#I’m just figuring out abt this now
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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bought pre-cut fruit & am finally able to eat fruit 👍 i love fruit but my adhd HATES having to cut things & i cannot just bite into a fruit bc it creates a sensory issue for me when my face gets sticky i can’t stand it so like i have had to narrow down so much the ways i can eat fruit 😭 but anyway being able to just eat it made me actually eat the fruit i am so happy 😩 next i need to get smth that will cut onions for me so i can cook like 90% of the things i want to cook but can’t make myself bc i don’t want to chop an onion so badly…..
#michelle speaks#unfortunately they don’t pre-cut most of my favorite fruits but that’s ok i still like the fruits they do cut#they don’t have most of the fruits i like in general rn bc i love plums and peaches and pears#pears are in season but they don’t have my favorite pear anymore it seems 😔 red bartlett my beloved 😭#SOMEONE. TOOK my last red bartlett pear that i was going to eat & favor for NO REASON. and i have not been able to have another one since#*SAVOR not favor#it was cruelly stolen from me. AFTER i requested it not be. i was going to say it’s fine but it isn’t.#and it will NOT be fine until i can have another one again. which they do not have them at whole foods rn. so who knows when that will be 😑#took myself over to the whole foods website which states that ALLEGEDLY. they have red pears. which they do NOT!!!!! bc i checked two days#ago and they DONT. not that it matters bc i am too mentally exhausted to cut a fruit which was the whole point of this post#and now i’m just complaining that i can’t get a pear and a previous incident that took place where i was ROBBED.#but ANYWAY!!!!! i bought fruit and ENJOYED it bc i didn’t have to cut it and the moral of the story is that if u have adhd and cannot do#things u should figure out what abt the task bothers u and see if there is a way to get around it or make it easier. supercorp bless u
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kiddos!
(used this old render as a ref)
#myart#marky#bow#kelly#dhestyn#gaston#sue#stella#i had a lil bit of fun w this one#this might be the first time i’ve ever fully finished a piece. like. in my life.#color & background & all#i like how it turned out!!#in total it took me ~18 hours but i admit that at least some of that time was literally just me trying to learn how procreate works#i figured it out. mostly. kind of.#idk what i’m gonna do now#maybe i’ll finish the mbz character lineup i started#i might just like… redo that whole thing though actually#mm. don’t know. n e way.#going left is the title of the canon story btw. i know that’s on my blog in few places but. yea#post-canon which is what i post abt most often (when the kids are… no longer kids. adults.) is called going right#i… thought it was funny#going left was supposed to be a placeholder but it has been 10 years atp so. doubt it’s gonna change#rainyrambles
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feeling a little weird about this holiday season and i’m not really sure why
#I’m not upset that I’m not with my family. i think I’m just like. idk. i think I’m just sad#in general. like I’m glad I don’t have to be w my family this holiday season bc I. don’t like them#but. idk. I just feel Weird……. and almost apprehensive? idk#but I also keep thinking about how I don’t remember the last time someone got me a thoughtful gift without me asking for it lol#I think the closest I’m getting this year is the puzzle my mom sent me. but even then. I don’t have the space to put it together. so like.#and. thinking abt how the last couple times I’ve done a secret santa exchange I just. never ended up getting *my* gift bc people dropped#out and it never got figured out. and like that’s fine. shit happens. but when it leaves me giving and giving and giving… I get tired#boy I’m so exhausted lately lmao I popped an advil pm and now that I’m winding down I’m just. crying as I sit here w this lol#at least I’m included in the ss at my new job despite being Brand New and. I’m sure I’ll get something fun out of that lol#anyway. that’s my complaining for the night. time to honk shoo#i say things
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????? I can’t believe I never posted these here … sosorry bxd nation …
#I just. exited my drafts for two seconds & all the tags here disappeared.#oh well :^)#tumblrs telling me to stop rambling abt how insane I am about them in my tags I see#anyway … I have a very specific brainworm I’m trying to figure out for them atm so if it seems like I’m posting here A Lot that is why#<- I also just have sooooo many old doodles that I didn’t have the confidence to post at the time that I want to post now B)#that hand hold will never leave my head#& also the chin/face (?) hold…. don’t get me started#one day I’ll finish these :’)
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Ough as the end draws near I’m seeing more and more comments that are making me nervous that the ending won’t live up to all the hype & expectations aaaa aa
#ask#for example#there’s a few notes I’ve forgotten about that we’re gonna be important but now make no sense in the story#so I’ve gotta figure out how to work them in#without it feeling forced#and at the same time#continuing with the idea I’ve been married to for a few weeks about what the ending is gonna be#but now I’m so nervous that people won’t like the ending#and I’ll have ruined this fic#sobs#ik most of you will hopefully enjoy it!! but even seeing a few be like ‘aw :( I hoped something else would happen’ is gonna be ROUGH#but honestly#thank you all for the amazing experience you’ve given me writing this#I never realized just how much I enjoy writing until I started writing this fic#and all the love has been so sos o life changing#so thank you all <3#one person specifically said I was ‘stalling’ but like :( I’m drawing out the tension. if I do things too quickly it won’t have any umph.#I just haven’t been able to stop thinking abt that comment sigh#personal
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Finally, my (min qty: 1) requisite Funky Yabusame Drawing. Like with the Tsubakura pic, you don’t gotta read too hard into the symbolism; I was mostly just doing whatever looked cool lol
#art#digital#len’en#yabusame houlen#my original brief for this was ‘Yabu but parts of her are transparent and apply a negative filter to the bg also weird perspective’#and this gets an acceptable amount of the way there#just. don’t look too hard at the foreshortening; there’s a reason my drawings almost never have any z-axis ok#the eye is overlaid with Suzumi’s eye of Senri (with the red eyelid) at 33% LOL#I wasn’t sure what else to do with it but that fit and I figure you can never go wrong with a good Suzumi allusion#speaking of Suzumi I’ve been drawing out a character lineup as I go to work out designs but also mainly colors#not posting that yet cause I wanna add Arde and Shion before I consider it done for now#(proooobably not drawing Tsurubami cause like you can extrapolate what they look like and I don’t wanna disambiguate their design details)#(vs Suzumi’s disguise I mean)#(also not sure abt Benny; we’ll see)#but anyway immediately after I drew Hamal Cine I got overtaken with the need to draw at least one pre-breakup suzutsuba thing#and I’m not posting it cause while it’s tame it’s still what I would classify as suggestive and I’d die#but like. dm me if u want it#Ok byeeee#scopophobia#eyestrain#whoops forgot I was gonna tag those just in case#softened the colors significantly compared to that one ux ven pic with 100% saturation on everything though lol
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I saw people post about how Mark said that none of the predictions are true, and everyone else is making up the most batshit crazy predictions, so I’m joining in cause it seems fun.
- Will is a made up entity from Tartarus that was meant to lure Nico down there again
- Will is a legacy of some god idk I didn’t think that far
- I think the goat in the new book is gonna be the one that’s non binary or satyr centaur, I can’t remember
- Eyo is the God Hypnos? Like the one the goat babysitter is supposed babysit (idk I just suddenly thought of it)
-Bianca will appear to Nico, but it’s gonna be a trap
- Will is gonna fly through a window at some point of the book
- Nico learns to drive
- Will is gonna learn to light travel ig
- Nico will turn into a shadow
- idk if he’ll come back but whatever
- there’s gonna be an epic running scene in Tartarus
- Will sees or there’s just a vision of Octavian cutting open a stuffy and giving them a death sentence, or an actual clue
- Jules Albert will be the one to press the button for the elevator
- Bob will start a pet shop if he makes it out
- the trogs are gonna help them in Tartarus
- Will is a creation made by the Gods
- that’s why he seems like he has charmspeak
I’m never doing this again, what are these, why am I so bad at this
#the sun and the star#tsats#will solace#nico di angelo#solangelo#william andrew solace#will solace pov#pjo#some of these don’t even make sense#but it’s ok#I think everyone already knows abt the stuff I’m writing#and I’m just figuring this stuff out now#these aren’t even tsats predictions anymore#tsats predictions
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the prednisone was mean to me overnight :(
#marzi speaks#probs bc i have a family member flying down today#to help make sure i’m not alone while my parents take a weekend trip to [OTHER CITY IN OUR STATE]#so i’m likely anxious abt that or smth#still it SUCKSSS#stayed up too late which gave it time for a mood swing so i went to bed kinda just sad and longing#then woke up at 4 am in a puddle of my own sweat (thank you steroid hot flashes)#and like. also mildly convinced i was about to start a new infusion and had to do specific prep for that#like i was in the damn hospital again#which. in hindsight is probably a trauma response. hm#but anyways by the time i went to the bathroom and my brain understood that the Wet on my back was sweat and not my own blood#i was able to go back to sleep. until around 7 am#tried to go back to sleep. got maybe another hour. saying fuck it and just getting up now#i’ll try to take a nap later#sighhh. ups and downs ups and downs#i’ll figure it out or whatever. but it is a little annoying#this isn’t exactly a vent but i don’t want anyone rbing it so
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I’m drinking black coffee in my parked car listening to the first rain of the season and I’m pretending it’s to wash my car but I feel cleaner. It’s been such a hard month but somethings washing away and that’s a good thing. This has been a poetic life update thank you for listening, back to your post soldier.
#I just had a promising proposal meeting with my boss abt new classes and I’m figuring out stuff about my writing#life is crazy but I think I’m okay right now and that’s lovely#also I started taking anti anxiety vitamins crazy how that happens#the rains slowing… :(
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I literally don’t know how to talk about and process this without sounding like some sort of weird incel but maybe that’s what’s going on
#like#I just want a support system it’s not that deep#but I hate feeling all triggered and emo and whatever abt it as if I’m some sort of tragic martyr#I’m just another 20 something living in USA with no good social support services#like this is just what happens#like I’m processing to myself in the tags and it sounds like something some drag queen would roast you for#like hi you never got enough attention from your parents and it’s obvious#like girlllll??????#I need to chill#no I do need to let myself process these emotions like I know what the healthy mindset is for this but GODD#a nerve was hit apparently#like there’s no more looking for parental figures the older you get#the people you wanted to be your parental figures are now just like your age???#what the fuck do I do with that#volunteer at a nursing home I guess#how do people stop pitying themselves forever about this and just live their lives like what the fuck#how do u do that when u still feel like u don’t have a solid support system irl like I guess really no one was coming to save me from#my parents like I’m just stuck here with no idea of where else to go#I have been getting very good at keeping myself open to change and new beginnings and whatever#but holy FUCK can someone hurry up and like let me live at their place for free and be nice to me and I will also be nice to them and maybe#I will be able to make money in a way that is not traumatizing and then we pay off our house and are friends with everyone and can handle#whatever life throws at us#like what about that huh#like what the fuck#ok I think I got all the weird ranting and being stupid and processing out
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going into instagram comments is crazy it’s like seeing into a (much MUCH) worse alternate reality like You ppl live such unfathomably terrible lives to me….
#aside from the general everything they’re just so boring and miserable. Btw#sorry it’s just i’ve had insta on my phone lately (unfortunately i can’t delete it until the party ☹��) & every SINGLE time i see some sort o#reel and i’m like HA yknow what i think? and then everyone in the comments is saying the complete opposite thing#every single time without fail#the other day i saw a reel where a bartender dumped all the leftover stuff from the thing (idk what it’s called) into a cup and every1 in#the comments was like ugh yucky disgusting / yk ppl put even grosser stuff in their mouths like genitals. besides if it’s cleaned regularly#enough it should be fine / that’s a big IF. meanwhile i’m like Yum jungle juice 😋#also one time i saw ppl talking abt how they sleep in binders at sleepovers COME ON reddit is free transtape exists. please#<- these r like the worst examples ever but it’s ok#also like the insane casual misogyny. it’s so bad out here guys#.txt#ppl arguing in the comments like ‘that’s like 2k calories’ / ‘why r u being negative besides it’s only like 300 at max’ / ‘it’s not#negativity’ GUYS. WHAT THE FUCK. CALORIES ARE GOOD I <3 ENERGY???? YOUR BODY ALSO LOVES ENERGY. COME ON. BUTTER 4 LYFE BITCH#OH AND ONE TIME someone made vanilla extract and the comments were all panicked muslims like oh no im rethinking all my vanilla extract#buying GUYS do you or do you not eat bread. great now figure out the alcohol content of fermented yeast vs a drop of ethanol in a cake (that#is being baked anyway!)
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haven’t been on much bc my dog has been sick :( between seizures and an infected tooth we’ve been having a Time trying to get everything fixed (this started around the holidays so our vet has been very booked up…we have been like 3-4 times in the past 4-5 weeks OTL does not help it’s like an hour drive there, so that’s been exhausting) now his new seizure meds are making him sick (was hoping it was like, just an adjustment period thing but he’s been sick for a week and having concerning symptoms…) if I’m not on a ton or slow to replying to messages it’s bc I’m working as much overtime as my job will give me bc Vet Expensive and mentally drained obvi 😞
#it makes me a lil mad his meds were kinda pricy and they literally are making things worse. like sure he isn’t have seizures but he can#barely walk and keeps running into things and keeps having diarrhea so like. 🙃 and the meds are making him sooo hungry and thirsty#I’m seeing the vet AGAIN FRIDAY I know she’s so sick of me but man my little guy. if she can’t figure out a combo that doesn’t have such#bad side effects I’m literally going to scream and cry#he’s the most sensitive boy in the world and my mental health hangs on his and my cats well being. please. 😭#sanchoyorambles#I’ve also called them like twice to find out if I should stop or what they want me to do and keep getting ‘oh they’ll call u back’ WHEN#GIRL MY PUBBY#if I don’t hear back before his next dose I’m just gonna make an executive decision myself to stop them for now#he’s literally on the smallest possible dose too bc he’s so little. so. they can’t go down in dosage they’ll need to put him on smth else 😑#which means paying for ANOTHER PRESCRIPTION A WEEK AFTER ALREASY GETTING ONE THAT WAS $30 ON TOP OF HIS STUPID VET BILL#screaming.#and like if I have the money it’s fine. and it’s not like the vet could’ve known he’d have bad side effects#im just frustrated it’s no one’s fault#I could go to a closer vet. the thing is I LIKE the one further away#they have the only groomer I’ve found that can trim him without sedating him! they send me reminders abt his shots! I like the vibes!!!#they seem caring!! but they are always SOOO BUSY it takes forever to make appointments or to hear back from them 😭#remember how I said one of my goals was to buy a vechicle this year lmao the vet bills are draining any savings I’ve managed to build up 🤧#my pets are priority 1 tho like even before all the medical stuff /I/ need like lol… that’s my baby#it’s just really bad timing. not that there’s good timing for medical issues but. u know
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I’m VERY proud of myself cause I’ve been HEAVILY improving in my communication skills recently, even when it comes to stressful or kinda scary confrontations, this shit rocks!!
#wolvenwhispers#BPD positivity#also finally been developing the ability to actually dissect my problems and WHY I’m upset#and figure out the sources of my stress and conflicts#like before I’d just stew in being upset and spiral and hold onto shit for way too long#now I can actually figure out why I got upset or feel a certain way and communicate abt it#Microdosing frontal lobe development by figuring out my mental illness
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ok i’m listening to yesterday’s vows and vengeance episode and i had to pause immediately because harding swearing by the stone was so unexpected??? the idea that surfacer dwarves still believe in the stone as an actual religion is so interesting because unlike the other religions in thedas that believe they were abandoned by their respective deistic force(s), it is the individual who abandons the stone. the maker left the physical world and the creators were locked away against their will, but the stone is always there until you leave it, by choice or by force.
to have someone born and raised on the surface who still pays some importance to the stone introduces the idea of redemption to the philosophy of the stone. to me, being on the surface and still putting some kind of importance on it implies you left unwillingly right? because if you choose to walk away from it, you don’t care about preserving those ties. i wonder if she’s going to be something of a foil to varric—a child of exiles, born and raised on the surface, but she actually does have a desire to connect to that culture. and maybe that desire to reconnect is related to her weird new powers
#The Ones Who Walk Away From Orzammar. if you will#i was going to say that would be a different thing but actually. not really#and. yknow. there is something to be said about the fact that the casteless work for the carta is essentially to the city’s operation#we. don’t actually have a lot of info about people who choose to leave orzammar. maybe some do leave out of moral qualms with the system#but anyway. i don’t remember if harding says anything in the descent about it#i’m sure she does but i always thought of her as not particularly caring one way or the other#i’m literally not even two minutes in and had to pause and inhale deeply and go. ok maybe it was intentional lmao#and yknow what. the podcast has different writers than the game so maybe this doesn’t mean anything abt what her writing will be in the game#anyway i’m definitely choosing to read too much into this bc the most likely explanation is#they threw it in there as a clunky signifier that she’s a dwarf. even tho it doesn’t rly fit for her personally from what i thought i knew#or maybe it’s just a figure of speech at this point. i don’t know how many generations her family has been on the surface#maybe her parents are from orzammar and she was just kinda raised around it. i was raised catholic and don’t believe anymore but#i still say ‘jesus christ’ a lot lol#oh now i’m also thinking abt whatshisname from awakening#the gavorn (brothers? cousins?) i feel like they also say something about stone sense and that feels adjacent to this#sry i know this is v long and could be more concise but i’m at work and don’t have time to look it over#but i wanted to get it out. if i remember i’ll come back later and make a more coherent post lol#mine#harding
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Yippie !
#world of horror#world of horror game#hi guys I really like this game. if you couldn’t tell#I still need to get some of the mystery endings though actually…ik how to get them I’ve just been lazy abt it 💀#I was so locked in on the achievements I didn’t even gaf about getting all the endings LMFAOO#I’m only missing two or three I think#ANYWAYS#shoutout to world of horror 🗣️🗣️🗣️#OH ALSO#(spoilers upcoming)#very glad to finally have kana unlocked they are so awesome#and the fact that they can’t die via loss of stats is a really cool feature !!#it surprised me at first bc I wasn’t paying attention#and then they rejuvenated and I was like ???#OHH THAT REMINDS ME#I got two or three achievements via glitches LMFAOO 😭😭 THANK YOU GLITCHES FOR WORKING IN MY FAVOR ???#I think it was during the challenges where you have to complete the run#and I was on the last level of the lighthouse#and then died 😓#BUT if you spam click it still gives you the achievement and counts it as a win. for some reason#or at least that’s what happened to me#a glitch did work against me once though when it made my doom counter spike completely mid-run?? for some reason??#my stats were completely fine. literally nothing happened the doom counter just completely filled up all at once. randomly#very weird & I still cannot figure out why or how that happened 😭😭 maybe it was some side effect thingy that I wasn’t paying attention to#okay anyways#yap session over#OH WAIT there was also another time where I reached the end of the doom counter and it still let me play through the entire run#and let me win#lmfao#okay NOW the yap session is over. fr this time
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