#I should not be in pain all the time
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currently the worst part my health rapidly declining is that I have barely any energy at all and the energy I do have is spent on booking drs appointments, arranging with specialists, organising all of my medical records and history to bring to new drs, submitting applications for disability support, getting blood drawn for genetic tests, etcetera. I don't have time to do anything except be sick, and I don't even know what I'm fucking sick with
#chronic pain#chronic illness#chronic fatigue#disability#chronically ill#chronic fatigue syndrome#fibromyalgia#multiple sclerosis#pots syndrome#<- tagging bc I am currently being investigated for all of these but have no idea what it actually it#could be all of them or could be none#my only official diagnosis is#joint hypermobility#and#sleep apnea#but there is something far worse happening here#I should not be in pain all the time#as of this week I am a new#cane user#bc I can't fucking walk for 5 minutes without getting sore and dizzy and tired#I'm just so tired#rant
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i think everyone who's ever had migraines should be financially compensated forever btw
#camera talks#disability stuff#this is for my chronic migraine girlies (gn) <3#i think we should all get 1 million million dollars everyday actually#this is the worst fucking night of my life (everytime i have migraines) (specifically rn tho)#chronic pain#chronic migraine#migraines#chronically ill#disabled#disclaimer because idk I’ve got a lot of notes on this#I have diagnosed chronic migraines. I used to have them 5-6 times a week#now with medication on a good week I’ll only be affected 2-3 days#on bad weeks it’s much worse#anyways don’t doubt my condition I know what I’m talking about thx
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Burning Rotten Bridges
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#mianmian#nie mingjue#jin guangyao#JGY is nothing but outwardly calm and carrying on his duties as the chair for the meeting#but in that small pause after Nie Mingjue commemorates Mianmian for leaving...you can feel the tension.#Because Nie Mingjue comes from a place of privilege. He's always been in a position where his legitimacy and political standing-#-were never challenged. He didn't have to fight for respect. He was born into this world respected.#For people like Mianmian and JGY who clawed their way up from the bottom...this is a huge deal.#Truth be told I have a lot of things to say about what it means and feels to be in a position where leaving is messy.#There are times where the situation is bad but to leave means that those years of your life will have been for nothing.#That all the other suffering incurred will be fruitless. So you just *keep going*. Because it *has* to be worth it.#Because going back to what you were before is even more terrifying than the hell you are boiling in.#My concrete example for this is post-grad academia.#Because that cohort will have spent over a decade pursuing a goal and leaving means...well...it means throwing away those years.#It means losing (likely nearly all) your connections. It means going into debt you'll never pay off.#It means putting up with some pretty heinous abuse from your supervisor because what are you suppose to do? Leave?#Leaving is for those with the privilege to have options.#And even if you do have options...#Ultimately we would rather love the pain we know than risk the unknown. Hoping it's worth it one day.#With that mindset established; never say JGY should have just left like Mianmian. He couldn't. This was what he dedicated his life to.#He never had the option. Even if it seemed like he did - no he did not. He never conceived this ending ever happening for himself.
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"Huh."
#as with every game with some human mind stuffed into a machine i need to ask if he still has human instinct left in there somewhere#also i don't really think ordan would eat elegantly like some royalties anyways#you know the more i read about ordis the more i like him#i mean i never thought his talking is annoying like some people do apparently#but after going through the cephalon fragment thingy my thoughts about him-#-turned from “ominously happy” to “murderous but also kinda cute happy”#and you'd think it should be the other way around#hey if he has erased his memory a lot of times and probably has gone through the same reasoning-#-every time he chooses memory erasure rather than self destruction because he would probably also remember the previous attempts#will he someday choose the other option instead because of all the pain he endured?#(hopefully not i actually like him it's not destiny 2 i hope DE don't just yeet characters off their game that frequently)#also i like how he can take up some ordan karris knowledge by treating it as some stories / facts about others but not about himself#neat but he probably would have to erase his memories more often because it's still about ordan karris i guess#warframe#warframe operator#warframe ordis#ordis#my art
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Guess who's baaaaack! It's me, I'm back to writing. My laptop when kaput back in May and I've only recently gotten a replacement. In celebration of this, here's more of stasis in darkness. Enjoy :)
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“Hello. I’ve wanted to meet you for years,” the god said.
“Years? But, why would you want–? I’m–I’m no one, Lord.”
“Don’t say that.”
The god’s voice hadn’t gotten louder, yet his words carried a force that made the room tremble. The air became heavy with it. Wayne’s breathing grew haggard under the pressure of the words. Steve tossed out any idea of false privacy and crossed the room in a few steps to kneel at the other side of the bed. He took Wayne’s free hand to anchor him. Wayne didn’t so much as twitch in his direction but his knuckles went white as he gripped Steve’s hand.
“You gave me your spoils and your stories every night. I felt your love in every word you spoke to me. You’re the reason I’ve been able to exist this long. Wayne Munson, you are the most important person in the world to me."
Wayne let out a wordless cry. The hand in Steve's shook. Steve viscerally remembered how it felt to have the god’s attention like that for the first time. He also remembered how guilty the god sounded after he realized the effect he had on mortals. With a slight grimace, Steve discreetly nabbed the Lord of Night's attention.
"I think that was a little too much," Steve suggested cautiously in a low tone barely audible over Wayne's sobs. "Maybe dial it back a little?"
The Lord of Night nodded abashedly. When he spoke again, the pressure in his speech noticeably lessened though the love in his words remained.
“So, you see, I needed to meet you in person. To thank you.”
The last part made Wayne weep louder. The grip he had on Steve’s hand increased in strength, and Steve was sort of relieved Wayne was an old man because even this frail, his hands were pretty damn strong. If he’d been any younger, Steve would’ve had bruises for sure. The god waited patiently as Wayne collected himself.
“My Lord, y-you–” Wayne gasped as his crying subsided. “I don’t deserve–”
“Wayne, you crazy old man, are you going to argue with your god?” the Lord of Night said in the same teasing tone he used with Steve all those nights in his pilgrimage. Wayne’s eyes widened.
“N-No! I’d never–!”
The god laughed, playful and bright as a star. Wayne halted his protests to stare in awe again.
“You know, I usually encourage a bit of dissent but this time, I’m putting my foot down. You do deserve this, okay?”
Wayne nodded dazedly. He still watched the god with soft, warm eyes. His hand twitched in Steve’s as if he wanted to reach up to touch the god. Steve loosened his grip to allow it but Wayne didn’t follow through with the motion.
“...you remind me of someone,” Wayne whispered. The Lord of Night tilted his head curiously.
“Do I?” he asked. At Wayne’s nod, he added, “I hope it’s someone good. I know what people say about me these days, and let me tell you, it’s not super flattering. King of Darkness this and monster herder that, blah, blah, mean and scary, blah.”
“I know better than to pay any mind to hearsay,” Wayne replied. "I’ve found that most people are fools, my Lord."
The Lord of Night laughed again. Wayne looked delighted.
The rest of the night continued along the same line. The Lord of Night listened eagerly to Wayne’s every word as he reminisced about past heists and recalled fond childhood memories. Steve kept to himself, for the most part, letting the Lord of Night and his last believer bask in each other’s presence. Wayne stayed awake as long as he could but finally fell asleep as dawn approached. The Lord of Night began to fade as the first rays of the morning peeked through the bedroom window.
“Watch over him for me, please?” the Lord of Night asked Steve. “I’ll be back tonight.”
“Of course, Lord,” Steve replied.
The sun broke past the horizon and the Lord of Night vanished. Steve took the stone from the bedside table. He wrapped it up carefully in cloth before returning it to his satchel. That level of care probably wasn’t necessary considering it was solid stone but it was the only thing they knew would keep the god tethered to this plane so far from his last shrine. Steve was charged with carrying his god's tether and he would not let him down by being careless with it.
It was also the only thing he had been given that belonged to his god. Typically, a holy warrior would be granted a symbol of their faith by a temple priest once a god had accepted the holy warrior’s offered service. Most of the time it would be a simple pendant or bracelet with a god’s sigil; a mass produced thing any follower could obtain, the only difference being that a holy warrior’s token would carry a particular blessing from the high priest. A holy warrior would carry that as a sign of their commitment until they’ve earned a more prestigious item to replace it during their years of service.
Steve’s journey so far has been as atypical as it could get. Most warriors traveled to their god's grandest temple. They recited that god's specific prayer for a holy warrior's offering, witnessed by a high priest who would then reveal whether the offering was accepted. Steve's god had no official prayers of any sort, much less temples or clergy. Steve's god couldn't really remember his own symbol aside from a vague outline of it; not nearly enough for it to be inscribed on even the simplest of tokens.
Regardless, Steve wouldn't trade his experience for anything. Most holy warriors toiled for years, even decades, before getting a chance to meet their god. Steve met his god nearly at the beginning though he hadn't known it at the time. He'd been able to see him and speak to him. Steve’s humble offering of servitude had been accepted directly by his god rather than by priestly proxy. So what if his god wasn't able to grant him a token for his pledge? His presence was a privilege Steve would take over any boon.
It was a sentiment Steve knew Wayne understood. Steve scooted his chair closer to the bed where the old man lay sleeping. He wrapped a hand around Wayne's wrist to track his weak pulse, and settled in for his vigil.
–
Steve woke Wayne a handful of times to make sure he drank some water or ate some of the vegetable soup Steve had thrown together using whatever he’d picked from the garden the day before. They chatted for a while; Wayne telling Steve about his life before age and sickness caught up to him. Eventually, Steve was able to coax him back to sleep when it became obvious his energy was fading.
At some point in the day, Wayne’s temperature began to rise. Nothing worrisome yet, but dread trickled into Steve’s veins regardless. The old man had been fighting whatever ailed him for a while now. If a fever overcame him, Steve doubted Wayne would survive it.
When the Lord of Night appeared alongside the fading sunset, he seemed as worried as Steve. Wayne sat in bed, propped up by pillows Steve had strategically placed. His eyes were rheumy but steady.
“You’ve seen the Door already, haven’t you?” the Lord of Night asked Wayne dejectedly.
Wayne’s gaze strayed from the god. He glanced at the corner opposite of the bedroom door. His hands shook as he tried to point that direction. Steve didn't see any door there. The god took Wayne's hand between his own, tangible to his last believer even as he appeared more translucent than the night before.
“It showed up earlier today,” Wayne whispered. The god nodded.
“You don’t have to answer yet, but soon. Once you go through the Door, you’ll be in Death's domain. No god is allowed to enter there besides him. I would have lost my chance to meet you if we’d been delayed any longer.”
“Good thing you have Ser Steve. He got you here real quick from what he told me,” Wayne said with a crooked smile.
“Has he been talking himself up?” the god asked amusedly. “Trying to impress the boss?”
“It’s my first quest,” Steve butted in with mild exasperation borne of embarrassment. He hadn’t expected Wayne to mention him at all during his communion with the Lord of Night. “I have to make a good impression.”
“To make up for the first impression, huh?” the Lord of Night teased.
Oh no, Steve thought when he caught Wayne’s curious look. He wanted to hide his face in his hands. That would be childish. Steve was a man so he was above that, unfortunately.
“Wayne,” the Lord of Night said with palpable mischief. “In exchange for all the stories you’ve given me these many years, what if I told you how I got my very first holy warrior?”
“I didn’t know better,” Steve groaned weakly in an effort to stop the story before it began in earnest. The Lord of Night made a shushing motion in his direction.
“It would be a privilege, Lord,” Wayne said with matching mischief.
“Settle in, my loyal follower, and listen closely,” the Lord of Night began with exuberance. “I call this tale The Trial of Nine Nights.”
The rest of the night, the god recounted Steve’s pilgrimage. The way he told it painted Steve as some sort of gallant hero. It was suspenseful and whimsical. It didn’t sound like Steve’s experience at all. Yet every word was true, told with a flair that Steve himself would never have imagined. Wayne had hung on his god’s every word, despite the sporadic interruptions caused by coughing fits.
“The way you tell stories…” Wayne said faintly between coughs as the story wound to an end. “You…really do remind me of…someone. My little starmaker*. He was…” His voice trailed off weakly as he tried to catch his breath again.
“Rest now. Tell me about him tonight, Wayne,” the Lord of Night commanded as he disappeared with the arrival of dawn.
Wayne’s temperature seemed to climb with the sun. Steve did what he could to help. He stripped the bed of blankets and draped cold, damp towels over Wayne’s brow. More than once Wayne had asked Steve to answer the door.
“Someone’s knocking,” Wayne insisted.
“I’ve checked already,” Steve lied. He hadn’t heard a single knock all day, much less one coming from the very door-less spot Wayne kept indicating. “No one’s there.”
Wayne drifted in and out of a restless slumber. Despite Steve’s efforts, the fever had not lowered by nightfall. The Lord of Night paced at the foot of Wayne’s bed with a caged restlessness. Wayne had yet to wake up.
“I don’t think he’s going to make it. Can you do anything for him?” Steve asked, hesitantly. “You came here to help him, didn’t you?”
“No,” the Lord of Night said shortly. “I can’t. I’m not a god of medicine. I’m not a healer.”
Each word was said with increasingly helpless frustration.
“I’m not strong enough to calm his dreams. I can’t ease his pain,” the Lord of Night said angrily. “At this rate, I won’t even be able to apologize to him.”
“Apologize for what?” Steve asked incredulously. Steve’s question went unheard. The Lord of Night tugged at his hood as if trying to hide his not-face. He gave up his pacing and slumped defeatedly on the chair beside Wayne’s bed.
“His family has sustained me for so long. He’s so devoted to me, and I keep failing him,” the god said, voice thick with shame. The brooding silence that followed was unlike the Lord of Night’s usual demeanor.
Steve wanted to protest the god’s claim. He was tempted to ask why the god believed he’d failed his last follower. Steve had seen people who’ve scorned and rejected their gods for a multitude of reasons. Wayne had not behaved like any of those people. Wayne had been so happy to see the god, Steve couldn’t imagine Wayne wanting an apology of any sort.
Before Steve could steel himself to ask, Wayne finally stirred awake.The Lord of Night straightened and drew the chair closer to his last follower. Steve situated himself near the corner Wayne had claimed to see a door. There wasn’t anything Steve could realistically achieve by placing himself between Wayne and the unseen door. When Death’s Door knocked, there was nothing a mortal being could do to keep it from opening. Regardless, Steve hoped he could provide some semblance of comfort by standing guard.
Wayne’s eyes were glassy. He lay limp and disoriented, making not a sound outside his labored breathing. Neither the Lord of Night nor Steve spoke. Steve didn’t want to startle the man nor bring his attention to the unseen door. After a few minutes, Wayne finally noticed his bedside companion.
“You,” he croaked in a daze. “I know you.”
“Yeah, it’s me.” The somber tone went unnoticed by Wayne whose entire face brightened with an unexpected joy.
“Eddie,” Wayne said shakily.
“What?”
“Eddie, you’re here,” Wayne said with more love and joy than Steve had ever heard from another person. He felt a momentary flash of envy that someone could hold another so dear, before it hit him that Wayne was speaking to the Lord of Night. The god seemed as dumbstruck as Steve over it.
“Is…is that me?” the Lord of Night asked. The god sounded so young and lost. It reminded Steve of Dustin and his friends when they were small. It inspired all the same protective instincts.
“‘course it’s you, Eddie,” Wayne said fondly.
“Eddie,” the Lord of Night whispered. “Oh, it is. It is me. I’m here.”
The words rang through the air. The finality in them nearly deafened Steve. The words were a realization that shifted the entire cosmos. The air he breathed, the light he saw, the very world he perceived had changed fundamentally. It was a change so loud and obvious, Steve was certain every human left on earth and everyone beyond the Door knew it happened. Yet between one blink and the next, the world remained the same as it ever was. Everything that had been still was and would continue to be for as long as the stars burn.
Inexplicably, Steve experienced a bout of vertigo at the shift that had and hadn’t happened. He fought back a wave of nausea that accompanied it.
“Eddie,” Wayne rasped over the rattling of his weak lungs. No longer translucent, the god appeared solid and real in a way he hadn’t even at the shrine where Steve first encountered him. Wayne’s wrinkled hand reached out to gently cup the Lord of Night’s cheek.
"Hey, Uncle Wayne," the Lord of Night said with a new voice.
"My starmaker, I missed you. So much. But how're you here? You were gone, you di–"
"We didn't want you to be alone," Eddie, Lord of Night, responded thickly, leaning into the hand and covering it with his own. "We wanted to thank you for taking care of us all these years."
"Don’t,” Wayne wheezed, teary. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Eddie. You deserved so much more than your pa or me ever gave you."
"No! No, Uncle Wayne, don't apologize," he said earnestly. "You were perfect. You gave us a home when pa died. We were so little and you protected us. You loved us. That's all we ever wanted."
“Oh, Eddie,” Wayne said in a heartbroken rasp. “That damn door’s been knocking all day. Who'll take care of you when I'm gone, Eddie?"
"Don't you worry about that, Uncle Wayne. Steve's gonna look after me.”
“Are you sure?”
The Lord of Night took off his hood and turned back to look at Steve for the first time since he sat himself at Wayne’s side. All the air left Steve’s lungs in one fell swoop. His god had a face.
His god was beautiful.
The Lord of Night’s skin remained pale, providing a stark contrast to his large, dark brown eyes glittered with bittersweet joy and sorrow. His lips, full and a soft shade of pink, were pulled into a wide, mischievous grin that dimpled his cheeks. His dark eyebrows were almost hidden under wild curls. His hair draped over the slope of his shoulders and matched his eyes wonderfully.
Steve willed himself to stay steadfast and strong under the god’s gaze. The Lord of Night’s grin twisted a bit as if he wasn't entirely pleased by what he saw. The nausea from before came back because Steve knew what people looked like when he'd disappointed them. As usual, he had no idea what he'd done wrong.
“Yeah, I’m sure. He already promised,” Eddie, the Lord of Night, said. He turned back to Wayne and gently wiped the sweat off the old man's brow.
“Good,” Wayne said with a. “You need someone takin’ care of you, the way you get in trouble all the time.”
“We weren’t that bad,” Eddie said with a watery smile. After a pause, Eddie continued reluctantly. “Uncle Wayne, if you need to answer the Door, you can. I won’t be alone.”
“Yeah,” Wayne murmured. “I’m tired, Eddie.”
“You won’t be for long, I promise, just answer the Door.”
Wayne’s breathing slowed. His eyes drooped closed. Eddie clung to his hand until it went lax. A choked sound escaped him when Wayne’s breathing stopped. Steve instinctively stepped forward to comfort him but Eddie abruptly stood up, sending the chair clattering to the floor. He whirled around and stumbled towards the empty space Steve left behind.
“You better take care of him. Wayne is a good man, he’s earned–” Eddie said to…the wall? But stopped and reeled back. His mouth curved down in a scowl. Eddie’s eyes were dark and glowering as he stared at something there that Steve himself could not see.
“Oh, fuck you, I know I can’t do anything to you but–”
Eddie stopped again. He looked like he wanted to punch something. Or someone?
“I just want to know that he’ll be happy and saf–hey, asshole, I’m still talking you, don’t you dare– FUCK,” Eddie shouted at nothing. He panted in anger. Steve cleared his throat.
“My Lord?”
“I forgot how much of a dick he is. It’s not like I was asking for details! I don’t fucking care what’s past his stupid Door. It’s not a crime to want your family to, like, go somewhere good after. He could’ve just said yes or no!” Eddie ranted.
“My Lord, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“Oh,” Eddie paused. “Right. You wouldn’t. And you shouldn’t. Not yet. Not for a long time, hopefully.”
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*starmaker - so this is a reference to some lore i dropped in the previous scene during some edits I made after I had posted it on tumblr. basically, the legend explains why bedtime stories are a thing and that the lord of night creates a star for every story that impresses him. a really good book or author will get called a starmaker, though to the general population it's just a thing people say to denote greatness in stories without context of where the saying came from.
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and now we're all caught up with what i've written so far, wow! but don't worry, i still have plenty more to write, stay tuned.
#trensu tells stories#stranger things#steddie#steve harrington#wayne munson#eddie munson#stasis in darkness#in other news#during my time being laptop-less i got top surgery done!#and i'm finally all healed up so i can move around without pain and i have full range of motion again#now with a laptop and being free of post-surgery incumberance#i'm very excited to be writing again#i mean look! we finally got eddie's name back!! he's got a face!! steve is absolutely smitten even though he doesn't know it yet!!#listen he's convinced that this is a normal emotional reaction to a god okay? he's never done the religion thing before#he doesn't know any better!#anyway now that we got eddie's name back we're going to go off on adventures! we'll be meeting other gods it's gonna be fun i promise#but it's 1am now and i should probably go to bed so that'll have to wait for now
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There's something about blurryface (album) that's kind of like. Sticky. In the way that your skin is sticky when it's summer and it's past midnight and you have the window open to try to sleep but it's still too warm. Or, sticky, in the way that your hands are clammy when it's drop dead winter and you're driving around someone else's suburb, looking down the weird little leftover alleys between houses and wondering if something's going to be standing there looking back at you. And you are profoundly lonely. And you walk to a gas station, it's september maybe, and everything smells like spilled gasoline and stale cigarette smoke and there's brightly colored trash in all the gutters and all the neon signs glare off the asphalt, and when you go into the convenience store the single employee looks at you like maybe there's something weird about you, but you don't know what it is. Too quiet, maybe. Something wrong with your face. You don't smile enough. You don't want to be smiled at. It's dark all the time. But it's also springtime and the sky is pink and everything feels fleshy and delicate and rabbit-esque (tiny little heartbeats bursting everywhere), and you pick the first dandelion you see growing through the sidewalk cracks and it gets sticky milk all over your fingers. And you are profoundly lonely. You're pretending things would be better if you lived in a city where it rained more often and you could feel the hum of passing train tracks under your feet, but the truth is you're going to be lonely everywhere you go because there's this sticky ugly hollowness in you that you can't wash off no matter how hard you scrub. And maybe it would be better if you drove back home and closed the window and never left your house again and let all the lightbulbs die because something about the dark hurts less. You're running from something. What is it? Why can't you ever quite catch your breath? Why are you so sure this all has to end badly? You grew up but haven't yet learned how to grow out of anything. It's dark all the time here. Your face isn't the right one but there are no other faces. Your skin is sticky and you can't sleep. You are profoundly lonely.
#twenty one pilots#blurryface#tyler joseph#josh dun#this is based off a thing i wrote years ago and lost#smashed it out in 10 minutes and im not editing it bc my brain is fried#doing bad. i want to eat goner. hometown only song of all time. that's the post#also this should be a separate post probably & not just tags but#thinking about. how a lot of pilots pre trench is about wanting to run away from something (usually yourself)#and midwest indigo says actually we can't play that game anymore we grew up too much#stressed out is like. when you hit the part of your 20s where it truly sinks in your childhood is over#and mourning that#and midwest indigo is the next step kinda. where youre confronting the painful mundanities of adulthood and adult relationships#i think a lot about pilots being a Growing Up band bc i have grown up with them but also because they get it right
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... peace on planet bottom, then there's whatever this is
#i am wondering about the chocolate roses#was the first half of the crew working on those roses on valentines day#and now the second half of the crew is making them on white day?#no... that's not logical... maybe they were all working on them around the same time#but the images of their activities is only released to us on these specific holidays#did eiden pull a 'when i worked briefly as a cake decorator they taught me how to make these cool choco roses'?#and everyone in the clan got a Aha! moment and wanted to make their own roses. in some grand cake for eiden??#they are all doing edible arts and crafts. idk how they were separated by sex position but sometimes things work out that way. i guess.#[side eyes the strange dimensional portal that segregates them.] this portal can only induce pain (in me)#but maybe... the rose dante is holding away from blade is his PERFECTED sample?#and he's seen how blade has been steadily adding things to the roses. glitter. inedible things. strange divots and patterns#blade has the ABILITY to make perfect identical roses like a production line. but will he do it? no. not cute#every rose should have some personality. a little flair. a little lumpy petal here and there#and dante is all NO . you may perceive this lesser specimen (Rose B) as a distraction. but my true aim is preserve the integrity of Rose A#the bottoms were making their roses in the daytime. the tops are partying at night. what does this mean#will they all welcome eiden home at midnight (he was out on some bland social gathering with aster and huffy nobles?)???? WITH ROSE CAKE?#but quincy has meat. why he got meat? to keep morale high? because he's not a fan of sweets? because his creature friends preFER meat?#well. meat and cake. not a bad way to party the night away#but the... wine? champagne? pls dont tell me theyve been drinking. do not give the tops alcohol. BAD things will happen#so many stressed eiden dolls.... i wish him peace... maybe one day he can lie peacefully on a bed of roses and not be set on fire#he would have to risk it during a daytime bottoms outing. apparently (and even then the risk is still not nonexistent)#(mostly because edmond+food creates an uncharacteristic uptick in disasters. plus the puppy exuberance. plus rei . just rei)#(once again i feel sorry for oli. is he the only one with a metaphorical eiden doll fire extinguisher? we should do a plot twist.#make OLI the one to accidentally set eiden doll on fire. and garu extinguishes it. enrich their experiences with novelty and unlikely stats#this image was brought to my attention by a puppy hellbent on showing me yakumo's distressed expression#can't say i'm displeased with it
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Siffrin plays Disco Elysium AU: Featuring backseat gamer Loop.
#in stars and time#ISAT#Siffrin#Loop#disco elysium#digital art#When I first thought of a crossover I went from 1) 'ISAT Disco AU but Loop is all of the skills'#To: 2) 'Loop is in the mindspace alongside the skills#To my magnum opus: 3)'Loop is sitting next to Siffrin backseat gaming him the whole time.'#Loop beat Disco Elysium ages ago and repeated it to the point they know all the vision quests and dialogue variables.#Siffrin just started playing and Loop keeps ruining the fun by using their meta-game knowledge to try and help.#Also let's be real. Siffrin's stats are 100% completely focused into motorics and nothing else.#If we can't Savoir Faire ourselves of this situation - we will explode. Endurance? Call my insurance instead.#Thinking skills? None. Emotional intelligence and morale? A failed social interaction canonically feels like death to them.#I might have bumped Phys up but...Siffrin's Electrochem stat is like -10. And Pain Threshold is emotional durability too.#Unused part of this joke is that I set their signature skill to Drama.#Both these games made my brain melt so now I get to combine them! I have that power!#This joke made me laugh the entire 3 hours I sat down and drew it and that is what creation should be about.
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I used to have a really hard time bringing up the fact that I graduated from high school a year late without feeling the need to explain why and insisting that it wasn't my fault while simultaneously kicking myself for how much I sounded like I was just making excuses for something I should take responsibility for.
Then I watched Dimension 20's "The Seven" and suddenly I could simply say that I was a super senior.
The first time I heard the phrase "super senior" was in reference to Antiope Jones, a Black girl who had been held back a year after getting kidnapped and imprisoned by members of a fundamentalist cult, and like, girl, same.
So, since then, instead of anxiously spinning out any time I tried to tell a personal high school anecdote, I could just say I was a super senior, and then my brain would auto complete that statement with "like Antiope Jones" and I'd feel good about myself because Antiope Jones Is That Bitch.
That's what the problem had been the whole time. I wasn't worried about how other people would perceive me; I had been struggling with how I perceived myself.
Thanks, Aabria.
#representation matters#especially absolutely batshit and (hopefully) unintentional representation because bitch what the fuck#antiope jones#aabria iyengar#dimension 20 the seven#dimension 20#WARNING: Religious trauma/parental neglect/trauma-induced mental illness beyond this point!#no I'm serious I wasn't joking about the whole identifying with getting kidnapped and imprisoned by fundamentalists thing#shit's fucked; you have been warned#ok so I didn't get kidnapped but I did spend my entire childhood cloistered against my will by my fundamentalist parents#I was home-schooled from grades K-8 and then went to Christian online school from grades 9-11#homeschooling isn't neglectful but my neglectful parents wouldn't have been able to isolate me without it#by grade 11 my mental health had deteriorated so much that I spent most of my time in bed dissociating and stopped doing any schoolwork#my parents correctly assumed the isolation was finally getting to me and enrolled me in a local private Christian school for grade 12#it should have taken me more than a year to complete all my grade 12 classes + a handful of incomplete grade 11 classes & a grade 10 class#but as it turns out I am in fact also That Bitch and did it all in one academic year#I still genuinely thought I was lazy until quarantine showed me that EVERYONE gets fucked up after years of social isolation (wild huh)#Tags! Now with MORE BONUS TRAUMA! (brace yourself haha; Teeth CW)#it's important to me that Antiope is tall because the effects of the isolation and neglect were so pervasive that they stunted my growth#I'm of reasonable height for an adult at first glance (5'3) but I would have been a hell of a lot closer to 6'2 that's for damn sure#if you stare at me for too long I start to look like an animated scale model of a much taller person (because I kinda am lol)#everything about me is teensy except for my absolutely massive teeth#I had to get four extracted because they couldn't all fit#not wisdom teeth just four straight up regular healthy adult teeth had to be extracted due to a painful lack of space for teeth that big#I'm not sure if my teeth are the only thing that grew to normal size or if they're extra big because of some other pituitary fuckery#and yeah being tiny isn't that weird but people have always made a big deal about just how weirdly tiny I am#like kids younger than me used to carry me around like a doll#and now decades later I've learned about Psychosocial Short Stature and it all makes sense haha oop#anyways#told you shit's fucked
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Rottmnt! Leo and TMNT 2012! Leo meeting in my head would only go one way:
Rottmnt! Leo, who grew up without the weight of being the leader or the pressure of being the "perfect" role model, finds himself in a new position as leader. While he’s naturally good at it, he’s not as practiced as TMNT 2012! Leo, who has spent his whole life carrying that responsibility. His brothers admire TMNT 2012! Leo's seriousness, his leadership skills, and the way he’s always in control. Rottmnt! Leo can’t help but feel that that Leo is everything he should’ve been—a better leader, the one who could keep everyone safe and make the right choices, and maybe even the one Splinter would have preferred, since everyone says TMNT 2012! Leo was always Splinter’s ”favorite.”
Meanwhile, TMNT 2012! Leo looks at Rottmnt! Leo, and he sees this version of himself who didn’t have to bear the burden of being the responsible one, the weight of constantly having to be perfect. He sees how his brothers love and admire Rottmnt! Leo’s carefree attitude, his ability to goof off and be himself, and wonders if they’d prefer that side of him too. He wishes he could have been like that—just a brother who’s fun to be around, someone who is loved for who he is, not just seen for what he does.
At the core, though, they’re both Leonardo. They both feel that their worth is tied to how useful they are, how perfect they can be for their family. They both believe that in order to be good brothers and leaders, they need to be flawless. And in each other, they see what they think they need to be more like: Rottmnt! Leo sees the disciplined, capable leader he believes he should become, while TMNT 2012! Leo sees the fun-loving, carefree brother he could have been if he didn’t have to be the "other parent.”
And this all leads to feelings of envy, jealousy, and, of course, friction between the two. They both struggle with the idea that the other version of themselves has something they wish they had—and it makes them question if they’re ever truly good enough as they are.
#meanwhile all the brother’s of both AUs are like:#Wow look at this different Leo! He's cool but I wouldn’t change anything about the Leo we have and love#both leos: wow if I was like other me raph would like me more!! (😭)#In another life maybe I was you and I grew up into something good. Somebody who could swallow love—#I think of that crossover while listening to silver spoon by erin lecount ok xd#yeah and also all leo’s are the most like the splinter’s of their universes#tmnt2012 leo being the favorite (he’s not- he’s just the one who gets the most burden) bc splinter thinks himself as a good leader/sensei#rottmnt leo being the least favorite bc that splinter dislikes himself!!#leo MY SHAYLAA in all universes#ideally ofc the two leo’s would communicate and it would go like ’wait YOU’RE jealous of ME?!’#butttt it would take a lot of work cuz psh rottmnt leo does not open up abt his feelings and tmnt 2012 leo only opens up to his sensei#(and said sensei really gave the worst advice ever like 2 out of 3 times always 😍)#leo the pain is only in your head#leo you should sacrifice anyone to save the world (even yourself which I should realize is the most likely one u gonna sacrifice!!)#leo u should carry the burden of being a leader and not complain or ask for a thank you bc that’s not what leadership is!! BEAR THE BURDEN#(so maybe I have a grudge against 2012 splinter so whattt(#rottmnt#tmnt 2012#tmnt leonardo#rottmnt leo#teenage mutant ninja turtles#crossover#ao3 fanfic#rise of the tmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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tsc3 = the broken cage and kevin's books = the perfect court + the queen's game!
Oh my godddd.... the series will literally start and end with Kevin Day....
#all is as it should be#that said i dont know if my heart could bear to read about his time in the nest#reading Jean's flashbacks has been painful enough#so i may or may not skip the perfect court depending on what the focus is#asks#ask crow
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“Nine would have treated Martha better than Ten did”
I need to talk about this argument that never seems to stop circulating.
Note: Not a venomous/anti post. There’s more than enough of that across fandom spaces as is, and this is supposed to be a place for ✨sweet, blissful escapism✨
When making this argument, people seem to envision a scenario in which Nine never met Rose.
While I can appreciate a good hypothetical, recognizing Rose's significance to the Doctor (Nine and Ten) is essential to understanding why things with Martha played out the way they did in the first place.
In the third series, the Doctor is grieving. This grief is deliberately threaded into nearly every script, whether spoken aloud or not (and these are just a few examples):





He's burning in Rose’s wake the entire time Martha travels with him, which is why it’s so frequently called upon: It’s 100% deliberate in framing his grief. He grieved as Nine too, of course— having been fresh on the heels of the Time War — but then he met Rose, which changed everything.
Back then, he was still a rude, traumatized pain in the ass, but we watch Rose soften more of those jagged edges with every episode as they grow closer; as he lets his guard down and forms a deep connection with her.
He falls in love (against his better judgment) and it's game over.
And yes: provided S1E1 had been titled 'Martha', one can realistically assume things might have unfolded similarly to how they did with Rose. However, it wouldn’t have been that way just because the Doctor was Nine and “Nine was different” — it would be because he wasn’t already in love with someone else. The same can't be said for the start of S3.
Think of it like this: if Rose AND Martha had been in that cellar — if Nine had taken both of them along with him in S1 — we’d eventually be looking at the most melodramatic love triangle ever, what with him living in close quarters with two brilliant, gorgeous, compassionate young women... But Doctor Who is plenty “soap opera” as is with just one woman in the TARDIS.
(I certainly wouldn’t object to reading that fic, though)
Now, regarding the unrequited elephant in the room…
His inability to be romantic with Martha isn’t because he thinks her lesser, nor is it for lack of compatibility. It isn't because Rose is any better than her. It certainly isn’t just because he’s Ten.
It’s really only for one reason, which can't be denied — and now I’m a broken record:
He is still in love with Rose.

(cut from a tenrosedaily gif)
Nine is Ten, and Ten is only such a mess in S3 because he’s just lost the love of his life. Martha merely got caught in the crosshairs of a volatile Time Lord in mourning, and yes — it sucks. Absolutely.
But it also feels dismissive to chalk Ten and Martha’s relationship up to little more than some sort of mindless dance of pining, jealousy, and toxicity.
Ten trusted Martha with his life over and over again — and hers, with him. He constantly praised her brilliance, happily carting her around time and space with no intention of letting her go. In the BBC’s extended universe of novels/comics/cartoons/etc, there’s so much depth to their relationship: love and trust and trauma and sacrifice. They had their own special bond as mates, their own complexities — so it’s a bummer that it's forever overshadowed by the other things.
I’m not denying that there was a lot of stuff that sucked/was for sure toxic about Ten's S3 behavior, but so many of the things I've seen him catching flak for can be directly attributed to being A Clueless Fucking Alien Idiot (not a trait that’s unique to Ten) — as well as his flat-out obliviousness to Martha’s feelings.
So yes, I agree: if Rose never existed, he would have treated Martha differently as Nine. He also would have treated her differently as Ten. Certainly.
But Rose did exist, and when discussing canon, it matters.
“He tells me that he absolutely, 100% loves Rose... He tells me how my daughter; my wonderful, beautiful, clever little girl saved him from himself before… And he says that’s all because of me! I made her into the Rose Tyler that saved him.”
-Jackie Tyler, Flight Into Hull!
Martha got the short end of the stick in S3. She came round at the wrong place and time, but that doesn't mean it was all bad. It doesn't mean the Doctor didn’t adore her. It certainly doesn't mean the time they spent together was wasted or worthless. They were brilliant!
Sure, he could be a twat, but let it be known that he was a twat with Rose as well, both as Nine and Ten. I’m sure Tentoo can be plenty infuriating, too. So while I'll defend Ten (and Tentoo) into the ground forever and ever and ever, I'll concede that he's fucked up.
The Doctor is a certified Pain In The Ass. It’s one of the things I love so much about this character — dynamics.
But never forget that Martha was goddamn tough as nails and overcame every bit of it. She moved on with her life, and the Doctor moved on with his. One can only pray that, when they inevitably drag her back onto the show (which feels inevitable if I'm honest), we see at once that she's been living her best life for all these years.
#I'm paranoid af about posting this but also feel like maybe two people will read it so perhaps I'm safe#doctor who#tenth doctor#ninth doctor#rose tyler#martha jones#baby's first meta#dw meta#I hope this wasn't just a mess of discombobulated stream-of-consciousness chatter#try as I may to avoid it#I'm somehow still aware of the sea of bad fandom vibes surrounding almost every character mentioned#besides Nine - who for some reason seems to be above reproach#there's a painful absence of civil discourse#especially where shipping is concerned#but let me tell you#I've vibed with T/M people about T/R and T/R people about T/M and it is a beautiful thing#I wish we could all just get along#also I've got so many more thoughts about this topic#like an embarrassingly long list of thoughts#I tried to scale it down as best I could while also being as inoffensive as possible#gonna crawl back under my rock now#also you should all go read Peacemaker#best DW novel since the Stone Rose#belated tag added way after the fact but:#for some reason I’ve yielded so much hate mail since originally posting this#because I suppose some people have only cottoned on to my enjoyment of T/M#but please note that I’ve been writing my T/M series since 2022#it’s had no bearing whatsoever on my love of T/R+T2/R aka the OTP of all time#but I’m also a grown-ass woman in my thirties and we are all playing with dolls here#I just wanna spread love and write smut and I do this for fun so if you can’t be nice - then I don’t want you reading anyway
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christmas/winter with the bartons + in laws(maria)
#really liked the idea of em having ugly avengers christmas sweaters#hulk felt fitting for nat (bruce is her bestie)#also “im always angry >:( ”#marias just got some black widow one+??? idk i was just drawing shit#maria grew up in a cold climate but she dont like it#Never got to ice skating and snow fun#nat didnt exactly either (she did some of it but it really wasnt for fun)#so she kinda cant FEEEEL pain from coldness anymore like one should#and at first shed def have a hard time with it but shes really started loving it again since#lila loves nat so she got the hat and one for herself#all the bartons are real protective over her so theyre all kinda judging maria#BUT SHES GONNA GET TO HAVE A FAMILY TOO!!!#clints great at thorwing snowballs but nat can still easily wrestle him#blackhill#first blackhill fanart and they were reallll fun to draw#like obvs i love drqawing nat but maria wzs really fun with the short hair and just#natasha romanoff#maria hill#laura barton#clint barton#lila barton#black widow#hawkeye#marvel#mcu#blackhill fanart#marvel fanart#hawkwidow#PLATONICALLY THEYRE PLATONIC SOULMATES GUYS#the bartons
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If you watched the last episode of 911 you could be fooled into thinking that Buck is the main freak in that relationship, but never forget that, before Buck derailed the conversation, Eddie was fully acting jealous of a DOG.
“You sure bonded fast…” yeah bud, people do that with dogs. “You’d move for a dog?” This is another perfectly regular behavior. You’re being weird about your friend getting a pet.
They are freak4freak all the way, Eddie is just better at hiding it.
#911#buddie#Buck#evan buckley#eddie diaz#mine#This episode was a little painful to watch tbh#I really thought they were gonna show how Buck has grown and matured by having him be normal and supportive…#That is. Not the direction they took#I just wanted to strangle Buck the entire time and scream IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU#even the fanfic ass conclusion very much made it all about him#it just…. honestly feels a little out of character for buck to be like that when it comes to this specific situation#because the one thing Buck can be trusted to be mature about is Christopher#Buck KNOWS Christopher comes first and wouldn’t have it any other way??#so why is he being a bit of a man-child??#and don’t even get me started with Maddie’s storyline#HATED that shit she should be in jail??? Her supervisors should not be encouraging her??
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Introducing new character to the Myka Ex-Girlfriend Cinematic Universe, Helen Ryan (played by the lovely Kathryn Hahn) was Myka's gay-awakening slash first serious girlfriend during college. Although their relationship didn't last long, it was certainly memorable for both of them (more back story here).
Fast forward to now (post-Instinct), HG has returned to the Warehouse as an agent. However, Myka and HG were not on good terms. During their first mission together to retrieve a witchcraft related artifact, they ran into Helen. Helen and Myka both were surprised to see each other after many years. Helen took one look and caught a whiff of the tension between Myka and HG and decided to cause some mischiefs.
Helen: What the hell, Myka? Where have you been? I haven't heard from you for what? Ten years? Myka: I know. I am sorry. It's just, you know, work's been busy. Speaking of work, let me ask you some questions real quick then you can go. Helen: Sure. Go ahead. Myka: Did you smell fudge recently? Helen: ... that's standard Secret Service question? Myka: I know it's weird, but seriously, did you? Helen: Uh... no. I don't think so. I mean I did pass by a ice cream parlor few days ago, they sold chocolate fudge there. Myka: Right. *flipping through the file* Helen: Wanna try it? It's delicious. Please don't tell me you still don't eat sugar. Myka: *chuckles* Yep. *continue reading the file* Helen: You are no fun. Hey, how about we go hang out? Myka: I don't know, Hel. Maybe later. Still got work to do. Helen: C'mon, Bering. I haven't see you in ages. I've missed you. Myka: Gosh, I don't know. Helen: Just you and me, like old times? *looking up at Myka through her long eyelashes* I will buy you a drink. Myka: Alright, fine. *laughs* Just one drink. Helen: Scout's honor. Myka: *laughs* You're not even in scout. HG, witnessing this interaction:
#rambling tag#mbxgfcu#bwedit#bering and wells#this is so fun to make#(although looking for the suitable scenes to use was pain in the ass)#anyway#I love this universe#i love seeing hg jealous ngl lmaoooo#you can imagine how hg feels when helen calls myka's surname 'bering' and something about 'old times'#should i even tag this as bw?#eh im tagging it anyway#warehouse 13 crossover agatha all along-ish?#or crossover free agents?#helen ryan is from free agents#but the character is mixed of agatha and helen
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Trying to find nice stuff for Wish but everywhere you go people are being painfully wrong in their interpretations of the movie
#i don’t care if people don’t like it but i want people to at least stop being so wrong 😫#i shouldn’t have to explain that hoarding the most important part of people’s souls under false pretenses is bad#his trauma does not make the person he became any less bad and his way of ruling is not reasonable and morally better#free will to pursue your dreams is good. a soul should not be locked up by a man who is likely never to give it back.#i’m sure he STARTED as protecting rosas or believing he was but absolute power corrupts absolutely and all that#magnifico by the time we see him is controlling and paranoid and selfish#and asha is not bad for *reads notes* wanting people to have a chance to actually live their lives for themselves and not be deceived#she never asked him to grant all wishes and the movie never tried to say that all wishes should be granted#it’s not saying that you should always have whatever you want. it’s saying you have the right to your agency and choice to pursue your wish#without someone else controlling whether you can ever have it and even making you forget you wanted it so you CAN’T choose to pursue it.#this is literally just a free will vs control story. how was this movie so lost on so many people.#you can debate until the cows come home about whether it was executed well but what they actually tried to say shouldn’t be so hard to grasp#and then there’s people spreading misinformation about star boy and various behind the scenes factors and you can’t escape it and i just…#i am in pain. everywhere i go i am in pain.#disney#wish#mini rant
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