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auliasbookcorner · 2 years ago

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Review: The Winners (Beartown #3) by Fredrik Backman

Book 18 of 2022

Start Reading Time: 16 November 2022

Finish reading Time: 26 November 2022

Page Count: 671 Pages

TRIGGER WARNINGS: RAPE, VIOLENCE, GUN VIOLENCE, MURDER, GRIEF, SUICIDE

This is the spoiler-free part of the review. I will put up a spoiler alert before going into the review that contains spoilers.

HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THE WORST BOOK HANGOVER IN A WHILE.

This hurts too much to touch with words, indeed. (It should be a fucking warning on the book cover) And that's another quote that has the power to instantly destroy me mentally.

I haven't been this devastated because of a book since A Little Life and The Hero of Ages, so naturally, this book automatically gets a five stars from me. I needed 5 days to recover from this book, where I do nothing but sleep and cry while listening to The Winner Takes It All by ABBA, and think about Benji.

I am so emotionally drained. Remember how I said I felt like a shell of myself after I finished reading The Hero of Ages? Well, I didn't expect to experience it again this soon. But I guess, it's just an indication of a good book series, that the ending has such a powerful effect on you after you first finish reading it.

First of all, before we go into the review, I'd like to thank Backman for dedicating this book to me. I mean, he's kind of describes me perfectly (and it feels a little like a read too) when he wrote:

"To you who talk too much and sing too loud and cry too often and love something in life more than you should."

When I first read it, I was like 😱😱😱 OMG this dedication is for meeee!!! IT'S ME, HI, I'M THE ONE THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO, IT'S MEEEE.

I mean, If that's not me, I don't know what I am. So, thank you, Backman, I felt so seen and you just made my year with that book dedication because this is one of my favorite book trilogy of all time, and this book is my favorite read this year.

Now, here's the non-spoilery review: To say that Backman stick the landing with this book is an understatement, I honestly think with every book in this series, the story becomes bigger and better, and what a great first trilogy for him, I'm so excited for his next book series. I am aware that I have more criticisms in my review of Us Against You (Book 2) than Beartown (Book 1), but I also still love it very much, as it explores so much more about the town and the characters that I have come to love and care about very, very much. Yes, Beartown can be read as a standalone, and it would be a great standalone read all by itself, but I personally think that Us Against You and The Winners have added so much more to the story and make it so much richer, especially for the fans of Backman's works like myself, and I am so grateful that he made it into a trilogy like it is now, because imagine if there's book 2 and three for his other awesome books like Britt-Marie Was Here or Anxious People. I would lose my freaking mind.

I know I'm very much in the minority with this opinion, as I have found that a lot of the criticisms of this book by other people is that it was too long and that there are parts that should be cut from the book, but I honestly feel that one of the best things about this book (and there are a lot, as I will explain later in this review) is that it's THICC and much longer than Backman's previous books. Well, I disagree with those people. I personally don't think that there's any part that should be cut from the book, in fact, I think there are some things that should be added and included in the book, and if that makes this book even thicc-er, the so be it, I don't care if I'm the only soul in the whole world who thinks this. I have always been a lover of big thicc books, and I always will be. The thicc-er the book, the better for me.

I mean, did Backman wreck me with this book? Yes. Yes, he most certainly did. But, oh boy, am I beyond happy that this is so much longer than all of his other books so far. I pray that Backman will make his books longer from now on, and may all his books have no less than 1000 pages, AMEN. But I'll still read his books even if they're short though. Listen, I'll take what I can get.

Awesome authors like Backman, Sanderson, RF Kuang, Hanya Yanagihara, and Khaled Hosseini should only write long books, IMO. It should be a crime for great stories and books to be read so briefly.

Having said that, I feel like Backman kinda cheated because even though there are more pages in this book, the chapters are way shorter than the previous books. I mean, there are so many short chapters in this book, and many of them are scary foreshadowing of the events that are about to happen, and they make my anxiety goes 📈📈📈. Especially that first chapter about Benji. It was fucking brutal, if anybody wants to hurt me mentally, just show me that chapter, and I will be hyperventilating and sobbing in a second.

However, this book has exceeded all of my expectations. Yes, it did wreck me mentally, but there's also still so much joy and happiness in it, which makes it all the more harder to move on from this book. Because if you're gonna shatter me, at least give me a few moments of happiness first.

The cast of characters also grew bigger in this book, which stumped me at first, because it's not as if the first two books don't already have a large cast of characters in them. But I'll just go ahead and get attached to even more characters, I guess. Whatever you wanna do, Fredrik. But it paid off, I think, because the new characters added new and much needed perspectives to the story. Now, we won't only care about the people of Beartown, but also the people of Hed.

There is so much light and darkness in this book that I think Backman fairly focused on the contrasting hues of the two vastly different sides of some of the things that are being mentioned in this book. There's happiness, but there's also heartbreak. There are deaths, but also newborns. There are losers, and there are winners. For every ending, there's a new beginning. And sometimes, the same thing happened to two different people, and the outcome of that same thing ended up being completely different. As Ramona said in the book, “Two of everything, one we see and one we don’t, an upside and a downside,” Sometimes we get one thing and other times we get the other, and it's all just a part of life. Reading about it in this book makes me want to appreciate both the upside and the downside in life, which is just the outcome that's expected from reading the Philosopher King's book.

I don't think I need to mention this, as it has already been well known how much I love Backman's style of writing, but I just need to mention how I think Backman just becomes better and better with every book he releases. To this day I don't think there's anyone who writes about human emotions and human connection as good as Backman. And I think that the initial title of this book, which is "Those Who Run Towards Fire" fits this book so much better, now after knowing the content of the book, but I get that The Winners is a catchier title, and I don't have any problem with that. But now just hearing or reading those words gives me the chills and the feels, man. (Also, it reminds me of my boy Spook/Lestibournes in The Hero of Ages of Mistborn trilogy, The Survivor of The Flames himself, because he literally run inside a burning building to save a town from burning down)

WARNING: SOME SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Speaking of people who run towards fire, let's talk about Benji. I did know that Benji's going to die in this book, since Backman has given it away since Beartown and Us Against You, and it feels like he has been preparing us for it since Beartown. So, I think we all BEEN KNEW about Benji's death in this book. But, guess what, I was STILL DEVASTATED when IT happened. I swear to God, when I got to THAT scene, I was legit like:

It was pure pain and devastation. "This hurts too much to touch with words" is accurate because it REALLY is. I could babble on and on for hours about how painful it was, but no words could adequately represent how shattered I was when I was reading it. But I understand why Backman has to kill him off, though I was afraid at first as it seems to be feeding off of the Bury Your Gays trope, but it's really not, and you have to understand Benji's character to know how he had to die the way he did in this book. It was so fucking hard, but I accepted it and hope that now he can be in peace, somewhere in heavens with Ramona, Vidar, Ann-Katrin and maybe even his dad. And it is so right that this trilogy is ending after his death, because he really is at the heart of it.

Overall, this book is gorgeous, it made me cry and laugh and sob and reflect. It's gut-wrenching, but it's also a beautiful ending to this much beloved trilogy. Now that all three books are released, and I have finished all three of them, I can safely say that this trilogy is solid and definitely one of my favorite of all time. It's bittersweet to say goodbye to not only this trilogy, but also one of my comfort characters. As much as I want this book series to last forever, I know I need to let it go for now. Nothing gold can stay, Frost says. But I can always visit Beartown again in the future. Now, how do I get out of this book hangover?

BOOK SUMMARY:

It's two years after that tragic night, where the violence between Beartown and Hed reached its peak, and took one incredible young man's life. Beartown and Hed had been in truce since then, and no violence occurred between the two towns. Benji has left Beartown to travel abroad and find out who he could be without hockey, in many new places where he doesn't know a soul. Maya left Beartown to study music in the big city that made her realize just how small and remote her town actually is, in comparison. She's still fighting her demons that she got ever since that night Kevin took away her youth and her chances of living a carefree life in which she can drink at a friend's party without having to worry if she's getting too drunk that someone might rape her while she was intoxicated. She still calls Ana from time to time, but their friendship is not as it used to be.

Meanwhile, back in Beartown, The Beartown Hockey team keeps winning game after game, thanks to Amat, who is now the star player of the team, and Hed seem to be losing game after game. Along with Beartown Hockey Team's success, comes the sponsorship, and investors who are going to bring development and business to the town, while there are rumors that the Hed hockey club is going to be closed down. It's the exact opposite of what happened two years ago. However, there are rumors going around that Amat is faking his injuries, he was absent from many hockey games and cost the club the championship, because he kept getting drunk. He was doing amazing at the beginning that he was able to carry the team to finals for the first time in a long while for Beartown hockey club. However, suddenly Amat started missing games, the team soon started losing and in the end they lost the championship. Amat also went to the US for the NHL draft, but he did not get drafted and he'd been staying in his house all day since then.

Ana is recovering from a knee injury that she got after she kicked a guy who said that girls can't kick properly. Bobo is now working as an assistant coach to Zackell. Peter is still working for Kira at her hugely successful law firm, but it did not mend their strained marriage like Peter hoped it would, two years ago. Things may not be as good as we wanted it to be, but the people of Beartown are known to be strong and resilient. And that's a good thing, because a storm is happening and it's bringing chaos and changes with it.

Two remarkable things happened during the storm, someone we love passed away in their sleep, and a pregnant woman was about to give birth to a baby, but she was stuck in the car with her husband on their way to the hospital, because of the storm. Someone from Hed would have to work together with someone from Beartown to help the woman deliver her baby.

Another remarkable thing that happened during the storm is that the hockey rink in Hed collapsed due to the storm. Some business man from Beartown will take advantage of this, which will cause the rivalry between the two towns to reach new highs that will cost them dearly.

The funeral would bring Maya and Benji home, and the old gang's back together once again in Beartown. We would later hope they didn't.

The people of Beartown mourn the passing of someone we love, but they will do it again so unexpectedly soon, and the death would make them evaluate their collective failure as a community that led to said loss. Can the people of Beartown and Hed weather the storm?

🚨 SPOILER ALERT 🚨

From this point forward in the review, I will mention spoilers, plot twist and the ending. So, if you don’t wish to be spoiled, you can skip the rest of the review and come back to this review once you’ve finished reading this book.

So... let's talk about it…

THE CONTRASTING THEME: LIFE-DEATH, AND TWO VASTLY DIFFERENT SIDES OF THE SAME COIN. I sensed a really strong theme of the contrasting of two different things in this book. First is about life and death. When Ramona died during the storm, Vidar (the baby that Ana and Hannah helped deliver) was born. When Benji and Matteo died, a set of twin babies were born into the world in a hospital in Hed.

Sidenote, and this is not in the theme, but notice how all three of the tragic deaths, Ruth's, Matteo's and Benji's, all described the same way: they died before they hit the floor.

Both Maya and Ruth were raped, one happened not long after the other, one happened in Beartown and the other in Hed, but the outcome of these two cases are so vastly different. Ruth died after abusing drugs and alcohol, while Maya survived, though she's still battling the PTSD from that night, but she's thriving in the big city, she's enrolled in a music school, and she'll go on living and become a successful and famous singer. The difference between these two girls is the support from their own family, friends and community. Maya was blessed with a family and friends who believed her, and fought for her justice, while Ruth's family didn't. Amazing how much difference a good support system can make on a person's well being.

Matteo and Leo also had such contrasting endings, even though they're so similar in so many ways. They're the same age, they both love video games, they both felt the rage for what happened to their sisters, they both felt helpless, not knowing what to do with all of their rage, but they both felt the need to act on it. We know how in Us Against You, Leo joined The Pack, but then his family stopped him from being involved in the violence and danger, while Matteo had no one to protect him from doing the stupid things he did in this book, as his parents are both mentally checked out from reality, and no one stepped up to care for him, thus he felt invisible in his town. I feel like guys like Teemu, Vidar and a lot of guys from the pack were able to grow up to be somewhat "decent" guys (debatable, I know, but at least they protect the weak and each other, and they never hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it) because at least they had a parental figure in Ramona, or each other, who would later be their support system. Who knows how they would have turned out to be if they never had Ramona or each other. Again, what difference a good support system can make.

I really like this theme and I applaud Backman for including this theme in the book, because as he stated in the book, most rape survivors don't have it as good of an outcome as Maya, and there are so many people with stories like Ruth's out there in the world. And same thing for Leo and Matteo's case. I think the message is clear, that every one, especially if they're still children, need good familial support system, and how we need to step up for our community and be kind to each other, check up on one another, so no one would have felt invisible, or not heard, or not believed.

IT'S ABOUT REDEMPTION. I know that this is the final installment to the trilogy, so Backman might want to end it with everyone having character development and growth, but I feel like everyone got a redemption arc in this book, except for Ruth's rapist. Tails got a redemption arc with him helping Peter with "The Cathedral", Lev got a redemption arc when he helped Ana staged an alibi for his father, Richard Theo helped Kira bury the story on Bearton Hockey's corruption, even Ruth and Matteo's parents got a redemption arc with all of their charity works.

I think the theme of redemption is very easily felt in the book, especially in the last part of the book, with the whole "Cathedral" thing that Peter, Tails and Kira are doing with the new ice rink in The Hollows, Kira's new law firm, and everything Lev and Matteo's parents did. I feel this quote accurately represents that theme in the book:

"It’s that sort of town, where everything can change and the people can be transformed. Where we find the strength to play even though our lungs are screaming. Possibly because we’re used to withstanding the darkness, both inside and outside. Possibly because we live close to wilderness. But perhaps most of all because, just like everyone else in every other place: If we don’t have tomorrow, what’s the alternative?"

This theme reminds me of this Backman quote from Anxious People about forgiveness and redemption:

“They say that a person’s personality is the sum of their experiences. But that isn’t true, at least not entirely, because if our past was all that defined us, we’d never be able to put up with ourselves. We need to be allowed to convince ourselves that we’re more than the mistakes we made yesterday. That we are all of our next choices, too, all of our tomorrows.”

Maybe that's the main moral message that Backman is trying to tell the readers with this trilogy, that people fuck up all the time, whether it was done with intent or not, as long as we're alive, we still have a chance to make up and repent for our mistakes. That's why sports, or more specifically in this trilogy, hockey, is the main theme of the trilogy, because as Backman wrote in the final chapter of this book:

"It’s easy to love hockey then, because hockey isn’t the past, it isn’t yesterday, it’s always next. The next change of line, the next game, the next season, the next generation, the next magical moment when something we didn’t think was possible becomes a miracle. The next chance to fly up from your seat and yell with joy. Next."

And from that quote, I took it to mean that for all of us, the most important step is the next step, no matter how you fuck up in the past, it's all about how you make up for it in the present. Your next action is the most important one.

THE HOCKEY CORRUPTION STORY. I feel iffy that the story on corruption in Beartown is buried, even though I absolutely love Peter, and I hate the way it all happened, but most of all because it involves Richard Theo, I just hate how it's being buried. My conscience is screaming at me that it's so wrong, just because I love Peter and don't want him to go to jail because he was just being used by Tails, doesn't mean that the truth should not be exposed, and they can deal with the outcome in court maybe.

Also, the sentiment about moral and ethical standards, being expressed in the book via Kira's law business partner, that when it involves our own family and the people we love, all of our moral and ethical standards go out the window, I think it's kind of hypocritical.

"“Do you think I’m doing the wrong thing? In purely moral terms? Defending Peter like this?”

“You know, Kira, all my thoughts about morals and ethics boil down to one single thing: not if it concerns your family. You can have a thousand principles, but not if it concerns your family. That’s what you protect first and foremost, above morals, even above the law. Family first. You’re loads of things, but you’re a mother first. A wife first.”"

I know, it's easier said than done, but I'd like to think that I would hold the same moral and ethical standards I have towards other people with my own family too. Because I trust other people to do the same towards their own family too. I don't know, I think there's debates to be had about it, and maybe when tested in real life, I would share the same sentiment as Kira's colleague, but theoretically and ideally speaking, the sentiment is hypocritical.

Also, even though the journalist is publishing the expose on the council members' corruption may bring the citizens of Hed and Beartown together, I think the two towns would still have the rivalry for years to come.

TAILS. Boy oh boy, do I hate him. He was okay in Beartown (book 1), and irritating at worst in book 2, but in this book you just can't help but hate him, and if you disagree we can't be friends.

I mean, the AUDACITY of this guy, he had A LOT of nerve making the tragedy that is the storm to benefit him, his politics, Beartown and its hockey club. How is this guy not the villain here? And I can't believe it's taken us three books to find out how rotten he really is.

He's just the the absolute dumb-ass for making Peter responsible for his corrupt hockey politics, even though he may not had the sinister intent of making Peter the scapegoat for his corruptions. And I don't like that in the end he gets to redeem himself by helping Peter build the Ice Rink or "The Cathedral" in The Hollows, but whatever. Maybe it's just my petty ass, but if I were Peter I would probably cut him out of my life for good.

HANNAH AND JOHNNY BEING KIRA AND PETER 2.0, OR HED VERSION OF KIRA AND PETER. I guess they're sweet and couple goals too, and I think that Johnny is funnier than Peter, but I'm already too invested with the Anderssons. Another family like them being introduced to the story this late in the trilogy just can't compare to the OG one. I like their family, don't get me wrong, I like Hannah and Johnny as well as all of the children, I found each and everyone of them to be very interesting characters, but unfortunately we just have not spend that much time with them to care about them that much. But I appreciate that they represent the Hed's perspective, though.

The best things about this book for me are...

BENJAMIN OVICH. The official guardian angel of Beartown. The heart and soul of this trilogy. He IS, and always will be my comfort character. All I wanted for him in this book is to be happy, and to finally read about him being happy in this book is truly everything, it's definitely worth the wait, and what a joy it was to read. It's so so good to read about Benji being happy, that I want to inject it into my veins. And as much as I hate that he's killed off at the end, in a way I'm also glad because in this book he seemed to be the most contented we've ever known him. Also, he died the way he lived: protecting other people. We all know how in Beartown (Book 1) he had protected Kevin in and out of the ice all throughout their friendship until the rape, then in Us Against You (Book 2) he protected Leo, and in this book he died protecting Alicia. Because that's just the kind of person he had always been: a protector, someone who runs towards a burning building to save other people. How can your heart not break for him?

I know I said in the review of Us Against You:

Well, I’m not rioting because now, I have peace with his tragic ending. As much as I hoped that he didn't die and wished for him to find someone he can be happy with, and spend the rest of his life with, and for them to live together happily ever after, I can appreciate Backman's choice to kill him off in this book. His death is a powerful lesson for the whole town of Beartown, and I can't even be mad at Matteo, for pulling the trigger and shot the bullet that killed Benji. It's the failure of the entire town that drove him to this point, and now they have to pay dearly. Benji had lived such a tremendous life in such a short time that the whole town mourned his passing, and he had such a big heart that everyone in that town loved him. It's not everyday that a character in a book gets me to be this emotional about them passing, while simultaneously accepting it and have peace with it. He's in the Elite Characters Heaven now, with Rin (TPW), Kelsier, Vin and Elend (Mistborn) and others. They're guardian angels now.

Now, what I wish we get in this book that I didn't get is the stories about Benji's travels. I do think that Benji's been transformed, even if just a little because he's still his awesome self, but he's been transformed by his travels nonetheless, and the little glimpses of it that we get in this book is waayyy too small. I understand that Backman already had too many stories to fit into this book, and there are new characters that we need to get to know too, but I just need more Benji.

One of the saddest things about Benji in this book is the way that he's still haunted by Kevin, even after two years and thousands of miles away from home, but still he blames himself and can't seem to mentally let go of Kevin. Knowing that Kevin was his first love, best friend, and the love of his life, it hurts too much to touch with words. And the way that Benji still blames himself for Kevin raping Maya. As if it was his responsibility to keep Kevin behaving appropriately towards women. There are so many times I just want to yell at him "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, BABE!!!" like Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting, lol.

I mean, my guy needed to see a therapist, like, yesterday. He needed it so freaking bad. How I hope he had at least seen a therapist, how different his life would have been like. Oh, if only...

Benji and Alicia's unlikely friendship is something that I didn't know I needed in my life. I mean, inject it straight into my veins. Every time these two are having a cute interaction I just have the biggest smile on my face, like an idiot. Their friendship takes the prize in this book, beating Maya and Ana's and even Amat and Bobo's, and that's saying a lot, if you've read my review of Beartown and Us Against You. My favourite moment of theirs is a tie between that scene where they lay down on the ice together and Benji taught Alicia to not be scared, and that scene where they just said "Hi bestieee" to each other. I mean, just look at the material:

"Adri drives through the forest and stops on the slope above the campervan. She has Alicia with her, the girl rushes down through the trees and throws herself into Benji’s arms.

“Hi best friend,” Benji whispers.

“Hi best friend,” she giggles back."

It's pure serotonin for me. Every time I get sad, I'll just read that and I'll be happy again.

And Alicia's not the only lucky soul to have Benji as her friend, Maya and Ana are also so lucky to have been besties with him in this book. But especially Maya, I feel like she and Benji have an even tighter bond in this book, since in the last two books we didn't get a lot of interactions between them. So, I was a little taken aback when I read about how Maya ran and hugged him the first time she saw him at Ramona's funeral, because it feels like a long time friendship's reunion. Did they keep in touch and get closer since they last saw each other in Beartown? I wish we knew. Nonetheless, their friendship tugged at my heartstrings, and I adore them together. The kind of friendship where you just wish for a happy ending for each other is so wholesome and precious that I think people who truly have that are the luckiest ones among us. I strive to be one of them too.

It's also great to know that Benji and Ana are great friends now, that Benji has forgiven her and Ana has learned her lesson and is now a better person. Their friendship hits different for me, because to Ana, Benji was a crush, then he's a boy who broke her heart, then he's her victim because she outed him against his wills, and now, he's one of her best friends. And for Benji too, Ana was someone he sympathized with because of her drunk father, then she was the one that outed him, and now she's one of his best friends too. Their friendship taught me a lot about forgiveness, specifically to forgive people's mistakes and believe that people can really change and be better if they're given the chance to.

Benji's friendship with Amat and Bobo too. They have my whole heart, these boys. They keep on cheering and motivate each other on, and even though they were separated for two years but when they see each other again it was like they've never been apart, and their chemistry's still as strong as ever, even though all three of them have changed and grown a lot since they last see each other. That scene where Benji and Amat were helping Bobo courting Tess by playing with her brothers, and that scene when Benji were "hyping" Amat up to come back to practice for Beartown Hockey team, and that scene in the forest when they were camping and Benji were accompanying Amat and the Bobo pee on a tree, these are the moments that keep me going these last few days. I cherish those moments so much.

Now, Benji's friendship with Aleksander/Big City is one that made my heart flutter a little. I do sense a kind of a "vibe" between these two, and I get the feeling that Benji might actually have a crush on him, but it sucks that the guy's straight, lol. But I did enjoy it so much, how their friendship blossomed in such a short time. I love how Benji was the first real friend for Big City, because of course he is, someone with such a big wild heart and the most beautiful smile like Benji's could be anyone's friend.

I've said in my review of Us Against You that my ultimate ship in this trilogy is Benji and Happiness, and in Ch. 69 - Leaders, Ch. 70 - Players & Ch. 72 - Campers, my ship is SAILING. I even cried out of pure happiness for Benji. I knew that after those chapters, everything was gonna go downhill for him, Backman was being too generous, all of the characters that I love are happy and well, so something horrible must be waiting to happen to them soon. But I appreciate those happy moments so much. I hope we can all pretend that those three chapters last forever, or the book ends right there with everyone being happy. But you can't have happiness if you don't know suffering, I guess.

AMAT. My sweet baby boy who's not so much a baby anymore in this book. He's a grown man now, and although he's no stranger to adversities (literally, the guy's an immigrant POC who's trying to make it in the predominantly white sport, in a predominantly white town), he's about to face them at the next level in this book, and oh boy was it hard to read. I think he's got the reverse of a glow up in this book, he got a character regression, and it's heartbreaking to read. What I expected to read about him in this book is him being happy, being the best hockey player, playing in the NHL, making his mom proud, happy and able to retire from cleaning the rink, and just living their best life together. Pretty much the exact opposite of what we actually get of him in the beginning to middle of this book.

Amat got "hustled" by Lev and didn't get drafted into the NHL because of him, he became a drunk and was depressed after he got back home, the people of Beartown blamed him for faking his injuries and making the team lose the championship. I feel like, yes, we did get significantly more of Amat in this book, which is great and just what I wanted since the first two previous books, BUT NOT LIKE THIS. My guy's really struggling here and it's hard to read through the tears. It's as if Backman said, "Okay, I hear ya, here's more Amat, BUT HE'S GONNA SUFFER MUAHAHAHAHHA"

Suffice it to say, I cried while reading about him in the beginning, A LOT, and my heart was shattered.

JK, I still love you, Backman.

What's really bugging me about Amat's character regression is that it seems like, other than his own mother, and sometimes Peter, he doesn't really have a support system. Which is why I'm so mad that Lifa and Zacharias disappeared in this book, because they were such an amazing support system for Amat in Us Against You, they gave him a freaking army when he lost his hockey team, they pushed him to keep training and not give up on his dream. WHERE THE HELL ARE LIFA AND ZACHARIAS, BACKMAN? Are they being kept hostage in a basement somewhere?!!! I need to know, not only for Amat's sake, but I genuinely care about them both, and I was hoping to get more of them in this book. Okay, I'll save this rant for the criticism part of the review. Anyway, I feel like everyone, other than his mom and Peter, had failed him. Zackell, Bobo, Mumble, his team, even other people in Beartown like Tails, and Sune failed Amat, but I feel like the person to blame the most is Zackell.

I think the blame should be on Zackell for Amat getting burned out like he was in the beginning of the book because she should have looked out for him. Zackell was able to detect Filip's shoulder pain in Us Against You, but her own player, nay, not just any player, but her own STAR PLAYER she didn't know had a badly injured wrist?! Is that an exaggerated overlook or what? And she should have cared for Amat more, visited his home, and had a talk with him. There's just so much she could have done to help Amat, it's so frustrating. I get that she lacks social cues and is very awkward but we get to see her care about Benji, and about Bobo, but Amat she didn't care enough to visit and talk things through? To this day, I can't bring myself to like her.

Hard as it was though, in the end I'm happy with Amat's character arc in this book, because I feel that there's an element of a realistic depiction of the immigrant struggle in Amat's story in the beginning of the book. I know that a lot of immigrants every where in the world are pushing themselves so hard to be the "model minority", trying their hardest to not cause any problems, and to always be grateful for the new life in the new country. And they try to excel and contribute something great for their new community because they feel indebted to their community, just like how Fatima is always grateful no matter how hard she and Amat have it in Beartown, and so she taught Amat to also always be grateful too. I can imagine it being very taxing on a person. And for Amat, to be pressured by everyone to win every game, like he owes it to them to bring victory home, and be blamed for the losses, as if he's responsible for how his teammates play in the games too. No wonder his love for hockey slowly turns to hate, I would hate it too if I were him.

I did not appreciate that scare where Backman was insinuating that Fatima is going to die. I was already devastated and I was screaming, crying, kicking, and throwing up, but then Backman did what he does best, and said, "SYKE!!!" 😂🤪🤡🤭 And I was like 😭😭😭 PLEASE SIR, SOME OF US HAVE CRIPPLING ANXIETY, HAVE MERCY. However, I'd be Backman's lawyer for a moment and say that maybe Backman just wanted us to feel what Amat felt when he was looking for his Mom in the middle of a storm and found her in a ditch, so we understand his dread, because it took him out of his slump.

I love that despite everything he's been through, Amat still got back up, and then he got to thank and acknowledge Peter for all his help, and even though we didn't get to know or get to read much of it (which is criminal), he gets to become an NHL player, just like he had always dreamed of being.

MAYA. Let's check in with my No. 1 girl now. Well, Maya is doing great. Well, as great as she can be anyway, as she's still dealing with the PTSD from the rape. But other than that, Maya is moving up in the world, she's striving in her music school, she's living her best life in the big city, away from her family, and childhood friends, but also the people who only knew her as the rape victim. Maya finally get her chance to live her life freely, without people defining her only by the horrible thing that happened to her. Now, I have to be honest and say that there's not much to Maya's story in this book, unlike in Beartown and Us Against You. Although I do think that Maya has grown stronger and wiser in this book, she's less of a main character in this book compared to the previous two. The most exciting part of Maya's story in this book is when she was being secretly interrogated by an undercover reporter for the exposé of the corruption of the Beartown Hockey Club and its district council. And then later at the very end of the book when she took Alicia out of the rink, away from Benji's lifeless body.

However, I have to point out that I did enjoy so much reading about how much Maya has matured into such an amazing young woman in this book, she even helped her mom and dad with their issues. And even though there's not much Leo, nor Maya and Leo bonding moments in this book, that little scene where Maya busted him smoking cigarettes but then she herself asks for two cigarettes to keep quiet from their parents, it's so sweet and just shows how much both of them have grown up.

Her songs still slap so hard, and I love them so freaking much, but especially that song about that last game Benji played, that song took the wind right out of me when I reread it after I finished reading the book. I wish Backman had commissioned a musician to make it into a real song, it would be one hell of a soul crushing banger, for sure. But, for now I just have to make do with songs that have the most similar vibes to her songs, I guess. It's Spring Day by BTS and Who Knows by P!nk on repeat for me, I guess.

In the end, when Maya took Alicia away from Benji's lifeless body and held her outside of the rink, it's one of the most powerful things I've ever read. What a way to tie it all together in the end, because I think that one of the most prominent theme of the whole trilogy is female empowerment, and that one of the strongest message of the trilogy is that the biggest downfall of hockey is the misogyny and how toxic the winning culture is, not only to the athletes, but also to the people around them and their community. Maya was the first KNOWN victim of the toxic winning culture that was nurtured into the young athletes in Beartown, and Alicia lost her best friend due to the violence that was resulted from the victim-blaming and victim-silencing culture that the town had. The main moral message is, when we discriminate against one gender over the other, we ALL lose, we all pay the price. Also, when we don't say or do anything after we witness or know something that's morally wrong, we indirectly endorse it. That's why we need more people like Amat, who stood up for Maya, and people like Benji who supported Maya and condemned Kevin's actions, even though he's the love of his life, same as Kevin's mom who apologized directly to Maya. And so, that scene with all of those women holding Maya and Alicia is so powerful, it's like they're saying, no more, we will not let any more of our friends, sisters, and daughters fall victim, as we will protect and save each other from harm. I love that so much.

ANA. My fighter queen. I had such a great time reading about her in this book. I think she's more of a main character than Maya in this book, for the first time. I mean, this book really is about people who run towards fire, and that's why Ana shines so bright in this book, because that's what she is. When she drove Hannah through the forest in the middle of a storm to help someone deliver a baby, I thought, of course that is something she would do. It seems very fitting and in character for her, because we know ever since she was a child she had always been that kind of person. That's how she met Maya, she rescued her from drowning and being froze to death. However, I legit thought that she was going to die when she was helping Hannah get to that couple and then when she was driving them to the hospital, that's how severe my trust issue with Backman is. Thank God nobody died in that scene. Anyway, the fact that the couple named their newborn son Vidar in honor of Ana's Vidar is just...

I'm just a sucker for tragic love stories, and Ana and Vidar's never fail to wreck me emotionally no matter how many times I read about them in Us Against You, so to read about the baby being named Vidar, I literally had to take a break because it just hit me in the guts.

But back to Ana now, I think she just becomes more awesome in this book. She didn't get a glow up, nor did she go to a school in the big city like Maya, but I still feel that she just becomes more badass and awesome in this book. I think that it's criminal that we didn't get much of her martial arts career in this book, but I'm grateful for what we have of her in this book.

In the end part of the book, in that scene where Ana and Lev took her father home, and created an alibi for her father so he won't be criminally charged for Matteo's murder, and Ana was crying as she get drunk for the last time, it's so fucking heartbreaking. (Here we'll have to talk about having the same moral and ethical standard towards our family and loved ones as we do towards other people, but in this case I personally think that what Ana's dad did was justified since Matteo was shooting up the locker room and took Benji's life, which is an innocent's life, so I think Ana's dad shooting Matteo down can be seen as defense, but I'm not familiar with the law in Sweden, maybe what he did can be criminally charged, so I don't have any qualms about Ana and Lev protecting him, even though they're lying to the police, but that's just my opinion) Ana's dad saved other people in that locker room from being shot by Matteo, and he gave Matteo a quick death too, and Ana just lost one of her best friend and she must also be so fucking scared that her dad will be held in prison for the rest of his life for what he did. I really feel for her in that scene, I just want to give her the biggest hug and tell her that everything's gonna be okay.

I love Ana's relationship with Hannah, I love how awkward they both are towards each other but also how much they care about and love each other. Also, her wanting to be an ambulance helicopter pilot came out of left field, but also so in character for her. In the end, I love her character's arc and her story, she's such a free spirited and badass character that she'll fit perfectly with a group of my other fave badass and strong protagonists: Toph Beifong (ATLA), Fang Runin (TPW), Vin (Mistborn), Lift (The Stormlight Archive). I also love how her dad is finally sober again, and hopefully he'll be able to keep being sober for the rest of their lives.

PETER AND KIRA. Everyone's favorite couple is STILL having a hard time in this book. I thought by the end of Us Against You, their problems had been resolved but NOPE. It's as existent as ever and they even avoid each other now, even though they work at the same office, a few feet from each other. As a child of a broken home, this was NOT fun to read.

Reading about Peter feeling not needed in the office and in his own home is heartbreaking, but him baking bread all the time is SO FREAKING CUTE. I found him to be so charming when I found out that he likes to bake and share his baked goods with others, it's so freaking wholesome. I liked him when he was the Beartown Hockey Team's GM, but why do I like him more when he bakes and just being a wholesome person. I feel sorry for him, but there's no shame in being a stay at home dad and husband who loves baking, though. I just hope that he and Kira could have communicated better so things wouldn't have to be that bad.

I love when he tried to help Amat with the whole NHL draft situation and when he felt happy that he could help in any way with Beartown hockey club, so he helped Zackell in recruiting Big City. It's kinda sad, I know, especially with Tails, his supposed best friend secretly abused his naiveté and trust that Peter could have been criminally charged and be kept in prison, and him feeling not wanted anywhere, so he really cherished what little joy he could get from hockey. But I think all of that just builds up his character even more, and although he doesn't really have a character arc as he was a consistently good character all throughout the trilogy, he kept having to overcome all of these adversities and I believe he's an even better and stronger man now because of them.

As for Kira, I'm so proud of her for going to therapy, that means she's willing and actively seeking out help to work things out with her husband. She did have her moments of being hard headed and too proud to start talking things out with Peter, or rather she didn't know how to, but in the end she came around because of the love they have for each other is too strong. She is truly goals, because not only she's girl boss, but what makes her even greater is that though she made mistakes, she worked hard to learn and make up for those mistakes. I love that about her. She's honestly such a remarkable woman, wife and mother.

Reading about her feeling guilty all the time because she blamed herself for her marital issues and not being a good enough mother is heartbreaking, because that just shows how much she actually cares and wants to be better, even though she's an already amazing mom and wife. Every time she thinks about Isak, I just start crying because that pain is so real and Backman is just a master of writing emotions like these.

I also love it so much when she finally decided to close her successful business law firm and open new one non profit law firm to advocate for rape survivors. And her friendship with her work partner is just friendship goals. And her wanting to help and mentor Tess because she saw her young self in her is just beautiful. I love all of these women so much.

BOBO. The one with the best character arc of this whole trilogy. Just when I thought this boy couldn't be any better, Backman proves me wrong. He's the ultimate boyfriend goals in this book, and he is just so freaking endearing and cute with Tess. His and Tess's love story is the cutest, I just wanna burst when I read about these two.

I know I said that he failed Amat earlier, but let's also acknowledge how Amat also brushed him aside constantly but Bobo was never one to hold grudges, which is so admirable of him. So when they made up, their friendship is still as heartwarming as ever, and that Lupines scene is so wholesome. These two are still my fave friendship in this trilogy, well, maybe after Alicia and Benji's friendship.

RAMONA. Trust her to still be iconic even from beyond the grave. Can you believe that she made Peter and Teemu brothers even after she died? The influence this woman has, I swear.

THAT FUNERAL SCENE AND PETER'S EULOGY... DRINK MY TEARS

I don't even care about QEII's death, but this Queen's death right here, we truly need 100 days in mourning for her passing, because how could we cope without her??!!!

Peter, Teemu, Vidar, and Benji were Ramona's sons, no one can tell me otherwise.

TEEMU. Did I become his stan because of this book? Yes. Yes, I did. How could I not? Like I said about The Pack in the previous review, he might be a psycho, but he's OUR psycho. No, he's actually the antihero. Also, he just lost Ramona in the beginning of this book, who had been a parental figure for him, and he tragically lost his only brother two years ago, the man deserves a big warm hug.

I am sad that he didn't end up with Adri, Benji's sister, because I shipped them, but I'm happy for him nevertheless when it was revealed in the end that he has a son who likes soccer.

He has been such an interesting morally grey character in this trilogy and you know I love my morally grey characters, and I'm adding him to my list of fave antihero characters.

Also, The Pack are still as violent as ever when they attacked Hed when they mocked Bang the dog's death at that hockey game, but I just can't help but love them. What other group of men would go absolutely feral like that to defend deceased dog? They're the type of guys who love something or someone so strongly and unconditionally, that it made them lethal, and I think that is so sweet.

I also love when The Pack gave Peter a bouquet of flowers to give to Kira because she was helping the club legally. They're all as sweet as cinnamon rolls at heart.

RUTH. When I think back how mad and devastated I was reading about Maya in Beartown (Book 1), it makes me so much more mad now because Ruth's story makes me realize how good Maya actually had it, that there are so many others who had it so much worse, like Ruth, and I'm heartbroken for all of them. It's not a competition, no one has monopoly on trauma, it's fucking awful that these women went through something so horrible, I just wish there was someone who could have supported Ruth, and others like her, and help them go through all of the process like how Maya had Ana and her family. Ruth's story is so painful and heart-shattering to read, but sadly it's accurate to a LOT of real life rape cases.

If anything, Ruth's story highlighted the importance of having a support system, loving and supportive family, friends and allies who care, speak up and stand up for the rape victims.

MATTEO. I desperately want to hate him, for what he did, but I can't. How can I when I know he's hurting too, and I understand a little too much about how hurt people hurt other people. I still remember so much about how Leo was doing self harm and looking to get into trouble in Us Against You, because he felt so much rage and pain for all of the fucked up shits his sister had to go through and how every one around them seem to fail her. And I think, if you've ever loved someone, you will be able to understand his pain and frustrations. Also, keep in mind that he's only 14 years old, and he has no one to talk to, no friends, and his parents are mentally checked out from reality, and other people never seem to notice him in Beartown. Knowing all of that, it's very hard to blame and hate him, instead I just feel so sorry for him.

Even Backman pointed out how things would have turned out to be if only one person had noticed Matteo:

"Then Matteo gets back on the moped and drives home to Beartown. It breaks down halfway. He stands at the side of the road waving at passing cars for help, but those who see him don’t stop, and those who might have stopped don’t see him. One of the vehicles that drives past in the other direction is a police car. How differently this story might have ended if it hadn’t just driven past on its way, because the police were hurrying to get to a reported gunfire incident at a parking lot in town. Then Rodri would have been the only person who died."

It reminded me of this story from a great Youtube video, where a psychotherapist is interviewing someone who was going to shoot people at their school, the person said that what had stopped him from realizing his intention of shooting up his school is a girl who was adamant on being his friend, because she had noticed that he was being bullied, so that one act of kindness from the girl (along with the things the person learned from his studies and the internet that open up his mind more about the world) was able to put a stop to his deadly and extremely destructive plan to shoot up his school, and I just marvel at how amazing and inspiring that is. Imagine if Matteo had that too, there would never have been a shooting at the rink, and nobody would have died.

Matteo really didn't have to kill Bang the dog, though.

MUMBLE. My initial reaction when I learned the truth about him and how he didn't stand up for Ruth was shocked, nay, FLABBERGASTED. And the, RAGE. I mean, I liked him, I was rooting for him.

I WAS FUCKING ROOTING FOR YOU, but all this time you were a coward who didn't stand up and speak up for Ruth?!!! I was beyond disappointed.

HOWEVER!! I quickly realize Backman was right when he wrote a lot of us are cowards, and a lot of us probably would have done the same thing as Mumble, and that Amat was an anomaly for being so brave and stood up and spoke up for Maya, so who am I to judge Mumble when I maybe would have done the same thing? Of course we all like to think that we would have been brave enough to speak up in defense of those who need it, and I truly hope we are, but until we are tested ourselves, who are we to judge Mumble?

Also, this is every introverts' worst nightmare, Mumble was in the wrong place at the wrong place (at the night of the rape), which is why he couldn't speak up to defend Ruth, on top of the threats from Ruth's rapist, and he had chosen a wrong company to keep. Yeah, I think that's his biggest mistake, that he kept being friends with that trash. I know Ruth's rapist wasn't a bad person when Mumble first met him, but how I wish that Mumble had dropped him completely when he turned bad and toxic, since Mumble couldn't do anything to save him from his toxicity, nor was it his job to. It reminds me of the importance of keeping the right companies, and not being scared of cutting out toxic people out of my life. Although, I understand that mumble really had a problem with expressing himself and he had almost zero personal agency, which is probably why he kept being friends with Ruth's rapist and couldn't get away from him, which is so fucking horrible, and if that's actually the case then Mumble's completely not to blame. I don't know, he was just in such a horrible situation, he was trapped, and some would even argue that he's also a victim of Ruth's rapist, and I feel so bad for him.

In the end, I'm heartbroken that he had to "go into the forest and never come out".

SUNE. My sweet wise old man. Truthfully, I'm sad that there's so little of him here, but glad to know that he's still around. It's sad though, that he's mostly here for the Bang being killed storyline. Well at least he wasn't at the two games where the violence happened, so he didn't get hurt.

It's also great that Sune's still Alicia's guardian, at least she still has him and Benji's sisters and Mom.

As much as I love this book, I do have some criticisms…

While I do think that adding new characters to the story is a great move as they add a fresh and new perspective, I do feel sad that old characters from the first two books are being excluded in this book. Characters like Lifa, Zacharias, Jeannette, William, David, and Filip, that I think should be present in the story in this book. Like I feel like Lifa and Zacharias would never let Amat get to his lowest point as he was in the earlier part of this book, since we know in Us Against You that they gave him an army so he won't give up on his dream and hockey. And what happened to Jeannette? Is she still coaching Ana? And we know that David cared a lot about Benji, how did he react when he knew about what happened to Benji? And didn't he and William and Filip leave Beartown hockey club to play for Hed? Why aren't they present in this book, since Hed's hockey played a pretty big role in the conflict? Maybe they have moved on to coach and play at bigger hockey clubs (it might be mentioned in the book, but I couldn't remember it and I didn't make note of it) which is why they didn't appear in this book, but still. I get that there may be too many characters in this book, and the new characters are important and necessary to the story, but to completely write these old characters off feels very weird to me. Not to mention that I was excited and expecting to get more of Lifa and Zacharias in this book, so this is a big let down for me. Is losing all of these characters worth having the new characters? I don't know. I love most of the new characters, but not getting any Lifa and Zacharias blows so hard.

I wish there were more Hockey games, the two actual games we get in this book, the violence got in the way of it actually being played. I miss the hockey games like the ones in Beartown (Book 1). But at least we get that practice game scene with Amat, Big City, Mumble, Bobo, Benji and Peter playing, and it was one of the best scenes in this book.

So many short chapters in this book. I think Backman could have added more to them and made this book even thicc-er, which would make this book even better, IMO. Like, don't be shy Fredrik, make it 1000 pages, please.

My favourite moments from the book:

When Ana bonded with Hannah after she delivered the baby during that storm

When Amat and Bobo run together again for the first time in a while, where Bobo told him that he's like Lupines because he's so strong and unbreakable, and Amat apologized to Bobo, and Amat hoped that Bobo will be a father in the future because he has such a big heart and a short memory which are the two best qualities for a father

When Peter and Teemu bonded like brothers after Ramona's death

The Gang's reunion at Ramona's funeral (Benji, Maya, Ana, Bobo, Amat, Mumble)

All of Benji and Alicia scenes, where they're being the best besties ever

When Bobo, Amat, Mumble and Benji went to Tess's house, Bobo and Tess made dinner, and Amat, Mumble and Benji played and bonded with Tobias, Ted and Ture

That fun after practice game with Amat, Big City, Mumble, Bobo, Benji and Peter playing, and Maya, Ana, Sune, the caretaker and Fatima were watching and all of them were super happy and full of life and laughter

That camping night where Benji and Maya were being the cutest besties, with Big City, Maya, Ana, Bobo, Amat and Mumble

When Bobo told Johnny that it's not up to him whom Tess dates and he knows he doesn't deserve Tess and he would never hold her back from achieving and realizing her dreams and aspirations

When Kira told her colleague and Maya that she wants to give up their current firm and open up a new non-profit one to help rape survivors like Maya, and so Tess could one day work there too, and her colleague told her that she's gonna join and help with with that

When Kira and Peter finally talked honestly and openly for the first time in a while and seem to be working on their marriage and their family.

My favorite quotes from the book:

"Naive dreams are love’s last line of defense, so somehow we always convince ourselves that no terrible tragedies will ever afflict those we love, and that our people will succeed in escaping fate. For their sakes we dream of eternal life, we wish for superpowers and try to build time machines. We hope. Dear God, how we hope."

"Do you want to understand people? Really understand them? Then you need to know all the best that we are capable of."

"It took chaos to set him free, loneliness to stop him being alone."

"People say that age brings wisdom, but for most of us that really isn’t true, when we get old we’ve just accumulated more experiences, good and bad. The result is more likely to be cynicism than wisdom. When we’re young we know nothing about all the very worst that can hit us, which is just as well, because otherwise we’d never leave the house.

And we would definitely never let go of those we love."

"“You know a lot about men for someone so young.”

“They just think we want them to protect us the whole goddamn time, as if we need their fucking protection,” Ana snorts."

"Every now and then their dad gently puts one hand on his sons’ and daughter’s backs, one at a time, to make sure they’re still breathing. There’s no good reason to suspect that they aren’t, but there’s nothing reasonable about being a parent. The only thing everyone said when he was about to become a father was: “Don’t worry.” What a meaningless thing to say. There’s an immensity of love that bursts from your chest the first time you hear your child cry, every emotion you’ve ever felt is amplified to the point of absurdity, children open floodgates inside us, upward as well as down. You’ve never felt so happy, and never felt so scared. Don’t say “don’t worry” to someone in that position. You can’t love someone like this without worrying about everything, forever. It hurts your chest at times, a real, physical pain that makes Johnny bend over and gasp for breath. His skeleton creaks, his body aches, love never has enough space. He should have known better than to have four children, he should have thought about it, but everyone said “don’t worry,” and he’s always been an easily persuaded idiot. Thank goodness. We fool ourselves that we can protect the people we love, because if we accepted the truth we’d never let them out of our sight."

"“Home.”

There really ought to be several different words for that, one for the place and one for the people, because after enough years a person’s relationship to their town becomes more and more like a marriage. Both are held together by stories of what we have in common, the little things no one else knows about, the private jokes that only we think are funny, and that very particular laugh that you only laugh for me. Falling in love with a place and falling in love with a person are related adventures. At first we run around street corners giggling and explore every inch of each other’s skin, over the years we get to know every cobblestone and strand of hair and snore, and the waters of time soften our passion into unfailing love, and in the end the eyes we wake up next to and the horizon outside our window are the same thing: home.

So there ought to be two words for that, one for the home which can carry you through your darkest moments, and one for the home which binds you. Because sometimes we stay in towns and marriages simply because we would otherwise have no story. We have too much in common. We think no one else would be able to under-stand us."

"“That’s because you don’t get it. We’re your mothers. We loved you first. Maybe everyone else loves you now, but we loved you first.”

“Doesn’t feeling like that make you a good mother?”

“It just makes me a mother.”

The psychologist chuckled.

“Well, you’re right about that, of course. I’m almost sixty and my mom still worries that I’m not eating properly.”

Kira raised her chin but lowered her voice.

“We’re your mothers. You can’t stop us.”"

"Most people don’t know when their childhood ends, but this girl will always know exactly.

Maya remembers the hospital, after the rape, when her own mom wanted to murder the whole town and her dad whispered: “What can I do?” and all Maya could manage to say was: “Love me.” It’s a terrible moment for all kids when we realize that our parents can’t protect us. That we won’t be able to protect our own. That the whole world can come and take us whenever it likes."

"So instead she calls the only person she’s got, the only person she’s always had, because that’s the question a crisis asks us: Who’s your person? She calls Ana."

"“You get success by having extremely high integrity but absolutely zero prestige. Because integrity is about who you are, whereas prestige is only about what other people think of you.” The man often thinks that this might be true in sports, but when you’re talking about the survival of a town the opposite is true: prestige is everything."

"Everything that happens in childhood is a postcard that parents send to themselves. Things are never quite the way we remember them."

"Maya chewed the rest of her chocolate ball slowly for a long time before she dared ask: “Do you miss Isak every day?” Peter kissed her hair. “Yes, all the time,” he admitted. “I want to miss him too, but I don’t really even remember him,” Maya replied unhappily. “I think you can miss him just as much anyway,” her dad assured her. “How does it feel?” she asked. “Like having blisters in your heart,” he said."

"Our children never warn us that they’re thinking of growing up, one day they’re just too big to want to hold our hand, it’s just as well we never know when the last time is going to be or we’d never let go. They drive you mad when they’re little, yelling every time you leave the room, because you don’t realize at the time that whenever someone yells “Daddy!” that means you’re important. It’s hard to get used to not being important."

"“Home.” There really ought to be more words for that. One to cover the people we have there, another with room for those we have lost."

"One of the first things she learned was that up to forty percent of all young bears die during their first year of life, and that the most common cause of death was being killed by an adult male bear that wasn’t their father. That was when Fatima realized that one day she would have to be a bear as well, when someone threatened her offspring. So she fought for his right to be a carefree bear, naive and untroubled, like all the others. For him to be able to play and have fun. Because, to be honest, not even she believed that Amat would become as good as he did, that he would make it “all the way,” she just loved the fact that he didn’t have to think on the ice. He had no pain there, he was free, that was enough."

"People can bury so many of their loved ones during a lifetime and still get up the morning after, but something inside gets a bit heavier each time. She’s had more than a few mornings when she’s woken up and wondered if she can be bothered to get up once more."

"The end of life is as unstoppable as its beginning, we can’t stop the first and last breaths we take any more than we can stop the wind."

"The most unbearable thing about death is that the world just goes on. Time doesn’t care. "

"He takes a cigarette from the packet on the bedside table and smokes with her one last time. He suddenly starts laughing, because she looks so angry, even when she’s dead. If she’s in any sort of Heaven now, Vidar is also there, and his little brother will be getting one hell of a telling-off for daring to die before her, he thinks. Then he gently closes the old woman’s eyes and pats her on the cheek, and whispers:

“Say hi to the little shit. And Holger.”"

"People talk about “coming out” as if it’s something you only do once, but obviously you never run out of new people, so you keep having to come out and come out until you snap."

"When they were little they did everything together, Benji never left Kevin’s side. When some boys find their first best friend it’s the first real love of their lives, they just don’t know what falling in love is yet, so that’s how they learn what love is: it feels like climbing trees, it feels like jumping in puddles, it feels like having one single person in your life who you don’t even want to play hide-and-seek with because you can’t bear being without him for a single minute. For most boys this infatuation obviously fades as the years pass, but for some it never does. Benji traveled right across the world but never found a single place where he could stop hating himself for still loving Kevin."

"Benji was Kevin’s best friend, and Kevin was the love of Benji’s life."

"We all have a hundred fake personalities depending upon who we’re with. We pretend and dissemble and stifle ourselves just to fit in. The very last words Benji said to Kevin the last time they saw each other were: “I hope you find him: the Kevin you’re looking for.” He doesn’t know if Kevin ever did. Benji has been looking for a Kevin he can put up with, but hasn’t succeeded yet."

"A common misconception about dangerous people is that they lack emotions. That they aren’t sentimental. That’s almost never true, often the most sentimental and sensitive people are the most dangerous, because they’re not only capable of abuse, but can also justify it. Sensitive people never feel that they’re doing the wrong thing because their feelings always convince them that they’re on the right side."

"Over the past few years he’s heard so much about what a “talent” he is, but the people who use that word know nothing about hockey. They say “talent” as if it comes for free. As if Amat hadn’t been the first person at the ice rink every morning and last to leave ever since he started junior high school, as if he hadn’t trained harder than everyone else year after year, covering thousands of miles on his skates, running until he threw up, dribbling empty cans at home in the apartment until his hands were blistered and the neighbors furious. As if hockey hadn’t cost him precisely what it costs everyone who wants to be any good: everything.

The one thing he has learned about talent is that the only sort of talent that’s worth anything is to submit totally to training. To tough it out."

"Hannah can’t go home until the road is cleared, but Johnny can’t go home because he’s the one clearing the road. That pretty much sums up their relationship, both to each other and to their community. Hannah once heard a marriage guidance counselor on television say that “the important thing in a marriage is to have shared goals and to keep facing the same direction,” but she often thinks that the problem with that is that if you’re both facing the same direction, you never see each other."

"He drank away the whole of her childhood, yet she still wanted to do the same job as him. Never underestimate a dad who’s trying to be forgiven, he’s capable of anything."

"Where you are born and who you become is a cruel lottery. He wonders exactly what it was that divided him and his sister from happiness, and if it is even possible to measure all the “if only”s and “if that hadn’t”s, because when it comes down to it, that’s really all life is."

"Parents who lose a child never trust the universe again."

"Tales of boys and their fathers are the same in every age, in every place. We love each other, hate each other, miss each other, hold each other back, but we can never live unaffected by each other. We try to be men and never really know how. The tales about us who live here are the same sort of tales that are told about everyone, everywhere, we think we’re in charge of the way they unfold but of course that happens unbearably seldom. They just carry us wherever they want to go. Some of them will have happy endings, and some of them will end exactly the way we were always afraid they would."

"One simple, painful truth for all teenagers is that their lives are rarely defined by what they do, what really matters is what they almost do."

"They roar with laughter. Roar and roar. Two minutes, and everything is normal. The same jibes, the same laughter, the same tattoos on their arms: guitars and rifles. The musician and the hunter. Never have two girls with so little in common been so inseparable. They talk at the same time, sisterhood’s capacity for simultaneity, neither of them ever has to shut up to hear what the other is saying."

"“I love you, you stupid donkey! You’re the only person I know who apologizes for being here while you’re here! Seriously? You can hardly be more here than HERE, can you?”

Maya holds her best friend so tightly that her lungs hurt.

“I miss you so damn much.”

“You’re actually HOLDING me, you donkey!”

“Shut up!”

How do other people bear it, Maya wonders, how do they live without an Ana? How the hell do people cope?"

"“Peter used to get beaten at home if he so much as spilled his milk. Benji didn’t dare tell anyone he was gay. Amat is the cleaner’s son in the rich kids’ sport. All the best players have a darkness inside them, that’s why they end up the best, they think the darkness will disappear if they can just win enough times…”"

"He’s fourteen now, and his sister always told him that this age was the worst, that people were at their worst then, she said he just had to survive these years. But of course she was the one who didn’t do that. She said he could be anything he wanted to be, but he can’t now. Because he wants to be happy."

"He stops like a rat trapped in a corner, turns around, ready for anything. The men in black jackets have left the gate and are walking straight toward him. He has been loved by them but he’s also been hated, the way only someone who has been loved can be, when they found out about all his secrets. Once he symbolized everything they wanted Beartown to be: everyone feared him and he feared no one. He was just a boy then, but he was their man on the ice. Their warrior. Theirs. The roar that can rise up from a stand full of men in black jackets when you’re full of adrenaline and throwing yourself at the Plexiglas is something Benji has never felt anywhere else, because it doesn’t exist anywhere else. How many times has he wished that he could have stayed there? That the truth had never come out? Warriors are supposed to love other men, not fall in love with them."

"But there’s incalculable loss in his eyes, in all the men’s eyes. The skin of their faces is swollen with alcohol, drowned inside to stop them drowning in tears outside. They belonged to Ramona, she belonged to them, most of them were closer to the old bag than their own parents. So even humor isn’t a defense now, it’s an act of defiance, you’re not getting us, bastard grief."

"“Marriage.”

There ought to be a different word for it once you’ve been married for enough years. When you’ve long since passed the point where it stopped feeling like a choice. I no longer choose you every morning, that was a beautiful thing we said on our wedding day, I just can’t imagine life without you now. We aren’t freshly blooming flowers, we’re two trees with intertwined roots, you’ve grown old within me.

When you’re young you believe that love is infatuation, but infatuation is simple, any child can become infatuated, fall in love. But real love? Love is a job for an adult. Love demands a whole person, all the best of you, all the worst. It has nothing to do with romance, because the hard part of a marriage isn’t that I have to live seeing all your faults, but that you have to live with me seeing them. That I know everything about you now. Most people aren’t brave enough to live without secrets. Everyone dreams about being invisible sometimes, no one dreams of being transparent."

"Marriage? There ought to be a different word for it after a while. Because there’s no such thing as “eternal infatuation,” only love lasts that long, and it’s never simple. It requires a whole person, everything you have. The whole lot."

"Her fingers find him and she buttons his jacket to pretend that they’re not just looking for intimacy. He stops, almost dizzy, and they look past each other because if they look each other in the eye right now they would probably both crumble. It’s been so long since they touched each other that her fingertips are enough, they’re like electric shocks to him, she dares not rest the palms of her hands on his chest. Dear Lord, how close you have to be to giving up each other to remember to fight for each other."

"There really ought to be a different word for “marriage,” but perhaps also a different word for “divorce.” One for when you’re only almost there. When you want to whisper that I don’t know what I want, I just don’t want it to be like this. A word for simply saying that I can’t bear it. I can’t bear it if all we’re going to do with each other is just bear it."

"“I love you too.”

It’s been so long since they said that, but now it’s very recent. Above all the other words for love, there ought to be one for this: one that says how many times we’ve come close to losing each other but turn back and start again. One for the very smallest things, the inches, when we brush past each other in the kitchen instead of only almost doing it. Something that says I can’t bear it. I can’t bear it if you can’t bear me. I can’t bear it without you."

"The two young women trample over the memories and two invisible little girls pad after them. Because they’re always walking behind us: the children we were before the worst that has happened happened."

"She once said she hated the world because it forced children like him to become hard simply to survive, but then she saw that he got scared and ruffled his hair and said it was probably good to be soft, because then you didn’t break when you fell. Like flower petals. Perhaps that’s what happened to her, she grew hard, the way a rose that freezes to ice can be shattered with a hammer."

"Then she detects the smell of cigarette smoke that’s just settled on a jacket nearby, then something warm in her hand. Maya’s fingers, closing around hers.

“I’ve missed you, Mom.”

Dear God. Kira almost walks back to the car and sits there instead. Our children have no idea what they do to us."

"He pulls himself together and folds the sheet of paper up and presses it into his pocket, because he’s shaking so much that he realizes it’s becoming a joke. He doesn’t know if it’s the audience in the church or the one in Heaven that’s worse, but he just does what he used to do in the locker room: bites his lip so hard that the pain and the taste of blood force his mind to focus:

“A few moments, I said to her, that’s all this sport gives us. And then Ramona poured a large shot of whiskey and laughed at me and said: ‘So what the hell is life, then, Peter? More than moments?’ ”

Teemu is sitting in the front row, his face motionless but with his fists quivering on his knees. Benji is standing alone right at the back of the church, as close to the door as possible, his tears dripping softly onto the stone floor. Peter tries to steady his voice. Three boys without dads. If you want to know who Ramona was and what she really meant to this part of the world, you only have to look at the desolation in their faces."

"Things always happen quickly when everything goes to hell."

"Bobo pulls a large wicker picnic basket out of the back of the ramshackle campervan, then can’t get the door to close. This doesn’t appear to bother him. Tess comes out of the house as if she’s having to force her feet not to leave the ground and fly off with her. They do try their hardest, their very hardest, not to wrap themselves around each other’s necks in front of his friends and her brothers. She invites him into the kitchen and he immediately starts asking thousands of questions, about her and the house and the family. She isn’t used to that, she’s used to boys only wanting one thing, so in the end she asks what he’s got in the basket. He shows her. Pasta and meat and vegetables and stock and cream. She laughs and thinks that she was right after all, boys really do only want one thing.

They want to make dinner."

"Tobias thinks for a long, long time before he looks down and answers:

“She can probably see that he’s friendly.”

“Is that good?” Benji asks honestly.

Breathing through his nose, Tobias pokes around his shoelaces with the stick.

“She doesn’t want a remarkable life, just a… normal one. Our dad’s a fireman, our mom’s a midwife, we’ve spent our whole childhoods getting told we’re being raised by heroes. The sort of people who run toward fire. But Bobo isn’t a hero, and my sister can probably see that. He wouldn’t run toward fire, he’d run toward her.”"

"Ted fires a puck. Leans on his stick.

“My dad says pressure is a privilege. If you don’t feel pressure, that’s just because you’ve never done anything valuable enough for people to have expectations of you.”"

"Mothers and daughters know how to wound each other in totally unique ways, possibly because daughters often carry the guilt of their mothers’ consciences, until they end up arguing about sins that they haven’t even committed."

"There’s no life like youth, no love like first love, no friends like teammates."

"“It’s nothing personal, Bobo. I’m sure you’re a good guy. But I don’t want you to hold her back. If I’m honest, I think her mom is hoping deep down that she’s going to stay and have an ordinary life, because Hannah can’t live without Tess, but… damn it, Bobo. She can be anything she wants. She could be something big, our daughter. Do you understand? She isn’t like…”

Bobo nods with his back bent. He blinks too hard too many times for it not to show how badly he’s falling apart.

“Don’t you think I know Tess is too good for me? That she’s special and I’m just ordinary? I’m not so smart, but I’m not THAT un-smart! I don’t know anything except cars and a bit about hockey, I know I can’t GIVE her anything, but I will never… never… try to hold her back, I… I’ll never act badly toward her. And maybe I can’t study at university like her, but I’m pretty good at fixing things and I’m fairly strong and my friends like me and Tess likes me. I try to be a good man and I think I could be a pretty good dad one day. And I WON’T hold her back. If she wants to move away from here, then I’ll go with her. I can live anywhere if I can live with her. There are bad cars to fix everywhere. And if you want to try to get her to stop liking me, go ahead, but I’m not going to give up… I can’t…”"

"This is how a community’s corruption is measured. It isn’t cheating if you don’t get caught, and it isn’t a scandal if it never gets revealed. Until then, there are just secrets. All forests are full of them."

"Bobo stumbles euphorically down the stands but Zackell doesn’t go back to the office. She stands and watches as Benji chases Amat across the ice and Amat bounces away and laughs and Bobo pulls on a pair of skates and throws himself into the fray and one of the very best things of all happens: almost-adults forgetting that they’re adults."

"Amat will remember this evening as the start of something. Bobo as the end of something. For Peter it feels like belonging to something again, for Mumble it feels like belonging to something for the very first time. For Big City it’s like getting a second chance to be a little kid and fall head-over-heels in love with hockey again. How it feels for Benji nobody knows, this is the last time they see him play."

"All children are victims of their parents’ childhoods, because all adults try to give their kids what they themselves enjoyed or lacked. In the end everything is either a revolt against the adults we encountered or an attempt to copy them. That’s why someone who hated their own childhood often has greater empathy than someone who loved theirs. Because someone who had a hard time dreamed of other realities, but someone who had it easy can hardly imagine that things could be any different. We take happiness so easily for granted if we’ve had it from the start."

"The very finest thing you can give a child is somewhere to belong. The biggest thing you can have is being part of something."

"Churchyards are meant to be final destinations, but for many of us all the gravestones are question marks. Why? Why you? Why so early? Where are you now? Who could you have been if everything had been different? Or if just something very small had been? If you had had different parents, a different name, if you had lived somewhere else?"

"That damn animal. Unmanageable and impossible, wild and crazy, never gives him a moment’s peace, and there’s nothing Sune is more grateful for than that. He was never really prepared for the love he would feel for his dog. That’s what he says, my dog, even though the entire basis for what he feels when it looks at him is the exact opposite: that he belongs to it. That he is its human. It trusts him so much that it sometimes becomes too much for him, because he doesn’t know if he can handle the responsibility. He doesn’t know if he can cope with being so needed. So loved. No matter how many mornings he gets woken by those eager paws on the edge of the bed, that rough tongue on his face, he is still taken aback by its acceptance of him. Dogs are like hockey, a fresh chance every morning, everything is constantly beginning again."

"“Then I would lie here and look up at the roof and think, ‘Now I’m alone in the world.’ I sort of memorized the silence. Because I’ve never been scared when I’m alone, only among other people.”

“Me too.”

Benji hates the fact that the child knows exactly how that feels. She’s too young for that. But he tells it like it is:

“No one can hurt you when you’re alone.”

Her fingers clutch his a little tighter now, the bear beneath them, eternity above them. "

"Matteo doesn’t feel powerful, he just wants to stop feeling powerless, just for a single moment. He thinks about the green jacket Mumble was wearing in the churchyard, Sune has one just like it, he’d like to take something from them so that they know how it feels. Because he’s sure they’d mourn the dog more than they ever mourned Ruth. In the town of bears, girls are worth less than animals."

"They’re sad that Sune is sad, of course, but they don’t really understand his loss. Because of course it was only a dog. It’s so hard to explain that it’s more than an animal when you’re that animal’s human. Perhaps it takes more empathy than most people are capable of. Or more imagination."

"But if anyone can understand the unbridled, unreasonable love you can feel for an animal, it’s probably men who have been told all their lives that they love something more than they should: “But it’s only hockey.”

The Pack feels precisely everything, precisely all the time. They know that the extent of grief isn’t measured by what you’ve lost but by who you are. They have imagination. So much imagination, in fact, that the very thought of losing something they can’t live without makes them lethal."

"“I wouldn’t be where I am without you.”

“Stop that, you have a God-given talent, you had—” Peter protests, but Amat interrupts him quietly but firmly:

“Talent isn’t enough. Or at least it wouldn’t have been enough for me. You need someone who believes in you too. Not just me… you’ve done the same for Benji and Bobo, and now you’re doing it for Aleksandr as well… we aren’t your kids, but you’ve always made us feel like we are. You’ve always believed in us more than we did ourselves.”"

"Mothers have no armor to get them through life because they give every last bit to their children, by the end of their teenage years there isn’t even any skin left, so every feeling of loss cuts right into her flesh now."

"“What are you even doing HERE, you crazy kid?” he yelled.

“I wanted to watch the game but Sune didn’t want to, so I came ON MY OWN!” Alicia snapped back, trying to sound angry even though she was actually terrified.

Benji reached down and lifted her out of the chaos, and is now carrying her as if she was his little girl. She has her arms wrapped around him like she’s always been his, clinging on like seaweed to a body that’s just stepped out of the sea."

"Like all parents, he just dreams of his children having things a bit better than him, a bit easier, but there’s no way to protect them against the world. We can’t even protect them from themselves. So he closes his eyes and thinks that if Hannah is right, if the boy in this bed really is going to turn out like his dad, then there’s only one thing for Johnny to do.

To become better."

"Benji thinks of something Ramona once said: “Men are scared of telescopes, you can’t look at the stars without shitting your pants because you can’t think about how big the universe is without seeing how small you are in comparison. Nothing scares a man more than the thought that everything he does might lack all meaning.”"

"“Just stick around this time, promise?” Bobo repeats.

Benji shakes his head.

“No, no, I’m not going to do that. But I’ll try not to forget to come back home.”

“I fucking love you,” Bobo whispers, and the best thing about him is that he makes no attempt at all to laugh it off with a “but not like that.” He’s more than capable of just loving someone, the gentle giant.

Benji smiles.

“I love you too. But not like that, so don’t go getting any ideas.”"

"Because one of the very worst things we will ever do in this forest is to try to tell our daughters that girls like Ruth are the exception. That isn’t true, of course. It’s Maya who is the exception. That’s why those who do that, those who get the slightest bit of retribution or an ounce of justice, call themselves “survivors.” Because they know the truth about all the girls like Ruth."

"Ruth left the country exactly two and a half years ago, just after what happened with Maya and Kevin became public knowledge. Maya had gone to the police and the whole town had turned against her. Everything was going to change in time, but no one knew that then. Ruth didn’t stay to find out what happened. She had been through all that herself a few months earlier, she knew what this forest did to girls like her and Maya.

Shoot. Dig. Silence."

"You never get the same kind of friends again like you have when you’re a teenager. Not even if you keep them your whole life. It will never be the same as it was then."

"For her the rape went on forever but for him it never even started. For the rest of his life he could never understand that he was a rapist. He thought he was a hero."

"In her diary Ruth wrote:

When girls start primary school and the boys hit us and pull our hair during breaks and we go to an adult and ask for help, the adults say: The boys are only doing that because they like you!! That’s how you teach boys that they have rights over us. Then we get bigger and then they rape us but we’re just stupid little whores because we don’t take it as a COMPLIMENT? They beat us and kill us but it’s only because they like us. Why don’t we understand that?

On the next page it says:

didn’t even fuck that other guy in Hed but he told everyone I did and that meant I was already a whore. And whores can’t get raped."

"On one of the last pages she wrote:

I’ve got no chance if even my own parents don’t believe me. Why would the police believe me then? Why would anyone? You aren’t going to believe me until Rodri kills me."

"On the very last page, in shaky handwriting, she wrote:

Parents always think they have to talk to their daughters about guys. We shouldn’t wear short skirts and shouldn’t go out alone and shouldn’t get drunk and shouldn’t let guys like us too much. But you don’t have to talk to us about guys because we already know all that, for fuck’s sake, because we’re the ones they rape!! Talk to your damn sons instead!!! Teach them to talk to one another and teach them to stop one another. Raise just one fucking boy somewhere who can become a head teacher who understands that when boys pull girls by the hair, it’s the fucking boys there’s something wrong with. Tell your sons that if they have to THINK about whether or not they’ve had sex with a girl who didn’t want it, then they HAVE!!! If you can’t understand if the girl you’re having sex with wants it or not, then you’ve never had fucking sex with a girl who wants it. Stop telling your daughters. We already know it all."

"Ruth never went back to the police. The young man at the station waited. Perhaps he hated himself afterward for not doing more. Perhaps he managed to suppress it. Everyone like him is just trying to do their job. They all say they’re just following the law. It’s just that laws aren’t written for girls like Ruth. They’re written against her."

"“Don’t worry.”

“I’m your mother, you can’t stop me!”

Maya smiles in such a way that it’s impossible to know if she’s about to make a joke or start crying.

“I’m sorry that what Kevin did to me almost broke you and Dad.”

Now it’s Kira’s turn to look like she’s about to cry.

“Darling, it didn’t do…”

Maya nods, so grown-up and so strong, so honest and vulnerable.

“Yes, Mom. It did. Your love was like organ donation. You and Dad and Leo gave me pieces of your hearts and lungs and skeletons so I could put myself back together again. And now you hardly have the strength to stand up and keep breathing yourselves. I think about that so often, and I think about all the girls who don’t have you. I feel like I only just managed to survive this. How the hell does everyone who doesn’t have you as their mom even stand a chance?”

Good luck having a daughter and not going to pieces when you hear that."

"Something about the bright, unadorned enthusiasm on his face makes Amat curious. The former general manager leads him away from the apartment blocks, toward the forest at the edge of the old quarry, and doesn’t stop until they reach a large, open space where there was once talk of building a supermarket. Then they said it might be a medical center. At one point someone even dreamed of a small business center. None of it ever came to be, of course, because this isn’t the part of Beartown where things get built. The town may be getting bigger, but nothing grows in the Hollow.

“There!” Peter says, pointing at absolutely nothing.

“I… I don’t understand…,” Amat says, seeing nothing but snow and gravel.

Peter sees something else. He sees redemption."

"Amat looks so tall, suddenly, as if he’s grown taller than Peter overnight. Peter laughs. Everything is only a dream so far. He doesn’t know if he dares actually believe he can get this done. But Beartown is a special place. What a fucking town. There are so many places and things here that have strange names whose origins everyone has forgotten.

In a few years hardly anyone will remember why the ice rink beyond the apartment blocks and gravel pit in the poorest part of town is always called “the Cathedral.” But the man who dreamed it up knows, and the boy who one day scores his first goal in the NHL knows. He’ll be interviewed on television afterward:

“Do you want to say something to everyone watching in your hometown? How do you pronounce it? You’re from Beartown, aren’t you?” the reporter on the other side of the Atlantic will ask.

Amat will look directly into the camera and say: “No. I’m from the Hollow.”"

"“What am I supposed to do? Stay here and get rich? I don’t even like expensive wine. I’m going with you. Wherever you go.”

Maya sits there and watches the two middle-aged women hug, and thinks that when she gets old, really, really, really old, she hopes she’s just as crazy as they are."

"Kira locks the office. In a few months’ time she will surrender those keys and hand the whole business over to some of the employees, and she will sell her expensive car. The new law firm’s first office will be her kitchen. One day women throughout the country will know who they are. That too is a sort of cathedral."

"The game is about to start, but it will never be played. Instead, now everything that we will never stop regretting starts. Every single person in the ice rink will go over and over these minutes for the rest of their lives, asking silently: “Could I have done anything different? Something small, something microscopic, anything at all? Could I have stopped him?”

We’re on our way into a night when we question everything we have ever done, all that we are, and the entire society that we’ve built. Because what is it? The whole lot of it? Only the sum of all our choices. Only the result of us. Can we cope with the way it turned out?"

"This hockey game will never be played, and for many of us it will feel as if we never really emerge from the ice rink. We will be stuck in the nightmare forever. We are a people who tell stories, who try to use stories to put what we have experienced into some sort of context, to explain what we have been fighting about in the hope that it will excuse what we have done. But stories reveal both the very best of us and the very worst, and can one ever outweigh the other? Are our triumphs greater than our mistakes? What are we responsible for? What are we guilty of? Can we look ourselves in the mirror tomorrow? Can we look each other in the eye?"

"Lev never had children of his own, almost his entire family died in a war the rest of the world didn’t even call a war. He has seen good people capable of great evil, but also terrible people capable of great goodness. It’s the same everywhere: almost everyone loves too much, hates too easily, forgives too little. But most people want the same as him: to live in peace, to let your heart beat a little more slowly when night comes, to earn a bit of money to support the ones you love."

"It’s like a cruel joke, as if God wants to point out that He can do what He likes with us. Unless this is the opposite: His penance.

As two cherished lives end over in the ice rink, the twins’ hearts start to beat in Hannah’s arms. Two childhoods begin. Beep-bo. Tickles and helpless giggling. Climbing trees. Puddles and boots that are too big. Ice on the lake. A million ice creams. Whisper-shouts from parents on the phone when you’re playing with a ball indoors. Swings. Best friends. First love."

"Matteo is dead before his body hits the floor.

But so is Benji."

"Everyone who knew Benjamin Ovich, particularly those of us who knew him well enough to call him Benji, would have wished him a really long story. A secure life. A happy ending. We hoped, oh, how we hoped, but deep down we probably knew that he wasn’t the sort who would get that. Because he was always the sort of person who stood in the way, the sort who protected, the sort who ran. He always thought he was the bad guy in all stories, the real heroes always do, that’s why stories about boys like him never end with them growing old. Stories about boys like him only end with us no longer dreaming of time machines, because if one was ever invented in the distant future, it would already have been used to travel back here by someone who loved him.

There are so many of us.”

"We can’t fight against evil. That’s the most unbearable thing about the world we have built. Evil can’t be eradicated, can’t be locked up, the more violence we use against it, the stronger it becomes when it seeps out under doors and through keyholes. It can never disappear because it grows inside us, sometimes even in the best of us, sometimes even in fourteen-year-olds. We have no weapons against it. We have only been given love as a gift in order to cope with it."

"Maya wishes she could stop shaking, she wishes she could hold the girl tighter, that she could hug away all the shock and despair and all the terrible darkness that will never leave either of them now. But she doesn’t know how, she isn’t big enough, isn’t strong enough. She can’t breathe, she’s gasping for air, trying to think away the blood and death on the floor in there and she needs to be strong for the child’s sake. But how do you do that? Where do you find the strength? She doesn’t have it. She’s certain she’s going to collapse on the ground in the snow when she feels two arms around her own shoulders. It’s her mother. Kira didn’t run toward the fire, she ran after the children. Behind her comes Tess and soon other women will come, from all directions, in red and green jackets, some even in black. They wrap their arms around each other, in circles, ring after ring, forming a wall around Alicia.

Nothing that happens to the girl in the rest of her life will ever be worse than this. But in the very worst moment, in the midst of the greatest terror, mothers and big sisters from the whole forest ran here to protect her.

No one can fight against evil. But if it wants to take Alicia, it’s going to have to go through every last one of them first."

"We have gotten used to so many types of violence, but we could never foresee this one. This one we will never understand. This one we will never get over. Adri picks up her brother and he feels so small in her arms. She carries him out of the ice rink and the whole town stops breathing. A hole in every heart.

How will the sun rise tomorrow? How can daylight still exist? What is the point?"

"Good people can be capable of great evil, and evil people can be capable of great good."

"Maya will remember how incomprehensible it was that the sun even rose on the day after Benji’s death. That she was still alive. That she kept going. But she understands her parents, for the first time, really understands them. How they learned to cry inwardly when Isak died. Silently, silently they cried for years so that Maya and Leo wouldn’t hear. How the very air must have hurt their skin. How they must have wanted to lie down with their cheeks to the ground and whisper into the grass to the child beneath it. How they must have hated themselves for not being able to die with him.

How many of all the things they have done since then have been their attempts to achieve something important, something grand, something worth getting to Heaven late for? Almost everything.

It’s unbearable that the sun rises again, that Maya is here and not Benji, for the rest of her life she will stop almost daily and think: “Would he be proud of me? Have I lived a worthy life? Been a good enough person?” Because of course that’s all she is, all everyone she grew up with in Beartown is: hopelessly simple but horribly complicated. Ordinary, unusual people. Unusually ordinary people. We try to just live our lives, live with each other, live with ourselves. Accepting joy when we find it, bearing grief when it finds us, and being amazed at our children’s happiness without falling apart when we think that we can never really protect them."

"She will say that we’re just trying to live, damn it. Live in spite of each other. Live for each other.

Live on."

"Soon millions of people will know Maya’s name, but every night she will only be singing for Benji. Not all her songs will be about him, but they will all be his, somehow, even the ones that are Ana’s. One evening, several years from now, Maya will be so famous that she’ll be performing in one of the biggest arenas in the whole country. It will be sold out. The first time she steps out into it she will realize what it is used for when concerts aren’t being held there. It’s an ice rink. It’s the biggest moment in her career, and she cries her way through every song."

"When Benji is buried, it isn’t in a church with open doors but under the bare sky. Two entire towns turn up. The notification in the newspaper is superfluous, everyone knows the time and the place already, even the factory closes, but beneath Benji’s name is printed what everyone is feeling:

This hurts too much to touch with words."

"Their brother is laid to rest beside their father, not far from Ramona and Vidar. Around here we usually say that we bury our children under our most beautiful trees, but not even the best among us can find a tree beautiful enough to watch over Benjamin Ovich. So we grow new ones, all around the stone bearing his name, we let Alicia and other children plant them in the soil so that they grow up around him. Until he is no longer sleeping in a churchyard, but where he was always safest and happiest. In a forest."

"Are you scared? Someone who loves you wanted to know.

I said: Oh no—he’s in a different form though

Because the grave’s only a place for memory

The earth around his coffin isn’t where he’ll be.

Where you are now I cannot say

You’re not here, you’ve gone away.

There’s a folding chair by the water and there

I think you sit and laugh and feel a love so rare.

There’s ice around your island, you’ve got your skates,

There goes a boy whose beauty never fades.

You’re playing a game, don’t even feel cold,

There plays a boy who’ll never grow old.

You’re everything you wanted to be

You’re safe and happy, wild and free.

I don’t know where you are now my friend

But in a hundred years we’ll meet again."

"There are many types of leadership, the sort Big City, Amat, and Bobo demonstrate this year isn’t the sort that goes forward, but rather goes backward. Back to everything we are. Sometimes the greatest leadership is knowing the way home."

"Elisabeth Zackell becomes a famous coach. She wins hundreds of games. She wins leagues, titles, and trophies. The only thing she never really wins back is that first, uncomplicated joy. Hockey never really becomes a game for her again. But one day in many years’ time she will coach a national team, the one Alicia plays on, and then Zackell will make an exception to her strictest rule.

She lets someone play with the number 16 again. For one single game.

Alicia gets up from the bench in the locker room and leads her team out and storms the ice, and Zackell watches her and for a single moment forgets that it isn’t him."

"“I’m proud of you,” she whispers to her brother.

“I’m proud of you too,” he whispers back.

Leo will do great things in life, he will go far and give her every reason to really be proud of him. She’s just being proud in advance. That’s the job of big sisters."

"What is life, other than moments? What is laughter, other than a small victory over sorrow? A single moment, just one, when everything inside us isn’t broken."

"Maya sings for thousands of people in hundreds of arenas over the years when she’s grown up, but mostly she sings for herself and the best friends she had as a child. One day Ana takes her up in the helicopter, rising straight up into the sky. They take the girls with them, the girls they used to be, two laughing kids they wish they could go back in time and protect. They pick them up off the ground in the forest and hide them inside their jackets and the rotor blades spin and they fly far above the earth. High and free."

"She doesn’t forgive, doesn’t forget, but she doesn’t use violence just because she can. She doesn’t destroy Kevin’s life even though he deserves it. She spares him.

But Kevin’s wife will ask him who that woman was. Kevin takes a series of terror-filled breaths, but eventually he is too weighed down to carry the lies, so he whispers the truth. Everything. The whole of the reality he has constructed since that night in Beartown collapses around him inside that car. He loses everything.

Can he be forgiven? Can he be spared? Allowed to have a life?"

"Spring comes, and summer. It’s almost unbearable. But then autumn arrives, as brief as the blink of an eye, before winter finally hits us again. Life doesn’t go on, it starts again, everything is possible once more. Anything can happen, all the best and all the most beautiful and all the biggest adventures in the world."

"Early, early in the morning the caretaker opens the door to the ice rink and turns the lights on. Alicia looks so lonely and small as she skates out onto the ice, but she isn’t, she’s bigger than everyone and never alone again. She lies down in the center circle and looks up at the roof. When she closes her eyes and reaches out her fingers she hurts in so many places inside, but there and then she doesn’t feel anything, because Benji is lying beside her and soon a new hockey season will begin and everything can still be okay. Throughout the whole of her long career, in every ice rink and in every national game, she will do the same thing every time she gets scared or nervous: look up at the roof, reach out her hand, feel that he is there. Because Benjamin Ovich isn’t in a grave. Benjamin Ovich is at the game with his best friend."

"Her hundred years will be our very best, most loved, most told story. And that says a hell of a lot, because we’re a hockey town. We have nothing but stories here. But all our stories have really only been about one thing: ever since the very first, about a boy who made it all the way from here to the NHL and came back with his family, about his daughter who found the best friend in the world, about a terrible crime and love that was like organ donation. About tears and struggle, about hugs and laughter, about a stage and a guitar and thousands of people in the audience. About a boy who was born in a place that had never seen ice but who one day could move faster on skates than anyone else, about other children who became the best in other ways, about the boy who became a coach and the ones who became parents and the girl who flies a helicopter to save the whole world. About a young man who could never see himself as a hero but who died like one, who ran toward fire to save a child. About families and friends. About climbing trees and adventures. About a vast forest and two small towns and all the people here who are just trying to live their lives. Sit in a boat. Tell lies. Catch zero fish."

At the end of this book... Was Backman hinting that there will be another trilogy about Alicia? God, how I hope it's true. Give me more Beartown stories please, and how Amat gets into the NHL and how he's doing in NHL, how Maya gets into her stardom, how Ana goes after her aspiration of being an ambulance helicopter pilot, how Bobo becomes a dad, and about everyone else too.

It took me almost a full month's time to make this review, and I think it's because I was trying so hard to properly say goodbye to this book series. It's ridiculous how much love I have for this book series, but as Backman wrote in the book:

And it's exactly how I feel about saying goodbye to this trilogy.

But here we are now, this trilogy is finally completed and, like it or not, I have to say goodbye to Beartown. It's bittersweet, because I love this trilogy so much, but now the wait is finally over and there's no more nights staying up late wondering about what's gonna happen to my favorite characters. I just have to let those wonderful characters go and rest now.

I'm reminded of these quotes from the brilliant TV Show, The Good Place, about letting go and moving on, and it helped me tremendously:

Eleanor Shellstrop: "Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task." That's what I was thinking about. That sentence.

...

Eleanor Shellstrop: The whole book is about how we should try to find rules other people can't reasonably reject, and then he ends it by saying, "The search for how to find these rules will go on forever." I proposed a rule that Chidis shouldn't be allowed to leave because it would make Eleanors sad. And I could do this forever, zip you around the universe showing you cool stuff... and I'd still never find the justification for getting you to stay. Because it's a selfish rule. I owe it to you to let you go.

Chidi Anagonye: Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it - its height, the way the sunlight refracts as it passes through - and it's there, you can see it, and you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just... a different way for the water to be for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's meant to be.

Janet: What do you think happens when people walk through the door? It's the only thing in the universe I don't know.

Eleanor Shellstrop: I don't know either. The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me, the true joy's in the mystery.

This trilogy truly has given me so many wonderful gifts apart from the story and the characters themselves, it made me learn Swedish, and it introduced me to Ice Hockey, which I am now obsessed with. It's very hard for me to say goodbye to this trilogy and all of my favorite characters in this trilogy, but I know I'll always be reminded of them whenever I study Swedish and watch Hockey, I'll always be looking for Benji, Amat, Maya, Ana and Bobo in my studies and every hockey games I watch.

I do hope that there will be a TV show adaptation of the full trilogy, one that is more faithful to the books, because I think they are perfect just the way they are.

Thank you so much for such an amazing ride with this trilogy, Backman.

PLOT - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

WRITING STYLE - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

ENTERTAINMENT LEVEL PAIN LEVEL- 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

BOOK COVER DESIGN - ⭐⭐⭐⭐

OVERALL BOOK RATING - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

#Beartown trilogy #the winners #book review

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mci-writing · 2 years ago

Text

Ghosty Ghostly Hauntings (Ghost!Midoriya Izuku x Reader)

Warnings: Smut, like full on sex smut; ghost!Midoriya x human!reader; heavily implied no quirk AU; uhhh Midoriya is dead? But like, there’s no explicit mention of how he died or any violence; Dom!Deku; they don’t know each other that well when they have sex; only partially proof read tbh

The quiet of your new room has your head pounding, thoughts of the past few hours keeping you wide awake. You’ve twisted and turned under the warmth of your comforter almost thousands of times, taking a moment to lay on each of your sides before deciding that those weren’t enough to keep you comfortable. Eventually, you fall back to the center of your bed with an exasperated sigh, “This isn’t working…”

Your wandering mind makes it pretty obvious why you can’t sleep, your senses heightened to a thousand and making you feel every single thing. You feel every thread and every bit of fuzz on your comforter. Your nose inhales every particle in the air, varying smells mixing with the few small portions of dust still lingering from moving in . The rays from the moon feel brighter than normal against your skin and the natural chill of the house contrasts the light in an uncomfortable way that you’re unable to ignore. Whether or not it’s the origin of your discomfort is beyond you, but it doesn’t take a genius to know it’s part of the reason why you can’t sleep. It could also be because you’re living in a new place, a big and old family home that had been abandoned for a couple years before you had initially bought and moved in.

It was already getting harder to make rent at your old apartment with the pay you had received from your job, but it became incredibly more difficult after being let off from said job. In time, you left and bounced from apartment to apartment before finally finding and settling with your new place that cost practically nothing.

Okay, practically nothing is a bit of a slight exaggeration. I mean, I’d say buying a jiko bukken (stigmatized property) for practically nothing at all is pretty fair when the tenant before you died in an unknown way and the house had become known for the supernatural happenings around it. Practically free house at the cost of a plausible, HEAVILY plausible roommate sounds pretty fair. Pretty, preeeeeetty fair, in my opinion.

You learned a few things about the house from the house’s seller, who was the original tenant’s childhood friend. His name was Bakugou Katsuki and he was… very rough around the edges. Kind of a bit of a prick, and you couldn’t tell if it was from his potential mourning or if he was just an asshole. You really wouldn’t be surprised if he was just an asshole, though…

The guy who owned the place before you was Midoriya Izuku, who inherited the home from his late mother. He was a “major fucking nerd”, quoting Bakugou, and had a lot of comic book memorabilia stored away in a corner of the home’s basement (more specifically of the hero All Might). A lot of the information you had received was conflicting, mostly through Bakugou’s colorful use of adjectives, but it was enough to paint the picture of a relatively good guy that seemed a little lonely in his final years. The loneliness idea is more of an assumption, seeing as how the few things still set up in the house belonged only to Midoriya and Bakugou never really brought up anyone else when you asked about people living there before you.

Speaking of Bakugou, the house was initially left in his hands, but he damn sure didn’t want it. Asking him why he didn’t want it and why he was practically giving it away is a bit of a sensitive subject. He explained that he didn’t want to keep the place due to all the memories associated and it would’ve been easier to just give the place away (and “Not because I’m fucking afraid of any damn ghosts!”). His words are a little more than jarring after hearing him refer to Midoriya as “Deku” when he doesn’t catch himself and the look his ruby eyes held anytime the two of you came across any of the guy’s old stuff only tell a story you’re probably not going to be told too soon.

Thinking about it all only made your head swirl in muddled ignorance, so you tried to avoid doing that. It managed to get you through most of the day while you focused on putting away your things after Bakugou had finally left.

Or, you did stop thinking about it until you actually ran into the tenant that lived there before you while you were trying to familiarize yourself with your new place…

You were initially a little bewildered to see the face of someone that you’ve been told is supposed to be dead floating past you in a seemingly supernatural glow. He didn’t notice you at first, seemingly muttering to himself as he floated from door to door and room to room, so you decided to ignore that and distracted yourself further into setting up your things. You acknowledged the confirmation of your actual, dead roommate and just kept on trucking.

The next time you came across him had you a little more curious, especially since you were mostly done with unpacking. He’s once again muttering to himself as he floats about the golden beige colored halls, not minding his surroundings. He never bothered to look where he was going, seemingly knowing where he was at all times. There was also this slight chill that would fill the room each time he was near, which only alerted you to his presence more.

“H-Hey,” The first time you called out to him had surprised you, not expecting the words to spill from between your lips. He doesn’t seem to hear you, though. You take in a deep breath, pushing the air out through your nose before you speak up louder than the first, “Hey, you!”

He pipes up at the call, freezing in place from how startled it made him. He slowly turns around to face you, seemingly shivering from head to floating toe, “Y-You…,” Your (e/c) eyes meet frazzled, emerald orbs, “Y-You’re… You’re a…,” He was only stuck for a moment, his cheeks growing a bright tone as he stood there, before he eventually jumped in acknowledged surprise that you were actually there and that he definitely wasn’t imagining you. He faded in and out before you in his ghostly glow, a shade of emerald green matching his eyes and a bright red filling the lost color of his face. It was almost like a mixed up glow stick that was losing its glowy liquidy stuff, “Human!”

It was almost like looking at a slightly altered alarm, flashing in a way that made you cover your eyes and flinch away. It takes it a moment to really dim down, but that doesn’t stop the frantic mutterings he made. His voice wasn’t severely altered like many movies make it out to be. There were no high pitched squeals or low groans many would expect a ghost to make like they do in the movies, but it was all jumbling together as he had tried to process the new information, which only made you suspect that maybe he didn’t initially know that he would be accompanied by a new housemate.

“Midoriya,” You attempted to call in hopes of plausibly grounding him into the situation, but the sound only flew over his head as the intensity of his rambling continued. You tried again a little louder, your hand now lowered, since the blinding light had faded, and stepped closer to the specter, “Midoriya! Midoriya Izuku!”

“Does that mean that Kacchan-,” Without much thought, you reached out and touched his shoulders, managing to feel something when your fingers didn’t phase through his form. You pulled him close to you, unintentionally getting lost in the light in his green eyes. They held more life than you’d expected them to, swirling with different shades of jade-filled emotion. They widened at the motion, obviously caught off-guard by it, but he didn’t pull away.

The close proximity doesn’t go unnoticed, but you found it hard to pull away, even if the apparition had quieted his mumbling out of surprise of the situation at the time. His cheeks had lit up once again, though in a warmer and more welcoming fashion as opposed to the earlier lightshow. He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing almost as if he were still alive, and he was a little more than speechless with how things were playing out. His tongue darted out to wet his lips, causing your eyes to flit down to his lips, a scene from a series you had recently read prior to the move came to your mind. The protagonist had more than happily kissed the ghost living in his new apartment purely out of curiosity (and because he’d also read about it in a manga series) and you’d suddenly had the urge to find out what the lips of a ghost would feel like.

When your eyes flit back up to his, they’re seemingly just as entranced with the whole thing. They glowed in confused anticipation, which only urged you to make your next move of taking a closer step and closing the small distance between the two of you. He tensed up against you, a strange warmth growing against the cold of his form as he began to process the unexpected action you’d enacted. If you were a mind reader, all the jumbled thoughts that seared through his mind would cause you psychic damage.

Just as you were about to pull away, he reciprocated the kiss, moving his lips against yours. They’re cold, as you would expect them to be, yet the softness of them held such an unexpected warmth that the cold seemed to disappear as soon as it came. It’s a little inexperienced for both of you, especially because you’d never kissed a ghost before this and he’d never kissed a human as a ghost prior to this either, but it left you feeling a little dizzy.

“Sorry, but I had to stop your rambling somehow,” You tease after you gain your bearings, a small smile playing along your lips as you take a small step away from him, “Nice to meet you, Midoriya. I’m the new owner of your home, (L/n) (Y/n). Please take care of me.”

After that encounter, you got to know him throughout the day. You learned more about his small obsession with comic book heroes and super powers, how he’d initially been living in the house by himself before his death, and his relationship with Bakugou, who he called Kacchan with the excitement of someone looking up to their idol. You explained your interests to him, explained why you’d decided to purchase a house with the knowledge of a plausible ghost, and apologized for the surprise kiss you’d laid on him. He’d been a bigger help in settling you in and you were even more comfortable with your new living situation by the time you’d decided to take a shower that night.

The afterimage of your otherworldly roommate glowing like a firecracker spontaneously pops into your brain like popcorn kernels, the kiss itself replaying over and over like a never ending movie. You feel a wave of embarrassment wash over you, which you hadn’t felt when the kiss had originally happened. It’s like the secondhand embarrassment you’d feel for anyone else, except a little more personal and a lot less vicarious.

Your hands move on their own as they lift your pillow out from under you and shove the plush material against your face. It’s not enough to suffocate you, but it’s enough to shield yourself from the circumstances for a moment. At least now you can say there’s more to your insomnia tonight than the exciting buzzing of your nerves from being in a new place.

You roll over onto your stomach, sighing as you lift your face from the pillow, “I’m not getting anywhere like this…”

You sit up and decide that maybe a small walk and glass of water will calm your nerves enough to send you to sleep, but then you see it… One of the few things you hadn’t unpacked, a box with some special things inside.

You weigh your options in your head, tilting it as you think about your options. You could just rummage through the box, pick out one of your self-gratifying devices, and go to town long enough to wear yourself out, but there was the plausibility of having your new ghost roomie see all your goods on display while you pleasured yourself. Technically, Midoriya has very well had the plausibility of seeing such your naked body a few times today, but he didn’t necessarily seem like the type to peak, so you’ve assumed, but there was also the slim chance that he could very well be a peeping tom and has just been really cool about it.

After the initial kiss between the two of you, he seemed to calm down… Okay, maybe not immediately after, since he was very frazzled once the debacle was over. If someone could die twice, he definitely would’ve been deader.

Once the shock and flustered rambling brushed over, he was more open to speak with you and properly introduce himself. His cheeks had still held a red tint to them, but now they weren’t completely covering the honeydew in his cheeks or the small confidence beyond his jade eyes. His face was sun-kissed and covered in varying freckles, but you had been unable to tell how far down they’d go. You found him relatively cute for a dead guy, and he was gentlemanly enough to float from your room after you’d walked in when your shower was over wearing nothing but a towel for decency.

Even if Midoriya did happen to see, you were in the privacy of your own room and you doubted he’d be brave enough to actually help you let alone make his presence known. With that final bit of self-reassurance, you pulled out a toy, like countless other lonely nights.

You lay back and get comfortable, closing your eyes as your handles fondle at your own breasts. You sigh through your nose, giving them an encouraging squeeze before lifting your thumbs to flick your nipples. They erect with time, giving your fingers something else to focus your attention on.

The touching alone isn’t enough. Your eyebrows scrunch as you try to focus on something, the incident from earlier being the first thing to come to mind.

You allow it to play out as it originally had, the image of the innocent kiss seemingly staring back at you in your brain. This kiss, however, is less awkward and holds more to it. Midoriya’s scared hands find their places against you, one cupping your cheek and pulling you forward to deepen the kiss while the other finds its way to your waist. He presses your body flush against his, the kiss growing a little wetter and a little sloppier.

Your hand eases down to rub at your clit, the area starting to dampen. It’s not enough. You let your boob go, reaching into your sex box and rummaging around it for whatever shape interests you. Just as you grab hold of the toy, a familiar cool sensation comes over the room.

“(L/n)?,” You quickly sit up, covering yourself with the blanket, and find Midoriya floating in your doorway. There’s a concerned look on his face as he drifts in more, his head tilted by the time he stands beside your bed, “Why are you still awake? It’s getting pretty late, isn’t it?”

Your grip on your blanket tightens, your eyes trailing to glance at your window as you think about how to explain yourself. Technically, you were just suffering from some small insomnia, but you were just about to exhaust yourself by masturbating. The worst case scenario seemed like it was playing out before you and you were starting to really regret your decision.

Midoriya takes note of your silence, only growing more confused when a flushed hue comes to your face as the silence thickens between the two of you. He looks you over, taking notice of how the straps of your tank top were hanging loosely off of your shoulders. Your appearance made it obvious you had been tossing and turning, your (e/c) eyes holding both an exhausted look while being wide awake. He nods to himself, touching your shoulder to regain your attention as he speaks, “Are you having trouble sleeping?”

“Y-Yeah…!” His cold hand makes you straighten, cooling your warmth skin and seemingly drawing you in. You stop yourself from pressing into his touch, growing even more embarrassed, “I-I was just going to… tire myself out a little…”

Your phrasing leaves Midoriya a little confused. He thinks over what you mean very hard, his facial expressions only making you want to bury yourself, until his eyes widen in realization for a moment. The realization turns into a look of dumbfoundedness, then followed by a bright blush filling the color of his face. Had he still been alive, you’re positive his hand on your shoulder would have burned instead of being as chilling as it was now.

“I’m so sorry!,” He falls to his knees beside you, bowing over and over as he continues to profusely apologize, “I didn’t realize you were- I-I just wanted to check and make sure you were okay! I swear I didn’t see anything and I just wanted to see if you needed anything, I promise-”

His rambling would be an adorably funny mess had this been any other situation, but it’s only making you feel a little bad for admitting he was kind of interrupting your personal time. You take in a deep breath, calming a bit of your earlier mortification. Your hand releases your blanket as you turn to face him better, resting a hand on his shoulder and running another through his curls to ease him back down. His emerald orbs meet your (e/c) ones, his face now a flushed red as his murmurings die down, “It’s alright, Midoriya. You had no idea what was going on. I’m not mad…”

“Ah-,”

“Just a little embarrassed,” You admit with a small smile, pulling away from him and leaning your side against your headboard.

You contemplate another solution to plausibly tiring yourself out, thinking back to your original plan of maybe walking down to the kitchen and making yourself a glass of water or something. The trip could help you calm your mind a little…

“I… Um… I could help tire you out…,” Midoriya speaks up, a little quiet but loud enough for the words to linger in the air. He freezes up when he has your full attention again, fearing that his eyes will linger down to the dip in your shirt and give him a full eye of cleavage once more. He decides to avert his eyes as he explains, growing hot under the attentiveness he was receiving, “I-I mean, I did say I would t-take care of you e-earlier a-and it is my fault you didn’t get to finish… It’s only fair I make it up to you, right? And take responsibility.”

His voice grows confident the more he speaks, determined and shameless by the end of it. He’s soon standing over you, a look in his eyes you're unfamiliar with from him. It makes you shiver, especially when his eyes look you over and undress you. They begin to glow a little, shining even brighter in the darkness, and you feel a little more self-conscious.

“R-Responsibility?” Your voice cracks a little when you finally manage to say anything, which he finds amusing. He nods, but he doesn’t make a move forward, very much waiting for your consent to anything before he does anything.

You did find him attractive, in a ghost roommate you just met kind of way, so you weren’t exactly opposed. You were also still slicked up, even after he had just walked in on you trying to touch yourself.

“T-Then, it is only fair, right?” He presses his lips against yours again, leading you to lay back against your bed. One of his hands lifts your thigh as he gets between them, caressing the skin with light touches. His other hand immediately moves to fondle your breast, giving the flesh a soft squeeze as he pulls away from the kiss.

He takes a moment to really take your appearance in, noting the way your breath becomes uneven and your skin flushes under his caresses, knowing that there’s no guarantee he’ll see this sight at his own hands again. Your nipples proudly strain against your top and he can feel the warmth radiating from your pussylips through your panties.

He phases his hand through your tank top, giving your tit another, testing squeeze. He enjoys the way it makes you shiver, lightly tugging on the mound a few times to draw more heavy breaths from you. He lets it go, not missing the disappointed look that flashes through your eyes when he does, before thumbing and circling at your erect nipples. His naturally cold fingers enhance the feeling, making your already sensitive body feel him playing with you more. He flicks and nudges, observing the small twitches and changes in your face.

His knee nudges against your clothes lower lips, grinding into the mound as he continues to tease at your nipple. You close your eyes, softly mewling from his ministrations, only to open them when his lips wrap around your other nipple. His tongue darts at the bud a few times, rolling it around before he lightly tugs it between his teeth. At the same time, his index finger and thumb have started tugging at the other one, neither being tugged and prodded at the same time.

“M-Midoriya,” You softly call, your hips pressing down against his leg and meeting the grinding he’s giving. It’s not enough to satiate the need, but it’s better than nothing at all. Your fingers reach up to run through his green curls again, raking and lightly tugging with each tug he makes to your nipples.

He smiles against the bud as you start to make more little moans, pulling away at the sound of his name. When you stare up at him, there’s a slight daze to them as they plead for him to do more. He moves his knee, his free hand moving to rub your folds through your panties. He makes an amused sound as he feels you drip past the fabric. He leans forward again, pressing stray, cold kisses along the warm skin of your neck.

“Call me Izuku, (Y/n),” He mumbles once he reaches your ear, the cold air making you shiver more. The sudden shift from earlier is almost unfair to you, but you're unable to complain when he’s already making you feel good. His fingers ghost over your clit a few times, “Come on, just try it, please?”

“Izuku…,” His first name rolls off of your tongue in a small whine. His hand moves away from your breast, lifting your other thigh and caging his body between them. His other hand phases through your panties, his cool fingers pressing directly against your clit before gathering your arousal and rubbing it against your slit, “Ah, Izuku!~”

The noise you make startles you, but you’re unable to dwell on it as he continues to rub your arousal against your swollen clit, starting out rather slow before slowly speeding his finger up over time. His eyes keep note of your face, keeping eye contact with you as he edges you closer and closer to the edge. Each soft inhale or noise guides his fingers and their movement, ensuring to run them along the small slit of your clit to hear your voice raise in height. His hand does ease back to your nipple, fingers teasing at the bud and drawing more cries from you.

“You’re close, right?” He mumbles once you begin approaching your high, prompting you to only nod in fear you wouldn’t be able to voice your response. A small smile graces his features at the confirmation, his head leaning down to press a reassuring peck to your lips before burying his face in your neck. Your breath hitches as you feel the high begin to rush over you, your back arching and your lower body presses and grinds more into his hand in an attempt to reach it faster. You hold your breath, the coils coming undone when his low words make their way to your ears, “Cum, then.”

As you come down from your high, he grabs your thighs as he eases between your legs, emerald eyes honed in and focused on the area. You feel your cheeks warm from the attention once you realize and you fight the urge to close your legs. You avert your eyes as another gush of arousal fills your lower abdomen from the contrasting temperature of his cold hands grasping your warm skin. You feel your arousal pool and drip past your panties, all of it on display for Izuku.

A firm squeeze brings your attention back to in front of you, determined eyes staring back at you. He presses your legs to lay against your body, keeping eye contact as he eases lower down. He presses a small kiss to your thigh, leaning forward and darting his tongue out to lick against your clothed lower lips. The feeling is foreign, but not unwelcomed as your hips buck into his touch from the sensitivity of having already orgasmed. His tongue runs over your clothed lower lips again and again, urging embarrassed whines from your lips as he spreads and smears your arousal against your twitching pussylips. You give a small cry of his name once he starts prodding at your clit.

When he pulls away, his chin is glowing brightly and dripping from the arousal and his saliva. His eyes begin to glow like earlier, emerald eyes glazed over as he looks your folds over. Your panties stick and trace your lower lips, showing him each twitch and pulse they make. His eyes slowly trace over your body before he meets your (e/c) eyes again, his hands giving your thighs another squeeze to ground you back down. He quietly states, “I won’t be able to restrain myself from fucking you if you don’t stop me now…”

He sits up, a noticeable bulge pressing against your folds. When you glance down, in all of its ghostly glory, his cock is laying over your lips, perfectly sandwiched between them. It glistens, already covered in precum, and glows a light green that contrasts with the tufts of curly pubic hair. A few, faint freckles are highlighted by the glow of, what you assume to be, ectoplasm and it curves upwards. His hips press him against you, each slight movement moving the base of his cock against your clit and stimulating you enough to tease.

“Fuck me…,” You manage out, making eye contact as your throat goes dry. You wet your lips with your tongue before speaking up again, attempting to sound a little more determined as you press your lower body more against his, “Please, fuck me, Izuku.”

He doesn’t need to hear it again, spreading your thighs as he pulls his hips back, thrusting them over your pulsing pussylips a few times to gather your wetness along his base. When he deems it enough, he aligns the tip with your entrance, pressing the head inside in a testing thrust before pulling out again. You whine at the small stretch, wanting more of him inside.

He slowly presses back in, pushing in halfway before inching to ease back out, but your leg wraps around his waist before he can leave you empty again. Your lips quirk into a pout as you tug him closer with your leg, managing to get a little bit of him back inside. He gasps at the bold move, getting the message and pressing the rest of his cock inside of him. He naturally hits deep from his size alone, prompting a moan from you, louder than your previous mewls. He groans from the tight squeeze of your velvety walls, the tightness making it hard for him to pull his hips back.

Izuku places a hand over your head as he begins getting into a rhythm, starting out a little slow and sloppy as he tries to set a pace. He picks up the pace after a while, each thrust causing his abdomen to rub against your clit and stimulate the spot. Each drag of his hips ends with the tip of his cock pressing deep inside of you, grazing your g-spot and pulling moans from you that even some of your higher quality dildos couldn’t get from you.

He’s not shy in pressing kisses to different parts of your skin, caressing here and there as he continues to take note of your reactions. The squeeze of your walls make it hard for him to focus, the slick of your arousal mixed with his spit and precum making loud squelching noises each time his cock sinks inside of you. He ensures he’s deep with each thrust, making sure to go deeper and deeper with each request you call out.

Your fingers grip your sheets under you as you try to ground yourself, the pleasure teetering you in and out of consciousness as Izuku’s hips continue to rock deeper and deeper inside of you, each of you becoming more and more engrossed with each other. All you can really see is Izuku, eyes opened or closed, green eyes staring down at you in deep concentration as a green light encases the both of you. He has high stamina for a ghost, managing to draw numerous orgasms from you before finally starting to reach his own high. You can’t tell if the stamina is from already being dead or if it’s an attribute that carried over from his living days. You’re too fucked out to care.

As his thrusts begin to grow more erratic and heavy, you’re unable to stop yourself from wrapping your arms around his neck and tugging him deeper inside with your other leg, latching on to him as you trap his hips against yours. He gets less and less of his cock out, his hand messily moving between you both and rubbing at your clit to speed up your release. He tries holding back, not wanting to cum before he can finish you off again, but you keep sucking him back in deeper and deeper in just the right way.

Your lips connect as he nestles his hips deep inside of you and cums, his release heavy and filling you enough to overflow and drip onto your bed. He swallows your moans as his release prompts another from your, coating his thumb as he continues to thumb at your clit. He ensures to ride your releases, keeping his dick buried inside of you even when he pulls away from your lips.

Your chest heaves as you regain your breath, Izuku sitting still inside of you while he looks your body over. He presses his cool hands against your skin, this time trying to cool you down rather than warm you up. He’s careful once he does pull out, softly caressing your skin and mumbling small little nothings as you begin to doze off in his hold.

~~~~~

The sun’s rays pour into your room the next morning, tugging you awake. You groan as you sit up and yawn, a soreness between your thighs reminding you of the prior night’s experience.

You first notice the sheets on your bed, which are now a very different set than the ones you’d put on yesterday. Another difference is the robe adorning your body, which is very much not yours. It’s plush, but not obnoxiously so, and it’s a dark green color with black accents.

The next thing to catch your attention was a sweet aroma coming from downstairs. Out of curiosity, you make your way to the kitchen to find a certain specter floating about.

“Izuku?,” His movements cease, a plate resting in his hands with a few soufflé pancakes and rolled omelets on the side.

“Good morning, (Y/n),” He turns around, a small smile on his face as he sets the plate down on the table as he passes it to get to you, “Did you sleep okay?”

“Y-Yeah,” Your face warms as he leads you to the table, helping you get seated. You take a bite, your face lighting up at the taste, “These taste great!”

The two of you continue peacefully conversing like that, joking around and letting the time pass. For the first time in a while, you’re not worried and you even feel a calmness wash over you.

Yeah, you’re sure this arrangement is going to be just fine…

#midoriya izuku x reader #midoriya x reader #deku x reader #ghost!Midoriya Izuku x reader #ghost!midoriya x reader #ghost!Deku x reader #midoriya izuku #ghost!midoriya izuku #ghost!midoriya #ghost!deku #I hope you enjoy #I also have a few other drafts based specifically on these two characters bc I don’t feel this delivered enough but we’ll see how those go #I posted this way later than I wanted 😭💀#glad I got it before his birthday was officially over tho!#then again #I do post his birthday fics pretty late into the day every year so y’all probably don’t expect much from me anymore (;ﾞ°´ω°´)

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codenamesazanka · 4 years ago

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I feel like I can’t stress enough how important Spinner is to the ‘My Villain Academia’ arc, and how badly I need BONES to give him the attention and care in portraying him that he deserves. BONES have been pretty faithful to the manga, they’ve followed the story and brought each scene on the page to the screen... Except for some reason not when it comes to the Villains. Maybe it’s because arguably the Villains wasn’t the focal point of the show and they weren’t what most viewers watched the show to see; fine, but that was the case in the beginning and no longer.

Shigaraki Tomura, his exploits, his character, his story *is* the manga: the Heroes and protag react mainly to him and his actions, his past and motivations is one of the main factors that caused the current central conflict, and resolving his character arc is what will probably bring the whole series - to its end or near end. Yeah, imo I argue that everything about him moves the plot along.

Unfortunately(?), I think Horikoshi-sensei realized/decided/planned this a bit too late in his pacing. He said himself during the Stain arc or so that at first, he wasn’t planning on doing villain profiles - he wanted the villains to be scary.

But for the time being, I have no intention of writing about [the villains]. I do the introductions because l personally like those sorts of behind-the-scenes things, and also because I want my readers to feel a connection to the characters. But with villains, I decided I can't have them too likable. They're supposed to be terrifying.

Often it’s what we don’t know/understand/predict/expect (and therefore can’t get a grasp on) that makes things scary/uncomfortable/dislikable. The Villains were strange, seemingly erratic and incomprehensible in their behavior and motivations, malicious without rhyme or reason. Even now, I think a lot of people still think they’re just ‘completely evil crazy psychopaths’.

Anyways, the quote from him is from Volume 7. A whole bunch of volumes later in Vol. 23, he decided nvm: “The story has evolved beyond that point, so I'm ready to start doing villain profiles.” As he said himself, the profiles are to help the readers connect with the characters, make them relatable and likable. That’s what My Villain Academia is all about in the meta sense - to demystify Shigaraki Tomura and his ragtag chaos friends, to give them depth, and to induce interest in their stories, if not sympathy. Hype them up for the rather major roles they play in this ‘final arc’ of the series.

Enter Spinner, the lizard ninja guy.

Besides his unusual looks, Spinner is really, truly nothing special. He’s got a weak quirk, he holds no title of being the strongest or smartest or whatever member of the League, he’s not related by blood or thematically to any major players in the main conflicts, and his ‘tragic’ backstory is completely mundane compared to his allies - he was bullied as a child, and so is fueled by resentment. In the events leading up to the start of the arc, Spinner is the most moral and understandable of the Villains - has a ‘good’ reason for his crimes (eradicate corrupted Heroes), has standards on who he’s willing to fight (questions attacking the police and anyone with a ‘true heroic spirit’), and wants a concrete game plan instead of aimless discord the rest of the League seems alright with.

Once the arc starts, we immediately learn the basics of his character - he’s got a heteromorph quirk that makes his appearance a humanoid gecko and it’s something he was born with that he can’t control, and yet he faces discrimination from literal KKK-type cultists who refuse to see him as human. This was more or less his life in his small, rural hometown, harsh enough that his heart had become ‘completely empty’. It’s simple, it’s relatable and an realistic analogy anyone who has faced prejudice and harassment and been hurt by it can understand.

All this is so Spinner ends up being the most normal and typical sympathetic of the League of Villains, which sets him up to be a sort of ‘gateway Villain’. It’s why he’s narrator. He doesn’t understand at all the crazy All For One shenanigans, he’s thinks Shigaraki is an incompetent weirdo, and he asks what we were all thinking: “Shigaraki Tomura, what the fuck are you doing.” Quite obviously, Spinner’s meant the audience surrogate and so he is. That being a core of the way the story of My Villain Academia is told means it needs be followed by the anime adaption.

This core sets up the rest of the arc - sets up how we will come to view Shigaraki Tomura and his backstory, alongside the rest of the League Villains, their relationships and dynamics with each other, and who they are at heart. Shigaraki’s telling of his distorted origins in Chapter 222 is horrifying as it is already; but it’s Spinner’s worried-facial-expressions reactions littered throughout the chapter that adds to it by telling us one major thing: Spinner’s an empathetic guy, because he immediately feels a kindred spirit with Shigaraki when the latter talks about the hollowness he feels. So begins the audience surrogate’s change of opinion and us readers going along with it, and also: that Shigaraki Tomura now has Spinner’s concern and attention - and is deserving of it.

Pardon the sudden heavily edited quote, but CS Lewis says,

Friendship arises...when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common...which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique [burden]. The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, "What? You too? I thought I was the only one." ...And instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.

That’s almost word for word Spinner in that moment, suddenly realizing he’s no longer as alone as he thought. He’s no longer as alone, and this means perhaps neither should Shigaraki. Because established in that very chapter, too, is the hate in Shigaraki’s heart fueled by his grief and despair, the loss of his family, past, and faith in others, his misery of thinking he’ll never feel good again. Yet - there’s Spinner, willing to extend some empathy and care, the very antidote to all that Shigaraki had revealed. Because the desire for companionship (or at least the lessening of the pain of loneliness) is universal, even among villains - maybe especially among these villains - we probably love to see it. Want to see it.

On that basis - friendship borne out of empathy - Spinner puts his faith his leader, puts his trust and support, and the rest of the arc is us following the tension of whether he was right to do so. Whether Shigaraki would live up to what Spinner expects of him, whether Spinner will side with Shigaraki despite their earlier conflict. Whether they could become friends, or something like that. And once they do, the consequences of this as things spiral more and more out of control, beyond this arc - that Spinner would know Shigaraki well enough to do something crucial at the turn of a battle later, that Spinner would stick by Shigaraki’s side when he’s in danger, that Spinner is loyal enough to Shigaraki to help him as a friend should.

Through Spinner, we come to see Shigaraki, originally incomprehensible and terrifying, as someone beyond a Villain or a leader, but rather someone valued as a person, a friend, a fellow silly gamer nerd. He’s still scary, of course - just less so, with a seed of doubt of his doom that Spinner - and only Spinner, by virtue of his specific narrative and emotional role in this arc - planted in their characters and the story.

It’s because of Spinner that MVA works, by itself, and as a stepping stone towards the rest of the series. So he really needs to be everything he is, was, and more in the anime adaption please BONES oh my god please

#long post #nalslastworkingbraincell #shigaraki tomura #bnha #mha #heroaca #Spinner #Iguchi Shuuichi #my interpretation of course #but like #everything I said is right there in the text and can be convincingly argued for #so I’m right and it’s mandatory that BONES listens to me

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the-ghost-king · 3 years ago

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About the cupid scene, Nico was forced to come out, but its also made very clear that Cupid is the bad guy. So is Aphrodite to an extent. They have a twisted and fundamental misunderstanding of love and how it works for mortals. I get that people could be mad about how Nico was forced to come out and putting him through more emotional trauma, but I also think its very realistic in showing how callous and cruel the gods understanding of love is.

I am reminded of the quote by Madeline Miller, "There is no law that gods must be fair..."

I also understand why the scene might be traumatic for other young LGBTQ+ readers, I've seen a lot of people talk about the fear of being outed in regards to them reading that scene as a kid. I completely respect their feelings on that, and I understand that as well. However, as someone who had been forcibly outed once before reading that scene, that scene really helped heal me. I don't think the Cupid scene is inherently homophobic, and I'm often bothered by the lack of nuance regarding around how it's handled.

I recognize it's a very emotional scene, and that people may have a hard time fully separating their emotions from that scene, but at the same time if there's a group of people saying "hey I understand why you disliked this scene but it was really helpful to me as a child because of the different experiences I had" maybe slow the breaks and hear what others also in the community have to say before determining if the scene is homophobic. You don't have to like the scene, and yeah maybe the scene did hurt you but that doesn't make it homophobic.

I want to specify on my word choice there a little closer, because of course outing someone is an act of homophobia, and the scene is homophobic in that sense. However often times the conversation about homophobia in this scene goes to "Rick was homophobic for writing this" where personally I would say this scene toes the line at being too far without ever crossing it. Some people may think this depiction crosses the line into "Rick was homophobic for writing this" which is fine, but just because something depicted homophobia and hurt you doesn't mean it was homophobic. Something doesn't have to out rightly be stated to be bad, in order to be read as bad*, and the Cupid scene does a wonderful job of depicting this.

I talk here about how Nico is shown what love is, and how love is treated by Nico, and how it affects his character. I think it's important to note that Nico's entire storyline can essentially be encompassed in an Orpheus-like or Odyssey-like tale. Nico's undergone this huge emotional and physical labor all in the name of having some form of unconditional love. I think that post is a really important read in the context of this one because I very carefully outline how love shapes Nico and how Nico shape and chooses his own definition of love, but I want to specifically dig into the Cupid scene on this post.

The big criticism often seen is "it's homophobic" which I covered above, and I want to clarify I'm not upset with or mad at or trying to tell anyone they can't dislike it or even say you can't say it's homophobic (my words on my one post are a bit off I'll admit) but the problem I have is when people believe they hold a moral high ground for thinking it's homophobic, or they remove all nuance from the discussion with "it's homophobic". Which is frustrating and annoying because it's a very complex scene, and it really changes Nico's arc and personality and it does help characterize him.

The big reason it shapes him so much is because of the other largest reason the scene is criticized, Cupid's behavior. What often fails to be recognized in those scenes is that Cupid is intentionally painted as the villain, this is very important to the scene.

In the context of this scene Nico makes an unspoken choice, a choice of "what is love to me?". I talk about how Nico claims his narrative in BoTL when he overcomes Minos, and he partially peaks that arc by convincing Gods to join the final battle of TLO. Following that arc however, Nico falls into his second arc, his crush on Percy was important in PJO, but not as important as it is in HoO.

By HoO Nico's entire character revolves around Percy, how to help Percy, how to aid Percy, etc. All of this has to do with Nico's crush on Percy, but also as an act of repayment because Nico hurt Percy- Nico lied to him about knowing him at New Rome in SoN, and he goes to Tartarus shortly after... This mirrors what Percy did after Hades tricked Nico... Percy choked Nico because he was upset with him, so Nico tried to win back Percy's affection by bathing him in the river.

The Cupid Scene is the resolution of Nico's arc, he is essentially given a choice- Cupid or Jason?

For this reason, we do see Nico recognize love for what it has been vs how it could be.

Cupid is there to represent what love is, to Nico love is brutal, and painful, and a lot of hard work... Nico has made himself utilitarian in love simply because it is the only way he can find any affection. Love to Nico is about flaying yourself for the benefit of others, to trample any and all parts of yourself simply to appease those you care for, because you want them to love you so much as you love them. The parallels I could draw between Nico and Orpheus, or Nico and Odysseus... I'd be here a long while...

In that scene Jason represents the alternative form of love which Nico chooses after his interaction with Cupid.

Jason says during the scene that he "preferred Piper's idea of love" which has to do with kindness and caring, etc, and then Jason becomes the embodiment of that idea during the scene- which showcases the alternative of what love can be, thus making Jason a personification of love in the context of that scene.

Jason looks to Nico, he doesn't ask for more, he simply looks to Nico with understanding and acknowledges him for who he is, and he does the exact opposite of what Nico expects:

Jason loves Nico where he is, without conditions, without forcing Nico to become something more. Jason didn’t force Nico to say more than what was necessary for him to understand, Jason looked at Nico and he called Nico brave.

Cupid is a more volatile form of love than Aphrodite, Cupid shoots arrows that makes people animals, that can make a god grow insane, but Aphrodite's form of love is about acceptance and humanity (think to how she picked Ares over Hephaestus even if it was perhaps "wrong")- both are about truth but one is about force and the other about acceptance.

When Nico walks out of there, he makes his choice- he is forced to come out yes, Cupid is wrong for doing this, but Jason again stays a figure of love in Nico's life. Jason basically says, "Good job, I know that was hard, thank you for sharing and let me know if you need anything, people will care about you and understand you," again and again and again to Nico, he doesn't tell Nico he has to come out, and he agrees to keep it between them for now. Jason is love as acceptance, Jason is the first person who unconditionally loves Nico, and that's the choice.

Will Nico accept unconditional love? If the answer is no, then Cupid wins and Nico is denying himself. If the answer is yes, then Jason and Nico win, and Nico no longer needs to make himself utilitarian in love in order to be loved.

The choice is made with Reyna and Hedge, most specifically Reyna.

When he accidentally comes out to them, and they accept him without making a big deal of it, without show, just that acknowledgement and "thank you for sharing" and Nico accepts their words and friendship still- Nico made his choice then to accept the love he was being freely given.

“He carried so much sadness and loneliness, so much heartache. Yet he put his mission first. He persevered. Reyna respected that. She understood that. She'd never been a touchy-feely person, but she had the strangest desire to drape her cloak over Nico's shoulders and tuck him in. She mentally chided herself. He was a comrade, not her little brother. He wouldn't appreciate the gesture.”

This is where we see the slow and steady, and healthy, end to Nico's arc in regards to love really grow into itself, and he begins to heal. He no longer sees such an intense need to make himself utilitarian for love, and he begins to heal from his internalized homophobia too.

(Internalized homophobia discussions with Nico also bother me too often times, people too often assume you can't date while struggling with internalized homophobia or at least very heavy handedly imply that which is just not true... You may have some issues in your relationship, but you can work through the internalized homophobia while building a new relationship and be just fine. Also to assume someone has an unhealthy relationship because of internalized homophobia is weird and lowkey reinforces the idea that "broken" people don't need love, but also does a huge disservice to so many LGBTQ+ people who are happily married/themselves but still struggle with these feelings, and to see a healthy relationship depiction despite someone in that relationship struggling with internalized homophobia is fine and good actually. As long as the individual can recognize what they're dealing with, and work through it in a healthy and constructive manner, then there's nothing wrong there...)

When I started this post to be honest I thought I would have a lot more to say, it's a scene that touched and changed me so deeply as a person, and beyond that in a more objective experience it completely changes Nico's character, by turning his arc around and beginning his healing process. To be honest, there probably is more to be said on it, I just haven't found the words yet... I know parts of this post are clunky and in a year I'm going to read this and see all the places it could be better but for now I'm content with it.

Whether or not someone considers the scene homophobic is a subjective experience, but I think this is a very well written scene purely for the characterization and symbolism, intentional or otherwise. I don't really care that much to debate if it's truly a homophobic scene or not, I can see both why people say it is and why people say it isn't and that can be culminated into "people have different needs" and "minorities aren't a monolith". Personally my much larger complaint is the complete lack of nuance and insight scenes like this are handled with, not the matter of personal opinion an individual reaches on the scene.

*the post uses the word "adult audience" and yes, fair point, children should not be able to decipher symbolism to the extent adults can. But older children and young teens, which the RRverse series are sold for, is when critical thinking skills and media analysis do begin to become parts of classroom curriculum. The scene does an excellent job of not outright stating Cupid is evil, but of depicting that in a very clear cut way.

#nevermind i lied here you go #nico di angelo #meta #long post #anon #ask #internalized homophobia #fandom homophobia

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unhealthyfanobsession · 3 years ago

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cassian, mor and nesta 🙃

Ohhhhh hunni. H U N N I. I really was being nice with my unpopular Mor opinion yesterday because a lot of my thoughts have been said but now the gloves are coming off.

I don’t even think this is that unpopular of an opinion but the vehemence with which I feel that Mor needs to absolutely fucking get her fucking ass the fuck out of Cassian and Nesta’s relationship is beyond caring about the rules.

Point the first, Ms. “My gift is truth” (whatever the fuck that means, it sure isn’t being HONEST WITH PEOPLE), 100% clocked Nessian mate bond in ACOMAF during the whole “I’ll die protecting your people Nesta” scene and basically spent the next several books not wanting Cassian to be with his mate because she was… “mean”.

Point the second, if I have to hear from one more damn anti about that F U C K I N G dress scene in ACOWAR I am going to LOSE MY MIND!!! People be going off saying Nesta’s a slut shamer (the same people who then one book later, yknow, slut shame Nesta for sleeping around despite the fact that Feysand is fucking in the sky and Cassian apparently used to screw people in back alleys behind Rita’s) when literally all she said was that she didn’t like Mor’s dress. They were literally joking about Mor tearing Nesta’s dress off of her while Mor was just grabbing at her.

Point the third, Mor is so “defensive” of Cassian, snapping at Nesta not to talk to him after he’s injured and trying to convince him to let her rot in ACOSF but as a WOMAN who spent the first 17 years of her life UNDER THE CONTROL OF MEN she is completely incapable of maybe seeing how Cassian purposefully goading Nesta, who is a new Fae and terrified that her sister has gone insane. Mor should have told Cassian to leave Nesta alone. Point blank. Yes I love the banter. Yes we all love to read Nessian rip into each other but you CAN NOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. Either it is unacceptable that Nesta is “rude” to Cassian (which btw he has NEVER complained about before ACOSF) or it is unacceptable that Cassian literally seeks Nesta out to rile her up because it’s fun.

Cassian is a big boy who likes to play with silver flames and that gets him burned.

Point the fourth, there is literally nothing more fucked up in the series than Mor wanting to throw Nesta in the CON/human lands/prison. As if these people have ANY leg to stand on judging someone for *checks notes* sleeping around, drinking too much, and gambling with Rhys’ money….

Those are literally the IC’s only pastimes.

Comparing Nesta spiraling to the people who PUT NAILS IN MOR’S STOMACH BECAUSE SHE HAD SEX IS ABSOLUTE INSANITY.

Also, a while back I wrote a one shot where Nesta DOES go to the Court of Nightmares and in that I talked about how fucked it is that the IC literally only cares about Velaris and how they think the CON is so horrific but then just… let’s all of the people there suffer??? Like yeah some people are bad but we are supposed to believe that every single person in the history of the CON is evil except for Mor???

And Yknow what I’m going to leave you all with a quote from the description of that one shot because it really sums up all of my feelings:

“How easily this inner circle dismissed people. Judged amd condemned and sentenced them without a second thought. As if shining golden hair and royal blood were required to be a dreamer born into the Court of Nightmares. As if every mutilated female under this cauldron forsaken mountain did not dream of a better life. It was hard to look up at the stars and wish when one had never seen the night sky.”

(The one shot is on A03 and it’s called Nightmare Dressed Like a Daydream for anyone requiring some ANGST that was really my most snapped fanfic moment after that whole *ACOSF* thing happened.)

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icedflames · 4 years ago

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Hello beautiful, can you list all the reasons why Elriel is not toxic and why it won’t be a toxic relationship. I’m tired of hearing people say that Elriel is toxic.

Alright, hang on... This is a long one.

“Azriel just wants Elain for sex.”

False. Until ACOSF, we had no indication that Azriel had sexual feelings for Elain. Based on his thoughts in the bonus chapter, his actions throughout ACOSF, we can infer that Azriel has romantic feelings for Elain. His friend.

The following scenes, read together, imply that Azriel has feelings for Elain beyond platonic or sexual feelings (I have only included my favorites for the sake of brevity):

ACOWAR

But Azriel asked softly, “What about Elain?” Something cold went through me. (Chp. 63)

From the shadows near the entrance to the tent, Azriel said, as if in answer to some unspoken debate, “I’m getting her back.” Nesta slid her gaze to the shadowsinger. Azriel’s hazel eyes glowed golden in the shadows. Nesta said, “Then you will die.” Azriel only repeated, rage glazing that stare, “I’m getting her back.” (Chp. 64)

The gray light of morning had broken over the world, mist clinging to our ankles as we headed into that camp, Azriel still cradling Elain to his chest. (Chp. 65)

She let out a sob at the sight of Elain, still in Azriel’s arms. (Chp. 65)

Cassian gawked at Azriel, and I wondered how often Azriel had lent out that blade— Never, Rhys said from where he finished buckling on his own weapons against the side of the wagon. I have never once seen Azriel let another person touch that knife. (Chp. 69)

ACOFAS

Azriel strode to the lone window at the end of the room and peered into the garden below. [...] “Azriel remained at the window. [...] Azriel said, turning from the garden window at last. (Chp. 16)

Az said nothing. No, he just moved toward her. Mor tensed beside me. But Azriel only took Elain’s heavy dish of potatoes from her hands, his voice soft as night as he said, “Sit. I’ll take care of it.” (Chp. 12)

I made to move toward her, but someone beat me to it. The shadowsinger was clad in a black jacket and pants similar to Rhysand’s—the fabric immaculately tailored and built to fit his wings. He still wore his Siphons atop either hand, and shadows trailed his footsteps, curling like swirled embers, but there was little sign of the warrior otherwise. Especially as he gently said to my sister, “Happy Solstice.” (Chp. 19)

Azriel mastered himself enough to say, “Thank you.” I’d never seen his hazel eyes so bright, the hues of green amid the brown and gray like veins of emerald. “This will be invaluable.” (Chp. 20)

ACOSF

“Because of the shit with Elain?” Azriel stilled. “What happened to Elain?”

Cassian waved a hand. “A fight with Nesta. Don’t bring it up,” he warned when Azriel’s eyes darkened. Cassian blew out a breath. “I take that as a no regarding the meeting topic, then.” [...] Cassian surveyed the shadows gathered around Az. “You all right?” His brother nodded. “Fine.” But shadows still swarmed him. (Chp. 20)

Azriel stiffened. “I know. I helped rescue Elain, after all.” Az hadn’t so much as hesitated before going into the heart of Hybern’s war-camp.” (Chp. 22)

He was still happy to be Mor’s buffer with Azriel, but there’d been a change lately. In both of them. Mor no longer sat beside Cassian, draped herself over him, and Azriel … those longing glances toward her had become few and far between. As if he’d given up. After five hundred years, he’d somehow given up. Cassian couldn’t think why. (Chp. 22)

“No. But we need to summon Lucien,” Azriel said, just a shade tightly, as if he didn’t like it one bit. (Chp. 31)

Elain just linked her arm through Nesta’s and led her toward the family room, where Azriel stood in the doorway, monitoring them. As if he’d heard Elain’s sharp laugh and wondered what had caused it. (Chp. 58)

I also want to add... That the notion that Azriel only has sexual feelings is immediately disproven by a close reading of the bonus chapter:

Rhys bared his teeth. "So you will leave Elain alone. If you need to fuck someone, go to a pleasure hall and pay for it, but stay away from her."

Azriel snarled softly.

Azriel snarled in response to Rhys’ suggestion that his feelings are only sexual. The entire scene was Rhys not understanding that Azriel actually had feelings for Elain. Rhys even suggested that Azriel still had feelings for Mor when Cassian had noted that Azriel no longer pined for Mor.

To add, Azriel is not going antagonize Rhys and potentially kick off a feud between courts if he only wanted Elain for sex.

ALSO!!!!

AZRIEL IS NOT GOING TO DECLARE HIS LOVE FOR ELAIN IN A BONUS CHAPTER. NO AUTHOR WILL EVER GIVE AWAY A MAJOR PLOT POINT/TWIST IN A BONUS CHAPTER. THAT WILL BE IMPORTANT AND WILL BE SAID IN THE NEXT BOOK!

Cassian never admitting his feelings for Nesta in Wings and Embers. Hell, Nesta kicked him in the balls. But we don’t doubt Nessian, now do we?

I answered another anon here comparing Wings and Embers to Azriel’s bonus chapter, comparing the themes and overall feel.

“Azriel feels entitled to Elain as the third sister.”

False. Azriel began to show interest in Elain prior to Nesta and Cassian getting together. Please see the quotes above if you don’t believe me. Also, please see my post on the progression of their relationship here.

Azriel is the first person to figure out what Elain’s powers were. He pulled her from her trance. Immediately after the seer reveal, we start to see Elain revert back to normal.

Azriel is the one who defends Elain against scrying, a very dangerous thing in ACOTAR may I remind you, when she is not there to defend herself.

Azriel is the one who would sit with Elain outside in the gardens.

Azriel lent Elain his most prized possession to keep her safe during the war.

“Azriel coddles her.”

False. Azriel gave Elain truth teller to defend herself. I’d hardly call that coddling.

Let’s take a look at that scene that misguidedly causes people to think that Azriel “coddles” Elain.

Azriel stiffened, an outright sign of temper from him as he said quietly, “There is an innate darkness to the Dread Trove that Elain should not be exposed to.”

“But Nesta should?” Cassian growled.

Is Cassian coddling Nesta? No. They both have the same reaction.

The coddling Elain experiences is from the Inner Circle constantly thinking she’s meek and reduces her to a simple girl who likes to garden.

“It doesn’t matter what I think. Go back to Feyre and your little garden.”

and then when Nesta refuses to let Elain scry for the trove:

“Why?” Elain demanded. “Shall I tend to my little garden forever?” When Nesta flinched, Elain said, “You can’t have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater.”

Very different scenarios. It’s one thing to be protective (one of SJM’s favorite trope for romantic love interests). It’s another to belittle a person and then not let them grow. That is what Elain is referring to. That is the coddling she cannot stand.

“Azriel is too messed up mentally to be with anybody.”

False. This is demonstrably false. It is fanon. When this argument is used, it’s used to discredit Elain as a love interest and prop Gwyn up. If Azriel is too messed up to be with Elain, he’s too messed up to be with anybody. Period.

Nesta parallels Azriel in a lot of ways. And everybody loves Nesta and Cassian’s relationship now. Azriel does not have any of the mental illnesses the WebMD doctors come up with every other day. At the most, he has issues with his self worth and possible depression. At the most.

Saying that a character cannot be in a romantic relationship due to his mental health directly implies that individuals who are suffering with mental health issues cannot get into romantic relationships. That’s wrong and that’s mean.

In Conclusion

Elain and Azriel went from being strangers, to friends, to now possible lovers in a span of two years.

Their relationship is the most realistic one SJM has written. Nothing about them is toxic. They are kind and considerate of one another. Their feelings have slowly progressed and there are barriers to their relationship (namely, Elain’s mating bond to Lucien).

There is a difference between not liking Elain and Azriel together (an opinion) and saying Elain and Azriel are toxic together (a falsehood).

#asks #elriel #pro elriel #elain #azriel #mine

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gotnofucks · 4 years ago

Text

Choose

Written for @darkficsyouneveraskedfor Halloween Challenge! This is my first time posting here, so be kind 😊

Character pairing: dark!Steve x Reader

Summary: Steve realizes he can’t let you go when you’re stuck in a safe house with him.

Quote: I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched

Words: 4.1k

Warnings: Non-con (implied), non-con touching, blackmail, coercion, 18+ only. Please don’t read if you don’t like.

MASTERLIST

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The rain was falling in torrents and how you made your way through it you would never know. It was only September, but the rain made it much colder and you were so glad that you were in a car with heating on. Steve was driving almost blind and if it were someone else, you would be scared, but it was him and so you let yourself sink into the seat and relax.

“Take my jacket, you look cold” He said as he shot your slightly shivering form a sharp look.

You nod and reach behind to take his jacket and wrap it around your body. You do it without hesitation and with no question. Always so trusting and obedient, at least, when it came to him. You were small, in fact positively diminutive when it came to the super soldier sitting beside you and seemed to drown in his jacket. He smiled when he saw you, and you smile back at his cheeky look.

“How long until we get to the safe house? I am hungry.” You asked, wiggling in your seat.

“Not long. It’s right in the middle of this clearing. Maybe 10 more minutes”, He answered, reaching over to pat your knee in assurance.

“You’ve been there before?”

“Twice. Nat and I set it up just after we took down Shield and then later crashed here with Sam and Buck around 2 years ago. It’s safe and cozy.”

You hum and played with your fingers. It was only going to be the two of you this time. It didn’t bother you all that much. You would rather it be him than anyone else. Well, maybe Tony, but after him you liked Steve the best. You were one of the younger avengers, having been recruited only two years ago by Clint Barton. You used to work for a covert government organization IMF where Clint was undercover for a few years and seeing your talent with a gun and a computer, he had once asked your help in one of his Avengers missions where you met Tony Stark who immediately took a liking to you and trained you under him.

You worked as Tony’s tech girl, helping mostly with recon missions for a few months. Then Natasha started training you for field missions and low and behold, you were kicking ass with them for nearly 6 months now. You haven’t done very difficult missions yet, and not a single solo. Mostly you’re paired with Nat and Clint or, as this time, with Steve. Tony assured you he’ll let you do a solo soon, but always lamented that ever since you got outside, he missed his lab buddy.

You loved these small missions with Steve. He was always patient with you and taught you the drills but didn’t hold back. He would let you take the lead at times and was always proud of even the smallest achievement. At first when you had met, you had been kind if intimidated of his aloofness, but it didn’t take long for you both to bond over cheesy 40s music and your mutual love for art.

“Y/n, we’re here” Steve announced and got out of the car. You followed, grabbing your small bag and ran through the rain to the porch. It was like a getaway cabin and you were so glad you didn’t have to stay in some dingy hole. You wanted warmth, food, and a comfortable place to sleep.

Steve shut the door behind you and took off his wet shoes, putting them upside down near the door. You take off his jacket and your shoes too, grateful to be away from the squelching soles.

“There’s no fireplace” You observe with a pout, and Steve chuckled.

“Y/n, it’s a safe house. The smoke would let people know someone is living here. We don’t want that now, do we?” He gave you an indulgent smile and walked through to the kitchen, starting to unpack the supplies and food.

“But I am cold!” You whine, and for that moment Steve realized your age gap. He gestured for you to come to him while he put the water to boil and you slowly approached him with small steps. Once you are in front of him, he looked at your damp hair and clothes, thankful that his jacket had prevented you from getting too wet.

“You cold, huh?” He asked, hooking a hang around your waist to pull you against his chest. You stumble and steady yourself with both hands against his massive shoulders, your head a couple inches below his shoulder.

“Yeah” You moan, wrapping your arms around his body. “How the hell are you always warm, eh?”

Steve chuckles again and continues to cook while hugging you with an arm around your body. This closeness isn’t new. He would never admit it, but Captain Steve Rogers is a serial cuddler and you are his favourite cuddle buddy. He would cuddle you on the couch during movie nights, he would cuddle you after returning from a tough mission and he would cuddle you when you get your period. Steve Rogers was your best friend, and you felt safe with him. But you didn’t know Steve Rogers wanted to be more than just your friend. He wanted you with him when he went to sleep and when he woke up, he wanted you when he cooked and when he took a shower. No, you had no idea that the National treasure of America was in love with you.

It wasn’t like he was hiding his feelings. He just never came out and said them out loud. Steve often believed that actions spoke louder than words and so he tried to tell you his feelings by doing little somethings for you. He learnt to make your coffee exactly the way you liked, he watched the movies you liked and read the books you read. He learnt to cook vegetarian dishes since you despised any kind of meat. More than anything, he tried to get along with Tony. Tony was your protective big brother/father, and he loved you enough to scare off every man who ever looked at your way. You were the only one in the team to have rooms on the same floor as Tony and you both shared a kitchen. Steve knew that if he wanted you to himself, he needed to get on Tony’s good side. So, he bit his tongue when he wanted to snap and gave his go ahead to things he deeply disapproved of, just to have to build back the old trust. It worked out, since Steve was one of the only people who were allowed a mission with you.

“Will there be hot water for a shower?” You asked, body being warmed by Steve. He looked down at your face, full of childish innocence and stripped off every hardness after a tired mission.

“Maybe, but definitely not enough for both of us” Steve commented. The vegetable stew needed to simmer for a while, so he sat you both down on the worn couch in the living room, your head on his shoulder and his arm still around you. He had hoped you would pick up on his feelings, since having you this close did things to him. Your soft body fit so perfectly into his large one that he never wished to part from you. Maybe tonight would be that night.

“I’ll call Tony and eat. You take that shower and save me some hot water if you can.” You said and took out your phone to let Tony know you were safe and would leave for compound in the morning as planned. Steve looked at you walk away, speaking softly to Tony and wished more than ever that the rain outside would turn into a storm just to prolong your stay. He didn’t get to have you alone a lot at the compound. There were always other people around, always Wanda wanting female company or Peter following you around asking how you impressed Tony. He liked it here in this little cabin, cooking a meal for you after a hard day of work.

“Tony says to leave early tomorrow so we can reach home by lunch. He wants to take me to meet Stephen Strange” You say suddenly, breaking out Steve from his domestic fantasy.

“Stephen Strange? Why?”, he asked, frowning.

“Tony and him and doing some weird wizard-avenger collab in that Nepal place- what is it called, Kamartaj- for a few weeks”, you answer.

“What’s that got to do with you?” Steve asked, slightly irritated and hands curing into fists.

“He’s taking me along. Says he doesn’t want me away for so long. Also, this wiz, Dr. Strange, he’s apparently some kind of genius. Tony says I can learn a lot from him. But I think it’s just a ruse. I’m pretty sure they are dating, and he just wants me to meet him”, You say with a fond smile. Steve doesn’t smile or say anything.

Weeks? You’d be gone for weeks? That too in another country without him. He didn’t like that. He didn’t like that at all.

“You wanna go?” He asked in what he hoped was a normal voice. He wanted you to say no, wanted to see that hesitation in your eyes as you thing of being away from him for weeks, maybe months.

“Sure, I think it would be fun. I wanna see the Himalayas and maybe I’ll visit India too. I’ve got a pen friend there who I’d love to meet.” Your reply was so nonchalant that for a moment Steve just stares, and then he is angry. Here was a perfect chance for you and him to spend time away from the overbearing presence of Tony Stark, but you would rather see snow covered mountains and meet a pen friend in India? He’d only thought you were being a little oblivious of his feelings, maybe deliberately trying not to acknowledge them as you wanted to take it slow. But it seems like you…it seems like you felt nothing beyond friendship for him at all. After all those months spent hugging and laughing together, and yet you would rather choose Tony over him. A rage settled over him and he needed to clench his jaw and curl his arm tight around the back of the couch to stop himself from grabbing you and…and doing things he had rather not do.

“Take that shower. Leave your wet clothes outside, I’ll see what I can do with them” Steve said suddenly.

“You sure you don’t want a shower too? We’ve got layers of grim from crawling through that tunnel.” You asked.

Steve looked at you for a minute, eyes rowing over your small face. He took in the little acne scars you were so self-conscious about, your slightly chapped lips and those beautiful eyes that reared him in. He nodded.

“Yeah, you go on. I’ll see if I need one” He said and went to the kitchen while you left for the bedroom with the connected bathroom.

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The bathroom was nicer than you had hoped, probably Nat’s doing if the products where anything to go by. You’d removed your wet clothes outside and stood naked under the stream of warm water, sighing with relief. It was a small mission but brutal on your body. It would have been heaven to have a tub in here, but safe houses were meant to be quick and effective, and this one was way better than others, so you didn’t complain. You were just going to wash your hair when the bathroom door opened, and Steve entered.

“Steve!” You shouted, hands covering your breast and turning so your back was to him. You looked at him with wide eyes, expecting him to sputter and leave but he stayed, eyes lingering on your ass a bit before meeting your eyes.

“Got any of that hot water left or have you finished all of it?” He asked, taking off his t-shirt and leaving his chest bare.

Your mouth opened in surprise as your backed yourself into the corner, trying to make sense of what was happening. Your best friend had just barged into your bathroom while you were showering and showed no signs of leaving.

“W-what are you doing, Steve?” You asked in a small voice, still covering yourself with your hands the best you could.

“Taking a shower. I told you we didn’t have enough water for two, so I thought I’d join you. You were right anyway, we are grimy.” He said and fumbling a bit, dropped his pants down too. You panicked, not understanding what was happening as Steve stood in his boxers, taking steps towards you.

“No. No no no no” You almost chanted that as a mantra, eyes going here and there, not knowing what to do. Steve reached your small body crowded into the corner and slowly, very slowly raised a hand to wipe away the dirty on your cheek. You started at his touch and quickly sidestepped, running towards the door. You didn’t know what had gotten into Steve, but you needed to get out of here. Now.

You’d taken only two steps before a hand wrapped around your waist and brought you back screeching to a hard chest, back against front.

“Stop. Steve, let me go. Please.” You said, your tears mingling with the water on your skin, one hand across your chest and other on his wrist trying to pry it off.

“No sweetheart, you need to take this shower. You’re dirty and tired. Come.” You hated his voice for being soft and soothing still, showing no indication of what he was doing to you. His voice was still your Stevie’s voice, calm, cool, a little commanding and full of affection for you.

“I- Steve, I don’t want a shower. Not like this, please.” You tried to break away, wiggling and crying but Steve didn’t listen and dragged you back and turned on the water again. You both were bombarded with hot water and stood under it for a minute before Steve turned it off again.

“Gimme that shampoo, I’ll do your hair.” He said, releasing you from his hold. But it wasn’t any good as you were blocked by the wall on your back and Steve at your front. You hadn’t turned around yet, but now you did. Sobbing, with thighs squeezed tight to hide you down there and hands inefficiently covering your breasts, you looked at him with betrayed eyes. You didn’t try running again. You knew his strength; you have trained with him. He could take you down in seconds.

“Why are you doing this? What is happening?” Your voice was small and broken, sending a pang through Steve’s heart. He loved you and didn’t want to hurt you, but you needed to see his feelings for you. He couldn’t risk you going away for months. He just couldn’t. His eyes slowly moved down from your face, taking in every inch of your body exposed, not touching, only looking.

“We’re taking a shower after which we will eat our food while we watch some stupid movie on that laptop of yours. Then, we’ll cuddle and sleep with you on my chest and tomorrow morning you will call Tony and tell him you won’t join him for his trip to Nepal.”

He was mad. He was insane, you were sure of it. Face burning with humiliation under his gaze, fire began sparking in your eyes. How dare this tall buff blond muffin think it okay to invade your space and demand such things from you? Just who the fuck did he think he was.

“No. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but you need to stop. Get out, or if you want to shower, let me go out. I’m done with whatever game you are playing.” You sneered at him. Steve had to smile at this, his little spitfire. He didn’t really expect you to give in easily, that’s not the girl he knew and trained. You were with the avengers because you could handle stuff others would wet themselves with. You were strong and he knew that. But he was stronger.

“What’s gotten into me?” He asked, closing the distance between you so you were against the wall and caged by his arms on either side. His face was inches away and your breathing sped up. He looked cruel and menacing, the blue eyes you loved so much taking on a much darker hue. “You have gotten in me. You got under my skin and in my thoughts and in my heart. Now I want you under me.”

He bent down and you were sure he was going to force a kiss on your mouth but he surprised you by pressing his lips softly on your forehead like he did when you had nightmares or right before a mission. It was a kiss of reassurance and love, and somehow, that just scared you more. Whatever Steve thought he was doing, he believed it was driven by love. And when Steve loved someone, he loved them without abandon. If he went against everyone to save his friend, what would he do to have you?

“Steve…please…” You didn’t know what to say or what to do. You wanted to get away from him and cover yourself up to get some control back. You wanted to talk to him and forget this ever happened and get back your best friend.

“You have two options. First, we both take a bath right now. I won’t touch you where you don’t want me to, we eat, and sleep and you go back with me to the compound like a good girl and tell everyone we are together. Or..” His eyes narrowed here, “Or, I could take you right here, right now and make you mine with little option. I could rail you deep and hard so you will feel me deep inside you for days on end. I know you’re not on birth control and I have no condoms with me, so if you get pregnant, you best believe I’ll have you tied down to myself with a ring on that finger by the end of the month. The choice is yours.”

Your heart sank. You looked into his eyes, your whole body shaking and knees ready to give up. He was serious! He was absolutely serious, and you had no idea what the fuck happened. Just an hour ago you were sure he was the person who made you feel the safest, but now that sanctuary had been torn apart and some possessive stranger had taken its place.

“You’re insane. You’ve lost it!” You cry, sliding down the wall as your knees collapsed, folding your knees to hide your nakedness. Steve followed you down and wrapped his arms around your small form.

“I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched. You own me, my heart and soul. And soon, I’ll have you too. How that happens is your choice. Choose.” His tone bore no argument. You had just one card to play.

“Tony would never stand for it. He’ll find out, I’ll tell him and then you’ll be done.” You made your tone harsh and full of venom. You don’t know what you expected him to do, but it definitely wasn’t laugh. It was an amused chuckle, like a daddy who was indulging his silly daughter, full of patronizing hilarity.

“Sweetheart, you don’t think I have a plan for that? Even if I spend months bringing you flowers and singing love ballads from your window, he wouldn’t exactly be convinced. He isn’t exactly fond of me, is he? I had a plan in place for months. I didn’t want to have to use it honestly, I wanted you to come to me of your own violation. But I just thought as a back up plan…” You screamed as he suddenly scooped you up in his arms, still wet and naked and carried you out to the bedroom. He deposited you on the bed and gave you a towel that you hastily covered yourself with. You looked behind you and the door was locked. It wasn’t any use anyway; he could outrun you in his sleep.

Steve got his phone out and showed you the screen, making your heart drop. There were numerous pictures of you with your family and friends from the past two years. Not just those, pictures of you with your previous team, the IMF, Ethan Hunt, and others. How Steve got these pictures you didn’t know, but it scared you.

“Everyone, every single person in these pictures has a target on their backs. I have had a sniper after all of them for over a year, mostly just to keep an eye on you and to make sure you are safe. But don’t think for one second that I will hesitate to take them out. There is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do to keep you with me.” He sat beside you on the bed and putting a finger under your chin turned your face towards him. “It doesn’t need to be nasty, sweetheart. I don’t want to be the bad guy. I have never been one and you can keep me from doing anything drastic. All you need to do is convince Tony that you are the one who wants me. You are the only person he actually trusts, so you need to make it believable. He has denied you nothing, and if you come to him yourself and tell him you want me…well…no one has to die, do they.”

This was a nightmare. Everything that has happened to you today is a nightmare. You didn’t want to believe Steve would hurt anyone, but then you didn’t think him capable of forcing him on you either. If there was even the tiniest bit of chance that he could harm anyone of your friends and family…no. You couldn’t let that happen.

“Option one”, You whispered softly, eyes downcast and lips trembling.

“What was that?” Steve asked, turning your face up again so he could look in your eyes.

“I choose option one. We- We eat and sleep and I call Tony I won’t go with him. Then we can tell everyone we are together.”

Steve grinned, his happy grin that everyone said only you brought out in him. It unnerved you that a man you loved and respected so much was doing this.

“My good girl” He praised, and then he leaned down and pressed his mouth on yours. The kiss was gentle and soft, his mouth lazily moving against yours. If it were happening any other way, you would have enjoyed it. He broke away and looked at you with eyes that sparkled. “You’ll love me too, one day. I am yours, and you are mine.”

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True to his word, you guys ate your dinner and watched a movie as you cuddled like you usually did at movie nights. Steve held you close, sometimes brushing his nose against the side of your neck or rubbing his hand along your sides. Afterwards, he laid down beside you, spooning your small body and holding it snug against his. He was warm, and you didn’t have anymore fight in you for today. The day was too fast and weird for you to process. You vowed to sleep now and to think of a way to get to Tony without arousing Steve’s suspicion. You weren’t ready to give up now.

You’d been asleep for only a couple hours before you felt cold air around your body. You woke up with a start and found yourself on your back, your t-shirt removed and Steve hovering over you, placing open mouth kisses along your bare chest.

“Steve! Steve stop!” You screamed, pushing against his chest. He looked at you with eyes blown wide with lust and taking your hands in one of his, he held them up while he tweaked your nipple with his other making you squirm. He bent down and swallowed your protests with a deep kiss, his tongue forcing its way inside your mouth and tasting you while he moaned.

“Steve please,” You were sobbing now, and trashing your legs which he held down with a strong thigh. “You…you promised. You said I get to choose. I chose option one”

Steve looked at you for a moment then kissed your cheek softly. Moving his hand between your thighs he murmured in your ear, “I’ve changed my mind. I can’t wait anymore”

#rooshalloweenficfest #steve x reader #dark!steve x reader #dark!steve rogers #dark!steve rogers x reader #dark!steve x you #dark!steve rogers x you #dark!fic

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