#I was supposed to post this a long while ago

[joelsgoodgirl]

Give You What You Like

Part 1: Strangers

Pairing: Joel Miller x F!Reader

Rating: E/ 18+ MDNI

WC: 5.2k

Summary: You were never supposed to see Joel Miller again. You'd traded your body for pills years ago, and it had ruined you. Even after you'd found your way to Jackson from Boston, he'd still managed to end up back in your life.

Tags: afab reader, sexual themes, oral sex (m receiving), penetrative sex, degradation, mean!joel, drugs for sex, alcohol use/abuse, drug use/abuse, age gap (joel is 50s/60s, reader is 20/30)

A/N: This is a three part series! I have posted it before, but I decided it needed a revamp. I hope you all enjoy! I made a playlist to listen to while you read that fits the vibe well. You can listen to it here. Each chapter is titled after a song.

AO3 Link Masterlist

You’d been in Jackson for almost three years now. You’d come stumbling through the snow, half frozen to death, delusional and starving. There’d been so many guns pointed at you, yet you still wouldn’t say it was the scariest moment you’d lived through in your thirty years of life. No, that was reserved for the moment Joel Miller came through that field with a teenager in tow. 

It had been almost ten years since you’d seen him. You were never supposed to see him again. 

“Fuck, baby, just like that.”

“So pretty down on your knees for me.” 

“Such a good girl.” 

You’re snapped out of your thoughts when someone clears their throat behind you, causing you to spin around on your barstool. You put on a fake grin as Tommy sits down next to you, beer already in hand. 

“Doin’ okay?” He asks, the look on his face far too sympathetic for you. You’d overheard him talking to Maria about Joel one day, the name ringing in your ears after not hearing it for years. You’d told them the basic details. You’d known Joel for a few months in the Boston QZ. You’d gone on a few smuggles with him, but nothing more than that. You didn’t, couldn’t, tell them about how many times you’d ended up tangled in his sheets. You were young then, certainly too young for a rough man like him…But you were naive, impressionable. 

Your grin drops, irritation taking its place. Of course you’re not okay. But it’s been too long, yet not long enough. You knew he was using you, you’d known it since the beginning. It was an offer at first, you’d gotten beaten by a FEDRA officer pretty badly, and Oxy was the best thing you could get. But at only twenty years old, you didn’t have much. So you’d given him your mouth. Down and dirty, no gentle touches or whispered words. Just the saltiness of him on your tongue and a baggie of pills in your pocket. 

“I’m hanging in there. Weird to see old friends.” You make your voice as nonchalant as possible, giving him a reassuring smile. “Who’s the kid?” You ask, curiosity getting the better of you. 

“Dragged her from Boston, apparently.” Tommy says, giving a noncommittal shrug. “Takin’ her to Salt Lake in the mornin’. Says he isn’t gonna go, but I know he’ll change his mind.” 

You swallow back your disappointment and hurt, but it must be visible on your face.

Tommy’s features become more concerned, his lips parting as he readied to ask you something.

You shake your head.

He was going to leave without a word. He’d barely even looked at you and he was already leaving. 

You scowl against your own will, taking another heavy sip of your beer. “Well good.” You finally say, the energy behind your words not quite reaching. “Glad he’s finally doin’ something good.” That comes out more sincere, softer, as you stare at the bubbles in your beer, your eyes following the lines they create as they float to the surface. 

Tommy looks at you sympathetically. You know he knows. He has to. He doesn’t say so. 

You can feel the tears stinging your nose, and you have to bite down hard on the inside of your cheek. Not here, not now. You don't deserve to cry over him, not after all these years. You finish the rest of your beer and stand from the stool, patting Tommy on the shoulder once. 

“I’ll see you around.” Is all you can manage before you’re walking out the doors.

It’s started to snow now, the fat flakes landing on your jacket. You feel the tears falling on your cheeks, streaking like boiling water against your freezing skin. 

You manage to get to your home without fully breaking down, shuffling through the slowly accumulating snow as you sniff away your tears. 

You reach for your bottle of moonshine, traded for one of your quilts, settling by the fire. 

All you can think about is Joel. How he’s just a few streets away, likely packing to ditch in the morning. Without saying as much as a word to you. 

You weren’t even sure if he recognized you. You’d had your hat on, your scarf pulled over your mouth as your gun pointed to him out in the snow covered field. You’d watched with mild irritation as the dog left both him and the girl alone. And his eyes had merely glanced over you, not a hint of recognition from him. It had stung, a sharp pain in your chest. 

“Take the pills and get the fuck out. I ain’t got anymore time for a whore who ain’t nothin’ but a good fuck.” 

His words come flying to the forefront of your mind when a quarter the bottle is gone. Those gut-wrenching, soul-piercing words. 

He was never yours, not really. A means to an end. It was never supposed to end up like this. 

An ache that never went away. He really had ruined you. His words constantly echoing in your head as you lay alone night after night. 

You’d not been with anyone since. 

You didn’t want to be. 

Your frown deepens as you tip the bottle more and more, anger bubbling from a deep place you’d decided to lock away. You still weren’t sure if you were angry at him or yourself. 

Angry at him for abandoning you when you needed him. 

Angry at yourself for falling for him. 

You’d gotten addicted to his pills and his cock. 

“I was told you could get me pills.” Your face was swollen, you were sure the officer chipped a couple of your teeth too. All because you’d had a bad day and his attitude had set yours off. 

You watched the man beside you stiffen out of the corner of your eye. You’d held your breath, hoping that you’d gotten the right person. 

“Depends on what you’ve got.” His gruff voice sent shivers down your spine, both out of anxiety and general attraction. 

You glance at him out of the corner of your eye again, your brow furrowing. “Not much. Couple cigarettes, a few rations.” You finally say, sighing softly. You were almost shocked when he turned his head toward you. 

“What’s a kid like you need with pills?” His eyes glanced over your face, over the black eye and split lip. 

“Why do any of us need them?” You ask, bristling a little bit. “And I’m not a kid. I’m almost 20.”

He laughs, bitter and biting, at you. “You’re a kid to me.” 

You bristle further, grinding your teeth and wincing at the pain that radiates through your jaw. “Yeah, well, who’s got the chance to be a kid anymore.” 

He simply shrugs, his eyes forward again. “Area four. Building 10. Apartment 17. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

Your eyes snap back to his face, a little taken aback. “Okay.” Is all you can manage, your heart stuttering in your chest.

He walks away without another word, leaving you lost in your own thoughts and anxieties of what was to come. 

You arrive the next day with a few cigarettes stuffed in your jacket pocket and nerves upsetting your stomach. You lift your hand to knock, but before you could the door was wrenched open. 

A mean looking woman appears on the other side, staring you down for just a moment before her face softens just the slightest. “Ice‘ll help that.” She says after giving you a once over before slipping past you. 

You make eye contact with Joel on the couch. He stares at you, unmoving. “Well?”

His voice shocks you from your trance as you tentatively walk inside, closing the door behind you. You shove your hand into your pocket, holding out the foil wrapped cigarettes. “I’ve only got two.” You say, suddenly aware how small your voice sounded. 

Joel eyes the packet for just a moment before sighing heavily, standing and leaving the room. He comes back with four pills in one palm, holding his empty hand out to you once he’s close enough. 

You glance down at the pills, then up at his face. “Only four?” You ask, frowning softly. 

“Lucky it ain’t two.” He says gruffly as you place the cigarettes in his palm. 

“I need more.” You say, quickly in one breath, your voice wavering slightly. “What can I do to get more?”

“You an addict or somethin?” He asks, his eyes narrowing. 

You shake your head, blinking a few times. “No…Just in pain.”

He huffs in response, pressing the pills into your palm. “Don’t come back.”

You almost see a hint of compassion in his eyes, but it’s gone before you can figure it out. You leave without another word, the pills safely in your pocket. 

He was gone in the morning like Tommy had predicted. It was almost a relief but you still felt the aching need to talk to him settle deep in your chest. A back and forth war within yourself of your past and present, hating him and needing him. 

Maria found you at the bar this time around. 

It had been two weeks since he’d left, and you felt as if you were dealing with the first loss all over again. You knew you were spiraling, feeling like you were going through the five stages of grief. Just a few days ago you were arguing with yourself, promising that the next time you’d say something. Now all you wanted to do was cry because he left you… again. 

“You need to talk to someone.” Maria said as she sat down at the table you were at. 

Your eyes meet hers for a moment before you take another sip of your homemade mead. “I don’t need to. I need everyone in this town to stop worrying about me so much and just let me work through it.” You hadn’t meant to sound so tense, your hand tightening slightly around your glass. 

Maria just shook her head at you, her lips thinning. “We’re worried about you, honey. I don’t know exactly what happened between you and Joel, but I can tell you that this…” She gestures to you, her hand trailing up and down. “…isn’t worth it. And I’m sure a smart woman like you knows he isn’t.” 

You groan softly, setting your glass down to run your hand through your hair, the other arm resting across your stomach in a protective gesture. “If I tell you anything, it stays between us.” 

Maria nods, her face serious for a moment. “I protect my friend’s privacy.”

You can’t help the warm feeling that floods your chest, a small smile finally gracing your lips before dropping it. “Not here though. Could you come by my place later to talk?” You sound hesitant, still not sure if fully confessing to Maria what happened was a good idea. But she is right, you do need to talk to someone. 

Three weeks in a row you’ve come to him almost every other day, eyes pleading for the pills. 

There was something about the way they made you float, unfeeling, for just a little bit. 

This time, though, you had nothing. 

“Please, Joel. I’ll do anything. I just need a couple more.” You hated begging, it felt degrading and made your skin crawl, but you were starting to feel less and less floaty every time. 

“I gave you an extra one last time. Fuck off, kid.” Joel gruffs at you, 

You wrap your arms over your chest in a defensive manner, a habit of yours, a crease forming between your brows. “Please.” You say again, your voice breaking a little. “I’ll do anything.” You take a chance, stepping closer to him. You’ve never offered anything like what you were offering, what you hoped he knew you were offering so you didn’t need to say it out loud. 

“Not a fuckin’ chance.” Joel says, taking a step away from you. “Don’t go offerin’ stuff like that around here, kid. Gonna get yourself hurt.” 

You bristle slightly at the supposedly endearing term, only coming out vicious on Joel’s tongue. “I’m not a fucking kid.” You bite back, irritated you have to snap about it again. You slump a little as the devastating realization of what you were offering finally hits you. “Please.” You say again, swallowing thickly. “I don’t have a choice.” You add softly, looking down at your own feet as you try to avoid choking on your own voice. 

Joel stiffens slightly at your admission, a flash of something dark in his eyes. “I’ll give you five for a ration card.” He knew it was a loss on his part, but he wanted you out. He didn’t want to give into his own desires when he saw you. Your wide, innocent eyes that glimmered with appreciation whenever he handed you over the pills. He should feel guilty, watching you slip slowly into the addictions he himself fought. You’re too young, far too young. 

You step closer to him, your heart rate picking up. “Ten if I suck your cock. Won’t come back for a week.” You rush out the words, your tongue feeling thick and heavy in your mouth. 

Joel tenses further as you come closer, the smell of something sweet wafting off you. Vanilla? Flowers? He’s momentarily distracted by the feminine smell of you, failing to see your hand come up to his chest, his muscles jumping as you place your hand over his sternum. 

You look up at his face, searching his features for any type of severe discomfort. You swallow again at his silence, stepping even closer as you slide your hand across his chest to his shoulder. He shudders under your touch, his gaze hardening on you. “It’s not as if I haven’t thought about it before.” You say, your voice quiet still as your eyes follow your hand. You startle when his hand grasps your wrist, stilling your movement. 

“You’d better have payment next week. Proper payment.” His voice is low and gruff, his grip tightening. “Ain’t gonna do this more than once.” You almost gasp in surprise when he yanks your hand in between the two of you, pressing your hand against the bulge in his jeans. 

You suck in a breath through your nose as you palm his slowly hardening cock through his jeans, swallowing the saliva building in your mouth. You’d blown boyfriends in the past, sure, but never for something like this. 

He huffs out another breath as he pulls away from you, and you almost ask until he’s flopping onto the couch, spreading his legs wide and jerking his chin at you. 

You’re far more nervous than you’d like to be as you slowly walk over to him, kneeling down in between his legs. You tentatively reach up, palming him again as you lean forward to nuzzle against the outline of his cock. 

“Jesus Christ.” Joel breathes as he lays his hand heavily against the top of your head. “Really wanted this, huh?” It sounds half amusement, half wonder. You blink up at him as you pull his belt from the buckle, opening it and working open the button of his jeans. He lifts his hips as you pull his pants and boxers down just enough, another small gasp escaping you as his cock slaps up against his flannel. Your eyes flick between his eyes and his cock as you lean to grasp it by the base, leaning forward enough to take a tentative lick of the precome beading at his tip.

The taste of him immediately has you craving more, and you finally admit how much you really did want this. You hum softly as you shuffle closer, placing your other hand on his still covered thigh to ground yourself as you finally take the head of his cock into your mouth. He groans above you as you swirl your tongue around the bulbous tip, licking through the slit. His low noises spur you on as you lower your mouth on him, starting a steady rhythm as you start to raise and lower your head. 

“Fuck, baby, just like that.”  He groans as his head falls back, his hips twitching as he bumps against the back of your throat. 

You swallow around him as you fight your gag reflex, your eyes welling with tears as your throat constricts. He practically whines as you swallow, the noise causing an involuntary moan to bubble up your throat as you hollow your cheeks, focusing your tongue on the underside as you feel him pulse against your tongue. His hand is still heavy on your head, not guiding, but simply resting. 

“Gonna come in that pretty little mouth.” Joel grunts, his eyes boring into yours as you begin to bob your head again, your fingers digging into his thighs as he begins to softly thrust into your mouth, going deeper than you’d had him yet. You gag around the intrusion but he continues, forcing your throat to relax as he continues thrusting into your mouth. “Made for suckin’ cock, huh?” He asks, his voice pure gravel as your mouth brings him closer to climax. “Just a little slut who loves having a cock down her throat. Was your plan from the beginning, wasn’t it?” 

You whimper and try to shake your head “no”, but his tightening grip in your hair keeps you still. His words sting a little bit, but there’s a part of you that sings praise at his word, your clit thrumming in your soaked underwear.

“Right, mouth too full to speak. Gonna swallow it all? Fuck-” His words get cut off as you moan around him, sucking more harshly now. “Jesus Christ.” His hips are bucking into your mouth a little harder now, his cock punching the back of your throat, tears leaking steadily from your eyes as you moan around him again. “God, such a good girl, takin’ me so well. Gonna- Fuck, gonna come. Look so pretty cryin’ on my- Fuck!” And then he was, a choked gasp forcing its way up his throat as his cock pulses in your mouth. 

You’re gone less than 10 minutes later, the precious pills tucked in a plastic baggie in your front pocket. 

So you tell Maria every little detail. How it all started, why it all started. About your drug addiction you’d fallen into being around him for almost 6 months. 

“I almost overdosed the day he left.” You tell her, silent tears now falling down your cheeks. You let out a wet laugh, wiping at your face. “It’s fucking pathetic , Maria. Even ten years later, I think I might still love him. And I hate that I do. I’ve never said that out loud.” You’re feeling a little past tipsy now, trying to ignore the way she frowns when you reach for the bottle again. 

“I don’t think it’s pathetic.” She says sadly, her eyes following your hands as you fill your glass again. “You never got closure. It only makes sense. But really, honey…Joel?” She grimaces playfully, lightening the mood immediately. 

“Oh believe me, I’m mad about it too.” You laugh, self deprecatingly.  “Of all of the men in this godforsaken world we’re living in, it just had to be him. ” You take another drink, watching as Maria’s eyes follow the movement. “I’m working on it.” You say as you lower your glass to your knee, your eyes downcast. “One thing to the next. I’m really trying.” 

Maria’s mouth sets in a tight line before she sighs. “I want you to be careful with him.” She says your name, low and serious. “I know you think you know him, but Tommy told me what they used to do. Joel is not a good man.” 

Your face drops into a frown, uneasiness crawling through your veins like ice. “I know what he’s done. I was there for some of it.” You snap, your hand tightening around the glass. “It’s not like I wanted to fall in love with a man like him.” 

Maria leans back on the sofa, giving you physical distance. “No, I know you didn’t. But I don’t want you to think he’s changed-.” 

“Has Tommy?” Your harsh words cut her off, the words out before you could even think them.

Maria shakes her head at you, her mouth immediately opening to defend her husband, but you cut her off again.

“No, you know what. I shouldn’t have told you anything. Jesus, everyone is so judgmental and acts as if he isn’t just a human being. We’ve all done fucked up shit, Maria. That’s just the world now.” You stand and snatch the bottle from your coffee table, sending her one last glaring look. “You can see yourself out. I need to be alone.” You know you’re being immature, storming out of the room like a teenager throwing a tantrum. But quite frankly, you don’t care. You finally want to feel, you finally want to let go.

You fall onto your bed, screaming into your pillow and anger, frustration and pain course through you. You turn over onto your back, sighing heavily as you close your eyes to try and ground yourself. Try to prevent yourself from thinking about all those afternoons you’d spent with him. 

It, as usual, didn’t work. 

The first time he fucks you because you beg for it. Not for his pills, not for his fingers. For his cock. You could never admit it was for him. You’d never admit to him that after just three months of knowing him, you wanted him around forever. It was a hopeless thought in a world like this, dog eat dog and love never lasts. 

He had you backed against an alley wall, his fingers pumping in and out of you. 

“You did so good, baby girl. So damned good.” He breathes into your ear, pushing you closer to your release. You’d smuggled a ton of pills into the QZ for him, managing to pass the guards unnoticed. 

You whimper and whine as you grab at his shoulders, digging your forehead into his chest. “I need more.” You whine, tilting your head to nose at his neck. “Joel, please fuck me. Been so good for you. Please.” You feel him press his fingers hard into you, curling them against your front wall as his palm grinds against your clit. 

He groans into your ear, huffing out a couple short breaths. “Yeah? You want my cock?” He accentuates his words with a harder grind into your cunt. Sure, he’d been dreaming about fucking you, wishing he was coming in your cunt instead of your fist or your mouth. He pulls his fingers from you, bringing his hand up to his mouth to lick your slick from his fingers as he usually did. “Turn around.” He says gruffly, already reaching for his belt. 

You turn around quickly, anticipation curling and burning at you as you work your pants down, bending slightly as he pushes at your shoulders. He isn’t kind when he shoves into you, pulling an agonized yelp from your lungs as he stretches you open. He almost immediately sets a sharp rhythm, the pain mixing and melting into pleasure the longer he’s inside you. You can’t do anything but whimper and whine as he practically destroys you, one of his hands clamping over your mouth while the other wraps around your waist. He pulls you back against his chest as he lifts you up, pinning you against the wall. “Shut the fuck up.” He hisses into your ear, his hips slapping sharply against your ass. “Gonna get us caught. You want the guards to know what a little whore you are? Fuckin’ dirty old men like me just to get a fix?” 

His words cause you to clench around him, used to his degrading words now, used to the way they make you gush instead of cringe. You shake your head against his palm, breathing hard through your nose as he cock reaches deeper inside than you’d thought possible. You close your eyes against his onslaught, the rough brick of the building scraping against the front of your body as he fucks you impossibly harder. You come with a sob into his hand, your entire body shaking. 

“Oh, fuck, good girl.” He praises you as he fucks you through your orgasm, grinding hard into you. “Makin’ me wanna fill that pretty little pussy up. Make you walk outta here dripping with me.” He practically growls in your ear, the first shiver of fear making its way down your spine. 

Your eyes widen as you wrench your mouth from his palm, panting hard. “No, please, not inside.” You whimper, the fear of what that could mean making panic rise in your throat. 

He groans in your ear, pulling from you before he steps away from the wall, spinning you around and pushing your head down. You immediately give into his request, dropping to your knees as you take his hard cock in your mouth, sucking on him the way you know drives him crazy. 

“So pretty down on your knees for me.” He grunts, his hands tangled in your hair so he can thrust into your mouth. 

He’s coming down your throat less than a minute later.

That was the first time you went back to your apartment and cried. The almost full pill bottle that still rattled in your jacket was the harsh reminder of exactly what this was getting you. You weren’t sure if the tears were from anger or devastation, but soon the three pills in your palm made you forget even him. 

You eventually make it back to live life as normal. Took a few more weeks, but you picked up the bottle less and less each day. Tommy was proud of you, but you still weren’t talking to Maria. Something had fractured between the two of you that day, something you weren’t sure you would be able to fix. 

But life goes on. It always does.

You get back into your routine, up before dawn every morning. Usually to the stables to greet the horses before you got to your chores. You hadn’t been on patrol duty for weeks now, Tommy giving you a break, or rather, distance from handling a gun too much right now. It irked you, being treated like you were broken. But you rationalized it to yourself, you knew he just had your best interest in mind. You weren’t unstable, not at all, just on edge. 

Everything was shifting back to normal as spring came around, the trees slowly starting to wake up, the snow starting to melt. 

A loud, pounding knock on your door startles you awake just as the sun came up on the horizon. Your hand reaches for a knife that’s no longer there as you open your front door, Tommy on the front step. 

“He’s back.” 

“You stupid girl.” Joel hisses in your face. He’s got you pinned to his front door, his forearm across your chest, crowding you.

“I’m sorry, please, Joel, I’m sorry.” You whimper, more tears falling from your face. 

“Couldn’t keep that stupid little mouth shut and fucked everything up. I should kill you right here.” He growls, pushing you harder into the wall.

You cry out in pain as your body goes limp, the fight slowly dying in you. “I didn’t think she’d tell anyone.” You blubber out, your eyes closed in complete submission. 

“No, you didn’t, did you?” He spits at you, his teeth grinding in anger. “You got FEDRA sniffin around my door because you couldn’t wait to tell someone what a whore you are. Bout the bottles every time I fuck ya.” 

You shy away from his angry words, guilt and shame bubbling in your stomach. You hadn’t known your friend was a snitch, the daughter of a higher officer. “I didn’t know.” You whimper out, feeling the pressure on your chest release as he steps away, his hands clenched in fists at his sides. You keep your body pressed against the door, crossing your arms over your stomach. “A-am I still gonna get my pills today?” You ask, more shame causing bile to rise in your throat. 

He lets out a bark of disbelief, his fists slapping against his thighs. “Ain’t that rich. Still beggin’ for a fix.” He swipes the bottle of pills off the table next to him, pouring them into his palm as he counts them. Less than 20 this time, he just wants you gone. “I’m done. This is it.” He says, his eyes finally looking up at you. 

You shake your head in panic, your eyes trained on his hand and the small amount of pills. “No, no, Joel, please. I need them. Where am I gonna find more?” You ask, panic constricting your voice. “Joel, I need you.” You say, the words choking you on their way up from the depths of your soul. It wasn’t the same admission as you needing the pills. Six months of this and you were in love with him. 

You knew he didn’t solely fuck you for the pills anymore. It became more frequent that you’d seek him out when you were craving him. The past month slowly dissolving into something that felt less like fucking. 

“Joel, baby please. I lo-” You start toward him, but slink back against the door when his face hardens and he speaks up. 

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare.” He growls, his nostrils flaring. “ Take the pills and get the fuck out. I ain’t got anymore time for a whore who ain’t nothin’ but a good fuck. Makin' off with my pills as if a sloppy thing like you means anythin'  to me.” 

You can’t help the sob that raises in your gut, bubbling up and out in an inhuman sound. “Joel, no, please, don’t do this to me.” 

He crowds you again, the anger in his eyes causing you to cower this time. “Fuckin’ pathetic.” He shoves the pills in your hand before yanking you harshly away from the door and throwing it open. “I aint gonna say it twice. Don’t. Come. Back.” 

You’re tossed out the door before you can fully think, fully process what had just happened. 

You show up at his place the week after, shaking from the slight withdrawal, and from nerves. You knock but no one answers. It’s late, much too late for Joel to be out. You lay down on the floor to look under the door for any signs of life.

It’s empty. Bare. Abandoned. 

You find one of his “buddies”. 

He’s gone. For good. Never coming back to Boston. 

You buy the pills from his acquaintance, using the rest of your ration cards. 

You almost don’t make it to the next day. 

But you move on after your brush with death. You become stronger. 

But you don’t think you’ll ever stop missing him. 

He’s ruined you for anyone else. You knew from the very first moment he had.

[hearttdesires]

every right

a short little thing.. my first joe burrow fic, be nice 🥺

i could’ve kept going, but i always have a problem making things too long & then give up on it.. but pleasseeee send feedback if you enjoyed or if you hate it 🧡

~~

you looked down at your phone on the table and saw a newsletter pop up from some random gossip website.

another story of joe and olivia, what’s new.

you cleared the notification and turned your phone around. your best friend, Gabby, had saw your mood turn sour and immediately ordered a round of shots before the waiter disappeared.

“no no, you guys really don’t have to. it’s supposed to be a calm dinner” you tried to laugh off how fast your friends knew you.

“oh hush. we know you been going through it with the whole thing between you and joe. we’re here for you.” your other friend Lindsay said grabbing the shots from the waiter. you guys thank the guy and cheers across the table.

“god that felt good, can we do another?” Gabby laughed at your response to alcohol and ordered another round.

it was an easy Friday night, why not let loose a bit? you had every right to do so as a single woman.

another round turned into another round and then another. next thing you know, you’re at a cowboy themed bar down the street from where you guys were having dinner.

Gabby, being your wingwoman every time you guys went out, had already had a line of men waiting to meet you. you had liquid courage, so you allowed it.

you scurried off to the bathroom to just take a breather from everything outside. you pull out your phone to check the time and see joe had texted you about an hour ago.

you debated on just deleting it and not read it, but curiosity got the best of you.

jb: hey, i’m in ny for the weekend, what’re you up to?

you actually felt disgusted reading that text. he had some nerve texting you knowing damn well the paparazzi caught his ass on the streets at 3am with Olivia last night.

you: what, barbie’s not doing it for you anymore?

you: kindly, fuck off.

you felt satisfied with the text and put your phone away. you reapplied some lipgloss and realized, you’re looking realllly hot tonight. you took a few mirror pics and posted to your close friends before you grabbed the handle about to leave the bathroom.

you felt your phone ring again in your back pocket.

jb9: it’s not like that, i miss you.

you put your phone away, needing to find Gabby & Lindsay for more shots or anything at this point. you find them at the front of the bar with the same group of guys you left them with.

“guys sos” the girls locked in real fast. you open your phone to the messages and let them read really quick. their jaws dropped. “like what else does going to her apartment at 3am look like, TO ANY HUMAN BEING?!”

they’re both shaking their heads. the guys that were around you guys looked at you like you were crazy. “i swear im not this crazy” you laughed as you felt the alcohol still running through you. “anything we can do?” you nod. “get me drunk and get me home”

you decided to get one last word in before turning your phone off for the night.

you: i don’t care.

~

you feel someone shaking you and you peel your eyes open a bit to see who it is. you see Gabby and Lindsay next to you in the backseat of someone’s truck.

“honey we’re home, cmon.” you being very drunk pouted. “i don’t want to walkk” you whine quietly.

“i can carry her inside, you have her keys?” you heard a voice in the front say. while they’re working it out, you close your eyes again.

“okay cmon princess” you feel arms tuck in under your knees and an arm behind your back. you wrap your arms around whoever it is that’s carrying you, feeling like a kid again. you’re sure whoever it is, Gabby and Lindsay will tell you in the morning.

your ride is cut short when the man stops walking. “joe, you can’t be here right now” you hear Gabby’s voice in the distance. “who the fuck is that” you can’t bring yourself to open your eyes nor give a shit.

“none of your business, now go” Lindsay says pointing away from your house. “yo, let go of my girl” this time you feel a tug at your arm.

“are you stupid? after hearing what you’ve done to her, I highly doubt she’s your girl” you feel the guy chuckle and you already know joes shrinking into himself. at this point you’re sobering up in this guys arms just standing outside.

“a real man doesn’t treat a lady the way you’ve been burrow. and i’ve been a fan, but seeing this side?” he let out a sarcastic laugh and walked around joe to bring you inside.

joe watched as gabby, lindsay, you, and this random guy walked into your house. he watched as you clinged onto this guys neck. his blood boiled seeing another man even being near you, let alone in his arms

joe walked back to his car which was conveniently parked behind the guys truck. he wanted to wait til he knew the guy was leaving. he watched behind tinted windows and saw the guy leave and Gabby close the door behind him.

there was no way he’d get a chance to at least talk to you in the morning if your friends were staying the night. joe at least had a little peace of mind knowing the guy wasn’t staying.

~

you woke up and saw Gabby & Lindsay still passed out next to you in bed. you were in desperate need of water and any pill for your headache. you peeled the covers off slowly and slipped out of bed, careful not to wake the other two.

you went to the kitchen and felt the natural light burning through your soul. as you poured yourself a glass of water, you heard a soft knock on the door.

you looked over at the clock on the stovetop and saw it was only 8 am. who the hell is at your door on a sunday at 8am.

you walk over and make sure your robe is closed fully before opening the door.

you should’ve looked through the peephole first if you knew there’d be those bright blue eyes piercing at you on the other side.

“you’re awake” joe said shocked that you answered the door. “unfortunately. and i’d like to go back to bed, what do you want?” you say, very spitefully.

joe cleared his throat, he knew he’d get that sort of reaction. especially with it being so early in the morning. “i just thought i’d try to stop by before my flight leaves..” he said scratching the back of his neck.

“..for what? i told you last night to fuck off. and then you’re at my house waiting for me in the middle of the night?” you felt your head pounding at this point.

“but-“ you were quick to interrupt him. “no buts. i’m done, whatever this was; i’m done. as a matter of fact, wait here.” you slammed the door and went to your room.

you grabbed whatever bag was closest and shoved his clothes you’ve taken over the past year into it. you grabbed the necklace he had given you for your birthday and threw it in the bag. you saw his LSU rubber bracelet sitting on top of your dresser.

*flashback* - a year ago

your date had stood you up & he just finished dinner with his friends. you were standing up to leave and joe had stopped you, with a corny pick up line.

you guys somehow ended up back at your house. you guys sat on your couch laughing about god knows what.

“you’re telling me america’s pretty boy, has a curfew?” you smirk at him. “no, but i’m a very disciplined man. who has practice in… about 5 hours” he looked at his phone for the time.

“listen, take this” you saw him pulling a bracelet off his stack on his wrist. he takes your hand and slides the bracelet on you with ease. you look and see it’s his LSU bracelet. “may i ask why?” you say putting your hand out and inspecting it like he just proposed or something.

“gives me a reason to always come back” he smiled at you. “see, now that was actually a smooth move” you laughed at him.

*end of flashback*

you shake your head as if to remove the memory. you hear the bed behind you and see Gabby waking up. “what’re you doing?” she asked confused.

“joes outside. i’m giving his shit back.” Gabby took a long blink. “excuse me?” she was about to get up and attempt to drag him off your property.

“i’m fine honey. i’m just so over it. i’ll be right back.” you storm back out towards the front door and swing it open.

“here. this is all your shit.” you toss the bag to him and he catches it with ease. “and take this too. maybe barbie can have it, and you won’t have to come here anymore.” you fling the bracelet towards his chest.

you go to close the door but joe being way stronger than you, stops it. “you have no right to do all this” he sounded frustrated now.

“for fucks sake. you strung me along for an entire YEAR joe. and every few months there’s somehow a new headline of you with olivia. and then i get a text or call because you just ‘so happen’ to be in new york. i’m a single woman who’s been holding out for a dream that was never going to come true.. and to be perfectly clear, if you’re fucking me raw, i have every right to know your business.”

joe didn’t stop the door from slamming into his face. you on the other side were fighting tears. joe stared at the bracelet you just flung to his chest. he remembers the night you guys met, like it was yesterday.

joe swallowed his pride and looked at his watch, realizing he’s going to be late for his flight.

you hear his car roar back to life and feel the knife in your heart twist. he really just left, no fight.

Gabby walked down the stairs slowly, not knowing fully what happened. “you okay hun?” and for the first time you tell the truth and shake your head no.

[sisaloofafump]

Would you be open to expanding on your thoughts about interpreting Damian as aromantic?????

Unfortunately most of my reasonings are just "vibe" and relating to him personally. He reminds me a lot of what I was like when I was like as kid—vocally against romance, got into a lot of fights, and quick to deny any notion of attraction to someone.

There's a tendency to go "oh they have a crushhh" when preteens bicker with someone, and to double down on that accusation when they try to deny. A lot of Damian's romances rely on this "logic". Pre-crisis Damian's crush on Kara is supposedly canonical, because of this:

Superman/Batman #77

And consider how young him treats Steph who he's also implied to have a crush on. We're supposed to see that his attraction manifests as name calling and violence. That's not attraction! Why can't we take what he says at face value. What could he do more to signal that he doesn't have a crush?

While I understand this is something people do, on a personal and political level, I really disagree with this interpretation. I think it is incredibly dangerous and invalidating not to take people at face value when they say they are not attracted to someone—especially if the signs of "attraction" you see are violence. I know for me, when I was 8–10, my response to this was only to get meaner, because how else would people understand that I didn't like them? (I grew out of this long ago, I am an adult now, but I definitely see Damian taking a similarly bad approach).

So instinctively, it's very hard for me to think of Damian having a crush on someone when the only examples we have post-crisis is him actively saying he doesn't like someone.

That said! Modern Damian? I do really like Flatline and I think their arc together is well written and quite engaging! She is one of the only people in his life that treats him as an equal (the other Robins, the Titans, Rose, and Connor all look down on him in some way), and is someone who he genuinely has a lot of fun with. I think they have a great connection and a strong friendship. I don't think those traits should be taken as inherent to romance.

The concept of independence is so big with their "relationship"—their first kiss even happens in a conversation about how he wants something for himself separate from his families. Dating Niki would be the epitome of that. As such, Damian immediately tells people she's his girlfriend (checking off a box, much?). But iirc he doesn't actually initiate any romantic affection between them, and most of their scenes end with Damian switching into Work Mode immediately. He doesn't consider what being together would look like beyond the first kiss and the label.

Robin (2021) #17

"You could ask me out on a date, or something." "Is that the next move?" He says, and then proceeds not to ask her on a date.

By goly is he aromantic to me.

In summary: younger/post-crisis Damian's "crushes" rely on the reader interpreting that cruelty and denying attraction means that you like someone. Damian and Flatline's relationship reads to me as him seeking independence by labelling one of the first solo-made friendships he has, and he has very little interest or initiative in actually being romantic with Niki.

So uh. Yeah! That's about it. It was hard to put it into thoughts because it's less a conscious headcanon and more me going "what? This makes no sense" emotionally when I see him in a romantic pairing. But I hope this explains why I see him as aromantic!

[goldensunset]

o spring, distant spring, where i close my eyes

you who gave me love, i hear your dear voice

[howlinghound11]

Ok i said i'd do it, so heres all* my funny Barnaby sketches c|:03

And Wally is in some too @:)

P.S.- Happy Birthday Clown! 🎉❤️💙💛🎉 @partycoffin

Talkin in the tags as usual lol ⬇️

[torchickentacos]

I noticed that a blog had me blocked (I've never seen them before, idc, that's fine lol, curate your space ✌️) and out of curiosity I hovered my mouse over their username to see their bio and make sure I didn't piss off someone I knew. They had a bio that said 'I block for (list of things)' which. cool! convenient! tells me what I wanted to know!

...except it was the most out of pocket list of things and I cannot imagine what I could have said or done to make this random person think I applied to their blocklist? I've never touched system or furry or 'that-specific-kink' discourse in my life. what happened here 😭 like I'm not mad, I don't really care, but lmfao?

[mxntjam]

I’ve found you and you found me.

We are two halves of a whole.

[numbuh424]

I'm the one that you loathe

Mature | 3,380 words | read on AO3

Light wants satisfaction. There’s an easy fix for that; he could simply pick any person he wants among the many who want him and take them without even thinking. But that's too easy. It's all too easy. He wants a challenge. He wants L. And L is dead. In the midst of picturing L's hands on him, the thought of his latest adversary comes to mind. He refused to humor Light before; maybe he'll humor him now. Fuck it. Light decides to give him a call.

Took me a while to take this off anon 🫡 Read my fic where Light spends the night before the warehouse meetup missing L, deciding to call Near, and quickly realizing they're not the same. But enjoying it anyway 👍

[proselles]

thing one and dumbass two

[sisterdivinium]

Now is the time to place your bets on whether or not this hyper self-indulgent doctor superion Vampire the Masquerade AU fic will or won't get to 100 handwritten pages...

[slavhew]

Collab with a friend for a server icon ^_^

[mad-hunts]

and if i told y'all that i'm in the mood to write barton being particularly devious right now... what would y'all do (because IDK, i sometimes just randomly get reminded that the man is basically a living manifestation of this quote right here, and i feel like that kicked in full-force today JSJSJ LOL):

[mc-critical]

Hatice and Ibrahim have never been more divided from each other up to that point than in E43-E44. While Hatice always sensed when Ibrahim was actually in danger or she's lost him in any way (i.e. E35 when she felt something in Edirne while Ibrahim was with Nigar), nothing came up when he was shot; he didn't even tell her what happened to him until she found out herself; they were seperated while he was recovering; the wait for Ibrahim to come back felt like an eternity to Hatice and she went through several breakdowns at once (and his carriage was right in front of her but she couldn't see him, her only thought until the very end was that he was dead, isn't that what her dream with the "crying" statues meant?); when he came back she wasn't allowed to spend at least some time alone with him as SS wanted to talk to him; even their sleep was interrupted. The only thing that Ibrahim asked Hatice to do was to play him his mother's song on the violin (I like to think that Hatice started learning the violin in order to become closer to him, to who he is, to his past again after what they went through with little Mehmet).... but he no longer associates even that with Hatice anymore.

[becauseplot]

*returns to yours* I HAVE THOUGHTS! NOT COHERENT ONES TOO SLEEPY AND NEED TO SAVE COHERENCY BUT THOUGHTS!!! MOSTLY ABOUT ISLAND TEAPARTIES AFTER THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP WHERE CELLBIT AND PHILZA DRINK TEA AND PHILZA TEACHES CELLBIT ABOUT STARS AND CELLBIT SLOWLY GETS BACK INTO HIS ENIGMAS AND THEY BOTH BITCH ABOUT TEA BUT DRINK IT ANYWAY BECAUSE IT HAS GOOD STATS

YEAAH!! YEAHHH!!! Okay okay okay so I meant to ramble more earlier when you initially responded to my ask and then I got sleepy and conked out and now it's super early for me, nailed it lmaooo. so anyway just like a couple things i noticed abt this scene *rolls out a scroll of notes, the bottom hits the floor and bounces out the door cartoon-style*

Chayanne gives Cellbit a rose!! Idk if Rose still has influence here (I'll have to sift through Phil's VOD to see if he says anything abt Rose, yesterday I mainly watched Cellbit's POV) but he's protected now!! That kinda folds him into Phil's "closer" circle of friends/family since it's primarily them who carries the roses for protection so!!!!! I'm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE TEA!! Yes the tea the way the tea immediately broaches the topic of purgatory, and yeah the audible wince in Phil's voice after Cellbit says the tea triggers him and Phil agrees. Yeah it's so shit and they're both so sick of it but it's so OP. Phil survivalist (hardcore) :handshake: Cellbit survivalist (hunger games/"The War"), do and use what is necessary to keep yourself alive.

And AAA!! Yes, okay okay so like you remember that idea abt Phil and Cellbit having late-night convos at the Order pre-purgatory? This is basically that!! It's late at night, they're getting caught up with each other, they've both got the shitass tea and it's going cold and!! In my head this scene goes on for a full night and they just sit and talk and talk and talk, eventually conking out when it's late, just like old times EXCEPT THEY HAVE THEIR KIDS NOW WHICH IS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT BROUGHT THEM TOGETHER, THEIR DESIRE TO FIND THEIR KIDS, AND THEY FOUND THEM!!! (I should write a fic i NEED to write a fic, me vs the 754389 wips in my brain; in my head they still had late night convos in purgatory when their "play time" timers lined up, phil waking up early enough and cellbit staying up late enough for them to talk while the others slept)

The way Cellbit still minces his words abt what he and Bags did post-purg 1 "we had our fun...bolas...style..." is it because he thinks Phil will think less of him? because there's children present? because his SON is present? idk how much Richas knows abt what Cellbit did in purgatory, Richas *did* rescue him while he was fighting eye workers but does he know about Cellbit hunting fellow players for sport? what Cellbit did to his pai Pac? I NEED ANSWERS

Phil's "Dude! No! Oh my god... D:" to when Cellbit says Roier was better off without him. PHIL WAS AT THEIR WEDDING. HE TOOK THE GODDAMN PHOTOS OF THEM AT THEIR WEDDING. HE SAW HOW HAPPY THEY WERE, HOW HAPPY ROIER WAS, WHEN THEY WERE REUNITED IN PURGATORY. Phil isn't close enough to Roier nor speaks to him enough to really understand the full extent of Roier's grief after purgatory 1, but it's gotta be hard for Phil to imagine Roier happy with Cellbit gone. Whether he believes it when Cellbit says "yeah Roier told me he was better" (doied WHEN I GET YOU---) is up for debate but I think about this constantly.

Phil fucking laughing when Cellbit admits he ate some of the eye workers fhdjsk. I can't get over the combo of Cellbit POV (in character thinking: "I'm terrible I'm a cannibal I'm a monster") vs Philza POV (cc who laughs at everything that is even remotely cursed) honestly, taking this as in-character (bc ccPhil doesn't mute his mic to laugh and he...usually does that for ooc bits while in the middle of rp), it says a lot abt qPhil that he's able to just laugh abt an admission of eating corpses. ethics who? geneva convention who? qPhil doesn't know her. munch on those eye workers king they're dickheads. (fuck, DOES qPhil know that Cellbit is a cannibal, as in, he has eaten not just workers but other players?? hmmm...)

"I'm sorry I couldn't do much as bolas leader" "It's better that you didn't see us...I think you'll be disappointed" "oh I could never be disappointed what do you mean shut up *laughs*" GODDDDDDDD also Cellbit trying to say he got worse after purg 1 and Phil saying "nah bolas is already at ground level" (either not understanding or indirectly reiterating that he won't condemn Cellbit for his actions, I can't tell) and then Cellbit just,, going with it. because it's not worth it to argue and he's trying to move past all of that now anyway. (QCELLBIT PROCESS YOUR TRAUMA CHALLENGE LEVEL IMPOSSIBLE)

watching Phil's POV now and HFDJSK you can't hear it on Cellbit's stream but Phil catches Richas as they're both leaving and says quietly, "Take care of your dad, Richas, n' take care." I'M 💥💥💥💥 (<-banging table)

Anyway!! This is what happens when the two characters I'm obsessed with interact for the first time in months. Over-analyzing a 5 minute convo. Sorry, it will happen again :] Praying they stay as neighbors I'd love to see archivists have more interactions!! And yes yes yes yes the tea parties with the kids!! Phil routinely chatting with Cellbit and watching him slowly "regain his color" as he settles back into peaceful life post-purgatory, falls in love with enigmas again. They've always trusted each other when they don't trust themselves, and they're both a Stable Point for the other. I'll miss what we never got to have with the leaders-of-the-Order-having-meetings ideas (timezones, wails) but I'm so excited for new island mysteries!! :D

[haliaiii]

Oc posting 5: Juno

[sysig]

Really digging out the old OCs now; Pan-na, Pilok, Azalea, squirrel boys Will and Damien, and Cupid and Venus <3 (Patreon)