#sees her as square! you know what i DONT do? make posts about how artists should stop drawing him square

[sapphicdib]

.

[haeroniel-doliet]

Hnghhh why does it require e f f o r t and p a t i e n c e and p r a c t i c e to get good at art????? I need to be good immediately and things i want to see appear at a snap of my fingers.......

Read more for what became an accidental full rant about why ive yet to post anything besides that one thing idkkkk

Aka im TRYING to be good and practice little by little but its BORING and difficult to not get immediate reward.... Also because for whatever reason i really dont wanna watch tutorials so im tryna be all self taught kinda and im OBVIOUSLY making a lot of mistakes like its part of the process but its FRUSTRATING

Basically im on my 6th??? Idk restart attempt at the same fennec portrait and its. Okay. Its at a point where im like nice as long as i suffer over the details here itll be decent ish. Probably.

But its not REWARDING.....

I know i want to do screencaps and character and face studies to get to the point of good art i wish i could be but .... I also just wanna draw like fun fic scenes and silly doodles of characters like some of the cool artists i follow do but i CANT because im not GOOD ENOUGH yet. ;(((((((

Yea i could post sketches or whatver i manage in a night but like who the fuck wants to follow that? Nah... I just idk. I DONT KNOW i dont know what my art goals are (i do, but DO I??)

My brain also obviously doesnt work very well visually which is GREAT so like, any original work its a lot like 'i'll know its right when i see it' but getting next to no other direction and you just gotta be like right. Okay uhhh my anatomy skills are stunted from when i was like 16?? Perspective?? Detail?? WHATS THE COLOR SCHEME

Never mind that i just... Dont understand the program or brushes that well idk why. Krita should be good and im too stressed to experiment different softwares.... BLEGH

i just. Part of me aches to go back to traditional for a bit but i just, dont have the means to make the scale of work i want ro produce with traditional materials yknow?? Maybe i should try just sketching scanning and then lining on computer again idk. At least for some of these face things.

Ok so my GOAL is to always have a very recognizable face. Like. I guess i cant hold myself to photorealism standards because hahahhah id die! But like, i want the face to be looked at and go ah yes! Its that guy! That actress! My friend! Me! Whoever! But like, recognizable. Because i know i CAN thats what i do! Thats all ive been good at !!!!

And like yeah i could hone that, yknow? Work on face studies and mini portraits of all my favourite actors and scenes and shit. Cool right?? Yeahh that could be sickaroni macaroni. People like faces they can recognize and good refined work. I can do that

But i want to be MORE

Id love love love to make like. Scenic paintings. Concept art level atmosphere and color and light and presence and as tory telling yknow?? Id like to substitute the literally colorless fog inside my head into vivid scenes. Id like to try and take the fics that in my head are set in ??? Space with some movement here and there and just idk emotions? Into fleshed out SCENES with backdrops and accurate anatomy and WEIGHT and like, everything incredible that i admire in true art.

But thats hard, yknow? I havent really ever done backgrounds and what i have have been so flat. I dont KNOW how to do that (here i would be willing to have a teacher i think but. Im tired. I cant even seek out a short term therapist for myself how am i gonna find the kind of teacher i want?? Because of course i want them to teach me how to achieve whata inside my dreams and not what they know how to do ykno)

Yeah so i want to try and paint screencaps in the meantime. See if i cant struggle my way to fit this putty of skill into a square box. Like i think i can paint. Digitally? Somewhat idk?? Maybe if i just. Keep trying itll work out?? Start with simpler ones and build up to complexity??

But also. If im juat trying to get myself to love art again, why am i trying to throw myself in the deep end of struggling with something im not good at?? Shouldnt i be just refining what i already know? Like. A character! Standing. Maybe in a cooler pose if going crazy. Refining basic anatomy. How does fabric work? How does hair work? Can i make expressions seem realistic?

Next step, could i make a picture of someone without direct reference?? Like. Could i draw maybe a wee dinluke holding eachother or whatever and like. Just. Do it?? Without doing a version of photoshopping two pics of the actors through art together. Idk.

Also NONE of this makes sense to anyone outside my head and im SORRY

Like i dont even have a resolution at the end here!!! Im just FRUSTRATED!!!

I wanna draw, i wanna have results and success and rewarding experiences. But i also want ro challenge myself and do super complex shit and like really push myself to learn impressive difficult shit and be proud of down the line.

Im so tired. I cant even feel ok drawing without having someone on call with me to alleviate the immense pressure of frustration and anxiety and stress and struggle!!

I just. Wanna enjoy it

Okay fine i need to find a show or smth to 'watch'

And tomorrow? I might whip out a sketchbook thats been last used 8 years ago and. Ignore everything in it hahhaha its bad

But no im gonna. Im gonna draw scenes. With minimal reference

I might make a face collage i definitely wanna for pascal and mar camel

But im gonna put PENCIL to PAPER and get to the roots of MY HAND CAN DRAW just give her a chance, and get your brain outta the game.

Ok so fuck me this rant has to end here or ill never stop

If you read this (i dont expect ANYONE to have) send me like a message or whatever lol imma need to ask if youre ok <3

[bjdconfessions]

Loooong List Ahead!

I don’t know why, but there’s been a lot of negativity lately. So.. here’s an idea: I compiled a list of advice for people in the community  (NO its not cocky or any of that troll nonsense xD) it’s just some stuff I think would help better us?

1) If you don’t like someone, or you have THE BEEF, unfollow and block them. Don’t associate with them. Just ignore them. Don’t shittalk them or spread rumours about them. Just block and ignore. Alternatively, you could confront them and discuss THE BEEF in a mature, civilised manner. We aren’t animals. Also, if you just follow someone you dont like only to spy on them, shame on you. Stop. Get a life and stop being petty. You aren’t James Bond, and you’re spying on someone who fuckin plays with dolls like you do.

2) If you see someone you don’t like at a meet, again, ignore them. Or just get over and done with the pleasantries, and THEN ignore them. Don’t gossip or shittalk or anything like that. You’re meeting for your dolls, not for the desperate house wives gossip sesh.

3) If you’re a parent of kids who are too young to understand the fragility of dolls, Its advisable to hire a sitter or someone to look after them if you’ve got a doll meet. If you cant and you MUST bring them with, please ensure they’re well behaved or entertained. Not everyone likes kids, not everyone will like YOUR kids, and that’s okay. If someone asks if you can tell your child to not touch their dolls, please comply. “But her fingers are clean!” “But he’s very gentle~” yes, that may be true, but not everyone is comfortable with others- especially kids- touching their dolls. No matter how well behaved you perceive your own children to be, please respect the wishes of the other doll owners. Not your doll, not your decision.

4) If a parent has their kid at a meet and said kid wants to touch the doll, but you’re not down for it, just say no. But be polite. You dont have to be an asshole just because it’s a child. Children are worthy of your respect. If they keep nagging, give a firmer no, and if it persists, tell their parents. Parents of those kids, refer to (3). Not everyone likes kids, but its still good to be tolerant of them. You dont even be to humour them.

5) Some people like to shag their dolls. That’s..  okay.  To those who don’t like it, block those who do. To those who do like it, keep it sanitary. That’s just for your own health though. You dont need resin splinters in your hoo-ha.

6) Some people have… controversial dolls or contraversial themes in their stories. That’s okay.  Our dolls can be beautiful and romanticized, or they can be a reflection of our selves and the real world issues we face. But, if it bothers you, ask the owners to put trigger warnings.  Owners, if someone asks you to put a trigger warning, don’t be an asshole about it.

7) Buyers, please be patient. Like you, sellers have lives to live. Give them up to 3 days to respond before you send another message. Also, please be sure about if you actually want to buy something. It’s best to not waste their time  (which I’m guilty of. Sorry doll owner I messed around!).

8) sellers, please respond to buyers as soon as you can. You’ll come to an arrangement sooner, and make your sale quicker. Also, once you’ve received payment, please send out items as soon as you can. It’ll stop you from being blacklisted as a scammer or being a potential buyer - beware target.

9) This kinda goes without saying, but if you want to call someone out as a scammer, its best to gather all your info and evidence, then make a conviction. You dont wanna say soandso scammed you without any proof.

10) If you’re pro-artist, refer to  (1), especially if you don’t want to see that content. If someone does slip past, try educate them civilly. I know a lot of pro-artist get a bad rap for bullying, but if we are civil we might be able to educate each other. I know it’s hard, especially when some prorecasts don’t budge in their stance, but then there’s no changing it and you shouldn’t let it upset you. (I know. Easier said than done).

11) Pro-recasts. I know you guys like cheaper dolls, or they help get you through your anxiety, but please know that they are very harmful to artists. I know sometimes we can’t help it (I downloaded a cracked version of Life is Strange. Sorry square enix  <\3), but please do go back to support the artists, if even with just an outfit or something. (I’ve bought all my installements of Final Fantasy. None cracked!) Please be sure to tag them as recasts and don’t post in artist-only places. Also don’t hide the fact that you own a recast or pretend your recast is legit. It proves your guilty conscience and shows you know you did something wrong.

12) don’t be nasty to Noobs. If their faceup looks like a preschoolers crayon and macaroni art project, but they’re proud of it, do NOT get them down. We all started somewhere. No one is instantly perfect at faceups. No one ever will be. Art is like humans- constantly improving to a state of perfection, except we can’t reach it. There’s always room for improvement. If you must judge a faceup, please do so nicely with constructive criticism. “The brows are a little wonky. Is it a character quirk? If not, maybe redo the left for a more curious look, or the right for more relaxed.” Be more willing to help. If they don’t know how to improve, help them, or send them a link.

13) Noobs- if you don’t want criticisms, SAY SO. But you need to know your faceups aren’t perfect (see12). You cant expect everyone to love them immediately. Accept some criticism. Ask about what you can fix. And please do your research before you spam confession blogs with questions. That’ll just get you backlash. Also, not everyone will love your first faceup. So don’t open commissions after two tries at an SD.  if you’re confident in your work, only then should you take commisions.

I think that about covers it. If you wanna add stuff or disagree or whatever do it. Its just my opinion lmao. This kinda feels more like a ramble than a confession so here:

I love the smell of resin and the cracking sound of a new dolls’ joints. It’s like ASMR to me and so therapeutic.

[j-t-k-moved]

I decided to redo my Trollsona cause there's stuff I wanted to add and fix. I also added more detail (as best as I could) and more stuff to describe my personality better.

Warning: Long ass post ahead.

  Name: Scmare Ttieer  [Seh-mare Tear] (Origin of name is unknown)

Age: 7.85 Alternian Sweeps [17 Human Earth Years]

Gender: Bigender [She/Her/He/Him]

Status: Alive

Blood Colour: Sapphire (Blue Blood, Landdweller)

Lusus: I don't fully know what it is. It's a strange creature that doesn't resemble any Alternian creatures. [See Picture: 7]

Theme: Space

Symbol: [See picture: 9]

Weapon: Double Ended Scythe [See picture: 8]  (Weapon is around 4 feet long, rarely ever used)

Power: Aura reading, The ability to perceive energy fields surrounding people, places and things. If I focus hard enough on person/object I can see colours surrounding their body. These colours can mean multiple things, from how they’re feeling to if that person is inherently evil or good.

Typing Quirk: Capitalizes letters that are in my first name (Except when actually typing my name). When useing the word 'neutral' I cap the whole thing. Uses & in place of the word 'and'

Speaking Quirk: Very quiet around people I don't know or when I'm feeling negative emotions. Very loud when around people I'm comfortable with or when feeling positive emotions.

Troll Tag: dysfunctionalCosmos

Quote: "id rather StAy NEUTRAL on thE SituAtion. lEss ChAnCE of a ConfRontAtion."

Hive: A very simple Hive, even if a bit futuristic looking. Made of a white metal, the whole hive in a circular shape. An observatory located right in the middle of the building on the roof. Used for my interest in studying space. Doors open by touching a surface near them (like touch screen)

Respiteblock: Messy room with clothes and tools on the floor. Posters of movies and videogames on the walls, along with some of my shitty drawings. Husktop located on a desk in the back of the room. Recuperacoon is located in a far right corner by a window.

Interests: Fiduspawn, Singing, Reading, Drawing, Crafting, Astronomy, Video Games, Cooking and Dancing  

Dislikes: Confrontation, Needles, Large groups of people, Loud noises, Heights, Myself

Bad Habits: Biting my lip until it bleeds, Chewing on matches, Biting my nails,

Hemoloyalty: I do not treat trolls of lower blood caste any different than I would treat a troll of a high blood caste. Though, I do understand my place on the hemospectrum and that unless I want to get culled I need to show some amount of respect to highbloods. Describes it as being neutral, even though I don't approve of the way low bloods are viewed.  

Clothing: Black tank top coated in small white specs representing stars, my symbol located on the front of my shirt. Sapphire blue button up short sleeve shirt (usually unbuttoned). Black mid-thigh shorts with ankle high black boots.

Hair: Short thick black hair [See Picture: 6]

Horns: (Horns are 1 foot long) [See Picture: 2]

Teeth/Mouth: [See Picture: 3] Bottom fangs are long and poke out a bit

Eyes: Not fully my blood colour yet [See Picture: 5] 

Ears: [See Picture: 4]

Skin: Pale grey [See Picture: 4]

Face: Round in shape. Scar across the bridge of my nose. Square thick glasses covering my eyes. Only make up being some black eye liner. [See Picture: 5]

Body: Chubby, thicker for my height. Around 198 pounds. No tattoos or other body modifications.

Mutations: None 

Height: 5'6 [Not including horns]

Ancestor: Anwara Tteeir

Dancestor: Urania Ttieer

Quadrants: [Self insert shipping list for me]

God Tier: Rogue Of Life

=============================================================

Skills:  

Knowledge: 7/10 Conceptualization Power: 6/10 Motivation: 4/10 Will to Act: 4/10 Agility: 2/10 Power Control: 10/10 Swordsmanship: 7/10 Hand-to-Hand Combat: 5/10 Long Range Accuracy: 0/10 Offense: 5/10 Defense: 5/10 Social Skills: 3/10

=============================================================Basic Personality Questions: Link To The Questions

1. Are you a leader or a follower?

i'M MoRE of A followER. i don't SEE MySElf AS A good lEAdER.

 2.  What's your faveourite colour?

dARk bluE & REd

 3. Are you more intoverted or extroverted?

ExtRovERtEd. vERy ExtRovERtEd.

 4. Do you tend to argue or avoid conflict?

i Avoid ConfliCt MoRE oftEn thAn not, but At tiMES i gEt into SMAll ARguMEntS.

 5. Are you a listener or a talker?

liStEnER. i ENjoy liStEnEing to pEoplE tAlk moRE thAn ACtuAlly tAlking MySElf.

 6. How long is you attention span

it dEpEndS on whAt i'M doing. if itS SomEthing i likE i'll foCuS on it moRE but if i dont likE it i tEnd to loSE intERESt vERy EASy.

  7. Do you laugh a lot? What's funny to you?

itS vERy EASy to MAkE ME lAugh so yEs & A lot of thingS ARE funny to ME. My SEnSE of humoR iS wERid...

  8. Are you more Athletic, Artistic, or Intellectual?

i would hAvE to SAy ArtiStiC.

 9. What would you do if someone attacked you for no reason?

wEll i would bE foRCEd to dEfEnd MySElf thEn. i would MAkE A AttEMpt to rEAson with thEM but thAt doESn't AlwAyS woRk.

 10 . Any fears?

A fEw likE, nEEdlES and A SmAll fEAR of thE dARk.

 11. What would happen if your greatest fear manifested itself?

i....honEStly wouldn't know how to dEAl with it.

  12. Do you make desicions based on emotions or logic?

i hAtE to AdMit it but EmotionS SEEM to ContRol A lot of whAt i do.

=============================================================

Backstory Questions:

1. What is your earliest memory?

My EARliESt MEMoRy wAS whEn i wAS ChoSEn by My luSuS AS A gRub.

 2. Embarrasing Story - Go!

i oNCE tRiEd to intRoduCE MySElf to AnothER tRoll whEn i wAS youngER but i tRippEd ovER My own fEEt & lAndEd fACE fiRSt in fRont of thEm...

3. Tell the story of a scar you have

thE SCAR on My noSE cAME fRoM thE fiRSt Robot i EvER built. it wAS vERy AgRESSivE & punChEd ME So hARd in thE noSE thAt it MAdE A lARgE gASh. i wAS Still pRoud of My CREAtion though.

4. Has someone close to you died?

no onE CloSE to ME hAS diEd yEt, thAnkfully

   5. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?  

i CAn't think of Anything vERy iMpoRtAnt thAt hAS hAppEnEd to ME yEt. i dont think i'vE livEd long Enough. ==============================================

 Opinion and Interest Questions:

1. How do you feel about where you stand on the Hemospectrum?

honEStly i wiSh i Could foRm A bEttER opinion on it & ChooSE A SidE.

2. When you look at somone, how much does their blood colour have to do with your opionion of them?

it hAS no AffECt on whAt i think of thE pERSon. i judgE by ACtionS.

3. Do you like to read? If so, what genre?

i likE to REAd SomEtiMES. fAntASy iS MAinly whAt i go foR but MyStERy iS prEtty good too.

4. What about TV/Moives. What genre do you like?

i dont whAtCh MoivES or tv ShowS offtEn but whEn i do i go foR hoRRoR & RomAnCES

5. Do you believe in magic?

yES i do! i'vE SEEn MAgiC bEFoRE

 6. What is your greatest fear?

thAt EvERyonE i CARE About will lEAvE ME...

 7. How religious are you?

not vERy, i CAn't pRovE or diSpRovE Any REligionS so i pREfER to StAy NEUTRAL About it.

 8. Do you believe in soulmates/true love?

yES i bEliEvE EvERyonE hAS A SoulMAtE, EvEn thE woRST of pEoplE.

 9. What would you die (or otherwise go to extremes) for?

pEoplE i CARE About.

10. What do you believe makes a successful life?

wEll....living it thE wAy you wAnt to i SuppoSE.

11. Would you rather talk to someone over Trollian or face to face?

tRolliAN, it'S MuCh EASiER bECAuSE you hAvE MoRE timE to think About whAt you ARE sAying & thERES lESS StRESS.

 12. Do you know how to dance?

i likE to dAnCE but i wouldn't SAy i know how to SinCE i'M not good At it.

 13. What type of music do you like?

i don't hAvE A fAvouRitE typE, i likE All kindS of MuSiC.

 14. Hobbies?

wRiting, dAnCing, CRAFting...And SoMEtiMES i Sing.

  15. What's your most treasured possession? Why?  

i hAvE thESE bluE & SilvER MEtAL bRAClEtS i wEAR, i liKE the jingling Sound thEy MAkE.

=============================================================

A day in the life of Scmare Ttieer

1. You've got nothing to do. Who do you talk to?

pRobAbly My MoiRAil, oR SoMEonE ElSE CloSE to ME.

2. The sun is already high in the sky and you're still awake. What do you do to entertain yourself?

thiS hAppEnS A lot ACtuAlly, i uSuAlly plAy A vidEo gAME to pASS tiME.

3. Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted?

i wAkE up, wASh off, tRAin A bit thEn juSt pASS tiME by doing ACtiviES i likE. & it dEpEndS on whAt thE diSRuption iS.

 4. Would you leap at the call to adventure, or would you have to be dragged along?

dRAggEd. advEntuRE iSn't My thing.

5. It's raining and the power is out, how do you spend the day?

i would REAd oR woRk on SoME CRAfting pRojECtS. MAybE pRACtiCE dRAwing.

  6.  Favourite food?  

i'M vERy fond of thE huMAn food, MAShEd potAtoES

=============================================================

Self Image Questions:  

1. What is your greatest strength?

My ACtuAl StREngth. oR MAybE how i CAn SEE thE bRight SidE of thingS.

 2. Greatest Weakness

how Shy i CAn bE.

3. What three words would you use to best describe your personality?

Shy, NEUTRAL, kind?

4. Do you think you're attractive?

not REAlly no

 5. Name two things you like about yourself. Two things you don't?

i likE My EyES & My hAiR, but i diSlikE My body & how Shy i CAn bE.

=============================================================

Backstory: Link to backstory cause this post doesn't need to be longer

[ddcassiere]

That’s exactly what happened

Jesus surrounded by tits - cheap chinese acrylic on cheap chinese A4 paper - Porto, April 2018

During my 2017-2019 busking, hitchiking, gigging, world tour, I couldnt help but painting most of my mornings away. 

(As I write, right now, I am hangover from few glasses of wine I had yesterday with my friends, I hope you accept the randomness of this post. I am 33 and it gets harder in the mornings..)

I had prepared other topics to talk through but I just realized that I would rather write this blogs on feelings of the moment rather than on a detailed plan. And that to me, this principle could be applied to anything. 

It’s not by chance that in one of the songs from Multipolar Vol. 1 I sing:

“..con l’aspettativa di non averti piu’, cara Aspettativa..” - Un Di-Di.

(with the expectation of having you no more, dear expectation)

song here : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjYCJLvxe1I

full album here : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xksf6hpuLlA&t=5s

At the moment I write this post, I am listening to Johnny Cash. Even though I cant say I have listened to him for more than just 5 years or so, I can tell you that this guy has had as much influence to me as any other huge icons of mine.

On a gloomy day of November 2016, I was resting in bed, having a free day from my then “normal’ job. I was so heavily depressed about not having time for playing that I could no more smile. 

I felt a fucking heavy weight on my chest and I started to consider seriously the idea of killing myself and goodbye everybody, goodbye stupid job, boring days and conversations, my time was dead anyway.

From times to times I would bring the guitar at work and after finishing the shift I would go to the main square of Wroclaw, Poland, open the case, throw in some of my own coins, expose my first album and start to play.

Me as a very happy employee - pic by friendly pic machine in Rome Tiburtina, right before leaving to Wroclaw, August 2015

I cant describe how happy you can be, to do something like that and just earn enough to keep you sheltered and fed. It sends you to space, seriously. You start levitate as you walk back homeward. Butterflies in the stomach. 

I would earn more in a hour than I would earn in the same time doing a shitty job. And the shitty job provided me with a rented apartment that, even though it was cozy, I never had time to actually enjoy, and with money that barely fed me and got me drunk on weekends to forget my shitty fucking boring life. That was it. 

I was earning money enough to keep me alive to go to work. Just like a slave. Just like pretty much everybody.

So I did start thinking it would have been a cool idea to try my life on the street. But I was never serious about that. 

Will I survive? Will I end up cold and hungry on a dark corner of a far away city? Will I this and will I that?..

It takes several kilos of balls to drop everything.. every comfort, every goddamn warm bed and new clothes, every new pair of shoes to follow your forever dreams.

And I didnt think I had those balls back then.

In the previous weeks, before that day laying in bed, I met and hosted few couchsurfers who encouraged me to do it. But that still wasnt enough.

Some calls it law of attraction, some call it fate, I think in my case it’s about planting seeds and wait for them to grow as spring comes through. So when that day I heard “I walk The line’ by Johnny Cash and precisely the first sentence, I felt like I had heard that song for the first time in my life. 

It was an epiphany of my whole being: “I find it very very easy to be true”.

A bit tired after the flight to Tehran - Jan 2017 - Pic by I forgot the name

In my belly I felt something was planted, some kind of flower of hope that would have grown and I just had to be careful enough to protect it from storms. 

Then few days after I had a dream. It was a very long dream and I will try to make it short. I had killed Tom Waits and I was in Jail with Michael Stipe from the R.e.m.

All my friends and colleagues were in jail with me. Nobody seemed to mind about being in jail. They all acted as if it was allright to be in jail.

I woke up earlier than usual and kept writing the dream on my little notebook as I was going to work with the tram. I felt very strange.

The day after I catched a fever. Violent fever that forced me in bed for a week. 

I listened to Johnny Cash again. Then something happened that I wouldnt know how to describe. Because I wasnt fully conscious of what it was by then.

Tow days earlier Leonard Cohen died. Two days after Trump was elected.

This is the amount of tobacco I smoke when I hear new like those - Tbilisi, Georgia, March 2017. 

I can just say that in a half an hour I found myself, as ragged and dirty and feverish I was from a week spent at home, right in front the door of the HR department of my job. Waiting in line to be received.

Then signing my resignation papers. Then going back home like a sleepwalker.

Then booking a flight to Tehran. Then booking a bus to Italy. Then throwing 3/4 of my clothes out the trash bins right outside the block. For the joy of the now very sharply dressed homeless guys.

Then packing. Then drinking an ice cold beer. All in all it took 3 hours to change my life. 

All I hadnt given away from the apartment in Wroclaw. And that was now coming to Italy with me. - Wroclaw old bus station, 2017 - Pic by Katarzyna Peukart

A month later I was a free man (as free as you can be in Iran) playing in Tehran and in Shiraz street Afif Habad. I will come back home in a moment I would say.

Sleepwalking in Rome, going to take my flight to Tehran - Rome 2017, pic by Nicole Simoncelli. 

Ready to leave? Pic by Nicole Simoncelli

But it went on and on. I hitchiked my way back to Europe and it took me two years. I slept out in on benches a couple of time here and there. In Greece, In Chech Republic, in Portugal. I travelled more than 20 countries mostly by autostop, I gigged wherever needed. I washed my clothes everyday in the hostel showers, by hand and by feet, I ate what I could eat and I tried to stay warm. Even though that wasnt always possible.

Playing setar in Esfahan. Creation by Sofya Zeinilava

Now I am tired of writing. I need to come back to my music. I promised a dear artist friend to send her some ambient music for her exhibition in Prague.  And tomorrow is Fat Jesus day so I need to work also on that. And there are so many other projects going on.

Posing with the clear blue sky of the smiley city of Tehran on the fucking I forgot the name of the bridge. Tabiat I think, yes I googled it and its Tabiat- Pic by Fatemeh A. - Tehran 2017

Johnny Cash still plays here in my flat in Italy. And I feel he is planting more seeds in me, and that I strongly feel the hitch to come back on the road.

And I feel things are changing inside of me. But I dont plan. 

Well I do, but in the end, if there is something I learned from these two years on the road, is that it’s not me that decides, but the music. As it has always been and as it will always be. Amen and see you next friday with “Naked Songs”

.Love, Courage and Joy to each and every one.

D.

[thataspdfeel]

I'm curious, what are you most attracted to in your partners? Is it similar traits in all of them or different ones like their sense of humour etc.? Sorry if this is a weird question but you've said before you like when people ask about them so I thought I would.

i was so excited to get this and then forgot to answer it :/ im an idiot

also gonna put this under a cut cause this is gonna be hella long cause im a fucking romantic dork

god though i could wax poetic. they’re all so lovely. like they have traits in common but also are unique. they all have brown eyes but theyre unique. like my husband has these eyes that remind me of warm chocolate. like a chocolate fountain kind of warm chocolate. dark and smooth but reflect the light. my wife’s have tinges of gold in the irises like flecks of gold leaf. and theres a dark ring around the pupil and one around the edge of the iris. theyre fucking magical

my boyfriend’s eyes are almost black and very deep. darker than the night sky and full of warmth and mischief. but its like theyre never ending, like he can see the innermost parts of whoever he’s looking at, like your soul is written on your forehead

lmao i love eyes can you tell

they all have these goddamned sinful eyelashes and my boyfriend’s are the longest. theyre as dark as his eyes and when he’s embarrassed, he gets all shy and they brush against his cheekbones like how dare you sir. how dare you be beautiful even when youre embarrassed. i look like a fucking tomato. rude

my husband’s look gold at the tips with the way the light catches them. like yknow how fake eyelashes have purple or red at the tips? like that except gold. like what??? the fuck??? rude

they all have very soft hair though my boyfriend’s is the longest. i cant wait to get with him irl again cause i wanna braid it. he’s got a bony face and it frames it so well. it’s so dark brown its almost black and it’s fun to see him try to sweep it out of his face cause he refuses to tie it up

my husband has these wild curls. we were looking up how to take care of them and that’s how we found out hes ethnically jewish. (which makes sense considering he’s german) they get so thick and heavy and they’re so soft and lovely to nap in. which i do on a semi regular basis. its so soft and lovely and i love when he grows it out. he just doesn’t look right with shorter hair. and he has this beard that grows funny, makes him look like jedidiah if yknow what i mean. he has such a baby face without it and he loves beard scritches it’s so cute how happy he gets

bluh im bouncing all over the place i just??? love them?????? so??????????? much???????????????? there’s so much to talk about!!!

so i guess i’ll just try and make a list of the things i love about them

husband:

cheerful, bubbly, very sunny personality. the human incarnation of a very excited dog (which can be A Lot sometimes)

extremely kind. would give you the shirt off his back. often laments that he stopped carrying cash years ago every time he sees somebody who could use some despite the fact that we’re always broke

a proper southern gentleman??? like im fat so im used to people not holding doors open for me fucking ever and being really goddamned rude in general. he ALWAYS holds doors open for me, opens the car door for me both to get in and out of the car, and gets pouty if i try and carry my own bag. it’s so sweet??? ive literally never had that before and even after three and a half years, it’s still so charming

he will do literally anything the fuck i ask. he’ll say no and im like oh ok and he’ll tease like “finally! i said no! and got away with it!” just to make me giggle and then does it anyway

on this note, he also always cooks as much as absolutely possible. even though his spine gives him problems, he does his best to keep me off my leg

he’s always so concerned about my well being. like if there’s not a disability cart at the front of a store, he makes me sit down while he goes and chases one down. if im stiffer than usual due to a cold front, he’ll remind me to take pain meds every four hours

he’s trying to learn japanese because he knows i dont have anybody to practice with here in the states. just for me and not any other reason

adores animals. even if he finds a dog annoying, he’ll still fawn over it and give it as many pets as it wants and won't ever snap at it even if anybody else would. he’s got these large hands and he’s kind of clumsy but this goes away around animals. he’s just so careful and gentle like i never ever worry

drags me out of my introverted cave because he knows social interaction is also good

has introduced me to some of my favorite books and video games because he’s verious conscious about what somebody likes and works to be like “hey, i think youd like this” and is almost always correct??? amazing

has 0 sense of style but doesnt mind somebody who knows better keeping him from absolute disaster

dude is a damned good cook. ive gained like at least a solid 25 pounds since he moved in and started cooking regularly

SPEAKING OF COOKING, we met on the tail end of my anorexia when i was doing my best to recover and still slipping up. he never made me feel bad about it but always encouraged me to eat. he eats SO much (think shaggy rogers) that i always felt comfortable eating in front of him. he always reminds me to eat and asks if ive eaten that day. honestly, i wouldnt be at this level of recovery if it hadnt been for him

is amazing at caling me down holy fuck

wife:

met her first, of the three of them, ironically so ive known her the longest but been with her the shortest. we dated a few months in hs but there was a chick she wanted to date like right there (and i was in japan) so i was like oh go for it. well, they broke up and we got back together and it’s been lovely ever since

she has this snorting laugh that’s adorable to listen to and it makes me feel more comfortable laughing (because i think i sound like a damn goose)

SHE HAS SO MANY GODDAMNED FRECKLES ON HER CUTE LITTLE FACE THEY’RE ADORABLE AND AMAZING AND VERY FUN TO KISS BECAUSE SHE SQUIRMS

she has a goddamned button nose for chrissakes

and these really wide hips too like i felt bad about my hips years ago cause theyre p wide but shes adorable and has wide hips too. she kinda made me love them (even though hers are better)

she’s genderfluid so i get to be gay all across the gender spectrum (im agender) and she’s so beautiful and handsome and v amazing

we were both homestuck fans at the height of it (like we still are) but her cosplays are just really well done??? shes so talented

OH MY GOD SHE MAKES THIE CHICKEN SOUP WITH HOMEMADE NOODLES I WOULD SLAP AN OLD LADY FOR

i dont know about the rest of her cooking (sadly) due to limited time around each other but i cant fucking wait tbh. her cookies kill me tho i love them

an amazing fashion sense. im a dumpster compared to her

an amazing writer and artist and i die every time she sends me something like my soul fucking ascends

she loved me BEFORE meds which i think is amazing. like what a lovely human being yknow? im a dick without meds and she loved me anyway and i love that about her

she speaks german and she makes it sound beautiful and i cry

her singing voice is so angelic and it kills me when she sings because everybody should hear this lovely person sing

she is hyper empathetic and it makes her so lovely and kind and wonderful. she completely understands how i feel about things and why even when no one else does and is very good at de-escalating me when im upset

we’ve just known each other for something like 7 years now? like i dated her post my abusive ex and she lit up my whole world with happiness at being treated well. then her ex was abusive and just... we get each other? in a way where her husband and my other two partners dont. its a pain the others dont understand so we go to each other during these times of pain in a way we cant with other people. it’s a very special connection

she’s a goddamned goof and i love it

my boyfriend:

motherfucker is so skinny which is the opposite of me and for some reason it works?? idk like it worries me but it’s also unique. love it

we dated almost my whole senior year of hs but he broke up with me because he thought he didnt have the same depth of emotion as i did for him and didnt want to “hold me back” from somebody better. like??? can you imagine?????? how fucking kind

recently started dating again like it took him fourish years for him to realize SHIT I MADE A MISTAKE so he’s a little slow but he’s so very thoughtful

he’s a goof in a different way than the other two. dad jokes. never ending fucking dad jokes. and goddamned puns. he never stops. dont tell him i love them because then he’ll never let me tease him again (i pretend like its The Worst)

so. fucking. dramatic. always flips his hair in the sassiest way possible. its super gay (he’s bi)

he doesnt do a whole lot of romance or saying WHY he feels certain ways. he feels like it cheapens the emotion. but, on the rare occassion he doesnt let this bother him, his poetry he sends me about how he feels makes me fucking cry. it’s so beautiful. i love it

he works watering at a plant nursery and complains about how the bees always use him as a landing strip. it’s adorable

he’s so resourceful?? this is best seen when playing minecraft cause he makes some damn cool structures in some really nice places. i love playing it with him just to see what he builds and how (especially since im a boring, lets make this house a square kinda ho)

he’s so camera shy??? no selfies no skype at all. he’s so bashful and it’s super cute i love it

got me into DnD like yes thank you for this enjoyable nerdery

the sole reason i passed math in hs. like not only is he smart but hes also really good at explaining things to people? definitely a talent for teaching people things

he was my best friend for the longest time like all three of them are my best friend but he was the only one who was my best friend FIRST and then romance blossomed

like im demiromantic so i need a strong connection to fall in love like it was a solid few months of dating my husband before i began to love him. i knew my wife for awhile and got close so same general story. but my boyfriend and i were more friends to lovers and i love that about him

his dad is half italian so he talks with his hands and it’s so overdramatic that he hits people with them on a semi regular basis just gesturing. he once accidentally knocked my glasses all the way across a room cause i had walked behind him and he made a sweeping gesture. hilarious

one time, i had food poisoning and the pain was so bad, i had to crawl under his kitchen table until my mother came to take me to the base clinic. he sat with my head in his lap and brushed my hair out of my face and cooed gently at me to try and soothe me. it was so sweet and ive never forgotten about it

motherfucker, with the help of my sister, dragged me into homestuck

he’s so damn shy about affection that holdling his hand in public makes him blush. it’s even worse if i steal a kiss. fucking adorable

things all three have in common that i love:

good in bed. it sounds silly but this is important to me because while i dont necessarily need sex to form a close relationship to fall in love, it definitely helps

idk how this happened, i really dont, but somehow everything i like lines up nicely with everything they like??? and if im not into something, they can find it with each other and vise versa. lmao wtf how did this happen to line up idk

kind, generous, sweet, and helpful although all three show these qualities in different ways despite having them in common

love me??? like honestly it sounds so silly that id love that they love me but im such a flawed, terrible human being that it leaves me in deep awe that not only does one person love me but three??? how??? amazing people to find something in me to love and to keep on loving despite all my problems. beautiful

creative, smart, and inventive each in their own right. they fucking astound me and take my breath away

beautiful cuddlers (not being sarcastic, promise)

husband is a goddamned heater but boyfriend is a living block of ice. then wife is one of those who’s in between but she steals your heat and then hours later gives it back which is the worse option of the three. like it starts out all nice but then you end up surprised hours later because youre fucking dying of heatstroke

so we have two heatstroke, drowning in sweat options and then losing your limbs. it makes trying to set the thermostat a fucking nightmare

they all love to read and honestly? i couldnt be with anyone who doesnt like a good book

can hold lively, in depth discussions about things

hubby tends to lean more towards “would it be immoral to fuck a succubus” type morality questions and superhero dissection type things

wife is all over the place and can carry on a conversation about goddamned teapots if she so chose. no idea how she does it

boyfriend likes to entertain more morbid thoughts and psychology but also likes to analyze things. like homestuck. we still fucking dissect homestuck

very intelligent. blows my dumb ass out of the water. beautiful

like gaming various amounts and various kinds of games. hubs likes any and all. boyfriend likes dnd, monster hunter, minecraft etc kinds of things, not really one for cards or board games. wife prefers to craft but will occasionally engage in board games or cards, less so in video games but tends to stick to pokemon. it’s nice

they’re all very physically beautiful though in different ways. hubby is barrel chested and german with very strong arms and big hands, a bright and sunny smile. wife is small and round with tiny, artist hands and a sweet, pixie face. boyfriend is thin, long, and gaunt with pale skin and dark hair (kind of like damien from dream daddy tbh)

i could go on but ive been making this post for like well over two hours now and i figured maybe i should stop. it’s long as hell and idk if anybody else would have read this whole thing but basically i fucking adore my partners??? so much??? and there are so many things about them to love???

i just love them so much and could go on and on for hours about why i love each of them and how lovely they are and how they make me feel

ksdjrfgh im so sorry this is so long theres just so much to talk about //sweats

[adamaminuddin]

hello, remember yesterday i told you about my imagination of us being at some green city in Europe i dont mean it like the United Nations punya green initiative on some eco friendly crap no no hahaha, what i meant was us being in some city *take Vienna for instance* remember that city? from Before Sunrise? haha yeah like that! 😊 we’re in that city and we stayed just outside Vienna at some blue lake surrounded by hills and so many trees 😄💛 god that must be a perfect setting of a holiday now ain’t it? hehe and then in the morning we’d stroll down Vienna’s square and buy fruits and you wear this colorfully amazing sundress and you wear this really big and wonderful hat like the one i edited in my snapchat post tu hahahah and then we stroll together on the gardens of Vienna and the small pathways that lead us to these bistros and then we take a hike on the hills and have picnic atop the hills and i play some country music and you danced to it and then we walk back to our small hotel and then i read a book on the balcony and you’d just roam around being an artist that you are haha 🙂💙 and then we watch an orchestra together at night i wear a tuxedo and you wear a very elegant dress and then we walk back after seeing the ensemble play and then we’d just drink grape juice while looking at Jasmine and her friends and then we make out lol i meant it romantically heheh 💜😎 you know that’s how i imagined our holiday would be u know at these cities hehe 😙💚 you know, i want to do it with you, all of it. and if the slightest of opportunities start crawling to us we’ll go okay sayang we'll go, and i promise you, you will have the time of your life with me. just five years intan, five years to go and then after we both got our degrees insha allah who knows, we might be able to start whatever beautiful future we planned to do together ♥️ just five years. with you, no words can describe how happy i am thinking about it. you’re gonna start your AS today and i am super proud of you no matter what sayang, super proud. u have tried your best studying as much as you can and i hope you can answer all the questions well. cause after that, it’s zoo time 🙂🙂❤️ of all the times i keep walking ahead of you, you stood by me. of all the times i kept hurting you, you stayed patient with the idiot that is me. honestly i could not put into words just how much i am eternally grateful to have you as my sidekick, my partner, my lover. thank you for being my girlfriend, thank you for staying put with me, thank you for all the things you’ve done to help me become a better person. if we keep going on like what we have been working on right now, i swear to god if i dont marry you, i dont think there’d be anyone else to make me feel what you make me feel sayang. i love you almost indefinitely sayang, i do. and i will not leave you okay, no matter how often you think of me leaving you. we belong together, forever. i belong to you, im yours, and i will be yours in the next 100 years sayang. you make me so happy, and i will spend my life every single day trying to make you as happy as you did to me. alas, this love letter is for you Intan. all of it, is my imagination with you. because darling, when the time comes, we will travel the world, and we’ll travel the world with our beautiful kids, with a happy heart, and still madly in love with one another ♥️💛 just wait, cause 8 years from now probably, you’d be walking around with me with a big fat ring on your finger, and that solidifies it, the endgame. you will be mine, forever. 🕊

[nurseyydex]

consider this: SMH & one direction

i just wanna talk about smh and 1d ok im so sorry this wasnt supposed to be this long i have no control 

dex grew up with sisters (let me have this he has a bunch of sisters ok) so not only was he completely unable to escape one direction he was not allowed to get away with any sort of ‘bands that have mainly young female fanbases are not real music’ misogyny that lots of teen boys and adult males have 

so he likes 1d he doesnt advertise but he had to listen to them a lot so he knows their entire discography and what they have some good songs ok bro 

so yeah they find their way into his workout playlists so fucking what man they’re fucking hype songs 

his fave is niall bc hes chill and just wants to drink beer and play his guitar and listen to dad rock and he’s irish (dex is irish and is grandma loves niall bc she’s irish and what a sweet young lad) he’s not like die hard niall stan but he knows all of the 1d discourse from his sisters debating (im willing to listen to other opinions my back up is louis bc hes a punk) 

he save up one year (and got help from his fam) to get tickets for his sisters to see a wwa concert as a birthday/christmas/every holiday present bc theyre expensive and they dont have a lot of money 

his mom technically bought the tickets he just helped pay for them and the girls surprised him with a ticket for him to come with (mama poindexter: well i cant let them go alone who’s gonna watch them you have to go make sure they dont get arrested for doing something stupid) dex played it cool but it was such a fun concert and so fun to hang out with his sisters tooo

nursey now is a goddamn hipster u cant tell me he isnt into a bunch of british alternative bands and bc of his brit music phase he knew about one direction from the very start at the x factor stage (he definitely mentions this all the goddamn time when they start becoming popular but he chills out through the years)

hes been to at least one concert for every tour (he even got tickets to the madison square garden show) - he went to every concert with his sister but it was his idea to go and she was just there to keep an eye on him

also a big reason he got into the band was zayn like heres a pakistani muslim boy who’s super talented with these white dudes and that representation is super important (i also hc nursey as muslim or at least partially but zayn is a brown muslim boy killing it so yeah its awesome) 

but nurseys fave tho is harry especially when harry is a total hoe with long hair and jewelry and those red carpet looks like nursey is in love but also in awe bc those sparkly boots and that floral suit like those are iconic Looks™ and nursey loves it bc gender isnt real and he loves hoe looks (zayn is like 1.5 tho bc nursey is in love)

nursey tries to serenade dex with little things one day when they’re chilling by the pond on the grass and dex punches him bc nursey is making him emo even when he knows dex doesnt have emotions (in public in front of people who can see him cry)

bitty likes them they’re no beyonce but theyre fun and attractive and yeah hes gonna have some fun dancing to them he isn’t really up with all the drama and disc*urse until the boys have 1d nights and they watch this is us and the concert dvds bc he learns a lot 

he loves 2013 era harry and all the time liam (that boy is thicc and bitty 100% does not swoon)

holster like come tf on holster loves them he unironically and passionately loves one direction completely unashamed he does not care for your opinions and no one makes fun of him bc he’s a 6′4 fucking big ass hockey player who could drop kick u across campus if he wanted to

he claims he doesnt have a fave but he would die for all of them 

his fave rotates seasonally and he has a different fave for each era 

he went to the tmh tour and he’s gone to every tour since - he goes with his sisters bc its a bonding topic for them he sits at the edge of the floor or at the end of a row on the sides bc hes so tall he feels so bad and he tries to stay out of the way of the little girls behind him but hes nice to them and talks to them and so they like him even if hes a giant

but really he and his sisters are so close bc they have a lot of similar interests and they talk about pop culture stuff and its hard to keep intouch when hes away so much but they have group chats about 1d and tv shows and stuff so its so nice for them to keep up a strong bonding time 

ransom is a britney bitch and holster dragged him into 1d. he’s in it for the memes and the drama really. (he likes the songs and thinks its fun but he wouldnt have been a fan and gone to concerts if it wasnt for holtz)

holster takes him to the wwa concert and they have a blast 

holster also drags his ass to see this is us opening night (they both cry)

chowder just loves everyone and he doesnt understand why people hate 1d (or other pop artists with majority young female fan bases that ppl hate bc misogyny) when theyre so fun he’s not an active /fan/ until smh has team bonding nights involving one direction jam sessions and concert dvd watching and drunk history

on such 1d nights they put on one of the dvds and it accidentally turns into a drinking game (mainly drinking bc this part of my god did u see that !!! THAT NOTE CHANGE !!!! and ZAYN WHY !!!! and other painful parts) and some of them *cough* nursey dex and holster *cough* get possibly the most drunk they ever get bc of this 

theres loud awful drunk singing along and some sobbing (this is definitely not based off of any sort of personal experience whatsoever nope never done this before) 

after the movie when everyone is so drunk they talk about 1d history which is how the veterans teach the others about the exciting drama and disc*urse  

lardo is a bad bitch who is tough as fuck and manages a division I mens hockey team and every single one of them is afraid of her. AND she would not let any bro tease her for liking one direction bc why the fuck not. 

she has plenty of their songs thrown in arting playlists and in pump up playlists 

and she knows theres nothing better to cheer holster up when he’s having a rough day than a 1d dance sesh 

dont forget where you belong is the first song on her team bonding playlist bc its a love song to ur bandmates which transfers very well to love songs to ur teammates 

shitty unapologetically loves 1d and boy bands and girl bands and he supports all things that young girls love but are not taken seriously bc girls like them 

he’s written at least 3 papers/projects on the misogyny surrounding young girls and their interests and involvement in fandom and also boybands (he tries to fight all guys who disrespect girls’ interests and the power of teenage girls)

he’ll randomly show up to a 1d night bc obvi he’s in that gc and he’s ready to party and express emotions and dance and talk drama 

he loves harry bc “THAT FLOW MAN!!! HIS FLOW IS SO SICK!!!”

he cried when harry posted the pic of the hair he chopped off and cried when he saw the another man shoot where harry was defying all sorts of societal norms it was beautiful and his flow is still so nice even this short its ok it’ll grow back better than before

one friday night the lax bros sneak over to try to prank the haus and peak in the window and see half of the hockey team in the living room drunk off their ass singing loudly to a one direction concert on the tv - holster and nursey jumping around attempting to dance along, ransom clinging to bitty on the floor crying about a ‘hiatus’, bitty soothing ransom, dex forgetting about the drink in his one hand to drink rum from the bottle, shitty naked (not surprising) and slow dancing with a life sized cut-out of harry styles with tears streaming down his face (more surprising), and chowder lying on the couch singing through mouthfuls of pie 

they walk back to the lax bro house without executing the prank and they never mention it again

[amytanworld]

Exclusive Excerpt: Colleen Hoover’s Without Merit

A new Colleen Hoover novel is a big deal around here. The bestselling author’s last two books, It Ends with Us and Confess, both took home the Goodreads Choice Award for Best Romance. Her latest, Without Merit, hits bookshelves next month (just in time to be eligible for this year’s Choice awards). The powerful tale about a young woman who bares her darkest secrets to her seemingly happy loved ones is drawing comparisons to the works of Liane Moriarty and Jojo Moyes. Hoover shares an exclusive excerpt with Goodreads.

I can’t think of a single instance where I’ve been looked at like he’s looking at me right now. Like I fascinate him. I know we don’t know each other at all and whatever this connection is between us will probably be ruined the moment we have our first real conversation. He’ll probably be a douchebag or he’ll think I’m weird and then it’ll get awkward and we’ll be more happy to go our separate ways. That’s how my interactions with guys usually go. But right now in this moment, knowing nothing about him other than the intensity in his expression, it allows me to imagine he’s perfect. I pretend he’s smart and respectful and funny and artistic. Because he would be all those things if he were the perfect guy. I’m content with imagining he possesses these qualities for as long as he’s going to stand here in front of me.

He takes a step closer to me and it suddenly feels like I’ve swallowed his heart because I have all these extra beats in my chest. His eyes drop to my mouth and I’m certain he’s about to kiss me. I hope he is. Which is odd because I’ve literally only spoken a couple of sentences to him but I want him to kiss me while I’m imagining him to be perfect, because that means his kiss would probably be perfect, too.

His fingers feather up my wrist but it feels more like he has both fists clasped tightly around my lungs. My chills chase his fingers up my arm until his hand is resting against my neck.

I don’t know how I’m still standing with the unreliable legs I seem to have right now. My head is tilted back and his mouth is inches from mine, as if he’s hesitating. He smiles and whispers, “You bury me.”

I have no idea what those words mean, but I like them. And I like how his lips connect softly with mine right after he finishes saying whatever it was he just said. And I was right. It’s perfect. So perfect, it feels like the old days in the movies when the male lead would press his hand against the wom- an’s back and she would curve her body backward against the pressure of his kiss like the letter C while he pulls her against him. It’s just like that.

He’s pulling me to him when his tongue slides across my lips. And just like in the movies, my arms are dangling at my sides until I realize how much I want to be in this with him and finally begin to kiss him back. He tastes like mint ice cream and it’s perfect because this moment ranks high on my scale of favorites, right up there with dessert. This is almost comical—this stranger, kissing me as if it were the last thing left on his bucket list. It makes me wonder what compelled him to do this.

Both of his hands move to hold my face now, like we have nowhere else to be today. He’s not in a hurry with his kiss and he definitely doesn’t care who sees this because we’re in the middle of the town square and two people have already honked at us. I wrap one of my arms around his neck and decide I’ll just let him continue for as long as he wants because I don’t have anywhere to be right now. Even if I did, I’d cancel my plans in exchange for this.

Right when one of his hands slides through my hair, the water splashes beneath my feet. I squeal a little because it’s unexpected. He laughs, but he doesn’t stop kissing me. Now we’re being soaked because my foot isn’t covering the spout all the way, but neither of us cares. It just adds to the ridiculousness of this kiss. The ringtone on his phone adds even more ridiculousness to the moment because of course we’d be interrupted right now. Of course. It was way too perfect.

He pulls back and the look in his eye is somehow satiated and starving at the same time. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and looks down at it. “Did you lose your phone or is this a joke?”

I shrug because I have no idea which part of this he thinks might be a joke. Me allowing him to kiss me? Someone calling him in the middle of said kiss? He laughs a little as he presses the phone against his ear. “Hello?”

The smile leaves his expression and now he just looks confused. “Who is this?” He waits a couple of seconds and then pulls the phone away from his ear and looks down at it. Then he looks up at me. “Seriously. Is this a prank?”

I don’t know if he’s talking to me or the person on the phone, so I shrug again. He puts the phone to his ear and takes a step away from me. “Who is this?” he repeats. He laughs nervously and grips the back of his neck. “But…you’re standing right in front of me.”

I can feel the color drain from my face at that sentence. All the color in my body—in this ridiculous moment with this random guy—pools at my feet, leaving me feeling like the second-rate carbon copy of Honor Voss. My twin sister. The girl who is obviously on the other end of that phone call.

I cover my face with my hand and turn around, grabbing my shoes and my sack. I hope I can put as much distance between us as possible before he figures out that the girl he just kissed isn’t Honor.

I can’t believe this is happening. I just kissed my sister’s boyfriend.

You can read the rest of the story when Without Merit hits bookshelves on October 3.

posted by Hayley on September, 12

[mavwrekmarketing]

Image: Kathy Willens, File/AP PHOTO

Just as it was starting to seem like no one would agree to perform at Donald Trump’s presidential inauguration Jan. 20, it was announced that the Rockettes would be dancing at the event.

Some of the renowned dancers and other allies have started to post online about not wanting to perform for a man who has openly objectified women and has been accused of sexual assault.

In response, the Rockettes’ union, the American Guild of Variety Artists, was reportedly forcing all full-time Rockettes to perform at the inauguration, saying that boycotting the event would be “invalid.”

“It is a job, and all of you should consider it an honor, no matter who is being sworn in,” an email sent to the Rockettes by the American Guild of Variety Artists read.

Then, the Madison Square Garden Company, which produces the Rockettes shows, released a statement late this morning explaining that only those who choose to perform may do so.

.@MSG says “it is always their choice” in new statement on #Rockettes performing at Trump inauguration https://t.co/6CjiuSCFAG http://pic.twitter.com/gbDIrROqbW

Jackie Strause (@jackiedstrause) December 23, 2016

Mikyl Cordova of the MSG Company sent a statement to Mashable to further clarify.

“Women are never compelled to perform whether for regular performances or inaugurationswe had more Rockettes request to participate than there were spots,” she said.

SEE ALSO: ‘P*ssy grabbing’ threats are now a thing in Trump’s America

The change in stance might have been brought about by the increased attention to outspoken Rockettes voicing their protest to work the event on social media.

Rockette Phoebe Pearl wrote an Instagram post expressing her disdain about being forced to perform at Trump’s inauguration.

Image: PHOEBE PEARL/INSTAGRAMSCREENSHOT VIAnypost

Her post reads:

I usually dont use social media to make a political stand but I feel overwhelmed with emotion. Finding out that it has been decided for us that Rockettes will be performing at the Presidential inauguration makes me feel embarrassed and disappointed. The women I work with are intelligent and are full of love and the decision of performing for a man that stands for everything were against is appalling. I am speaking for just myself but please know that after we found out this news, we have been performing with tears in our eyes and heavy hearts #notmypresident

While Pearl says she is only speaking for herself, she implies that many of her fellow Rockettes feel similarly.

A former Rockette wrote an open letter, tweeted out by Ani Maeme, about how devastated she was to hear that Rockettes are being forced to perform.

@jenstatsky More details from former Rockette and contact info for Producers #Inauguration2017#January20th#SwampMonster#Rockettes http://pic.twitter.com/G05ydQmsr5

Animaeme (@animaeme) December 23, 2016

“The Rockettes are not just leggy, happy showgirls. They are dedicated, highly-trained, ridiculously hardworking WOMEN. I love what they stand for,” the former Rockette wrote. “And for them to be paraded in front of a man who has demonstrated a complete lack of respect for women (and has been accused of even worse), flies in the face of everything the women of The Rockettes actually are.”

She continued by urging those in support of the Rockettes to contact the Madison Square Garden Company and the AGVA.

Many who believe the Rockettes shouldn’t have to perform shared their thoughts on social media.

Hey @RadioCity, Don’t force the Rockettes to perform when they despise even the mention of Trump’s name. Don’t do it. #inauguration

steven pasquale (@StevePasquale) December 23, 2016

As a performer in SAG-AFTRA & Equity, I place faith in my union to support me if my work place is unsafe. #AGVA, do your part w/ @Rockettes.

happy sparksidays (@kyliesparks) December 23, 2016

By saying that all full timers are required to perform at the inauguration, the AGVA is suggesting that their employment will be terminated if they do not comply.

However, MSG’s statement means that the social media outrage against this situation was actually productive, since the full time Rockettes are now no longer required to perform at the inauguration. It also presents a new twist: that many of the Rockettes are willing to perform for Trump.

You can read the full email that BroadwayWorld released from “a high-ranking member” of the American Guild of Variety Artists’ administration sent to the Rockettes below:

We have received an email from a Rockette expressing concern about getting “involved in a dangerous political climate” but I must remind you that you are all employees, and as a company, Mr. Dolan obviously wants the Rockettes to be represented at our country’s Presidential inauguration, as they were in 2001 & 2005. Any talk of boycotting this event is invalid, I’m afraid.

We have been made aware of what is going on Facebook and other social media, however, this does not change anything unless Radio City has a change of heart. The ranting of the public is just that, ranting. Everyone has a right to an opinion, but this does not change your employment status for those who are full time.

This has nothing to do with anyone’s political leanings (including AGVA’s), it has to do with your best performance for your employer, period. I will reiterate that if Hillary Clinton was the President-elect, nothing would be different, and there would probably be those who would not want to be involved because of her. It is a job, and all of you should consider it an honor, no matter who is being sworn in. The election is over and this country will not survive if it remains divided.

Everyone is entitled to her own political beliefs, but there is no room for this in the workplace.

If you are not full time, you do not have to sign up to do this work. If you are full time, you are obligated. Doing the best performance to reflect an American Institution which has been here for over 90 years is your job. I hope this pulls into focus the bottom line on this work.

Mashable has reached out to the American Guild of Variety Artists for further comment.

UPDATE: Dec. 23, 2016, 3:05 p.m. EST This post was updated to include a quote from a Madison Square Garden Company spokesperson.

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