#negativity’ GUYS. WHAT THE FUCK. CALORIES ARE GOOD I <3 ENERGY???? YOUR BODY ALSO LOVES ENERGY. COME ON. BUTTER 4 LYFE BITCH

[dreamertrilogys]

going into instagram comments is crazy it’s like seeing into a (much MUCH) worse alternate reality like You ppl live such unfathomably terrible lives to me….

[ghostlyreader]

Anxiety and Fears of Cosplaying (feel free to skip)

So I’m going to try and keep this less in-your-face compared to most of my anxiety and depression fueled rants.

So the main thing for me is that there’s still a negative stigma about guys crossdressing compared to girls, to the point there’s a bit of a double standard here in America (dunno about the rest of the world). This, coupled with being in the southeastern United States, having a poor body image, and my own issues in regards to my sexuality and... I don’t really know if I have gender issues or it’s just the fact that I like women’s fashion more than I do guy’s fashion, honestly.

I’ve spoken with my psychiatrist about the last one, and given that this has only really been a ‘thing’  recently (at least as far as what I’ve acted on and enjoyed, and even then it’s mostly ‘I want to do what girls do because I grew up around like 5 women and two men for most of my life), she seems to think it’s not an issue of gender identity... which for the most part I actually agree with. I don’t like every aspect of myself, and there are some things that are of a more personal and 18+ nature I’ll not talk about here, but suffice to say I’m for the most part okay with being biologically male.

Also, as I said prior, I don’t like how my face looks when I’m looking at it head-on. There’s this extra bit of skin around my neck and jaw that at most angles just... it bothers me that I don’t have as sharp a jawline in regards to both the bone and skin design.

Granted, with a bit more strictness on diet and exercise, I could go back to dropping weight in a healthy way again and get from 180 lbs to 170 lbs via working off and trimming fat from my body. Due to stress and going from a semi-sedentary job straight into a holiday warehouse rush where I needed several thousand calories to get through 10 hours a day of burning through it all to the point that every 4 1/2 hours I’d need to shove a few hundred calories into my face to not fall over from fatigue and lack of energy, I went a little overboard once the holiday rush was done. The fact that a fair number of choices are due to laziness don’t help. Working on my core to help tone my stomach would do WONDERS for my self-esteem too...

Back to the point; I’m trying to not have the freakouts I usually do because I wore a long wig around Ichibancon 2017 and people were pretty chill, even at times friendly with a couple of them. Nobody was blatantly rude about my crossplaying... granted it was very subtle then... and this is literally walking around in leggings and a dress. It’s a bit of a gulp in difference.

Still. I’m going to try. I’ve spent literally over $100 on all of this stuff, from 3 sets of leggings to change between the days I’ll be at the con, to two pairs of gloves, to my lace thigh-highs (which I fucking love because holy shit they feel so nice), to ANOTHER wig, and I still have another $20 or so to spend on the actual DRESS that all of this stuff is supposed to go with...

Backing out now will have been a waste of two weeks and all of that money that I just won’t be able to recoup. Hell, it means I can just kiss my ideas on making a prop ink-covered axe and a stylized tommygun goodbye, and I WANT to try making those for next year, if not later on into this year... and no, I’m not just going to do it anyway and cosplay as Henry. I could literally do that now by dying my hair grey, grabbing my brown leather aviator’s jacket, and getting a white shirt to cover in ink stains.

I WANT to cosplay Alice Angel. The 1920s style dress she has is like the ultimate form of ‘Yes, I want to wear that, and no, I don’t care that it’s ‘for women.’ for me. It looks GOOD. I want to look good...