#and the cycle starts anew
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i fear i may have pavlov dogged myself into being anxious, every time i get an email
#very roman roy of me i know#but like idk i’m like seeing if i get ao3 emails#and whenever i get an outlook email i get nervous bc what if it’s a comment??#ooh exciting!!#except every time i see ‘comment’ i get nervous that this will be the one time someone is an asshole#bc my brain is funny like that#then it turns out to not be an ao3 email at all and i get disappointed#and the cycle starts anew#this is to say; please leave comments <3#i’m gonna just be anxious when i see the notif that’s all#bc i’m weird like that x#if someone was ever kind enough to comment on literally any of my fics (but specifically my tomgreg ones lol)#i’d be forever grateful#i get into a spiral of anxiety about my writing and a comment would be v inspiring#hint hint#i’m also waiting to hear back from a friend who’s gonna read my fics and i keep making myself panic about it lol#‘what if they hate it???’ what if they hate you after???#like i’ve ever posted some truly#heinous shit#at the most it’s like shitty smut imao#but literally i’m writing for succession i don’t think anyone can really speak if they’re already a fan#it’s just my brain being dumb#i’m also struggling not to message them every five seconds like ‘did you read it yet???’ bc i feel that would be annoying#bc it’s not their fault i’m a neurotic bitch about everything#anyways my heart c3 coming when i can get my head out my ass <3#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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Every Wednesday I sit here and think maybe MAYBE, we will get a Cellbit stream.
And then it doesn't happen. I sigh. And put on another VOD.
#garden of posts#i am huffing copium every Wednesday afternoon like will he?#and then he doesnt and im like predictable#maybe next week.#and the cycle starts anew#But hey! you know what. i am ok with it#that game is going to be so fucking cool#(and I also have yet another Portuguese study day under my belt)
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paradox. [twt + insta + ptrn on bio]
#adventure time#adventure time fanart#at fanart#betty grof#golbetty#illustration#tarot art#vintage art#fanart#mati draws#the fact that golbetty has both betty and simon's eyes#quite literally harmony forced upon chaos#a paradox in itself. no growth no breaking out of the cycle and yet.#the cycle starts anew forever changed#this happened in stakes also hey
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imagine thor doesn't feel much pain easily since a bunch of thor's nerve endings are dead from having lightning constantly running up his skin
#i love thor's powers being self destructive like he can't channel them on his own at all actually hence the hammer#he never learnt and if he did no one is sure if it would be possible for thor to fully contain the power at all#lightning itself isn't a safe power to have whether creation use or directing it#it hurts him to use his powers and so the feeling dies off#he has to not use his powers for weeks before he regains some feeling in his arms and body#and then when he re-uses his powers well the cycle starts anew#think about it
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Bottom yakumo fics i rotate thru bc the tag is playing games with me
EIDEN:
(Sequel) "Another Spicy Study Session on Self-Pleasure" by MistressVanya https://archiveofourown.org/works/49270402
"plants should stay in your soup and out of your sex life" by acynthe (locked) https://archiveofourown.org/works/37453975
"surprises" by Anonymous (locked) https://archiveofourown.org/works/48090496
"Pulp Fiction" Chapter 2 by shamelesscooper https://archiveofourown.org/works/60033721/chapters/154533019
KUYA (some dubcon+yaku whump):
ASTER:
QUINCY:
"What Happens in the Woods" by melecs https://archiveofourown.org/works/44134458
"Embers are calling" by Yuuda-cchi (VioletStripes) https://archiveofourown.org/works/49222882
"As I Am, Entirely" by zerenovation https://archiveofourown.org/works/54831790
EDMOND:
"Of Love Confessions and a Horny Snake" by goldgalaxytea https://archiveofourown.org/works/52916077
NOT EXPLICITLY BOTTOM, BUT IT'S NOT... *NOT* BOTTOM (SUBBY +5000pts)
"Magic 101: Lessons in Gem-based Erogenous Zones" by auriadne https://archiveofourown.org/works/37413112
"Day 6: Dom & Sub" by Nya (Yuutfa) (locked) https://archiveofourown.org/works/49106176
"Trick-or-Treat" - Chapter 3 by SnowRelic https://archiveofourown.org/works/50601046/chapters/128881948#workskin
"in good taste" by winterdesu https://archiveofourown.org/works/59208052
#eehehehehe sometimes i just get into moods where bottom yakumo is where it's at#like. specifically bottom yakumo. and/or EXCEPTIONALLY subby yakumo.#no twisting the game to overpowering his partner at the end. that's the bott-to-top yakumo pipeline that fits a DIFFERENT specific mood! :}#eventually i'll exit the bottom mood and dive into topyaku fic and we continue the cycle anew#because... ultimately..... switch yaku is my everything (my agenda and preferences are visible from outer space)#anyway yeah this stuff is all on the hornier side. there are bottom yaku fics that i like that are more plot and char-heavy#but this is the list for when i wanna see him whimpering and begging and crying etc etc you know the post i'm talking about#i started compiling this list because i tried filtering for bottom yakumo and got like. 8 fics#i whispered... i've been living off 8 fics ? Only? i mean that's a lot given how small the fandom is but i feel like i'm missing some#anyway there ended up being more than 8 (that i would reread) so i was quite content with my findings#maybe i'll update it if i see more. hmm. i hope i'll see more#bottom yakumo reading list#i am reading words and acting in ways#nu carnival yakumo
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Have you had that phase; when your hyperfixation dies down,, you feel drained as all heck and you go back to your roots. Your ocs, your originals kinda like a cool down period than boom new hyperfixation
I wish there was a name for that
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Hrng
#I just need to get through today#<- said knowing full well the cycle will start anew next week#not a vent I think I’m pretty chilled but I’m tired#I want to lie face down in the dirt and watch ants#and maybe join them#one monotonous cycle of work to the next#but ants are cool so I’d be happy
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Idk I also just hate the future actually. My ass is Always living in the past or simply day to day 💪💪💪
#HELP ...... SO MANY OF MY DAYDREAMS CENTER AROUND THIS ACTUALLY.....#like. huge point of drama/point of contention between alfonse and moe is that moe Hesitates.#even outright Refuses. to consider the future. where alfonse's future seems set in stone that is the path he's been striving for all long#moe feels like it won't have a place there. you'll be king. you'll be all set. you'll probably have to have a queen#and even if it's a political marriage thing (WHICH. I HAVE SO MUCH HC LORE ABOUT --#like no one specifically but like. alfonse is the type of guy who has accepted this long ago and just treats it as a fact of life#which moe RESENTS. HOW are you gonna fuckinh ACCEPT THAT. your life entirely out of your own hands#bitch i'll fucking KILL YOU. ect)#also as a side there was a whole wedding banner wip that explored that that i. forgor about#but like. alfonse tries SO hard to convince moe that there WILL be a place for it by his side. he will MAKE that place if he has to#also a king4king situation isn't feasible i think moe would be a concubine (gay style). or an enuch or something#like moe does NOT want to be in any position of actual authority. that's not its heart. it's a support guy through and through#but going back to the start. moe is the type of guy who's convinced it's going to be replaced.#moe is the type of guy who burns bridges and feels a sense of relief. moe is the type of guy who is looking for ANY excuse#to run away. and ESP to reframe it as 'you're better off without me'.#the only reason it was able to get so close to alfonse is bc it was convinced alfonse wouldn't get attached to it#and when he did moe was convinced Well. this will all be temporary anyway. i'll take it day by day#make the most of it. and whenever alfonse hits it w one of his classic zingers like#the more you have to lose the worse it hurts when you do doesn't that make you feel lonely. SHUP FUCKIYBNG SHUT YPUR FUCK UP‼️‼️‼️#moe is a normal guy with no problems. definitely no commitment issues or intimacy issues. i promise.#ACTUALLY THAT REMINDS ME. BEEN TURNING THIS AROUND IN MY HEAD TOO. ESP W MY CURRENT WIP#and the feelings it invokes in me. moe is SO CONVINCED. SO CONVINCED. it's gonna fuck alfonse over big time#do NOT make me your lifeline i swear to fucking god. i Promise You. i Will Fail You.#adjacent but moe being a healer is ENDLESSLY. FASCINATING TO ME. LIKE MY GOD#healer that is just SO destructive. that's w.. that's part of why... it became a healer.........#like god. being a healer to ensure that if you get rid of me you'll be at a disadvantage.#nevermind the fact that i have a role exclusive to me. not good enough. i need More insurance.#the way. the role it took upon itself. when it was younger. to be the fixer. to clean up after [redacted]#and its never ending cycle. ever since it was a child. its never ending cycle of tearing itself apart#to rebuild itself anew. better this time. Perfect this time. this time. this time. this time.
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Day off, can finally work on WiP's...would rather lay facedown and end my turn for a whole week.
#random stuff#rant incoming#i am trying to avoid a second cup of coffee#but it is desperately needed#no brain to do anything#and unfortunately#there are household chores to be done#because apparently over the past 4 days while i've been working#there has been a stalemate between hubby and kid over who's turn it is to do dishes#so guess who's going to do them?#or the laundry that i discovered got put in the dryer but the dryer not ran#TWO DAYS AGO#so now guess who has to rewash it?#now to wait for everyone to come home and ask 'why are you in a pissy mood?'#cue a special guest appearance by the devil#which will result in a week or two of shit actually getting done like it should#only for the cycle to start anew#out of the two other people in this house#one is justified to a degree#the other needs the occasional reminder that i am not his mother#and that he needs to pull his weight too
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would it be dramatic to say i’m never attaching to anything ever again and im gonna live a terrible terrible life of solitude
#context: one of my fav coworkers quit#is this dramatic it feels valid#i’m so sad#it’s like a whole thing idk#it just sucks working in fast food with steady turnover but ur the constant#like i watch these people get hired i train them i learn their lives i look forward to seeing them and then#they’re gone before me to go do great things and i’m just. still there. having to start the cycle anew#it hurts so bad#whatever it’s fine i’m just devastated#bonk thoughts
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where i'm mentally at most days by 4:30 pm:
#i start the day full of optimism and motivation - like yeah there will be challenges but i can face them!#the doubts creep in at around 11am ('but you'll feel so sad? then what?'#by 3pm im convinced that this is a terrible mistake and will ruin my life and im crazy for doing this#and by 4pm i get philosophical#its now 4:45 so by 5:30 i'll somehow gather the self control to climb out of the anxiety spiral and distract myself#thereby ensuring that im nice and refreshed tomorrow for the cycle to begin anew#why is change inevitable by the way? why do i have to grow as a person? why do people not just stay the same forever?
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Took twice the max dose of melatonin before the final revision for tomorrow’s exam, I’m shitting my pants and I genuinely don’t know anything as thoroughly as I should but if I sleep less than 4 hrs before it I just know I’m gonna do even worse somehow
#don’t take twice the max dose of anything btw#genuinely don’t do the shit that I do#i only did it bc I know my limits and haven’t had any other substances in over 24 hrs but don’t ever try it#always talk to your gp before taking any meds and supplements at all#anyway psa aside#I want to revise for two hrs so until 1.30am circa but I genuinely hope I pass out sometime in the next hours and a half#godspeed ig#uni#melatonin#I have super high expectations but I genuinely prepared this exam in like 4 days and my brain has been all over the place#haven’t had the chance (economic too so please please consider sparing a couple of bucks for my ko-fi?) to meet my therapist in 2 weeks#been super suicidal super busy dealing with stuff and people and my family and uni and ah oh how I wish I had a brain able to focus#also the ‘visions of horror’ as I call them have lowkey turned into auditory hallucinations that never stop and it’s… tough#genuinely so tired of everything in general#I’d promised to hang with my uni friends after the exam bc I should be done my midday tops but I know im gonna be super sad and underwhelme#so I hope I can be at home by 4 pm tops with one excuse or the other#I love them all so much but I need a break. also bc I got another exam in less than a fucking week and I still haven’t started studying for#it because it’s objectively easier than tomorrow’s and because when was I supposed to study for it#I spent 3 good days working on a paper that isn’t even mine for a subject I don’t even take#a favor for a friend which turned into 3 more friends asking me if I could help them with theirs#and you know me#I never say no. unfortunately. but also I’m super glad they want my help bc they know I can write at least (one good thing)#but. that’s still -3 days available#then. the demons#wasted so many hours just pacing and biting my nails raw and being pathetic#so yeah. in a little under 15 hrs I want to be in bed again. resting until the 19th when the cycle will begin anew#also math ain’t mathing. my exam is in 12 hrs only now 13.
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the way it takes me hours to make even a sketch because i get distracted every five minutes...... help
#sometimes i get distracted by the drawing itself too like i'll just stare at what i have for an uncomfortably long time#this is why i don't post that frequently. not because i'm lacking in time but because im actively fighting demons every time i want to draw#and then when it takes so long to work on something i inevitably get bored and start something else. and then the cycle begins anew#this is also why i almost exclusively post sketchy unlined messily colored stuff with no backgrounds#the monsters within won't let me do anything else
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Wouldn't it be fucked up if peka was just a hlev from another universe who never truly escaped development hell and decided to start anew and prosper on another world.
Wouldn't it be fucked up if he was jealous of this hlev's life. One where he can go around and just live and love and laugh and fuck around find out with no restrictions of what he can or can't do by external forces
Wouldn't it be fucked up if he was deeply saddened at how this could've been the life he would've had, yet that was never given to him
Wouldn't it be fucked up if he realized that, whoever was above him didn't put him through hell out of maliciousness - rather because they couldn't make up their mind on what to do, and feel anger towards that? It would've hurt so much less if they did it intentionally. But no, no, they couldn't do anything. Nothing.
And yet to see the same person showing misericorde to him and letting a version of himself To Be. To see it could've worked, to see they had all the chances and ideas and power and everything on their hands. Yet hey couldn't do anything at the end
And yet to feel this strange (unwanted) sense of understanding, sickening sympathy. And defeat
Would that be fucked up or what
#perceptive little crow#the game got so lighthearted this will never happen but whatever. it's whatever#anyways I don't think it'd give him a change of heart. I don't think he would be able to do so#he'd be stuck on this self-fulfilling tragedy of never truly “seeing the sun” and being released. by trying to start anew again and again#he'd try fulfill himself with money as that's what “he was meant to do” without realizing that core aspect of him is holding him back#on actually becoming a full character. worth of being seen and worth giving the chance to see the light of day#i feel he just would give up on this specific world and move to another one#repeat the cycle#anyways whatever im talking nonsense what is never gonna happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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*rewatches ttoi s4 for the 9th time this month* (as a treat)
#s3 too but. not as frequently. not NEARLY#shut up kit#the thick of it#i haven’t watched a single episode this last week#that alone shows how shit that week was and how dead i‘ve been#but alas! the week has ended and the cycle starts anew!#(on tuesday.)
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vacation...over...
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