#not so for drinking. thats something im only managing to Not Do by a fucking thread

[paiges-1vur]

can you write about reader riding paige's face 🙈 only if you're comfortable with it 💞

all of you… as always, enjoy loves <3

uconn just celebrated their win against usc, leading them into the final four. the whole world was left in shock as uconn defied all the odds. you had met paige years ago, when she first came to uconn. you guys had met from mutual friends, but slowly grew closer, becoming fuck buddies. you had a no strings attached rule, but something about the way your heart stopped whenever paige called, said differently. you honestly didnt expect anything from her. you were at her beck and call, ready for whenever she needed you. it was coincidental that you both crossed paths that night..

somehow, you guys both ended up at teds, a few drinks in and ready to have fun. once she locked eyes with you she swiftly made her way over to you, smirking. she soon told her teammates she had to take you home, because you had “too much to drink” bullshit. as soon as you got in the uber she pounced on you, pulling you into a deep kiss. she lightly bit your lip, causing you to moan. she slipped her tongue into your mouth, exploring you while her hands traveled up your dress.

as soon as she led you into her hotel room, your arms were above your head, and your body pinned against the wall. paige moved to take off your shirt, breaking the kiss for a moment. “off.” she commanded, “arms up.” she pulled the shirt off, throwing it to the floor. her knee slipped in between your legs, as she applied pressure, leaning into you. you elicited a deep moan, making paige grin against you as she moved to kiss and leave love bites on your neck. “like that?” she asked teasingly, creating friction once again with her knee. you whined “please, paige now..”

“jump.” she grabbed you by the waist and you jumped into her arms as she carried you closer to the bed. “these, come off now.” she said, moving her fingers to unbutton your jean skirt. soon you were left in just your underwear and bra, as paige looked at you hungrily. “oh.. and these can come off too,” she said pulling your underwear down to your ankles in one swift move, making you flinch at the sudden movement. she grinned down at you “lucky me..” she moved to lie down on the bed, pulling you down with her. “i have you all to myself” you swung a leg across her abdomen, to straddle her. “what do you want me to do paige?” she smirks, playing with a strand of your hair, her other hand sitting comfortably on your hip. “i want to taste you baby, do you think you can help me?” you nod eagerly, your core aching for attention from the blonde. “whatever you want paige..” you breath. “good girl, thats what i thought. now, sit up and grab the headboard for me, okay darling?” you nod sitting up on your knees and grabbing the headboard as you feel paiges hands navigating your hips. she moves you so that your hovering over her face. you can feel her ragged breathing against your sensitive skin, giving you goosebumps. you let out a shakey exhale. “now,” paige starts, “sit down baby, i got you..” her hands push down on your hips, as her mouth attaches to your clit. you immediately roll your eyes at the sudden sensation. “p-paige oh my! yes!” she grins against you, her tongue working under you. her tongue darts in and out of your slick folds, lapping you up. your moans grow louder and more frequent as she continues to eat you out. “paige! i cant take it.. im going to cum” you manage to say, now riding her face gripping the headboard for support. her hands are back on your hips, guiding them to move against her mouth, as you ride her. “cum for me baby” she managed to let out, her voice husky and strained.

as you ride out your high you lean your forehead onto the headboard, taking dee breathes still coming down from the high. you slowly sit back down to straddle paiges abs, looking her in the eyes. her eyes arent her usual ocean blue, but now a dark and icy blue color. her mouth and chin are dripping with your juices as she brings her wrist to her face, to wipe it clean. “you did so good for me baby,” she says putting a kiss on your forehead gently. your still trying to form words, breathless from your release. “i, i think i need to lie down..” you say letting out a deep breath. paiges hands move to your waist, placing you to lie down on the bed next to her. you put your head on her chest slowly drifting off to sleep exhausted, but over the moon.

[h1biscusgal]

asks in a bundle bc im tired- PART 1

so, good question, hypnagogic is BEFORE sleep, dreaming is DURING sleep, two very different things, dreaming is not tethered to the body, it's actually purely the mind NOT AWAKE, ONLY ENTERS A BRAIN STATE WHERE IT PRODUCES DREAMING, hypnagogic is ABOUT to lose it's awareness to the body (the process of entering the void if aware, and sleep if not aware), but dreaming is more like you move and such, yk? but the Hypnagogia is where you are laid down, won't move, seen flashing lights and imagery that is NOT identifiable. in the hypnagogia it's more like random shapes and imagery, yk?

NAH ML IT ISN'T, IT'S JUST A PIC I FOUND IN PINTEREST. T.T

ml don't ever LET one comment dictate ur life, assumptions create you, when i listen to subs and see ppl complaining they didn't get results, i go past it and act like it's does not concern me, and guess what? i still get results, it's not about "oh im scared it'll happen to me!"

nah ml, simply trust, and ofc i am not forcing anyone to listen to my sub! it was something i just made to help some of those with problems.

yes

OFCCCC, usually it's literally up to you, but i have some ideas here and each can choose, btw, the zones don't dictate your job at all ml.

here's a link of one of my fave old bloggers i adore them sm, here, credits all to her btw

i am so sorry but i did not understand A SHIT-, but i translated it for myself and let's see.

OK SO I TRANSLATED IT, FIRST, OFC MY LOVE U CAN BE MY ANON, AND YES OFC YOU CAN TELL ME UR EXPERIENCES, and yes ofc, it is supposed to feel like your body is separating, that's the whole point ml.

when u change ur grades? it is changed EVERYWHERE

like seriously ive manifested it, it's SO TRIPPY, like i felt i'd get 40 smth on 60 then i go back and see it's fucking 60/60 which is a 100 in my country :D

literally one thing.

identify with the reality that you got a high grade, THATS ALL, like BEEEEE the version that already had the grades, yk?

there is no "it doesn't manifest", literally none, if i managed to change my grades in a day then u DEF can.

simply identify you have it.

ITS OKAYYYY ML, so, to keep awake during an awake method (YOU CAN TRY SLEEP METHODDDDDSSS-)

leave my alter ego alone she likes to yell "use sleeping methods."

anyways! try coffee or an apple beforehand? someone said an energy drink, you could also try during naptimes? daytimes? when you just wake up? AND GOOD LUCK IM PROUD OF U

FUCK THE THOUGHT AND YEET IT OUT OF UR BRAIN, LITERALLY BULLY THAT NAGGING THOUGHT, LIKE SAY:

"NUH UH U DUMB BITCH GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND NUH UH AINT HAPPENING I ALREADY HAVE A 95"

so sorry i acted up- ANYWAYS IT EASY ML, BANISH it, like literally BANISH it, throw it out and burn it-

ok so, in short, having that thought? "so what, bye, off u go"

I SWEAR I MISSED YALL EVEN MORE UGH

FUCK YEAH, remember, you're not "creating", you're simply deciding to live in a version of you that already was friends with that group and these people existed in the first place ofc. MWAH

PLEASE IM ROLLING- NO ML ITS OKAY I UNDERSTAND U ML.

okay first.

if so then lock me up rn first person bc this means that i am seeing things and did not manifest my 100 percent grades, growing taller, healthier hair, my desired body, etc etc.

my love seriously NO- WHAT DO U MEAN NOTHING IS REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL, it is, when you manifest it, you seriously did it, you can't say "OH I HAVE THIS" and it doesn't show up, you change your version, not the "reality" like you be cooking up some shit.

it's not:

OH I WANNA HAVE A CAR, LETS CREATE A REALITY I HAD A CAR,

it goes like this:

OH I WANNA HAVE A CAR, LETS BE THE VERSION THAT I HAVE THE CAR.

(im not mad at u ofc that's me acting up)

seriously those who manifested rn are THRIVING without the need of therapy or whatnot, and let me tell you, the first thing that LOA and those shifting things taught us? is to love yourself.

YES OF COURSE??????? IT WON'T BE DIFFERENT WHEN YOU PUT IT, seriously nothing will go the other way when you don't want it to go different.

DARL U SOUND LIKE ME I ALSO HAVE THEM EXAMS AT 1ST JUNE.

so, let's see, scared?

talk with yourself, sit yourself down and literally talk to the air if you like why is it that you're scared, why? go to the root and eliminate it, gently remind urself.

"but i already know i can, so why? these people who panic don't know the law, but i do!"

see? be gentle, fear is not something to push, don't EVER push fear away, simply PRY it away.

"never properly tried for the void."

"i want my life now."

THEN USE IT AND ENTER???????????

guys please, i love you all so so much like even more than myself but PUH-LEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE.

my darling you said you know it's real so you don't doubt it.

you tried 10k aff challenges.

you did this you did that.

and you want your life.

see the problem? you don't say "i have my life."

you say "i WANT my life." want what? be the version that has your life, void or not, i swear it's a click of a finger.

NAH IT'S NOT A GROUP SHIFT DATE (YET) BUT GO AHEAD ML, IT'S CALLED SHIFTING DARLING, pick a method of shifting, and set the intention to shift there, if you have questions of shifting search it up!

OKAY SO.

ts stuff is actually so powerful y'all, but first nope, no "wrong" thing will happen bc the creator himself said he added safety affs, he just put the warning there not for doing something wrong, he meant dont purposely use it for something bad bc it is highly suggestable, but i can understand, and rest assured, it's not going to implant it in the mind, simply listen to it once, then play your sub overnight or once before bed, DW MY LOVE IT'S SAFE, I'VE TRIED IT,

BUTTTTTTTTTTTT, of course i understand if you still feel uncomfortable, i for once may not continue to use it, it is too powerful for me and i could not sleep at all, switch it out with a regular booster, if u want! or simply use isochronic tones beforehand.

I ADORE AND LOVE U MORE OMGWYUEKRMLWHIGFRTYHNJW MWAH MWAH MWAH

SIT DOWN, AND SEE THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM.

guys really, it's okay to feel like there's a block in your way, gently sit down and talk it out with yourself, you'll see what is in the way, and once you see it, simply work to take it off, done!

OH MY GOD MY MOOT? IWOIQDHEURGFVUEJQIWO YALL THAT'S MY BABY LOOK AT HER OMG WIOUEREJIWKOQPEHFGEI I WANNA GIGGLE.

I KNOW U CAN DO IT SO BAD OMG, MY ASK / INBOX IS OPEN FOR UR SUCCESS OMG.

STOP I'M GIGGLING TEE HEE QUWGYEWQJIIEHIRGWEIHJQ, MWAH MWAH MWAH EXACTLY LIKE SEEING PPL LIKE THIS GOING BACK TO THEIR ROOTS MAKES ME SO HAPYYYYYYYYYYYY

that's actually a good one! i promise to do it when i entered, thanks anon!

yessss, these are all possible according to UR BELIEFSSSSS, and my love i seriously understand you, don't worry ml i get u.

yup. back it up with belief.

OMG YEESSSS I CANNOT WAIT TO MEET EVERYONE THERE.

nah do whatever u want ml, mix both if u want!

im sorry waht.

OKAY SO I LAUGHED, HOPE U ENTER SOON DW, lets see, veg but wanna eat non veg...? i am so sorry i cannot say anything that maybe could offend a certain religion, i myself eat meat and i do not feel bad about it, but it is different for everyone of course! i cannot say about this, sorry.

YESSS PERFECTLY GOOD TOO.

last hope? darl nothing should be ur last "hope"

there is no "hope", only certainty, you ARE doing everything right, simply back it up with BELIEFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF in yourself, you are the method yourself.

okay so, this sounds like the hypnagogic/into void type of state, yknow? the whole symptoms you said is actually a sign it is ENTERING the void, not really FULLY in the void yet, in it you should only feel calmness, and pure peace, no heartbeat, not one feeling of "flying", you'll just feel formless.

wtf tumblr is not letting me post more pics, anyways here is the last remaining ppl:

"anon:

okay so please tell me if I might have shifted or if I'm just going crazy

so bathroom rods. random, I know. but we're getting a new house and we bought some for our bathrooms. however, my dad happened to buy some extras and neither he nor my mom could figure out why. then I told them that we'd discussed having extra rods outside the shower area to hang our dry clothes to change into. BOTH MY PARENTS DONT REMEMBER HAVING THAT CONVO. EVER. this is actually so insane to me like??"

that's shifting!

"anon:

genuine question how do I do an asleep method because I do NOT want to get up for school tomorrow I’d rather live in a castle"

THERE IS THOUSANDDDDDDDS, sleep and have pure belief, or by a subliminal, so any shifting sleep method, do sats, do hypnagogia, there's endless things.

oh my god that was a lot-

[misayani]

LOVE SONG — THANOS (PLAYER 230)

◜ pairing ... thanos (choi su-bong) / player 230 x  fem reader

◜ how does it feel, to be here? cold and lonely.

𔗨 author's note — yayyy a non smut fic from misa !!! noooo, it's angst:( this is short !! and ALSO THANK U SO MUCH FOR 1,015 FOLLOWERS ??? thats a lot lot and im vv thankful for each and every single one of you, ily [lowercase intended]

🧷 𝓜isa mentions — @joc3lynx @mymel1008 @justredsw @wlvlurvsfimmia @azansstuff @dvrk-hoon @yersang-dreams @keiradg01

— angst, comfort if you squint

hard rain drops echoed through the empty halls of your apartment, the smell of cigarettes lingering in the cold air, as you stood in the middle of the living room.

your eyes stare at the cardboard boxes in front of you for a moment, and then to the shattered empty vodka bottles on the wooden floor.

you looked completely disheveled—dark circles weighed heavily beneath your eyes, your hair completely untouched and unkept, and you wore nothing but an oversized white shirt and a pair of underwear.

disgusting. you reeked of alcohol and cigarettes. it's ironic how your achromatopsia—your complete color blindness—makes this experience even better.

your eyes dart to your phone laying on the floor as it starts suddenly ringing, su-bong's name flashing across the screen. are just imagining things or is it really him?

a smile forms on your dry, pale lips, the skin cracking but it did not bother you at the moment, as you approach the vibrating phone, absolutely not caring about how the shattered glass cut through your skin as you walked across it, blood seeping out of the cuts.

you immediately answered the call and brought the phone close to your ear

"su-bong? su-bong!" your heart skips a beat, "honey please come back! i know i promised that i won't ever drink anymore, but i missed you too much." your voice breaks,

"i- i don't even know where you are... please, su-bong, tell me, so i can find you! oh how i missed you so mu—"

"knock it off, crazy bitch!" a rough voice slices through, the man's voice filled with venom and disdain as he spats at the other end of the call. "do you know the trouble i went through just to get your fucking number?!"

the words hit you like a slap. you blink, disoriented, your chest tight with shock and confusion. his words echo in your mind as you struggle to comprehend. then— "i'm going to hunt you down and fucking gut you if you don't pay off your boyfriend's de—"

"fuck you! fuck you!" you scream, voice raw with anger. your hand shaking as you slam your thumb against the end call button.

the sound of the call disconnecting only amplifies the silence that follows. but it's not a silence of relief, it's worse. 

your body trembles as the tears break free, rolling down your pale cheeks. you wipe at your face repeatedly but it doesn't result to any better, the tears keep coming. 

you pulled your knees up to your chest, curling into yourself as you absentmindedly scrolled through your phone, your thumb brushing over the screen before clicking on something.

a hiccup escaped from your lips as you pressed the phone to your ear. 

"senorita, are you crying again?" su-bong's voice cut through the silence as you kept quiet, your eyes empty as they stared away to the gray surroundings that felt like were closing in.

you finally heard his voice. you finally heard his voice.

"cmon, don't cry." his voice continued, "you know i don't like seeing my princess cry." 

despite the warmth in his voice, the emptiness in your chest deepened. 

"i miss you." you manage to force out, your voice barely above a whisper, the words feel heavy, like a weight pressing against your chest, but you let them escape anyway, desperate for him to hear them.

"awww, that's my girl! i knew you would cheer up with candy." his voice cooes, soft and comforting, but soon it fades as you slowly pull the phone away from your ear. 

you stare at it blankly, the colors from the screen falling upon your eyes that couldn't see color, as your thumb hovers over the pause button of the recorded video.

in the video, su-bong's smile flashes on the screen, a moment frozen in time, his face filled with warmth as he engulfed you in a hug, laughing softly as you struggle to open the candy packaging.

the simple joy of the moment was captured and to be kept forever. the memory tugs at something deep inside you, but all you could see was gray.

your heart hammered inside your chest as the realization hits you like a bullet shot through your body. 

su-bong is dead. su-bong is dead. stop being fucking delusional.

you force the words into your mind, repeating them over and over. you try to shake the lingering hope, but it was useless. 

then, a small pool of blood slowly spread beneath your feet, its dark color stark against the ground. 

you scoffed, finding the whole situation fucked and funny. but it was getting so damn overwhelming, you felt like a bomb, you could explode in any minute.

you couldn't tell what hurt more—the raw sting of your cut feet or the hollow, suffocating truth that the man you loved most was really gone.

the pain in the soles of your feet throbbed, but it paled in comparison to the ache spreading through your chest, a deep, gnawing emptiness that nothing could fill. 

the absence of su-bong—the hole he left—feels like it's swallowing you whole. then another truth settles in; you're so fucked.

the debts he left behind? they're yours now. and somehow, you know it's never going to end.

@misayani

[smoshyourheadin]

Maybe u could do a Spencer besties to lovers? Like they've known each other a long time yk

Thankssss no pressure if ur busy ofc <3

It’s Always Been You

cw: reader has a boyf who she breaks up w bc he’s an alchaholic!! don’t read if you aren’t comfortable, i’ll catch you another time ml 💛

a/n: EEK IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT ANON 🫶🫶💛💛 also im taking this as smosh spence not cm spence so feel free to re-request if you’d like <33 ps, ive written that he listens to pink floyd here so thats who syd barrett is if you don’t know :))

requests r open!!

///

pairing: spencer agnew x fem!reader

florida, 2002

you and spencer were scurrying around in the freshly mown grass of his backyard, playing tag.

“you didn’t get me, you cheated!” you exclaim, ducking as he reaches out to get you again, tumbling to the floor.

“did too!” spencer retorts, his grazed knees dropping to the floor so he can lean over you. he meets your eyes, pulls a tongue, and hoists himself back up to run to his tyre swing.

all 11 years you’d known, you’d known them with spencer. your moms had been great friends since way before you were born, being in the same book club. or was it an art night? you didn’t exactly know, but you did know that because your moms were best friends, so were you and spencer.

as you sprung back up to your feet, your moms watched your antics through the kitchen window.

“whoever can swing the other the highest gets to have the last red popsicle!” he yelled as you ran over

“oh you’re so on!”

your hands gripped the tyre and you pushed like your life depended on it.

“y’know,” your mom said “one day, they’re going to end up together.”

his mom looked over at yours and smiled,

“i’d be surprised if they didnt honestly.”

los angeles, 2024

you walk through the door of your apartment, and you kick the door closed behind you. your bag slides off your shoulder, and you throw your keys onto the dresser next to the door. you only manage a long groan before flopping onto the couch.

“heya, charlie!” you scrunch your face up as you feel your dog’s cold, wet nose press against your cheek, as he gently wags his tail

“i missed you too boy, work was so tiring today.” you work at smosh with spencer, and have done for the past seven years after you left your job at another channel to join him. it was basically the best decision you’d ever made, every day filled with laughs; practically just a 24/7 hangout. you work with spencer on smosh games, but rarely ever go on camera, even if spencer’s there. you enjoy it anyway though.

you sit up and scratch behind his ears. he wiggles his body contently at your fondness. and then your stomach growls. it made sense, it was currently 6:43pm, and you last ate at noon, so you get up and drag yourself to make some mac n cheese.

as the pasta boils your phone starts ringing.

it’s james.

rubbing your hands over your face, you answer the dreaded call from your boyfriend james.

“heyyy~ sweetheart, y’doin okay? you were hic bein’ a bit of a bitch today, didnt answer my calls, what, you hate me or sumn?” he rambles, most of his words just slurring off.

“james, are you drinking again?” your voice is agitated, hearing the chattering and the low bass of a bar in the background.

you know he has a problem, and you’ve tried to get him to stop so many times. but you just can’t. he just won’t take your help.

“wha- i mean- well- no- but um- well y’r just gonna be mad at me like y’allways are” he stammers, not wanting to tell you the truth.

“no, i’m done with this. you say all this to me when you’re drunk, and then act like everything is fine! i’m sick of it! you spend so much time at the bar, and its the only place we ever go on dates, and i just end up babysitting you! so yeah i am mad! but for the last time! fuck you james.”

you hang up.

you start to tear up, the knot in your chest tight as your emotions come rushing to you, face heating up as tears begin to fall. the hissing of something behind you snaps you out of it.

“shit!” you rush over to to your stove, where the water from your pasta spills over the sides, the flames licking at the bottom of the pan.you take it off the heat and turn it off. it looks done anyway. you add some butter, and, of course, cheese. stirring gently, you sob.

james was so nice to you, always showering you with gifts and praise and love. but it was all for nothing. he just didn’t love you like he loved drinking in the end.

pouring the mac n cheese into a bowl, you call spencer.

“hey lemon! how’s my favourite person this fine evening?” you smile at the nickname.

florida, 2007

“spencer, you’re a boy. why are you so complicated? i mean, its just annoying!” you walk into his bedroom after his mom let you in, clearly pissed off. being 16 isn’t fun, especially when boys you like are rude to you.

“what did he do?” spencer doesn’t look up from his computer, just slightly turn his head.

“he said that i must eat lemons because of how bitter i am. i mean come on!” you lie on his bed and watch him play runescape.

“lemon… hmph” he just smiles and continues whatever he was doing on his game.

“what? nothing to say? ugh! you suuuuuck!”

los angeles, 2024

“yeah, i mean, no. i broke up with james.” you sniffle, and eat a forkfull of your food, elbows resting on the cold marble of the kitchen island.

“i mean- um- yeah thats horrible…” he says

“you’re allowed to celebrate, i know you hated him. and so did everyone. but still. im fragile right now!” you giggle through your gentle tears

“well, i mean, honestly? glad he’s gone. he sucked dude. not sure why you didn’t do it sooner. well, one positive to come of this, your pillows won’t stink of beer next time i nap at yours!” he replies, clearly happy for you.

“yeah,” you chuckle at the memory of spencer falling asleep on your bed, then completing his hair smelt like budweiser “that is true.”

“all seriousness though, are you okay?” his voice is genuine this time, filled with concern.

“no, not really. it’s just… different i guess. but, not much has changed y’know? like, it already felt like he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore…” you begin to ramble for at least 20 minutes, only to be met with the occasional ‘mhmn’ and ‘yeah’ from spencer. mid sentence, there’s a knock at your door.

“oh one sec, someone’s here.” you get up from your table and swing the door open to see a very sympathetic looking spencer, two target bags in his hands.

your jaw is on the floor. you were just crying to him over the phone, and he’d stayed whilst going out to get what you can only assume is things like sour patch kids and vanilla ice cream, which you could see at the top of the bag. your favourites.

“girls night?” he smirked and raised the bags at his sides.

all you can do is smile ear to ear, and wrap him in a tight hug. he leaned into you, basking in your sweet citrusy perfume.

“you’re my favourite, spencie.” you say into his shoulder.

as you both walk inside, charlie comes bounding over to spencer, his favourite person.

“who’s a good boy! charlie is!” spencer was now crouchedby your kitchen island, fussing over your dog as you walked to put on something more comfortable. you slid on some track pants and an old atari hoodie. walking back into your kitchen, spencer has unpacked the bags, and is creating his favourite conconction, The Agnew Sundae. basically the most sickeningly sweet ice cream ever. his dad made it for you both in the summer, and it consisted of:

vanilla ice cream

chocolate syrup

caramel sauce

whipped cream

sprinkles

mini marshmallows

chocolate chips

m&ms

and some crushed oreos to finish.

god, you know you’re going to regret this later, but boy was it a good way to cheer you up.

also strewn on the counter was his switch and copy of animal crossing, a few of his dvd’s for you to watch, and his mom’s chocolate chip cookies.

“spencer, how on earth did you get these? your mom lives across the country!” you hold up the baggie, and raise an eyebrow.

he looks up from his ice cream assembly station, and smirks.

“a magician never- ow!”

you cut him off by lightly jabbing his arm

“okay okay, she visited not to long ago - when she took you to the mall? and she gave me these to freeze and keep for an important event. i think she’d agree this is important.” you cant help but smile at his remark. you missed you moms.

“i’ll have to ring her later to thank her.” you say.

the night goes on, and you and spencer sit on the couch under a blanket watching barbie princess charm school. because what else are you going to watch?

as the movie goes on, and the effects of the agnew sundae kick in; you were dozing off on his shoulder. towards the end of the movie, so does he. he drifts off, comforted by your soft hair occasionally brushing against his face.

you stir awake, the sun beaming into your eyes through your semi-open blinds, and you’re hit by a wave of memory. everything that happened last night comes flooding back.

james’ call.

spencer’s call.

spencer showing up for you.

at the latter, you smile slightly. you prop yourself up on the sofa, and notice the absence of spencer’s warmth by you. frowning slightly, you walk into the kitchen.

“morning sleepyhead” his sweet voice rings through the room

“hey. i thought you’d’ve gone home”

“no, im not that mean! who do you take me for?” he retorts, his attention turning back to the pancakes on the stove.

“pancakes? what time is it?” you come up behind him, putting your chin on his shoulder.

“yeah, and it’s about 10:30.” he leant his head on yours, flipping one. you had to admit, they look pretty good.

“10:30!?” you lift you head in surprise, looking at your phone “shouldn’t we be in work?”

“nope, i called us in sick. said my mom was having surgery. which she is, but i made it sound dramatic so we could stay off.” he looks at you, and smiles slightly.

“well, send her my love! i think i’ll go get dressed now.” he hummed, and you left the room.

opening your closet, you pick out a yellow baggy t-shirt and some grey sweatpants. you pull on some fluffy socks, and slip on a zip up hoodie. walking back out into the living room, spencer walks in with two plates piled high with pancakes, drenched in syrup and strawberries

“so,” you say, a fork full of pancakes in your mouth. “whats the plan for today?”

he looks over at you, and shrugs slightly. “not sure, we could go to the book store you like?”

“ah, you know the way to a girl’s heart“ you put a hand over your chest and giggle a bit.

a few hours later, you walk into the store, door creaking just a bit as a small brass bell chimes overhead. the air is filled with a comforting mix of old paper, leather bindings, and a hint of freshly brewed coffee from the corner cafe that you and spencer like to get tea from. you breathe it in deeply, a sense of calm washing over you. as you walk over the creaky wooden floorboards beneath you, soft warm light filters down from antique lamps, and cast a gentle glow over the rows of books. you ghost your fingertips over the cloth spines while the quiet murmur of whispered conversations and the occasional rustling of pages create a soothing background noise, almost like a lullaby. through spencer’s airpods, syd barrett serenades you both, and his voice blends seamlessly with the ambiance of the store.

“anything good today lemon?” spencer says as he shimmies up next to you in the aisle of towering book shelves, his voice like honey rolling off his tongue. his hair was unruly as always, but he looked so pretty in this light. his face was littered with freckles that you wish you could kiss. he’s smiling at you, and it snaps you back to reality, and reminds you of the fact you’re staring at him

“uh, yeah, i think i’ll get this one” you smile back, holding up a copy of memoirs of a geisha by arthur golden

“cool, shayne likes that one i think. but he likes every book so…” he smiles at his own remark “um, you want me to grab our normal seats in the cafe while you pay for that?”

“yes, please!” you reply eagerly, smiling as he walked off.

you walk up to the cashier, an older lady who always gives you a bookmark.

“thank you m’darlin’, have a lovely day!”

“you too mrs bryson!” you reply, heading over to spencer who’s sat in some plush leather armchairs. as you sit in comfortable silence with him, time seems to slow down, and for a moment, it's just you, spencer, the books, and the comforting atmosphere of this charming bookstore.

“i got you your sweet tea.” he says, handing you a plastic cup filled with your favourite tea.

he remembered.

fuck.

you were in love with spencer agnew, and it took you him handing you your favourite tea to realise it.

“thanks spence.” you say, still grasping the feelings in your chest.

while you read you book and drink your tea, you feel your attention drifting to him. you can't help but glance up from the pages every now and then, watching him as he sits across from you, his focus on his own book. his fingers absently tracing the rim of his coffee mug, his brow furrowing as he reads. the way the sunlight filters through the small window, casting a warm glow across his hair, highlighting the subtle streaks of lighter brown among his dark curls. you find yourself smiling at the sight of him, wondering when these small, mundane moments began to mean so much to you. the bookstore is quiet, aside for the murmur of others reading or talking in hushed tones. yet, with spencer sitting just a few feet away, the world feels like it's faded to the background. it's just you and him, sharing this space, this moment. you watch the way his lips move slightly as he reads, how he occasionally tilts his head in concentration, and the way his eyes light up when he finds something particularly interesting. as he looks up and catches you watching him, you feel a rush of warmth spreading through your chest. he smiles at you, a slow, easy smile that makes your heart skip a beat. he raises an eyebrow, and you quickly look back down at your book, feeling your cheeks flush. but you can't help it; your gaze finds its way back to him, like he's the most interesting story in the room. he seems to notice the shift in the air between you. he closes his book and leans forward slightly, his elbows resting on his knees.

“everything okay?” he asks, his voice gentle, his eyes filled with genuine curiosity.

“yeah,” you reply, trying to sound casual, though your heart is racing. “just... glad to be here with you.”

he nods, his smile growing a bit wider. “me too.”

as he settles back into his chair, you realize that this simple exchange has changed something. the air feels lighter, the connection between you stronger. you may have come here to read and relax, but now, sitting across from spencer, you know you've found something else entirely - something you never want to let go of.

as you leave the store, you’re panicking slightly as you realise you don’t know what to do. so instead you make up an excuse.

“i forgot my keys ," you blurt out, looking back at the bookstore. it's a thin excuse, but spencer doesn't seem to notice. he simply nods, a hint of concern in his eyes.

"do you want me to wait for you?" he asks, already reaching for his phone to check the time.

"no, it's fine," you reply quickly. "you can go ahead. i’ll just be a minute."

spencer seems reluctant to leave, but he nods, offering a warm smile before stepping out onto the street. you watch him walk away, his figure blending into the crowd as he heads toward the main crossing. your heart sinks a little as he disappears from view, and you take a deep breath, trying to steady your racing pulse.

the bookstore feels different now. the warm glow and soft murmurs are still there, but without spencer, it's like the color has faded a bit. you stand by the door, uncertain of what to do next. you could go back outside, catch up with him, and just say it. tell him how you feel. but the words seem stuck in your throat, and the thought of laying your feelings bare feels like too much, too soon.

you step back inside, pretending to look for something you might have left behind. the stacks of books seem to stretch endlessly in front of you, a maze of comforting distractions. you wander through the aisles, hoping to calm your racing thoughts, but all you can think about is spencer - his smile, the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs, the warmth of his voice.

eventually, you find a quiet corner and sit down, closing your eyes for a moment. you know you have to do something. you can't just let him walk away without knowing how much he means to you. but the fear of rejection, of changing everything, feels overwhelming.

you realize you need time to sort through your feelings, to figure out the best way to approach this. with a heavy heart, you decide to make your way home, hoping the familiar surroundings will bring clarity. as you step out onto the street, the cool breeze brushes against your skin, and you take a deep breath, trying to calm the storm of emotions raging inside you.

on the journey home, you replay the moments with spencer in your mind, each one a bittersweet reminder of how much he means to you. you know you can't keep hiding your feelings, but you also know you need to approach this with caution. as you unlock the door to your apartment, you make a silent promise to yourself—to take the time you need, to listen to your heart, and to find the courage to follow where it leads, even if it means risking everything for him.

when you get home, spencer tries calling you as he paces around his bedroom, his phone pressed against his ear. the ringing continues, but there's no answer. he frowns, feeling an uneasy twist in his stomach. maybe you're still in the bookstore. maybe your phone is on silent, or maybe you're just busy. he tells himself there's a reasonable explanation, but the doubt lingers.

as he walks to his kitchen, he dials again. this time, the call goes straight to voicemail. his instincts tell him something isn't right. the keys excuse felt odd, and your hurried departure only amplifies his worry. he takes a moment to think, then leaves his apartment, jumps in his car, starts the engine, and drives toward your apartment.

the streets pass in a blur as he navigates through the evening traffic, his mind racing with possibilities. he finds a parking spot near your building and heads to your door. the hallway is quiet, save for the distant sound of a tv from a neighbouring apartment. he takes a deep breath and knocks.

nothing.

he knocks again, this time a little louder. the knot in his stomach tightens. what if something's wrong? what if he's too late? he knocks a third time, and this time, he hears a faint rustling from inside. the door opens slowly, and there you are, standing in the doorway with a look of surprise and confusion.

"spence?" you say, blinking at him as if he's the last person you expected to see.

"i - i was worried," he stammers, rubbing the back of his neck. "you didn't answer your phone, and i - i didn't know if you were okay."

you tilt your head, trying to process why he's here. his eyes search yours, and you can tell he's anxious, almost desperate to explain himself. "i'm fine," you say, "just had some stuff to think about."

he nods, but you can see he's not entirely convinced. there's something else, something deeper. he takes a step back, as if he's about to leave, but then he hesitates. "i - i have to tell you something," he blurts out, his words coming out in a rush. "i like you. like a lot. like i think i love you? and i know it might be weird, and i don't want to mess things up, but I just had to say it - because i couldn't keep it to myself anymore.”

he looks at you, his eyes full of emotions you can't quite decipher yet. you nod, urging him to continue, even though your own heart is racing. there's something in his gaze that makes you realize this isn't just any confession - this is something that's been building for a long time.

"i've liked you since we were kids," he says, almost breathlessly. "i mean, you were always the coolest person I knew. you didn't care what anyone else thought. you were smart and funny and just... so genuinely kind. i remember when we used to ride our bikes around the neighbourhood, and you'd always be the first one to try something new. like, remember when you climbed that huge tree in mr lawson's yard just because you wanted to see the view from the top? i thought you were so brave."

he chuckles softly, his gaze softening as he reminisces. "and then, when we got older, you were always there for me. when my parents split up, and i felt like everything was falling apart, you were the one who came over with a pizza and just listened. you didn't try to fix it; you just let me talk. that's something i've always loved about you. you're a great listener, and you care about people. like, really care."

he shifts his weight from one foot to the other, his eyes locking with yours. "it's not just that, though. It's the little things, too. the way you laugh at the dumbest of angela’s jokes, the way you get excited about your favorite books, and how you always know the right thing to say when I'm feeling down. you make everything feel... lighter, you know? like, even when things are tough, you find a way to make it better."

spencer pauses, his voice growing more earnest. "so yeah, i've um, been holding onto this for a while, and i just, couldn't keep pretending that i didn't feel this way. i like you - a lot. and i don't know if you feel the same way, but i just couldn't not tell you anymore."

he takes a step back, the tension in his shoulders indicating that he's prepared to leave if needed. "i don't want to make things weird between us. if you don't feel the same, that's okay. i just had to say it, because you're the best thing in my life, and i can't keep acting like you aren't."

his confession takes you by surprise, but as he speaks, you feel a surge of warmth in your chest. the words you were struggling to say are suddenly so clear, so obvious. you watch as he starts to turn away, his shoulders slumping in resignation. before he can take another step, you grab his arm and pull him back, your lips pressing against his in a gentle, yet desperate kiss.

he freezes for a moment, stunned by your sudden action, then his arms wrap around you, pulling you close. when you finally break the kiss, you look into his eyes, and there's no doubt, no hesitation.

"it's always been you," you whisper, your voice soft but sure. "you're my person, spencer."

he hugs you tightly, his grip firm and comforting, as if he's afraid you'll disappear if he lets go. you rest your head on his shoulder, feeling the steady beat of his heart against your cheek. it's a perfect moment, one that feels like the beginning of something new, something beautiful.

and as you stand there in each other's embrace, you know that everything's going to be okay, because you have each other. and that's all that matters.

[pumpkinsy0]

hcs for ponyboy getting pneumonia 🤩

cant wait for this fucker to die off already (i would b very sad if he did)

•ponys got pneumonia a couple of times before and after this poi t, once as a baby, twice as a teen, he WILL get it in the future, hes a sick guy what can we say

•part of the reason y everyone in the gang is so protective of pony is BC he was pretty sick as a baby, ponys had 2 near death experiences and THAT was one of em.

•imma b frank n tell yall that they havent rlly went to the hospital for it before, each time pony got it, it was mild and even then they didnt know it was pneumonia SPECIFICALLY, just that he was pretty sick

•when he “got it” after dallys death n such, what caused it was being in that church for so long w all the dust, mold, shitty air, etc etc. he had bacterial pneumonia and its not like it just POPPED up one day, he was sick and just ignored it w pills n such to keep on pushin.

•w this pneumonia however, it was just flat out thee worst hes ever had it and ever will have it, the other times were more manageable while this time, combined w pony being very hallucinative, they feared pony was gonna die and thats y soda stayed at ponys side, scared he was gonna go out alone

•they knew it wasnt no regular ass sickness when ponys lips and fingernails started lookin blueish, im not kidding they thought ole ponyfella was gonna have to b put DOWN

•smoking can make it rlly hard for u to rlly clear ur airways, so ik ponys coughs were WET, he could cough as hard as he wants, hes done for either way (if u wanna hc him w asthma as well, it sounded like he was genuinely struggling to breath, he was wheezing loud and couldnt take deep breaths, just drinking was hell for him

•the type of pneumonia pony got is contagious for like 48 hours, he absolutely got a few ppl sick as well, maybe not as bad, but it was still there for sure, soda most def got sick but he was just glad ponys doin better while pony felt bad

•darry stuck by pponys side but i love thinking he felt a lil guilty for what happened to pony so he can only do it for so long before feeling like shit, he does make his soup and gives pony a lot of orange juice so he still feels a lil helpful

•bc bacterial pneumonia has symptoms that rlly do require medical attention, when pony was able to gain so semblance of consciousness in between his bouts of confusion he would refuse to go. he doesnt like hospitals and mumbled about the social worker finding that put and taking him away but darry and soda for the first time in forever didnt gaf about that, just wanted pony alive damn it!!

•funnily enough as much as he fought against it, pony doesnt remember it, but instead they just called a doctor to come over and take a look at the guy. he probably just thinks of it as a delusion or something, but he didnt rlly care that much to ask, cause a week and a half later he was feelin better

now THANKFULLY i get ur other ask before i finished this one so heres that curly bit🙏🏽🙏🏽

•they didnt see each other for MONTHS after pony got sick bc curly still had the 6 months to serve, tim told curly what was happening w pony but he focused more so on the fact that his 2 friends instead if him being sick which honestly, yea i get.

•so pony being sick COMPLETELY skipped passed his mind he thought it was like a kinda bad cold, nothin BAD like pneumonia😭

•reason y curly was like “hmmmm somethings off w him,,,” is bc yes, once again his friends died not too long ago, but also the pneumonia lowkey fucked his mental up, someone save this kid😭😭

[jerrysghostwriter]

Sober thoughts..

Continuation of drunk words

Nsfw/mdni

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Vessels POV

Id spent the three days since settling from tour thinking of III, hell id spent most of my time in general thinking of him, consumed by every action, drawn in by his presence

Yet he seemed to ignore me, after the first few shows id realized he avoided me constantly off stage, like id unknowingly caught some awful disease

Tonight i was fed up, i could only take so much, id finished off my fifth drink as my thoughts spiraled

'Why does he do this'

'What is it about me that isnt enough'

'Why does he hate me'

Every show he kisses me through our masks

Gropes me, grinds on me

Yet afterwards you would think we dont know each other at all

I know the others have noticed, side eyed and asked me what was going on, I just didnt have answer other than my own inner critic..

Before i know it ive drunk called and texted III, and then managed my way to and inside of his flat, my lips on his, my hands grasping at every inch of him i can

He seems to be unsure or wary and I start to think ive fucked up

If he didnt hate me he truly would now

But then he kisses me back, demands entry to my mouth

Its purely a battle of teeth and tongues at this point

Needing a breathe i pull away and look at him, breathing heavy and flushed red

Gods hes gorgeous is all im able to think

He breaks the silence first

"Ves.. Please"

Snapping my self out of my stupor I straighten up

"Please what III?"

"No more games, Touch me" he whimpers

Thats all it take to break me truly, grab him and bring him to the couch attempting to straddle him, yet before i can im flipped onto my back with him on top of me , looking down at me with a look on his face id finally managed to place, desire.

III POV

Bending down to take vessels shirt off i start to pepper kisses down from his jaw to his chest, his smooth skin, lean panes of muscle, id thought so much about it yet i could have never imagined this outcome

I get down to his belt and look up at him, his face taking on a pink hue, his chest covered in marks from my wet kisses

"May I?"

"Yes.. fuck please"

At his words I work his belt off and take him out of his jeans, stroking him gently leaving open mouthed kisses on his head

"Fuck III"

Hearing him whimper my name with that husk of desire and seduction is something i could have ever dreamed , though he seems to get tired of my teasing and takes control, fisting a hand in my hair and pushing me down

"Open"

I obey and he feeds his dick into my mouth, i go to suck but he pulls me back off of him with a pop

"Did I tell you to suck?"

Gods at this point Im going to come in my pants like a teenager

He puts me back on his dick and starts to thrust upwards, using me for his pleasure , drool running down my chin and tears in my eyes

He pulls me back up and throw me down on the couch as he crawls up over me

"Do you want this?"

"Yes vessel please" I whimper needy and worked up

He starts to undress me , nipping at the junction of my shoulder and neck running down my body until he gets to my joggers, pulling them off and spitting on my cock starting to stroke me

Gods I cant handle it, his touch , so gentle but the feeling of his rough hands on my sensitive skin is driving me insane , pre cum coating the head of my cock

"Tell me if you want to stop"

" keep going.. please vess dont stop"

"On your knees chest to the couch"

I follow his command, arching my back for him

"Look at you, needy and ready for me, so gorgeous"

"Please vess"

At plea he take a finger and drags it down my back to my sensitive rim before pushing it inside

"Fuck fuck fuck vess"

"Sshh ive got you"

After adding another finger and working me open he pushes the head of his dick against my ass wnd starts to push in

I cant help the moans that spill from me, covering my mouth to keep quiet i muffle my whimpers and whines but he grabs my arms and tugs them behind my back, holding them together in one spidery hand

"Let me hear you, hear what im doing to you"

Fuck im so screwed

He bottoms out with little resistance and hisses behind his teeth , starting to move slowly with a groan

"Fuck your doing so good for my baby"

"More please i need more i can take it"

At that he start to set a rhythm and as my moans get louder and my begging continues he seems to lose it and give in, pulling all the way out before going down to the hilt again at a punishing pace, sure the have me bruised and sore in the morning but fuck if im not enjoying every second only getting louder and louder as he goes, every one of his own moans spurring me on

"Fuck vess im gonna cum please dont stop"

"Not.. yet.. wait for me"

Fuck fuck fuck i cant take it anymore

"Fuckk now baby cum for me"

At his words that knot at the base of my spine unfurls and im filled with the white hot heat and ecstasy of an orgasm, barely registering him cumming in me or slowly fucking me through our releases

As we come down vessel seem to falter

"Fuck III thats not what i meant to happen"

At his words i start to worry , he thinks this was a mistake, he doesnt want me

"You regret this?"

He has this stricken look on his face as he replies "gods no, i just , i thought you didnt and thats why i texted and called, i couldnt handle the not knowing why you ignored me after how we acted on stage"

Hearing this the guilt sets in "Truly id never meant to, i thought that you hadnt wanted to be near me after, that id made things awkward between us"

"No III, Ive had feelings for you for years I just never acted on them, then when i thought you might feel the same you ignored me"

"Im so sorry"

"Its okay , just are we on the same page now?"

"Yes , yeah we are ves"

We spent the rest if the night cuddled in the couch working through lyrics and running through ideas for the next release

Glad to say that the saying is true

Drunk words really are sober thoughts

[carbuckety]

weezer coffee shop au

thank you ford and antonio for coming up with this with me on call

-there is a giant hole in the ground behind the counter

-brians the only customer

-pat spends all his time in the back room vaping on his phone

-the only time he leaves is when matt and rivers come in there to fuck

-rivers and matt are the only ones doing their job like ever but its mostly matt because brian comes in to flirt with rivers and rivers doesnt like him . so like matt will come out and make his drink and rivers will go hide in the back with pat and pat is like hey do you want a hit of this and rivers is shaking in the corner like im high on lif e .

-and ric (their manager) has put up a bunch of anti smoking signs around bc hes sick of pat just vaping in the back room all the time so rivers starts quoting them to pat and meanwhile brian is like looking behind matt and is like Where river…… and he gives matt his number to give to rivers and matt either just shoves it Into his drink while brian is watching or he gives it to rivers who gives it to mikey

-mikey is the new hire who keeps burning his hands on like Everything so they cant really trust him to make the drinks also he comes into work on ecstasy like every day and he thinks brian is really cute and brian does not really know he exists but rivers hands mikey the slip of paper whenever brian writes his number on it and mikey jsut kinda treasures it but he cant type it in because he dropped his phone in the hole

-one time brian brings a girl to the coffeeshop and theyre all mostly confused that brian dates women. but brian makes a long ass gay order and the girl orders like. one thing. and then brian turns his pockets inside out and a cartoonish fly is all that comes out and hes like Oops! guess you have to pay instead ^__^ and the girl is mad and thats the only date he ever has there

-mikey keeps almost tripping in the hole while matt and pat and rivers move around it with the grace of trained ballet dancers

-pat is ostensibly manning the drivethru and thats why hes never in the front and ric is mad at this but cant exactly stop him. but theres never anyone at the drivethru because as previously stated the only customer is brian who keeps spending shitloads of money there because he wants to take rivers home

-matt doesnt like serving brian bc brian will be like Well you have to do it like this because i make it at home and its like this and matt is justlike Uh ok then make it at home and brian is like Where river

-one time rivers is actually serving brian and ric is like Upcharge him. make him buy the brownies no one is buying the brownies theyre going stale and rivers doesnt really get it so he rings up brians order and then looks around nervously and is like okay…. thatll be ummm. two thousand dollars. and brian goes okayyy ^__^ yayyy . and he drops an extra ten bucks in the tip jar and winks and is like that ones for you hot stuff! and rivers goes . okay

-karl is like ric's nephew or something who he brings in to get work experience and karl is mostly only interested in watching the guys work so he ends up just driving rivers around because matt took his license when rivers locked mikey in the car after work and made him play HOLY SHIT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE. and now rivers makes karl drive him on his lunch breaks and looks out the window and wistfully sighs and is like I hope the car crashes and we all fucking die and karl is swerving across like 3 lanes of traffic and going ok rivers yay rivers ❤️ and they drive to the panera where green day works

-matt finds a better job somewhere else so they have a whole going away party and everyone is normal and then as soon as he leaves rivers goes beserk and is like OK EVERYONE CLEAN UP NOW. MIKEY FIX THE HOLE

-scott never comes in because he keeps calling in with more and more outlandish reasons why he csnt come in and one day hes like My wife got shot and ric is like Okay im calling bullshit but thats the one story of his he can verifiably back up. his wife got shot

-jason is an ex employee whos not even on the payroll anymore but when matt doesnt feel like going to work rivers texts jason and is like Jjason pleasse i dont want to look at brian today.and then they also end up kicking pat out of the back to make out crazystyle even though jason has a gf

-the au comes to its logical conclusion when one day brian tries to get behind the counter to "show" rivers how to make his coffee and he falls in the hole and fucking dies. and hes the only customer so they have to close now. but before that mikey also falls in the hole and rivers is like Ohhh nooo where did mikey go so he calls matt to see if he wants to come back to the shop and matt is like I can hear mikey on your end of the line hes fine just pull him out of the hole and mikeys like Yyeah im.fine rivrs can you pull me upplease and rivers is like Noooo i think hes dead

[obsidianpen]

ello ello ello

okay so bout the assassination theories in NG: it just feels right, you know? if feels like it NEEDS to a be a plot point at some point, although it might not be in the form of public hate and assassination attempts exactly, but rather harry getting hurt by someone/something else.

Examples that are running around in my head: 1- Assassination attempt: it would take a lot of building up to get there, since the public doesn't really hate harry per say, they are confused and wary right now but soon they are going to come to a decision, now what would that be? hmmmmm wherever it will be, its gonna take a loooooong time for the plot to get there(next year maybe XD)

I think Neville’s Funeral could open up a lot of possibilities for public interactions (even if its not allowed to be public, just his gradmother talking with harry might be a starting point for this huge ass snowball we have here; will she hate harry for what happend to Neville? will she thank him? how will she react aohgoahgiaheoighaoihgi)

also its the fact that its going to be quite difficult to manage that orrrrrrr very… very lucky…

2-Elixir overdose: this one I haven't seen mentioned anywhere else and Im starting to think if its just me whos over over analysing this but hear me out!

Vee didn’t exactly manage to get much details out Nicolas Flamel before he died and his wife is probably dead by now as well. I re-read this so many times but there are no mentions on how long will its effects last? I mean thats gotta be one reason why Vee has made it a point for harry to drink it everyday? (and not a small amount of it either) he doesn't know how one batch of it will last and isn’t willing to risk it. Vee only tested its healing limits on umbitch not how lond its half-life is…

and dont tell me it has a very long half-life, I refuse to believe that fucking pink toad is still immortal. just. NO.

Also I firmly believe that it has got to have some drawbacks, WHICH AGAIN WE DONT KNOW WHAT THEY WILL BE SO AHHHHHHHHHHHH

???- A mixture of the two above?who is browning the elixir?Is there a way for this information to get out and like imagin this scenario: they capture harry, try to kill him, can't so they torture him, meanwhile V is going mad and whezzing like an angry bee(feeling harrys pain though the bond), also is scared since WE DONT KNOW ELIXIRS HALF-LIFE???

3- The ordre of the headless chickens(lmao I love them): this honestly is the one I feel like will happen since it would make way for a lot of other plot points in the future and like with McGonagall joining us as a character very soon, its has to got to be at the very least mentioned.

any ideas? :) love u as always <3

I do have ideas! I’ll share none of them 😉

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Someone liked my post about how Amren should have to drink fae blood and since ive been on a pretty big vampire kick since about october of last year Im just thinking about what if acotar was about vampires. first of all, i think sjm writing vampires would make me very angry, i hear that the way she writes fae makes fae-fans really angry and I can definitely see why even though i dont know THAT much about fae, I just dont have a whole lot of personal investment in the accuracy and interestingness of fae lore, but I am highly invested in vampire lore it would make me pretty mad but I think itd be more fun for me to complain about, so what Im saying is sjm should totally write a book series about vampires

But anyway, lets get back to my initial thought of 'What if ACOTAR but vampires'. honestly, theres not much to get back to because Im basically just rotating some vague aesthetic bullshit in around in my mind. Oh, also I just had a thought, what if Feyre had to experience episode one of the hit-netflix miniseries Dracula (2020). I think she'd kill that old man if im honest. OH wait no, speaking of dracula series

Okay so, imagine this: at some unspecified point in the future, Feyre gets sick and tired of Prythian and leaves, I was gonna say Rhysand died before that but i dont wanna imply that she only left because he died and also I remembered that stupid death bargain existed. So she leaves and she actually goes back to the mortal realm, but she goes to the continent instead of returning to her home village, she wants a completely fresh start and shes like, pretending to be a human too, shes hiding her ears and glamouring herself and whatnot. With her shes brought some faerie lights as well as all of the stuff she needs to make a whole lot more of them, because shes gonna sell faerie lights as this groundbreaking alternative to more traditional light sources. So she rolls up to the scene, this hot mysterious foreign entrepeneur, shes enlisted that mercenary from all the way in the beginning of ACOTAR to help her in her endevour, and shes got all these suits who have a vested interest in maintaining a monopoly on light sources so theyre doing everything they can to prevent her from getting faerie lights of the ground, but Feyre simply keeps evading them. At some point she aquires a boytoy with whom she does not have any kind of sexual or romantic relationship with its exclusively professional and for the sake of her faerie light business, Feyre ends up seducing her boytoys fiancee and just absolutely destroys her marriage. Thats when those light source suits come back in, they have still been trying to bring Feyre down while shes been busy seducing but now theyre back at the foreground, and they approach the boygoy being like "hey, we heard that mysterious weirdo stole ya girl. Well, shes in danger of stealing our profits as well so how about you sabotage her and destroy her business and life" maybe they would mention something about her being a dangerous fae as well but idk, theyre like capitalists so Im not expecting them to care that much about the danger. But whatever, boytoy says "sure I'll do that" and he goes over to this big warehouse/factory type building where they make/store all the faerie lights. Feyre is about to give this big show where she properly shows the public how the faerie lights work and how you can replace normal lamps with them, this has been planned for months now and theyre storing all these lights in one place. So boytoy goes to where they store all the lights and he fucks with them a little, and then Feyre goes up on like a stage in front of am audience holding a faerie light and shes giving this presentation on how they work and whatnot, but as she goes on she notices that theres something very wrong and she realizes that all the faerie lights are about to EXPLODE OH NO so she tells everyone to run away, get out of town as quickly as possible, but its too late; she just barely manages to save her girlfriend/boytoys fiancee but everyone else dies in this massive explosion that just completely destroy a good chunk of the town. And then Feyre and her new gf have sex in the rubble, i think? Idk, and then after that they decide to travel a bit and live a quiet life and maybe try the whole entrepeneur thing somewhere far away from the town that feyre just exploded

and thats my pitch for an acotar au based on the hit tv show Dracula (2012)

[paiges-1vur]

welcome to the party… as always enjoy loves <3 (pt. 2/4)

Friday 9:32 pm

It’s not long before the door opens up revealing a smiling girl. This must be Azzi, Rileys friend.

“Hi ry!” the girl says in a high pitched voice, “I haven’t seen you in so long we need to catch up.”

I see Riley smile and give her a quick hug before introducing me. I flash a quick nervous smile and tell her it was nice to finally meet her.

As we walk inside we meet 3 other girls. Then it hits me. Fuck. How could i be so stupid? I forgot Azzi was on the women’s basketball team. I walk in and try to suppress my anxiety as i face her 3 teammates.

Right as soon as i look to Riley for some stability, i notice her and Azzi have gone off somewhere else, probably to catch up.

The three girls are all occupied on their own, but one of them comes up to me as soon as she sees im uncomfortable.

“Hi your Ana, Rileys friend right! My names Nika and its really nice to meet you.” How could i be scared of this girl who sounded so sweet? I decided to pull myself together and try to have fun tonight.

“Yeah, im her roommate, and its really nice to meet you too!” I reply with a smile as she sips on her drink.

“And may i just say damn girl! you look so hot tonight!” Nika hypes me up and i do a little 360 giggling. As im spinning i see one of the other girls in the corner of my eye. The only girl i knew here. Paige Bueckers. “You know what lets do shots!” Nika is obviously feeling the same energy i am and i love it.

She calls the other girls over and quickly introduces me to kk who i love just as much as Nika. Paige stays quiet and Nika doesn’t say anything about her. She pours 4 shots and i say “Fuck it. Pour me 2” I hope I dont learn to regret this because being 5”1 and 120 pounds doesnt mix well with taking shots.

We all knock them back and i reach for my second one taking it down as quick as the first before making a quick face.

I look up to my right and see Paige looking down at me. Her eyes scan up and down my body as she bites her lip. I blush and look away, and in the corner of my eye i can see her smirking.

Azzi and Riley come back into the kitchen and let us know its time to head out to the bars. We all pack into Azzi’s car which has just enough room to fit us all. As soon as we pull out Azzi says “Shit. Guys is it okay if we pick up my friend real quick she just needs a ride to the bar thats all.” We all nod in understanding because we don’t mind.

As soon as her friend walks out of her building Azzi says “Okay theres not enough room so Ana since your the smallest your going to have to sit on Paiges lap. Is that okay?”

My mouth goes dry. i somehow manage a “Yeah thats fine.” As i move over to Paiges side of the car and sit on her lap. I immediately feel her staring at me. I turn my head to look at her, and her pupils are dilated and her eyes an icy blue. I feel her staring at my top again and this time i decide to be bold.

“You like what you see?” I whispered looking at her through my eyelashes and twirling my hair in my finger, biting my lip ever so slightly.

I can see her demeanor instantly change. She grins and comes down to my ear “I would like to see what you look like under it more.” I gulp and turn my head to the window trying to hide how wet that just made me.

I cant help from getting uncomfortable on Paiges lap in my mini skirt and have to keep moving my position on her lap. All of a sudden i feel two big hands on my hips. I look up at her as she licks her lips.

“Don’t start something you cant finish.” This immediately stops me from moving until the rest of the car ride, but Paiges hands linger on my hips for the rest of the ride.

————————

We all walk into the bar quickly flashing the bouncer our ids. Nika told me that tonight was going to be really fun especially because Paige knows the owner of the bar so we can do basically whatever we want.

We all sit down at a table and Im already feeling tipsy (but thats also coming from the girl who blacked out after 5 shots once..) “Who wants to get more shots!” I half scream at the girls smiling ear to ear.

They all laugh as Paige gets up and goes to the bar to order us two rounds. We are celebrating tonight. Once she got back we immediately downed the next two rounds and i decided i wanted to dance. I grabbed Nika by the hand laughing and dragged her to the dance floor.

She was surprisingly a good dancer and we danced with each other to the music that was blasting from the speakers. I started to grind on Nika as she hyped me up. I had my back faced to her as i moved up and down her body before turning around and putting my hands on her chest laughing because people had started to cheer us on.

I look over and see Paige staring at me moving on Nika, her hold so tight on her drink it could shatter at any moment. She stares me down in jealousy, and shit was it hot.

As the night went on I talked to all the girls and they were all super nice and i wanted to get to know them.

We started talking about basketball and when i asked who’s the best everyone turned to Paige. She bragged about how good she was for about 10 minutes.

She flexed and looked at me, “These don’t just come in overnight.” Everyone at the table laughed. My jaw dropped and the Paige looked over at me and winked. I mean i knew she was jacked. She had toned arms, smooth abs, and a killer back. NOT that i had ever looked that up on youtube.

I decide to distract myself from the growing need to touch Paige.

“GUYS!” I say ten volumes louder than i should have, “Guys lets lets play truth or dare right now i want to play now.” Everybody laughs and agrees as we sip our drinks.

The game is going well until its Paiges turn to ask me.

“Ana truth or dare.” She says flashing me her signature smirk. I try not to melt under her gaze. I know shes looking at my tits, but i don’t care. I want her to.

“Dare.” I say drunkenly, ready for whatever shes about to throw my way.

She laughs, “Lets do body shots.”

“W-what” I mumble, my brain suddenly slowing everything down.

“You heard me.” She gets up from the table and walks over to the bar. I look around at the other girls at the table and they all are smiling and trying to hide their laughs. Im just about to ask what the fuck i got myself into but then i hear something coming from the speakers.

“No fucking way.” I say. Azzi is trying to hide her laughing under a napkin. Pony by Ginuine starts blasting in the bar as i see Paige whisper something into the bartenders ear with a grin on her face. The girls at the table are absolutely losing it. Suddenly the bartender speaks into a microphone.

“Everyone we have a little something special for you all tonight. We have my good friend Paige and her new friend Ana are going to do body shots so lets give them all a warm welcome!”

People are whistling and cheering, eating up this little act.

“Come on up Ana!” The bartender looks over to my table and waves me over to the bar. I get up from my seat slowly walking to the bar, as Paige offers me her hand to get on top of it. I look at her with a “what the fuck.” look and she only laughs in response.

I lie down on the bar feeling very underdressed. As the music plays I decide to let go and let myself be happy. I can’t live life always worrying about the what ifs right?

I let myself feel free and the music blasting in my ears makes me anticipate whats going to happen. The bartender pours the shot and puts it down next to my head. She then pours the line of salt across my chest, which I’m sure was per Paiges request.

“Here you go hun.” The bartender hands me the lime to put in my mouth as she flashes me a wink. “Everybody lets hear it one more time for Paige!” The crowd erupts people clapping, screaming, and whistling. I see Nika holding her phone up recording this all, but to be honest, i don’t fucking care. Im too drunk to worry about the little things.

As im ready for Paige to initiate it i see her move. She climbs up on the bar and straddles my stomach, playing into this little act. Everyone is screaming clearly eating it up. i look up at her trying not to moan at just the sight of her on top of me. Fuck i need some sort of friction.

She leans down and grabs both of my wrists, and i let her take full control. She pins them above my head and smiles before scanning over my upper body one more time and whistling to the crowd.

I close my eyes before hearing Paige by my ear whisper “Open your eyes baby. I want you to see my face when i do this to you” I flutter my big brown eyes open staring at her in awe. “Good girl.” she says before returning to the act.

She leans down putting her free hand on my upper stomach as she licks the line of salt from my exposed chest. My back arches in response to her tongue and shit it feels so good. She then grabs the shot and downs it before coming down to my face and gabbing the lime from my mouth.

Still straddling me she sits up and tilts her head back with the lime in her mouth. The bar is packed full of students all screaming and cheering. The girls over at our table are still recording and cheering for Paige and I.

Im so drunk at this point that im stumbling back to the booth, and im fully leaning on Paige in the corner of the booth, sort of behind me. The girls whistle and Nika tells me how sexy that was. I giggle and lean back into Paige more, sitting in between her legs. The girls start to talk about something else, probably basketball before i feel a big cold hand sneak up my skirt on the inside of my thigh.

——————————

[cogbreath]

ngl even tho i had faith in both you and allah that whatever you had done would not be the end of you i WAS worried still so yeah like everyone else is saying i'm also rly glad that you're recovering. congrats on surviving life's bullshit yet again my friend. may the next one maybe be less painful tho bc that did/does not sound like a fun time

jazakallah khair ❤️

and i do wanna apologise for worrying you guys. we all do know that i didnt mean to but i do understand how even when we r aware of that, it can still hurt and be scary to see someone u care about end up in a situation like that and it can be confusing and frustrating cuz of the fact its so clearly not a good thing to do to oneself. but im rlly rlly thankful that despite all that you guys have it in your hearts to be so so gentle and kind to me which seriously means the world to me

im not entirely sure how bad my situation really was, because it's honestly difficult for me to remember how much i actually ended up drinking, my memory is rlly blurry about it but i do know that i did pass out for a while. i wasn't exactly worried at first that i felt that i needed to puke and legit was shocked when i started seeinf it turning red n shit. i wanfed to believe that somehow it was just something i ate that was also red but when i started tasting the taste of iron i Knew. because it seemed to be becoming more and more bloody i was like. "o fuck." i was still aware of ans believing in the resilience of the human body, reminding myself that people have literally survived getting hit with a particle beam in the head, but nonetheless it doesnt change the fact that vomiting blood is something associated with fatal outcomes. i guess honestly it really doesn't matter either way what the true severity of it was and i shouldn't trouble myself too much about trying to figure it out because no matter what, it was a dangerous and bad situation to be in. also im not detailing more now about what happened so as to be shocking or graphic but like i just want to be honest about it so i can help process it and help u guys have more clarity on what happened now that im not as delirious and panicked as i was when it all went down

i wasnt scared to die and honestly no matter what never will be because of the way my brain is wired about the concept of death, but what i was most scared of was that ppl i care about and that allah would be mad at me. so it helps a lot to have that affirmed that nobodys mad at me and nobody thinks that i'm stupid or had it coming

sorry if this is more than u expected as a response, but you guys are some of the only people i can feel comfortable being truly deeply honest with. i dont ever intend to trouble you with things that arent your job to manage and i dont intend to freak people out. but maybe thats not nice to assume thats what anyone is thinking. ily

[thetiredassistant]

[from @oriongarcia]

[ collar ] sender smooths out receiver's collar

prompts for comfortable intimacy

Jordyn did not expect to end up here, not in a place like this. Was it even possible? Never believed in things like that, even if he was a writer-- a shitty one at best. Was studying to be one, anyways. Thats why he was working for Orion. Jordyn was able to go to a good college, have his own apartment, and still have money to spend because shit his paychecks were well. All he had to do was be an errand boy for the boss' son. Which was not an easy task.

Which was why, only for a moment, Jordyn was a little relieved to be in this new world. Although yes, you had to play terrifying death games so you could keep surviving but.. it wasn't work. So Lose.. Win??

He shouldn't have celebrated, because once he found the beach, low and behold was his Boss. Okay yes. There was just a tiny little part of Jordyn that was thankful he was here. Orion was a sense of familiarity. He was in a foreign place, so of course something familiar was comfort to him. But then again, it was Orion. The rest of him was filled with dread because he knew that now he had to make sure neither of them died, because if they did manage to make it back home, he wouldn't have a job. Which meant bye bye college and beautiful apartment.

Trying to look on the brighter side, at least now he didn't have to juggle college, rent, and his job. Now, all he had to do was keep him and Orion alive! great! And do whatever he was asked. At least Jordyn had his coffee still, thank fuck.

This night though, Jordyn only had to worry about himself during the game. Clubs game, nothin to difficult. He was used to working with others, having to do so usually in class. Although he did get a little scuffed up. He was still in his outfit that he came here in. Tan button up shirt under a orange sleeveless sweatervest. Which now, it was tattered. Bummer. One of the nice things he owned from his own money.

Hearing his last name being called out, Jordyn already knew who it was. He looked up to see Orion half jogging up to him, drink in hand. "Wow, you look like shit." Was the first thing that he said to him, and Jordyn resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "I managed to beat the game, I didn't really care about how I looked during it." He said, and Orion snorts slightly. "You should. You're basically a apart of my image, You have to look good if im going to look good." He said, reaching out and fixing the collar of Jordyn's shirt, doing a little bit of good and smoothing it out.

Staring down at his boss in a little bit of surprise, this time he resisted the urge to call out the action. Instead he just sighed, "Alright I'll.. I'll keep that in mind. Looks before the lives of others, got it"

@oriongarcia

[moodr1ng]

re last post while im being chatty (sleeping pills do that to me): i have a kinda strange relationship w my knuckle tattoos. when i was 17 i was in a pretty rough spot in life. though i wasnt in The Absolute Worst Years, things werent going great on pretty much any front. i was failing out of school at the time, i saw no future for myself, i felt like i had fucked up all my options beyond any redemption. i lived in a "bad neighborhood", in a social housing apartment where i shared the one bedroom with my sister and my mom slept in the living room. i had like, two irl friends and one of those friendships was quite toxic and codependent. my mental health was abysmal and my parents were at the end of their rope with what to do with me. nobody even believed id manage to graduate high school anymore. i had no money except what i could glean from art commissions on tumblr and whatnot. i was perpetually broke and so were my friends (we shoplifted quite a bit at that time). i always knew my mom and i didnt exactly have much money but i was really feeling it then, and more than that, i felt like this prophecy was hanging over my head, that i would too end up like my parents: an underpaid worker in a shit job with seemingly no upsides or ways to move forward.

yet i had an inkling that one day i might get out of this; that i might one day escape this and 'rise above my station', 'make it' in some way. i pictured myself as someone who did make it: an older version of me, who i pictured very clean-cut and acceptable-looking, maybe wearing a suit or something. i hated that version of me; the sellout. i looked at that future me and thought: dont you dare forget about me. dont you dare forget about all of us here - not just my family but everyone i loved, and the people in the same neighborhoods and the same situation. i guess it was a moment of class awareness and solidarity. i thought: ill never let myself become a clean-cut, law-abiding, middle class sycophant who looks down on people like me.

so i got commission money for the cheapest tattoo machine i could get, some $50 crappy machine i got off ebay that came with needles and inks, and i sat at my kitchen table one afternoon with an internet friend on a skype call and tattooed my own knuckles - right hand tattooed with the left hand and all. i chose "DIRT POOR". i thought: there. not only can i see it, everyone can. i can rise up as much as i can in the world. but there will always be this neon sign on my hand that says: i came from here.

and i stuck with that for a very long time. i loved those tattoos. when i stopped loving them (because theyre kinda ugly, and i dont like explaining them to people, etc) i still loved the meaning behind them.

but then i actually 'made it'. i mean, not really. i didnt truly make it. i dont have a job, my main income is disability benefits, but im blessed that i also have my etsy shop and a roommate who helps with rent and a very cheap apartment, all of which means i have an income thats almost minimum wage and benefit from a lot of government aid, and through that ive set aside sizeable savings. i dont have to worry about paying for my food or home or clothes or other necessities, and i can go for drinks with friends or order takeout or buy myself little eccentricities just because i want to. i certainly didnt turn out clean-cut and proper in a suit, but i got to a place that 17 year old tattooing himself on a dirty kitchen table thought hed never get to.

and now that im here the tattoos feel.. silly. shameful. the people who ask me about them are most often panhandlers - and when i translate what it means to them i feel like such a poser. like, dirt poor? really? but im not dirt poor. im doing fine. if i dont get into the extensive backstory of the tattoos every time, i just.. look like someone trying to look rougher than i am. i feel like im appropriating a struggle that is no longer mine. and i dont even like the tattoos anymore and havent for a long time, and now the message itself doesnt feel worth having them.

like id forget where i come from if i didnt have it etched in my hands? like i even needed that reminder anyway? in the end, i got these because i didnt trust myself - because i thought my class solidarity was disingenuous, opportunistic, based only in my current circumstances. but ill never forget how i grew up. the message is already in me. i never needed a reminder. my past will always be a part of me.

so, anyway, ive been thinking of getting the tattoos lasered off. im far from being sure i wanna do it, though almost only because of the price, but ive been considering it often. i still feel a bit like its a betrayal of my 17 yo self. but then again, i think if he saw me now, 10 years older and in the position im in now, hed probably get it. hed see i havent really changed, not in the important ways. i think in the same way i need to forgive my past selves, maybe they too need to forgive me for moving on from them. so i really might get the laser, if not soon, then someday.

if i do, ill still have other hand and finger tattoos, so it wouldnt change much if i get new knuckle ones. if that does come to pass - im thinking "GOOD LUCK" this time.

[powderrblue]

mutual canonically-a-genloser tell me all of your randy delusions right now (threat)

ohhhh theres so fucking many this is gonna take me a bit IMMA START WITH AUS

i have multiple of the aforementioned universes in my brain and mostly the only differences between these aus are the amount of children that him and henrik adopted and took from showfall, and sometimes that changes up the timeline in which things happen

i don't have one where it's just sneeg and charlie throughout the entire story even though i Should and it is absolutely something to consider

there is one with rgb and in this one he marries henrik in showfall and charlie and sneeg are the only ones there for the wedding. (the wedding is to me a Canon Event. this is spiderman) now this one has two possible endings that i have considered. either A) randy (and potentially henrik) die hours later and randy later saves ranboo after the box when charlie and sneeg are trying to escape with them or B) randy is revived unbeknownst to charlie and sneeg but they don't find out until after they've been out of showfall for years and randy escapes and finds them

now i have another one where randy and henrik have all five kids (rgb, niki, and hetch) and it's the version of the wedding i described where hetch officiates it but it's not quite as central of a plot point in this one. randy still dies but is reset and hetch, charlie, and sneeg dont know. but in this one they all escape during the end of generation 1. all the show up to the box happens, and randy and henrik manage to save all five and just leave. this one is probably my favorite because of all the dynamics and it's so fun to think about. i could go on and on about how they would all be so fucked up but still so so codependent and despite hating each other sometimes they still care about each other because they're quite literally the only ones in the world who can understand each other and they are so aware of that it makes me crazy and also i just love love love randy being the best girl dad (<- this one is the Fucked Up Showfall version of the delulu cabin au)

okay so moving on from au paragraphs, one thing about randy and ranboo interactions. to me at first he is genuinely pissed at them even though he knows he shouldn't be because they were not in control when they killed his kids. but it's the days when charlie and sneeg hate him for letting them die and watching niki be the only one willing to comfort him is when he starts changing his mind. and then one night ranboo comes up and apologizes to randy for what happened in gen 1 because they know hes upset at them for it and thats when it hits randy like "oh yeah okay im actually Emotionally Attached to this kid now"

also on a more silly note. we've recently brought up henrik being a hairdresser. he probably knows how to do makeup and nails too. i will bet you he taught randy how to paint someone's nails really well and he would do it with niki and ranboo. sometimes charlie and sneeg would probably join in too i think. hetch Might. if there were black

also this has been bouncing around in my brain for a couple of days but sometimes i imagine what if randy could play like four songs on the guitar. he barely knows anything outside of these songs but if someone genuinely asks him to play for them he will. and just imagining these seven people who just escaped showfall and they're in a shitty rv and huddled together because the windows dont close and just. falling asleep to it. im insane sorry

also to me randy drinks insane amounts of coffee. like Insane. its probably the reason hes so anxious half the time (i am Choosing to ignore showfall)

[athene-studies]

k havin some trouble keeping out of The Ennui this past while and i realized i had 7 core values listed on my blog (listed on the little explore thing on my desktop theme as "live life on purpose • step off the path of least resistance • take care of myself • contribute to the community • get things done • always learn • appreciate beauty") sooo score thats a weekly challenge right there.

im just gonna start tomorrow (its the night of the 5th as i post this) since im lucky and my week isnt bounded by things like "weekdays". lets do them in order!

6. Tue - live life on purpose: to keep myself mindful I'm going to write down what I've done after every half hour of my day, plus im gonna plan out a couple things at certain points of the day and attempt to stick to those plans 7. Wed - dont get dragged back into my comfort zone: i do have a dentist appointment that day, but im going to also go to the library while im out, which ive been trying to do for a while but just never felt right. im going to wear a cute but maybe a bit weird outfit, and whenever i have an urge to do something (i should go read, i should cut up and eat an apple), im going to do it instead of succumbing to the Nah. ...also this isnt relevant to the daily challenge but i do need to pick up a prescription so im going to try to remember that 8. Thur - take care of myself: im going to try to do all of my self-care habits ive set up. most of them i do once in a while, but i havent managed to do all of them at once in a few weeks. so that means doing my workout, brushing my teeth, turning my phone off at 1 and reading instead for bedtime, making sure my laundry is put away... etc. this one's only a small part of the day but i guess that means its a good chance to rest lol 9. Fri - help others: its a terrible time of year to do things like volunteering, plus short notice, so im going to focus on chores around the house and donations and home political action, that sort of thing. maybe text my siblings to find out how theyre doing. 10. Sat - get shit done: i mean what else is there to say. at the beginning of my day im going to write down a list of things to get done (attempting to include things that are low on my priority list so just keep repeatedly getting pushed back, like calling my grandpa and working on a video edit) and see how much of it i can do. the slogan for the day is gonna be "if i think to myself 'yknow i could go do this thing' i fucking will" 11. Sun - learn: hopefully the rest of the week will have caught me up on my accounting course, but if not, id like to do that. after that, though, id like to set aside some time to read articles on things i care about but dont know much about, and do a lesson or two of language learning or coding or something. learning at my own pace isnt going very well so far considering "my own pace" is ✨stagnancy✨ 12. Mon - appreciate the world: not much else to note other than looking around myself more often. im pretty good at this one already. lets use it to mean "do hobbies"-- take an hour to do some writing, take an hour to do some music, drink a tea ive been keeping aside for a special occasion, idk

and i will let you know how that goes :)

[beabco]

soju

Well, alas. I am back.

Drinking a bottle of raw soju. I'm a little bit woozy right know, but, i'm doing my best to make this grammatically correct.

It has been almost a year since my last entry. A lot of things has happened. I can feel my heart beat in my back.

So, i'm hurt. maybe a little bit. but not that much. my soju made it a little numb.

Im dating this guy. I started dating him after a few weeks my mom died. Probably i felt lonely at the time thats why i went bezzerk mode on tinder. He's just within the province i am in. so, i thought its convenient. Especially it was the time i was still practicing how to drive.

Anyway, fastforward to 10 months, were now living together and trying to manage a barely working business together. my family and his family know us. So, lets say we're in the stage where we're almost getting married.

Im in a stressful situation right now where everyday gives me anxiety. see, the thing is, we've been living together for 7 months. of course, a lot of fucking has been happening. I haven't had my period since new years eve. So, my period is late for 2 months. That why im drinking despite being sober for 2 years.

I took 4 pregnancy tests in different weeks, all came back negative. but right now, im feeling things in my body that are a little different. i still havent confirmed if i am pregnant, mainly because part of me is scared to know, but i also currently dont have the means to do so.

Last week, March 15, he has to go home because my aunt is going here and she needs a place to stay during the time. I only was able to talk to him throught video chat and got curious why he's always pre occupied with his phone.

for context, i have access to his account, i just dont check it as i was confident that he wasnt doing anything that i would like. i just like the feeling that i have access to it as it gives me confidence that he's loyal

anyway, one day, all of a sudden, i got curious who he was talking to, i took a peek on his messanger and saw that it was just his friends. no biggie. then, i saw that he added a new girl outside our province. I got curious at the time who it was. It didnt have any conversation or any connection.

I checked his activity log and found that, in the past 2 days that he was away, he was adding a bunch of women that he doesnt know. mind you, these women are promiscuous. I dont think theres anything wrong with women being confident. Im just not comfortable with my partner subscribing to this.

My initial reaction wasn't jealousy. Honestly, i love this women for being empowering. But more of, disappointment and insecurity. I got disappointed because, i thought that this was something that he doesnt care of. I also got insecure because due to the my worrying that I might be pregnant made me block his initiations to make love because i wanted to go to the obgyn and confirm before i do so. `I felt like I no longer satisfy him.

I asked myself, is this something i would have to confront? Or should i let it slide and switch things up a bit? I figured I wasnt going to confront him when he gets home then just do what those women do just to get back at him.

Although, plan didnt work. I wasnt able to greet him the same way I used to do so he figured that somethings wrong. I couldnt mask myself. So, i told him what was wrong. At first he tried to deny it but, when he lost all opportunities to save himself, he decided to apologize and undo all those things.

I told him the things that i was feeling of that action and he acknowledged. I told him that I felt insecure and embarrassed that he's one of those guys who grabs attention to women despite being in a relationship. One of the type people i despise.

He cancelled all of the requests he could find and was very remorseful at the time. I forgave him right away.

A week has passed, I was on shift with the shop because my friends werent available at the time. I asked my partner if he can cover nightshift for me because I woke up too early.

When I was done with my shift and was about to sleep, facebook rang on his computer. I checked who it was, it was his friend. I was about to go back to sleep then I saw that a friend request was accepted 12 hours ago. Checked her profile and it was still one of the same type of girl he mass added. I checked her profile and saw her posts were provocative but also almost every post was liked by my partner. Even the post from 2 days ago.

I got pissed thinking that he already got the idea what I meant last week and thinking that him being remorseful was just an act. I noticed that he also liked her latest posts on instagram despite not being active in there.

We got in a fight but this time, he stood his ground that he didnt cheat (only emotional cheating) and that he never had a conversation with the girl.

Now we're in the present. Where i'm drinking soju because of this shit. He decided to go silent then sleep. I'm in a head space right know where I'm trying to prepare myself for a break up.

I don't want someone who I have to teach them how to respect me. I dont want someone whos going to gaslight me everytime i bring up something that I want to talk about. I dont want to have a baby whose already childish enough and not know how to compromise and be compassionate.

I'm drinking right now because i'm pissed and i'm also scared.

I don't know whats going to happen next. So far, I'm rebuilding my wall in case something does happen.