lot calmer now after all that typing#personal
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What do I want? I want to be seen as a peer.
#tiger’s roar#mental health bullshit#…and I feel further away than ever with my damn disability that I got told was psychosomatic without directly saying those words#because unstable tendons that pop grind sproing every time I really do anything#can’t Possibly be painful#or WHY my muscletone and stamina is shit#oh noooo it MUST be all in my head nevermind I CAN’T TAKE SEROTONIN. every drug with it makes me suicidal or worse#…anyway. I will be stranded as soon as I move out to attend university#which is only possible with taking out yet more student debt#and keeping a credit load far higher than I could ever do (nevermind my physical disability)#to keep my scholarship. and then Hope I still get a Pell + misc school scholarships#but there’s No Way around I Won’t be able to cope with a job with 15 credits mentally even if I could physically#…yEAH I’m Terrified. and I’m sick to death of people telling me to NOT take out loans#when this is The Only Way to pay rent and tuition to Even Attend At All#…and ALL Of This ontop of… you want to spend time with me? NOW that you’re at the end of your master’s and I’ll be getting things in order?#Do You See Me As A Creative Peer Or Someone Who Could Be One#or am I just a Pretty Gurl Who’s A Poor Lost Waif Who Sings Pretty#…you never did tell me what you thought of my script’s draft#and have been suspiciously Silent about your own art#do you REALIZE that to do ANYTHING together…you’re gonna have to drive. and I don’t want to do anything that costs money#because 1) it feels unbalanced (regardless if it’s a date or simply hanging out. but your body language screams Date?? not Hangout)#and 2) …I’ll be needing to keep a fisthold control of my finances as it’s gonna be stuck as reimbursements + debt#I…cannot see how I can mentally or physically take on a job. nevermind nobody’s wanted me to work for them for anything not janitorial#…so…yeah. how the hell can I even feel like anyone’s peer#when I’ll be at least a decade older. mentally ill. disabled. and can’t work because of it#how am I supposed to feel like anything but a porceline doll with rotting rubber joint connections + glockinspeal
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A Venn Diagram with Heathers in one circle, Legally Blonde in the other and Mean Girls in the middle
#broadway#broadway musicals#heathers#legally blonde#mean girls#this is because when I think Mean Girls (the Broadway musical) I think of both heathers and legally blonde#I mean#mean girls is basically a pg version of heathers#but mean girls and legally blonde give off the same vibes#and they both have the main character being dumb because of a guy#girls please don’t change yourself dramatically because a guy doesn’t appreciate who you are#I mean I’m all for self improvement and becoming the best version of yourself#but do it for you#that’s the only way it’ll ever be genuine anyways#I haven’t watched any of the movies or musicals for these#but I have listened to all the Broadway musicals more than once#if I had the money I’d go and see them on stage#I know I could probably find a bootleg online somewhere or just watch the movies#but it’s not the same#also I would make the Venn diagram but I’m on a road trip and this is all on my phone so that seems like too much work
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word on the streets is that hypstage might have been in the red for a while now, like they never really recovered from cancelling shows from corona, and while popular, it just wasn’t profitable so upon a company acquisition in early june, the higher ups pulled the plug on the stage 😖😖😖
#this is vee speaking#the twitter thread i read mentioned unfilled seats in shows and merch rarely ever selling out#so hypstage might have been running on passion and debts this whole time#or at least haemorrhaging money faster than was being made lol#so i’ve also seen fans trying to rally and make battle of pride very profitable so this can be more of a hiatus with hope for a future#like stage plays are in rn and hypstage going on as long as it has despite money problems has to be proof of that#but idk either lol i just think fans deserve better closure than a sudden graduation announcement of THE ENTIRE CAST#if battle of pride doesn’t come with some sort of goodbye or other announcement i’m going to be pretty mad ngl lol
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One of the pups has decided that now that I’m not having hundreds of dollars each paycheck bled out by the various effects of months of repeated intense storms in the area that she’s free to have an out of nowhere incredibly rare for her size/breed bloat issue, resulting in a 7-10k emergency surgery. Which means most vacation/staycation/extra days off to Do Things plans this year have been cancelled to make way for a continuation of the overworking for me and alas, less time for fic writing will be ongoing until further notice. :/
Pup is currently hospitalized but okayish. Surgeon said she was the best case of this particular issue she’d ever seen and her organs look amazing for her age.
I miss writing so much! I wish RL wasn’t being such a pain at getting in the way of that.
#I had a three day weekend this weekend#got through about a day and a half of that#then dealing with the emergency#sorry guys I really want to contribute to fandom#but I also have spent two years of my life homeless#due to money issues#from my own emergency medical surgery#so not too keen on doing that again#to the point where I work 10-12 hour days#which is a major siphon on brainpower#I’m making more than ever and actually get overtime pay now#but the first fourth of this year was very expensive#the agonizing process of fic writing#rl happenings
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#not to personal post on here#but#mean was the frost Taylor swift song I ever heard#and when I lived alone with my dad I wanted nothing more than to get out#and I’d just lock myself in my room#and sit in my closet#and listen to mean and cry#and wish that I was ANYWHERE else#and I was big enough so he couldn’t hit me#and that I was on my own and grown up and not a little kid#and now it’s 13 years later#I’ve got a college degree#and I’m one of the youngest and most successful people in my career#I’m making more money than him#I’m doing interviews with the news#and I’m going to a fundraiser held by the ACLU fully paid for BY them for my friends and I to attend#I have friends- lots and lots of them#and I’m living in a big city - one of the biggest in the country#and I’m big enough that no one can hit me#least of all him#I haven’t even seen him since I was a teenager#and he’s still drunk and angry and just really… small?#I know mean isn’t her best song#hearing it sung thirteen years later#now that I’m thirteen years older and untouchable#I just am crying over how much I’ve grown since then#it’s such a stupid song to be nostalgic about#but I swore that someday I’d be living in a big ol city#and now I am and all he ever was#and all he is and EVER has been is mean
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