#I thought Id be waiting like... an hour
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#god Im stuck in an airport for like at least 2-3 more hours and ive already been here for 3#literally for no good reason#its just my brother and his planning that he didnt actually tell me about#I thought Id be waiting like... an hour#but no#we probably wont get to the hotel till 4am#kill me dead fr#I love my brother I swear#but he puts literally everyone about my comfort#it kinda hurts#but alas#I am in an airport nontheless#pray for my swift pickup#snd for the rest of the trip cause he invited one of his friends without askjng#and that friend stresses me out#so yayy
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@eebie DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the dance is from this video ♪(^∇^*)
#HI EEBIE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOL#i made this beccause i was listening to that penis song i sent you and i thought it sounded like a song gobou would use#also i wanted a dancing eeber gif ^___^#keep in mind i ummm. have only animated once before and that was years ago and very very very short#and also it was totally sketchy and stuff. as in it was just a sketch there was no lineart or colors or anything#and also csp apparently dosent let you export transparent animations!?!?!?!? and also it doesnt let you use more than 25 frames!?!?!?!?#its stupid. so i just made a gif on EZGIF.COM instead<333#which is why the edges look kinda. um. wack. sorry about that but maybe itll go away when this posts? i dunno but i doubt it#btw i think i have eeber poisoning or something. because i draw her all the time everywhere........#ive drawn her so many times in some stupid little sketchbook we have in our kitchen when i wait for stuff in tha microwave#her design is just sooooo. Yeah!!!!!!!!#anyway this took Ummm significantly longer than id hoped and my back hurts sooooobad#so im going to bed!!!!!!!! but anyways here u go babygirkl <333333#my art#oh and btw i only listened to the penis (eek!) song while drawing this and nothing else#just. the same penis song for hours on end#and i said i was gonna take abreak when i was done with the lines before i started coloring but 😀👍 i forfot#OH WAIY ONE LAST YBING. i got cery noticably lazy like halfway through so dontt look too close at the frames or youu might get scared 😨
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genuinely so devastating to finish my flcl rewatch and pull up the tumblr tag confident that everyone else is also down cataclysmic for haruko and posting abt it but *crickets*
#I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY POPULAR ON HERE.... WHAT THE HELL GUYS#appreciate all the artbook stuff and the handful of fanartists but other than that its so dead its so over 😭😭😭😭#and most of the posts abt her are like 'shes such a terrible person but fun character other than that!' STFU. POSER#her selfishness and apathy and singleminded drive is literallt what makes her so fucking hot whats so hard to understand#a woman is headstrong n decisive n doesnt care abt ending the world for her ambitions n suddenly ur like ohhh devotion is baaaad#move aside gayboy im gonna get it id let use me in whatever scheme she needs thr fact shed only pretend to care abt me is even better 🥴#i love physically violent women i love being smacked with bass guitars hi hello im right here 😚😚😚😚😚😚😚😚😚#wheres that post thats like i dont even have mommy issues i just think its hot to be a womans pet LITERALLLYYYY#god i need to draw her 5 million times but i wont have any free time until at least tues.....so sad#wait for me babygirl...... i wont forget abt u#we would have the most toxic relationship ever it would be awful for everyone in a 50 mile radius people would die#fake manic pixie dream girl fans when a girl with real mania comes at them:#ANYWAY RANT OVER i need to get my shit together for work tmr#also my chocolate orange cake turned out sooooo good i need to use this recipe again sometime#feeling way better plus i didnt even fully crash i just had like an hour or two of turbulence. but i do need to start winding down for bed#soooo goodnight everyone... and haruko especially.......#.diaries#flcl
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I forgot how exhausting it is to sob, actually scream cry. it feels good and bad. my eyelids sting. i keep trying to get up and do things but everything just makes me feel sick.
#i know grieving is kinda universally difficult but like#the last time i truly needed to grieve sometjing was so long ago#this feels new again and its so hard#i just. i just keep turning around expecting to see him there#waiting for me#like it was all a bad dream#because it all happened so fast.#the animal er visit was like two hours tops. i thought id take him and theyd fix him up#get him home#i had no idea i needed to make that decision on the spot#really i had like five minutes to think about what to do for him#it was nightmarish honestly maybe thats why its not sinking in#it just all felt so cruel#i dont. i didnt want to believe it to be true#i still donr#please come home to me max#please come back i dont care if you bite me or bark at me#please just let me see you one more time
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Ykno when ur lookin at an artist and ur like "man, I want to commission art from You, Specifically"
I have something in mind for a scene that's coming up in ITNL (whenever I start writing again) that would be really cool, & I know Exactly who I'd want it by... except they don't have open commission slots 😭😭😭
I can be patient, though... I have been patient before...
#speculation nation#and if they dont open up commissions again well thats entirely their choice & i would never fault them for that#but. man. it would just look so cool in their style.#and so i wait... and maybe someday.... i can get it.#tho maybe i should type up my thoughts about the piece Now 😂 so i dont end up missing the window & being out on a waitlist#like what happened with my commission of vash's scars.#i did get it in tbh a pretty reasonable time frame despite being on a waitlist for a bit#but. ykno. the thing with popular artists opening commissions is that EVERYONE is gonna flock to them for it#so me taking a few hours to thoroughly describe the scars commission made it so the open slots filled up#but thankfully he was nice enough to put me on a waitlist 🥺🥺🥺#no guarantee for this other artist should they open commissions that id get a slot and/or on a waitlist#SO!!!!! i should be ready.#tho itd probably take much less time to describe it 😂 given that it has more to do with the pose /&@#* than smth as definite and detailed as scars reference.#just. 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔#now that ive had the thought i just want so badly to commission it hfksbfjd#the thing isnt even written!!! it's still chapters away!!!!!#but man. it sure would be cool huh.#oh well. i will simply be patient. hopefully before too long they will open their commissions again.#also yes me getting a commission for my fic again. idk there's just smth rly cool about having illustrations in the fic.#so i will wait and i will hope. that i can get this commission at some point.
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Oh I IMMENSELY fucked up this morning now I'm gonna be almost an hour late to work 😭
#i found out like 10pm last night the car rego expired so id have to make my own way#shift starts at 8. takes about an hour to get there. i checked transport times#tired brain somehow fucks up and ig sets 8 as the 'leave at' instead of 'arrive at' time#i think ok awesome i will take this bus at 8:06 that will get me there 8:47 a whole 13 min early....m#i guess i was also mixed up bc i take that bus in the morning to school at a bit after 8#first thing this morning i got up and got pancake batter and half asleep and glasses-less i dropped an egg on the floor#but anyway i left with my tea and my pancakes and my wits intact....#until i looked down at 7:58 and thought WAIT WHAT THE FUCK I START IN TWO MINUTES WHAT#so i ran. slowed. called my store. thankfully the manager on is really nice but idk if i clearly communicated the scope of my lateness#i just said id be 'pretty late' and he said its alright buddy take your time#god im glad i got him hes a really nice manager very chill#but AHHH MY GOD HOW DID I MESS UP TIMES THIS BAD#I LEFT AT 7:56 INSTEAD OF BEFORE 7!!!! JESUS CHRIST!!!#anyway my bus got me to the station now im waiting for my train. it should be fine-ish but manbhhdhdhehfhf my god#idk if ill work 50min less or stay back an extra 50#but avdhdvhehfhfdbhdhd DUDE IM SO PISSED AT MYSELF
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i'm doing great actually never been better i could kill god i'm doing incredible i've never been scared in my life. tune in later tonight when i start talking about how fucking bad i'm doing. does anyone know what the reason for a rapidly shifting view of my current mental state would be cuz i have genuinely no clue how i'm doing
#text#im not bipolar i'm just microdosing being fucking insane and then also intense intense urges to get really into bad coping#mechanisms again#cuz like bipolar mania is like. a week at least to like several months right? i'm not doing that i'm doing something different. anfd faster#wait i didnt explain why i said that cuz like i Know that sounds like mania But its not cuz like . its faster#and not as intense id ont think as mania would be#Well its probably fine i'll be back to normal in a couple hours and then i'll be doing really bad again which is fine#when iw as like 10 i thought i was bipolar but it wasnjust cuz i didnt know that 'feeling happy sometimes' was still possible with#depression. like ithgouht if i was happy ever i couldbt be depressed. because i was 10 and didnt know anything#WHATEVER i'm fine i need to do my homrwork
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Alrighty I really need to go to sleep so it will just be a really quick little thing- I read your last anon with the riding in his chair and like? 😮💨 I just imagine Lando having the stamina of a teenage boy. Like he's ready everywhere and at anytime and getting turned on sooo easily lol
-✨
PLS Y E S
he’s up for it at any time…. imagine him not being able to have any pics of you near any area where he does any kind of work bcs he won’t be able to focus 😭 if he sees you and thinks of you, it’s over…. and god the stamina 😵😵😵😵 very well put, my dear
#idk why im writing this but i thought of something that reminded me of lando#i went to a bday party at my friend’s place last year and all of a sudden#he and his gf disappeared up to his room for like an hour or however long it was#😶😶 idk it felt like a kinda lando thing#sneaking off like that bcs he just can’t wait#anyways#bestie!! i’m really curious about you!!!#how’s everything going? are you settling in good? does everything feel okay??#feel free to tell me as much or as little as you want#id love to hear about it but also dw if it feels too private!!! 💗💗#i hope everything is going well#asks!#anon!#✨!
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hmmm... i think if i wanna get into taz balance, i should probably like. read the graphic novels maybe
#rubys clown thoughts#i can sit down and listen to podcasts just fine unless they have a narrative#and theyre also like very long. if theres a narrative at play id rather watch or read any adaptations#than sit down for hours on end waiting for the good parts to come in#(ive attempted taz balance before when i was in high school & the power was out for a day and a half at our place)#(farthest ive gotten in my first listen through was. the first arc and a half before the power got back on)#(if they have comics or graphic novels or shows or films just something)#thankfully theres already like 5 different taz balance graphic novels... maybe i'll check those out instead#or wait for the animated adaptation to come out. i heard theyre making a show for peacock
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wow the melancholy 🤩 the shame the embarrassment the loneliness 🤩
#boink#i am sat alone outside the performance chapel with nothing to do#waiting for the concert#which is not for another hour and a half#i just accidentally gave notes on stage after sound check which i thought we were like#going again#but it was really embarrassing#and i just#everybody's left so now im just#sitting outside a church by myself#and i dont want to go home bc im wearing heels and the walk really wouldn't be worth it atp#bc id have like twenty minutes maybe and then id have to come back#anyway rn im just listening to one of the bass groups practice outside#inadvertently lol#theyre good ofc#i wish i could just be like enjoying the evening lolol#im trying ::))#its v nice out#breezy and not too warm#but i just kind of dislike myself too much rn to actually let that happen lmao
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it can be so fucking hard to be close to people who have very different understandings of time and respect than you.
#im just going to bitch in the notes so i can get it out of my system#it fucking hurts my feelings when my friends are significantly later than they said they would be#they are driving up and visiting me which i do appreciate#but its like. 95% of the time im the one meeting them wherever and whenever works for them#and theyd made it sound like theyd be coming hours ago and they werent#and finally got on the fucking road and their eta was 13 minutes ago and they still arent here#and its like. i get that they have their own lives and traffi and shit#but ive told them many times that it genuinely upsets me when this happens#to the point that if they werent already on the road id just tell them to fucking stay home#its the biggest stressor in our relationship and it seems like theyll get better for a bit after we talk about it#then it gets bad again#and it sucks because i was excited! and now im feeling bitter and upset and i either have to swallow it#or bring the mood down#and im sure they have more shit to do at home so its not like they'll be sticking around for a long time tomorrow#if they do i'll be shocked#but like. id thought of fun stuff we can do and im cool with not doing them but a better fucking heads up would be appreciated#i shouldnt have to ask 3 times to find out when youre coming#especially when i give a very long time between asking to not be a bother#and it just feels like they dont respect me or my time. i couldve done so much more this afternoon#but ive been here fucking waiting for them.#and i told them i was worried this shit would happen once i no longer lived right near them#and they said it wouldnt be a fucking problem. well guess what.#and i have had to defend them to my dad who i live with as well#and then this shit happens. it sucks#anyway. i thought they'd be here 2 hours ago.#whatever. nothing i can do about it now.#tree talks
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Orr thoughts on the thoughts that I sent you before
But Mac failing to disarm the bomb. Someone died. He was too late. Too clumsy. Too slow. He’s coated in ashes from the explosion. (This also falls into the intimacy that jack and mac have that has been floating around) but Jack sends mac to shower and comes back and mac is still just sitting on the floor in a daze(probably guilt ridden) and jack has to take him step by step through getting cleaned up(THE WHOLE TIME JUST RAMBLING AND COMFORTING WITH JUST HIS STEADY PRESENCE)
Do with that what you will but I’m dying because of the thought of it 🥹 and I thought you’d enjoy these thoughts :))
IM GRINNING LIKE A COMPLETE MORON AT WORK BECAUSE OF THIS HOW COULD YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAYYYYYYYY
#is this the sandbox? is this with the Phoenix??#ID DOESNT MATTER ITS BEAUTIFUL EITHER WAY AND MY BRAIN CANNOT HANDLE THE THOUGHT#just like#Jack telling Mac he’ll feel a bit better after a shower#and Mac normally takes like quick showers just out of habit unless he’s like filthy#and Jack expects him to take a longer one because of what happened#but then minutes go by and pretty soon it’s been like half an hour and Mac still hasn’t emerged#so Jack knocks on the door#and Mac’s just sitting fully clothed in the shower#and the waters already gone cold#so Jack just speaks softly to him and turns the water off and takes his clothes off#and does what he can to get some of the gunk off#waiting for the water to get a bit warm again so he can wash Mac’s hair#all while telling him a story about how his mother used to do it for him when he was younger#in this essay i will#lailuh speaks#macgyver#macgyver 2016#ask#answer#bold and nosy#hello thank you i love you
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somebody needs to come play sky with me
#noooo this is not because ive reached a secret area you can only access with help from another player no not at ALL whatever gave you that#-idea?#the stupid part is. id been waiting around for another player to come for like half an hour (exaggeration it was probably only a few minutes#AND I SAW ONE AND THEY HELPED ME OPEN THE AREA!!#BUT THEN MY DUMBASS DECIDED TO EXIT THE APP TO GO GOOGLE WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO FIND THIS THING IM LOOKING FOR AND THE GAME CAST ME OUT OF#-THE AREA SO NOW I HAVE TO OPEN IT AGAIN. my idiot self couldn’t just take what was given to it huh#magpie thoughts#no but aside from that. sky colt is fun and pretty (until you get to golden wasteland anyway) i need more friends on there HSHDSDHSD#magpie in the sky
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Well I officially am sick of the water main construction
The water pressure only comes out semi-full and only ONLY if one source is being used (no washing a load of laundry while you hand wash some dishes) and I have to water my garden by filling up a bucket/watering can and run back and forth
Which I did with a large flower pot... and I tripped and spilt the water I spent 5 min collecting... and i got my shoe and pants all wet :(
I'm praying that it wont take a month like the guy said and that it's gonna be like two weeks but 😩 fuck man
#marquilla#thankfully if need be i can take my laundry to my aunt's house and wash there but id very much like NOT to bc theres nothing to do there#while i wait sgdgdggd like guess ill go sit on the porch for an hour :/#i mean i could clean but fuck that sggdgdgd#im just very glad that the construction worker guys were very nice to me shdgdgdg i really thought theyd be like grumpy asses#bc thats how they are when i hear them outside but i guess thats just coworker bullshit which same agsgsggs
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#delete later#im so exhausted and stressed. theres such a lack of stability and its freaking me out SO much. im just constantly tense and waiting#for something terrible to happen. im starting to think that im not gonna get to go to the entomology thing ive been hoping#how i can't do things independently and i must have been forced into this abd rhen it'll get cruel towards my friends abd i cant#and my aunt is getting worse abd my parents are waiting for me to fail abd have to move bsck with them which i can't do bc#to go to for months bc ill probably need to use that time off for preparing to move. which sucks. ive been looking forward to it#i was letting myself get my hopes up and that was a mistake bc now im rly disappointed. im hoping i can go but honestly#idk if it'd be financially responsible. same with comic con. its in october so i can probably go but it might not be a financially#good idea. it just. the things i was counting on to be stable sources of joy are not stable anymore and that's making everything worse#and im tryinh to be positive but im so anxious. theres just so much. i need to think about packing and try to figure out#how im going to move 1-2 hours away. how am i going to coordinate with movers whilst having to get the train to meet them#im disabled and cabt help move things so only getting one person ro deliver worries me. movers arent insured to take ppl with them#theres just SO MUCH. And i can't view properties easily bc of work so im missing out on multiple places that ive been contacting#ppl about abd i couldnt line up enough for last week when i was off bc it was too short notice and i just. its TOO MUCH TOO MUCH#im overwhelmed. im trying to think of the food im gonna cook when im there ahd the armchair im gonna buy#im gonna eat so much fucking lamb and fish oh ny god im excited for THAT#i wany to just go for the shittiest place to at least have some stability and bc i still have yhat kernel of thought that i dont#deserve comfort but im trying to fight it bc i do. i deserve somewhere nice and its unfair on myself not to find somewhere nice#especially as ill be living alone. i cant go for places that have no natural light or are four stories up or are a mile away from the train#station bc that will wreck my mental health and i wont have ready access to socialising that can stabilise me. gotta be fair#to myself. but THATS PROVING REAL DIFFICULT#im doing good saving though so thats nice i guess. fuck me moving is expensive. moving when you've got zero kitchen supplies is#even more so. gonna be an Interesting first couple days in the new place.#it will be. very bad. they keep texting me asking about it and i have to be positive bc otherwise itll become a conversation about#field all that shit when im like this. i just cant. that requires so much fucking energy i dont have. and i wont move back#id frankly rather die. and trying to not say that and decline politely sucks. bc they get the look of#oh we're not good enough huh#and i can't field their fucking feelings. i either need a pause button or a fast forward. id take either one#so many of these tags ended up out of order whoops. but these arent meant to be read anyway#i just need to scream bc idk what else to do
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I'm going to make the best of these two years.
But man, I just want to get married.
My beloved knows this too, but he's not ready and I really get wanting to wait until he done with his military contract.
God has plans for us, and I will have an adventure in grad school. I might even get the opportunity to perform outside of the country. Maybe if I do well enough with graduate assistantship I can walk into a doctoral program (if I immediately get my doctorate, I 1000% do not care what that will bring but I am getting married and starting a family). That'd be nice, and maybe I can get a symphony job.
I hope I can do good at whichever parish I join, whether the community one or the Newman center. I am excited about joining a Bible study and meeting with people my age. I'm excited about having access to a gym. I'm excited about campus events, even if they're geared towards undergrads. I'm excited to make new friends and also living close to my boyfriend's family to help out.
Even with all that, I really wish we could get married sooner. I hate the waiting. I just want to be with him. I don't care if we don't have our lives together, I just want to be with him.
But, I am grateful for the opportunity to continue my education and all the opportunities and experiences graduate school is going to give me. I'm very excited to get better at my instrument and become a better person.
And after grad school, we can get married, we can buy a house, and settle down. I won't have to worry about moving. We can be part of a community. We can have kids and we can teach them our love of sports, music, our faith, and loving others. I can teach, whether at a school or private lessons, and play in symphony. I do very much want to spend time with little ones and be a stay-at-home mom. I want a sweet little baby of my own.
I just have to make it through the next two years.
#this evenings thoughts#this pretty much sums up my thinking#i really just want to settle down#im 26 and i just want a family and to be settled#ill be 28 when i graduate and get married#im not in a rush but its tough when i know what i want#and i have to be away from my significant other for two years#we can meet up just fine but its tough being 3 hours apart#i think itd be nice if he proposee this year#thatd be cool#id want to get married anytime from December 2025 to June 2026#i cant help but be jealous of my friends who got married last year or so at 24 or 25 and i have to wait#but i know it will be for the best and i cant complain Because my significant other is so wonderful#maybe we'll get married sooner?#kind or doubt it but its a nice sentiment#rattlings and such#tradlife#personal#i keep finding the cutest houses and man its a struggle#maybe by waiting the housing market will be a little better and we can get a nice old home#i know what i like at the very least#its so nice to go to church together#id love if that was a more regular occurrence#we'll get there though
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