#I see one post and I’m spiraling
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thinking about them
#jane eyre#feeling unhinged and feral about them as usual#I see one post and I’m spiraling#your honor it’s my fave book because they the most characters of all time#and their romance is absolutely bonkers#it’s absolutely unhinged and I love it#jane eyre 2006#jane eyre 2011#jane eyre 1997#my fave problematic couple#tumblr tagged this as mature :(
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I can imagine anything guy image: “I can spiral into tears and convince myself I’m the worst person alive over anything”
#it’s soooooo easy#‘hey that thing you said was kind of insensitive’ -> feel awful and apologize immediately ->#try to explain that I’m a flawed human being in hopes that they don’t hate me as much -> realize I’m using it as an excuse -> feel worse ->#want to explain that I feel bad in hopes that it makes my apology sound genuine -> realize if I do I’m starting a pity party ->#Devil on my shoulder says that I SHOULD start a pity party bc then people have to console me even though I’m the one who fucked up ->#realize that if the devil on my shoulder thinks that that some part of me must think that. thinking that is kind of terrible ->#feel like I’m terrible -> start crying -> realize that crying will turn it into a pity party anyway ->#realize that I don’t want to feel like I’m terrible. that I do actually want people to console me -> realize I don’t deserve it ->#admit that I am truly horrible for trying to turn my fuck up into a way to make people comfort me ->#post about it on tumblr to vent (?) -> realize now I’m starting a pity party in front of almost 8k people ->#realize that makes me even worse. -> break down in tears feeling sorry for myself when. again. IM the one who fucked up#repeat at and slight inconvenience or mistake. feel like a piece of shit forever :)#it’s a flawless system. if someone sees me struggling and tries to console me I can redirect that to confirm that I’m a horrible person#try and tell myself that I’m spiraling bc of mental illness -> that’s an excuse ->#excuse = horrible person bc I’m not willing to own up to my mistakes -> return to spiral
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Some Shawn doodles feat. Gus
#forest fumbles#forest draws#Shawn Spencer#burton guster#psych#would Shawn wear a sleeveless turtleneck? absolutely not#did I draw him in one anyways?#of course i did 💥💯✨💅🦅💪🍍✨💥#I’m not gonna be active for a bit so I decided to post some art before I dip lol#my mental health has kinda been spiraling to a level that im not really used to#so im gonna be taking a break from social media#AND THIS TIME ITLL ACTUALLY BE A BREAK ISFVBHUEVHFU i wont just dip for 30 hours#and come back with absolutely no progress purely because i was too bored lmao#cause if this does lead to a mental breakdown like i feel its going to i dont want that on the internet for all to see FHUDVHBVEU#cause that would be like- majorly embarrassing 🤢 huvefbhuvefbhu#ive already gone a teensy bit bananas on here i dont need ppl seeing the whole basket lmao#if u reblog pls dont make tags referring to the tags i made about my mental health#like i appreciate the sentiment 100% but idk how i feel about other ppls followings knowing im having a moderate crisis rn lmao#im not even comfortable with the entirety of my following knowing thats why i kept this all under the see all thingy#if that even makes sense#okay i need to stop adding more train of thought tags its not healthy suhfvhuefvuhe#anyways bye bestiessss 🤙
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I’m going to be so brave and try to break my hyper fixation with dragon age because it’s becoming a problem. I need to work on Carpathian Sky and it’s so silly I’m wasting time trying to figure out how to draw in a completely different style than what I’m doing with my vn. I’ve basically scrapped everything for it and I’m starting over, I told myself I was gonna get the first act done by February
#I’m redoing the sprites and all of the backgrounds I don’t have time to fuss around with fanart no one pays attention to#Forgive me it’s 1 o’clock in the morning and I’m grumpy#If I want to get better at art I I have to make art if I want to get better at art I have to make art if I want to get better at art I ha#okay yes my depression is latching into me right now#Part of me just wants to stick to writing because I’m okayish at that and people interact with what I write#And I always feel bad complaining about my drawings because some of you guys see them and I don’t want you to feel obligated#To interact with anything I make because I complain#ah okay yes I can feel myself spiraling good night or good day if anyone reads this#I’m not saying anything I’m just rambling#I literally do this anytime I draw anything I need to stop posting for a bit
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Just when I think my anxiety has improved and I’m doing really well it kicks me in the ass and gives me multiple panic attacks multiple nights in a row 👍🏻👍🏻
#vent posting fuck yeah it’s been a while#mostly I’ve been having panic attacks triggered from nasty intrusive thoughts about travel#i have a giant fucking intense fear of getting lost and not being able to get home and I’m terrified of the dark#So y’know. mostly stuff about getting lost or getting on the wrong train or even plane and ending up in the wrong fucking country#And then getting STUCK there because I have no money left#so then that leaves me homeless and this out in the dark#and you can see how it spirals#i genuinely feel so stuck i don’t know how to get over this and the one time I got lost recently isn’t helping it actually made it worse#trying to travel across the country made me so anxious i had to vomit#i don’t know what to do about it#vent post#ask to tag
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#think I need to delete TikTok#been on the bad side and been getting pro life debaters on my fyp#finally decided to go up and say something cause I was getting so annoyed and upset#OH BOY that was a bad decision#never ever doing that again#and this is why I can’t go out and be around normal people#I can’t even talk to a stranger online#I’m literally shaking and bawling right now#it’s 5:43am and I meant to go to bed like 3 hours ago#wanted to post on TikTok and see if I could get any $$ cause I’m desperate#but nah that ain’t gonna happen cause people suck and I hate everyone and anything I make would be shit#and I can’t do anything right#basically I was trying to explain that mental health comes into play too… that abortion isn’t just black and white#I should have known before I even tried that first of all he’s a male and he wasn’t listening to anyone talk#I just have so many things I want to say but no one to say them#and it was a smaller live so I was like why not and fuck that fuck that fuck that nope#too mentally ill for that 🙃#gonna try and go to bed and calm down my heart#sorry I haven’t been posting or on much…. been struggling more than words could ever express#php helped and I felt a glimmer of hope for a day and a half and ever since it’s just been a downward nonstop spiral#love you all and hope you guys are doing okay 🫶#just needed to vent lol and since I have no friends y’all get to hear it 👌#shut up rosie
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Sometimes you stay in your little corner long enough you forget the internet can be mean
#everyone’s been so positive I forgot :(#got unsolicited criticism on an art piece and it just tanked my mood#I worked really hard I spent so many hours on this and then one comment had me feeling awful#it wasn’t even that mean it was of the ‘mostly looks great but needs work’ variety#and now I feel so stupid#I’m usually such a perfectionist and somehow I let an art piece just go out into the world and he ugly??#clearly I didn’t try my hardest or I would’ve caught it#and I was proud so I posted it on all my socials because I liked the colors and now I just feel terrible#and now I hope no one sees it because now they’ll all see how terrible it is#but taking it down is admitting defeat also I really did work hard#anyways I’m too fragile for the internet my anxiety disorder is just spiral after spiral waiting to happen#crazy how you can be feeling great about soemthing and then one comment completely ruins it#lea talks
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i fear i may have pavlov dogged myself into being anxious, every time i get an email
#very roman roy of me i know#but like idk i’m like seeing if i get ao3 emails#and whenever i get an outlook email i get nervous bc what if it’s a comment??#ooh exciting!!#except every time i see ‘comment’ i get nervous that this will be the one time someone is an asshole#bc my brain is funny like that#then it turns out to not be an ao3 email at all and i get disappointed#and the cycle starts anew#this is to say; please leave comments <3#i’m gonna just be anxious when i see the notif that’s all#bc i’m weird like that x#if someone was ever kind enough to comment on literally any of my fics (but specifically my tomgreg ones lol)#i’d be forever grateful#i get into a spiral of anxiety about my writing and a comment would be v inspiring#hint hint#i’m also waiting to hear back from a friend who’s gonna read my fics and i keep making myself panic about it lol#‘what if they hate it???’ what if they hate you after???#like i’ve ever posted some truly#heinous shit#at the most it’s like shitty smut imao#but literally i’m writing for succession i don’t think anyone can really speak if they’re already a fan#it’s just my brain being dumb#i’m also struggling not to message them every five seconds like ‘did you read it yet???’ bc i feel that would be annoying#bc it’s not their fault i’m a neurotic bitch about everything#anyways my heart c3 coming when i can get my head out my ass <3#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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I’m feeling pretty lonely in this Chili’s tonight
#I don’t know#it’s one of those days where it’s late and I keep seeing posts I don’t wanna see and I don’t know how to talk to people#my best friend hasn’t spoken to me all day#I hope she’s alright#she’s not even getting my messages#I wonder if I made her mad at dinner last night#I don’t know why#I just feel like less of a priority to her lately y’know#oh boy now I’m spiraling#I really need to go conk out before I cry
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prev post I don’t want to bother op with this but. that is why s5 lucifer is so good too.
#ex. hammer of the gods. I mean he’s fucking gleeful about the massacre. he’s having fun.#and then this is the same episode that ends with him in tears and breathing shakily over his brother#and there’s no one watching. this is not a performance. he is just. he’s grieving.#and idk!! compelling!!!#joke post yesterday about Lucifer crying more onscreen#but actually it was not a joke I would have killed for more moments like this#late seasons lucifer could have been redeemed for me if like. we just had scenes where he stopped for a minute.#like maybe when he hears about Raphael’s death. maybe when Chuck refuses to pull Michael out of the cage with Lucifer.#and just fucking!!!! let him mourn them in privacy!!!!!!!!#like it’s not much but that would have added a little depth to his spiral!!!!! he’s alone!!!! he’s the only one alive and free!!!!#ahhhh late seasons lucifer who is exactly the same when around the human characters or demons because he just. doesn’t care anymore.#but when it comes to Heaven. to his remaining siblings. he puts in the effort to care about them.#you know just like how much better would it have been if Lucifer was completely and utterly genuine in his attempts to create new angels#and he just couldn’t. he didn’t know he couldn’t and he finds out because he’s trying and he can’t.#nothing much has to change he can still get kicked out for ‘lying’ about being able to.#whos’s going to believe him when he says he didn’t know?#and now imagine a version of Jack & Lucifer’s relationship coming off the crux of that#Jack is the last ditch attempt at creation. the breaking point.#I’m rambling but you see it. you see it right? the desperate grasping at something he could never get back?#the way everything would clash. if he treated Jack with love. but everything else could burn for all he cared.#cause Jack was it. he tried to make angels and failed but he DID make Jack.#and the winchesters trying to keep his son away from him? turn Jack against him? he might. break. about that.#like I’m saying if you kept the basic plot structure of the final seasons and just made tiny adjustments to Lucifer’s character#not even really his actions just his motivations!!! BOOM!!!! fucking!!!!! better show!!!!!!#anyway this has been speculation with will come back at 8 and I’ll talk about the bunker being a mushroom#spn#Lucifer spn
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Damn it
#Legit just tag your sui and sh posts#I feel like I’m angry for no reason#Feel constantly ignored. Left behind. Left out. Forgotten. Feel invalidated almost.#See people going through the same shit I am#But I’m just ignored#And okay fuck it all I guess#I’ve just complained too much for anyone to mind#It makes me feel bad. But I mean. It’s better this way. I’ll eventually vanish and it’ll be okay bc nobody would notice for a while#And maybe it’s a stupid thing to be sad about#Because like. I shouldn’t need the help. Never got it before. I should be able to manage#Oh well#See others consistently getting help for much less#It hurts because I feel like I’ve only been spiraling further and further and nobody cares and one of these days#I’m fucking terrified I’m gonna off myself because I get so stuck in my own head and so angry with myself#But I guess it would be better off if it happened#Tw suicide#kinda
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I love watching people play games so much ugh
#whimsy whispers#but every gaming youtuber is rancid I don’t trust a single one that is popular save for snapcube#so the only person I watch play games is kane when he plays genshin or final fantasy#it’s actually very fun im glad he’s fine with me watching him and making dumb comments and helping when I can#helping involves: looking for items with him and going ‘oh!! it’s right there!!!’ and gesturing excitedly when i see it#god kane really has become like My Omly Friend andjfjktk#or rather kane is like my sibling because both my roommates and myself see each other as siblings#woag that means I’m a middle(ish) child#anyways kane goes to his dads house until Wednesday or Thursday tomorrow which means the horrors (depression and loneliness and such else)#will be worse because again kane is like the only person I talk to a lot because we live together and share a room#they leave on sunday or mondays usually ;-;#god#god I need to get better ag keeping friends huh? the lonliness is licherally killing me#the tags here spiraled a bit from the main topic of this post I’m sorry I’m sad and also have adhd
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#listen i know theorising and having fun etc is par for the course in fandom. nothing wrong with it to an extent#but damn it’s so tiring to see people doom spiralling and saying ‘it’s over’ or ‘we lost’ about the tiniest little things#tell me why my 911 sixth sense woke me up at 3am to ryan posting a silly pic in a robe#which i took one look at and assumed he was making a reference to the mob boss style of the robe. and/or just the spanish honorific#but then i woke up again this morning to people freaking out that it meant eddie was gonna be sleeping with all the women of LA. like. huh??#chat how on earth did we get here#the general idea seems to be that it’s a don juan reference and because don juan was all about the women. that means eddie will be too?#that’s….. a bit of a stretch. if i’m wrong i’m wrong but come on#common sense says it was just a reference to the style and/or spanish honorific. not everything is a hint or something to ‘lose’ over#i’m tired of this already and the season’s not even premiered yet. i know everyone is stressed about eddie’s storyline and so am i babes#but can we all just take a breath
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It kinda confuses me how some ppl can just say anything on this app and they somehow get 16 likes ☠️
#And it’s not even something related to the content they post it’s like#literally random personal stuff#like dang on my old account with actual followers nobody did that ☠️ in fact the ppl who then complain abt not getting interactions shouldnt#even open their mouths cause I don’t see 0notes under their posts LMFAO I’m scared of even posting a thing on my other account with some#followers cause that 0 notes literally feels like rejection and it makes me rlly idk#like dang I’m the one who should complain yet I don’t bffr 😭#dora daily#at least not publicly and as if anyone would even listen I’ve spoken abt how those grooming allegations about that person and how them#telling me that sends me into a spiral yet nobody even tried to help me or asked if I was okay#at this point I just don’t know yall can’t convince me I’m important or worth anything when ppl see that and don’t even try to help or be#empathetic
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me and Chevy had the abridged “hey what if one of us dies before we finish our comic” talk again and like I’m fully confident I’ve made enough concept art to fill an official art book so on my end I’m set
#but if something happened to chevy I’d be so screwed#on all fronts tbh but in order to not spiral I’m not gonna think about that#but yeah my health sucks and maybe if it isn’t death maybe my arms finally give out or something#Chevys a great writer but so much of it is up in that big beautiful brain of theirs#anybody can draw sys! but no one else could write it like them#I’m strangely emotional tonight. part of trying to live again is being okay with the idea that me and my loved ones can die at any instant#it’s why I developed agoraphobia I believe#but yeah being realistic about this I think#I’m gonna force myself to draw ugly panels on purpose#not even drawing badly for fun#but literally making shit that I’d hate for people to see and post it anyway to get over that fear
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Going off my rant from earlier I think part of the difference between me n other people regarding being busy is that when the average person says “I have so much to do” they may indeed have a fuckton to do but they simply Don’t do it. Whereas with me I don’t get a Chance to do everything bc the list grows faster than I can do everything + my time is constantly occupied by things beyond my control. And people say they relate to that but then when they have enough time to do something they don’t and I’m like god if I had half the time yall spend doing nothing I would be unstoppable
#like. I rly don’t want to be a suffering contest person it’s just that people insist upon it being a competition and this is how I rly feel#and I know everyone has things that make tasks challenging I don’t mean to dismiss that#even if the challenge is just that the task is stupid and cringe. that also sucks!!#but I don’t get to not do smth bc I don’t want to#I don’t get to take a nap or pace or stare at the wall or binge a show like everyone talks abt like it’s a universal experience#I don’t even get time with which to procrastinate if I wanted to#it just. gets rly overwhelming and frustrating bc it feels like I can’t relate to ppl and they can’t relate to me and I’m like But U Should#you should know what I’m talking abt. I know I’m not the only one and I know everyone around me isn’t just lazy or has nothing going on#so whyyy do people not understand this experience no matter what words I use to describe it#how are people able to be like ‘yeah I feel you’ and then describe a lifestyle I cannot IMAGINE#I’m not even trying to be mean but also other people get to be mean abt it#I’m just. spiraling rn bc I’ve been burnt out for years#it’s not even a superiority complex it’s Distress I hate living like this and I hate feeling alone in it!!#like I shouldn’t have to explain this bc why would anyone in good faith see me crying for help and think I’m bragging#I don’t WANT this!! I would like myself better if I were rested and had the freedom to maintain relationships and interests!!#that would be worth bragging over!!#mine#txt#personal#vent post
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