#I should probably eat something though
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fully edited section vs just the framework
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My hand is cramping so bad and it’s making me realize I’ve been sitting at my desk writing for nearly eight straight hours. I have no idea when my cat jumped on my lap, but she’s got eraser shavings all over her fur. Whoops.
#erin wont shut up#writing#am writing#this has been my best day in a long time in so many ways#I should probably eat something though
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At the point of not having slept when my limbs feels weird. Not tingly exactly but kinda buzzy and floppy
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I need someone to hear me out:
Domesticated Deathclaws
#considering the theory they were created by the US government (I haven’t been up to date wihh th lore though) they should be genetically#genetically predisposed to companionship with humans#probably more like in a way how people have lions and cougars and gators in their home but still#they had 200 years to domesticate these guys into being something so#merchant livestock deathclaw that hauls goods and is superb defense against raiders?#probably has to imprint on a handler and will only serve that one handler its entire lifetime and must be raised from the egg#what I’m saying is a deathclaw decked out in merchant gear ready to hit the road and make some trades and eat some raiders for dinner#deathclaw#fallout#fallout 4#catspeaks
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Should I draw, or eat dinner. Hmm…
#cb writing stuff#someone help me#i should probably eat#i’m gonna eat#even though i’m feeling inspired#okay okay#actually#i’ll draw something real quick#then i’ll eat#it’s a plan
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How’s life? No pressure question ofc, but if you want to share please feel free to do so with this ask :3
Eh, it doesn't feel all that great right now. I'm tired and hungry a lot, but I just have to get a routine together. My sleep has been wonky, I've been waking up too early, but I feel fine then but it also feels like I can't rest completely- I have dreamless nights mostly. And I also just get annoyed a lot, but it feels better being around people I like.
#my father is upset today too cause I couldn't hang out with him#I talked to a social worker at school a few days ago just for check in and in my opinion I still feel bad even talking to her#it's been a rough week and I'm not sure what to do except deal with it and move on#I like to draw still#I dont want to get tired of it#I mean at least I'm doing productive things like laundry and showering#I'm gonna have spaghetti today that's a good thing#I'll have clean sheets for my bed that's good too#I got presents a day earlier and that's good#I like listing the positives#It kinda gives me ideas for writing#I really wanna eat all these positive things i mean the feeling it gives me in itself#I really love the good things I don't ever want to lose them#I'm actually gonna try to make a doll bunny today#I got dug up old fabrics in my room so I can experiment with something new#I'd list more good things but I'd sound kinda weird doing that in the tags#I should probably journal again but my mind blanks when I try but I'll figure it out#I mean poetry and fanfiction is always an outlet#I gotta practice that more often#There still a ways to go in life so obviously it'll change eventually it always does#And it's only one of many weeks so I can't be too doubtful#It can't always be the worst#Feeling the same feels awful#No matter the emotion it kinda turns numb if you feel it long enough#Days are always changing though since everybody is doing different things everyday all the time#Like most say 'it gets better' eventually#I guess I can wait for a good day#I have no choice sooo I'll let whatever happen#Well technically I can make it happen#I'll feel better when I made myself dinner and cleaned my bed and put away my laundry and put on fuzzy socks and go to sleep
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been working on this stupid complex med-legal case report that our retired senior physician decided to take on and requested my help for that we need to complete ASAP because the counsel wants it expedited and he's pissed and I've been too busy to work on it, so now I'm desperately trying to get it done because I don't want to let him down, and he's just like
#sir I will not be sleeping#if we want this report sent off by Friday#I should probably have something to eat first though#I skipped dinner for this#🔪🔪🔪#kly: personal
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On the rare occasions when we talk about the spectre of veganism you can probably physically tell the amount of psychic damage that we take from seeing people throw out any part of a carcass.
#we speak#hey man you can use that for stuff. there is a use for that. you can use that for things that aren't just letting it rot. sir.#this is maybe part of why we have so many fur scraps but like. you can use that stuff. please use that stuff. we are begging you.#did you know that sinew is useful and can be used for cordage? it's true! you should use it!#do you think that a given part is Useless? you're probably wrong! give it to us. please. we are begging you. please.#we are a very specific type of person and that very specific type of person is the type of guy where improper corpse handling harms us#personally and physically. every time. at least put it in the freezer or something if youre killing it you better be ready to process it#we have very strong and extraordinarily specific opinions on things that have been known to make us disagree with people#the animal will die at some point regardless of whether or not you were the one to kill it#and because you have a big brain and the luxury of most likely not needing to do this to survive#you can grant that animal a relatively swift and painless death and then bring its body to as much use as possible#USE IT. FOR THINGS. PLEASE. WE ARE DYING.#we understand viscerally why failing to field dress an animal in assassins creed kicks you out of the simulation as Out Of Character#we are the same way and every time a piece of media has the protagonists kill a bear or whatever and just Leave The Body There#we are taking large amounts of psychic damage from every single frame#you cannot imagine how much hatred we hold for the existence of prion diseases and the fact that you can't eat meat from CWD deer#killing an animal does not have to be animal cruelty if you're not an idiot#we think that wasting parts of the body SHOULD count as animal cruelty though#not legally for obvious “that would open a legal can of worms that should stay closed” reasons but like. in terms of avoiding it#animals kill and eat each other all the time. its natural. you are an animal and you can kill and eat other animals and they will be tasty#however for the love of whatever god you worship PLEASE put the effort in to actually put the whole carcass to use#it will not make the animal suffer less to refuse to partake in its remains. it only means that those things will go to waste.#a body is not a sacred thing. it should not be treated as specialer than anything else but we think it's disrespectful to not make use of i#for related reasons we have a deep and abiding hatred for the laws that mean we can't choose what to do with our own body after our death
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Was digging through my IAU files and things and found a half-written out scene from the second movie I guess I felt inspired by, I’m tempted to clean it up and post it even though it would be SO out of context
#either way though first I should probably eat something#all I’ve had is water and some nibbles of a cinnamon roll#rambles from the floor#Incredibles au
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Stupid merman smut is making me question my choices and also the English language. Why does this always happen to me?
#wild fic#mere humanus#i think about things too hard and try things out which makes me think more#this is stupid fantasy smut it should not be this though provoking#unless maybe... what if it was also this though provoking to the characters? hmm? what then?#no that's stupid. it already takes them too long before they boink#but... no bad ace you can't follow every whim... but actually though...#and now i'm drawing parallels to aliens but i refuse to write alien smut#catch me eating my words a few months down the line i'm sure but as of right now.#ok i'm jumping head first into the idea I had actually wait i was making it more complicate than it actually wad#or was i??? probably. but maybe not. unfortunately there is not a single person i want to bounce this off of#mostly bc everyone i know will ask for context and klapollo mer smut is not something i will say to someone ik personally
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im home and already swallowed by despair. can you believe i was in CHICAGO a few hours ago. and now im here. lol
#i know i know. and i need to let the anguish motivate me to get out of here. but it feels like i dreamed it all#purrs#chicago#i had a rough time getting out of the hotel and through the airport to my gate and also im bad at math so i fucked up the calculation about#when my flight lands bc of the time zone change and i gave my parents the time in central time not eastern time so my dad was waiting for m#for like a half hour and texting me and i wasn’t answering bc i was still in the air and he was pissed at me and snarky in my texts with hi#and i was sitting there on the plane and could just feel his words ripping into me and the horrors rushing back in and i still haven’t#recovered from it honestly. it wasn’t that big of a deal he just said something that i misunderstood as him saying he was giving up waiting#for me and going home bc id already wasted his time and even though that was not what he actually said it just kinda burrowed into me that#my parents were mad at me and were probably also mad at me for not communicating with them AT ALL the entire time i was in chicago. and it#just was eating me alive. im home now and we haven’t talked about it but they did say things disapproving of the fact that i did a lot of#stuff by myself which i probably shouldn’t have told them. idk. it’s not even that bad i just am torn apart by their rejection of me and#utter inability to just like be happy for me without criticizing some part of it or restraining me. plus the house is just as much of a#biohazard as it was when i left and all the broken things are still broken and it’s like. a lot. i miss the hotel LOL#i think im just sleep deprived and not in my head right today but i do not want to be here. sinking in quicksand unable to breathe. but i#have to be the one to get me out of it and i should have learned how in chicago but i didn’t it was just a break and now im stuck again#delete later#kind of terrible that instead of being so proud and happy about what i did my immediate reaction is to be miserable that im home now lol
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taylor idk who chappell roan is i think that makes me disqualified from being queer forever (←sapphic girl)
She's a musical artist! She's pretty up-and-coming right now and is seen as a wlw queer icon in the music industry, but I've never been able to get into her music even though tons of other sapphics love it. I probably just haven't given it enough of a chance. Casual is a good song though!
#big ol' personal opinions disclaimer down here in the tags. also lisia this is soooo unrelated to your question sorry lol#i also kind of hate a very specific subset of chapelle fans and i can't listen to her without thinking of them dkjfsdkjfnkdsf#which is a really stupid reason to not listen to her music and i know it but alas brains work in weird ways#i don't judge her by her fans! but i just have that tainted association. like how sometimes you feel ill after eating something#and even if that didn't cause you to be sick- you still refuse to eat it afterwards? it's like that#it's not her. she did literally nothing wrong. it's just an unfortunate little brain link that i can't get rid of#saw a couple of fans talking about toxic bisexuals and their 'inferiority complex' and that put me off of her music as a whole tbh#in regards to debates about her sexuality#one was talking about how bisexuals 'marry the patriarchy'.#quote-'bisexuals have freddy mercury. that alone is all you need' :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i'm going to bite someone.#it's like these few specific fans were tailor made to put me off of her#unfortunately i have not gotten past that yet but if i ever can undo that brain association and enjoy her music i will let yall know ksdjks#unfortunately as of right now i am programmed to see her name and think of the (probably very few) jackasses in her fandom#just kinda made me feel unwelcome when i was trying out her music a bit more sadly#it was never her as an artist or a person. just a few idiots but it was enough#idk. i should try again though. chapelle fans. which songs should i try to start again with?#anyways i should probably stop swinging the bat at the biphobia nest lest it come back to bite me but dkjfdksjf yeah tldr she's a musician#a very talented one! just one that i cannot enjoy quite yet. i hope i can kinda defrost about it though
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#I THINK THAT I FIGURED IT OUTTT#thanks to a Crossway article that showed up in my email last night and a Credo Magazine article from 2016#that I read while eating lunch when I probably should've been studying for my earth science exam coming up!!!#'solA scriptura' does not necessarily equal 'solO scriptura'!!!#to quote the article#that's what's been bugging me!!!!!#I also read a couple articles on the need to read and study medieval and patristic theology as well as modern theology#and that made me realize that like. I thought everyone understood that.#a really big part of the last 5-8ish years for me as been digging around in church history poking at augustine and anselm#and all those guys#(though I haven't read any of them in-depth yet; was too busy killing myself in an attempt to save money for college)#so like. I kinda forgot that tons of prots/evangelicals DON'T see that as a given and actually kinda avoid it???#like apparently a lot of them don't read the church fathers at all and also they basically avoid the creeds#which is bizarre to me bc that's a big thing that grounds me when I feel like I can't see straight (faith-wise) anymore.#the historical context and nature of my faith.#so HM YEAH THINKING ABOUT THIS#also this kinda confirms for me something that I've been really thinking about a lot lately#which is that when we try to understand concepts that come from a historical context#we should like really really really put effort into understanding the historical context that they came out of#not just grabbing the concept and running with it. whether we agree or disagree with the concept itself.#we can learn a lot about studying the ideas within their historical context bc ideas don't just spring into being within a vacuum!!!#and this is important re: the Reformation and the solas especially because those beliefs were meant as a COUNTER to things happening#in the mainline/Catholic church *at the time*#sola scriptura was meant as a COUNTER to holding papal authority over or at least as high as scriptural authority#not to say like 'oh the bible is LITERALLY THE ONLY THING WE SHOULD EVER REFERENCE EVER NO EXCEPTIONS'#history and tradition is important and necessary in all religions! otherwise you just keep doing the same work over and over again#(obviously the fathers weren't right on everything but like. it's silly to avoid them. ya know.)#delete later#gurt complains at college#<< should make that an actual tag for my rants and rambles while i'm here lol :')
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my parents are talking about food/catering stuff bc theyre the main volunteers to organize lunches for theater stuff
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the fact that they use me and my friends as examples of 'picky eaters' TwT
#marble musings#cuz apparently my dad talked to ppl in robotics and they idk ate other stuff#but#idk pre portioned food probably leads to more food waste#not to mention tech theater is almost entirely neurodivergent people literally what did you expect#(also my mom was like 'why would i get vegetarian pizza' TwT i think she fully forgets ppl have dietary restrictions#kinda odd coming from the lady with a lactose and gluten intolerance and an allergy to msg of all things)#also#time to play the game of:#will orion have food for the rest of the week#hahahahahaha /neg#probably not#hopefully i can get snacks for the rest of the week bc techs goin pretty late#and i can almost garuntee my friends will either forget to bring snacks#or go 'ehh ill live'#uhh and they justifiably probably dont want food thats been hand picked by an almond mom#sooo#idk i just want goldfish or something i genuinely havent had those in like 2 years TwT#just let me be fucking normal for once#ughhh#ok this is a#vent#post now TwT#ok time to do my homework#even though i should probably eat something more than just cabbage for dinner#whatevvvver#illllll livvvvvve#/sar
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#OUghh... I've been really sick the past few days like not able to keep food down and had to go to the hospital#to get iv fluids and etc. to stay hydrated lol...#perhaps some sort of stomach virus or something. but still very grrrr for it to happen in the middle of the evil summer of#course#when everything is hot and uncomfortable anyway.. I really wanted to get a sims video and costume pictures finished this week and keep#up writing like 1000 ish words a day for my game. but.. alas... the universe was like... I Think Not#I at least have been able to have some tea and juice and applesauce and like 4 saltine crackers today so#I always think it's funny when you're ill what sort of little things count as successes#like on any normal day eating a few crackers would just be something you don't even give a second thought#to . But when you're really sick it's like .. WOW.. I ate TWO crackers.. amazing.. huzzah... I should get an award certainly#call the press and alert them. I should be in the newspaper headlines for this harrowing feat. etc. lol#I still feel very shaky and weak though.. but am like... hhhhh... when can I work on my projects again...#Also I literaly never leave the house or have contact with anyone so maybe it's not a virus and was more food poisioning or something#since I'm not sure where I'd get a virus even but... regardless... stinky#just complaining since I suppose that is what personal blogs are for lol. I'm a private person in the sense of wanting to proect my identi#ty and like.. I dont want an alexa in my house listening to me all the time and I dont tag my real location on social media or share photos#that could reveal the front of my house or etc. etc. But in all other senses I really don't beleive in holding stuff in. Because it will#just fester. especially when it has to do with other people (like relationship issues or something) but even when its just stuff that only#has to do with you. If something annoys me then I shall let it be openly known. if I'm bothered it will be clear. etc.#Which I guess makes me seem like a Hater And Complainer but I guess I just feel like its better over all to explain and express openly#than to just silently stew and hold everything in and then probably feel worse for it later or something.#Expressing annoyance is kind of like casting the concept off from yourself and releasing it into the wild so that you're not harboring it#anymore. all grievances must be aired eventually. etc. this is a Pro complaining zone lol#If you feel like shit dont hide it. just go 'man I feel like shit'. etc. etc. Cast it off into the universe. be free#ANYWAY... aughhh......... the wizard has fallen ill in his stinky little tower.. pacing the stone floors in tattered robes. hair disheveled#. carefully sipping a single cup of tea over the course of an hour lest drinking too fast upset his fragile stomachs againe..
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something just like snapped in the back of my head like i Need to go like curl up in my room for like 5 days and play video games and not speak to like anyone
#^ guy who is not out of a depressive ep like he thought he sorta was#dont even like particularly feel the old urge of the anxiety/need to hurt my relationships like i used to..i just feel like shit.#short list of people i think i could handle like really speaking to rn but ultimately. i just want to be somewhere safe and easy#even if that feeling is like making me feel sorta suicidal still.#just dont have it in me to like figure out how to act normal right now. something i have to do around most people and nearly everyone#i intreact with irl right now#not healthy. Ofc naturally i know this. and i can push through it. im just not excited about it.#the exhaustion to like contain myself is greater than my lonliness even though that is rather large#and i would like to get this out of my system before like. the semester starts next week. which i know i cant like control but whatever#this is all sooooo stupid. i need to be alone but i need compaionship of someone i trust.#it feels like there is glue in my mouth and i can barely speak to people im not close with bc of how exhausted and anxious i am#man. thearpy is like. going to really . idk. probably not help my mood. bc it has been hard for me to word what has been happening to me#and im always so scared of saying something that will get me hosptizaled again. Even when it shouldnt. bc im not going to do anything.#but i am scared and tired simply. and while so much has gotten better and ive gotten so much better there are some things that i just.#cant seem to figure out how to fix or ask for help. whatever. Guy who is stupid and helpless and will have to just get over it at some poin#sry i just feel like shit. i should probably just eat something i havent been eating much. and then i will probably feel a bit better#news with isaac
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