#I think im doing the artist thing wrong
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That guy in his twenties who tried to flirt with me at that party one time is getting into those AI art generators - and i dont know about anyone else but my insta feed is putting that shit on the TOP like i have seen more AI art than my close friends posts -_-
ANYWAY this guy's aI thing was extremely pretty, like ridiculously unusually so, it had me scrolling through a few other photos in his page. And i had a weird moment when i realized he is in fact an actor, and also very good looking (my type? Abundant curly hair? Big eyes? I dont think i have a type), and there is a chance that if i hadnt met him and had just seen him in a movie or something he might be the kind of person who'd be the next drawing phase. Los angeles is weird.
well, no, IM weird. I dont draw people i know and i dont want to meet the people i draw \o/ (with the exception of hiker boy)
#Journal shit#Its also just like LOL here i am being flirted with and i dont even notice the guys good looking till after the fact#I really wasnt interested#Am still not interested#But thats my problem unless i get to know someone theyre just blank in my mind#Also if a person isnt funny or clever its...yeah no its not happening LOL am i too mean? Is this why i never date?#This post is less about the guy who seemed genuinely sweet and im sure has unfollowed me already#And more about the fact that i dont know why i dont want to draw people in real life or have anybody see the drawings i do of them#I think im doing the artist thing wrong#I guess it could be worse i could still be in my drawing only cartoon cats and fir trees phase of my teen years
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i want to explain my mental illnesses to robin and have him like nod and grunt along while i talk and then hum really sagely and give some beautiful touching life advice like "brain not bad just.. different. I've seen a lot of people. we all different. world would be big boring if everyone was the same. you just better at some things and worse at other things. that why we all work together, help each other. sometimes you fight mammoth and sometimes you stay in cave with babies. it all come out in the wash."
#yknow what i mean#anyway im doing normal.#that pikmin tandori song thing but its me getting through the day thinking about robin#bbc ghosts#and then you explain the same thing to pat#and he's like 'ah yeah course there's nothing wrong with it'#'we once had a boy- peter his name was- stuck a whole pack of gum up his nose one piece at a time'#'an absolute nightmare that was- had a right awful time in accident and emergency that night-'#'but anyway-' and just tell like crazy stories about people in his life being nd. and like 'still loved him at the end of the day'#'and he was the best artist I'd ever seen- I'm telling you he'd be painting with mud on the tarpaulin like bloody euclid'#and robin's like 'you mean michaelangelo'
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i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo
#ganondoodles talks#also probably sounds like self pity#but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist#i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think#but the internet never gets to see that much of me#i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere#so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing#i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out#i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with#i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong#im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh#it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again#sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with-#-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it#doesnt sound like a good excuse#... i want to thank those that do stick with me#even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise#there are little things that still make me angry at myself#like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing#and i got two#and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop#i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late#i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom#no matter how much i enjoy the ask#and i love getting asks!!!#im sorry :((
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i think chappell roan enforcing her boundaries to creepo parasocial fans is so fucking awesome and based and she should be allowed to do whatever she wants forever
#seriously i never see artists (regardless of what type of art) enforcing these boundaries and making people listen#also ive just become aware people are mad at her for not getting involved in political stuff???#hey i think perhaps people should form their own opinions and not base their life choices on what a celebrity they dont even know says?#its not like celebrities are your trusted royal advisors man go think about it yourself.#i was going to say “if taylor swift told you to vote for a specific person would you listen” but thats a bad example isnt it#i think swifties just do whatever she says man#i think a lot of people really need to perhaps consider looking into what THEY THEMSELVES think of political candidates#and form their OWN opinions through research if theyre not sure on who to vote for#and not just immediately look to a random celebrity or public figure for what to do#has anybody considered like this isnt celebrities' business????#youre not at fucking daycare or highschool its not their responsibility to show you how to use critical thinking or form opinions#these arent your family members. these arent your friends. theyre just people a lot of people know about.#seriously man...i plan on attaining some fame from my projects eventually. its not gonna be my job to do that anymore than any other artist#my job is to draw furries not kiss the fans and tell them what to think. thats not my business.#even if i disagree with someone's views its still not my business my business is drawing furries.#theres a difference between using your platform to talk about issues and literally fucking telling people how to vote.#basing all your life choices on what celebrities think is gonna get you in a deep fuckin hole and do you no good. look at things 4 yourself#Sorry im kind of ranting here. am i sorry actually? no i think this needs to be said and im sayign it#and im not basing that on what popular figures think either! im basing that on what i think! which is what more people should do!#why dont we look at this from the perspective of like...streamers instead. cause people are weird towards streamers too#if i were to go up to a streamer or youtuber and ask them who to vote for#if i went up to fucking markiplier or vinny vinesauce and asked one of them who to vote for you'd all think i was deranged.#celebrities can also be wrong about shit!!! or be shit people!!! this is not me attacking anyone here!!#please consider the fact they are literally just people and theyre not some all seeing omnipotent god figures#you could go and ask nicki minaj who to vote for. or doja cat. you could just as well go and ask your boss who to vote for. or a neighbor!#and either way you dont need to base your life choices based on what that person says!#you still need to think for yourself!#but i think if youre gonna ask someone who to vote for it should be someone you know personally. not a pop star. not a gamer. not an artist#if youre gonna base your opinions on that of other people base it on the opinions of people you trust. people who know you.#people who are really there for you.
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suzying feat. Sue and Sanna (suzys weird parallel cousins)
#kirbyliker12png#susie haltmann#susanna patrya haltmann#susie kirby#parallel susie#president parallel susie#claiming myself as the number one para suzies artist. im not the number one para suzies fan theyre WEIRD CREATURES#im confident that im the only person who remembers they exist though#also aheemhemahhhahahahaahayeah chinese suzy u mm yeah AHGGHHHHH#for some reason making headcanons is really really hard 4 me because i just feel awful and wrong EVEN THOUGH I REALLY LIKE IT#I DONT KNOW WHYYY when i see someone elses hcs i think that theyre so right and its such a fun thing to do#but when i do it i feel like im being way too vulnerable and cringe and AGHHGAGGGGHHHhopefully this feeling will subside
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i think i started getting into vkei at the perfect time bc wdym nightmare is coming to finland and i know about it
#im so excited!!!#the last time there was an artist coming here from abroad i really wanted to see was back when 1D was a thing#and they didnt even have zayn at that point#anyways im so excited ahh#oh and dont get me wrong i have seen artists who came to finland from abroad that i wanted to see but i mean like#those have been something like my bestie going ''do u want to come watch clan of xymox / she past away / etc. with me'' which. ofc i did!#and i wanted to see those artists but they werent like something i would have gone to see alone yknow?#but this is something im personally into#am i making any sense#doesnt matter im excited#leevi talks#by the perfect time i mean like. this year#i liked like two bands for a long time but i never wanted to listen to more bc i had a mental block about#letting myself enjoy things that have subcultures bc what if everyone thinks im a poser despite me not posing as anything#then this year i was like hm. fuck it. ill listen to what i like. and then i got rabbitholed into getting more and more into vkei#which is fun! theres a ton of cool artists within that scene
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it is that one yeah </33 I /will/ be using that as my excuse from now on for that one so it makes more sense in regards to the ""story"" loll, thanks im stealing that ^_^ In hindsight it doesnt really make sense but for our sake ill chalk it up to him being kinda weird sometimes, "weird" in this case being paranoid.
#I would reblog it from this person and add tags but yk what i kinda hate that one and i dont want to look at it / have it on my blog at the#top w the recents just cause its old#dude stuff from even a month ago i notice all the mistakes and things i did wrong#which isnt necessarily a bad thing because that means im improving#but it sucks because eough i cant look at some of the older stuff because as an artist sometimes i be a little self crititcal#and i see how bad it was in comparison to what i think now#but you know what#that was the whole point of the askbox. to get better.#artistically and writing wise#in general and for spamton specifically#so its doing its job. theres an audience for a reason!#tag rambling !! !!
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OKAY RANT ON VIVZIEPOP SCROLL PAST IF YOU DONT CARE
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I like Viv as an artist, shes inspired me since frickin middleschool with her animations, character designs, and now 2 shows holy crap. I just really wish she'd get off social media for her own mental health cuz good god it's not great to see a whole thread of tweets arguing with someone about the dislike of fanfiction having homophobic undertones its just... agdhdh Viv is a pretty controversial person due to unfortunate past events and having shows that present some darker subject matter. Honestly? I want to see Viv not just move past the previous controversy, but learn from it to be better. Its totally fair tho if you think the handling of certain topics arent done well, there are things people will have preference over. And I dont give a fuck about shipping, I dont wanna see it, frankly. If you're doin somethin shady with it and I see it I'm certainly not going to like it and I'll do my best to not interact with you, but I think we should make tagging things just a common thing? Keeps things organized and people can intake what they want while the stuff they dont want is not being shown to them. Same goes with headcanons they're someone imagining something, they arent holding the creators hostage to make it canon. Canon is silly anyways! Both the OG and a headcanon can exist because AUs and headcanons are just another version of the thing. Headcanons arent going to change the episodes, they'll still be the same way the creators made it. So like... chill.
Just as long as it has no mental or physical negative implications or intent against actual living people I will add.
Dont harrass actors because they play a villian you need to separate fiction and reality it's literally their job to pretend to be someone else.
#vivziepop#vivzipop critical#hazbin hotel#helluva boss#it sucks to see someone i looked up to seemingly keep stirring the controversy pot#the shows arent for everyone#things arent always going to be appealing to everyone and thats ok#i think viv needs to let go the fact some people do not like her or her shows instead of fighting people for a whole thread#im embarrassed to say im a fan of these shows???#and dont get me wrong i think they kinda suck sometimes and the writing inconsistancy makes me so so frustrated#but there are a few moments where i really feel connected to their struggles#loneliness and a fear of rejection are something i empathize with a lot#im frustrated because of what these shows COULD be#and how happy it makes me to see these shows be enjoyed so much because tbh everything about it is full of things we are told#is bad and weird and cringe and something real proffesionals would never respect#and they made it! it lets me know if im passionate enough people like me can do what we love and still be successful#i hope for many other passion projects from artists in the future who may be inspired by not just Vivzie but the tons of indie stuff out rn#crowmancerx#idk just a rant#i do want to lay out at some point my many issues with the writing of Vivz's shows but ill holdoff on big rants for a bit#agsudvdhdb#its been a rough day at school
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huge loser moment because i'm actually about to cry over a commission that isnt happening
#an artist i've loved for a while opened comms and i really wanna get one for abw#but i'm trying to think of a good concept to comm her of and everything seems too complex/demanding#i'm so embarrassed over her being an oc and not without a clear reference image/board#and i don't want to use her faceclaim cause i think it sounds weird to someone who doesn't rp#it's like i can't just send over one reference board to say 'this is how she looks!' i have to send a few + im worry the artistll be put of#and because its an artist i really like im scared of doing the wrong thing somehow and putting them off me#so i'll never be able to commission them again#i'm so sick of anxiety#who cries over this sort of thing....
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Im offically burnt out on Sonic fandom.
So i guess im...done?? I dunno
#what do i do now#that was my whole internet presence#and being an artist outside of that is pointless because fanart is the only thing that matters online.#you can say im wrong but the results of stuff speak for themselves....#so i guess i just quit?#like being online?#for over a decade#sonic was my whole thing and now im kinda not vibing with it right now#so i guess i just quit the internet until im back into it....?#and this isnt my depression talking im on new meds that work great now#sorry to ppl who follow me for sonic stuff i guess#i still like it but im just not into it anymore i think#not like i was#i think maybe furry fandom is prolly my thing i should try to get back into#will rb later for people who might care
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dysgraphic artiƨts risɘ UP!!!!!
#raise your pencils!!!! and erasers. to fix the backwards letters 😔#sorry still thinking about my weirdness with my art professors. yknow a lot of em have been really pushing us as#students to make our personal identities a major part of like our 'brand' as artists#which. well from an art history major perspective thats a very contentious and nuanced topic. i love a lot of artists who live this way#and i think its great seeing my peers who focus on identity thrive. but also as an fine arts major (double major fool LOL)#i keep getting pushed by teachers into like. specific '____ artist' identities???#specificaly woman artist. which is a little bizarre because im a bit fat and a bit gnc so im generally like. ungendered? in day-to-day life#(which doesnt actually matter to me directly that much honestly LOL people tend to view me as like. buddy? buddy or pal.)#(not man. not woman. not anything human. sometimes i remind people of a beloved dog. which. hkdsahjk thats its own can of worms)#(a can of worms that also doesnt matter much to me directly because im a wannabe furry who chose to be the dog when playing house as a kid)#(LOL so um. well. theres that) but yeah i dunno i dont really consider myself a woman artist. its been. shockingly (and sometimes luckily?)#irrelevant to most of my life and experiences and art (although dont get me wrong misogyny is very real and very present) so i dont#have a whole lot to say about it from an art perspective. you could also call me all kinds of things. a queer artist. a mixed race artist#again technically correct. some aspects more visible in my work than others. but also very technical. i focus on race a lot in in my#art historical work but i dunno how much my drawings have to say. except that i keep making too many mixed ocs LOL#i dunno i just think my professors gotta focus that energy away from tokenizing me and over to supporting like actual#capital W Woman artists capital Q Queer artists capital A Artists of Colour who are doing far more interesting things than I#far more thought out and engaged in these topics directly. i just kind of stumble into my art blindly and confused <3#sorry that was a long tangent WHAT IM SAYING Is despite all that: i do consider myself a capital D Dysgraphic artist#i think its an unmovable constant of my art and the way i draw and the way my hands move. the untrained eye doesnt seem to be as aware#of it directly. but those who are familiar can probably see it. the dysgraphia LOL if not just from whenever i write a letter or number#half of them are busted and frantically fixed HDKJSDJDS but its in all my art. if u can see it <3 ive been trying to embrace it#dygraphic artists raise your pencils indeed!! and throw away the eraser!!! make the legibility of your words everyone elses problem!!!#what does that say? what is that sketch? none of my business! none of your business!! its the business of my hand and the pencil alone#motor skill and spatial issues take the wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
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side note. im just upset now about how it feels like my work is no longer belonging to me. I dont get to choose what it is put into. it is now a comodity for whoever believes that they have a right to my work.
When I work in an art-based industry, what I produce will not be my own. It will be owned by another company who hired me. I could spend hours on it and pour my life force into what I create, but it could be held by the company and not released or released and removed from my ownership.
Now tumblr is the same. now every website is the same. You never have control of what you post forever. You never get to choose what happens to your online work. But now I know that what I post will go directly into the content meatgrinder that is AI technology. I will not get to choose this. I will not get to own my work any more. Even if I opt out, even if thousands of users opt out, not everybody will. Not everybody will know. Not everybody will want to. Not everybody will be bothered.
Theres a difference between individuals reposting my work onto pinterest and an entire blog being fed into AI. Theres a difference between a single human feeding artwork that isnt theirs into AI and an automatic process in which my data, my artwork, my life is being fed into AI. I will never own my own work again unless I keep it directly next to me and never share it.
Im debating pulling all of my work from this website.
#fish talks#Im not sure what to do#I dont want my stuff used I want it to be enjoyed#but how can i enjoy my work being enjoyed by people and websites that i cant trust#i really dont know what to do about this#I think tomorrow Im going to ask someone for their pov#he's always given me good advice on AI debates idk#and I know most of the terms in this will be wrong and thats because I dont know how to phrase the processes of AI#Im not a machine. Dont treat my art as a product. Treat me as a person. as an artist.#dont treat me as something to be sold.#this year hasnt been my most productive year#I dont need likes and reblogs as much as I used to#But I also dont see how I am supposed to grow my 'brand' as someone who dreams of being an online professional if I cant enjoy being online#if i cant trust the websites that i use#idk. this is confusing#much less to mention the friends that i could be losing if i disappear from this website#i dont even want to reblog other peoples art because i dont know how to turn off the thing yet#how will i know if my art has been fed into AI?? How long does that take? How long do i have from when i get the option to turn it off#and when I do turn it off?#agggghhh fuck all of this.#ai#anti ai
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I have chronic "forgetting to respond to someone and when i do remember i think it's too late to respond cuz it might come off as weird so i end up not saying anything ever" disease. Don't think i don't like interacting with yall <:3....
#Im sorry if i come off one sided or something... Im like#'what if i say something wrong and they hate me forever' i think that alot#I have anxiety and i don't want anyone to hate me ever#Also the coolest thing u can do with someone with npd is give them attention. Give me something to talk abt#Give me attention. Haha...........#text#text post#Give ur local artist with npd attention 24/= or else they'll DIE /lhj#Uhm. I hope this doesn't come off as guilt tripping. I just really like attention.#I like when ppl send stuff in my inbox especially... Like omg haiii!!#Especially when someone gives me drawing reqs or asks me questions abt my opinions on something#Or when they ask me questions abt me or my ocs#Tldr: i like attention. Give it to me. Now. Give me attention now now now n /nf
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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I'm glad to hear you're taking good care of yourself. It's not easy! And correct- that was not for the meme. Okay, here's for that: My opinion of you is that you seem to work very hard at honing your art in stylistic and skill-istic ways. I think you understand that your art is good, even when it "could be better," so I worry that you sometimes draw what will attract others because sadly, OC and older/more niche fandom art often fails to get spread around, even when it is drawn with dedication and skill. Of course, I could be wrong about your relationship to fanart- it's just an easy thing for artists to become reliant on the positive affirmation it brings. I've been in that boat and I could merely be projecting. All in all, I think you are a really special and sincere person- and you're pretty btw. Have a good day🐮
#im not allowed to reply but im gonna anyway#i think you're both right and wrong honestly#i am unable to draw things that i dont want to draw so to that point im not just drawing to attract others bc im drawing what im motivated#for in the moment#however i AM more motivated and inspired to draw the things that yield interaction#because i make art to share it with people and to feel a connection with people through art#so through that i do find myself gravitating towards a certain type of (fan)art#but with the screencap studies ive been doing lately ive been going outside my usual circle and im doing it because i am inspired by those#colours compositions use of light etc#the cinematics makes me WANt to capture it in art#meanwhile even the things i draw that i DO in fact know will be received well dont always get traction :' )#i think a lot of artists have a complex relationship to their art and especially fanart!#ive certainly had a frustrating relationship with it when i was younger#atm though im actually feeling quite good about it#i want to do too much a lot of the time though hahah and only have so much time#also since im already replying anyway even though i shouldnt: thank you for your kind words !#;; blue talks
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#i think this is just my irritability from my meds#so i’m putting my rant down in the tags#im going to delete this later but i just needed to get this out bc i’ve seen it quite a few times now#but if i see one more fuckin person say something along the lines of ‘stop drawing the iterators/slugcats in this way because it’s boring#or wrong or doesn’t match up with MY HEADCANON’#im gonna fucking lose it. if you want to see slugcats or iterators drawn how YOU like them. why don’t YOU draw them. or YOU pay other#artists you draw them for you?#the fact that some people are so god damn entitled to fanworks that passionate people are making FOR FREE#this isn’t about any of my followers or anything and i block people who say shit like that on sight but for real.#your interpretations of characters and designs are not the end all be all. i interpret sigs shape language as pointy! a lot of the fandom#sees her as square! you know what i DONT do? make posts about how artists should stop drawing him square#you know what i DO do? draw her pointy MYSELF!#i’ll delete this later bc it really doesn’t matter and it’s NOT directed at any of my followers or moots it’s just a general thing ive seen#you do realize that most of what we have to go off of are 10 pixel tall muppets right.#going crazy stupid with designs is FUN! im beginning to think some of y’all take this shit WAY too seriously lmao#anyways.
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