#I will shout to the void

[memorydragon]

Spoilers ahead. Confusing spoilers if you haven't started the novel, but if you're half-way through please scroll past.

So when I say this scene is what drove me mental years ago back when I first started reading Po Yun and Tun Hai, that reading it again even after so many years still made me feral. This was the Ride or Die moment that never left while translations were dropped and disappearing. Please understand when I say that reading again after reading the whole novel makes me 10x more feral than before. That is not an exaggeration. I am 100% not okay and these are crying in the club hours. F̴̻̹̊͑̉̿e̵̘̠͈͗ͅr̶̞̠͍̮̓̊͠ā̶͈̹̅̓͠ḻ̵͓̏͑͘.

Because Wu Yu's long, long panic attack, because when he's finally able to come up for air when the waves recede just the slightest, he's pushed back down again and again, because his 'safe' person has been taken away.

Because this 'elite' who had an easy life, just admitted he'd been dragged from the fire when he was nine years old after his parents were murdered in front of him. This person who wants to take him out of this hell and pull him back, who should be safe, is covering Wu Yu with his whole body, cradling his head and covering his eyes as a ruthless mob decends on them. Because this shouldn't be happening again - but death follows behind him mercilessly cutting everyone down but leaving him. Because dying is easy living is more difficult. Bu Chonghua's blood is on his face and this person should be safe but keeping their promise requires sacrifice. Please don't promise any more.

(Bu Chonghua was supposed to run. He was supposed to leave Wu Yu to deal with the mob. But if he'd done that, people would have died, and it probably wouldn't be Wu Yu, and he'd promised to pull Wu Yu back from this abyss. He wouldn't let the rage of the mob swallow Wu Yu like a wave, dragging him back under. As they beat him, he cradle's Wu Yu's head and covers his eyes, because he won't give Wu Yu up, not to the ocean or to fire, and I'm so fucking Normal about this.)

Liao Gang sees Wu Yu at the hospital and knows something is wrong. Something is off, this is not the meek and submissive Wu Yu they've met for these past few months. He correctly pulls Wu Yu aside and instead of admonishing him to go get checked over, he says 'hey, why don't you get checked out by the hospital because someone needs to look after Captain Bu tonight. If you let them patch you up, you'll be put with the captain.' And Wu Yu finally - finally relents and allows the hospital staff to look him over.

When the lights are off and he can't sleep because there's no light he tries to trace over the current Bu Chonghua with the memory of the child he'd saved in the past, and he can't sleep but he can finally breathe. Now he can agree that Bu Chonghua and Zhang Boming are different, that Bu Chonghua isn't just an elite who sends his subordinates to death for greater glory, but someone who wants to pull him back. (And I'm putting it more politely. I honestly love that Wu Yu is still sort of cursing Bu Chonghua out when he says this, because of course he is, and Bu Chonghua is immediately gonna chew him out for smoking. I love Them.)

But when he wakes up, Bu Chonghua is gone. The hospital bed is empty and cold, and there's a committee of directors who have come to question him. He asks where his safe person Bu Chonghua is, but they put him off, saying they just want to ask a few questions. Bu Chonghua has been isolated because there's been a death - death always follows him - and they're pushing the blame on him and Bu Chonghua. Why did Zhang Boming jump to his death? What did you say to him? Why did you survive? What right do you have to survive? He'll take all the blame on himself. He was the one who killed the suspect, Bu Chonghua didn't hurt any of the mob. It was him, it was all him, and what right do you have to speak about loyalty and sacrifice, when the hospital report on their injuries is right in front of you. They assume Wu Yu will see this is just a formality, but he doesn't have the frame of reference they knew he should It wasn't him with that frame of reference, he never had one and he lashes out. They're caging him, blaming him again, and what right do you have to talk about loyalty to someone who is on the front lines?

What right do you have to come back? What right do you have to survive?

After they sedate him and bring him back, leaving him in confinement (there's a bed, his wounds have been dressed, and there's even a tv and above average food left out for him. It's a plush confinement, only for one night. They think they're going easy on him and he should be grateful, because no one told them he's panicking and has been in danger undercover his whole life for twelve years and he hasn't been able to handle eating meat since he was a child. The lights are off when he wakes up, and he's alone. The lights are off and no one is responding when he asks them to turn on the lights. No one is there when he's progressively slipping back under the waves of panic. And when he lifts the lid on the food, all he can smell is meat.

He bites his own finger, trying to wash it out with the smell of the disinfectant from his wounds and blood, but he can still smell the meat that he spilt in his own revulsion and the lights are still off. (Wu Yu, little fish, I'm not blaming you, but please, please learn to talk about your triggers and let people know so they can accommodate you, because they would actually like to accommodate you and you're not weak because you have ptsd, you're breaking our hearts. Also, as an aside, Song Ping is actually quite hilarious in this fight. He's not to blame either, but he's making things so much worse and I love that Bu Chonghua has to yell at both of them to calm down because they're both set off on his sake)

And when someone finally comes, finally turns on the lights, they're blaming him. Look how you're acting! You're acting like a spoiled child when we've sacrifed been so nice to you! We've brought you back here, to this place you've worked for several months, your new home!

Except he never came back.

He was never brought back.

He was sacrificed for to catch the criminal. He died because his life was less important than catching someone on the wrong side of the law.

He was never asked if he wanted this sacrifice. He never wanted to be a cop. Who is Wu Yu? He's never had a name. Let him go, let him go - let him go!

He was never brought back. He never came back - Zhang Boming made the correct choice, but he never came back. The sacrifice was chosen, the promise was paid. Why did he survive? What right did Wu Yu have to survive when we he never came back.

"Wu Yu!"

He never came back.

"It's me. Okay, calm down." Someone restraining him, and he struggles automatically, but slowly stops. "It's me, Wu Yu. It's me. Just calm down."

Bu Chonghua came back. Held him above the water untll he could catch his breath. And finally, finally...

The boy left his own blood on Bu Chonghua's cheek, disappearing for twenty years, leaving only one command - Survive.

"I arrived late."

"I was just a little worried. It wasn't very late." It wasn't his whole life twelve years. It was only one nightmare. You pulled me back.

The boy who rushed off to save a child he didn't know finally appeared before Bu Chonghua again. He came back.

He came back.

[dweebspace]

"You can't be a lurker on tumblr." Yes, you absolutely can. I've been quietly reblogging things since 2014 and I haven't interacted with anyone in years.

[bardofavon]

not to be controversial bc I know this is like…not in line with shifting opinions on fanfic comment culture but if there’s a glaring typo in my work I will NOT be offended by pointing it out. if ao3 fucks up the formatting…I will also not be offended by having this pointed out…

‘looking forward to the next update’ and ‘I hope you update soon!’ are different vibes than a demand, and should be read in good faith because a reader is finding their way to tell you how much they love it. I will not be mad at this.

‘I don’t usually like this ship but this fic made me feel something’ is also incredibly high praise. I’m not going to get mad at this.

even ‘I love this fic but I’m curious about why you made [x] choice’ is just another way a reader is engaging in and putting thought into your work.

I just feel like a lot of authors take any comment that’s not perfectly articulated glowing praise in the exact manner they’re hoping to receive it in bad faith.

fic engagement has been dropping across the board over the last several years, and yes it’s frustrating but it isn’t as though I can’t see how it happens. comment anxiety can be a real thing. the last thing anyone wants to do is offend an author they love, and that means sometimes people default to silence.

idk where I’m going with this I guess aside from saying unless a comment is outright attacking me I’m never going to get mad at it, and I think a lot of authors should feel the same way. ESPECIALLY TYPOS PLZ GOD POINT OUT MY TYPOS.

[nancywheeeler]

i love that specific ao3 phenomenon where you get a sudden influx of kudos on a work and it’s clear someone shared your fic but you have no idea who they are or where they shared it. it’s like being a dickensian orphan receiving money from a mysterious benefactor.

[626stupidavenue]

andrew and neil are absolutely posted up at the club for the sole purpose of sitting in silence and having cryptic emotional conversations. strategically ripped mesh tops, arms crossed, frowns, yeah by usher feat lil jon & ludacris playing in the background. smoke breaks. NO dancing.

[funnyjokespunperson]

something about mimicking people you love

[katzenklavierr]

Umineko said

If you saw someone at their absolute worst, knew of their deepest regrets and darkest thoughts and most harmful impulses, are they still deserving of love and happiness? Could you forgive them? These are not the same question

Every person you know has multiple sides of themself, including faces you will never see, and this does not make any of these selves inauthentic

Identity is a struggle between the person you know yourself to be and the person others see you as; the line between these is not always clear

Names are tools of power

There is no wealth gained without bloodshed

There are some things in this world more important than knowing the absolute truth, and furthermore all truth is subjective and your interpretation of it is subject to change

Fiction is a conversation between the author and the audience, and it is mutual trust between these parties that allows stories to flourish

And more still. Man.

[cicimellie]

i cannot keep this jailed in my head any longer okay. I firmly believe the hollow knight has never and will never use a contraction in their life and what I mean by that:

like Ghost? absolutely. despite their very stoic nature they're out here spiting their 'purpose' as a empty vessel by speaking (however they might) in the most slurred, disjointed, vulgar way they can manage and they take great delight in it.

But I just KNOW in my heart of hearts that Hollow is the most pretentious, archaic guy out there. once you get past all the trauma and horror and pain and their siblings finally pull a coherent sentence out of them--like Ghost and Hornet are expecting their questions of "how do you feel what do you want" answered with, like, "I'm sort of fine I just want to rest" NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Hollow is going to hit them with thee thou and thy, okay. They were "raised" (loose!! Loose term, pale king my reluctant beloved) by an ancient wyrm-turned-king, okay. "Are you okay" is going to get the answer of "thy fears art wasted, siblings mine, on a vessel so impure and broken as I."

OKAY 😭 okay? I just need anyone to feel me. Like do you feel me? Hollow deserves to be a little pretentious. I want to read it so bad

[the-lone-wolffe]

Reblog to make your blog a cozy tavern for your followers to stay in/visit

[panicroomsammy]

Y’know I get where y’all are coming from with some of your “friends don’t look at each other like that” posts but also. I do look at my friends like that. I’m aro but even if I wasn’t I don’t think that would force me into loving my friends less. I’m out here looking at these guys with the most besotted look on my face. My friends can talk about things that I have zero interest in on my own and I will be so happy to have the privilege of listening to this incredible person talk about the things they care about. And I’m sure I’m looking at them “like I’m in love with them” while I’m doing it. Or my friends who are a couple will be talking about something that they did together and I’m just like “I get to watch two of my favorite people interact! And they love each other so much!” so yeah of course I’m gonna have a sappy look on my face. Idk where I’m going with this I’m just aro and love my friends so much and honestly if you don’t look at your friends like you’re in love with them? Skill issue.

[andarateiacantori]

am i crazy or has very little of what bioware has revealed so far been actual "spoilers" and not just very typical game marketing to get people interested in the story... like i get wanting to go in blind of course but then you shouldnt be watching this marketing stuff to start with lol

[valorant-reverie]

[nancywheeeler]

hopeless time loop. the way out isn’t to save everyone. the way out isn’t to save even one person. the way out isn’t to change anything. the way out is accepting how it happened the first time is how it always will be. that’s how you acted, that’s how they acted, that’s how you would have acted every time if you weren’t given the curse of hindsight. the way out is accepting you can’t fix the past; you can only forgive yourself for it.

[lurkingshan]

I want to talk more about Oyei and Cher because what a fantastic established couple. Oyei went into debt to take care of his people during the pandemic and Cher is the one making sure he’s not taking that burden entirely on himself. They are partners and they talk about real problems and handle things as a team. They are great brothers to Yak and tickled by the idea of fuck buddies in a way only an old married couple can be. Cher has the ultimate leverage over Oyei and he uses it to get shit done. Legends!

[friendly-jester]

oh. i think the shock is wearing off and the sad is kicking in.

i saw a tiktok that said "i don't think i could've ever fallen out of love and been so disgusted by a person i don't know so quickly, then literally feel like a piece of the kid in me died with them" and that sums it up perfectly for me.