#I’m here now make room for me
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Finding fanart of characters that kinda look like your rarepair is something that can be so personal
#rarepair#rarepair hell#wagan#I don’t even go here but I’m lookin at some of these arcane boys like yeah okay#I’m here now make room for me
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what good is a mouth and ears if you only stare? // complicit witness // curly bro is the talk in the room with us?
had the idea for a piece that parallels pre- and post- crash Curly.. ideologically? Or at least to be representative of his body after the crash reflecting his prior actions. Curly pre-crash doesn’t truly listen to concerns about Jim or even have a proper conversation with him, but rather watches things happen (low interference, signing off on his psych-evaluation). Post-crash Curly can’t talk, assumedly has limited/no hearing (mfw ship blow up in my face), and no eyelids— call him the witness the way he be witnessing. He’s doing as much as he would prior to the crash, but now he doesn’t have a choice. There is definitely a more profound way to word it, but you get the point. Probably.
#mouthwashing#mouthwashing spoilers#I’ve sat and thought on this like a scholar but wasted all my braincells making this so now I’m struggling#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#mouthwashing jimmy#trigger warning jimmy. he’s there for me to bash but if the sight of him makes you want to explode his head look out. he’s here#mouthwashing fanart#mouthwashing art#mouthwashing analysis#BARELY?? I like to think I analysed it thru the visual medium. art major style. also I provided a little bitty description.#played it about four days ago. didn’t take notes because I was too locked in but it was a short enough game to the point where#I remember everything I thought. WILL sketch out some of that stuf… later#I play games like I’m streaming to an audience of 5k when I’m talking to my empty room
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woe, doodles be upon ye
#could you tell I watched hxh. CRAZY THAT IT HAS SO MANY OF MY FAVORITE TROPES#I’m not allowed to talk about it though bc I’ll spoil my friend. Hi dips. Otherwise my Kite art would be in this one#also wow. Mario fanart!!#NEVER make paper with seaweed worst mistake of my life. I did put Mario horror game art on it but overall terrible experience personally#and of course. Mob psycho takes up the most room. I’m still here folks you can’t make me leave#ok tags now#cowardly draws#mp100#mob psycho 100#shigeo kageyama#dimple#mp100 dimple#reigen arataka#Teruki hanazawa#see there’s technically context to the flowey ones that make it not undertale but feel free to tag that if you wish#hxh#hunter x hunter#hxh pitou#gon freecss#btw my favorites are kite pitou and gon. Which is really obvious I bet#super mario#mario bros#mario the music box#mtmb#shoutout to ollie bandtrees for telling me about that one#I totally didn’t spend hours trying to get every ending#DEAR LORD THESE TAGS ARE A YAPFEST#erm. if you made it this far congrats on getting through my deranged rambles????
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it feels so…… weird… seeing a cishet dude be so chill with queer themes lmao your soda-in-drag moment, the stevepop of it all, even guys with queers in their friend circles can’t bring themselves to partake sometimes lmao 😭 but it’s cool !! refreshing even sjksksndks this is a /pos statement I promise
Thanks lol! I think it’s cos I’m fairly secure. Sorta. (I’m still prone to compensating for things and being a stupid teen boy, but like, I’m aware of it, at least when I stop to think. Yk I’ll still join in on dick measuring contests, but deep down I’ll know it’s dumb and performative.)
I guess I feel a kinship to queerness. I go to art school where I’m sometimes the only guy in a class of girls, and I’ve been the token straight guy in every friend group I’ve been in since freshman year of high school. Beyond that, growing up I was frequently mistook for a girl- I had long-ish hair (post bowl-cut era 😭) and I’m part Asian, I was pretty androgynous lol. People irl have thought I’m gay, or a trans man on testosterone (I mean fine, I guess I am pretty short and hang with a lot of trans guys.) Hell, I did drag on a dare once, back when I was even more secure. (And I was hot asf in drag lemme tell ya. It felt lousy and it’s definitely not my thing, but man if I had a clone who was a girl-) All this to say, I say I’m straight, but honestly I don’t really know. I like girls a lot, but I have seen a buddy of mine in drag, and lemme tell ya I felt something but I’m not gonna examine that rn lol. Straight just feels comfortable, safe, and it’s good for interacting with folks who ain’t so progressive, so it’s what I’m sticking with…but I’ll admit there’s a gray area.
I relate a lot to the guys in the Outsiders, and irl I like to present myself as a tough, cool, Very Masculine guy. Hell, sometimes I play dumb about stuff because it’s “feminine” and a guy like me shouldn’t know about it. I act a lot like how I write Steve Randle, he’s my guy I like to project on lol. Honestly, I’ve got a fair amount of internalized toxic masculinity. But I think because I know how silly it all is deep down, I can interact with queer themes in art without feeling like I’m not “man enough”. Idk, I suppose it’s an outlet in some ways. Who knows maybe in 2027 I’ll come out as bi or something, but don’t wait up.
idk, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I like exploring queer themes, not because they’re queer necessarily, but because they’re human and I relate to them. And that’s hard not to partake in, y’know?
#rambling#ask#personal stuff#idk if all that’s like…ok for me to say and all but like…it’s just how I see the world at this point yk?#idk if you’ve seen derry girls but the character james maguire is me fr lol#(well i think I’m tougher than him but yk. he’s a guy who’s only friends are girls/queer people)#I worry sometimes about representing things poorly…#but like ig it’s not about representation to me. It’s not about anything. It’s just…expression i reckon#lord I dunno if I’m explaining this very well#For the record I find it interesting that I’m so chill too. There’s definitely a part of my brain that’s confused about that#like- I can’t wear a pink shirt cos that’s girly but I CAN try on heels because I’m bored???#I won’t pierce my ears even tho I wanna cos that’s “feminine” but I’ll write a 40k word fanfic about stevepop?? where’s the consistency??#I have to be the strongest in the room or I get pissy…but I want a girl to hold me?? that doesn’t make sense!#why am I a walking contradiction??#For all I’ve tried to explain it here at the end of the day idk why I am the way I am#I just…am. I wish it made sense but it doesn’t and I guess I gotta live with that lol.#talking about myself#srry ik this is long#ig it’s something I’ve avoided thinking abt much but now that you bring it up I’m…thinking. A lot.#(that’s a /pos thing I like thinking) (usually)
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and what if I told you that even here Art’s repressed bisexuality is blatantly haunting/informing the narrative and everything that’s happening throughout (which of course also means that the absence of Patrick is also haunting the both of them).
how the moment where he decides to tell Tashi that he wants to retire is shown with a slow pan down his body with the open closet in frame, and then focus on his wedding ring…. then Tashi looks large in frame while he looks very small… and there’s a closeup when he says “I’m tired,” and then right after that there’s this specific shot of him framed as being in the closet as he starts saying, “I don’t want to be one of those guys who doesn’t know when to walk away, okay, it’s embarrassing to still be doing this shit when you’re 40.”
which is a conversation that happens a few hours after…
“Well, I don’t miss playing with you, man. I’m too old for it.”
(“We’re not talking about tennis.”
“What the fuck else do i have to talk to you about?”)
((“Tell me it doesn’t matter if I win tomorrow.”))
(((“I don’t matter?”
“Not even to the most obsessive tennis fan in the world.”)))
#‘char you didn’t elaborate enough on this post’#yes I did okay. it’s midnight. this one is for the people with media literacy.#everybody do some INFERRING#I know that’s a tall order because there are some Bad Takes out there but nonetheless… I said all that needs saying#challengers#challengers throuple#tashiartrick#art donaldson#tashi duncan#patrick zweig#artrick#tashiart#they’re all soooo fucking sad#art your repression physically hurts me#anyway I pulled up this scene to look at the layout of the hotel room for fic writing#and then I was like. God I should make a post.#and now here I am! F#also I’m posting from mobile like a lunatic#(hence the 10 screencap limit)
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as a person who gets really really badly squicked out by incest I think that the fact that my brain chooses to interact with the fandoms where that’s always actively a debate being had is some kind of hate crime or funny joke played by the divine
#people with really strong squicks and yet a very relaxed opinion towards fandom don’t get behind me but we can nod across the room#it makes me feel very gross inside I have siblings you can quote me. Not a fan#BUT IM ALWAYS HERE GOING NOW- WAIT- HOLD O- PUT THEM DUKES /DOWN/#I CANNOT WIN#kipspeak#alright that’s enough talking about that. I’m going to just start playing with my toys and assume you’re smart#I hope you’ll assume IM smart.#NO reblogs get out of here. might delete later too I don’t like having even a little fandom discourse on my blog
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random but i'm so curious as to know how your eyes look, the way you described them in the past have me intrigued
weird girl eyeball compilation
#ignore my crusty lashes & swollen eyelids beauty was never my strong point - neither is my personality#y my eyeballs look so smol when on their own tf#HOW THEY LOOK SO oval here and so circle IRL#I swear over the years they went from bright blue to green to grey to now whatever all these are I just cbf lookin for older pics#now I guess they just look like a swamp and look differently depending on my surroundings#BC some of these looked SO DIFF when u could see the clothes I was wearing in the pic#like maybe our minds construct colour based on our surroundings idk bro#so Ive come to the conclusion they r basically grey and reflect whatever it is in the room like my soul#ofc even my eyeballs are pro at masking I should have known#turns out I’m not unique just weird#also these r mostly all in bad lighting so I’ll let u know if I ever enter the great outdoors#bc I’m being told they look so diff to all these when outside#I guess they reflect the sky more IDK bruh they r actually blue outside as not demonstrated here rip#I’ll keep u posted if I ever discontinue bedrotting#also these r shitty old iPhone quality lMAO#btw u can tell which of these r the most recent bc the light inside of my eyeballs died#actually it died long before any of these pics but even more so now#also rn the white part of my eyes r red so this is not an accurate portrayal of current day is it LMAO#Anyway these pics r making me want to apply mascara correctly but I cbf
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One thing I hate so much about 911 is the LACK OF APOLOGIES.
Bobby shoves Buck against the wall in s1 & it’s written off as acceptable bc Buck is being nosy, like being annoying is a good excuse to put your hands on an employee.
Buck apologized for the lawsuit & not being around in s3, but Bobby never apologized for holding him back (& lying about it) & Eddie never apologized for screaming at him in the grocery store.
Chim assaulted Buck in his apartment before going after Maddie, and it was never addressed. (Also, does anyone remember if Chim apologized for keeping the Daniel secret from Buck but not the bomber in that one episode? I genuinely can’t remember, I haven’t watched the first seasons in like, a year.)
Also, does Maddie ever apologize for telling their parents about Buck being in therapy? I know they fought about it, but it was also tied in with the Daniel secret (which was fucked but they talked about that) and I can’t remember, but that was kind of shitty, too.
Buck maybe purposefully gets rough with Eddie and definitely hurts his ankle during the game. Sure, we see him feeling bad about it & Maddie scolding him, but no actual apology to his best friend, not even a mention of one.
Those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head, & idk man, people are flawed, and I know that these characters aren’t perfect, but part of that is apologizing & making amends when you’re wrong. So much stuff is just glanced over to keep the story moving, and I get it but I’m not a huge fan of it. They all have this great, family bond, but how sustainable is that when you’re not owning up to your mistakes and making it right when you hurt someone?
#911 abc#evan buckley#911 spoilers#eddie diaz#howard chimney han#bobby nash#i have a lot of thoughts#if I was in charge I’d lock everyone in a room & make them say sorry#oliver stark#ryan guzman#peter krause#kenneth choi#jennifer love hewitt#we’re all going to sit in a circle and apologize for the way we hurt each other#the fact that we got Buckley AND Diaz parent apologies before we got apologies for the lawsuit is UNREAL#Honestly that punch from Chim & the way it was handled kind of turned me off his character#like he’s literally in love with a woman that survived an abusive relationship who ended up killing her husband in self defense#and then her next partner punches her brother in his own home bc she spoke to him? & we just go on with our day to day lives???? idfw that#Chim is cool & funny but I hate the writers for that#honestly I could sit here & pick apart each of these occurrences for days so I’m just going to shut up now lol
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Wanted to see if there’s consistency in the way I draw them
#the locked tomb#harrowhark nonagesimus#gideon nav#gideon the ninth#harrow the ninth#griddlehark#tlt fanart#things ive made#whenever I draw them (esp Gideon) I always feel like ‘oh I don’t have a certain way to draw them’#‘I definitely don’t have a STYLE’#- a feeling shared amongst many artists I’m sure#but seeing them all like that does make me feel like it’s pretty consistent actually#sure there’s some wiggle room#but overall the is A Way I draw#there’s not much color consistency but I’m okay with that#I’m not really trying to do realism here in terms of colors anyway most of the time#but I do wish I had A System for how to color full pieces and how to color sketches#bc right now it’s trial and error#which is not bad on its own#but sometimes a have a specific vision#and bringing it to life would require knowing how to color tha same way#or god forbid it’s a comic or a series of illustrations#those are never looking similar enough
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thinking about this really funny interaction i had with my boss yesterday
#we’d just been hit with an intense 4 hour rush that left the kitchen empty and looking like shit#(as had been the case every day for the past week)#and while i’m running around trying to get everything stocked and cleaned; he comes up to me like#“hey mija; why don’t you get yourself something to eat?”#and i; not quite being out of rush mode yet; just go “i’m good!”#and he’s like “are u sure? that was really crazy just now; i wouldn’t mind if you took a minute”#but i insist i’ll be fine; and tell him i’m not even hungry anyways so#but this guy omg;;#he gives me the treatment i only know how to describe as like; the way some of u treat ur hornets on here#which is *verbally* shaking me around going EAT SOMETHING!!!!#and he basically used his executive authority to make me to sit down for 30 minutes and eat strawberries in the break room#which he didn’t even have me clock out for; so ig i got paid to do that as well#very kind of him; and also funny as hell#but yea that’s what happened yesterday#i hope corporate never moves him#stan’s forum
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.
#okay so now that I’m almost a year out from surgery and I kind of (?) reliably have energy/don’t get winded and nauseous going up the stairs#this upcoming year I realllllly need to focus on developing a workout routine in my apartment#and I fear that a laughably big obstacle to this is that I need my workout stuff visible#so now I should probably like. focus on making space for my stuff in the living room instead of the closet#(much like a baby I struggle with object permanence)#hmmmm okie I am going to do that now actually so I can do a workout tomorrow. I miss being able to move my body like I did in college#should I have been doing this more intentionally for months now? yes. but consider: I am a baby and it has been fatiguing just to exist#sighhhhhh I miss being able to use my brother’s home gym setup but I don’t live down the street from him anymore grrrr#my stuff#ignore me i’m just rambling#UPDATE:#I found places for most stuff (my lil stepper is just on its own next to the coffee table bc I don’t have anywhere to tuck it)#BUT! sadly I have no idea where my boxing gloves are. deeply upsetting but whatever I can shadow without them but I like the added weight#they’re probably in the attic at my parents’ house butttttt I would like them to be HERE please
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Does anyone else feel like almost all of the conflicts that had to do with the various character dynamics in Chain of Thorns didn’t actually get resolved, they just unexplainably ceased to exist after two books of building them up because CC didn’t feel like writing them anymore and she didn’t know how to resolve it naturally after how she’d built the issues up so much?
Like how none of the characters but Cordelia and Thomas had any clue about the Alastair and Charles situation and then suddenly in CoT it was like who doesn’t know? Of course Matthew knew and didn’t say anything before and then randomly brought it up to Cordelia in Paris while assuming she knew too
Or how Alastair and Thomas went from how things were at the end of CoI with Alastair thinking it could never work because Thomas’s friends hate him to oh look everyone suddenly is friends with Alastair with no grudge with no development of that in this book at all, just an abrupt shift
Especially the Alastair and Matthew dynamic where Matthew hated Alastair and wanted him to have nothing to do with any of their friends and he spent CoI ranting about him to Cordelia. And then suddenly in CoT it’s like of course Matthew is supportive of Thomas and Alastair and oh look Matthew and Alastair are suddenly not just tolerating each other for Thomas’s sake but friends despite barely interacting and no development actually showing and never getting any mention of the other in their own POVs, just having Cordelia be like Alastair stop being dumb, you’re literally friends with him now
Or like everyone other than Christopher and Grace where it was like oh we don’t like her for how she’s treated us and her friends straight to anyway she’s one of us. Like yes Grace was useful and yes Tatiana manipulated her whole life, but none of that was why anyone changed their minds or opinions? It was just suddenly the flip of a switch when it was convenient for CC
Or Anna and Ariadne where it didn’t so much develop as Anna just acted mean to Ariadne on and off throughout the series and at the end of CoI she wanted nothing to do with a relationship and then in CoT she was just suddenly like sure I guess I do. Also, slightly different note, but I did not like that Anna barely interacted with anyone else for the entire book and she was just off in the corner being an irrelevant romantic subplot for almost all of the book except when she showed up to barely even be shown in the background being sad about her brother being dead
(Although Anna still got more of a reaction than everyone else and his death was poorly executed all around in the sense of how did you write this so predictably and poorly that no one even knows when he died and it’s so background and 99% of the characters don’t care at all and we don’t see his parents finding out or much of Thomas’s reaction or anything and it’s just as if he wasn’t a character anymore 2 seconds later which is a different genre of issue with CoT but similar problem in the sense that both issues made the book feel a lot more emotionless to read)
And how the issues of Thomas and Alastair being together as two men and Anna and Ariadne being together as two women in this time and the issues of what would happen if the fact that Charles and Alastair were gay got out to the entire Clave just disappeared and never got addressed at all. We know how the ClVe reacted to Alec Lightwood YEARS later. We know society was homophobic at the time TLH is set and that it seems like shadowhunter society was a lot less open-minded than mundanes a century later
I understand that Charles being blackmailed and making shitty decisions was annoying but it was like suddenly everyone finding out wouldn’t have consequences and all the other queer men characters were like how could you possibly be worried about this :/ as if they haven’t spent the whole series knowing they have to be careful about who they tell. And then suddenly it was just of course it’s totally fine and safe to have everyone find out and why wouldn’t you be fine with that. And it was really written in a way that had other queer characters like oh Charles is such a coward for not being ready to publicly tell a bunch of homophobic people his sexuality and it just wasn’t it??? And super weird after Thomas was terrified of telling even Anna and Matthew for years. And also, I did not care for the fact that when Charles did go risk getting outed to finally do the right thing, we didn’t even get to see it through any character’s perspective or how that important meeting went, we just got one line of dialogue from somebody else saying that it happened with no details at all. And I can’t think of other examples right now but there were quite a few moments like that where we got one line saying that something had happened that was important to the plot and to characters’ development that seemed like it would have been more interesting than some of what we did get to see where it was just totally breezed over and way too easy and totally background to less important stuff
And then there was the whole no one reacting to Ariadne and Anna dancing together publicly thing was like yeah that’s nice I guess but not realistic and it doesn’t go with the way things have been presented up to that point, it also just feels like a situation where CC was like well this would be easier for me so there just won’t be consequences and then they can easily end up happily together
And then there was the whole Thomas and Alastair thinking they couldn’t realistically be together thing and knowing they couldn’t get married or be known to be together by anyone they’re not close to and then at the end it’s still not really addressed how they’re going to be together? Like there was the laziest write off of the family tree being wrong and then we still are just left to assume that eventually they move in together and suddenly it’s not a problem and everyone’s fine with it? And then I also feel like we don’t actually know if everyone found out about Alastair and Charles’ sexualities after the blackmail or if people are going to assume about Thomas and Alastair or if that’ll cause issues or if no one knows outside of who they’ve told and they have to be careful or what. Which like wouldn’t necessarily need to be addressed if it wasn’t for the logistics of being together as two men in that time being part of the obstacle that they were struggling with being in their way and then it felt like it was totally forgotten to even be one at the end by CC
Idk like I’d love to think they just lived in a world where homophobia didn’t exist but it felt like homophobia was a plot point when CC wanted it to be an inconvenience and then suddenly disappeared just to make her writing easier the moment she didn’t want it there anymore instead of actually addressing the plots she raised with it if that makes sense?
And sorry, I really did not mean to go on a rant this long. And maybe everyone else had a very different reading experience than I did and other people don’t agree with some or all of this. I personally am just very confused about how the book was almost 800 pages long and it felt like so much of the development in it was us abruptly being told that development had happened rather than actually getting to see it and how so many of the issues were abruptly solved in an I don’t want to write this issue anymore kind of way rather than anything actually needing to be worked at outside of the Belial situation
Edit: You know what, I mentioned it in my tags but I feel like it’s annoying enough to put in the body of the post and make it even longer. What the fuck was with everyone outing or potentially outing everyone else just so that characters could openly talk about the queer characters and tell them to do what they want them to? Why did Matthew out his brother multiple times? Like yes, the people he said it to coincidentally already knew, but he didn’t know that. And why was Thomas outing Alastair? The straights got to keep their secrets as long as they wanted and fix their problems more naturally. Why did I have to sit through queer characters constantly having their sexualities and romantic histories to everyone else when they clearly had not okayed it? Why were the queer characters doing so much of the outing? Why were people who cared about them and knew what it felt like to be afraid of the wrong person finding out just broadcasting their sexualities to make it easier for CC to breeze past development to have their things get resolved fast? Why did no character have an issue with it at all?
#As a queer person the whole using homophobia against her characters as plot just to pretend homophobia doesn’t exist and call her characters#cowards for worrying about it as soon as she’s decided writing it doesn’t serve her plot agenda anymore really icks me right out#Like yeah I’d love homophobia to not exist but girl what are you doing that’s so gross to go about it that way#ALSO everyone outing or potentially outing everyone else to other characters to make it easier to get the queer characters to do what she#wanted them to was a HORRIBLE vibe. Why is Matthew outing his brother? Why is Thomas outing Alastair? Why is everyone telling everyone else#people’s sexualities as if it’s nothing and everyone has a right to know when that character clearly did not feel that way#And it’s so out of nowhere every time too#Hot take: Charles protecting Alastair’s privacy instead of outing him was more valid than anything any of the other queer characters said#about Charles or Alastair’s sexualities even if I hate Charles and his going along with the blackmail was bullshit#Also now that I’ve written all of this down and 99% of what I wrote about in here has to do with the canon queer characters that’s not#a great look either that she did breeze over some of the stuff with the other characters for sure but she was way more likely to skip depth#and development with the queer characters in CoT#CC said no slow burn gradual changes in this book… there’s only room for abrupt 180s and Cordelia running 🏃♀️#Sorry if this has weird typos and other mistakes in it. I typed on my phone and didn’t check for autocorrect nonsense and I’m too lazy to#reread this all rn at my current brainpower level#CoT#Chain of Thorns spoilers#Chain of Thorns#The Last Hours#The Shadowhunter Chronicles#Cassandra Clare#My Posts
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where is my fat husband
#stream#i’m lonely !!!! i want a man !!!!!!#me: where’s my man#me at the same time: not leaving the house nor dating apps & also is having a mental breakdown everyday while self medicating#also i’m 90% sure my meds are starting to fail again ALSKALKSLAKSLAKLSAKLSMAKSKK#ANYWAY#i didn’t even go to gay bars when i was allowed to drink like 😭😭😭#it’s all a bunch of straight people#there’s no point#like i constantly here old queens going ‘young gays don’t do xyz’ or ��don’t know how to xyz’ like ok girl its because that shit died like#idk probably before the pandemic truly it was dying but the pandemic was the nail in the coffin like girl …….. i turned 21 a month into#lockdowns like#ok so i did stuff illegally & went to other shit but it still was straight bars 90% of the time there’s like 6 gay bars in houston total 😭😭😭#like idk what they expect like if … those venues aren’t there & are increasingly AGAINST doing the goofy tings …. how would the YOUNG KNOW#like at this point idk i truly think that it’s kinda on the elders at this point ALSKALSKLAKSAKSLAN like yea they’re boomers at the end of#the day so like i’m not saying that they didn’t have it hard they did they did ok but. get over it ? ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLA like alright … but#i’m saying this as someone who knows the history & bullshit like ok yea everyone needs to understand what it’s like to have your community#die before ur eyes but at the same time. there’s no community now ? ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLLA like girl …#girl …….#yall HAD a community but now all that shit is gone & none of us young ppl have any funds to make that 😭😭😭#like girl i have 12$ in my bank account i dream of being able to rent a flat at some point like a ONE BEDROOM u know W A LIVING ROOM & yall#own rentals so like this is UP TO YALL …..#like ur the problem ? 😭😭😭😭😭#@gays for trump & loghouse republicans i’m looking at YALL#a lot of these mfs are liberal too - pro invasion of iraq democrat back the blue bootlickin NIMBA faggots 😭😭😭💔#anyway that’s just me bitching#i’ve been so fucking IRRITABLE today
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lil hiatus away
#trump winning hit hard#harder than I thought because I didn’t think he’d win#we all met up the next day and had depression strolls#lots of vents and talks and anger#window shopped and actually shopped#looked at expensive guitars and little hamsters find fun in every place we go#we all made food with/for my niece and talked at my table for hours#played among us like old times till 1 am#got emotionally rejuvenated by the ocean#had plans with a friend that fell through so another time maybe or not idc anymore hahah she’s persistent though#I’m kinda over everything!#this 4:30 sunset always gets me bad for a while#on top of heavy world changes too like do that shit in summer#my dads friend Chris is visiting and that always makes me happy#I heard them cracking up watching South Park in his room last night was the cutest shit#reminded me of old times I miss living in Boston that whole era#wish we could have a redo#or even when he lived here with us after#maybe he'll move back this way someday#or go up that way since won’t ever be able to afford a house where I wanna live#or get out of the country all together#hiatus away was nice especially from Instagram and fb they're horrible places right now#unfollowing and unfriending everyone rn idc who u are#and honestly idky I still even have tumblr now I ask myself that a lot#more and more lately#have a good day#and take care of yourselves
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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?
#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day#but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both#gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a#bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of#being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even#with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like#go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m#afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make#this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s#so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room#and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until#my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and#that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad#anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down
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I fucking hate my parents so much
I hate how dismissive they are of my mental health issues
I hate how they act like I’m not depressed even though they were there when I was diagnosed
I hate how when they find out I cut myself they yell at me and talk about how much it’s hurting them instead of thinking about me
I hate how they never think about how I feel about something when they make a big decision that affects MY life
I them so fucking much
#I hate how they yell at me when I’m not all sunshine’s and rainbows after being around people all day without a break even though they know#Im an introvert who’s needs breaks#I hate how they yell at me for stimming#And make threats#like taking away my phone#And taking away literally everything in my room and saying I’ll sleep on the floor#and now it doesn’t even feel like home is much of a safe space anymore#like it was supposed to be a break from school#from everything shitting outside and now all I do here is cry and get yelled at#this could’ve been on the notes app instead of my tumblr account sorry about that
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